samcantdate

[samcantdate]

Okay I disappeared again...

But I need a break in the regularly scheduled programming to freak out... My sister found out she’s pregnant today. She hasn’t decided what to do, but I do believe she will keep it. It’s a complete surprise, but she has a serious boyfriend she loves. It reminds me of me a year and a half ago... I was with my ex.. I thought we’d be together forever. I got pregnant and we both wanted to keep it... we were shocked, and scared.... and after processing? Excited. But then I miscarried... and not even two months later we were broken up...

I’m so excited for my sister if she chooses to keep it! But it does bring up so many feelings of not only past trauma, but... she’s younger than me... I’m the oldest! Where am I in life? I’ve had two serious boyfriends I thought I’d start families with, but here I am.. in my 30s... lost....alone... I don’t know. This isn’t a fun entry like my others.... I just am having a weird time tonight...

[samcantdate]

I was catfished 😬 PART 1

That’s right... Someone from the internet tricked me into believing they were someone they weren’t for three whole months. I thought I basically loved this person, but their numerous inconsistencies led me to dive deep on the internet and find out the truth. Buckle up, because this one is a doozie, and as of yesterday, has popped back into my life to get even more bizarre. This is going to have to be sectioned into parts, because it’s just so much information, even when I condense it down.

So, how did it start? I have an on-again-off-again addiction to mobile war games... the kind that are quite expensive 😅. In fact, my last relationship (the one that lasted a year and a half and I moved across the country for the dude) started on a mobile war game. Anyway, for me, it’s not weird to befriend or date people from online. 

COVID had been getting to me, and I was feeling bored and lonely, so I decided to start playing a new mobile game. I quickly joined a group, and became friends with the people I was playing with, as we pretty much all spoke all day. One person from the game, Nial, was an attractive, muscular Welsh guy, with lots of tattoos, and a cute smile... Honestly, most people’s type, but I tried to steer clear, despite the fact he clearly was showing he wanted my attention. When I decided to quit the game somewhat out-of-the-blue, Nial found me on Instagram, and provided emotional support while I was going through a depressive episode. We became fast friends, talking all day everyday, through text alone. He was insanely easy to open up to, and amazingly understanding... within weeks, he knew my deepest secrets that I hadn’t shared with ANYONE. Every trauma that had happened to me, my mental health struggles, and embarrassing details. Nial told me all about his daughter, Karly, who was apparently actually his ex-gf’s daughter, but she felt closer to Nial. This is the first thing that struck me as odd, because she was supposedly 17, and he was 29. He said his ex was 34, and had er at 16. Soon, she too was following me on Instagram.

The one catch with Nial, aside from the part where he lived an ocean away in Wales, was that he was a depressive addict. As a natural empath, I am drawn to those with painful stories, and seek to understand them. Nial had told me at length all about how he found his dead mother’s body after she overdosed, when he was just a child, and how his abusive father didn’t want him and gave him up to the system. His life and childhood massively pulled at my heartstrings, and I could understand his suicidal tendencies, and desire to drown his life in alcohol and drugs. Some nights or mornings, I wouldn’t be able to get ahold of Nial, and would fear the worst. That’s when Karly and I formed a friendship. She would contact me if he was missing, or I would contact her if I hadn’t heard from him. Countless nights I had to message her to ask her to pick Nial up from some random location, drunk or strung out. The two of them became huge parts of my life.

When Nial confessed he had feelings for me other than friendly, I was honestly relieved, because I was feeling the same way. He started writing me poems, talked about the future, and would make plans for future trips to America with Karly to come see me. 

Like, these are actual messages from him... you can see how he had a way with words:

However, some things just weren’t adding up. I kept asking for a FaceTime call, which Nial would agree to and “plan,” but it would end up never happening. I’d send voice clips, but get none in return. I would hardly ever get even photos, meanwhile I was sending photos and videos of my daily life! Anytime I would bring this up, Nial subsequently have some sort of episode and go off the rails with drugs. Then he’d come back, and tell me how much he loves me and needs me and he just can’t send pictures or voice clips, because he is embarrassed about how fucked up he would look and sound, and he needs to get clean “for me” to be “what I deserve,” first. This would assuage my misgivings for a few days, but I’d inevitably start demanding proof again shortly after.

Three months into the madness, Nial pulled a stunt while I was at my grandmother’s funeral in another state. Karly frantically messaged me saying he was missing and left her some sort of suicide note, and he had done somewhat the same to me. I stayed up all night trying to help Karly figure out where he was after she supposedly called the police, and even posted a photo of him on her story with a case reference number. After I got Nial to finally tell me where he was, and Karly assured me the police had taken him to the hospital, I knew I needed to figure out the truth. The entire situation was just so dramatic and, frankly, unbelievable, that I knew there were lies upon lies.

I, and even my best friend, had attempted multiple internet investigations prior, but this time, I was not giving up until I found something....anything.

To be continued in PART 2

🖤Sam

[samcantdate]

Lil’ Update

So that first date I was supposed to go on tonight with the dating app guy? Cancelled it. I’ve of course convinced myself he’s a complete waste of my time and I won’t like him at all, and I can’t tell anymore if my reasoning is sound, or if I just automatically self-sabotage 😂

But so get this... I haven’t told this story, yet, but a few months ago, I was catfished for three months by what turned out to be a chick in England. Being the little detective I am, I tracked down the real people whose photos were being used, and the *real* guy has just now been messaging me on Facebook 👀👀👀👀👀I’m trying not to overthink it because I don’t actually know him... just his photos... But having the dude I thought that I severely liked for three months tell me I’m pretty is a dangerous game to play with me LOL I’ll write about the catfish story tonight, because it’s a doozie.

🖤Sam

[samcantdate]

Hey babes 😊 You ever hear music that speaks to your soul? Hozier speaks to my soul so often, but this song especially 🖤

[samcantdate]

Depression

Tonight, while I’m sipping on my Tito’s and ginger soda, I want to get a little (really) serious for a sec, and talk about what finally got me to start writing this blog that I’ve been threatening to for the last 3 years. Firstly, though, I want to mention that I’m really not a vodka drinker. I crush beer like a frat boy (except I drink IPAs like the hipster filth that I am), I love a good dry red wine, I relish a dirty gin martini, I ADORE whiskey, and I can fuck with tequila. The Tito’s is just here, and as a somewhat high-functioning alcoholic (uh, but not so high-functioning as of late 😅)? I’m drinking it.

Anyway, as you can tell from the title of this post, the thing that got me to start writing, is my depression. I’ve struggled with depression my whole life, but between my breakup last year, and COVID? This shit sucks a lot more than usual, man, LOL.

Annnnnd because of my depression, I have difficulty connecting with others on a higher than sexual plane, which explains how I have so many hilarious dating stories.

But yes, it’s been difficult for me (and I know many other people) to feel productive lately, and so this blog has been born into the world...for better or for worse 😂

🖤Sam

[samcantdate]

The Present

Alrighty... so I started this thing, and immediately neglected it. No big deal, since no one is reading, anyway, right? But this is for me, and I need to be more committed to this process. Bear with me... this writing isn't going to be super great. 😬

So, while I’m sitting in bed watching mindless YouTube videos about popping pimples (don't pretend there aren’t millions of you that do it.. I see the view counts!), and avoiding answering my texts, what better use of my time, than this?

I can already tell, this blog probably won’t be in chronological order, especially since I feel like I’m awful with revealing information without being asked questions, but I swear, everything that I tell you here? It happened to me---pinky promise.

Let’s talk a bit about my present dating situation...shall we? Like usual (for me), it’s all over the fucking map. I’ve for some reason, agreed to go on a FOURTH date this weekend with a guy that after the first date, I told it wasn’t going to work. Let’s call him, Jeremy, because ya’ll... he is SUCH a J-name. And boy, do I have an awful attraction to J-names. You guys know the thing about J-names, right?

The first date with Jeremy was almost three months ago, at this point. He had been begging for another shot, so out of sheer boredom with other failed dates, I gave in a month ago. We went on two more dates back-to-back. The first was actually not bad, except for one of his friends inexplicably showing up and later asking if I might have any friends for him... But, I agreed to a second date, which was fine. We went to a nice dinner, and then I had some friends out that he agreed to go meet up with... Sounds weird, but Jeremy had actually met a few of them before on our first date. 

All was well, until he spotted another girl he had been dating. He did immediately tell me, but then went on and on to me about how obnoxious this girl was... I joked and I said I could pretend to be his friend if it was an issue... He laughed and said no, but then this chick walks up. He didn't even introduce me, and proceeded to chat with her for around ten minutes. At this point, my group of friends had already seen my discomfort, and came in and pulled me away. Long story short, Jeremy gets an earful from my friends about disrespecting me, I tell him he’s made me very uncomfortable, and he leaves. He did shoot me a few texts later, apologizing, which I promptly ignored... lol

The next day, I decided to tell Jeremy something along the lines of, “Hey, shit happens. We’re all dating other people... you couldn't control that, but I did feel super uncomfortable, and you could have handled that way better.” He was excited to hear from me, and I thought I was giving him a chance to genuinely apologize; but, instead, he makes a joke about how great my tits are 😒... FUCKIN DUUUUDES, man! Mind you, against Typical Sam behavior, after three dates, I still have not slept with this guy... truly only kissed, a grand total of two times. I tell him we aren’t going to work...for the second time 😂

God, is this story even interesting? I swear I have better stories (luchadores, catfish, meeting people off fetish websites... stay tuned, bitches!), I’m just trying to layout what’s happening right now.

So, if you’re sane, you’re probably thinking Uh...So why in the hell are you now, another month later, going on a FOURTH date with a dude you don’t see it working with, and who has irritated you on multiple occasions, Sam? Hah. Well, here’s the thing... I’ve reached the cycle in dating other people where I’m both finally bored enough again to give assholes second (fourth BAHAH) chances, and I also had a recent dramatic situation involving a certain dude I may have accidentally slept with months ago, come to light in a way that was extremely unfavorable for me... More on that situation another time...

 So, Jeremy and I will be seeing each other this weekend... As he texted me, “Fourth times the charm, right? 😂” SMH

And, I’ve also agreed to a first date with a guy from a dating app on Thursday. I’m not even remotely excited given his behavior through text...  -sigh-

That’s probably enough for tonight...

🖤Sam

[samcantdate]

Oh gosh, where to begin...

Well, hello, internet! I’m Sam (not my real name, of course, since I should probably protect my identity in what will certainly be a very exposing blog). I’m in my early 30′s, and still trying to figure out this stupid, fucking dating thing. 

See, here's the thing... My very first ever relationship, which started at 17, lasted 11 years. No, I’m serious... 11 years. Think about that... first dude I ever slept with, ONLY dude I ever slept, only dude to ever be my boyfriend, until I was 28!!

The last few years have been a learning experience, to say the least. And yet? Apparently, I still don't have this shit figured out, lol

I’ve probably gone on 100 first dates since then, even seriously dated someone else for a year and half (we even moved in together!)... And because I’m just not even sure what to do right now, I’m gonna tell the internet about my dating life.

Maybe I’ll learn something, maybe some of you will (if anyone stumbles across this nonsense). Either way, it’s gonna feel amazing to get off my chest!

-Sam