stephandreeaa

[stephandreeaa]

[stephandreeaa]

[stephandreeaa]

Super pretty bud

[stephandreeaa]

The Shitty Part

   The shitty part about how we ended things is that you have no remorse for everything you did to me. I learned to find peace with my past and everything that we were are just a unclear memory in my mind. I had to go forward with life even though you will never have the courage to apologize to me. I have nothing to apologize about, I did everything I could to love you and you just drove me to the end. The question I ask is to myself; how could I let things get so bad the way they did. Did it really have to get to the point that I had to be arrested in order for you to leave my life? I could’ve really prevented it. I’m not putting the blame upon myself either, because I was in love. Your love hypnotized me. I thought no man was ever going to love me because, I felt like I was the ugliest person in my class. I wasn’t. I’m only 19, I turn 20 next month. I get hit on at a lot of places by many different men and even women at times. I have been seeing the beauty I portray and I am happy with who I am especially that I work very hard on my body. I think the thing I got from this horrible toxic relationship was what you would tell me all the time I had to do; I had to learn to love who I was. And I did, only after you destroyed who I was.

But, guess what?

I found love again.  

[stephandreeaa]

Let me tell you..

Let me tell you why I fell in love with you. You care for others. You want to help others. You helped me with my anxiety and depression. I don't know how to thank you enough. I'm a liar. I know. I have lied to you a thousand times. You hated me and then you loved me. You wanted to be with me again and then you went to go have sex with another girl. I know I'm a handful but, did you really have to do that to me? You don't know how many times you broke me. You made me cry tear after tear. And I still love you. I love you because, at one point you made me the happiest I could ever be. I love you because, I know who you really are. I know you more than you know yourself. I want to let you go but, something make me not want too. Everyone tells me I deserve way better but, no one sees you the way I see you in my eyes. It sucks. All of this sucks. I want to go back. And be happy again with you..

[stephandreeaa]

Finally.

He finally texted me. We had a huge argument about us and our families. I put him down by what people have said to me. I felt so bad after. He tried finding a new girlfriend but, he says that it doesn't feel right because, he is not healed all the way. I feel like maybe he still loves me. I don't know. All I know is right now, I want to be alone. I don't want to distract myself with a man I don't need because, I have goals to achieve. I want to buy a house and a new car. Buy more chow chows. Make myself happy before making anyone else happy. He can still find another girlfriend, I don't mind. Ok, maybe I do but, I have to get over it. I guess he's my friend. But, I want this arguing to stop before it gets hazardous to me. I care for him. Do I love him? Maybe so. But, you know if he's my true love, it will come back right? ....... Right?

[stephandreeaa]

At least..

I at least text him once a day. Just to show that I care. To show that he is not alone and that I'm still his best friend. He reads my messages. I'm happy for that. I'm still here because, despite through all of our problems, I still care for him. I'm secretly still his best friend.

[stephandreeaa]

What is helping me..

You know, it’s hard after a break up. Especially, from a toxic one. But, one thing you have to do is distract yourself. Being alone and not doing anything will make you think more. Going out on dates is kind of immature to do because, you have to fix yourself in order to be with a new partner. You will be talking to another person and they are going to feel like you are just using them as a rebound or someone to vent too. No, try going out and doing things that will make you feel better. To some, going to the gym is one. You’re able to release stress and anger by sweating it out. For me personally, I love going on hikes. Walks with my dog and spend time with my family. I’m going to start yoga and erotic dance classes soon because, it’s something that makes me feel better about myself. Look at your pros and cons. What makes you a good person and what makes you a bad one. Analyze yourself. Question yourself. Are you ready for someone new? Are you better off alone? Do you still need to get your life together? Or are you ready to be committed? Don’t play with someone’s emotions if you are not ready for them. Don’t use people.

[stephandreeaa]

I'm learning.

I'm learning to be without him. To be happy and not worry so much. To mature and get my life together. I don't worry because, if he is my true love like I think he is, he will come back even as my friend. If not, I hope the next guy is a good guy like he was. I just hope he would talk to me one day.. As my best friend. 😊

[stephandreeaa]

I miss him.

I miss him. Everything I do, I always think of him. Is he okay? Is he sleeping? Did he go on a date? Is he really mad at me? How much does he hate me? I want him to be my friend. He was my best friend and the person I told everything too. I wanted to grow old with him like he promised me. But, I hope one day I'll get a text back. This has been a horrible holiday.

[stephandreeaa]

The HoneyMoon Stage.

Ok, I don’t know how many people are actually going to read this but, I’m going to use it almost like a diary or a away to vent out my feelings and thoughts. So, January 27th I met this guy. He was really hairy and kind of not so attractive to me but, I don’t know what came over me to give him a shot. Maybe, I was kind of feeling lonely based on the fact that I was trying to get with another guy who never really liked me. Anyways, he wanted to meet me so, you know, I ended up inviting him over to my house. At first, it was so awkward that I was pretending to fall asleep on him because, the conversation was boring. I never knew this day was going to be the start of a whole relationship. Turns out that I had a lot in common with him. We liked the outdoors, we played instruments and loved the same shows and movies, etc. He got a haircut so, little by little I start finding him attractive. The first “date” was us going to the local car races and it was there when he first introduced me as his girlfriend. The day he fell in love with me was Valentine’s Day. My dad and I took him shooting and he said he instantly fell in love when I had the gun in my hand. I fell in love with him the day I got my wisdom teeth pulled out. In those moments, everything felt so right. Like the universe was combining all the pieces. My heart was full of love for him and I would’ve done anything for him. The first thing I messed on was, the relationship with his parents. My parents went to Guatemala for 2 weeks and I begged him to stay the night at my house. Huge mistake. His mom ended up calling me in a very bad mood telling me she wanted to speak with my parents. She never did, Thank God. Our relationship went good for months, full of love and we were inseparable. We had arguments of course, like any other arguments but, we were always able to brush it off. I decided to spoil him for his birthday so, I worked my butt off for some money and bought us tickets to six flags with the condition that he would pay for the hotel. We went and it was amazing. Everything felt so right. He smile getting on the rides made me so happy. We got back home and I don't know, after that it was starting to go downhill. I was lying to him and everything. Almost everything. I was scared to show him the real me. I wanted him to love the person He thought I was. I kept lying and lying. I couldn't stop. I was scared he would get mad and leave me forever. I kept stretching the truth to the point that he had no trust in me. At all. Even when I was telling the truth. If I could go back and not lie to him then, I would. I started swearing on this life because, I started telling him the truth about everything. About who I really am. We started to get into arguments, constantly. Everyone said it was because, we spend too much time together. Everyone said because, we were too immature. We ended up trying to be friends but, both of us would get very jealous. Especially me. I felt my heart shatter every time I would hear his phone vibrate knowing it was a girl who has his attention and is probably my replacement. I try committing suicide, twice. And he was always there to protect me. To make sure it wasn't going to happen. I ended up putting him endanger than myself. I wish I can go back and not hurt him like I have. I would be in the hospital writing letters to him or calling him on the phone. I missed him so much when I was in there. But, I would leave full of hope that I was going to get better. That the anxiety wasn't going to drive me to that point again. It didn't. I promised him it wouldn't. I got better for him. In December, we just kept arguing and arguing. I feel like it was all my fault. I cared for him more than my own family. I showed him love and compassion. I try giving him everything I had; even money. He didn't know what he wanted. He didn't know if he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. He was confused. He couldn't trust me anymore. The last argument we had, I ended up cutting myself because, I felt so sorry for arguing but, I couldn't help myself. I had make the pain leave somehow. The pain I felt in my heart. I would cry constantly. Constantly. So, ended up my dad being done with it. He said enough was enough. He went to go talk to his dad to leave me alone and to not talk to him or he would end up hurting him. I wish he didn't do it. This relationship ended up so toxic. We were toxic too each other. We need to grow up. We need to mature. But, we can't mature together. We have to do it on our own. I love him, that wasn't a lie. I still do. But, like they say if it's true love, it will come back no matter what obstacle there is. I miss him. I miss talking to him even as a friend. I wish he would talk to me but, his dad and my dad said otherwise. We need to get over each other. But, how? I found my soulmate. But, now he's gone. Our honeymoon stage was over.

[stephandreeaa]

Sleeping with Sirens

[stephandreeaa]

[stephandreeaa]

It’s called the American dream because you have to be asleep to believe it.

George Carlin. (via lateralus2)

[stephandreeaa]

Tyler, the Creator Quote 

[stephandreeaa]

君じゃなきゃダメなんだ。

It’s not okay if it’s not you. (via onegai-sensei)