#//majorly coping here miss girl!!!! | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

byunbaekcult · 3 years

Text

i’d tell you i miss you (but i don’t know how)

or the one exboyfriend!calum one shot no one asked for!

CW: mentions of food, minor mentions of mental slump and loss of appetite (tagging just in case ^^)

words: 7159 words

tags: exboyfriend!au, calum hood, (sad attempt) angst

dedicated: @kouchos & ally, my supporters!

i got carried away, and i proofread this like five times at most. ENJOY. scream at me or with me on twitter tho <3 also alternative title was “ it’s time for me to admit that i’m an asshole “ yep, angst. also partly self indulgent, actually majorly sorry imma stop now-

“ Maybe one day, one day you’ll learn to treat a girl right but today is not that day. Neither am I the girl for that. “

The words ring in Calum's head since the day you walked out. It was a huge toll on his pride and ego before he even realised it himself. He was an asshole.

He can’t imagine how difficult it could have been for you to even confront him, knowing how difficult it was for you to make a decision for yourself. Always needing to consider others before your own well-being. If it weren’t for the fact that you broke up with him, he would have been so happy and proud for you. Now, he’s left with regrets and a broken heart.

He only has himself to blame. After all, he was the one who treated you badly. He was the one who took advantage of your love and kindness. It was unimaginable to Calum on how he even ended up that way, but it did happen after all.

It’s been a full year by now, wallowing in self pity and hatred was Calum’s new past time. He’d like to think you’re doing better without him. He’s always known you were strong, independent and an amazing person. He was just dead weight in your life.

You were still healing, learning how to love others more than you love Calum. Deep down though, you knew you’d always want him back. But you didn’t know where he was mentally, emotionally and physically even.

Last you’ve heard, he’d shut out from the world. Occasionally meeting his best friends but never really out and about. Sure, it hurt. It stung and crushed your very being to be the one to make the call but you knew if you didn’t, you’d both be stuck in a constant hell-loop. The toxicity was suffocating and you couldn’t hold yourself up anymore under the weight of it.

So you left.

It felt selfish, you spent several months seeking help and learning to understand your emotions are valid. Learn to stop sabotaging yourself. You’d turn to healthier coping mechanisms, try new things. You’d been apprehensive but you knew if you kept to your old habits, it would only add salt to the wound.

However, you still kept in contact with everyone except for Calum. At first, it was weird. No one really knew where the boundaries really laid but it quickly got resolved once you opened up to them fully. Of course they were sad about your breakup, but once they got the full picture they were supportive of you.

Happiness is personal and if it means going separate ways with their own best friend, they would still try to support you.

You felt fresher these days. You didn’t have to drag yourself out of bed much these days. A more relaxed expression painted your face these days. Sometimes you find yourself wondering about Calum in general. You’d hope he’s doing well, even after all the turmoil. You don’t hate him, you could never hate such an amazing soul. You were just disappointed you can’t have him the way you want to.

Life goes on, you started dating casually in the past three months. None of them really tugged on your attention, instead ending up as friends by the end of the dates.

Currently, you’re on your way to meet Andre. You met him for a date, the two of you linking up through Twitter. By the end of the date though, you two agreed you’d be better off as friends. It was a friendship you’d quickly learned to cherish, enjoying his presence and personality.

The Autumn air was always one you relished in, despite getting cold easily. You wore your favourite coat, as well as a beret. Any close friends of yours could pick you out of a crowd, knowing how attached you are to your accessories.

Apparently, so could Calum Hood.

He was hunting for coffee, needing that energy boost to help him get through the recording session. It was an area he wasn’t familiar with, hence his troubles locating a coffee shop.

It was pure coincidence when he looked up, spotting you walking down the pavement. You hadn’t noticed him though, too busy looking down at your phone, a small smile present as you mumble to yourself. In the midst of his own shock, he’d ended up staying still on his side of the pavement.

You passed him, as he eyed you, eyes widened in pure surprise and even a tinge of panic. His staring didn’t go unnoticed by you. You were already a couple steps away but you looked up, knowing someone was watching. The frown on your face was visible to Calum, only to watch it deepen when you catch the culprit staring at you.

Normally, you’d give a stranger a dirty look and a once over but this was no stranger. You stopped in your steps, seeing Calum’s body half turned as well. Confused and taken by surprise, you raised your free hand, waving at him lamely. You saw something in his eyes change, and he made his way to you, calling out your name softly.

“ Hey, “ you greeted him breathlessly.

He had tucked his hands in his front pockets, trying to play nonchalant. He pressed his lips together, taking you in. You knew he wouldn’t make the first move, so you decided to save him.

“ Change of scenery? “ He looked at you confused.

“ Uh, I’ve never ran into you around here before. So this is unexpected and new. What brings you here? “ The implied message that you moved on in your life without him didn’t go unnoticed by Calum.

Still, he pushed that thought of his mind and replied. “ Recording session down the street, needed some caffeine. “

You smiled softly, pleasantly surprised. “ Oh? That’s cool. I didn’t know there’s a studio around here. How’s it going? “

Calum hums, looking down at his shoe. “ It’s going. “

Noticing his change in behaviour, you decided it’d be best you excuse yourself. After all, you are keeping your own friend waiting. “ Uh, if you don’t mind I’ll have to get going. Good to see you Calum. “

His head shot up, looking at you in the eye for the first time. “ Wait, “ he sputtered, his right hand reaching out to your arm. Your eyes darted down to it briefly, before looking at him expectantly.

“ Uh, do you mind if we could catch up? Like some time, any time? My number’s still the same. If you still have it, if you don’t then, uh it’s understandable. If you don’t want to meet up it’s fine by me too it totally- “

You couldn’t help the fond smile from appearing, interrupting him. “ Calum, I haven’t changed my number and I’ve still got yours. I’ll text you sometime this week. I’ve got to run. “

You flashed him one last smile before turning on your heels, without waiting for his reaction. You’d miss the dazed look on his face and the gummy smile that broke out afterwards.

Staring at the screen of his phone, Calum contemplated his next move. He had already unlocked his phone to read the notification, to ensure that it really was a message from you and that it wasn't a prank. He was certain you were just being polite when you said you'd text.

He's nervous, which is stupid to him considering the fact that you two were once good friends before dating. Still, he felt slightly light headed when he decided to open the chat to type out a reply.

hey, Y/N here :] wondering if you're down for pizza at our old regular spot on friday, dinner time?

Shakily, he sent his message but not before reading it three times, once out loud and the twice in his head.

sounds great, see ya around 7 : D

It suddenly dawned on him that Friday was two days away. He ran into you on Sunday. Many thoughts were running through Calum's mind, but he needed to ground himself. Obviously, you two wouldn't be dating the moment after Friday. He knew you, and he'd like to think he still does. This means that your walls were already back up, and if anything, they’re even tougher and taller. He'd need to work his ass to gain back your trust, even as a friend.

You were the best thing that happened to Calum, if he's being completely honest. He didn't show you enough care, more often than not finding himself prioritising third parties opinions regarding himself, regarding you two. He was too focused on losing the love of the world he didn't spare a thought about losing yours. In the end, it felt like he lost everything when you walked away from him.

If he even got the chance to be back in your life as a friend, Calum was going to jump on it. The past months have been living hell for him and he hasn't felt more alive than he's been in the past year. Calum's hoping his change will pull through.

On the other hand, you were worrying slightly. You're never one to let people back into your life so easily. This was the quickest you'd try to reunite with someone you'd cut off. But if you could learn to grow into a better person, you believed Calum had taken the time to learn too.

At first, you hesitated texting him. You wondered if you should even be talking to Calum in the first place. It was kinda ridiculous though, considering the fact that you're still good friends with his bandmates. You can't even lie about how your mind would drift towards Calum in the past month before your run in with him.

Taking the run in as a sign of fate, you decide to gamble all your hope into the universe. If Calum truly had changed for the better, you know you'd be able to live with one less heartache. Losing a good friend has always been difficult for you but to lose both a lover and a friend, it got hard to cope with at times.

Realistically speaking, you'd know even a small thought of considering dating Calum again might come in at a later point in life but for now, you're just hoping to rekindle the friendship you had.

You wonder if he noticed the change in your texting style, was it obvious that you're truly a different person now? Or does it reveal your own conflicted feelings even through a simple message? Not wanting to worry anymore, you threw your phone to the side and focused on your laptop to take away your frustrations.

The pizzeria wasn't fancy, it was a hole in the wall store. It'd been a long while since your last visit, the last time you were there was not long after the break up. The burning curiosity as to whether Calum visited the pizzeria after your fallout was dizzying your mind. To your surprise, Calum was there first. He had just found a seat, eyes drifting towards the entrance to check for your arrival.

A soft expression took over his features as he admired you. You'd always been one to dress up regardless of the activity and location. Even being in an ordinary pizzeria was no exception for you. You wore your favourite pair of Docs, the one Calum gifted you for your birthday two years ago. It wasn't intentional, it was just one of your favourite shoes that was still in mint condition.

The rest of your ensemble reminded him of the long time away from each other. You wore a plaid pleated tennis skirt, with a buckle at the side. You layered it with a white turtleneck and a knitted vest, on top of it all were various necklaces. New outfits that change you, just like the time apart.

" Hey, did you just get here? " You greeted as you settled opposite him, straightening yourself out to avoid looking him in the eye.

Calum's eyes were still on you, taking in your appearance. " Uh, no I just got here too. Are you ready to order? "

You finally looked at him, taking in his appearance across of you. A band tee (The same Nine Inch Nails shirt you used to steal,) and a simple silver chain adorning his neck. His tattoos were peeking out from the short sleeves of the shirt, drawing your attention to his arms. It was buffer than you last remembered it to be, that you were sure of. Calum was looking at you, waiting for your response.

Right, you're about to have dinner with Calum in your old hang out spot with him. You nodded at him, about to get up from your seat to order when he shakes his head. " Two slices of beef pepperoni, and a side of root beer right? "

" Yeah, I- "

" It's okay, it's on me. " He quickly replies and leaves you at the table. You stare at his retreating figure in disbelief. You settle back in your seat, deciding to berate him when he returns with your orders.

Within minutes, Calum returns with your meals. " You didn't have to do that you know. " You narrow your eyes at him, automatically fixing the placings of the food on the table.

" It's okay, I insist. " He smiles, muttering a quick thanks for setting the table.

You heaved a sigh of exhaustion, shaking your head. " Alright but I'm buying us dessert later and you can't deny it. " You threatened him, the fond smile never leaving your lips as Calum laughs at your antics.

The rest of dinner carried on naturally, as if you two have always been in this pizzeria for the past one year of your lives. It was a little unnerving but it mostly felt right, like the stars had aligned. Time flew by, like it always did when the two of you were tucked in your own bubble together. Finishing up the last of your drink, you two lapsed into comfortable silence. He watched you as you downed the remains of the cup, containing melted ice cubes.

" Good to know you still have iron deficiency. "

You rolled your eyes, deciding to chew the ice cubes a little loudly. " It's an addiction, I truly can't help it. Come on, let's go. " You urged Calum, grabbing your bag and standing up. He quickly picked up his leather jacket and stood up too. You got a good look of his full outfit, surprised by the lack of Docs to be replaced by a pair of Vans instead. You watched as he pat down his pants, ensuring he got all his belongings before coming up to your side.

Once you two left the pizzeria, you took a quick glance at the street you were so used to. Wordlessly, you turned right, Calum having no other choice but to follow along. It wasn't even nine yet and it was a Friday night, so you were in no rush to go home. You'd hope your intuitions were right as it led you two towards one of your favourite book stores, the one you used to drag Calum in to hide from the rest of the world.

Calum's heart swelled, he recognised the direction they were headed towards the second you chose to turn right. He wonders if it was just as natural for you as it was for him, muscle memory to go to the book store after the pizzeria now that you're with him. It was just like the many times you've done so all those years.

It was silent between you two during the short walk to the store. Calum, ever the gentlemen opened the door for you. You thanked him, before looking back at him. The feeling of nostalgia was mutual between the two of you. Feeling brave, you stuck your hand out to him, nodding towards the endless shelves of books. " Come on. "

He gently took your hand, letting you pull him along. You automatically made a beeline towards the Young Adult section, ever the hopeless romantic you are. The thought brought a fond smile to grace Calum's lips, loving how some things will never change.

You awakened to the sun shining through your window. Days like these made you regret not getting a blackout curtain. One hand stretched over your eyes to shield you from the light. You had gone out the day before, only returning towards midnight. Calum had invited you out, taking you out for lunch and dinner which you fought to pay for, refusing to let him treat you to a meal twice in a day.

After dinner, you two went to a bowling alley that you'd never been too before. It had ended with you losing but you were the one that scored not one, but two strikes so really who's the real winner?

( " That's not how it works Y/N. " Calum rolled his eyes, causing you to giggle.

" Well, you had one strike while I had two. We haven't even gotten to the part about my spares. "

Calum just took your bowling shoes from your hold, " Whatever you say Y/N. " )

You'd been spending more and more time with Calum, meeting up with him at least once a week. The excitement and happiness that washed over you each time you texted or met never seemed to fade. It alarmed you a little, reminding yourself of the times you were crushing on Calum big time. You were confused. Sure you can't deny that you're attracted to him but you were also just really really grateful to have him back in your life.

Maybe that was a little too much gratefulness but could you really blame yourself? It was Calum freaking Hood! Who could resist such a divine being? If anyone could, please send some tips your way.

After accepting the fact that you won't be continuing your slumber, you reached out for your phone on your nightstand. As always, numerous notifications greeted you. This time however, you noticed you’d been tagged in multiple posts on Instagram, noting how they were all from fan accounts. You groaned out loud, not ready to deal with blatant haters all over again.

As if they hadn't already made your life a living hell when you were still with Calum, the first two to three months of your breakup was somehow, one of the worst. Calum had never once said a word to the fans to keep themselves in line. It was painful and harmful to live that way. His own silence was ultimately a factor leading to your downfall with him.

The rest of the band almost posted a statement to tell the fans to shove their useless hatred up their asses but you stopped them, not needing to complicate the situation of your breakup even more. Thankfully, it all ended up dying down but it wasn't something you'd like to relive in.

Going onto Twitter, you contemplated on going private. You were starting to get tagged in conversations on 5sos stan Twitter. You were quick to mute those conversations, not even sparing a single glance to read the tweets. Deciding to tone down your fear, you just double checked on your settings across Instagram and Twitter, twitching it so only people you follow can contact you directly from those accounts.

The two of you have skid past the topic of the breakup. Which was why it surprised you when you received a long message from Calum, filled with apologies.

It wasn't selfish of you to walk out from me because I was the selfish one. Seeing the commotion online has only pushed me to get this overdue apology out of me. I'm sorry you're getting this through a text, first thing when you wake up. It's been hard for us to approach this but in order for us to properly start a new chapter, we have to address the matter. I feel like I should take full responsibility for causing you unnecessary pain. I admit, the pressure of the fans and the media got to me, letting them dictate how I treat you. I'm easily one of the biggest fools you've ever known, it surprises me how you even found it in your kind soul to love me once upon a time and even, forgive me. If you don't mind, I'd like to do this right. Defend you from the fans for a start, even though we aren't dating anymore you are still my friend and a human being. You don't deserve the relentless spite from the internet, you don't need my own issues to become yours. Do know that I'm not doing this out of guilt but because I truly care for you and it's time for me to stop being a coward. If you're not comfortable, fine by me too. Just know that I won't hesitate to defend you from now forth.

You were moved by his words, knowing how he always got a way to craft words in the best ways possible. Your thumb hovered over the call icon before pressing on it. You didn't even have to wait three dials for him to answer.

" Y/N, " he answered softly.

You brought your knees to your chest, leaning against the headboard of your bed. " Calum, thank you. I don't want to stand in the way between you and your fans again. Do what you think is right for your own well-being as much as mine. "

" No offence Y/N, but it was hard back then not really realising how much backlash you'd receive just by existing around me. You don't have to suffer again by being associated with me. It irks me that I just stupidly stood by you, oblivious to the hate you got. Maybe worse things did happen and you didn't tell me. I don't want that to go on anymore. I want you to know that I'm fully here now. "

You cringed at his words, remembering how crude those remarks could get. Even when you were alone in public and a hater recognised you, they'd send you a dirty look and mutter a nasty remark for you to hear. Sometimes some fans would use the crowd as an opportunity to hit you more roughly than you'd expect. Those experiences made you stop showing up to huge events and surprising Calum.

It was unfair to Calum, that you didn't tell him about the other happenings but it would break your heart to break his heart about his fans. You knew how far his loyalty for the fans stood. For him to genuinely offer you proper protection was really a shocking change. You were silent for a moment; taking in the gravity of his words.

" Alright, " you nodded. " But if this ruins your reputation- "

" I don't care about that anymore, I care about you Y/N. "

You pressed your lips together. " I've got to go back to the studio, I'll talk to you later. Bye. "

Later that evening, Calum sent out a tweet that couldn't even be replied by anyone but him, calling out fans to watch their own words regarding the band and their loved ones. You simply liked and retweeted it before exiting the app to send a quick text to Calum, expressing your gratitude before choosing to ignore the world for the rest of the night.

Normally, Calum wouldn't be worried as he knew you well enough to know that sometimes you needed space. Sometimes you'd fall into a mental slump and just needed to slack throughout the days. But he hasn't heard from you in almost a week now, he was really starting to grow concerned about your well-being. You never had much friends, he knew that you prefer a tight knit circle of friends. After checking in on your social media accounts to track your online activities, he decided to pay you a surprise visit.

You'd told him before on how you moved into a new apartment, on a completely different side of town away from him. A fresh start for you. He input your address in the gps of his car, letting it lead him towards your apartment.

He double checked your building before driving towards the security post. He was under the guise of dropping off delivery for you, easily slipping past security. After they jotted down his name in the log book, they let him enter the car park. He found an empty space, luckily and made his way to the lift lobby.

He only had his memory to help him, previously having mentioned what level and unit number you lived in when you shared about your new life to him. Calum also remembered how you loved living in a high rise building. Calum was alone in the lift, riding up to the sixteenth floor. When he got out, he noticed there were only five units on this floor.

Carefully, he examined the exterior and read the different unit numbers of the apartments. Reaching outside the furthest unit, he hesitates to ring it. Calum reads the unit number, seemingly ringing a memory in his mind about the same numbers plastered on the door before him. With a deep breath, he presses on the doorbell of the apartment and awaits for your arrival.

" Calum? " He had been staring at the ground, hoping to calm his nerves.

His head shot up, once again looking at you, feeling relieved. " Thank god I got the correct unit. Surprise? "

You stepped aside to let him in, " Right uh, sorry I look like a mess right now. " You smiled sheepishly, tucking your stray hair behind your ears to look somewhat presentable. You'd been lounging in an oversized tee and some cotton shorts, not even wearing a bra underneath.

" I brought us some food, if you don't mind. " Calum raises the paper bag from McDonald's. Your stomach starts to churn slightly at the sight of fast food.

" I'll be right back but make yourself comfortable on my couch. Turn Netflix on, or Disney+ or whatever makes you comfortable. " You quickly headed for your room, putting on your most comfortable bra. Sure, he'd seen you naked on multiple occasions but this was different. You quickly fixed your appearance, grabbing your glasses, hair tie, as well as your blanket, head pillows and jacket.

By the time you returned, Calum had already laid out the food on the coffee table. You didn't have the heart to tell him that you didn't have much appetite to eat, despite being attracted to the food presented to you.

" Thanks Calum, " you mumbled softly, settling on the end of the couch. He settles down gently beside you, leaving a small gap between the two of you. You opted to look at the television instead, refusing to open up. Calum was waiting on your every move, so you had to be fine. You wanted to be fine.

He took one last look at you before his eyes adverted to the screen, pressing play on the film he's chosen. You tried to relax as the Disney introduction clip rolled through, only to jump slightly in surprise when your favourite film introduction came on afterwards.

You couldn't help the smile from forming, peeking to look at Calum only to find him already grinning at you. You blushed, shyly looking away and reached out for the packet of fries he laid out on the table for you. You absentmindedly offered Calum some fries, holding it in between the two of you to munch on.

Calum was still worried about you. Sure you were eating the food you brought over but you weren't fully enjoying the moment. You didn't sing your heart out like you normally would. Instead, you were muttering some lyrics under your breath. He knew when the next song sequence would come up, deciding to take action from there.

You were surprised when you heard Calum singing along to the film, looking at you earnestly. It was always the other way around, being the Disney fanatic that you are. You didn't think he'd notice your subtlety today, but he did. It was almost the end of the first verse, and you were quite tempted. Maybe it showed on your face because Calum was inching closer, singing louder.

As the pre chorus kicked in, you finally gave in, singing a little louder than you had all day. Calum harmonised with you, encouraging you to take the lead. You rolled your eyes, but it held no threat as you smiled widely, feeling your burdens slightly lifted off your chest.

By the end of the song, you were breathless, leaning close into Calum and laughing. His one arm instinctively wrapped around you, pulling you close. It's the first intimate contact you two have initiated in a long while, but you didn't care. You felt him tense up, before Calum pulled away feeling shocked and apologised.

" It's okay, " you assured him and snuggled into him. His once tense body relaxed in a matter of seconds, giving into your needs. The comfortable silence returned, but this time you truly felt calm as Calum ran his fingers through your hair as you leant against him.

Since his visit, you decided you were ready to go back to socialising. You were sure to express your gratitude multiple times towards Calum, forgetting how safe and sound it was like to be by his side. However, you were positively sure those feelings were all on the platonic side. It only made sense right? Ignoring the facts, Calum was being a great friend and you seeking comfort in him can be purely platonic. (Even when your heart is trying to convince you otherwise.)

You went about your week as per usual, going to work, coming home, talking to your friends and meeting up with them. It was a rare day for you, as you had ended work earlier than usual. You were getting ready to meet your best friends when Calum randomly rang you up on FaceTime.

" Hello? " You answered, pausing to stand in front of your phone where you had balanced against your makeup brush holder.

" Oh hey, sorry am I disturbing you? " You noticed he had his bass clutched on his one hand, probably using his laptop to FaceTime you as his phone was on his lap. You got a clear view of Calum on his couch.

" Uh, no not really? I mean I can get ready while talking to you. Not like I've never done it before. What's up? " You settled down in your chair, mindlessly moving things around to make it easier for you to get ready while sitting down.

Calum curses, " Oh you're going out today. Sorry I forgot I'll just, I'll just call someone else or something. "

This made you stop your movements, glaring at Calum as best as you can through your screen. " Calum Thomas Hood, you called me, I stayed until now. What makes you so sure I don't wanna listen to whatever song you magically conjured up? "

" How'd you know it's a song? "

" From the way you're set up. Quick, I wanna hear it! "

He looks at his phone then back at you. " Okay, I just need some new perspective okay? Be brutally honest if you have to, " Calum trials off.

You sat back in your seat, making sure all your attention was on him and only him. He cleared his throat once before strumming the bass. He was singing loud enough for the two of you to hear, singing the melodies at some parts he was unsure of. After a minute or so, he stopped and looked at you for approval. Even through the small screen of your phone, you could see the eagerness to be praised and showered with love. Writing can get vulnerable and it made you wonder how he'd come up with such a beautiful song.

" I love it, I really do. " You smiled sweetly, hoping all your appreciation towards him are being expressed. " It's an amazing song, Calum that bass line is really really good too. That's so genius! " He looks at you with his doe eyes, smiling in disbelief.

" You trust me right? "

His face harderns, " Of course. "

" Then believe me when I say that your song is on its way to be one of the most amazing songs ever! I'm a music snob, you know I take music to heart. " You tried to lighten the atmosphere, succeeding in doing so when Calum broke into a smile.

The two of you stayed on the line, Calum working hard on shaping his song while you worked on your face. Even when you were driving, you made him stay connected despite his protests.

( " That's so fucking dangerous, I'm not sure if we should. "

" I'm wounded, I'll be fine! " )

Much to Calum's relief that his prayers regarding your safety were answered, you made it to your designated location without a hassle. You ended off with a cheerful farewell, promising to talk later that day.

Being around you was both the best and worst time of Calum's life. He loves you, he really does but it kills him not knowing where the two of you stand. He's aware that he's already pushed his luck with you, getting a chance of reconciliation which is rare especially coming from you. Calum doesn't want to fuck things up with his own feelings becoming a potential problem but he's sure at times, you feel the same.

You however, were still in denial of your own feelings. To be fair, you denied the first time you thought you liked Calum beyond the friendship zone. To be there again, for the second time in your life was something you're struggling coming to terms with.

Maybe it's the nostalgia getting to you. Maybe he really is charming. Maybe he is the love of your life. You're not sure. No living soul could tell you the truth and it's tearing you apart. If only feelings weren't so complex, especially when Calum's the subject of the topic.

As the days go by, your feelings grow stronger and stronger, making you realise many things. Wanting to kiss your very good friend isn't platonic, at all. Wanting to wake up to your friend every day and to fall in bed with your friend every night isn't platonic. Needing to see his face and hear his voice when you're at your lowest low isn't platonic in the slightest. You are still in love with Calum Hood, but the feelings just felt more vigorous.

As it comes to be, you grew even more in love with him as the times went by. It was scary, the familiar feelings coming back at fuller force. It was like speeding without brakes because you didn't know how to stop. You never learnt but you don't really know if you wanted to. He made you feel so much and none at the same time. Being him felt like being at the top of the world but also feels natural, meant to be. How seamless it was to be back in each other's lives. It should seem like a huge deal but it's Calum, it felt all too natural to you.

It was weird, once you started thinking hard about it. What are you to do now? If you acted differently, it'll probably be noticeable and he'd ask you about your feelings but how do you control yourself around Calum to be more friendly? It seems like life's a never ending struggle when Calum's involved in the equation.

The day of your routine meet up with Calum had arrived, and you were trying to stay as nonchalant as possible. Surely Calum could distract from, well himself in your own mind. He was dropping by your house today, opting to cook you your favourite pasta dish. You were whining about how you lack the time to travel to your favourite Italian restaurant, which only transpired into a banter between the two of you. Calum insisted to cook for you, in the comfort of your home. Who were you to deny free food, let alone his company?

It started out fine, you helped Calum prepare some ingredients from your pantry, setting it aside for him. The natural playful attitude came out easily when you’re around Calum. He shooed you away right before he started cooking, urging you to relax. After sending him one last half hearted threat, you complied and retreated to your room.

Getting lost in your thoughts was easy, especially as you laid on your bed with your music playing beside you. The very thought that Calum was in your kitchen, preparing dinner right now for only the two of you sends your head spinning. It feels like a fever dream, having him regularly back in your life. Your thoughts almost made you nauseous from clogging up your senses. You’re only brought back to earth when Calum comes knocking on your door, calling you.

He cautiously pushes the door open, widening the small gap you had left behind. From your spot on the bed, you look at him and you nearly swoon. It’s like every moment that happened before today blends into your mind, rendering you speechless over such a simple sight. He truly looks like he belongs in your space all along, as if he never left. It’s scary, yet you fucking loved it.

“ Hey, you good? “ His forehead creases with concern, taking a tentative step forward.

You flash a small, tired smile. “ I’m fine, sorry. Just spaced out there. “

Calum stares at you, before his body language swiftly relaxes. “ Well, don’t keep our food waiting. “ He smiles teasingly at you, an effort in lifting your atmosphere. One, you recognise and still feel grateful for.

He watches you as you slowly rise from your bed, sauntering towards him. His lips quirk up as he leans against the doorframe, crossing his arms. “ Last one to the table is a loser! “ You exclaim, pushing him lightly and running out of your room. Your laughter fills your apartment, shortly accompanied by Calum’s groan. Obviously you reached first, appreciative of the fact that Calum had set the table up. As you take your seat, Calum finally makes it to the dining room.

“ You know you’re dirty right. “ A smile plays on your lips as you shrug, looking away from him.

“ Sounds like a loser is saying something. “ You joked, getting up to wash your hands.

Calum grumbles to himself, but his eyes are full of mirth. “ Whatever, you’re lucky I love you. “

You stared at him, hands hanging by your side. He stares back in disbelief, a look of conflict flickers across his face. “ Yeah, “ he lamely concludes, eyes drifting away from yours.

Now or never.

“ I love you, so you’re lucky too. “ You see his ears perk up, shoulders risen again. When he looks at you, he’s frowning, a little sad even. Calum shakes his head, smiling sadly. “ No, don’t say that. “ He weakly protests.

It makes you frown, causes your own hope to vanish. “ Why? “

Calum breaks eye contact again, staring down on the ground. “ Don’t say it like you mean it. Or worse, like you feel obligated. “ Your frown only creases deeper, feeling hurt by his own assumptions.

“ That’s rude. “ You find your voice, despite feeling the growing pain in your throat. You want him to look up, to see if he could see your anguish on full display right now, all triggered by him. “ I’m in love with you Calum Hood. I never stopped and I don’t think I ever will. It would take the entire universe for me to fall for someone else. “

The sound of your own heart was deafening for you, beating loudly in your ear. You want to get out so badly but you didn’t want to leave Calum, nor did you want him to leave you. You don’t think you could handle it. “ Are you sure? “ Calum gulps, braving himself to look you in the eye.

The exasperation in your voice makes you cringe inwardly but you can’t find it in you to care all that much. This could be your only chance. “ Yes, I am very sure. “ He stares hard at you, his face void of emotions but you can tell his mind is making many contemplations. It was up to him now, you can only hope. It’s kinda humorous, you’d never imagine yourself confessing your feelings to him again. This time, it feels much more surreal but it was Calum. He’s always going to make you feel this way, you knew that deep in your bones.

“ I’m speechless, “ is all he could come up with.

“ I can tell. “

He sighs, running a hand through his hair. His composure breaks, shoulders slumped forward. “ You’re all I ever wanted, and even more than what I deserve. Don’t, you know it’s true. It’s a miracle you even forgave me and reconciled with me. I didn’t treat you right the first time, Our love may not be perfect, but I hope it’s enough for both you and I. I’m sorry that it took time apart for me to finally change, but I know you believe in the fates. If the fates are signalling that we’re the endgame, then I’ll trudge through every hardship by your side, not up ahead without you. That is, if you’ll have me. “

You approached him, taking every step closer as a chance for him to break away but he didn’t. Calum stood his ground, straightened up as he looked right into your soul. If he was looking hard enough, you’re sure he could even see the red string that pulls you two close, tugging you back to him. He reaches out, hands fitting back into place on your hips, closing the gap between you two. The adoring smile on your face calms Calum down, indulging in the feel of having your arms wrapped around his neck once again. Your foreheads meet, inhaling the electric feel of finally having your worlds return into one.

Your eyes flutter open, staring deep into Calum’s. Instantly, you both leaned forward, finally getting rid of all the space between you. The kiss was igniting, the blazing feeling was pretty much mutual as you felt Calum smile into the kiss. It was a little desperate, but still fulfilling the yearning that had accumulated in the past year. You’re left feeling hazy, laughing as you pulled away gently. Calum laughs too, out of giddiness. His right hand leaves your hips, coming up to cup your cheek. Once you look up, you catch his signature gummy smile directed at you. Your mind should be in overload but instead, it’s peaceful, the silence comforting you. It’s like a missing puzzle piece has been recovered in your life. In that moment forth, you knew love was truly everlasting.

#calum hood #calum #calum 5sos #au #y/n #5sos #5sos writers #5sos writing #ex boyfriend #ex boyfriend calum #angst #i tried #writing #fanfic #oneshot #ex lovers #calums curls #calum thomas hood

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viktorfm · 4 years

Text

(MAXENCE DANET-FAUVEL, NONBINARY) - Have you seen VIKTOR SAMUELS? VIKTOR is in HIS/THEIR SENIOR year. The VISUAL ARTS MAJOR is 24 years old & is a CAPRICORN. People say HE/THEY are OBSERVANT, INGENIOUS, RETICENT and DEPENDENT. Rumors say they’re a member of KINCAID. I heard from the gossip blog that THEY'RE HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH THEIR THERAPIST. (JAMES. 21. EST. THEY/THEM.)

dont. look at me. i know. anyways if it wasnt obvs i abandoned cupid (n darrow) in order 2 bring the two ocs tht he ws inspired by n ws a combination of bt. theyre better as different ppl methinks.

DEATH, HEAVY GRIEF, OVERDOSE / DRUG ADDICTION, HOSPITALIZATION, HYPERSEXUALITY, RELIGION MENTIONS TW

aesthetic.

old tvs and their static, worn tapes, horror movie screams, spilled ink, a sculptor’s hands, clay-stained, chicken scratch handwriting, messy notes, messy hair, scoffs and eye-rolls, bruised knuckles, sore throats, funeral homes and a crying preacher, shattered ceramics, knife fights, high ledges, vertically-striped pants, red lights, the moon shrouded in clouds, cigarette butts, graveyards and half-empty wine bottles, sitting there for hours and talking to nothing, about nothing, a god complex, gold rings adorning both hands, barbwire baseball bats, having never played baseball in your life, deep eyebags and broken mirrors, a permanent chip on one’s shoulder, yearning, longing, wishing.

basics.

full name: viktor phillip samuels

nickname(s): icky vicky :/

b.o.d. - january 2nd, 1996

label(s): the black hole, the crepehanger, the impious, the opaque, the tempest, etc.

height: 6′1″

hometown: preaker, vermont

sexuality: pansexual uwu

stats

favorite song: disorder, joy division / it’s getting faster, moving faster / now it’s getting out of hand / on the tenth floor, down the back stairs / it’s a no man’s land / lights are flashing, cars are crashing / getting frequent now / i’ve got the spirit, lose the feeling / let it out somehow

background.

born to mama and papa (preacher) samuels in preaker, vermont - fifteen minutes after his twin sister, tatiana samuels. years later, rosa samuels joined the gang.

was an awkward, quiet kid growing up, he didn’t interact well with others and preferred being left alone to dig up worms and draw on the walls of their childhood home. the only exception was his twin, really.

as he got older he grew out of this, but instead became like … sort of an asshole? maybe to compensate for years of childhood awkwardness. he’s the sort of person who will bite the hand that feeds him & developed into a full time nuisance by middle school, unlike tatiana who was much more subtle about her conniving manners.

always has been a fan of ‘darker’ materials. grim & creepy morbid shit. probably the biggest tim burton fan, ever since he was a kid … not a good look for a preacher’s son, but he never really felt ‘in’ with the rest of his family to begin with. classic black sheep syndrome.

drew disturbing pictures as a kid that probably prompted one or two or five phone calls home to assure everything was fine.

just really had a knack for art at a young age, from drawing to painting to playing with clay. it’s always been his thing and probably is the only thing he’s good at.

being twins with tatiana was hard. they were near opposite besides both being quite mean-spirited. tatiana handled being in public better, left a better image behind - but viktor had talent, more than she did. they loved each other deeply - y’know, those unbreakable twin bonds as cliche as it sounds - but found each other as competition for their parents’ attention. a rivalry for affection.

in high school is when viktor really started to act out. it started extreme, like losing his virginity in their church and vandalism around the neighborhoods. faked being possessed in the middle of sunday service & almost had an exorcism performed on him.

his only redeemable trait was like … just his sheer talent in the arts. was in a 3d art ap course and specialized in sculptures. he could pretty much create anything he wanted with enough dedication.

because he was the problem child, the one who deserved to be disciplined for all his antics, tatiana could sneak away and get away with whatever she wanted much easier. on the bright-side, for her, i guess.

not a very motivated person - wasn’t planning on going to college, much less going to yates but his parents literally wrote & sent his college application for him because they weren’t going to house a deadbeat but had too much heart to kick him out onto the streets. cool!

he’s actually pretty smart but he just doesn’t apply himself. has a minor in english because he didn’t care for an extra course-load, but he’s good at writing & analyzing literature. is going to use it to write and illustrate his own series of children books with a style similar to tim burton’s. not for the kids, but because he likes to leave a trail of terror in whatever he does.

has been experimenting with himself since high school but college is where he really had started to crack down on himself. was out as pansexual & nonbinary by his sophomore year of college just … not to his parents, who don’t really need to know.

if you asked him if he believed in twins having a psychic connection with each other - he’d tell you he wouldn’t know. it felt believable at times, but sometimes he had no idea what was going on inside of tatiana’as head. on the other hand - viktor had always felt oddly transparent to her, like she knew all of his moves before he did. the only person who could predict him accurately.

( tw death, grief, overdose / hospitalization beyond this point )

when tatiana disappeared, viktor knew something was up. it was a twist in his gut, pure instinct that something wasn’t right. and it wasn’t right - and when she was proclaimed missing, they couldn’t find her.

and when tatiana died - viktor knew. it felt wrong, something cut so severely in him he could pinpoint her death to the second. he didn’t know how, or why, but he knew it. knew it before anybody else had.

afterwards he went on a sort of bender. he’d begun to struggle with a mild drug addiction late senior year of high school / early college, but he was managing it up until this point.

his mental health had also sunk to an all-time low, when it’d never been great to begin with. (manic & depressive episodes. once fixated on a sculpting project for six months and then knocked it off the table and destroyed it as soon as he finished it for no apparent reason.)

tatiana’s body wasn’t found immediately, and when it was … viktor went off the rails. ended up overdosing & being hospitalized. spent six months in & out of psychiatric care after that.

came back to yates to finish his senior year because … for the reasons above, he hadn’t been able to complete it. just wants to get his credits and get out of here.

is still dealing with a lot of trauma & grief - causes him to spiral and be unpredictable in regards of his mental health. he stopped taking his medication, so. :/ some days are alright, other days are pretty bad.

personality & facts.

the human embodiment of a gremlin that was fed after midnight. a goblin, if you will. one of those cats with a narrow head and really big ears … that’s them!

a big horror & halloween enthusiast. loves the old campy horror movies & probably has an abundance of masks from different movies. dresses like a grimy millennial beetlejuice more than they should because they just … love those black & white vertical-striped pants.

can appreciate the ~urban legends~ at yates and likes to feed into the fear that surrounds them. is probably the cause of a few ‘anomalies’ and ‘paranormal sightings’ because they’re just … a jerk.

fashion alternates between e-boy (they would be tiktok famous if they were 17 & didn’t think that a majorly minor based app was weird.), millennial beetlejuice, and goth in a crop top & sweatpants. big fan of crop tops and a big fan of sweatpants.

they can be really fucking mean? petty, aggressive, a major instigator. will literally spit in your face for little to no reason, you could just look at them the wrong way. the kind of person who will stick their gum into someone else’s hair. other than that? they’re like … sort of okay. they’re not always mean, just a dick about 90% of the time lmao

like okay yeah they’ll call someone a stinky bitch for no reason except they feel like it and believes it. it’s fine, they’re fine, we’re fine.

despite the fact that they’re probably getting into a fight whenever, considers themself to be a lover and not a fighter but that’a primarily because they fuck a lot. uses it as a coping mechanism, like they’re this big fancy carnival show that’s like ‘come one, come all! fuck the dead girl’s twin brother!’ and it’s … a lot. might have a problem with hypsersexuality but they’re not fully aware of it.

the preacher’s whore son, basically :)

pansexual & nonbinary, switches between he & they pronouns often and without a pattern, but they have such a fragile grip on their identity that you could call them ‘dog-faced bitch’ and they’d turn around like. sup.

vastly impulsive … like i said, they destroy their own creations for the fun of it. spends all their money on useless shit, will cheat on someone because they feel like it & likes the thrill, screams into the night sky frequently like a cat in heat.

will also spend months creating useless shit for no reason too. spent six of them sculpting a hollowed out tree the size of them & then took a sledgehammer to it.

they’re very super dramatic. would play the organ at church when nobody was looking after them and service was about to start. would just churn out these super haunting, creepy melodies like they were phantom of the opera. would do the same exact thing at home on their keyboard with the pipe organ setting whenever they got grounded until their parents took it away hbdsjfngkh

will absolutely not talk about their ‘time away’ because it’s not anyone’s business, not even their own younger sister. still refuses to talk about tatiana’s death, or their mental health, or their addiction (fallen back into it but it hasn’t gotten severe … yet :/), or anything involving their own emotions.

will just change the topic abruptly, no warning. asks about the jonas brothers instead and they fucking hate the jonas brothers.

that being said they’re absolutely not over tatiana’s death & it’s to the point of obsession over it. like there’s some kind of secret that needs to be uncovered, even though there just. isn’t. tatiana was their rock and they were pretty much dependent on her. kept them grounded. could control them when nobody else could, got into their head easier than others. it’s sort of like rosa lost two siblings that day because viktor hasn’t been the same since.

emotionally unavailable while also crying twice a day. cries during their brawls but still wins. is stony-faced when they tell you they cheated on you with your much hotter best friend.

will tell you straight up what they want from you, no bullshit & no beating around the bush. just blunt. if they want to fuck, nothing else, then that’s it. if they feel deviation or developing feelings then they’ll ghost in less than a second. is awful like that but feels no shame.

but also emotional as shit and it’s confusing. will cry on a whim and then flip you off if you try to console them or ask them what’s up. will bite you.

they go to therapy but they just fuck around and wastes their therapists’ time … also is fucking their therapist, but that’s neither here nor there. so they’re not really getting the help they need.

likes to be intimidating but not … with their body or anything because they’re a twig but uses their love & knowledge of horror and creepy shit to their advantage. has an abundance of fake blood. has channeled the energy of jack nicholson and used it on tatiana’s boyfriends before (also is a big fan of sfx makeup & has dabbled in it)

probably chases kids around with a chainsaw without the chain on halloween every year.

generally never doing good, both mental health wise & morally. would probably steal candy from a baby for funsies.

i don’t know if there’s a good to them somewhere deep down, but they don’t see any issues with themself either. nothing really breaks through to them anymore because the only person who ever made them stop and think about their actions was tatiana, and well, y’know. :/

an introverted reclusive type who doesn’t like most people or going out, but does so anyway if it means a quick high & a cheap thrill.

pretty observant and likes to analyze people even though they’re often like … partially wrong. judgmental because they like to make people feel bad, not because they’re a righteous mighty person. because they’re not. so like, a hypocrite!

wanted connections.

religious trauma? oh worm ;; three cheers fr <3 guilt <3 anyways uh. just people tht viktor hs known thru the church in some way even tho hes a fkn. freak now. maybe even family friends.

the horror of our love :/ ;; hmm. any romance tht cld b toxic i think this cld fit. just rly a bad fit. viktor doesnt rly know hw to love so nothing rly lasts bt. maybe they try n try n nothing works bt they keep trying. cld also just be anything unrequited.

little fkn gremlins ;; theyre all evil n mean. bt theyre all friends. <3

you are nothing ;; uuh. enemy plots. spicy enemies. rly bad enemies. rivals. they r brutal towards each other bcos nothing viktor does is ever soft.

fuck u dont pity me ;; uh. people who try to get close to viktor n he just. bites at them. he’s like no. bc he assumes ppl who r kind in response 2 his vileness r. theres smth wrong w them. n it might hv to do with pity. n he hates pity.

ugh. locals x ;; ppl who also grew up around preaker, vermont. the samuels r <3 well known folks n the uh. hm. the murder is an ongoing case. so they cld know abt it <3

dont tell anybody x ;; this is for soft plots. i dont know much about soft plots but.

maybe i am part of the problem ;; the problem is chlamydiagate. this is a hook-ups connection. fwbs n one night stands. ppl viktor hs brutally ghosted. he doesnt acknowledge their existence outside of these events, perhaps.

dont u just wna go apeshit ;; this is where viktor becomes a bad influence.

bt uh. anything. pelase

#yatesintro #death tw #grief tw #murder tw #addiction tw #drug abuse tw #hospitalization tw #overdose tw #hypersexuality mention #religion mention #zooweemama

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viktcrr · 4 years

Text

「maxence danet-fauvel & nonbinary」⇾ samuels, viktor, the senior radcliffe student’s records show that he/they are a capricorn and 24 years old. he/they are studying visual arts, living in noland and can be observant, ingenious, reticent & dependent. when i see him/them i am reminded of a sculptor’s hands clay-ridden, the insistent hum of tv static, and a crying preacher inside a dusty funeral home. ⇽「james & 21 & est & they/them.」

hllo !!! i’m james n here’s one of my big idiot muses <3 he’s not actually dumb he’s :/ a bit evil. bt thts okay hes still <3 beloved <3 LKDSFHLSADLKGFSHLKD anyways!

TW DEATH, HEAVY GRIEF, OVERDOSE / DRUG ADDICTION, HOSPITALIZATION, HYPERSEXUALITY, RELIGION MENTIONS, MENTAL ILLNESS

aesthetic.

basic info.

full name: viktor phillip samuels

nickname(s): icky vicky :/

b.o.d. - jan 2nd

label(s): the black hole, the crepehanger, the impious, the opaque, the tempest, etc.

height: 6′1″

hometown: rochester, new york

sexuality: pansexual uwu

stats

inspired by: beetlejuice (beetlejuice), sid (toy story), jack sparrow (pirates of the caribbean), francis wilkerson (malcolm in the middle), azula (avatar: the last airbender), vicky (the fairly oddparents), stu macher / billy loomis (scream), marshall lee (adventure time), bojack horseman (bojack horseman), any it’s always sunny character :/

biography.

born to mama and papa (preacher) samuels in rochester, new york - fifteen minutes after his twin sister, tatiana samuels. years later, rosa samuels joined the gang.

drew disturbing pictures as a kid that probably prompted one or two or five phone calls home to assure everything was fine.

just really had a knack for art at a young age, from drawing to painting to playing with clay. it’s always been his Thing and probably is the only thing he’s good at.

his only redeemable trait was like … just his sheer talent in the arts. was in a 3D art AP course and specialized in sculptures. he could pretty much create anything he wanted with enough dedication.

not a very motivated person - wasn’t planning on going to college, much less going to radcliffe but his parents literally wrote & sent his college application for him because they weren’t going to house a deadbeat but had too much heart to kick him out onto the streets. cool!

( TW DEATH, GRIEF, OVERDOSE / HOSPITALIZATION BEYOND THIS POINT )

afterwards he went on a sort of bender. he’d begun to struggle with a mild drug addiction late senior year of high school / early college, but he was managing it up until this point.

tatiana’s body wasn’t found immediately, and when it was … viktor went off the rails. ended up overdosing & being hospitalized. spent six months in & out of psychiatric care after that.

came back to radcliffe to finish his senior year because … for the reasons above, he hadn’t been able to complete it. just wants to get his credits and get out of here.

is still dealing with a lot of trauma & grief, especially since the one year anniversary of tatiana’s death was this month (january) - causes him to spiral and be unpredictable in regards of his mental health. he stopped taking his medication, so. :/ some days are alright, other days are pretty bad.

UPDATE: now that summer’s come n go ... viktor hs been thru <3 a lot <3 recently. switched therapists (his :/ last one got her license revoked) & started new medications, went to a treatment center briefly ‘cos .. he wasn’t doing too well :/ bt now he’s back baybey! trying to be better n trying to be sober but ... :/

personality.

the human embodiment of a gremlin that was fed after midnight. a goblin, if you will. one of those cats with a narrow head and really big ears … that’s them!

can appreciate the lore & cryptids at radcliffe and likes to feed into the fear that surrounds them. is probably the cause of a few ‘anomalies’ and ‘paranormal sightings’ because they’re just … a jerk.

like okay yeah they’ll call someone a stinky bitch for no reason except they feel like it and believes it. it’s fine, they’re fine, we’re fine.

despite the fact that they’re probably getting into a fight whenever, considers themself to be a lover and not a fighter but that’a primarily because they fuck a lot. uses it as a coping mechanism, like they’re this big fancy carnival show that’s like ‘come one, come all! fuck the dead girl’s twin brother!’ and it’s … a Lot. might have a problem with hypsersexuality but they’re not fully aware of it.

the preacher’s whore son, basically :)

vastly impulsive … like i said, they destroy their own creations for the fun of it. spends all teir money on useless shit, will cheat on someone because they feel like it & likes the thrill, screams into the night sky frequently like a cat in heat.

will also spend months creating useless shit for no reason too. spent six of them sculpting a hollowed out tree the size of them & then took a sledgehammer to it.

will just change the topic abruptly, no warning. asks about the jonas brothers instead and they fucking hate the jonas brothers.

emotionally unavailable while also crying twice a day. cries during their brawls but still wins. is stony-faced when they tell you they cheated on you with your much hotter best friend.

but also emotional as shit and it’s confusing. will cry on a whim and then flip you off if you try to console them or ask them what’s up. will bite you.

likes to be intimidating but not … with their body or anything because they’re a TWIG but uses their love & knowledge of horror and creepy shit to their advantage. has an abundance of fake blood. has channeled the energy of jack nicholson and used it on tatiana’s boyfriends before (also is a big fan of sfx makeup & has dabbled in it)

probably chases kids around with a chainsaw without the chain on halloween every year.

generally never doing good, both mental health wise & morally. would probably steal candy from a baby for funsies.

an introverted reclusive type who doesn’t like most people or going out, but does so anyway if it means a quick high & a cheap thrill.

wanted connections.

a roommate… but it’s an absolute nightmare to live with him.

enemies… because viktor would have a lot of them…

familiar faces… people who knew tatiana or of her / were her friends. maybe even those who dated her, and who viktor would’ve tried to intimidate / scare at any given chance :/

pitiful glances… people who take pity on viktor and he hates it sooo much.

hooligan gremlin kids… just a friend group of grown ass adults who do drugs and fuck shit up around town like they’re edgy teenagers.

high school girlfriend… probably the one he lost his virginity to inside his family church :/

childhood acquaintances… people who knew him from his youth.

exes… good & bad terms, but mostly bad terms because viktor is an actual demon. probably cheated on them.

soft… i don’t know if he’s soft towards anyone and/or is capable of it but we can try. we can try.

unrequited… either viktor just doesn’t like them or he’s holding back because he’s :/ got issues with relationships & is self-sabotaging as one does

enemies with Tension… of the … spicy kind if you know what i mean. wink.

friends… old friends, new friends, bad friends, good friends, close friends, frenemies, etc. i don’t know how many he had but if your muse likes to cause a ruckus and fuck shit up then viktor’s your man.

hook-ups… current or old. friends with benefits, one night stands, anything and everything because he fucks around a lot.

ride or die… friendship but make it extreme.

bad influence… he’s just toxic to be around and brings out the worst in people :/

bad egg… he’s gotten into a few fights :/ maybe you witnessed it. maybe you were in it.

literally anything i wld love all sorts of plots.

#ruhqintro #death tw #grief tw #drug abuse tw #addiction tw #overdose tw #hospitalization tw #hypersexuality tw #religion mention

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altviktcrr · 4 years

Text

『MAXENCE DANET-FAUVEL ❙ NONBINARY』 ⟿ looks like VIKTOR SAMUELS is here for HIS/THEIR SENIOR year as a VISUAL ARTS student. HE/THEY are 24 years old & known to be OBSERVANT, INGENIOUS, RETICENT & DEPENDENT. They’re living in NOLAND, so if you’re there, watch out for them. ⬳ JAMES. 20. EST. SHE/THEY.

hllo ,,, again ,,, this is my last child i SWEAR ,,, at least fr now ,,, hes also the most problematic one ,,, the most dramatic ,,, one of my absolute faves ,,, pleathe love him. as always if u wish to plot please like this so i can msg u !!!

TW DEATH, HEAVY GRIEF, OVERDOSE / DRUG ADDICTION, HOSPITALIZATION, HYPERSEXUALITY, RELIGION MENTIONS, MENTAL ILLNESS

aesthetic.

basic info.

full name: viktor phillip samuels

nickname(s): icky vicky :/

b.o.d. - jan 2nd

label(s): the black hole, the crepehanger, the impious, the opaque, the tempest, etc.

height: 6′1″

hometown: rochester, new york

sexuality: pansexual uwu

stats

biography.

born to mama and papa (preacher) samuels in rochester, new york - fifteen minutes after his twin sister, tatiana samuels. years later, rosa samuels joined the gang.

as he got older he grew out of this, but instead became like ... sort of an asshole? maybe to compensate for years of childhood awkwardness. he’s the sort of person who will bite the hand that feeds him & developed into a full time nuisance by middle school, unlike tatiana who was much more subtle about her conniving manners.

always has been a fan of ‘darker’ materials. grim & creepy morbid shit. probably the biggest tim burton fan, ever since he was a kid ... not a good look for a preacher’s son, but he never really felt ‘in’ with the rest of his family to begin with. classic black sheep syndrome.

drew disturbing pictures as a kid that probably prompted one or two or five phone calls home to assure everything was fine.

just really had a knack for art at a young age, from drawing to painting to playing with clay. it’s always been his Thing and probably is the only thing he’s good at.

his only redeemable trait was like ... just his sheer talent in the arts. was in a 3D art AP course and specialized in sculptures. he could pretty much create anything he wanted with enough dedication.

has been experimenting with himself since high school but college is where he really had started to crack down on himself. was out as pansexual & nonbinary by his sophomore year of college just ... not to his parents, who don’t really need to know.

( TW DEATH, GRIEF, OVERDOSE / HOSPITALIZATION BEYOND THIS POINT )

afterwards he went on a sort of bender. he’d begun to struggle with a mild drug addiction late senior year of high school / early college, but he was managing it up until this point.

tatiana’s body wasn’t found immediately, and when it was ... viktor went off the rails. ended up overdosing & being hospitalized. spent six months in & out of psychiatric care after that.

came back to radcliffe to finish his senior year because ... for the reasons above, he hadn’t been able to complete it. just wants to get his credits and get out of here.

personality.

the human embodiment of a gremlin that was fed after midnight. a goblin, if you will. one of those cats with a narrow head and really big ears ... that’s them!

they can be really fucking mean? petty, aggressive, a major instigator. will literally spit in your face for little to no reason, you could just look at them the wrong way. the kind of person who will stick their gum into someone else’s hair. other than that? they’re like ... sort of okay. they’re not always mean, just a dick about 90% of the time lmao

like okay yeah they’ll call someone a stinky bitch for no reason except they feel like it and believes it. it’s fine, they’re fine, we’re fine.

despite the fact that they’re probably getting into a fight whenever, considers themself to be a lover and not a fighter but that’a primarily because they fuck a lot. uses it as a coping mechanism, like they’re this big fancy carnival show that’s like ‘come one, come all! fuck the dead girl’s twin brother!’ and it’s ... a Lot. might have a problem with hypsersexuality but they’re not fully aware of it.

the preacher’s whore son, basically :)

vastly impulsive ... like i said, they destroy their own creations for the fun of it. spends all teir money on useless shit, will cheat on someone because they feel like it & likes the thrill, screams into the night sky frequently like a cat in heat.

will also spend months creating useless shit for no reason too. spent six of them sculpting a hollowed out tree the size of them & then took a sledgehammer to it.

will absolutely not talk about their ‘time away’ because it’s not anyone’s business, not even their own younger sister. still refuses to talk about tatiana’s death, or their mental health, or their addiction (fallen back into it but it hasn’t gotten severe ... yet :/), or anything involving their own emotions.

will just change the topic abruptly, no warning. asks about the jonas brothers instead and they fucking hate the jonas brothers.

emotionally unavailable while also crying twice a day. cries during their brawls but still wins. is stony-faced when they tell you they cheated on you with your much hotter best friend.

but also emotional as shit and it’s confusing. will cry on a whim and then flip you off if you try to console them or ask them what’s up. will bite you.

they go to therapy but they just fuck around and wastes their therapists’ time ... also is fucking their therapist, but that’s neither here nor there. so they’re not really getting the help they need.

likes to be intimidating but not ... with their body or anything because they’re a TWIG but uses their love & knowledge of horror and creepy shit to their advantage. has an abundance of fake blood. has channeled the energy of jack nicholson and used it on tatiana’s boyfriends before (also is a big fan of sfx makeup & has dabbled in it)

probably chases kids around with a chainsaw without the chain on halloween every year.

generally never doing good, both mental health wise & morally. would probably steal candy from a baby for funsies.

an introverted reclusive type who doesn’t like most people or going out, but does so anyway if it means a quick high & a cheap thrill.

pretty observant and likes to analyze people even though they’re often like ... partially wrong. judgmental because they like to make people feel bad, not because they’re a righteous mighty person. because they’re not. so like, a hypocrite!

wanted connections.

a roommate... but it’s an absolute nightmare to live with him.

enemies... because viktor would have a lot of them...

familiar faces... people who knew tatiana or of her / were her friends. maybe even those who dated her, and who viktor would’ve tried to intimidate / scare at any given chance :/

pitiful glances... people who take pity on viktor and he hates it sooo much.

hooligan gremlin kids... just a friend group of grown ass adults who do drugs and fuck shit up around town like they’re edgy teenagers.

high school girlfriend... probably the one he lost his virginity to inside his family church :/

childhood acquaintances... people who knew him from his youth.

exes... good & bad terms, but mostly bad terms because viktor is an actual demon. probably cheated on them.

soft... i don’t know if he’s soft towards anyone and/or is capable of it but we can try. we can try.

unrequited... either viktor just doesn’t like them or he’s holding back because he’s :/ got issues with relationships & is self-sabotaging as one does

enemies with Tension... of the ... spicy kind if you know what i mean. wink.

friends... old friends, new friends, bad friends, good friends, close friends, frenemies, etc. i don’t know how many he had but if your muse likes to cause a ruckus and fuck shit up then viktor’s your man.

hook-ups... current or old. friends with benefits, one night stands, anything and everything because he fucks around a lot.

ride or die... friendship but make it extreme.

bad influence... he’s just toxic to be around and brings out the worst in people :/

bad egg... he’s gotten into a few fights :/ maybe you witnessed it. maybe you were in it.

literally anything i wld love all sorts of plots.

#radintro #death tw #grief tw #overdose tw #addiction tw #hospitalization tw #mental illness tw #hypersexuality tw #religion mention tw

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ihavenoconsistentname · 4 years

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Hold on can I just rant here about how much I love the guidance counselor Mr Hileman?? Like, this man has done more for me and my emotions than my own legitimate therapist has

Here's the thing; 6th grade I was a mess, I've told this story multiple times with the whole scissors scratching thing, but before all that I've been sent to Mr Hileman before a couple times because you could just tell I was emotionally fucked. I didn't talk to him because I was afraid to. When the other shit happened, yeah I did kind of talk to him a little bit. Then there was the shit that came later at home but I didn't blame the man for it, he kind of had to tell my dad since it involved me hurting myself- sure that kind of stuff is confidential but you're kind of required to tell parents if it's things like that.

Fast forward to 7th grade, I'm out as trans, it's the beginning of the year actually, with some sort of icebreaker thing in Ms Roberts' class I mention I'm trans and all that, Mr Hileman has a quick chat with me asking about it and making sure she's alright to refer to me as Alex (she calls me by my last name though lol)

Fast forward again I think I've mentioned this before but a girl is being transphobic to Jamie so I told Mr Hileman about it and he took care of it

A few times after that I'm pretty sure he's poked around classrooms and stuff pulling me aside and all that checking on me making sure I'm all good

8th grade we haven't majorly talked in a while and just today was the first time we've like,, actually had conversation about something because a teacher emailed him asking to check on me because they most likely saw the cuts on my arms

By now I'm actually comfortable talking to him and all that but I'm not gonna go full on vent to him, so when he asked I told him yea I was okay (I'm feeling alright lately so it wasn't a lie) and he kept making sure I know I can talk to him and I clarified I do know and I will talk to him if I really need to

When he asked if it would be okay for him to maybe look at online resources to help with my whole mental health thing I mentioned I have a therapist/counselor but it was mostly just dealing with my anxiety and he mentioned how some people try to get people to have positive behavior compared to previous shit like rubber band things being alternatives to cutting and he said he doesn't agree that it's helpful and I gave a VERY loud and clear "Yeah" because T does that stuff being like "let's look at more positive thinking! :D" and it's just not helpful whatsoever and he mentioned how different people see things in different ways

This man is the only fucking adult who actually seems to understand me on this. He gets it. He gets that these things aren't helpful for me because their outlook on anxiety is nowhere near mine and mine doesn't function in a way that their solutions could help me.

So instead of just shoving something in my face and being like "here try this and nothing else basically" he instead asked me a few questions. He asked if drawing was therapeutic for me or stress relieving and it can be so I told him yeah it can be, he asked if coloring was helpful and I said yes, he told me he has a coloring book thing at his house he doesn't need/use and that he would give it to me tomorrow

And that's fucking fantastic. It's such a simple yet so much better approach to that than what T does. She gives me worksheets and exercises that mainly deal with thinking alternatively instead of asking what I think will help (and I know if I just yknow TELL HER she might change stuff and I'm going to tomorrow). Then Mr Hileman just simply asks me if certain simple things help me. T does stuff that works on alternative behavior or thinking that is "more positive" and we haven't done anything actually about coping with it even though these things were supposed to be coping exercises. That's not necessarily coping?? Then Mr Hileman decides hey it's better to find simple things you can do to relieve stress or cope with anxiety that you can do in class too (AND HE SAID THAT!!) so let's poke around and think of a few things! Drawing helps? I got a coloring book you can use!

And like I said he's done more for my emotions than T has- he just comes and checks on me and he tells me these small things that really mean a lot like saying he cares or that other people care, he says how he likes checking in on me to make sure I'm alright, he mentions how he'll miss me after this year (and because of all that I'll miss him too. A lot.) While T is kind of over here slightly raising anxiety levels giving me worksheets that don't help me and going over literally the same two or three things using the same scenarios (aka she uses people misgendering me, getting anxiety by being around people, and getting triggered by people making loud noises as examples for exercises where she tries to make me either explain emotions I can't easily explain or try to find positive outlooks to things that I just can't find positive outlooks for)

It just,,

The fact that the school guidance counselor is so much easier to talk to and easier to trust and shit than my literal therapist

It's just kind of insane to me in a way. Like I would rather crawl into a corner and die than have to tell T all about my self harm/depression/anxiety and explain to her how off my emotions are and how shitty everything is, whereas with Mr Hileman, as long as I'm assured I can talk to him about these things without him telling my dad? I will 100% talk to him about it. I trust him. I feel comfortable talking to him. And it could be because I've kind of known him longer and interacted with him more and had a chance to settle back with him already vs having a therapist out of nowhere that I was so anxious about having anyway

Like I'm literally fucking terrified of T hearing shit about my self harm or me having to tell her about it, I dodge explaining things ALL THE TIME because of this shit, because if I do I'm afraid of her telling my dad because again: it may be confidential but they have to tell parents if it's about hurting yourself or others. But with Mr Hileman today he literally asked me about it and said something like "You know you can talk to me about this, I won't tell your dad unless it's actually y'know, really bad" (really bad meaning like I'm doing it every day super deep or something) and I felt comfortable enough to talk to him about it, like when he asked if it was a reocurring thing or I do it often I told him no because I don't do it often, point is I felt comfortable being honest with him even if I literally put on a jacket to hide it from him in the first place once we actually started talking I didn't feel nervous to talk to him

And that's another big thing I always feel some kind of anxiety when I talk to T yet with Mr Hileman I feel almost none

It's the way they have different outlooks and different responses to things and I just would much rather talk to Mr Hileman. I really like him.

#alex rambling #not a vent but not a babble #self harm mention

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booperdoopererryday · 6 years

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You Left Me--Mental Illness Discussion

So Jack played a game today called “You Left Me”, a game about loss, depression, and suicide. At the beginning of the game, he mentioned how he liked playing games like these because of the discussion it sparks in the community, and how we can all be there for each other and share our mental health struggles together. I see this as a good opportunity to share my experiences with fighting mental illness in the hope that maybe it can help someone else here <3 <3 <3

For those who don’t know me very well, I am a 22 year old bisexual girl with a disability. I am a sexual abuse victim, and grew up in an abusive home. I have been diagnosed with major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder (this may have changed recently), and borderline personality disorder. A possible diagnosis of atypical bipolar disorder has been brought up recently as well. I have been suffering from moderate depression since around age 14, and then in 2015, while I was in college, I had a massive breakdown and have been struggling with severe mental health issues since then. I had to drop out, move back into my abusive household, and I have been searching for help ever since.

In my experience, depression is . . . very hard to describe to others, especially those who do not share the experience. The best I can do is relate it to deep sadness, an emotion everyone has experienced. When you have a deep, deep sadness, it pulls at you, cuts into your chest, can elicit hours of sobbing and desperation and the overwhelming feeling that everything, for that moment, feels awful. That is deep, deep sadness, and it sucks majorly.

Depression, for me, is on another level.

In comparison to depression, it feels like that sadness only cut through the top maybe five layers of my heart. That’s a lot of layers, but depression starts deeper. It’s like the very center of my being has rotted, and the decay is spreading towards the surface. It is the bone-chilling, deep knowledge that something is very, very wrong. Value in anything goes missing. Things that gave me meaning and hope and life now only spark maybe a flicker of joy if I’m lucky before it dies where it started. There’s nothing inside me to catch the spark, nothing to keep it burning. Depression is death, it’s being alive while being dead, it’s the full experience of being gone while you’re not yet gone, and the burning desire for your body to follow where your soul left.

Depression is fucking serious and devastating and swallows any life you had in you. And the worst part is, oftentimes it doesn’t really feel like there’s a reason. Many times there’s not a reason, it’s purely the chemicals in your brain, as Jack said in the video today. Sometimes it’s purely that you’re in that shitty of a situation. Most of the time, it’s some kind of combination of both. But mental illness is just that: an illness. It is something in your body (in this case, specifically your brain) that isn’t working properly. In cases where it’s chemical, it’s that there’s an imbalance of the receptors in your brain that allow you to feel happy. In other cases, it may be that because of your upbringing, or trauma, or other situations in your life, your brain has made neural pathways incorrectly, and has developed in a way that makes it next to impossible to cope with situations and events. NEITHER OF THESE THINGS ARE YOUR FAULT. And again, often enough it’s both of these that cause depression.

It’s very hard to believe when you feel this way that there’s any help or any way out. I personally struggle with suicidal thoughts on a daily and many days hourly basis. I cry, a lot. A lot. I feel despair, I lash out in anger at those I love in a desire to self destruct, I self harm. It’s hard, it’s really, really, REALLY goddamn hard, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise because they are wrong. It’s. Hard.

However, it’s important--so, so, SO important--to know that the options available are meant to be taken advantage of. I know there’s a lot of stigma around medication and therapy and such. But here’s the thing--this is literally an illness. And even if there’s no “cure” per se, there are treatment options to ease the pain. And some things CAN be cured. Not all mental illness can be, but some can. And all others, you can find coping skills and medication and therapy to make life enjoyable again, livable again. I have borderline personality disorder, which is nonmedicable. This means that medicine will only go so far with my condition and won’t fix the problem. The best thing for me is therapy, and some medication to ease the pain. Not remove it, but ease it, bring it to a manageable level, a place where I CAN deal with it instead of drowning in it. Most people discount medication and therapy because the first one they tried didn’t work. Maybe they had a shitty therapist who couldn’t handle the full weight of their illness (I have been turned away by therapists who, they themselves, admitted they were not qualified to handle my particular level of crazy XD XD XD), or maybe the first medicine they took actually made things worse (this happens, it’s called the blackbox effect). The thing I want to urge to those of you reading this who have had that experience is: please please please do not let it end there. Help IS worth seeking out, I swear to you. It might take time to find the right fit--that’s normal for both therapy and medication. One size does not fit all, and luckily there are MANY options to explore. It’s taken me a lot of digging to find medicine that works a teensy bit, and a therapist who finally is giving me what I need. I’m not even close to better right now, but I’m working on it. I’m getting there. Because I cannot allow myself to be killed by this.

I cannot allow myself to be a casualty of mental illness.

This is a thing you have to fight. And holy shit do you have to fight hard. It is NOT easy. It’s not even close to easy. It’s the hardest thing you will ever have to do, by miles. You will want to give up, sometimes daily. You might even try to give up. I know I have. But you can’t. You need to keep going, because I promise you the way will get easier. I won’t promise you there’s a point where you will be cured--this will be true for some of you, but I’m not disillusioned enough to think it’s true for all. It’s probably not even true for me, considering my specific brand of mental illness.

BUT DO NOT LET THAT STOP YOU FROM TRYING AND FIGHTING.

If anything else, do it out of fucking spite. Spite of the people who hurt you, spite of the illness that’s tearing you apart from the inside, spite at the very fact that you were born when you didn’t ask for it. Don’t let them win. Don’t let it have victory, because FUCK that. You can have a life worth living, even if it’s downright shitty for long stretches of it. But it can be worth it, and don’t you dare let your brain and life experiences and even people lie to you about that.

Sorry I know I was rambling. But this is so damn important. And we need to be there to support each other through this. And for those of us who need the support, it’s important to not ONLY rely on friends and family--although absolutely do this as well, please seek out support from your loved ones!!!--but to also seek help from professionals. We, as friends/family/community members, can provide love, and care, and gentle urging in the direction towards healing, but we cannot do what professionals have spent their lives learning how to do. We cannot fix the problem, we cannot kill the beast, but by hell are we going to stand by you and fight it with you. We will not leave you alone. <3 <3 <3

So please, if you struggle with mental health of any kind--reach out to a doctor or a therapist or a psychiatrist. Tell a trusted adult if you are unsure of how to go about this. Reach out to your close friends, family, significant other; let them know what’s happening and what you need. Work, work hard, and please please please don’t give up. Call a helpline if you are in crisis, and if you are planning to do something you cannot ever take back, please go to a hospital or call 911. I have been in the psych ward before, and it’s not the most fun place to be, but it’s far from the worst, and you have full access to all the help you need, and it can be enough just to keep you alive a smidge longer. And all those days you can manage to keep going add up over time, and you’ll be shocked at how far you’ve come.

I love you all, and you can leave an ask in my askbox if you want specific advice or clarification on anything I’ve said in here. And reach out to others in the community. And for those of you who aren’t going through this right now, or are in the space to help anyone you see who is struggling, please support each other. <3 <3 <3 This is what PMA is really about--it’s about the fight, and about the support.

You can do this. I promise you, you have it in you, even when you don’t feel like you do. It wouldn’t be called courage if there was no fear present in the first place. <3 <3 <3

~Jillian <3

#jacksepticeye #mental health #you left me #i love you guys so much #sorry for the rant lmao

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buffster · 7 years

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Something Blue (BTVS 4.09)

This is part of my ongoing Buffyverse Project, where I write notes/meta for every episode in an attempt to better understand the characters and themes of the shows. You can find the BTVS list here and the ATS list here. Gifs are not mine.

I loved that Something Blue allowed us to sympathize with both sides of the Willow vs. Scoobies conflict. I’m annoyed when Willow snaps at everyone and interrupts Buffy and Riley’s date, which forces me to recognize truth when Willow says no one wants to deal with her heartbreak anymore. The episode was also really funny.

We discover in the first scene that Willow has been going to Oz’s place alone. She’s clinging to the relationship and fully expects him to return. This is also when Riley and Buffy really get going, which has to be a painful reminder for Willow. I had forgotten about Willow and Buffy’s conversation in the graveyard and in hindsight find it pretty sad. Some of Buffy’s issues with Riley were already present but she basically never dealt with them. I don’t believe the implosion of their relationship was all on Riley. I think he sensed some real issues but just handled it all wrong.

Buffy: Riley seems so solid. Like he's not the type to give a girl grief.

Willow: Get out. Get out while there's still time.

Buffy: I know. I gotta get over the whole bad boy thing. There's no good there. Seeing Angel in L.A. - even for five minutes - hello to the pain.

Willow: The pain is not a friend.

Buffy: But then I can't help thinking, isn't that where the fire comes from? Can a nice, safe relationship be that intense? It's nuts, but part of me believes that real love and passion have to go hand in hand with lots of pain and fighting-

I’ve never gotten the bad boy thing. It’s all cool on television but in real life it’s dealing with a serial cheater at best and visiting a jail at worst. No, thanks. Anyway Buffy definitely has a thing with it which, if I wanted to get analytical, would say goes back to her father and her fear of healthy relationships. Riley could have been forever and committing to that is scary. But when you know Angel or Spike can’t last you don’t really have to commit or face your fears of ending up like your mother. I think Buffy has a lot of issues with Hank (made worse by her first relationship being a nightmare) that go unresolved. I’m not saying Riley and Buffy would have lasted forever, but I don’t think she ever really gave that idea a chance.

Buffy: That's it. The invalid amnesiac routine is over. Kitchens closed 'til you tell me something useful about the commandos.

Spike: I'm trying to remember. It was very traumatic.

Buffy: How long are you going to pull this crap?

Spike: How long am I gonna live once I tell you?

Many people have wondered why Buffy didn’t stake Spike in season four and consider it a plot hole. I don’t doubt wanting to keep James Marsters around was a contributing factor, but I think we can also find signs Buffy had something for Spike in this episode. I don’t think it was love--just a weird sense of companionship mixed with physical attraction. They’d been rivals for so long they were practically pals (and his affection for Drusilla had always made him seem pathetic and more human to everyone). When they take him prisoner Giles is content to ignore Spike but Buffy sits by the side of the bathtub and teases him. They’re already developing that classic trope of the two people who fight so much you just figure they’ll eventually screw. Giles even notes that if they don’t kill each other soon he might lend a hand.

Willow’s solution to the Spike problem is a truth spell. In season six her going straight for a magical solution would have raised eyebrows but now everyone thinks it’s brilliant. It was probably frustrating for Willow that her magical help abruptly became an issue.

Giles: Willow may have had a helpful idea. She seems to be coping better with Oz' departure, don't you think?

Buffy: She's still got a way to go, but yeah -I think she's dealing.

Spike: What are you people, blind? She's hanging on by a thread. Any ninny can see that.

There’s an interesting irony in Spike being so good at reading people he doesn’t care about in the slightest. He’s proven right when Willow returns to Oz’s room and finds his things gone. She’s devastated and returns to moping around until she finally decides to get drunk. Xander and Buffy don’t approve.

Xander: We’ve all got pain, Will--

Willow: Like what? Poor me, I live in a basement? Oh, yeah-that’s dire!

Buffy: I’m taking you home now.

Willow: I don’t want to--

Buffy: You’ll thank me when you still have a friend in the morning.

That made me so sad, especially given Xander’s usual attempts to cheer his friends up even when he’s feeling bad. It highlights a typical Xander issue--human problems tend to go unnoticed in all the supernatural chaos. Xander isn’t going to have a spell go awry and cause mass chaos when he’s upset so people just leave him to deal.

Willow: Isn’t there some way I can make it go away? Just ‘cause I say so? Can’t I make it go poof?

This quote points us to a major underlying issue of Willow’s: she doesn’t like to fix things the hard right way. She loves magic because (aside from the power) it allows her to take short cuts. She doesn’t want to take the long, hard, and human path to healing and (later) forgiveness. This episode is one where you can really see Willow slowly going down the rabbit hole with magic and no one realizes what’s going on.

Giles: A spell? I don't think it's wise for you to be doing that alone right now. Your energy is too unfocused.

Willow: That's not true. I said I was off. Not incompetent.

Giles: I only meant that you're grieving, and it might be best if you took a break from doing spells without supervision.

Willow: So I get punished 'cause I'm in pain.

Giles misses the main things Willow is saying here: one, she does not like to be thought of as incompetent and two, she considers taking a break from magic a punishment. Willow craves approval and is already too reliant on magic. She is also deeply insecure and seeks to use magic to fix that (”if I had any real power I could have made Oz stay with me”). Buffy starts to tell her that she doesn’t want Oz to stay because she forced him but gets distracted. We avoided an important question--does Willow have a problem with enslaving Oz?

Buffy: One more word out of you and I swear--

Spike: Swear what? You're not going to do anything to me. You don't have the stones.

Buffy: Oh, I've got the stones. I've got a whole...bunch of stones.

Spike: I get this spell reversed, they'll be finding your body for weeks.

Buffy: Make a move. Please. I'm dying for good slay.

The sexual tension is pretty blatant in this scene. They’re leaning towards each other and you half expect them to kiss. Buffy is clearly attracted to Spike but too proud and disgusted to ever do anything with him (and that’s if she ever even admitted it to herself).

We revisit the idea that our heroes are “doomed” when it comes to love. Willow calls Xander a demon magnet and causes him to literally attract demons because of her spell. Giles becomes blind, which was interesting because he does see things but often willfully ignores them. Buffy and Spike think they’re in love and getting married.

Buffy: My wedding! I'm getting married! Can you believe it?

Riley: I don't think "no" is a strong enough word.

Possibly my favorite scene was when Riley runs into Buffy and believes she’s getting married. I laugh every time. She manages to save face when the spell is over by claiming she was teasing him over his panic when he saw her looking at wedding dresses.

Xander: Something about Willow and her grief-y poor-me mood swings. So, so tired of it.

Anya: You mean I don't have to be nice to her anymore?

Buffy: We're all tired of it, but what's it have to do with what's going on?

I saw a post mentioning it’s pretty obvious Anya is autistic, which was like--lightbulb! I find her character annoying at times but one thing I identify with is her being a bit stumped by certain emotions and social appropriateness. Anyway, one big neon warning sign the Scoobies miss is Willow being offered vengeance demon status. Heartbreak is one thing, but being recognized as a possible force for never-ending vengeance is a whole other level that clearly points to some deeper issues. It doesn’t surprise me that Anya doesn’t think much of it; she probably thinks her similar capabilities are a normal way to feel. But the hatred and drive for that kind of thing isn’t something every human is capable of. After all, Cordelia was not given the offer after the Wishverse. But Willow turns down the offer and bakes everyone cookies and all is forgiven.

Other Best Quotes:

Buffy: Honey, we have to talk about invitations. Do you want to be "William the Bloody" or, like just "Spike"? 'Cause either way it's gonna look majorly weird.

Spike: Whereas the name "Buffy" gives it that touch of classic elegance.

Giles: Stop whatever you're doing. You smell like fruit roll-ups.

Spike: This is the crack team that foils my every plan? I am deeply shamed.

Character Notes:

Riley Finn: Buffy catches him helping hang a sign about the meeting of the UC Sunnydale Lesbian Alliance, telling us he’s a good, community-involved guy. He loves to cruise.

Anya Jenkins: When she sees Willow is sad she says she’d burn Oz’s entrails if she still had her powers. Xander says that’s sweet. Anya is able to help when a demon attacks. She was turned 1120 years ago.

Amy Madison: Willow’s spell briefly turns her back into a human, but she’s back in rat form before anyone sees.

Buffy Summers: Buffy still doesn’t know how to drive. When under the spell she asks Giles to give her away at her wedding rather than her father and wants ‘Wind Beneath My Wings’ for the first dance.

Rupert Giles: He’s touched Buffy wants him to give her away. Despite his reluctance when Willow was in high school Giles now depends on her help when it comes to magic.

#tracy forbes #willow rosenberg #buffy summers #Riley Finn #Xander Harris #anya jenkins #xander/anya #Buffy/Riley #rupert giles #amy madison #spike #buffy/spike #Daniel Osbourne #willow/oz #somethingblue

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consulting-celiac-in-the-tardis · 4 years

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5 Lessons From Celiac Disease That Help During the Coronavirus Outbreak

New blog post! I'm sure that most people can relate when I say that the last few weeks have felt as surreal as they have chaotic. The Coronavirus outbreak has meant I moved out of my apartment in Minnesota two months ahead of schedule, am now busy transitioning the college class I teach to be online and am receiving a very different ending to my grad school experience than I expected.

As overwhelming as this whirlwind of events has been, though, I've been trying to focus on gratitude and staying as positive as possible...which is why I started thinking about how living with celiac disease has actually made adapting to the new precautions for the Coronavirus outbreak a little easier. (Especially since otherwise healthy individuals with celiac disease are not at a higher risk for the Coronavirus). So in order to share a little light during this hectic time, I thought I would start my entry back into the blogging world (which I've definitely missed while my schedule was far too busy to write and post!) by sharing five ways living with celiac disease has helped me adapt a little easier to life during the Coronavirus outbreak.

Coronavirus Outbreak, Celiac Hack #1: Already knowing how to work with what you have in the kitchen.

As most people probably know from experience or news stories, in many parts of the United States (and the rest of the world, I'm assuming), many grocery shelves are bare as people have been stocking up. Personally, I flew back to Minnesota from my Spring Break in California (check out my Insta posts here for more fun details into my adventure before this chaos all began!) and immediately hit my local Aldi hours after I landed, and I had never seen so many things out of stock.

As a result, a lot of people may not be able to find their usual groceries, which requires a lil' bit more creativity in the kitchen.

And that's where the benefits of living with celiac disease come in.

Because when gluten, wheat and all of its cousins suddenly become off-limits, creativity in the kitchen is a must. So the idea of having to whip up a delicious dinner using only the foods still available at your local grocery store might not feel as intimidating for someone with celiac disease than it might for a creative-cooking newbie. ;)

Coronavirus Outbreak, Celiac Hack #2: Already knowing how to be innovative when connecting with others.

Besides empty grocery shelves, the biggest way the Coronavirus outbreak has affected my life (and many others) is by majorly limiting my face-to-face social activity. Even though I was never a huge extrovert, I still interacted with people daily at the gym or while attending and teaching college classes, so shifting to only interacting with family members living in the same house has been a major shift. But as I've reflected over the past week, I've realized that I'm somewhat used to being creative in how I connect with others...and I believe many with celiac disease can relate. After all, one of the most common ways for people to spend time together is to "break bread"...and celiac disease doesn't make that easy.

So we're often forced to get creative. We go to restaurants with loved ones for the company instead of the food. I invite friends for walks (or even rollerskating!) instead of coffee shop dates, and I consider many of the Instagram connections I've made in the gluten free community real friends, even though I've never met them in real life. And in the time of social distancing, I think that kind of adaptability can actually work to our advantage. I know I've found comfort checking in with friends on Instagram (my DMs are always open, even if I may be a bit slow to respond!) and look forward to getting creative with family baking adventures, FaceTime "parties" with friends and more fun Insta challenges (considering I've already been tagged to complete the push-up challenge, I'm sure more will come my way!).

Coronavirus Outbreak, Celiac Hack #3: Having experience making my OWN definition of a "healthy lifestyle."

Right now, at least in the health and wellness bubble I often occupy on social media, it seems like "healthy living" is a lot harder to achieve than normal. Gyms are closed, fresh produce may be limited and some people aren't even allowed to leave their house to get in some steps. As a result, I know I've been having a little anxiety about not being "active enough" or eating too much comfort foods (thank youuuu stress), and from just a quick glance on Instagram, I know I'm not alone.

However, I've already needed to re-define my definition of "healthy" in the past, like when I was diagnosed with celiac disease. Suddenly, whole wheat and whole grain were the LEAST healthy items I could add to my shopping cart, and when I was dangerously malnourished initially after my celiac diagnosis, exercise was also not the "healthiest" activity I could have done.

From back during my hospitalization in 2013...

So I'm trying to apply a similar mindset shift to the Coronavirus outbreak. Maybe we can't move our bodies as much as usual...but perhaps this can be a rejuvenating time for rest and different forms of exercise, if we feel like it. And maybe we can't eat the "healthiest" diet...but when there are countless lives at stake, should that really be a priority?

Obviously, I'm not a professional in nutrition, mental health, exercise or really anything regarding the Coronavirus outbreak and general health. But I have realized how empowering it is to define "healthy" in a way that actually lets you feel your best instead of constantly feeling "not enough"...and I believe many people living with celiac disease or other chronic illnesses can relate.

Coronavirus Outbreak, Celiac Hack #4: Already knowing how to openly discuss your needs with others...especially, housemates.

Another major way life has changed since the Coronavirus outbreak? Many people are now quarantined in their houses...often with other people. And at least in my experience of sharing a small apartment with 3+ other girls for almost a year, that level of constant cohabitation requires a LOT of open communication.

And like you can probably guess...living with celiac disease can def help with that. ;) After all, when you have celiac disease, you don't just need to communicate your dietary needs to family. You need to talk to friends and significant others, waiters and chefs, food company owners and, of course, anyone who uses your kitchen. So while I definitely wouldn't say I - or anyone else with celiac disease - automatically nail every communication opportunity, I do think having experience stating your needs can make spending a lot of quality time with people a lil' easier. So thank you celiac disease for that!

Coronavirus Outbreak, Celiac Hack #5: Regularly getting excited over little things in life.

If you've ever jumped up and down in a grocery store because you finally found that delicious food you've spent months looking for, you probably have celiac disease or other dietary restrictions. Personally, I've cried over not having any good tasting gluten free tortillas, and I've definitely done happy dances in public when I discovered a new gluten free restaurant or product in my local grocery store. The benefit of these experiences? I've learned that little things in life - like finding some damn tasty GF tortillas - are worth celebrating and being grateful for. And at a time in the world when a lot of our usual daily activities are frustratingly off-limits, I think this mindset is more important than ever.

From the delicious Gluten Free Gem in Portland

The Bottom Line of How Celiac Disease is Helping Me Cope with the Coronavirus Outbreak

I don't want to make it seem like I'm feeling super grateful and happy every hour of the day since the Coronavirus outbreaks started. I miss talking to grad school friends and my students, face-to-face. I miss being able to buy toilet paper without a second thought. And I definitely miss being able to go to the gym - my favorite mental escape. But I'm trying to cultivate as positive a mindset as possible, and like I've shared in this post, I think living with celiac disease - or perhaps any chronic illness - definitely helps with that. Because of celiac disease, I've learned how to be adaptable. How to be transparent about my needs with others and find joy in little moments. (Not to mention that gluten free food doesn't seem to be flying off the shelves as quickly as their gluten-filled counterparts.)

And if you have celiac disease, I hope this post reminds you of ALL the badass skills and swagger your chronic illness has given you - and that you can (and should!) take advantage of those skills during this trying time. So stay safe and healthy, and know I'm sending lots of gluten free love your way! And to help us all get some socialization during social distancing, tell me in the comments how you're doing with the Coronavirus outbreak or what skills celiac disease has taught you! via Blogger https://ift.tt/3bmfLdM

#Blogger #college #celiac #gluten free #coeliac #celiacs #paleo #primal #foodporn #foodart

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princesslov27 · 7 years

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Immortal Game Chapter 23

Chapter 23

Friend Time

“What do you want, pizza, sushi, chinese, or mexican?”

“First three all sound good. Or maybe you order some sushi, I’ll order some Chinese, and we share the meal and just eat any and everything.”

“Sushi and Chinese sound good to me.”

She grins and calls her favorite place for Chinese and started to get all the things she knew she liked. While she did that N order from a sushi restaurant just a block away. She grins. After a few minutes both of them were done ordering. She stretches out. While they waited for their food N fed the dogs. She watched. It was very nice. The puppies scurried over to eat. She grins. Half an hour later their own food arrived and N paid for it. She paid him back.

"Oh there is no need to, it didn't cost a lot," he said handing her back the money.

She smiles a little. “You’re nice.”

He chuckled a little. She sat to eat with him. The puppies soon got interested in their food rather than their own. She laughs.

“Are they always like this?”

“Pretty much.”

She snorts.

“They’re just curious.”

“That’s cute.”

He nods a little, it was at that. She continued to eat. N ate too but made sure the puppies never got any. She smiled. When he was done N put the leftovers away and cleaned up.

“You’re amazing.”

“Well I’m not like some bachelors that is true.”

She snorts.

“What?”

“You don’t have to act like anything. You are amazing and you won’t be a bachelor for long I’m sure.”

“I should hope not, my parents keep asking for grandkids.”

She laughs. He smiles a bit. N wasn’t rushing to get married though. It would happen when he found the right person. She pets the puppies more. They nuzzled her hand and licked it, it smelled like the strange food. She sighs.

“I should probably go.”

“Alright, call me if you need anything.”

“Promise.”

He smiles at her. She pet Thor. Thor didn’t want to leave but after saying goodbye to his mate and his puppies he left with her. She sighs in relief.

“Thank God.”

“Sorry,” Mumbled Thor.

“It worked okay.”

He nods a little and rubbed against her. She smiles at him. Thor was happy they’d made the visit.

“Another time.”

He nods a little. She drove back. Thor was quiet in his seat. She picked him up and set him in Victoria’s bed when they got back. Thor curled up in the bed. She curled up to him. He gave her a little lick. She smiles at that. Thor then fell asleep. She fell asleep. She was awoken by the sound of breaking glass. She jumped up in horror. A rock had been thrown through her window and had almost hit her. She stared at it, shivering and trying to not cry. Thor had woken up and growled at the window. But she couldn’t help it and did start crying. Thor rubbed against her. She hugs him. She calls Victoria. Victoria groaned but answered her phone.

“Yeah?” she mumbled.

“How are you not terrified?” she cried.

“Hu? Of what, what are you talking about?”

“I nearly got attacked with a giant rock.”

“Oh.”

“How can you live here with him defacing the place and sneaking in and all this stuff and not be terrified?”

“Cuz it’s U-Kwon, he’s not actually gonna hurt me. He’d get into big trouble.”

“How would U-Kwon get in trouble?”

“Dad has made it a rule, we are not allowed to hurt each other. If we do then we get majorly punished.”

“I see...”

“So yeah, he wouldn’t hurt ya.”

“Yeah he’ll just scare me to death.”

“You really have no balls do ya?”

She sighs a little. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine, just thought you would’ve since you’re supposed to be the heir.”

“I...” she sighs. “It’s complicated.”

“I know.”

“Thanks.”

“So don’t let U-Kwon scare you. Particularly when you’re around him. It’ll give you away.”

“Okay.”

“He just gets off on it if you’re actually scared.”

“Gross.”

“Not sexually, I just meant he enjoys making people scared.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“Alright. I get it.”

“Good.”

“I promise to try.”

“I know ya will.”

“I’m sorry for waking you.”

“It’s okay.”

“Bye.”

“Night.”

She tried to go back to sleep. Thor nudged her a little and curled up to her. She hugs him tightly. Thor snuggled up happy. She sighs in relief. Thor fell asleep after she did. She eventually fell asleep. The following morning was wet cold and raining. She woke up freezing due to the window. Victoria was in her kitchen cooking and she had brought a new piece of glass with her. She’d put it in once Krystal was out of the room. This had happened a lot, so often that she could replace the window herself. Krystal blinks.

“Did you not go to sleep?”

“I did, I just had to get up early for something.”

“Oh of course.”

“So, have you gone back to the house yet?”

“Which house?”

“Mine, as in the one my family lives at.”

“No. Yesterday I spent it with Thor and N.”

“Oh, when are you going back?”

“I don’t really want to.”

Victoria sighed inwardly and nodded.

“You can’t tell me you wanna go back to my palace.”

“It would depend on the situation.”

She sighs a little.

“You aren’t at all curious as to what goes on in my family or what happened to the girl?”

“I actually want nothing to do with any of them. For that reason alone.”

Victoria nods a little. Well there was nothing she could do about it.

“And trying to convince anyone that for the girl or anyone else kidnapped in that way that any sort of horrible that could and probably have happened before the person ‘gives in to the forced way of life for them now’ is totally okay and actually is the best thing for this person is just trying to make an excuse to yourself and others as to why it’s okay to do that.”

“Did I say that it was okay or that I agreed with it!?” Victoria snapped a little.

She sighs.

“Sorry,” she mumbled. “I should go anyways.”

Krystal went over and hugs Victoria.

“I have to go, call if you need something,” She said and left after only giving Thor a small pat.

Krystal sighs. Thor whined a little. He knew Victoria was upset.

“I’m sorry buddy.”

“You know she doesn’t like it anymore than you do.”

“Yeah...”

Thor nods a little. She scratches Thor. He rubbed against her hand.

“I’m sorry buddy,” she said again.

“It’s okay.”

"Really?"

“She’s just mad at herself.”

“Wae? She didn’t make it up.”

“Because she put you in that position.”

Krystal looks down. “No.”

“What do you mean no?”

“She didn’t put me in it. Someone else switched us.”

“Technically she did, she could’ve said no to participate in it once she was no longer the heir.”

She sighs a little. Thor smiles a little and rubbed against her. She pet him more.

“You’ve got three days ya know.”

“Till what?”

“Till you have no say in what happens to that girl.”

“I thought I didn’t have any say anyway.”

“What gave you that idea?”

“Because of how her family is.”

“You nabbed her, along with one of her brothers. Both of you have a voice for three days as to what happens. After that the clan leader chooses what happens.”

She bit her lips and nods. Thor settled down then, settling down next to the fireplace.

“Do we go?”

“It’s up to you.”

She groans. This sucked. Thor just let her think, he didn’t want to bother her.

“This makes it awful.”

“If it helps Victoria doesn’t always do the same thing. It depends on the person and what they’ve done.”

“But what has this child done?”

“From what I’ve heard, she’s depressed at what it is to be a vamp and almost exposed herself to humans.”

“She’s not in his clan, that’s not his place to decide it’s not okay. And furthermore, everyone wants to expose themselves at some point.”

“Yes well, Victoria’s clan also isn’t on good terms with that clan so….”

“And that’s what I’m saying.”

“So he likes to show his power over clans he doesn’t like.”

“He’s an ass.”

Thor shrugged a little. She groans.

“Just forget about it, you don’t have to go back.”

“Fine. I’ll be a bitch but whatever. It’s not like he’s not been an ass before.”

Thor tried not to laugh.

“Yes that is true.”

She gave a small smile.

“What do you want to eat?”

“Steak!”

“Alright. Steak it is,” she responds and began to make steak for Thor. She still couldn’t cope with this whole situation.

He grinned. She finished after awhile and set it down for him. Thor dug into it happily.

“You a happy boy?”

"Very."

“I’m glad.”

Thor grinned. She got up to eat herself. Thor are his steak happily. She pet him. Thor rubbed against her happy.

“It’s nice you accept me.”

"You're nice so yeah, I would."

“Thanks Thor. I think I screwed up the only friendship I have right now in this position in Victoria.”

"With who?"

“With Victoria I mean.”

"Over the kidnapping thing?"

“Yes...”

“You didn’t lose her. It’s just one of those things where she wished she was in her own body.”

“Yeah...”

“Trust me.”

“Okay.”

He smiles a little.

“I trust you.”

“Good.”

She sighs. Thor curled up next to her. She finished eating and curls up to him.

“You’re not going to work?”

She sighs, “Yeah I should.”

“See you at five then.”

She got Victoria’s stuff and left. The employees at the the company smiled and waved to her as she walked in. She waved back. When she got to her desk there was already loads of messages and emails. She began to work, finding this easy. There was a lot going on that day, actually that work. But to her it wasn’t enough. She missed being herself. Although today she did have a lot of errands to run. She sighs and got to work. Leo did show up that afternoon, Victoria had sent him to pick up the outfits for the rest of the tour. Krystal beams at him.

“Who’s this?” One of her coworker asked as she eyed the VERY handsome, VERY sexy Leo.

“My friend.”

“No, really!”

“My friend Leo.”

“You two aren’t dating?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Um well maybe someday who knows?” she mumbled knowing to her it wasn’t true but she didn’t know about Victoria.

Her coworker nods. She looks back at Leo. He gave her a smile. She just hoped they wouldn’t use her body.... She winces. She wanted to save herself for her husband.

“Something wrong?”

“No. Just thought of something.”

Leo nods a little.

“Be careful.”

“I am.”

“Okay.”

Leo smiles at her.

“Cya.”

“Yep, good luck.”

“I hope so.”

He smiles and then left after getting the outfits. She could actually see Leo and Victoria. Victoria was an hour into a meeting. She didn’t really enjoy meetings but it was part of the job. Leo came in holding up the outfits. She nods with a little smile. He sat down. The meeting went on for another hour before it was done and she stretched when it was done.

“Great job.”

“Thanks.”

He kisses her hand. Victoria smiles a little. He helped her back to Krystal’s office.

“How was the company?”

“Krystal was fine.”

She nods a little.

“You’re both doing well.”

Victoria gave a half smile.

“I just wish we knew how to change you two back.”

“Me too.”

He went to sit in his corner.

“I don’t suppose you have any ideas?”

“On what?”

“How to turn us back.”

“Sadly no.”

She nods a little.

“If I did, I’d be working on it.”

Victoria nods.

“I’d like it for you two to be normal again.”

“I think both of us would.”

“It’s odd staring at my best friend’s body and knowing it’s not her soul in there, and the person who is... I like differently,” he stopped himself from saying am attracted to.

She smiled a little.

“It is really weird being in her body.”

“Cuz it’s not you.”

She nods. He smiles a little. Victoria stretched, things were going along well now and knew that soon there would be enough people to help do Krystal’s job. Seriously, Krystal did the work of at least six people. Leo chuckles.

“Seriously, why didn’t you tell her to not take on so much?”

“Because she was happy.”

“And had no time to sleep.”

“True.”

“I’m surprised she never got sick.”

“She ate properly.”

She nods a little. Leo pat her. Victoria gave him a little smile. Whenever she did return to herself things wouldn’t be the same.

“Krystal’s not changing your workload.”

“I know.”

“But now you’ll have gotten used to lots of work.”

“True…”

Leo chuckles.

“Well it is what it is.”

"Quite true."

She gave a half smile. He kisses her hand again. Victoria tried not to blush. He went back to just his corner to watch over her. She returned to work trying to just focus on that. He watched her though. Victoria just worked away, still a lot to do for the day. He sat back, waiting for her to finish. After several long hours Victoria finally was done and she turned off the computer.

"Shall we go?"

Victoria nodded and grabbed her bag. Leo followed her out, being the gentleman that he was. She headed out and down the stairs to the lobby before she headed to the car. He let her in and then drove to a restaurant. Victoria settled in and ordered what she usually got. He nods and ordered the special of the day. The waiter nodded and then left to put their order in. He watched her.

“Yes?” Victoria asked noticing he was kind of staring at her.

"You're just nice to look at."

“It’s Krystal’s face, you’ve seen it for years.”

"And it's you inside."

“Yeah…”

"You fascinate me."

“Oh……”

He smiles at her. Victoria gave a little smile. He smiled back and winks at her. She hid a blush behind her wine as she took a sip. He drank his soda.

“So….you don’t have siblings?”

“I do. I just don’t see ‘em.”

“Why not?”

“Same reason I don’t see the rest of my family, I’m cast out of it and therefore not allowed to.”

“Oh……”

“Well I could but they would probably attack me.”

“That’s sad.”

“It’s how it is.”

She nods a little, Victoria knew that all too well.

“I don’t hate it but I do wish I knew the younger ones.”

“Well some things just don’t happen.”

“Yeah.”

She gave a half smile. He smiles back. Just then the food arrived and Victoria dug into hers. Leo ate slowly. The food was amazing, Victoria had gotten a strawberry, walnut and spinach salad as her appetizer and then her entry was crab tortellini and she’d gotten a tiramisu as her dessert. Leo grins as he watched her. Victoria could’ve eaten at least three portions of all of the dishes but that would just look strange. Leo pats her head. She gave him a little smile, she felt bad for him but at the same time she knew what it was like. He finished his food and ordered double and triple of everything she’d ordered to go before paying. The seconds came about ten minutes later. He smiles and let her hold the food on the way back, he was giving it to her of course. She took it and headed back to the car. He drove them back to the dorm. When they arrived Victoria got out and left the food in the car.

“It’s yours.”

“Oh…...thanks.”

“Of course.”

“See you tomorrow.”

“Alright darling.”

She smiles a little and headed inside. She put the food in the fridge and then crawled into bed very tired. Leo finally slept that night. That night was very quiet not a sound from anywhere. During the night the yin yang switched sides and the two of their souls switched back. Victoria shifted a little in her sleep and unknowingly curled up to Thor. Krystal snuggles up reaching for Thor and blinks in confusion at not finding him but sighs and went back to sleep. When Victoria’s alarm went off and she noticed the time she swore she was late, why hadn’t Leo woken her up. It wasn’t until she was standing in front of the mirror that she realized she was back in her own body! Thor wagged his tail. Victoria squealed and gave him a big hug, she missed him so much. He blinks and licks her in confusion.

“It’s me Thor, I’m back.”

“You are?”

“Yes, I am!”

“How?”

"I don't know."

He licks her, happy she was back. Victoria smiles and pet him, she was happy to be in her own body too.

"Food!"

Victoria laughed, "Okay, okay," She said as she pet him and then went to go get his food.

He grins. Victoria got Thor his food and then went to her fridge and got some blood out. She drank a unit and added another to her pancakes, she missed the taste of blood so badly. Thor nods.

“It is you.”

She chuckled.

“Yes it is.”

“Cuz Krystal doesn’t like the blood.”

“Yep, I know.”

“So is this over?”

“I think so….”

“Yay!”

She laughed and pet him. He rubs against her. Victoria smiled and pet him. She was very happy to be in her own body. He barks. She laughed and gave him a kiss. He licks her. She pet him and made sure he had enough food and water before she left for the day. When she got to the office it just felt different. She’d stopped at her coffee shop to get her coffee and then settled in, trying to figure out what was different. Krystal's organization was what was different. Victoria finally noticed and quickly returned things to how she liked them, that way she could find everything.

"Krystal or Victoria?" her best friend asked as she leaned over the desk.

“Hu? How did you know?”

"You're messing with the organization, again."

“Oh...Victoria. Don’t ask me how.”

Eunji shook her head in amazement.

“Yeah….I just woke up and was back to myself.”

“So you’re completely back to normal?”

“I think so.”

“Well that’s always good.”

“Yep.”

Eunji grins. “So dancing?”

“Uh...sure.”

“Great. We’ll go to the bar later.”

“Still trying to get me to hook up?” she teased a little.

“Of course.”

“Did you forget that I’m engaged?”

“You don’t like him.”

“Huh?”

“You don’t. Well maybe you don’t mind him, but if you actually like him, as if.”

“I’ve never met him.”

“Fine...”

“Krystal was the one who met him.”

“Fine. But you know, if you choose him, it’s just cuz you are pleasing your family.”

“I know.”

“That’s not love.”

“Neither is kicking me out of the clan.”

“Which your dad would do in a heartbeat.”

“If I don’t marry the guy yeah.”

She sighs.

“Why do you even want to stay there?”

“It’s the only way I’d get to see my Mom, once I leave I can’t see her ever again.”

Eunji sighs.

“Would you really leave?”

“I don’t have that problem.”

“Lucky you.”

“Indeed.”

“I just…” she sighed. “I don’t know.”

“Why?”

“Do you even know exactly what would happen if I left?”

“No.”

“I would have absolutely nothing, no place to live, no money, no belongings. Just Thor and whatever I’m wearing the day I leave, and then I’d get killed in a month or two.

“You won’t get killed.”

“A lone vamp doesn’t last long on their own.”

“You have all of us.”

She gave a half smile.

“How are we not important to you?”

“I never said you weren’t.”

“You act like it. And like we couldn’t protect you.”

She sighed.

“That’s not what I mean.”

“Then what do you mean?”

“You are all important to me but I don’t want to put you in that position.”

“But you’re important to us so we will for you.”

She nods a little. Eunji smiles. Victoria gave her a little smile as she finished rearranging everything.

“Cya later.”

“Yep.”

Eunji grins brightly. Victoria chuckled a little. Eunji skips off. Victoria got to work, happy to be doing the work she loved so much. But she couldn’t help but think about leaving the clan. Krystal came at lunch and hugs her.

"I can't believe it."

"Me neither!"

"But it might not be over."

"Yeah......"

"Cuz the tattoo's still there."

"Maybe it will just go away."

"I woulda thought it would the moment we switched back..."

"I don't know."

"I hope it's over."

“Me too.”

"I missed being me."

“Dido.”

She hugs Victoria tightly. Victoria smiles and hugged her back.

“So meet up at N’s this afternoon to pick up the puppies?”

She squeals. “Yes!”

Victoria laughs a little.

“I can’t wait for my own.”

“I can tell.”

Krystal beams.

“So, like the changes I made?”

“It’s a change but... not bad.”

“Good.”

“I just feel too bored at times though.”

“Yeah well….I suppose you could do more with the band then.”

“True.”

“Besides isn’t that what you originally wanted?”

“Yeah... true.”

“So now you can.”

“Thanks.”

“You’re welcome.”

She smiles a little and then Leo kisses Victoria’s hand as they left. Victoria gave him a little smile. He went with Krystal. But halfway through the afternoon, the yin yang signs returned to how they’d been and their souls switched. Victoria blinked and looked around before she slammed her head against the desk utterly annoyed and pissed off. Leo looks at her and raises an eyebrow.

“Something wrong.... Victoria?”

“Yes it’s me!” she sighed. “Seriously can’t I at least have a day in my own body!”

“Guess not.”

“Arg, this is so frustrating.”

“Sorry.”

“Not your fault.”

“True.”

She sighed but looked to see what Krystal had been in the middle of. She had been in the middle of lyrics. Victoria groaned and put that away. She didn’t write lyrics. Leo chuckles. Victoria got something else out and worked on that. Krystal groans. On Victoria’s screen was a calender that she was sorting out with another one she had sitting on her desk. Krystal began to look between the two. There was still a big differences between them. Krystal tried to figure out what that difference was. Most of it was various meetings and dinner plans. Krystal nods and began to figure out how to make a calendar that had both for Victoria. The computer program was a little tricky but after some time she figured it out. She smiles and got to work. She was about halfway done when something popped up in the right hand corner of her screen. She blinks and looks over to it. It was a series of traffic photos. Krystal clicks on them in confusion. They were photos of her brother Daehyun, the day he’d been kidnapped. It was him alone at first and then photos of him being kidnapped. Krystal stares in confusion. Why was Victoria getting this stuff and from where? There was just an email address attached to the photos. She looks at the email.

“Finally found what you were looking for, hope this helps. Good luck. ~Redeye.”

“Redeye?” she asks herself before sending a text to Victoria in confusion.

“He’s a hacker,” she sent back, “And a friend, he can get just anything I need from the internet.”

“Why were you looking for Daehyun?”

“Told ya I would figure out who took him.”

“Oh.... Thanks.”

“Welcome.”

“It still doesn’t help me really figure it out. I do see him being kidnapped...”

“There should be a name coming soon. If he hasn’t found it yet.”

“Thanks.”

“Of course.”

“I love you.”

Victoria laughed a little.

“No this is the nicest thing ever.”

“I told ya I would do it.”

She wipes her eyes. “I just love you.”

Victoria laughed a little.

“You are even amazing to do this.”

She shrugged a little.

“It’s not hard.”

“I still have to finish your place.”

“You don’t have to.”

“I do.”

“Seriously, stop worrying about it.”

“I can’t.”

Victoria sighed but didn’t say anything.

“I want you to be comfortable.”

“I am.”

“But this is a place all to your own.”

“I know…”

“I’ll work with L to make it everything you want.”

“Don’t worry about it, seriously. Yes I like the house but you don’t need to be working on it.”

“Why? Why are you forsaking it?”

“I’m not.”

“You seem like it.”

“I’ll work on it later.”

“So what do I get to do for you?”

“Nothing. You don’t have to do anything.”

“That’s weird.”

"Why is it weird?"

"You do all this stuff for me but I'm not allowed to do anything in return?"

"I'm not doing a lot and I didn't say you couldn't do anything."

"You did what you said you'd do and more but you keep telling me not to."

"Fine....." she mumbled

"It'll be amazing for you."

"Thanks...."

"You're welcome."

"Just.....leave me something to do."

"Oh your place?"

"Yes."

"Okay. Since you insist."

"Thanks."

She grins.

"Good luck with work."

"You too."

"Thanks."

"Of course."

"Talk to ya later."

“Cya.”

"Yep," she said and ended the call.

Leo looks at her.

“What?”

"You're sexy."

"You do realize that you're actually calling Krystal sexy."

"No. You are. I really wanted to kiss you earlier today. As yourself."

"Oh..."

He winks at her. Victoria hid behind the computer to hide her blush. He went back to his book. But he was happy to have been able to tell her. Leo worked on his own work. Finally she was done for the day and headed to the dorm. Leo didn't drive them there, but to N's. Victoria had almost forgotten that but smiled a little when she saw Krystal. Krystal beams back and ran to hug her again. Victoria laughed and hugged her.

"Puppies!"

Victoria laughed. "Yes, puppies."

Krystal beams.

"Come on, I'm sure N is waiting for us."

She skips to the door. Victoria followed her and knocked. The puppies ran to it. N chuckled and pushed them out of the way as he carefully opened the door so they wouldn’t escape. Their tails wagged all over and they jumped on the girls and Leo. N smiles at the girls and let them in, hurriedly closing the door behind them. Leo made sure all were inside. Then Krystal began playing with the puppies.

“Here to choose and pick up your puppy?”

“Yes! I mean yes.”

N laughed.

“Well none of them have been taken yet so you both have first pick.”

Krystal grins. She looks for her girl knowing she’d need Victoria to get it but then suddenly, she was herself again. Victoria blinked and then looked back at Krystal. Seriously this was annoying. Krystal gave a half smile and went to her girl. The puppy ran around her and rubbed against her. She picks it up and grins. The puppy wiggled around in her arms and licked her face. She giggles and pet her happily. The puppy rubbed against her. She pet it happily. The little puppy barked and rubbed against her. She giggles. The puppy wagged it's tail happily. She kisses her more, so happy to have her.

“What are you gonna name your’s?” N asked.

She thought about it and grins. "Soul Pearl."

“That’s a unique name.”

"Yeah but I'm going through a unique time right now."

“Aw...guess that works.”

She nods and ran her hand over the puppy again. Soul Pearl smiles and rubbed against her happily. Krystal pet her more. Soul Pearl turned over on her back, wanting a tummy rub. Krystal gave her a big one and scratched her ears. Soul Pearl wagged her tail happily.

“She’s soooo cute!”

“Yep, she is at that.”

“My girl.”

The puppy barked and rolled over. She pet her more. Soul Pearl nipped at her hand. She laughs. Victoria’s puppy was the very opposite of Krystal’s, not as hyper or energetic. He was the calm one of the litter.

“Thor will love that.”

“Yep, Thor is already hyper enough.”

Krystal laughs but nods.

“Make sure you lock things up you don’t want to get damaged.”

“Got it.”

“Yeah, they’re curious and like to see what they can play with,” N said.

“They’re cute.”

He chuckles a little.

“Yes that is very true.”

“I love them.”

“Me too.”

She smiles at him.

“Krystal since you don’t already have a dog I left a starter puppy kit by the front door for you. Of course you’ll need to get more stuff but that should be okay for a couple days.”

She beams and hugs him. “You’re the best.”

He laughed.

“You’re welcome.”

“Soul Pearl, wanna go home?”

Soul Pearl barked and wagged her tail. She smiles and walked them to the front door. Soul Pearl ran around excited. She picks Soul Pearl up and Leo had the stuff and left with them. Soul Pearl looked around as they left the house eager to look at everything. Krystal kept a tight hold on her. Soul Pearl tried to crawl up onto her shoulder. She set the dog there when they were safely in the car. Soul Pearl crawled around exploring the car. She grins at that. After a few moments Soul Pearl spotted the puppy bag L had created. Krystal picks up the bag and Soul Pearl to find out what was in it. There was puppy food, a few toys, house pads and a small bed although the bed looked like Soul Pearl would grow out of it in a month or so. She smiles and grins. Soul Pearl found the ball and started rolling it around.

“I’ll roll it with you when we get home.”

Soul Pearl hit the ball with her nose and it bounced and hit the seat. She laughs at that and grins. Soul Pearl blinked and tried to roll the ball again but it bounced yet again. Krystal picked the ball up and kisses Soul Pearl as Leo parked the car. She got out and brought Soul Pearl inside, rolling the ball on the floor after setting Soul Pearl down. Soul Pearl instantly started running around the the place, chasing the ball.

“Whoa, what is that?” Luna exclaimed as she nearly tripped over Soul Pearl.

“Her name is Soul Pearl and she’s my... well our new puppy.”

“Where did ya get it?”

“From Victoria’s friend, N.”

“Aw…”

She smiles.

“Please tell me you have some sort of kennel for when we’re all gone.”

“I’ll get it. I don’t have it now. And I want it to be the best.”

“Okay good.”

She went over and pet Soul Pearl. Soul Pearl barked and rubbed against her. She sat to play with her. Soul Pearl crawled around her. She smiles and turns on the tv. Soul Pearl didn’t stay still though she eventually crawled all and ran around again exploring, she had a ton of energy. Krystal smiles, getting up to show her everything and everyone. Soul Pearl was excited, it was all so new and interesting. Amber grins and switched forms to play with Soul Pearl. Soul Pearl looked at the new animal in the room, now curious. Amber grins and rubs against her. Soul Pearl jumped and tried to climb onto her. Amber gave a wolf laugh but lay down so she could. Soul Pearl jumped up onto her back and crawled around. Amber stood up and walked around with her that way. Soul Pearl held on and wagged her tail, this was fun. Amber grins and continues to play with the dog. Eventually Soul Pearl fell asleep on Amber’s back. Amber laughs, returned to human and grabbed the puppy bringing her in front of her. Soul Pearl curled up in her arms. She smiles at that.

“She’s so cute.”

“That she is,” Luna added, “I just hope she doesn’t destroy any of our things.”

“I’ll do my best to prevent that,’ Krystal replies.

“I’m sure you will.”

“I so wanted a pet.”

“We know. And now you have the time.”

Krystal held the puppy and went to her room to sleep with it. Soul Pearl curled up sleeping happily. She smiles, happy. Victoria was just getting ready to go out with Eunji when she got a call from L.

“Hey, what’s up.”

“You need to get to your cabin, I came to drop stuff off and it’s ablaze, someone set it on fire!” He yelled. It was clear he was on an earpiece as he was trying to put out the fire and she could hear something crashing.

“WHAT!? I’ll be right there.”

Victoria had spent years working on the house, she wasn’t about to let it burn down. L kept trying to put the fire out. Krystal arrived a few minutes later and quickly tried to help but no matter how much water or dirt they threw on the fire it didn’t help, the flames just grew higher and hotter. He frowns.

“What the hell was used?”

“Gasoline,” She said with a sigh. She could smell it.

L sighs. “Great. Krystal and I and you... worked so hard. How the hell did that fucker find it?”

“Who knows.”

He groans and kicks a tree.

“Forget about it, thanks for trying to put it out.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Can’t be helped now. I’ll clean it up in the morning,when it’s all cool.”

“I’ll help.”

She gave a small smile.

“Thanks.”

“I’m really sorry.”

“I know.”

“I’ll help you remake it too.”

“I don’t have the money to remake it. Not really. I spent most of my savings making it.”

“Asshole.”

“He likes to make a point.”

“I guess so.”

“Go home L, I’ll see you later.”

He looks down and sighs before leaving. He hated when she did this. Victoria didn't leave though, she was too in shock to leave. She just stood their in front of her burned down house staring at it. L hated leaving but he got that she wanted no one's help, that she hated even the thought. Little did he know that he was wrong. Victoria just wanted to be alone. This had hurt more than anything U-kwon had ever done and she was embarrassed to tell him that she had no more money. Krystal was still looking for things for Victoria's place while lying in bed with the puppy. Her puppy though was now awake again and crawling around her. She grins. She'd closed the door, putting the bed and such on the floor so her girl could explore but not leave the room. Soul Pearl started to explore the room. She grins at that. Soul Pearl found the dirty clothes and started rolling around in them. Krystal saw and laughed. She sent the video to Victoria, sending a text asking afterwards what she wanted. Victoria didn't see it though. Krystal frowns after a bit and calls Victoria. It wasn't until the sixth ring that Victoria picked up.

"What?"

"Okay now I'm really worried about you. Where are you?"

"In the woods."

"I'll be right there."

"Go back to sleep Krystal."

"No way!"

"Fine....." she mumbled.

"Victoria, you're trying to push me away but I've been you. I know what the hell is going on when you act like this and it isn't good. You push everyone away so you can wallow in self pity."

"I don't wallow, I would just rather not have people see me when I'm weak."

"And I am you part of the time so you have to deal."

"Fine......."

Krystal got up, and ran to where Victoria was. She gasps.

"Asshole!!!"

"It's U-kwon for ya."

Krystal hugs her. "He's an ass. But we'll make it bigger and better and in a different spot."

"I can't. I don't have the money."

"And I do. Victoria, me spending money isn't bad."

"You shouldn't be spending your money on my house."

"I can spend my money how I want to."

Victoria sighed but nods. That was true.

"And I'm spending it on you because I want to and no I don't expect to you pay me back. Do I make myself clear?"

“Yes,” she mumbles.

Krystal smiles a little and leans into Victoria.

“I don’t know how he found this place.”

“Neither do I.”

She nods a little.

“It sucks.”

“It’ll be good though.”

Victoria gave a half smile.

“We’ll make it all over, exactly how you want it.”

Victoria nods a little, it had almost been done. Another month or so and it would’ve been done.

“I know. This is awful.”

She smiles a little.

“But we’ll get it. I promise.”

“I know…”

She smirks. “Well now we can make it even better.”

“I don’t want to spend a lot of your money. I’ll just go with my original design.”

“Alright. But somewhere else.”

Victoria nods, otherwise U-Kwon would burn it down again. Krystal squeezes her hand.

“Please don’t say anything to anyone about this.”

“Alright.”

“Thanks.”

“As long as you trust me.”

“Yeah. I do…”

“Sure?”

“I’ll email you my plans and all the stuff I have saved all over the years.”

She grins. “Sounds great.”

She gave a little smile.

“I should head back, see you later.”

“Looking forward to it.”

Victoria gave a small smile and left, heading back to her place. Krystal finally headed back. When Victoria got back she just crawled into bed and pulled her puppy close. He whined a little worried. She gave him a little kiss. He licks her. She gave him a little kiss and soon fell asleep. She had been seriously considering leaving the clan and staying in the house but now...now she had nowhere to go. Krystal didn’t want to wait so she started looking for patches of ground to buy. There was a lot of good spots, some very far from the city and others close to the ocean or to a lake. She smiles and got one right on a lake with woods right beside and relatively close to the city. Victoria would’ve choked if she’d seen the price of the land though. It was at least twice if not three times as much as what she’d paid for the other piece of land. Krystal didn’t hesitate, just bought it. She’d only take Victoria there when it was done. Which would be as soon as she got the plans. Victoria didn’t send the plans until the following morning along with a list of suppliers she’d used. Krystal didn’t do that though. She contacted her favorite contractor and sent him the plans and the coordinates of the plot of land. He contacted her back a few hours later saying the amount of money and Krystal didn’t even hesitate, she transferred the money to him and he sent her a confirmation that they’d begin work right away. A week later, the girls had been randomly switching still, but as themselves they both had dates with their fiances. Victoria, like Krystal, hadn’t found her fiance that interesting but….well she couldn’t say no at this point. Krystal sent her a text another week later.

“I’m coming to pick you up.”

“Okay….you’re gonna have to wait.”

#princess supernatural stories #Immortal Game #B2ST #highlight #f(x)

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