stuffedupandfedup

[stuffedupandfedup]

That feeling when

your period is like a day late and you think to yourself it’s either a pregnancy or the menopause but then you remember you’re a 20-year-old virgin so your period is probably just being a jerk as usual

[stuffedupandfedup]

Random Thought:

so my mom’s on the phone with my dad and she just walked into the bathroom and kept talking to him while she was going and it just made me think “man, I’d love to be that intimate and chill with someone someday” whether it’s with a close friend or a future husband idk i just think that would be nice, ya know?

to sum up: i hope i can find someone i don’t mind still talking to while i use the restroom

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The Food Equivalent of Water

2 of ‘em. Cucumber and green bell peppers. That is all

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What’s the food equivalent of water?

I don’t mean ice, I mean something to eat that isn’t acidic or salty or crunchy that won’t leave the roof of my mouth shredded, ya feel?

[stuffedupandfedup]

How was my Christmas Break?

I know this will be THE QUESTION when I get back to school over the next couple of days, and I’ll most likely answer with the small talk responses (”Good”, “Really nice”, “I got a lot of sleep”, etc.), but I thought I’d take the opportunity to say how it really was on this anonymous site??? (yay for being vulnerable to strangers!)

Okay, on the outside my break was great. I spent a lot of time with both sides of my extended family, and a lot of time with my high school friends, which hasn’t happened in forever. I worked the winter break program at the daycare service I worked at over the summer, a job that I really enjoy, even if it’s super hard and frustrating sometimes. I didn’t have work this past week, so I’ve been able to sleep in until noon and just chill.

But my depression and anxiety were going at it constantly in my head. I couldn’t really rest because my anxiety kept telling me I had to do things, but every time I tried to do things my depression would be like “What’s the point? You’re just going to be a disappointment anyway...” and I wouldn’t do whatever the thing was and my anxiety would flip out and I would tense up and shut up and--

yeah, it was just exhausting to put on a happy face and do the whole Small Talk: Holiday Edition thing while that was going on.

When Dep and Anny (what I’ll be calling my depression and anxiety from now on) did actually stop bothering me for a minute, I would almost have a good time, but I ended up feeling isolated and tingly and weird anyway because I would suddenly be aware of the fact everyone I was talking to or hanging with probably didn’t have a screaming and crying match going on in their head 24/7. I couldn’t even enjoy when my head was quiet because my brain and body would still be in High Alert mode, ready for the screaming and crying to come back any second.

My parents have known about Dep since May, but we still haven’t talked about it because they have three other kids and I don’t like to burden them and feel like I still need to be their happy, weird little girl. They’ve heard me mention Anny a little these past few weeks, but I haven’t told them about her yet. I know we need to sit down and talk, but I don’t know if I can gather enough strength to be able to physically do that.

There’s a book one of my mentors and a ton of my friends at school have read called Uninvited that I know I NEED TO READ but even with three weeks of free time I still couldn’t pick it up. : | Thanks, Dep. You’re a gem.

So how was my Christmas break?

Pretty much exactly the same as the last two years have been, just with a lot more free-time to freak out internally.

[stuffedupandfedup]

I’ve never done this before...

I just walked away from my family for the first time.

I’m home for the holidays right now (Merry Christmas, by the way) and my parents are hosting my dad’s side of the family’s Christmas get-together. So I’m sitting in the living room, being swallowed by the comfiest couch in the world, surrounded by my grandparents, my parents, my dad’s sister and her husband, and two out of my three sisters, and a football game is on, muted so we can all just watch it and chill, when I was suddenly aware that I didn’t want to be there anymore.

But, like, VERY aware. My stomach was queasy, and my head felt fuzzy, and I just felt all-around weird and distant. Everyone was having conversations around me or over me and I was just... there. 

I’d forgotten how much worse it felt to feel numb around my family than around my friends or my classmates or professors. I tried to distract myself by scrolling through Pinterest on my phone, but that seemed too rude. 

As I mentioned earlier, two of my three sisters were there at that point, since my youngest sister is comfortable enough in her introversion to tell our parents when she’s done with people for the day and retreat to her room. I knew that was an option, but I’d never taken advantage of that option before.

That is, before today. I sidled up to my mom while she was washing the dishes and awkwardly muttered over her shoulder “I’m going to bow out for now,” and she just kinda said “Okay.” My chest felt tight with guilt as I shuffled quickly upstairs to write the first two paragraphs of this post.

I made my way downstairs 10 minutes later when I heard my relatives getting ready to leave. I hugged them all (though not as tightly as I used to) and wished them Merry Christmas and safe travels on the slick roads and they were gone. I helped my family clean up for a few minutes, and went back to my room.

So, yeah, for anyone else who experiences anxiety and/or depression around their family, during the holidays, or just in general: you’re not alone, and it’s okay to step away from the festivities for a minute to recollect yourself.

For those who’ve had anxiety and/or depression for longer than I have (two years), do you all have any tips for us newbies for getting through the holidays? I’m still new to this and would love some wisdom for future festivities.

[stuffedupandfedup]

Maybe I should introduce myself?

I didn’t want to do an intro post. I wanted to just roll into a rhythm of sharing funny moments or serious thoughts, but I realized most of those posts would be confusing if there wasn’t some base of knowledge about me floating out on the Internet somewhere, so here’s an intro post that should have been a thing quite a while ago:

-I’m the oldest of 4 girls

-I’m an introvert with little-to-no people skills, but I know how to fake it

-I’m also an intuitive feeler, so I know how to navigate humans? I know this contradicts the last point, just roll with it

-I’m in college. I have mixed feelings about that

-I process my emotions by consuming stories

-I’m a storyteller, however that plays out. I write poems, short stories, play scripts and screenplays, draw... all that jazz

-I’m a huge musical fan, but am too broke for Broadway

-I’m addicted to Pinterest

-I’m a hopeless romantic

-My humor is almost nothing but sarcasm, dad jokes, and self-deprecation, with a bad pun or two thrown in for good measure

-I feel like I’m 19 going on 90

-My URL is still very applicable to my default mode

I’ll try to post more often than every two years. I’m in my head a lot so getting some of my thoughts out in front of me will be nice.

See you soon!

[stuffedupandfedup]

Views on Crowds as Book Titles

Extroverts: Party! Introverts: Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

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List of Fandoms (no particular order)

1-Percy Jackson/ Heroes of Olympus 2-Harry Potter 3-Doctor Who 4-Sherlock 5-Supernatural 6-The Sisters Grimm 7-Disney 8-Pixar 9-Gravity Falls 10-Marvel If I forgot any (it's definitely possible), I'll send out a sequel to this post.

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That horrible feeling when you spend three hours in a bookstore and you don't have any money.

[stuffedupandfedup]

I love it! Sisters Grimm is my favorite series!

Late night fluffy sketch that’s supposed to be be puck and sabrina.