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Aww, Halle!

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I love pop culture. This is a rendition of my music room.

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Danny Trejo: The Greatest Expendable Who Never Was

by Chris Xtravaganza

Let’s take a moment to celebrate The Expendables franchise—a testosterone-fueled, explosion-ridden love letter to every action hero from the ’80s and ’90s. Sylvester Stallone assembled a dream team of cinematic tough guys: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jason Statham, Dolph Lundgren… even Jean-Claude Van Damme and Chuck Norris showed up. But you know who’s conspicuously missing? The man, the myth, the machete-wielding legend himself: Danny Trejo.

I mean, really? The guy who looks like he’s been in more knife fights than the entire cast combined didn’t make the cut? The same Danny Trejo who could walk into a room full of mercenaries and scare them into apologizing for their life choices? No room for him among the ragtag group of “expendable” badasses?

Maybe he was just too intimidating. Stallone probably took one look at Danny and thought, “No way anyone’s buying me as the leader if Trejo’s on screen.” Or maybe they figured they didn’t need another knife guy because Jason Statham was already twirling his around. But come on, Trejo’s knives are his personality.

And don’t even get me started on his résumé. You’ve got guys in The Expendables whose biggest claim to fame is blowing stuff up in movies where they barely speak. Meanwhile, Trejo’s been in over 400 films, has his own taco empire, survived actual prison fights, and still finds time to rescue puppies. But nah, let’s give that spot to Randy Couture instead because who doesn’t love random MMA nostalgia?

It’s fine, though. Trejo doesn’t need The Expendables. They needed him. And let’s face it: if Danny Trejo had been in the franchise, it wouldn’t have been called The Expendables. It would’ve been called Danny and Those Other Guys Who Showed Up to Watch Him Work.

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I bet that was one helluva ride.

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Adam West, Christopher Reeve, and Lynda Carter as Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman. The Real Justice League.

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Hell yeah, sons! C’mon and smoke wit’cha man and listen to Wu-Tang!

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Just Biggie and Pac looking for the perfect beat.

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Champagne Papi vs K-Dot

On the cool... I think K-Dot would fuck him up.

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All this talk about drones in the sky. Can we talk about the aliens in the ocean?

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I can dream, right?

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Beef

Back in the mid to late 90s, Suge Knight and Sean Puffy Combs were head to head in a East Coast-West Coast beef. Back and forth bullshit in the media led to the senseless deaths of Tupac Shakur and the Notorious BIG. Ain't it a bitch that BOTH of these record label honchos are doing hard time?

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Saturday Night Fever: Tony Strikes Back!

The years haven’t been kind to former disco king Tony Manero. After a brief stint on Broadway in the universally panned Satan’s Alley, Tony’s dreams of fame faded faster than the Bee Gees’ chart dominance. His big break came when he was tapped to choreograph Frank Stallone’s world tour—an “opportunity” that was as glamorous as it sounds. But Tony’s career came to a screeching halt when an ill-fated spin move during a Jerry Lewis telethon left him with a bum knee and a lifetime supply of pity applause.

Broken but not defeated, Tony limped back to Brooklyn, where he found work as a dance instructor at the local YMCA, teaching middle-aged dads how to moonwalk and moms how to twerk. Life was… fine, until a shocking turn of events brought disco back from the dead. Fueled by a sudden resurgence in bell-bottoms and glitter, Tony dusts off his iconic white suit, polishes his dance shoes, and prepares to remind the world—and the TikTok generation—why he was the original king of the dance floor.

It’s time for Tony to settle scores, reclaim his legacy, and show these little bastards what it means to strut. Move over, millennials—Tony Manero is back, baby, and this time, the only thing burning is the disco floor.