rachelysilva - Tumblr blog

[rachelysilva]

And when I looked into his eyes, I instantly knew I was fucked.

6/15/20

[rachelysilva]

"Baby when i'm 30 i'll laugh about how dumb it felt Baby when i'm 30 i'll laugh it out"

[rachelysilva]

The world is so cruel, you can't blame me for holding onto the only glimmer of hope I had.

6/8/20

[rachelysilva]

Sometimes the hardest part is learning when to let go.

6/8/20

[rachelysilva]

crossing paths

perhaps i spent all this time grasping onto air

onto something so deeply ephemeral 

maybe that’s all we were ever meant to be

two strangers whose paths had crossed

for a brief moment in time

to lick each other’s wounds

then continue on this journey we call our lives

-2/20/20

[rachelysilva]

Pondering Love

It’s difficult to describe the particular kind of hell I’ve endured these past few months. With the world going up in flames around me, I’ve attempted to compose myself and do my best to keep myself from completely shattering into a million pieces. 

I’ve always been a goal-oriented person. I’ve considered myself confident, level-headed, and earnest. However, I fear that I’ve lost myself. I let one person completely and utterly destroy my sense of self-confidence. I allowed this person to make me feel like I’m not enough, like I’m not worth effort or time or energy or love. I just compromised my core values just to get this one person to see my worth.

Isn’t it fucked up how we just compromise parts of ourselves just to be loved?

And in the end, there’s no guarantee that we’ll receive that love we so hoped for.

My entire life I thought love was about self-sacrifice, about mustering through the pain because you know it’d make your loved one happy. I thought unconditional love was about total devotion irregardless of the outcome.

But I’ve learned that just because you love someone, it doesn’t mean they’re deserving of that love or devotion. 

It’s natural to be lonely, I feel that it’s human nature to crave another being to love and to cherish. But using others to fill that void, even when you know you’re just using them for convenience...it’s unacceptable.

I’ve allowed a lot of bullshit in my life for the sake of “love”. I’ve “loved” a number of people in my life but never once have I been show the same kind of commitment. I’ve never asked of it. I’ve never once ever expected to be given love. But I think that’s where I’ve gone wrong.

We should expect love from others, especially from those we love. We shouldn’t just be complacent with meager crumbs of affection. We especially shouldn’t mistake physical intimacy for love. I’ve shared some of the most private parts of myself, both tangible and intangible, with people who had no intention of cherishing them.

And for what?

I allow myself to be known, to be vulnerable, in the hopes that the right person will see that I’m worthy of love. Unfortunately, I don’t know if I’ll ever find that. I’m hopeful, I believe in love. I want love in my life. I simply just don’t know if anyone is capable of loving me the way I love. 

I’m so tired of being used. 

I wonder how long I’ll be able to continue trying to love and how many more heartbreaks I’ll have to endure on my search for it. -5/29/20

[rachelysilva]

People will always somehow disappoint me. Maybe it's better just being alone.

5/25/20

[rachelysilva]

You know, I think I'm coming to accept that I'll never truly be happy in life. I just don't think it's meant for me.

5/25/20

[rachelysilva]

I'm tired of giving the most fragile part of me to people who have no intention of sticking around.

4/18/20

[rachelysilva]

I’ve given parts of myself to make others whole.

4/17/20

[rachelysilva]

Do you ever just hear a song that completely encapsulates every single emotion you feel and you just sit there in awe? That’s precisely what this song is for me right now.

[rachelysilva]

God is(n’t) Dead

Yet, despite all the despair, I still hold on to hope. It is my greatest flaw.

Some deep, visceral part of me wants to believe that there’s an order to all the chaos, that this all means something.

I want to believe that the world will turn into a Heaven on Earth, that all hunger, and sadness, and pain will be done away with.

I long for a future full of Good.

I want God to exist.

But not this horrible, angry God who only cares about our reverence of him. 

I want to believe in the loving, kind God who sees humanity as worth saving, “sins” and all.

But I think this is just a lie we’ve been told to make ourselves sleep better at night.

Perhaps I’ll just live my life never knowing.

-3/30/20

[rachelysilva]

God is Dead

The day I realized God was dead, the world was collapsing around me.

I sat in bed, face sodden with tears, lungs gasping for air, and one name falling off my lips.

I was alone and isolated.

I prayed and prayed and prayed. Anything that would make the pain cease.

Silence.

We’re taught that God doesn’t answer our prayers the way we intend them to, and yet the silence stung. 

I felt betrayed, disillusioned, and hopeless.

What could is believing in a God that doesn’t answer?

How is all of this supposed to be part of a Higher Purpose?

Again, we’re taught that we cannot possibly know what God’s Plan is or understand His methods.

What good is a God that gives us this knowledge, this wisdom, if we cannot understand what it is for?

Why have faith in a God that wants nothing more than reverence? 

That’s not my god.

In fact, I’m pretty sure there’s no God at all.

-3/30/20

[rachelysilva]

I think I know now why people fear falling in love.

3/30/20

[rachelysilva]

One Day

One day I hope I’ll forget the way you smelled

or the sound of your heart beating against your chest

or the way your eyelashes flutter as you drift off to sleep.

One day I hope I’ll forget the way you parted my thighs

and kissed your way to the deepest caverns of my soul

and made me speak in languages I didn’t even know.

One day I hope I stop seeing you in my dreams

or wake up craving your warm embrace

or wishing all these memories to fade.

One day I hope I just stop feeling this way.

-3/30/20

[rachelysilva]

Voice

Although I know I shouldn’t,

I can’t help but reach for the phone and dial your number.

Despite how many times I reason,

You’re the only one I want to hear from.

No matter how much I hate myself for doing so,

Just hearing your voice feels comforting and warm.

That deep, melodious baritone both soothing and sensual,

I fear it actually may be addictive.

To be honest, 

All of you is like a drug to me.

I’ve all but forgotten what life was like before I ever heard that voice of yours.

-3/29/20

[rachelysilva]

Time of Uncertainty

In the past few weeks, the entire world has shifted and any bit of normalcy we once had has collapsed.

Right now, we are all afraid, uncertain, and feeling perhaps a bit hopeless. I’m no different. In fact, things feel harder to swallow, feelings I had struggled with now feel more difficult to handle. Depression, anxiety, heartbreak, all of it now feels like an ocean of emotions I’m quietly drowning in.

Every day is currently a struggle for me. I wake up with a knot in the pit of my stomach and every night I go to bed crying hard into my pillow. I’ve tried every thing I can to make these feelings dissipate: alcohol, weed, sex, Netflix, you name it. Yet, nothing has helped make our bitter reality any easier to deal with. 

Yesterday, I had contemplated taking my life. It was the first time in a while that I actually felt suicidal. Nothing felt good to me. Although I like to think of myself as an optimistic person, the idea of happiness suddenly seemed so foreign to me. 

The one person who made me feel safe in the world confessed that he no longer wanted to be with me and even though it was an eventuality I had prepared myself for, the reality of it struck harder than I anticipated. I hadn’t realized just how hard I had fallen for this man and just how absolutely safe and wanted and needed he made me feel. 

My parents, now in their 60s, have been struggling with their health for the past few years and now with the virus going around, I fear I may lose them at any moment. My father was deemed “essential” at his job despite being a 65-year-old diabetic with heart problems and as my mother is currently out of a job, he still goes to work as he’s afraid of not being able to make ends meet. 

A few months ago I started a new job that, although invigorating and challenging, has made my imposter syndrome and overall anxiety worsen. I constantly fear of not working hard enough or not performing up to par no matter how much my boss says he’s happy with my performance. Now with the way the economy is looking, I fear being laid-off more now than ever. 

These are just a few things that I have been struggling with for the past few weeks, and I know there are others out there who are suffering much more than I am. For now, I at least have my health, my loved ones are still alive, and my job is still secure for the most part. Nonetheless, I am hyperaware of the fact that all of this can change at the blink of an eye and I often feel I have no one to turn to even though I know I have a wide group of friends and family as my support system. 

I think perhaps all I really want is for someone to hold me, kiss my forehead, and tell me everything is going to be all right. However, in the age of social distancing, that is impossible. So I guess right now I’m just trying to be my own comfort, find safety and security in myself rather than other people. Admittedly, I don’t think I’ve ever been good at that. 

But I’ve got time on my hands now. The least I can do is try.

-3/25/20