run2dasun

[run2dasun]

3.5.2023

I am deciding to write on a day where I don't feel shitty. I'm not really sure what to write about. I know nobody reads these because they're so long, but I'll keep this one short. I didn't do anything today besides be lazy. But I haven't hit my pen once today. If I felt like this everyday, I would say life would be worth living. I hope I keep feeling this way. Have a good day to any of my viewers that I have. Unfortunately, I'm only followed by bots

[run2dasun]

A Little Rant about my life

I have this fear that nothing is going to work out for me and that everything I am doing is pointless. I feel like going to college is pointless and I feel like I'm going to get nothing out of it. I don't want to work a dead end job for the rest of my life, and have a life like the rest of my family. I want travel the world, and feel free. I want to be able to live comfortably rich, and just live somewhere tropical, by the beach so that I can surf (meaning I want to learn one day). I want to be able to write stories, and be semi famous for my work. I want my name to be known, but I don't want my face to be recognize out in public. I don't know if that makes sense, but that's what I want. I want to own a cafe by the beach, but have a twist on it (I don't want to say just in case someone steals my idea). I also want to be a content creator. I want to have my own blog/vlog where I write and record videos. I'll show videos of me traveling, doing normal things and just being myself. That is my dream life and i feel like that I will just never get there. I don't know how to get there either. It's like I wish someone could give me the step-by-step guide on how to achieve all these things. I feel so overwhelmed with school and then having the weight on me that my soul is just another wasted one and I'm not going to be able to achieve my dreams. It's starting to affect me. Especially the more I think about it lately. I don't know how to stop feeling like this, or how to get my life in order to do the things I want to do and achieve my goals. I feel stuck and I don't know where to start. On top of that, I feel like if I try to go after what I want, it's not going to work out and I will just be the other family mistake that was too ambitious. How do I get myself out this mess?

[run2dasun]

Diary Entry 1.6.2023

Well, I haven't been posting like I wanted to. A lot has been going on since I last posted. I had someone very close to me die suddenly. Not only that, but he also died during finals week. I had drama with his death all the way up till his funeral. Nothing major, just family things. The only upside is that I did pass all my finals. My GPA isn't what i wanted it to be, but it's the best I ever got in a first quarter, and my grades will only go up from there. I also managed to quit vaping. Right now, I'm 5 days sober, which is awesome. I always knew I could do it, but it's just having the strength to do so.

Going back to the death I had recently. Ever since that person close to me has died, I feel like I have the strength to do anything I want to do. Thats why I quit vaping. A part of me had just became disgusted towards it, and I couldn't smoke it anymore without wanting to gag. I never had that happen to me before. Has anyone else experienced what I'm describing? It doesn't have to be with vaping, it could be with anything. For some reason too, I'm getting the urge to write more. Sometimes I feel like it's him pushing me to do what I'm meant to do.

I know this was a lot to digest in one post, but I had to give a little update. He died on December 6. I don't want to say who it was, because I feel like it would give too much away about who I am. I just want anyone to know that dealing with death isn't easy and if anyone needs to talk my messages are always open. Especially during the holiday season, it can be rough.

[run2dasun]

I'm just an introverted girl who loves fashion, music, movies and culture. ♡welcome to my safe space♡

*she / her * straight *INFP *Icon *F

[run2dasun]

Diary Entry 12.2.2022

Long time no sees! I'm sorry for not writing everyday like I said I would. Life has been pretty hectic. I'll give you guys the run down.

Since my last post, I caught my boyfriend cheating on me with two girls. Crazy right? I confronted him about it, and he didn't really say anything. Not to be the one to use the word 'gaslight', but I am pretty sure that he gaslighted me. He tried to make it seem like I was overreacting. This happened before Thanksgiving. It was kind of sad, but it is what it is, and people come and go. I'll find someone better that can appreciate me.

After break, all that I have been doing is studying for my final exams. This is my first college exam, and I'm a little nervous. I have three papers that I need to write, and study very hard for my philosophy exam. I'm failing that class, with a 59%. i tried my hardest in this class, but sometimes things don't work out. But I'm hoping the extra credit will help bring my grade up. At this point, all that I can do is study and pray.

I applied for a job back in my hometown for winter break. I need a little bit of money before I come back down to college. So far nobody had contacted me back yet, but I'm going to apply for more today.

The final thing that I have done is go to therapy. I should have gone a long time ago, but my parents didn't support it, so now I'm going for free at my university. I'm going to be going consistently now to help me heal. I have tried healing on my own for years, but it feels like every step I take forward I always end up getting pushed ten steps back. I have an idea on things I need to work on and what order I should do that in. Yesterday, we talked about my first love, and how no matter how hard I try, I can never seem to get over him. I told her I tried everything to try and get over him but it doesn't work. My therapist (we will call her Bee), Bee suggested that a join a club or do something to occupy my mind. So now that is what I'm doing. I'm going to write a novel. I have a great idea for a novel. Eventually when I'm done with it, I'll send it to a publisher to see if I can get it published. I'm going to be very optimistic about this, because I think this could be a good thing.

Farewell,

-M

[run2dasun]

Diary Entry 11.18.2022

Hello World!

I'm assuming you clicked on my page because you could relate to it, just wanted to be nosey, or you're actually interested in what I have to say. Either way, I'm glad you're here.

For starters, this is my first-time using Tumblr, so bear with me.

I'm going to introduce myself now!

Hello, you guys can call me M and I am an "awkward black girl". For those who doesn't know what that means, you'll soon figure it out as I continue to post. As of right now though, I am not ready to share my true identity with the world, but maybe as time goes on and my followers want to know, I'll do so.

I made this account as my personal journal. I'm not sure why I am making this. A part of me hopes to find other people like me, struggling in the same way. A part of me hopes that as time goes on and I write out everything about me, I'll eventually heal and become the person I want to be. But another part of me wants to let others know that they're not alone in what they experience (hopefully).

I'm going to try and be as transparent as I can on here, but like I said before, I don't want my identity out there just yet, especially if I am going to be discussing my personal issues on here. Maybe one day, but not today, or anytime soon. But enough about that, let me tell you about myself.

I am an 18-year-old black girl with a lot of issues (I would say). My friends describe me as a hippie. I personally don't think so. I'm in my freshman year of college and I don't have a major yet (problem 1). Music is my life, and I honestly don't think I'd be alive if I didn't have it. My future goals are to become famous for my writing. I love to write. It doesn't matter what it is, as long as it's something I find interesting. Doing my nails is another hobby of mine as well as doing yoga. I don't know what else to say about myself right now. I'm sure anyone reading will figure it out.

Well, that's it for my first post. I can't wait to see how this goes.