prayingfordemise

[prayingfordemise]

I brought myself new toys!

[prayingfordemise]

according to my mom I only try to kms for attention LMAO some things never change. I’m a disappointment & failure no matter what I do. In her eyes I’ll never be close to enough just a other fucking burden & someone she can ask money to LMAO

[prayingfordemise]

I’d be more lovable dead

[prayingfordemise]

she said if i was trying to die just to get attention, i didn’t need to go that far.

she said if that’s how i went out, she wouldn’t miss me for too long.

she said she loves me—but not enough to sit with me in my pain.

not enough to ask why.

just enough to make it about her.

her fear.

her disappointment.

her version of what i should be.

she didn’t ask what i needed.

she didn’t say she was glad i survived.

she didn’t say anything that felt like love.

she just reminded me

that even on the edge of death,

i’m still not allowed to be a burden.

i have to break quietly.

hurt politely.

die in a way that doesn’t make her uncomfortable.

and if i don’t?

i’m selfish.

i’m dramatic.

i’m the reason she’s upset.

but sure.

she loves me.

as long as i don’t bleed where she can see it.

[prayingfordemise]

sometimes i wonder

if anyone would notice

if i stopped existing in pieces.

not died.

just…

stopped.

if i started answering less.

smiling less.

showing up less.

would anyone say anything

before i was already gone?

or would they just say

“you’ve been quiet lately”

like it’s not the sound of me fading.

i want to be missed before i leave.

not pitied after.

i want someone to say

“i felt it. i felt you slipping.”

but no one ever does.

they love me loud,

but abandon me quiet.

and i’ve gotten so good at leaving slowly

no one even sees me go.

[prayingfordemise]

I agree I deserve all this plus more. I deserve to suffer & everyone to leave me

[prayingfordemise]

they always look at wrists.

like pain only shows up where it’s visible.

like survival only matters if it’s pretty enough to perform.

but my damage lives in the places they don’t see.

deep in the skin i never show.

under jeans.

beneath silence.

and when they ask if i’m okay

i say yes

because pulling up my pant leg

would mean admitting i lost again.

they’ll never check.

they never do.

[prayingfordemise]

I’m down 33 pounds since march, everyone happy and not concerned so ig I’m doing something right.

[prayingfordemise]

i’m not even sad anymore

i’m just… here.

awake.

unfolding.

answering texts like i’m not unraveling.

liking posts with a smile i borrowed from last year.

trying to be normal in a body that remembers everything.

no crisis. no breakdown. just…

whatever this is.

like mourning something that’s still breathing.

like holding a conversation with the ghost of who i thought i’d be.

[prayingfordemise]

my bf told me I make him miserable, that I make my best friend miserable- I agree. So why the fuck are they still around, lol.

[prayingfordemise]

I think people don’t realize how draining it is pretending to be okay just because we all truly deep know nobody gives a FUCK about us, they check up on us out of duty.

[prayingfordemise]

watch me disappear, can’t disappear by ending it so I’ll disappear slowly

[prayingfordemise]

when will this misery end, I just want to disappear.

[prayingfordemise]

I OD on my antidepressants and had two seizures. Lmao they stop my meds n now I feel more fucking miserable.

[prayingfordemise]

Ayo, sorry ur sad, but, what if I...

Said meow

Meow

:3

~ hope this helps

this saved me…

meow meow meow :3

[prayingfordemise]

I’m waiting for the right moment, when I can just end it. It’s gets better? No, I’ve been like this for fucking years and every time it starts looking better. I end up deeper and deeper into the void.

[prayingfordemise]

this void is home

and every time you try to leave

i pull you closer.

you never really meant to get out.

you wanted to pretend for a while.

but we both know—

you always come back.

they don’t hear you when you’re quiet.

they don’t look until you’re gone.

so what’s the point?

i give you consistency.

no false hope.

no noise.

just me.

and you’ve always belonged to me.