#{ tell 'em that is my birthday ; 27th. }

[weekend-whip]

Can headcanons 🔫 hand ‘em over

(Jamie babysitter? First words? Accidental surprise powers?)

I was like 'can headcanons gun'??? What??? Is that a meme?? And then I realized

Baby!Camellia HCs GO!

General-

Cam's "birthday" is October 27th! (...which is the day Enter the Aftershock happened. Totally planned on Jesse's part.)

At first she sleeps, like, all the time, to the point that Jesse thinks she's sick or something (she's just extra exhausted from suddenly being spawned into existence). And Cole, always glad to have an excuse for nap, will sprawl out on the couch and cradle her on his chest so she can rest to his heartbeat.

...And then she shifts quickly into nearly never sleeping at all, constantly being fussy and crying, to the point that everyone in the Monastery has to take shifts staying up with her so they all can get some sleep (though Jesse takes on the bulk of these cuz he feels primarily responsible, but no one's actually mad nor minds)

They all then discover she will fall asleep instantly to Cole's Glow Worm song......and wonder if her crying all night is better than enduring Cole's singing. (Jesse can sing her to sleep too, but it takes way longer and you've gotta rock her at the same time)

She gets frightened by unfamiliar things very easily- unrecognizable sounds, new places, different faces, certain sensations (like putting a foot on grass/in water), etc. Lloyd is the one that patiently tries to help her adjust to the overwhelmingness of the world because he knows

She is very grabby, tugging at hair and clothes when and where she can and poking people's faces. She also likes messing with Lloyd's pointy ears (which he'd normally hates, but he can make an exception just this once)

She will steal what she can get her hands on, and will run off giggling with her loot. Cole's vibration tracing helps keep track of her baby crimes, thank the master.

She is obsessed with unicorns. Jay makes the mistake of gifting her a stuffed rainbow plush unicorn that they call 'Corn' and she almost never lets it go and turns into a monster when you try to take it from her.

("MY CORN!! MY CORN!!" "Jay what have you done" "I JUST THOUGHT IT WAS CUTE!!!")

Pixal is the one that designs/builds her bedroom, while Zane and Nya fill it with all the much needed supplies. Maybe too many supplies.

Wu is the one that gave her the headband with the pink camellia (he knew what was up)

Kai: ...I personally think she's got enough hair to get The Kai style~ Jesse: I'll kill you :D

Babysitting!-

Kai's idea of babysitting is taking Cam for rides in the Charger to get her to fall asleep (with Jesse nagging him constantly to not drive like a maniac). At first Cam is intimidated by the car rides, but winds up loving watching the scenery whiz by and enables Kai to go faster (which entirely defeated the point of the car rides in the first place)

"...All right don't tell your dads" *floors it* "WHEEEEEE!"

Nya and especially Jay get baby fever whenever it's their turn to watch, and use Cam for potential future practice. Nya tests out if she'd even like to be a mom...while Jay is up to his arms in notes on parenting snksnksn

Zane is a godsend when she starts teething, constantly making icecubes and freezing stuff over for her to gum on (otherwise she starts gnawing on his and Pixal's colder exteriors instead). He also makes the best homemade babyfood. Jesse tries and fails to not be jealous.

(Cole will also gladly eat the baby food for himself "just to make sure" until Zane smacks him with a spoon)

Lloyd doesn't get many opportunities to babysit (too busy being overly important) but he always gets a little choked up whenever he holds Cam and marvels at her mere existence and he can never fully explain to anyone why.

Jamie is the go-to babysitter when random crises pop up (Or when everyone needs a date night/me time ...or Jesse and Cole just generally spent.)

Jesse: *appears on Jamie's doorstep* *drops Cam in his arms* Jamie: Wha-? Jesse: *collapses on floor* We just need like twenty minutes– Jamie: ...You look like you need a thousand years

Jamie also takes hundreds of photos of this child. Jesse keeps all his on his phone while Cole carries three wallets full of the prints.

Antonia will babysit on short notice if Jamie's not an option, but she'll always drag Nelson into helping her out. Antonia is also the one that teaches Cam how to read, and Nelson likes to fill out coloring books with Cam (even if Cam's "coloring" is just smearing pink across the whole page).

Cam cannot be left for longer than three days at Grandpa Lou's house. She'll come back humming and singing show tunes she doesn't know the words of at the top of her lungs.

Being left with Grandma Caroline means that she comes home with baskets full of food with her (Cole likes leaving her with Grandma for this reason, along with not having his kid obsessed with showtunes)

Cam is only left with Miranda when no other options are available to (which...seems to happen way too often). Miranda doesn't mind babysitting and spending time with her niece but a) she's not really a kid person and b) she's a horrible influence lmfao. Still, she becomes Cam's biggest idol and inspiration (and Jesse is officially convinced that the universe spites him specifically)

Firsts! (And Magic)-

There's bets going around for what her first word would be but nothing could compare Cole and Jesse for the sucker punch that was when "Miwa" started pouring from their baby's mouth

(Miranda won a very hefty 1000 bucks that day, and Jesse still insists she cheated somehow)

(Her second word is "ubican" –unicorn– and Cole throws his arms up in defeat)

Cole attempts to make Cam's first bite of solid food come from a piece of cake. Lloyd loses his mind explaining why that's a terrible idea.

When she firsts learns to wiggle/crawl, Jay play-races her across the floor and lets her win.

Zane is the one present when she stands for the first time and the sheer excitement in his yells prompt the whole building to come running.

Jesse straight up cries in joy when Cam start toddling towards him for the first time (he was bringing her a freshly-washed Corn, but the point remains)

When Cam gets more mobile in general, she will copy Cole in every single thing he does. The way he stands, the faces he makes —even from across the room, if Cole is present, she is mimicking him in some capacity. He casually lifts a table one time while vacuuming and Cam is suddenly convinced she must be strong as well. She is not and learns the hard way.

Due to essentially and quite literally being made of magic, some of Cam's powers manifest even before True Potential, but she can't control them whatsoever.

"...is our daughter burping sparkles? I think she just burped sparkles."

Nya and Pixal rig up video baby monitors in every room on the monastery the first time Cam gets the hiccups and starts warping

Things will start randomly flying around her room in the middle of the night along with loud sounds and flashing lights scaring the absolute life out of everyone—but that's how they learn when she's having a nightmare. ("Why can't she just cry like a normal baby?! It's like something out of Paranormal Activity!" "KAI.")

Jesse is simply playing patty-cake with her and white camellias start popping up out of thin air.

Cam learns that she can shock people whenever she laughs and finds it extremely funny when people yelp in surprise, making her laugh even harder (and shock even harder. Cycle repeats). This does not work on Jay and that makes her pouty.

Don't make her angry. That's when the fireworks appear.

"Cole, where's the baby?" "...You're not gonna believe me, Jess." "...I'm sure whatever ridiculously insane thing it is, I can handle it." "...she sneezed and is now currently floating on the ceiling." "WHAT?!"

She, like Jesse, also cries glitter.

[lgcseojin]

✱ SEOJIN'S JOURNAL ( 2006 - current )

This journal is property of Park Seojin. It contains sensitive topics and precious thoughts. If you find this, don't open it or else he'll come find you and take you to Suplex City! Go away.

Septembur September, 2006 The therapy lady said if I pretend I'm talking to God then I can write eeeasier. I dunno. Don't wanna talk to you right now buddy. Cuz somtymes sometimes I kinda wish you didn't make me so I'm upset at you. And I hate cake and I don't wanna blow out anymore stupid candelsles. It just makes me feel real mad. Speshully Especially when Miss Heejung tries to give me hugs. I don't want none of that I just wanna go back to my friends somtimes.

November 30th, 2006 Mr Dongwoo Dad said that the baby is gonna come any day now. I'm gonna be mad if the kid is born on my birthday no way am I gonna share. It's my day!! I want somethin that's mine.

December 25th, 2006 Didn't write in this thing cuz I forgot. Anyway. Christmas is real fun. I got an RC racer thing!!!!! It goes so fast hahahah!!

January 15th, 2007 The baby was really late. They called her Dahye. She looked at me kinda funny but she didn't cry when I hugged her.

September 3rd, 2007 I got moved to a different class and stuff. I wanna throw books cuz now I'm not with my friends. But the teach said we were dissruptin class or whatever. I get to sit next to a girl now and she stuck her tongue out at me so I stuck out my middle finger. Her name is Boram.

March 14th, 2008 Girls are weird. I gave Boram my chocolates cuz she gave me some and then she said she was gonna throw em in the toilet. Whatever. I didn't like her anyways.

May 21st, 2009 Hahahah!!! Jaehyuk hyung came to school today and brought a real lizard. Yep it was real I checked and everything. Haesung said we should dissect it but we were like no way. I wanna make it my pet. It looks so sick! Not sick sick but cool

June 17th, 2009 I bought a guitar!!!

November 27th, 2009 A weird lady said hi to me when I was walking home. She had really long hair and a funny smile. She looked real sick (the real kind) and said my name. Maybe she's one of them no homes people or a ghost or somethin

November 29th, 2009 The weird lady tried to give me a bag of chips and grab my hand. Did she think I was 5 years old or somethin. That shit don't work on 11 year olds. So I ran away real fast. Skinned my knee. It fuckin hurt.

December 1st, 2009 Stuff sucks real bad right now. I'm real sorry God. I don't wanna go back no more. I just wanna stay here now. I'm sorry.

December 1st, 2010 She called again. I can't have one day.

December 1st, 2011 Sorry I keep ignoring you. Lotsa shit is happening lately. That lady hasn't even read this since like 2 years ago. Why do I even bother? How did I do it again? Hi, God? Haha. I'm good, I guess. Bored right now. Eating some kinda bread dad bought in Japan. Way too sweet but whatever. Birthday went okay. They gave me a party and it wasn't anything special I guess.

January 20th, 2013 Got nothing else to do so I'm gonna write in this again. Fuck this city. Fuck everything. I don't wanna move and leave everyone behind. This sucks so fucking much. Seoul seems like it sucks anyway. But at least Jaehyuk is there... Ugh nevermind. It makes feel sick to write while the car's moving all over the place, and Dahye won't stop pinching me. I'm gonna give this kid a headlock.

April 30th, 2013 Some kid almost ran me over with his bike so I grabbed it and he fell on me. Buncha stolen shit fell outta his jacket and everything. Hahaha. He begged me not to tell anyone. I think he's a grade below me even though he said he's like 13 I think. Seems real smart. Name is Cheol... something. I guess he's ok when we started to talk but if he runs me over again I'm gonna pummel him for sure.

August 2nd, 2013 Mom had the baby today. The kid is real cute and she grabbed my finger super tight. I'm gonna be honest. I kinda felt like crying and stuff. She's real cute, Dasom. I wanna protect her.

October 12th, 2013 Jaehyuk wants to start a band or whatever. Know I never mentioned it before but I kinda like to sing and I know how to play guitar. I'll give it a shot. He introduced me to some guy named Taewoo from another school and I asked Cheol if he wanted to join, too. Here goes nothing I guess.

February 23rd, 2015 I asked Minkyung out. I know you don't know who that is yet, God. Sorry about that. I was being an idiot just being in my head instead. She's in the same class as me. She's got short hair like to her neck kinda length. It's really funny. The class was playing soccer and she kicked the ball at my head. She seemed real scared about it and she came over to check on me and grabbed my face. That's what it's like to fall in love right??

July 9th, 2016 Long time no see, huh? Lots of good news happened so far. Well, kinda. First, I'm still going out with Minkyung. :) Second, I entered a singing contest and I got 3rd place, so a guy with a card came up to us and all. He was from a company... entertainment company. Legacy or something. Well, I auditioned and made it. Cool, right? Weird, though... Didn't think this could be a thing for me. Well, I'm gonna mooch these vocal lessons and see what happens I guess. Taewoo won't stop calling me a fucking sell-out though. Bastard. Anyway... the next news is awkward kinda. Mom and dad decided to foster this kid. He's like 12 or 13 or something and he's already getting on my nerves... Feel bad for him though. I know what it's like.

June 14th, 2017 Shit sucks. What a joke. See if those fuckers mess with Hyunseung again. I'd kick their asses all over again until they leave him alone.

December 2nd, 2017 She called me again. I don't get why she just won't leave me the hell alone. I can't do this shit. I don't care if I'm her "real son". Why did she have to find me? You left me there for like almost 7 years and now you wanna keep trying.

March 1st, 2018 I decided to start over. It's for the best, probably. Dim is over. I left the company. Me and Minkyung decided it would be better if we broke up. I couldn't even look at her anymore after I went off the deep end and didn't wanna be around anybody for a while. It was like shit was falling apart and I didn't wanna be like that and hurt her. Then have to leave her. And the guys. I feel like shit. I don't even know if this is the right choice. I'm taking you with me. There's still a lot of space to fill.

March 28th, 2018 It's the fifth day of basics. A week in and I've got some smart idea to start a journal. Apparently it's supposed to be "good" for me as an outlet but like... For all I know, some guy will take it, read it, and make fun of me. Whatever. This is stupid. The food sucks.

March 30th, 2018 Guy named Jung Woobin joined today. Kind of a nerd, but he's in my temporary unit and the bed next to mine. Might as well make friends. He keeps talking about random shit. Maybe I can see if he likes Slam Dunk. Well, I'm not here to make friends anyways, am I? Nothing else interesting happened. Entries are gonna be short till something interesting happens.

April 5th, 2018 Week two. Not hype. Hate waking up fucking early. This sucks ass. Some guy lost his shit and ran off in some random direction. They labeled him as a deserter. Feel kinda bad for him. Just glad he wasn't in my unit.

April 8th, 2018 New recruits came. There was overflow in bunking so they stuck a guy with us. I get a chaebol smell off of him but he seems alright so far. Let's see how he does during the first week.

April 21st, 2018 I'm tired of this Kang dude. Nearly kicked his ass before we got stopped. What a prick. He snores when he sleeps, too. I'm gonna plug his nostrils.

May 1st, 2018 Transfer to marines unit today. Off to Pohang. Wish me luck.

July 30th, 2018 Finally got time to sit down and write. Shit's been intense. The C.O. is no fucking stickler. He makes our squad wake up up to an hour earlier than the others. Set our alarms as the wake up song that blasts outside. Today, I swear we got to bed at midnight and got up at 3:30am. Wanted us to get our rounds done early so we can get a head start into the MMA training so we're in top shape. Tomorrow, our platoon is supposed to meet with the American marines that are stationed here, too.

October 10th, 2018 My English isn't that great but I kinda talked to this guy and we became friends. Tall, wavy hair, super ripped. Said his name is Andreas like the fault line but I dunno what that means, really. I can just call him Andy, he calls me Jin. His Korean is pretty good, actually. Hahaha.

October 11th, 2018 We sat by the river when everything is done and he and his friend taught me how to skin a rabbit. Then, the guy said he was gonna go rock fishing ( I think, I couldn't get his accent but I think he was from Australia or something ) and pulled a catfish with his bare hands. I'm serious! Wish I coulda taken a picture...

October 14th, 2018 It's the last day of the collab camp thing. Andy gave me a book. D'Aulaires' Book of Greek Myths. I guess I should get better at English... But he said he's staying in Seoul after this. And his dad's got a boxing gym or something. Once I'm out, I'll check it out.

December 1st, 2018 They remembered my birthday. Never thought I'd get a Chocopie with a candle sticking out of it. Whatever works. I don't like sweets anyway and it's cold as balls.

February 13th, 2019 I'm on break for seollal! Came back home for a bit to see everyone. I know I saw them in between but still... This is nice. Chan must've gotten real tall over the summer. Dasom ran up to me and hugged me real tight. As for Dahye, she shook my hand. What a weird kid. I missed them so much. Gonna go spend time with them now. I won't forget you at home. Promise.

March 26th, 2019 A new guy joined us today. Real jumpy, that one. Said he got transferred to our unit for some reason he won't say. Rumor is that he tried to kill some guy and he's in a gang back in Daejeon. I don't believe it for a second. What a stupid story.

April 3rd, 2019 Caught Lcpl. Shin creeping around the place after dark not in his bunk. I got up to take a piss and he almost scared it right outta me. This is like the 2nd time this happened. Since our ranks are the same there's not much I can do. Should I tell the C.O.? Shit, why am I asking you? I don't think you would know what to do either.

April 17th, 2019 Fuck it, we finally ratted on the guy. The hell is he doing lurking around the latrines all the time... Must be some kinda weirdo. I guess that's why he was transferred. Shoulda kicked him out instead. Woobin said he saw him with a knife when he got out so I dunno what to think anymore. Lt said it isn't a big deal. That the guy's gotta be touched in the head, whatever that means.

April 22nd, 2019 Something or some dipshit keeps knocking on the barracks again. Can't fucking sleep. Shit sucks.

May 24th, 2019 Things were quiet for a while. There was a weird smell coming from the latrines and it wasn't cause of the crap they serves us. Found a dead bird strung up with shoelaces. Can't eat tonight.

May 28th, 2019 Can't sleep. Knocking again. The alarms went off. Glitch, I guess.

May 31st, 2019 Some shit went down. Two of the guys started wailing on each other outta nowhere. Screaming real loud about something. I didn't really bother trying to figure it out when we got them off each other. They were reprimanded. Only 9 of us, so this shit really stirred things up. Must have been some kinda disagreement. But everyone's fucking tired. Climbing drills are tomorrow.

June 1st, 2019 The ropes were cut. Or frayed. Or old, or something. It's my fault, isn't it? If I didn't pull so hard then Hwang wouldn't have fallen. Everything's okay. He said it wasn't cause of me. They took him out for a short medical leave. Hope he's okay. But I'm still shaking. I'd only tell you this kinda stuff, God.

June 5th, 2019 There's only 6 of us right now in the unit right now until the others get back. Feels real quiet right about now. No one really wanted to talk. Least, not to me. I still got Woobin but he seems like something's real wrong. Shin's got the world under his feet, though, the way he's strutting everywhere. Kept trying to show me his rabbit pelt. Freak.

July 7th, 2019 That fucking knocking again. A slam. Piss off so I can sleep already.

July 19th, 2019 It's raining. Real hard. Had to go fix something and found Shin out there doing... something. Whatever it is, he didn't like that I caught him and fuck I don't know what to do. It can't have been something bad, right? I didn't really see. It was dark.

July 23rd, 2019 I'm gonna kill that piece of shit. What kinda asshole takes a picture of my mom and just. He's dead. Next week. Mark my words, God. I'm confessing ahead of time if something happens. I'm kicking his ass when he comes around.

July 29th, 2019 The fucker still lives. Unfortunately. Opened my eyes and saw him hovering over my bunk. I swear. I saw it. How long was he standing there? How many days? Shouldn't think too much of it...

August 2nd, 2019 I looked over and he was just sitting up in bed like that. Awake. I don't think he ever sleeps, come to think of it. Woobin said the same thing. I started to keep my knife with my under my pillow.

September 6th, 2019 We woke up and Shin was gone from his bed. Nothing from the usual. C.O. came in and told us the military officers came and got him. Said what happened stays with us. They're making Woobin testify but he won't tell me what happened. Guess I'll never really find out. Gotta keep an eye on the news maybe later. Feel like I need to take 8 showers though. Maybe 10. Hopefully there won't be too much to write about now.

September 30th, 2019 Holy shit. Just a little bit longer and I'll be outta here. Sgt. Park speaking. Cool, right? I should have something positive here after all that. Everything seems like it's okay again. I think. I guess I thought about it a little more... All sorta guys come through here and you never know who's gonna end up being totally insane. I left out some details but, God, I'm sure you saw what happened anyways.

October 15th, 2019 One more month! I get to lead new recruits today. I asked Woobin to help and he still almost passed out running with us. Guess some guys really don't get that fit here, haha. Here's hoping we can still be friends when we leave. He's outta here next week... Gonna miss him something awful.

November 10th, 2019 I'm free!!! Gonna stay with the family again for a bit until we get my place figured out. Don't really plan on going to school or anything, but dad helped me find a job at some restaurant. I gotta go to Gangnam for it since it's all ritzy but it pays well. I'm kinda excited. Really feels like I started over again... Also, went to the bar still in my fatigues ( yeah, I know, I was lazy ). Craziest thing, the people you meet again. Some guy in uniform, another in a sparkly jacket. Funny where we end up.

December 2nd, 2019 Saw the guys yesterday. We got super smashed and they said I climbed a tree. Wait. Why am I still writing? Nothing interesting is going on. Let's not make this a habit.

January 8th, 2020 Nevermind. Something kinda crazy happened. Went to Vampire Den for the open mic night again. Just to sing. I got that card again. This shiny one. I guess I must have been outta my mind and had it in me to go for an audition. It was worth a shot. I'm almost at the limit they accept trainees. Fuck what am I doing? Shit.

January 9th, 2020 The call came. I made it. They said I gotta move into the dorms now. At least I got a couple months to myself.

January 20th, 2020 Shit man. So many kids around... This kid ( had a real unique name ) I'm roommates with said that he's graduating high school soon. Crazy... I think I'm in way over my head if this is how things are gonna be, but fuck it, right? At least I can still keep my job. Guess I'll just start making some friends around here. There's plenty of guys my age. Yushin's even here, too. Well, anyway. I don't gotta keep writing in this right now so see you later.

July 24th, 2020 Hey guess who's gonna be in a band again? Well kinda. It's still a bunch of practicing. We'll see what happens but I'm feeling optimistic, I think.

April 21st, 2021 This just in for another episode of Shit Sucks... They pulled the band stuff. I guess there weren't gonna be enough resources for it. Dunno what to do now. Feels like everything's crumbling apart around me. I can just hide away in my room for the rest of the year, right? Just not sure what they're gonna do with me now. Gotta get better at dancing. I'll do it later.

May 23rd, 2021 Shit just keeps happening. I saw her with someone else. I don't want an explanation. I'm tired of this push and pull shit. Going here and there without saying much. She lit my heart on fire and put it out with her fucking shoe. I loved her. At least, I think I did. I guess that doesn't matter now. Nothing should have come from that day and why did I even bother going through with it. Over and over again. Wasted my own heart. Nothing matters anymore, does it? Fuck it all. I should go somewhere. Don't look now, God.

August 17th, 2021 I guess some okay things can happen. But these blind dates the guys keep trying to set me up on are a waste of time. Better to not put in effort like that. Anyway, dad's heart thing has gotten better, too. He wanted me to start picking up his new medicine after practice every day.

September 19th, 2021 It's hard to want to sing again. Or want to do much of anything again. Maybe I'll get better by next year.

September 25th, 2021 Met this girl. Well, already did. Sometimes, she'd be at the pharmacy when I picked things up. There's dimples in her cheeks when she smiles at me. I mentioned I was interested in producing music and she asked me for some pointers. We're meeting next week so I can help her, I guess. Worth a shot. Come to think of it, I think we went to the same high school.

October 18th, 2021 She's cute. Fuck, I'm so screwed. I remember now. I sneezed on her in the hallway once. She said it was two times, but I don't remember the first one. We already talked a lot. It's weird. Something dangerous about her. I'll watch my step...

October 31st, 2021 I feel drunk even though I'm not. She said she liked me and I wanted to run. I think I already like her, too. I just can't be what she needs right now. I shouldn't be writing this stuff down. I'll save it for songs. My own head. See you.

December 5th, 2021 She said there's a beauty in being impulsive. She is coy and bold. She wants to kiss my cheek because something compels her to. She yearns to see me. I can't forget anything she says. She speaks in poetry and laughs in music. I don't flinch when she reaches out to touch me. So.. What now...? I kissed her on the shores of some snowy Sokcho beach. When she says now that there's nothing innocent about the way I kiss her with that smirk of hers. When she said she's looking for someone to break her heart because she's just being realistic. Not to feel burdened because I make her happy. She'll be patient for me. I think I might be going a little crazy. Emotionally, spiritually. She makes me want to sing again.

December 1st, 2022 Aside from one good thing, this year was kind of a bust. Hoping for a better one next year. Fuck, I'm getting old. Did they forget about me?

March 20th, 2023 Finally got a project! With actual songs. Not sure what it's gonna entail but ... here goes nothing, as usual. :)

March 30th, 2023 And when it comes to spring, I learned that it's made of heartbreak and not love.

August 12th, 2023 Fuck, what am I doing with my life? It's so close I can taste it but I can't help but feel like there's so much missing.

October 30th, 2023 What am I doing? Part two. Everything is all jumbled up. There's nowhere to put that anger brewing in my head. I almost messed up my hand because of it and ruined everything for myself. Might start writing some songs again...

December 1st, 2023 The first birthday I really felt like I deserved. I guess I made it this far, huh? And there are people who care about me, love me. It's still really overwhelming to think about, but looking back, this is what I always needed. And I should have been more grateful for what I have around me in the form of other people.

January 1st, 2024 I think it's gonna be a great year. Love is real.

January 14th, 2024 Oh. Fuck.

[youresog0lden]

Dear Y/N, Forever Yours Truly Spencer || S.R

WC: 1.1k 

WARNINGS: mention of a relapse, mention of drugs, use of gods name (I think) talk of death. Pure angst. 

masterlist

25 days of Spencer master list

Yours Truly MASTERLIST

Part 1

AN: please this literally made me cry so much. I love this one. Also listen to ‘I love you’ by Billie Eilish while reading this. 

December 14th 2013

Dear Y/N, 

I can’t believe that you were presumed dead less than twelve hours ago. I miss you and I don’t think I can handle you not being in my life anymore. 

-Forever yours truly Spencer. 

December 25th 2013

Dear Y/N, 

My first Christmas without you for the first time in ten years. I miss you everyday, your present came in today. It was too late to cancel the order so I kept it. It was a necklace that had a picture of us from the first day we met. I guess I won’t ever be able to see you wearing it. I miss you more and more everyday. 

-Forever yours truly Spencer. 

January 19th 2013

Dear Y/N, 

It’s crazy we’re nearing your birthday. All I can think about is what you’d be doing if you we’re here right now. Around August of last year I always pictured proposing to you in front of the Arc de Triomphe. You told me you always wanted to go there so I bought us a ticket to go for your birthday. I wanted to keep it a surprise but here we are. And you’re not here. Y/N I wish you were here. JJ had a kid. I know you would’ve loved him. Jack is getting so much bigger. Emily misses you. Derek can’t look over to where your desk is. I can’t come to the terms that you are no longer here. I keep thinking that if you were here that we’d be trying to make a kid of our own. You did always talk about them, I know that you really wanted one. I’m trying bubs. I’m trying so hard to get through this. I can’t keep doing this. I need you here in my life. Please come back, come back to me. 

-Forever yours truly Spence. 

February 26th 2014

Dear Y/N, 

I miss you.

-Forever yours truly Spencer

March 10th 2014

Dear Y/N.

Your mom came to visit today. She said that she went to your grave and that she put new flowers there. She really misses you. So does the team. I love you forever and always. 

-Forever yours truly Spencer. 

June 14th 2014

Dear Y/N,

I haven’t written back. Mainly because I’ve been getting help. By help I mean I had a relapse. I couldn’t take the pain anymore. I needed help. I still do. The drugs are the only way I’m able to see you. I’m able to hold you still. I thought I saw you the other day. I followed who I thought was you but they got away too fast. I haven’t been able to sleep well because I can’t get your face out of my mind. You’ve been gone for half a year today and I don’t think I can keep getting through this. The drugs let my mind escape from reality. I miss you so much. 

-Forever yours truly Spence. 

August 22nd 2014

Dear Y/N, 

This may be the last time I write to you for a while. My therapist said I need to move on from these letters. It's okay to write them every now and then but every month isn’t healthy. I know that. I know it isn’t. But this is my only way to feel connected to you. I met someone but I don’t think it’s going to go anywhere. 

-Forever yours truly Spencer. 

December 14th 2014

Dear Y/N, 

Today was a hard day for everyone. It’s been a year. A year without your smile lighting up everyone's life when you walk into the room. A year without endless coffee runs. A year without hearing Derek call you butterfly. A year without Hotch cracking a smile at one of your stupid jokes. A year without Emily smiling when you talk about a new song from your favorite band. A year without Garcia's small little laughs only you can get out of her. A year without JJ talking about telling you how excited she is that she’s pregnant and how you were going to be the godmother .A year without you Rossi teaching you about cigars. A year without waking up to you by my side. It’s hard Y/N. We miss you more than you could know. 

-Forever yours truly Spencer

July 27th 2015

Y/N, 

Remember when I told you about that girl. Well it’s going somewhere. She was in my AA meeting and we met and started to hang out. She was the first person to take my mind off you. I think I’m falling in love with her. She knows about you. She understands and is willing to take her time. 

-Spencer. 

October 28th 2015

Y/N,

It’s my birthday. I can’t help but think of you today. JJ, Hotch, Garcia, Morgan, Em they all called me today to tell me happy birthday. I was hoping I’d get one from you telling me happy birthday. But it’s like no matter what I keep forgetting you’re dead. I wish you weren’t god, do I ever wish. I miss you more than I should today. Maybe it’s because we never not spent our birthdays together, maybe it’s because Jolie took me to the same place you did the year before everything happened. I remember it like clock work. Actually we went to my favorite ice cream shop and when I told you I would pay you begged me to pay so I distracted you and paid. Then you told me about this fair thing that was going on so we went and you knew how much I hated roller coasters so you begged me once again to go one them with you so I couldn’t resist and the last one. We got to the top and you told me the three words and the world froze for a moment and I grabbed you and kissed you like our lives depended on it. I broke apart and I told you I loved you too. Everything was amazing until the case came in. I still love you. I will always love you. You were my first love and you will be my last. I wish you were still here. 

-Spencer

December 14th 2015

Y/N, 

Two years everyone's moving on finally. Today is the one day all of us take off to spend with you. We talk about the good times. We miss you. 

-Spencer

January 22 2016

Y/N, 

Happy birthday love you.

-Spencer

September 01 2018

Y/N, 

I’m proposing to Jolie. I love her with my whole heart and I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with her by my side. Thank you for teaching me how to love Y/N,

-Spencer 

November 17th 2018

Y/N, 

You’re alive.

-Spencer

TAGLIST: (message me or send an ask to be added!) @mcntsee​

[cyber-viper]

hi! i saw your matchups were open /I'm a sucker for em/ and I was wondering if I could get a romantic twisted wonderland matchup :>

my birthday is January 27th ｡>﹏<｡★ !!

hobbies/interests. anime/manga,thrifting,writing/reading,true crime,music,fashion/makeup, I've been meaning to pick up photography again, piano,video games,singing and dancing!

habits. putting things on my head (like random bows or hair clips I find), tapping my fingers when I'm getting too much anxiety, pacing back and fourth/talking to fast, saying uncanny/creepy things- doing things aggressively when I am hyper (like imagine those tiktoks were they r like "YOU LOOK GOOD" yeah that's me), hiding behind people in public.

in general I am a pretty cheerful and friendly person. I am a huge introvert in-public, I get anxiety ( I start stuttering,sweating and breathing fast) it's worse when I have to speak to people, So I usually tap my fingers to calm down. I'm pretty socially awkward, I can't really start a conversation with just anyone and I just sit there and stare or figure out something kshbdie. Though when you really get to know me, I am really talkative and goofy. I love cracking jokes and having a good laugh, overall a good time. I can be a very big clutz, I either hit my head on stuff or trip over something (mostly the air). around my friends, I am the therapist/mom/fun friend! usually people come and ask me for advice or vent. I like cracking flirty jokes with my friends, and I sound like a pervert sometimes >_< . I also am kind of boy-crazy? like I see a cute boy and I start freaking out- I'm just gushing about them, same thing with females- I am just a big simp though,I GET VERY EMBARASSED easily and flustered. I would say my bad traits are that I am blunt. I can be really truthful and hurtful in what I say (depending on who I talk to). I get angry too easily sometimes, I don't lash out or anything, I just shut down and kick around things (if it's at someone- I glare at them), this also makes me kind of mean, like i start insulting . not vocal whatsoever in how i feel, my emotions r like not going in the open. I say uncanny things sometime, like randomly- I don't know why? I just say weird things to get a reaction out of someone ( I randomly asked my sister what it's like to get knocked out by a stalker. yeah.) eerr i can't take a joke, depending on how it sounds. If it's like, "your dumb y'know?" with a certain tone, then I start getting mad and talking back. I'm pretty dense at somethings- it's hard for me to catch on irl.

redflags. they are controlling/tell me what to wear/what to do, is too jealous (like they get easily jelly), talks about there friends in a badway (shows me ur twofaced.) , expects constant communication, not willing to view from another persons perspective

greenflags. honesty, understanding, they ask my opinion on things, respects boundaries (abigone), supporting, they have a general good status among others, not afraid to be themselves.

my own redflags. I ghost people for a few days and come back like nothing happen (sometimes), expect others to do what I think is best on certain things, insensitive to others when I am blunt.

my green flags. I am a good listener/understanding, patient, respect boundaries, communication, not easily jealous, try to put myself in others shoes.

my favorite school subject is english and I am an Introvert.

hope this was enough!! take ur time <33

@marii-e I match you with Vil Schoenheit!

I think Vil would love to feed your interest in fashion and makeup by allowing you to part take in trying products and brands he likes or has to try out. Eventually once his trusts build up he may even be happy to let you do his makeup every now and then.

He’d also let you practice your photography by taking photos of or with him.

Once he learns how much you like putting little clips and accessories in your hair he would definitely be on the look out for any pieces he feels are beautiful and elegant enough to gift to you to wear

I feel like he would be very good at reading your body language and learning your nervous ticks. He may need some time to learn what to do in those situations but he will be quick to learn for your sake

He’s very amused when you get very hyper and start shouting compliments at him. Though sometimes it can get out of hand if Rook is around as well and you both feed off the others chaotic energy in complimenting and such

When times come where you both are in conversation with others, especially strangers, he mostly takes the lead in the conversation for his own interest and to help ease your panic over the situation

He is very enchanted in your change of character once you feel comfortable. you go from quiet and nervous to a bit chaotic and even flirtatious. The first time this side of you truly came out he was a bit taken aback however he didn’t dislike it at all and happened to really enjoy your banter like this

He certainly wasn’t pleased to know how flustered and such you get when other pretty people are involved. However once an occasion happened where he noticed he affected you the most all his distaste for this trait nearly left him. Not only was it proof that he was still number one to you, it also was an example of how truly beautiful he was and that was something that convinced him that it wasn’t a thing to be jealous over

a struggle, especially early on in the relationship I feel, is communication and specifically making sure joking or teasing statements are perceived as such and not taken seriously or hurt your feelings.   It’s something that will have to be worked on but it will end up fine

Vil has a certain image he upholds for himself and while he may have a nice time dressing you up or doing your makeup or skincare, he still appreciates you for who you are. Once he figures out his mind and figures out that the message of you having the confidence and self worth to be authentic to yourself isn’t something he’d ever want to change about you.

I think Vil is someone who especially would need a relationship where both parties can live their lives independently as well and doesn’t rely on constant spamming of contact. So having a partner who holds those same values or is understanding of that is key.

A/N: I hope you like this matchup! please let me know if you are dissatisfied or need clarification for anything I said :)

[onthecrosslook]

March 31st was my best friend’s birthday.

I’ve known him since 8th grade. his name was Kale. I met him on my first day in gym. Every single day I was either at his house or he was at mine. we went through high school together and I went to college while he stayed home and got married. About a year later, I came back for winter break. By now he had a one-year-old son. Some of the kids from our high school class were throwing a party, so I asked him if he was going and he told me he’d pick me up and we’d go together. We ended up having this stupid argument about how he drove up to a big city (that was an hour away) in 25 minutes. I called BS on him. He took me home and I decided not to talk to him because, well, he was being an idiot. This was on December 22nd.

So, Christmas rolls around, we still aren’t talking. December 27th, he calls me, he’s asked me if he wanted to go skiing. I was still pretty pissed about this stupid argument. I remember saying “screw you” before I hung up. So he goes skiing and he’s posting all over his Snapchat story, having a great time. And he’s on his way home, and he ended up getting caught in a blizzard. He slid and his car flipped.

He passed away.

I got a call from his brother the next morning, and I realized, my last words to my BEST FRIEND were “screw you”. I remember going to his funeral (open casket) and seeing him. I just, like, remembered how stupid that argument was. And if we hadn’t had it, I would still have my best friend.

I’m 29 now, I work as a teacher and I’m married. It’s been roughly 10 years. The point of my story to you is that we’re not all promised another day alive. So if you’re thinking about that one person right now, text em. Even if you fought last night or last month. Even if you didn’t fight at all. Because, let me tell you, no fight is worth losing the person you love the most.

My spirituality has moved me to tell you this story, as I feel you’ve lost someone you love dearly. You don’t need to post this, I just want you to read it. Listen to this message if you’d like, or don’t, the Gods will move you as they please to.

That is…a lot to unpack. Firstly, I am so sorry for your loss and I know how you feel, especially with the regrets part of things and such. It can be a lot and it can weigh heavily on the conscience of someone.

It’s amazing that you’ve built your life up again- that’s such an incredible feat, I’m in awe. I’m glad to hear that you’re a teacher and I’m sure your partner, whoever it is- is wonderful as well.

Definitely will take this message to heart, it was so kind of you to share it with me.

-AE

[flvcr]

— ( harry styles, twenty-five, cismale, he/him ) did you see ETIENNE FLUOR walking down main street earlier? you know who i’m talking about, they’re a POTTER / HOCKEY PLAYER. everybody in town says that they’re IDEALISTIC & INTUITIVE, but have a tendency to be UNPREDICTABLE & DESTRUCTIVE too. ETIENNE has been in town for THREE years. c'mon, they’re always requesting RUNNIN’ WITH THE DEVIL BY VAN HALEN at karaoke nights. well, i’m sure you’ll see them soon! @westmerestarters​

hiya! i am kt &+ underneath the read more is a LOT of info about my bb, etienne. ** insert clown emoji but make ‘em yee-haw ** if you’d like to plot you can reach me on here or at space cowboy#8536 on discord !! <33 v excited to interact with y’all and your bbs !!

𝖘𝖙𝖆𝖙𝖎𝖘𝖙𝖎𝖈𝖘

name: etienne ‘ marcel ‘ fluor. 

nicknames: goes by marcel, only allowing very few people to call him etienne.

gender / pronouns : cismale / he, him.

age: twenty-five.

birthday: june 27th.

zodiac: cancer !!

orientation: pansexual / panromantic.

occupation: hockey player ( currently injured ) // potter ( for fun ) !!

languages spoken: french, english & italian.

𝖎𝖓𝖘𝖕𝖎𝖗𝖆𝖙𝖎𝖔𝖓

- PINTEREST - featuring his wardrobe, his home, his aesthetic, some character inspo and olive, his german shepard pup !!

- SPOTIFY PLAYLIST - what he is currently listening to !!

personality type: INFJ-T / THE ADVOCATE

moral alignment: chaotic good

style-wise: etienne is v stylish, but isn’t overly flashy by any means. he’s intuitive in the sense of what works and what doesn’t. willing to explore the latest wardrobe craze, but also just likes what he likes and likely won’t venture out unless pressed by another to do so. post coming soon for his wardrobe !!! they say that the cancer man’s clothing is selected to reflect “ sophistication over flash “ but kdgjn i’ll let ya’ll be the judge of that. he’s v much harry inspired clothing wardrobe, but also tones it down with some casual looks, especially when it comes to getting his hands dirty in creative aspects !! but can be a bit on the flashier side as well, especially w/ hockey press and what not !!

𝖇𝖆𝖈𝖐𝖌𝖗𝖔𝖚𝖓𝖉

   etienne ‘ marcel ’ fluor was born in montpellier, france to two lovely parents, theodore and estelle fluor ( both born in england themselves ) . he is the youngest of his siblings, having one older brother and an older sister, all of them being roughly two years apart. at the age of eight, his family relocated to montreal, canada as a result of a promotion his mother received, which at such a young age, etienne had no qualms with, despite his siblings’ uneasiness.  upon moving to a new country at a young age, etienne truly found himself via escaping into various books and movies. often attempting to write his own and would force encourage his siblings to act his skits/plays out for his parents enjoyment. he continues to be very close with his parents and siblings - recently he taught his parents how to use facetime, so catch him face timing his family on sunday nights. 

   growing up, etienne also enjoyed playing all types of sports ( his parents signing him up hoping that he’d make friends as a result, which he did ). when it came down to it, athletic abilities-wise, there truly wasn’t anything that he wasn’t ‘ good ’ at, and that’s simply because he’s always been such a competitive individual / as well as a perfectionist. that competitive/perfectionist energy caused him to go home and practice a skill or trick for hours in order to be able to come back the next day and whoop everyone’s asses. overall, he’s very athletic, found alternating between various sports offered not only at school, but as well as through local clubs. ultimately, his love and appreciation for hockey swayed him and soon enough it became his sole focus. due to his perfectionist tendencies, etienne is very dedicated to his craft, he will spend hours practicing specific tricks and skills in order to be the best at what he does, which transcends past hockey and into, really, every aspect of his life. 

   throughout highschool ; etienne was a v dedicated student. although he’s a bit reckless and loved to goof off, he was always acing classes and applying himself. he genuinely cares for others, you could’ve seen his ass volunteering at a soup kitchen with his mom on sundays and what not, as well as take part in various clubs and sports ! just SOFT and sporty things. during this time, he joined the ontario hockey league and from there was eventually scouted out and recruited to the pittsburgh penguins as a defenseman at the age of eighteen - forgoing his parents desire for him to attend a university. although he enjoyed his time with pittsburgh, he was excited when the idea of being traded came up - eager to explore a new city and immerse himself in a new area. 

      trigger warning - injury, dislocation ( just in case !!!! ) however, he really didn’t enjoy new york ( hehe ), so he relocated to westmere soon after his initial arrival to nyc - finding a lot of comfort in living in a less populated area. he would commute during the hockey season to nyc, which to him wasn’t very far away, so this is where he’s been residing for the last three years !! however, in the last couple of weeks while training for the upcoming season my lil bb injured himself - not to get into tooooo much detail, i’ll just leave it at shoulder dislocation / joint separation due to a hard hit !! basically he’s out for this upcoming season, already having surgery completed, he’s currently healing for the next couple of months, allowing himself to fully experience that westmere fall !!!

   overall, etienne can come off as a bit reserved, and distant whether that be a result of his untrusting nature of others, or simply unfamiliarity. it takes a bit of time before he feels comfortable to share his true opinion / commentary / only doing so when he feels secure to do so. he’s not necessarily unfriendly, just a bit distant / lost in his thoughts. which varies, as with most ppl ofc, upon person to person and his level of comfortability among them. despite his often lack of conversation, he abhors an uncomfortable silence to settle and will fill it with nonsense to simply avoid the feeling altogether. so, if you ever want to catch him rambling, just making him uncomfortable dkjfngdf. he definitely approaches most things with a bit of ‘ tough love ‘ . he doesn’t mind getting into a quarrel or two if he knows its worth the outcome he’s envisioned. etienne will tell others when they are fucking up, and if they are throwing a punch as a result - catch him leaning into it, which explains his bout of reckless antics. he can come off as a know it all, when it comes to advice giving, but more so because he thinks he’s really good at analyzing others and situations they are in, not necessarily because he’s lived through them himself, he’s just rather intuitive and able to empathize quite easily with others despite his verbal admittance of it. when it comes down to this binches reckless bits, he just feels so intensely that he ends up numbing himself in the aftermath of it all ( especially bc he’s definitely not sharing those feelings with the people around him ), therefore he’s willing to put himself into harms way in order to get a bit of that - happiness / pain, it doesn’t matter to him as long as he no longer feels overwhelmed by numbness. so, if ya see him with some scrapes and stitches ~ mind ya business. but he’ll likely try to drag somebody else into it, and make it seem like it was their idea. but if he is truly comfortable with somebody, he walks a fine line of won’t stop talking, especially if it’s an interest of his, and comfortable silence.

_________________________

𝖕𝖊𝖗𝖘𝖔𝖓𝖆𝖑𝖎𝖙𝖞 & 𝖍𝖆𝖇𝖎𝖙𝖘

he is a CANCER, therefore in this essay i will..... kidding but here’s some fun cancer info i saw that applies to my bb !! at first he appears to be wistful, sarcastic ( maybe a lil crabby ) , shy, distant and mysterious. this personality remains if he isn’t completely comfortable around somebody. but overall, that’s just his facade, his ‘smokescreen’ of sorts to scare off the world from his outwards persona. underneath that layer ( makes me think of shrek metaphor with onions // don’t mind me ), BUT he’s gentle, kind and affectionate ( if you manage to make it to that level * bell dings * ) !!! overall, etienne is a sensitive soul, a bit emotional although he’d rather d*e than show that to others. likely will internalize anything that can hurt his feelings / a low blow and will do something chaotic as a result later on bc of it. very polite, and a little worldly, he is truly the epitome of old-school gentlemanly manners. chivalry coming as a second nature to him !!

that was getting ramble-y, so continuing HERE. but when it comes to romance, as per the cancer man, the concept of love is a mystery, one that etienne is trying to attain. however, his shyness and innate distrust of others make it difficult for him to allow himself to fall in love. his guard is always up when it comes to his emotions, and it’ll take a bit of prodding before he’s willing to speak up on what’s desired from him. he’s v picky when it comes to finding the “ partner of his dreams “ - but he’s def willing to throw himself into the romance of the situation, i.e. buying flowers, riding white horses, and slaying metaphorical dragons. the traditional side means that he will shower his partner with thoughtful gifts, wine and dine them in the best restaurants, and try to grant their every wish. he will take the garbage out, fix that wobbly shelf, navigate on road trips, and kill more so trap and release bugs for his partner, and most important of all he will do it all without being asked. his loyalty and keen attention to the needs and wants of his potential partner. so basically, more so willing to showcase through actions than speak on it. it’s the little things, right ??!?!?! he def cherishes not just the act of being in a relationship, but what it means to become one with another person in mind, body, and soul.

prides himself on being able to make a mean cup of coffee, likely the worst person to watch a movie with bc he knows exactly how it’s going to end after only watching five minutes of it, he has a godawful sense of direction, will walk in circles for fifteen minutes before even raising a question about it/noticing ( but he refuses to acknowledge it. )

his house, car, workspace, junk drawer, closet….you name it - it’s organized, practically sparkling. often times arranged by color, and / or style. nothing is ever out of place, and if it is - there’s trouble brewing. but, more than anything, if he’s visiting somebody’s place and it’s messy, he will spend a solid thirty minutes picking everything up before doing whatever it is that was intended.

likes : reading, flowers, handwritten notes/letters, deep cleaning, baking, working on his pottery, watching the history channel and true crime docs and playing / watching hockey !!

dislikes : artichoke, clutter, sandals ( fkjgh ), unrealistic plotlines in movies &+ burnt coffee.

habits :  likely has a severe caffeine addiction, although he’s now normalized having six cups of coffee throughout his day. he’s an early riser, no matter how little the amount of sleep he’s received, he’s always the first to rise - for his early morning runs !!

strengths: creative, insightful, inspiring, convincing, determined and passionate, decisive, altruistic, intuitive !!

weaknesses: sensitive, extremely private, perfectionist, low-key always needs to have a cause / purpose, can burn out easily !!

overall : etienne truly strives to be kind, and genuinely wants for everyone to get along. treat people with kindness and the like. he has the best of intentions, but often times that can get a bit muddled with the way he goes about things due to his bit of chaotic energy / as well as his often points of getting lost in his thoughts. he won’t realize he’s been quiet for the last three hours unless it’s mentioned to him. he will do anything to lighten a dark mood, and will sacrifice / throw himself under the bus if its needed. however, he also is the type to cause the dark mood depending on the day. wahoo! his more reckless antics increase when he’s feeling a bit emotional !! but he’ll likely try and convince somebody to propose the idea so it’s not on him.

𝖗𝖆𝖓𝖉𝖔𝖒 𝖍𝖊𝖆𝖉 𝖈𝖆𝖓𝖔𝖓𝖘

he lives with sebastian !! with his commuting to nyc for the hockey season, he wanted somebody to be able to take care of his house / garden and what not, and thus, seb arrived.

he’s v into making ceramics, cups / bowls / vases / etc !! what began as a fun hobby to distract himself in the offseason became something that he truly enjoys. ( laughing about that scene in ghost BUT DKJFNG OKAY ) although he’s pretty low-key about it, you can catch him at the farmers market selling his creations !! some pictures of his work can be found on his pinterest board !!

he is a vegetarian ! he has been since his freshman year of high school and has no plans on eating seafood/meat ever again.

he loves fancy wine ~ he’s cultured. 

he can play the drums !!

he collects vintage matchbooks and the stickers off of various fruits ( he puts them in a little notebook - can be found on his bookshelf ).

saves handwritten notes and letters from pals.

he loves to garden !!!! he has a specified rose shearing hat.

HE WANTS TO JOIN A BOOKCLUB PLEASE !!!!!!!! or at least have some casual moments of silence with another reading. plz and tysm.

to make things a bit simple, he has all of harry’s tattoos !!  might add more along the way !! stay tuned, folks !!

𝖜𝖆𝖓𝖙𝖊𝖉 𝖈𝖔𝖓𝖓𝖊𝖈𝖙𝖎𝖔𝖓𝖘

i am so up for anything!! please accept this ramble of ideas thrown below.  if you have any other ideas, lmk !!!! <3333 :’-) down to start from scratch and PLOT PLOT PLOT !

( 2 / 2 ) - BFFZ : the z for an added emphasis dkfjgnd. somebody who likely has a key to etienne’s house, they can enjoy one anothers company as well as the bouts of comfortable silence. you know how best friends are but kdjfngd still !! whether they are likeminded or polar opposites that just flow ~~ down for anything !! even a trio of sorts ?!

( 1 / 1 ) - RIDE OR DIE / CHAOTIC COMPANION : it would be wrong to say one is the more likely the bad influence over the other, although etienne may just be. these two find themselves bounding into, well hell, ( i guess??? ) together. playing on one anothers impulsiveness and if one ends up in the back of a police car, the other is handcuffed to them. and yet despite the length of their potential injuries, they find themselves thinking of something crazier to subject them to the next time around.

( 1 / 1 ) - GUARDIAN ANGEL / GOOD INFLUENCE : with etienne being a bit chaotic in nature, he needs somebody that is likely going to steer him clear from all the ideas that’ll bring him to the brink of disaster. he’s impulsive and in that desperate attempt to feel again, he’s very likely to bring a bit of mayhem upon himself. so while they may be worrying and attempting to talk his ideas down, he’s trying to get them to go along with his plan. it may be rare that he actually takes their advice, but when he does it seems to be for the best.

( 1 / 1 ) - PARTY FRIEND : these two know how to have a good time together. despite the amount of alcohol they are throwing back and the shenanigans they find themselves in as a result, this is a time where they also find themselves confiding in one another. if you look at their camera rolls, it’s likely they have tons of embarrassing and unflattering videos and pics of one another, in between their sob-worthy confessionals and venting/rants. these two trust one another, and although they love getting wreckT together, they find themselves discussing very raw and personal details. likely the only person etienne confides in, simply bc he’s completely plastered.

( 1 / 1 ) - SIBLING-LIKE RELATIONSHIP : these two have a love/hate relationship, very sibling like filled with pranks, competition, teasing and playful banter. however, when it comes down to it they have so much love and respect for one another. they know that no matter what happens they will always have one anothers back and be supportive of the other. truly a pure content filled relationship.

okay quick mention, ENEMY PLOTS ?!?!?!?!?!? i would live for one. i can’t imagine etienne being hardcore nasty, but i’d like to see whatever version comes out for this. so let’s get it djfngjakdfg maybe they just hold different viewpoints on the world and what not and clash, anything really !!! v open !!

( 1 / 1 ) - MENTOR - etienne needs a bit of structured or unstructured guidance, all depending on what their deemed mentor is wanting to impart on him, a bit of wisdom or slight chaos. kdjfgn he’ll take anything !! 

RANDOM LITTLE IDEAS : maybe they’ve heard of one another in town, but haven’t quite met yet! or maybe they see each other around all the time, but have yet to introduce themselves to one another but low-key maybe in some online forum for the town together ?! who knows some fun things kdjnfg i AM OPEN !

ooh maybe a slowburn of sorts ?! something spicy to wreck HIS and my life with.  dkfjgn we can base this off of chemistry !!! :’-)

[cvrnelivs]

— ( harry styles, cismale, he/him ) &. * — meet ( cornelius ‘ oliver ’ edwards ) ! ( he ) is ( twenty five ) years old and has lived in st. helens for ( two ) years . when they’re not helping the town prepare for halloween , they work as a ( baker ) . around here, they’re known to be ( idealistic ) & ( intuitive ) yet ( unpredictable ) & ( destructive ) and apparently their favorite fall activity is ( visiting the farmer’s market ) . safe to say it really wouldn’t be halloweentown without them !

hiya! i am kt &+ underneath the read more is a LOT of info about my bb, cornelius/oliver. ** insert clown emoji but make ‘em yee-haw ** if you’d like to plot you can reach me on here or at space cowboy#8536 on discord !! <33 v excited to interact with y’all and your bbs !!

( DISCLAIMER : THIS IS LONG - WOW !!! just felt a lot of muse !!! apologies !!  ) 

𝖘𝖙𝖆𝖙𝖎𝖘𝖙𝖎𝖈𝖘

name: cornelius oliver edwards.

nicknames: ollie, ol, lee !! literally whatever - “hey, you” dkjfgn

gender: cismale. pronouns: he, him.

age: twenty-five.

birthday: june 27th.

zodiac: cancer !!

orientation: pansexual / panromantic.

occupation: baker // aspiring filmmaker.

languages spoken: english & french.

𝖎𝖓𝖘𝖕𝖎𝖗𝖆𝖙𝖎𝖔𝖓

- PINTEREST - featuring his wardrobe, his home, his aesthetic, some character inspo and olive, his german shepard pup !!

- SPOTIFY PLAYLIST - what oliver is currently listening to !!

personality type: INFJ-T / THE ADVOCATE

moral alignment: chaotic good

style-wise: oliver is v stylish, but isn’t overly flashy by any means. he’s intuitive in the sense of what works and what doesn’t. willing to explore the latest wardrobe craze, but also just likes what he likes and likely won’t venture out unless pressed by another to do so. post coming soon for his wardrobe !!! they say that the cancer man’s clothing is selected to reflect “ sophistication over flash “ but kdgjn i’ll let ya’ll be the judge of that. he’s v much harry inspired clothing wardrobe, but also tones it down with some casual looks, especially with being in the bakery and getting his hands dirty in creative aspects !!

𝖇𝖆𝖈𝖐𝖌𝖗𝖔𝖚𝖓𝖉

   oliver was born in kent, england. he’s the youngest in his family of three, having an older brother and sister w/ two loving parents. when he was nine, his family packed up and moved to southern california, where they resided until oliver left for college on the east coast - his family trading off between living back in england and on the west coast throughout the year. upon moving to a new country at a young age, oliver truly found himself via escaping into various books and movies. often attempting to write his own and would force encourage his siblings to act his skits/plays out for his parents enjoyment. growing up, oliver also enjoyed playing all types of sports ( his parents kind of threw him in hoping he’d make friends ), but when it came down to it, athletic abilities-wise, there truly wasn’t anything that he wasn’t ‘ good ‘ at, and that’s simply because he’s always been such a competitive individual / as well as a perfectionist. that competitive/perfectionist energy caused him to go home and practice a skill or trick for hours in order to be able to come back the next day and whoop everyone’s asses. throughout highschool ; oliver was a v dedicated student. although he’s a bit reckless and loved to goof off, he was always acing classes and applying himself. he genuinely cares for others, you could’ve seen his ass volunteering at a soup kitchen with his mom on sundays and what not, as well as take part in various clubs and sports ! just SOFT and sportythings.

   post-high school, oliver attended NYU double majoring in film & television and dramatic writing. despite his extensive and well received portfolio, oliver has always been a perfectionist and overcritical of his work, unwilling to share his projects with anyone until he deems them to be ~ perfect ~ himself. after graduating, he spent a year traveling, trying to find a bit of inspiration around him and taking up odd jobs to get some $$ of his own, dog walking, attempting his best at being a handy man, etc !! he moved back home to socal, and eventually made his way up to st.helen’s after he was sent a job posting for the bakery in town !! although he knows he doesn’t want to pursue a career in baking forever, he’s enjoying his time while trying to find a bit more muse for his future film&writing career.

   overall, oliver can come off as a bit reserved, and distant whether that be a result of his untrusting nature of others, or simply unfamiliarity. it takes a bit of time before he feels comfortable to share his true opinion / commentary / only doing so when he feels secure to do so. he’s not necessarily unfriendly, just a bit distant / lost in his thoughts. which varies, as with most ppl ofc, upon person to person and his level of comfortability among them. despite his often lack of conversation, he abhors an uncomfortable silence to settle and will fill it with nonsense to simply avoid the feeling altogether. so, if you ever want to catch him rambling, just making him uncomfortable dkjfngdf. he definitely approaches most things with a bit of ‘ tough love ‘ . he doesn’t mind getting into a quarrel or two if he knows its worth the outcome he’s envisioned. oliver will tell others when they are fucking up, and if they are throwing a punch as a result - catch him leaning into it, which explains his bout of reckless antics. he can come off as a know it all, when it comes to advice giving, but more so because he thinks he’s really good at analyzing others and situations they are in, not necessarily because he’s lived through them himself, he’s just rather intuitive and able to empathize quite easily with others despite his verbal admittance of it. when it comes down to this binches reckless bits, he just feels so intensely that he ends up numbing himself in the aftermath of it all ( especially bc he’s definitely not sharing those feelings with the people around him ), therefore he’s willing to put himself into harms way in order to get a bit of that - happiness / pain, it doesn’t matter to him as long as he no longer feels overwhelmed by numbness. so, if ya see him with some scrapes and stitches ~ mind ya business. but he’ll likely try to drag somebody else into it, and make it seem like it was their idea. but if he is truly comfortable with somebody, he walks a fine line of won’t stop talking, especially if it’s an interest of his, and comfortable silence.

𝖕𝖊𝖗𝖘𝖔𝖓𝖆𝖑𝖎𝖙𝖞 & 𝖍𝖆𝖇𝖎𝖙𝖘

he is a CANCER, therefore in this essay i will..... kidding but here’s some fun cancer info i saw that applies to my bb !! at first he appears to be wistful, sarcastic ( maybe a lil crabby ) , shy, distant and mysterious. this personality remains if he isn’t completely comfortable around somebody. but overall, that’s just his facade, his ‘smokescreen’ of sorts to scare off the world from his outwards persona. underneath that layer ( makes me think of shrek metaphor with onions // don’t mind me ), BUT he’s gentle, kind and affectionate ( if you manage to make it to that level * bell dings * ) !!! overall, oliver is a sensitive soul, a bit emotional although he’d rather d*e than show that to others. likely will internalize anything that can hurt his feelings / a low blow and will do something chaotic as a result later on bc of it. very polite, and a little worldly, he is truly the epitome of old-school gentlemanly manners. chivalry coming as a second nature to him !!

that was getting ramble-y, so continuing HERE. but when it comes to romance, as per the cancer man, the concept of love is a mystery, one that oliver is trying to attain. however, his shyness and innate distrust of others make it difficult for him to allow himself to fall in love. his guard is always up when it comes to his emotions, and it’ll take a bit of prodding before he’s willing to speak up on what’s desired from him. he’s v picky when it comes to finding the “ partner of his dreams “ - but he’s def willing to throw himself into the romance of the situation, i.e. buying flowers, riding white horses, and slaying metaphorical dragons. the traditional side means that he will shower his partner with thoughtful gifts, wine and dine them in the best restaurants, and try to grant their every wish. he will take the garbage out, fix that wobbly shelf, navigate on road trips, and kill more so trap and release bugs for his partner, and most important of all he will do it all without being asked. his loyalty and keen attention to the needs and wants of his potential partner. so basically, more so willing to showcase through actions than speak on it. it’s the little things, right ??!?!?! he def cherishes not just the act of being in a relationship, but what it means to become one with another person in mind, body, and soul.

prides himself on being able to make a mean cup of coffee, likely the worst person to watch a movie with bc he knows exactly how it’s going to end after only watching five minutes of it, he has a godawful sense of direction, will walk in circles for fifteen minutes before even raising a question about it/noticing ( but he refuses to acknowledge it. )

his house, car, workspace, junk drawer, closet….you name it - it’s organized, practically sparkling. often times arranged by color, and / or style. nothing is ever out of place, and if it is - there’s trouble brewing. but, more than anything, if he’s visiting somebody’s place and it’s messy, he will spend a solid thirty minutes picking everything up before doing whatever it is that was intended.

likes : reading, flowers, handwritten notes/letters, deep cleaning, baking, curating soundtracks for his film projects, watching the history channel and true crime docs and playing / watching hockey !!

dislikes : artichoke, clutter, sandals ( fkjgh ), unrealistic plotlines in movies &+ burnt coffee.

habits : smoking cigarettes - although he’s been meaning to quit. likely has a severe caffeine addiction, although he’s now normalized having six cups of coffee throughout his day. he’s an early riser, no matter how little the amount of sleep he’s received, he’s always the first to rise - for his early morning runs !!

strengths: creative, insightful, inspiring, convincing, determined and passionate, decisive, altruistic, intuitive !!

weaknesses: sensitive, extremely private, perfectionist, low-key always needs to have a cause / purpose, can burn out easily !! 

overall : oliver truly strives to be kind, and genuinely wants for everyone to get along. treat people with kindness and the like. he has the best of intentions, but often times that can get a bit muddled with the way he goes about things due to his bit of chaotic energy / as well as his often points of getting lost in his thoughts. he won’t realize he’s been quiet for the last three hours unless it’s mentioned to him. he will do anything to lighten a dark mood, and will sacrifice / throw himself under the bus if its needed. however, he also is the type to cause the dark mood depending on the day. wahoo! his more reckless antics increase when he’s feeling a bit emotional !! but he’ll likely try and convince somebody to propose the idea so it’s not on him. 

𝖗𝖆𝖓𝖉𝖔𝖒 𝖍𝖊𝖆𝖉 𝖈𝖆𝖓𝖔𝖓𝖘

in an attempt to throw himself into the town’s traditions and what not, after moving to st. helen’s oliver decided it was upon himself to put on a very spooo0ooky haunted house! so, catch him converting his home into a haunted house for the month of october !!! nothing cheesy either !! it’s more a psychological scare dkjgn with some gore elements !! EnTeR iF yOu DaRe !!!

he bounced around playing sports growing up, but favored ice hockey and field lacrosse out of them all.

HE WANTS TO JOIN A BOOKCLUB PLEASE !!!!!!!! or at least have some casual moments of silence with another reading. plz and tysm.

he is a vegetarian ! he has been since his freshman year of high school and has no plans on eating seafood/meat ever again.

he loves fancy wine ~ he’s cultured. visits seb’s winery v often !!!

he can play the drums !!

he collects vintage matchbooks and the stickers off of various fruits ( he puts them in a little notebook - can be found on his bookshelf ).

saves handwritten notes and letters from pals.

he loves to garden !!!! he has a specified rose shearing hat.

to make things a bit simple, he has all of harry’s tattoos !!  might add more along the way !! stay tuned, folks !!

𝖜𝖆𝖓𝖙𝖊𝖉 𝖈𝖔𝖓𝖓𝖊𝖈𝖙𝖎𝖔𝖓𝖘

honestly, i am so up for anything !!! please accept this ramble of ideas thrown below.  if you have any other ideas, lmk !!!! <3333 :’-)

( 2 / 2 ) - BFFZ : the z for an added emphasis dkfjgnd. somebody who likely has a key to oliver’s house, they can enjoy one anothers company as well as the bouts of comfortable silence. you know how best friends are but kdjfngd still !! whether they are likeminded or polar opposites that just flow ~~ down for anything !! even a trio of sorts ?!

( 0 / ?? ) - MUSE(S) : somebody that he often strikes inspo from for his short films and what not !! or has starred/he plans to have them star in his future compilations of sorts !! can be simply from their own ideals, their look / ~vibe~ dkfjgn // whatever !!

( 1 / 1 ) - RIDE OR DIE / CHAOTIC COMPANION : it would be wrong to say one is the more likely the bad influence over the other, although oliver may just be. these two find themselves bounding into, well hell, ( i guess??? ) together. playing on one anothers impulsiveness and if one ends up in the back of a police car, the other is handcuffed to them. and yet despite the length of their potential injuries, they find themselves thinking of something crazier to subject them to the next time around.

( 1 / 1 ) - GUARDIAN ANGEL / GOOD INFLUENCE : with ollie being a bit chaotic in nature, he needs somebody that is likely going to steer him clear from all the ideas that’ll bring him to the brink of disaster. he’s impulsive and in that desperate attempt to feel again, he’s very likely to bring a bit of mayhem upon himself. so while they may be worrying and attempting to talk his ideas down, he’s trying to get them to go along with his plan. it may be rare that he actually takes their advice, but when he does it seems to be for the best.

( 0 / 1 ) - PARTY FRIEND : these two know how to have a good time together. despite the amount of alcohol they are throwing back and the shenanigans they find themselves in as a result, this is a time where they also find themselves confiding in one another. if you look at their camera rolls, it’s likely they have tons of embarrassing and unflattering videos and pics of one another, in between their sob-worthy confessionals and venting/rants. these two trust one another, and although they love getting wreckT together, they find themselves discussing very raw and personal details. likely the only person oliver confides in, simply bc he’s completely plastered.

( 1 / 1 ) - SIBLING-LIKE RELATIONSHIP : these two have a love/hate relationship, very sibling like filled with pranks, competition, teasing and playful banter. however, when it comes down to it they have so much love and respect for one another. they know that no matter what happens they will always have one anothers back and be supportive of the other. truly a pure content filled relationship.

okay quick mention, ENEMY PLOTS ?!?!?!?!?!? i would live for one. i can’t imagine oliver being hardcore nasty, but i’d like to see whatever version comes out for this. so let’s get it djfngjakdfg maybe they just hold different viewpoints on the world and what not and clash, anything really !!! v open !!

( 1 / 1 ) - MENTOR - oliver needs a bit of structured or unstructured guidance, all depending on what their deemed mentor is wanting to impart on him, a bit of wisdom or slight chaos. kdjfgn he’ll take anything !! life advice in any and all aspects. maybe they come into the bakery, or maybe they help him with his garden. who knows, i certainly don’t know how they met, but we’ll figure it out ?!?!

RANDOM LITTLE IDEAS : maybe they’ve heard of one another in town, but haven’t quite met yet! or maybe they see each other around all the time, but have yet to introduce themselves to one another but low-key maybe in some online forum for the town together ?! who knows some fun things kdjnfg i AM OPEN !

ooh maybe a slowburn of sorts ?! something spicy to wreck ollie’s and my life with.  dkfjgn we can base this off of chemistry !!! :’-) 

[fluidityandgiggles]

Sleep Is For The Weak - Chapter 17

Previous Chapters: Prologue, Chapter 1, Chapter 5, Chapter 10, Chapter 15, Last Chapter

Writing Masterlist - for previous chapters not otherwise linked, Read on AO3

Notes (I guess): Happy school year in two weeks, folks.

Not gonna lie, I actually had a plan for this chapter, and then forgot it. So... yeah, not the most cohesive or best chapter, but I got it out, and it’s nice, and I like it this way because it’s a break from the wave of panic attacks and mild transphobia the last chapter or two.

Yes, I’m back home now, and I’m doing actually much better mentally and physically than I have since September till June. But the chapters are gonna take a while longer to write from now on, because I’m about to join the scary world of job searching for the unstable ADHD brain, not to mention being involved in three regular ttrpg campaigns (where I play a halfling sorcerer, and a half-elf bard, and also DM the third one), so... my brain is busy. But I promise this fic isn’t going on hiatus! I’m still extremely dedicated and excited to be writing this fic. I love it so much. Honest.

As per every chapter, thanks go to @whatwashernameagain for KHS and for generally being a wonderful human, to @broadwaytheanimatedseries for putting up with my fangirl-levels of excitement over everything (and coming up with the original idea), to @winglessnymph, @asleepybisexual and @anony-phangirl - who, while I know they’ve all fallen out of the loop, continue to have long-lasting effects on this fic as a whole - and new to this list, to @ilovemygaydad, who I’ve asked to beta this fic for me and I hope they’d have time for that starting with the next chapter.

Happy start of college and good luck, my darling dear child. I love you.

Tag list (sort of): @bunny222, @ab-artist, @sweet-and-sour-shadowling, @your-username-is-unavailable, @virgilcrofters, @violetblossem, @maybe-i-like-the-misery, @book-of-charlie, @thatsanswitch, @thatrandomautist, @thebiggestgaypirate, @marshmallow-the-panda

(Wanna be tagged? Lemme know!)

Trigger warning: period appropriate transphobia (the early 00s were not exactly trans-friendly). This chapter is light on the transphobia, but includes aphobia, deadnaming, panphobia (yes, pansexuality was a term in the early 00s, as I learned just half an hour ago) and vague mentions of child abuse.

—————

Sunday, July 27th, 2003

Incoming call: 218-357-5555

"Ye—"

"Remy? I didn't forget your number? Oh good!"

"...Emile?"

"Yeah?"

"...what's this phone number, darling?"

"Oh! Yeah, I… my phone died, so I got a new one! Sorry I didn't tell you sooner… but, umm, I'm gonna get to the point, yeah okay, happy birthday!"

"Thank… you…? Em, you shouldn't have—"

"Ah, but see, that's where you're wrong! Because I had to, because I said that I have to! You're my best friend in the whole world, what kind of friend would I be if I didn't at least call you to say happy birthday?"

"You're precious, darling."

"Thank you! Oh, did you get my gift yet? I sent it to you in the mail last month! Did you—"

"I did, it was… well, it was unexpected, I'd give you that. Where did you even find a Jack mug anyway?"

"Disneyland…?"

"...you know what, that's fair."

"Yeah! So, happy birthday! I'll be in Manhattan next week, so like… do you wanna go see a show or something…? I haven't seen the Gypsy revival yet…"

"...it's a date, then. But you're paying."

"Yes, yes of course! It's gonna be alright, okay? You trust me?"

"With my life."

"Yay! Okay, okay, umm… yeah. I miss you! Happy birthday!"

"Thank—"

"I gotta go right now at this second it's my cousin's bat mitzvah in two days and I need to get my suit and everything but I'll call you tomorrow evening too okay?"

"Sure… have fun, darling."

"Thank you! Okay, bye!"

—————

"India M—"

"Why didn't you tell me Emile has a new number? I cannot fucking believe you!"

"He wanted to do it himself, peach. On your birthday."

"Okay… okay, I guess that's fair…"

"Happy birthday, too."

"Thanks, mom…"

"So… how'd you spend the week?"

"Nothing big happened… my dad took me to see Nina West last night. It was the fucking best."

"I'll bet. Did you have fun?"

"So much fun! She's fan-fucking-tastic. Honestly. I'd give anything for her to either do me or spare a bit of her funny to me."

"Wow… gay much?"

"Shut up."

"Don't worry, it's fine. I still need to take Jenna to a drag show sometime. Did anyone hit on you…?"

"You'll be surprised how many people hit on my dad, actually. But no. I actually broke up with Chris today because of this."

"Oh? Do tell."

"It wasn't… much. He called me a couple hours ago to say happy birthday, which is fine if you ask me but I just… it ended in him trying to talk me into not talking to Emile again. And that's normal, okay, ain't something I can't handle. But he said ‘sure he's asexual, when he isn't spreading his legs to everyone he's asexual'."

"...did he seriously think he can get away with it?"

"India, no—"

"I don't give a fuck anymore, peach. I'm not going to beat him up, you have nothing to worry about, I just… this shit is so fucking infuriating!"

"I know. But hey, look at the bright side. Ulysses and Mandy said they'll take over next year, I'm gonna let them know. He won't be back."

"That's… that's true. I'll call Mandy later. Don't worry about it. Just… what then?"

"Then I told him that it wasn't his choice, he didn't choose any of it, so he said ‘just like you couldn't choose to stay a girl, Rebecca'."

"...oh yeah. Yeah, definitely. I'm telling Mandy. She'll deck him for sure next time she sees him."

"Thanks, mom. I just… I so wanted to deck him right then! So I gave him a piece of my mind, broke up with him and hung up and deleted his number. Now we wait and see what's gonna happen."

"Good boy. I taught you well."

"Thanks… again… he also said that asexuality isn't real, and—"

"I'm flying down to Texas right now to sock him. I took karate for three years. I can do this."

"India, no… hon. Babe. You need to get settled in DC. You need to—"

"I'm buying the plane tickets right now, Remy! Watch me!"

"—You need to get your life together and get your master's degree. You do not, however, need to go break the nuts of someone who doesn't deserve your attention—"

"Who's the older and wiser one of us?"

"Right now? Not you. You told me this very thing when I wanted to kill that asshole who made a joke out of Emmy, I'm telling you this now. Don't."

"...fine. But if I ever do get the opportunity, I'm doing it."

"Good for you."

"Nobody plays my kids dirty like that."

"You go, mom."

"I will! Oh shit, I have to go!"

"What? Why—"

"I forgot Jenna's parents are coming over today and I need to go pick them up from the airport. I'll call you later to keep catching up, okay peach?"

"Okay, but—"

"Awesome, happy birthday, we love you! See you in two weeks!"

"...see y—"

—————

"...Remy?"

"Good evening, Linda… where's Leah?"

"...and here I thought you called to talk to me. But I suppose I'm only your mother, nothing—"

"Mom, please, I'll talk to you after I tell Leah something really important."

"Alright, I'm sorry. But you got the package we sent you, didn't you?"

"I did, I… I just don't understand. You painted that…?"

"Who else would sign my name on a canvas, Remy?"

"You're… right. I'm sorry. It's very nice. Thank you."

"Happy birthday, son."

"Thank… you…"

"...hello?"

"Leah…? Leah, sweetie, can you hear me?"

"Remy! Oh, oh oh oh Remy I told you I'd tell you about my camp and—"

"And how was your time at camp? Take a breath and then tell me."

"Okay! Okay, so, so we were in the woods, and in cabins, and I kinda wanted to sleep in tents but it didn't happen and it was kinda disappointing but I can always do that later, and…"

—————

August 2003

There was a blackout as Remy was trying to write an essay Dr. Gilliam asked of his class.

So his dad put him on a bus to Georgia, which is why he's making do right now at doing his schoolwork with two children running around.

"We gotta go bowling too!" Leah whispered excitedly. For the fifteenth time this hour. "And then we need ice cream, and, umm, I know where the puppies are, and—"

"Leah, love, I need to finish this essay for school right now. Give me a couple minutes, about twenty, and I'll be with you, okay?"

"Okay!"

Remy couldn't be happier to be there at that moment. He had a plane ticket booked to Boston, his rooming was already set at Lowell, the papers have all been set and he was about to room with Emile, Mandy called him the other day to ask if he'd like to help her run the queer society meetings (and of course he said yes)...

And then there was a crashing sound. And a crying toddler sound. And he had to put his laptop aside to go check on Rachel.

More like run to the kitchen to check on Rachel, who was now standing in front of broken pieces of cheap china and bawling her eyes out.

"No, sweetie, it's okay…" he picked her up and started playing with her hair, hoping to calm her down. "We're gonna clean this, okay? What were you doing with the plate?"

"Tea party!"

"You wanna have a tea party?" She nodded, hiding her face in the crook of his neck. "Okay… okay. Let's wash your face, then pick up the pieces, and then make some tea and have a tea party with your dollies. Okay, love?"

She nodded again, and he kind of had no choice. So he did what he said he'd do, sitting Rachel down in her high chair as he cleaned the broken pieces, and for a moment, he felt like an absolute idiot. He felt like he was his mom.

Well… like Rachel was his mom, and the plate was him, and he was his dad, and holy fuck Emile's show analysis habits have definitely had an effect on him and he really should stop thinking about all this ridiculousness right now.

"Remy?" Leah whispered from behind him as he was picking up the shards. Rachel was entertaining herself, rather unaware of what's going on. "Is daddy gonna be mad?"

"I—" He had to stop. And think before answering. "I don't think so, honey."

"But a plate broke…"

"...he doesn't have to know. It was just a plate. He doesn't count the plates in the cupboard, now does he?" She shook her head, her hair flying everywhere. "So he won't know. Because we won't tell him."

"Okay. I can do that."

"I know you can do that, hon. Now, how about you get your roller skates and we'll go to the park?"

"But you said tea party…"

"We can have a tea party after the park. Rachel, do you wanna go to the park?"

Rachel, who up until then mostly minded her own business, looked over and started nodding with a big smile on her face.

"So we can go to the park and then have a tea party. Where's your roller skates?"

—————

Saturday, August 30th, 2003

"It's always nice to see new faces at the queer society meetings," Mandy said with a huge smile on her face as she balanced the clipboard on her knee, Remy holding her iced coffee. "I'm glad you all could make it today. Now, let's do a name round. Everyone state your preferred name - please no dick jokes, we have people who are very uncomfortable with those in this group as well - and what brings you here, and a small fact you'd like people to know about yourself if you'd want to."

Remy just kept looking over the room. Mandy had this all under control, already having printed out a list to put everyone's names and contacts in for if they need to. India trained her well.

From the corner of his eye, Remy could see Emile bouncing in his seat.

"I'll go first. Hi, I'm Amanda, I go by Mandy, I'm pansexual—"

"That's not a real word," someone called out. Remy did his best not to glare at the person.

He was pretty sure it's Chris.

"Pansexual is a word, Christian," Mandy replied, not even looking at him. "It was coined before your grandmother was even born. Anyway, I'm Mandy, I'm pansexual, and I'm in this wheelchair today because I have fibromyalgia and today is a very bad pain day. Who wants to go next?"

It was the same old sharing circle. Some people elaborated more, some people chose not to. Emile went ham on sharing, telling everyone he was gay and asexual and talking about his bunnies at length, looking as proud as he can be.

And then it got to Remy. And he wasn't nearly as anxious as he was last year.

"I'm Remy, I'm gay and transgender, and my therapist said I can start hormone therapy this year."

[b00bconnoisseur]

60 questions for @not-my-brain

1. selfie.......Ugghhhh ok. Imma take one rn

Ok here u go (yes thats a bmth shirt)

2. what would you name your future kids?.....Ooo hmmm well when i was a kid i really liked the names disney, and mesiah. I didn't know at the time that mesiah was another name for god i think lol. I liked it cause of handlers mesiah. I still do. Ooo and maybe Tj too

3. do you miss anyone?......Yeah. My friends on Pinterest from a year ago. My friend lucas. Stan lee. Bob ross. My cousin who died from cancer some years ago. Snape. Sirius. Lupin. Tonks. Dobby. *continues to name every unfortunate death in hp*

4. what are you looking forward to?.......SE-YA next month!! Its the south eastern young adult festival at this college. You can have meet n greets with authors and alot of stuff its the besstttt

5. is there anyone who can always make you smile?......DEFINATELY. @dirtysocke @mysisterlooksforthisaccountsobye @cristal-kyd1280 @sammchenry my friend lucas and @septembersbloom. ^^

6. is it hard for you to get over someone?..... What like...romantically? Or like a death? If romantically uhhh idk it took over a couple weeks but im ok now. Ive never had another relationship so idk. If death oof yeah idk maybe. Ig it depends on how much i knew them idk. Like when my nanny (great grandma) died i was sad for days (is that alot?)

7. what was your life like last year?.....Sucky af. Still is. But the highlights of my life last year was getting and making friends on tumblr, going to the tøp concert and going to warped tour, volunteering at the library, going to seya and meeting some of my favorite authors, reading, changing and improving my art, listening to all the bands i listen to now, getting into more fandoms, going to a friends house for the first time

8. have you ever cried because you were so annoyed?.......Yes lol. Some years ago when i couldn't find smtn id be so annoyed and pissed id start crying. I dont now but still lol

9. who did you last see in person?.......Hm ig family doesn't count....? Wait do u mean a friend? If so uhh my friends rebekah, anika, and Judah at a TAB meeting at the library sometime last month.

10. are you good at hiding your feelings?......I think so? Like i mean I can hide whenever i get my....time of the month from my mom (talking abt stuff like that with her makes me uncomfortable) and i hid a breakup. And other p big stuff too. So imma say yeah

11. are you listening to music right now?........*pops on earbuds after reading this* yee im listening to bitch lasagna by pewdiepie xD (do i have the best spotify playlist or what?)

12. what is something you want right now?.......To hug @mysisterlooksforthisaccountsobye but SOMEONE has to live so far away

13. how do you feel right now?........Happy that my earbud still works cause they got washed in the wash yesterday....oops. Its not my fault. I told my dad to remind me to take it out of my jacket pocket before they threw it in but noooooo he forgot

14. when was the last time someone of the opposite sex hugged you?.......Uhhhhh fuck idk it was probably from my lil 4 yr old bro sometime last week. Other than him (hes my favorite sibling) i dont let them hug me too much

15. personality description.......Nerdy. Fangirl. "Emo". Tomboy. Hotsause obsessed. Book lover. Music lover. Black. Blue. Harry potter. Introvert. Fall. Sports. Values friendship. Loyal. Uhhhh i cant think of much lol

16. have you ever wanted to tell someone something but you didn’t?.......*sigh* yes. Yes yes yes. Theres some things abt me, or my life really, that i havent told anyone on here or my irl friends that i sooooo want to so bad but i haven't cause i feel like they'd feel bad and pity me and i don't want that

17. opinion on insecurities........I dont really understand this one. Everyones insecure abt something. Is this askin like if i think its ok or not? I say its ok. Im insecure about literally everything about me. My face. My personality. My socialness. My art. What i do. What i say. Basically my whole body. The things i feel good abt are my books, music taste, and my friends (ily fuckers)

18. do you miss how things were a year ago?.........Hmm this time around a year ago....idk its sorta the same but all the stuff i mentioned abt my year from last year didn't happen yet so nah tho my life sucks rn its better than this time last year

19. have you ever been to New York?........Nooo but i want too soo baddd i wanna visit @septembersbloom !! Im coming for ya soon gramps *does the eye watching thing* my dads been to nyc before tho cause he does construction and he had a concrete job to do there. It was a 23 hr drive for him

20. what is your favourite song at the moment?........Uhhh idk!!! So hard! Maybe.....the whole thats the spirit album by bmth ;)

21. age and birthday?.....15 yrs of age and September 27th 2003 (whats yours brainy? I'll put it on my calendar)

22. description of crush......Its weird idk im not sure if its a genuine crush or not but uh....They like hp :).Thats all u get

23. fear(s).......Losing my best friend @dirtysocke and my other friends. Death. Failure. Momo chasing after me then killing me slowly keeping my eyes open to look her dead in the eyes while i die

24. height......5'6 call me short and I'll fuck u up with THIS *pulls out trusty potato peeler named now steve* dont test me boi

25. role model......Hhhhhhhh so many! But uh gosh one of them is @superraedizzle (youtuberrrr) and vexx and bob ross and da vinci and aaaaaaa so many

26. idol(s)......First person that immediately comes to mind is @sammchenry cause he's super cool and he's really nice and his art's reallyyy good (if u havent seen it w-w-what are u even doin with your life?) And he has a great sense of humor and *continues to ramble about why samms the best*

27. things i hate.......Dabs. Transphobes. Homophobic ppl. Basically any hate on the lgbtq+ community. Bullies. The ship starker. Umbridge. Snape haters

28. i’ll love you if….....U you'll eat pizza, draw, and rp harry potter with mee

29. favourite film(s)......Fantastic beasts. Every hp film. Twilight. The maze runner 1-2. The hunger games. Spiderman homecoming. Kingsman: secret service. Into the spideyverse tho i havent seen it yet

30. favourite tv show(s)......Inkmasterrrrr. B99. The mick. The middle. Uhhh idk mostly ink master xD

31. 3 random facts........Ive never had shrimp. I had a beta fish for over a year once. Im eating pizza crust rn

32. are your friends mainly girls or guys?.......G i r l s. I have all girl friends irl and one boy. And on tumblr it seems like i just meet girls? Likei agree with @cristal-kyd1280 its like alot more gals then dudes here. But i do have some guy friends on here too. But mostly girls

33. something you want to learn.......TO DRAW ANATOMY DAMMIT

34. most embarrassing moment........Every moment of my lifes an embarrassing moment. Idk of i can pick a "most" embarrassing one. But one time i i sent my crush (now ex bf) a hey fuckface and like some hearts or whatever for an ask game that meant like "i have a crush on u" "youre adorable" etc and said Hewo but i did it all anonymously. But he confronted me askin if i sent it cause im the only person he knows that actually says hewo lol. Then later on i finally admitted i really liked him and well y'all know the story after i think. Unless you're new

35. favourite subject.......A R TTTT OFC

36. 3 dreams you want to fulfill?........meet my friends on tumblr. Get into mtsu (college i wanna go to) and study art. And go skydiving

37. favourite actor/actress........favorite actor uhhhhhh probably thomas brodie sangster or tom felton and my favorite actress? Hmmm idk maybe evanna lynch (luna lovegood)

38. favourite comedian(s).......probably kevin hart lol he's p funny

39. favourite sport(s)........basketballllllll and football

40. favourite memory........uhhhhh idk?? One oh my favorite memories was when we went to see tøp in concert

41. relationship status.....single as a pringle

42. favourite book(s)......harry potter and the order of the pheonix. Harry potter and the half blood prince. Simon vs the homo sapiens agenda. Divergent. Maze runner. Twilight. Fangirl. Fallen. Red queen

43. favourite song ever.......TOO HARD DONT MAKE ME CHOOSEEEEEE

44. age you get mistaken for.........16 and 17 sometimes lol

45. how you found out about your idol........i was watching someone on yt and superraedizzle always poped up in my feed and my mom turned on one of her vids cause she always saw her vids too now ive seen most of em i love her. Id heard of vexx but never watched him and i was watching a collab from anthony miller art and shrimpy and i checked out shrimpys channel and was lookin at comments and alot of ppl said his art is like vexxs so i checked out vexx. At first i was like eh ok. Now i cant click fast enough when he posts a vid. And i actually fpund out about bob ross from my grandpa on jan 20 2017 when trump was getting sworn in or whatever. We turned on pbs and my grampa told me to look and bob ross was on and i was IN. I loved it. I even started watching full episodes on YouTube of the joy of painting after that. Wonderful man. My first painting i ever did i think was when i followed one of his tutorials xD (i didnt know it was popular at the time)

46. what my last text message says......."ok your turn"

47. turn ons.....uhh nerds ig idk um book lovers, music lovers, art lovers, potterheads, idk and nice ppl

48. turn offs......jerks. Homophobia. Idk ig whatever i said in things i hate

49. where i want to be right now......uhhhh idk wait didn't i already answer this? Ok this ones different ig so uhh with my friend lucas

50. favourite picture of your idol.....oh shit...favorite? Idk xD i have a fave of vexx but not of rae or bob. But heres pics of them any way

51. starsign......a libraaaaa boiii

52. something i’m talented at......drawing and speed reading. Thats about it lol. Oh and procrastina

53. 5 things that make me happy.......ooooo art, my friends here on tumblr, books, harry potter, and music ^^

54. something thats worrying me at the moment.....if my friend thinks im being annoying

55. tumblr friends......hhhhh so manyyyyyy. @dirtysocke @mysisterlooksforthisaccountsobye @cristal-kyd1280 @chinesewaffles2 @kingantlion @queen-baelin @sammchenry @septembersbloom and more

56. favourite food(s)......green beans, pepperoni pizza, and vanilla madelines

57. favourite animal(s).......basically any reptile. Puppies. Cats. Any animal really but my #1 are snakes

58. description of my best friend.....well she's a tiny bean (5 feet) and she has dark hair, she wears glasses, she doesnt take shit, she's in love with Josh dun, she's awesome, funny, nice (YES youre nice jackie) and shes the best friend ive ever had. Oh. And she has a weird obsession with spaghetti

59. why i joined tumblr.......well i heard abt it on Pinterest over a year ago but didnt want it. Then @mrfastbass-deactivated20181231 on DeviantArt said he got tumblr so i made one then followed him and figured id just post art and that's it cause i thought tumblr was boring as hell when i first got it. Now im p much obsessed with it

60. ask me anything you want.......go ahead brainy shoot. Give me smtn good

[7wanderingpaws]

Hiii kayyy~~~💕 so this randomly came to my mind and I wanted to ask you abt it

remember how you made us pick prompts and wrote em down according to the fic we chose and ask questions for stories or abt you on your birthday??

can you plz do something like that for Christmas its gonna be so funnnn i really wanted to req one last time but i was late so can you plan smthing like that ofc if you want to 💕💕💕

Hi dear ☺️ this is so sweet;; even the fact that you would remember what I did for my birthday 🥺 I thought about your request, but let me tell you first that I’m still busy >.<. I have deadlines until 27th, thesis plus 3 huge exams, language exam and much more 🤢 so bear this in mind - I’m very behind any schedule 😞

Here is what I’ll do! I will reblog a prompt list I found and liked, and feel free to request what you originally wished for! 😊 so pick a story and a request and I’ll see what I can do! 😘

[archielogs]

chapter 4// ginger

mature content ;) pg-13-ish

I woke up drowsy and completely out of it at 3:00 am and I received threatening texts over and over from the same unknown number. I read them over and over. Going over every aspect of my life. Every friendship. Every relationship. Every class I have been too. Every place I went to with friends. All of it including the smallest of details. I was scared. I didn't know who was out to get me. Could I be going crazy?

I sat up and since the number wasn't blocked, I opened my laptop and searched for the number. I checked online phone books. I checked every white page type website. Nothing. This number as far as I knew didn't exist.

Archie was tossing and turning. I sat up for a few minutes re-reading the messages. I couldn't comprehend how this person knew me. I sat like this for hours. Re-reading, researching. I couldn't figure it out until one text stood out to me, it was a riddle I was always told by a family friend.

Beware of the water pipe,

Under rusty types.

Beware the unknown game,

Don't stay the same.

I was confused. The family friend died many years ago. The only people who knew this pasted. My family was gone, either dead or away from Riverdale. I didn't understand.

—

I was scared. I got up and put on some workout clothes and went on a run around 6:00 am. I needed to clear my head. While I ran I tried to figure it out. They knew me when I was child. I only have brief, blurred pictures of them in my memory. Since Pop's was so close, I ran inside to get something to eat for Archie and I.

"Hey Pop. Can I get a parfait and eggs and toast to go with two coffees?" I asked.

"Sure. Have you read the paper this morning?" He asked. "It's rather spooky." He placed the paper on the counter and he went to the back.

I picked up the paper as I removed my earbuds from my ears. The front cover was a picture of a pipe under an old abandoned house with blood on it and attached to the pipe was a piece of paper that read:

Beware of the water pipe,

Under rusty types.

Beware the unknown game,

Don't stay the same.

The article was about a little girl that was murdered over 16 years ago in Riverdale and they recently found the murder weapon but the killer has yet to turn up.

Pop came out with my food and I gave him $30 and I left with the paper in hand. I called Betty.

"Hey Em! What's up?"Betty said.

"I think I have a lead to solve the case." I quickly said.

"Really? Let's all meet up in the Blue and Gold office in about 2 hours? I have to go bye!"

"Ok. Perfect. Bye." I said as I ended the call.

—

I got home with our food and placed everything on the table. I went to the fridge for some creamer as Archie came downstairs.

"Morning babe." Archie said as he hugged my my waist and kissed my neck.

"Good morning baby." I said as I turned around. I wrapped my arms around Archie's neck and Archie brought me in even closer. I gazed into his big, brown eyes.

"How did you sleep?" I asked.

"Not the best. I couldn't stop thinking about the whole situation. I couldn't help but to remember that I need to protect you." He said as he pushed my hair back.

"You don't have to protect me." I said. "I have been fine even before I met you."

I may have blown up but I wasn't afraid. I didn't need to be protected. I was my own person. I could protect myself. Or so I thought.

"Em, what's wrong?" Archie asked.

"Nothing." I lied. Everything was wrong. I couldn't protect anyone. I couldn't help anyone.

Archie glanced at the table and he picked up the paper. Shoot.

"What's this?" Archie asked. I crossed my arms.

"Well-" I didn't know how to tell him so I explained everything. The riddle. The texts. Literally everything. From the start. I couldn't hide anything from him. He was someone who was invested in me. He loved me. "I told Betty that I may have found something and she wants to meet up at the Blue and Gold office in two hours." I said.

"Wow. Em, why didn't you every tell me?" He asked.

"Well-" I'm stubborn, paranoid and I can't trust people with my past. What can you expect? But you know it's chill. "Well, I didn't know how too." I said.

He sat down at the table. Comprehending everything. He seemed to be awestruck and completely terrified. Understandable.

I started to go through a list of reasons why I loved Archie.

He's:

-sweet

-compassionate

-protective

-silly

-hot

-hot

-hot

oh and

-hot.

and a new addition to my list:

-understanding.

"Babe," he got up and gazed into my eyes and held my hands. "this whole thing doesn't change my feelings for you. You are the bravest, funniest, most understanding person I've ever met." he said.

uH IS IT JUST ME ORR IS THERE A LOT OF SEXUAL TENSION IN THIS ROOM?

I blushed. Did I mention he was hot?

He smiled and put his hands on my lower back and I threw my arms around his neck. He gave me a gentle kiss and my body got chills.

"We have two hours right?" Archie said in between our kisses. fRICK.

"Yes." I bit my lip.

He picked me up and put me on the counter. I wrapped my legs around him. I took his shirt off and threw it on to the floor. I got off the counter and stood on my toes to get to his precious lips. He pinned me against my couches arm rest. I sat down as he ran to the door to lock it. He picked me up and took me to our bedroom. He threw me on the bed and I laid there waiting for what was going to happen next. He shut the door and laid on top of me.

—

An hour later, I laid on Archie's chest. The sheets were the only thing keeping us from being closer. He gently smiled as he looked at me. His gaze pulled me in closer. I got out of bed with sheets around my body. I grabbed what ever matched and took it to the bathroom to change. Once I came back, Archie was changed and ready to go. I was wearing jeans, a cropped sweater and a scarf. I threw on some boots and I quickly grabbed Archie's face and kissed him. He dropped his keys as I kissed him and wrapped his arms around my body. I broke the kiss and went to grab my purse and paper.

—

Archie met me outside of the house and wrapped his right arm around me. He opened the passenger car door for me and we left the house to get to the school.

—

When we got to the school, it was snowing hard. Archie's shadow was dancing off of the snow. We opened the door to the school and Archie grabbed my cold hand and lead me into school. I laughed. I was happy. I, for once, wasn't full of fear. I was safe.

We walked into the Blue and Gold and Archie put his arm around me. I was his.

—

"That has to be a coincidence." Veronica said as she pointed at words "16-years ago". Betty was re-reading the paper's article. Archie was next me and Jughead was standing next to Betty holding on to her waist and pointing out the words "The incident happened on Southside territory.

"Em, you were once associated with the Serpents correct?" Jug asked.

"Yeah, I'm supposed to be second generation.Why?" I said.

"If I can talk to them, I can possibly get a little more information on this murder since it happened on the Southside."

"Thank you so much Juggy!" I hugged him. Jughead was someone I didn't really hang out with since he went to Southside High but he was really growing on me.

"You're welcome. Em, when are you free? Maybe Archie, you and Betty and I can go on a double date?" He said.

l looked at Archie and I said "Anytime."

"What about tonight? At Pop's? Around 7?"

"Sounds perfect." I said. I looked at Archie.

I started looking through old articles to find out maybe a lead to the young girl. There were 2 girls who may have been the small girl. A little girl name Charlotte "Charlie" who was only 3 years old when she went missing. And a little girl who was a Jane Doe. No age. No identity. They were both missing around my birthday which is November 27th. It was around late 2000, when I was almost a year old. They both were abducted from Greendale and supposedly left in the Southside of Riverdale. Odd.

—

Archie and I left around 5:30 as well as everyone else. We tried to gather a lot of evidence of reading every article produced in November of the year 2000. Nothing.

Archie held my hand and lead me to the car and opened my door. I got in and he kissed me. He got in and we sat in the car listening to The Smiths. I put my hand on his console and he placed his hand on mine interlocking our fingers.

—

We got ready for our date. I wore a black skirt and a gray cropped sweater with a white collared shirt while Archie wore a grey buttoned v-neck and jeans. I threw on some black chunky heels and Archie walked into my room. "You look stunning." He said.

I wrapped my arms around his neck. "But you look sexy." I said as I hit my lip looking him up and down.

—

We arrived at Pop's and sat at the booth where Jughead and Betty sat. We greeted Betty and Jughead. I placed my hand on Archie's inner thigh and he began to blush.

"So, how's school Jug?" Archie asked.

"Good I guess." Jughead answered. They never were really besties but they were not enemies either. They have a weird relationship.

"So Jug, whose your favorite band?" I asked.

"I'm into alternative, like 80's and 90's alternative. " Jughead said.

"Wow me too!"

"I mean I'm into The Smiths, Oasis,..."

We talked about our artists for a while and I was alike him. It's like we were old friends.

"Betty, how is your family doing?" I asked.

"Their great." Betty replied. Betty's family invite me over all the time when Archie isn't over so I wasn't alone. I really liked Alice Cooper, she was like me. Headstrong, compassionate and loving. Though I agreed with Betty with all of her decisions.

Betty and Veronica were my best friends and they are the very people who I would trust with everything. I ordered my usual: A cheeseburger with a chocolate milkshake.

"Have you studied for the science test yet?" I asked Betty.

Betty was about to answer when we were interrupted by Veronica entering with a Serpent. Everyone was quiet.

[zexalmonth]

Hello all of you lovelies! ^^

For the second year Zexal Month will be hosted by only myself ( @wendymoto ). @yaminoamber has a big big work commitment IN FRANCE CAN YOU BELIEVE IT. Our lovely Amber will be ascended into French territory and won’t be back until December. She’ll have bits and pieces of internet, but work comes first! So please send Amber your wishes and luck. <3

Before I start the information, I would just like to mention that with each week, I will be holding a ‘Content Creator’s Showcase’. Information on how this works and how to ‘enter’ will be posted  separately from this information post.  Stay tuned!

For the moment we’ve all been waiting for, the ZEXAL MONTH INFORMATION. 

This year I wanted to do things a bit differently to allow a lot more creative subjects. and because of this, weeks might look messy. Nevertheless I will learn from it if things don’t go as planned or if anyone has any concerns or ideas for next year, feel free to message me. 

How you choose to contribute is entirely up to you.

For example, you could gif, draw, write, edit etc. The options are endless. Participating every day is not required! 

Rules:

DO NOT REPOST ART FROM OTHER SITES WITHOUT PERMISSION. This includes artists on tumblr. Do not take their work without permission. These include sites that most reposted art are found. (E.g Paintbucket and sites like it, pinterest, instagram etc.) 

Respect everyone’s work, headcanon etc. 

Please respect any OC’s, fan characters, self inserts etc. Even if you don’t like them, they would mean the world to the creators. I’ll be tagging as ‘zexal oc’s’ if you would like to blacklist that. 

Please tag ‘nsfw’ things as they are. Or triggers if you feel the need too.

ALL INFORMATION UNDER THE CUT

Tuesday 1st - Sunday 6th

Tuesday:  

Design a new outfit DAY! 

This is self explanatory. Pick characters and draw any and all outfits you like. Put them in some of your clothes if you want!  Be as fashionable or as ridiculous as you like (This day was inspired by Yuuma in episode 9!)

Wednesday:  

Different Characters who were not Barians or Astral beings as Barians or Astral beings  E.g.  Draw/write their past or a scene with other Barians/Astral beings.

Anyone who has thought of other characters as the Barian/Astral race, it’s your time to shine! You can use your imagination to experiment with design ideas, backstories, duels, scenes, headcanons and more. 

Thursday: 

ZEXAL imagines. (From the tumblr blogs) 

Pick one of the examples from the 100+ imagines blogs and go with it. You don’t have to use these blogs, they are just examples. Please link to the post from the imagines that you choose.      

http://alloftheimaginesblog.tumblr.com/ http://thefandomimagine.tumblr.com/        http://imagines-come-true.tumblr.com/ http://masterofimagines.tumblr.com/

Friday: 

Alternate Death Day:

As we know, many characters died in the last arc of Zexal.  Today is a day to re-do their deaths in perhaps a more meaningful/impactful/traumatic way.  Or if you prefer, plan the death of a character who didn’t actually die at all.  How would that go?  Let us know on Death Day!

Sat/Sun: Catch up/Preparing weekend.

Monday 7th - Sunday 13th

Monday:  

YGO/YGO ZEXAL crossover Day! (Any Yu-Gi-Oh! series crossed with ZEXAL.)

This one is as simple as anything. Only rule is you’re combining Yugioh and Yugioh: whether it’s one of the other series, from Season 0 to VRAINS, or with one of the many YGO movies, anything goes!

Tuesday:  

Card game crossovers Day. E.g. Vanguard, Magic of the Gather or even UNO. 

Any other card game crossovers with ZEXAL that you would love to show off. This day is for you!

For extra convenience, I have found a Magical Card Anime and Manga list and a mass list of Card Games. 

Wednesday:  

 Take your new/current fandom and ZEXAL and squish ‘em together! 

FANDOM’S EVERYWHERE. Fandom’s that you’re in now crossed with ZEXAL. Squish ‘em together in one huge pile  and display it for the world!  Due to the fact that we already had days for them, other YGOs and Card Game Anime are excluded: pick another fandom for this day!

Thursday:  

Question time! Any ZEXAL mysteries that weren’t solved that you wished were solved? 

List, describe or show your headcanons for those mysteries if you have any. 

Friday:

Free Crossover Day.

Any crossover with ZEXAL that you would like to make, plop them into a post and post it today!

Sat/Sun:  Catch up/Preparing weekend.

Monday 14th - Sunday 20th

Monday:

OC/Fan Character Day! 

Feel free to do anything with your OCs on this day! Show and explain them. Draw them in an outfit, tell us what they do, what decks they use or if they do not duel. Anything goes with OC’s today!

Tuesday: 

Self Insert Day. 

This day is mostly an experiment for Zexal Month. I’ve recently seen plenty of fandom’s do these kind of things, so if you like the idea of this day, post as much as you like. Make it successful and I shall bring it back in coming years 

If you’re looking for examples, you could write yourself talking to your favourite character about a certain thing. Maybe about another show/anime. Maybe yourself geeking out with Astral over Esper Robin/The Sparrow. Or just a drawing of yourself with your fav character. 

Wednesday: 

Different Protag Day. What do you think would have happened if somehow Yuma’s protag status was switched to someone else?

Any minor characters you think would be great as a Yu-Gi-Oh! protagonist. Writing, drawing, gifs, headcanons, etc. 

Thursday:

Since it is Tasuku Hatanaka’s birthday today (HAPPY BIRTHDAY TASUKU HATANAKA.), on this lovely Thursday will be a tribute to anything and everything Yuuma. 

Possibilities are endless with this one. Yuuma is in everything, shipping, AUs etc. Go for it. Favourite moments, things Yuuma inspired you about, Yuuma videos, fanfics, art and AU’s. Or if you would like to share any in real life Kattobingu life moments. Nows your chance! 

Also, here is the link to his twitter if any of you would like to give him a message or shower him with love. 

Friday: 

Wishes that you wanted to happen. 

Things that you wish had happened that you would have loved that would have been great in canon. 

A challenge is waiting for you all. I challenge you to not think about shipping and ships with this one. As much as the majority of you ship just about anything and the kitchen sink in ZEXAL, what things would be great in canon that doesn’t include shipping. For example, Yuuma’s parents being able to go back home and be with their family again. 

Sat/Sun:  Catch up/Preparing weekend.

Monday 21st - Sunday 27th

Monday:

One True Pairing (OTP) Day.  

SPREAD YOUR OTPS ALL OVER THE PLACE. SHOW THE WORLD YOUR LOVE FOR PAIRINGS IN ZEXAL. SPREAD THEIR LEGS. (Stupid joke Wendy, stupid joke. But yet I still laughed at myself.)

Tuesday:

If a ship was canon, how would it go? 

Create all of your headcanons, imaginations, feels, into posts for the fandom to see!

Disclaimer: Dub and Sub day are experimental days. If you like them, make them successful.

Wednesday:

ZEXAL DUB DAY (All dubs, English, German, Italian etc.)  

For anyone who loves these dubs, feel free to gif or write anything to do with these dubs. I myself have posted some English dub gifs in the past. 

Here is also Eli Jay’s twitter if you would like to send him a nice message about the English dub.

A challenge to anyone who doesn’t really like it, to write ONE or more things that they do like about it. Whether it be a certain voice, a few lines or the fact that they kept Yuuma’s full name.

Thursday:  

SUB DAY: (Anything subtitled related.) 

Today is more like an appreciation for the original ZEXAL subtitled. E.g. Redrawing a scene/cap into your style. 

If you did not participate last year, or you don’t really know what to do for today, you can use the information from Week 1 last year and put them all in a post. 

Friday: 

Palette day’s. Today and Monday. 

Use this palette I created to create any artwork that you would like to do. If you want, you can mix any of the days up with this palette, such as, using the sub day to create art of your favourite characters using the palette here. Or mix it up with the next day as well. I hope you guys like the colours I chose too. Also I would like to thank @metalgeartachyon for helping me with good palette colours. Love you miz miz. :)

Sat/Sun: Catch up/Preparing weekend. 

Monday 28th - Thursday 31st

Monday: 

Palette continued. 

Tuesday and Wednesday:

Words Day’s. 

Use any of these words to create any content that you wish. If you want, you can mix any of the days up with this as well. The choice is yours!

Thursday: 

Fan’s day!

Send ZEXAL fans that you know and enjoy content from, send them a nice message. Or if you would like to list the content creators that you enjoyed from this month into a post, feel free to do that also. Send them some love. :)

If you have any questions, don’t hesitate to ask me on this blog or even on my personal blog at @wendymoto.

We encourage anyone and everyone in the Zexal fandom to try and contribute or reblog others posts.

Let’s continue to enjoy and love ZEXAL for everything that it is and isn’t.

If you would like me to see them, please tag them with #ZexalMonth, #Zexal Month, #wendymoto. We will surely see and enjoy your posts as well. Amber will pop in from time to time to enjoy content. 

I’ll look forward to seeing the posts you guys make. 

Thank you everyone. <3

With ‘zeal’ Wendy and Amber . <3

[ourloveislegendrarry]

Why Failure is OK

TW: mentions of a suicide attempt, suicidal thoughts, & self harm

Hi friends! Boy, it’s been a while, hasn’t it? I know I’ve dropped off the face of the Earth. Just after I’d come up with that really cool drarry Hunger Games thing too, what’s up with that?

Let’s talk about some stuff. Strap in, I have a feeling this’ll be a long one.

If you remember, a couple of months ago I was asking for everyone’s well wishes about an application I had sent out for my dream school, and if you DID send well wishes and were waiting for an answer, thank you much for caring and sharing in my life.

I did not get in. One week before my birthday, I got my rejection letter. I was crushed. It was completely unexpected to me and everyone around me. I had all of the qualifications, recommendation letter upon recommendation letter - it did not matter. I started to pull away from Tumblr, shield myself, thinking, how can I go back and tell all of these people that I’m not good enough? I started to spiral.

In late February, I found out I did not get into any of my other choices. Not one. Not even my safety school. I was overcome with grief, feeling guilty that I perhaps hadn’t tried hard enough, mad at my high school self for dropping the ball. I spiraled. 

To understand what happens next, we have to go back. 

I’ve loved drarry probably for as long as I’ve loved Harry Potter. I don’t remember exactly how I discovered it, but in my imagination there’s rainbows and butterflies and a beautiful glowing light to illuminate the fanfiction.net logo. Being as I was a real angsty teen TM, I loved them. I related so much to fanfiction versions of Draco, this scared, starved for affection little boy with nowhere to turn. I already love little HP with all of my heart, but these years struck Draco Malfoy deep deep deep into my soul. Drarry was my chicken soup for the soul.

Other than drarry, high school was not good for me. The specifics don’t matter, but if you’d like a glance into my depression-addled brain, you can read All for Naught, the first drarry fanfic I ever wrote. Lots of ups and downs. My writing has gotten so much better, but I still struggle with depression to this day. In my freshman and sophomore year of high school, I self harmed almost every day.* It’s not something I am in any way proud of, and even though it’s been years, it is still something I carry with me every day. 

Late in my junior year, I tried to commit suicide. This was by far the lowest point in my life. It is NEVER the answer to the questions you are so desperately asking. Never. I am endlessly grateful, every day, that my suicide attempt was just that. An attempt. I spent one week in the hospital and met so many people like me, got some medication (MODERN MEDICINE IS INCREDIBLE AND REAL AND IT WORKS!!!!!), and started to heal. Because drarry had always been a good coping method for me, I had always wanted to start a specific blog to talk about my love, but I’d just never worked up the nerve to do it. The day after I got out of the hospital, on January 27th, 2015, ourloveislegendrarry was born, and I was launched into this wonderful world with endless throngs of excellent humans. Sarah, Lex, April, Jenna, Juju, Dicta, Anna, Em, Levi, to name a small few. And of course, Leia. My unbelievable gift from the universe. I met her two weeks after the worst night of my life, and I have not ever looked back.

I saw a glimpse of that former Sara again this year. The amount of guilt, anger, and sadness in mu body was insurmountable. I eventually drifted away from Tumblr completely, with no explanation, not knowing how to say “I just can’t right now.” I went back into therapy. Tried some new meds. Totaled a car in Richmond (that story is on my Insta, shameless self promo, @sarahelendinosaur (but also please tell me it’s you so I can follow you back!!!!)). It’s been an uphill battle.

I have dreamed so many times about writing this post, but in my head, I was always writing it as I was packing to leave for my dream school, and would end with the ever hopeful note of “I was sad but now I’m not and I have everything I want and everything is perfect.” That was a nice thought, but it just isn’t realistic. Things don’t happen perfectly, and certainly never the way we plan. But that’s okay. I am putting all of this out there so that someone, somewhere can find some comfort in knowing that you are not alone. There are some young people on this site that look up to me, and while I never want to lose that, I also want you to know that I am human. We are all human. Somehow people really ended up loving this dumb little blog I birthed, but it doesn’t mean I’m better or different at all, really.

You can do it too, is what I’m trying to say. You can have everything you want. Everything that seems so far away, you will get there. One step, and then the next, and before you know it, you are there. And sometimes, you will fail. Oh, you will fail. But remember that there is no one road to happiness. Sometimes we want something and it doesn’t work out because the universe is nudging you towards something bigger, better. There is hope if you look for it, if you reach for it. It is all around you.

So, where do I go from here? What’s next for me? I don’t know. Seriously. No clue. 

But honestly, truly, I cannot wait to find out.**

All my love,

Sara xxx

*I never ever mean to so lightly graze over the topic of self harm/suicide. If you are reading this right now and you are thinking about it, or perhaps have already tried it, please tell someone. A parent, a friend, your guidance counselor. Call a hotline. I also cant ever condone only talking to people over the internet about it, BUT, if you need your first step to be a small one, my inbox is open. Just get help. Please, reach out. Keep reaching out until someone listens. 

**I wrote this post about a month ago, and as of two weeks ago, I was accepted to New College of Florida. It is not Massachusetts, where I truly want to be, but it is an incredible school, the best Florida school I ever could have hoped for, and I feel so lucky and honored to be going there this fall. I applied rolling decision at the beginning of June, so my acceptance was extremely unlikely, but it happened. Keep trying. 

[fourlynchclover]

1-60

1. selfie

ill post one from my phone in a sec

2. what would you name your future kids?

victoria lynn and patrick michael or michael patrick

3. do you miss anyone?

does it count if youre talking to the people you miss? whilst simultaneously missing them?

4. what are you looking forward to?

VIDCON. CALI. LA. STACY. FUCK YEAH

5. is there anyone who can always make you smile?

a couple of people, yes

6. is it hard for you to get over someone?

yeah bitch wtf

7. what was your life like last year?

i was dating someone who i’m not dating and i was employed 

8. have you ever cried because you were so annoyed?

yeah wtf

9. who did you last see in person?

my dog

10. are you good at hiding your feelings?

i dont know tbh 

11. are you listening to music right now?

no. spomngebob

12. what is something you want right now?

pepsi fuck

13. how do you feel right now?

my back hurts and im a lil sleepy

14. when was the last time someone of the opposite sex hugged you?

my brother probably earlier today 

15. personality description

lame shy awkward sad and always makin jokes 

16. have you ever wanted to tell someone something but you didn’t?

all the damn time bimnch

17. opinion on insecurities.

they valid. all of em

18. do you miss how things were a year ago?

kinda but at the same time not at all

19. have you ever been to New York?

not yet b

20. what is your favourite song at the moment?

idk but im obsessed w jason aldean again i love the song ‘this i gotta see’

21. age and birthday?

20, march 27th

22. description of crush.

:o scandalous 

23. fear(s)

dolls the dark ghosts sharks and dinosaurs

24. height

5′2 i am teeny tiny 

25. role model

stacy honestly??

26. idol(s)

melissa adele n stacy prob

27. things i hate

EVERYTHING jk i hate a lot of shit tho i dont have time for that 

28. i’ll love you if…

you can make me laugh, will watch youtube and spongebob and loud house with me, will play minecraft with me, and are stacy .

29. favourite film(s)

ghostbusters (2016) monsters inc finding nemo the lorax frozen the heat 

30. favourite tv show(s)

mike and molly, king of queens, bobs burgers

31. 3 random facts

im the same height as melissa, i have 3 pets, i have like 1 friend irl 

32. are your friends mainly girls or guys?

girls. wtf is a guy 

33. something you want to learn

italian

34. most embarrassing moment

i dont think i have one tbh 

35. favourite subject

english

36. 3 dreams you want to fulfill?

idk idk and idk 

37. favourite actor/actress

melissa godcarthy

38. favourite comedian(s)

melissa godcarthy

39. favourite sport(s)

hockey n wrestling

40. favourite memory

IDK i have a terible memory

41. relationship status

confusing binch!!! 

42. favourite book(s)

go ask alice n the unwind series

43. favourite song ever

skyfall by adele

44. age you get mistaken for

idk like 18 probably

45. how you found out about your idol

which one?????????

46. what my last text message says

‘ok that works’

47. turn ons

literally everything

48. turn offs

also literally everything 

49. where i want to be right now

cuddlin w a cute girl !!!!

50. favourite picture of your idol

WHICH ONE 

51. starsign

aries

52. something i’m talented at 

idk writing

53. 5 things that make me happy

melissa stacy jenna marbles spongebob n the loud house

54. something thats worrying me at the moment

money bitch!!!!

55. tumblr friends

am i supposed to tag them all………… kayla vanessa olive there r hella more but im tired n lazy

56. favourite food(s)

chicken. i fuckigngn love chuikcne

57. favourite animal(s)

polar bear n flamingo

58. description of my best friend

she cool

59. why i joined tumblr

i dont fuckign remmber 

60. ask me anything you want

what a missed opportunity 

[pnwdoodlesreads]

How long could you survive without your car? For the many Americans who think nothing of driving 10 blocks to buy a gallon of milk, the answer is obvious. But before any of you dedicated pedestrians and die-hard cyclists start feeling smug, try this question: How long could you survive without talking?

Chances are, nowhere near as long as John Francis did. After a massive oil spill polluted San Francisco Bay in 1971, Francis gave up all motorized transportation. For 22 years, he walked everywhere he went — including treks across the entire United States and much of South America — hoping to inspire others to drop out of the petroleum economy.

Soon after he stopped riding in cars, Francis, the son of working-class, African-American parents in Philadelphia, also stopped speaking. For 17 years, he communicated only through improvised sign language, notes, and his ever-present banjo. The environmental pilgrim says he took his vow of silence as a gift to his community “because, man, I just argued all the time.” But it may have been Francis who benefited most of all. For the first time, he found he was able to truly listen to other people and the larger world around him, transforming his approach to both personal communication and environmental activism.

Francis started speaking again on Earth Day 1990. The very next day, he was struck by a car. He refused to ride in the ambulance, insisting on walking to the hospital instead. With a Ph.D. in land resources (earned during his silence), he was later recruited by the U.S. Coast Guard to write oil-spill regulations and by the United Nations Environment Program to serve as a goodwill ambassador.

Francis, the author of Planetwalker: How to Change Your World One Step at a Time, is now preparing for a second environmental walk across America. He spoke with writer Mark Hertsgaard about how social change happens, the decency he encountered among red-state Americans, and the importance of bridging the chasm between white and black environmentalists.

An Interview:

Why did you stop riding in motorized vehicles?

This was the first time I had ever been exposed to an environmental insult of such magnitude — 400,000 gallons of oil spilling into San Francisco Bay. And I couldn’t get away from it. You could close your eyes, you could turn around, but you just couldn’t get away from the impact of it. The smell was overpowering. I decided I wanted to do something, but I didn’t know exactly what. I mentioned to a friend that I wanted to stop riding in cars, and she laughed at me and I laughed at myself and that was the end of it.

It wasn’t until a neighbor died the next year that I … He had a good job as a deputy sheriff, he had a wonderful wife, lovely kids, he just had everything. And from one day to the next, he was gone. So I realized there weren’t any promises. If I was going to do anything, I had better do it now. Because now is the only time we have to do what we need to do.

Q: But one could have that feeling and say, “OK, I’m going to join the Sierra Club. I’m going to write my senator. I’m going to carry a picket sign outside the oil companies.” Not many people would say, “I’m going to stop riding in motorized vehicles.” Did it strike you as extreme?

John Francis: It did. But it struck me as the most appropriate thing I could do. I could join the Sierra Club, I could carry picket signs, and people have been doing those things. But in my life, what could I do? And that was: not ride in cars. And I thought everyone would follow. (Laughter.)

Q: You write about this in your book, that you had an inflated sense of yourself at that time. Not long after, you took a very radical step to confront that.

John Francis: As I walked along the road, people would stop and talk about what I was doing and I would argue with them. And I realized that, you know, maybe I didn’t want to do that.  So, on my [27th] birthday, I decided I was going to give my community some silence because, man, I just argued all the time. I decided for one day, let’s not speak and see what happens.

I’m going to read a passage from your book about your decision to stop speaking: “Most of my adult life I have not been listening fully. I only listened long enough to determine whether the speaker’s ideas matched my own. If they didn’t, I would stop listening, and my mind would race ahead to compose an argument against what I believed the speaker’s idea or position to be.”

That was one of the tearful lessons for me. Because when I realized that I hadn’t been listening, it was as if I had locked away half of my life. I just hadn’t been living half of my life. Silence is not just not talking. It’s a void. It’s a place where all things come from. All voices, all creation comes out of this silence. So when you’re standing on the edge of silence, you hear things you’ve never heard before, and you hear things in ways you’ve never heard them before. And what I would disagree with one time, I might now agree with in another way, with another understanding.

Q: Some people reading this interview might say, “That sounds awfully passive if all you do is listen when ExxonMobil says there’s no global warming or when the Bush administration says we can have healthy forests by cutting them down.” Is there a danger that the philosophy you’re expounding is too passive in the face of environmental destruction?

John Francis: There’s always a danger for anything to become not appropriate. But at the same time that I was listening, I was also walking. I was making a statement for other people to see, and perhaps to inspire them. The most you can do is be who you are and do what you do. You’re the only person you really have a moral obligation to change. What everyone else does, you don’t have any control over that.

Q: You began walking in the 1970s here in Northern California. Your first long walk was to Sacramento, the state capitol, to testify before a Senate committee. Then you took a longer walk up the coast to the Pacific Northwest. Eventually you walked across the entire country. You were an African-American man, with a banjo and a backpack, and you were silent. Did people treat you as an oddity?

John Francis: Well, you know, I did look different.

Even for the 1970s!

Even for the 1970s. (Laughter.) I realized early on that I was gonna have to not worry about how I looked. It was really good for me to let my image go, the image I had before — that I had to wear the right clothes, drive the right car, use the right cologne. All those things went out the door, and I allowed myself to be a clown.

Q: Nowadays, many of us think about America as split between red states and blue states. Was that your experience while walking across the country?

John Francis: Well, I walked across a lot of red states, and the people in those states were just as generous, or even more so, as the people in blue states. In fact, when I walked across the country, there were no red states, there were no blue states; it was just America. People you might think would not bring me into their home brought me into their home and put me down at the table with their family, with their children, and invited me to stay.

Q: In your book you argue that the environmental crisis is really a crisis of the human spirit. Does that mean we have to wait for humans to become better people before we can solve the environmental problem?

John Francis: I’m not sure I would say that humans are going to become better people, but I think humans are going to become who we are. Frankly, I look at my life and I go, “God, I have great hope for everybody!” Because I look at where I came from, and I could never have seen me walking across the country, silently going to school, and 20 years later I’m in Washington, D.C., writing federal oil-pollution regulations. Looking at my journey, which is part of all of our journeys, I have great hope.

Q: As an environmentalist who is black, do you think the chasm between white environmentalists and non-whites will ever be bridged?

John Francis: It has to be. How we relate to one another is essential to environmentalism. If you’re not talking about human rights, economic equity, mutual respect, you’re not really dealing with the environment. Trees are wonderful. Birds and flowers are wonderful. They’re all part of the environment. But we’re part of the environment too and how we treat each other is fundamental.

Q: The day after you began to speak again, you were hit by a car on the streets of Washington, D.C. I can imagine some people saying, “The universe was sending a message there.”

John Francis: I was thinking, “The universe is sending a message.” I’m lying there, and the ambulance comes and they’re strapping me down and I said, “Where are we going?” And the ambulance person says, “We’re taking you to the hospital, you’ve been hit by a car.” And I said, “You know, I think I can walk.” They stop and look at me and say, “Walk? You can’t walk. You’ve been in an accident.” And I said, “Well, I don’t ride in automobiles. I haven’t ridden in an automobile for 17 years. In fact, I didn’t speak for 17 years. I just started speaking yesterday.” And that’s when I see ’em start thinking, “We’re taking him to St. Elizabeth’s [psychiatric hospital] for observation.”

Finally one of the women said, “Why are you afraid of riding in cars? Is it a religious thing?” And I said, “No, it’s not religious.” “Is it a spiritual practice or something?” I said, “No.” She says, “Well, it’s principles, huh?” And I grab onto that: “Principles! Yes, it’s principles!” And she tells me, “Honey, if you can suspend your principles for five minutes, we can drive your butt to the hospital.” And I think about it and all I come up with is, “I don’t think principles work that way. You can’t just suspend them for five minutes.” Eventually, they let me walk.

Read More of the Interview HERE

[tryingtobe21-blog]

Hello young one.

I am now the ripe old age of 26. Yeap - count em’, twenty six of your finest years. Well technically, if you’re born, and you live for a year and on your first birthday you celebrate clocking 1 year of your life, and the day after that is moving towards your 2nd year. You’re already in year 2, then I have just ticked over 26, and am in my 27th year... woah. Let’s not think about that. I am 26, yeah, let’s leave it at that.  This year has been hard. This whole year has been hard. At the beginning of this year I lost my job, I was made redundant from my dream job, from the best job I’ve had, with the best team. It was hard, it was sad, but it was fine. I was sad to not be with my team anymore. I then had my portfolio ripped to shreds by Vend, by people I looked up to and kinda revered, and wanted to impress. Then I struggled to find a job. And chose The Social Club, but not before declining them, and negotiating my salary to 70k. I was on 50k at Preno I think.  Anyway, I stayed there for like 4 months? And things were going to shit, my PM (Emily) was leaving, the CEO and founder was young and idk, wanted to do things her way, we weren’t really a team. Anyway, I looked elsewhere, contacted Dan from Talent Army and wow- I ended up getting offers from Xero, Timely, and Vend. Xero’s was a 90k total package. I took Vend - and here I am. 4+ months at Vend. But wow - I am finding it .. I’m struggling rn. I’ve cired like at least once a month at this job. I’ve really had, fuck like - I don’t know if it’s growing and learning, like I’ll look back in  a year or so, be in a different place and be like “wow, yeah I had a lot of growing to do and that’s why it was hard” OR if it’s hard cause, like things aren’t right, or like the team and process and the way they do things is hard. You know? I don’t know if it’s meant to be this hard or not? Do I trust the process or is something wrong? Anyway, I’ve cried a lot, been upset a lot. Felt so uncertain, felt so unsure, felt so shit about myself. And tbh I still kinda do. But for now I’m trusting the process, gonna give it my all, try and learn all the things, and in a year, re-evaluate I guess. Vend gives me good pay (though I’d like more), a nice enough team of people, they’re okay, though idk, they’re not Preno, and they’re... I feel a bit alone there sometimes. But I don’t know if I’m the one holding them at arms length. I get a 5k travel budget which is nice. The perks are good, parking, flexi hours, nice office, social things, etc. Good name. Working for Vend will be great for my CV. Yeah, I’m gonna stick it out, learn what I can and yeah.  I had an interesting chat with Ludwig the other day about not trying to “win” at life, or play the game to get all the things right, but to have goals around understanding how to do my work best. Don’t figure out how to pass the test and do that, actually learn about physics. Don’t put you’re all into ticking the boxes to try be head girl, cause when you don’t get it (cause school politics), you’ll feel sooo fucking angry and cheated. But you can’t put your future in someone elses hands, and you gotta do things for the right reasons. Is how I feel now anyway.  I’ve had a great bday so far, I had cake wednesday. I fucking stressed all week and cried. I stayed up till 11pm working on my presentation and worked all day on it today till 10am, and then did it, it went awesome, and then I mentally checked out. Then we had lunch. And then after work I went to Paparich with Mark and mama and papa. They brought me my shoes and omg 1grand, tsk I was so like omg but also whyyyy :( it makes me sad cause why are they giving me this kind of money, I should be giving them this kind of money. They’re not rich. I feel for them. How can I give them what they give me. I want to repay them. They give me so much and they only think of me. And just- what can I do? I feel like I’m not doing enough as a daughter. It makes me sad.  Okay, anyway, then we went to the arcade and played games. It was fun.  Also yesterday I got 2 new tattoos, I’m getting a nice little collection. 

Things have been hard, but things are also maybe the best they’ve been. They’re hard, but good. Grandma is still here, I have my parents and sister. And Mark. I have a house and a job that has good opportunities. I live in an apartment with Mark in Ponsonby. I get paid well enough. I’m largely happy. Which kinda scares me. When will it be taken away from me, you know? But also yeah, I have all these things, but things are also the most challenging, work wise.  Anyway I think that’s all I have to say. Sorry future self and past selves. Idk how insightful this is. But in my old age I have become tired and whatever haha. I’m sad, but happy. Things are hard but good. Look after yourself. Work hard. Love your family, do everything you can for them. Be happy. Be nice to yourself. Be grateful for the people you have around you. You’re doing well, I know its hard, but keep going. I have no idea who I’m telling this to, future self or now self or past self? Idk. Maybe future self. Things are hard right now, but I’m working through them. As should you. I feel sad but I’m just - I’m just pushing forward. I hope in a year to be happy and have all my family, hopefully. And yeah.  ALSO I’m going to Toronto in NOV how exciting!  Okay, Jinshibai :wave: Happy Birthday, girl. Love you <3