starrytalking

[starrytalking]

My two strong opinions are "I don't think you need a specific label for that" and "If a specific label actually makes it make more sense then by all means go ahead"

[starrytalking]

that night, frog and toad were both happy

[starrytalking]

A friend of mine asked me once how I could tell the difference between experiencing romantic and platonic attraction. I'd like to restate my thoughts here, since I think they could be useful for some people!

First of all, Intensity =/= Romance. Platonic feelings can be just as strong as romantic ones, although the amatonormativity we live in pretends otherwise. Because of that, I used to often wonder if my squishes are actually crushes. Nowadays, I just go through a series of questions and feel much more at peace afterwards!

"Do I have a crush on this person?"

Ask yourself:

Do I want to kiss them?

On the mouth? With tongue?

Do I want them to kiss me?

Do I want to go on dates with them?

Alone? Would I like it more or less in a group setting with other friends?

Do I like the idea of being seen as a "pair?"

Do I want to live with them?

Forever?

Do I want to marry them?

What does an ideal wedding look like, in my head?

Do I like the idea of them confessing to me?

If I have any interest in children, am I interested in raising children alongside them?

Do I want to exchange gifts with them annually on dates like Valentine's and/or an anniversary?

Do I (in general) enjoy traditional romantic gifts like flowers or jewelry?

Would I enjoy receiving those gifts from the person in question?

If they told me they just got a new partner, would I feel negatively about that?

Do I feel that same negativity when other people I'd never be interested in romantically (family members, etc.) announce they have new partners? Or is it just the person in question?

If sex is a romantic thing for me, do I want to have sex with them?

Answering "yes" to a single one of these questions doesn't mean I have a crush. But answering "yes" to many of them would indicate romantic feelings.

For me, this is a relief, because when I apply these questions to my friends and squishes, I typically react with disgust and RESOUNDING "no"s. Kissing, dating, annual gift obligations, marriage, and co-parenting all squick me out and make me recoil.

A lot of aros (especially baby or questioning ones) might also answer "yes" to a hypothetical they haven't experienced themselves, but then change their answer to "no" later. I know I used to think being confessed to would be flattering (even by someone I didn't reciprocate), but now that it's happened to me a few times, I know how awkward and awful it is. Same with kissing; I thought I'd like it because everyone in media likes it, but actually trying it (with girls and boys) has firmly cemented me in the reality that I just hate mouth kissing.

But, I still thought it might be useful for some aros who struggle with their identity due to all the arophobia and amatonormativity trying to make them question their feelings!

(It might also be helpful for someone trying to figure out if they're gay/bi and have a crush on someone, idk)

[starrytalking]

hey don't cry ok? qprs are real and you can have one <2

[starrytalking]

There’s also a thing that people who think they’re being accepting do where they go “Not wanting romance is SO SAD AND LONELY! Not wanting to read romance novels is SEXIST! Not wanting a partner makes you a FREAK! Not having sex with your partner is BAD and ABUSIVE! Not feeling sexual attraction to your partner means there is SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU!… unless you’re aromantic or asexual, of course! Then you get a pass.” The only acceptable reason to deviate from the amatonormative and sexnormative societal norm is to claim an identity label that exempts you. The actual thing you’re doing is still bad… but don’t worry it’s OK for you to do it! It feels like, we haven’t actually challenged any norms at all, you just get a pass on them because you can’t help it, poor thing. If you have the capacity to feel these, you have the obligation to; you are only exempt if you claim an identity that says that you are unable to. It implies that we would if we could, but we can’t, and it’s merely unfair to punish us for our shortcomings. Romance and sex are still social requirements, that hasn’t changed, we just are allowed a pass on it because we are unable to meet them. (And we’re still expected to reassure everyone that of course we recognize that their romance and sex is far more important than anything we will ever be able to have!)

I don’t want aros and aces to get special exemption from the requirement to have romance and sex and romantic attraction and sexual attraction; I want that to not be a requirement for anyone.

[starrytalking]

this is gonna sound so so so weird but i feel like falling in love helped affirm my identity as aromantic. like before this every time i thought someone was cool i was like “oh god am i not aro? oh lord what am i???” and now im realizing that there was no point to that lmfao for further explanation, the definition of aromantic is “experiencing little to no romantic attraction” am i probably more in microlabel territory? yeah. am i gonna use them? no. i quite enjoy just being aro. but im realizing that so far its all been gender envy or admiration 😭 i just find it so interesting how those things can work. like thinking food is alright maybe and “oh i must like this food cuz i hate it less than the others” and then actually finding a food you enjoy and its like “oh! i have a favorite food! still generally not a huge fan tho” thats kinda how i view my romantic orientation. its really a big part of me and how i’ve experienced my life and i love being aro and i love being in love and i feel like they shouldnt be mutually exclusive. obviously not every aro person falls in love and my life doesnt hinge on whether or not im in a romantic relationship. i still have goals and whatnot that are separate from that and i know that people can live fulfilling lives without romance and i want to make that clear but i am so glad i found someone. he’s incredibly important to me and i have no idea how i happened to think i had ever had a crush before because everything pales in comparison to what im feeling. i thought i had some sort of commitment issues for a while cuz i would have “crush” on someone and then if they said they liked me, i would get really confused and disgusted, especially if they made moves to hug or kiss me or hold my hand. but i dont have commitment issues and im not a whore and i dont have a problem settling down and im not a flake out. im just aromantic and i am so glad im aromantic. it is also weird tho because ive never experienced jealousy before?? thought i was maybe polyamorous for a bit cuz i just wouldnt care what my partner(s) or at least not a very jealous person. wooo boy. i think i was wrong about all that. sometimes it makes no sense on why i would even get jealous at all! logic dictates that theres no issue and i shouldnt be upset for any reason at all but lord if im listening to logic then i am a poor listener. its kinda frustrating tbh. i just want to exist and be happy but noooooooo my brain has to be stupid about the people my boyfriend talks to. 🙄

[starrytalking]

Bringing this back.

[starrytalking]

It’s asexuality day!

[starrytalking]

Happy International Asexuality Day!! Shoutout to all of my self-shippers on the asexual spectrum!!! 💜✨

[starrytalking]

Happy International Asexuality Day!!! 🖤🩶🤍💜

[starrytalking]

the aromantic tendency to make all your characters either aro or poly

[starrytalking]

Happy International Asexual Day everybody!!

[starrytalking]

[starrytalking]

being on the aroacespec is weird bc when I told my therapist I liked a girl but would never date her even if she asked, he looked at me like I just confessed to murder

and also how I would crush on girls (when I was younger I also liked dudes sometimes) I'd like them for a little while, but then it'd go away, and I still can never really tell actual romantic attraction from platonic attraction.

IVE GENUINELY ACTUALLY CRUSHED ON SOMEONE 2 TIMES IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.

but then still feeling left out from the aroace community bc I hear abt people who are disgusted by ships, have never crushed before, or how they never get sex/romantic fantasies. this is my curse for being angled aroace and wanting to date without the sex or romance.

PLEASE tell me if there are any aroace people who get me, and who do sometimes (even if rarely) get romantic feelings but never want to date, or want to date in theory but not in real life. even if u do actually want to date!

[starrytalking]

"friends don't act like that" "friends don't look at each other like that" skill issue. I look at my friends like that. I act like that with my friends

[starrytalking]

And that’s all it ever was…

…A MIRAGE

Original artwork inspired by Alice Oseman’s “Loveless,” and the feeling of discovering you’re aspec

A diary entry you could say

[starrytalking]

Yeah, sex is cool (or so I’ve heard) but did you ever lay on the veranda of a cabin almost in the middle of nowhere, next to one of your best friends, staring up at the night sky to the constantly moving northern lights right above you?