stephspeakseasy - Tumblr blog

[stephspeakseasy]

DAAAANNNGGGG

I thought about making a post on Facebook asking if anyone else had wayyyy crazy anxiety today because mine was through the roof! I understand a lot of today's load was situational but I also understand that days like today, where I feel like I could spontaneously projectile vomit from the ball of nerves in my stomach… This is not normal. This is actually a problem. I had to take my panic relief essential oils, eat half a gummy, and smoke before I could sit down and ask myself this question. If I had to explain this feeling to someone who doesn't suffer from anxiety, how would I describe it? I use the "projectile vomit" and "the night before the first day of school" examples a lot. but today I realized…it's like STAGE FRIGHT! oh. my. God, I'm suffering from stage fright. stage fright of LIFE. Anyone who has done any public speaking or performance knows exactly what I mean. those butterflies that pass your tummy and fly all over your body right before you step out onto the stage. and you have practiced and studied and dedicated countless hours and brain power to prepare for this moment..you know you can kill it…but will you? what if you mess up? forget your lines, or worse, trip! what if you totally blow it, and make a total goof of yourself? That is what I'm feeling. I don't want to feel like this. I'm so tired of feeling like this! so nervous inside; like bro chill. I don't want to keep feeling like something bad is gonna happen when everything is going fine! I'm doing great! What am I so nervous about? yes, financially I'm not stable yet but with this new career, I will be, very soon. less than 90 days even. even now while I'm unemployed I have a beautiful family that has helped us in every way. I know my dad has helped me so much throughout the years, especially this last year in recovery and pregnancy. I know that his money from the government is not enough to support him through retirement. it's not enough for anybody to live on their own with the way things are right now, so he's still working every day. He is also in stage 3 liver disease. I love my father. I want to be able to take care of him. I love my mother. I want to be able to do all I can for her because she has done all she can for us our whole lives. THAT is the truth. I want my daughter to have everything good this world has to offer. I want her to be safe, comfortable, happy with life, always learning about everything, free to discover her destiny and journey towards it, never lacking anything, and fully equipped to achieve great heights. I want to be able to do all I can for all my loved ones…and even more than that…I want to do all I can for myself. I want to allow myself to reach a divine destiny, fulfilling my life's purpose, take full responsibility for the space that I hold here on this planet as a conscious human being, and do my best to honor The Most High in my dedication to sharing His light. How wonderful it would be to die knowing that you have done your best in every way you could in this life, lying in the comfort of knowing whatever reason it was that you lived this life at all, is now complete.

I'm making new affirmations tonight. because I need them. I am not afraid of life. I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. I am very smart and have many talents. God calls me his Masterpiece. I am fully capable of achieving God's purpose for my life. I am moving forward. God is with me.

[stephspeakseasy]

I'm trying so hard not to scream at the top of my lungs, and yet I'm almost positive that if I did, I might feel better. I was diagnosed with PTSD, depression, and anxiety at age 16. I will be 32 this year. Over the years, I have dedicated much time to self-improvement and personal development. I wanted to help myself any way I could. I learned how to meditate and came to understand that healing is a journey and not a destination. I am proud to say that I have grown internally in such a way that I no longer suffer from depression as before, and I haven't for a few years. Not in the way I used to, anyway. I might have an episode every now and again, but it's situational, not chronic. If I'm feeling blue, there is a reason now and I'm thankful for that growth. My anxiety, however, has progressively gotten worse over the years. It has officially earned the chronic title. I know that I'm still in the postpartum stage. I know that being a new mom warranted a new level of anxiety, like it does for all moms. I know that I have to take it easy on myself, and at the same time, I know that I am my own worst critic. My self-critical voice very rarely shuts the hell up. I know that I am trying my absolute best to be the best I can be in every aspect of life. I know that I am a great mother simply because I'm giving it my best shot 24/7 365. There are some aspects of my situation that I know will get better with time, though I can't say that things don't happen overnight because I have seen otherwise. I know that I can't expect that kind of miraculous overnight progression to be consistent. That is not the reality of life. Most things take time. As a full time single mother, unemployed and currently without a vehicle, to say I'm stressed is a major understatement. I'm not stressed, I'm freaking the fuck out sis. Period. With that being said, let me go ahead and list what has been helping me deal with this pressure. Positive reinforcement is a must-have, must do necessity. My hope is that anyone who reads this post and can relate will find some hope in the fact that you are not alone in your suffering. I feel you. I get it. It's okay. We're going to make it, baby, I promise. Like our favorite cartoon fish Dory says, “Just keep swimming, what do we do? We swim, swim." I encourage you to also make a list It does not have to be long, it just has to be real. Honest. Here is mine: 1. My loving family, especially my younger brother and my dad. They have been helping me so much. 2. breathing deep, in through my nose and out through my mouth. I do it for as long as I need to until I start feeling better. 3. expression. Writing is literally one of the biggest blessings of my life because on so many levels it's therapeutic to me, and I hope it's that way for those who read my content as well. Not a writer? Draw, paint, journal, dance, or…stick your face in that pillow and scream, babe! 4. Prayer. I talk to the ultimate power of the universe on a regular basis. Sometimes, just speaking to God is enough to calm my nerves, and give me a glimpse of hope that goes beyond my current situation. 5. Drinking more water and being more physically active. Going for a brisk walk when super overwhelmed is one of my first go-to options for stress management. 6. Asking for help when I really need it. This one took me the longest to learn, but when you have at least one person in your life who is willing to help you just because they care for you, let them help. I promise, it's worth it. Thank you for reading the content of my heart and brain. Remember, you are loved. You deserve great things. The sun still shines behind the rain clouds. You are not alone. Love always, Steph

[stephspeakseasy]

I saw Jesus

The moment happened back in about 2015. I say moment because that's literally what it was. I had been married for about 2 years. We lived in a 2 bedroom house in Seminole, and we had a roommate named Tyler. At the time, me and my ex husband were at an all time low in our marriage. The difficulties in our marriage had brought me to a deep state of depression, we couldn't properly communicate, and the entire aura of our life together grew dark. One late night, after a long day of arguments and awkward silences, Tyler suggested we hit the beach for some "good for your soul" time. best. idea. ever.  We drove down park blvd and hit the beachline and I was praying the whole time we were in the car. I was asking God to meet me at the beach, like a date. I needed to know that he was still close to me even in the midst of such darkness in my life. I was feeling so incredibly unloved in my marriage, and the toxicity was so bad it was messing with my mind. I had zero hope, and I just wanted all of that to go away. I wanted to be in His presence even if I wasn't in a church. For the sake of my soul and my mind, I needed Him...really bad and right away.  It was a full moon that night with clear skies, so even though it was late at night, the sky was bright and it was easy to see. When we got to the sand, we split ways. The boys walked to the left and I walked to the right. I had my head down watching my steps in the sand as I got closer to the water. A little more than halfway to the water I heard my inner voice say, "look up". I did. I saw Jesus standing in the water, a little more than ankle deep. He was wearing white and red. His arms were at his sides, but the palms of his hands were facing me. At the same moment that my eyes landed on him, my spirit JUMPED inside of me and felt like a jolt of adrenaline. I have only ever had that same feeling once before, during a dream about the rapture. (I've had over 5 in my life and I remember them all) My heart was RACING in my chest, a real internal TREMBLING! and in my mind I was thinking "Did I really just see HIM?" "Did that really just happen?". It took me a few moments to gain the courage to look up again, but finally I did. That moment was all I needed though. I knew what I had seen. I was so insanely impressed with his connection and concern with little ol' me that I worship danced for over an hour  right there in the sand. Like bro, the God of the universe does not just hear me, but LOVES me. He wants to be with me up close and personal! He actually really freaking cares about me and all my pains, more than I'll ever understand. That moment changed my life forever, and I will definitely never forget it. remembering it honestly makes me sad that i didn't dedicate my life more to him after that, like i should have.  Anyway, I have had many supernatural experiences in my life and THAT is the reason why I believe in Christ. I have witnessed what just His name can do when demons attack, and for that I will always know him as the One True God.

Thank you for reading! I hope my experience blesses YOU too.

[stephspeakseasy]

heartbreak poetry

Almost two years of wasted time. It still blows my mind, how you could switch up on me so quick like this whole thing was a lie. There's no way that you could love me and yet move how you do. I really thought that shit was real when you said, "I love you". Now the only thing that's real is that I played the fool. You played the game so heavy so I couldn't see the truth. I invested my whole life, but you only care about you. I wish I never told my daughter she can call you daddy too, And no, you couldn't come back home... Cuz she's way too much to lose. You made your full choice before I told you to choose. You could be home with us or on the streets running loose. But like a dog with no collar, it's impossible to get that dog to come home, unless its loyal to you. Can't lie I shed a few tears. Came face to face with the fear, that I will be alone forever 'cuz this love shit is weird. It always hurts me in the end. There's no such thing now as trust. Its fake love for selfish intentions mixed in with lust. The disrespect is too thick. Wish I could empty two clips. But I'll stick to my voodoo dolls, got one for you and for your new bitch! You thought you was too slick. Fed me bad lies and good dick. We went way south a bit too quick but I can't even trip shit. I can't say that I didn't see this coming. All my life yes, I've been running. Away from hurt like this, but still, it hurts like this. Now I can't even ask you for dick, 'cuz I'm too afraid to get sick! Like really though! Why do we get caught up on these trash ass dudes? The types to make this boss bitch feel like she's bitch number two. Bet it on everything and you see it, you know that it's true, there will never be another me... to be this good to you.