pyrokinesthesis

[pyrokinesthesis]

Anyone out there experience sexual attraction but not aesthetic attraction? I think that's my situation, but I don't hear anyone talk about it.

[pyrokinesthesis]

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

[pyrokinesthesis]

Conversation with my friend is now making me question my sexuality and I don't fucking have time for this

[pyrokinesthesis]

I'm gonna do cocaine about it

[pyrokinesthesis]

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

[pyrokinesthesis]

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

[pyrokinesthesis]

So I'm in academia, and for obvious reasons I've been doing some research on the topic of intersex people in relation to my field, and I feel like it's very telling that half the sources I'm finding are either intersexphobic or theses/dissertations. The source material either hates us or is written by us but is unpublished and consequently is considered less reliable.

[pyrokinesthesis]

I need one of those shirt garter things for my binder. Like those things that hook around your legs to keep your shirt tucked into your pants? One of those, but longer to keep my binder from riding up and compressing my lungs.

[pyrokinesthesis]

Personally I think we should use the singular "they" with the third person singular conjugation of verbs instead of the plural. This mostly happens with the verb "to be" but still.

"They are?" No. "They is."

"They were?" No. "They was."

Idk I think that's part of the thing making me hesitate to use they/them pronouns is that it's just so. different. in an almost unsettling way imo

[pyrokinesthesis]

I think a lot of what's been holding me back from identifying as anything other than Woman™️ is that I keep being like "I'm not feminine, but some women are masculine or androgynous and that doesn't make them less of women. What if I'm just a masculine woman? Butch lesbians aren't men or non binary, why does not being feminine make me non binary? What if-" yea you get the point.

Anyway, there's two things here that I wanted to point out. The first I've had sorted for a bit, but the second took me far too long.

A lot of my journey has been sorting out gender expression and gender identity. I know they're different. I've always known they're different. But for some reason, that always applied to other people and not me. I am not allowed to express my gender differently than I identify. Why? Idk, I'm just special I guess. That one took therapy to work through, but it wasn't fully sorted out until I got the second part.

You see that "what if" up in the internal monologue? That's anxiety. This whole time, my anxiety disorder has just been making me doubt myself and my identity because it's not grounded in anything other than vibe so I felt compelled to ask myself "but what if I'm wrong?" And most of the time I ask myself "what if," it's anxiety. And BOY that took me way too long to realize.

I'm still trying to get comfortable with it, but now that I know anxiety has been messing with me, feeling comfortable in myself will be a lot easier, I think.

[pyrokinesthesis]

If anyone has any advice on how to stay informed on US politics rn without spiraling mentally I would very much appreciate it 🙃

[pyrokinesthesis]

So much is going on in my life right now and it's not all bad or even overwhelming but I feel like I'm in a pressure cooker like I'm on the verge of some major breakthrough or moral awakening idk it's just such a weird headspace to be in.

I smoked someone's ashes. I read a book that's rewiring my brain. I found a bookshelf I made in middle school. The article I'm reading was delayed from publishing by almost a decade cuz someone stole the authors laptop. I'm back on my meds after a month of not taking them (for benign reasons). I made moussaka on a whim. I had 2 successive nights where I dreamed about people dying. I'm going through Kittie's entire disconography. I finished fixing the pants I've been working on for almost a year.

This all happened in the past 5 days.

[pyrokinesthesis]

You know what fuck it we're gonna try something

I'm agender. They/them pronouns.

[pyrokinesthesis]

Shaved my face for the first time last night and I thought it would make me feel more feminine to have a smooth face but having done a Man Ritual, I honestly feel more masculine. Yea my face is smooth, and I did work to get it that way. Something to think about ig

[pyrokinesthesis]

I could never have a girl with a dick. I would just casually fidget with her balls without noticing and probably pop something on accident.

[pyrokinesthesis]

yeah im afab, assigned fuckingstupid at birth

[pyrokinesthesis]

So there's this name, it's kinda like a dead name but like, also not really? It was a nickname my parents gave me when I was born and I HATED it, always have. It's a weird fucked up shortened version of my first name, but also it's like, a normal shortening of another name. I stopped going by it when I got to high school, but people (mostly people who disrespect me ie my mom) still call me it sometimes.

ANYWAY, point being, I have like a trauma response to hearing it now which is unfortunate because like I said it's not an uncommon name. I guess, here's my question.