pseudofolk

[pseudofolk]

Everybody makes a big deal about carcinization, but like

god has an inordinate fondness for beetles

[pseudofolk]

A detective story

The detective is invited by Standard Rich Guy for a Thing at his mansion. Family and friends are present, there is a storm, they’re probably on an island. Everyone gather in the study, and Rich Guy is introducing the detective to everyone, gives a summary of past cases, praises his accomplishments, his sheer genius. “Well, detective” he says, “Solve this,” and shoots himself. This is followed by interviews, autopsy, going through letters and wills, culminating in a satisfying explanation to the whole thing. As the detective makes his way home, a taxi driver recognises him, asks to confirm it’s really the great detective in his own rusty little car, and finally if he managed to solve it. The detecive does a double take, and recognises the victim’s face in the rear view mirror. Cut to credits.

[pseudofolk]

The Elder wand is a bottom

The explanation given in the books for how Harry became the owner of the elder wand is bull. “Malfoy defeated Dumbledore, but I beat Malfoy, so I’m the owner even though neither of us ever held the thing.” Right, that makes sense. 

Wands are semi sentient, slightly alive or moderately picky, so they get to choose their wielders. The elder wand is the most powerful wand ever, so naturally it should have more oomph in that department as well. I think what matters is not the power to defeat the wielder, but the assertiveness to claim the wand. That’s why you can become its owner by theft, not just violence. 

Tommy tries to make the wand acknowledge him. Casting spells, killing snape, hunting down enemies. Basically acting like a needy boyfriend. Harry sees the wand, goes “You. Here.” and the wand immediately goes “Aight cool.” In this essay I will

[pseudofolk]

All right, time to head home I guess.

drops grenade on the way out

[pseudofolk]

Mashed potatoes is porridge in the same way tempura is pie.

[pseudofolk]

Hitman: trying to get piano wire around my throat, but my very large hat gets in the way

Me: doesn’t notice whatsoever

[pseudofolk]

Aliens miscategorising humans as plants because they can survive losing a limb.

[pseudofolk]

What if tails went on the back of the head instead of on the butt

[pseudofolk]

I don’t do escort missions. This is a fetch quest now.

-Shrek

[pseudofolk]

Concept:

The World Serpent is an Eastern style dragon, flying through the sky around the world. Its body is so long that it wraps around the entire planet. It travels around the world, like the Snake videogame, crossing its own body on occasion. The head is tracked, and societies band together to present an offering when it approaces. It is thought to bring good luck if it is consumed. Many have tried to count the dragon’s legs as it travels above, but no reliable count has been publshed as of yet. It is unknown why this would be important to know, but scholars have ben aiming for that achievement for melennia. They usually die from old age before the tail arrives. Sometimes lesser dragons are seen on its back, as though hitching a ride. Most religions treat the Serpent as a god. 

[pseudofolk]

Bask in attention

Get fanlines

[pseudofolk]

The two genders:

brown leather

black leather

[pseudofolk]

If you go out this halloween, don’t forget your hand-satanizer. 

[pseudofolk]

Your brain.

wouldn’t it be wild if our melting & boiling temperatures were like 2 degrees apart? lol anyway

[pseudofolk]

A list of powerful beings

Noir detectives

Blacksmiths

Disabled people who use it to their advantage

Horny old ladies

Old warriors

People who are friends with gangsters, but are not gangsters

Male (straight) friends who do MMF threesomes together

Fanfic authors

Statisticians

You

[pseudofolk]

Cowboys, but with flint locks. 

Pirates, but with revolvers.

Rapier samurai. 

Hoplite vikings.

Plate armour in WWI trenches.

Steampunk aztecs.

[pseudofolk]

Smoking cures bacon

but not cancer, unfortunately.