scaredlittlekitten - Tumblr blog

[scaredlittlekitten]

Everything sucks

I cant handle all of this anymore. I started fainting regularly this week, probably from some medication I need to take for a few more days. I fainted on my mother's birthday, I feel so guilty even though she kept telling me I have nothing to feel guilty about.

I spoke to my ex accidentally and that just caused a shit ton of chaos inside my head.

I have this horrible headache that's been lasting for almost 24 hours now

End it all

[scaredlittlekitten]

I had to search back for the post that helped me recently. It sounds like your system is similar, nearly invisible.

https://north-infinity.tumblr.com/post/652148531751256064/i-need-to-learn-to-accept-non-possessive

I would elaborate, but I do not have the capacity at the moment.

Thank you so much for this link (and also sorry for the late response)! Don't feel bad for not being able to elaborate, you've already helped me more than you know!

[scaredlittlekitten]

Coming to terms with my dissociative disorder

I have 5 people in my head.

There's Ana, and I think a lot of my followers are acquainted with their own version of Ana. Ana was the first person, she's been there since I was 11. Ana started out as an ED, but she's turned into an overall critic of mine. She has something to say about everything I do and how I do it. She's mean, but she says she loves me. I guess she's a stereotypic 16 year old.

There's Chantelle. A little 8 year old girl. She's innocent, so fucking innocent. She just wants to play and be around people who love her and take care of her.

There's Lilith. 21 year old badass. She protects me and the other people in my hand. She's rude and distant to anyone who tries to hurt any of us. She can get really scary when shes angry.

Lola, 18 years old. Lola is quiet, she's scared of almost everything. She tries to warn me of all the dangers I can encounter. If I listen too much to her, i dont go anywhere.

And then theres me. 20 years old. I am a combination of all of those people.

Like I said, Ana was the first person besides me. I got the other people a few months into my first relationship. I was being sexually and mentally abused regularly. I didn't know how to handle it. One night, when my (now ex-)boyfriend was raping me, I thought he was going to kill me. Since then I have had these 3 other voices join me. When I was actively addicted to cannabis, they were a lot louder. After quitting drugs, they went silent for a while but lately they've been making themselves known again.

I've been seeing a lot of DID/OSDD content recently. And I think I want to explore the different roles these people in my head have. I don't have DID, on the outside I'm always me. But on the inside it sometimes feels like I'm somebody else. I need to give these people space to talk, so I can learn what they need and when they need it. If anyone has any tips for this, I'd love to hear it

[scaredlittlekitten]

Anxiety causes physical symptoms too

I'm not even talking about the physical symptoms of a panic attack. I am in bed, writhing in pain because the excessive amount of anxiety causes bad joint pains for me. My head feels like it's going to burst from the pain.

[scaredlittlekitten]

I cant handle all of this anymore

[scaredlittlekitten]

ED: you need to be underweight!

Me: why?

ED: because then you’ll have accomplished…something,

Me: what?

ED: …something

[scaredlittlekitten]

Just a reminder:

Feeling invalid and like you’re faking your disorder is PART OF YOUR DISORDER

Wanting to starve yourself but not actually being able to do it is PART OF YOUR DISORDER

Recovery does NOT come easily

Constant binging is PART OF YOUR DISORDER

Being able to eat normally without guilt for periods of time is PART OF YOUR DISORDER

Being able to restrict easily one day and not the other is PART OF YOUR DISORDER

Please treat your minds nicely

[scaredlittlekitten]

I hate being fat but I love having big boobs

[scaredlittlekitten]

The voices in my head are screaming and nothing will shut them up

[scaredlittlekitten]

[scaredlittlekitten]

[scaredlittlekitten]

Why do I always have to be the friend who cheers the rest up?

Seriously, I feel like shit and one of my friends told us she isn't feeling good. My 2 other friends aren't responding to her, I know one of them is online. Why am I always expected to help out?

[scaredlittlekitten]

These last few weeks have been a lot

[scaredlittlekitten]

This

Do you ever feel too ashamed to visit Tumblr cause you ate so much

[scaredlittlekitten]

Holy shit grief is so fucking painful. I need to keep reminding myself you're dead. Every time I remind myself, it's like you died again

[scaredlittlekitten]

I dreamt about you last night

You were smiling, laughing, singing, happy. It hurts me that the only times I will ever see you like that, will be in my dreams

[scaredlittlekitten]

It was your funeral, you're dead and we were there to grieve.

The audacity of the pastor to tell us God wanted you to die that die, the audacity of him to have a big smile on his face the whole fucking time.

Your abuser, telling us it was time for him to take accountability for his sins. I thought that was it, he was going to admit it. But no, he told us Jesus died for his sins. No he didn't, my friend died for your sins.

I respect religion, this is not me bashing Christianity. Hell, I was a Christian for many years. But this type of "Christianity" makes me fucking sick to my stomach. How dare you tell me this was God's plan, how dare you try to comfort me with a bible verse that has no relevance to my friend, how dare you smile on a day like this, how dare you imply we should shave our heads and take off our clothes and beg God to help us. Why would I want the same thing that took my friend, to help me?