#[ I'm over here. I am putting this blog on hiatus

[feralnumberfive]

So, what's the deal with airplane food

[tenelkadjowrites]

i've been putting off making a formal announcement on this blog but i think i've reached a point where i can say the blog as everyone knows it is...done. the hiatus has turned into a retirement of sorts.

basically, going forward, there is no promise of any fics being posted, no more tag lists, no more icon/header changes for a hwa fic, etc. fics can be posted randomly and not just be focused on hwa, it'll be about whatever catches my attention and i want to write a fic on. this could mean months upon months with no update. it could mean i never update again. idk i am not really focusing on it.

so yeah, thats the short version. longer version under the cut.

the thing about running this blog is that over time it ended up being whatever idea i had needed to be tweaked in order to feel comfortable post it here. that could be trying to put smut scenes in, or thinking about the dynamic and how it would come across to an audience, or if i went too long without posting and it would weigh on me.

after my move to toronto, i hit burn out with the blog. i missed writing original works, and i missed the genre exploration i liked to do with original pieces such as horror. i dealt with a sort of nagging guilt if i didn't post on here for long periods of time and i felt like if i kept pushing against how my brain was going, the fics posted here would suffer in quality.

ppl who have read this far know that i don't pay attention to the amount of notes i get on my fics. i write the ideas because i want to write them. that's been my rule and once i got the sense i was writing for the blog and not writing cuz i wanted to, i realized i needed to step away from it.

so going forward, the only time this blog will be updated is if i got a story idea that naturally and organically was planned as a fic in my head. this could mean no more hwa fics ever again. it could mean fics about random video game characters. it could mean more star wars fics. or it could mean i don't update for a really long time. i don't know what form it will take. i'm not really focusing on that.

while this blog was my primary focus, i met a lot of amazing people and ended up meeting people that now mean so much to me. i had tons of nice messages sent to me. i never thought i'd get 3k followers here and that wasn't my goal, it just ended up happening.

if you read all this, thanks, and thank you to everyone who took the time to read anything i posted, it means a lot. i'll be at the toronto ateez show if anyone wants to say hi.

my main blog is @hologramhoneymoon - you can follow me there for a lot of random reblogs from a lot of random things.

[eulchu]

ok guys. let's have a real talk. let's ALL have a real talk and i don't mean just me and my anons . i hope this reaches all of our community even if you think i fucking suck.

fucking october didn't ruin us but i am so worried that this dumb tension just might. this is getting so ridiculous and out of hand -i barely understand what's going on myself. so im gonna need everyone to work together and do a collective reflection exercise.

i am gonna write out a series of points that i need u guys to think about before proceeding in this community:

- active blogs. you're burnt out. you're burnt out and you're so tired of trying to keep this community running that you're denying yourself a moment to feel your own frustrations as your own individual person. i get that . i get being under so much pressure that you can't catch yourself some slack, least you spiral out of control <- this is, however, really damn unhealthy 😭 it's ok to let yourself feel some disappointment!! some anger!! that's fine. it's up to you, however, what you do with it. this brings us to our next point.

- we NEED to acknowledge this if we wanna get better. ifl it's taboo and we're pushing the narrative so hard we're not giving ourselves enough space to breathe. it. is. okay. to. feel. disappointed. over. the. lack. of. dteam. content. i am the first person to shut down any self entilted prick who thinks they can expect something out of them. because they DON'T owe us anything. but truth is we are humans and, accordingly so, feel in consequence of our own expectations. i wanna break this part down in a few points:

it is OKAY to acknowledge that we are disappointed. denying one self's feelings never ended up ok for anyone. it is okay to acknowledge that we are not getting the content we were hoping for.

it is NOT okay to blame the dteam for it. this is where it gets tricky. the dteam are in charge of what type of content they put out. it will never be in our hands. at that point, if you don't like what they're doing. leave. i'm sorry. it's harsh. i'm not trying to be mean about it. i'd understand if you left! it's ok!

- before you leave, though, i want to ask you a question. why do dislike what they're doing so much? seriously, ask yourself that question. is the content that bad, in your eyes? if the answer is yes, i can't help you there. you've grown out of their content. there's no way around it.

- but is it actually bad, or is it just Not What You Expected? In which case, let's talk. Let's put things bluntly:

the dteam have waited years to be together. correct

upon living together, we have discovered that they are not very good at providing content because they put their friendship above content. i'm not sure if anyone had that in their bingo cards - but it's what happened. autumn was really rough on them & they've learnt to exist together off camera. me personally, i think it's sweet.

dteam and traveling: a fall out? :o . no. jesus christ 😭 the fact that this is the new narrative nauseates me. i don't think anyone in their right mind thinks that dteam are less close than they were when they were living apart.

Bringing back our initial point, the failure to meet our expectations can be mentally challenging. it will inevitably make us second guess a lot of associated ideas that we thought were true . if one of our expectations fails to be met, that's a fail in our mental plan. if we were wrong about this, who's to say we are right about anything else?

i'm not sure if there's some sort of denial of feelings here or if people are trying really hard not to think about this possibility because it makes them scared. i am inviting you to take a moment to really think about it and feel the initial dread of the question. it will pass fairly quickly.

the truth is that the dteam is FINE. they're fine, they share a house, they film videos together, and they go on these long ass hiatus when they're together because they would much rather spend uncesored time off-line.

my favorite point: for how parasocial we are, we don't give them nearly enough credit. the dteam are adult men. we have to put faith in their decisions. only they know what they're doing. they know what's best for them. we certainly don't.

- i wanna rescue this last point. their decisions are THEIRS. if we don't put trust in what they're doing, we're already failing the game. that means who they hang out with too. i get not liking someone ok? i get it. i don't like a lot of people either. no one is pointing a gun to any of their heads. if you think that any of them is doing something that you don't see fit you have problems and you need to grow up. it is not our place to dictate their lives and it will never be. that goes for the white-knighting too.

⚠️(this is a completely hypothetical scenario)⚠️

the truth is if tomorrow george decides to go back to the uk, for whatever reason. we would all have to fucking shut it. fan disappointment? yes. acting like george is an awful person for betraying his best friends? you're out of your fucking mind.

dream george and sapnap are grown up people with a strong friendship and communication skills. if you think that george would take the unilateral decision and not tell anyone until the day before you need to seek help. whatever decision the dteam take about their lives it's THEIRS and you need to put some fawking faith in what they're doing. they know what's up.

that goes for the fucking karl problem too okay? i don't like it either. whatever. it's not my place though?? dream isn't a baby who's been abandoned he's a grown ass man who knows what he's doing and if he still considers (if they ALL do) karl his friend that's his decision. if he thinks that karl's friendship management is fine that's his decision. we are not dream's friends nor his fucking therapist.

- the thing about dooming and content. the multishippers: is the dteam all there really is? i firmly believe that we all kove the dteam outside of each other. (mostly tackled in this post)

- dnf and the fandom. jesus christ i can't believe i have to make a point about this. i think it's important to remember that at the end of the day. it's just Not That Serious. it was never meant to be that serious. bringing back the "they're their own people" point, what the Fuck do some people think they're doing 🧍‍♂️

dnf know what they're doing they know the nature of their relationship better than we ever will. if they're just friends it's because they chose to if they . in the biggest plot of the century . come out of this with a s/o it doesn't mean they're cheating on each other, that dream/george was leading anyone on or that they're hurting each other???? are you CRAZY 😭 if they're dating they're dating if they're not they're fucking not but they're. not gonna be sad about it??? they're adult people in an adult relationship they know what tf they're doing. they hold each other's hearts impossibility close to themselves. there's nothing they would ever do that could hurt each other.

to wrap things up: after this reddit worthy post (congrats if you've made it to the end) i have something very important to ask of you guys.

i know it might be unfair but can we all compromise on detoxxing. completely. for like, a week. not posting neg at ALL. we can't enable doomers we can't enable bait anons. neg is only good for one thing: make anxious people paranoid as fuck.

so can we. for like a week. just not post anything /neg at all. can we block the worst of it. the unnecessary dooming. and not acknowledge at ALL. i get it's a huge mental toll on the active blogs - reading so much negativity SUCKS but i do believe that it's a better option than responding and enabling more people to send similar asks.

me personally, i am already saying it here: any dooming will get blocked in my askbox. i won't hate you for it. but this IS a warning that you need to get your shit together if you ever wanna have a chance at speaking in my askbox ever again.

um congrats if you read everything?😭 PLEAAAASE let's all make this place a better place again i know we can do it

U CAN ADD TO THIS POST IF YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY BTW !!!

[mama-vaggie]

We want to make an official "statement" here. We know we've been inconsistent on our mental health issues, specifically on whether or not we are a system. But we've come to a conclusion and feel that sharing would be best for our own sake, as well as to clear up confusion and concern.

Some of us think we are a system...some are vehemently convinced that we're not....but we're gonna try to embrace systemhood and openly talk about "being a system" in the appropriate spaces.

I know this may not be a big deal to most, but we woke up in an existential crisis over it, so we think it's time to just wholly process it and see if embracing systemhood helps us. I want to make others aware of it because I have always been so inconsistent over whether I am a system or not, and I worry that if I don't formally put it out there somewhere, others may accuse me of faking it or trying to "copy" the DID/OSDD community.

I think I'd like to put this out there however- while we have no DID or OSDD diagnosis, we have severe trauma, some psychosis, and dissociation that has been recognized in a clinical setting. If it's those diagnoses, an advanced form of MADD, or an unspecified dissociation disorder is yet to be seen.

I am sure I am just overreacting, however I have huge anxieties over this whole thing and am terrified of others' reactions. I do NOT want to be accused of being an endo or getting fakeclaimed. The thought terrifies me. Please if you have questions or concerns, just ask. Don't start rumors. Please don't feel unkind. I'm scared enough as it is.

Lastly....the Mama-Vaggie blog will be on intermittent hiatus. Vaggie just doesn't appear often lately, and forcing ourselves to act like her hurts. I'm really, really sorry. Feel free to hang out with me on the Discord server though.

[respondedinkind]

Okay, okay, so... the new year isn't here yet, but 2023 is coming to an end very soon and I have planned to make a post - so here it is.

What this post is about? You!

I just want to be here and say thank you to everyone who has joined me here on my blog, even though I haven't been around for long. I am insanely grateful for each and every single one of you being here, for all the good memories you allowed me to make, and that so many of you welcomed me - and my muse - with open arms. I am so happy that you gave - and still give - me opportunities to explore my own writing and my muse's behaviors, and I just cannot stop saying it enough: THANK YOU!

I met some incredible people over the last months - some of which are people that I have RPed with before and where I was oh-so-excited to have them met again, after all these years of me having been separated from my Khan-muse because of fandom-changes, interest-changes, whatnot; For those of you who don't know, I first started to write Khan in 2012, BEFORE Star Trek into Darkness even aired, solely based on speculations and a teaser trailer lol. It wasn't very serious, but then definitely developed into what is my most-written muse after the movie finally came out and Khan just invaded my brain like some kind of parasite.

Since then, I have made a few blogs, kept writing Khan for a couple of years, then went on hiatus - remade, revamped, wrote for a few more years, disappeared... and now here I am again, with an AU-Version I was very, very scared to just put out here but now I am so, so glad I did. Thank you all for allowing me to write it, and yeah, I'm repeating myself, but... the opportunies I got and still get? So wonderful. Thank you so much for giving my Khan a chance.

Besides that, I also expanded my horizon a little and made two more blogs: One is on a little hiatus right now, while I am very active on the other thanks to some wonderful human beings who basically set my love for that character into flames. I hope that, and I mean that with the utmost sincerety, my choice of 'second and especially third muse' is not taken as a will to replace anything or anyone, but rather me being so immensely starstruck by other writers that have given me such a great insight and made me want to explore the depths as well.

Okay, okay, this is already insanely long and I am so sorry (I am unsure if anyone will ever read this lol), but now I want to give a shout out to ALL OF YOU, who are here, writing with me! All of you are so, so amazing and I am so glad to have met you, and I hope we can continue to write for as long as our muses and our creativity will let us. Thank you, again, and please take a look at those awesome people in case you aren't already following each other:

First of all, amazing writers and amazing people in general that I look up to (in no particular order), who are inspiring me in so many ways, make me feel a bit like a teenager gazing at their favorite star (lol) and just... are great people, yes, that I just want to mention separately for varying reasons:

@ssolessurvivor (Friend! Omg! When you first followed me, I could never imagine how things would ever develop - and how well Logan would fit to Khan, how their story developed into what it is now, so deeply plotted and filled with so many sub-stories and little moments that push both our muses along, allow me to explore my Khan on so many levels... it's insane how attached he is to your Logan, and I am so, so happy about us being in so much contact and just keep plotting and talk about everything! You are such a friendly mun and I am so, so grateful that you indulge me, even over on Stephen (hehe). I hope we can keep writing for a long time; Thank you so much for letting me throw in all my ideas about Khan, all the quirky things about him, I am so, so grateful!!! ♥)

@darehearts (I felt insanely welcomed by you, giving my Khan *and* my Bones such a chance to interact with Kirk ♥ Thank you so much for that, and thank you so much for indulding in my Khan-joins-the-crew idea as a Kirk-writer. That's definitely not something you need to do and yet you allow me. Ahhh! I was so blown away when you asked me if I wanted to become mains sdfasadfasd. Still am honestly because I am just a potato haha. Thank you for being here and being such a kind person ♥)

@strxngetimes (seriously, I was so nervous approaching you first but I am so glad I did; I do look up to you like you're some kind of superstar (haha) and I am still amazed that you gave me the chance of exploring things the way we do. Thank you for indulging me AND enduring me (and my muse lol), and you really, really inspire me in so many ways when it comes to your Stephen, it's amazing. You actually caused my interest for him to go back up into flames and for me to join the MCU fandom lol (and I would also bother you on your tony BUT i am SO UNWORTHY hahaha). Thank you - I hope we can keep writing for a while longer ♥ And I look forward to everything that might further develop between Khan and Stephen. Very much <3 Love them a lot!)

@mehrere-musen (Ok but really, of course I have to mention you. The way you accepted me, the way we started to write and things just??? Happened??? I love interacting with you and your Stephen and I love the way he works with Khan too, and I am so happy that you allowed me to be with the two where they are. Our thread has almost 800 notes by now which is insane, and with how we keep having ideas, it might go further than that lol. Thank you so much for indulging me - and thank you to Stephen to make Khan so insanely happy. :) ! I hope we can continue to write for a long time! ♥)

@fasciinating (SPAWK! I know we don't do a lot of OOC chatting in any way but our thread??? You are so good for just throwing us into that mess and for you to be like 'lmao ok here let Khan do whatever' and where are Spock and Khan now??? A NIGHTMARE LOL. I love the creativity and how you maneuvered us into that mess of a situation and how we can just seriously fuck moments up and go 'ah yeah somehow there's a rabbit also the world explodes'. I also love the way you write Spock! Thank you so much for giving my Khan a chance, despite his 'AU-ness', and that I get to explore such an interesting storyline! I was also very happy to have found you again, because I remember you from a long time ago (even though we didn't write much back then I think? But I remembered your name!)).

@sxbaist (MY BELOVED! God, you have no idea how insanely happy I was when I realized you were still there. Vega has stolen Khan's heart back when we first wrote so many years ago and when I rebooted him with his AU Version, my heart almost stopped when I saw you were still active and around. I was so, so nervous to approach you - but you welcomed me back, so did Vega welcome back my Khan, and honestly... I love them so, so much, and I adore you so much as a person. Thank you for doing all of that, for allowing me back, for Khan to have his wonderful woman back and for them to enjoy each other. It feels like as if they never got separated at all and I cannot express my gratitude enough, really. You as a person are so awesome as well and I will forever wait for your return! You are also the only other Khan I write with, so I will mention your @paramounticebound here too because your Khan is insanely great and I look up to him so, so much, people need to know!!!)

@vuulpecula (OK but listen, I know we also don't do much OOC chatting at all BUT!!! I just have to mention you here too because the things we do are just so??? SO??? HNNG like lmao we just write each other like 'ok what should happen' AND THEN DOOM HAPPENS to either Khan / Fox and Stephen / Fox LOL as if we got no chill really! I enjoy it a lot to explore those plots and see where things will go! Also you are such a kind person and so easy to talk to!!! Thank you for also indulging me on Stephen hehe ♥ and also all the things on Khan ofc!)

If I could, I would write every single one of you such a text, but alas... if I were to, I wouldn't be finished in 2025 (lol), so I hope you take my gratitude and my love for you as a combined package as well; You are all wonderful people and I am so glad to have you here, and it has been a joy - I hope it will continue to be a joy in the future too, and I cannot wait to see how things will develop (once again, in no particular order):

@whydotheykeeptakingmine ♥ @noblehcart ♥ @resignedworkaholics ♥ (also over on Stephen) @he1msman | @spacesk1pper | @entrpz ♥ (also on Bones) @ensnchekov | @cosmiicheskaya ♥ (also on Bones) @vulku ♥ @onlybonesleft ♥ @wtsns | @agntross ♥ (also over on Stephen) @goodheartedfool ♥ @oceansfirst ♥ (also over on Stephen) @kingofthewebxxx ♥ (also over on Stephen) @fallenregent ♥ @danversiism ♥ @nursc ♥ (also over at Bones) @nightmdic ♥ @brooklynislandgirl ♥ @defectivexfragmented ♥ (also over on Stephen) @haiiling ♥ @gcldenratio ♥ @hiippocrates ♥ @tangleweave ♥ (In case I have forgotten someone: I am so, so, so, so, sorry!!!!)

Also, last but not least: Should you not be named on this list, this does not mean I am not grateful for you or don't appreciate you! I thank you for being here, especially if we have already written something... and even if you follow me and I do not follow back, I am still immensely grateful that you're here in the first place, even if you might not stay ♥.

Thank you so much for every single one of you, really - everyone I mentioned here, everyone I did not. Because of YOU my experience on this (and my two other blogs) is what it is. Without you I wouldn't be where I am now, I wouldn't be able to explore my Khan, my Bones, my Stephen, and I wouldn't be able to have such a good time.

I WISH YOU ALL THE BEST FOR 2024 - MAY GOOD LUCK, LOTS OF LOVE, HAPPINESS AND FORTUNE COME YOUR WAY! No matter where you are, or what your plans are... you are valid, you deserve to be here, you deserve to do what you want to do and you deserve all the good things coming for you.

THANK YOU.

L. finally over and out. (and if you read up this far, you'll get a cookie from me!)

[desceros]

i don’t think you have to apologize at all for not having a symphony update tbh! it’s very gracious of you to do so but i hope people remember that it’s your passion project first and foremost and not anything any of us readers (regardless of how involved or invested you allow us to be) should feel we have any say over, schedule wise. i love your writing and will always wait for it, and know a lot of your other readers will probably say the same!

(as an aside: something i noted when i first started following you in december was how prolific you were… like the fact i could check your blog every day and there was some food?? i was floored. but even your current posting sched impresses me—the fact that you say you’ll have something out one day and on that day IT IS OUT. idk maybe i am used to my old fandoms being more casual or being interrupted by life, as fandoms with adults tend to be like. so you writing and sharing as much as you do is not something i take for granted. thank you as always.)

(i hope this message reads as appreciative / friendly as i intend it to be hhhh… i’m sorry if not…)

thank you for your kind message! i have a rather long one in return, i do apologize, but it is me, so we should probably have all seen it coming! :D

so, i've kind of talked about it here and there, but i have a wrist that is pretty sensitive to overworking. in high school, i would practice music for hours and hours every day without properly stretching or taking breaks, because no one told me i should do so. as a result, i really wrecked the tendons, and my ulnar nerve in particular has a tendency to flare up. it's quite painful when it hurts, and before it starts properly hurting, i experience i kind of buzzing numbness that is distinctly uncomfortable. it's not severe enough for surgical intervention, but it's definitely a limiting factor in what i'm capable, mechanically, of doing in a day.

back around november/december, i was posting a lot more. but that was with me disregarding my wrist and pushing through the pain, such that for the first couple of weeks in january it was nearly impossible for me to write. this was emotionally agonizing, because i love writing so, so much, and i wanted to share everything in my head with all of you! i felt like i was failing on a precedent i had set for myself, and it's very irritating seeing my mountain of projects getting bigger because i can't write quickly enough to put a dent in it and not just because i was coming up with more ideas (which is, to be clear, still suuuuch a problem haahahhaa).

it got to the point where i started confiding in my partner and my friends about my issue, and they all insisted that i start slowing down. and they're right! i was being reckless with my health, knowingly this time, and they're absolutely correct that i need to take breaks. take days where i don't write. days where i rest, and stretch, and let my wrist heal and recover.

i know it sucks as a reader, i really do, especially if you came on board during that time when i was being super active. and i'm not apologizing, per se, since i'm certainly not going to apologize for prioritizing health over hobby. but i do understand the... hm. i'm going to say frustration, but perhaps i mean the disappointment, or the whiplash maybe, from having someone going from posting very very frequently to less so. i'm still what i'd categorize as an active, prolific writer, but it is infuriating to know that, without this injury, i'd be capable of much more. it annoys me to no end, i swear! but i am purposefully stepping back, for my health, and for the worry of my friends and love ones.

all that said! nothing is on hiatus, nothing is being cancelled, none of that. it's just going to take me longer to work through things than any of us would like, hahahaha. so i really do thank you for your sweet and encouraging message, and i appreciate all of you for every thoughtful wish you send, all of your funny comments on my fics, and your support. i'm actually getting to the happy problem that there are so many that it's not quite feasible for me to respond to all of them individually, but i do read and treasure each one. this is the most uplifting, positive fandom i've ever experienced, and it really does make a difference as a writer knowing that people are filled with joy when i share my art and then go and spin that joy back out into the world.

[toxicanonymity]

BLOG FAQs

WELCOME ABOARD! This blog has amazing readers which makes it a lot of fun. Check your content settings to make sure you can see everything. Heed warnings on fics. UPDATED 4/30/24.

blog header pic from brontesummerfeld

Basics

Tox/Toxy, she/her. millennial. Blog is 18+. You can talk to me in English or Spanish.

As of 5/31/24 all WIPs are on hiatus.

Do not copy, translate, or repost* my work. Do not put it into AI or make bots of it. Ty for understanding.

*reblogging ( 🔁 button) is encouraged.

Q: Are Requests open?

A: no, not for new fics. but feel free to send thots, particularly on my stories. if I use it I'll tag you. you can also ask Qs about lore, etc.

Q: Will you write more every inch/left in Lincoln?

A: I plan to. More here. For Every Inch, there are three more parts planned.

Q: When is [fic] coming back? How many chapters?

A: IDK, sorry. If I knew I'd tell you. I have to delete asks like this for my sanity. I get overwhelmed. In the future, I'm not planning to release things as I write, I'm gonna try to finish everything before posting. Problem is I have a lot of one shot fails / play as I go AUs. We'll see. I can tell you Every Inch has 6 total parts.

Q: Did you read my fic?

A: I'm sure it's good but I'm a slow/bad reader. I'm also overdosed on pedro rn. More here.

Q: AO3

A: Here, not everything is on there but lmk if there's something you'd like me to prioritize as I work on bringing everything over.

Q: Tag list?

A: Please follow @toxicfics, use the person icon to turn on notifications, and use this trick for getting a tab on your dashboard just for your blog subscriptions so you can see what you missed.

Q: Are the fics always dark on this blog?

A: No.

Q: What is the brothel?

A: I HC my characters as living in my brothel which has its own crack sideblog @toxicbrothel and tv show.

Q: What are Joelkémons?

A: Reader-coined term for the Joel variants on this blog. Some listed here: Joelkémon cards.

Q: Can we make your characters into bots?

A: No, please don't do this. It makes me feel bad and they don't even work. Every time it puts me farther away from updating the fic. Please. o not copy, repost, translate, put in IA, or make bots of my work. Please lmk if you ever see my work made into a bot, copied, etc.

Q: Who's night walks!Joel? Who's thighs out?

A: Night Walks is an AU where Joel is your hot, older, creepy pothead neighbor. Night walks masterlist. Thighs out (another AU) is your boyfriend's hot slutty dad.

Q: What's a HOG? Who/what is GILF?

A: Hot Old Guy, from Silence can never be bought pt. 2 and 5. GILF is grandpa I'd Like to Fuck and may refer to the one from Pawn Shop (Joel in his 60s) @gilfjoel.

Q: Who is Dr. Rock?

A: Hot sex therapist who roleplays my characters. Dr. Rock is also the poster boy for avoiding discourse.

Q: Do you still write slashers?

A: Yes. I just wrote my first Thomas Hewitt in March 2024. Main/slashers masterlist.

Q: What other fics & blogs do you rec?

A: Please check out @toxicrecs

Q: How can I stay motivated to write without getting a lot of notes?

A: Please see these posts: here and here.

Q: Why did you unfollow me?

A: As a Tumblr noob, I followed accts all willy nilly--i was impatient to diversify my dash by account. But now I want it more diverse by fandom too. I recently put my dash in chronological mode and began seeing a lot more of some people. If we've never interacted, I don't want to feel like a lurker. Or I could've lost (some or all) interest in your fandom. Or I may have forgotten why I followed you, especially if what you're posting has changed. Or I might be wanting to reduce the discourse I see. Or it could be be something like what's described below that I don't want to see.

✨Q: Am I blocked? Why can't I see your main blog from my account? / Did you soft block me? What is going on?

⚠️ A: The most common reasons I block are for policing or judging what others post, kink shaming, or spreading harmful rumors. ⚠️

When it comes to rumors and shaming, silence is not a sign of guilt or agreement. It's confidence in the truth and desire to keep harmful takes off the dash. As a rule, I would ignore and block false accusations, rumors, or kink shamers instead of giving them a huge audience by responding or addressing it.

Harmful takes in the wild / targeted harassment: blocked. And if a post is bad enough--such as calling for targeted harassment of writers or trivializing a serious crime by casually accusing writers of it, I may block people for positively interacting with it. I don't want to be on your dash if you share those views, even if it's about som thing I don't write. On my blog, it's important for readers to understand fiction can't be equated with real life. And who's to say I won't offend or traumatize you on a different topic one day? It's for your own good.

You can get blocked on anon too.

[kindlespice]

🍉 actual hiatus 🍉

hi hi! so... it's been a while! *checks notes* i have not posted since august... of last year x.x i've been lurking around a bit occasionally dropping likes here and there, but for the most part been entirely absent. i feel like it's wayyyy past time for me to check-in, let everybody know i'm okay and all that jazz. but i am declaring this an actual hiatus now

tl;dr

i lost the simblr itch, i thought "surely it will come back" but it never came back and now i'm hyperfixating on other things.

i'm gonna put specifics under a read more if anyone's that interested in what i've been doing, what i will be doing, where i'll be hanging out now, etc. but it's really nothing big or major--just interests changing.

⭐ my content + patreon

(since it's kinda important and i want everyone to be able to see this) i'm not deleting this account and i'm still keeping my content up both on patreon and sfs! you will still be able to download things for free!!! i will be deleting my patreon tier! even though it was basically a donation tier, i feel bad keeping it up knowing i'm consciously not making more sims content (or being really active in the community) for the foreseeable future i'll be reaching out to existing patrons and making a similar post over there as well about the tier change!

i also wanna say thank you to everyone who's ever followed, donated, liked, commented, messaged, lurked or just been sweet and kind to me ❤️! simblr will always have a special place in my heart, so i don't think i'll ever leave leave, but i owe it to you guys to let you know that i'm making the conscious decision to be inactive for some time.

as a closing statement, fk isr*el and i am absolutely 100% without a doubt full stop

AGAINST GENOCIDE AND FOR A 🍉 FREE PALESTINE 🍉

you should be too if you're any kind of decent human being :)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

⭐what will happen to my account?

nothing really. or at least nothing different from how it's been for the last year and some change XD like i said, i'm still keeping my blogs up, downloads won't move, etc. i am just committing to not actively posting content or really being on simblr that much. maybe i'll drop some likes or comments when the mood hits (like i have been), but not really much else. i guess if there's any questions about this i'll answer them since my active attention will be back on simblr for at least a few days while i clean some things up. i would like to do one last thing as a kind of parting gift at some point... i never did end up cleaning up my downloads page or organize the thumbs/sorting for my cc like i said i would so maybe i'll do that before it gets away from me again but i'm not making any promises

⭐why am i on hiatus?

nothing bad happened or anything, i just.... lost interest. I already wasn't really playing the game that much even when i was super active; i mostly just took pictures and did edits. but i just wasn't having as much fun as i used to, opening the game started feeling like a chore, i wasn't all that inspired to make content, etc. i've burnt out on simblr on many an occasion so i just took a break like i always do but it kept going...and going.......and going.........until i realized it had been FOREVER and i hadn't really felt the itch to create here during that time, it wasn't coming back, and i was having much more fun doing other stuff. the times i did consider coming back it was more bc i felt bad about not creating rather than any actual desire to create. so i had to think long and hard about whether or not i even really wanted to come back. and i flip-flopped for probably 6 months--trying to drum up creative projects and never committing--before coming to the conclusion that i think i just need to call it a hiatus XD

⭐what have i been up to?

annoying my family with boycott lists and making them buy alternatively :D bouncing back and forth between many different hyperfixations... i fell back down the skyrim rabbithole several times, genshin, stardew, acnh, made a million notion pages i'll never use--the usual suspects. BUT BG3! at one point i swore i was gonna come back end of july/early aug but then BG3 dropped early and it was over... i definitely did A LOT of heavy lurking here when the girlies were all posting GORGEOUS tavs omg... i spent a while getting ts3 up and running, even made a sideblog thinking "maybe i'll come back with ts3 content that would be cool!"... just to not end up playing and not using the sideblog and not coming back -.- 4LIENS were supposed to have a comeback like... 4 separate times and it just did not happen... i've been making a concerted effort to get back into drawing and art. i've been in a kind of... depression? slump? with it for years now; always feeling like it wasn't good enough, that i should be better since i'm so "gifted and talented", i should be monetizing it and not "wasting" all that skill, blah blah imposter syndrome blah blah getting frustrated when i'm not 100% perfect all the time blah blah feeling like a disappointment to my family blah blah... but i am HELLA sick and tired of having all this anxiety and fear surrounding something i used to love so much so i'm pushing through! i've been trying out lots of different mediums and actually using my sketchbooks and just generally trying to introduce more fun into the process and stop being so hard on myself all the time. i picked up crocheting for a bit. at this point i haven't touched it in so long i probably forgot how to do it but... maybe one day i'll make a blanket or smth I started journalling (relatively) regularly for a bit. i was feeling really down at several points throughout the year and i thought having daily entries would help combat the feeling like every day was just absolute shit. on the contrary, the majority of days are good--at worst mundane--the bad ones just tend to stick out more. trying to get back into reading again... i miss doing it for leisure and taking notes bc i want to and not because i have a 300 annotation school assignment :P and a whole bunch of other stuff probably but it's hard to remember every single thing that's been on my mind for 16 months lol

⭐what will i be doing / where can you find me now?

i'm hoping to start a webtoon/build up art socials in the new year as a part of my "reconnecting to art" process. i made some art socials @kbearie-art here and @/kbearie_art on insta, youtube, tiktok, and twitter; they're empty for now though bc i got scared the minute i made them and never posted anything -.- but i'll be real with you... twitter is a cesspool, and im not fond of tiktok so i think tumblr, insta and youtube will probably be where i'll dedicate my time i've been thinking about getting back into posting videos on youtube again just in general. in fact this thought was the final push for me to make this post bc i was like... if i post a video out of the blue with no word to simblr that would be fked up XD i play games all the time and i had such a fun time recording, learning to edit and stuff that i think i'd like to pursue that further. i wouldn't be doing sims related stuff though bc...well... i don't play anymore XD but other games ya know. my other youtube is kspice (the same place with my tutorials, speed edits, the acnh vid, etc.) if you'd be interested in that

and i guess that's pretty much it!

again, for at least the next couple of days i'll probably actively have my eyes on this post/simblr in general (and i am gonna clear out my inbox hopefully) so if you have questions i'd ask em quickly before i go back into hiding XD

thanks again, i love you guys, free palestine, and have a good new year! 🍉⭐💖

[nsfwflint]

Are you still on hiatus? Think it'll last longer?

Sorry to disappoint but I'm retired, not on hiatus. While there were a few times over the last 9 or months since I announced my retirement where I thought maybe I'd get back into writing, the truth is that outside of the anniversary piece that I literally had to force myself to finish that resulted it being extremely subpar, I've written like maybe 1k words. I thought about maybe trying to put out a Christmas themed piece that I had started a long time ago, but I'm gonna be completely honest.

I just flat-out haven't wanted to write. I haven't opened any of my drafts in months and quite frankly, I currently have no desire to. I currently have zero interest in writing anything.

That being said, I know how I am, and I know that I'm a fickle dude. So I'm not going to say I'll NEVER write again because never say never. I'm just saying don't hold your breath.

But don't worry, I don't have any intentions of deleting any of my posts or anything. My masterlist isn't going to be going anywhere. It's just that this blog is now more about simping and subjecting the 9000ish followers here to whatever other random bullshit I want to post about (usually sports and gunpla).

[althaiareads]

Hiya, I'm normally way too anxious to pop into someone's asks but I love the selection of Joel and Tommy Miller fics you have. Do you have any authors you would recommend for either of them and any fics you'd recommend? Thank you <3

Aaaahhhhh! Thank you so much for sending an ask! It means the world to me that you enjoy my carefully curated (not at all) blog. You are so lovely!!

As for recs... I recently responded an ask with outbreak day themed fics, and I wholeheartedly recommend their work. They are amazing writers.

Here you have some more recs.

For authors, a.k.a. please read their entire masterlists:

@ay0nha is just an amazing writer, seriously. Their work is absolutely incredible. I would recommend Dead Man Walking and Violent Delights, Violent Ends, both are Tommy Miller fics that are unbelievable! I am currently in a brain rot over VDVE Tommy, it's so good.

@inej-ruination-ghafa again, because I just love her so much. I am in the process of devouring her entire masterlist. I would recommend Bloody Hands for Tommy Miller, absolutely amazing! As for Joel I would go with Mine it's just so cute, absolutely incredible.

@pedgeitopascal just read her entire masterlist. Please. Vee is an amazing writer, everything she writes is gold. If I had to rec some of her work, I would go with To do the right thing (which she's turning into a full out series and I'm so excited about it) and A safe haven an ongoing series that I love so much. But seriously, go through her entire masterlist, I did, and wow.

@inklore I mean, Laur is a must when talking fic recs. Her work is amazing, she's in hiatus right now, but she has posted some of the most delicious smut I have read in my life, and I say this as a non smut girly. My fav would have to be Folly it has the angsty edge I love. It is part of the wicked game series, and I love it.

@nexusnyx Nyx, the absolute love of my life. Her writing is straight up poetry, I love it. I melt in compliments whenever she posts. My favs from her are the series Journey to Kintsugi, and this drabble, both are for Joel Miller. Again, please check out her entire masterlist.

@kteague have I recc'd them yet? I don't know, but they are astonishing! Their work is art in every single way. My fav has got to be A Future Together, I promise there's the most twisted unexpected twist halfway through the series that'll make you question your life!

@guess-my-next-obsession is absolutely incredible! I would rec Elementary a series set pre outbreak, and all the drabbles she's put out in that universe.

For one-shots or short series, a.k.a. people that I have not yet had the time to read all their work, but they are absolutely amazing:

Tommy Miller

It will come back by @moonlight-prose the softest hottest smut you'll read in your life, I promise. One of the first Tommy fics I read, I think, and it made me fall for the man.

The best thank you by @augustghosts it's domestic, established relationship with Tommy, and it's so cute. Tommy is a little shit sometimes, but that's okay, he makes up for it.

You are the reason by @angsty-twihardxx it's a three part series, and omg did I suffer reading it! Angsty as fuck, and absolutely beautiful, I loved the ending so much.

Apple of my eye by @gtgbabie0 is just so me, you know? It's set in Jackson, and it is just the cutest.

But then I found her by @iraot right so. I cried. A lot. So, I think you should too. That's all I'm gonna say. Please check it out, it's amazing.

Joel Miller

Safe & Sound by @pagesfromthevoid Cress is an amazing writer! And I wholeheartedly recommend all of her work. This is her first Joel Miller series and is just so good? Two chapters out, and I am eating this shit up!

Why She Spared Me by @colonelarr0w spoilers for the game TLO2, so careful, love. But... I sobbed like a baby reading this. It hurt, it broke my heart, it was awful, I loved it.

This one by @forever-rogue wing woman Ellie for the win. Joel being all nervous, Jackson being the safe place it is. It's such a cute and fun read, amazing!

Unexpected by @typingcorgi okay, this one is HOT! But also, soft, it is a lovely relationship between the two of them and I love it so much. I am eagerly waiting for the last part <3

Ughh, I feel like I'm forgetting many talented writers, and I've come back like 20 times already, but that's all I have for now :(

Please if anyone has more recs, do add them! 🫶🏻🩷🫶🏻

Happy reading, love <3

[mommyclaws]

"Is my oc in Mommyclan?"

To hopefully avoid getting this question over and over, here are my answers!

If I reblogged your character with the "Mommyclanner" tag, then yes, you're in! If I haven't done this, there could be a few reasons:

1. I have not seen your post yet. My notifications are very busy between my blogs, sometimes it takes me awhile to get to my @'s.

2. I have seen it, I just haven't reblogged it yet. Sometimes I put new cats in my drafts to queue them later. It is easier for me to queue multiple submissions together than individually.

3. I missed your submission. Sometimes I make mistakes. You can @ me again if you think I've done this.

4. If you used a picrew, irl cat image, or another picture that does not belong to you, I'm not posting it.

5. Your cat was not accepted. I know people get anxious but know this is VERY rare. Out of 200+ cats, I have only ever rejected maybe 4 for trolling, discourse, harassing me, or other uncomfortable topics. It is very unlikely that I have rejected your character, the chances are, one of the above options.

Give me a WEEK before you double @ or resubmit. Maybe two. I am ONE person. I have a life! I expect everyone to be respectful of me and my time, thank you.

P.S. Please check my most recent posts on @mommyclan and the discord announcements often to see if I am on break or hiatus, I go on day-to-week long breaks occasionally and go back to accepting cats when I return! :3

[thgfanfictionlibrary]

Active Authors Masterlist (10)

Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 4 / Part 5 / Part 6 / Part 7 / Part 8 / Part 9 /

***Active (on this blog) is defined as a blog/writer who has updated within the past year. Inactive (on this blog) is defined as a blog/writer that has not been updated at all in the past year+. On THG Writing Hiatus (on this blog) is a blog/writer who has updated within the past year but has not posted a fanfic in the fandom in the past year BUT they may return to writing in the future. Lists will be updated as needed based on activity. ***

Created: February 10th, 2024

Last Checked:-----

atleastmymomlikesme-ao3, ff.net, tumblr

Popular Fic: Respect the Grayest Pile (For the Departed Creature’s sake) Summary: Against his better judgment, Haymitch has accepted responsibility for both a revolution and two teenagers who will surely be the death of him. Probably sooner rather than later. Just his luck that the only way to save them both involves landing himself back in the arena. Catching Fire AU

ellizablue-ao3, ff.net, tumblr

Popular Fic: Where Soul Meets A Body Summary: "Sometimes I think they reaped you because they knew I would love you." Annie and Finnick's full story, starting with Annie's Reaping and ending after Mockingjay. Annie's POV. Canon.

LastLeaf :: ao3, ffnet, tumblr

Popular Fic: Beyond the Fence-Divorced with a failing business, Peeta Mellark doesn't think he can sink any lower. Until he finds himself attracted to his neighbor's 20 year-old niece.

Littlefroid-ao3, tumblr

Popular Fic: The old familiar sting Summary: Maureen Trevi won the 49th Annual Hunger Games, and has now been a victor for 11 years. Dealing with her own demons for a decade now, alongside her victor duties. Now that the 60th Hunger Games is here and she is forced to be mentor for this year's game. However for the first time she actually get a tribute that think he has a chance to survive the games. Trying to write a backstory to the two Morphlings in Catching Fire because I needed to know more about them when I reread the series.

Meadowlark27 :: ao3, tumblr

Popular fic: The Meek Shall Inherit the Eldest Everdeen-The boys all wanted Katniss at the slag heap. But Peeta Mellark just wanted Katniss.

morgswrites/booklover2019-ao3, wattpad

Popular Fic: Blooming in the Spring Summary: I am empty and want nothing more than to drown it all out--all of the fear, the guilt. The guilt. There is so much of it, all the time. Guilt for those I've killed. For those who I could not save. They haunt me every second of every day, always there, always in the back of my mind clawing their way forward. Today, it is Finnick. Yesterday, Cinna. The day before that, Castor. Prim. Always Prim. ~ In the months following the fall of the Panem's Capitol, Katniss Everdeen is continuing to fight a battle-this time against herself. After surviving two Hunger Games and leading a revolution, losing countless loved ones along the way, Katniss is forced to learn how to live on with her trauma and how to navigate a new life with the boy that saved her life.

Pookieh :: ao3, ffnet, tumblr

Popular Fic: First Impressions-Her whole life, Katniss Everdeen had been raised to believe her only goal in life was to find a suitable husband and marry. Upon meeting the standoffish Peeta Mellark, she could not be more put off by the notion of marriage. However, unbeknownst to her, there is a reason behind Peeta's demeanor, if only she chose to look beyond her biased first impression. Hunger Games/Pride & Prejudice cross-over.

rarepairheathen :: ao3, tumblr

Popular Fic: Positive-In AU Panem after Katniss winner of the 74th reality TV show “The Hunger Games” she finds herself in a world of trouble.

sakurakyouko-ao3, tumblr, main blog

Popular Fic: As Long As I'm Burning Summary: Johanna Mason-centric, canon-compliant fic, spanning from the 71st Hunger Games all the way through to the end of Mockingjay. Mostly gen; the romance is a feature, but not the central focus

winryofresembool :: ao3, tumblr

Popular Fic: Cheese Buns and Garlic Cakes-Peeta finally gets a chance to talk with his childhood crush when she shows up at his door to sell some ingredients for his pastries.

[strangerwinden]

Excuse Me While I Pack My Shit: Mental Health Hiatus

Just mainly putting it out there for my own benefit, I don't have a huge following here to begin with, but this year has been horribly hectic, like constantly waging war with Edgar Allan Poe and his weird madness and an impeding zombie apocalypse (although, I wouldn't outrule the zombies just yet). Where do I start? I lost my dad almost two years ago, I started a new job at an elementary school that has been in equal parts both rewarding and frightfully stressful... to put it bluntly, it's been a lot. I haven't quite processed it all and I am, unfortunately, against a shitty disadvantage with having mental health issues in the past (going all the way back to my first suicide attempt at eleven years old; that alone requires its own novel but Jesus, Satan, not today).

I was honestly looking forward to starting fresh with this blog for new content, but today, all the bad things shoved deep down the damp, hollow well in my head could no longer be repressed. I spiralled. My anxiety has been approaching and breathing and growing and expanding since mid October 2023. I kept playing it cool, pretending I was okay. Nearly six months of this fabricated make-believe shit. Hashtag: I AM (NOT) OKAY WITH THIS!

Oh, bitch, who was I kidding? Because TW: sprinkling salt on your bare arm and pressing ice cubes to the salted skin for over an hour is like setting yourself on fire for fun. (In all seroiusness, not my idea of fun, kid!)

I'm sorry, world, I just couldn't do it anymore.

For lack of a better visual comparison, the more you deny "it," you risk the inevitable: you fuck with the Babadook (ba-BA DOOK! DOOK! DOOK!).

There he is. Dare to look.

He arrived in all his horrific queer icon glory and busted through the wall (screw the door, who needs doors?). I had a complete autistic meltdown (among other things) at work of all places and on a goddamn Friday, no less (no need for dramatic specifics; a plethora of shit building up in the background of chaos just cornered me and devoured my mind whole). Though per school protocol, I was escorted to a psychiatric hospital for mental health evaluation.

That's where I will end this dramatic as fuck tale. Just know that social media is not a good place to be right now (truthfully, it's the last place I want to visit; all my invisible horrors and inner voices are merely magnified). The queue is still running but otherwise, I'll be tuned on radio silence, folks. This space cadet is preparing for take-off. To anyone that reads this rambling mess, look out for yourselves.

See ya, Space Cowboys

Juno

[timewontwait]

oh hi.

i'm putting my rp blogs on hiatus! how long? don't know! i've already really dipped in online activity the past 4ish months primarily due to a mix of overall burn out + irl things coming to the forefront of my focus. i'll be moving in the next couple months into an apartment, which means i'll be switching to a fulltime job at some point soon. that coupled with other irl things means i'll be pretty absent on basically all my rp blogs.

reflecting a bit here, i've definitely slowed down a lot in terms of tumblr roleplay over the years and i feel i've finally hit my ceiling.

i still really enjoy this hobby, but i've grown tired with doing it on tumblr specifically. i feel there is this impossible urge i have to keep up with everything going on with my mutuals and their characters driven by fear of missing out on potential roleplay opportunities that it becomes discouraging the more and more i'm faced with it and can't meet the expectations i set for myself. it's something i've dealt with before in the past, and it was something i was dealing with before i started becoming less and less present on here back in autumn, among other things. and i think the fact i've been less anxious and more at peace since distancing from the tumblr rp scene is a sign i should definitely listen to what my gut is telling me.

so i will be taking a proper, official break. and i think when i am ready and in a position to properly come back, whenever that may be, i'll likely be remaking and moving my sonic blogs to a multi for convenience sake.

this ISN'T a goodbye, though. i'll still be available on discord and will be lurking in the servers i'm in, and i'll probably still occasionally pop on one of my rp blogs for the occasional goof in my down time. BUT for the time being, in terms of proper roleplay - i'm gonna be restricting that to discord only.

you're welcome to ask for my discord, if you'd like to keep in contact (but i will be selective with who i give it to). i've been kind of a social hermit lately though i'm trying to NOT be that and interact with people again.

if you read this far, hey thanks! i don't really know what to close this out with other than enjoy the rest of your day/night.

[theotherstephencobert]

Personal Inventory - What the hell happened over the last 7 years?

I have been contemplating it ever since I first became aware it was going on, and I am going to share a few insights into what I think happened. I am not sure even now that I completely understand why it happened, but maybe my putting it down into my Tumblr blog will allow me to see it in perspective.

What I'm talking about is this: I started a health, fitness and weight loss journey back in the summer of 2013. No formal diet, just get in some good exercise and eat healthy foods, lay off the fast food and carbonated drinks, make it a lifestyle change instead of a diet or a quick fix. For four years it worked: I went from a weight of 290 (almost certainly more than that before I started weighing myself weekly) to weight in the neighborhood of 215-225 lbs. I got fit enough to take bicycle trips to small towns 20-25 miles distant. In the scheme of things I added running to my journey and completed a number of sanctioned 10K's. 2017 started out as a banner year for my continued progress. And the, midway through the year, it turned downhill. My weight went up into the 220's then the 230's and then the 240's in the space of just four months. I still rode my bike and ran regularly, but all the progress I'd made with my weight loss just kept reversing itself. I found myself giving the whine of so many people in weight loss programs, "But I'm doing the same thing I've been doing for months [in my case,years], how come all of a sudden it's not working anymore???"

I had been through so much in those four years. I was enrolled in my local YMCA in 2014, and when I reported that I'd lost 45 lbs in the course of the year they did a blurb about me for their online newsletter, "Another Y Success Story". In the summer of 2015 I rode my bike to the small town of Clearwater, KS, some 17 miles from Wichita (a feat that my granddaughter Savannah was quite proud to tell her friends about). Just before Christmas of 2015 a car ran into my left leg in the Walmart parking lot; I had to take time off to heal but then got right back into the journey. Three months later a lowlife jerk ran over my left leg while getting away after robbing me of my change purse (with all of $6 in it). Again, some time to heal and then I was back in the swing of things. I rode my bikes hard and long, and rode them until they fell apart or were trashed. My response was to go buy another bike and get right back onto the road.

So what could have happened in mid 2017 that would make me lose all that progress and then eventaully put the whole journey on hiatus?

I am pretty sure this is at least part of it.

On June 2, 2017, near the end of a bike ride, my mother called me to tell me my father had died. This was the day before I had planned to run the 10K River Run, an official part of the Wichita River Festival, and (ironically) the day before what would have been Mom and Dad's 65th wedding anniversary. Dad had been in failing health, so the fact that he would die soon should not have been a surprise, but the news was still a shock to me. I told the desk clerk on duty at the hotel I manage; she was pretty good friends with my son Travis and called to tell him, and he suggested to his son Jordon that maybe Grandpa needed someone to be with tonight. So that evening Jordon joined me at the hotel and we were together that night and in the morning.

I have detailed the 2017 River Run on this blog and also on my Facebook page, and I will come clean about something here that I did not say on either site: I was wracked with guilt over the whole thing. I wrote about how Dad was very much a family man (which he was) and how I was honoring his memory by taking part in the River Run and River Festival with my grandson. The truth was, I was trying to cover up my feelings of, "My Dad is dead and my Mom just lost her husband of 65 years and I'm galavanting through downtown Wichita with my grandson playing Soccer Ball Billiards and chowing down on overpriced pizza and lemonade." I had been a notorious no-show at family get-togethers and holidays; part of that was I was so busy at the hotel that I didn't take time off for anything, but another part was Wichita is pretty near 1000 miles away from Knoxville by the preferred roads of travel and I was too broke (or too cheap) to afford the air fare or even the bus fare.

The next weekend I went to Knoxville to join my brother David and his two adult sons to visit Mom; it was the first time any of them had seen me in person since my sister Carol's wedding in 1993, and in fact David's sons were 2 and 4 years old then. A running gag was that every hour or so my phone would ring, I would look at the caller ID and roll my eyes and everyone else would laugh. The people at the hotel were blowing up my phne because it was the first time in over a decade I wasn't there to put out the fires and answer questions: "Steve, where do we keep the light bulbs for those new lamps James bought?" "Steve, this guy has a reservation for two nights but he only wants to stay one night. What do I do?" (The laughs were a lot quieter when I got a call from an irate guest at 1:30 in the morning.)

I discussed my feelings of guilt with my sister Carol later on. She confessed that, the weekend I got together with Mom she was scheduled to take her recent high school graduate daughter Rachel to Colorado to apply at the Air Force Academy (not the sort of thing you can bail on or reschedule) and she was wracked with guilt that she didn't join us to visit Mom in her time of mourning.

Anyway… In 2006 I responded to my 27-year-old daughter's death by throwing myself into my work. I was salaried then and so I worked ridiculous long hours, at least once working over 1/2 the total hours in the two-week work cycle. I was running on fumes and fighting off exhaustion. So in 2017, in response to my father's death, I made the (I see now) stupid decision to just go on with my life like nothing had happened… "life goes on" and all that.

I made the mistake of not dealing with my father's death. The problem was, I had no idea how the hell to deal with his death. What was I to do? Sit down and talk with a friend or counselor about my feelings, maybe regularly over time? Go to a rock quarry with a sledgehammer and smash a lot of rocks? I suspect (it didin't seem this way at the time but I am very good at deceiving myself) that I self-medicated with food a lot more than I realized. Remember that "whine" I mentioned at the end of the second paragraph of this post? Truth was I was slipping back into my old habits of eating at fast food places and hydrating with fizz.

My father's death was just the start: Two years later my mother died, almost two years to the day of Dad's passing. I got the call from Carol the morning of July 1 as I was preparing to run the 2019 River Run 10K.) Of course 2020 was the year that damn COVID-19 shut down the world. Then in October of 2021 my ex-wife Teresa (with whom I'd been on good terms since our divorce) died of COVID. And then in February of 2022 my son Travis joined his sister and mother in death. I'd like to say he died of liver failure, but the plain truth is he died of too much whiskey. (As his mom's next of kin he had to tell the hospital not to resuscitate Teresa, and even though that was what his mother had told him her wishes were, he was despondent with guilt over it and medicated with alcohol.)

I was still exercising with the bicycle, but in the time after Mom's passing my weight climbed into the 250's and then into the 260's to 270's where they stayed for a couple of years. Then in mid 2022 my weight went over 280, was consistently there until the start of September when I for some reasom lost interest in recording my weight anymore.

It's been a year and a half since then. My bicycle had two flat tires and a rusted out drive train. My finances (or maybe I should say my priorities) wouldm't allow me to get another bike until just recently. My weight is now in the mid 260's… maybe I did something right between the Fall of 2022 and now.

But I still have to ask: Was the death of my father, and the deaths of other family members, the real reason my health and fitness journey was sidetracked? And if it was, have I REALLY dealt with it? Or like a chiming electric clock that no one replaces the batteries to, has the issue just grown fainter and fainter with time 'til it's at the point I just don't notice it now?

To anyone who took the time to read all of this: I welcome any insights or advice into what might really be going on here and how I might effectively deal with it.

[fantoccia]

Hello everyone. This is something I've actually been considering for some time and I've decided to finally give it a go.

As of right now, Angie and Donna and Moreau are all on hiatus. I'll probably still check in now and then out of habit, but don't expect much from me.

Honestly, a lot about Tumblr rp has weighed on me for a little while now and I find myself getting unhappy over various things here and there. But I still logged in because I did make a lot of friends here and well. I've been at it so long, I kind of didn't really know what else to do? It's been something I've kind of wanted to do, kind of not wanted to do... But I've been putting off trying it long enough now that I might as well try it and see what the other side is like.

No, this isn't a direct reaction to anything. It's honestly been a long time coming now. I obviously need to focus on myself and try to get myself into a better place and I don't think Tumblr rp is going to help me. I'd argue it's actually been a sort of vice to me for the past two or three muses- at least a decade. People may joke about internet addiction sometimes, but I think I may have some form of it and I want to try to shake it.

So thank you to those that enjoyed playing with me! Thank you to everyone that were patient with me! I'm happy that I was able to play Angie in a way that you could like her and maybe the next time you play RE:VII you'll think of my girl just a little! <3

I'm gonna maybe pop in here or there the next few days before really trying to avoid things. Even when I'm gone, those that I talk to frequently may be allowed to NPC her if you ever feel the urge to. I'll still be on Discord so you can always ask if you can there! I won't even mind some ic chats! If you don't have my Discord and wish to talk, feel free to message me for those deets.

With all that said, I'll also say... Again, I'm a creature of habit and I'd dare call this addicting. If I do wind up coming back after a pretty short period of time, I'd really appreciate it if you don't make a big deal about it ha. This really is something I'm gonna have to focus on and I just might fail. But in the end, I am hoping that I will come back after some time. How long, I'm not sure, but hopefully when I've worked on myself and I can do better!

In the meantime, my main blog is @marthfador and so is my Twitter (X lol) but I admit my time on there is sporadic. I've got a few other little social media type things, feel free to ask if you want to know where I'm at!

Thanks again for all the fun we've had! I'm glad to have met you all!