#[ if the negative cases are repeated with little to no improvements over time ]

[lovelynim]

Vidyadharas' Special Training

Honkai Star Rail - Yanqing & Dan Heng

A/N: Happy birthday @wertzunge!! It is your bday here in my timezone, so I will consider I managed to deliver it in time. I wasn't sure who you'd like to see in this fic, so I decided to go for your team's current DPS and the one you are aiming for, hehe ~

Summary: Yanqing hears about a secret training technique and decides to ask one of his master's friends - Dan Heng - for aid.

Word count: 1276 words

Dan Heng fell silent. He blinked once, twice, considering the possibility that he heard it wrong. Yes, that was probably the case. “S-sorry, I think I misheard you. Could you repeat it, Yanqing?”

“Ahm, can you show me the Vidyadharas’ Special Training? I-I totally understand if it’s something you are not supposed to pass down to outsiders, mr. Dan Heng, but-”

“No no, that’s not the problem…” Dan Heng interrupted, trying to ease the teen that looked always so tense around him - probably thanks to the nature of their previous encounters. Dan Heng looked away, as if pondering Yanqing’s requests, but, in reality, he was actually trying to figure out what the swordsman was talking about.

Vidyadharas’ Special Training..?

He had read a lot about the things Dan Feng was supposed to pass down to him - but didn’t - and that wording didn’t ring a bell at all. Could he have let something slip past him during his stay at the Xianzhou Luofu?

On the outside, it was almost as clear as water to Yanqing that there was something wrong. Could his request be that troublesome? “I thought about asking you about this training technique because you and mr. Caelus were talking about it the other day- ah, I-I mean, not that I eavesdropped on you two, just that-”

“Wait, the one I talked about with Caelus?” Dan Heng stopped, seeing a hint in those words. “You mean when we were heading to the Exalting Sanctum?”

“Yes, that one,” Yanqing nodded, not able to help but to let his expectation grow a little more. If he could understand the basics of that training, he would be able to improve his own skills and, after all, learning from the Vidyadharas’ High Elder didn’t sound bad at all. 

However, the real meaning of that conversation was going in the opposite direction of Yanqing’s expectations. If Dan Heng recalled correctly, that was nothing but one of Caelus’s jokes. While practicing the cloudhymn magic, Dan Heng would often stress himself with failed attempts of performing some tricks and, to ease his anger, Caelus would try to distract him and make him smile again.

This, of course, also led to situations where Dan Heng would be trying to focus and Caelus would keep poking his sides and scribbling over the back window in his clothes, all under the allegations that it was part of some kind of “special training” he heard from other vidyadharas.

Now, this stupid joke had gone completely out of hand and Dan Heng needed to decide whether he was willing to expose such details of his relationship with Caelus to Yanqing or… if he was going to embrace it and play along the innocent little lie.

“Yanqing, I need to tell you something about this ‘special training’ thing,” Dan Heng sighed, taking a deep breath as he stirred the thoughts inside his head.

“What… is it?” Yanqing mumbled full of curiosity, not sure if he should expect a negative or positive answer to his request.

Dan Heng smiled softly, looking around the training grounds to make sure they were by themselves there and, much to their look, they were, indeed, by themselves. “This is something Caelus discovered when he was… helping me during these past days,” Dan Heng said, feeling a knot of his throat when he spoke about Caelus fooling around that way. “It’s actually a way to help you clear your mind, nothing of a big deal.”

“Oh, I see… a-and what is it?” Yanqing continued, imagining some kind of ancient meditation technique that would have him sitting under a waterfall or something like that. However, Dan Heng’s only instructions were to turn around and take a deep breath.

“Mhm, just like that,” Dan Heng couldn’t help but smile a little - even if he felt a little bad for taking advantage of Yanqing’s innocence. “Are you sure you want to go on with it?” He asked, giving the swordsman one last chance to deny it, but…

“Yes, I’m ready, mr. Dan Heng!” Yanqing boasted, placing his hands over his hips in a confident pose. Well, he asked for it, after all.

Dan Heng wasn’t sure why he decided to do this kind of mischief - maybe he was, indeed, spending too much time with Caelus - but since this seemed like an opportunity to improve his relation with the general’s lieutenant. With some extra care, Dan Heng’s hands slowly approached Yanqing and, soon, started kneading and prodding at his ribs.

“A-ah!” A sharp, surprised gasp escaped the teen’s lips. “M-Mr. Dan H-Heng, ahah… t-this feels a bihihit- eheh… f-funny…” Yanqing barely managed to voice his concern and giggles already threatened from pouring from his lips. The swordsman’s body trembled as he tried to hold his pose, but the urge of pressing down his arms was growing bigger and bigger.

“I agree with you, it does feel a little off,” Dan Heng chuckled softly, reminiscing the feeling of when he was on the receiving end of this special training - not to mention the embarrassment of having Caelus teasing as well. “But that’s a good sign, it seems it’s working.”

“W-wohohorking?” Yanqing giggled, pressing his eyes shut as he felt the corner of his lips curling up into a smile when Dan Heng started to poke his sides. “B-but- agh, hahah, mr. D-Dahahan Heng!”

“Is something wrong?” Dan Heng feigned ignorance as he lowered his right hand and pinched Yanqing’s hip, making the latter almost fall to his knees. “Tell me if it’s too much, you shouldn’t overdo it,” Dan Heng warned, keeping his calm and serious tone, but glad Yanqing wasn’t turning around and, therefore, wasn’t able to see the smirk on his face.

“It tihihickles! AhahAHaha, I c-cahahan’t!” Yanqing laughed, falling into Dan Heng’s touches as he struggled to keep himself standing in place. While the High Elder prevented the swordsman from falling, having Yanqing leaning into him like that certainly did make it easier for Dan Heng to tickle him.

“Huh? But you are doing it just fine,” Dan Heng continued, dragging his nails around Yanqing’s stomach and making the teen kick his legs in a fit of laughter. “You can’t focus on anything else right now, can you? Your mind is clear as a calm lake right now.”

“Y-yehehes, but- ahHAHAhah, w-wahahait!”

“However, if you are still troubled by needless thoughts, maybe I’m not doing it properly. I could request Caelus to-”

“NOHohoh! No neehehed to!” Yanqing laughed, grabbing Dan Heng’s wrists as he tried to push his hands away from his middle.

Dan Heng smiled, taking it as a sign that the lieutenant had enough and giving him the desired break. Taking a seat in the patch of grass by Yanqing’s side, Dan Heng gave him a couple of seconds to catch up his breath. He should, after all, tell him the truth.

“Sorry, I just-”

“Ahah, I g-get it now… heh,” Yanqing chuckled, crossing his legs one over the other. “I always thought the general was just messing with me when he tickled me during our training sessions.”

“W-what?” Dan Heng’s jaw dropped slightly as he didn’t have the chance to explain himself before Yanqing jumped into another conclusion.

“But I see now it was a way to help me regain my focus and clear my mind!” Yanqing beamed, already with his energy back at 101%. “Thanks, mr. Dan Heng!” He said, bowing politely before taking a leave from the training ground. 

Barely seconds after Yanqing left, Dan Heng chuckled, shaking his head as he tried to recover from what had happened in a simple matter of seconds. “You owe me one, general, hah…”

[kaibutsushidousha]

Goodbye is Not an Easy Word to Say (Sagrada Reset 4) - Chapter 5

[INDEX]

The Reset replicated September 13th, 5:15PM.

Asai Kei concluded the Service Club's task at the first opportunity. He met his Bureau teacher and briefly explained the case. Soon, an infant boy would use his ability to injure a girl he was friends with. The boy still didn't a clear idea of what his ability did.

Asai Kei's and Haruki Misora's first Service Club mission concluded in just a two-minute conversation. That's one accident eliminated. This was now a world where a girl who would get hurt by an ability and a boy who would feel hurt from hurting her can share smiles. But someone could have been negatively affected by this Reset somewhere Kei couldn't see.

Kei didn't know how correct his actions were.

He never did. And in his ignorance, he was forced to make choices. He devoted as much attention to it as possible, but he couldn't afford to deliberate problems forever. He could tell Souma Sumire died because of a wrong choice of him.

(The Reset didn't kill Souma Sumire. It was my fault for making Haruki Reset over nothing. I messed up. Majorly and irreversibly so. No amount of regret and self-improvement would ever be enough. I failed so hard I don't even deserve to regret it. Still… That's no reason to wallow in self-pity forever. The Reset—Haruki Misora's ability is beautiful. It has the power to reach out to people in need and progressively make the world a better place.)

That's what Kei chose to believe.

He chose to keep Resetting, without having a solid answer on what is the right thing to do, and without letting any little grain of Souma Sumire's death escape his memory.

—————————————————————————–

That day, Kei set rules for himself.

When Resetting, he had to determine what he was going to change. And for everything else, he would not change his actions. Pre- and post-Reset, he'd eat the same things, walk the same paths, and sleep at the same time. Each word he said would follow the script of his memories.

He was afraid of changing the future without need.

ー It's not about your ability. Every action every person takes changes the future.

He meant what he said there. But his reason didn't dictate everything he did. He couldn't help being afraid of changing the future with her ability.

Repeating previous actions every day took the flavor out of life. 

He felt as if he was an actor in a bad play. He was growing to see people's faces, words, the sky, and the things around him as imitations. Time spent trying not to deviate from the script that only existed in Kei's memories was painful, but that pain gave him some level of peace. The whole time spent suffering was time spent thinking about Souma Sumire's death.

Two days after the Reset: the second September 15th, Wednesday.

After class, Kei headed to Haruki's classroom.

This was the time when Kei and Haruki received their first Service Club job pre-Reset. That lead to them meeting at the staircase that lead to the rooftop, but now the Reset wiped the whole task.

He wanted to see her. To talk with her on that staircase again. He decided to spend the same amount of time with her, even if for a different reason.

Haruki's teacher was keeping the student in class after the chime for some reason. Kei leaned on the hallway wall and saw her through the door window. She had perfect sitting posture and looked straight forward.

(As usual, Haruki has this doll-like beauty to her.)

That thought made Kei smile internally. She blinked immediately after it, as if to prove she wasn't artificial. Then, she looked his way. Haruki Misora made eye contact.

Her expression was the usual, but it somehow felt mildly surprised.

Kei smiled and pointed to the southern school building. Then he opened his mouth to voicelessly say "I'll be waiting for you there."

Haruki nodded, having seemingly understood the message.

He turned away from the classroom and walked. Kei wasn't on that hallway pre-Reset, so it was best to get out of there as soon as possible. Besides, waiting for a girl to come out was sort of embarrassing. 

Most classes had already dismissed their students. The hallways were packed with students. Kei walked deep in thought, slipping through the crowd.

(If Haruki shows up, I'll tell her everything that happened pre-Reset.)

He found the idea challenging. Although Haruki's pre-Reset voice had her usual quiet, what she was saying was very emotional. Kei couldn't comprehend the inner workings of her mind.

(But she needs to know the facts, as precisely as I can convey them. She needs to be informed that she couldn't Reset of her own volition.)

It was Kei who was hurt by Souma's death. But Haruki was hurt by Kei being hurt. With a wound deep enough to distort her ability. 

Kei could only think one way to heal her. He needed to save himself first. He needed to erase his failure.

(I'll bring Souma Sumire back to life. Is it even possible? I don't know. But there are countless abilities here in Sakurada. I can't say for sure it's impossible to revive a dead girl.)

As he climbed the stairs and crossed the skybridge, there were no other students near him.

Kei put his right hand in his pocket. He pulled out his phone and removed the cat accessory.

He decided to gift it to Haruki. Having the strapping in her hands felt right. Besides, her having her own phone was preferable.

Kei was looking for the ability that can save Souma Sumire. The Service Club was the best place to gather information on abilities. Kei's and Haruki's Service Club jobs are, in theory, always performed together. It's better to have easy means of communication.

(No, that's not all there is to it.)

Kei laughed. Intentionally but sincerely.

He walked with his eyes on the strapping on his hand.

Strapping—as a noun, it only referred to a piece of string, but as a verb, it carried a meaning of tying two things together securely.

Gifting Haruki Misora the cat strapping was symbolic. Asai Kei spent the past two weeks tied down to Souma Sumire's death and Haruki Misora's ability. And that would stay that way for some time.

By the same measure, Haruki Misora was tied down with something. Kei presumed himself to be her fetters. He decided to accept his role.

Then what about Souma Sumire? Was anything tying her up? Kei associated her with a cat. A girl like a stray cat. Fearless, lonely, whimsical, and strangely opinionated—that was Kei's image of her.

Was she tied down with something that killed her?

Kei made his way to the southern building's rooftop.

To the place where she was not too long ago. To the door that he will never open again. One step at a time, as if he had powerful force tying him down.

[taggedmemes]

SENTENCE MEME SORROW-SCOPES FROM TWITTER (PART THREE)

"Positivity is a state of mind. Unfortunately, you'll never be able to afford to live in that state."

"This is a great week to come out of your shell and reveal your soft, delicious underbelly to nearby predators. Wait, pretend you didn't hear that second part."

"Today you will receive an affectionate, supportive visit from someone close to you. They will come into your home unannounced and say kind platitudes in a soothing register. After they leave, it will slowly dawn on you that they never once blinked or breathed."

"They say laughter is the best medicine but this week you'll really need penicillin. However, you won't get it in time."

"Your fortune will change for the better this week as you drop from number 3 to number 5 on the FBI's Ten Most Wanted list."

"The good news is you finally discover that you are no longer alone in the world. The bad news is you need to hire an exterminator."

"Be like water. Sink down into an underground aquifer and stay hidden for centuries."

"It always seems impossible until it's done. Except in your case, you can't do anything."

"Crying in public is nothing to be ashamed of. And everyone needs a hobby."

"You feel superior to the people who get depressed in fall and winter because you can be depressed in beautiful, abundant sunlight."

"You'll finally grow a spine this week. This is not a metaphor, this is a violation of human cloning laws."

"What doesn't kill you will camp out in the hills and patiently wait."

"Instead of trying to improve your life, you're reading this and doing nothing."

"Like a ship on a storm-wracked sea, your future will feature shivering timbers, foamy waves, and the possibility of scurvy. Eat some fruit."

"Did you remember to look in the roomba for any incriminating evidence?"

"New day, new you! Hide the body of the old you before they figure out what you have done."

"You will find love this week! It will be fucking terrible."

"Someone will offer you the moon this week. Decline politely because you do not want someone with that kind of technology angry with you."

"You'll be like a kid in a candy store this week, unable to afford anything."

"You will awake one morning from uneasy dreams to find yourself transformed in your bed into a gigantic insect. And buddy, it'll be a huge improvement."

"The weekend is just another reminder of how sad and lonely your life is."

"Might as well go into the forbidden woods, what else is there to do at this point?"

"You will not die alone. You will die surrounded by a crowd of sheering onlookers as you slowly lose consciousness."

"You being yourself isn't really working for anybody."

It just says ferret problems, ghost bones, and a cheese hangover, so good luck with all that."

"Don't feel bad about failing. No one cares enough about you to notice."

"The cruel little voice in your head is right about you. It's also super fun at parties and has twice as much sex as you."

"You notice that birds start to line up to stare when you go outside. You finally ask why and one crow lays a map at your feet. You follow the map and it leads to a broken vending machine. Inside the vending machine is a Crystal Pepsi. Anyway, life is pain."

"You do not have a doppelganger. You were a mistake that was not repeated."

"A transformation is coming, but not like a butterfly. More like werewolf."

"You are going to ruin your life this week, but no one will be able to tell the difference."

"In the symphony of life, you are playing the kazoo."

"Don't let your negative feelings about the past affect your negative feelings about the future."

"If at first you don't succeed, try giving up and going back to bed."

"You will turn over a new leaf this week, but the other side will have a little sticker that says 'you are incapable of change'."

"Um, better luck next life, I guess."

[anthologiemystika]

Pop Culture Magic | Fight the Darkness Charm

"My heart is strong. I'll prove it!"

This spell is inspired by Kingdom Hearts, a well loved Square Enix video game series. More specifically inspired by a character from the Series, Aqua - one who constantly fought the darkness, won many times, and managed to claw her way back out when she was lost... with a little help from her friends.

This spell is to help fight the Darkness in your life. Be that stress, anxiety, or just plain old sadness. Everyone can use a little uplifting.

What you'll need:

• Mesquite incense I use this for protection, healing, and cleansing, though you may substitute for whichever incense you prefer. Or none at all if incense bothers you.

• Aqua blue candle Esoteric meaning of aqua includes happiness, harmony, healing and peace

• A small Star shaped jar I am a sucker for spell jars. The star in this case represents the Wayfinder charm Aqua made for Ventus and Terra. Also acceptable is a regular bottle with a star shaped charm to wrap around or attach to the jar. Ideally the jar will be small enough to make a necklace out of to wear this as a ward.

• Obsidian chips Used for protection, and elimination of negative energy from the self and environment

• Dried Lavender buds Soothing for anxiety, plus smells nice while adding to your jar.

• Dried Green tea leaves These improve your focus and help reduce stress in a spell.

• Pink Himalayan salt Calming, self love

• Fluorite chips These help create order from chaos, relieve stress, aid in focus, and cleanse

As this spell bottle is for cleansing yourself of stress, anxiety, and sadness the best place to start is grounding and centering yourself. There are many ways to do so, and I always recommend choosing your favorite method. I personally like to meditate and visualize for about 10 to 15 minutes before a spell if time allows for it.

Once you've prepared yourself and your work space, light your incense and repeat these words three times:

I can feel the Light May my Heart be my Guiding Key The Darkness Doesn't Interest me

After repeating the rhyme, use the smoke from the incense to cleanse the bottle you're using. Pass the opening over the smoke a few times to catch some in the bottle. Once you've felt you have done this enough times (I usually recommend 3 to 7) turn the jar right side up and let the smoke clear from the inside.

Light your aqua blue candle, and then you can start layering your spell ingredients. The order only matters to the spell caster, but this is the order I would use:

First, a layer of black obsidian chips for eliminating negative energy from yourself and the environment around you.

Then a layer of pink Himalayan salt to cleanse yourself and promote self love.

Followed by a layer of green tea and lavender buds (you can mix the two together) for focus, reduced stress, and soothing anxiety.

Last but not least, a layer of fluorite chips to create order from the chaos causing your darkness.

Place the cork in the bottles opening, and use the wax from the aqua blue candle to seal it. If you used a star shaped bottle, this will be one of your last steps. But if you used a bottle that was a regular shape, then you would attach the star shaped charm and secure it with the wax as well. As you're doing this, you can repeat the rhyme from above three more times.

If the bottle is small enough to wear, you should attach the necklace it will be on after the wax has dried enough to do so, but before you snuff out the candle. Let the candle burn as the wax dries and take that time to visualize and focus on the results you desire from this charm.

[melodyofmbaku]

In Between the Lines Chapter 2 (Erik Stevens x OC)

Teaser [1]

Prompt: “C'mon, I wanna hear you say it.”

Word Count: 2.5k

Warnings: Angst... I can’t help it.

That was her problem.

Elloise couldn't see. So she liked to touch.

It was how she was able to experience the world. It was also the bane of Erik’s existence.

She was always fiddling & touching and it drove him right up the wall.

Didn't she know that some people would misinterpret her actions?

That’s exactly why he hung around her so much, she was entirely too trusting. And he didn't want someone with ill intentions to take advantage of her.

That’s what it was.

Not because he wanted her hands to be on him and him only.

Or because he wanted to see exactly what that mouth could do.

It was because she had a bleeding heart for every seemingly suffering individual and it would be her downfall.

That’s what it was.

As such he made it his mission to weave his way into her days because Elloise was one of the few people he actually liked around here.

He remembers the first time he met the woman who had ownership of his heart.

~~

It was 2 years ago when hehad just arrived at the palace. The place that was supposed to be his home. After he decided to work alongside T’Challa to better improve relations between Wakanda and the rest of the world it was decided.

He could learn more about his father, his birth place, and detach from his old hobby.

Killing people.

So when the young man approached him with a smile on his face and gesturing towards his gear he put a stop to it quick.

He still had some of his pieces on him and he didn’t want that getting messed with.

He rolled his eyes and mumbled an “nah I’m good boss” under his breath before walking around him.

The man began to follow him, looking intently at him with a confused look on his face.

“Do you need some help with your bags?” He gestured to his belongings once more.

“I’m good man.” He responded back again lowly. What was this dude’s problem?

Then he heard it. Her.

"Would you quit mumbling under your breath? If you have something to say, speak up, if not, you'd be better off shutting up".

He looked to the side and took in the woman who emerged from one of the many entrances that lead to the front hall.

She looked lithe and soft. She had dark skin and plump lips, wild coily hair, and a dress that accentuated her waist dangerously. Her cleavage was artfully on display and he was definitely taking a look.

This was the exact kind of woman he enjoyed whining, dining and bending over at the end of the night.

He would also probably do something wicked to that mouth…

He cocked his head and the corner of his lip lifted up in amusement.

“What you say ma?”

He watched as she walked towards him with intent and an odd aura of grace.

Interesting.

She stopped much too close to him.

"Erik... when you entered these grounds — the palace — my house — because that's what this is... my house — you consented to abiding to the rules of this household”.

"Some of which include forgoing your "I used to kill people for a living" vibe so that the differently abled individuals in the residence can comfortably get their jobs done".

What was she going on about? Differently abled?

She gestured to the young man who came to take his bags.

"James is hard of hearing. It helps that you speak clearly, and preferably facing him, so he can better assist you".

Erik turned to take him in. Then he saw it.

James smiled politely and gestured to the tiny hearing aid that was discreetly placed behind his ear.

Erik swallowed. He felt like a dick. He palmed the back of his neck.

"Nah uh... I'll carry my own weight." he responded after clearing his throat.

James nodded and looked back at the woman as if waiting for a command.

She turned to him "Thanks James, it seems like Mr. Stevens has it covered. You can go now."

The young man nodded and went on his was and Erik could’ve sworn he heard a snicker from him as he retreated. He glared at his retreating back.

"Can I touch you"? she asked tilting her head.

"What"? he asked confused.

She gestured toward his face. “Can I touch you? Your face specifically”. She repeated.

Erik squinted still trying to understand what exactly her problem was.

"Why the fu —". She never let him finish.

"We'll be spending a lot of time together now that you’re officially part of the royal family”.

“What’s that gotta do with you touching me?”.

"To save you further embarrassment, and a repeat scenario… in case you missed it Mr. Stevens... I'm blind". She pointed to her eyes to convey her point.

There was a moment of silence before Erik realized.

He wasn't sure how he missed it. He was getting comfortable and terribly out of practice.

She had done a very good job of presenting as normal as possible.

He ducked lower to her level to meet her eyes. True enough her deep brown eyes were unfocused and there seemed to be a gray film over them but they were brown nonetheless.

She repeated her question.

"Can I touch your face, so I know what you look like?” she gestured to him leaning forward invasively close.

“What if I say no”? He responded back defiantly. She wouldn’t catch him slipping twice.

“Then you say no”. she shrugged leaning back.

“I wouldn’t touch you without your consent, another one of our house rules that I hope you’ll remember”. She replied in a patronizing fashion.

He took offence.

“I’m a killer, not a rapist.” he spat out.

“That’s good to hear”. she commented before walking up the stairs encouraging him to follow.

“I’ll show you to your room, and it’s a pleasure to meet you Erik.”

And that was the beginning of their relationship.

~~

He idled about and nursed a drink in his hands and tried to look the least bit engaged at this donor dinner. He hated these dinners.

He’d have to watch Elloise on his cousins arm the entire night. Not to forget the attendees who were there for selfish political gain alone.

He watched closely as she made the rounds with T’challa around the room. She had chosen a deep green dress with a dangerous V that held his attention throughout the night.

T’challa paraded her around the room like the gift she was and he knew this was the part of him she fell in love with.

That’s why he was surprised to find her alone and still dressed to the nines in the palace kitchen in the middle of the night.

He had changed into his comfortable sweats and made his way over to decide on which concoction of alcohol would knock him out for the night.

She had a plate of lamb and potatoes untouched in front of her.

She didn’t startle when he spoke. She probably knew he was here based on his cologne or possibly just heard him when he came in.

“Midnight snack?” He paused and sat in the seat across from her.

“I got the chef to make me something then sent him away.” She spoke clearly. He heard the hardness in her voice.

She was upset.

He saw that the lamb sat on the play uncut and her hands lay in her lap.

“Let me get some of that.”He reached over for the plate and she stopped him.

“Erik. I like lamb.” She held onto the plate refusing to let up.

He sighed.

“Here, I got it.” He stretched his hands for the cutlery.

“I can do it myself.” She protested eyebrows furrowing.

“I know that.”

She still held onto the fork with hostility. She was upset.

“I like doing this so relax okay? You know it’s not like that.” he sucked his bottom lip into his mouth and awaited her answer.

With that she reluctantly released the cutlery to him and folded her hands in her lap carefully.

She heard the fork and knife scrape against the plate as Erik cut it into pieces. She couldn't help but inhale a little bit deeper.

She liked the way he smelled. Erik always smelled like warmth..

She didn't know what to do with her hands. They were always doing something. Touching, feeling, studying, working.

She tried so hard to not be caught lacking, to be looked at as unable.

She would always have an excuse, because of her condition, but she pushed herself to insane lengths to never have to use it.

With Erik she was able to relax without being scrutinized, when it was just the two of them it was different.

This was... nice. She liked it.

"Potatoes too?" he asked wondering if he should slice up the baby potatoes that accompanied the lamb on her plate.

She shook her head — negative, she liked them whole.

"Thank you". she replied back softly.

"Don't mention it". He responded before carefully handing the fork back to her.

Her fingers lingered on his hand a moment before she pulled them away seemingly unaware.

Erik lived for moments like these.

He watched attentively as she speared the tender meat and placed it in her mouth and began to chew.

“Where’s T? Why isn’t he here with you right now?” He was sure he’d be tearing it up tonight. She looked that damn good.

She paused and looked down. “He… got called away for an emergency.”

They both knew what that meant. Erik wanted blood.

“You can’t let him get away with disrespecting you like this El. Tell somebody. The elders. Anybody.” He urged with subdued rage.

“Would they blame him? Or would his actions be chalked up to something else?” She shifted in her seat.

“Maybe how in more than one way I’m not enough.” She placed another piece of meat into her mouth and chewed slowly.

Despite the hot anger that flowed through his veins, he knew it was the truth.

He hated that it was the truth.

He despised his cousin for taking that vulnerable woman and turning her into this.

He was going to end him.

They weren’t that close anyways.

He could see it now.

He’d start from his left hip bone and do a clean cut — probably with something classic. Like a black pearl switchblade. Then he’d —

“You can’t say anything Erik.” she commanded. It was if she heard him plotting.

He scoffed.

“It’s not your right.” She said.

Her mouth was sharp as ever.

He hated that mouth.

He dreamed of that mouth.

He was the forgotten cousin. An honorary royal. Offered a position for blood ties and even then, it was decorative.

An outcast.

Maybe that’s why they got along so well.

She placed another potato between her lips.

He rose from his seat and stood behind her.

He began to remove the large decorated pins from her pressed hair. His fingers reached the nape of her neck and she finally released the tension that her body held.

“I didn’t say I was going to do anything.” He spoke lowly above her, focused on the task at hand.

She leaned into his hand and he snuck his fingers into her hair and found her scalp.

He rubbed at it gently, product would cling to his fingers later but he didn’t mind it.

“We’re the same you and I.” She hummed.

He cocked his head and continued his task.

He never understood her when she said that. But in fear of being scolded he kept quiet.

She was good. So good. He was bad bad bad.

He felt her shuffle to rise and he stopped his actions unwillingly.

She sat up and he reluctantly removed his fingers from her head.

She ran her palms down her dress to straighten it out before she looked in his direction.

“You’re harmless. ” She joked lightly before lifting her hand awaiting his arm to lead her back to her room.

He raised an eyebrow.

“Girl, you should be scared of me.” He murmured slyly.

She rolled her eyes.

He offered her his arm and she grasped it in a familiar fashion and let him lead her.

They walked leisurely through the hallways. When he didn’t get a response to his last statement he assumed his previous joke fell flat.

“Erik, when are you gonna go?” She asked softly. Her fingers added more pressure into his arms, concern lacing her tone.

She’s been pestering him for months to go to therapy — deal with his murderous thoughts.

He didn’t like the idea.

So he wasn’t going to do it.

“I’ll go when you go.” He shot back.

She sniffed and turned her face away from him.

He grinned cheekily, dimples shining through.

“You know why I can’t go. It’d be taboo for me. Plus, they treat me like an invalid.” he watched her mouth twist into a scowl.

He scoffed, and continued to lead them to her destination.

Their route was coming to an end and he knew she felt it.

As they got closer and closer to her quarters her grip tightened on his bicep. And he paused.

“Erik I’m scared.” she whispered.

“If he can do this. Openly. In our room. In our bed, then...”

“What’s next? What’s next for me?“ she looked in his direction — lost.

“If he don’t got you, I got you.” He crowded her space and bent down so he could be level with her.

She needed to understand that she could rely on him for anything. He wasn’t sure he knew just how deep his feelings went for her.

She lifted her hands to hold his face. It was how she saw. Her hands immediately found his beard. He saw the tears pool in the corner of her eyes.

“Anytime you get scared you call me. You hear me?”

Her gaze was downcast. This wouldn’t do.

“I’ll gut em. Like fishes. The whole lotta them.” He pushed out huskily.

“Erik...” she murmured disapprovingly.

“You believe me?” He asked.

“I —“

“C'mon, I wanna hear you say it.” He pushed lowly committed to making her see that she wasn’t alone, he was there.

“Yes Erik, I believe you.” She whispered lowly. She quickly wiped the tears that had slid down her face disobediently.

“Good.”

“Goodnight E.” She stepped back and turned to her door. He watched as she steadied herself.

He stuffed his hands in his pockets to stop himself from grabbing her and crushing her in his embrace.

He wanted to grab her and kiss away her fears.

Instead he subdued his wants and watched her walk through her door.

The door to the room she shared with T’Challa.

He spun around and began the familiar path back to the kitchen.

After knocking back the drink of the night he steadied himself.

Erik walked to his chambers in the same manner he did every night — longing for his cousin's wife.

Taglist:

@fd-writes @amorestevens @raysunshine78 @adreamsublime

__

Idek what I’m even doing with this story but lmk what you think 💜

If you want to be added to the taglist just comment.

[attzi-gearburst]

Life's Big Questions

Word Count: 900 Summary: Attzi resumes her search for answers about her cousin. To follow the Fyx thread, see these.

Attzi hadn’t had many nights to herself recently, which had honestly been both lovely and very intentional. But, Kappi was out with Burnie for the night, and as a result she had some free time to burn. She’d been spending hours in her workshop recently, tweaking schematics and assembling parts, but her shoulders and neck were sore from all of that. She wanted to give them a break.

She also wanted to stop avoiding Fyx’s notebooks. Somewhere in them, there was a clue to explain what he was trying to do. Nothing else he’d designed had ever been like the machine that had exploded and taken him, the family lab, half her hearing, and most of her memory.

All that, and the last best friend she had left.

It wasn’t going to be an easy night, but sometimes that was necessary. Attzi changed into comfortable clothes for once in her life, digging into The Closet until she found a worn, oversized t-shirt and a set of boyshorts she’d rather die than be seen in. That done, she went into the kitchen and picked out a bottle of wine. She didn’t bother with a glass.

Attzi decided to bring his notebooks into the bedroom, and took occasional sips of wine as she laid them out in a circle around her. Oldest up top right, with newest to the top left. Sometimes it helped to visualize the passage of time. 

“Alright, Fyx,” she said to the silent house as she picked up the oldest notebook. “Help me out a little, here?”

A small breeze kicked up through the open windows, blowing the dust from the books across her bed. 

“Thanks,” she muttered, and cracked the first one open. 

****

Most of the notebooks had nothing to say. Nothing that she wanted to know about her cousin anyway. Fights with her aunt and uncle and his siblings, dreams about getting out of town and seeing the world. Half- finished schematics that he abandoned before they could see the lab. She spent the entire night reading his coded shorthand with a rigid spine, expecting that somewhere in his thoughts, she’d come up in a negative light, as well. But even after reading them over, there was nothing. Almost as though he knew she would be reading these someday. But if that were the case, why weren’t the answers to the questions she had clearly laid out?

Why hadn’t he told her what she was helping him build? Where (when) had he been trying to go? And, above all, the question that had been on her mind on repeat since she realized just what he’d made in their family lab: what was he trying to fix?

Attzi found a few things, but not the straight answers she was looking for. By the end of the night, the wine was gone, the notebooks were stacked back into their box, and she was cross-legged on the bed, staring at two different piles of old memories she hadn’t known existed.

In her right hand: a stack of letters, their signature from a name she didn’t recognize. She hadn’t read them yet, because she was too drained, but some of them contained schematics that were familiar. She’d been improving on them for months, after all.

In her left hand: a faded photo of three young, smiling goblins in the snow. And though the letters might hold answers if she really dug into them, the photo was the thing that kept her attention. Fyx. Attzi. Gary. Smiling, in the snow. Young enough that she was having difficulty remembering herself, the she who was present in the snapshot. She hadn’t smiled like that in years.

And now, she was the only one left of the three.

Attzi sighed and rose off the bed, padding out of the room. She reached her workshop and unlocked the door. When she stepped in, she closed it behind her to make sure Dave Jr didn’t get in.

Most of the space was a disaster; parts and components littered the storage spaces, the floor. The unfinished thing in the corner loomed, bulky and hungry. She ignored it and instead turned for the wall by the door, where a poster of a goblin, posing in front of a cave and surrounded by snow, hung.

Burnie hadn’t seemed to understand why she asked for this at their last chat. Attzi was actually worried she’d offended him, but hadn’t dealt with it in the moment. It had been important to her to have it for the workshop wall. She spent a few breaths staring at the poster, and then took one of the tacks holding it to the wall and used it to carefully pin the photo over the autograph. She looked at it for a long time, chewing absently at her bottom lip, and then turned her attention to the partially-assembled replica of the thing that had taken so much of her life.

When she’d been helping Fyx build the prototype, the machine that took him away, she’d been given the pieces, and not the full view. Now, she felt like it was happening again.

“Why couldn’t ya just tell me?” she asked quietly, her attention once again on the photo in its new spot on the workshop wall. 

Fyx, Attzi, and Gary stared back at her, too young to have the answers.

[disapoitment]

Am I about to overanalyse another throwaway gag? Absolutely! This time it's from the classic season one episode, Napoleon Brainaparte.

So, towards the very end of this episode, our poor, beloved mice are about to meet their tragic end. They're threateningly informed that an afterlife awaits them, and as they cower in what they believe to be their final moments, the viewers are given a glimpse into their heads...specifically, what they each imagine heaven to be like. This scene surprised me on my first watch, because it was pretty unexpected. And surprisingly...sweet?

Let's start off with Brain's idea of heaven, which is shown first.

Right off the bat we have him surrounded by a chorus of Pinky angels. This is one of the rebuttals I have for people who doubt Brain cares about Pinky...I mean, if I didn't like someone, I definitely wouldn't include them in my idealised afterlife, nevermind multiple versions of them!

Uh, I digress. The thing I actually want to draw attention to here is the fact that Brain actively desires Pinky in his life (or, afterlife, in this case) and can't imagine existing, in any form, without him. We've seen it time and time again, from the episode "Snowball" to that one story from the comics, but this is one of the earliest, most apparent instances of it in the show. This scene alone proves to the audience that Brain isn't using Pinky to reach his goals, but genuinely sees him as a friend and a companion. And maybe there's an unhealthy splash of codependancy in there.

To take this a step further, an afterlife is commonly portrayed as a sort of perfect world; a place of eternal happiness, even. It's safe to assume from this daydream that Brain subconsciously associates Pinky with the same joy and contentment associated with heaven. We can even interpret this scene as Brain viewing Pinky as an angel, which is not only heart-wrenchingly sweet, but makes a fair bit of sense, all things considered.

After all, though Brain himself tends to shy away from explicit displays of emotions and empathy, he's been established to admire these traits in others. In "TV or not TV", he claims to find Princess Diana (who was well-known for her activism) attractive, and he repeatedly praises Pinky's kind nature throughout the series, even when it directly interferes with a plan. He even sabotages his own plots when Pinky objects for moral reasons, eg "Inherit The Wheeze", and then there's the iconic instance of him DESTROYING his own machinery after tearing up over Pinky's Christmas letter. I believe this is why Pinky is an angel in Brain's eyes: he's compassionate, he's pure-hearted, and he's innocent. Well, innocent in the sense of intention, at least. Pinky represents all the things Brain is too afraid to be himself, lest morality get in the way of his goals.

On top of that, Pinky always stays by Brain's side. He's the only person/mouse who has never left him, hurt him, or betrayed him. It's natural that someone so lonely, cynical and self-loathing as Brain would view his polar opposite as a literal angel...or, even more impactfully, a full chorus of them. Of course Brain's idealised heaven has himself as an angel too, but I'd say that's either his ego coming into play (he's both self-hating and conceited) or just to serve as a visual signifier that he's...um, dead. The flock of Pinky angels is what I'm focusing on here, because the sheer amount of them in comparison to Brain highlights them in this miniature megalomaniac's reverie. And also because it's more interesting to take the analysis in this direction! ♡

Honestly, there's not quite as much I can say about this segment of the scene. Brain is on a throne, so presumably he's imagining himself ruling...heaven? Good for you, Brain!

It's very in-character for Brain to put himself as the centrepiece of his ideal afterlife, and as much as I love this little guy, the angel imagery is obviously ironic. Whether intentional or not, this can be connected to his egotism, as well as his belief that everything he does, no matter how severe or morally corrupt, can be justified by the end goal of ruling Earth and making it a better place. I don't believe that Brain genuinely sees himself as an angel when it comes to his purity, but rather that he thinks all his sins can be forgiven if/when he becomes the "benevolent dictator" (his words, not mine) of the planet...or maybe that's just what he tells himself to be able to sleep at night.

He looks noticeably very content and calm as an angel. I would go off on a tangent about how this is a version of Brain who is finally freed from the burden of his never-ending cycle of failure, and that this suggests that he needs to break out of his world domination obsession to ever be truly happy, but...I'll spare you.

Oh, Pinky. Poor, poor Pinky. He's so selfless that it stings :(

It says a painful amount that in his idea of heaven...he's not even in it. I don't think he hates himself, yet he's so good-natured that he ends up neglecting his own desires for the sake of others. In this scene, he has literally forgotten to include himself in his own idealised world. I hate to say this, but this could be a result of his codependent relationship with Brain. He's so focused on Brain's happiness and goals that his life almost revolves around him at this point, and as I mentioned before, they fall apart without eachother. Pinky pours his heart and soul into helping Brain, partly because he genuinely believes Brain will make the world a better place, and partly because he'd do almost anything for Brain's sake. His love for Brain is so strong that he's the focus of Pinky's own paradise.

What I find significant is Brain taking the role of every single angel in the fantasy. He's portrayed as a sweet and wholesome creature wearing a cute smile, a stark contrast to reality. Even just him being an angel in the first place implies that this is how Pinky sees him. A big part of the latter's motivation to help Brain take over the world, though scarcely mentioned in the show itself, is so it can become a happier, nicer place for everyone. As a determined optimist, Pinky shares the desire to improve the Earth, and so views Brain as a sort of hero, someone surely worthy of a halo and wings.

His view of Brain as a good person can be explained further when we consider that he doesn't mind being bopped (and in some interpretations, downright enjoys it), can shrug off any verbal abuse, and clings onto any snippets of warmth he receives from Brain. The things others would raise their eyebrows at are things Pinky ignores or adores. I think it's safe to say that, overall, Pinky is the type to focus on his friend's positive traits and simply ignore most of the negatives, as seen in "Pinky's Plan" when he gives an extremely sugarcoated description of Brain to the world leaders. Because of all this, in Pinky's mind, Brain truly is an angel. It's bittersweet, really.

And here we have it again. Brain on the throne, ruling. This is all Pinky truly wants��for his friend to be happy, fulfilled and at peace, making whatever world he may rule a better place. There's not an awful lot more to say now, since this is just a repeat of the scene from Brain's fantasy, but I think that's the most heartwarming part. These two mice are working towards the exact same goal, and yet their reasons for doing so are quite different: Brain to rule the world, Pinky to make his friend smile. It's almost poetic in its simplistic beauty. The voice actors said it best when they described the show as a "desperate love story", and the little scenes like this only prove that to me.

Welp, that's all I have to say for now! I haven't reached this hard since I tried to get to the chromatica oreos on the top shelf in Tesco. But this was fun, anyway! Thank you ever so much for reading :'D Your patience must be incredible! 💕

[inkandpen22]

Beautiful Angel of Darkness (7/?)

Pairing: Spike x Female!Reader 

Warnings: Mild swearing 

Word Count: 1.8k

Part Summary: Y/N is starting to improve and live by Angel’s lifestyle. Then, someone pays her a visit. 

Masterlist

Six months later... 

Who would've thought working at the law firm as one of Angel's team members would be so fulfilling? Granted, it took a moment to get settled... more like a month. There was a withdrawal period, not pretty. Angel sort of locked me away in his basement for a few weeks. After that, I bounced right back and started fresh! Now, I'm Angel's assistant, much better than Harmony. I gave her the boot as soon as I got released from the basement cell. 

I step off the elevator to Wolfman & Hart with Angel's usual blood bag in a cup and my iced coffee. I drink my blood bag on the way here. 

I set everything down at my desk in front of the firm's sign. The normalcy of having a daily routine again is nice. When I was with Spike, I thought normalcy would bore me to death. I guess Angel was right, there is some humanity left in me. 

I knock on Angel's office door, blood cup in hand. When he announces for me to enter, I greet him warmly and immediately get into the day's agenda. 

"Morning Boss, we have a busy day ahead of us!" 

As per usual, he wears a crossed expression as he stands behind his desk shuffling through some papers. 

He sighs in frustration, "Y/N, have you seen the-" 

I place his mock coffee cup in his hand so I can grab the case file from under my arm. He glances between me and the file in amazement. 

"You left it on my desk when you were leaving last night," I explain with a light chuckle. 

"You're a lifesaver," he thanks as he eases down in his chair. 

"It's what I'm here for," I shrug and lean against his desk beside him. 

"Sorry for keeping you here late this week. I'm sure you much rather be home," he apologizes as he reviews the contents of the case. "I just... I don't know how to go about this." 

"Maybe a fresh pair of eyes?" I suggest, reaching for the file. 

Angel hesitates to hand it over. He doesn't like me working directly on cases. He believes I'm not ready for the gruesomeness of them and that the blood may trigger me to regress.

"Angel, I'll be fine!" I assure him confidently. 

Reluctantly, he hands over the papers and I begin to skim the crime scene photographs.  The police are involved, believing it to be a violent murder. However, Angel and the others are pinning it with a series of animal attacks the last few days. They suspect a werewolf. Angel wasn't wrong, these images are rather unsettling, but nothing I can't handle. 

"Based on the slashes on the neck, I would agree with you and say it's not cut wounds. There are no signs of forced entry either," I analyze. 

"But all of the damage..." He debates. 

"It's from the attack. If you were being attacked by a werewolf, you'd toss a lamp and vase at it, wouldn't you?" I reason. "The front door is in perfect condition, except for the blood, of course. I suspect the victim knew their attacker," I determine and hand the file back to Angel. 

He leans back in his chair, deep in thought. Humming, he considers my predictions. "That would certainly narrow down the suspect list." 

"Was she single?" I question. 

He frowns in confusion, "I think so, why?" 

"Check her calendar, see who her latest date was with," I suggest as I rise from my leaning position against his desk. 

"You got all of that from looking at one photo?" Angel remarks in astonishment. 

I glance over my shoulder as I head toward the door. "Told you shouldn't let me help sooner," I wink. 

_____________________________________

At noon sharp, Angel likes his second cup of O Neg. It sounds tedious, knowing exactly when my boss likes his blood. If someone told me months ago that I would be fetching Angel everything he needs, I would've killed them. Ironically, I've never felt never more human than when I'm at Wolfman & Hart. I feel like I have a life of my own, my existence. Before...Before Spike, I belonged to my family. Then, I belonged to Spike. Now, I belong to myself. Granted, Angel watches me like a hawk, but he's easing up. 

Angel and the others hold a team meeting at the same time I'm supposed to deliver his refreshment. More and more lately, Angel lets me sit in on the meeting.  It's usually so that I can act as a scribe while they talk, but I still appreciate the invite. 

Carrying my files, notepad, and Angel's drink, I back into his office door as I'm handless at the moment. Right when the door gives, I immediately announce his dinner plans with a major banker to discuss his Greed Demon issue. "Don't forget tonight, the meeting with Stuart Lawrence! You have to be at his residence in Brentwood at seven o'clock sharp and-" 

I stop dead in my tracks as my eyes flicker toward Angel's desk. Instead of just seeing Angel stressing over some papers, as usual, I see a bleach blonde vampire reading over his shoulder. 

The paper coffee cup falls from my hand and spills on the floor by my feet. The substance coats my left heel, staining it crimson. 

"Y/N..." Spike utters my name with his smooth accent. 

"Oh my God..." I whisper breathlessly in awe. 

Angel flies up from his chair and points to the door. "Y/N, get out of here!" 

"Never took you for the lawyer type," Spike smirks mischievously as he slithers toward me. "Gotta admit though, loving the working woman style." He gestures at my body up and down like I'm a mannequin in a store. 

Behind me, the other members of Angel's team enter for their meeting. 

"Lorne, take Y/N home!" Angel instructs. 

"Right away, Boss," Lorne complies.

"Take one step closer to her green goblin and I'll bite your head off!" Spike threatens sharply. 

"Spike, stop it!" Angel barks. 

"Oh come on, Angel," Spike dismisses as he closes in on me. His fingers comb through the ends of my hair. "It isn't like you to ruin a perfectly good reunion!" 

My body tenses under his touch, much to Spike's dismay. It wasn't long ago that his embrace was the only thing that kept me tied down to Earth. Now, it makes me shutter. 

"You shouldn't be here!" Angel growls as he rushes over to us and yanks Spike away from me. "She's been doing great without you!" 

"Have you forgotten? She was mine before she was yours," Spike chuckles wickedly. 

The English vampire turns to me again and caresses my cheek. His eyes continue to linger in my memories late at night staring at me intensely. 

"Did you really think I was going to let you go?" He mumbles to me and the words make my heartache. 

"Get away from her!" Angel hisses warningly, on the verge of throwing Spike through the top floor window.

Spike ignores Angel and continues to admire me. "Did you miss me, My Love?" 

Yes. 

I shake my head while I slip my hand over his to remove it from my cheek. "You hurt me. I can never forgive you for what you did." 

Spike's face falters immensely. "Y/N... Let me explain! I-" 

"No!" I stand my ground, something I never used to do when we were together. "You deceived me, used me, broke me!" I switch my gaze between Spike and Angel frantically until I find myself overwhelmed. "I... I can't do this... I'm sorry Angel, excuse me." 

Thus, I hurry out the door past my coworkers before anyone can stop me. Both Angel and Spike call for me, but I ignore each of them as I gather my things and disappear onto the elevator. 

________________________

After today's cluster of events, a long shower was much needed. I have no doubt Angel will be visiting me once the workday is over, just to check-in. I can't believe Spike is here in Los Angeles. It all felt like a dream or perhaps a nightmare. How dare he come here after half a year and expect me to act as though nothing happened. 

Immediately after my shower, I go to my kitchen to fix myself a cup of tea. I stick the kettle on the stovetop before I get dressed. At first, living alone startled me, but since then I've grown to prefer it. I like the peace. After long days at the office, time alone and space alone is what I need. 

"Y/N," a voice makes itself known. 

My hand flies up to my chest as I pant. "Spike! Jesus and Mary! What the actual fuck?!" 

"A vampire scared of the dark... how ironic," he teases with a smirk. 

"Get out!" I shout, pointing toward the door. "I'm not even dressed you feen!" I start to march back to my bedroom which makes Spike follow. What part of 'get out' doesn't he understand? 

"Oh come on, Love. It's not like I haven't seen anything before," he insinuates. 

"Get out!" I repeat. 

"No, not until you hear what I have to say!" He insists. 

"You love Buffy! Congrats! Now, go be with her!" I urge him away. 

Abruptly, Spike grabs my forearm and yanks me to a halt. His free hand flies up to my chin and forces me to meet him in the eye. I fight him off, prying at his arms, but nothing works. 

"I never loved her!" He barks at me. "Well... maybe a little once... but that was before I met you! That night I didn't cheat on you! I swear it! I went over to her house to kill her and when I got there she was crying! Her mother has been ill! That's why I couldn't come sooner... plus I... I..." 

"You what?" I growl in disdain. 

"I got a soul for you," he remarks calmly, nearly solemnly. 

I frown, how is that possible? 

"You what?" I question. 

"I went to the desert, got my soul back so I could be like Angel..." He explains. "To be like someone you'd want to be with," he adds. 

He softens his grip on my face. To my surprise, I don't pull away. I stare into his blue eyes with astonishment. How could he get back his soul? Is that why it took him so long to come and find me? For months I wondered if he would ever come... but he never did. When I finally started to get settled and moved on he shows up. Spike's hand falls from my face with a sigh.  

"Forget this. Never mind," he starts to back away. "Have a good life, Y/N." 

I stand frozen, speechless, and unsure what to do as Spike struts away toward the door. Thus again, he has disappeared from my life. 

________________

Masterlist 

Tags:  @currently-obsesed-with-spike @mx-pibbles @shy-ginger-in-the-graveyard

[seungsilog]

Dear Someone, I’ll Be Better Off Without You.

Pairing: Female!OC x Lee Minho

Genre: Angst, College!AU

Word Count: 1.16k words

Warnings: mentions of someone in a slump(?), insecurities, breakup

Series Masterlist

Taglist: @puffyjisung​ (send me an ask or dm me if you want to be added!)

Good morning, afternoon, evening, whatever time you’re listening to this! Welcome to the podcast, where I, Han Jisung, your host — speaking of, should I find a DJ name for myself too? Like, that one podcast has DJ Joohoney right? I should think of something for myself. 

Anyways, continuing on! This episode, a letter has been written by our Music Director, Ina! I won't make this too long, as this episode might get too long. I asked for a letter, not a novel. If only you guys can see this, holy crap. It's like 3 pages back to back, oh my gosh. I would read this all on air but it would take ages, so we just shortened the letter and might just publish this letter on our website! I doubt you would be able to read Ina's chicken scrawl, though— ok geez, I'll start! Stop looking at me like that!

Dear Someone,

I'm better off I’ll be better off without you.

Do you remember when we first met? It was freshman year, during the university's festival. You weren't as confident back then, sticking to your group of friends most of the time. The only time you left their side was when they convinced you to talk to me after they saw you sneaking a peek at me. Looking back now, I cringe thinking about our origin story, but freshman Ina thought it was cute. So cute, in fact, that I let you take me out on a date the day after. And even though you spilt soda on me five minutes into the date, the giant stuffed cat and the shy peck on the cheek made it all better.

Fast forward two years, and you managed to weasel your way into my life. You became my best friend, my lover, my anchor all in one. College life was hard, but the assurance that you would be sitting in our spot in the coffee shop on campus, waiting with my favorite drink fueled me to get through my day.

But as many positives there were with you, the negatives were also there.

I became too comfortable. I stood only within the confines of my little bubble consisting of schoolwork and my relationship with you. Everything was just the same, repeating day after day, and it took a toll on me. I made my whole life revolve around you, and somewhere along the line, I forgot that there is more to life besides those two things.

I never really improved from who I was when I entered college, but you certainly have. No longer were you the timid, puffy-faced boy I met back then. You’ve come so far, becoming one of the most confident, talented people this school has ever produced, and I can’t help but feel proud every time I realize that.

Sadly, I can’t say the same for myself.

I love you. I love you so much, Lee Minho. Thank you for always being there, for the past two years. I’ll always be proud of you, but I need to take some time to improve myself so that hopefully, i can be someone you can be proud of too. This self-improvement journey of mine might take some time, but as my mother used to say, if we are truly meant to be together, destiny will find its way to bring us together once again. See you around, I guess.

Forever grateful, 

Ina.

P.S. I think I used the wrong phrase on my keyword, so I erased it aha. I started this letter in spite... so yeah. I’m not sure if I really will be better off without you, but I guess only time will tell.

Han Jisung’s voice floated through the earbuds and into Lee Minho’s ears as he sat in an armchair, eyes filled with unshed tears. He hadn't known she felt that way towards herself, and if only he had communicated with her better-

He cuts off his inner monologue after seeing a familiar face approach his table. 

“I take it you’ve listened to Jisung’s new podcast episode, hyung?” Hwang Hyunjin, with his freshly dyed black hair, takes a seat in front of Minho, ignoring the older’s protests and settling down with his croissant and iced americano. “Come on, hyung. You can talk to me about this. We’ve known each other for ages!”

“And by ages, you mean half a year?”

“Tomato tomato. It feels way longer. I think being coped up in a studio with each other has that effect.”

“... Touche.”

“ So? How do you feel?” the younger boy inquires, taking a sip from his americano.

Minho took a while to respond, thinking of words to properly describe how he felt at that moment. 

“If I’m being honest? I don’t have a clue either. It’ll take a lot for me to get over Ina.” After taking a sip of his own drink, he continued. “Two years, almost three isn’t a short time. It was through her that I became who I am today. It was because of her, that I strived to become a better person. It was because of her that I was able to grow, but..” A soft sigh escaped his lips. 

“But at the cost of my growth came her dullness.” Hyunjin made a noise of confusion, muffled by the bread stuffed in his mouth. “Woft dwoh yu mean, hyunf?” 

“The thing that really drew me to her that day was just how… vibrant she was. Well, she was standing below a streetlight, but really. It sounds cliche, but if only you could’ve seen her. Wearing a bright yellow shirt, talking excitedly about how fun this experience was going to be. She was truly the light of the party back then, well, college happened. We’re all busy, but they were especially. Even Channie disappears for days at a time coped up in his room to finish a project. He only got a significant other this year! Ina barely had any time to do anything else aside from meeting me and doing schoolwork. I guess she realized that, and uh, yeah. That brings us here.” Minho looked up at Hyunjin, only to see him invested in something on his phone.

 “ Yah, why did I even bother telling you.” 

You see, dear listeners. Sometimes, relationships don’t turn out the way we want it to go. We think entering a new thing will all be sunshine and rainbows, and it might lead to an ultimatum; having to choose between self-gratification and self-improvement. In Ina’s case, she chose to leave not because she lost feelings, because that’s definitely not the case- ouch! When will you stop throwing things at me? But yes, she chose to leave because she wanted to grow, wanted to get herself out there for a bit, just as hyung had done. That does not mean that all hope is lost for them, though. Maybe someday, when the both of them are ready, their romance will continue again.

-`, leri’s litol notes

here is the second installment! ;-; i hope you guys like it hehe

[formula365]

A thing of the past - Bahrain GP review

In 1973, the Formula 1 season closed with the US Grand Prix at Watkins Glen. The title had already been decided in favour of Jackie Stewart, who had secretly decided to retire at the end of the season, and leave the mantle of leading driver of Tyrrell to his teammate, François Cevert. Stewart would leave at the peak of his powers, with 100 GPs to his name, tired of seeing friends die on track. It had been a dark era for the sport, and there had been an impact on his and his wife’s mental health. It had taken too much of a toll for them to bear it any longer.

As fate would have it, they were in for another sad ending. On the Saturday practice session, Cevert lost control of his car in the Esses, hit the barrier on one side and was sent careening towards the barrier on the other side at an 90 degree angle. The second impact ripped the barrier from the ground; Cevert was killed instantly, from injuries caused by the barrier that was meant to save his life.

A lot has changed since those days, and Stewart was one of the men who most contributed to that. After retirement, he lead a campaign for improved safety in both tracks and cars. It took time for safety to arrive at today’s standards, but F1 can now boast an incredibly positive record. Despite some big shunts, only one driver lost his life in the past 25 years. People like Stewart, Charlie Whiting and Dr. Sid Watkins were instrumental in achieving this remarkable record, and the changes they campaigned for have saved many drivers. 

Romain Grosjean added his name to that list yesterday. As the replays of his accident hit our screens, and the carcass of his survival cell became visible in the wreckage, it was clear that the barrier had given in. His head would have gone straight into the upper section of the barrier, at a speed of over 200km/h; just like his countryman 47 years ago, the car headed to the barrier at close to an 90 degree angle. Had it not been for the halo, the last great measure championed by Whiting before his untimely death, Grosjean would surely not have survived.

But for all that was impressive in how the car, the marshals and the medical car protected and ultimately rescued the driver, there are questions to be asked, particularly about the barrier. Improvements in barrier technology were one of the most important steps towards driver safety; accidents like the one that killed Cevert showed the importance of improving the design and build of the barriers to ensure that they could sustain heavy impacts without breaking apart. Barriers that were supposed to save lives were taking them instead.

Which is why we have to question what happened to Grosjean’s car. The similarities between Grosjean’s and Cevert’s crashes are inescapable, and in both cases the barriers failed to do their job. Yes, the halo saved Grosjean’s life, but the main point should be the fact that the halo should not have been necessary at all. If the barrier had fulfilled its purpose of absorbing the impact and throwing the car back out, the halo would have played no part in this crash at all.

To make matters worse, the way the fail structures of the car are meant to work, once the survival cell was stuck in the guard-rail, the back of the car had nowhere to go and, as it’s meant to do, it split from the monocoque. The violence of the impact and the fact the chassis was wedged between sections of the barrier probably led to the break happening further back in the car structure than it should. (I am in no means an expert in this, so take this sentence with several grains of salt) This, in turn, led to a fuel line rupturing, which led to the fire. The barrier failure not only caused the accident to be more serious than it should have been, it also caused a fire that made the driver escape harder and more dangerous than it should have been.

Don’t get me wrong: I don’t want to diss on the FIA, when their relentless pursuit of safety has significantly contributed to saving many drivers’ lives. Grosjean’s survival was not a matter of luck, or a miracle, as many have said; it was the product of decades of work and science by those in charge of the sport. If news of tragedy are now rare in motorsports, we owe it to them. There is also no way to entirely remove the danger factor off these sports: every time a driver straps themselves to a cockpit, there is always a possibility that it will be their last time.

But certain elements of danger should be a thing of the past, and what happened to Grosjean is definitely one of them. There will certainly be a thorough investigation into the crash and the causes of this failure will come to light. If the past is any indication, the FIA will learn new lessons and will implement new measures to ensure that barriers will be improved and will continue to do their job. Most importantly, I am certain they will ensure that barriers will not endanger drivers’ lives rather than save them.

The comments made by Ross Brawn after the race were very encouraging. Instead of the usual platitudes about what a great job they have done to protect drivers, he talked about the things that did go wrong. It shows that the willingness to admit problems and study solutions has not gone away and that there will be a continued resolve towards protecting the stars of the show.

We should rejoice that Grosjean survived with only minor injuries what was quite possibly the scariest accident of the past 25 years. Witnessing a car burst into flames was something that we thought belonged to the distant past and brought home the stark reality of the risks these super humans take for our entertainment. But we should also not allow such an incredible escape to blind us to glaring problems that led to this big scare in the first place. There were other times in the past in which we were lulled into a sense of false security by miraculous escapes. Let’s not repeat that mistake.

Talking points

•  When the race eventually got underway, it significantly helped to clear the fight for third in the constructors’ championship. What little hopes Renault and Ferrari still had were ended, and Racing Point lost a bag full of points when the chequered flag was in the horizon. Perez had another masterful race, taking third place early on and controlling Albon from a distance. His engine giving up the ghost was a cruel moment for the team, with the despair etched on Otmar Szafnauer’s face and body language in the pit wall.

•  The major beneficiaries of Perez’ misfortune were McLaren, who leapfrogged Racing Point and are now 17 points clear in third. Even without that retirement, they would have still outscored the pink panthers, but this has made them overwhelming favourites in this particular battle. As mentioned in an earlier review, they continue to maximise their results even when they don’t have the fastest car. That ability to get the job done even when the odds are against them is an excellent sign for the team’s future.

•  And Sainz’s race was enormous. P5, coming from P15 on the grid? Bwoah.

•  Daniel Ricciardo, who will replace him at McLaren, left his teammate in the dust once again. The first time he was stuck behind Ocon he asked to be let by on the radio, as he was clearly faster; the team obliged and he quickly left his teammate behind. Later on, after a round of pit stops, he found himself behind Ocon again but this time passed without the assistance of the pit wall. The Frenchman is not a bad driver, but the Aussie’s superb form is making him look vulgar.

•  Albon inherited a spot on the podium, and, after his big crash on FP2, the champagne must have tasted sweet indeed, but it was not lost on anyone how he lost the battle to Perez, the one driver vying for his seat, while driving superior machinery. Nevertheless, it is a moment that can give him a boost of confidence for the final two races and allow him to relieve some of the pressure.

•  When asked after the race about the potential for drivers refusing to drive after witnessing such a terrible accident, Verstappen said that if he was a team boss he would fire them on the spot. The Dutchman’s alpha male attitude is beginning to grate a lot of people the wrong way, especially when his words have such a negative connotation in terms of mental health. It was heartening, though, to see a few of the drivers of the 2019 F2 grid were quick to denounce his words, having lived through something even worse than Grosjean’s crash. There is a different mentality in the new generation of drivers coming through, making Verstappen’s attitude look more and more out of place in today’s motorsports.

•  Pierre Gasly drove another masterclass, this time in terms of tyre management. He was struggling by the end and was saved by the late safety car, but would have nevertheless (quite probably) finished P8 on a one-stop strategy in one of the most tyre abrasive tracks on the calendar. It was risky, but with Perez’ failure at the end, it proved to be a good roll of the dice by AlphaTauri.

•  At the front, nothing new. Hamilton controlled the pace from start to finish, keeping Verstappen at bay and always responding when the Red Bull driver pushed that little bit harder. In the end, the Dutchman had nine of the ten fastest laps of the race, but it was still no match for Hamilton’s consistency over a grand prix distance. Try as he might, his car is no match for the W11 and that is robbing us of a mighty fight between arguably the two best drivers on the grid.

•  Dr. Ian Roberts deserves all the plaudits he is getting, and then some, for the way he ran towards the flames to help Grosjean escape the wreckage. With protective equipment that is far less safe than the drivers’, he still dared to run towards the fire. Enormous bravery.

•  A different type of bravery was shown by the Haas team members, who still had a car running in the race and carried on with their jobs. Even knowing that Grosjean was ok, it must have been difficult to continue their work after that enormous scare. But carry on they did; a special bow to them for that as well.

•  To cap off another miserable weekend in terms of safety, a marshal crossed the track with a fire extinguisher in his hands right in front of Lando Norris’ car. He was trying to reach Perez’ stricken Racing Point, and the safety car had been deployed, so the speed of the cars had been significantly reduced, but this is a risk that simply should not be taken. An eerily similar situation killed Tom Pryce in 1977. And once again, Michael Masi shrugged it off by saying that, while not ideal, we should not castrate (his words, not mine) anyone for trying to help put out a fire. Non-chalant, flippant, callous. I miss Charlie Whiting.

[monicalposts]

Speak LIFE!

Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof. (Proverbs 18:21 KJV)

 This biblical truth comes to mind frequently so let’s unpack it today.

How can something as small as the tongue cause death? How can it cause life?

The proverbs are thought to be a blueprint of wisdom for us to refer to in all of life’s challenges and opportunities. There are multitudes of decisions and choices we make every day of our life, and in times of confusion and uncertainty, the book of Proverbs is a good place to spend time to refresh and restore and renew your mind.

Our minds have two parts – the conscious or thinking mind, the one that produces our thoughts, which turn out to precede our words.

The subconscious mind is the other part. Our subconscious mind is both friend and foe. Why? Because it has no judgmental ability. Therefore, any thought you repeatedly think, any words you repeatedly say, take root….deep, deep root in the subconscious and from there, all future actions you take and emotions you experience arise. Therefore, the fruit that grows in the subconscious mind is either nourishing or poisonous. The words implanted there are what cause life and death as you consume them.

Mind you (no pun intended) your thoughts and words have impact on more than just your own private subconscious mind. Oh yeah – your thoughts and your words ping the subconscious minds of all who are in listening distance, at a minimum, to you.

I’ve said this before, but it bears repeating: speak life! Especially to youngsters in your environment. Kids younger than eight years old are most susceptible to the words and ideas that surround them. As little children, they have not yet developed the abilities common to you and me, to be discerning, to question, to refute, to reject, to ignore words they hear. It is imperative that we as the adults protect and nurture all young children with loving, kind, inspiring and helpful words. In this way, they shall eat of the fruit of life, understand?

As kids continue to mature, as they enter adolescence and then the teenage years, it is even more important to guard the words said to and around them. Kids that age begin to reason and use their logic but, if a repetitive theme in what they hear is that they are lacking, that they are unworthy, that they are lazy, unlovable, even stupid, then they mimic these thoughts and may begin to model what they hear. In this case, death of their spirit, their ability to dream, their use of their imagination in positive ways can be irreparably damaged. Speak life.

Guard your thoughts and your words around other adults as well. Not only yours, but the words others say too. This beautiful, smart accomplished older woman I know often says words to herself in the hearing of others like, I’m so stupid.  I can’t …., I just don’t think I could ever…  When I hear this, I usually gently but firmly refute what she said, and encourage her to say more positive things about herself.  It’s a work in progress because we habitually think and say much of the same things repeatedly. That’s how our paradigms, our intrinsic, deeply held beliefs and convictions, are formed.

Finally, notice what words you are saying to yourself. What do your conversations with yourself and with our Creator sound like? Are you planting words of life, of growth, of meaning, purpose and love deep within your subconscious mind?  How will you know?  Assess the results you see in your life.  Your life will ultimately reflect on the outside what you say to yourself on the inside. Is there any lie that has taken root in your life? The lie that you are unworthy? That you are not lovable? That you are incapable in any area important to you? That things will never improve? That there is no hope? If so, make a decision to do a 180 with the self talk you allow.  When you notice a negative, repetitive thought keeping you from the abundance God wants for you, then refute it in Jesus’ name. Replace it with an opposite, or better thought that serves you.  Repeat it over and over, as it is the repetitive nature of our words, our thoughts, that cultivates the fruit in our mind. 

Death and life are in the power of the tongue. Choose life! Speak life!

[one-boring-person]

I Trust You.

Marko (The Lost Boys) x Chiraptophobic!reader

Warnings: very vague mention of abuse, but they do not apply to the reader necessarily.

Context: The reader suffers from chiraptophobia (the fear of physical human contact/touch) and has somehow found themself in a friendship with Marko, who has somehow managed to understand how to not constantly need to touch his friend to show affection, until they take a ride on the Ferris wheel.

A/N: This was interesting to write, so j hope it's turned out alright. I guess I took a little inspiration from Death Stranding's Sam, but I thought it would be fun to do which it was. I hope it's enjoyable!😊💛

Masterlist

It took Marko weeks to finally figure out why I always shied away from his advances, why I'd stared uncomfortably at his offered hand until he withdrew it when he'd tried to shake mine in greeting, why I always wore gloves even in the suffocatingly hot summer air (despite him doing the same), and why I wouldn't go near people I don't know personally, often doing my hardest to steer clear of others in general. Rather than ask, he tried to work it out for himself, observing my behaviour and mannerisms for hours on end, though he still couldn't get what was up with my actions. He'd had to ask for some help from the others, though only David and Dwayne could offer any plausible reasons as to why: maybe I'd been abused in my past and was now averse to unfamiliar human contact, or maybe I was a germophobe. When the young vampire had asked me about both, I'd quickly denied them, thinking that it is unlikely he'd understand the real reason for my odd behaviour. It was only when he saw another person try to shake my hand that he finally noticed the emotion passing through my eyes at the prospect, at which point it all clicked into place. I was afraid of the contact.

Explaining to him what chiraptophobia is was surprisingly easy, though he was a little disappointed by this fact, being a very touch-driven person when around others, even when not in a relationship, though he did manage to take it in his stride, taking time to inform the boys of this as well, in case one of them accidentally made me uncomfortable. He'd nearly ripped Paul's head off when the taller vampire tried to wrap his arm around my shoulders, only letting up when I told him it was alright, that there was no harm done, despite how uneasy I felt afterwards. Since then, Marko has become almost like a bodyguard for me, making sure no one ever comes into my personal space, all while keeping his distance, too, respecting my limits.

We became fast friends, so much so that he eventually told me his secret, revealing his true self to me on one of the nights we chose to hang out together, alone, on the beach, a night I'd never forget. Naturally, I'd been shaken by this revelation, but soon grew used to the idea, knowing that my friend would never hurt me, not intentionally. After a few months, I finally felt comfortable enough to let him touch my gloved hand, though it still made me feel a little uneasy, the sensation of another person's fingers on mine unfamiliar and disturbing to me, but it made the vampire unbelievably happy, a bright smile plastering itself across his face for the rest of the night. He tells me he had to fight off the urge to hug me, for which I'm very grateful - touching a covered hand is very different to being enveloped in an embrace. Since then, he's taken any chance he can get to hold or touch my hand, always beaming like a beacon when he does so, my discomfort in the contact fading a little over time, though I'd soon found that it was only with the curly haired blonde that my body reacted like this, having asked Dwayne to try at some point, to see if it improved overall. Having come up negative in this test, I gave contact one last try with David, who never seems to take off his gloves, only to find that his touch made me uneasy as much as Dwayne's had, despite the two layers of cloth between our respective fingertips. The memory still sets me on edge, though I am well aware it has nothing to do with either David or Dwayne, rather my own mentality.

A shiver goes up my spine as I feel a hand slip into mine, though I quickly recognise the young vampire stepping in beside me, my stance relaxing again when my body realises whose touch it is, though my arm still remains a little tense, out of habit. Reassuringly, Marko swipes a thumb over the back of my glove, glad that I haven't rejected the contact yet, meaning I'm doing better than normal.

"Hey Stranger." He greets, grinning widely at me.

"Hey Blondie." I reply, smiling back at him in return, before casting a quick glance around for the others, "What'd you do with the other three?"

"They're around. Not sure where." The young vampire shrugs, dismissing the question quickly, "How was your day?"

"Not too bad. I didn't get much work done though, I was too preoccupied."

"Preoccupied? With what?" Marko inquires, raising an eyebrow at me in confusion, though his lips are still quirked up into an amused curve.

"That's for me to know, and for you to figure out." I chuckle, tapping the side of my nose secretively.

"Challenge accepted." He smirks, eyes lighting up at the prospect.

I smile at him as we walk, knowing he'll figure it out eventually, the answer being a little closer to home than he thinks.

"Anyway, how'd you sleep?" I question him, eyeing the Ferris wheel off to the side of the Boardwalk.

"Better than usual, actually."

"Oh yeah? How come?"

"Paul didn't snore so much for once, and David wasn't muttering in his sleep either, so it was pretty quiet, altogether." He explains, smiling when I laugh at the mention of David.

"Wait, David talks in his sleep?"

"Yeah, but you can't tell anyone! And especially don't tell him that I told you, or I'll have my ass kicked to the moon and back." Marko grins, biting his thumb as if nervous, though I'm aware that this is one of his signature mannerisms.

"That's a lot of ass-kicking. Probably quite impressive to watch. " I muse, noticing his arm lift slightly, as if to give me a playful slap on the arm, as he normally would've done with someone else, only to briefly squeeze my hand instead, shaking his head in mock exasperation. I grin at him, before turning my gaze back towards the Ferris wheel, admiring the glittering lights in the black night sky, wondering what the view is like up there.

"Wanna take a ride?" Marko interrupts my thoughts, eyebrow raised in amusement.

"Huh?" I blurt out, not having heard his question, quickly snapping my eyes back to his.

"Do you wanna go on the wheel with me?" He repeats, gesturing with a nod of the head to the great circular structure a little way away.

"I would love to, but I don't have any money on me tonight. I forgot my change." I say, somewhat remorsefully, using my free hand to pat my pockets to check for any loose coins, though I'm well aware I have none, having spent it all on food earlier in the evening.

"Who said anything about you paying? Come on, it'll be fun!" The blonde vampire promises, pulling me into the crowd, which parts around us thanks to his reputation (and choice of company), meaning no one comes into touching distance. At one point, my arm brushes past some surfer's bare bicep, which sends uncomfortable shivers and goosebumps through my body, the bitter, irrational fear that comes with it soon biting at the back of my mind, my pulse picking up slightly in response, my muscles turning rigid under my clothes. Marko notices this, briefly stopping to make sure I'm ok, before turning to memorize the surfer's face, most likely intending to take it up with him later, before we continue on, swiftly reaching the shortening queue for the Ferris wheel. Beside me, Marko fidgets and shifts in place, clearly eager to get on the rotating structure, his thumb between his teeth as usual, doe eyes focused on the ticket booth.

"Calm down, Blondie. The wheel isn't going anywhere." I laugh, watching the people around us as they amble to and fro, inching out of the way as a group of made-up girls push past, wincing as I brush against Marko, only to feel surprised when I don't feel the usual discomfort rising up in me from the contact, setting a train of thought into motion. I barely notice as the queue diminishes, only really returning to the present when we reach the booth, at which point Marko buys two tickets and leads me into one of the seats. An attendant comes over to help us secure ourselves, but Marko quickly stares him down, doing the job himself with efficiency.

Not too long after, we've reached a decent way off from the ground, our feet swinging gently in the air as we watch the Boardwalk from above, grinning and joking with each other as we take it in turns pointing out random individuals, making comments about them until the other laughs. At one point, the young vampire manages to spot David, Dwayne and Paul, making some sort of remark about how the leader's hair "looks like a pineapple from the top", before comparing the latter's to a mop. I do my best to hold back my laughter, but it only results in me nearly choking as he starts pointing out more and more likenesses between his friends and everyday objects, tears threatening to spill as I struggle to contain myself. It is only in this moment, that I realise one thing, but it takes me a couple more minutes to act on the thought that has sprung to mind.

Slowly, I pull off my left glove, teasing each finger out of their designated space with a deliberate hesitation, wriggling them a bit once I've exposed them to the air, enjoying the sensation of the light breeze around my heated digits. Marko makes a point of ignoring this, turning his gaze up to the star-strewn sky instead, only to snap his eyes back to mine when he feels a single finger touch the skin of his hand. Gingerly, I trace it over his knuckle, expecting to feel a rush of discomfort, my movements careful and calculated, knowing this is the first time in years that I've had deliberate contact with another person's skin. From my fingertip, it feels as if an electric shock has travelled through me, butterflies suddenly appearing in my stomach. Biting my lip when nothing bad happens, I continue this movement with the rest of my fingers, cautiously slipping my hand into his, enjoying the feeling of his icy cold palm against my warmed one, my eyes finding his shocked ones as our fingers intertwine. In them, I find a tonne of questioning, though he makes no move to actually ask, instead remaining quiet, carefully tightening his grip around my hand as he tries his best to feel as much of my soft skin as he can, the calluses from the handlebars of his bike rubbing slightly.

"What does this mean?" He eventually queries, elated that he can finally hold my hand without a glove being in the way.

"It means that I trust you. I've had no reaction to your contact, and I think it's because I enjoy being with you, and also because you've increased my confidence levels a lot since we first met. I've been trying to figure out why I'm ok with you touching me and no one else all day, which is why I was too preoccupied to work, but I finally worked it out." I inform him, telling him part of the truth - in reality, my trust goes a lot further than wanting a platonic friendship.

Marko is quiet for a moment, as if not quite understanding what I've told him.

"You trust me?" His voice is laced with disbelief, eyes fixing on mine again.

"I do."

Eyes widening again, he smiles, his other hand coming up, as if to try and wrap me in a hug, but the awkward positioning of the barrier, as well as the reminder of my usual discomfort, stop him in his tracks, his hand tightening around mine instead .

"I'm really glad you feel that way, (Y/n). Not many people do." He chuckles, referring to the naturally predatory air he gives off, being a vampire and all, still surprised that I let him touch me.

"I feel safe around you because I know you're my friend, but not many people can have the same claim." I point out, watching the view a little, enjoying the sight of the many glittering lights sprawled out before me, admiring the tiny orange specks of fires on the beach, as well as the rapidly moving headlights of a train passing through the outskirts of Santa Carla, most likely heading out towards the Bridge.

"Fair point." Marko agrees, still staring at our joined hands, which he continues to do until we reach the bottom of the wheel again, at which point he has to let go in order to remove the barrier from our laps. As soon as we're back on the Boardwalk, however, I slip my hand back into his, a small feeling of warmth welling up in me as I see the bright smile splitting his face, clearly happy that I've willingly made contact with him again.

A whistle behind us draws our attention, the sound belonging to a grinning Paul, who approaches us, along with David and Dwayne, who are both smiling at the sight of us, the latter more so than the former, though both seem glad to see their friend happy. As they come closer, I make eye contact with Dwayne, who lifts an eyebrow in questioning, a smirk making its way onto his face when I silently give him a nod, knowing he understands what it means.

I've fallen hard for the blonde vampire who's helped me get over my fear.

[freelynerdyslytherin]

Thick Skin

I like to pretend I have thick skin, but with some subjects, I don’t. I handle criticism of my art technique without batting an eye; I want to know how to get better at depicting the human frame, I want to hear your experience, and understand how to improve. I mock my own depression and anxiety with dignity and humor, but I don’t discount anyone else’s. I laugh at my own whiteness, and how I can’t handle spicy foods to save my life. I note how low my alcohol tolerance is for wine, and I acknowledge these shortcomings with jokes and levity. Self-deprecating humor is on-par with my brand, it’s just how I roll.

But there are some areas where I can’t stand to hear someone call me out on. If you comment on anything that I’m insecure about, you may not see it, but I start to fall apart on the inside. It’s not like I want to, but there are some things that I don’t have the strength to defend myself on. 

I can’t defend myself if people talk about my weight. I’m not obese, but I’m certainly no size 0. I have a bit of a tummy and I weigh over 190 lbs since I last checked. It seems as though whenever I look in the mirror, my neck seems a little less defined and my double chin seems to be easier to see. I know I’m not ugly, but whenever I see how unphotogenic I am, it feels like the same thing. When I’m told I’m unphotogenic, I can’t defend myself. 

I think the biggest reason for all of this is, whenever people say things I can’t defend myself on, it’s because I agree with them. I know I weigh more than I should. I know I look horrible in photos, even if I’m wearing makeup and look pretty in person. I’ve had abysmally low self-esteem since elementary school, when one of the people I considered my friend at the time told me that nothing I could ever do would make me pretty. It seems as though ever since then, I’ve been trying to prove myself wrong and feel as though I’m worth it. It’s hard when you don’t think you are. It’s even harder when you hear your fears voiced by someone else. 

It can sometimes be easier to ignore the voice in your head that says you’re ugly if it’s only coming from the inside. In my case, I’m usually okay as long as I don’t let anyone else tell me what I secretly think. But when someone confirms my fears, it’s like a vortex of negative thoughts opens up. I get caught in a spiral and I become incredibly anxious, caught in a loop of hating a trait I have and being unable to disprove my inner voice. 

Other times, it’s targeting something I like. It only takes one person saying, “why do you like that stuff, it’s so stupid” to make you feel inferior, even if you didn’t think about it that way before. It happened in middle school, and it was repeated at me so many times that I lost count. Now, I’m incredibly insecure about my interests and I always feel as though I have to justify why I like something--it can never just be, “It’s good music, so I like it.” I have to have a million reasons to justify it, and it’s never enough. I feel like I’ll be mocked if I don’t have good reasons. Sometimes, I am--it depends on the subject matter and how silly it may or may not be--but it never hurts any less. 

I like to think I have thick skin. In many cases, I do. But we all have our insecurities... and some of those are really hard to shake.

[mariaorsic]

The Importance, Role, And Power Of Our Subconscious Minds

We are all victims of some kind of bad programming. Some people were programmed to think they have God-given right to exploit, persecute, and dominate other people. Some were programmed to think they were born to be financially poor and serve “wealth”, by laboring from their young age to their caskets, and some were programmed to think they have genetic predispositions to be obese. In any case, we are all being powered by programs that are controlling our minds, which means informations and thoughts we adopt have absolute control over all areas of our lives (and bodies), from social life to financial incomes.

Since only one percent of the global population controls 97% of the money, it is not hard to realize most of us have grown up in poverty. Not just financial poverty, but all kinds of poverty that we can and usually are led to from the point of being or becoming financially poor.

Many marriages fell apart as a result of financial poverty. Many children stopped daring to dream or chase their dreams. In fact, since children have highly suggestible subconscious minds active for most of the time, they are easily influenced by their impoverished, overly-cautious, bitter, discouraged, fearful parents. The aftermath?

Those children grow up into younger mental & characteristic replicas of their parents, which means that all kinds of poverty are inheritable.

Yet, 1% which controls pretty much everything we can imagine, from radio, music, and movie industry to pharma and military industry is giving their best to extinguish even our last will to “fight” for the creation of better, and healthier living standards. We are being bombarded with destructive information, thoughts, pictures, sounds (frequencies) all the time.

However, a partial cause of your poverty may be found in you. After all, you can change yourself. Start a journey into prosperity by reprogramming your (subconscious) mind. From now-on, FORGET opinions and thoughts about money and fortune which you inherited or adopted.

FIRST of all, money is NOT evil. It surely can be used for evil deeds, but it can also be used for noble deeds. Therefore, materials are neutral. The reason you must stop seeing money as evil is the change (improvement) of vibration (frequency, energy) your mind is operating at for most of the time, because everything, and everyone works, lives, and exists on a certain frequency. Poverty and fortune are not exceptions.

The frequency of a cold cocoa-milk mix is much higher than of the hot cocoa-milk mix. White and black ceramic cups of the same size and shape have different frequencies. Don’t believe me? Fine, make a test! Take two identical ceramic cups, one white, and one black. Fill them with the exact amount of water, and take a small teaspoon. Make a sound test! The difference will shock you. By the way, never ever use dark-colored dishes, clothes, etc.

Anyway, back to the point about the money. Once you realize that money is not evil nor is poverty noble, you will automatically start attracting greater opportunities into your life, because the frequency your mind operates at will skyrocket. Like attracts like. You will suddenly start finding yourself being in a harmony with (frequencies of) greater incomes.

SECOND, replace negative thoughts, opinions, and pictures with positive ones. Remember, subconscious minds accept all orders and opinions as “right”/”correct”, and “truthful”. Yes, you can remain focused on poverty that can be found in everyone and everything, and you can keep thinking about it forever, but that will not do you any good.

By embracing the same old thoughts you will find yourself repeating the same old actions (that are being called “habits”), and you will find yourself “manifesting” the same old results.

Therefore, build a new habit of being focused on building a positive, courageous, determined, and focused mindset, that will deliver you into a new spiritual realm/level, on which your character will be unrecognizable.

I suggest you avoid “negative” people because no matter how positive you are, after seven minutes of being in their presence, your mind will enter a harmonious state with their minds.

So, if you are an optimist who deals with a single pessimist at the time, your energy will decrease, his/her will increase.

If you are an alone optimist in a group of pessimists, you will become a pessimist, at least for a while, because their mental energy is dominant over yours.

If you are an optimist who is surrounded by negative family members, try to avoid them. Spend more time in nature (trees can lift our spirits up), or exercising. Build an iron mindset by constant repetition of positive affirmations, and try to concrete the following idea to your mind: “Other people cannot affect me. I am the captain of my mind.”. That idea really helped me, because, for a long period of years, I was able to be positive only when alone. Whenever a negative, drama-stricken mind would enter my presence, I would lose the ground and begin to sink into the old, negative, and destructive mindset. I highly suggest the teachings of Dr. Joseph Murphy who claimed it is insanity to let other people affect your mind.

THIRD: you must realize, you are not your mind. Stop searching for answers and solutions in your mind or the outer world. If your mind knew any better, rest assured it would not create any problems in the first place. Your mind is the creator of all “problems” in your life. In fact, there are no “problems”, just “things” your mind calls problems. Once you quit letting your mind have control over you, you will take the wheel.

Human beings live on three different plains of existence simultaneously:

A) Physical — Outer

B) Mental — Central/Middle

C) Spiritual — Inner

Instead of being subdued (dominated) by your mind, start paying attention to the inner voice. It is the voice of your soul. With a little practice, it could become immensely powerful. In fact, if you want to know yourself, you must start listening to your inner voice, instead of your mind (or the body). You are a spiritual being in a physical body.

Do not let the outer world control your inner world. Instead, create your outer world by following the orders of your Spirit (inner voice).

Therefore, each and every time your mind tries to stop you, discourage you, intimidate you, go back to affirmations and start reading them. The reprogramming process may last for a day, a year, or a decade. Do not hurry nor force the change to occur. After all, you’ve been programmed since your birth!

FOURTH: of immense importance is to stop listening to music/songs with negative lyrics that contain I-finite negative affirmations. For example, the song “Bitter Sweet Symphony”, by the band: “The Verve”.

“No change, I can’t change, I can’t change, I can’t change, but I’m here in my mold, I am here in my mold. But I’m a million different people from one day to the next. I can’t change my mold, no, no, no, no, no, no, no…”

You see, “the enemy” is sneaky and wise. Rest assured, he will not be direct and tell you to start repeating that you are poor, or brokenhearted. Instead, he will embed such destructive affirmations into a catchy and what seemed-to-be “positive” song.

When you begin to sing it, you are actually programming your subconscious mind, and therefore, creating/manifesting a negative reality. To think and speak negative, yet expect something positive to happen is insane. It is equal to jumping off a building and expecting to go up. The law never changes.

Therefore, start paying close attention to the lyrics of songs you like to listen to. Stop reading news, start avoiding pessimists, and ignore movies/videos that contain gore/explicit scenes, language, etc.

FIFTH: tune your music (preferably happy instrumentals) to 432 Hz.

Shortly; standard worldwide tuning 440 Hz, which is unnatural, and destructive. 432 Hz is natural. I strongly suggest listening to 432 Hz piano overnight (while sleeping). If you encounter bad dreams while listening to such melodies, start celebrating, because that is the first sign of mental cleanup. Your old, hidden, and consciously forgotten traumas are reaching the surface and dissolving.

[where2next]

How to Save Up Money for Travel

One of the biggest obstacles keeping people from traveling to their dream destinations is not having enough money. You can learn plenty of tips to significantly lower the costs, but the reality is that travel is still not a cheap endeavor.  Getting your finances in order is the only solution to reaching that goal of traveling every year. There are some concrete principles which need to be followed in order to put you on the path to your ultimate travel goals. The good news here is that these principles are not specific to only your travel budget but they can be used for every aspect of your life. You will have to put in the work, but you will be reaping the benefits of it for years to come, complete with being able to call yourself a world traveler!

Get started in financial literacy

For any area of life in which you want to make improvements, learning the important information is key.  Here you will find many of the core principles of budgeting and personal finance, but do not stop there. I fully encourage you to explore the wealth of knowledge freely available in blogs, podcasts, and videos. For our purposes, we highlight some of the basic actions to be taken so that you can start saving money for the purposes of travel.

Pay off high interest debt

The very first thing every person should do no matter what their travel goals are is to assess their debt. If you are buried in debt, your priority should not be traveling anyway until you are free from that burden. A good rule of thumb is to make a plan to pay off any debt above 5% interest. If you have any extra money at all after your expenses it should be put towards this debt. Mathematically, you should try to pay off the highest interest debt first because that will save you the most money. However, we are humans and it can be very unmotivating to try to pay off that debt if it is a large number. The most important thing is getting the debt paid off, not necessarily the order, so a popular tool people use is called the snowball method. With this method, you will pay the smallest balance first. For instance if you have $20,000 in student loans, a $2,000 personal loan and $1,000 in credit card debt, you would pay off the credit cards first. Once that debt is paid, whatever you were paying towards it gets added towards the next smallest debt, in this case the personal loan. You repeat that process until you are out of debt. Getting these small wins initially and seeing some results gives you motivation and will make it more likely that you will stick with it until you finally achieve freedom from debt.

Make a personal budget

It is true that “what gets measured gets fixed.”  To find the weak points in your spending habits, you need to first figure out what you are spending your money on. This can be done very easily these days with free budgeting apps like Mint or with more in depth paid software like YNAB. However, if you want to go fully customized, you can just plug your numbers into a spreadsheet on Excel or Google Sheets. Simply take all of the money you earn in a month and subtract all the money you spend in that month and see what is left over. If you have a negative number at the bottom, you have a problem. Budgeting is not glamorous work, but understanding your own habits can be very powerful and honestly quite surprising. When I started budgeting one thing I believed about myself is that I didn’t eat out very often; hardly at all. Well, after 6 months of tracking all of my expenses, I realized that what I usually spent eating out was roughly double what I had initially estimated. I just had a short memory. Once you have your budget you should get a clear picture of where you may be able to cut some expenses and you can choose what is most important to you. One example that always seems to come up in personal finance is getting rid of your morning coffee run to save money. That can be beneficial if you are motivated to do it but what if you really love that morning coffee? The point is your budget will help you prioritize which areas of your spending are more important to you. To continue with my own example, once I saw what I was spending on eating out I still wasn’t really motivated to change anything AT FIRST. However, things took a drastic turn once I started putting savings into my budget for travel. Afterwards when I would think about stopping to get some Chipotle I would ask myself, “Would I rather get Chipotle right now, or would I rather eat at home and go to Peru this year?” Sometimes I would still get the Chipotle but overwhelmingly I started choosing my travel goals and spent almost nothing on eating out. Putting my goals in the budget made them very real and motivating for me.

 Make a budget for your trip

Now that you have your monthly budget, you have to figure out what your savings goal will be in order to take your trip. This takes a lot of planning, but it can be a very rewarding process. Not only will you know how much money you need to reach your goal and how long that should take, but you will get to experience the trip twice: once while in the planning phase, and then again when you actually go there. Discovering the famous attractions and lesser known areas of a new destination can be very exciting and can help you keep your focus on why you are doing this. Find out what things you most want to do and then search for the deals around them for lodging and transportation. Add up all of those costs plus a little more for unforeseen expenses and you will have a number to set your goal. After that, it is just a matter of discipline and patience until you have saved enough and you can be on your trip!

Have an accountability partner

Anything that requires discipline and willpower is an easier process when you don’t have to do it alone. Have a friend or family member keep you accountable for sticking to your budget. If you plan to travel with friends, you can keep each other accountable and with this shared goal, it is much easier to stick to it until the end. Make sure you check in with each other at least once a week and you must be honest with each other. This is the only way you will learn and grow from mistakes made.

Ways to cut spending

One of the quickest ways to realize your financial goals is to cut any unnecessary spending. Once you start doing this, you will naturally start to prioritize what things are more important to you and what things you truly do not miss. Here are some common ways to cut spending:

Eating Out - Eating out can be an expensive hobby. It is also easy to fall into both from a social standpoint (all of your friends are going out) and from an energy standpoint (I don’t feel like cooking today). The thing is, this is simply not a necessity. Not only is cooking at home healthier for you, but it is going to save you a lot of money and helps you learn a valuable skill. If you are very busy and can’t cook all the time, buying ready-to-go meals at the grocery store is still cheaper than eating out.

Alcohol - This is another category that is not a necessity. Cutting out alcohol can also increase your health as well as your savings. Some people may want to cut it completely for the savings but even if you don’t want to cut it completely, budget to buy some alcohol for home. Don’t go to a bar where you will be paying for expensive drinks.

Coffee - Many people love their coffee. Still, if you want to save, consider making coffee at home rather than going to Starbucks or your local coffee shop. You will be spending pennies on the dollar.

Going to the movies - Going to the movies can be exciting, but more and more technology is letting us have just as good of an experience at home. Not to mention movie theater concessions have a ridiculously high mark up. Opt to make popcorn at home and enjoy a movie in the comfort of your own living room.

Going shopping - Most of us in the U.S. have more clothes than we need. In fact, many people have clothing hanging in their closets that has never been worn. Unless you absolutely need something like a new dress or new pants for a job interview, stop shopping retail.

Negotiating utilities and phone bills - Most people either don’t know or get complacent, but you can negotiate your bills! You should regularly be on the lookout for sales and promotions from your phone company, internet and tv providers, insurance providers, and more. Another good tactic is to switch providers of these services every so often because they will usually give some sort of discount to new customers. This is a great way to lower those bills that you pay every single month.

Ways to increase income and savings

Though this one can be harder to execute, it can also be the most effective. The easiest way to be able to save more money is simply by having more money in the first place. This is obviously much easier said than done but there are a few ways in which you can grow your dollars:

Ask for a raise - One of the quickest ways to get more money is to simply ask for it. Now this must be preceded by good work on your part, but many people could get at least a small pay bump just by asking for it. There are many helpful resources online on how to properly and effectively ask for a raise. If you get one, all of that money that you didn’t have before could be put toward your travel savings.

Avoid lifestyle inflation - Anytime that people do get a raise or get some unexpected income, they tend to adjust their habits to that new income level. However, if you are able to live just fine at your current income, then anything that you make on top of that should be put towards your savings. Do not succumb to lifestyle inflation just because it is easy. You know you can live on less. Do it and reap the benefits of more travel!

Start a side hustle - If you cannot get a raise or have already gotten one but still need more income, you can start something of your own to make money. If you enjoy woodworking, you can make furniture and knick knacks to sell. If you enjoy photography you can advertise to do pictures for people. If you don’t have a very flexible schedule but you have a car, drive Uber when you can. If you work hourly, see where you might be able to pick up an extra shift or two. There is technically no limit to what you can make into a side hustle. It is simply something that you do apart from your primary job that people will pay you for.

Save your tax return for your travel - When it comes time for you to receive your tax returns, plan to put it towards your next trip. If you have a good budget, your tax return isn’t needed in order to live anyway. Depending on the size of your tax return, that right there could fully fund your next adventure!

Open a high yield savings account - A quick and easy way to help your nest egg grow just a little faster is to put it in a high yield savings account. Most banks offer savings accounts that give less than a tenth of a percentage in interest. However, there are several online savings accounts like Ally Bank and CIT Bank that offer much higher interest rates up to 2%. This by no means will make you rich, but it is a good way to have the value of your money keep up with inflation.

Bottom Line

There are always ways to save up for the travel that you want to do. Once you understand how much your trip will cost, how much money you make each month, and how much money you spend each month, you can figure out exactly what you can save for your travel and how long it will take you. With a combination of increasing your income and slashing your spending, you will see positive results and before you know it, you will be on an airplane to your dream destination. Get out there and explore!

[thejosh1980]

Don't you know that you're toxic?

I was in a toxic relationship...

In fact I have been in a few... But the last one is the one I can still remember in some detail...

The first few, well they were immature drunk and disorderly scenarios. They are not important in this story, other than you should be aware I was pretty repetitive towards my approach to relationships back then.

The story I would like tell is about the 7 year old relationship that ended in March 2019.

This particular relationship had the biggest effect on me, my well being, and my happiness. And even though I married an amazing woman earlier this year, that last relationship is still a reminder of the baggage I have held onto since my first relationship.

It's time I unloaded that baggage and shed my skin.... Even if it's just a little bit... You know, small steps...

So, lets call my ex “Grumpy”...

In fact that's a name an American girlfriend of a drummer of a band we were watching called her once in Germany, literally minutes after meeting her. I should have seen that red flag even back then...

Look, Grumpy isn't a bad person, deep down I think she means well... But she just hasn't been able to get past her past... She wont let go of any stubborn insecurities, learn new coping mechanisms, and she wont forgive herself, or you for that matter... At least that's what I've experienced with her.

It's like whenever things don't go her way, whenever she's frustrated or doesn't know how to cope, she'd revert back to a 14 year old girl, which is when she had troubles with her Mum.

I mean honestly, who didn't have troubled teenage years??

I'm not saying she doesn't have a right to feel pain about some significant event or trauma, but she surely can't hold it over my head and expect me to hang around, forever...

During our relationship, I explained to her, that when I went into therapy (which at the beginning she thankfully helped me do) I had no idea what to expect. But I knew I couldn't continue the way I was and expect a happy outcome.

It took a long time, but I processed many of the issues and events of my past, which in turn helped my current situation and had a positive effect on my future. I learned new ways on how to cope with current problems, insecurities and learn to take responsibility for my actions and choices in life...

I forgave my Dad for not being a good father. I understand, he just didn't know better and chose not to learn how later in life... It's no excuse but I find some comfort in knowing I wasn't the problem. These days, I can be comfortable in his presence, no longer hoping for the Dad I've always needed, but enjoy his company for what it is...

I forgave my sister for her misgivings. She's a tough cookie, and very jealous of me. I think she's very jealous of my relationship with Mum, but my sister hasn't taken responsibility for her actions, and therefore it will be a long road before I can trust her, but I'm totally OK with that. She has her problems, and they are not mine to take responsibility for, anymore.

My grandparents on both sides were hard work over the years. I thought it was my fault too! But really it was their lack of empathy and understanding that created an atmosphere of negativity. They had every opportunity to be a good example to an impressionable young me. Luckily I learned to forgive them, even if I didn't actually say that to them while they were still alive. I forgave them and myself for contributing to the escalation, rather than finding resolution.

Grumpy knew I did this (and more) in therapy, and refused to consider it.

Now in all fairness, I originally refused to entertain the idea of counseling too, as I had a negative experience in my younger days (just like Grumpy), but when I reached my first breakdown around 2014 in a foreign country, I knew I needed help and I asked...

You know, I know she's still hurting over her past...

How can I tell?

Because it's been 18 months since I broke up with her, and she continues to create drama, instead of “adulting” and talking to me about it.

She's had every opportunity to deal with these post break up problems we all have had to go through like an adult (you know, splitting up the household belongings etc), without fail each time she has deflected, ignored, created more drama, lied or done something else that shows me, she has not recognized her part in our story.

Let's face it, it takes 2 to tango...

I've come to realize she treated me the way she did during our relationship, because she took me for granted. She thought I'd never have the courage or strength to actually leave her. I sure proved her wrong, didn't I!!!

We started our relationship drunk, and continued like that for 2 or so years. Grumpy and I could drink a lot, and did... We both were a bit rounder then too! We were never fully honest with each other or ourselves. I would say, we probably should have just been a short term fling, because we both weren't ready for long term, but we dived in anyhow...

That journey got me here, and that's totally fine. I have no regrets...

In case you didn't know, I wasn't a very strong person back then. I had little self esteem, and little self worth. So it was easy for both of us to “beat on” each other verbally and not resolve any issues. That's easy to do when someone just can't listen without demeaning you, without taking your feelings and smashing them against the wall... I was always ALWAYS in trouble. She was too sometimes back then... We both were in trouble...

As time went on with my therapy I processed a lot of things, and became ready for long term... I also knew I wanted to move back home, down under, eventually. That would be a hard decision, with or without Grumpy. I just couldn't imagine piling on more stress on top of stress with that relationship. I came to realize there was no future there unless something changed. We had to listen to each other, we had to trust each other, we had to respect each other.

I know I am not perfect, but surely if I can forgive her for things, she could step my way a little... Couldn't she? Didn't she have the power to learn to forgive? I mean really forgive someone and love them for all their faults? Didn't she have the power to grow? Unfortunately she didn't... I knew she didn't process anything because she was bringing up stuff from 2 or 3 or 6 years ago...

When I sobered up and seriously got into therapy, I had no idea what road it would take me down... But after talking about all my family issues, social anxiety issues and depression, the last thing was Grumpy. It took almost 5 years to get to the point where I acknowledged I was unhappy, I realized I didn't trust her and I couldn't see a future with her...

I just couldn't talk to her anymore. We just didn't trust each other anymore... That's the point...

The day we broke up, I had written her a letter, and I read her this letter. I read out a letter I had spent weeks writing making sure my adult words were being used (because without the letter I knew I'd revert to something less mature and less communicative). I clearly stated after trying many times, trying for years to correct our problems, I had come to realize we couldn't go forward. I decided we would break up to save each other from unnecessary pain. I couldn't see any steps going in the right direction in our relationship anymore...

I loved her, but it just wasn't working out, and didn't show any signs of improving.

Her first words were “I knew it” with tears rolling down her face...

I didn't want to do it, but I made a choice... Based on the past, for the present, to better my future.

Honestly I don't know if she wanted to recognize any of those times I tried to talk to her. She didn't want to see the signs. When she got frustrated and yelled at me, and I sat quietly listened and did my best not to raise my voice back. When I tried to talk sense to her she'd react like I was talking crazy.

Maybe she was scared? After all, change is a scary thing.

I changed a lot in those years since I started therapy and stopped drinking, always hoping Grumpy would come my way a little... For several years I was a huge contributing factor to our fights, but as time went on and I learned and grew, I started to de-escalate those fights. (Which generally made things worse!).

Apparently she didn't get the memo...

And she continues to blame me for that mistrust, because that's the way it goes when you don't take responsibility for your actions... It's always someone else's fault... The world owes me...

Even though she's been in a committed relationship since the beginning of 2020, she still hasn't let go of any anger, hurt, or resentment towards me. Her actions clearly show she hasn't processed our relationship, start, middle, or end, and would prefer to block me or stop all communication with me, before dealing with herself. She'd prefer to tell everyone else how bad I was, what I owed her, what I did to her, than think about her actions and how they affected our relationship.

It's like history repeating itself... And I am finding freedom in the fact I am no longer a character in her story.

I'm quite sure she'll keep the narrative within her circle of friends to make her look good, and me bad. But I like my narrative more (who wouldn't?), I feel we both were a mess... We were having a negative affect on each other. How or why, isn't as important as learning that communication, trust, forgiveness and respect are the things that were missing...

In fact, I think she dislikes anyone who has shown personal growth... It scares her... I think she's comfortable in her denial... She blames her Mum or her grandma... She blames me... Not once had I ever heard in all her years of coming home from work, “Oh it was me...”, “I did something wrong...” or “I messed up, I better say sorry...”

So how could I stay with someone who didn't take any responsibility?? How can I love someone who doesn't say “sorry”?

I was heart broken during the time leading up to reading Grumpy that letter...

I went back and forth in my head, could I see a future??? But in the end I couldn't... The one thing I realize, that is so important in my relationships, is good ol' communication. We lost that, when we lost the trust... It all turned toxic... Manipulative.... Twisted...

I wish her all the happiness the world throws at her.

We all deserve happiness... But Grumpy, sometimes you gotta work at it...

I could spend my time blaming her for so much of it but in the end, it was down to me. I am the one master of my fate... Just as she is... Then and now...

Thanks for reading,

Josh