#“I'm no longer lost. I don't need an umbrella anymore.”

[galaxxies18]

「Amidst the Clearing in the Rain」 - Rindou

Ignite A Noise who? Don't know her-

After a whole year of playing I finally have Rindou's initial 5* fully bloomed :D

pt. 1

Rindou Are you headed home? It suddenly started raining, so please be careful. Do you have an umbrella? I can lend you an umbrella if you’d like. MC Wouldn’t it be troubling for Rindou-san? Rindou I’m fine. My house is nearby, so it’s easy to run. More importantly, I’m more concerned about you catching a cold. MC I’ll be sure to be careful. Thank you. Rindou Ah, I’m sorry. I feel like I’ve intruded too much. My family has always been prone to catching colds. I’m sorry. Please, just be careful. MC Then, shouldn’t Rindou-san be careful as well? Rindou I’ve always been quite healthy, so I’ll be fine. Besides, I don’t dislike the rain. You could say I like looking at it. It feels like everything is being washed away. Though it is a bit silly to let your emotions be swayed by the weather like this... I feel like the truth is very close to this, surprisingly. You can’t go against nature. Ah, I’m sorry. I got in your way. If my umbrella is alright with you, it’s in Unei’s office. If you ever need it, please just take it. Well then, please take care. See you tomorrow.

pt. 2

Rindou When it rained yesterday, were you alright? It suddenly stopped as I was about to head home. However, when I left the store, it started pouring again. It caught me a bit off guard. I ran as fast as I could because my house was just nearby, but when I arrived my clothes were soaked heavily. MC Are you alright? Rindou I’m alright. I’m a very healthy person. (coughs) MC ...You’re not okay. Rindou I’m alright.

MC Please don’t overdo it. Rindou Fufu, this is quite refreshing. In Starless, you’re responsible for your own physical condition. Because we fulfil a variety of roles, even an understudy needs t be able to stand on their own. If you're unable to stand on the change, they'll change the starting line up without hesitation. So, I don’t have time to get sick. (coughs) MC Rindou-san...? Rindou I think it’s a bit dusty in here. I’ll be sure to clean up later. (dancing) ….Huh, where did I leave my water bottle? MC Ah, isn’t it this here? Here you go. Rindou Thank you very much. I’ll go grab it. Ah, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hold on to your hand. MC Your fingers were very warm. Do you perhaps have a fever? Rindou (angry) I don’t. I’m fine. Rindou (calms down) ...I’ve caused you to worry. I’m sorry, but I really am alright. I will return to the lesson. Please watch over me if you’d like. MC ...You’re alright, huh.

pt. 3

Rindou (looking around) It...It should be around here somewhere.... MC Rindou-san? Are you reall okay? You've looked pale even before you went to take a break... Rindou (shocked) ...Ah, apologies, you caught me off guard. It seems I've scared you as well. I've been looking for something, but it looks like I'll just have to ask Un'ei later. I'll go back to my lessons. You should also- (collapses) MC Rindou-san!? Are you okay? Rindou Sorry...I'm just a bit... MC You have a fever, don't you? Please take a seat and relax. Rindou Un'ei-kun should have cold medicine, so I thought of looking just for that... MC I'll look for you. Please just sit down. Rindou I'm sorry, I'm troubling you again... I'm always so helpless... MC Hm? Rindou It's nothing. (MC hands over the cold medicine to Rindou) Rindou I'm sorry to bother you, but the cold medicine really helps. I'm grateful to Un'ei-kun for having a medicine box ready. ...Break time is almost over. I was just in time. MC This doesn't work immediately, though? So why don't you just rest for the day? Rindou It's alright. Sitting down made me feel a little better. I'm sorry for all the trouble I've caused you. And one more thing...can you please keep this a secret from the others? MC But... Rindou If I'm not in my best, I will be disqualified from being out top. I don't want anyone else to know about this. MC D-disqualified... Rindou I won't forgive myself if that were to happen. I don't want to be taken away from the stage. ...Hah, it looks like it'll rain heavily tonight as well. MC (Rindou-san...)

pt. 4

(backstage, a rearrangement of Niji no Kanata E plays in the bg) Rindou Welcome, MC-san. I'm glad you could make it to the show. MC Uh, are you alright now? Rindou Fufu, I'm alright now. There's no need to worry. The cold is our little secret, okay? MC Please just don't overowrk yourself, okay? Rindou That's right...I don't want to show you such an unsightly view. MC That's not what I meant... Rindou I should really be careful, because I don't want you to be so worried over me. It's embarassing to be seen so weak like that... But, it made me a bit happy. Thank you so much for worrying for me so unconditionally. If you ever got a cold, I should be the first one to know. I'm sure you'll be worried over it, but please let me take care of you as well. MC I hope it doesn't ever get to that. Rindou Speaking of rain, are you alright? It rained a bit a while ago in the morning. MC I was fine. Did Rindou-san get drenched this time? Rindou I had an umbrella with me today, but before I knew it, the rain stopped, and suddenly... Between the buildings, I was able to see a rainbow. It had been a while since I last saw one, so I was really happy to see it. I wish you were there. I wanted the two of us to see it together. I wonder what you would have said at that moment. I really can't hate the rain. The atmosphere during it is so nice. It feels like everything will be washed away as well. It's not good to be so easily swayed by the weather, despite having rain or not... But, if I'm able to see such a beautiful rainbow at the end, then I'll be happy. Like being able to see you smile. You're going to watch the show, aren't you? Please, I want you to keep your eyes on me. Please, only look at me, okay?

[parkersmaterialgirl]

The way I loved you

summary - you and Peter break up but then you come to realise that you cannot love anyone the way you loved him

angst, fluff? and based on the song "The way I loved you" by Taylor Swift

I imagined Andrew's Peter Parker while writing this but this can be used for whichever you like <3

happy reading and please don't forget to like and reblog!!

He is sensible and so incredible And all my single friends are jealous He says everything I need to hear, and it's like I couldn't ask for anything better He opens up my door and I get into his car And he says, "You look beautiful tonight" And I feel perfectly fine

You and Peter had broken up, sporadically, this time you were the one who ended things, Peter was always there telling you how dangerous it was for the two of you to be together and the chances of you being in agonizing danger were always dialed up but it was your choice, you absolutely loved Peter Parker but he couldn't keep doing this to you, this was the third time Peter told you that it was unsafe for you to date him and this time you were done, you couldn't take it anymore so you broke things off yourself, even though Peter was hurt he felt you made the right choice and seeing that he was okay with it made you madder. So here you were, 2 weeks later going out with Jeremy Stones. He was a great guy, he was sensible and incredible, always on time, complimented you at all times, and made sure you were always comfortable. Liz and Susan were impeccably jealous of you as Jeremy was anything but a dream. Of course, you Jeremy but there was always something incomplete whenever the two of you were together, Liz and Susan were your friends, but they were very ignorant of your feelings for Peter Parker. Gwen and MJ were conflicted with the idea of you going out with Jeremy Stones, you had to move on someday but knowing what you and Peter were it was easy to tell there was something off with you.

Maybe it was the Monday blues or Jeremy constantly ranting about how yellow is a much better colour than pink, you were exhausted and done, as you started to take your belongings out of your locker, your gaze fell on Peter Parker, soon enough his eyes met yours, you surely needed a map cause you kept getting lost in his eyes, he had those beautiful brown orbs, the perfect doe eyes that could have anybody mesmerized, he passed you a small smile but you could see the sadness in his eyes, he looked tired but still managed to look like the cutest boy ever, his hair was all fluffy, eyes a little red and demeanor a little lousy, then your eyes fell on his nose, broken again and how he had a band-aid on his forehead, you missed Peter more than you thought you would. You were sure if you looked any longer, you'd surely end up in tears so you hurried to get your books out and rush to class and missed how Jeremy was going to bid you with a kiss but you couldn't care any less.

But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain And it's 2 a.m. and I'm cursing your name So in love that you act insane And that's the way I loved you Breaking down and coming undone It's a roller coaster kind of rush And I never knew I could feel that much And that's the way I loved you

It started to rain, usually, you loved the rain but this time it was tormenting. Peter and you would always go out in the rain, no matter how many times you'd end up sick but he was always there to take care of you, what you loved the most was the way Peter kissed you when it rained, it always bought you warmth and comfort more than any jacket or umbrella could provide. His hands would go around your waist as yours would settle on his shoulders, he would gently pull you in 'till the two of you were completely flush against each other, you loved the way how he'd always keep his warm palm on your cheek and then lean in, savoring you like he'd never see you again, holding you so close as if he was afraid of almost losing you, the way his grip on your waist would tighten and his nose would brush lightly against yours never failed to make your stomach surrounded with butterflies.

Dating Peter had a fair share of moments that you loved and moments that you dreaded, you would always tell him to be careful while he was out patrolling but he never really paid much attention to it, the scars and wounds always scared you and had you worried, no matter how much you fought or how much his injuries scared you, you were always there to take care of him, hell you made a first aid kit just for him and learned how to give stitches, these little things you did made Peter's stomach flip all the time. The two of you sitting together in your bedroom at 2 am, him laying half naked on your bed and you tending to his wounds, it was in these moments that the two of you realised how much you loved each other. It was a roller coaster kind of rush and you never knew you could feel that much because that's the way you loved him.

He respects my space And never makes me wait And he calls exactly when he says he will He's close to my mother Talks business with my father He's charming and endearing And I'm comfortable

One afternoon when Jeremy plans to drop you home, you think of inviting him over because it would be rude to let him leave, however you were completely unaware that your parents were at home, they knew about Peter and adored him like their own but were equally heartbroken when they got the news of your break up. Them meeting Jeremy was a whiplash to you, Jeremy being the social bee he is, engrossed himself in a conversation about the share market with your father and helped your mother with her cookies, he was endearing but there was always something missing whenever you were with him. You faked him a smile when he looked at you and smiled back, he had no realisation or idea of what were you feeling but that did not bother you in any way, in fact you couldn't care less.

He can't see the smile I'm faking And my heart's not breaking 'Cause I'm not feeling anything at all And you were wild and crazy Just so frustrating, intoxicating, complicated Got away by some mistake and now

He was too perfect, way too good for you and you didn't want that all, you missed the spontaneity and wildness that drove you crazy, maybe breaking up with Peter was a mistake, he was all you wanted, you couldn't love anybody the way you loved him, not even perfect Jeremy and you had to tell him you can't do this anymore, no matter how hard it is on him, you can't lead him on any further.

After you broke the news to Jeremy, he was upset but he understood where you were coming from, he had seen the relationship you had with Peter, any person who wasn't blind could easily tell that the two of you were meant to be together and he couldn't do anything about it so he left with one last hug and a comforting kiss on the cheek, now you could finally wallow yourself in self-pity and the stupid pain that came with losing Peter Parker. You'd always wear his maroon sweatshirt while going to bed, the best part about it was it never lost its Peter Parker scent, no matter how many times you'd put it in the wash, it always managed to enrapture that beautiful smell. Peter Parker smells like warmth and comfort: apple pie, honey, cinnamon, wet earth, and peppers.

The light tapping on your window broke your stupor and you just knew who it was, you had never run this fast in your life to open a damn window. And there he was, Peter Parker, in all his glory, surprisingly without the spider suit and his bruises, to say you were aghast was an understatement but the happiness you felt was truly intoxicating. You finally let him in as he closed the window while entering inside. He gives you a good lookover and releases the breath he didn't know he was holding.

"Hi", that was all he said, this shouldn't bring a smile to your face and you do your best to hide it but he sees it anyway. "Um, I was just passing by and Jeremy told me you guys broke up and you seemed a little upset the past few days, are you okay?"

"Yeah, yeah, we broke up and I'm okay just tired, what about you, how's May?"

"I'm okay I guess and May, well, she's doing good, she was asking about you, she just misses you, a lot", you know he's trying to convey his emotions through May, you have known him long enough to know all of his antics so you play in to.

"I miss her too", but you actually meant it as well, May was one of the kindest, most hardworking, and brave people you had ever met, of course, you missed her, the two of you shared a special bond that Peter had grown to love so much.

The two of you look at each other with great longing and the tension in the room is palpable and thick, you don't know who was the first one to close the gap between the two of you, as you both find yourself in each other's embrace, Peter hugs you tight, careful not to hurt you with his super strength and you snuggle your face into the collar of his jacket, finally experiencing how is it to have him this close to you. The two of you stay like that for at least 10 minutes but felt like only 10 seconds, he could never get enough of you. And finally the moment you had been waiting for, he leans in and so do you, and your lips lock into the softest kiss you've ever experienced, the kiss is everything you could have ever asked for, it feels like home. And just like that you know you'll never love anyone the way you love Peter Parker.

[hils79]

Hils Watches The King's Avatar - Ep 34

I'm trying not to think about how few episodes I have left

Wait, I thought that WAS the official verdict. I'm assuming that because this dude has been sitting here gloating for like an hour that it's going to be overturned somehow.

I love that this is a gathering all all the team captains plus Wenzhou's husband

Still unclear what he did to warrant a lifetime ban.

Okay now I want Shaotian to lead a revolution where no one will play because there's no point if their most worthy competitor has been banned.

Yes! Lead them into a strike! Also, this is my 700th screenshot of this drama. Nothing else I have liveblogged (or livetweeted as I used to do) has come anywhere near this amount and I've watched stuff WAY longer than this. Well, maybe my Lost Tomb Reboot rewatch but nothing else!

Wenqing is like 'I'm not sure 'friends' is the word I'd use for what we are'

Are you sure about that?

See, this is why I love them. Shaotian is loud and passionate, Wenzhou is quiet and rational. They balance each other perfectly and they love each other so much

I love that during his whole speech Wenzhou has his hand on Shaotian's shoulder. Probably to stop Shaotian from launching himself across the table and fighting the chairman of the league

It's a good thing Shiqin is there as the Excellent Era vice captain because Sun Xiang would never admit this even if he knows it's true

Not me crying because, for the first time, Shaotian decided to be tactful and stay quiet but his husband is there to encourage him to speak

So this dude said 'I can only overturn the ban if you give me a good reason', the captains gave him several good reasons, and the response was just 'cool but you have to respect the decision to ban him'. Well, that was a waste of 5 minutes (apart from letting me see the Blue Rain husbands who I have missed)

Okay, next we need the fans to protest I guess? If the pros and the fans all protest you don't have a league anymore

It seems weird to me that the captains of the other teams know Ye Xiu has been banned but his own team doesn't. Anyway, they've made him a sub which I hope means he's going to get unbanned in time to show up and help them win

That is not a good tactic. What if he doesn't show up? Also, you told Mo Fan to stall for time and he got a yellow card

Oh I hope she ends up having to fight three of them by herself and wipes them all out like she said she was going to do. Fighting!

Nope she got killed again. So much for getting to redeem herself.

Okay, I'm glad they rescinded the ban. But how do you even enforce this? Didn't he win them the championship a bunch of times? Are they going to take that back and give it to another team?

Sucks to be this guy though. And hi Blue Rain husbands in the background. I can't believe they've decided all of this in less time than it takes for Team Happy to finish a tournament. If this was real life there would be months, maybe even years of meeting with lawyers and league board members etc

I choose to believe Shaotian and Wenzhou are holding hands just out of frame

They could at least have given him a ride back to the game that they pulled him out of instead of making him try and find a taxi

He has friends who were in that meeting even if the league weren't prepared to drive him back to the game. Does no one in this universe own a car?

YAY! I have no idea how he got there so fast given he was hailing a cab like a minute ago but let's just go with it

I love her! Plays for another team but just walks on stage and sits with Team Happy in front of everyone after dropping off Ye Xiu

Aww you must be new here

Okay, it's not very clear in the screenshot but Baozi just punched the ground so hard he collapsed the cliff everyone was standing on and It Was Awesome

OH SHIT HIS UMBRELLA BROKE

And they lost. Devastating. What happens now? Are they out of running to win the league?

God I can't stand it when he's sad. It was bad enough when his dad made him cry. This is way worse

Well, that was a real downer to end on. More tomorrow I guess.

[hypn0sssss]

I lost motivation, but I'm back!! This is another request from an IRL friend!

Requests are still open :)

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Words: 446 (I'll write longer ones soon, I promise :))

Fandom: N/A

Characters: Ikun, Tollin (original characters)

@badthingshappenbingo prompt: Big Brother Instinct

TW: Verbal Abuse

You can also read this on AO3!

Poor Tollin (part 2). I tried alternating between he/him and they/them for Tollin, so I apologize if anything is confusing! I love taking comfort-y prompts and making them just hurt :3

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Ikun has never liked Tollin. Ever since their parents left and forced their older sister to take care of them, he's hated him. It was all his fault that their parents left.

As Tollin grew up, Ikun only started to hate them more. Their stupid hairstyle, the stupid hesitation that they do before saying anything. Anything they said felt grating on his ears. And what makes this even worse is that their sister adores them.

She's always babying him and making sure he's alright. What about Ikun? She pays attention to him, yes, but she always coddles Tollin. He's already 10, for crying out loud! He doesn't need to be babied anymore!

Tollin knows that Ikun hates them. But even then, they still try to talk to him in their dumbass voice. And everytime they try, he shoos them away. And every single time, they tear up like the pathetic person they are.

“...Um… did you want help…?”

“Fuck off, Tollin.”

“...I... I'm sorry.”

Then, their sister passed away. Tragically, unexpectedly. Her life was taken while she was so young. She was only 20 years old.

All Tollin wanted was comfort from his brother. All Ikun wanted was the opposite. Everything boiled up into one night. The night after her funeral.

It was raining that night. Of course it was, it was disgustingly fitting. Ikun was standing in front of his sister’s grave, looking down at it. His hands are shaking, and he grabs the umbrella in his hands tighter.

“...um… Ikun…?”

Of course it was Tollin. Their voice makes Ikun want to hurl, even more than normal.

“Go away. I don't want to deal with you right now.”

Unlike usual, Tollin doesn't flinch away. He walks up to Ikun, one of his hands hovering over one of Ikun's on the umbrella. He looks up at his older brother, tears stream down his face.

“...please… I… I don't want to be alone right now…”

Ikun looks down at Tollin, moving his hands away from Tollin's, drenching the younger with rain.

“Fuck off, Tollin! I don't give a shit! I never liked you! You don't deserve my fucking comfort! Leave! Go home!”

Tollin freezes, more tears streaming down their face. They cover their mouth, muffling sobs that start to escape. After a moment, they run off.

After that, the two didn't talk much, to Ikun's delight. Tollin stayed in their own sphere, and Ikun stayed in his. He soon started modeling, which was yet another excuse to be away from home.

He'd hear his coworkers talk about their “big brother instincts”, which he never understood. Why have the urge to protect his brother when they're so useless?

[thatgoblin]

RE Boys Come Back to S/O Reader

For @aido-mitarashi cause I said I'd give some relief for the sadness.

Carlos

After 5 months, you've settled into a new routine. You're able to breathe again and not have a break down.

Work isn't as hard anymore. It's no longer a chore, but something you start to enjoy again.

You still wear a ring, despite not actually having been married. That relationship, you knew it was the one and deep down you weren't sure you could ever move on completely from it to start another.

It's a cloudy day, rain threatening to pour any second.

Even so, you decided to walk home. The car was in the shop and you had some restless energy to get out. With an umbrella at the ready, you started your journey home.

A few blocks away from home, it begins to rain, cooling down the area from the summer heat. You pop open your protection and keep walking.

People are pushing together as the rain came down harder, the tips of umbrellas pressed close to create a canopy of sorts for others who weren't as prepared.

While you were at the front of a group at a crosswalk, waiting for the light to change, people shuffled more, bumping into one another.

It really was an accident. No one had meant to push you so hard.

But someone stumbled into another and a domino effect happened.

You just happened to be the one on the end.

The umbrella flew off in the wind as you stumbled and fell into the street, tearing the knee of your pants and scraping your palms. That was the least of your worries.

Traffic had lulled, but not stopped.

A car was too close for you to have time to get up out of the way, its horn blaring as people screamed while you only had the chance to look up at in in fear.

It was so quick and you weren't sure what had happened, but the car never hit you.

'Move!'

Instead, a strong pair of arms had wrapped around you and hauled you back to the sidewalk.

The car continued on its way without stopping, the light turning to allow pedestrians to cross. Most people crossed, not knowing what had happened, but some stayed to make sure you were okay.

'Yeah, I'm okay,' you said as you stood up with a grunt, looking to see who saved you.

No. There was no way.

'I told you,' he said, smiling softly. 'I wouldn't leave you in a cold, cruel Carlos-less world.'

You weren't sure if you wanted to throw up or cry as you stared at him in shock. It was him. It was Carlos. His hair was short, scars littered the right side of his face and down his neck, but it was him.

'I. . .' You managed to get out before crushing your lips to his, unable to hold back as your hands clutched his shirt. You didn't care how or why, just that he was real and he was there.

'Don't leave me like that again,' you whimpered, pressing your forehead to his.

'Not ever again. I promise.'

Leon

Most nights you couldn't sleep. It took a couple of melatonin capsules to get you drowsy enough to even think of sleep.

It had been like that since Leon's accident. Which had been nearly a month ago. It was hard and overwhelming, making you feel constantly like you were drowning or floating away.

Your friends always checked on you, texting you daily to make sure you had eaten or moved from the bed.

On this night, you were tired. In your bones and head and heart.

Sleep was not coming and you had barely done a thing around the house, you needed to clean.

So, armed with trash bags, a rag, and cleaning spray, you set to work.

Leon's things were left alone, but the take out cartons, the kleenexes just left around the house were picked up and thrown away. Laundry was gathered and done as you set about sweeping and mopping.

Things had gotten out of hand and you knew it, but hadn't cared enough to stop it.

Your body was begging for something, anything to do. Cleaning didn't mean you had to talk to anyone or focus on making people believe you were okay. You didn't have to think, which made it easy for you.

Getting lost in the process, you changed your sheets as Leon's scent had faded already, a new set of bedding would make it easier to sleep, maybe you'd be bless with the sweet nothing of no dreams. The thought of having good dreams mean you'd see Leon and you weren't ready for that.

It was nearly 2 AM when you were finished. Dishes were done, laundry was put away, the carpet vacuumed, the windows even washed. A shower sounded amazing, another thing you had neglected for too long.

Taking your time, you let yourself soak in the hot water to help wash your sadness and depression off, if just for a little while.

Of course, even though you tried, thoughts of Leon and you sharing a shower and washing each other came to mind, making your body ache. Tears came, but the water was quick to wash them away. Leon's bathroom products were still there and you couldn't help yourself.

'Just for tonight,' you said as you washed your hair and body in his scent.

When you stepped out of the shower, your skin was burning but clean. You had scrubbed off so many layers of skin from your body and face that you were sure you looked like someone had taken a steel brush to you.

His lotion was still there, giving you something else of his to comfort yourself with as well as his clothes. In one of his shirts and sleeping shorts, you felt. . . Almost normal.

At 3 AM you were exhausted, your body ready to give out and your mind blissfully numb.

As you moved to get into bed, you heard a noise behind you, but you weren't quick enough.

A hand clapped over your mouth before you could scream, an arm wrapping around your torso to pin your arms as you struggled.

'Listen, if you don't want to get hurt, just shut the fuck up and don't fight us,' a deep voice growled into your ear. The sound of more footsteps told you that it was not a fight you would win and as sad and depressed as you were, you were not going to do something stupid.

Whimpering softly, you nodded.

Your hands were tapped behind your back before your mouth was tapped shut. Pushed onto the bed, you squirmed as you were blindfolded and your ankles taped together.

'We don't want you, just your stuff,' the voice said as you heard people moving around. Too scared to try and do anything with them there, you stayed still on the bed. True to their word, despite not knowing how many there were exactly, they didn't try to hurt you.

'Yo, where's Murphey?' One person asked before being told to shut up. 'No, where is he? He was just downstairs and now he's gone? Did he fucking bail?'

'I don't know. If he did, he's dead.'

'Wait, where's Johnson? He's gone too!'

'Stop freaking out, let's just-'

The conversation was cut short as a fight broke out. All you could do was listen in fear as everything fell quiet save for one set of footsteps walking over to you.

Crying out, you shook your head and struggled as hands pulled you to the edge of the bed.

'Ssshh, shh.'

Your ankles freed and the tape on your mouth peeled off carefully as fingers held your face still.

'No, please don't hurt me,' you whimpered, trying to squirm away.

'Baby, no, it's me. It's me.'

Your wrists were freed and the blindfold pushed off to reveal your savior.

'Oh god,' you sobbed, throwing your arms around Leon's neck. You couldn't form any words as you wrapped your body around his, refusing to let go.

'I'm sorry. I'm so sorry,' he said softly into your neck, stroking your hair back. 'I didn't want to leave you, I swear. I had to.'

'I don't care,' you said. 'Don't do it again. Please don't leave me again.'

'I won't. I promise I won't. If I have to leave again, you're coming with me.'

Chris

One year.

It had been one year since Chris died and you were doing okay. Not so much flourishing, but you were living your life in small bit.

You started to draw again, find small puzzles to do, make things that may not turn out pretty, but you started to do them again.

Claire and Leon would visit often and you would leave the house much more.

Work was busy and you were able to keep up with it again.

Still, you knew you would never move on.

Chris had been the one and while you would forever cherish your time with him, you couldn't bring yourself to look at someone else in that way. Maybe in another year, maybe two, but you weren't looking for a romantic partner. It was a friend you wanted and needed.

So, you hopped on the internet. A pen pal sounded like a good start. Someone to email back and forth to have that daily interaction.

Your first pen pal was a man in England named Neil.

He was far away, so it seemed safe.

At first the conversation was rather plain, but then you started to share pictures of your favorite places to visit. Pictures of hobbies and things you made were added in as well as food you cooked.

You weren't comfortable sharing pictures of yourself, you'd rather imagine Neil was just a sweet old man who was lonely and wanted a friend as well.

It took the chance it being ruined by romance out of the equation.

A few months into the friendship, he accidentally sent you a picture of himself.

Accidentally.

He was handsome and you found yourself smiling at the photo. Wrapped up in a cardigan with glasses while at a restaurant as he had tea, he seemed to be the complete opposite of Chris.

Then he began to tease about what you looked like. It was gentle and playful, not making you stress that things would change.

Four months into the emails, you sent a picture of yourself. It was one with Clair and Leon from a dinner that the three of you had had recently. You were dressed nicely, but not formally.

'Didn't realize I'd blessed with such a wonderfully attractive pen pal.'

'It's the only one you're getting, so shush.'

You were sure that you'd never meet. Neil didn't occupy your thoughts 24/7 like Chris had when you started to date. Neil was a brief 30 minutes of your day that you allowed yourself to play pretend that you weren't still heartbroken.

Six months into the emails and he said he was going to be in your city. You didn't tell him what city you lived in and he didn't tell you his location either, for safety and to keep that distance.

He asked if you were near and wanted to meet?

You declined, lying to him that you weren't in that city, but wished him a good trip.

'I'll send you pictures.'

Neil did indeed send you pictures, but they weren't what you thought they would be.

The day he supposedly landed, you got an email full of photos of you. You were in the house, you were at work, you were walking down the street, driving, eating, out with Claire, at Leon's place, at the cemetery, you in your room sleeping. . .

Your stomach dropped as you grabbed the kitchen counter to steady yourself. Oh god.

'I had really wanted to meet you. I know we have a connection and we could be something, but you lied to me. I can't forgive that.'

Rushing to your bedroom, you packed a bag before grabbing Chris' coat on a last whim. There was no way you could stay at home. Not till this guy was caught.

You called Claire in a panic, letting her know what had happened. She told you to stay with her and she'd call Leon. Taking your time, driving in circles as you looked for anyone that could be following, you made it to Claire's. She was on her way there with Leon, but it would be a bit.

Using your spare key, you went inside before checking all the locks and windows.

You didn't feel as exposed, so you went to the guest bedroom to put your things up.

It was where you heard the floor creaking.

Playing it off, you went about as if you hadn't heard a thing, not wanting to give anyone who was there the advantage. Leaving the room, you held your phone in hand, quickly shooting a text to Claire.

[SMS Claire: He's in your house.]

The phone went flying from your hand when a plastic bag was pulled over your face and held tight while you dragged backwards.

'Shouldn't have lied to me,' Neil hissed as he tried to smother you.

Of all the things you told him, you didn't let on about Chris or anything to do with the training he'd given you. His job had been dangerous and should someone come after you, he wanted you to be able to defend yourself.

Throwing your elbow back hard repeatedly till his grip loosened, you broke away, rushing forward as you ripped the plastic bag off. Gasping, you made it to the hallway to go for your phone, but you were tackled into the wall.

This guy was not going to get what he wanted without a fight. He would realize he shouldn't have picked you to do this to.

Grappling, you took several punches to your face and torso before the two of you fell down the stairs.

Nose bloody and knuckles bruised, you didn't lay there and groan. Pushing yourself up, you made for the front door before he was on you again. Through the glass coffee table you both fell. Your face was cut along with your arm, but you still didn't stop.

Screaming, your punched and kicked him as he clamored on top of you. His hands wrapped around your throat, squeezing hard.

Your vision was getting spotty as he held you down.

Maybe this would be okay? You'd be with Chris again.

But Claire and Leon. . . They'd be devastated. Another loved one guy by the hands of someone else. No, you couldn't leave them. Not like this.

'Get off them!'

Neil went flying backwards, letting you gulp deep breathes of air into your lungs.

Staying down, you thought it was Leon and Claire, they'd made it in time.

Carefully, you rolled to your side to stand up and stop laying in the glass.

There were grunts of rage as Leon kept punching Neil.

'He's down, stop!' You cried. As much as you hated the man, you didn't want him dead or to have Leon in trouble. 'Stop!' Gripping his shoulder, you wrenched him off of Neil, turning around.

All you could do was stare at him. Wide eyed with blood running down your cheek and nose.

'Chris?'

You didn't even hear Leon and Claire screaming for you as they ran up the steps till the front door flew open.

Claire and Leon were just as shocked, all of you staring at the man.

'We. . .' You breathed, feeling faint. 'We buried you. I saw you. . .'

'It wasn't me.'

'I don't understand.'

'I'm sorry. I should have told you, all of you, but I couldn't risk it.'

He glanced at Leon who was holding Claire steady, then back to you were a storm of emotions. Saying your name, looking at you with those kicked puppy eyes that always won you over, Chris could have told you anything at that moment.

It didn't matter.

Stepping to you, gently touching your arm, it was enough for you to fall into him.

Holding onto his shirt with an iron grip, you refused to let go. There would be time for anger later. Right then, he was back and you wanted nothing more than to have him hold you again.

'I missed you, so much,' you managed. 'So fucking much.'

'I know. I missed you too.'

'Can we go home?' You asked, looking up at him as the police arrived with an ambulance.

'Yeah. Let's go home.'

Master List

Tag List: @abysswhiskey11 @interviewedchicken @cadouboo @lonely-af-fangirl @girl-obsessed-with-things @mmmm----15 @depressedthebluefox @whimsywispsblog @singingsiren98 @parkerschurros @chrissyreid

[stopbeingrude]

Hi guys , how are you doing ? I hope you had at least a decent day. I was really surprised by how many people were interested in my story. (blush) Im so glad As promised, here's chapter 2 ,, I like the rain, it always seemed like the only thing that was like me…" Chapter 2. ,,Thank you for being here" Juvia looked at the object in her hands that she found while packing for their trip to Tempeville. A tiny umbrella , white with smiling suns printed on it .She remembered vividly the exact moment Jerry had handed it to her. - "Here, this is for you, I couldn't bear to hear you whining anymore,"- said the golden-haired man, handing the little girl his gift. -'' I've told you many times, that in time you would be able to control the rain around you. It's normal for water to behave strangely around water mages, and I had a problem with it too….- said Jerry. The man thought for a moment, then added. -..I'm pretty sure I told you how I nearly drowned my ex girlfriend….I told you, right?.. "- little girl nodded-"...Of course I did…haha..If only you could see that bitc...yh...lady's face….Where was I at again?............Oh right!... If only you were just a bit more patient, little froggy.." -"I told you not to call me that, you dummy! "- shouted the seemingly angry Juvia. It was obvious that she wasn't angry, but if those were supposed to be birthday wishes , then that this old slacker could have tried a little harder. -''Oi! Brat....I'm trying my best to wish you a happy birthday and you act like this? -" What kind of birthday wishes are these supposed to be!?- the girl exclaimed. -..Unbelievable! Young people these days are so ungrateful….Ugh .."- he complained, but eventually gave up. -" Heh... Alright….Im sorry... Happy Birthday Juju…- he said with a grin. He couldn't stay angry with his baby for too long. - "...I wish you happiness, health,...I hope you'll grow up to be a decent and intelligent woman ... because remember this..., it's not how you look that counts, it's what's in your head…. - the man poked her forehead lightly, causing the girl to giggle. Despite the tough character of her ..guardian ...? I guess you could call him that… despite his difficult sense of humour and his biting remarks, she knew that she was important to him, just as he was important to her. He just had a strange way of showing affection... Juvia laughed lightly despite a few tears that flowed from her sapphire eyes. It was for moments like this , she's been able to endure the bullying of other children , she knew that every sad experience ended with a visit from Jerry. Every visit ended with one of his strange ideas that always put a smile back on her face, like that one time he took her out for hot dogs at 10pm. Juvia was never able to forget the look on the orphanage ladies' faces when Jerry walked her back at 1 am. Lost in her thoughts, she didn't notice when her fiancé appeared in their bedroom. -" I've never seen this one…"- he pointed at the umbrella- ''.. I'm guessing it's a special one then" -he stated, handing her tea. - "Thank you... "- she took a sip-"...Yes you're right... actually it was a present for my birthday. HE gave it to me…" After packing the last things, they both sat down on the bed. Neither of them was quite sure how to start a conversation. Gray didn't like the strange atmosphere that had prevailed in their apartment since yesterday. But most of all he did not like how distant Juvia seemed to be. That wasn't his Juvia. Devil Slayer rested his head on her shoulder. When Blue-haired woman began to gently stroke his hair, he immediately relaxed . He missed that... After what for him felt like ages , she decided to speak. -"Juvia is sorry that she didn't tell you anything...Juv….. I was just trying to forget about it... it's not like I don't trust you....Please don't be angry…"-she said in an uncertain voice. -"I'm not angry at you….I'm just a little disappointed...I thought you felt comfortable enough with me to tell me everything…"- he admitted. It was silly to admit , but he didn't

like the fact that Juvia wouldn't tell him something. He knew that everyone had the right to have their own secrets, but his desire to find out what was in her head was much stronger. After a while he decided to ask her more - "Is there anything else you haven't told me about yourself?" He needed to know. -" No. Everything else is true…About my childhood, about Phantom Lord...and mostly about my parents..." …………………………. -".........What happened to your parents...?"- he asked quietly. He contemplated for a moment whether he should ask her this question. After all, he didn't know what kind of reaction this would cause.. -" My mother died when I was about 2 years old.... I don't know who my father was... Jerry said he never met him…about my mother.."- Juvia looked as if she was thinking very hard about something, and after a moment she added-"..Jerry once told me that even she couldn't remember who he exactly was….not that she cared about it or about being pregnant …"- said Juvia weirdly. Wait , what? -"..L-let me get this straight…...you're trying to tell me….that she didn't really care that she got pregnant...and that she wasn't even trying to look for your father? ' Wait, what !?' -….ymm... that's....." - the man persistently tried to choose the right words. He did not want to offend his fiancée's mother by any means (If not for her , Juvia wouldn't be there in the first place, so she obviously deserved to be at least respected)....But everything Juvia had mentioned sounded...How to put it?...Concerning? -" It's not normal... I know... you don't have to hold back Darling- she said with a slight smile- "Her name was Eliana and apparently she was always like...that..., she was...well DIFFERENT.."- that's how Jerry would always describe her-"....She didn't really care about anything, she didn't talk too much, she rarely showed any kind of emotion....She was one big secret, even for him. Juvia never fully got it. Why would she be like that with the person she supposedly was…… ..ymm…..Close.?"- he didn't miss the way she said the last word, but he kept quiet about it. After all ,the relationship between two strangers wasn't his business. Gray decided to change the subject a bit. -"You know..., I think it's really great of him to take care of both of you.…"-despite the fact that the night before Gray had felt a lot of anger towards the aforementioned man, right now he was grateful that he had taken both ladies under his care.- "He must have been an amazing person. It really sounds like you are telling me about some hero or saint"- ice mage smiled - "He was "- said blunette with a smile - "I will always be grateful to him...But Saint ? No, no ,no...That's probably too much of an exaggeration." - she added with a giggle. Gray was glad that she was laughing again, he couldn't help but laugh a little too. They are slowly returning to normalcy... - "He was the laziest, most stubborn man you could find on this planet….He was untactful , brutally honest and worst of all, sometimes he could be so awfully mean and grumpy , especially when it was Tuesday...Juvia never got that...why Tuesday?….Dear God , he could be so unbearable...."- Juvia stopped for a moment, then smiled playfully.- "Honestly you two are pretty similar in that case" - "Ekhem....So.. you're suggesting that I'm mean and grumpy ? Oh ..Alright... I'll remember that when you want something from me..."- Gray said, pretending to be offended and trying hard not to smile. Juvia laughed loudly, then wrapped her arms around his neck and placed a sweet kiss on his lips. After Jerry disappeared, she was sure she would never get attached to anyone again. She didn't want to suffer more. But as we all know, life likes to surprise us, and "never" is not eternal. First she met Gajeel , with whom, by some strange coincidence, she found a connection. Funny, considering how different they were. Even then a quiet voice in her head, similar to Jerry's, whispered to her to not get too attached….that it didn't make sense. On that day, for the first time in her

life, she decided to ignore it, and thanks to that, she gained a wonderful friend. The same situation happened again after she met Gray and Fairy tail. The insistent voice kept reminding her of the past. 'Just because you've miraculously found a friend who hasn't left you, doesn't mean that it will happen again...' 'So what if he stopped your rain, one day you'd be able to deal with it by yourself…..Besides, don't you remember what happened the last time you felt something for a guy? It's just stupid, meaningless crush, just get over it....' But as time passed and she became more and more attached to the guild mates, more and more in love with Gray..... The voice in her head gradually faded and after a while the only sound she heard was the laughter of her loved ones. Despite the suffering of the past, Juvia no longer regretted anything. She would go through it even 100 more times, just to be happy with her new family. -"Oi ! - she felt Gray lightly tap her nose- Juvs don't fall asleep, we have a train in about two hours….. Remember? "- he asked amused - "You're right! Juvia's sorry, she got lost in her thoughts…" ****************************************** - "Are you going on a mission ?" asked Mira Jane cheerfully, as the couple informed her of their departure. Gray didn't necessarily want to share with her the reason for their trip. After all, it was a rather sensitive topic. - "Yyyy it's more like..... a..vacation...?...Right Juvia?"- he turned to his fiancée - "Oh!....Yes, yes..."- nodded the woman. The barmaid looked at them with a huge smile. She still couldn't quite believe that these two were finally together.… - "In that case I wish you a wonderful time, lovebirds" - she giggled as she saw them both turning red. - "Ooh vacation? That's awesome, wish you a great time guys." -they heard Lucy's voice behind them. - "They are such a beautiful couple."- added Erza proudly-" I can't believe that our Gray has grown so much..I hope you'll have an amazing vacation." - '"I also wish you an amazing time'' -said Wendy happily. -Ohhh..young love…- sang Happy, flying over their heads. - " And where are you two going anyway?"- asked Natsu curiously while finishing his lunch. - "We decided to visit my hometown,"- said Juvia. Her friends didn't need to know more... - "Oh cool..Where is it?" -continued Natsu. He never really thought much about where his guild-mate came from.. -" I don't think that's your business Flame-brain. Besides you probably wouldn't know where it is anyway." -said Gray, slightly annoyed. He was slowly starting to get on his nerves. Why does Natsu always have to meddle in things that are not his own? - "I asked Juvia ,not you Icy-pants" said Natsu teasingly. Jeez what's wrong with Droopy eyes today , he just asked a simple question. - "Calm down both of you "- said Lucy. She didn't like where this conversation was going. -'' Lucy is right, there is no point in arguing....Natsu if you really want to know, Juvia was born in the town of Tempeville, in the south - said Juvia, trying to calm down quickly. - "Oh, I've never heard of that place," Natsu said, surprised. Looks like there's a lot of towns he didn't know about. - "See, I told you so,"- said Gray. "Now if you'll excuse us, we have a train to catch. So let's get going… - "Hey Lucy, Happy, let's go with them...I'd like to see what that place is like "- said Natsu suddenly, dragging the blonde with him. His girlfriend looked at him in horror. 'Natsu, what are you thinking? Are you trying to ruin their trip?' - "The hell?! "- shouted Gray. And then he thought that everything was going well…'Please no….' - "Natsu, that's their private vacation! "- exclaimed Lucy, knowing very well that they should leave the couple alone- "Besides, they said they have a train coming soon!" -"Then let's go , we have to get ready quickly…...!" "LEAVE US ALONE !!' - desperate Gray shouted as loud as he could, unintentionally focusing the attention of practically the entire guild. They all looked at him, disapproval clearly written on

their faces. - "Gee..Buddy..you don't have to be so rude," - said Max. - "My God… what's with you?- whispered Lisanna - "Exactly Gray, what kind of behavior is that? "- Erza asked in a stern tone- "If you don't want Natsu to come with you, just tell him politely. The Devil Slayer wanted to disappear... It wasn't supposed to be like this. He turned his gaze towards his fiancée, silently asking for any kind of rescue. However, he was met with the same horrified gaze. After a moment, the girl bowed her head slightly and said to the rest of the guild. -"Everyone , please forgive us, especially Gray. I don't know what's going on with him lately...." - ' Huh ?'- Gray must have heard that wrong….There is no way... -"....He's been very tired and stressed lately, probably because of work, that's why we decided to go on vacation…..Juvia didn't know what to do...." said Juvia, brilliantly pretending to be distraught. 'Stop making me out to be some kind of aggressive freak,' Gray shouted in his mind 'Juvia is sorry but this is kinda your fault'- thought blunette , while taking a look at her lover. - "Relax Juvia, you don't have to apologize to us... To be honest Natsu tried to force his way into your trip" - said Lucy, looking at her partner with an annoyance. - Sorry Juvia….-said the pink haired boy meekly-"...but the ice princess can kiss my ass. I won't apologize to him.." -he added quietly. - "It honestly sounds like an excuse to leave you alone so you can shag in peace" -said Cana under her breath. She wanted to add something else but then she felt a murderous gaze of the black-haired man and decided to shut up. -"True!"- added Gajeel, receiving a look full of indignation from his best friend. -"That's so MANLY" - "How could you blame them though….." -laughed Macao. -"GOODBYE !" - shouted Fullbuster blushing furiously ,as he headed straight to the door, dragging his equally embarrassed lover with him. As they walked towards the train station, dragging their suitcases behind them, blunette suddenly asked… - "Did you really do this...to be all alone with me....?" asked Juvia innocently. Oh how she loved teasing him like that... -"JUVIA ?! "- At this point Gray was close to having a heart attack. A very amused girl could not stop laughing for a while , until they got on the train and they sat down in one of the wagons. Their journey has just begun. ****************************************** Very random/ unnecessary bonus . Remember this, Lovelies! Never doodle under the influence of alcohol, you will get wierd ideas lol. ,, Do you see this sh*t Juvia? People are fighting over fictional characters… Humanity really is getting dumber and dumber...."

[dreamiesdotcom]

butterfly effect│nct dream

Summary: You think of it as something caused by the butterfly effect — the great loves you had to leave, and the one that made you stay.

Pairing/s: 7dream x Reader

Word Count: 12k

Moon's note: since it's my birthday and I promised... it's not the best but I'd like to thank you guys for staying with me and wishing me a happy birthday! I hope you all have an awesome 2021!

You weren't really thinking straight when you met him — instead, your mind was a mess of one thought and sidelines; the little things. Butterfly effect. The knowledge that ten minutes from now the train will board — you'll miss your ride to school, you'll miss school — so you run faster, faster, and there it goes. The butterfly effect — knowing that what little thing you did could've changed someone's life entirely.

If you have made it ten minutes earlier, maybe you'd be sitting in the spot where a child buzzes with excitement, knowing that she'll see her father sometime soon, and in exchange, she will be in another place — maybe she won't meet the girl sitting across who offers her one of her candies. Maybe she won't be riding the train at all — maybe she would have to wait six months again before she can go see her dad.

You sulkily take the path to one of the exits, thinking about catching the bus or something. The skies are dark and you're aware of its plan, also aware that you left your umbrella. Frustrated and too annoyed to even think about school, you crash to the empty bench, bags left to drop to the floor. Tough luck. 

The boy chuckles, "Missed the train too?"

"Yeah," you grumble, not even bothering that he's a total stranger. "Was caught in a daydream and got lost on the way. You?"

"Eh, my idiot of a best friend made me wait," he shrugs. He brings his book down and offers you a handshake, "I'm Huang Renjun — I see we study at the same place. May I know your name?"

You don't speak after a minute or two, but you shake his hand, to which he laughs at. You think it was you being overwhelmed. Maybe your soul just knew how much impact he was meant to throw at your life.

Huang Renjun doesn't become a one-time encounter, but instead, he becomes someone you take train rides with; be it you're late or not, to school or to the library. He stays constant occurrence, so much that Huang Renjun turns into Renjun, then Renjunnie — until you're free to call each other names like 'dumbass' and 'stupid' and everything crumbles down; formalities, facades, walls. You don't feel it then, but if you were to look back, you think it's that one dark-skied Monday with you two terribly late and finding yourselves back in the same bench, when everything the world laid down for you has shifted.

Renjun pout his lips, bored. He tears his bag from himself and lets it stay under the shed, but he stretches his hands out to the sky where his eyes are set, watching water fall in tiny drizzles before a full-blown rain, "Perhaps, dance under the rain with me?"

"When we should be at school?" you huff, more amused than questioning but it comes out as a scolding. He only nods his head, and you furrow your brows, "Renjun, you're crazy."

He doesn't reply, only answers with a deadpan gaze that asks Are you going or not? and it makes you tighten your expression further. 

"Hold me."

The boy grins in triumph — he cheekily smiles, immediately pulling you under the rain and laughs like a tiny kid. It's contagious, you figure out, his laughter; if not for his hand on your waist and the other entwined with yours, you would've fallen over laughing with him. It was less of a dance and more of a cuddle, swaying to the sound of the rain and his sweet hums. Renjun whispers to you the melody of a love song, and you couldn't help but ponder.

"I always wanted to do this, you know?" you feel silly even confessing, "To dance under the rain with someone, look into each other's eyes, exist as if the world doesn't and maybe give them a kiss. I wonder how that'd feel."

Renjun's serenity read ideas — those that never failed to get you two in trouble. He tilts his head, "Kiss me, then."

You feel like the world stops, and your heartbeat slows, as if the raindrops are little speckles of star-like lights littering the surroundings. Your eyes widen at his suggestion, shock ripping through your body, a confused sound escaping your throat, "What?"

"I guess you don't always need to have feelings for the person you're kissing," Renjun purses his lips. Of all people, you laugh in your head, those words you expected to come out of this one's mouth the least. He huffs, "And I don't have feelings for you."

There's just enough hesitation — uncertainty, unpredictability, skepticism — in his eyes that you find he can't be trusted as much as he normally would be. Renjun drops a half-smile, eyes unreadable, "But I sure do know I want to kiss you. A lot. Right now." 

Renjun smiles in victory the second time that day.

═ ∘❁∘ ═

You come across Donghyuck in the most inconvenient way possible; a few months after you started dating Renjun and there's a little too many mishaps with making schedules meet. He strides to your chair one sunny Friday, clothes too colorful for the shades of beige decorating the place. Donghyuck didn't know how to approach you; he just kind of winged it by showing you Renjun's texts that he asked him to pick you up because something came up and he can't make it anymore. You didn't really like that — the fact that he didn't even speak, the fact that Renjun stood you up. You thought Donghyuck was arrogant. The car ride home was silent.

He was far from that, you learn the one too many times the same scenario occurred. Renjun was too busy to even show up, more often in the library than in his own place. Donghyuck, being his best friend, never failed to be there for you, keep your relationship intact, make excuses for the other. He'll pick you up from where you were supposed to meet your boyfriend, grab food and spend the whole day playing video games that only he understands, and then half of the time he'll compliment you with little playful remarks. That day was supposed to be nothing so different from the others — it's just that it didn't take much longer for Donghyuck to fall.

How could he not? You smiled so lovingly and spoke so gently, always so understanding and patient and kind. How can he not, when he's already known what song makes your day the most? When he saw how ethereal you looked under the moonlight, as he danced with you by the shore? Sure, maybe most of these moments wouldn't have been if it wasn't for Renjun's absence, and truly most of the things he loves about you aren't for him; he fell in love anyway. Still, that day was supposed to be nothing so different from any others — you're stuck in the odd place quite between grateful and guilty.

"Something came up, he won't be here." The boy says firmly through gritted teeth, hands-on your wrist trying to make you get up, "Please. He doesn't have his phone. He's not coming anymore, let's go home."

"Let me wait for him, please," you say, eyes teary, "Please, Donghyuck."

"No." He simply mutters, and whether it was the sinking feeling of defeat or the determination in his voice, it doesn't matter. You let yourself get tugged away from that place, feeling weak and oddly empty. The car ride home was silent. 

"Thanks a lot, you know?" You shyly say later, once Donghyuck's lost enough in video games and he's run out of knock-knock jokes and witty statements. He couldn't stand the sight of you with your head hung low and eyes teary, "You're always there for me when Renjun is not and... just thank you."

"You're welcome," he sincerely replies. You try to look for it, the lilt in his voice or the smirk stretching his lips, but all you see is worry, and it concerns you. The bad butterflies in your stomach, the bad thoughts in your head; you feel like right now, with you so vulnerable, there should be someone by your side — someone that is totally not Donghyuck. He clears his throat, "You know he didn't mean to, right? He wants time with you too, a lot, you know?"

"I know what I have, Hyuck," you reply, a chuckle at the end of your tone. You lean your back to the couch, head tilted up and voice hoarse, "and I'm fucking scared I'll take him for granted."

Donghyuck's heartbeat slows down, but you don't need to know that. If you're thinking of a similar situation, a place in time back then as cruel winters and as harsh as summer sunlight in the afternoon, you figure he doesn't need to know that, too.

You let out a huff and a smile, "I don't want to know how painful it is to lose Huang Renjun."

Donghyuck thinks he knows why you said it; things normally go down the drain when you start realizing why someone fell for a certain person — at least, he thinks. If his experience is a reliable source, this is the point where you start falling for that person too. When you see how gentle they are, how caring, how understanding. Maybe Donghyuck is lonely — maybe he just wants to be someone who holds another person, singing them lullabies until they fall asleep, much like Renjun does for you. Maybe you're really just lovely — maybe there's an undiscovered force in the universe that places you in the center of his everything. He makes note of the rejection in your confession, and he accepts it, gracefully.

This is the point where he suppresses all the what-ifs in his head — what if you gave me a chance? What if I met you first? What if I didn't skip class that day, and I was with Renjun, and I met you at the same time as him? Do you think you would've ended up with me? — but these thoughts, despite being concealed, they leave a constant reminder that they're still there. It's a truth you both already know, the words that drip like honey from his lips, "I could love you better, so much better."

It'd be a lie to say you didn't think of it, considering his feelings. It would be an even bigger lie if you said that you don't think anyone can love you better than Renjun — you know someone can, and with how you two are handling this, it wouldn't be so hard to. Donghyuck is just so easy to fall for — the way he always knows the right thing to say, the compliments he throws at people, how confident he is, how clingy he gets. You would lie if you're asked, but you can't deny having feelings for Donghyuck, you can't deny how many times you've fallen in a reverie thinking of how good it must feel to be adored by him. Maybe you were lonely, maybe Donghyuck was just like that. Either way, no matter how great this love could be, you know it's wrong. 

"I know you could. I couldn't be any happier when I'm with you. Those instants, they're one of the most beautiful moments in my life, but —" you halt, eyes still staring up at the ceiling. The twist in your gut tightens as you proceed, "But in those moments, I was secretly hoping for things. I was hoping that he was the one doing all of that for me. I was hoping that the happiness I had with you, he was giving me instead."

Donghyuck remains silent for a while. He smiles wistfully, "I know."

It's a rather odd answer, but you figure it shouldn't shock you as much anymore. You sit up straight, confused. Donghyuck motions for you to stand as he does the same. Stars shine in his eyes still, but it's a different light — there's hope in them, but it's a difficult kind of hope. He's beautiful even under dull lighting, it's something hard to pronounce; unrestrained and raw, as if one look at him and you'll crumble.

"Please, for just a while, even just a little bit," He steps closer, eyes downcast, "hold me like you love me."

You figure you were right about thinking that there was always something wrongfully more with Donghyuck — also discover that no matter how much more this feeling is, whatever it is, it can never be love; at least not a healthy one. What love could possibly ruin relationships? Donghyuck and Renjun are practically soulmates — they were made to be best friends, and while they had their other friends, nobody is just like Renjun and nobody is like Donghyuck. You don't want them to fall apart; you of all people know how hard it is to lose someone special. 

Donghyuck's hug felt like fire, uninhibited and uncontrolled, given to someone so undeserving. You hold him like you love him the same way.

"I don't need you to love me back," but maybe he was hoping a bit. Yeah. Maybe. "There was never a chance for us, you know? Against my own best friend, I know I won't stand a chance. I just wanted to hear it from you."

A pause.

"Because I can dance with you under the moon, and I can walk on streets holding your hands, I can give you all the time in the world — I could spend a lifetime telling everyone I'm yours," Donghyuck locks gazes with you, and you wonder how he manages to be both heartwarming and heartbreaking at the same time. He shakes his head a bit, "But that won't make you love me."

"Because I can only ever catch you," he says wistfully "whenever he fails to. I always do, don't I? Catch you, save you, love you. But you're not falling for me. You're not in need of my saving. You're not mine to adore."

He loosens his hug, looks at you like the sun bidding farewell to the moon. He's just as beautiful, if not more, he really is — gold dusting his eyelids and strawberry balm on his lips — he's ethereal. Donghyuck is beautiful in all ways manageable and not, but it's also a different kind of beauty — quite like love, adventurous but uncertain, poetic but tragic. There's a lot of pain in this beauty. He closes his eyes.

"There's not much of us, but I'm setting you free."

═ ∘❁∘ ═

You find yourself knocking at Renjun's door that night, for no particular reason — certain events made you forget that he stood you up. Renjun apologizes and repeats his reasons like a mantra, but words seemed to leave his mouth once he sees your eyes; tired and sore. You don't really need his apologies. You just need him.

Apologies, you see, they almost always never come when they're asked for. When they do, they're mostly unwanted and unnecessary from that point forward. You just feel odd, more restless than you actually are, the world is too loud — you just want to close your eyes and escape for a bit. Renjun holds you silently the whole night, his heartbeat calm, his arms holding you tight and secure.

Renjun knows, but he decides it's better for him not to. He shifts a bit, "If not because of me, why are you sad?"

A part of you knows that this is his way of telling you he understands, that he's aware of what somethings happened behind his back. Renjun always knows. The bigger part of you hoped he didn't — selfishly. You know it's the safest choice to keep your mouth shut. 

You're sad, for a million reasons or for just one, you don't bother keeping up with the numbers. Renjun looks at you like you're a treasure, though, like he means it — you think the only favor you could do him and for yourself as well is to lie. You grin, effectively hiding away the tears threatening to brim your eyes, "I forgot."

He doesn't really know what answer he expected, but his heart sinks at the reply nonetheless. Renjun decides, tomorrow.

Tomorrow comes quickly in a way Renjun wishes it wasn't. He wakes up tired — he was up all night singing lullabies to himself, whispering confessions that wouldn't change a thing and promises he'll never be able to fulfill, stuff that would never make you stay. Renjun didn't cry all night — there was a tear or two, there was three — he didn't just cry all night. He did so much more — relive the past, think that he's sorry, accept defeat and the fact that he's never gonna be enough for you; then he closes his eyes. The rain pours heavily outside and Renjun reaches a hand out to the sky.

"Perhaps, dance under the rain with me?" he says with tired eyes. "One time once more, baby."

You ignore the telltale signs of a heartache — maybe you were too numb, maybe you wanted to pretend it's all normal. Renjun tugs you outside and pulls you into a hug so tight, as if he didn't want to let go but he's losing you. Is he? 

Dancing with Renjun under the rain is oddly similar to the one you shared with Donghyuck under the moonlight, and you find yourself full of guilt as you sway together with him, humming love songs just right next to your ear. 

Renjun knows of that dance, of course he does. He was in front of the place you two were supposed to meet at, hoping that he could still make it. Because of this, he doesn't ask why you're entwining fingers with his while recalling memories of another. He doesn't mind — he thinks, as long as your eyes look at him so softly like that, he doesn't mind anything.

You think Renjun is beautiful like this — his everything an aesthetic you can endlessly write about. His eyes, though, his eyes look distant, wishful and longing. Renjun looks at you like he's letting you go and your heart drops, as gentle and as sweet as the poems he's written of you and the kiss he gifts your lips with.

"Just leave, darling," he whispers, "Stay a lovely memory to me."

It's just like any lovely excerpts you wrote, the last line with Renjun quite familiar and bittersweet. As if in any other circumstances, had he said only the second sentence and the second sentence only, it would have made your heart skip and your cheeks rise in temperature.

Real love is a little not like literature, though, at least the one you had with Renjun isn't. It wasn't almost being the same person. It wasn't sweet chaos. For both of you, it was doing what was the best for each other at the moment — whether it will make you cry, whether it will be painful before it becomes easy, knowing that it won't always be picture perfect but still wanting to give each other what you deserve. It was so much simpler than how he said it in his poetry, just as complicated but not any less romantic than that. Huang Renjun knew that you were aware of what was the best for the both of you — with neither of you ever wanting to force something to work and end up hating each other the more it fails, successfully trading the happy memories with more regrets, you walk away. Renjun doesn't follow just because love isn't always like the idea of it, but he does remember to never forget. You walk away, holding his love dear to your heart.

═ ∘❁∘ ═

Some people are just not meant to be alone, you think. Mark Lee comes just as quickly as Renjun was gone.

You don't even know why your paths crossed — Mark is literally the town's golden boy. He plays sports and aces exams and has a good set of friends; surely, he has more important matters to deal with, and definitely getting coffee at a dingy coffee shop isn't one of them. Not when it's three a.m in the morning, at least.

The shy barista at the counter sends you a gleeful smile as he hands out your order, one which you return with a curt nod and a quiet wish goodnight. He watches intently, subtle but focused — he really isn't one to gawk at people, but he couldn't help it. You held with you a smile that doesn't match the exhaustion in your eyes. You looked like hope. You looked like someone to look up and search for the stars even on a cloudy day. You seemed like a full-bloomed spring to trapped minds and sour hearts. You think Mark is a little too curious like Alice. Mark thinks you're even better than the Wonderland he'd always fall for.

He knows you saw him, he feels the hesitation in your stare. He knows you know him, he's shared a couple of classes with you and has done a couple of assignments as a team, so naturally, Mark couldn't help himself but ask, "Wanna sit down with me?"

You walk up to him with a nod, grateful. Mark tries to remain calm for the rest of the night — caffeine not helping — and he tries to look at his book instead of you, but he simply fails to. He tries his best to conceal himself, but he can't seem to tear away. He can't look at anywhere else when you're sitting there right in front of him — you know pain, you're familiar with sadness, have always been friends with enduring what you couldn't take; Mark sees in you a landscape that makes his heart hurt, a leafless tree he loves by itself but couldn't resist the urge to nurse back into life. Every now and then you'd look up from your cup and he would look away from this book that he's "reading" and your eyes would meet, and the both of you would shyly giggle and open up a small talk.

He walks you home that night, this one and the other and the many next times after that; it's just your thing by now, getting coffee at the most unreasonable hours of the day and staying up until it's too late for either of you to sleep because by this hour you should be blinking awake, walking down lifeless streets and past neon signs and holding hands. Mark would look at you with such awe and when he does, you have some things you forget, and your heart races. He's became a regular part of your day, a constant stranger. And then he becomes your friend. Then kind of more. You think, maybe, just maybe, he can become something more than more.

"I have many regrets in this life, you know? But I don't wanna be imprisoned by them," you shrug, too scared to look up at him and see that he wonders just what failures you've done. You continue your slow pace, both in walking and letting go of things much like words, "I don't want you to be one of them."

Mark stops walking, but he doesn't make you feel like you've said something wrong, so you finally glace up and meets his eyes; those that hold as much tiredness as yours, pressure, those that are glassy and brimming with tears. You smile, "And I like you, a lot, even if I'm in broken pieces. "

Mark looks at you and doesn't see majestic brokenness. Mark falls deeper in love that day, the next and all the others; you were deep like that. He fell and couldn't stop falling and he can't wait to fall even deeper into you, diving into unknown waters with blind fates and silent confessions of love. 

Your relationship was practical — literal and convenient, full of compromise but in a good way. You both were almost always on the same page of what should be done and how to do it, and if not, you two know that it's the best to give it a rest and understand. The balance, that kind of synchrony — it was something you both need, was something you liked about your dynamic; the fact that the partnership was there and you're certain of no taking more than you could give and no giving of less than you deserve. For once, you feel like you aren't pouring liquid into a leaking jar, and you feel content at the warmth he gives you with.

Renjun never made you feel this way; he didn't make enough accommodations for your relationship and you didn't voice out your expectations of him, you just wished he magically knew. Because he always knew that you would understand and other people wouldn't, he ended up giving you most of the weight of the relationship you both should've carried together. Mark was everything you hoped Renjun was; this is where the conflict begins.

When love is fueled by what the past wasn't able to give and what the present is willing to offer, you end up falling for the ideas and not the person. He makes up to what Renjun didn't, he filled to the brim what Renjun wasn't able to, he satiates what Renjun couldn't satisfy. You always saw the things Mark did as what you expected from someone else, so you weren't able to appreciate them as they are. You never truly saw him as Mark Lee who loves you, always as the boy who did everything the last didn't. 

Just as any relationship that revolves around somebody who's not involved, the conclusion was something you saw coming. It comes with tired eyes and worn out sighs, burned out hearts and linked fingers, sour hearts turning bitter. Mark doesn't look at you at all, and you keep your eyes set to the stars.

"The thing with me is I always long for consistency — for someone to understand me and stay understanding of me forever." He breathes out, voice raw. Did he scream? Was he screaming in those empty spaces you two gave each other? In any of those yells, did he call your name? You think you need to yell at the top of your lungs just to hear a sound louder than your heartbreak. He chuckles before continuing, "And I know that it doesn't exist and it never will. I knew that since childhood, but even if I continue disappointing myself, I never stopped hoping."

His shoulders drop — he feels that weak that time, even his knees buckle down and his eyes sting from holding back tears. "So baby, don't play with me," he whispers, more begging than warning and he falls apart, "I don't need a chase — I need someone to wait for the end with."

There's a whine at the back of your throat, but you settle with looking at his direction with an apologetic call of his name. He doesn't reply.

Mark never knew that he could fall in love with the same person all over again even during a break-up. You're just lovely like that — always dancing in your daydreams while you carry the world on your back. Mark feels his breath catch at his throat, he feels his palms go numb, he feels his heart going haywire and begging him so desperately because no, no, don't let go, please, don't let go! 

"There's a huge difference between how much I love you, and how much I can take." He finally spares you a glance, his everything so spent and lonely and blue in a way that isn't the calm of an ocean. "If you can't love me, then please let me go."

Mark knew your answer when you smiled.

────── ❁ ──────

The trip to the coffee shop was slow and empty and chilly, your hands trembling in need to get a hold of warm coffee and your feet taking little steps to such a familiar place. Honestly, you don't even know why you're letting yourself go there — why do you keep on doing this, torturing yourself? You don't even know — maybe you came here to reminisce the past, hold it close one last time before letting it go. Maybe you're here to remember how Mark was, how he was before he met you — oh, how you wish he didn't meet you. How badly you wish he never did, how you wish he never offered you a seat, his comfort, his love, a place in his heart. How you wish you didn't steal the sparkles in his eyes, and at that very moment, you feel the sudden urge to turn around. 

But you're already pushing the glass door wide open, causing the chimes to make that delightful sound.

"Good...!" the cheery voice fades, a concerned look adorning exhausted eyes, "...evening. The usual?"

You hum, nodding soullessly. The boy — Jeno, quietly works your order until he decides he's had enough of you rubbing your cheeks raw wiping down tears. He sighs and finishes your drink, hands it to you with a sympathizing smile, "Uh, you don't look fine, but are you okay?"

You suppress a giggle and a glare — why does he care? But you're lonely, too lonely, so lonely that you only manage a nod, "Rough time. I wish today didn't happen."

"Oh, but other people had the best day of their lives today. They wouldn't experience that day if today didn't happen," he smiles, flashes of child-like optimism and hopes hinting behind the sleepy glaze in his eyes. "You're on your way to yours."

And while on any other day, his reply would have made you annoyed, you find that he's right, and wish that he indeed is. You feel like it's the only right that didn't go wrong today.

Something warns you that you shouldn't be getting yourself caught in his strings and his ways, but you find yourself straying around his orbit. You were lonely. It was that bad — so bad that you found comfort in everything and everyone and Lee Jeno just happened to be convenient; It's just safe to be around each other, and that's what great friends are supposed to be, right? Jeno doesn't judge and he doesn't pry when you tell him not to push it, and he tries to understand without forcing you to make him if you're not ready. Lee Jeno had a soul like comfort and a smile like a piece of home. You insist that you had no interest in either, but with you so down and him the only thing pulling you up, you couldn't help but let him in.

You think some people are just like that — timeless souls stuck in mortal bodies, liquid gold; glowing and burning and bright and hopeful, stars. They're like stars — human stars.

He's always beside you, you see, Lee Jeno. He answers the dumbest questions and the deeper ones, he stays up listening to your heartaches and struggles. He knows a lot about you — never everything, but they're more than enough — and you know about him, too. It's a dangerous edge you two are leaning far too close to tipping over, and still, your gaze screams life and hope and energy, Jeno thinks he doesn't mind. He remembers earlier memories with him crumbling under your fingertips, tears in his eyes.

"Mark Lee... he's not replaceable and I'm not a replacement..." he shifts his eyes down, can't bring it to him to just look at you without breaking himself. He manages a heartwrenching smile, "but I think I'd rather be a replacement rather than a distraction, darling."

But you looked at him and cup his cheeks and kiss his forehead so mellowly, assuring him that he's neither. The storm in his heart stops and all his insecurities don't matter, and Jeno doesn't think he ever felt this good — so light, so dreamy. Your touch brings comfort, much like lullabies, and after years on insufferable insomnia, Jeno falls asleep.

Your gaze, too. If you continue looking at him that way, he doesn't think he'll mind anything.

"Thanks, Jen. For the coffee," you say with a smile, another night spent with him at the coffee shop. These days, you spend most of your free time waiting for his shift to end, watching him stutter and flush every time he realizes you've been watching him. There's a giddy feeling spreading inside your gut as you continue, "and for staying with me. That was so thoughtful of you — how much lovelier can you be?"

He laughs, shaking his head. He sighs, "Stop it. You're giving me hope."

Your heart skips a beat.

"Oh, but I want to," you quickly roll your eyes, an attempt to faux cool control, your expression immediately shifting to something welcoming and soft just enough that his chest tightens. Jeno feels kind of odd — a good kind of odd, a welcomed sensation. You beam up at him with glassy eyes. Jeno shifts his to his shoelaces.

"Don't do that."

"Jen..."

"I love you," he confesses, shallow breaths coming in quick intervals. The floor seems to sway under his feet and the skies feel like they're swirls of dripping liquid, and it's hard to even breathe, let alone swallow the bitterness of his words, "But I would rather have you not say it back than hear you not mean it."

"I'm... I— Jen," you gasp out, fast to hold his hands to try to keep him down. For a reason or two, you feel like crying. Jeno feels lost. "I'm falling."

But you're not, and you don't know why you said it, but there's a galaxy in his eyes and the universe so beautifully laid down in his mind and he's pulling you close, tears in his eyes, this boy. Lee Jeno who's so in love with you, Lee Jeno who's hopelessly whipped, Lee Jeno — your sweet, sweet boy. You look up to him and shakily whispers, "Please catch me."

Jeno looks at the luminaries and wonders what it would feel like if one day he looks into the very same orbs only to find that the stars have fallen.

The wind blows gently, the coldness of the place prickling his skin, but Jeno doesn't think it's what caused the flush to rise on his cheeks. He stutters, curses a little, says again those little words and dives for a kiss — you feel like it's the best night ever; no nightmare, just pure bliss. 

You blindly walk the path inside your house, dropping your belongings on either of your sides. You try to keep your knees from buckling as you bring yourself to your bathroom, stripping off your clothes. You lean your back to the cold tile walls of your shower, feeling the rush of water that is supposed to drown your thoughts not doing anything to keep them at bay. What have I done?

Loving Jeno is easy, though, far too easy if you may. He's so full of love and in need of affection but never asks for them, and you're more than glad to give all of that to him without words needed. The days with him have been light-hearted, felt deeply nonetheless. In this little world, it's you and him, him and you, no one else. Right? Is that right? Do you promise?

Jeno knocks at your home one day, sullen and lethargic. He spreads his arms out for a hug, one you throw yourself into without hesitation. He leans into the touch, leaning down to burry his head on the crook of your neck, "Thank you, baby."

Your brows draw closer, "For what?"

"You were never mine, but you were always lonely." He suddenly says, He suddenly says, voice fading weak and unstable. There's warm tears dampening your shoulder, and he shakes ever so slightly that you panic and try to pull away, but he doesn't let you. Instead, he continues, "In my twisted logic, I made myself believe that it's the same."

"What are you saying, Jen?" You laugh, a bit confused and a lot afraid. "I love you."

"No, please, don't say that," his reply baffles you. When he lets you go, Jeno has a certain saddened look in his eyes, and it feels so familiar that you should be numb to it by now. You're not, though, and so you pretend to not know where this all would lead. He pulls you in again and hugs you tighter, "Let me tell you that I love you without you answering back, please."

The boy breathes out shakily, "I want us to have at least one memory that isn't a lie."

And then Lee Jeno says goodbye.

────── ❁ ──────

Park Jisung is the clumsy florist who keeps breaking vases in the flower shop his cousin owns, just several blocks away from the kindergarten both your nephews attended. You meet him one too many times you had to pick the little boy up, and talked to him finally one fine Tuesday when you decided flowers would be nice, out of random. You become friends from then on. 

This thing you have with Jisung is something lovely, child-like, and carefree. It doesn't put any pressure on you — there are expectations, but they're all voiced out and kept healthy. You're friends — great friends, not best friends — whose dynamic is not necessarily convenient. It's safe to say that some people think you have a complicated relationship.

You think, not really. Not to the two of you, at least — Jisung just knows when you're down and in need to be left alone or cuddled, while you know when he needs to cry or if he's pushing himself to his limits. He knows what flower you hold most dear, your treasured scent, your favorite shade of yellow. You know his most loved tracks, the beat he looks the happiest humming to, the color of his dreams. It's much more simple than that — it's just that you two have fun, even with your differences, and when you're together, everything else just fades away.

You just... don't like being alone. Jisung doesn't like not having company — well, there are indeed people he doesn't want to be accompanied by, but he doesn't like being the only one walking alone in crowds of many. He doesn't make your heart skip, not really, instead it's just a warm feeling in your chest, much like home. He doesn't make you nervous — not at all, but he does make you feel safe. Comforted, even. It's the type of love you've always yearned for, the only kind of love he's comfortable with.

"You dance?" Your eyes widen in surprise, dropping your book on the table. Then you smile, "Oh? Aren't you full of surprises?" 

"Mhm, you'll see." He says with embarrassment hinting his voice, but then he stops arranging the flowers and looks at where you're sitting. "You? Aren't you full of surprises, too?"

You pick up your book, a sudden low, shrugging. "It won't be a surprise if I say now, wouldn't it?"

He just shakes his head, tries to lift the vase to the other side and accidentally knocks another one down. You laugh at him, curious at how much control he has over his body that he must be able to dance so fluidly, hit the beat like it's what he's born for, and yet he can't seem to hold a vase and not break it. Jisung giggles, taking it lightly. You wish he didn't. 

The days with Jisung are filled with your favorite bouquets and post-it notes. Each and every day, the words written inside changes from 'You did well', until it develops to 'I hope you smiled today,' 'I wish something good happened today,' and 'You're really, really pretty.' He'd take you to little uphills, asks you to teach him how to make floral crowns from wildflowers, dance with you barefoot under bright daylight. A little summer, a certain person, your most dreaded feeling of having someone mean so much that you let flowers bloom in your chest until it's so hard to breathe and you cough them up.

"My parents asked me to study dance in another country," he mumbles one day, a shaky breath leaving his lips, "Please give me a reason not to go."

"Chase your drive, Sungie," you whisper back. You lean your head further to his chest, safe and warm and fading, "I love you, so choose your dreams over me."

There's the slightest hint of betrayal in his voice, a tinge of rejection in his eyes, "If you love me, why would you make me choose?"

If you love me, why can't you choose me? You selfishly ask, the kid in you whining at the thought of being left alone. The greedy part of you begs to ask him to stay, the needy part of you wants to hug him until he's so full of you that he forgets even the bare thought of wanting anything else. The silent voice inside you, the one that learned and keeps learning, the one that could've saved you so many times if you listened to it, sighs sadly. Don't risk anyone's future for your present, it seems to say.

"Because I love myself too," you look directly to his eyes, cupping his cheeks in between your palms, "and we need to put ourselves before anybody else."

And yet again, you're starstruck by the almost golden swirls in his irises, a peek of his soul. You think his eyes are beautiful — astounding, art worthy, a sight to never get tired of. He thinks they're only beautiful because he's looking at you.

This thing with Jisung isn't something you should've let go. You shouldn't have let him go but you weren't ready and the last thing you wanted was to hurt someone who held you so close beautifully. He didn't mean to, though — it was just too hard not to go overboard, and the next thing he knew, he was in love. He didn't mean to, so he walks you home the last night, hand in hand with a certain something hidden underneath his mellow smile. Jisung stands in front of you, waiting for you to open your gates, but you don't move. You stay basking in the tenderness of his gaze.

You think the little problem is that he's even more breathtaking up close and in silence, when the night feels so dead that it thrives — you feel like if you weren't so broken, if you don't keep on seeing another person when you look at him in the eyes, if you let go of the past, Jisung would be everything your heart desired. It just so happened that you two are both too infinite for forever, too broken to fix anything for the latter. Jisung was too charming — his smile was one that doesn't ask for attention but still steals it, never content with just taking your breath away so he takes with him your mind and soul.

You can't handle losing any more of yourself, though, so you smile, "Thank you for waiting."

"I have always been waiting for you," he grins shyly. You make a mental note to remember him like this — dyed locks a mess on top of his head and glasses messily perched on his nose bridge, tall and too pretty to be real, eyes so loving and expressive. There's an obvious sorrow in his voice, "Without fail, consistently, inevitably, forevermore."

You smile, standing on your tiptoes to press a kiss on his cheeks, "Good night, Jisung."

The last note comes in between the pages of your notebook, a pretty pastel purple accompanied by pressed wildflowers. There, in his messy letters and colorful ink, reads a confession:

Maybe I couldn't stop myself from falling because it felt like flying with you.

You shake your head, sigh reading 'I told you not to do that'. Still, you feel a tug at your chest, a link between the two of you in the sense that you seem to be moving in synchrony with these words — Park Jisung is your last love, you swear. You shift your eyes, tired of the same chain all over again, flipping the note to read the words behind them. 

When you find the right love at the wrong time, what will you do to make it work? 

You sigh to yourself as you read the question, tracing the pristine paper with your pen, and finally, finally you smile;

Let it go. Set it free, because the greatest love of all is the one that lets you grow.

You tilt your head up, holding back the tears that threaten to spill from your eyes. 

────── ❁ ──────

Zhong Chenle invades your life like a hurricane of mixed emotions, a little like three months just in time when you finally decided you've had enough heartbreaks. You meet him from one of your friends, Qian Kun, and literally had to stop and wonder how in the world he managed to find this thing — you can't help it, alright? Chenle just stood silent and proud, clad in leather and rumors and reputations and reeking of expensive. He comes in the scene like thoughts as turbulent as unwanted flashbacks and as easily as finding trouble looking for the right answer when you're in a rush.

Quickly as he entered your life, he became a friend; you're too familiar with this scene, but you've had enough. You can't take any more. You've spent most of your life haunted by sugar smiles and breathy laughs and in exchange, had yourself break everything you wanted to keep intact. It doesn't matter that he's not at all what he's perceived to be, it doesn't matter that he makes your breath hitch. You don't even care what you're going against with, if it's fate or heavenly beings or the world — no more. You can't anymore.

The world is the ocean and the ocean is a God — people are mere sailors who think they're stronger than the tides, but they're not; once the waters have made their decision to kill you, there's no reason you should fear the phenomenons trying to do you harm. It seems like it's made that plan, that thing you hoped so much you wouldn't do. Chenle knows so he smiles at you brightly, "Don't you dare run away from what you're feeling."

"Else what, you gonna run after me?" You bite back just for the sake of it, laughter bubbling from your throat, "Gonna go chase me down?"

He shrugs, taking a challenge and a risk, "You better not regret."

"Absolutely fucking not." Kun hisses after you've told him what happened, months after you've started dating and you're tired of hiding it already. Your friends already tease you about getting together, anyway, so why should you even hide? Apparently, this. The profanities leaving his mouth should worry you, really, but it doesn't; not as much as his disagreement. Still, you couldn't even bother to ask him why because you see it in his eyes — you know him that much, you're familiar with that look — "You're not in love with Chenle, please, we both know this."

"I am in love with him!" You say, hurt. The look in his eyes softens, but the pain of his word doesn't, neither does his determination, "Kun, please. I didn't tell you just so you could lecture me, I told you because you're my friend! I do love him!"

"Are you, really? In love with him, you say? Completely?" Your eyes shift to the side after his statement, the lack of sarcasm and warmth in his tone both bothering you. You want to cry. When you look at Kun, you find he feels just as much. "You're not in love with him in the way he deserves."

There's a dry chuckle leaving your lips as you grab your bag, standing up with a tear slowly rolling down in your cheek. More than devastation, there's a certain withering look in your eyes. Kun tries to apologize, but you're already moving away from him. The betrayal in your voice is impossible to ignore and forget, "How dare you make accusations about how I'm feeling?"

Falling in love with Chenle wasn't in the plan; in fact, you hardly even had any plans to begin with. As another fact, the only plan was to not fall in love with anyone anymore. Plans are ever-changing things, you'd always counter, they depend on the situation. When Chenle came in your life, you figure there happened to be another shift — something significant had changed, a good change.

Maybe it is why you didn't even take Kun seriously. You've always hoped that all those lows would lead to this point, the part where there's content spreading on your chest, a feeling just as bright as the luminescent blanket of embedded diamonds and rubies, a sky full of stars. By your side, the boy looks at you with eyes shining just as much; Zhong Chenle, badly misunderstood, so truly loved. You couldn't help but pull him in a kiss — giggly and messy, chaste and ever so delicate. 

You think you could spend lifetimes just staring at him. You swore on it, really, to not be in love with him. More than anybody else, you hoped to fate that you'll never fall in love again. It's just that this person — Zhong Chenle, he has a tendency to be very addicting, and oh, how easily addicted you are. His kiss a lovely burn against your lips, his words a heavenly whisper to your ear, his existence a delightful surprise. You find it inevitable to fall because of the many similar nights before this, just weeks after you two met. Those days where you two were laughing way too hard for midnight and your heart blossomed with happiness it hasn't felt for long. It's the sweetest kind of doom.

It's doom, nonetheless. 

"With whom was your first relationship with?" Chenle suddenly asks, no hint of jealousy in his eyes, but there is, aside from pure curiosity, something else — lost, baffled, seeking an explanation for something he doesn't even think he should know. "I mean, you're mine. You're my first love, but I know I'm not yours, and I'm curious. "

"You don't even know him, Lele." You laugh, trying to hide your hesitation. The boy insists, says that he just needs a name. You roll your eyes affectionately, "Huang Renjun. He's a great guy, but timing kinda messed up."

Chenle hums appreciatively, but he stops trying to find constellations and making up shapes of his own; instead, he dives in a pool thoughts deeper than the dark. He thinks of what he doesn't know if he believes in, but he keeps his eyes up at the stars and hopes to God that his life wasn't such a movie; he stays quiet.

"Who's Jaemin, then?" The question comes, harmless but shocking nonetheless. Chenle breaks his stare from the dull-starred sky and looks at you with a smile brighter than daylight. His question makes your gut twist. "Jaemin who danced with you under the rain... Jaemin who made your day with corny jokes, with late-night talks, with coffee, with notes."

You don't reply, so he ponders some more. He thinks about walking the streets holding hands, he thinks of cheek kisses. He thinks of waking up tomorrow and doing all of that with you. He looks forward to a couple of years — maybe you'll move in together, maybe you'll share a place and clothes and everything. He thinks of counting down the memories, having lived most of his life satisfied. Chenle thinks of doing it all with you; someone who takes tragedies and turns them into masterpieces. Someone who sings sad songs with a saccharine smile.

"Jaemin with a reputation, known for all the wrong reasons..." his eyes cast down, dull and slowly piecing everything together, "Just like me."

He thinks of a vow, a promise — to the stars, till dawn do us part. He thinks of how near the sun is from rising, and he thinks of silhouette, of being hidden behind one. You don't answer until then, so he just takes it as your reply.

"You don't have to. I already know," he smiles, fingers entwining with yours. "Maybe I just hoped that I didn't have to find out from Kun."

Chenle is innocent, kind of naive. He wears his heart on his sleeves and gifts its pieces to anyone who dares to get to know him. He loves a lot — his friends, his family, stars. A person who grieves the loss of midnight too, when the stars start to fade; you. Because of that, he could forgive anything you did and would do.

It's one of his many ways of love, you see, this thing you have going on. Chenle's just like that — you never know just how much more he can give before he runs out; there's just so much of him and it's difficult to put it into words. He's shown you how he treasures relationships, how he adores everything around him in each and every time a different way and kind. He's shown you so much, all the ways he displays his affection with, this little magic trick. That's not all of it, though, and a little part of you sinks because of the fact that a lifetime will not be sufficient enough for you to know just what this love is, completely, because every passing moment, the boy falls for something; each fondness different from the lasts.

Chenle just loves like that; so much that he doesn't mind being loved for carrying pieces of another person — being adored simply because he made you remember what you didn't want to forget. He thinks, if he doesn't think it matters, it wouldn't; he prays that if he doesn't bring it up, you'd forget. He's loved you for so long but you know so little of his kind of love; ever so pure and limitless, impossible to define and dictate. 

When he holds your hands, though, you feel like it's enough — it's enough to have known slightly more than what you think you should.

"You give too much," are the only words that you were able to form. He looks at you as if to ask if you think so, and you feel the time stop for a bit when he leans his head on your shoulders, his dark locks tickling your skin. You laugh, humorless and sentimental, "Isn't it about time you'd learn to love within limits?"

"You're brilliant, you know?" He mumbles, albeit sleepily. "Kind of infinite. There are no restrictions in the love you deserve."

Something about brilliant just hits so different from beautiful — something so damning and sweet and you feel it again; just how much love you have in you, how much of it you are willing to give. Maybe boundaries really aren't your thing, maybe its the reason why you let Chenle adore you beyond what you know you can take, why you allowed him to give more than he should've given. Maybe it's why you poured affection after affection without conditions — maybe that's why you were selfish enough to love shadows. Maybe it's as most people say — you tend to burn too bright, to share too much of yourself, and not everybody can handle that. You're a bit too much for others. Maybe it's why you find yourself sitting down, pen roughly scribbling on paper.

Somewhere, there's a soul aching for your love... but no matter how much we try, we know it's not here, with me.

────── ❁ ──────

Kun doesn't knock at your door until a few weeks later, and whether it was him giving you space or him not being able to leave Chenle alone, you think of it as a blessing in disguise. It wasn't even after a week or two that you found it in you to get your life together — fake it till you make it, clean up your home, clean up your mess. You greet him with a smile on your face, tears prickling your eyes, "Come in."

Kun doesn't even say anything, he just puts the snacks he bought somewhere and crashes the sofa. He turns off the television, eyes the clearly was-messy place, and huffs at you, "It's just me. You don't have to play cool with me when you're feeling so broken."

"You're acting so much like Kim Dongyoung." You whisper just enough that he could hear before making your way to him and sobbing in his arms. Kun lets you stay like that, his hands threading your hair and affectionately patting your back, a soft 'I told you you're not ready yet' that's less scolding than it is loving. You stop crying then, just miserable sobs and sniffles, and he stands up to get you a cup of water. You look at him.

 "Thank you, Kun."

Suddenly, his not amused expression is back. He moves away a little, placing a strict space in between the two of you, and then directly looks into your eyes, "Were you ever gonna tell me?"

"Tell you what?"

"Were you ever gonna tell me, or was I just supposed to learn about it after you've left?"'

"Kun," you breathe deeply, "I need to."

"For who?" He asks, hoping that amongst the reasons read your name. Are you finally choosing yourself? Is it still because of other people? He wants to ask, but his voice keeps failing him and all he can whisper is words about how he's proud of you, how much you've endured, how badly he wishes to ease the pain. Kun doesn't look at you with disappointment, with hurt; he looks at you with pure utter understanding, and you find it in you, a reason to smile.

────── ❁ ──────

You can't help but reminisce things as you walk from your home to the train station, neither can you when you asked the person in charge for which train will get you out of the place the quickest. You didn't really have plans, you never did, and perhaps that's where everything starts to go wrong; you just forget things, or at least, you try to suppress them. You never tried to solve anything.

This town knew too much — there are memories of Renjun on the trail from here to the benches, flashes of Donghyuck's sly grin meeting your gaze in the reflection of the glass whenever you look at the vending machines. You feel like you've walked every street in here, hand in hand with Mark, like you've danced under all these blinking lights with Jisung, like you've been to everywhere with Chenle. There is so much to remember, and this place can't hold them all and it breaks your heart so much, knowing that many things are meant to be memories, but not all memories should be remembered. You close your eyes in silent hopes that no matter how painful, you never forget one second.

It was impossible, surely, but you think that the thought of being able to recall them completely will be enough to keep you company. Even until now, you don't really want to be alone — some people are just not meant to be by themselves, and sometimes those people aren't really good at settling down either — being one of them, you leap from one crumbling bridge to another, hoping to never feel the pain of a great fall. There was never an end where you didn't. 

Waiting for the train to board, you look back to a certain place in time. The one where you think everything began.

Your first love is something you remember vividly. It came in the form of childhood crushes, wildflowers, and ruined playgrounds. It's a coincidental meeting; you were running away from your house, tired of the yelling and the crashing and the constant fear in your little heart, while he was sneaking away from his house to play more because he's a 'rebel'. Your first heartbreak takes some years forward, years just a little far from now even if it feels like it's been forever standing here, waiting for an uncertain return.

Until now, you think that it was that night under a rusty slide and above dry leaves when your life started to change.

You meet again with Na Jaemin just minutes before your train arrives, a brief eye-contact and a skip of heart and it doesn't take so much for you to know; those eyes, that smile, the red string sitting too tightly on his wrist. You remember what promise that meant — you know that, right? The thing they say about red strings, how they connect people? — and what childish hope that strand held — if we wear this, we would always find our way to each other, because we have a red string connecting us now! You remember, you do, really — of course, you do; how you could you ever forget him? Surely, maybe he's grown a lot, and everything about him has changed, he even dyed his soft hair blue. You're certain, though, you knew that it's him — maybe the red string worked. Maybe it's the butterfly effect and the heartbreaks your heart and several others nursed. Maybe it's the look in his eyes that remained soft and sweet and honest.

You miss your train, but you can't help but feel like you're just in time.

"Jae—" you choke, eyes wide and shocked, "Jaemin!"

────── ❁ ──────

Na Jaemin meets you again on a busy train station, three years ago after he just came back in town for a visit. He remembers the punch in his gut at the sight of your face, the red string delicately wrapped on your wrist, far too small but still so beautiful. He remembers the sullen look on your face, the realization dawning on him that you're late for your class and he chuckles; you never really made it in time for school, even as a child. The rain pours and he has to fiddle his bag for his umbrella, opens it so that he could let you in. When he takes a step closer though, you were talking to another boy, and Jaemin thinks he's the one a little late.

He comes across you a lot of times next to that, too, but never when you're alone. He thinks, his timing is a mildly off as well. Every time he tries to come and talk to you — when you were sitting alone in the middle of a busy restaurant, inside the coffee shop, in front of his niece's kindergarten — there was always somebody else. It reminds him of back then, one of your conflicts as you started to grow up and apart; the many times you needed each other and the other person is too caught up needing someone else. Jaemin thinks that the beat you both are dancing to is a little too delayed.

Jaemin remembers meeting a boy just as blue as him, a face a little familiar, smiling longingly at the two dancing under the moon. He remembers eyes as regretful as his, he remembers a smile, "They look so happy, don't they?"

None of that matters, though, not when he's pulling you into a hug and dragging you to a rooftop, not when you're several floors off the ground and beside you is Na Jaemin, sitting side by side, with eyes that take you back to the past and makes you hope for an unbroken present.

When you two stand under the bright sky and you stare at him instead of gushing about flying, Jaemin realizes just how drastically different this present is. If the look in your eyes says anything, he's certain that you feel the same.

You have just always been waiting for this moment, you know? And you missed your train, but you were just in time to meet Jaemin, and the rush of affection cleared all the lines you had to cross and everything was light and filled with teary laughter before right now. You've had it planned, the both of you, multiple scenarios where you two could meet again — none of them are this way. It's awkward and tense and the other feels so far away; this wasn't how things were supposed to go.

Jaemin could leave. He should leave, he figures, thinking that it's always been what he's best at. It's not working, anyway; maybe it was him being gone and you going through so much, maybe it's life knocking some sense in the both of you, but none of that matters — it's not working. It's just like this, relationships — two people could start at the same point and still go separate ways. It's not meant to be. He could leave, forget, maybe he'd find enough courage that he marks this chapter closed and finally, finally stop thinking of childhood feelings and even the grown-up ones. He could find a new beginning in this chapter closed.

That's the way it goes, anyway, right? Some ends feel like new starting points. Jaemin could drop it here. He could make it easier for himself, he'd be able to say this isn't working and he'd be back to his normal self; the one that looks at you and looks for you in a way that he did before falling in love. He could be young and free, away from untold reasons and unsaid apologies and undelivered feelings. He could make it easier for himself.

But to hell with ease, he didn’t want to.

"Remember, back then, we would always sneak out to play in the rain?" Jaemin is the first to break the silence, "And we look at flowers... you used to cry at everything back then!"

You flick his arm at that, and he sits on the floor next to the railing because he couldn't hold himself up anymore, laughing. Even until now, this still feels like a very vivid dream. You spend the night trying to believe that this is reality — Jaemin does the same.

Fate has a tendency to bring people apart and put them back together again, so you can't really help it that Jaemin was months and weeks away from leaving the town again. There was a point where you cursed time — you just found him, and now, why is he being taken away from you? There was a time where Jaemin thought you weren't meant to be — if you are, then why do you keep on being forced apart?

He thinks he really should stop thinking this way. It's just something really odd, this love stuff, because it's never really just one thing but rather a couple of many nothings to make up an entirely different, supposedly magical occurrence. Love is never just love — it's oftentimes euphoria with even the slightest glimpse of devastation. Jaemin doesn't think he understands why the both of you try so hard to make it easy — no matter how difficult, he knows it's worth it, knows that he'll fight for it.

Jaemin spends his last day in this place smiling, cupping your cheeks as he stands in the middle of a busy train station yet again, this time, with you in his reach. The skies are dark but his smile is bright, and it burns brighter when you flush after asking him why he's staring at you so hard. The boy cooes, "Perfect should try to be you."

"If perfect was me, perfect would be a mess," you quickly counter even through you being too flustered. In your absolute anxiety, you think that everyone is looking and judging you. With the way Jaemin is staring at you, you don't think you'd mind even if they whisper things so mean.

"A lovable mess," he raspily whispers, sincerity in his gaze and honesty in his words. Jaemin smiles, "I can't make this up. I fall for you several times a day, repeatedly."

Jaemin lets go of your face and dips in to kiss your forehead, and then he giddily messes your hair. You can't even bring it in you to get mad — you have several minutes and you have so much to say and the time is too little, your words are so limited. Jaemin asks for your hands and leaves a red string, identical to the ones you gave each other as children but bigger and adorned with the tiniest butterfly charm. You look at him, confused, "What's this?"

"A farewell gift, and something I'll definitely come back for," he flicks your forehead as if to say it's so obvious, and you can't help but feel like time is running out all over again. You breathe, unsteady and ragged, a desperate call of his name, "Na Jaemin?"

He doesn't answer, but he wipes the tears streaming down your face and he hums.

"I'm so happy that the ending is me and you." You finally confess, taking him aback. You smile, sweet and cruelly beautiful, brutally emotional, and if there were no children around and Jaemin was a tad bit more shameless, he would pull you into a deep kiss. He couldn't, though, so he just gapes and stares and listens.

"I'm so happy that it's back to you."

As the train boards, you find yourself realizing how tough the world gets — the lovely, sinking feeling lingering in your chest as you recall the highs and the lows of life and fate.

You've had far too many great loves in your life, so much that using the term would probably not sound special anymore to other people — but they're different, each one of them, the way they loved distinct at least — and this one, just this one, Na Jaemin, by far, is the greatest.

The end is sweet and lovely, if a bit sour and bitter. The end is where you hopefully find yourself.

────── ❁ ──────

"Mom and dad keeps on fighting. " your nephew murmurs under his breath, one sunny Friday spent walking on streets that are cooling down, on the way to what must be the happiest place on Earth for a kid. "Do you think they don't love each other anymore?"

You nervously scratch your nape, thinking of easy ways to reply to the question. You think of your childhood, how you spent most of it dreaming of love. How until today, the thought of it still haunts you. You just shrug, "People just have some bad days, but look, they're still together, right?" he nods, and you feel a blossom of proudness in your chest, "They love each other, and that's why they had you."

The kid suddenly frowns, "Why do people get together, then?"

You halt your steps before continuing, on the verge of asking why he asked that question before you realize that it's your nephew, anyway. He loves holding mature conversations even if he doesn't understand anything, he likes asking away and being taken seriously, like an adult. You chuckle, "Uhm, because people make each other happy!"

"Why don't you have someone, then?" You don't know how to answer his question, and neither did you expect it. He looks too interested to be brushed off. "You said people make other people happy!"

"Hm, well, I do have someone," you think of sugar smiles and giggly kisses as you say those words. There's a comforted exhale leaving your lips as you look down on the kid, "But, he's not the only reason I'm happy... I'm happy with myself, without him."

"Do you not love him, then? Because you're happy without him?"

"I love him, I do, a lot! We went through a lot to find each other again," you smile kindly, patient. "But it's a different kind of love, just like how it is a different kind of happy with him."

His lips jut out, wondering about things not so completely disconnected from his first questions. He then sighs as if he's carrying the weight of the world, "If you had to find each other again, it means one of you left. Why did one of you leave if you love each other, then?"

Why?

"Well, you see, maybe..." there's no answer pouring from your lips, but emotions threaten to spill from your eyes and then down your cheeks. The child won't understand your tears, though, so you think of familiar faces and the one you entwined your fingers with, like home. You keep your head held high. "Maybe it's so that we could find each other again in a time where we would be better versions of ourselves."

It's not enough to sate his curious mind. "But if he's almost always never here, how are you supposed to know if he's the love you're supposed to have, then?"

"The love I'm meant to find has always been here, within me," you say genuinely, and the child, ever so confused but curious, remains silent to understand. You shake your head a bit, "but with him, this love grows bigger and bigger, and it helps us cross any kind of distance between us."

Finally satisfied, he stops asking questions at the sight of his most favorite place, muttering incomprehensible gibberish as he tugs you closer to the entrance. Then you think of how happy you are to be standing under this sky, above this ground — you think of the butterfly effect, all the little moments and major events, and everything that passed and will forever remain remembered. You think of all that lead you to this.

You look at the reflection of yourself from the glass walls of the candy shop, and you couldn't help a smile. The look in your eyes screams dreamy as you push open the door. This is it — you're on the way to loving yourself. 

Welcome home.

[kuronanox]

A new beginning - Ichigo Kurosaki

It was another raining day in Karakura town for Ichigo, life was moving by slowly. He was thankful because it made him feel less old than he really was. The shinigami work was slow because the young rookies did most of the work and the hollows weren't big threats to the town.  

It's been about 3 years since he had gotten into a divorce, when he heard that rukia had moved on with her life he decided maybe it was his turn also. It's not that Orihime was a bad wife it's just that the love wasn't there for him anymore. Of course he would always love her but not into the intimate way. He didn't take custody of kazui so his son lived with Orihime while he stayed back at the same place he grew up at. Although they both agreed there would be no bad blood between the two they both provide kazui with love and care.

Ichigo and Kazui were at the park when it started to poor cats and dogs outside, he remembered checking the weather and it was suppose to be sunny all day. He didn't bring an umbrella so they made a run for it and stopped by the nearest cafe to wait the storm out.

"Ichigo?" (Your Name) called out from behind the counter, he looks back with widen eyes to see an old friend. Someone he never expected to see. "(Your Name)." He says and smiles, it has been probably 8 or more years since she last saw him.

"I can't believe it's you!" She says and runs to give him a big hug. "What are you doing back in japan?!" He says with a big grin on his face as Kazui stares at his dad in confusion. He's never seen his dad hug a girl before besides his mother so the little boy looks at (Your Name) and takes in her features. She was medium height, and her hair was lightly curled with the light of the store shining on her hair she looked pretty. Kazui blushed as she then looks at him.

"Is this your son?" She asks happily and extends her hands out to grab the smaller ones. Kazui shyly hides behind Ichigo and Ichigo cooly just scratches the back of his head and nods. "Yeah this is my son."

"Oh! How's Orihime! I came back to japan 3 years ago and I lost everyone's contacts so I've been basically alone since." (Your Name) recalls as she seats them down and plates a few deserts for the two.

"Well, me and Orihime are no longer together." He says laughing to break the tension and looks at his son who was to busy throwing down the macaroons in his mouth to pay any attention. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that." She says smiling lightly so she could keep the atmosphere more light.

"Um well, it's nice to finally get to see you again!" (Your Name) says and takes a seat with the two. "This is my cafe by the way."

Ichigo takes a look at the surroundings, it was cute. He guessed this was her place because it brought him back to high school when they were really close. The place was artsy like she was.

"So you haven't seen anyone since you got back from America?" He starts the conversation again as she leans onto her elbows and nods.

"Yeah it's been so long, I decided to come back because I didn't like America as much as I thought I would. After you defeated ywach and everyone got married I decided to make a new life somewhere else but as years passed I didn't really meet anyone significant so I decided to come back to Japan."

Ichigo looks out the window and could only agree, he often wonder if he rushed into marriage or falling in love and wondering why it fell apart fast. "How's rukia? Still like her?" She jokingly asks whispering so the little boy next to them wouldn't hear.

"Oi shut it will you!" Ichigo sighs and rolls his eyes. "Don't lie! I miss her sometimes too."

(Your Name) smiles sadly and recalled when they were all so young. When Ichigo found out the Rukia and Renji were going to be wed he asked out Orihime. (Your Name) had fought side by side with them for the years that the world was threaten and never once she ever showed any interest on Ichigo because she knew that Orihime already claimed him hers so she stayed in the shadows and then the two got married so she left for a better life.

"How old is your son now?"

"He's 10, the little shit is growing fast." He smiles and ruffles the kids hair as (Your Name) smiles.

"I guess I've been gone for a long time."

"Yeah, I've miss you sometimes." Ichigo admitted as she looks at him. He was definitely older and more mature, the boyish haircut was gone now and he had very faint wrinkles around his eyes whenever he smiled.

"Me too. Sometimes I wish I didn't leave japan but I can't say that. I enjoyed America too."

They talked for hours till it was night and Kazui had fell asleep. "I can drive the two of you home, it's dark outside." She offered even though Ichigo refused a few times till he gave in and she closed the cafe down for the day.

"Still living at the same house? I forgot where it was."

"Yeah I'll show you the direction."

After the drive they bid a farewell. "(Your Name) can I have you new number?" He asks before she drove off. "Of course, here!"

He smiles and waved her off.

Overtime Ichigo would come visit the cafe and would just chill there. He would read there, study there or even help around when he was free. (Your Name) was happy she had some company, she missed everyone especially her friends in soul society.

It was a Friday afternoon and she was teaching Ichigo how to ice a cake. "I don't remember you good at baking back then?" He teased as he watched carefully and she rolled her eyes and threw some at him. "You know people change over time."

"I'm just saying!" He laughs as she carefully finishes the top and add the last bit of the topping. "So mister what about you?"

"What about me?"

"Have you changed?" She asks as Ichigo dumbfounded tilted his head and hesitantly tried to answer. He never really tried to think about it, has he changed over the year? Maybe his feelings have but him personally.

"My feelings have, but not really me." He answers blandly as she sets the cake in the fridge and makes her way to espresso machine to make a cup.

"I don't know, you seem like you changed to me. You seem less happy." She answers to him truthfully as he quietly stares at her and she gives him a small smile.

"Maybe we both are lonely but choose not to acknowledge the change."

Ichigo doesn't say a word and stares at her for a long time as she just keeps managing the business. "Well?" She asks him trying to hint that maybe it's time to move on from the past and move forward.

"I know how much it hurt when Rukia married Renji and when you basically decided to choose Orihime as your significant other without actually taking time to find out what you really wanna love, I'm not saying you don't love her but I'm saying the love is different." (Your Name) continues as she finishes the expresso off with some cream and powder.

"I guess kinda like me, I moved on from the past and came back stronger. Maybe that's what you need Ichigo, a fresh new start."

Ichigo sighs he was lost for words. Lost for words because she was right. After losing his powers for those two years he was miserable and after defeating ywach it felt like this was the last of his adventures and then everyone started to settle down and moving on.

"Yeah maybe you are right." He mumbles to her and she smiles and gives him a small hug. "You know I'm always here for you. Don't feel alone. I know I can't replace some stuff but I can help patch some pieces."

It had been several months after that conversation and he was learning how to heal himself and find self happiness and Ichigo was feeling lighter. On both their days they would go to the library and read poetry. Well Ichigo would try to analyze Shakespeares poem and (Your Name) would read besides him as they quietly enjoyed each other company.

A few times (Your Name) would go over and cook dinner for Ichigo since sometimes he would work late hours and forget about his meals. It was welcoming to see Yuzu, Karin and Isshin again. Today was different though, Isshin was off on a business trip and the twins were off to a friends sleep over.

"Are you sure it's okay? Wouldn't it be rude?" She asks Ichigo as they closed the cafe together and he nodded his head a big smile. "Yeah! Let's eat out tonight. You are always cooking, I guess this my way for treating you."

They picked a nice restaurant that served ramen because it was a cold night and she wanted something warm in her. As the months progressed she notice Ichigo was looking better and even talking more about himself since they were making up from all the lost time.

"How's Orihime?"

"Inoue? Awe her and Ishida are together!" He happily says and she smiles too. "Finally glasses dude told her his real feelings."

"That's great, I always knew he liked her."

"Yeah I told him to tell her actually." Ichigo sheepishly says and slurps up his ramen. "Really! Wow, so weird." (Your Name) laughs as Ichigo just laughs with her. "I won't let anything go in vain everyone deserves to be happy." He finally says.

After dinner they were going to part ways again but he grab her hands and asks for her to stay with him for the night. "U-um not like that." He says blushing like a High school boy, like he was 15 again. Ichigo thought she was going to refuse but surprisingly she agreed to.

"Yeah I'll stay."

After settling down for the night they sat on the couch side by side and scrolled through shows on tv. "Why is it so cold today." She says and shutters grabbing the blanket next to her. "Well we live pretty north." He answers as she rolls her eyes and lean into him for warmth. He hesitantly tensed up from the gesture but slowly loosen up and cuddled up next to her.

"Let's watch black clover."

"Sure, seems interesting." He answers her and she hums and watches in silence. Ichigo was so into the show that hours past by and he saw she was fast asleep under him.

"(Your Name)." He calls out and she turned the other way trying to get comfortable. Ichigo chuckles and picks her up before setting her down on the bed. "Good night."

The next morning she groans and covers her eyes from the shining light, it was still really early but the sound of birds woke her up and a heavy body next to her. Ichigo was sound asleep with his arm wrapped around her waist as she started to blush. "I feel like a teenager again." She mumbles as she study his facial features. Even after years passed by she still thought Ichigo was still handsome.

Ichigo eyes open as she yelps but he refrains her from leaving the bed. "Shh, it's so early." He mumbles in a deeper voice than normal and pulls her closer. "Ichigo, what are you doing?"

"I'm not stupid (Your Name) I'm making both our happiness come true." He sheepishly says and looks up to her. "W-What?"

"Rukia told me." He bluntly says and sits up the bed now. "Rukia? When? Where?" She says sadden that the smaller shinigami didn't visit her.

"A few months ago, she told me that you've loved me."

"Oh." She responds and looks down.

"I'm sorry, I guess I was to obsessed about what was going on I didn't notice that you were there for me, it's my fault. We've could have been together and you didn't have to move to America all by yourself."

"It's okay, you know stuff happens for a reason."

Ichigo smiles and pulls her in a embrace and hides his face in the neck. "Let's just start over. Both of us together. I don't mind."

(Your Name) looks up to his smiling face and also smiles

"I don't mind starting over either."

[koiryuu]

Jitterbug (Hashiya Nanashi, feat. Hatsune Miku & MEIKO) analysis, from an autistic point of view

Disclaimer: This is based on my personal experience growing up with autism, and the experiences of the people around me. This song is also really gay by nature, so if MikuMei isn't your thing, this is your warning. Obviously this is in no way any sort of official analysis, and actually, ironically due to my autism, I may misinterpret some things or have a hard time not taking lines literally, so don't get mad at me if I get something clearly wrong. I'm just very passionate about this interpretation, and this song comes very close to representing a real (canon) autistic experience. No one else seems to comment on it from that point of view though, so naturally I had to write this up! This is also my first full analysis, and I'm not good at being concise, so please bear with me!

[[MORE]]

Overview: The video, for me, is a major factor in how Jitterbug comes across as an autistic narrative. The name itself, while it is still a reference to a 1920s dance (befitting of the electroswing style of the song), doubles as a meaning for someone who can't sit still, and actually on a personal note was an affectionate nickname my family called me as a kid, so that tipped me off right away. All throughout the video, I noticed most of all, the way Meiko moves her hands while she dances is very close to stimmy behavior, not really like how a neurotypical would normally dance (nor is it a part of the jitterbug itself). While Meiko is moving her hands like that, Miku very often has something in her mouth, either a kind of stick, or the laser pointer, definitely suggesting an oral fixation. Of course, both girls obscure their eyes with sunglasses (I think Meiko's aviators look so cool), and while that definitely has some metaphorical meaning as others have pointed out in their analyses of the song, it's really not uncommon for autistic people to wear shaders and/or noise dampeners to combat overstimulation and sensory issues. None of these things on their own prove anything, of course, as the video is often a small part of a song's meaning, so let's dive into the main course!

Lyric analysis:

I can't talk about any wishes, nor my ideals

Giving out the same, invariant answer all the time

For being the first line in this song, this really already punches home the idea that Miku is dissatisfied with herself, and, as is often the case with autistic people, doesn't even know how she's supposed to navigate the world. She either doesn't know her aspirations in life, or doesn't know how to talk about them without being judged.

You don't need a rotten yesterday

Dump it before you get betrayed

Meiko, being the free spirit in contrast to the masking, frustrated Miku, assures her that she can't just hold onto bad things that happened, being judged or not knowing herself, she needs to dump her perfectionist tendencies and learn to live as herself a little before her own precariously-built persona comes crashing down on her.

Just fully utilize it, tame it

Can't give it away nor dye it tomorrow

I'm fully ready

Meiko tells Miku that she has to learn to work with herself the way she is, find her talents and use them fully, rather than constantly trying to change or push her feelings deep down. She can't give away her personality, and she can't truly make herself different inside, no matter how hard she masks on the outside.

Hungry critics that can't even move

are just glancing at you sideways

The people who would judge Miku for who she is are just hungry for something to laugh at, someone to other or exclude, but when it comes down to it, they're no real threat. If she can just get over that initial hurdle, she'll realize her haters are just pathetically lapping at any entertainment they can get, and they're really not that scary at the end of the day.

Who cares! Ignore those idiots

Given this is the first line they sing together, it almost feels like an admission on Miku's part, she wants to believe Meiko and stand up for herself for once, even if it is just among them for now.

Come at nights, grab my hand and dance

The girls are obviously fond of each other (just gals being pals), and in a way, understand one another on a deeper level than other people understand them, having similar neurotypes. Dancing itself is sort of a wild, energetic activity, that can help express a wide variety of pent-up emotions, and the jitterbug itself is a pretty manic dance that fits the image rather well.

Use your eyes only for me and let's light it up,

Your one and only, scorching laser light

This line is honestly just gay. I don't think there's any deeper meaning to the laser light specifically, but it is a cute thing to call your funky spunky girlfriend, isn't it? It actually may be a reference to how Miku really is on the inside, bright and strange, and often blinding and scorching to others. She hides that side of her pretty well normally, but with Meiko it's not only fine to be bright and weird and full of personality, but actually encouraged.

Fitfully ranking things and aligning them vertically

Abandoning my heart, I convert them to numbers out of impulse

Honestly, upon my first translated listen of this song, I didn't think absolutely anything autistic was happening until this line hit me. This is so autistic in nature, I'm surprised that a lot of analyses leave it out. Miku not only sees the world in sets and orders and numbers like many autistics do, but actually feels (most likely from outside influence) that by her brain being wired to see the world like that, she's abandoned her humanity and become a robot.

The magic gradually faded out

Instead, pessimism flowed in and was entrenched

I'm taking a little liberty here, but many autistics with savant syndrome (and/or gifted kid syndrome) are praised in their youth for the amazing things they can do, such as doing complex math quickly or reading at a faster speed than their peers, but later in life, when those skills are either no longer relevant or have averaged out, the things they used to be praised for become seen as annoying, not something to brag about, or a burden. Miku no longer sees the way her brain works as magical and special anymore, it's a curse and proof to her that she's not like the people around her.

Struck speechless by the awful scenery,

Very clearly overstimulation.

I linger in the raining streets, soaked from head to toe

Some wait for the sun, some grumble about the rain

All pointing at me inside their umbrellas

This line could very well be taken literally, but it's most clearly just a way of describing how different Miku is truly. She doesn't see the same things as bad as other people, she doesn't see the same things as good either. She could be the type that embraces darkness in life, both literally and figuratively. People may not actually point, but she can feel eyes on her, and it makes her feel even more alienated. Even when she tries so hard to fit in, there are some parts of her that are too obvious to change, and she knows she draws attention anyway.

Who cares! Ignore them right now

Let's smile, choose my hand and sing

Feel the rhythm with your heart and dance

I'm not sure exactly why, but the line about feeling the rhythm with your heart made me feel really connected to the song. It might just be because of my own personal music stim habits, but either way it's another line about leaving behind your facade, being as true to your nature as possible, and just dancing out your worries to the beat of the song.

On this rainy stage, as bright as the scorching light

This line embraces the idea of Miku preferring the rain. No one else has to like the stage they set for themselves, because when they're together, it's just about them and what they want to do. Miku can soak herself in rain and bright, scorching light, and just exist with no one around to point and stare.

Eyes go dim and words are lost

While this can just be a reference to depression in general, it's worth noting that many autistics have trouble showing expressions, and/or go nonverbal, often in response to stress or unusually upsetting circumstances.

The colors of today have faded out

Still, it couldn't end because of someone

This can be a way of insinuating that Miku is actually suicidal due to how she's seen by others, and Meiko is the one thing keeping her here, or it could just mean that Meiko stopped her days from getting too bad in a moderate sense. Either way, pretty gay, and shows more how much the girls depend on each other in mutual understanding.

Who cares! Ignore those idiots!

Come at nights, dance and grasp your aspirations

Referring back to the first line, Meiko does assure Miku that not everything needs to be worked out for others' sake, but by spending time with your true self and unpacking your feelings, the future you're supposed to have and the things that truly make you happy will become clear.

I shall dedicate my entire life to you

Let's shine on, like the scorching light

Reach your hands out, until the very end

Miku is in lesbians with her. Ending the song on such a gay note is never a bad thing of course, but it is a little anticlimactic for this analysis. Though, the line of reaching your hands out might actually refer to their hand movements in the video, symbolizing to keep being weird and authentic as long as you can, but that may be a bit of a stretch (or a reach, if you will)

Final thoughts: I have seen other analyses (though not as in-depth) about the meaning of the song, and while they definitely do have some meaning and I can see it from that point of view, there are just some obviously autistic cues that I couldn't ignore that just swayed my perception of the song entirely that direction. I'm not sure if I only picked up that meaning because of my own experiences biasing my view, or if I actually am onto something with the original intention of the song. If you guys have any insight to offer on any of the lyrics, or if I missed or misinterpreted something, feel free to let me know! Thanks for reading this far, honestly! 🌸

[spirit-of-vengeance]

Resident evil AU headcanons!

🔥 Morally? Questionable.

At first I toyed with the idea of writing her background as a soldier instead of a cage fighter; so when she's paralyzed she is terrified not just because of her passion being taken away but the fact that she can't save people anymore.

She, in most AUs despite her violent ways, has a heroic undertone, she murders the criminals to protect the innocent from pain or death (castrating then murdering pedophiles; brutal but effective 🤷🏼‍♀). So I wanted to play with the idea of her being morally grey and selfish: deep down she feels, she knows this company is up to no good: yet she still willingly consents to the operation because only gaining her legs matter. She wouldn't even cared if she died on the operating table, she can't and don't want to live like this.

And in the revenge phrase, she doesn't do it mainly for the world but for what they had done to her: she would help if she sees someone almost getting eaten by zombies but if she has to choose between saving that person/people or murdering a person/people of the Umbrella; she would and will go for the kill.

Before encountering the Umbrella, in the fights she only wounded severely and disabled probably for a lifetime her opponents when it was truly necessary and she couldn't have won or it would be her suffering the injury. But now, she aims to cause the most pain possible before finishing Umbrella soldiers. She brings suffering with twisted joy, both because of the effect of the T virus on her already violent personality and the years spent as a prisoner, as an experiment.

🔥 Caged predator

After realizing what the Umbrella is, what they had done to her, the first thought is to run. But they already expecting that move aren't they? Not many would describe Cindy as a strategist, yet indeed she is: she controls her rage brewing stronger with each day. She senses how important she is as a weapon to them so she relies on the knowledge to gain a few favors like opportunity to train as she wants, after all she's here because of her combat abilities. She is observing the facility, trying to learn the layout and security system for the day when she will break out.

Cindy, seemingly willingly fights against other B.O.W.s when tasked to, she knows they want to measure if she's worth it, if she's truly the Project Undefeated; so she puts up hell of a show each time. She uses these opportunities to get rid of the insane built up fury as well as staying in shape and learning about the creatures that these fuckers created.

When she is on the receiving edge of pain, she chomps down on her tongue, usually at the point of drinking her own blood to prevent snarling her true motives: she will murder them all.

Seemingly, she complies, do as tasked to lure them into a false sense of control while her eyes offer a glimpse of the raging volcano waiting for the perfect moment to erupt.

🔥 Would rather die than be near a needle again.

After Cindy is free, there's not much what would make her halt. Except needles, even the sight of a hospital (or what remained of it). She would never admit but she is utterly terrified by needles and the thought of an injection. Same internal reaction to surgeon tools. The saying 'oh my god you need to go to a hospital/see a doctor' automatically triggers her fight or flight response.

🔥They wanted a Reaper. They got it.

Cindy is well aware that she is part monster and she is more okay with the fact than she should be. It was the T virus what had given her back her legs, the freedom of movement. She frequently craves blood or meat which had gotten worse after the ruination of her right arm but she never gives in to the lowly humming instinct, she keeps it locked, under control. Cindy would reject the antivirus if offered, either she would die and that's the better outcome or back at the starting point: paralysis plus completely useless right arm. She sort of accepted that she will never be fully human and after escaping and discovering more of her abilities she even began to like it. After all, having blades as fingers come pretty handy against any creature: never runs out of ammo, can't be lost, swift and silent. The Umbrella has created an extraordinary weapon, only that anyone with having their logo on them is like walking with a giant target cross.

🔥You won't even see it coming

🔥 Cindy takes great pride in that her combat skills didn't need an upgrade or enchantment. It was their defense, leaving her physical abilities untouched, they wanted a great weapon but not too great.

🔥 The spikes on her right arm vary, she can lengthen them at will as well as her claws. Her 'fingers' also can be united into a single long blade. When not alarmed it won't retreat, the average size of them is around 10-13 cm on her fingers, slightly longer on the rest of the arm.

🔥 A blade can emerge from any place of her body, surprisingly painless, she has discovered this trick when she accidentally stabbed an Umbrella doctor.

🔥Cindy can control the virus into engulfing her whole body, acting both as defense against bullets, bites and a living weapon. This is where the spiked tendrils come into the arsenal along with separating spikes, blades from the armor and using them as throwing knives.

After forcing the virus to retreat inside her body, her hunger increases each time and Cindy only uses the full transformation as last resort to avoid the urgent, pulsing craving.

@realprojectalice tell me if you don't wanna be tagged in stuff & headcanons I write, I'm just like 'look what I made😊' and I don't follow other RE blogs because I'm shy af

@muerte-rojo I GOT THE STRENGTH.