not-so-bubbly-chipymunk

[not-so-bubbly-chipymunk]

The Battles Inside My Head

Twist and turn, you have me tipsy

This way and that, you have me listing

You have my eyes feeling misty

You are my main reason for existing

I fight so hard to prove myself to you

I just want to be sure our love is true

I want you to know there's no one else for me

I want a love that flows endlessly

Twist and turn, I'm falling down

This way and that to the ground

I'm overwhelmed with no reason why

Every night you can hear me sigh

I long to be heard and understood

I long to be held in your arms

You do both and yet I feel when you would

Pull away and it sets off all my alarms

Twist and turn, I'm topsy turvy

This way and that, I'm always learning

Things aren't as they seem to be

When my mind starts whirling

I try to understand you as I learn myself

I hide my feelings on the shelf

Only to find that all this time

I could have been telling you through a rhyme

Twist and turn my stomach flops

This way and that my heart drops

Maybe when I talk to you it wouldn't be hard

If I just told you how I felt from the start

I'm learning to communicate and to see

How much love to give and is being given to me

I'm trying to understand and be understood

And seeing that alone is doing some good

Twist and turn, my heart wrenches to a halt

This way and that, my eyes dart

Everything feels like fizz in a malt

And my brain doesn't know how to start

But in your arms everything feels right

When you kiss me I feel at home

So I continue to fight my inner demons with light

And hope that I'll never have to walk again alone

[not-so-bubbly-chipymunk]

Trapped In Panic

Spiraling ever spiraling

Swirling in the sea

I tried to breathe with water in my lungs

And got lost in my lee

Swirling ever swirling

Like a mermaid in a whirlpool

I am not real and neither are my surroundings

I have become the silly fool

Smiling always smiling

Smiling with no joy

It seems so pointless and it's all imploding

I'm just another child's toy

Frowning always frowning

Like it will change my circumstance

And yet it relieves me to actually be vulnerable

To show what's under the surface

I wear my feelings on my face

I wear my heart on my sleeve

No one can save me from this place

That constantly tries to drown me

So I spiral and I spiral

Till the whirlpool ends

And sink to the bottom

Of the sea with the bends

Who will save me?

Who will dive?

No one can hear me

I have tried to cry

Water fills my lungs

And I reach up towards the light

Water swirls before my eyes

And my chest feels so tight

Spiraling ever spiraling

I drift at the bottom of the sea

Like a piece of driftwood

The water swirls around me endlessly

Swirling ever swirling

Will I survive?

Will I ever be able to breathe again?

Or will I simply die?

[not-so-bubbly-chipymunk]

Affirmations

It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be

It was easier to talk about it then i thought

The world didn't explode after

This battle was won and easily fought

Maybe that's the key

That if I really put my all into it

It will be simple and easy

If I just don't lose myself in the anxiety

Maybe that's the key

The anxiety will be there, ever present

But it doesn't have to be the end all

And when it gets to be too much I just need to vent

Maybe that's the key

I'll be able to push through

I'll be able to win my battle

If I just don't give up and let myself be rattled

It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be

I am stronger than I realized

I will achieve my dreams even if just a little

Not everything needs to be so heavily analyzed

[not-so-bubbly-chipymunk]

Somehow I Am Here

The past is in the past

Stay present

The future is a worry for tomorrow

At least that's what they say

Yesterday, today, tomorrow is just a day

And yet my past is what brought me

Into my present self

My present self is what brings me

Into my future self

And my past is what made me

All into this one self

Somehow... I am here...

From a broken, innocent child

I have grown into a broken, but strong woman

And somehow... I am here...

The sorrows of yesterday

Of what broke me down

Of what tore my heart apart

Of what made me frown

It faces the joy of today

Of what brought me hope

Of what brought me strength

Of what helped me for once cope

And they meld into my tomorrow

Of what will breathe into me new life

Of what will change everything all at once

Of what will bring me closer to becoming a mom and wife

Somehow... I am here...

Facing what I was once afraid of

Facing even new fears that I never knew of

And somehow... I am here...

I face maybes

I face for sures

I face the I don't knows

And the problems of yesterday

Meld with the answers of today

Forming the product of tomorrow

And somehow... I am here...

Finally able to stomach that I am no longer

Broken and abused, but strong and resilient

Somehow... I am here...

[not-so-bubbly-chipymunk]

Depressive

My body has grown roots

As I lay in my bed

Nothing can move

Except slowly, heavily, like lead

My eyes flutter closed

My mind drifts in fog

There's no sun to be seen

Just storm clouds and a lamenting song

Even as I write this

My fingers fight the pull

The draw to give in

To the restless sleep like a fool

And as I fight through it

I try to swim harder

Through the heavy water

Pulling me under

I'm drowning in apathy

I'm falling into a pit

I'm constantly spiraling

Into a fire that I never knew I lit

It's burning me up

In cold flames do I burn

Longing for relief

From this sleepy place, I do yearn

Nothing matters and yet

Everything does all at once

I am overwhelmed by the burden

Of breathing, each breath takes a month

And slowly I shrivel and I decay

I become a shell of myself

I'm lonely

But I keep everyone at bay

I know not what will give me reprieve

And I am constantly reminding myself to breathe

But... my body has grown roots

And slowly, is the only way to move

And it feels like nothing matters

And tears fall in gentle spatters

As I try to force myself to be a moving tree

Or a moving shell till I can once again be me

[not-so-bubbly-chipymunk]

Mania

And so it begins

Or so it began?

Or maybe it already was

And I just never knew when

It started or ended

And suddenly I have become

The rage in the wind

The tempest in the storm

And then it all stops

And it's just flowing

And the breeze is sweet

And the clouds are billowing

And suddenly i have become

The love so sweet in a heart

Just slightly compressed

But softer than a whispered start

Maybe, forever maybe

I will ebb and flow

Maybe, forever maybe

I will never have my ducks in a row

But for now

I rise and I lay low

And the ground feels like it is a constant flow

Like a river that is solid but constantly moving

And I am never truly still, always changing

And forever it grows inside of me

The constant edge that I stand upon

Ever close, almost falling off

Me suddenly running to it ready to fall

And then it's quiet in my head

Silence ringing and nothing makes sense

Then it begins all over again

Or maybe... it began?

Or maybe... it already was

And I just never knew when

It started or ended...

Where does it end?

[not-so-bubbly-chipymunk]

If My Heart Was A Home

If my heart was a home

It would be cold and alone

Until it met you one day

And then it would ask you to stay

With a "Welcome" on the mat

Shelves full of silly knick knacks

Windows covered with sheer curtains

Letting shimmery lights in

If my heart was a home

It no longer would be alone

Because you decided to stay

And we draw close for warmth every day

And in a window seat we sat

And have the greatest of chats

And I am quite certain

I'm very glad I let you in

And I wonder

Every day

If your heart was a home

Would you let me stay

And I ponder

And I dream

If our hearts are homes

Where would we sleep

If my heart was your home

Would you never ever roam

Would you bear your secrets here

Let your true self always be near

Would you lie in my arms

Would you let me keep you safe from harm

Hold me close in the moonlight

Hold my hand when the sun does rise

If my heart was your home

Where would your secrets go

Would you hide them in a tree

In the backyard with me

Would you cast your fears aside

Or in the attic let them hide

Would you put our memories

In well loved scrap book for all to see

And I wonder

And I dream

And I hold close this thought

Of you and me

Maybe it has all come true

Mayhaps not

But I knew when I let you in

You didn't even have to knock

Because...

My heart is a home

And it never wants to let you go

Its front door is open wide

And it's full of love inside

I made it safe for you here

I made room for your fears

I ask for nothing in return

Only hope I don't get hurt

Because my heart is your home

I wrap myself around you close

I'll hold you tight when you cry

And sing you lullabies at night

I'll tuck you in when you sleep

And follow suit with you next to me

And as your dreams take you in

I'll smile at the one I'm already in

[not-so-bubbly-chipymunk]

I Am With You

There's a bunch of holes in my heart

Like a bunch of bullets went right through me

I keep trying to fill them up

But nothing does it for me

Except... when I am with you

I hold you close till you almost meld with me

Filling the holes in my chest

I began to sob as i finally feel like i can breathe

And eventually in your arms I rest

I was meant to be with you

I never thought I'd find a love like yours

One that makes me feel so safe

I never knew home would be found

Even though I searched for it, just a taste

And now... I am with you

And the love overflows

And tightens the hold on my fragile bones

And i think I might shatter

But what does that matter

Because forever I'll be with you

For your imprint on my heart

Was a reflection from the start

And no matter where i go

I will always know

I am with you

[not-so-bubbly-chipymunk]

Forever Mine

When I look in your eyes

You know what I see?

I see the word Mine

For you are mine and I hope when you look back

That you always see yours

For that's what I am

When I listen to you speak

You know what I hear?

I hear the word Forever

For that is how long I wish to be with you

Forever and a day

Forever I shall stay

When you kiss me, the words tangle together

Like my fingers through your hair

And suddenly Forever Mine is born

As I taste it and you on my tongue

My heart clenches in my chest

And I know I'll have no rest

Because all night and all day I'll be thinking

I'll be daydreaming

Of how you can be Forever Mine

[not-so-bubbly-chipymunk]

In His Arms

I came to you

In the middle of my night

I curled up close to your side

I came to you

On my darkest night

You pulled me into your side

I called to you

Not knowing if you'd answer

Just hoping against hope at that point

I called to you

Never expecting you'd answer

I had given up hope at that point

And you opened your arms to me

Where I now rest

You laid down your life for me

You gave your very best

And I cling to you

For at my darkest time

You were there for me

And here is where I will reside

[not-so-bubbly-chipymunk]

Who Is Me?

I am bright as the ocean waves

Shining on a breezy, summer's day

I am dark as the night sky

Stars being the only thing to brighten my face

I am both the sun and the moon

And yet somehow I am nothing but a cloud

I am both rain and sunshine

And yet I can be a breeze lost in the crowd

I am everything, I am the world itself

Yet I am nothing, a rock could take my place

So much potential to be or not to be

And I am left wondering who is me?

I am different to every one who sees me

But I am also different to even myself

When I look in the mirror, I'm starting to learn

That who I always thought was me

The person I thought I finally knew

Has like paper in a fire, been burned

So now there is a new sheet

One that took the last's place

And it has me seeing myself anew

Maybe I finally found a trace

Maybe I was always a book

Just with pages askew

Maybe I am letters written

To someone's old lover anew

Maybe I was not a bright ocean wave

But simply the tide that carried it

Maybe I wasn't the night sky

But the universe that was holding it

Maybe I was always more than what I thought

Or maybe... I was... simply not

But whether that fills me with dread or fear

I may... finally... be accepting my lot

And maybe just maybe I no longer have to ask

Who I am, who is me?

For answering that is such a hard task

Because I was always more than just me

[not-so-bubbly-chipymunk]

Forever

I'm waiting on forever

Sitting in my dreams

Drifting through the clouds

On lovers' paper wings

Writing love notes in my head

Planning future things to be

All that's in my mind

Is a future you and me

I enjoy the present

I enjoy it all too well

But I've been waiting on forever

For too long to tell

But I will say this

I will say it's so true

That waiting on forever

Is wonderful with you

So I'll drift a little more

On the ocean of my dreams

Being held in your arms

Where forever is to me

[not-so-bubbly-chipymunk]

When Wandering

I took the path less traveled by

And somewhere along the way

I took another path less traveled by

And got lost because I stayed

I stayed too long, I lingered

And the path back looked the same

As all the others around me

Because of how long I'd stayed

I took the path less traveled by

And somewhere along the way

I got incredibly lost and turned around

Because of how long I'd stayed

So linger not when you wander

Down paths as one sometimes does go

Or better yet don't wander at all

You'll be better for it, I should know

[not-so-bubbly-chipymunk]

Hello Is How It Started

Hello is how it started

Or so I now assume

For memories have clouded

Through time we have zoomed

And goodbyes were how we parted

For years we said them still

Not knowing the path that was charted

To travel at our wills

Hello is how we remet

Well it was implied

For I simply asked for you by name

And then you soon replied

And then conversation resumed

Like it never truly ended

And the piece of me that had missed you

Began to be mended

Hello is how it has continued

So many mornings, so many days

Where I see you as much more to me

Then with just a friendly gaze

And it builds within me a sincere hope

That with all my heart I hold dear

That we will say one day one last hello

For there will be no more goodbyes to hear

[not-so-bubbly-chipymunk]

Soul Mate

I never used to believe

That there was such a thing

But these days, suddenly

I am beginning to see the possibility

Maybe just maybe

There's a half that makes me whole

Maybe just maybe

You are the gravity that on me pulls

I rarely ever used to think

That within someone's arms would I sink

That I would ever be swallowed in a blink

And have reality be what I once would dream

Maybe just maybe

You're that missing puzzle piece

Maybe just maybe

You're what makes my heart sweet

I still am not sure if I quite believe

What in front of my eyes I have seen

But till then i squeeze your hand tightly

And promise to not take this lightly

Maybe just maybe

You're the other half of me

Maybe just maybe

There is such a thing, we'll see

[not-so-bubbly-chipymunk]

Maybe's

Maybe it's the way

Your arms make me want to stay

Forever in your embrace

Or maybe it might be

The way our hands fit tightly

And the way you kiss my forehead lightly

Everything feels new

And some things truly are

Like the way I trust you

With all my heart

And the way I have loved you

From such an early start

Maybe it's how

You make my heart beat so loud

It's always singing out when you're around

Maybe it's why

I lose track of time

Always having new conversation topics to find

What once I dreamed of

Has come to pass

There are things that still scare me

But in their face I can laugh

Because when I'm with you

It feels like everything will forever last

Maybe just maybe

I'll forever be your lady

In days that are sunny or rainy

Maybe it can be

And maybe it can work potentially

Maybe there is a forever you and me

[not-so-bubbly-chipymunk]

Placeholder

Sometimes I feel like I'm just a placeholder

Holding the page for someone to come or go

Sometimes I feel like I'm just a stand in

Everything someone needs but just for the interim

But my heart wants to be more

It wants to be the star

It wants to shine bright for whoever you are

It wants to show off

And burn brighter than the sun

And show the world that all it loves is one

Sometimes, as a placeholder, all I want to be

Is to find the person who's place has been held for me