responsiveparenting

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The Problem with Full Body Listening

There is a misconception that a child who is sitting quietly is able to concentrate better but the reality can be quite different. For some children, the mental and physical energy it takes to sit quiet and still is all consuming. This leaves them depleted of the energy required to focus on learning. What they end up learning is how to not be disruptive in a classroom setting, which is only a…

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Responding to Common Concerns About Child Care

This is a post from a Mommy group that I responded to. Post: Long post ahead… Moms please talk to me about daycare. We are registered to start my toddler in a couple weeks and I don’t know if it’s jitters or mommy instincts but I think I might have to back out. We’ve gone for 5 visits now to get LO acquainted and used to the teachers and other kids and I always come home with more worries over…

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“Hey your child pushed my child!”

Scary moment when another parent confronts you because your child hurt their child. We’re going to make the assumption that the aggression has ended, if your child is still hurting another child, go stop that before you talk to the parent and child.  Be genuinely empathetic and apologetic Stay calm Keep it light and friendly  I would say something like “She pushed your daughter? Oh I’m so…

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Movie Night Sibling Conflict

My 11 yr old came up with the idea to create a “movie night” setup in the living room which included bringing the Fort couch up and some other pillows. Well, part of the Fort Couch is kept in my 4 yr old’s room. She saw this setup and was immediately distraught because she claims ownership of several of the items and apparently was not in the mood to share. Typically, these 3 can work a situation…

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How do I get my child to do things without threatening to take away his things?

We use cooperation and collaboration, not consequences, when we need our child to do something they don’t want to do. Children who are punished in order to get them to obey tend to start giving the same threats with others “if you don’t give me that truck, I’m not inviting you to my birthday party!!” They grow to learn that if someone doesn’t do what they ask, they should threaten them to get…

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A Collection of Articles About Sleep

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The Adopted Child’s Burden

Adopting a child is an emotional experience for everyone involved, down to the nurses and social workers. EVERYONE wants this to be the best choice for the baby. EVERYONE wants to see the baby thrive. Most babies are not sent home with such a big role. All the adults want confirmation that they all “did the right thing.” The pressure is massive on an adopted child. We are expected to be gracious,…

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“I’m Calling 911” A Story of Childhood Trauma

Children do have a right to a safe place to live. But I did not have that. Not only did I not have a safe place to live, I often had no place to live. If my Mom and I argued, I was expected to leave the house for an undetermined amount of time because I treated her with disrespect and that was on the contract she made me sign to get back in the house every time, that I had to treat her with…

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A Sense of Entitlement Reflection

I believe we all feel entitled to things at times and often, appreciation and gratitude is what we feel AT LEAST entitled to. I had a moment today where I felt a sense of entitlement and I wanted to walk you through how I reflected on those feelings. Someone commented on a post of mine that they found the picture inappropriate. They had commented before about the same picture, and mentioned as…

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“Mine, mine, mine!!”

When a toddler starts saying this, it can often feel like they are being selfish. But actually, toddlers, by nature are egocentric. Egocentric can look like selfish but selfish is being aware of others needs and choosing to meet your own, without regard for others. Egocentric (in regards to toddlers) is more about being unaware of others needs, not maliciously oblivious. There are stages of brain…

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Egocentric Did you know that toddlers are egocentric? Egocentric means you don’t understand or recognize that others have different thoughts and feelings. Toddlers think that everyone is seeing the world from their perspective. A great example would be how a toddler will bring something to show someone who is on the phone. We know the person can’t see it but the toddler thinks they can see it because the toddler can see it. Although this aspect of development is in some ways learned, because it does take social interaction to completely grasp, it is mostly just a part of the toddler brain that simply has not developed yet. Likely for good reason. Attachment is so crucial in the younger years that toddlers benefit from having a singular view of the world. Our relationships can become more complex as we begin to realize that others are thinking and feeling different things than we are. That complexity, whether by nature or nurture, is too much for a toddler to grasp, from a social, cognitive and emotional aspect. Common Questions about the Toddler Workshop 1. Is it at a certain time? No, you can watch the sessions anytime. 2. Can I access them offline? Yeah, they are MP4’s so you can download them to your device. 3. Is there a limit to how many times I can watch them? No 4. What is the format? They are animated power point presentations. Sessions 1-3 are not narrated and sessions 4-6 are narrated. 5. A workshop like this usually costs over 100$’s, why is yours so cheap? I just want it to be accessible. Link to workshop sessions in bio @responsive_parenting or on the website: responsiveparentinginspirations.com #responsiveparenting #peacefulparenting #gentleparenting #attachmentparenting #attachment #attachmenttheory #parenthood #earlychildhoodeducation #earlychildhoodeducator #earlychildhood #childdevelopment #childdevelopmentspecialist #childhood #intuitiveparenting #instinctualparenting #toddlerlife #toddlersofinstagram #parentlife #instatoddler #toddlers #jmilburn #parentingworkshop #parents #fatherhood #momlife #kidlife #babylife #letthembelittle #childhoodmemories #toddlerfun https://www.instagram.com/p/Cg4SQAPgHv1/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

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I wrote this many years ago and thought the detailed explanation may be helpful. I also find that this method is not very necessary in our home anymore so it should be used only when you are unable to guide them in other ways. How do YOU feel about this approach? That is the most important question❤️ Want to learn more about how to negotiate life with toddlers? Get the Toddler Workshop Series to learn everything about toddlers. And how to practice Responsive Parenting through all the changes and challenges of toddlerhood, such as tantrums, autonomy, egocentric view point, sleeping, toileting, weaning, “YES” spaces and managing our own emotional triggers: https://responsive-parenting.myshopify.com/a/bundles/surviving-toddlerhood-discount-1v6u Link in bio @responsive_parenting or on the Website: responsiveparentinginspirations.com #ResponsiveParenting #JMilburn #ParentMentalHealth #MaternalMentalHealth #PostPartum #MensMentalHealth #ParentingLife #HealingJourney #GentleParenting #AttachmentParenting #Attachment #AttachmentTheory #Parenthood #SelfHealing #SelfCompassion #EarlyChildhood #ChildDevelopment #ChildhoodMemories #Triggers #HoldingSpace #SelfRegulation #Empathy #UnconditionalLove #Parent #KidLife #AlwaysLearning https://www.instagram.com/p/Cg22n7RLliv/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

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“How your child treats you will not determine how they treat the rest of the world. Instead, how you treat your child will determine how they treat the rest of the world and themselves.” J. Milburn⁣⁣⁣ ⁣⁣⁣ We are their safe place. Children don’t typically act the same with other authority figures, as they do with their parents. There is a connection and trust there that allows them to feel safe enough to crumble into our arms. They throw dirt at us because they know we are the only one’s who care to know what’s hidden in the debris. Disrespectful behaviour is usually misunderstood behaviour. It’s usually communication. It’s not a character defining moment when your child is emotionally dysregulated. We all become dysregulated at times. It’s important to normalize those feelings and model how to process emotions and offer grace. ⁣⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ I discuss this further in my latest e-book 👇⁣⁣ ⁣ Finding Your Calm: A Responsive Parents Guide to Self-Regulation and Co-Regulation⁣ ⁣ Link in bio @responsive_parenting or on the Website: responsiveparentinginspirations.com⁣ ⁣ #ResponsiveParenting #JMilburn #ParentMentalHealth #MaternalMentalHealth #PostPartum #MensMentalHealth #ParentingLife #HealingJourney #GentleParenting #AttachmentParenting #Attachment #AttachmentTheory #Parenthood #SelfHealing #SelfCompassion #EarlyChildhood #ChildDevelopment #PTSD #CPTSD #ChildhoodMemories #Triggers #HoldingSpace #SelfRegulation #Empathy #UnconditionalLove #Parent #KidLife #AlwaysLearning #PTSDAwareness https://www.instagram.com/p/Cg2Zz38p298/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

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“So you just let kids do whatever they want? Isn’t that permissive parenting?” One of the most asked questions…. We respond to behaviours that need to be corrected for safety or respect of others, while being mindful not to try and correct behaviours that don’t need correcting. At the same time, “correcting” a behaviour is never done through punishment, shame or manipulation. The “correction” is done through love and empathy. A lot of people feel like if you don’t punish children to correct behaviours, they’ll just keep doing them but this assumption is not true for a child with secure attachment. They feel like their parent is helping them to stay safe and healthy. When we “correct” behaviour with love, and not unnecessarily, children see us as someone who supports their needs. They often don’t realize this until middle childhood, since toddlers think everyone sees the world as they do. I will tell you as the parent of an 8 yo who has never really been punished for their behaviour, that it really does build a foundation of trust. My first, our 8 yo, is extremely trustworthy and honest. We have not been the perfect parents with our first. Parenting was a challenge, for me especially. My child has been yelled at and made to feel shame about things. I regret that I let my triggers hurt them. But overall, I have been a safe place for them. I tell you this part to let you know, it’s not about perfection, it’s about connection. Coercive Parenting vs. Responsive Parenting CP uses fear as a motivator. RP uses connection and empathy as a motivator. Get the Toddler Workshop Series to start this process early… usually the first time we are tempted to use coercion. Link in bio @responsive_parenting #ResponsiveParenting #JMilburn #Toddlers #PeacefulParenting #HoldingSpace #EmpathyMatters #BreakingGenerationalCurses #BreakingToxicCycles #ToddlerLife #ToddlerWorkshop #ChildLedLearning #ChildLed #Parenthood #Compassion #Motherhood #Parents #ParentLife #DadLife #Children #MumLife #Kid #Fatherhood #BeTheChange #Kindness #KidLife #Childhood #Kids #RealTalk #Childrens https://www.instagram.com/p/Cg1gmjQALKt/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

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“Mess is my biggest trigger. How am I supposed to avoid that with 3 kids?” You can’t! That’s why we’re learning skills to process the triggers we can’t avoid like mess, whining, crying, disobedience, etc. Parenting brings up triggers that we can’t avoid, such as mess. I think the impulse for many is to resolve this trigger by constantly trying to keep things clean. The thing is, this often suppresses the feeling and perpetuates the cycle of frustration and anxiety. Let’s look at some of the very valid reasons why mess can be overwhelming. - Reflection of your worthiness as a parent/partner - Feel overwhelmed by too much clutter - Feel unappreciated - Feel unsupported - Sensory overload - Feeling disorganized - Feel like all the house work is your responsibility - Feel like others don’t respect the space the way you do - Feel tired with the constant work So all of these are very valid reasons to feel triggered. Now with a trigger like this, we are not INVALIDATING. We are validating the emotions. So instead of trying to talk yourself out of these feelings, your going to validate them. Why? Because YOUR TRIGGER IS VALID!! Once you’ve validated yourself, you can self-regulate and once your are self-regulated, you can think about how you want to deal with the situation. Learn more about this in my latest E 📖 Finding Your Calm: A Responsive Parents Guide to Self-Regulation and Co-Regulation Link in bio @responsive_parenting or on the Website: responsiveparentinginspirations.com #ResponsiveParenting #JMilburn #ParentMentalHealth #MaternalMentalHealth #PostPartum #MensMentalHealth #ParentingLife #HealingJourney #GentleParenting #AttachmentParenting #Attachment #AttachmentTheory #Parenthood #SelfHealing #SelfCompassion #EarlyChildhood #ChildDevelopment #PTSD #CPTSD #ChildhoodMemories #Triggers #HoldingSpace #SelfRegulation #Empathy #UnconditionalLove #Parent #KidLife #AlwaysLearning #PTSDAwareness https://www.instagram.com/p/Cgz-TVkv7Yu/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

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If you don’t understand the value of co-regulation in the process of developing secure attachment, it may feel….⁣⁣ - Inconvenient⁣⁣ - Uncomfortable⁣⁣ - Unnatural⁣⁣ - Permissive⁣⁣ - Ineffective⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ Lean into those feelings and ask yourself “why does this feel so wrong to me?” and “When did I learn that too much love is wrong?”⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ Learn more about this in my latest E 📖 ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ Finding Your Calm: A Responsive Parents Guide to Self-Regulation and Co-Regulation⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ Link in bio @responsive_parenting or on the Website: responsiveparentinginspirations.com⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ #ResponsiveParenting #JMilburn #ParentMentalHealth #MaternalMentalHealth #PostPartum #MensMentalHealth #ParentingLife #HealingJourney #GentleParenting #AttachmentParenting #Attachment #AttachmentTheory #Parenthood #SelfHealing #SelfCompassion #EarlyChildhood #ChildDevelopment #PTSD #CPTSD #ChildhoodMemories #Triggers #HoldingSpace #SelfRegulation #Empathy #UnconditionalLove #Parent #KidLife #AlwaysLearning #PTSDAwareness https://www.instagram.com/p/CgztkomJxUl/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=