rantsbyra - Tumblr blog

[rantsbyra]

It's Been a While

May 27, 2024

Hi friend. Casi un año desde la ultima vez que te escribí, but a lot has changed in this past while. When I went through my summer of solitude last year I thought I had really learned to be alone without feeling lonely. And I did, I really learned how to love being by myself and enjoy the moments I had with my own mind, the moments of quiet, alone with nature in the parks, the beauty in seeing the world through my lens and nobody else's influence. I carried this mindset through the fall and into the winter, and it helped me become a more solidified person. But then came the end of winter and I met someone. He was a really great person. He was headstrong and knew who he wanted to become. He had good morals and saw the best in people. When I met him, I could tell he had been hurt in the past, and maybe that was why he was such an optimist. I really admired that quality in him.

As time went on I become more and more enamored by him and his charisma. I wanted to be for him and what he wanted, but in the back of my mind I knew that that was never going to happen. I changed myself for him, but not in any bad ways. He was a traditional man, and I wanted to become a housewife for him. I started going to church again because I knew it was important to him. I've never been one to envision my end goal being a settled down life. And I've never been somebody who wanted kids, but I would have been happy to grow old and raise some with him.

But as the universe has it's ways of doing what it needs to do, it did just that. A girl entered the picture. And just like that, he started to treat her the way treated me. I saw him less and less, and it hurt. It hurt a lot and for a while too. When a year ago I was able to be content in doing things alone, now doing the simplest thing made me feel like the loneliest creature alive.

I don't feel any resentment towards him, he's still a really good guy, and I don't feel any towards the girl either. She's really beautiful, and I hope she's good to him because he deserves to be happy after all he's been through. He found someone who was a better match for him than I was. I think that being able to be happy for him despite feeling alone is a testement to how good of a person he was. It's been weeks since I've seen him, but I hope he's doing well and that he has what he wants in life. I'm not sure if I'll see him again, but I wish him all the best.

I'm re-learning to be happy with only myself, and I've been on an upward trajectory as of recent. I'm seeing the world with more color, and although I still feel those breif moments pangs, I know I'll be okay.

[rantsbyra]

I'm reading this book about artificial intelligence for university, and this line on how intelligence is a result of the interaction of non intelligent parts with one another is kinda motivational. If you're struggling with your studies and, like me, think you're too dumb for academia, just remember that the AI overlords who will bring apocalypse upon us once, too, started from nothing. Thank you for coming to my motivational speech. Hope it has helped.

[rantsbyra]

I'm not sure what's going on

August 20, 2023 3:13 a.m.

Heroin - Lana Del Rey

I'm not exactly sure what's going on at this moment in time, but I just feel like writing right now. Classes start tomorrow for my first semester of my last year, and I'm not sure what's gonna happen after that. I'm going to school for music performance, but I'm not sure what can come of that after I graduate. I just wanna work for a few years at my current job while I still take private lessons and save up some money to get a new car, build up my credit, and travel. Maybe just for a year or two I'm not sure. I don't know if my parents are expecting anything to happen immediately after, but if they are I'm scared to disappoint them. I wanna pay them back for all the help they've given me these past few years. I wanna go to grad school after I've taken some time off from school. In that time I wanna figure out if I wanna be a performer and continue studying performance or go back and study music therapy, something I've always been interested in. I also started off as a music-ed major, but I switched a year later. In the time maybe I'll get a teaching certificate and become a choir teacher. Who knows? Maybe I'll quit everything and start from scratch, I don't know.

[rantsbyra]

Life Recently

August 15, 2023

Cinnamon Girl - Lana Del Rey

So it's time for a quick update guys. I think the last time I posted was at the beginning of June. Since then a couple things have happened. Where to start? So, a week into June my car broke down and has been busted for like the entirety of the summer. Because of this I went into a little depressive episode because of how little I got to see people besides my coworkers and family. But on the upside, I finally turned 21. I went to pride with friends the week after I turned 21 and it was fun. I went to my first gay bar and had a lot of fun. Not much else has happened since then. I went to go see the Barbie movie, and it slayed hard. Classes are coming up so I figured I'd give one last update on the summer before they start up again and I get swamped with coursework. I'm entering my last year of college and it's really exciting but kind of sad too. I haven't really processed that, but I'll leave that for next semester. Anyways, till next time.

xoxo

[rantsbyra]

Gustave Doré, Sapins dans un paysage alpestre, 1877. Graphite and watercolor

[rantsbyra]

Park Day 🌲

[rantsbyra]

Kali Uchis May 16, 2023 @ Byline Bank Aragon Balroom in Chicago, IL

[rantsbyra]

Waterparks May 13, 2023 @ House of Blues in Chicago, IL

[rantsbyra]

Waterparks Concert

From May 13, 2023

ST*RFUCKER - Waterparks

[rantsbyra]

Quick Life Update

June 4, 2023

G3 N15 - Rosalia

Damn, it’s been a while. Hey, just a little small life update since the last time I posted, which was like maybe eight/nine months ago. Damn frr...  So, I just finished my third year of college this past May, but let’s do a quick run through from where I left off in like August? September? So, I started my third year of college last fall. That was super cool, Honestly, best year so far. It was like I was finally living in a post pandemic world for real meaning I finally got somewhat of a normal college experience. I made new friends and got closer with some of the ones I had made in the past two years. I started talking my musicianship a lot more seriously. Which, I’m not sure if I’ve said on here yet, but I’m going to school for music. (BM in Voice) I got to take part in some newer experiences and got more comfortable on the stage. I got to be a part of my first opera production and had some opera scene classes, which was really fun. However, I didn’t pass my upper divisional, which at my school is a performance in front of the entire music faculty and they tell you if it was good or not, so that wasn’t fun. It was a very depressing week or so after finding out that news, so I think I’ll right about it maybe soon. I also had my first recital. That was really fun and exciting, but also anxiety inducing because I didn’t want it to be bad, which I don’t think it was. Overall, this school year went rather well despite some low points. Other things that have happened since my break: I’ve gone to a few concerts. I got to see Harry Styles back in October which was really fun. It was my first time seeing him and I was really excited. I looked really cute and had so much fun. I also saw Waterparks in May with my sister and Kali Uchis the week after with my cousin. Both really great concerts. I’ll try to make posts for those later with the videos and pics I got. On a separate note, I’ve gotten back into reading recently. I finished American Gods and After Dark recently and I started The Woman Destroyed not too long ago and I’m having so much fun finally enjoying reading again for the first time in a while. Some other stuff probably happened that I’m forgetting, but yeah. That’s been my life over the past months. I’ve been really happy which has felt strange, but good so yeah. Till next time, I guess. Also happy pride month! <3

[rantsbyra]

Fashion!

August 27, 2022 10:13 p.m.

Fashion! - Lady Gaga

Over these past few years, maybe about the past like three years I would say, I have started to develop a deeper appreciation for fashion. Genuinely, I love seeing people who know how to dress themselves in such a way that they can express themselves stylistically. And even more recently, I would say, I’ve only just begun to really think of it in that way. Like I knew before that fashion is form of art and art is expressive, but it wasn’t until only now that I clicked those two together because I have a tiny manatee brain. I guess when I was dressing up I would think “oh this is cool” or “this is cute” and that would be enough for me to buy something or put it on. Like I would spend so much money on clothes when I first started making money with my first job because I would be dressing up for other people I feel. I would buy into what I think would impress other people like my friends and others who saw me because I wanted that validation even though I wasn’t being 100% authentic. But when I was doing that I would pretty much, thinking back now, dress for the other people around me. For instance, I grew up around the “punk” kids, And although I love that scene and those people and their styles on them, I wouldn’t necessarily take their style nowadays; whereas back then, in my mid teen years, I would. And still to this day because that scene was a part of my upbringing I like some pieces of clothing from it, but I’m not gonna dress up head to toe in a punk aesthetic. Nowadays, I’ve spent way less money on clothes, and that was partially because I felt like I didn’t have a sense of self. I didn’t know who I truly was, and I still don’t fully. so there wasn’t anything to express. And recently, I’ve been getting more in touch with who I really am as a person, but I’m still having trouble with figuring out a way to express that outwardly which in turn is making me feel like I still don’t know who I am at all. Anyways, even though it’s frustrating I still love it because I’ve recognized that fashion is art, and my favorite thing about art is when it makes me think.

[rantsbyra]

undefined

Broadside July 29, 2022 @ Beat Kitchen in Chicago, IL

[rantsbyra]

Back in Action... kinda

August 13, 2022 9:53 p.m.

quiero sentirme bien - Kali Uchis

Well... I’m back after almost a month of being MIA. Technically not my fault for the entirety because I didn’t have wifi for about a week due to a storm. Either way, it’s not like anybody reads this, plus I said this wouldn’t be a regularly scheduled blog. Anyways, since my last update I went to a Broadside concert that I bought VIP tickets for on the 29th by myself. It was the first concert I went to by myself, so that was a little scary. The nerves only lasted a bit though because about an hour into the I ended up making friends with a few of the other people that had got VIP. That was a fun, yet depressing experience at the end of the night when I had to go back home and take the train by myself. My original plan was to facetime some friends so the ride wouldn’t seem so long but nobody would pick up. Since then, nothing much has happened and I got into a little bit of a depressive episode but I’m feeling better and started hanging out with friends. I went roller skating this past Saturday with my sister and cousin, which was really fun and something I’ve been wanting to do for a while again. I’m also supposed to go to the beach this Wednesday with some friends before classes start up again. I know that’s gonna be fun but it’s still gonna be bittersweet bc they’re gonna be moving a few hours away. Speaking of though, I am very excited to start my 3rd year of college in a few weeks. I met with my academic advisor and had a little planning session on Wednesday. Oh yeah also update on the phone situation. I still haven’t bought it and I know I really need to get on that because with school starting up again I know I’m gonna be out for the vast majority of the days. I’m hoping the raise I got at work will help that. Anyways, I’m gonna go shower and get ready for work tomorrow because it’s gonna be my coworker’s last day. I’m gonna be so upset because she is genuinely so chill and her vibe is IMMACULATE. I’m only working 5 hours though, so at least I won’t upset the whole day. I don’t know when I’m gonna update again (Well, I mean I do... I’m gonna upload some videos of the Broadside concert after I post this. But after that I mean.) But till then, take care :)

[rantsbyra]

Chase Atlantic Concert

July 18, 2022 2:22 p.m.

Into It - Chase Atlantic

I went to a Chase Atlantic concert this Saturday; it was really fun and fight broke out during the wait hehe. Anyways, here are some pictures I took that I think didn’t turn out too bad considering the state of my current iPhone XR (I think I’m finally gonna buy a new one sometime this week.) 

[rantsbyra]

Overworked

July 15, 2022 2:20 a.m.

Miss Y - Marina

I’m sitting here writing this on my laptop at two in the morning not really upset about anything but more just tired and exhausted. I worked every day this past week and a half since last Thursday and tomorrow is the last shift I have to work before my day off. I had to cover three of my coworker’s shifts this week because she got covid, and those just happened to be the days that I had off. At first I thought ‘Oh cool I’m only gonna be working 3 days this week anyways, so here’s my chance for some more hours. Maybe I’ll even have enough money for a new phone with all the hours I’m about to get.’ But now after having worked these past 8 days and one left to go I am so incredibly tired. And I know it’s my fault for agreeing to take them, but it’s my blog so I can complain about whatever I want :p. Anyways, I’m just hoping all of this work gets recognized, by the very least with a FAT check on Wednesday. I also have to take some other shifts next week because two hours into opening today, this new guy who only started about two weeks ago, walked out and decided it was his last day, leaving only my manager and I to open the whole store until the next two people came in 3 hours later. His sudden leave of absence means that there where gonna be open shifts to fill up next week since the schedule had already been made and since my manager already had a hold of me she asked if I could take them. I said yes since I only work three days next week, but I didn’t take all of his shifts this time because I feel that after this week I’m gonna need some R&R. I’m gonna go to a Chase Atlantic concert on Saturday, so maybe I’ll post an update then. Till next time, bye for now :)

[rantsbyra]

Privacy Matters

July 7, 2022 3:16 a.m.

The Secret Life of Me - Waterparks

So I’m not sure how to start this off but let’s get the main point out of the way - I identify as non-binary (because I don’t know exactly what my current gender situation is, I just know I don’t fully feel like a “man” and quite frankly I don’t feel like figuring it all out right now at this exact moment... I also identify as gay but like that’s because I am very male presenting and I don’t know exactly how else to label my sexuality other than saying I’m attracted to men, but I feel like saying “I’m gay” just makes the whole conversation get on faster than explaining it out but now I’m rambling and getting off topic so that’s a topic for another post someday.) Anyways, this past Monday, I was “outed” at a family cookout by my somewhat drunken sister. And I say “outed” very loosely because it’s not like I was in the closet or anything. I’m very open about who I am, I’m just not advertising it to everyone and their grandmothers. Anyone who has ever had any type of social interaction with me can usually tell that I’m on the fruity side, but as for my gender situation it’s still something that I’m still figuring out at my own pace, which by the way is a very leisurely pace. I’m barely just starting out my personal journey. I mean for god’s sake, I’m only 20, let me take my time. But anyways I don’t know exactly what my feelings on the situation are. All of my cousins are very liberal and supportive so I didn’t feel any type of way when I showed up. Oh!! By the way, I totally forgot to mention that I was outed when I wasn’t there because I had to work, go home and get ready, and then joined my family a little later after the cookout started. So I don’t know if that’s why I’m feeling whatever way I’m feeling about it. She just kind of talked about my business when I wasn’t even there, which has always bugged me no matter how small or inconvenient the piece of information about me is. I don’t like being talked about when I’m not present just because whatever is going on and whoever actually is present isn’t interesting enough to be talked about. It’s like a weird type of gossip where people will talk about me and then let me know that they talked about me. Like mofo if you’re gonna talk about me don’t tell me you talked about me. Anyways I don’t know what kind of rant this was but that’s all for now. Maybe I’ll make a continued post if I get the energy. But I guess until then, bye :)

[rantsbyra]

Intro... I Guess

July 7, 2022 2:58 a.m.

Intro - The XX

I doubt anyone will ever read this very make-shift blog, that’s bound to have many typos and grammatical errors, but in case someone ever does... hi :). My name is Rei and I’m a, friendly turned, 20 year-old as of June 22, 2022. I’m starting this blog because I don’t have many friend I feel comfortable trauma dumping or just ranting to about certain things like gender shit or other not so serious but sometimes concerning stuff that goes on in this noggin of mine. Also, I’ve been wanting to keep some sort of journal or diary of some sort recently just because I want to see my own personal progress? evolution? development? I’m not sure how often I’ll update this but we’ll see. So, with that said, this is goodbye until my next post which I’ll probably write as soon as I finish this post because I didn’t get the urge to finally make a blog/journal thing just to write an intro post.

P.S. 

I have a friend of a friend who does this whole format on their Instagram posts where they add a song and a quote for each post before they write out their actual captions, and I think that’s really neat so I’m gonna try to incorporate that into this somehow (the song part, not the quote... maybe the quote thing idk maybe if it’s relevant to the post, but I don’t think I know enough quote to do that one.) Still, I’ll figure out how to add a song to these or just post one after each post idk, we’ll see :)

P.P.S.

I figured it out