syschotic

[syschotic]

this one's a doozy! warning im bout to be real fucking negative... anyways gotta vent

i wanted to make some positive changes in my life, so i decided to get on medicine that should a) lessen my period cramps and b) help the dysphoria male leaning parts feel when we have our period.

and now. ive been having my period for a full calendar month, yeah you heard that right. i have lost so much fucking blood and i am constantly in a state of fatigue. im dizzy, lightheaded, my bones ache and even after a full night's rest i feel like im about to pass out the moment i get out. i don't have motivation to do anything, im so fucking bored but I just can't do anything, I haven't drawn in so long and i want to but I just can't. im LYING DOWN. i have been LYING DOWN for the past hour and my body is so fucking tired, WHAT DID I DO IM LYING DOWN???

oh and if all the physical shit wasn't bad enough my hormones are FUCKED right now. absolutely fucked. i am so incredibly depressed, upset, irritated, whatever the fuck i don't have any control over any of emotions. it's really messing with my sense of reality and just making me feel like im not real.

i feel like im in hell genuinely. this is the worst thing i have ever experienced and i just want to start sobbing and begging for it to end but i can't even do that, im too tired to cry.

[syschotic]

tw // self harm mention

my thighs are permanently scarred from years and years of sh. but no. because i believe in digital self harm i obviously! never have struggled with genuine sh!! /s

it's like, they want me to send them my scars??? weird as fuck ngl

[syschotic]

guys i am on week 4 of my period i am starting to think that maybe my medication is not doing it's job....

GET ME OUTTT THIS IS HORMONAL HELLL!!!!

[syschotic]

it's time for a little storytime i think.

being mentally ill and on the internet is not a good combination at all, i have been on the internet since i was about 13 and time and time again my mental illness has crept in and played a part in my experiences.

there was a time on twitter when I was about 14 i had a massive breakdown and all my favorite mutuals blocked me. i don't remember what that was even about. then i had an irl friend group i met from mutual connections on tiktok when i was 18, unfortunately i had a lot of problems with over drinking at that time and ended up saying shit i shouldn't have and then there was another group of friends who ended up blocking me! another time i created a discord server and a community... you'll never guess how that ended, that's right! i got kicked out and blocked after a mental breakdown. then on my old tumblr blog pre system discovery i had yet another breakdown and got blocked by mutuals.

the point is, if you're mentally ill and on the internet you're bound to fuck up. some of us will fuck up again and again (i know i did) the important thing is you grow from those experiences. i don't judge anyone for their past mistakes if i have reason to believe they have grown from them, if i did judge them then i would be a hypocrite and I hate hypocrites.

[syschotic]

"i think empathy is important"

THAT'S ABLEIST AGAINST PEOPLE WITHOUT EMPATHY!!!!!

"i don't have empathy though"

BUT IT'S ABLEIST!!!!

"cognitive empathy is something people without empathy can have. this is what i have. empathy is still important for those who don't have empathy"

YOU'RE ABLEIST AGAINST PEOPLE WHO DON'T HAVE EMPATHY!!!

i.. sysblr is weird.

[syschotic]

fun fact. the way my autism impacts my ability to feel empathy and guilt is so severe i self suspected i had aspd for like 3 years.

[syschotic]

autistic mfers CANNOT exist online without their words being misunderstood Jesus Christ.

is it such a foreign concept to ask when you are confused??? do you really have to jump to conclusions and make up your own reality every time?? god damn.

[syschotic]

it's really sad that those who spout shit about "anti-recovery" have really no fucking clue about what harm reduction is and the concept of doing something with minimal harm instead of something very harmful.

i am 18 months sober from alcohol. i am a year clean of sh. sure maybe some of the things i do to function with my system worsen my dissociation. but tell me- what's more harmful, the chance my dissociation gets worse? or having literal spots on my brain from excessive amounts of drinking?

i think it's time we as a community shut the fuck up about what other people do in their recovery.

i don't wanna hear any dumb mfer tell me im damaging myself by letting introjects be source connected when i got into dangerous situations daily when i drank heavily. "oh but it's bad for you to do that!!!!" cunt i found myself in a CRACK den one time, do you think that even begins to compare?

im clean n sober. no matter how i choose to deal with my did - i am a million times more recovered than i was during my addiction. and i think more people in the community need to wake the fuck up and realise some of us have bigger problems to deal with than dumb syscourse.

[syschotic]

what ratinacoat was suggesting was literally to alienate yourself from the internet due to fear and saying that is a GOOD thing. because those people on those sites will take everything from you, every post you are comfortable with they will twist until it's something you're uncomfortable with. they will make up lie after lie.

imagine if we supported victims!!! must be an insane concept to ratinacoat lol.

i really hate hypocrisy, there is nothing that bothers me more. especially when talking about genuine issues if you are hypocritical it changes everything. it shows that you don't actually care about the issue in question you only care when it relates to you personally.

user @/ratinacoat has been talking extensively about the problems in the system community - and making very valid points i might add. but the problem is the user in question is very buddy buddy with known syscringe posters. and i don't get it, like at all, how can you in good conscience talk about issues that surround the online did community when you support fakeclaimers? you know people that are OBJECTIVELY harming the system community?

yes, you can be friends with people who have different views than you. anti endos and pro endo's can be friends but someone who is doing active harm to the community goes beyond their discourse stance - the bottom line is you are contributing to the harm in the system community, by not discouraging that behavior or calling it out you are demonstrating that you support it.

you shouldn't be supporting issues just when they're affecting you. you should support issues because they're unfair and every single person deserves kindness and to feel supported. it's a genuine shame when i see hypocrisy like this, because i really agree with the issues in question and these are things that need to be talked about! but when you're hypocritical everything you are talking about is completely null and void.

[syschotic]

today is a really fucking hard day.

to combat the amnesia i deal with on a daily basis i store my memories in dates, people and objects. it's helpful but also hindering when it comes to memories id rather forget.

which brings me to today.

one year since i lost my mind, made a fool of myself publicly and got locked up in a psych ward.

today is a really fucking hard day.

[syschotic]

there's a sense of comfort in sadness, having your life defined by the blue that you feel makes you just want to hold those close who feel blue too.

it's okay to feel sad, it's okay to feel blue, but let's hold each other tight and feel blue together.

[syschotic]

system culture is making a sideblog for our subsystem and thinking.. hmm thought there was one more... then shrugging it off and making all the introductions

and it turns out there was one more but they were newish and werent on the list we looked at. oops im sorry lunnie you can make your intro tomorrow :(

[syschotic]

public psych wards aren't perfect, not by any means, but there's a sense of unity i really miss from those places.

we were open about having did from the moment we stepped in, most people there didn't even know what did was and yet they were so accommodating and accepting.

everyone there had their own issues, and they were free from judgement of others. we had a lot of friends in there, of all different ages with different stories.

when you're at rock bottom and there's others also at rock bottom there's this sweet sense of unitedness and it's something I haven't stopped missing since.

[syschotic]

The (Perform)ance of a (Life)Time

oh would you look at that large crowd

their pure anticipation for little old me

ive done this act since ive opened my eyes

this routine is my mother, this performance is where i came from

i do the same steps since 7 years old and face my adoring audience

this hurts IT HURTS i don't want to this

i kick and scream this wasn't part of the plan

the people gasp in awe and then they applaud

I strip my costume THIS ISNT A FUCKING ACT

whispers murmurs through the crowd

"wow isn't she incredible? she's so entertaining"

im crying now im screaming im clawing at my arms until I draw blood

the applauding only gets louder my ears will bleed from the noise

I can't no fucking more stop it

Crawling into a ball my tears stain my cheeks red

"I want to see what's she going to next?"

this is about how mental health issues are like a "show" to some neurotypical people and crying out for help is only more entertainment from them. with those kind of people you can't ever break free from the shackles.

[syschotic]

our home away from home. the grass may be greener on the other side but the thatch on this side is comforting to me. a side blog for the negative side of things, because without rain there is no sun and without dark there is no light.

don't you think ive fucking tried? to mend the wounds i have inside? - baby bugs (diseased)

previously run by a side system, now used by the entire system.

this blog is a safe space for all those who have experienced psychosis, delusions, and anyone who is considered "crazy" it's time to accept who you are and be the truest version of yourself - flaws and all.

i am plura, we are plura. we are a did system who experience psychotic symptoms, as well as many adverse reactions to the trauma we once faced. there shouldn't be stigma associated with mental illness and this is our dedicated void we scream to.

if you are someone who supports mental illness but freaks out when someone shows the symptoms of the disorder i suggest you DNI :)

[syschotic]

My name is Alice. She/bun please.

I'm not in the same subsystem as the others, though I tend to visit often they understand me a lot and I like that.

Let's cut right to the chase, I've experienced psychosis and it was horrifying and brilliant and sickening all messed up into a disorientating blur. I reaaallly really like Alice in Wonderland and I'm quite like her.

It's funny because during psychosis I was really so scared and now that I'm out of it it's all I can think about, mind altering substances, experiences that make me doubt my own existence I want it all. I love making rhymes and wordplay and speaking in a language that doesn't exist. I love circus and clowns, bright lights and what's past the ordinary. I love being crazy and I love being free.

oh alice, how did you ever escape wonderland my reality spirals and time is in reverse what's happened to my mind, have I lost it once more?shall tomorrow again be yesterday's today?

for now i float down the salty sea of my tears ceasily only to dine with the mad hatter at 6 long forgotten, is the realm of my sanity for that's how it goes once you reach wonderland

the language in my mind is one I can't transcribe my hand to my mouth, awaiting the spiralling to cease. what disquietude will come from my unsound mind

my timepiece displays a twinkling hour I'm searching for a white rabbit, have you seen him?accompy hastily, for the hysteria is upon us

mea anima voluntas vos lacrima seorsum

I love writing poetry too! There's no rules in poetry and I can be as nonsensical as I like, above is one I wrote in active psychosis.

I'll come here whenever I want to share my thoughts, my poetry or just be a little silly. My sign off will be #🎪

[syschotic]

Hiiii 🤍 I'm White!!! I go by She/Her

I'm a fictional introject of White Diamond from Steven Universe. I formed due to our OCPD tendencies and that we needed another holder for the perfectionism that was ripping us apart.

I'm completely perfect and always right, and if you ever disagree I'll find a way to change your mind. I have a serious need for total control and sometimes wish I could make everyone on earth dance with my puppeteer strings. Sadly I cannot do that and instead I need to accept that humans are ultimately flawed beings, though I am not flawed.

I can be quite selfish and I cannot lie my dream of a world of mini-me's may be a little alarming. But alas it is just a dream. I do love Steven Universe a lot and Hina is starting to become a dear friend of mine. Other than that I don't have any interests as of yet and interests that others hold in the system seem strange and otherworldly to me. However I am keen to learn.

Well ~ Toodles!! My sign off on this blog will be #perfect-white