queerbookshelf

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"What if the body, at its best, is only a longing for body? The blood racing to the heart only to be sent back out, filling the routes, the once empty channels, the miles it takes to take us toward each other. Why did I feel more myself while reaching for him, my hand midair, than I did having touched him?"

Book: On Earth We're Briefly Gorgeous by Ocean Vuong

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"That night I promised myself I'd never be wordless when you needed me to speak for you. So began my career as our family's official interpreter. From then on, I would fill in our blanks, our silences, stutters, whenever I could. I code switched. I took off our language and wore my English, like a mask, so that others would see my face, and therefore yours."

My review for this book was "I wish I could use words the way Ocean Vuong does. I wish I could swallow a dictionary to know all the words and maybe in that way I would be able to share my feelings after finishing this books."

And it's funny, I don't know how many books I will read this year, maybe this is the last one, hopefully not. But no matter how many I read, the feeling is always the same when I finish one. I never have the words to express myself at the end, even after spending hours reading words. I should have them, I just devoured them all from this book, I could borrow some from Ocean Vuong and say something beautiful. But I can't. I really can't.

Reading this made me remember what it was like to be in a foreign country trying to hide from everyone but just the fact that you're there but not from there makes you stand out. I remembered all the embarrassing times of trying so hard to blend in, to use the right words, to be just like everyone else but never being able to because my skin would never be as light, I would never have the right words and even when I was trying to be quiet, my presence would be loud just because I didn't belong.

Now that I do, now that I've forgotten all of that; this book made me remember, made me think of my parents before me, made me think of my country, of my family I'm slowly forgetting because it's easier to do than to try and put into words how I feel.

So no, I don't have the words to express all of this because I never do, because I don't know all the correct English words but I can tell you that I remember now, that this book made me remember and maybe whoever reads it will remember too, what it was like before and see how far they made it because of people before them. It probably won't be pretty but it's never good to forget.

I feel like all my "reviews" (I'm embarrassed to even call them that) after I finish books this year will start with "I don't know how to explain my feelings" but I'll make an effort of writing something because I like to go back and remember why it made such an impact when I read it.

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Just finished this book and I don't know how to cope. I saw it was described as "the french Brokeback Mountain" and I don't think it quite fits and I'm not really sure what I was expecting from it but it surprised me in a good way.

It made me wish I understood french so I could read it in its original language and I might go back to try and learn the language after this just so I can't miss out french literature again.

I was not prepared for this to end, in fact, when I realised that what I had just read was the last word it made me want to scream because although it made sense, there was nothing else to say after all, I felt like I needed more from Thomas, I wanted more. And that's probably how Philippe felt all those years ago, I'm sure.

"I discover that absence has a consistency, like the dark water of a river, like oil, some kind of sticky dirty liquid that you can struggle and perhaps drown in."

Perfectly put there, just how I felt reading that last word.

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I discover the pain of missing someone. I miss his skin, his body, which I once possessed and then had taken away from me. It must be given back under the threat of madness.

Book: Lie With Me by Philippe Besson

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I love you. I love you. I love you. I'll write it in waves. In skies. In my heart. You'll never see, but you will know. I'll be all the poets, I'll kill them all and take each one's place in turn, and every time love's written in all the strands it will be to you.

Book: This Is How You Lose the Time War by Amal El-Mohtar, Max Gladstone.

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Book: Days at the Morisaki Bookshop by Satoshi Yagisawa. Translated by Eric Ozawa.

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I found joy in reading again and I want to scream loudly about it from my window but since that will probably end badly I'll share it here. I found joy in reading again.

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"The past is a powerful force, though, because Alex did love James once. Loved him in the way young, lonely people love-too fast and with too much of themselves, and Alex remembers. And remembering hurts."

Book: Like Real People Do by E. L. Massey.

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You say, "Telling stories in just one way misses the point of stories." You can't bring yourself to say what you really think: I broke the stories down because I was breaking down and I didn't know what else to do.

In the Dream House by Carmen Maria Machado

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Book: In Memoriam by Alice Winn

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"If you were killed, I doubt I should receive a telegram-our friendship has always been too tenuous for others to be aware of it. Still, in my imagination, I receive a telegram. I see your name and I think, There goes the man I might have spoken to, had I only been able to open my mouth. You say that what is left of you is not worth much. I can only respond by assuring you it is worth a great deal-to me. Your friend, Gaunt."

Book: In Memoriam by Alice Winn

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"I do not care to be part of any group where you are not welcome. Your friend, Ellwood."

"Your letter made me laugh for which I am very grateful. It was a little like having you here. I have folded it up and put it in my inner pocket, you know, the pocket where people keep those miraculous Bibles that seem to stop many bullets in Daily Mail."

"I'm sorry. This is not what I intended to say. What I meant to say is this: You'll write more poems. They are not lost. You are the poetry. Yours, Gaunt."

"Thanks awfully for saying all that stuff about my poetry. It made me grin like anything. Send my love to Maitland, won't you? And keep some for yourself while you're at it. Yours, Elly."

Book: In Memoriam by Alice Winn.

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Virginia Woolf

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I will always be a slut for feminine rage, for women covered in blood that is not their own, for the flash of white teeth beneath a dangerous red smile, for nails shaped like claws, for a voice that sounds like a knife, for the complete descent into a blind pursuit of revenge. I'd willingly bare my neck for that woman and relish in her bite.

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Okay I'm excited to share this one.

@merlina87 was kind enough to send me an ARC of their upcoming book, Just Stu, and let me tell you, I devoured it in a few hours and it literally had me giggling and kicking my feet.

I want to share a little bit of the thoughts I had while reading this book.

John is a 41 year old that's trying to find his feet in a new place after divorcing. He makes fast friends with a group of beautiful queer people that become his found family before he even notices. And then we have Stu, lovely and beautiful Stu. I can't express with words how precious this character was to me. Flirting through their characters in an RPG campaign and bonding over rock music, they become best friends and slowly, without realizing, it grows into something more.

With a diverse group of characters with representation of all kinds, this book reminded me of something so important and that is that we don't have to accommodate to other people to be more palatable to them, to hide who we are just to not make others uncomfortable. It reminded me that we just need to surround ourselves with the right people and they will accept everything that we are with no question, they will encourage us to be who we truly are meant to be and they will do everything in their power to help us be happy. Because that's what real friends, partners and family do.

There's this particular quote that stuck with me and that I want to share:

"From now on, I want you to expect everything. Every bit of respect you've not gotten before, expect it from me. And I want you to hold me accountable to it. If I mess up, don't bear it because it could have been worse. You deserve good things, not just good enough."

This one had me sitting down to take it in, not because I didn't know this, but because I forgot how important it was to have someone say this to you. I'll carry it with me wherever I go and try not to forget again, because this is what we all deserve.

I honestly fell in love with all the characters in this book. It felt like a warm hug yesterday when I needed it the most.

I want to thank Merlina for sharing this with me before it's out, it was a privilege. And for the rest of you, the book will be available the 25th of September so you better mark that day in your calendars. If you're feeling impatient you can check out Merlina's first book also set in this universe called The Flourishing.

This was a beautiful read and I hope everyone else enjoys it the same way I did.

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Isabel Allende, The House of the Spirits