#‘I’d expect this from a cop’ ‘I was literally fucking dead are you serious??’

[hijinxinprogress]

The JL keeps trying to stop Captain Marvel from talking to the media (and it’s not working)

The jl held a meeting about marvel’s conduct with cops bc he got a little too excited and suplexed a cop completely fucking forgetting he’s a 7ft buff ass man (the video goes viral for months) and the press is having a fucking field day with this bc ‘Captain Marvel Hates The Government!’ ‘Justice League Member, Captain Marvel, Shows His True Colors…?’ ‘Fawcett Superhero Attacks Civilian!’ ‘Captain Marvel Sends Police Officer to ICU!’ ‘Philadelphia Hero Puts Public Servant In Coma’ and shit like that is on the front page of every newspaper, magazine, and tabloid for the next eight months at least

so they’re like ‘hey you gotta say something! The people think you hate the us government esp the police!’ and he’s just sitting there confused before he says very slowly and clearly ‘But I do…I fucking despise them’

Barry and Hal are fucking losing it bc this is the guy that says ‘darn!’ in the heat of battle and has said on multiple occasions ‘Well, that’s not very nice, now is it?’ to opponents that destroy worlds for fun

like this guy still tries very hard not to make faces at the broccoli on his plate in front of the jl (and fails)

this guy hears a yj member or even the very adult titans cussing and going on the longest rant bc ‘I’ve not heard such foul language in all my years-!’ and what’s this ‘‘I’m an adult’ nonsense?? I’m older than Ravens grandfather 🤨 When you get to be my age-’

they’re all so pissed when they hear him cussing like a sailor playing video games on cyborgs phone the next day and he’s playing fucking temple run at that

[punkscowardschampions]

Charlie & Ronnie

Charlie: You said you were coming to this thing

Charlie: can I send your apologies instead now?

Charlie: 👍

Ronnie: you wish

Ronnie: ill be there like i said

Charlie: Time management was never one for the CV

Charlie: but you’re already more than fashionably late, dear

Ronnie: &

Ronnie: invite came from mckenna and he dont care

Charlie: It’s not his dinner party

Ronnie: no shit

Ronnie: its not yours either calm down like

Charlie: I’m just saying, you’ve wrangled an invite as is

Charlie: you’re gonna make it more awkward because?

Ronnie: if shes not got you working the door now as another favour why the fuck are you so bothered is what im just saying mary

Charlie: They’re nice kids, whatever beef you’ve got with your brother and the rest, I don’t see why you’ve got to involve them, is what I’m saying

Charlie: they’ve not got fuck all to do with your family drama

Ronnie: err he ll be made up dont you want me to be a boss big sister

Charlie: the kid clearly has his own issues

Charlie: I could spot codependent and toxic before you could walk, don’t lie to me, like

Ronnie: cant walk now so stall the starters or dont

Charlie: For fuck’s sake Veronica

Ronnie: you wanted the truth bitch

Charlie: You can’t show up here high

Charlie: they’ll be terrified, might call the cops

Ronnie: showing up sober is what i cant do

Charlie: don’t you think you should take a break from him

Charlie: whatever you decide to do after, you need to calm it down

Ronnie: it was you who said not to act like he werent about

Charlie: yeah, you can’t pretend it hasn’t happened obviously

Charlie: but that was before you shot him up

Ronnie: and after you told me to look after him

Ronnie: make up your fucking mind baby

Charlie: What would be preferable is you not fucking doing it

Charlie: really should go without saying

Ronnie: it fucking wouldnt

Ronnie: you cant hack living with me on gear how do you reckon itd be with me off it

Charlie: I meant dosing a kid, ‘cos there’s no way it happened the once

Charlie: and there are options for you, for free on the glorious NHS for now

Ronnie: you meant both 🖕 he werent a kid when you wanted to fuck him

Charlie: Not the same is it

Charlie: someone can be old enough for sex and not old enough for you to ruin their life

Ronnie: love ya for the flattery but his life was fucked before he found me

Charlie: was he using

Ronnie: youre the only cunt i know who reckons hes above it even B uses 💊

Charlie: yeah because there aren’t levels to it

Charlie: come off it

Charlie: the 💊s he takes aren’t on the level of smack, at all

Ronnie: mckenna aint never gonna let you daddy him you can stop pretending to give a shit

Charlie: I give a shit because you’re a mess

Charlie: more than usual

Ronnie: i dont usually have to babysit any bastard half brothers like

Charlie: you’re choosing to come tonight though

Ronnie: i owe him after that call centre bullshit

Charlie: and that’s it?

Ronnie: what the fuck else would it be

Charlie: You tell me

Ronnie: i just did

Charlie: Alright then

Ronnie: [show up so he can judge the absolute state of you IRL and have to make allowances for that and how rude you are]

Charlie: [we all know how this goes, feel his shame and judgment in how much work we have to do to cover up your behaviour]

Ronnie: [how offended and upset she would be that he's ashamed of her is killing me because how could he not be babe]

Charlie: [oh honey, like what else could we be lol]

Ronnie: [the real question is have you picked up on the jealous and intense incesty vibes yet boy or what do you think is happening lol]

Charlie: [If anyone would pick up on it, we know you and your possessive energy]

Ronnie: [yeah that was my thought cos he knows her the best and they have their own weird history and vibe so]

Charlie: [he’s obvs not going to talk to you right now because mad and also like !!! but feel free to do some if you wanna]

Ronnie: [gonna have her try and talk to him when Jamie is talking to Joe for obvious reasons lol but before we’re bleeding]

Ronnie: you can lord it you were right but lets bail yeah

Ronnie: charlie come ed soft lad

Ronnie: what you ignoring me for 🖕💔

Ronnie: fucks sake

Ronnie: [after the briefest pause because he won’t immediately reply to her just gotta go into graphic detail about that OD she had in Margate before Joe got there cos he can clearly see all the self harm that’s going on but she wouldn’t have told him about this until literally now]

Charlie: [just a look like DON’T that cannot be overstated]

Charlie: why would you do that

Ronnie: can we fucking go now

Charlie: you can

Charlie: don’t use your self-destruction to hold me hostage, you’re beyond too old for that now, Jesus fucking Christ

Ronnie: [this makes logical sense to be where Sophie pops up with the kitchen roll etc and then bathroomgate so all of that is kicking off]

Charlie: [just out here doing the most to cover for you]

Charlie: what the fuck are you doing

Ronnie: [because they are doing the most in that tiny bathroom LOL you can have a reply once she’s left]

Ronnie: leaving

Ronnie: youre welcome

Charlie: yeah, you did me such a solid there, tah

Ronnie: you too florence dead caring

Charlie: you can’t hack a kid’s dinner party?

Ronnie: fuck you

Ronnie: you know whats wrecking my head

Charlie: yet you can’t leave him alone

Charlie: how the fuck can I do anything if you won’t do that

Ronnie: you werent gonna do fuck all end of

Ronnie: youve not

Charlie: you aren’t a kid, I can’t force you to sort your life out

Ronnie: yeah cos being like you will save me

Charlie: I’m not OD’ing with strangers

Ronnie: 💔 everyone liked you better when you were using

Charlie: you did

Charlie: and that isn’t a good enough reason to be a junkie forever

Ronnie: no shit i did

Charlie: well I’m so sorry your majesty

Charlie: God forbid I sort my life for me

Ronnie: nobody but you gives a fuck you stopped snorting lines out of every twinks arse crack

Ronnie: god forbid you shut the fuck up about it and this recovery bullshit

Charlie: you clearly give a fuck, Ronnie

Ronnie: you give more of a fuck about mckennas flatmates than you do about me

Charlie: that’s bullshit

Charlie: you only came to ruin their night, you got mad when it weren’t going your way

Charlie: you expected me to help?

Ronnie: i dont give a shit about these teenagers

Ronnie: im losing it and you reckon theyre on my mind

Charlie: Is ruining his life going to fix yours

Charlie: no

Ronnie: youve never had to hack this dont fucking tell me how to

Charlie: because you’re the only one who has family issues

Charlie: fuck you, you know I’d give anything to be in your spot

Ronnie: if i could swap our places i would

Ronnie: i dont wanna fucking be here doing this with him & you aint even tried to get your head round that

Charlie: in what world does it need to be like this

Ronnie: the world im living in where the fuck is your head at

Charlie: why can’t you just fucking

Charlie: cut him off or actually try

Ronnie: this is me trying

Ronnie: i didnt hang myself off the back of their bathroom door

Charlie: then you need to stop

Charlie: I’ll tell him to leave you alone now

Ronnie: hes gonna do that now without you flouncing in

Charlie: I’m still doing it, you ain’t here to stop me

Ronnie: hot but you still aint his type

Charlie: not funny

Ronnie: not joking

Charlie: don’t be tapped, I wouldn’t go anywhere near him now

Ronnie: stick your dick where you like i dont give a fuck

Charlie: yeah well I’m slightly more discerning, tah very much

Ronnie: these days

Charlie: yeah, where we live now

Charlie: I’m not trying to relive my worst years every weekend

Ronnie: yeah such a grown up youre having dinner with kids

Ronnie: save this little speech to pull the wool over the eyes of whatever wool homo youre gonna try and pull at the weekend

Charlie: I never said I was there yet

Charlie: better than the state of you

Ronnie: 🖕💔

Ronnie: state of me yeah after whats just happened youve seen fuck all yet soft cunt

Charlie: that’s the sound of me being unimpressed

Charlie: grow up

Ronnie: shut up properly by getting out of my fucking face

Charlie: I’m going out

Ronnie: with your new bezzies

Charlie: what’s it to you

Ronnie: youre not a junkie and youre still the most selfish cunt i know have a word with yourself

Charlie: because I’m not jumping to do exactly what you want, no matter how dumb or shit an idea it is

Charlie: yeah, I’m the problem, alright babe

Ronnie: you reckon you wanna be in my place so bad but you cant even hack it from there

Ronnie: since when have i gotta beg for help off you

Charlie: I wouldn’t act like a dick if anyone from my family reached out

Charlie: and what help? You haven’t asked for help, you wanted me to help you shit on some random kids to make you feel better for 10 seconds

Charlie: if you actually told me anything seriously, if you wanted help and not just someone to get high with

Ronnie: i wanted to fucking leave & cos i didnt its pure fucked now

Ronnie: i am my head is worse than before and you dont give a single shit

Charlie: what did you do

Ronnie: like fuck are you getting the gossip

Charlie: gossip are you serious

Charlie: ‘cos this either is and I’m the shittest mate in the world or it isn’t and it’s ‘gossip’

Ronnie: shittest mate is right weve established it

Charlie: what did you do

Ronnie: fuck you its your fault

Charlie: then tell me what I did bitch

Ronnie: i told you we shouldve gone

Charlie: okay, we should’ve gone

Charlie: go on

Ronnie: you were there

Charlie: yeah, and I was covering for you

Ronnie: yeah well done

Charlie: you say that like I’m meant to know what the fuck you were doing, is my point

Charlie: i was a little busy sorting your mess

Ronnie: you had a cob on over that mess and the one im in after it is loads fucking worse so theres fuck all you can sort for me now

Charlie: calm down and stop being dramatic

Charlie: just tell me and we’ll sort it

Ronnie: fuck off

Ronnie: thank christ i dont need you to calm down

Ronnie: [gonna go get messy obvs so she probably won't reply but if you wanna try go ahead hun]

Charlie: yeah, smack has served you SO well thus far

Charlie: what a great idea

Charlie: come on

Charlie: oh, the silent treatment in return, really

Charlie: very mature

Charlie: I’ll see you when I get home

[razorblade180]

Sunshower 10

[1 of 2 parts]

Ilia:You see them yet?

Sun:Nope.

Ilia:Honestly, Neptune has blue hair. He should stick out like a sore thumb.

Sun:We’re on an island with every faunus trait imaginable. Doesn’t everyone sort of stick out?

Ilia:You have a point. Can’t see him, neither of us have the skill to smell him…

Sun:I mean I kinda do.

Ilia:What?

Sun:Smelling. My nose is slightly keener than most. Not by too much though.

Ilia:Hmm, the more you know.

The two continued to walk along the increasingly crowded beach; their hands still together. Ilia led the way with a brisk walk that would’ve been too much for Sun if it wasn’t for his longer stride. He knew she walked fast but he never realized just how fast until now.

Sun:Uhhh in a hurry?

Ilia:What?

Sun:You’re bobbing and weaving in between people like a madman. My arm might as well be a limp noodle now.

Ilia:Sorry, just really focused on finding those two.

Sun:.....

Sun:Is being alone with me weird?

Ilia stopped dead in her tracks and turned to him. Sun wasn’t prepared for that reaction and couldn’t stop moving before being mere inches away; to the point he had to look almost directly down to see her. She looked into his eyes a bit panicked. A tint of red growing across her cheeks.

Ilia:N..no! That’s not why! Things are a bit awkward for sure but I don’t want to think-

Sun:Woah! Hey, I wasn’t being serious. Just trying to break the ice and all.

Ilia:....*squeezes hand*

Sun:Ow!

Ilia:Apology accepted.

???:Well look who finally decided to party!?

Sun and Ilia finally break eye contact and look towards the water to see their runaway friends. Judy waved enthusiastically as she approached them with Neptune behind them. The boy looked a little pale from what Sun noticed. It wasn’t long before Sun looked down and realized Neptune was walking barefoot. His feet were covered in sand. Wet sand.

Judy:Hey guys! Where y’all been?

Ilia:Looking for you two! What happened to meeting up by the boardwalk!!?

Judy:Oh yeah, both of you were taking your sweet time so I was showing goggles here a good time. We were enjoying a nice little walk by the ocean.

Sun:Nice huh? *looks at Neptune*

Neptune:Y...Yep. Totally nice and c...calming!

Judy:? Uhhh are you getting cold?

Neptune:I just need a minute. I’m fine. Probably need some food.

Judy:Oh ok. If that’s the case then Ilia and I can get some food real quick while you boys find a good spot to sit.

Ilia:Can’t we all go together? I don’t feel like losing anyone in a crowd again.

Judy:Well you’re definitely not losing one of us it seems.

Ilia wasn’t sure what Judy meant by that. Then, it hit her. She looked down and saw that she was still holding onto to Sun. Ilia looked back to see an intrigued look on the cops face and an even more invested look on Neptune’s. Sun acted quickly and shook his hand free and began explaining. Ilia wasn’t sure why but feeling him let go kinda...stung? She hadn’t noticed how cool the air actually was until he had let go.

Sun:Right Ilia?

Ilia:Hmmm? Oh! Uhh, yeah. What he said…

Judy:Gee, how convincing. Anyways,if you really want to all stick together that’s fine I guess. Just the four us. Getting food together. In pairs. At a party. Like a double-

Ilia:Sun and Neptune, stay here close to the ocean. We’ll be right back. *walks off*

Neptune:Wait! Get me away from the wa- and they’re gone.

Sun:Did Judy seriously manage to get your feet in the water?

Neptune:Dude, I can’t look like a wimp here. Especially in front of them. Judy is so cool!

Sun:We know a lot of cool people. None of them can get you in the water but me. You’re going all in this time.

Neptune:Pffft it’s not like that. *red*

Sun:If you say so “goggles.” Heheheh

Neptune:Oh so we’re teasing now? If that’s the case, what’s up with you and Ilia?

Sun:Nothing!

Neptune:Judy and I saw you two staring at each other and holding hands like if vows were about to exchange vows.

Sun:You’re ridiculous.

Neptune:Yeah okay. So what’s going on man!?

Sun:Literally nothing. We talked, got on the same page, and now we’re cool. Friends at a party that are having a good time is what’s happening.

Neptune:So it’s not awkward?

Sun:Of course it’s awkward! It’s only been like a day. Things are still fresh. Not to mention a bit….

Neptune:Sexually charged?

Sun:*red* I didn’t say that.

Neptune:Didn’t need to. I’m sorta a pro when it comes to these things.

Sun:You’re a virgin…

Neptune:I meant being uncomfortable ya jerk. I’m gonna let that comment slide though. Your brain is probably preoccupied with other thoughts right now. *smirks*

Sun:Shut up. Can we change the conversation?

Neptune:Sure. Oh yeah, how did hanging with Yang and Blake go?

Sun:Sigh...can we go back to the first conversation?

xxxx

Ilia:.....

Judy:*smiling*.....

Ilia:Please don’t.

Judy:That Sun fellow seems nice. Definitely cute.

Ilia:I said please.

Judy:We are in the middle of a food truck line. Gotta kill time somehow.

Ilia:Silence?

Judy:You’re no fun. Come on, something is up. They didn’t make me a cop for nothing.

Ilia:Funny, I thought they were just understaffed and needed bodies.

Judy:Ouch...cutting a little deep there. I’m only trying to see how you’re doing. Makes filing your reports easier.

Ilia:What does my love life have to do with my parole?

Judy:So he’s a part of your love life?

Ilia:I...no. Fuck you. You know my type.

Judy:Oh you’ve made it apparent multiple times. Does that mean I should expect to be spending the night? Again?

Ilia’s ears turned a bit pink as she felt Judy’s had touched the middle of her back. Quickly she grabbed the fox girl's hand and looked at her. Judy stuck her tongue out teasingly as they moved up in line.

Judy:The fact that you’re so defensive speaks volumes about something.

Ilia:Why is this so important to you?

Judy:It isn’t really. I’m only trying to satisfy my curiosity. You, Sun, and even Neptune all seem to be acting a bit strange. Surprisingly, Goggles knows how to keep a secret. Even when he’s controlling his fear of water.

Ilia:He told you about that?

Judy:No but every time he let out a small gasp when a wave touched his toes told me all that I needed to know. Looks like you made a good friend. Not surprising; your judge in character is typically good.

Ilia:That’s rich coming from my parole officer.

Dan:Next customer- oh...hey...

Ilia:You’re working at the food truck? Don’t you wanna party?

Dan:I like money, and don’t care much for people.

Ilia:Relatable.

Dan:We have burgers, hotdogs, and a variety of drinks. Also fries.

Judy:You know...probably should’ve asked them what they want-

Ilia:Two hot dogs and two burgers. All with fries. Iced peach tea, iced mango tea, and blueberry lemonade. Give this slacker water.

Judy:Hey!

Ilia:She’s buying as well.

Dan:Okay.

Judy:What!?

Ilia:It’s only right. All this free community service doesn’t do well for my bank account. Also the oldest should always pay. It’s only right.

Judy:*grabbing wallet* You’re lucky that I think you’re endearing.

Ilia:Cool. Dan, make that water a Coke.

Dan:On it.

Judy:Okay so I know that’s my favorite drink, but does that mean the other drinks you ordered are their preferences.

Ilia:Maybe.

Dan:Yes.

Ilia:Can you not?

Judy:You were paying that much attention to them huh?

Ilia:I’ve known them for a bit.

Dan:She’s seen them order it once.

Ilia:Dan we’re going to fight.

Dan:Or you can take your food now. *puts tray down* Enjoy the party.

Ilia:Thanks.

She reaches to grab it but Judy cuts her off and takes it. The two begin slowly walking back towards the water. Ilia can’t help but look at Sun sitting next to Neptune and laughing about who knows what. Sure he was admittedly cute; she wasn’t blind. Not to mention he was nice, but there needed to be more than that. Still,she couldn’t shake off their night together. Her heart pounded thinking about their conversation on the roof. It was so...liberating. So comforting, the way they confided in each other. Not to mention his tears. He actually cried for her. That was more unexpected than what came after.

That warmth. That mix of fear, comfort, and excitement. It was...new? Definitely different, but not bad; definitely not bad. Her face began to heat up thinking about what she could remember from their heated exchange. What was his take about his experience? Did… he enjoy it? Why did she care? What was this ache that hit the pit of her stomach every time she looked at his face.

Ilia:Judy?

Judy:What’s up?

Ilia:What if...something did happen? Something that wasn’t bad but isn’t exactly good either? What would you do to explain it?

Judy:That’s extremely vague but...I’d try to figure it out. Word of advice, your “type” is just like everything else in your life; it can grow and evolve. It’s even possible that you never really figured it out in its entirety. Take it from me, you never stop learning about yourself. Ilia you are young and at one of the best, if not the best place to party in Remnant. Have fun and take your time.

Ilia:Wow, that might be the most grown up thing I’ve ever heard you say.

Judy:Hehe, you’re not the only one who’s been doing some growing lately. Times are changing. Don’t stand still.

She hands Ilia the tray and winks as she nudges her a step forward.

Sun:*blushing* Dude I don’t need this.

Neptune:Anything happens at a party dude.

Sun:Except for that, unless I want it to.

Neptune:Or you’re drunk.

Sun:Shut up! I don’t need a-

Ilia:We’re back.

Sun:H..Hey!

Neptune:Gasp! Blueberry lemonade!

Ilia:Yep, got you a burger too, and a mango tea for Sun.

Sun:You actually remembered that?

Ilia:Is...that weird? It’s only been like a day or so.

Sun:I know that. I just didn’t think….never mind.

Ilia:O...kay? Everything cool?

Neptune:He’s still a little burnt out from his conversation at Blake’s place.

Judy:Oooo what’s that all about?

Sun:Nothing really.

Neptune:Everything actually. A little bit of a romance problem.

Sun:Basically I sort of thought there was something between us and maybe there might’ve been? Doesn’t matter now; she’s home with her girlfriend Yang and it’s gotten to me a tad bit.

Judy:You look like you’re doing well.

Sun:I got into a drunken argument with Yang and almost broke a guy's arm. Yang and I made up tonight but then I left the house right afterwards. Being around them right now is sort of…

Ilia:Numblingly irritating. Not in the fun way either. *bites hotdog*

Sun:I was gonna be nicer than that but, yeah. That’s sort of what I’m feeling too.

Judy:To think Ms. Belladonna had three different people gunning for her heart. Is that why I saw you completely hungover Ilia? Drinking your sorrows away?

Ilia:Something like that.

Judy:Tough break. I see how you got to that point but personally, I would’ve tried something different. The best way to stop thinking about one person is finding yourself around others.

Neptune:We all were sort of disjointed last night. A plan was in motion but it all crumbled.

Judy:Ah. Still, heartbreak and booze is dangerous. I would’ve just gotten laid.

Hearing that almost made Ilia choke. How was Judy tiptoeing around so many land mines by accident!? Sun was able to keep his composure but just barely. The two remained silent and continued to eat while Neptune was trying not to laugh. Looking at either one of them could be fatal. Pretending that he’s only being a shoulder to lean on for one and not the other was challenging. He could tell both were quietly screaming “help” in their own ways.

Neptune:(Guess I should do something.) You wanna dance Judy? (Why did I say that?)

Judy:Huh?

Neptune:Dance, everyone is partying around us. I’m feeling better and music is blaring. So let’s dance. Unless you’re scared.

Judy:Not at all. Let’s all get up and enjoy the festivities in a few minutes. Imma let this food settle real quick. After that, the fireworks should be about ready to go off in about another hour. Sounds like a good way to wrap the night up since a certain someone put a time limit on being out.

Ilia:You’re lucky I didn’t go back home the minute I didn’t see you all waiting for me.

Judy:Whatever. You’re happy you came. Now let’s party!

Judy hopped up and took Neptune’s hand then ran off towards the crowd of people. The poor boy barely had time to grab his lemonade. Sun Ilia couldn’t help but laugh at how easy it was for Judy to get Neptune doing whatever the fox faunus wanted. It was a good thing that Judy wasn’t the kind of person to take advantage of others.

The laughter quickly ended when the two realized that they were alone again. They looked at each other at the same time and didn’t do anything but stare for what felt like hours of uncomfortable awkwardness. A couple more seconds passed before gears finally started turning and they ran to catch up with their friends. Being alone was too much right now.

Though Ilia was reluctant to come out, she was actually happy she did. It took a little time but she was getting in the spirit of things. Neptune was still an atrocious dancer but Judy didn’t seem to mind one bit. He actually looked like he was getting a bit better at it if Ilia squinted hard enough. Sun found himself dancing a ton. The boy went from one dance partner to another; whoever was up to it.

Ilia was no exception. Eventually he ran buy and took her by the hand to move closer to the center of the party. He probably started with others in order to hype himself up she thought. Surprisingly, it went well. There was a bit of anxiety whenever they started but nothing major. She was having fun and he was too. It’s like what Judy said, it’s a party. Not having fun would be tragic.

The night continued with splendid music, food, laughs, and exactly one bottle of beer. Ilia caved a little on her self imposed rule. She needed a bit of liquid courage to the edge off. Thankfully Judy was there to make sure “a little bit” was exactly what Ilia got. Now all four sat comfortably on two benches. watching the dazzling fireworks display. All of them in pretty good spirit and exhausted feet. Sun had planned to sit next to Neptune but Judy dashed those plans quickly. Now he was next to Ilia. It wasn’t as weird as before yet he couldn’t help but feel his heart race a little. There wasn’t much room to sit so being a few inches apart was unavoidable.

Ilia was too busy watching the fireworks to really notice. She’d finally gotten swept up in the moment. Sun watched her gaze at them in peaceful bliss. Each one that went off made her eyes grow bigger; her skin constantly changing colors with them as they lit up the night sky. She wasn’t the only one changing colors though. Sun could feel his face getting red the longer he looked at her cheerful experience. Something about it was so….calming.

He would’ve stared at it for hours if she hadn’t tuned to him by chance and he was forced to act like he was watching the sky the entire time. Unfortunate for him, Ilia isn’t stupid. It was strange. She felt kinda happy he was looking at her for whatever reason. This initiated both of them trying to steal glances from one another. A game that didn’t go unnoticed by their friends.

Judy:I could be wrong but do I see a different kind of fireworks happening between those two.

Neptune:I wouldn’t go that far. Sparklers for sure. I hope they know it isn’t the most subtle thing either.

Judy:Not likely. But enough about them. So, tonight has been fun. Getting any fireworks between us Goggles?

Neptune:*red* That’s...I...your are definitely something bright and fiery.

Judy:What does that make you?

Neptune:Burning up and melting helplessly.

Judy:Hehe, I’m that intimidating? I know I tease but not that much.

Neptune:Pretty sure I’m over thinking a tad bit. A surprise date is, well, surprising. Trying to make sure it goes well.

Judy:Yeah I did kinda spring this on you. Well for the record, I’ve been enjoying it. Question is, are you more concerned about it going well or ending well?

Judy leans in closer with a devious smile. Neptune didn’t comprehend the words they spoke for a couple seconds but immediately got the message moments later. The realization noticeable from the blush on his face.

Neptune:Oh I...that wasn’t my intent...well it crossed my mind. Not that it was the only thing I was thinking! I thought of plenty of other stuff besides you. Physically I mean! You’ve been on my mind all night. That...sounded weird. Was-

His adorable rambling was cut off by their finger pressing against his lips. He wasn’t joking about burning up. Poor boy got to the touch.

Judy:This is the furthest you’ve gotten with someone hasn’t it? Be honest with me.

Neptune:More like it’s the first time in a long time that this felt more than just an act. This feels...real. In a sense. Like I’m not going through the motions.

Judy:Tell me Goggles, how do you want this night of yours to end honestly? Cause I can tell you how I want it.

Neptune:I’d be lying if I said I wouldn’t love for us to spend the entire night together, but I’d also be really nervous about it the entire time.

Judy:(He’s so cute when he’s trying) Say, why don’t we continue this conversation back at your room? Talk more about the things we currently want, and see what goes from there?

Her voice was low and like silk. She looked at him with such a playful yet honest desire as Judy’s finger trailed off his lips and down to his chest. Nervous wasn’t enough to describe Neptune’s current feelings; he didn’t even trust himself to speak at the moment. All he did was nod. After that, Judy took his and stood up eagerly. This night gave a lot of information about Neptune and it was checking off a lot of the right boxes. Ironic for someone who’s spent a lot of time trying to not be put in one. Neptune wasn’t exactly sure how things got to this point so fast. Parties are a thing of mystery. He wasn’t going to chicken out of what this night might hold for him and mentally tried to psych himself up before leading the way. He didn’t get far since….

Sun:Uh, where are you guys going?

Neptune:(Oh yeah, I’m supposed to be helping them. Gods damnit….) we were…

Judy:Fireworks are almost over and even though the party will probably rage on for several more hours, I think I’ve had my fill. So Neptune and I are going to his place and get to know each other a little more. Hope you don’t mind?

Ilia:What!? Is this an all night thing or what?

Judy:My, my, that’s a bit of a personal question don’t you think? Who’s to say really?

Ilia:Don’t get cute with me. At least go to your place. Sun needs a place to sleep.

Sun:Oh hey I actually didn’t think of that. Thanks.

Judy:No can do. My place is a mess and there’s sensitive files out that shouldn’t be seen by civilians.

Sun:Are you making that up? You wouldn’t actually leave something like that out right?

Ilia:She’s a workaholic; not to mention a clutter bug. There’s totally something left out on her coffee table right now.

Judy:And my bed, couch, probably the sink. His place is nicer.

Ilia:But-

Judy:If you care so much about Sun sleeping somewhere nice then take him to your place.

A massive firework shot up and lit the entire area with dozens of smaller ones. in a grand finale. There it was, the stinger to this entire night. Completely overshadowed by what Ilia just heard. Suddenly all the anxious, awkwardness, and butterflies in her stomach came rushing back. That one beer threatened to even come back up for a split second with how hard her gut dropped. She wasn’t facing Sun but she knew he was definitely feeling the same. Judy was playing dirty. What happened to taking things at your own pace!?

Ilia:That’s-

Judy:You have a futon if I remember correctly. Not to mention a bunch of pillows. He can sleep there and you sleep in your room. No fuss, no muss. Unless, there’s some reason that’s a bad idea?

Ilia:*mentally taxed*....

Sun:...I could go back to my room at Blake’s?

Neptune:Dude...

Ilia:But you don’t want to be there.

Sun:Yeah. Doing something that you’re not comfortable with and ruining their night sucks as an alternative. So I’ll-

Ilia:You’re coming home with me.

She said crossing her arms and giving him a look of dissatisfaction. The others stood quietly. They weren’t expecting the sudden shift in attitude.

Ilia:Seriously, I thought I told you that you have to stop drawing the short straw for the sake of others all the time. You don’t think I’d feel guilty putting you in a position where you’re miserable?

Neptune:She’s right. Be a little greedy for yourself sometimes man. No need to always bite the bullet.

Sun:I…*scratches head* my bad.

Judy:Well if that’s settled then we’re all set. Ilia, don’t worry about community service tomorrow. Take a proper morning to unwind. Leave the paperwork to me.

Ilia didn’t get the chance to respond before Judy left with a flustered and nervous Neptune. Once again, her and Sun were left alone. Only this time it felt like they were back on the pier. Ilia rubbed her arm and try finding anywhere to look that wasn’t his face. That stupidly endearing face.

Sun:So you wanna party a bit more before heading back?

Ilia:I think Judy robbed what energy I had left. We can start heading back and talk on the way.

Sun:Okay.

That might’ve been the plan, but it did not happen. Not exactly anyways. They did indeed leave behind the festive noises and laughter to finally turn in for the night but talking felt impossible. Sure there was plenty they wanted to say, but they never managed to find the words for them. Instead they walked as quiet as death itself on the way to Ilia’s house. Each with a thousand unspoken thoughts on their mind. Sun contemplated on if this was a good idea while Ilia tried her best to remember just how clean her house was. She’d never have a guest. Not even Blake. Ilia’s home was her escape from the world; her little piece of sanctuary in the chaos she called her life. Now she was about to share it.

Part 9

[stoopsbookstore]

Vampire!Yuta Kink Alphabet

A = Aftercare (What they’re like after sex)

If you managed to take him down from the fuckboi phase, you may actually get more than the kiss on the forehead, pat on the ass, hit it and quit it wave.

B = Body part (Their favourite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

His fangs, of course. They're the source of his power, everyone finds vampires sexy, so just one flash of the pointy teeth and pants are dropping.

Your neck, duh!

No, just kidding. He actually loves your thighs, "the sweetest blood I've ever tasted in my 200 years of living."

C = Cum (Anything to do with cum basically)

He cums inside of you, no matter where he is. In your mouth? Cumming inside. In your ass? Cumming inside. In your vagina? Cumming inside.

It literally doesn't mean to him because one, he's dead, so that means his cum is basically worthless, and two, less cleanup.

D = Dirty Secret (Pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

Please dom this boy. He has been wanting to sub for someone since he's been turned, but literally everyone he has fucked has been a sub. The closest he got to subbing was when he hooked up with a nymph named Wooyoung, who was a power bottom.

E = Experience (How experienced are they? Do they know what they’re doing?)

He's been alive for 200 years, he's been a vampire for about 175, so let's say about 2,000 for his body count, give or take a few hundred.

He's been alive for 200 years, do you reallt expect him to remember EVERYONE he's boned? And I'd sure hope with that many years of living and that many people in his bed, he's experienced.

F = Favourite Position (This goes without saying. Will probably include a visual)

The Bassett Hound.

It's basically a more intense verison of Doggy Style.

G = Goofy (Are they more serious in the moment, or are they humorous, etc)

Goofy is his middle name.

He loves to make jokes about making love versus fucking, how many people he has fucked in the same spot, his favorite place to fuck and if his partner doesn't like it.

"Lol, okay. I can just find someone else."

H = Hair (How well groomed are they, does the carpet match the drapes, etc.)

He gets that shit waxed monthly, he knows the wax ladies by name and he even goes to their birthday parties.

I = Intimacy (How are they during the moment, romantic aspect…)

The only intimate moment is when he bites you, he wants to associate that moment with a tender feeling so you keep coming back for him.

J = Jack Off (Masturbation headcanon)

He doesn't really have to masturbate because he has a little black box lets be honest its not little of numbers of people he can hook up

K = Kink (One or more of their kinks)

Dom... I guess...

Jesus fucking Christ, someone please let this boy sub for you

Biting, that honestly should be a given

Tying his partner up

L = Location (Favourite places to do the do)

Everywhere, you can't stop him from fucking someone deadass in the middle of the dance floor or in the bathroom at the local dive bar?

Hey, how long has that girl's body been there? She looks like that Sanghee girl.

M = Motivation (What turns them on, gets them going)

What doesn't turn him on? It seems like such a cop-out, but literally everything can and will turn him up.

A short skirt, a big bulge, nice thighs, big boobs, small boobs, a nice ass, crop tops, oversized shirts, long hair, short hair, natural hair, straight hair, curly hair, wavy, hair, blue eyes, brown eyes, green eyes, grey eyes.

Literally everything.

N = NO (Something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

Anything with poop.

That's it, that's his line.

And of course, anyone underage, but that's a given

O = Oral (Preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc)

He's such a tease, he will eat you out or suck you dry in both ways for hours upon hours. If you're a human, you will be knocked unconscious by round five or six.

P = Pace (Are they fast and rough? Slow and sensual? etc.)

Fast and Rough! Fast and Rough! Fast and Rough! He is like a damn jackrabbit with his hips.

Q = Quickie (Their opinions on quickies rather than proper sex, how often, etc.)

Yuta is the king of quickies. He can fit about 3 to 10 quickies in an hour, depending on his mood and their location.

R = Risk (Are they game to experiment, do they take risks, etc.)

There isn't really much for him to experiment with, he's tried everything at least one.

EXCEPT SUBBING, HOLY FUCK, SOMEONE PUT A COLLAR ON HIM, PLEASE!

S = Stamina (How many rounds can they go for, how long do they last…)

Yuta can go for a full day of fucking and he has! Several rounds, he thinks his record is about 30 rounds in one day.

Miss Im Jinhyuk... her husband was so pissed when he found them in bed together, but holy shit will Yuta remember the taste of that guy's blood.

T = Toy (Do they own toys? Do they use them? On a partner or themselves?)

Yuta literally bought the entire stock of an Adam and Eve store to set up a kink mansion that he is having built.

His favorite for girls is the vibrating chastity belt, the moans are always so sinful and he loves fucking with the speed of the vibrators.

His favorite for boys is the anal dildo that looks like a tentacle. Yes, it's a stereotype, yes, he knows how it looks, BUT LOOK IT FUCKING GLOWS IN THE DARK!

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

You'd like he would fucking love to tease, but no. He's the type to just get to it, he has the lube if there's any pain, but he's down to business right away.

V = Volume (How loud they are, what sounds they make)

There's a reason why he is one of the most hated vampires in the tri-state area.

He has to make as much noise as possible to show everyone he's still a relatively young vampire who can make their blood sluts feel better than they ever could.

W = Wild Card (Get a random headcanon for the character of your choice)

He met you as a blood slut and fell in love with you, to the point of he thinks you're his mate and you are, but you remind him so much of his former partner that he can't bring himself to rescue you.

The guilt eats at him and he, of course, fucks away the feeling, but he can't stop thinking about you.

X = X-Ray (Let’s see what’s going on in those pants, picture or words)

He's big enough to get the job done, small enough to be hated by those who couldn't get off.

Y = Yearning (How high is their sex drive?)

His sex drive is so high, he could literally fuck every single for the rest of his life and still not be tired.

Z = ZZZ (… how quickly they fall afterwards)

Pretty quickly if he's in his bed and kicking the other party out. If he's in someone else's bed, about 30 minutes if they haven't kicked him by then.

[feel199x]

gang member!au, gang member! han jisung, florist! reader, underground band!au

chapters: I II III IV V VI VII VIII IX X masterlist

song rec: dayfly by dean & half moon

warnings: angst, gun mention

”Miinho,” Jisung swung his legs off the bed, ignoring the shooting pain he felt, “What’s going on?”

“Someone’s coming, that dickhead from N/S.”

“How? He never did before.”

“I don’t know!”

“Then how do you know?”

“___ called.”

“What? Are they okay? I miss ___ so much, Minho please-”

“We don’t have time!”

Minho had no idea what state you were in, and if you were dead- how was he supposed to explain that to Jisung? That you had traded your life for theirs? Minho didn’t even understand, and he doubted that Jisung would either. Maybe it was wrong, but telling him wouldn’t be right either. God, how could he? When Minho heard him talking in his sleep, talking about you, dreaming about you, how could he? At least not now, he knew how Jisung was- emotional and impulsive. Everyone was down in their backup hideout, Chan and Woojin being smart enough to at least suspect that their location would be compromised. They had nearly forgotten about him and his condition after hearing the voicemail you had left. Minho was glad he had taken Jisung’s phone, and even more content that he was nosy. If he hadn’t checked the voicemail, who knows how this situation would end.

“Can you walk?”

“Yes.”

Minho watched as Jisung stumbled, hands gripping the nightstand. Minho pulled Jisung, and leaned, helping Jisung get on his back. It wasn’t the most graceful, but it worked.

“Fucking liar. Do you think now is the time to be macho?”

The cellar was deep underground, damp and dark- rotten. The wood of the stairs was wet, splinters sticking out like split-ends. Deep under the earth, hidden from all good and bad to sit in true neutrality. It smelled like wet earth too, but not the fresh smell- the kind where you knew there was something rotting underneath. It was under the house still, but a lot harder to find than one would expect. There was an unspoken hatred for the fact that they were all there, the mess they had found themselves into you and the heat of hatred was rising, boiling over.

“You could have gotten killed. You need to be smarter.”

Chan had his arms crossed, tapping his foot like a mother whose child was late for curfew

“He’s here, isn't he?”

“That’s not the problem, Minho- You had one job. You know they’re here for Jisung.”

Felix spoke up from the back of the room, a scowl on his face. It wasn’t personal Minho knew, but he still thickened the tension in the room.

“Shove that self-righteousness up your ass, Felix. Do you know how much he weighs?”

“Oh, suck-”

“Both of you shut the fuck up!”

Chan pushed both of the boys away from one another, knowing there was no way this could end well. The boys glared at one another, but backed off- it wasn’t worth it.

“I have an idea.”

“Finally putting those two brain cells to work, huh?”

 The nine of them had never fought before, all these years together had run rather smoothly- some petty quarrels here and there, but never anything serious. But then again, they had never been in a situation like this before, and it was pushing their unity and friendship to the limits. They had to snap from frustration at some point.

“The fuck is your problem?”

“Everyone told you to be careful! Literally what kind of shit luck do we have that you had to fall in love with a gang member’s manic pixie dream girl?”

“His what?”

“His wet dream, you dumbass!”

“Are you seriously trying to blame me for this? Instead of, I don’t know, feeling bad for ____ since the guy is fucking nuts?”

Changbin wasn’t one to get particularly vocal about his anger, he had a temper- everyone knew, but for him to snap at a friend? That was something else. Whenever Changbin got angry, he would always opt to isolate until he cooled down- never, never had he snapped at any of them. Changbin was soft, and never wanted to hurt anyone, even if he did get angry fairly easily. But for both Jisung and Changbin to be at each other’s necks? Never.

“You should’ve left. It’s always been nine or none.”

“We are all they had!”

 Changbin’s face softened at the realization and took a deep breath. Jisung was right, this wasn’t your fault- and there was no one to blame except the kingpin of N/S. It was an unfortunate situation they found themselves, one consequence piling on top of each other like dominoes until they piled up into the mess they currently found themselves in.

“I’m sorry. You’re right.”

“We’re all just stressed, Jisung.”

Chan would’ve cut in earlier, but if Changbin had something to say- then he would let them vent. Changbin would never get physical, he knew. But if he had, then they had all already lost. There would be no way that any of them could cooperate if they would get physical over a slip of words.

“I don’t care, none of this is their fault. I don’t want to hear one word of blame- none of you know what they’ve been through.”

The room was beginning to become hot, but the tension in the air was fading as everyone let go of irrational anger.

“What was your idea?”

“My idea? Made with my two humble brain cells?”

Jisung lightened the mood, and everyone began to close in together- wanting to listen to Jisung’s plan. Things weren’t normal, far from it in fact, but at least they were all together. At least they had each other, at least they had unity. That was something that no music producer, no fight, no gang leader could take away. That’s what love was for them, unity against all storms, like roots of a tree- strong winds only made them stronger.

“We need something, anything.”

They pulled at their shirts, both unaware and pained by the room’s growing heat. They didn’t realize it yet.

“Why don’t we just kidnap the guy?”

“That would make us just as bad as him, Jisung we-”

“I think it’s a good idea.”

Woojin always agreed with Chan, they shared opinions on most things- and it made for a good co-leadership. They worked well together, but most importantly, Woojin was never one for violence. Chan turned to Woojin in surprise, shooting him a questioning look and scanning the room for their response.

“We don’t have to hurt him-”

“Just use him.”

“Fuck, it’s hot.” Changbin pulled at his black t-shirt as it stuck to his skin with sweat.

“Wow, she’s-” Changbin shot Hyunjin a warning look and Hyunjn quieted, an amused look on his face despite the situation.

“Shut the fuck up, we need to get out.”

“You think he’s gone?”

“Look.”

“Oh shit. Shit!”

 It was less than image and more of a smell, black smoke found it’s way from the cracks of the door, rising up and smogging up the air. The bar was hot as Chan forced it open, a sting lingering on his hand. The boys filed outside, stopping to look at the small house beginning to envelop itself in flames. The ancient wood was burning easily and quickly turning black as the fire reaching higher and higher, the crisp air fueling it. Jisung was clenching his jaw, eyebrows furrowed in anger and distaste. When did things go so wrong? He knew the flower-shop break in was the turning point, but how did he let it get like this? He wanted to cry, out of anger or sadness he didn’t know. Was it guilt or was it blame, did he wasn to carry a burden or point a finger? How could he know? All he wanted was to get back to you.

“Hyunjin, go with Felix and find the guys.” Chan wasn’t happy about sending them off to search, but it would be less likely that they would feel threatened if they thought only two boys were at home. “Alone, are fucking crazy?”

“You both have guns.” It was risky, Chan knew, but as much as he hated it- a risk had to be taken. They couldn’t all go guns blazing for a threat that they weren’t sure they still had to make a decision, and fast.

“You don’t actually-”

“No.”

“It would be self-defense anyway.”

Minho wasn’t trying to be rude, but realistic- comforting in a weird way. He knew that the situation that they found themselves in, and he wasn’t trying to make it any words by getting in a petty brawl.

“Oh fuck off with the cynical bull-shit.”

Minho turned to Felix slightly surprised.

“Oh, I’m surprised you know that word! Good for you.”

“Can you guys shut the fuck up? The house is fucking burning.” Seungmin cut in distractedly, watching the house burn from the top down. Thank god for the voicemail. Everyone waited anxiously for the duo to return. Jeongin turned around the corner to see that there was only singular car there. The N/S kingpin clearly didn’t think it through, he had underestimated them before- how could he make the same mistake again? Jeongin called the rest of the boys over as he saw Felix and Hyunjin return with a trio of guys.

“We found them.”

“Chan, what do we do?”

The trio of guys kneeled down in front of Chan. Any worry that showed on Chan’s face slipped away as he gave a firm punch to the middle man’s face. Like Woojin, Chan wasn’t one for violence. But unlike Woojin, Chan was good at it.

“Are you going to tell us where your boss lives?”

It was a gruesome scene to see Chan twist the man’s broken nose as he muttered out a weak “Yes!” Chan let go, hand splattered with blood.

“Great, I’d really hate to hurt anyone anyway. I promise to not let the cops know.”

“We’re going to call the cops?”

“Is that a good idea?”

Chan turned to the boys, having enough of their petty quarreling and questioning, and if Chan lost it- it wasn’t going to be pretty for anyone.

“Who’s gonna tell them what we did? Not these guys, they’re ratting out a kingpin to save themselves.”

“Is that such a good idea though?”

Everyone watched as Seungmin pressed Chan’s buttons, and Changbin added: “Maybe it’s time we’ve paid for our sins.” It was an unspoken feeling in the group, a sense of guilt and manipulation that resided in them ever since they had started selling. They owed a lot of their success to the drugs they sold, and it seemed like they were less of artists because of it. “None of us are innocent.” Felix only muttered, but it was true to them. “I never wanted this-” Chan was beginning to break, his voice wavering and they stopped. They lead the trio of men back to the car, and quietly listened to their instructions. Driving away from the house going up in flames.

 “We could leave this life behind, we have the funds, the fans-” It was sort of plea, a wish rather than a fact that came from Hyunjin’s mouth, and Jeongin finished his wishful thinking, becoming an escapist himself. “It could be over. It could finally all be over.”

The car ride was quiet. Everyone anxious about your state of being, they opted against calling the number back- it wasn’t safe after all. But there was no way to know how you were, and what he could’ve done.  

“We’ve been in this car for too fucking long.”

“Are you complaining?”

“What? No! I’m not an asshole. I’m just saying it’s been a while.”

“He really went out of his way, huh?”

The car ride hadn’t been long, but long enough for Felix to get restless- he was just the most vocal about his discomfort. It was his way of making things seem more normal than they were, sugarcoating their bitter reality. And most of them were thankful, but as the GPS announced their distance shortening, Chan grew worried about Jisung. “Jisung?” He was staring out the window, his anger towards the kingpin simmering.“What?” His voice came out harsher than he expected, voice strained with anger- he had practically hissed at Chan. “You should stay calm. We don’t know what state they’ll be in…” Woojin nodded, prompting to add: “Or what he’s done-”

“We don’t know what he’s told them either.” Chan finished.

“I’m fine.”

“Okay, sure, but I’m just saying. Stay in control.”

“I said I’m fine. I know you guys mean well, but I’m good.”

The little flag appeared on the GPS’s screen and the robotic voice announced that they had arrived at their destination it was suddenly becoming real, too real. They were in the middle of nowhere, but the house was prestigious. It was big, too big. It was a complete juxtaposition to the surrounding greenery. It looked out of place. “We’re here, I think. We are here, right?” Chan parked the car and turned to face the men, and they nodded, the man in the middle covered his face. “I want to go in alone,” Jisung announced as he opened the door, nervously looking at the large house.  “Fuck no.” Minho threw open the door from his side of the car.  “Someone has to stay.”

“We can just lock the car. We already took their guns.”

“Oh.”

Chan locked the car they were all crammed in, and left the trio of men inside. The door took some time to open without force. But with a little coaxing, the door finally opened. Without a word, they took their guns out of the waistband of the pants or short. They split up, a group of three going in each direction of the large house. Jisung, Chan, and Woojin made their way up the stairs- finding blood spots going up the stairs, some of it pooling in some places. Jisung’s heart was in his throat, he thought he was going to throw up. He almost stumbled into the living room, and Chan pulled him back by the collar of his shirt behind the wall.

“You’re a little brat aren’t you? A little piece of shit. You ruin everything. I will burn this house down before I let you go.” You were on your knees before him, whimpering and shaking, crying as he dragged a pocket knife across your collarbone. You were already bleeding from the back of your head, streaming down your back again. You were getting dizzy from the blood loss, your vision fading. Jisung was wide awake adrenaline spilling into his veins. It wasn’t right seeing you like this. This is what you must’ve felt when you wanted to go back to your flower shop, knowing you could be risking your life, risking everything. It was something deep and primal, almost animalistic inside of him. He could feel himself choking back tears, a lump caught in his throat.

“Jisung, you have to wait.”

“Wait for him to fucking kill them?”

“We have to wait until he’s away from ___. Otherwise, he might, panic and actually kill them.”

Jiusng watched from behind the wall, hands in fists, fingers traveling to reach for his handgun. Maybe Chan had a point, they had to be calculating and rational.

“You’re going to have to make it up to me, and you know how don’t you? Be a good girl.” He dragged the knife up your neck and to the point of your chin.

“Oh, fuck this.”

Jisung pulled out his handgun from the waistband of his sweatpants. It replayed in his head, the night you got taken away. How helpless, how useless he felt as you were dragged out of the store. You could feel a shooting pain up his leg like high voltage electricity, but he walked still, doing his best to make his way towards you. Jisung heard Chan curse under his breath and pull his gun out too, his waistband snapping as he pulled it out harshly.

“The fuck are you doing?”

“Oh shit. Shit. Don’t fucking move. I swear to fuck I’ll kill them right here.” He pulled you by the hair, holding you head up by it as you toppled over, too weak to keep yourself up. Out of your spotty vision, you made out a figure as familiar as your flowers.

“Jisung...please.”

He could hear the pain in your voice, and it made him angrier. The gun pointing directly towards your captor’s head. “You’re outnumbered. You don’t actually think there’s a scenario where you win right?” Chan spoke out loudly, hands on his own gun.

“I don’t have to. I’ll take them down with me.”

“Chan, the police.” Woojin whispered as soon as he heard the faint sirens and the rest of the boys piled in. Realizing that there was no way to get out of this alive, he let the knife slip across your throat before plunging it into his stomach. There was barely anytime for anyone to react. You and the kingpin collapsed to the floor as he let go of you hair. You heard the gun clatter, Jisung holding your to torso, covering your neck as it sputtered blood.

“Oh fuck, fuck! Get a towel or something, please. Oh god, ____, c’mon stay with me. Please. Just to the hospital, you can make it until then, please.”

“You know….what flowers to put on... my grave, right, ‘sungie? It might... be selfish to say this... now but, I love you. I’m in... love with you... Han Jisung.”

The blood on his hands was warm, he was covered in a mess of it. It was all over the marble floor now, a maroon pool flooding the floor. Jisung wasn’t in control, he never had control over anything. It seemed so futile, like everything he had done in vain. Chan brought towels to cover the wound and clean up the floor, but the towels became tinted and heavier. Chan was desperately ripping fabric to try to stop the bleeding and Minho flew down the stairs to call the medics in. Woojin’s attention was on your captor, holding him back as he watched you. He was bleeding too, but not nearly at a fast of rate as you. Jeongin had your head in his lap, stroking your hair. He and Seungmin began singing you a song.

“You’re not gonna die. Oh fuck, fuck! Chan! You’re not- shut up, Jeongin!  You can’t- your flowers come on, please. Just a few more minutes. I can hear the sirens- you can do it, oh fuck! There’s so much blood, Chan, what do we do? There has to be something, you can’t just- I love you so much. You’re so cold- why are you so cold? Please, it’s selfish, but just hold on. Chan, there’s so much blood- make it stop, oh god, fuck make it stop, please.”

You were the bird from the playground, plummeting towards the earth and there was nothing he could do. He tightened his fingers around yours, as cold as they were, trying to bring some heat to your body. He ignored the blood staining his shirt, and the medics pulled him away from you, prying his fingers off. The police came in and pulled your ex away, even as he screamed and thrashed, trying to make his way towards you. Jisung followed you down.

“Please, please, help- you have to, they’re so good- please, promise?”

Pinky promise? It echoed in his head.

They wouldn’t, they couldn’t.

a/n: haha gotcha there’s one chapter left (im sorry please dont be mad)

[theoddcatlady]

Surrogacy

The reason this bullshit is happening to me is because I tried to to do a nice thing. That’s all there is too it.

Emma was the daughter of one of my mom’s friends. We knew each other as kids but our friendship was mostly we were forced to play with each other because her mom was over or my mom was visiting her and I got dragged along. After middle school, when I could finally watch myself, we didn’t even try to keep in contact.

But now there’s this brilliant thing called Facebook, where you can reconnect with anyone from your life, from your second grade teacher to that girl you used to play together with as kids. Or you can stalk their page to see how much better their life is than yours.

Emma was the one who sent the friend request, and because I didn’t want to be a bitch I accepted it. Emma Buddy was now Emma Smith, she’d gotten married to her highschool sweetheart and they’d both been raking in enough dough from their jobs to afford a yearly cruise. Last year’s they’d gone to Alaska. I didn’t even know there was cruises for Alaska.

But I figured what the hey, I’ve done okay for myself, gotten published a few times in various magazines, I had a German Shepherd named Bailey that could sit up on command and would fetch me tissues whenever I sneezed. I was fine.

Then Emma sent me a message.

Hey, Jennifer! It’s been such a long time since we’ve talked, I’m sorry we’ve drifted apart. You wanna meet up sometime next week for coffee so we can catch up?

I’m horrible at finding nice ways to say ‘I’d rather not thanks’ so I ended up saying sure, expecting us to make plans that we’d never follow through with and then we’d go on with our own lives.

We ended up meeting at a nearby cafe next Saturday.

Emma had grown up from the awkward pigtailed child with a stutter to a beautiful woman with a great smile and a contagious laugh. I had to tell my very gay heart to calm the fuck down as she was happily married to a man.

Said man was a guy named Adam, and he was an optimistic, upbeat fellow that worked as a doctor. They lived in a great neighborhood, with a nice backyard and plenty of space for the kids.

It was when she brought up kids that her laugh seemed to fade and she curled into herself, staring at her Chai Tea. I asked her what was the matter, expecting her to tell me that she was worried about how her career would fair with children or that she was having a little trouble conceiving.

A ‘little trouble’ was an understatement. Emma had found out just a few days prior that she would never have children naturally. She might’ve had everything in her life perfect for a baby, but her womb was never going to let that happen. Adam was also crushed by this news but he was already searching for alternatives- adoption, fertility treatments… and surrogacy. You can see where this is going.

Before I even thought about it I offered to be her surrogate. Around the edges I come off as rather rough, but if I can help someone, there is nothing that will stop me from offering that help.

Of course my help isn’t always accepted, but Emma wrapped me in a crushing bear hug and thanked me.

The process itself was pretty boring so I’ll just skip all that, but lucky for everyone involved my womb was ready for the whole ‘baby making’ thing and once everything was all set up, I was set to carry Emma and Adam’s baby.

The first few months were as expected- morning sickness, sudden bursts of crying, tender boobs, basically your average pregnancy. Emma and Adam were incredibly supportive, they handled all the doctor’s appointments, covered all the costs, and I got two new friends out of the deal.

Then I cut myself and all hell broke loose.

Emma and Adam were over having tacos at my place, I was dicing tomatoes and I’d just turned to laugh at a joke Adam made when the knife accidentally caught my thumb. I’m a klutz, so I just swore and shook off my hand, asking Emma for a bandaid.

Both of them went quite pale before Emma sprung up and had me sit down, asking Adam to get the first aid kit. I laughed and told them to calm down, it was only a cut, but Adam seemed about five seconds away from driving me to the emergency room.

My cut was cleaned and bandaged, and I was given strict orders to remain still and to avoid aggravating the wound as much as possible. Again, I insisted it was just a cut, but Adam looked dead serious as he made me swear to be careful. For a moment, I felt a little panic in my chest, but it faded as soon as Emma brought me a plate of tacos.

What, I’m pregnant, and I was hungry. Besides, I reasoned they were just nervous for my safety. They’d already confided in me that Emma had miscarried twice and I knew losing this baby would crush them.

A week later, I attempted to remove the bandage and get on with my life, the cut wasn’t too deep and it should’ve long been healed.

It looked just as fresh as it did back then. The moment I twitched, the wound burst open again and my hand was soaked in blood. Bailey, who’d just been napping on the other side of the room, shot up to her feet and growled. I’d never heard her make that sound before, she was such a gentle dog and she’d never been aggressive before.

I managed to bandage myself back up but I did call Emma and let her know what happened and asked if I should go to the doctor about this. Emma scolded me about removing the bandage but told me it wasn’t necessary to go to the doctor. Whenever she and Adam came to visit he’d make sure it was all right. She told me that wounds ‘don’t heal the same when you’re pregnant’.

At that point I burst into tears again but I blame that on the hormones.

After that I became incredibly paranoid about getting hurt again. I didn’t shave because I didn’t want to deal with a shaving cut, I let Emma handle the knives for chopping veggies when she came to visit, I was very careful. No matter what I did, that cut didn’t heal. In fact, it seemed to get worse, no longer resembling a cut but more of a gouge, ripping back open if I so much as peeked at it.

I was concerned, yeah, but I didn’t think it was something to panic about yet. Like Emma said, wounds take longer to heal when you’re pregnant, and I was pregnant. Emma was more of an expert on this than I was.

Then I began having the nightmares.

The first time I was surrounded by dark figures, it was so unbearably hot. I was tied up and face down while they all just stared and laughed at me. A voice hissed the words ‘devil’s wife’ into my ear before a red hot brand was pressed against my bare thigh. I screamed and cried as it burned, I know you’re not supposed to feel pain in your sleep but I did, I truly did.

When I woke up the next morning, exhausted and my throat feeling like sandpaper, there was a bruise right where I was branded. One of my neighbors knocked on my door and asked if I was all right, they’d heard me screaming last night.

I don’t know why they didn’t think of calling the cops if I was screaming bloody murder, but some people just don’t want to be involved I suppose.

There were more nightmares, more than I can count. I was whipped. Burned alive. Skinned. I’d wake up with injuries I’d have no memory of getting, bruises and scrapes that I’d have to immediately bandage up before I bled everywhere. Bailey used to sleep in the same room as me. Not anymore. She would remain outside the door and wouldn’t come in until morning.

People at work were genuinely concerned I was in an abusive relationship with how the bandages and bruises popped up. One even offered me a safe place to stay. I declined, saying I was just having bad dreams and that I probably needed to be tied down for my own safety soon enough.

I joke about that to Emma and she took me seriously. I threatened to clock her one if she actually put restraints on my bed. I then burst into tears again and told her how sorry I was for threatening to hurt her, that she was a good friend and I was being horrible, but then Emma screamed.

I was crying blood. It wasn’t that my tears were tinted red, I was crying literal globs of blood down my cheeks. I looked in the mirror and I looked like a fucking horror film.

I’m not going to lie to you- if I hadn’t already been past that point, I would’ve gone for an abortion and not felt guilty about it. Okay, I would’ve felt a little guilty, but clearly my body wasn’t as ‘baby ready’ as the doctors said it was.

I’m staying at Emma’s and Adam’s house now, ready to pop in little over a month and I think I’ve been had.

I don’t think I’m carrying their baby. I think I’m carrying something else. The nightmares have only gotten worse. When I sleep in Emma’s and Adam’s bed, sometimes I get a good night’s sleep, but it’s a toss up. Adam once said he’s doing all he can to protect me, but Emma shut him up before he could explain further. I think he’s feeling guilty about what he’s done to me. I’m not sure if Emma is.

At night I stare at my giant belly and wonder what’s truly inside. I feel like hell, constantly woozy and queasy. I know I’m going to give birth soon.

And I think the part that scares me most is that last night Adam confirmed what they’d thought might been the case earlier on.

I’m having twins.

[inyournightmares97]

The Truth Evasion (Pt. 1/2)

Part 2

Jackson Wang, GotSeven’s ace hitman and local strip club owner, has had his eye on the girl who helps the gang stash away their dirty money for years now. He wants to know why you won’t give him a chance, but you’re fairly certain that Jackson can’t handle the truth of your past. There are some obstacles that mere sexual attraction and a good fuck aren’t enough to overcome. 

Warnings: Strong language, mafia!au, violence, maybe some boring financial stuff because this idea struck me while I was studying for my finance laws exam. I also have no clue when Part 2 will be out. This is just a two-parter, btw. Hopefully next week? Ugh. I hope. 

Word Count: 3k+

The Mafia (Masterlist)

“For fuck’s sake, Wang. Just because it’s called blood money, doesn’t mean that you need to actually get blood all over it. What the hell is wrong with you?”

Jackson Wang grinned down at you. He was dressed in black from head to toe, his hood lowered and the mask on his face pulled down so that it was now resting under his chin. There were smudges of blood on his forehead and cheeks, but you weren’t worried. The blood wasn’t his. It never was. Besides, if the shit-eating grin on Jackson’s face was any indication, then he wasn’t remotely hurt. It had been a routine hit tonight; kill the guy, get the money. But there was more cash here than you’d been expecting. You looked up at Jaebum, who was standing over you, arms folded as he looked down at the briefcases full of cash with a steely glint in his eyes.

“He lied to us. There’s at least 2 million in here,” you explained, waving a stash of notes for emphasis. “Way more than we were expecting. It’s a good thing we took him out, or he would have caused some serious problems for us.”

Jaebum scoffed, rubbing his jaw. “Nobody conducts robberies in our territory without our permission. He was asking for it.”

Jackson crouched down beside you, fingers reaching out to leaf through a small stack of notes. He hadn’t had the time to savor the cash, he’d been rushing to get away from the crime scene after the kill. There was always a rush of adrenaline when he got safely back to headquarters, the money secure and the operation successful. Not to mention that he lived for the spark that alighted in your eyes whenever you spotted the cash. You loved money and Jackson Wang loved you. He nudged you lightly with his shoulder.

“What do you think, babe? Think we should invest the extra million into our wedding?” he joked.

You glared at him, unamused by his antics. “Fuck off, Wang.”

“Hey, I was just kidding-“

“Aside from the fact that I would rather die than go anywhere near a wedding with you-“ you shot him a look of disgust to emphasize your point. “We can’t use this cash directly. See these notes? They have consecutive serial numbers and they’re brand new, crisp notes if you ignore the blood Wang got on them. Guy robbed these from a bank, remember? If we take this money anywhere near a legal source in this country then we’re going to set off a million triggers and the robbery will be traced back to us.”

Jaebum sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. “Fine. We won’t use them for anything legal, then. We’ll use it to pay off BTS for last month’s arms trade deals. They’ve been ragging me for the money all day.”

You sighed and shook your head. “It’s not just dirty money, Jaebum. This cash is directly traceable to a bank robbery conducted barely a week ago. The national investigation agencies literally have alerts everywhere for this. BTS won’t touch it either. No, we need to get this money out of the country. It’s going to take a smuggling operation.”

Jaebum blinked at you, eyebrows raised. There was a reason that he trusted you to handle the gang’s finances; you had a way with money, knew exactly what to do with it and how to handle it. He’d been suspicious at first, unable to understand how you turned dirty cash into perfectly legal, accountable money sitting in a bank account within a matter of days. But you’d been handling GotSeven’s money laundering activities for years and at this point, Jaebum didn’t even bother to ask you what you were doing with the money or how you invested it and faked the transactions to get it back. You always returned with more money than you started off with and the money had never been traced back to the gang since you started working for them, so he trusted you.

“Where does it need to go?”

You looked down at the cash and sighed. “An amount this size? Overseas. I know a guy in Macau. He’s got some understanding with the local banks, they’ll accept anything for a 15% cut. He’ll deposit the money there, we’ll have it transferred to the account of one of our shell companies, fake a couple of contractual agreements and it’ll be back in our bank accounts, fully legal and untraceable in two weeks tops.”

Jackson frowned. “Why should we give some fucker in Macau a 15% cut of our money?”

You sighed and rolled your eyes at him. “Because that’s how illegal money works, bird brain. What else are you going to do? I’d like to see you try to deposit one of these notes in the local bank here without having the federal agencies tailing you for the next month and wire-tapping all your communications. Why don’t you stick to shooting your gun around and leave the money matters to people who understand them, okay?”

Jaebum nodded at you, cutting off your rant. “You do what you have to do. We’ve lost our direct links to Macau, though. Our regular guy there got shot dead a few weeks ago. Chinese mafia got to him. Apparently he had a lot of gambling debts.”

Jackson blinked and looked disappointed. “Aw, man. Zhang Wei’s dead? I liked that guy. He came down to my club the last time he was in town, dude knows how to party. We drank some major liquor and he gambled away literally everything he earned while he was here. Crazy guy.”

You raised an eyebrow at him in disgust. “Zhang Wei was human garbage. Do you not have any standards for the friends you make?”

“Aww, are you worried about me getting in with the wrong crowd, baby?” Jackson cooed.

“You are the wrong crowd,” you replied before turning to Jaebum. “How do we get this cash into Macau, Leader-nim?”

Jaebum pulled his cellphone out of his pocket and began dialing some numbers. “I’ll talk to DaySix. They’ve been running some opium trades there of late, I’m sure they’ve got some routes in. I’ll ask the Bear to meet you in the morning for a drop-off. You talk to your finance guy in Macau and help them figure out how to make the exchange, okay?”

You blinked. “I’m not driving around with all this dirty cash alone. Send Tuan with me.”

“You can take Wang.”

“What? No!” you complained, while Jackson folded his arms across his chest and beamed at you. Jackson was the worst security detail ever. He always talked way too much and made you want to steal his gun and shoot yourself in the head. You preferred Mark. He was quiet, kept his eyes on the money and didn’t like pointing his gun around for the hell of it. “Why can’t I have Tuan? He’s better at this stuff.”

“Tuan’s detailing a cop that’s been on our tail a lot lately. It’s a full-time mission, I can’t spare him. Take Jackson instead,” Jaebum said firmly. There was a tinge of authority in his tone, one that told you not to argue with him about small details. Jaebum trusted you but he kept all his gang members in line and you were no exception. You tried to ignore the pleased grin on Jackson’s face as you closed the briefcase full of money and stood up, dusting your knees off.

“Fine,” you snapped. “I’m leaving the money in the safe here, then. I’ll come by to pick it up in the morning.”

Jaebum nodded. “Sounds good. Nice work today, guys.”

You nodded and went into the bathroom, splashing your face with water and looking at the dark circles under your eyes. It had been a long day. The more Jaebum grew to trust you, the more work you had. You’d started off investing some small amounts into shady schemes but in a matter of four years, you were now in charge of all of GotSeven’s finances. You handled the dirty money and invested it in segments; shady real estate, bonds, shell companies in foreign countries, businesses which ran as fronts for the illegal trades. Not even Im Jaebum knew exactly where all the wealth of GotSeven was located, because you’d made it all that untraceable.

It wasn’t easy work. It involved a lot of transactions, a lot of tracing money that didn’t really exist or spreading it in various bank accounts across the world. The only person who really seemed to understand the difficulty of your job was Park Jinyoung; he’d been handling the finances before you came along and he was only too happy to let you take over. I don’t want to spend all night reading about the tax regulations and banking laws in Latvia, he’d admitted to you once. I’m a strategy guy. It’s a good thing we found you. I thought all the accounting stuff was going to drive me insane.

There was a knock on the bathroom door.

“Hey. I’m heading out for the night. Need a ride home?” Jackson’s voice called through the bathroom door.

You sighed and wiped your face with a towel before opening the door. Jackson was standing on the other side, a handsome smile on his face. He’s gotten rid of the blood and taken off the mask; there was nothing hiding his dashing good looks from your naked gaze. Besides, Jackson was always glowing and extra flirtatious after he’d returned from a successful mission. It took him a while to come down from his adrenaline high.

“I don’t know, are you going to keep flirting with me the whole time?” you demanded.

He held his hands up in the air jokingly. “Fine, I’ll tone it down. Come on. The buses probably stopped running and I’ll never understand why you refuse to buy a car. Sometimes I feel like you want me to drive you around everywhere because you like my company.”

You scoffed. “Fat chance. I just don’t want to attract attention to myself.”

“Buying a car would attract attention to you?” Jackson demanded incredulously.

“I work in a convenience store by daylight, genius. Don’t you think my co-workers would get a little suspicious if I suddenly turned up with a brand new car on my minimum wage salary? They think I’m struggling to make rent. Besides, I don’t keep spare cash or store money in the bank. The money Jaebum pays me with is all invested in various financial schemes and securities, I keep some of it in real estate off the coast-“

Jackson groaned. “Oh my god, that’s enough money talk for tonight. Fine. Don’t buy a car. Live in a shitty apartment and take the bus to work even though you’ve probably accumulated a fortune from all the work you do for GotSeven. That makes perfect sense.”

You ignored Jackson, walking past him and getting into the passenger-side seat of his fancy sports car. He would never understand. Jackson was an excellent hit man and he could kill a guy with his bare hands in less than two seconds, but he was addicted to the life. He lived for the money, for the thrill and for the luxury. Sometimes you wished you could loosen up like him, enjoy everything that you got by virtue of working for GotSeven and accept the fact that you could live a comfortable life now.

“Why aren’t you at your club tonight?” you wondered, as Jackson started the car. “It’s Saturday.”

“I left Bambam in charge. His girlfriend’s doing a shift there tonight so he was going to be there anyway,” Jackson replied as he pulled out of the parking and sped away from the headquarters. When Jackson wasn’t taking out guys for GotSeven, he ran a shady strip club downtown. It wasn’t a bad place really, although it was definitely illegal and substituted as a meeting place for a lot of shady deals. When you combined sexy naked girls and alcohol, almost any man could be convinced to part with his money.

“Hmm. Bambam’s really hitting it on with that girl they saved from the trafficking ring, huh?”

Jackson glanced at you. You looked tired, there was something exhausted about your tone and he wanted to know what was wrong. But he also knew that you would never tell him what was on your mind. He made a turn and then blinked at you.

“Do you have anything else going on tonight? We could drop by the club and get a couple of drinks. You look stressed recently, Jaebum must have you working full-time after we struck all those deals with the Russians, eh? Those guys are stinking rich and the loaded us with dirty money. Come on, one drink?”

You frowned at him. “I’ve said it once and I’ll say it as many times as you need me to; I am never stepping foot in that abomination of a place. Leave me out of it.”

Jackson blinked at you. “What’s your problem with my strip club?”

You refused to answer him, just turning your head to look out of the window. Your head was throbbing. It had been a long day staring at the computer screen, tracking down some payments that you’d made to private bank accounts in Europe and accounting for the transactions of one of your shell companies in Barbados. You didn’t have the energy to respond to Jackson. Sometimes you felt like being around him just drained the energy out of you because you had to go to so much effort to resist his advances.

“Okay. You don’t need to get a drink,” he reassured you, his tone softening. “Can you maybe come and take a look at my accounts sometime? I had a couple of tax collectors come in the other day and they’ve been sniffing around. You know me. I do all my transactions in cash, I don’t pay any money to the stinking government and they’re catching on. I got a notice from the Income Tax Department the other day.”

You turned to him, your eyes lidded. No wonder Jackson was on the tax authorities’ radar. Some of those fuckers were regulars at his club and Jackson’s sole method of tax evasion was sweet-talking his way out of his dues. You didn’t want any part in it. “I work for GotSeven. I made it explicitly clear to Jaebum when I first started working there that I wasn’t going to handle your private businesses. Get an accountant to do your strip club’s taxes. Jackson. I find it hard to believe that you can’t afford to hire one.”

His voice became quiet. “I trust you more, though.”

“I’m exhausted, I don’t have the time for shit like this!”

Jackson suddenly stopped the car, pulling over at the side of the road. You blinked at him in surprise and were shocked when you saw his eyes looking at you intently. His gaze pierced through you and you didn’t know how to react when he reached out and placed his hand over yours. “What’s going on with you?” he asked gently. “Look, I know you don’t really like me and it’s always been that way for some reason, but… you seem stressed. Is something going on? Did anything happen?”

You bit your lip and gently pulled your hand away from his. “Nothing happened-“

“Don’t lie to me.”

“Nothing happened, okay? And even if it did, what’s the point in telling you? The only way guys like you know how to solve problems is to shoot a guy dead and then get a beer and a naked girl to celebrate. I don’t need any of those things. So do me a favor and just drive so I can get home, I have an early shift at the convenience store and we need to drop-off the cash with DaySix.”

Jackson was quiet for a long moment and then he nodded, re-starting the car. He drove silently the entire way to your apartment building, his knuckles white on the steering wheel as he finally pulled to a stop. You breathed a sigh of relief when you saw the entrance to your building and moved to take off your seatbelt. But Jackson’s hand closed over yours gently, stopping you from removing it.

“I don’t celebrate with naked girls from the club. I haven’t touched another girl in a long time. You… you know how I feel about you,” Jackson said softly. He swallowed and then squeezed your hand. “You’re not an idiot. I don’t have to tell you how important you are to me.”

You closed your eyes and sighed. You hated this. You preferred Jackson’s shameless, unabashed flirting to the gentle, heartfelt confessions he sometimes made when the two of you were alone. You could joke the former away and snap at him, but you never knew how to respond to the latter. You turned to him with pleading eyes. “Don’t do this again, Jackson. We’ve been through this, ever since I first started working here. It’s been years. Can’t you let it go?”

“I can’t let it go,” he mumbled.

“You need to learn. You and me, it’s never… it’s never happening. I’m sorry.”

Jackson groaned and ran his hand over his face. “I know that. You tell me that every single time, but I don’t understand why. There’s something between us. I know you’re attracted to me. I see how you always check whether the blood on my clothes is mine after I return from a hit. You were the first person to panic when I got shot last year. And when there was a stick-up at the convenience store during your night shift and some fucktard tried to rob you, you called me. Not Jaebum, not Mark, not even the police, you called me and you stayed at my house that night because you were scared. We shared one of the most amazing nights of my life. You can’t keep pushing me away and pretending that you don’t have feelings for me.”

“Watch me,” you mumbled.

Jackson’s eyes were pleading. “Why? Why won’t you give this a chance? Why can’t this happen?”

You took a deep breath and shook your head. “I don’t know,” you whispered.

“You’re lying again.”

Maybe I am. But you couldn’t handle the truth if you heard it, Jackson Wang.

--

A/N I had a day break in between my exams so I wrote this shit. I’m not sure how it is, I haven’t slept in a long time, haha, and I just wanted to post it. I’ll be around for the next 24 hours before I got back into hiatus because I have exams on Friday, Saturday and Sunday too. 

Hope you guys are doing great! 

[takaraphoenix]

And considering I now saw Into the Spider-Verse, let me also talk about that!

Nicolas Cage as Spider-Man Noir... was... a decision. It definitely was one and whoever made it probably thought it was genius, but... uh... I mean... *waves hand around vaguely*

It completely threw me off the movie every time he talked because I kept seeing Nic Cage’s face before my inner eye. I legit hate hearing celebrity voices in animated movies... And, like, most of the time it matters not to me considering the voice cast in German is different and most of those stars are not people whose German dub voice I’d recognize. Like, Chris Pine’s Peter Parker. Nope, zero amount of recognition there. Nic Cage however, getting his regular voice artist to do him here too... it threw me off every time Noir opened his mouth.

And while I like Noir and I get that him, Spider-Man and Peni Parker made for the most visually interesting take in this crossover... Eh.

It was the Miles-Peter-Gwen movie. All else were literally just extras and I... I genuinely believe the movie would have benefitted by reducing it to only those three too. After all, it’s INTO the Spider-Verse. An introduction. Three different alternate realities would have sufficed for an introduction, the others just made it feel overcrowded a lot and they also had nothing real to do. When Peni’s robot died, I was supposed to feel something, considering how much time they spent on that moment, but I didn’t because I don’t care about either the robot or this random girl I have never even heard about.

And considering it was not just the introduction into the Spider-Verse, it was also very vitally so the introduction of Miles Morales, his first real time to shine beyond the comics and the Spider-Man cartoons, a bit trimming of the Spider-Hedges would have really been good there, in my opinion.

I really hate Gwen’s hair. It was so pretty before the stupid hair-cut, damn it.

I also love Gwen though. And the Gwen-Miles dynamic. Bummed out that they already confirmed that of course will it be a romance between The Male Lead and The Female Lead. Like. Come on. Her thing was that she doesn’t make friends and now Miles became her first friend... but worry not since she is A Girl and he is A Boy, they of course have to get a romance going. *groans*

Seriously. Straight people can be friends with the opposite sex without forced romance! It’s a thing! Hollywood should try it some time!!!

Peter was... I mean... Honestly, they coulda just killed his MJ off, it would have been better than this high-level metaphorical bullshit “I didn’t want kids but she did! So we broke up and now I have two Spiderlings to train and suddenly I DO want kids!”. Seriously. The fact aside that it’s one of the most ridiculous bullshit things I can imagine, getting married to someone despite having entirely opposing life-goals... you talk about where to live and whether you want kids before you get fucking married?? Like? You do?? And that he’d change a stance he has had supposedly all of his life just because he spent a whole two days with two teenagers is insanely stupid.

I absolutely love Aunt May and that they went to her and not MJ, even though it makes little sense considering both Peters had already moved out and been married, like, you’d... you’d keep your Spider Cave conveniently close and not have to go to your aunt every time?? Especially since MJ knew about his secret identity?

Wilson Fisk was a brilliant villain in this! I loved his motivation through the movie. That he actually had a solid motivation and not something hand-wavey that comes apart. Like, he didn’t care if the city collapses, he just wants his family back? Good. Also this... twistedness of blaming Peter for the fact that they saw Wilson’s true nature and couldn’t handle it. Damn. Reminded me that Wilson Fisk really was the one thing I loved most about DareDevil...

Uncle Aaron. The villain. I knew that, like, I knew that Miles’ uncle was a villain. I was curious how it would play out in the movie. The fact that he was going to spare Miles was a huge relief, but... killing him off was a cheap cop-out and also too reminscent of Uncle Ben, especially since before dying he still had enough time to give a whole “You’re a good person, the best of us”-spiel. I would have preferred he survives and we actually deal with the consequences of a hero and a villain loving each other and how or if Aaron would have been willing to change his ways for his nephew.

There was definitely too little of Miles’ mom. I mean, I’m glad she’s alive and we didn’t get the usual “at least one parent dead”-thing and I hope we will see more of her and Miles’ dynamic in the next movie, but overall there was too little of her for my taste.

I absolute love Jefferson. I love-love-love Miles’ dad, he is awesome. He nails the tired dad trying to dad and to police officer. They had a great arch with each other and I am itching for the big reveal of Miles’ identity.

That being said: Somehow, I had different expectations for that. I’m not even sure where those expectations came from, but I was expecting Miles to drag homeless!Peter home and for them and Miles’ parents to figure shit out together and Spider-Gwen joins in. Like, that was what I expected of the movie when I went in.

And now to the actual star of the movie: Miles. I love him so much? I was so eager since hearing he was going to get his own movie! I loved him in Ultimate Spider-Man already and also in the new Spider-Man cartoon and each time, Miles gets a different dynamic with Peter, which is one of the most fascinating things about it. Now, right now I am very obsessed with the best friends who explore their spider-powers together, so I was curious to see this new dynamic to it. And, mainly, it’s like Iron Dad and Spider-Son next generation and I love it (also does that make Tony Miles’ Iron Gramps??). The slightly exasperated but fond mentor.

And Miles was so good. Not understanding everything at once, but continuously trying his best - always trying his best. Being an artsy little nerd. Being so embarrassed by his dad, but also still loving him.

His dynamic with Peter and Gwen and May was so good - his family-dynamics too though! Him with his uncle, his role-model, the one to support him when he was being a particularly misunderstood mopey teenager, but also his mom and dad.

What I’d love to see in the next though would really be some Miles and May interaction. She has a Spider Cave in her backyard, he is a fledgling spider with no idea how shit works. I want Aunt May to mentor him some. Please. I need this in my life??

And I need his parents to find out and his mom to have more screentime!

To sum it up: I absolutely loved the movie - yes, I did have some complaints, but that doesn’t mean I love it any less, nothing is ever perfect - and I am dying to see what Spiders the future holds and what the future holds for Miles!

The only serious complaint I’d have would be the intro. There was... There was no need to make it 100% flashy quick lights? Have? Have they ever heard of seizures triggered by intensely flashy shit like that? And it’s really not like they needed it. It really surprised me and was already uncomfortable on my eyes, I don’t even wanna know just how many people with an actual medical issue walked into this movie unknowingly and had a seizure in the first two minutes. They should have really either put a warning up before the movie started, or just... not... do the unnecessary quick flashy light intro?

[minaminokyoko]

Venom: A Spoilertastic Review (that is mostly just a rant)

When the end credits to the Venom movie started, just as Eminem began his embarrassingly uninspired rapping, I turned my head to one of my two friends and asked her, "What the hell did I just put into my eyeballs?"

To be frank, Venom is one of the most peculiar, bizarre, baffling films I've seen in years.

I want to preface this review by saying I was against this idea when it was announced. I thought it was beyond idiotic to make a film about a supervillain whose entire creation hinges on a certain Webhead, and since Sony lent him out to Marvel Studios (the only smart fucking decision they've made in probably over a decade, imo), they went off half-cocked with the hair-brained idea that they could create an anti-hero solo flick for Venom instead. To some degree, sure, they were warranted because the general audience these days has low fucking standards and if you put the words "comic book movie" in front of them, they're usually going to lap it up no matter how terrible it is. After all, fandom doesn't care about things being accurate anymore, by this point, if you dangle fresh meat like Tom Hardy riding a motorcycle in front of them. As long as there's an attractive person at the helm, fandom will just adopt it as canon and ignore any red flags, as they have already done. That being said, I still think this is one of the most blatantly stupid things done for money and for notoriety from any studio toting around a popular comic book character.

Is Venom as bad as legendary awful comic book movies like Catwoman, The Spirit, Batman & Robin, Daredevil, Green Lantern, or Spawn?

Well, no.

And that's almost the only positive thing I can report about it, personally. 

In short, Venom is inept. That's the word I'd choose, aside from bizarre. It has no fucking clue what it's doing at any given time, from start to finish. It's too wacky to be serious, too serious to be a parody or satire, too mature for kids, too childish for adults, too mainstream for nerds, and too nerdy for mainstream. It's just a piping hot fucking mess.

So let's dive into why. Spoiler alert.

Overall Rating: D

Pros:

-Note: I am being very fucking generous by giving this movie points for anything at all, just so y'all know.

-It's not boring. Other comic book movies that have failed, whether it's the really bad kind or just the mediocre kind, have failed worse than this movie simply because at least there aren't any dead periods. Venom doesn't have awful pacing, even with its sloppy, uneven story. It moves along at a steady rate and you can never accuse it of being a borefest like Superman Returns or something. Even though most of it is incomprehensible from a story standpoint, it keeps your attention throughout.

-The doctor boyfriend surprisingly averted the usual stereotype/archetype for this kind of story. For example, in the first Ant Man, the cop boyfriend who is with Scott's baby mama is a smug, overprotective dickhead who later gets better. Most of the time when a main couple breaks up, the girl picks some douchebag who is either so much better than her former lover that it just feels insulting or it's just a one-dimensional asshole for us to hate so we want the two of them to get back together. Hell, doctor boyfriend was actually TOO nice and understanding and helpful. There is no way in hell I'd have stuck it out after seeing Eddie bite the head off a goddamn lobster. I'd have sent his ass to a mental hospital immediately, fuck the regular hospital. That being said, I like the movie averting the trope. It was a welcome change and was awfully refreshing too.

-Even though this is one of his strangest fucking performances to date, Tom Hardy is doing what he always does and gives 110% to a film that really doesn't even deserve him. I've already been hearing rumors that he's not pleased with the final product and that doesn't surprise me, but he does what he can with that awful script and I appreciate the effort. In fact, the only reason I sat through this turd is for Tom Hardy. He is a dedicated, talented actor and even when he's in tripe, he's still busting his beautiful ass to make the best of it anyway. I like him a lot and I'd go to bat for him any day, which is the only reason I coughed up the money for Venom when I knew damn well it'd be a trainwreck.

-The effects are at least decent. Not always. But Venom and the symbiotes actually feel as if they're really there and it's not just the actors staring at a ball on a stick. I appreciate it, since Sony goes in and out of quality regarding CGI.

-Despite the fucking travesty of a fake clown wig on his head, Woody Harrelson is an excellent choice for Cletus Kasady. Everyone knows that. I just hope they get him a better hairpiece next time, sheesh.

Cons:

-Jesus fucking Christ, where do I fucking start?

-Plotholes. This movie doesn't have plotholes--it has plot canyons. It's plothole Inception, for God's sake, with holes inside of fucking holes. It's so clear that the movie doesn't give a rat's ass about anything because there are some of the most ridiculous moments you're expected to swallow with the power of Willing Suspension of Disbelief. It's why it took me a whole two days to try and write a review/analysis of the film. There is so much wrong with it that I frankly wasn't sure where to start and how to process it all. The best I can try to do considering the overwhelming number of holes in the story is go chronologically. First off, Eddie stealing Blondie's confidential documents (Note: Michelle Williams' character was so bland and unimportant I can't remember her name and I don't care to look it up because we all know she doesn't matter, so she is now Blondie) but then not doing his actual job as a journalist when making wild accusations is the first monumentally dumb thing in the film. Why the hell did he go through the trouble of breaching her personal security and trust if all he was going to do was rant about it to the Bad Guy without proof? What did he think it would accomplish? Why would you just confront the guy instead of looking for more proof? Plus, you stole that information, which means it's inadmissable in court since it was obtained illegally, so you still wouldn't have a case anyhow. Any writer with half a brain cell would simply have it so that Eddie read the document, became curious, and started snooping around Life Foundation himself looking for hard evidence that would stand up in court to get justice for the victims. The way they did it in the film makes no sense, but it's because they wanted to bust up the couple and make Eddie a "loser" to kickstart the rest of the film. Then, the girl who tattled on the Life Foundation 100% did not need Eddie Brock to do that. She had full access to the lab and the trust of her superior. All she had to do was document everything herself, send it to Eddie to pass along to his boss, and then skip town with her fucking kids to avoid being murdered. Hell, she could have given it to the authorities anonymously. Third, why after everything went tits up in the lab did she fucking return to the lab as if they wouldn't immediately know it was her? She was seen outside the lab seconds before Eddie set off the alarms and her palm print is recorded having opened the door to the lab. Why the fuck did she go back after she let Eddie in there with no way to cover her tracks? And then she actually told on herself and Eddie, which led to her death. I can't comprehend that level of stupidity at all. It's staggering. Because I'm trying not to turn this into a seven-page single spaced review, I'm just going to stop here and not try to point out all the other plotholes in detail, like the fact that the cops only get involved one time and are never seen again despite the fact that they'd be all over the explosions and missing people associated with the Life Foundation or Eddie's phone working perfectly after he swam under the fucking bridge or Eddie leaving his phone for his boss instead of just sending him the goddamn pictures or the symbiote magically knowing where Eddie was after they took him from the hospital. We'll be here all day if I keep going. I'll just reblog CinemaSins' eventual video of this movie and feel satisfied that way.

-The movie makes zero attempts at explaining anything about the symbiotes except for "they're vulnerable to fire and sound frequencies, need a host to survive, and eat brains." What is even stranger about the lack of explanation is that this isn't a long film. They could have easily added about ten minutes into the story to give us an overview of where they came from, what their world was like, how they found human contact, and why they were on that comet. All we can do is infer things, which pisses me off because this is YOUR story and YOUR new continuity that you just fucking made up on the fly, so I don't know the rules here and it's shitty of you to just gloss over it all. Why is it called Venom? Is that a translation from whatever the hell the symbiote was called on its own planet? Did it hear that somewhere and decide it liked the word? Why? Why does it get touchy if you call it a parasite when that is literally what it is? Is it like Ratigan from The Great Mouse Detective and it's just in denial? We have to guess that it knows whatever Eddie knows, but why does it have any conceptual knowledge of romance and relationships when it attempts to get Eddie to apologize to Blondie or when it says it "likes" her? Or that Eddie "changed its mind" at the end? And how can a symbiote even be a loser? That concept is almost universally human and it's a giant sentient piece of fucking tar? How can it possibly be a loser on its own planet? There is just no damn context for majority of the shit surrounding the symbiotes in the movie and it's all the more frustrating since we spend a great deal of time in the lab with them during the movie and yet we learn almost nothing.

-Eddie and the symbiote don't actually form a proper bond or partnership. This is one of the things that's irritating me about people who seem to have taken to the movie. I was told multiple times by people that the movie is stupid, but the repartee between Eddie and Venom is enjoyable. Not really, no. Are there quips? Yes, there are quips. But quips do not inherently create a bond. Anyone can bounce dialogue off each other. If said dialogue does not change the characters, then it's just lip service. Sadly, though, a lot of people don't notice that absolutely nothing between Eddie and Venom lines up. Venom helps Eddie survive the attacks, but is killing him in the process. It's self-interest alone. The truly confounding part is when they get Venom off of Eddie and find out Venom has basically been consuming Eddie's organs to stay alive inside him, Eddie acts betrayed and storms off, but then when Venom returns wearing Blondie as his guise, he just accepts it and they go off to the badly filmed climax. What the hell changed in between those scenes? Nothing. Eddie still runs the risk of dying being piloted by the symbiote, and while Eddie has motivation to stop Bad Guy (again, another character that is so thin I can't be bothered to learn his name) from bringing the symbiotes to earth, Venom is given zero reason to want that at all. As mentioned above, there's no backstory. Is Venom concerned his race will consume the earth? If so, who cares? There's seven billion people and Venom has already found Eddie, who is a suitable match for him to survive, so why does he care at all? Eddie would survive an invasion anyhow. It makes no damn sense. Films that have dealt with symbiotic relationships always establish a common ground at some point but Venom doesn't for some inexplicable reason. I'm incredibly frustrated that everyone's just going "tee hee, look, they're best friends now, it's cute" when in fact Eddie is just running around committing murder randomly without ever really contemplating how serious it is, even though he claims to only be eating bad people.

-Nitpick: Fridging two different female characters, the homeless lady and the Life Foundation tattletale, rubbed me entirely the wrong way. Both of them were in Eddie's vicinity, both die, and both are never brought up again or shown to have impacted Eddie's motivation or life. They are simply used and discarded, which is another thing that makes this movie feel so hollow.

-The tone is all over the fucking place. It can be argued that Venom never went full serious and is always sort of tongue-in-cheek, but there's just this ridiculous whiplash feeling when you watch it spike from an action scene to "wacky" Brock antics to Venom quips. Eddie's personality even before the symbiote is just confusing as hell. It's like stuffing a bunch of random character traits into one man and all of them are fighting to get out at once like the characters from Split. The most consistent thing is he's sarcastic, but even then his moods range far too widely to get a bead on him. He can be dry one minute and then frantic and excitable the next, and that's before the symbiote. After the symbiote, it's like they gave Tom Hardy cocaine and steroids. The man's acting is simply all over the damn place. He accepts near-impossible things sometimes with a shrug and other times he freaks out. The movie just doesn't know what the hell it's attempting to accomplish, and that's why mood and tone are important to set from the get-go with a film. It just slingshots between a faux-horror film and a snippy action flick over and over again until your head feels pulverized.

-The final action sequences is one of the dumbest, messiest things since Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. It's an ugly, dark, jumbled up mess. It's so indistinguishable that Godzilla (2014) can take potshots at it. Why in perfect blue hell did they choose two symbiotes with such similar appearances to showdown with each other on top of a rocket at night? It's so hard to see what the two of them are doing, who is winning or losing, or what kind of movement is happening at all. We also are never given the full range of their abilities, so the only real stake is when they pull off their hosts and their bodies are vulnerable, but even then it appears that Venom can raise Eddie from the dead seconds later anyhow. I'm stunned the movie couldn't even do a fake out death properly, which is so fucking easy that even Disney can do it. Eddie dies and is revived in less than fifteen goddamn seconds. The camera doesn't even linger on his body to sell the emotion (not that we'd ever have one, he is just barely a character anyway) before it just takes it right the hell back. That's filmmaking 101, for God's sake, and the movie blows it too.

-The last scene in the movie. In its entirety. I haven't been that exasperated since I stupidly forced myself to watch Pacific Rim: Uprising. There are so many things wrong with it that it's hard to know how to tackle it. I don't care that Eddie stopped that guy from extorting the shop owner--he openly turned into a 10 foot tall alien and ate a guy in front of her, and the movie just laughs and shrugs like it's just totally fine, like that woman isn't about to lose her shit, call the cops, or fuck, the NSA/FBI/CIA/Avengers on Eddie for making her a witness to murder, and endangering pretty much anyone around them. To say nothing of the fact that there is no reason a 10 foot tall alien with a million sharp teeth needs to say a single word to threaten someone. You are the threat, buddy. Your existence is the threat. Why did you need to insist on threatening to bite things off? You're terrifying and nothing you say is going to somehow make you scarier, especially when you just ate the guy anyway. It's like they just made that scene for the final trailer, much like that "I thought she was with you" comment all the way back in Batman v. Superman despite in-canon it made no sense. It's so unnecessary. And don't get me started on the fact that the crook actually asked the giant alien who it is. Fuck you. That was a lazy, transparent attempt to spoonfeed the wretched cliche that Michael Keaton's Batman made famous. (Consequently, all movies ever, please stop doing this cliche. Stop it. Just find another way to announce yourself. It's really tired, y'all, let it go already.) No human would ever look at that thing and ask it who the fuck it is. He'd piss himself and die of fright. Period. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. Piss. Die. Period.

-Nitpick: Why was there that weird Godzilla (2014) trailer noise every time Venom attacked someone? Did they just steal it from public domain? They used it almost like the Inception horn cliche that Hollywood was obsessed with for a while and it took me right out of the scene every damn time.

-Nitpick: They really thought we're so stupid that we needed Kasady to actually say his character's name out loud. Look, you fuckers, you know goddamn well that end credits scenes are extras and that people can go home and Google things instead of you literally spelling it out for us. Hell, you know that not that many Average Joes and mainstream people went to this movie anyway since Venom is a second-stringer villain and your main demographic is die-hard Eddie Brock fans anyway. So having Kasady say the damn name “Carnage” in the post credits scene really was the final fart in my general direction. Give us some fucking credit, man. Venom has barely five plotlines to his whole character anyway. Of course we knew you were going to drop Carnage for the Sequel Hook, you condescending twat of a film.

Look, I get it. I'm hypercritical because I write fiction for a living. There are plenty of movies where turning your brain off is required in order to enjoy it, but I think this movie is asking me to get an entire lobotomy to be able to swallow the big-ass pill it's offering. It's just so sloppy and uncaring and yet it's holding its grubby little hands out for your money and your love and I think it's undeserving of it on every last level. It has zero comprehension of what it's trying to accomplish since it's a money grab, and its artistic choices are nothing short of bonkers. It's so strange that it even veers outside of the So Bad It's Good category for me. I can't in good confidence recommend it to anyone even though it's almost like a study in what not to do in both comic book movies and movies in general. It's weird in a distasteful way rather than in a charming way for me, honestly. I know people have rallied around it for being different and out there, but I don't think different and good are the same thing in Venom's case.

[cybermoonmoon]

"...My Life of Crime"

First of all I should say that I had forgotten these events for the entirety of my adult life. It's memory as so much else was triggered by a dream. "Once Upon a Time..."I was breaking, and entering. Well not "breaking", but most certainly entering. Back in the old days getting into a house was as easy as opening a window,...which I did. 

When I was a little boy I used to "enter" other peoples homes. As with all crime this was motivated by want. I "wanted" to know how other people lived what their stuff looked like what weird things they were doing. Also if they had candy. I wasn't poor...well not 'very' poor.  

Anyway I didn't get a lot of treats. 

So these were part of the temptation. One house I explored turned out to be a Fort Knox of the stuff!  However I didn't take any. In fact I never took anything on these adventures. That wasn't the point .I was on the prowl for more 'serious' game. I was an "Other", and I was searching for other Others. 

Mind you I could never have explained any of this to my folks or the cops. I didn't yet have the intellectual bullshit, and double talk for that. To the adventure. I chose my homes almost randomly. Hey I was a ten year old kid not a for real cat burglar. The treasure I sought was intangible. The only vague  precaution was making sure the houses were empty. This was the early 1960's so most everyone had some kind of job. So the whole neighborhood was fair game. 

Block after block of doll houses to explore. I left the homes of friends alone. The houses of strangers was where the real adventure was. The unfamiliar the mysterious. Places of different light touch, and smells. Every structure a new world discovered. 

Oh the moral obliviousness of the very young or as J.M. Barrie put's it at the end of "Peter Pan". "When Margaret grows up she will have a daughter, who is to be Peter's mother in turn; and thus it will go on, so long as children are gay and innocent and heartless." Yep that was me alright. You too so cut me some slack in this story. 

In these secret adventures I saw myself as  one of the wandering explorers of old. Peary at the North Pole or Amundsen in the Antarctic. Oh dreams dreams, and fantasies. To the Heart of the Matter. Family albums. After a time my hunts focused on these. The photos told me in quick detail what I needed to know about who lived in whatever house I was "visiting". The who what, but sadly never the why of these lives I was searching through. 

The albums I found were generally stored in the same place in house after house. The bedroom closet or close by. So there I would sit on a stranger's bed studying their histories looking for my tribe. Again I couldn't begin to explain to anyone what or why I was doing this. It was an instinctual exploration for un-namable things that I needed. That I was in desperate "want" of. 

The pictures. I was surprised at how similar they all were. Grandma auntie babies somebody in the Army the beach, and birthday parties. These albums were all just like mine. However on occasion there was a surprise. One time I unknowingly entered the house of a nudist family. I started through their album. 

"...!!!!!!"

Good bleeping grief! I literally at that point in my life had Never seen the like! There they all was...auntie mom, and dad, and all the kids Nekkid as hell! These folks was "Other" alright, but not the Other I was looking for,...I think.

Close calls.

Yeah there were a few of these. One time I was quietly moving through this kitchen. Kitchen windows of that era, my usual port entry, might as well have had "Welcome" mats in front of them. 

Anyway I'm doing my rounds when I see an old lady sleeping on the couch in the living room. To kids old folks look dead when they're asleep. Which is what I thought she was,...till she moved. I back stepped to the window I came through. 

In another I'm on my way to the bedroom to peek through their family album when I hear the front door open.  I'm fucked. I'm going to "Juvie" Hall. I'm going to the Chair. I'm going to a firing Squad. I'm going to be forced at gun point to eat my greens for the rest of my life. My heart is pounding through my Mighty Mouse t-shirt. My lunch is coming out'a my nose, and I wanna wet myself.

Damn! 

Some lady, and her kid just came home, and is headed for the kitchen with it's open window which I just came through. This is rapidly turning into a nightmare version of "Mayberry RFD". One where Deputy Barney Fife in Klan robes kicks the living crap out of a junior negro perp in the holding cell. Hey I was ten, but I knew the real world score.

Looking back my only hope was that the lady was a Liberal Sociology Professor who would understand my quest, and ask Deputy Fife not to kill me. More likely she was married to a corrupt Teamster with a drinking, and violence problem. My odds didn't look good. My heart pounding lunch coming, and ex-Pepsi running down my legs. 

I quickly hid behind an old 1930's screen room divider. They was all the rage once...Google them. Well,...they walked right past me.  ????!!! 

Oh the perceived safety of the home. No one expects danger or ten year old boys hiding behind old furniture. They went to the kitchen, and I went to the front door left, and ran for my life. To this day that boy must be telling his grand kids about the time he, and their great grandma surprised a deranged killer in their house. Of such are family legends born. 

After this earth shattering event I laid low for a time. However being a kid, and stupid though full of grace, and innocence. I went out again. 

Several times in fact. I think I "visited" 10 or 12 homes during my life of somewhat disturbed, but sincere explorations. In all these visitations I never found my other "Others". I would have recognized them. I didn't know precisely what I was looking for, but I would have known them when I found them. I don't know what I would have done if I had though. I hadn't thought that far ahead. 

...ask to be adopted? 

Well these outings ended on an interesting note. I did one more visit. This time it was in the Oort Cloud of my neighborhood. You know that the part of your 'hood that borders the unknown regions. The place if you were there alone you'd be lost.

This one was different. It was a very old frame house. Before this it was all regular Brooklyn  Brown Stones like my own home. This one was perhaps a surviving farm house. The borough was partly farms till the turn of the 20th century. No kitchen window this time. I entered through the back door which was unlocked. It was like stepping into a sepia print. The light was dim amber. Peeling wall paper. Pictures on the wall of people dressed as folks did long long ago. Dust, years of it covering dark furniture. There was no one home. No one had been home maybe since before I was born. 

The house wasn't abandoned not in the 21st century sense. It was owned...one could tell, but not lived in. It was also cold in that place. I had a chilled tingly feeling standing in there. Much as I, and a friend from school had when we stumbled on an old grave yard in Prospect Park. 

When Fredrick Olmsted graded, and arraigned the Park he left certain historical sites intact. A certain Colonial graveyard being one of them. I knew nothing about it. Most still don't, but we stumbled into it. Stumbled in, and got the same feeling I had in that old house, "...Leave".  Today I'd say it was spirits. That or what some researchers now think are impressions left on physical objects by persons during extreme emotional events. They say this explains what traditionally are thought to be ghosts. ...maybe. 

Anyway the Spirits were saying "Don't Disturb". I didn't. I left. So ended my short life of Crime. I never did find a family of Anarchist Beatnik Weirdos to adopt me. However several years later....'But that's another story for another time. 

The End,...mostly. 

*(As with all of my personal stories they're guaranteed to be more or less kinda true. In this case I did indeed "visit" peoples homes when I was ten years old. The events described did happen,...mostly. I changed a few details to makes things run smoother, and be somewhat funnier. Even though I wet myself a few times.  Otherwise this is what happened. Think of this as a Docudrama.)

Maybe I'll pitch my very odd life story as a series to HBO.

Stay tuned.

[ohyesilovetoread]

Idolism by Marcus Herzig

(heads up for some racism and underage relationships)

I was pretty interested going into this book, because I just finished another one of Herzig’s books, The Proxima Strain, and I found it really fun and entertaining, and the summary for Idolism had me interested, too. however, as I started to read it, it quickly became boring

the concept of it is interesting: a band consisting of 4 teenage friends suddenly skyrockets to international fame after a video of the lead singer roasting some government official goes viral, and they struggle to deal with that. also the pope has just died and a new one needs to be picked. you’d think that last part would be important, but it’s really not

the characters of the story are:

Julian, the quiet yet headstrong, eccentric lead singer of the band. he’s been the “weird” kid all his life, shy and loves to educate himself on every possible topic. despite his quietness, he loves to talk about his opinions and debate with people. his friends describe him as autistic sometimes, but he’s not officially diagnosed with it. he’s really into religion, not that he’s religious, but he likes to debate it and is obsessed with rituals. he loves to watch religious stuff and likes to stop watch the guards change at the palace.

Michael, who has been Julian’s best friends since they were little kids, is the band’s drummer. he’s a genius with computers, and even though he’s just 17, he has created some sort of AI named MINDY that can do whatever the plot requires, can track anyone in the world by somehow using computers and not being traceable. despite this, he mainly uses it to keep tabs on Julian

Ginger, real name Emma but everyone calls her Ginger because, in a shocking turn, she has red hair, plays keyboard. there’s... not really much to say about her really. she’s just a normal teenage girl who doesn’t really affect the plot much. her dad’s a lawyer

then there’s Tummy, who plays bass. his name is really Thomas, but he’s fat, so everyone calls him Tummy. he is... terminally straight and terminally annoying. he hooks up with a Japanese tv host named Momoko, even though he’s 17 and she’s 22. his plot mostly revolves around that and the fact he was raised Catholic provides some insight on the religious stuff.

other side characters:

Momoko, whose show rocketed them to fame and follows them around. she speaks with an accent and broken english, and literally says “herro” a few times.

Robert Murdock, a southern tv show preacher who became the head of a multimedia empire that affects certain parts of the plot. gets elected to be the new pope. most definitely a Trump expy

Edward Pickle, the PR guy who is responsible for pulling the strings behidn Murdock and getting him to where he is today

the book switches between Tummy, Ginger, and MIchael’s perspectives every chapter, with a few chapters from Edward’s perspective here and there. it seems like a cool gimmick, but it doesn’t really affect much. seeing it all from everyone else’s eyes but Julian’s does help him come across more mysterious and mystical, which I liked, though. Tummy’s chapters are very British with him saying “me” in place of “I” and the like.

the story starts out at this special concert where Julian is preparing to give a big speech. he’s been missing/presumed dead, so it’ll be his first public appearance in a while. he’s dressed in all white and it’s a very on the nose Christ resurrection thing. it makes you all wonder what’s going on, how did they get to this point, Michael sends a cryptic “I failed” message to Ginger, it’s very good at raising a lot of questions.

but then it goes back to the start and all the answers to it all end up dissatisfying. it spends a LOT of time introducing us to these characters and building them up. it starts off with Tummy noticing his dad at school at night, which is odd. his dad works for some British government guy, and he sees him overseeing them haul in huge boxes from Murdock’s media company. anyway, the band shows up, Michael tells Tummy to put an SD card in dad’s laptop so he can hack, Tummy does so, and they find some documents that the government wants to force more religion into schools.

at some big school anniversary concert, their band performs, and they’re actually pretty good, so the govt guy and this media producer alumni, Peter Tholen (who is being followed by Momoko for some tv thing), come on stage to talk to them. then Julian lambasts the govt guy for the religion plan with a great rant. Momoko films this, it hits the internet, suddenly they’re famous, Peter signs them. shablam

then it goes onto this kind of pointless thing where they perform in Germany and Julian sings the former East Germany socialist anthem instead of the current one because he liked it better, it creates a controversy, so they go back to apologize, only to end up singing the same anthem with Germans singing along. idk, it’s mostly to set up that Julian follows his own drum and loves to preach or w/e

since they’re making lots of money at this point, the band’s like “lol let’s go to Rome and do a flash mob.” so that’s what they do. they get stopped by some cops, only to find out the new pope has been elected! and it’s not a cardinal? it’s Robert Murdock of the media empire, wtf??

(see, Murdock’s been setting up fancy schools in impoverished locations and bringing cardinals there to bribe them, that’s how he got it lol)

so anyway, of course Julian’s like “we HAVE to record our music video at the announcement of the new pope.” so they do. however, instead of lip syncing, Julian gets too ~caught up in the moment~ and starts singing loudly enough to attract attention, leading to their arrest. they spend the night in jail, then Peter comes and forcibly takes them to America because they’ve been making such a mess in Europe.

once they reach America, Michael and Ginger give the typical “you’ve changed, man” speech to Julian after noticing his attention-seeking ways. Tummy wants to stay and have fun, but he ends up going straight back to Europe with the other two while Julian stays in America doing a press tour for a few weeks. then the book gets boring again as it mostly describes the others doing nothing but watching Julian give interviews and people on talk shows discussing him.

one fun moment is Julian’s appearance on the Bill O’Reilly show where he lambasts him for a whole chapter, and it’s pretty clear this is just the author venting his own issues with O’Reilly, which, I suppose, is valid. and then it ends with Bill threatening Julian and going all crazy, getting his show cancelled and him sent to a mental institution, which... lmao

AND THEN, once back in Europe, the bus that Julian and Peter were on crashes and explodes. they were not among the dead or survives, so they’re presumed missing. Michael is all sad, but then he uses his deus ex AI to find out they’re in Rome with the pope. turns out the pope is a fan of Julian for whatever. they use this to record the pope saying some fucked up shit.

then it goes back to the benefit concert thing, they air the footage of the pope, and Julian gives his grand speech, and it’s exactly the typical “religion can be good for people, but it can also be Bad. we as a society should be nice to each other. makes you think, no?” speech you’d expect. applause. Michael’s “I failed” text at the start was simply referring to his plan to get the concert broadcast all over the world via Murdock’s company. Edward finds him out though, magically, and sends Michael away, promising not to reveal his god AI, but airs the broadcast everywhere anyway because he’s like “my god what have I done” wrt Murdock

in a touching moment afterwards, and probably my favorite part of the book, Michael finds Julian and they reconcile after their falling out, and Michael agrees to go on a 3 week vacation with Julian to a private island. in the epilogue, Momoko has Tummy’s child after being arrested and found guilty for having sex with a minor, but only serves 3 weeks. Tummy becomes a house husband. Michael and Ginger go back to school. Julian’s giving speeches and shit, the end.

all in all... it was just kind of boring. I think it would have been a lot better if it cut Tummy and Ginger’s chapters and focused mostly on Michael watching his weird, formerly quiet friend rocket to fame. it was very clear that Michael had serious feelings for Julian and hated sharing his special guy with the world, and I would have loved if the book had done more with that.

plus I think it would have been a lot more interesting had Herzig done more to mirror Julian’s rise to fame with Murdock’s. it certainly TRIED to do that, but it fell flat in that regard. he clearly wanted to do something about how religion and fame are tied these days, but it just felt kind of impotent. like its lofty goals were held back by the fact it’s just a YA book.

Tummy’s chapters were just gross and annoying. I really don’t want to read about this 17 year old being kinkily punished by a 22 year old woman, thank you. the kink part barely comes up but even the small passing mentions are like... this is so unnecessary

Momoko and her broken English also really bothered me, and it’s an ugly pattern I’ve noticed in nearly all of Herzig’s books. at least one character speaks in a bad accent, and if it was just a one time thing, I’d side eye and move on, but it keeps happening and I’m like... bro how come no one has told you to stop that yet

also he really likes overly describing science stuff, like the tech behind MINDY, and it just gets real boring after a while

[teddywancurlobi]

pretty little liars [02.02]

previously on pretty little liars:

mona: boob milk.

me:

the haunted greenhouse.

yeah, but ian isn’t a zombie. he’s just a lifeless corpse.

call the cops? i’d call the fbi.... for more than one reason

jason happens to be tired of that shit. same tbh.

oh, i don’t know hanna. he lives there or at least did.

shit. i wish i had pot. oh wait.

she won’t really have to pack. you’re gonna leave and she’ll be in ‘A’ hell. a serious game of cat and mouse.

i wouldn’t have left my laptop in a house that will have almost constant visitors so they can see if they want to lease the house for a year. you never know who is coming in and out.

melissa relaxing? what a sight that would be if she ever actually relaxed. someone needs to stop winding her up.

can y’all be any less subtle? oh yeah. right. y’all are as subtle as a crossing guard wearing their brightly colored highlighter vest.

me @ myself for the stupid joke i just made: what? i thought it was funny.

aroo: a teenage girl that thinks she knows what she wants, but is completely oblivious to it. smack her, please.

fucking stop. their relationship is so fucked.

big A? no, she’s not. how i wish they would have made her character more interesting.

mona, so cute. she deserved so much better. bless her.

you know him better? she sure does and they both need a hose and the police.

y’all never go along with anything anyway. it’s surprising, not surprising that all of you aren’t in prison or dead.

poor mona. i know what happens, but still.

cheesy as fuck.

emily is acting like she’s moving away for ever. bitch, it’ll only be for a year. calm the fuck down.

melissa: the og secret keeper

tom marin is saying shit, but he has no room to speak. his opinion means fuck all and irrelevant as hell.

rosewood pd wouldn’t be able to find a stolen pen much less who is breaking and entering and stealing shit.

too bad A didn’t text emily while pam had her phone. would be too convenient to have one of the parents find out and put this shit to an actual end.

what did you bury jason? my sanity?

also, foreshadowing to pepe digging up jessica. i mean, what?

you are a big pain in the ass... so is this show.

alison and the gang? the powerpuff girls? no.

flashbacks like this is one of the reasons why i wish alison never came back from the dead. she should have died. i would have preferred to know how she was murdered and a real “legitimate” reason why her life was ended.

your secrets were never safe with alison.

rosewood: the shit stain in satan’s underwear. it’s no wonder no one can ever really escape from rosewood.

i don’t give a fuck about ezero and aroo. they literally have so much screen time that it isn’t funny. wish they could have gotten some screen time with the police whilst ezero is getting arrested and going to prison. that would have been amazing

no, i won’t wait for you. deuces. that is what aroo really should have said, but i can’t get anything nice.

ezero is not a boy. he is a grown ass man. should’ve sent you running.

hanna, i would. it is significant. therapy will help with that.

and he fucking skated right into a new family. such a trick ass.

tom is such trash. there was only one decent father in rosewood and that was wayne fields. we all know how that turned out.

good on you, aroo. fucking leave.

samara studied anatomy, biology, and chemistry all at once with her ‘maya’.

vandermarin reunion.

i’ll sit with you mona.... netflix and chill.

everything has monsters. you just have to look closer.

aroo: screams and gets knocked down

me:

i didn’t expect to become involved with one of my students. i know i’m a grown ass adult, but i’m really a teenage boy at heart. was i the only that heard this? and actually saw the police take him into custody? well, wishful thinking.

yo.... ezero never cleaned that desk. that’s nasty bruh.

gross. i want to die. there was no staff there still.. no one there to witness this atrocity. bullshit.

all of your lives is a lie. no surprise y’all like to lie so much.

[somedaypast-thesunset]

so he calls me and asks whats wrong. and i feel like this is trapping me because i cant express anything but by not expressing it it creates a cycle. i told him i didnt want to go to the park tomorrow. to me, i expected like an oh well whatever and i’d watch some videos and go to sleep.

but now he was starting into his shit again. and hes telling me its not okay im not referred to a psychologist and that the doctor is not enough. but its like.. he does not understand clinical depression. like he doesnt understand how far depression can affect every single thing in your life and to explain this is an excuse. like why didnt you do xx today, why did it take this long to do this, why do you nap so much etc. and its like.. im tired. im really tired of being alive. and you should be fucing grateful that im sitting here today talkng to you because everyday is a choice to be alive. i AM choosing to be here DESPITE everything that says i shouldnt. despite everything that makes it super hard. 

but its all an excuse. its all “defeatist”. but its like.. i dont sit here and tell you word for word what ive spoken about or what has been said to me. the first few visits were in the understanding that i was clearly really really fucked up. like i believe the doctor believed that i was very close to commiting suicide but i was functioning at a level that i didnt need to be tipped over. like he had a real chance of helping someone in need and he jumped at the opportunity. and the trust had to be built - he asked me questions about my life and the history and we had to dicuss in depth my mother whom i have not spoken about in 7 years. 

and like part of my problem is beating myself up. like .. wow i was such a shitty kid, i was a terrible daughter to my mother - i must have been the things she said i was and that must have contributed to the eath of my father so it must be my fault. do i “believe’ this? like reallyyyy believe it? no. cuz im not dumb. these people lived their own crazy lives. but this was my life for 25 years. TWENTY. FIVE. not like oh i had a break and was a drug addict for 7 yrs. no. all twenty five years, every damn day of my life was dedicated to these people. every. single day. my own mother tried to have the cops do something for me 4 months before she died because she knew that the relationship i had with my father was detrimental on like a next level. 

but how do you turn away from a sick person? how do you do that? he said i should feel pride. i should feel like i had strength and look at it as positive. which is fine - it’s fine. but dont you see? dont you see i put in TEN YEARS of UNPAID WORK to have a man DIE? do you know what i got from the responsiblity to other people? to be on another persons schedule? to live another persons rules?

nothing. absolutely nothing. and ive seen “grown men” decide to stop working for months at a time because a job let them go for a reason they didnt agree with. like they got “fucked”. but i really got fucked. and yu now what thanks i got?

people like him telling me i didnt do anythhing but watch tv and smoke weed. youre right. i did. in between making meals and cleaning up blood and shit, i smoked weed and watched tv. that was my only fucking solace because i could not go away for longer than a night without serious concern for my father. but i smoked weed. and i watched tv. so that means i didnt “work hard”.

but the thing is - no one my age has been a full time caregiver. no one. not a single person can tell me what its like to be a caregiver or how i should feel or what the ‘right amount’ of work is. in reality - if you believe i smoked weed and watched movies and he was always “going to die anyways” then how much “work” did i do in the decade he wasnt dead? how did i manage an entire decade with a man hell bent on killing himself? tell me how i didnt “work”.

and im not into this argument anymore. i will not allow a single person on this earth to speak on my time with my father. not a single person knows ANYTHING about this time except me and my father and hes dead. and i cannot speak solely on it. thats just my word. so i will never argue about it. believe what the fuck you want because if you dont believe me theres not a damn thing that can be done to change your mind and i dont have to care becaue i know what i did i know the time i spent with him. 

but he continued telling me he thinks i should be working and i should be trying harder. i am frustrated - how do i explain the massive concept of trauma and severe depression? do you not understand that “everyones” reaction is part of the problem and stigma of depression? this is why people are suffering in silence - well he goes to work but hes a sever alcoholic. he wants to die everyday but damnit he still goes to work. 

and its like none of this at all in any capacity makes me feel different about the world aroun me. why do you want to die? why are you still working and wanting to die? whats the point? because youre ~not dead yet~? awsome. that really gets me going. that sparked the flame right back up inside of me. i cant believe i never thought of that - might as well do it because i’m not dead yet. 

and you think its procrastination. that its inherent laziness. do you not think im procrastinating on suicide then? perhaps im just waiting it out? maybe im waiting for the final nail in the coffin; my last reason. either give me a reason to live or give me a reason to die but you know im in purgatory right now. 

and thats part of the problem - i’m asking for a reason when i should make a reason. i create my own reason. and i know that. i have worked very very hrd to solidify the concept in my brain that i have to make my own reason - no one will provide a reason and more so its not okay to have someone provide it. because someone could die or leave and then what? you make your own. i made the mistake of putting my reason into a dieing man. and i waited far too long to pull back. even when i wanted to nothing was ever as important, nothing ever fulfilled my life and soul like knowing i was responsible for this person. i had a purpose to be here. 

he continued. continued. continued. i finally broke down, “im sorry - you called  me. i was sitting here a little sad about to wath fucking gta videos and go to sleep and probably wake up in a different mood. now youve called me and made me so upset that im now in a panic attack and sobbing and contemplating my self worth. how does this help me?”

“this is just my opinion. im allowed to express my opinion when youre life affects me.” 

and he continued but continually tried to reiterate that he wasnt attacking me or my methods. it sounded more like frustration and inability to understand. like he was unwilling to accept that as a depressed person i struggled on my own to find a trust worthy doctor after having issues with doctors my whole life. then i allowed this person to help me but it wasnt like.. in the movies. this is not like fairytale romantic manic depressive pixie dream girl. like u loved me so hard i got this help and magically became amazing in 30 days and forgot all my troubles. 

this is serious trauma. this is serious trauma that now that we are getting even older has become even more detrimental because i did not even realize how traumatic it was until i learned to be “apart of society”. by “being apart of society” it triggered dozens of things in past trauma that i did not even understand as being traumatized and thus had serious depression and anxiety about issues unrelated to people just being dead. its not like oh my parents are dead and im sooo sad. no. i have a very complex grief that spanned decades and to even expect me to remember what happened to lead me to the conclusions i have now immediately and just convey this to a professional and have them give me a once over and this is how to fix it is soooo naive. 

this will be a very long process that involves more than doctors visits. he acknowledged i needed daily assistance to overcome my issues and that my own isolation for so long has prolonger and increased social issues that im not getting around on my own. he told me i needed to “grow up”. i told him i agreed. i said it was very frustrating to be me and know that this was fucked up and still be doing it because i didnt have the tools beyond myself to figure out how to “grow up”. like this is all trial and error for me. no one held my hand and protected me and patted my ass when i came home strung out and fucked up. no one sat me down and told me to put a smile on. i was not in any way shape or form parented by anyone. i have never had a parent. i have been completely independent and have thought indepndently for as long as i can remember. i have always dealt with my issues on my own and have had to care for someone for ten years starting as a teenager. in those ten years i never failed to pay a bill or do something i was supposed to do. 

okay. so this is just me. and i would love to have a parent. i would love to have someone who knows more than me around. someone who gives a shit. but i dont. so its just me. and whatever i think is right which has been convoluted by a dieing man and mentally ill woman. thats my foundation. so im sorry if im not a fucing university graduate building a 401k driving a car with my own house. im sorry. u know im sorry im not even a fucing fast food mcdonalds employee highschool graduate with 10$ in a savings account and money on a bus card. 

but bitch. i’m still here. i’m mad as hell and i’m still fucking here. thats literally the greatest accomplishment for me on a daily basis. its my biggest accomplishment and greatest anxiety. im still here. 

i told him again - all of this was making it worse. the real issue i had was having no one to talk to at all. no one wanted to listen to me. everyone wants to tell me what to do or how i should think or some negative opinion because theyre envious that i get ‘free money’. 

and the doctor had to convince me to get disability. i told him the people around me felt i could work. he said he did not believe in any way i was capable of holding a job right now and listed a number of reasons why he believed i couldnt, most having to due with symptoms of sever depression. in a switch side, if i listed these reasons i would be told theyre merely excuses by other people and that “they were tired too”. which is why he had to reiterate a number of times to fuck what other people thought. no one has to live my life but me. in reality its disgusting that people continually look down on or disrespect me outright for collecting benefits while they pity me for having issues. it’s hypocritical and bullshit. 

finally he said that he wanted to see me do better and wanted to encourage me to find ways to cope with these times of serious depression. i told him that i do have ways to cope - but this is real life and its not always successful. but yet, i have been successful - i’ve not self harmed this year. not because it was “a fad” but because i actively choose not to do that to cope. this is a choice i make during every anxiety attack. this is a sign of strength i have this year i did not last year. so perhaps i spent four hours crying but i did not cut myself or attempt suicide so all i did was spend four hours crying. just so i could be alive right now. so who cares that i spent four hours crying lets be grateful im here now. who cares that it took five days to mail a letter - i mailed the letter. thats what matters. you dont even know that ive been given disability forms twice before that were NEVEr MAILED. fuck they werent even FILLED OUT. so not only did i get these forms, i had them filled out and then i MAILED tHEM. 100% BY MYSELF. my momy didnt help me. i didnt get any fucing drives to the doctor. nothing of this process was made easy in any fucking way. and i did it. so does it matter that ti took five days? absolutely not. even if it took five days, in 60 days do you think itll matter if im accepted? when i have those benefits, do you think itll matter i took 5 days to mail the thing? fuck no. because i mailed it and got the benefits

. 

LET ME CRY. LET ME BE SAD. acknowledge i exist with this sadness!! do you not understand the pain of being ignored when you’re suffering!! i told him that i try to be a good listener for him - i let him speak about whatever he wants, whenver he wants in which ever way he wants to speak about it at the time; if he feels very angry and upset at something and expresses that, i dont later hold him to it and say “well u were angry about this before now ur not how come”. i said i never express my opinion because im a listener just listening so i acknowledge him and if i think hes doing something that is harmful to him i say something like “i dunno if thats a good idea” or “i wouldnt personally do that” or “thats gross” (usually used in context with an elaborate idea involving sex or drugs). 

he paused and said that was true and i did do that. i told him i just wanted someone to listen to me. all i really needed to be “helped” was for someone to listen without any preconceived notions or opinions they wanted to put on me. just accept the words im saying and perhaps if possible express some empathy of some kind because they understood the sentence i put out in the world and maybe they can say something like “i bet this thing happening to you would cause this feeling.” to demonstrate that they understand the connection between an event and the reaction to the event and that i am not an insane weak dumb person for having an emotion. no one does this for me. no one. including him. and i believe at this moment he understood, finally, that no one does this for me. including him. tht i am a good listener, that i do not bring him down and allow him to be his own person until i think something is harmful and then i try to express to him my serious concern about his thoughts but not tell him hes a bad person for those thoughts. hes not lazy or stupid or evil. i tell him based on personal knowledge and experience why i think its harmful and rarely is it based just on a personal opinion. like i dont say dont do drugs cuz its bad. i say dont inject drugs, dont take drugs on a regular basis - all very valid safety concerns in the use of drugs. it is not “dont do drugs”. because i know that for something to matter to someone long term you have to create your own purpose. he cant not do drugs for me or any other person. he hs to not do drugs for himself. but i can encourage better use of drugs. 

finally he apologized - an apology that has been maybe a year in the making. he said he realizes now that being aggressive and negative about things is not helping anything and that he should be encouraging about positive things in order to promote me actually recovering. he said he was “man enough” to admit that he was wrong and that this is something he should work on to better support me because he believed i was making an effort. 

but it was a very good example of something that was small that couldve been handled differently that became a massive overwhelming issue. his bottom line was that i should see a psychologist. i told him i would tell my doctor that the person closest to me in my life is saying they believe i need more/additional help than whats being provided because they want to know the person im seeing to get help is specialized in helping people like me. thats totally fine request to make. im not going to argue that the doctor is “enough”. i dont know. maybe hes right. maybe i need to talk to even more people. but to tell me this on top of “blah balh you get welfare you smoke you nap all day etc.” is horrendous and backwards. should i see a psychologist to tell them what an asshole you are and that you probably cause alot of grief in my life? 

like how my doctor thinks of you right now? 

he couldve just said hey you know i can see youre trying but i want to suggest maybe asking your doctor to refer you to a psychologist again because i think itll be helpful for both of us.

like he wanted to help and was roadblocked by the fact that i had no coping mechanisms for him to bank on. so he was coming in blind and frustrated that he is not even normally capable of being a good “shoulder to cry on” and now he had no instructions but he still had a very sad girl to worry about. and this doctor didnt “give me” any coping mechanisms so what good is this doctor if he cant “fix” the issue he has to deal with now. 

but there is no coping mechanism. theres no like “turn on this song and ill be okay”. theres a variety of things i can try to do, not all of them will work, but one will. one will bsolutely because if one does not, ill be dead. one is always going to work even if the one is time. just waiting it out and battlign it in some meditative state. but one will work. 

like he disregarded alot of reasons for what i do as like some general thing i just “like”. like some random thing in my head that makes me like it. and im obsessed with watching specific gamers on youtube. i do not play video games. like i have almost no interest in video games. i dont care who the fuck wins. i dont care about the mechanics of a game. i will watch the most boring ass games like a shitty flash game or a fucing terrible job simulator that is just the most complicated system of buttons and bullshit to move a fucing tractor and i would never even remotely consider even trying to play the game let alone download it or install it.

but here i am. hours a day. watching games i will never play by men i will never meet. and i trid to explain this -  its “sad” to you that im going to go watch these things. but to me its like.. a graduated version of something that can be simplified with penny lane’s quote, “if you ever get lonely you just go to the record store and say hi to your friends”. like ive always held the idea that music and sound is a constant familiar. so i have specific sounds - much like people have specfic smells or tastes. as a kid my fathers keys jingled in his pockeet and i could hear this jingle from anywhere in the store. like my ears trained to it because i feared getting lost but if i could hear it i knew i was okay. a bit older i grabbed on to all my favourite bands but what i found was after years of doing things, familiarity felt like visitng a grave. like nothing changed. it was so familiar it was stale, it was a nostalgic memory i was visitng and not being embraced by a warm hug. many of my favourite bands broke up and stopped releasing new music. 

i told him that the sound of these mens voices was calming. like i had alot of isolation and listening to music or whatever didnt seem real. but here are these real life people who have their own things they do and that happen to them and everyday they pop up and talk about nothing. NOTHING> they come and be like “hey so today we’re going to build a room” or “so today we’re going to race this virtual car” and nothing in the game matters and like people get “mad” but no one is mad. because nothing in the game matters. you die, you come back. 

and like the attitude of these people helps. like “damn im in last place today BUT ILL GET YOU” because nothing in the game matters. or maybe you feel invested in some grand feat theyre trying and they dont get it and theyre like ah shit well gotta keep trying.  so ive focused on specific gamers who rarely are offensive or loud or otherwise unwatchable. 

but he brushed it off a bit, “yeah, yeah, its someone with a comforting voice” but the tone of his voice hinted at jealousy; like why wasnt it him? why couldnt he just play a video game and make commentary and ill feel better? why does it have to be these guys?

and maybe because i dont know them? they will (potentially) never do me wrong. maybe one day they’ll stop recording. theres a small chance theyll say something super offensive or racist. but i mean theyre never going to personally attack me. theyre never going to point me out and say this girl is fucked. i can be their friend without being their friend. i get to be apart of inside jokes and funny conversations but never actually apart of it. i get to feel like i’m not alone while being terribly alone. and i dont think im necessarily choosing this above other things to cope - i think it’s what i’m “making due with”. i found something and it takes such little effort. 

im honestly at a point where i am waiting. my current perspective on life is that people are absolute fucking pieces of shit who have little regard for anyone but themselves or their own kind. however there are 7 billion people on the planet and it would be “racist” so say “all humans” are pieces of shit. so like.. a lare majority of humans are pieces of shit and there are a few who are actually good souls but when you have 7 billion ppl and like 100,000 are good - who the fuck cares? thats like a drop in the bucket. to act in the world as though you are encountering those 100,000 ppl on a daily basis is a set up for failure and thus how it creates the cycle of 7 billion pieces of shit because “self preservation”. 

from what i have honestly seen of the world - fuck the world. hands down 100% i have absolutely no desire what so ever to participate in society. i have experienced some terrible shit and i have seen and heard some even worse terrible shit and the positive DOES NOT outweigh the negative at all in anyway. the only reason people care about me in any way right now is because i am considered a “burden” to them by having issues. i dont want my issues. i hope i recover and become a mentally sound and healthy individual. because i do not in any way want to be involved with people on a whole. like if i can afford to live alone and buy my own food and not struggle as i have been - i’m done. i’m sorry. i’m waiting to leave society. i realized how disgusting people are and have lowered myself to using them when i can for like the very basic theyre willing to do (despite what i put out i never get remotely the same in return) and when i am capable of supporting myself i honest to god dont thin ill do half or more of the things i do now “for people”. thats the thing - i’m now waiting to isolate myself further because the experience ive had says there is nothing there for me. if i want to live, ill be living alone, secluded and isolated. 

because honestly? im not fucing with a single person who did not fuck with me during this time. fuck. you. you let me struggle and suffer alone and youre soooooo happy im on benefits now? no. youre not. youre more than likely going behind my back and talking shit about it anyways but you think im “cool” or “talented” so you’d like to be associated with me. but you dont want any of the “drama” or “baggage” so youre not even really a fucing friend. 

the only thing keeping me going right now is the idea that maybe before the end of the year, i wont have to do _this_ anymore. ill get my own place, have my own food, live my own life and i fucking deserve it no matter how much the pieces of shit cry about it and how they dont get it because i dont “get” half the shit they do in their lives and never have. the pieces of shit will always be pieces of shit and they will never stand to see someone have something they dont. 

i learned about myself that i like to cook. i like buying ingrediens for food and trying new recipes and i can do that alone. i can just eat nice food on my own. i like to play guitar but i like to play for myself not to share music. i dont get anythng from sharing. its a totally personal experience just for me. and not having the space to be alone to play guitar is depressing. i like animals. i want to learn to travel by myself. i have literally never gone anywhere by myself. LITERLLY. LIT.ER.ALLY. i have never gotten on a bus to another city and been in that city by myself. just like.. existed in the city by myself. NEVER. but i cannot learn this if i cannot travel and i cannot travel without some sort of purpose behind it. i want to go back to making art for me not because im the artist who makes art. i saw a movie by myself for the first time ever last week. 

it took 10 yrs to have experiences that 18 yr olds do. im not “living like a teenager”. its that i NEVER LIVED AS A TEENAGER to be able to become an adult. and now that i am an adult i cannot make teenage mistakes. 

and thus we give the highest of praise to the singular best accomplishment of my whole life:

not pregnant. do not have kids. not a drug addict. not an alcoholic. 

do you understand at all the HIGHEST OF CHANCES i had to have children? i was a naive girl with no parental supervision, no outlet for myself, super emotional & depressed. 

then he tells me, “you know, learn from your parents”.

bitch i did. my mother was 25 years old when she met my old ass father and MARRIED HIM ONE WEEK AFTER. did i do this? she did this KNOWING he had little to no feeling of love for her. this bitch had been abandoned and fucked with by her family sooo much she was like the only way out is with this guy and she grabbed on to him and NEVER FUCKING LEFT.

so bitch.

i did.

im 27 yrs old. youre 26 yrs old. i live on my own. you live at home. ive never been pregnant. ive never been married. yep - my mother and i did not “work”. that is a serious flaw we shared. she also never acknowledge the SERIOUS MENTAL ILLNESS SHE HAD WHICH LITERALLY ALMOST KILLED ME NOT LIKE FIGURATIVELY BUT LITERALLY ALMOST KILLED ME AND I DID NOT EVEN HAVE THE WHEREIWTHAL TO KNOW IT HWAS HAPPENING 

so i did. i did learn from my parents. my father told me people are fucking terrible and they are. i learned. in fact i did not. i did not learn. i lived in a naivety that people are good. and people want to hear me sy people are good because god forbid they be considered shit but lbr.. you’re probably terrible. i’m pretty terrible. i am totally in limbo where i have like 6 months to a yr before this becomes “my fault”. 

so youre right. i am waiting. im waiting to see what independence looks like and whether or not i’d fuck with people like this. and like all i can say is im glad it took 12 months to realize that you catch more flies with honey than vinegar. i did thank him. might as well put my own shit into practice - it doesn matter it took 12 months bcause he is admitting it now. and it makes me feel a bit better but at the same time i feel like an obvious statement is if you had known this even 6 months ago, how much better off might i be now? if the closest person to me in life was a positive rather than a negative, how much better would i be now? take some fucing responsibility for the fct that not only do i have to fight myself, but i have to fight through the negativity people like him put on me and decide despite what they aid to stay alive. not like feel a desire to want to because they reminded me of all the good things. i have to fight and be angry and create alot of bitterness towards them and live in spite. thats not fair. and life might be “unfair” and i “choose” to stay aroun someone who has consistently made things sooo bad but my god take 1 second to see it from my side. imagine if i had 6 months of positive reinforcement from the closest person in my life and a professional. i wouldnt have had the second hospital visit. i’d really be in a much better place than i am right now and its SUPER unfair to hold it against me that he cause damaged i had to fix before i could even focus on my actual issues. he held me bac and i allowed him to hold me back and prolong this process. im not even going to blame him like an excuse. i allowed him to hold me back. maybe i allowed it so i would have an excuse. if he tells me all the negative things i think about myself then its like reiterating that what i think is right. it deepens the depression. 

but honestly having someone in his position - where he was very much becoming a second coming of my terrible parents, suddenly apologize and admit they were wrong is actually okay. that actually helps my life a bit. for a long time i wanted this from my mother. 

[defunctblogtobedeleted]

1/14/17, 5:41am - can’t sleep

too much stuff on my mind. and a bit of a headache. I know I said I’d quit this thing, but I can’t. but as far as I’m concerned, if I’m going to cop out of that I’m at least going to swear off the kiss-and-tell braggadocio though. And tone down the negative vibe. 

This aboutta be some feelgood shit up in here. 

I mean not everything’s going great. To be totally honest I still have literally no idea how this financial situation is going to work out. But I’m sure it will.

But my friends have been so good to me. I love them all so much.

Need to start with the excellent gourmet kingdom dinner that I went out to with the smash fam on wednesday. Lucas, Corey, Dylan, Patricio, Clem, Jwilli, Spencer all treated me. Fuck I hope I’m not forgetting someone lmao. I know I’m forgetting like one or two mofukkas. I wasn’t going to go ofc, but since I wasn’t going to go because money was tight they offered to pay for my meal and I reluctantly accepted.  [as much as i’d do it for anyone, I still feel a little bothered accepting these kinds of gifts from my friends. I don’t really feel like I can’t take care of myself or something, I just feel like I... shouldn’t. Because if I can’t plan on coming out of my own financial problems how can I plan on paying them back and how can I accept a gift in the first place then?]

Thursday I got to team with Ian, and it was some of the most fun I’ve ever had playing in tournament. We DOMINATED the winners bracket of that tournament. only lost one game and had some of the filthiest combos I’ve ever seen in my life. Just got cold waiting for grands and didn’t play as well. Was so much fun though, really made me happy to have poured so much time into practicing. Just gotta keep doing better.

After the tournament a whole ton of people came over to my place to play for the night. Can’t even get into it but it was great. in all I played from 4pm until 6am and only stopped because I got a splitting headache and felt like I was going to die finally hahahah... Probably should have gotten some dinner or somethnig lmao.

I was supposed to try to play with Kevin today, but instead I spent the day with Weilin. Him and a few people had crashed at my place, so we went on a mini road trip to take Decker back to greensboro. We spent a little time trying to get his phone fixed, spent some time trying to find me new pants, ate some delicious gyros and had a long car talk about hentai and the pursuit of happiness and financial goals and life and melee and everything, man. So glad that happened. 

We met up with Arun, Arvind, Irene, and Broscious to eat at Bali Hai and do an escape room out at durham. Got a huge ass plate of meat thanks to weilin covering for me, and had a great time solving the 90′s themed puzzles with the gang. We tore it up, too. Only got stumped by a cd in a book and a madonna song hahaha. Those guys are all some smart motherfuckers, I’ll tell ya whattt. And while we waited for this safe to unlock me and Broscious got to slam down some Pogs and mostly just slap them around on a table hahahahaha. I was supposed to go to a party tonight that my old pokemon go team was throwing to celebrate Kelly turning level 40, but there was no way I was gonna pull myself away from those guys for anything. We spent a couple hours playing board games and talking/gossipping/catching up and getting cookout. Excited as fuck to do it again tomorrow.

But the real reason I’m writing this post is because Irene wanted us to do this neat little thing that was admittedly a little lame but amazingly feelgood and really made me happy. I think she called it a compliment circle, where we all had to think of at least a compliment for each other, and we took turns doing whatever the opposite of a roast is. I really don’t want to forget any of the things that they said, because it’s not often that people go out of their way to give you honest totally-for-nothing compliments, yknow? They’re not verbatim because my short term memory sucks, but I’ll do my best here.

“You’re the best.” “you have a beautiful smile and jaw structure and face and eyes and you’re just a great looking dude and if I were a chick I’d date you and if you were a chick I’d date you, and if we both were chicks I’d date you.” “it seems like you always have a lot of things messing with your life, but despite that you’re always a great person to be around. you never seem to let things get to you and you always have a smile on your face and you’re never a downer.” “you do a lot of things for your friends and the melee community and just people in general. you never really seem to expect anything in return and I don’t think that gets brought up much.” “You make me push myself to be better.” “I like your nose” (weird. broscious, you don’t read my blog, do you??) “you’ve got a really warm personality and do a really great job of including everyone when you try to talk to them and like in the puzzle room.” “You’re always there for me, even at times when nobody else was.”

goddamn, man. I don’t even care if it’s narcissistic to put those down here. I have to put them Somewhere. Literally shed a tear writing them down, I feel so good about all that shit. It really couldn’t have come at a better time with everything hitting the fan and all of my self image issues recently. Maybe they knew that. 

What I didn’t think to tell them then was that it’s friends like them and everyone I hung out this week and everyone in my life that cares about me still that make my life so happy in the first place. It’s like... when I finally get to be in a room with people I know and can enjoy their company it’s like all the bullshit that exists outside just isn’t important anymore. Relaxing by talking and playing games is so fucking wonderful.

Speaking of my issues again, might as well follow up on new years goals and self improvement stuff.

Feeling much better about my teeth. Got my cavities filled (I had fucking TEN), got my teeth cleaned for the first time in years, I’ve finally got this image out of my head that my crowned tooth looks dead. Forreal, idk if it was the cleaning, or just talking to the dentist about whether they think it matches and then thinking about it, or what the deal is, but I Swear ever since I decided it wasn’t worth having my crown replaced again it’s looked better. Matches color better and more consistently, doesn’t look off balanced, I just look good. I really want to blame it on the cleaning but maybe it really was just a mental thing... Idk. I’m just happy my teeth are finally healthy, holy shit thinking about my mouth too hard the past couple years has been horrifying. Right now my gums hurt because I flossed for the first time in forever. Might be why I can’t sleep, but starting good habits.

Don’t know what’s up with my weight, haven’t been keeping track of that yet.

Have been doing Great about drinking water. Have only drank soda on a few occasions at all, back to living on powdered lemonade like I said I would. Probably should still be drinking more, but off to a great start. Still haven’t been on reddit since the new year (though I don’t think I wrote this resolution down), but still passively start to type it in the search bar sometimes. Shit’s difficult. Progress on my septum is put on hold for now, family doctor is waiting to refer me until I have a followup visit with them about my lab work. Supposedly I had “small red blood cells” so like either dehydration or anemia. Probably both lolll. Hopefully not something more serious, but who knows. Been taking a multivitamin daily. Been spending less money lmaoooo.  Haven’t been cooking for myself the past few days but DID start doing that finally. Just gotta keep it up.  Still no good on exercise. Still haven’t bought a pack of cigarettes. Smoking a lot of that pipe tobacco, but it definitely doesn’t make me feel cravings like cigs do. Pretty great there.  Started goofing around on tinder again just to get that out of the way. Got a few matches, but I’ve been sandbagging this game really hard lol. e.g. I’ve been a lottt more picky about who I swipe, way too detailed about how nerdy I am in my profile, and not playing with it all that much tbh. I.e. doing all the things that are probably healthier dating habits but are def not anything close to how you need to play tinder to be successful from what I’ve ever experienced. That being said I’ve already partially rediscovered my hatred for it and think it’s a waste of time, but whatever. Not entirely motivated to meet new people right now anyway, so even if I’m not exactly happy to be swiping through a couple dozen people without matching I’m definitely not let down either. It just doesn’t feel like the right time for me, and also I totally wouldn’t have money for dates now that I think about it lmaoo. Last thing I’m gonna mention is that I haven’t been fucking with my fingers nearly as much. Just lost my week-or-so streak I was on, fidgeting in the car today, but def doing a lot better.

Everything’s doing a lot better. I’m still totally fucked, but I feel pretty great and I’m doing pretty great and everything’s going to be even more great soon enough.

#pogchamp [6:52am. never gonna sleep oh god rip hahaha]

[cybermoonmoon]

“...Crimes”

*This is a long story...an interesting one from my life. Pack a lunch if you're reading it.

“My Life of Crime” First of all I should say that I had forgotten these events for the entirety of my adult life. It’s memory as so much else was triggered by a dream.

"Once Upon a Time…” I was breaking, and entering. Well not “breaking”, but most certainly entering. Back in the old days getting into a house was as easy as opening a window,…which I did.

When I was a little boy I used to “enter” other peoples homes. As with all crime this was motivated by want. I “wanted” to know how other people lived what their stuff looked like what weird things they were doing. Also if they had candy.

I wasn’t poor,...well not ‘very’ poor.   Anyway I didn’t get a lot of treats. So sweets were part of the temptation. One house I explored turned out to be a Fort Knox of the stuff!  However I didn’t take any. In fact I never took anything on these adventures. That wasn’t the point.

I was on the prowl for more 'serious’ game.

I was an “Other”, and I was searching for other Others. Mind you I could never have explained any of this to my folks or the cops. I didn’t yet have the intellectual bullshit, and double talk for that.

To the adventure.

I chose my homes almost randomly. Hey I was a ten year old kid not a for real cat burglar. The treasure I sought was intangible. The only vague  precaution was making sure the houses were empty.

This was the early 1960’s so most everyone had some kind of job. So the whole neighborhood was fair game. Block after block of doll houses to explore.

I left the homes of friends alone. The houses of strangers was where the real adventure was. The unfamiliar the mysterious. Places of different light touch, and smells. Every structure a new world discovered.

Oh the moral obliviousness of the very young or as J.M. Barrie put’s it at the end of “Peter Pan”. "When Margaret grows up she will have a daughter, who is to be Peter’s mother in turn; and thus it will go on, so long as children are gay and innocent and heartless.“

Yep that was me alright. You too so cut me some slack in this story. In these secret adventures I saw myself as  one of the wandering explorers of old. Peary at the North Pole or Amundsen in the Antarctic. Oh dreams dreams, and fantasies.

To the Heart of the Matter.

Family albums. After a time my hunts focused on these. The photos told me in quick detail what I needed to know about who lived in whatever house I was "visiting”. The who what, but sadly never the why of these lives I was searching through.

The albums I found were generally stored in the same place in house after house. The bedroom closet or close by. So there I would sit on a stranger’s bed studying their histories looking for my tribe.

Again I couldn’t begin to explain to anyone what or why I was doing this. It was an instinctual exploration for un-namable things that I needed. That I was in desperate “want” of.

The pictures. I was surprised at how similar they all were. Grandma auntie babies somebody in the Army the beach, and birthday parties.

These albums were all just like mine.

However on occasion there 'was’ a surprise. One time I unknowingly entered the house of a nudist family. I started through their album, and, “…!!!!!!”

Good bleeping grief! I literally at that point in my life had Never! seen the like! There they all was,…auntie mom, and dad, and all the kids Nekkid as hell!! These folks was “Other” alright, but not the Other I was looking for,…I think.

Close calls.

Yeah there were a few of these. One time I was quietly moving through this kitchen. Kitchen windows of that era, my usual port entry, might as well have had “Welcome” mats in front of them.

Anyway I’m doing my rounds when I see an old lady sleeping on the couch in the living room. To kids old folks look dead when they’re asleep. Which is what I thought she was,…till she moved.

I back stepped to the window I came through.

In another I’m on my way to the bedroom to peek through their family album when I hear the front door open.   I’m fucked. I’m going to “Juvie” Hall. I’m going to the Chair. I’m going to a firing Squad.

My heart is pounding through my Mighty Mouse t-shirt. My lunch is coming out'a my nose, and I wanna wet myself.

Some lady, and her kid just came home, and is headed for the kitchen with it’s open window which I just came through.

Looking back my only hope was that the lady was a Liberal Sociology Professor who would understand my quest, and ask the Cops not to kill me.

More likely she was married to a corrupt Teamster with a drinking, and violence problem. My odds didn’t look good.

I quickly hid behind an old 1930’s screen room divider. They was all the rage once…Google them. Well,…they walked right past me.  

????!!!

Oh the perceived safety of the home. No one expects danger or ten year old boys hiding behind old furniture. They went to the kitchen, and I went to the front door left, and ran for my life.

To this day that boy must be telling his grand kids about the time he, and their great grandma surprised a deranged killer in the house.

Of such are family legends born.

After this earth shattering event I laid low for a time. However being a kid, and stupid though full of grace, and innocence.

I went out again.

Several times in fact. I think I “visited” 10 or 12 homes during my life of somewhat disturbed, but sincere explorations.

In all these visitations I never found my other “Others”. I would have recognized them. I didn’t know precisely what I was looking for, but I would have known them when I found them. I don’t know what I would have done if I had though.

I hadn’t thought that far ahead. …ask to be adopted?

Well these outings ended on an interesting note. I did one more visit just before my 11th birthday. This time it was in the Oort Cloud of my neighborhood. You know that the part of your 'hood that borders the unknown regions. The place if you were there alone you’d be lost.

This one was different. It was a very old frame house. Before this it was all regular Brooklyn  Brown Stones like my own home. This one was perhaps a surviving farm house. The borough was partly farms till the turn of the 20th century.

No kitchen window this time. I entered through the back door which was unlocked. It was like stepping into a sepia print. The light was dim, and amber. Peeling wall paper. Pictures on the wall of people dressed as folks did long long ago.

Dust, years of it covering dark furniture. There was no one home. No one had been home maybe since before I was born. The house wasn’t abandoned not in the 21st century sense.

It was owned…one could tell, but not lived in.

It was also cold in that place. I had a chilled tingly feeling standing in there. Much as I, and a friend from school had when we stumbled on an old grave yard in Prospect Park.

When Fredrick Olmsted, and his crew graded, and arraigned the Park he left certain historical sites intact. A Colonial graveyard being one of them. I knew nothing about it.

Most still don’t, but we stumbled into it. Stumbled in, and got the same feeling I had in that old house, “…Leave”.  Today I’d say it was spirits. That or what some researchers now think are impressions left on physical objects by persons during extreme emotional events.

They say this explains what traditionally are thought to be ghosts. ...maybe.

Anyway the Spirits were saying “Don’t Disturb”. I didn’t. I left. So ended my short life of Crime. No as I say I never did find a family of Anarchist Beatnik Weirdos to adopt me. However several years later….

'But that’s another story for another time.

The End,…mostly.

*(As with all of my personal stories they’re guaranteed to be more or less mostly true. In this case I did indeed “visit” peoples homes when I was ten years old. The events described did happen,…mostly. I changed a few details to makes things run smoother. Otherwise this is what happened. Think of this as a Docudrama.)

[cybermoonmoon]

"My Life of Crime"

First of all I should say that I had forgotten these events for the entirety of my adult life. It's memory as so much else was triggered by a dream.

"Once Upon a Time..."

I was breaking, and entering. Well not "breaking", but most certainly entering. Back in the old days getting into a house was as easy as opening a window,...which I did.

When I was a little boy I used to "enter" other peoples homes. As with all crime this was motivated by want. I "wanted" to know how other people lived what their stuff looked like what weird things they were doing.

Also if they had candy.

I wasn't poor..well not 'very' poor.  Anyway I didn't get a lot of treats. So sweets were part of the temptation. One house I explored turned out to be a Fort Knox of the stuff!  However I didn't take any. In fact I never took anything on these adventures. That wasn't the point.

I was on the prowl for more 'serious' game.

I was an "Other", and I was searching for other Others. Mind you I could never have explained any of this to my folks or the cops. I didn't yet have the intellectual bullshit, and double talk for that.

To the adventure.

I chose my homes almost randomly. Hey I was a ten year old kid not a for real cat burglar. The treasure I sought was intangible. The only vague  precaution was making sure the houses were empty.

This was the early 1960's so most everyone had some kind of job. So the whole neighborhood was fair game. Block after block of doll houses to explore.

I left the homes of friends alone. The houses of strangers was where the real adventure was. The unfamiliar the mysterious. Places of different light touch, and smells. Every structure a new world discovered.

Oh the moral obliviousness of the very young or as J.M. Barrie put's it at the end of "Peter Pan".

 "When Margaret grows up she will have a daughter, who is to be Peter's mother in turn; and thus it will go on, so long as children are gay and innocent and heartless."

Yep that was me alright. You too so cut me some slack in this story. In these secret adventures I saw myself as  one of the wandering explorers of old. Peary at the North Pole or Amundsen in the Antarctic. Oh dreams dreams, and fantasies.

To the Heart of the Matter.

Family albums. After a time my hunts focused on these. The photos told me in quick detail what I needed to know about who lived in whatever house I was "visiting". The who what, but sadly never the why of these lives I was searching through.

The albums I found were generally stored in the same place in house after house. The bedroom closet or close by. So there I would sit on a stranger's bed studying their histories looking for my tribe.

Again I couldn't begin to explain to anyone what or why I was doing this. It was an instinctual exploration for un-namable things that I needed. That I was in desperate "want" of.

The pictures. I was surprised at how similar they all were. Grandma auntie babies somebody in the Army the beach, and birthday parties.

These albums were all just like mine.

However on occasion there 'was' a surprise. One time I unknowingly entered the house of a nudist family. I started through their album, and, "...!!!!!!"

Good bleeping grief! I literally at that point in my life had Never! seen the like! There they all was...auntie mom, and dad, and all the kids Nekkid as hell!!

These folks was "Other" alright, but not the Other I was looking for,...I think.

Close calls.

Yeah there were a few of these. One time I was quietly moving through this kitchen. Kitchen windows of that era, my usual port entry, might as well have had "Welcome" mats in front of them.

Anyway I'm doing my rounds when I see an old lady sleeping on the couch in the living room. To kids old folks look dead when they're asleep. Which is what I thought she was,...till she moved.

I back stepped to the window I came through.

In another I'm on my way to the bedroom to peek through their family album when I hear the front door open.  

I'm fucked.

I'm going to "Juvie" Hall.

I'm going to the Chair.

I'm going to a firing Squad.

I'm going to be forced at gun point to eat my greens for the rest of my life.

My heart is pounding through my Mighty Mouse t-shirt. My lunch is coming out'a my nose, and I wanna wet myself.

Damn!

Some lady, and her kid just came home, and is headed for the kitchen with it's open window which I just came through.

This is rapidly turning into a nightmare version of "Mayberry RFD". One where Deputy Barney Fife in Klan robes kicks the living crap out of a junior negro perp in the holding cell.

Hey I was ten, but I knew the real world score.

Looking back my only hope was that the lady was a Liberal Sociology Professor who would understand my quest, and ask Deputy Fife not to kill me.

More likely she was married to a corrupt Teamster with a drinking, and violence problem.

My odds didn't look good.

My heart pounding lunch coming out'a my nose, and ex-Pepsi running down my legs.

I quickly hid behind an old 1930's screen room divider. They was all the rage once...Google them.

Well,...they walked right past me.  

????!!!

Oh the perceived safety of the home. No one expects danger or ten year old boys hiding behind old furniture. They went to the kitchen, and I went to the front door left, and ran for my life.

To this day that boy must be telling his grand kids about the time he, and their great grandma surprised a deranged killer in their house.

Of such are family legends born.

After this earth shattering event I laid low for a time. However being a kid, and stupid though full of grace, and innocence. I went out again. Several times in fact. I think I "visited" 10 or 12 homes during my life of somewhat disturbed, but sincere explorations.

In all these visitations I never found my other "Others".

I would have recognized them. I didn't know precisely what I was looking for, but I would have known them when I found them. I don't know what I would have done if I had though.

I hadn't thought that far ahead. ...ask to be adopted?

Well these outings ended on an interesting note. I did one more visit. This time it was in the Oort Cloud of my neighborhood. You know that the part of your 'hood that borders the unknown regions. The place if you were there alone you'd be lost.

So this one was different. It was a very old frame house. Before this it was all regular Brooklyn  Brown Stones like my own home. This one was perhaps a surviving farm house. The borough was partly farms till the turn of the 20th century.

No kitchen window this time. I entered through the back door which was unlocked. It was like stepping into a sepia print. The light was dim, and amber. Peeling wall paper. Pictures on the wall of people dressed as folks did long long ago.

Dust, years of it covering dark furniture. There was no one home. No one had been home maybe since before I was born. The house wasn't abandoned not in the 21st century sense.

It was owned...one could tell, but not lived in.

It was also cold in that place. I had a chilled tingly feeling standing in there. Much as I, and a friend from school had when we stumbled on an old grave yard in Prospect Park.

When Fredrick Olmsted graded, and arraigned the Park he left certain historical sites intact. A certain Colonial graveyard being one of them. I knew nothing about it.

Most still don't, but we stumbled into it. Stumbled in, and got the same feeling I had in that old house, "...Leave".  Today I'd say it was spirits. That or what some researchers now think are impressions left on physical objects by persons during extreme emotional events.

They say this explains what traditionally are thought to be ghosts.

...maybe

Anyway the Spirits were saying "Don't Disturb". I didn't. I left. So ended my short life of Crime. No as I say I never did find a family of Anarchist Beatnik Weirdos to adopt me. However several years later....

'But that's another story for another time.

The End,...mostly.

*(As with all of my personal stories they're guaranteed to be more or less mostly true. In this case I did indeed "visit" peoples homes when I was ten years old. The events described did happen,...mostly.

I changed a few details to makes things run smoother, and be somewhat funnier. Otherwise this is what happened. Think of this as a Docudrama.)

Maybe I'll pitch my very odd life story as a series to HBO.

Stay Tuned.