recoveringpsychotic

[recoveringpsychotic]

current mood:

crying on the toilet while taking a shit

[recoveringpsychotic]

I will not....

Change the way I love you because you're pulling away

Stop eating to try and stop fueling the ache in my soul

Lose myself to love you

[recoveringpsychotic]

Quiet Musings

Stress is trying to trigger a flair.

My cards tell me "the healing occurs when I give myself permission to feel whatever feelings live below the triggers".

The recovering perfectionist and people pleaser is unsure how to reach out safely in authenticity.

Bear with me....the cards also told me to "choose love no matter what".

That tight grasp I usually have on reality. It's slipping away. Oops there goes gravity....And I'm not sure I care.

Fun fact stress can also cause an increase in OCD symptoms; hello darkness my old friend ❤️‍🩹 these recurrent thoughts are exhausting.

Let me be very clear, I dont want to hurt myself.

Let me be very clear, I just keep seeing scenes of myself hurting myself in various ways

Spend $300 on clothing using a credit card I know I can't pay off 😈 I dont want to, I dont want to derail my progress.

Ask someone else to hold me knowing it'll probably turn into sex and its not her 😈 I just want her to hold me.

Create new scars 😈 Its been a long time, over 10 years and I'm the cleanest I've ever been.

Blow up my life again? 😈 I dont want to.

Fuck up my sleep patterns....I guess that might hit the spot 😬😵‍💫

[recoveringpsychotic]

I feel broken

....that's it

[recoveringpsychotic]

Things that make me anxious...

I'm worried about not getting my finances in order and setting myself up for the most success. I'm worried about not every actually being able to make myself open my doors for private practice. I'm so worried I'm no longer good at what I thought would be my career. I'm worried I'm too broken to help people heal. I'm worried I won't be able to be successful at private practice, even part time.

[recoveringpsychotic]

Tell Me I'm Sexy Spread

1. Card to Represent Me Right Now iNkosazana (Zulu/South Africa) – Goddess of Celestial Alignment – High Priestess Temple (Water Element) – Healer of Healers and teacher of teachers.

Guidance: Natural path is to be in alignment with your own divinity. Embodiment: No one can take from you what they didn’t give you. “I am always being guided in the right direction”

2. What Don't I See In Myself That Would Make Me Fall in Love With Me? Qetesh (Egypt) – Goddess of Sacred Lust – Lovers Temple (Fire Element) - "Mistress of the Gods", goddess of sacred sexuality, ecstasy, and fertility. Guidance: You are an erotic creature; you have a divine right to experience sensual ecstasy. Embodiment: It is sacred to give and receive pleasure. Lean into your sacred lust.

"It feels good to feel good."

3. What Do Other People Find Sexy About Me? Queen Nandi (Zulu) – Goddess of Intuition - Queens Temple (Fire Element) - Mother of the warrior king Shaka Zulu. Guidance: You already know. Take a deep breath and surrender to what you know to be true. Trust your inner wisdom and guidance. Embodiment: Put your hands over your third eye (center of your forehead) and ask, "If I knew what the answer is, what would it be" Then follow your first instinct. Slow down. Go for a walking meditation. Be present with nature and pay attention. Being present allows you to feel, hear, see, and sense your guidance.

"I am knowing"

4. What Should I do to Get Closer With My Sexy Side? Atete (Oromo/Ethopia) – Goddess of Worthiness - Warriors Temple (Bush Element) - Queen of the gods, fierce protector of women and girls. Guidance: Stop hiding, shrinking, and playing small. You are mighty. Embodiment: You matter. Worthiness is in your veins. Accept yourself now. You are deserving and worthy. The parts that you or others dislike are worth loving too.

"I matter"

5. What Beliefs About Myself Am I Ready To Release? Erzulie Dantor (Haiti) – Goddess of Etheric Cords - Lovers Temple (Fire Element) - Fought elbow to elbow with her people during the Haitian Revolution to protect mothers an children; represents the healing of the dark mother. Guidance: If it isn't wholehearted love, release it. Remember your worth. Embodiment: The energy cords binding you and somone you no longer wish to be attached to are strong. You must be willing to let go. See divine swords of God/dess's loving light separating you and dissolving the cords between you. You are both whole and healed. "I am worthy, compassionate, and whole"

6. A Card To Represent a Tip For My Sex Life Oya (Yoruba/Nigeria) – Goddess of Storms - Warriors Temple (Water Element) - Wielding her sword of truth; storms bring shift, rapid and uncontrollable change, and at times, chaos. Guidance: The winds of change are in motion. Personal storms clear away the old. Embodiment: What would you like to change? If you're not actively changing it, you're choosing it. Focus on what you want. The biggest thing holding you back is you. Feel your feelings. Honor your journey. Tell yourself the truth and practice self-compassion.

"I make shift happen"

[recoveringpsychotic]

Group Therapy Snapshots

Parts in the darkness to me (multiple voices): "To be seen as a child is a display of weakness that doesn't feel safe right now"

Me to my parts (the children within me): "Your pain is not going to scare me away. I am not afraid of yucky wounds. I will walk with you and hold your hand as long as you need me to."

[recoveringpsychotic]

Beauty in the Authentic 12.2.24

I was given the book Authentic Beauty as a teenager

Raised to believe that inside every young woman is a princess

In search of her prince, in culture that mocks our longing for tender romance

The book was supposed to be an invitation to begin a never-ending love story

The goal was to discover the authentic beauty of a life fully set-apart

In reading that book I realized I am indeed fully set-apart

Because inside the body of that young woman was/is not a princess

It is a prince searching for the authentic as an invitation to beauty

A young king in the making in a culture that mocks his ability to be tender

A young human refusing to be shackled by childish notions

A young human that longs for authenticity

Someone who began a never-ending love story

With themselves

Someone who discovered beauty in the authentic life

A life that set them fully apart

[recoveringpsychotic]

Snapshot of Your Life - Seeing the Bigger Picture Tarot Spread

1 - Represents the current main focus in the picture of my life

King of Pentacles

Represents ambition, success, generosity, loyalty, and precision

Enjoys luxury, but even more he likes having a full treasury and solid investments

He is analytical, stubborn and methodical

Possesses full confidence in himself

Likes a safe emotional distance from others, and protects what is his

Coins signifying wealth tumbling into flowing waves (water symbolizes transformation, nourishment, purification, and life's ephemeral nature)

2 - How my current life fits in to my life purpose

5 of Pentacles

Financial loss and poverty

The feeling of being isolated and alone, rejected or hopeless

It could mean that you need to ask for help from people who are there to support you

Don't be afraid to ask a friend for help or to offer help to someone in need

3 - An area of my life that has great composition (balance, organization)

3 of Cups

Heralds glad tidings

Friends gathered and celebrating

4 - What I'm currently moving toward

9 of Pentacles

Person of refinement who has reached a stage when she can enjoy the finer things in life

Independent and self-reliant

Living her fullest life in her truest form

The spotlight is on her, no shade here

Feeling her best self, serving abundance

5 - Something I should pause for better understanding

7 of Swords

Sneaky/deceptive, stealing swords from the opposition or his own troops

Not being able to be honest about honest about one's self

Without swords to fight the sailors would lose

If the Marine is caught he'll have to face the consequences

6 - Something I need to overexpose (pay more attention to)

Page of Wands

A confident young Caribbean man (Descendants of escaped slaves and local Carib Indians who remained independent of Europeans).

Embodies a rebellious attitude of the era, strength and bravery of the people.

Wand is firmly planted and blooms with new growth.

He brings a message of courage and independence

7 - How I can let more light in

The Magician

Holds the four elements of the four suits for they have control over all the necessary elements to manifest their intentions

They are between the heavens and the earth and have access to both

They move through the world of spirit and the world of men and have found wisdom and knowledge

[recoveringpsychotic]

TW: Self-Harm

I thought piercings and tattoos were my most socially acceptable forms of self harm. It was actually being married to a narcissistic abuser.

[recoveringpsychotic]

Goddess Temple Spread 8/19/24

Blue Super Moon - Full Moon

Soul – What does my soul need me to know?

                (34) Nunde – Goddess of Truth – Temple of Griots (Water) – “The truth is my friend”

Mind - What am I really thinking or feeling?

                (21) Soucouyant – Shadow of Scarcity – Temple of Shadows (Air) – “My blessings always overflow”

                Action: Make a gratitude list. What are you grateful for right now?

Body – What is happening with me physically?

                (36) Queen of Sheba – Goddess of Secrets Revealed – Temple of Queens – “I am connected to the Divine”

                Reminder: You don’t know what you don’t know.

Notes: Orange/Red (Warm), reflection

[recoveringpsychotic]

Feral & Yearning

I just wanna kiss a curvy POC hottie

[recoveringpsychotic]

Soul Healing Spread 6/23/24

Your Current Situation (How you are without healing. How your soul is crying out for help and what it's manifesting as): Six of Cups - "You might also be feeling a little nostalgic; maybe there's something painful from your childhood that needs examining. Just don't forget to be kind to your past self. Embrace them"

What Part of Your Soul Needs Healing (What part needs the most help at this moment, what you need to work on making it better): Four of Swords - "You have forgotten to take care of yourself. You are so worn out, so take a break; Relax, close your eyes, meditate Take a nap. Do what you need to in order to recharge."

How You Can Heal Your Soul (Area you need to work on, speed the healing process of card #2): The Lovers - "You're feeling lucky in love, drunk in love, maybe a little crazy in love. There's a chance that these new feelings come with a choice to make so embrace your desires and trust your heart. This card represents all kinds of love, especially that person in your life who makes you feel like you could climb mountains." Farther Up & Farther In: Who makes me feel like I could climb mountains? Mama Djombo (African Goddess Rising/Goddess of Shine - Griots temple/bush element) - You were born to shine. Be seen. Be heard. Be a movement. We need to know your name. We want to learn your dance. I am ready to be seen and heard. The answer is that I am my own new partner and I need to say on this path.

Outcome of Your Soul Healing (How you will feel after you've healed this aspect of your soul. This is not the end of the journey, but the end of a piece of the journey): Seven of Wands - "You're fiery drive has given you the strength and willpower to climb to the top of the cliff only to have others try to knock you back down. You've succeeded and you're feeling strong, but others may be jealous. They'll try to make you feel like les and sow seeds of doubt. Don't let them. You deserve to be here. Fight for yourself"

[recoveringpsychotic]

[recoveringpsychotic]

Healing for my Ivy

I've been on my Harleen to Harley journey. I'm freeing myself from the Joker and now I guess I need to heal for myself to prepare for my Ivy.

[recoveringpsychotic]

Self Blockage Tarot Spread

Buffy The Vampire Slayer Tarot Deck

Where You're At Right Now - 8 of Pentacles - Even when she's at the top of her game, Buffy still trains. Her calling is one of mastery of precision, and always seeing what more she can perfect. This card invites you to assess your own skills. Where would you like to spend more time? What could you level up? Take this card as an assurance that whatever energy, time, and focus you devote to yourself will be a wise investment.

What Is Standing In Your Way/Blocking You - 4 of Stakes - Ah, home, sweet home! This card represents the feeling of returning to a familiar place, to reuniting with your community and being supported by a strong foundation. It can foretell a respite before a stressful period-like taking a break to grab more stakes before a brutal patrol and encourages you to soak up all of the cozy.

Suggested Next Steps & Actions to Take - The Hanged Man (Spike) - A bad poet, a good man, and willing to give up his bloody ways if it means saving the ones he loves. Spike as The Hanged Man is about perspective, growth, and sacrifice. He may have lived for sodding ever, but even as vampire like Spike can see the world in a new light. What can you learn when you stop, give in to your surroundings and relinquish the pursuit of progress? This card asks you to do just that: take a pause. You are on the verge of self-discovery, and if you go with it? You might just find your own spark.

[recoveringpsychotic]

Statistics

I realized that I have spent my whole life trying to avoid being the wrong kinds of statistic; dropping out of school, unwed mother, etc. Now as I'm going through this divorce process and processing trauma and have realized despite my best efforts I have been the wrong kind of statistic; emotionally neglected child, teen sexual abuse, and undiagnosed/untreated mental illness....the statistics seem less important now