#<- labels ppl told me i shouldn't use bc i 'shouldn't be

[infiniteorangethethird]

"but aren't you afraid that using labels will limit you" the only thing labels (that I chose for myself) ever did to me was make me realize it was okay to be different and free me from expectations I could never live up to even if I tried (and boy did I try and fail so hard)

[dameronalone]

hm hello hi I would like to know more about zeph pls thank you

GLITTER. HOW MUCH TIME DO YOU HAVE

zeph is my babygirl. she's me. she's too cool to be me. she's everything I WANNA be she is unattainable and has attained everything that I can't, like, for instance, getting to kiss and fuck poe dameron

shes my star wars sequel trilogy oc and zeph is actually a nickname that just is her name at this point. her full name is ilya zephanir, callsign zephyr one, and everyone calls her zeph, first because zephanir is a lot of syllables when ur in flight academy, then because zeph just neatly split the different between her name and her code name

shes autistic, she's an asshole, she's an autistic asshole who doesn't know how to express herself, especially when she is full of love for her friends. she's a pilot, spy, part time mechanic and part time soul mate full time problem and I LOVE her. she's also hella traumatized bc she got captured by bad guys and then crashes her ship upon escape. she's disabled like Kaz brekker and doesn't always use a cane but it's better for her when she does, and gets more wore out if she doesn't and REALLY she shouldn't be trying to run on it either AND YET

shes technically a woman but only because there's not another label that better applies, she's very aroace but more confusing than not because she'll have sex if she feels like it but only if she's like "Yeah that sounds fun" and it's never "I NEED to fuck" but generally more aro (turns out she's demi/grayromantic because poe dameron is a sap and she's heading over heels for him) and EVEN BETTER she's bi/pan (but hasn't talked to me enough about it to figure out which works better or even if she cares enough to label it bc she is Committed now bro it doesn't matter)

shes great to have in a pinch bc she'll step right in and take charge and doesn't get stressed out easily but she likes to have a plan and doesn't like it when it completely goes pear shaped. she can handle wrenches thrown in plans but not pears. that's just a line she refused to cross. but she will snap out commands and ppl just listen because damn she's making sense and I don't wanna die so let's do as we're told

shes grumpy and perceived to be aggressive and mean and she's not good with people in her natural state, though she's learned to mask and mirror so well she can give the impression of a people person, even though she's deeply antisocial EVEN THOUGH she cares so much about her friends and family and the Resistance and people in general. she's MISUNDERSTOOD and LONELY and I love her SO SO SO MUCH and also she's in a qpr with @the-force-awakens oc who's Also in a relationship with poe dameron to make a little trio.

(sometimes I think abt the universe where nym's oc is NOT around and its just so weird to think of her and poe as a duo instead of two thirds of a trio)

[flops back] I could keep going but I am just full of love for my own oc I might explode

[depression-culture-is]

Depression ocd culture (diagnosed) is feeling like a mess, but in a way that ur head hurts and u can't concentrate.

Tw/ mentions of s3x, implied mental abuse,etc

Your intrussive thoughts get mixed up with ur impulsive thoughts to the point you don't know what is the intrusive thought and what is the impulsive thoughts.

It's horrible so much.

When i get into social media and I saw post, about "i hate loving men" it triggers me bc I have intrusive thoughts about forcing me to like girls, there's nothing wrong about liking girls if you are sapphic or a boy,it just not for me,you know.

I also have intrusive thoughts and impulsive thoughts about s3x, but it comes in thought the things that ppl find sexy about others and my brain mades me feel, like I was those ppl thoughts and "forces me to find it hot", when i don't, or " You'll enjoy this more than that bc" . It doesn't help when I feel horny bc the stuff i don't like,it's heavy sexualized.

I hate it how when I tried to write my ocs in a relationship, my brain mades me experience sensations as if i was horny of their relationship or find it how bc I don't(?

I hate the intrusive thoughts when I can't sleep, bc me and my mom sleep in the same room, but different beds. And I saw her, and my brain goes "The times u argue with her, why don't you got and choked her, to see her reactions while she struggles and realizes u are the typical shitty selfish daughter that doesn't appreciate, to see how she goes lifeless and then realize she wouldn't be here, to prove ur father was right". When In reality,I love my mom so much and don't want to hurt her.

I hate how i distanct myself from my friends bc I my mind sexualizes everything,bc others have sexualize certain actions.

I hate how i have intrusive thoughts about hurting others.

I hate how I have a lot of intrusive thoughts to the point I can't fight them,and it's mess , like a mental block so I can't remember to fight them and cames more.

I hate how I want to distract myself so much,I want to concentrate on preparating myself for university but my mind doesn't let me.

I don't know what to do, I feel like not even my therapist would understand certain thoughts of me or what if it tolds me, that those weren't intrusive thoughts and it was me all along.

Or if I told my friends, they would judge my intrusive thoughts.

I hate how I have intrusive thoughts about hating ppl that I shouldn't.

I hate myself when I was 13 and I was scared of me for having them, I thought "what if those voices are schizophrenia?", "everyone would find me crazy". Since in my school it was demonized bh teachers and adults, always telling acnedotes on how someone with that disorder ended up killing someone or getting labeled as crazy

(Having schizophrenia isn't bad, it doesn't make u a monster, just want to clarified that, I don't mean to offend ppl who have that, I talking was going on with mind my when I was 13, I was scared of face ableism,getting labeled as insane.).

I hate the intrusive thoughts about getting horny, when I argue with my mom or when my dad mistreats me.

I truly admired ppl with this kind of ocd pushing forward, I wish I was like that.

I feel so lost right now, I used to feel relief when I found blogs like "ocd culture is" (one of them doesn't work ,the other doesn't exist)bc I have reassure myself that is not me. I feel like a mess, I feel like my room is a messy room.

I hate how my depression makes them even worse, I'm scared, I don't know what to do.

How to dealt with this shit?, can someone gave me an advice?, or at least ocd related blogs to find myself a bit more.

Sorry for venting here. I need to get it out of my chest

.

[ratcrux]

realizing im probably grey-aro (even if i don't necessarily use the label myself) has made a lot of things from my life kindof click into place and make a lot more sense. dated a lot, some relationships mono, some poly, and had a fwb at one point. but ive realized it's rare for me to legitimately feel romantic attraction.. i think throughout my life it's really just almost always been a sort of sexual attraction that i confused as smth that had to be romantic as well as sexual. was always told by society that the ideal is to be in a mono, romantic relationship.. that being in a non-romantic relationship was wrong. so anytime i had strong feelings abt someone i was convinced it was romantic and ended up in a lot of relationships i shouldn't have ever been in bc i didn't really actually feel anything for them. i always ended up "bored" about a month or two in but was convinced i just wasn't trying hard enough. that it was my fault for not being able to make it work. and idk it's brought me a lot of comfort (and in some ways sadness) to have this realization. feel like i hurt ppl in the past who shouldn't have had to ever deal w me as a partner

[queertftgs]

Update or whatever, no intentions of deleting the blog anytime soon, but hiatus for a while probably. Mods are both doing alright

If I finish any big projects I'll post abt them but for now I don't really plan on posting until either my anti depressant makes me better at dealing with ppls bullshit, or until i just have to post and talk abt things. Fern is welcome to post whenever though

Uh, a readmore to explain what happened

This whole thing happened:

And I'm willing to put up with many things but what I'm not willing to put up with is getting misgendered and called a cunt because someone didn't like that a trans person is queer and having my lived experience as a queer person minimalised and told that I don't know what it means and that I'm "using it willy nilly"

I don't put it in posts, but I am queer and it is my main identity label due to transphobia I've faced and just in general confusing sexuality shit, and I'm not going to be told what I should and shouldnt have in my username. No one complains when ppl have the t slur or the f slur or the d slur in their usernames and I'm not gonna exist under different rules from cis gay ppl just cus they don't like a word.

I also think it's absolutely awful to solely refer to two transmasc people with solely female coded insults when so many other words exist and you definitely shouldn't misgender trans people when they upset you, regardless of what is going on

And as for being called homophobic, me and fern are literally two mlm partners. If the only reason they think we're homophobic is bc we're queer and don't want bigoted people to interact, that's their own issue cus being a bigot is not in anyway part of being gay, anymore than being a terf is part of being a lesbian