stardew-shitposterino

[stardew-shitposterino]

Joker is the scrawny, manic diva he is and that’s just weirdly enticing

I’ve wanted to draw the Joker in a dress ever since I saw this excerpt from the script for ‘Arkham Asylum’ by Grant Morrison:

"Pale and emaciated, he should look simply grotesque, but standing there, hand on out-thrust hip, he project an absolute confidence that comes upon him a bizarre kind of attractiveness and sexuality"

[stardew-shitposterino]

I need this so badly guys. I’ve been working a minimum wage job for a year before getting into uni and I feel that uni is the place of all which teaches me how to grow up despite having worked with women thrice my age lol

so I got into grad school today with my shitty 2.8 gpa and the moral of the story is reblog those good luck posts for the love of god

[stardew-shitposterino]

trying to come up w a Joker design that looks as gay as possible

n sum outfits toooo

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me in five years when i still don’t have my life together:

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Never have I seen anything that actually reflects how I feel during hangouts without being called a weirdo or a pessimist. It’s gotten better because my circle changed but it still persist in some places

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[stardew-shitposterino]

People don’t have to look further than Mr Peanutbutter‘s and Diane’s relationship in Bojack Horseman. The topic in this text is really the only reason they broke up

Love is really dope when you find your person.

[stardew-shitposterino]

All I can say is that I’ve written some utter shit and people loved it, at least I’ve only received positive reviews

why does posting a fic on ao3 as a beginner writer feel like presenting a dish to gordon ramsay but he's simultaneously holding a gun towards your head

[stardew-shitposterino]

Give this man his CRANBERRY SODA NOW

i love this trio man.

.

fun fact: Cranberry Candy is in these three bachelors' like list.

listening to this audio just make me wanna do it

Audio source and ref to: "Life Lessons with Uramichi Oniisan from episode 10"

[stardew-shitposterino]

Stupid cunt dumb stupid moron idiot

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Stardew Valley bara before GTA6

regular ol’ sleeping beauty over here

[stardew-shitposterino]

Is there a chance you’re German by chance, OP? The way how he says „how goes it“ sounds familiar ❤️

I love you and your art so much. In another life I would be a nobleman letting you live in a small cottage on my property to work on your art. ❤️

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I love emily so much she’s so quirky but in a genuine way I love her, especially with Shane like what why does it work

draw emily reacting to shane in his punk/goth look?!

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The woowoo esoteric girl and the cynical alcoholic

Emily and Shane on the profound

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I love the idea of a farmer that’s just as bitter and cunty as Shane is lmfao

Stupid cunt dumb stupid moron idiot

[stardew-shitposterino]

I identify so hard with Sam lmfao

Stardew Valley bachelors - NSFW Headcanons - part I

Alex

Despite what everyone might think, he’s a bit inexperienced.

He only had sex once before—with a girl he met during gridball practice.

It was in the locker room.

He was so nervous and didn’t enjoy it overall, so he decided not to do it again.

He probably feels guilty too because his granny told him he should do it with the person he intends to marry (or at least someone who truly means a lot to him).

So, it will take a while for him to be intimate with you.

But when it happens, it means he really loves you.

You might not get married, but he knows he wants to actually try and fight for your relationship to last as long as possible.

He’s very passionate.

A bit cautious at first, but over time, he becomes a gentle dom.

He LOVES to manhandle you—but always with care.

Loves to pamper you and praise you:

"Fuck, baby, you take me so well..."

Always wants to cuddle afterward.

So, he hates quickies.

"If we don't have time to cuddle, we don't have time to fuck properly, y'know?"

But he’d never admit it out loud.

He just wants to feel loved.

Always carries condoms with him—he ain’t risking a baby until you’re both ready.

Also panics when your period is late.

100% responsible king.

Shane

Oh, boy, let me tell you—this man IS experienced.

Back in his glory days, he had a lot of flings and relationships.

So yes, he knows his way around.

He wasn’t very horny before he met you.

But then you appeared like a beam of light, and suddenly, his life had meaning again.

It also helps that he thinks you’re hot as fuck.

Sex with Shane? Filthy.

He’d dom you hard… if he wasn’t so lazy.

So that being said—ride him, pls.

On the bed, on the couch, on the chair—doesn’t matter.

Get on top of him, and he won’t complain.

His hands still grip your hips, tho, guiding you up and down his cock.

Smokes while having sex.

Sometimes, he gets bored and starts thrusting up into you, your whines only making him go harder as he keeps you in place.

Not a fan of condoms.

"You know what else is 99% safe? My pull-out game."

But if you feel safer with a condom, he won’t tell you no.

Might jokingly complain about it, tho.

"I feel insulted, I really do!"

Secretly likes that he gets to finish inside and not worry.

Lowkey has a breeding kink.

He loves kids a lot and sometimes imagines a mini version of you running around.

But then post-nut clarity hits, and he realizes he can barely take care of himself, so a child is a big no-no.

However… if you’re on the pill and he can safely creampie you?

He’s officially dead and in heaven.

Sam

Before you did it, he told you things so filthy that you thought he was secretly a porn star.

All bark, no bite, though.

This boy? Never touched someone else before.

Probably the main reason he wanted to start a band was because he thought he’d pull.

Very shy at first.

Doesn’t even know where to put his hands.

But he learns fast.

And he wants to practice… a lot.

This boy is horny.

Like… all the time.

It’s not his fault you’re hot and that he wants to die between your thighs.

Obsessed with your body.

Prepare to have him teleport next to you whenever you change your clothes.

Loves to eat you out.

Ride his face, pls.

Tried to dirty talk once…

Cringed so hard he decided never to do it again.

But he likes to make you laugh tho.

Claims he can feel it when he's inside.

Clingy after sex.

He just wants to hold you, nuzzle into your neck, and stay there forever.

Always down for round two (or three.... or four...).

Even if he’s tired, he will try.

Sometimes he gets so into it he forgets to pull out.

(Yes, he panics after.)

[stardew-shitposterino]

Some good soup indeed for anyone who is in need of some saucy headcanons ❤️🥵

Ok, I will try to write some smut here.

Bachelors x female readers.

Today, losing your virginity with the bachelors.

ELLIOT

"Oh my~... Being your first is going to be an honor!"

He will prepare something "because this is a special moment for someone very special." You will have a date night. You will walk on the beach and end up in his cabin. The sound of the waves will help you relax. Expect dinner (made by him), wine, candles, and roses.

He will massage you, give you passionate kisses, and praise you while undressing you... He will insist that you don’t need to feel obligated to do anything. Don’t feel pressured by the atmosphere—it's just candles and flowers. If you want to stop, you will stop. If you want something simpler, you will have something simpler. There are many nights ahead, and he will wait until you are ready. He loves you, and he is doing this to show how much he adores you. Just spending the night together is more than enough.

You will be in a position where he can easily hug you, kiss you, and look into your eyes.

When you are ready, he will enter you and tell you how much he loves you for this and how beautiful you are. If you are in pain, he will stop moving and ask if you are okay. While waiting for your answer, he will remain still until you are ready again.

"You are so perfect! Let me do this to you! I will always remember this night! Are you feeling good too? I love you so, so much!"

When you finish, he will tell you how special it was and that he hopes you feel the same. You will embrace each other and fall asleep to the sound of the waves.

SHANE

"Really? You're kidding me, right?"

He wonders if he actually deserves to be the one to do this! On one hand, he is excited—he has never done it with a virgin before! But on the other hand, he also feels anxious about hurting you... The idea of you trusting him with this puts a lot of pressure on him.

He loves rough sex, but that’s not the best kind of sex for a virgin, and he doesn’t want to scare you. He wants to help you just as much as you have helped him.

He will be extra caring and restrain himself a lot. He won’t move, touch, or do anything without your permission.

He will massage you to help you relax and give you oral sex until you reach your first orgasm with him. If you want to give him oral too, he won’t be against it, but he will remind you that this is about you—your moment—and that his desires are secondary. He will teach you how to do it and be very patient with you. He will caress your face the entire time and praise you for how good you are at this.

You will try many positions until you find one you (and only you) feel comfortable with.

He can’t help but moan while entering you. If he sees you in pain, he will feel guilty and will hug and kiss you to help you relax. If you dig your nails into him, he will see it as fair.

"It's okay, babe, you're doing great. Just... try to relax. I want you to enjoy this! If it's too much... we can stop! I love you, babe, I love you so much!"

Afterward, he will hug you and rub any sore areas to ease the pain while telling you how much he loves you and hoping this was everything you expected.

HARVEY

"Really? Well... This is unexpected!"

He is nervous. Very nervous. He has never done something like this before. But he knows that you are probably more genuinely scared than he is. Just as you help him overcome his fears, he wants to do the same for you and make you feel loved.

He will look up information on how to do it with a virgin (I'm sure they don’t teach that in medical school). However, he knows what medical care you might need in case something goes wrong, so don’t worry—you’re in good hands <3.

You will keep dating as always, and it’s up to you if you want to take things further.

When that moment comes, he will kiss you, hug you, and tell you how much he loves and cares about you—how he wants this to be special for you. He will beg you, please, please, to trust him, assuring you that he will take care of you.

There will be plenty of foreplay, and he will give you lube to make sure you are wet and ready. You will be on top, so you can have more control and hug each other if it becomes overwhelming.

The moment he enters you, he will be watching closely for any signs of pain in your facial expressions or body language.

"I can't believe I'm not dreaming! We can stop now if you want... Do you want to continue? Okay, my dear! I love you! You know that, right?"

After everything, he will ask how you feel—if you enjoyed it, if you feel any pain, if it hurts, if you feel sore... You will need to kiss him to reassure him that you enjoyed it and that you’re okay. He will smile, bring you snacks and water, and take care of you the rest of the night.

SEBASTIAN

"Well... I'm a virgin too... So..."

You know the theory of what to do, but both of you are too nervous. He will definitely smoke before going to bed with you (but don’t worry, he’ll use liters of mouthwash if necessary).

You will be very clumsy—but in a sweet way. At first, you will feel dumb and frustrated. You will touch each other and feel awkward, suck and kiss different body parts, and think it’s all a little dirty and silly. But after a few attempts, you will look at each other’s faces and laugh. It’s weird, but also amusing at the same time.

After that, you will finally relax, take things at your own pace, and start with small steps—like hugging naked, touching each other’s genitals while kissing, or masturbating in front of each other. You will spend hours exploring each other’s bodies, learning what you like and dislike.

You will also take plenty of breaks, only to start another session of touching and exploring. There’s no rush!

You will finally actually do it after three or four days of touching and hugging. In the middle of a session, you will lock eyes and just know that you are both ready. Sebastian will position himself, line up his shaft with you, and push in.

If you feel any pain, he will hug tightly and kiss you.

"This feels so gooood! Are you alright? We can go back to touching and kissing if you want!"

Afterward, you will feel exhausted. He will comment that now he finally understands why people are so obsessed with this. He will kiss you and thank you for trusting him and being with him.

SAM

"Wait, I'm going to be your first?"

This isn’t the first time he’s been with a virgin, so he’s not clueless about what to do. He will tell you that, and while he understands that you don’t want to talk about his ex, he thinks that knowing how it went might help you understand what to expect.

He wants to help you feel less nervous and completely safe with him. He will invite you to take showers with him—not to touch you if you don’t want that, but simply to get you accustomed to seeing him naked and realizing it’s not that weird. But only if you want to—he won’t force you to do anything. Your comfort is his priority.

One night, after a successful concert, you will be alone together. You will start making out—kissing, touching, groping... Sam will suggest finding a more private place. You will find a small room or cabinet and continue making out.

At some point, things will get more intense, and you will start undressing each other. By now, you’re both used to seeing each other naked, but this time, it feels different. This time, you really need more of him, and you will make that clear by grabbing his penis and telling him you want it inside.

He will be surprised by how daring you are, but that’s the trust and comfort you’ve built together. As he enters you, he will be kissing your lips. If you feel pain, he will immediately pull out and ask if you want to continue or stop.

"Awww~~! This feels good! Keep trusting me, baby girl! This is natural! You see? It fits perfectly! You’re doing great!"

After everything, Sam will crack some jokes to make you laugh, helping you realize that this is okay—this is how it’s meant to be, and there’s nothing weird about it. He will hold you tightly while kissing your temple.

ALEX

"Yes! I'm used to being first in everything!" (He immediately cringes at his own joke.)

He acts confident, but deep down, he’s genuinely worried about you.

He will plan a date, very similar to your first one. He’ll pay for dinner and book a place to stay for the night. Yes, that means doing extra hours selling ice cream, but he doesn’t mind. He thinks it’s better to be in a neutral place where you don’t have to worry about farm chores.

He knows he has a hot body, and he worries that you might feel insecure about yours. So, he will praise and kiss every inch of skin you reveal, encouraging you to get more and more comfortable.

Your face is so beautiful—every time he sees it, he falls in love all over again. Your shoulders are so soft he wants to bite them. Your tummy is adorable, and he just wants to kiss it. Your legs are incredibly sexy, and it feels amazing to kiss your thighs. Your breasts feel so good in his hands. And if you let him grope your ass whenever he wants, he’ll feel like the luckiest guy on the planet...

Of course, if you want to touch him too, he’ll let you! He’ll flex and let you feel his muscles, but before long, things will get a lot more daring and you will touch his lower parts.

After a while, you will finally start doing it. He will tell you how much he wants you, constantly praising you for how well you’re doing.

"You’ve got a third of it in—are you okay? Okay, great, I’ll push a little further... Aww~! Okay, now it’s halfway—you’re doing amazing, my love! Oh, you are so sweet! You deserve the world for this!"

Afterward, he will keep praising you—telling you how good you made him feel and how he loves you even more now.