peytonssplacee

[peytonssplacee]

Day 5

I’m starting to think I’m depressed again.

I’m just sad. No other words to describe how I’ve been feeling for the past couple of months but sad.

I don’t want to feel sad. But my brain just will not let me be happy for more than a couple of hours at a time.

College has been soooo bad for my mental health, but I’ve always struggled with that. I think it just made it 10x worse.

I’ve been trying new things to keep myself happy but I can’t seem to get into a routine I like.

I like to work, it keeps me busy and takes my mind off of things, and also I make good money.

I’m hoping soon I can get out of this season of life and be happy again, because after all, it’s summer!! WOOHOO!!!

-peytonssplacee

[peytonssplacee]

Day 4

I just told my boyfriend exactly how I feel.

I kind of regret it a little bit. Our relationship has been really rocky recently, due to me.

I’ve apologized so many times and I didn’t realize how badly I hurt him. It really makes me feel like the worst person alive.

I’m scared when I wake up tomorrow he’s not going to love me anymore. I’m scared he’s going to want to end our relationship.

I love our relationship so much. I’ve never met someone like him.

I’ve never been treated right in my past relationships. He was the first person to take me out on dates and tell me that he loves me and mean it.

He’s so amazing. And I love how he loves me.

I’m so scared of losing that.

I remember my freshman year of college when I lost my best friend. That stung, and it still does. There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about her.

I’m so scared of our relationship turning into that. I’ve told him before that if we broke up we can’t even be friends. And that’s true. I can’t go from loving someone so deeply and being able to call them mine, to having to say “yeah this is my friend.” Just typing that crushes me.

How are you supposed to move on from something like that?

I really hate times like this. I hate not knowing what the future is going to look like for my relationship. I hate that we’re even having problems like these.

If I could go back and change everything, I would.

[peytonssplacee]

Overbearing

Day 3

Does it ever crush you that you can be too much sometimes?

In my relationship, I care so deeply about my boyfriend. I care about what he’s doing, who he’s with, if he’s going to be drinking or not, etc etc.

I think he finds that to be too much sometimes.

How do I stop caring so much?

It feels like I care about him more than myself sometimes. I cant help it, I love him.

I think maybe I should take a step back sometimes, but I don’t even know how to do that.

-peytonssplacee

[peytonssplacee]

Recently, my boyfriend and I went back to being long distance, we have always been long distance, but this time he’s 6 hours away instead of 3.

I think this really takes a toll on our relationship.

In the beginning, everything was new, perfect, and exciting. I love that. The honeymoon phase.

Yes, I know it doesn’t last forever, but I honestly miss it so much. I miss the excitement I felt when he would call me randomly, when he would tell me he loved me all the time, and when we would just talk for hours.

Now, it seems like all of that is gone. I’m not saying he’s tired of me, but it feels like that. We no longer talk for hours on end, tell each other the random “I love you”s. It’s just kinda… not exciting anymore.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my boyfriend with all my heart and everything in me, but part of me just feels like he’s not all in our relationship.

But the thing about my boyfriend is, he’s not necessarily a “lover.” He’s not into all the lovey-dovey stuff and he’s told me this from the beginning. I guess just falling into a routine of talking all day, calling for 30 minutes at night, and ending with an “I love you.” feels a little bland to me.

I could never tell him this though. I don’t want him to think that he isn’t enough or that he’s not doing enough, because him being my best friend and loving me for who I am is all I could ever want. And yeah, I know that’s contradicting what I’m saying, but I could use a little extra love sometimes. ;)

-peytonssplacee

[peytonssplacee]

Day 2

Recently, I think I’ve been in crisis mode. College has reaaaally taken a toll on how I feel about myself and what I want to do with my life.

All my life I was dead set on being a veterinarian. So, my junior year of high school I got a job working part-time in my city’s local vet office. Don’t get me wrong, I loved my job so much, but I just could not see myself doing that for the rest of my life. I guess a perk to the job was that I’m desensitized to most animal trauma now?

My senior year, when it was time to pick a major for college, I chose psychology. I wanted to become a clinical psychologist so I could help others and understand what they’re going through. However, my mom kinda crushed my dream and didn’t really believe in me, so I really had no idea WHAT I wanted to do.

Flash forward to freshman year of college, I had a TERRIBLE roommate. Like, she scared me and she was significantly smaller than me. That really took a toll on my mental health. It damaged me so much, I almost failed out of college because I was scared to leave my room and go to class… Don’t worry, I have much better roommates now, but I’m still in a crisis.

Recently I’ve been looking into the healthcare field. With the major I switched to, I was looking into PT or chiropractic school, but the cold hard truth is that I just really don’t understand the science classes. Sure, I can pass them, but I really just can’t grasp what is even going on…

Now, since I’m working under the lawyers, I’ve been leaning towards law school, big jump, trust me I know. I still have about a year to figure out what I want to do, but it’s really killing me because I don’t like not knowing what the future looks like, especially when it comes to myself.

-peytonssplacee

[peytonssplacee]

Day 1(ish) cont.

Hey again!

I’m finally off work so I have time to chill out and write a little bit.

I guess I’ll talk about my job. I work as a nanny/house manager for these two amazing lawyers. They truly are some great people. I just started out and I think this job will be very rewarding and I’m glad to be working with such a great family.

Today I had to work from 2:30 to around 10:15. I was not really in the best mood but you have to fake it til you make it I guess.

Tomorrow I’m going home and I’m soooo excited. I love going home to see my family. I feel a lot less sad than when I’m here by myself (my roommates are states away for internships).

I always thought I wanted to live alone because of the constant noise around me, but part of me misses it sooo much. Like it gets so boring, especially when my boyfriend is also like 6 hours away, but I’ll talk about him later.

This isn’t really anything special, I’m just starting out haha. Anyways, goodnight! Cant wait to give my spill tomorrow!!

-peytonssplacee

[peytonssplacee]

Day 1(ish)

Hello Tumblr, it’s been awhile since I’ve been on here… (3 years, yikes.) I’ve since unliked and unblogged everything I once had on here. Yeah, it sucks seeing my old writing leave into an empty void, but I believe in new beginnings.

I’ve come on here to write for myself, but also in hopes that others see my day to day writings and feel inspired to follow along.

I’ve always wanted a creative outlet, some place where I’m free to talk about whatever I want without the judgement of my friends seeing it… because let’s be real, none of my friends use Tumblr… well at least to my knowledge haha.

I guess I’ll start off with a little bit about me, like anyone is actually going to see this… anywayssss

I’m a college student, a struggling one. I am in a long distance relationship (we’ll definitely talk about that), I’m an ex-sorority girl, and I come with a load of trauma… thank you freshman year of college…

I hope this finds you well, if you enjoy what I have to say, stay awhile! Also! Feel free to tell me anything and everything (I love secrets!)

I’ll probably post later on today, as it’s 4:30am and I just decided to do this on a whim, see ya later!

-peytonssplacee