#“I'm used to this” “I can endure it”

[therealmrsgojo]

Bigger Than The Whole Sky

pairing: gojo satoru x reader content: "Mommy? How much did Daddy love us?" warnings: NSFW, MDNI. established relationship, wife reader, pregnant reader, angst, comfort, canon-divergence. wordcount: 5k

As the soft, caressing night breeze murmurs through the air, two figures lie entwined, seeking solace in each other's arms. They cherish the steady ebb and flow of one another's breath, relishing the warmth and intimacy it bestows.

The weight of the day's challenges had been almost too much for you to bear. The endless routine, the constant demands, the unrelenting pressure to succeed—it had all taken its toll on your mind and body.

But as you felt the familiar scent of your husband, Gojo Satoru, envelop you, it was as if all the weariness and tension melted away, leaving you nothing but comfort.

His touch was like a balm to your soul, easing the ache in your heart and filling you with a deep sense of love and belonging.

The world could spin on its axis, and the stars could twinkle in the sky, but as long as you were in his arms, you knew everything would be alright.

Safe.

He had always made you feel safe.

His phone's ringing broke the peaceful silence, alerting him to a message. You watched as he reached for it on the nightstand, his fingers deftly navigating the screen.

When he leaned in closer, you felt the warmth of his breath and the soft touch of his lips as he placed a tender, affectionate kiss on the side of your head.

His hand then gently moved down, his fingertips tracing a delicate path to caress your small, yet prominent, stomach bump.

You lay perfectly still, willing your eyes to remain shut. Seeing a message flashing on his phone could only mean one thing.

Jujutsu Society.

"Sweetheart?" Satoru's gentle voice whispered to you, concern evident in his tone. "Are you feeling okay?"

"I am," you replied, slowly opening your eyes to the dimly lit room. You locked eyes with him, seeing the worry etched on his face, which elicited your chuckle. "You have worn that concerned expression ever since I became pregnant, Satoru."

He let out a soft chuckle as he gently brushed your hair away from your face, a boyish grin lighting up his features. His deep blue eyes seemed to be committing every detail of you to memory as he spoke, "Naturally, I don't want my precious wife to endure any discomfort, and the well-being of our little one is just as important to me."

He rested his head gently on your belly and showered your bare skin with tender kisses. His touch was so gentle, so loving, that it felt like he was worshipping you in that moment. 

You could feel his lips continue to pepper your skin with delicate kisses, each one sending shivers down your spine. The sensation was so intimate, so raw, that it made your heart swell with joy.

The soft strands of his hair felt like silk against your fingertips, and you relished the feeling of being so close to him. It was as if the rest of the world had faded away, leaving just the two of you in your little bubble of happiness.

Loved.

He had always made you feel loved.

"What was that?" You asked, intrigued by the sudden message he had received in the dead of night.

"It's Shibuya," he finally said, his voice low and urgent. "I'm needed."

"What's happening in Shibuya?" you asked, your voice filled with worry.

"I don't know yet," he admitted. "But I have to go. I'll let you know as soon as I can."

You felt your heart rate quicken as you sat in silence with him, unsure of what to say or do. You unconsciously began picking at your nailbeds, a nervous habit you couldn't shake off in moments of discomfort.

"Hey, Y/N," he said softly, reaching for your hands and gently placing them on his cheeks. "I promise this won't take long. Let me quickly go and wake someone up so they can keep you company."

Worry.

His work always made you worried.

"It's okay. There's no need to wake anyone up. I'm just barely five months pregnant, so there's no need to worry about me giving birth or anything like that." You quickly interjected, "Just make sure to return quickly, okay?"

Although you were now the head wife of the Gojo clan, you couldn't help but feel sorry for the servants. They were always at your beck and call, attending to your every need. You knew they had other duties, but they never complained.

Gojo Satoru flashed you a warm smile and replied, "Of course!"

"Good morning, Y/N-sama," Hana, one of the personal maids appointed to attend to your needs, greeted you with a warm smile as she entered the room, carefully holding your freshly laundered robe. "Your bath is ready, with the water at the perfect temperature, and breakfast is being prepared."

The room was bathed in a gentle morning light that filtered through the curtains as you stirred.

With a tender understanding of your struggle with your growing bump, Hana gracefully approached and extended a helping hand to assist you in rising from the bed.

"Is everything okay?"

"Yes, everything's fine. I think they're kicking more these days, though." You said as you stood up. "Is Satoru home yet?"

"He's not, Y/N-sama; we'll let you know if he is." 

As a frown etched itself onto your face in response to her words, you turned away and made your way towards the bathroom, dismissing her without a word. 

The sound of the door shutting behind you filled the room as you slowly stripped off your clothes and stepped into the warm embrace of the bathtub.

As the water cascaded over you, your mind was filled with thoughts. Guilt gnawed at you for being able to sleep soundly while he was still not home. The weight of worry and concern settled heavily upon your shoulders.

However, as you gazed down at your hand, the sight of your wedding ring momentarily eased your troubled mind. The diamond sparkled and glistened as it caught the light, offering a glimmer of comfort in the midst of your turmoil.

-

"Alright, but can you give me a second? I'll dress first. I need to go to the bathroom." he removes himself from the bed you two share.

"Okay," you replied, admiring the flexed back muscles in his bare back as he picked up his new clothes and approached the bathroom.

You slowly lifted yourself from the bed, and the cozy sheets clung to your skin. You grabbed your phone from the nightstand, hoping to pass some time. As you scrolled through your notifications, you heard the sound of the bathroom door opening. 

You were surprised at how quickly Toru had finished in there. You turn your head in their direction, "That was fast, Toru-"

He approached you with a small box in his hand. Suddenly, he dropped down on one knee, and with trembling hands, he opened the box, revealing a magnificent diamond ring brighter than any jewelry he had ever given you as a present. 

The sparkle of the diamond was so intense that it caught your eye and made you gasp in amazement.

You were so taken aback that you dropped your phone, and it clattered to the ground. Your eyes widened with shock, and your hands instinctively flew to your mouth as you gazed into his eyes, trying to make sense of what was happening.

"Some people might choose to do this with a fancy dinner, or on a yacht under the fireworks, or even on the highest building in the world with all the people they know," he began, his voice quivering with nervousness. "And I can do that too. I'll do that for you, too," he laughed softly,

"But, doll, (Y/N)," he paused, taking a deep breath. " I've chosen this place, right here, because waking up with you every morning is the best thing I have ever experienced in my entire life. The way you smile at me every morning and make me feel loved and wanted is a feeling unlike any other." His voice trailed off as he looked deeply into your eyes.

"And I want to do that every day with you," he continued, his voice gaining strength. "I want to be a constant in your life, partner, friend, and your lover. I want to wake up next to you every morning, until my last breath, as your husband." Tears welled up in his eyes as he uttered the following words.

"Will you marry me?" the words left his lips, and a grin appeared your face.

-

You chuckled softly as you thought back to when Gojo Satoru proposed, feeling warmth wash over you and completely dispelling the earlier worries weighing on your mind.

You had just finished your bath and took the time to carefully select your outfit for the day, feeling refreshed and ready to start your morning. As you reached out to grab your phone and make your way out of your room, the sound of a gentle knock at the door caught your attention.

"Y/N-sama, there is a guest named Shoko waiting for you in the living room," Hana said, bowing respectfully. The unexpected news took you aback. 

"Thank you, Hana." You left the room, accidentally leaving your phone behind.

As you strolled through the grand hallway of your sprawling estate, you marveled at the beauty of your surroundings. The walls were adorned with intricate paintings, and the floors were gleaming marble.

You had always known you were lucky to live in such a magnificent place, and it still took your breath away every time you walked through it.

You caught sight of the familiar figure of the brown-haired woman who works alongside your husband. 

"Good morning," you greeted warmly as you reached her.

Your smile quickly faded as you saw Shoko's eyes filled with sadness and concern.

Unbeknownst to you, the words she spoke next would shatter your day into a million pieces.

Your husband, Gojo Satoru - was sealed.

In the wake of your husband's sealing and the news of his banishment, you were engulfed by a profound sense of sorrow, leading to an almost three-week seclusion within the confines of your room.

The community he had always protected concluded that he was an accomplice.

The disbelief is overwhelming. It's impossible to fathom. Witnessing firsthand the deep affection he held for those children—his students—it was a sight to behold.

As you slowly unfurled from your curled-up position, every muscle protested against the movement, making it feel like a strenuous effort. Exhaustion bore heavily on your shoulders as you mustered the strength to sit upright.

Weary and bleary-eyed, you rubbed your eyes futilely to dispel the heavy shroud of drowsiness that had enveloped you.

You suddenly became aware of the passing of time. The days had melded into one another, and you were completely lost.

The servants still ensured your well-being, paying extra attention to your nutritional needs. They would bring you warm soups, fresh fruits, and vegetables and encourage you to eat even when you didn't feel like it. They were always there to offer a kind word or a gentle touch, reminding you that you were not alone. 

In Satoru's absence, you were the head of the clan, the next one your unborn child. You had never felt more responsible or scared in your life.

Has he carried this responsibility since he was a child?

In his everyday life?

Rising from your seat, you made your way to the full-length mirror in your room, yearning for a glimpse of your own reflection. However, the sight that met your eyes only deepened your sorrow.

Your complexion appeared pallid, drained of its usual vitality, and dark circles underscored your eyes, accentuating the weariness you felt.

Your hair was in disarray, with strands sticking out in every direction and tangled messily. You seemed to have little concern for your appearance, and your heart felt like it was about to shatter into a million pieces.

Everything had been unremarkably normal, and now there was a possibility of never seeing him again.

With a deep, shaky breath, you gently brushed your hair to get up today. The brush's soft bristles glided through your hair, untangling any knots with ease. 

Just as you were about to finish, the creaking open door interrupted your peaceful moment. It seemed that the servants of your estate had developed the habit of entering your chambers more frequently as if to ensure your safety.

"Hana, I'm about to head out - "

The room was filled with palpable tension as the sound of the brush hitting the floor echoed through the air, causing an abrupt hush to descend. In that fleeting moment, your eyes widened and your breath caught in your throat as you found yourself locking eyes with Gojo Satoru.

"Toru?" Tears filled your eyes, shimmering with unshed emotion as you struggled to maintain your composure.

Your hands trembled as you instinctively sought to shield the swell of your stomach, your grip tightening around the precious source of strength that had sustained you through it all.

As he takes deliberate steps forward, his intense, piercing blue eyes sweep over you, lingering on every detail from the top of your head to the tips of your toes. It's as if he fears that any contact with him could cause you to fade away.

"I came home as soon as I could," he whispered, his voice barely audible. For the first time in your life, you witnessed tears streaming down his cheeks.

His eyes, usually so bright and full of life, were filled with sorrow and regret. "I'm sorry for leaving you two all alone," he said, his voice choked with emotion.

You melted into his embrace, feeling a rush of emotion flood you. Your body trembled with sobs as you buried your face against his chest, finding it difficult to articulate the depth of your feelings.

Holding him tightly, you couldn't help but observe his changes – the maturation of his physique and the palpable strength of his developed muscles as he enveloped you in his arms.

Home. 

Being in his arms is home. 

The obstetrician greeted you warmly and said, "I'm going to apply a little cold gel," as they carefully positioned the small transducer on your 6-month-pregnant belly. "Let's see if we can coax the baby out—it looks like they're being a bit shy and hiding."

The dimly lit room was filled with nervous excitement as the doctor continued maneuvering the wand over your belly. Then, suddenly, the ultrasound screen flickered to life, and the image of your little one came into view. 

"They might be doing some jujutsu moves inside, honey," your husband, Gojo Satoru, whispered into your ear, a sly smirk on his lips. His eyes were fixed on the screen, hands warmly holding your right one, and when the baby moved, you noticed his mouth slightly open in awe. 

You turned your head to the screen and marveled at the sight of your tiny, wiggling miracle. 

The tiny arms, legs, fingers, and toes all move in unison. The doctor continued to point out different features, explaining each detail as you watched in amazement.

"Congratulations, you are having a boy."

It's been a few days since your husband finally returned home after what seemed like an eternity. Despite the chaos, your husband has created a peaceful haven for the two of you.

The nursery is a testament to his dedication and attention to detail. The walls are painted a soft, soothing shade of blue, and the shelves are filled with books and toys that he carefully selected for your little one.

The crib is draped in a delicate canopy, and the bedding is soft and cozy. Everything regarding your soon-to-be-bearing has already been taken care of. 

It's as if he's on a mission to show his love and dedication to you and your soon-to-arrive child with meaningful actions every single day.

Every minute detail had been thought through and prepared with utmost care. Each day, he devoted himself to ensuring your well-being, starting with a gentle morning bath and ending with a soothing back massage that would lull you to sleep in the comfort of his loving embrace.

In the beginning, it caused a sense of unease. It felt like he was preparing to depart in the near future. However, your husband took the time to console you and assure you that his intention was merely to spare you any distress during the final months of your pregnancy in case he were to sustain an injury.

You were informed about his fight on December 24th. Despite your disagreement and your persistent refusal to support him, he assured you that he would win.

You believe. 

You have always believed him. 

The sun dipped below the horizon, the two of you settled in for the evening, seeking rest after a day filled with activity.

Satoru's lips met yours, and you felt a surge of pleasure coursing through your body. His kisses were always so gentle and tender, yet so passionate at the same time. You kissed him back, savoring his lips' taste and his breath's warmth.

His tongue pushed against your lips, asking for entrance, and you eagerly obliged.

Your heart raced as you felt his lips move down to your neck, planting kisses and leaving behind small, purple bruises. "I'm sorry," he slurred, muffled words against your skin. "I need you."

Now wide awake, you watched as he slowly tugged the duvet covers over your naked body, his lips trailing down to your chest. 

He took one of your nipples in his mouth, his delicate licks making it harden. His other hand teased and tweaked the other nipple, sending waves of pleasure coursing through your body.

"Relax, my wife," he murmured, his breath hot against your skin. "I'm going to take care of you."

He continued to suck on your sensitive nipples, twirling his tongue around them and moaning softly. His cock grew hard as he switched to the other nipple, giving it the same treatment.

"I want to taste you," he mumbled, his lips touching your stomach. His long fingers caressed your womanhood, eliciting a soft gasp from you. He positioned himself between your thighs, using his thumb to part your cunt and expose your clit. "Can I taste you, Y/N?"

"Yy-yes." You moaned as he began to lick and suck on your clit, his tongue moving in circles and causing waves of pleasure to wash over you. Your hands gripped the sheets as he continued to pleasure you, his fingers slipping inside you and making you writhe with pleasure. 

He leaves your clit alone, but his tongue finds its way to the rest of your pussy. His tongue traces your folds, your slit, and the inside of your walls. He was leaving no parts untouched by his warm mouth. He was licking every drop.

You could feel yourself getting closer and closer to the edge, and then you were tumbling over it, your body convulsing with pleasure as Satoru continued to pleasure you with his mouth and hands.

"Mm, Satoru," as his skilled tongue continued to explore every inch of you, sending shivers down your spine.

Your eyes were wide open, taking in every sensation as he delved deeper. His tongue continued lapping at your most sensitive areas, sending electrifying pulses of pleasure throughout your body.

As if that wasn't enough, his fingers began to apply gentle pressure, adding to the intensity. You felt your legs start to tremble uncontrollably as the pleasure built inside you. "Tastes so sweet."

You could feel yourself getting close to the brink of orgasm. Your breath quickened, and your cries became louder with each passing second. You knew you were on the verge of release, and he seemed to sense it, too.

"I'm close," With one final push, he pressed harder, driving you over and into a world of pure pleasure. As you exploded in ecstasy, your body shook with the force of your orgasm, and you cried out in delight.

Satoru continued to lavish and clean you, his tongue working tirelessly to taste your release. "So fcking sweet,"

Panting and gasping for breath, you feel him move his body on top of yours, his lips pressing against yours as he positions himself at your entrance. 

You can feel your heart racing as your body responds to his touch. You wrap your arms around him, pulling him closer to you, and feel his body shudder with pleasure. 

He carefully lifts your legs, making sure not to put too much pressure on your bump, and places them around his waist, slowly sinking his length inside you.

"My sweet wife," he whispered into your ear, his voice low and husky. "So warm." He moved in and out of you, his grunts and moans filling the air as he lost himself in the pleasure of your body. 

"You feel so good," he murmured, his hands gripping your hips tightly as he thrust harder and faster.

"Mm-more, Satoru," You arch your back and push your hips up to meet his, feeling his length still sliding in and out of you with increasing speed.

He responded by picking up the pace, repositioning himself deeper inside you, pressing you into the mattress, and giving kisses to your face and neck as he continued to rail you, his movements becoming more urgent but careful.

"I'm going to come, doll." he cursed, his hands gripping your body tightly as he felt his orgasm building.

You could feel his length pulsing inside you, his release painting your walls white as he continued to move, putting back his spilled seed with each thrust, making you gasp as you feel your second orgasm.

Basking in the afterglow of your lovemaking, your husband excused himself to the bathroom. You heard running water and assumed he was cleaning himself up. A few moments later, he returned with a warm, damp cloth.

You watched as he approached you, eyes full of love and tenderness. His touch was gentle as he used the cloth to remove any remnants. 

He took his time, cleaning every inch of your body with utmost care.

He wiped away the last trace of sweat from your skin and looked up at you with a soft smile. "I love you so much," he said, his voice barely above a whisper.

"I love you too," you replied, your voice filled with emotion. You reached out to stroke his cheek, feeling the softness of his skin beneath your fingertips.

"Please remember what I'm about to tell you," Gojo Satoru's voice resonated with unwavering determination as he imparted his instructions. "Don't make yourself watch. It will only burden you needlessly. I'll be back home before you know it."

His slender, ethereal hands tenderly cradled your tear-streaked face, gently brushing away the traces of your distress. You found ease in his embrace, unable to contain your sobs, fully aware that nothing could deter him from his path.

"After this, I promise I will retire," he said with a shaky chuckle, his voice tinged with emotion. The sight of you shaking was overwhelming, and the thought of you crying scared him more than his upcoming battle with Sukuna.

"We can move anywhere you want, and we'll be together every day with our son," he reassured you as he enveloped you in a warm, comforting hug, soothing you with gentle strokes of your hair. He shifted closer, nuzzling into your hair and holding you tightly.

"I'll always be by your side," he whispered softly, his words etching on your mind. "Forever."

If you knew this would be your final conversation with him, you would have desperately grasped at any words or actions to keep him from leaving.

You stride in your well-worn white running shoes, and the rhythmic thud of each footfall echoes through the empty corridors, creating a symphony of sound that fills the space around you.

He never liked your heels. 

He never liked how discomforting it is for your feet. 

Your tears are flowing down your cheeks, and there's a lump in your throat that hasn't left ever since you heard the news. Your breathing is rapid, shallow, and filled with fear.

Your breath. 

You no longer want to take.

The world around you was shrouded in unfamiliarity; the edges of your vision blurred as you moved forward. Despite the disorientation, your body seemed to be operating on autopilot, effortlessly navigating through the haze as if driven by an unseen force.

Every step you took felt heavy, like some instinctual knowledge guided you through this place.

He clings to you. 

As much as he can. 

"Y/N," Shoko Ieiri's voice sounded from the background. Her face was solemn as she gazed back at you with a serious expression.

"I can go with her; please follow me, Y/N-san." Ijichi, the person who had come to fetch you from the confines of your home, whispered beside you. He walked past, and you felt your feet involuntarily follow him, afraid he would disappear.

The woman with brown hair gazed down at your swollen, pregnant belly, and the sight was so overwhelming that she nearly lost her balance.

You brushed past her, paying no mind to her or anyone else - the curious stares of the students as you made your way through the corridors of Jujutsu High.

Your fists were tightly clenched at your sides as you followed the man in the suit, your thoughts consumed by only one person. 

Gojo Satoru. 

Ijichi paused before a shining silver door, the light catching its reflective surface. He turned towards you, a grave expression on his face. "We've arrived," he said, his voice tinged with regret as he bowed deeply. "I apologize."

You could feel the tears prickling at the corners of your eyes as you whispered, "I want to be alone with him, please." You couldn't bear the thought of anyone else witnessing this moment of raw vulnerability.

With trembling hands, you pushed open the door and stepped inside. The room was quiet, except for the machines' soft hum and lightning. 

You could see him lying there, his form still and peaceful beneath the pristine white sheet. The fabric was smooth and unblemished, without a wrinkle to mar its surface.

"My baby," you whispered, your voice breaking as you approached his body. You reached out tentatively, afraid that the slightest touch would disrupt the peaceful tableau before you. But you felt sadness and longing as your fingers brushed against his skin. "My sweet baby," you cried, pulling him close to your chest. "How can I go on without you?"

"Please don't leave me." Tears streamed down your face as you grieved for your husband, desperately yearning to hear his voice or feel his comforting, warm hug when he sensed your sadness once more. "Please come back."

But there was no response, no flicker of movement or sound. Your husband was gone, and all that remained was the shell of his body.

Amid your suffering, you felt a sudden kick from within your stomach.

It seems that your son may have felt your tears, weeping about his father, whom he will never have the chance to meet.

"Mommy?" Rapid footsteps echoed through the hallway as your 5-year-old son dashed across the wooden floor, his little voice filled with urgency.

"Tohru, no running!" You called out, pausing from chopping the carrots as you felt a tinge of concern at the tone of his voice. "Hana, could you please continue chopping these carrots for me?" 

Hana smiled warmly and nodded in agreement, gracefully taking over the task. Her skilled hands moved with precision as she seamlessly continued the work you had started.

While going from the kitchen to the living room, your son's voice fills the air, creating a comforting and familiar ambiance. Your gaze was drawn to a large wedding photograph that halted your steps, capturing your attention with its timeless beauty and significance.

 In the picture, a white-haired man beamed with joy as he gazed at his wife, their expressions capturing a depth of love that seemed to transcend everything else.

The way they looked at each other spoke volumes about their enduring bond and connection, leaving a lasting impression on anyone who beheld the photograph.

It was your favorite picture. 

It still made your heart stop. 

"Mommy," Your son ran up to you and wrapped his little arms around your legs, making you chuckle at his enthusiasm. You knelt down to his height, pinching his chubby cheeks and feeling the warmth of his embrace. His bright blue eyes shone with curiosity and innocence.

"Sakura told me her father loved her so much. Like as big as a tree!" he exclaimed, gesturing widely to emphasize the enormity of his friend's father's love. "How about us? How much did Daddy love us?"

You tenderly swept aside his silky, snow-white hair, cherishing this special moment with your son. A gentle smile lit up your face as you wholeheartedly responded to his question without any hesitation.

"His love for us was bigger than the whole sky."

author's note: I never knew a fictional character would have this impact on my life. gojo satoru, no matter what they say, was my favourite. whatever hopes I had for gege's redemption on his writing is now officially gone; I am dropping jjk. I don't even want to watch the anime anymore. I just got up today to write my own version of his passing, with canon-divergence.

he will forever have a place in my heart. my baby deserves so much better. :(

[neowinestainedress]

IM BEGGING ABT SUB!JISUNG WHO IS VERY PASSIVE AND RECEPTIVE PLEASEEE 😭😭😭

w!: femdom, orgasm control/denial, pegging, overstimulation, dom!reader, sub!jisung. no use of y/n, no physical description (no body type, hair, skin color etc)

a/n: if last year someone told me that my first writing post of 2024 would've been a jisung “drabble” i would've laughed at their face but here we are. i'm struggling to write lately so PLEASE please if you liked it let me know and reblog so more people can read it. enjoy!

Jisung would do anything for you. Or, well, to be more accurate, he would do anything to please you. 

You can’t name what you two share; if you did, you’d probably call it a tangle of messy bedsheets, wet lip kisses, and whispered moans. But there is something holding you two together. 

“Please, please, you can’t,” he stutters through gritted teeth. His head is rolled back, resting against the bedframe, damp hair sticks to his handsome face that’s tinted a bright red, and his hips jerk uncontrollably against your hand. 

“I can’t, what? Jisung,” you reply with a slight stern edge in your voice. Your hand stops at the base of his throbbing dick, leaking a copious amount of pre-cum, rolling down his length until it meets your palm. 

“No-nothing, I’m – I’m sorry, ma’am, I’m sorry,” he mumbles shaking his head. 

“Good,” you smile smugly. “Cause you don’t make the rules here, I do.” 

“Yes, yes, you do,” he hums closing his eyes as he tries to concentrate on his breathing. 

“And I don’t see why I should let you come so soon when you look so pretty for me,” you tease and notice how he almost glares at you before he quickly turns his disappointment into a frown. 

So soon. 

You’ve been edging him for at least 30 minutes; chasing his build-up just to crash it, ruining every chance of an orgasm right in front of his face, the promise of being pegged slipping more and more away. 

It’s not a punishment. You know it, and he knows it, too. He loves this. He loves when you’re all over him, your soft left hand crazing his skin while the right one moves with quick motions on his hard dick. Your lips leaving kisses like brushes of a feather on his sensible neck. The strong tug of your fingers in his black, long hair, making him hiss. 

And you love this, too. Jisung reacts perfectly at each snap of your finger. He’s so delicate as soon as you enter your private bubble and leave the world outside, crumbling at your feet like a sandcastle. His clothes are quickly on the floor as he lets you guide you to the bed where he lets you do anything you please. And all it takes to make him fall apart is you touching him. Your hands on his burning skin set him on fire, and elicit raspy begs for “more” following calls of your name as his pleading eyes look into yours. 

“You’re so pretty, you know?” You will never get tired of reminding him that when his eyes light up at each compliment. “My pretty boy.” 

“Yeah, yours,” he replies, voice slurred. You’re sure by the end of the night it will be completely hoarse. 

He’s doing everything he can to hold the nth orgasm in. He hates to fail, especially with you. He has to keep it together. But you’re not doing anything to help him. 

You lean over, pressing your arms together, pushing your boobs closer, the soft curves bulging out of your skin-tight top. Jisung wants to die. He needs to touch you, but you don’t let him, not now. It’s your turn to have fun, he’s just a toy in your hands right now, he has to watch and take. But he can’t endure it any longer. 

“You’re making a mess, babe,” you pout, looking between his legs. “I can’t let you come or else you’ll make even worse.” 

“No, no, please, I – I won’t, it’s too much,” he cries out. 

“Okay, then,” you say. You watch his eyes light up, a sigh of relief bolt over his face, just for it to drop as soon as your hand leaves his body. His eyes panic, he doesn’t even dare to look down to confirm your hand is not there anymore. You’ve done it again. 

“No, please,” Jisung whines. This time he can’t hide his annoyance. 

“I thought you wanted my dick,” you say, tilting your head to the side. 

“Yes but,” he almost sobs, “that will make me come as soon as… you know…” he whispers, too shy to say it loud, looking away. 

“Mhh, no, I fear I don’t know.” 

“God, why are you like this?” 

“Excuse me?” You scold. 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, but… I, I need to come. You’ve edged me for so long, I will… I will come as soon as you enter me if I don’t, and you won’t let me come that easily.” 

This is not a punishment. So, yes, he has a point. You do have a lot of fun doing this, watching him struggle to keep it together as you fuck into him. However, today is not the day. 

Without adding a word, your hand is back around his dick, moving up and down quickly. The sudden movement makes him gasp and he has to contain himself to don’t squeal in exactment. 

“Thank you, thank you, thank you,” he mumbles before the only things coming out of his mouth are moans. His hips buckle against you, desperately chasing the long awaited high. 

“Come on, let go,” you order, and before his brain can even register the sound, he comes undone in your hands. White cum spurts over your hand, arms and his abs, making a mess like predicted, but you don’t stop, milking him until there’s nothing left behind and he has to beg you to stop. 

“Good boy,” you praise, stopping your movements before leaning close. “Calm down, you did great.” Your words make him smile, but he still leans in for a kiss. “You can touch me,” you mumble in the kiss when you notice his hesitating hands lingering close to your body, and you don’t need to repeat yourself. 

Jisung pulls you closer, kneading the skin of your hips, long fingers pressing into your skin. He’s a bit aggressive sometimes without noticing, his eagerness makes him clumsy, but you don’t care, that’s another thing you like about him. 

“Do you still want me to fuck you?” You ask when you pull away, reaching for the bedside table to grab a napkin and clean yourself. 

“Yes, please, I wanted you all day, you’ve been driving me crazy,” he says, getting ready to lay on his back. 

He didn’t lie, you did tease him all day long. You were quite surprised you made it home and didn’t end up doing it in the car. 

His hungry eyes burn on you as you undress and slip in the strap-on. It makes you feel so powerful as you stare down at his bare figure, laying powerless on the mattress. 

“You’re so hot,” Jisung whispers, face catching fire as soon as you look at him and smile. He’s so shy and embarrassed; your favorite type to mess with. 

When your lube-covered fingers slip into his tight hole, his head rolls back as he traps his lower lip between his teeth to not let out pathetic moans. 

“Is this all you need? My fingers?” 

“You’re good,” he stutters. “You’re too good.” 

You grin. You know you are. 

As you get him ready to take your dick, you let your fingers slide deep inside and curl up just as he likes it, slow and nice, to let him feel everything. 

You get drunk in his low moans, muffled by the arm he put on top of his mouth to don’t sound so desperate, and the way his dick is hardening again, slowly throbbing on his defined abs. 

“You think you’re ready for me?” 

Jisung nods enthusiastically. “Yes, I always am. Please, fuck me,” he begs, hands reaching out to touch you. 

“If you say so,” you smile, pulling your fingers out of him, making him groan in disappointment. 

You pour a generous amount of lube on your strap and push it against his entrance. One hand runs under the back of his thigh to pull him closer as the other grabs the base of the dildo to start pushing into him. 

As you slide inside, your eyes don’t leave his. Your heart races as you watch him fight to keep his eyes open (you want him to look at you when you do this) but he succeed, cause he’s just too good. 

“Touch me,” you order when you bottom in. He’s tired, completely consumed by lust, but he listens without wasting a second. His hands cup your boobs, starting to pleasure you as you slowly move out of him. He knows how much you love his hands, and he does all the tricks he knows you love; playing with your nipples, squeezing them, cupping the soft flesh. “Good boy,” you praise. 

But it’s hard to be so good when you pick up a steady rhythm. 

“You’re big,” he cries out as his head rolls back and his lips part to let out louder moans. 

“But you can take me, can’t you?” You tease, but behind your words hides genuine concern. He has this habit of rushing into things because he’s greedy. 

“Yes, yes, I can do anything for you,” he replies, nodding swiftly. 

“Good,” you hum. When you lean closer to kiss him, his hands wrap around your shoulders to pull you closer. His hips roll against you, messily trying to meet you halfway, and before you realize, his legs wrap around your body. 

“Somebody’s more eager than usual today,” you grin, brushing his wet black hair behind. 

“I’m – I’m sorry, I want you so bad.” 

“I’m right here,” you assure, kissing his cheek. “Do you want it harder?” 

Words struggle to come out and the only thing he can do is nod quickly. You straighten your back and then your hands grab his waist to pull him closer to you. The new position allows you to fuck faster into him, the harsh slam of your hips against his soft legs creating the vulgar sounds of skin loudly resonating in the room. 

“Please, please,” he moans, his voice so deep and hoarse it hits you straight to the core. “Wanna come, please, please, I’ll be good.” 

You quirk a brow. “Will you?” 

“Yes,” he nods enthusiastically. “I’ll take another one, I’ll take – I’ll take everything you have to give me, but please, let me come,” he begs. His eyes stare into yours, and your heart skips a bit at his clumped wet lashes, tears are pooled at the corner and you know with this orgasm they will flow like rivers on his cheeks. 

“Fine, you can come,” you say. Your hands clench harder around his waist, causing his skin to redden, but he barely feels it, too concentrated on the pleasure your fast thrusts are giving him. You don’t even need to touch his dick before he comes undone for the second time, shaking uncontrollably in your hands as the cum covers his lower abdomen. 

But this time you don’t slow down when he’s done, your movements are steady and leave him breathless. 

“Fuck,” he screams, fingers desperately reaching for you, and one of your hands intertwines with his fingers. But the soft gesture doesn’t match the ruthlessness of your movements. 

“You’re a mess,” you point out, kissing him. The tears are streaming down his face, his lips are plump from the torture he applied with his teeth, his hair is a mess, and his chest is rising fast. 

“But – but you like me,” he struggles to say, “you still like me, right? Please, tell me —fuck— tell me you still like me.” 

You smile, caressing his burning cheek. “Of course, I do. You’re my beautiful mess, right?” 

“Yes, yeah, I’m yours, I’m yours, I’m only —mmph— only yours,” he mutters. 

“Yeah, mine,” you say, cupping his face before pulling him into a deep, long kiss. 

Jisung’s hands run on your back, his short nails scratch your skin but you don’t mind, instead, you start moving even faster, pushing him close to the edge again. 

“Not again,” he cries, pleading eyes looking up at you. 

“You promised,” you remind him. 

He sniffles, trying to clean up the mess on his face with the palm of his hand but only makes it worse. “But – but it’s too much, I can’t last long– longer.” 

“We better make it quick, then.” 

His eyes light up. “Wa-wait, I can – I can come again?” 

You nod. 

“Ca-can you help – help me?” 

“Nope, no hands, babe. Don’t act like it’s hard for you.” 

“But –” 

Your stern gaze stops him in his tracks, and he simply nods. His eyes widen when you start teasing his nipples, and you both know it’s going to be even easier for him to come this time. And as expected in a few seconds he’s making a mess again. His moans are so messy and loud you’re surprised the neighbor didn’t come knock on your door yet. 

“Fuck, fuck, God,” he cries loudly, hiding his face with the pillow that he’s holding so tight his knuckles are going white. “Please, please, I – I, fuck, fuck.” His words are an incoherent mess, and more and more strings of white lay where the others are dried up by now. “Too much, too much, ma’am, can’t, no more.” 

You slow down while your hands caress his waist to soothe him, but his breathing is still frenetic and mumbles are coming out of his mouth. 

“You did great, you did such a good job,” you whisper, moving the corner of the pillow out of his face, forcing him to let go, and caressing his burning face. “Let me kiss you.” 

After the kiss you slip out of him completely and the emptiness makes him whine loudly. Once you’re out of the strap, you reach him with a glass of water and watch as he gulps it quickly. 

“Color?” You ask. You still haven’t come, and you need it. But he has already done so much you don’t want to push him over the edge. 

He slumps back on the bed, and you’re ready to hear a “red” but he surprises you. “Green, but I – I need just a few seconds to calm down. You’re too – too good at this,” he chuckles, blushing bright red. 

You smile, caressing his face. “You can use your fingers if you’re too stimulated.” 

He shakes his head. “No, I – I want you to feel you, please.” 

You chuckle at how he’s already in that mood again, ready to beg and do anything to make you feel good and make you proud of him. 

“Are you ready?” You ask as you straddle his lap. 

Jisung gulps and then nods, letting his hands rest on your hips. “I just – I can’t promise I’ll last long.” 

“It’s alright. Touch yourself, get yourself hard for me.” 

His right hand leaves your side to wrap around his soft dick, and as soon as his fingers come in contact with his skin he jerks up. He’s so fucking sensitive. And he knows he might’ve flown too close to the sun, but he doesn’t want to back down. 

He rarely gets to be inside of you, and he loves it, especially when he’s so stimulated. Will he turn into a mess in two seconds again? Yes. Does he care? No.

“Go slowly,” you say, watching as his big hand slides up and down his length. His long fingers shake every time he comes close to the sensitive tip and a strangled moan gets trapped in his throat. 

“Do – do you like this? Am I being good for you?” He asks with a shaking voice, eyes desperately seeking your validation. 

You nod. “So good. Just a few more, babe.” 

He hums, swallowing again as he tries to fight himself to not get close to another orgasm. But you’re not cruel, you just need him to get hard again. 

“Enough,” you order, making him stop immediately. His hand goes back on your body and his hard dick throbs against his abs. “Are you ready for me?” 

“Yes, I am, please, fuck me,” Jisung begs, grinding his hips against you. 

You snicker, shaking your head. “So greedy. After everything we did, you still want more.” 

“Yes, I need you. And I – I want you to feel good.” 

You need that too. Seeing him fall apart on your strap got you weak in your knees, and now you need to come. You know you won’t last long either when you’ve been on the edge all night. 

When you slide on top of him, his hips buck up, making you choke on a moan. “Jisung,” you scold. 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he apologizes. “Please, use me.” 

And you do. You start to move up and down, feeling him fill you up, reaching so deep inside of you.  

“Touch me,” you order. “You know how I like it.” 

Jisung is lost in his haze, the afterglow of before mixing with the lust of this moment is getting completely in his head and this simple task seems impossible, but he always gives you what you want and ask for. 

So, even if not so quickly, his fingers reach your clit. When he starts rubbing it in swift circles, you see stars, and you know it won’t take long to fall apart. 

“You’re so wet, and feel so – so good,” he cries out. The way you squeeze around him is driving him insane, stimulating him like never before. “I need you, can you – can you kiss me? I won’t – I won’t stop I promise.” 

You don’t reply, and simply lean in to give him what he wants. His movements stop for a brief second but restart shortly after. Your moans blend in the kiss as your hand reaches his hair to tug on it, earning a low grunt from him. 

“You like it when I treat you roughly, don’t you?” You pull away just enough to get a glimpse of his face before tugging again, watching as his lips part to set free an even deeper moan. 

“Ye-yes, you can – you can do whatever you want with me,” he mumbles. 

“I know, honey, I know,” you grin before kissing him again. This time it’s rough and desperate, taking his breath away. 

When you pull away to have more room to move on top of him, your hand places on his chest before running up to reach his neck. Your thumb runs over his neck, caressing his adam’s apple as it bobs in his throat. He reached the limit. He’s holding on to make you feel good but you can see he’s pushing himself for you. There’s nothing in his eyes, just lust and need to release. His moans are loud and incoherent, and his hips pathetically try to meet you halfway. And when your hand wraps around his neck, he loses it. 

“Mhh, please, please,” he starts begging, his words sounding even more embarrassing muffled by your hand restricting the flow of air in his lung. The hand that is not working on you clenches hard around your waist, his nails leaving marks on your skin. “Need you, please.” 

“I’m right here.” 

Jisung cries, shaking his head. “Need you to – to come. Please, come with me. I’m – I’m good, right? You – you are close.” 

“You think so?” You tease. 

And he almost starts sobbing. “Yeah,” he cries in a snarl. “I know I – I make you feel good. I’m good for you, I know I am, please, tell me I’m – I’m your good toy.” 

You’d love to play with him more, but he’s at his breaking point, and even if all of this is playful you can see he’s far too deep in subspace and any degrading word might hit him too close. 

“You are,” you whisper, letting go of his neck to kiss him. “You’re my good boy. And since you’re my good boy —fuck— you will come with me, right?” 

“Yes, yes, I – I will, please, yes, yes,” he replies, reaching for your lips again. 

“Come with me.” 

“Oh, fuck,” he moans. “Thank you, thank you, fuck, thank you so – so much,” he mumbles breathlessly, words mixing with groans and whimpers as both of your orgasm break through. Your movements falter as the pleasure gets to your head and you finally let go of the built-up pressure, but you still ride him until you make sure you’re both done. 

And when you’re sure there’s nothing more to take and give, you collapse on his body. 

“Stay,” Jisung murmurs, wrapping his arms around your back when you try to roll to the side. “Please, stay,” his voice shakes, and a sob rolls from his tongue. 

“Jisung?” You ask worriedly, lifting your head to look at him. 

“I’m fine, I just…” he sniffles, “I… I want to feel you, and…cuddle some more.” 

You smile, letting out a sigh of relief. “Can I at least slip out of you?” 

He nods, and you slowly get off him. “You have cum everywhere, can I clean you up?” 

“No. I mean, yes, but not now, can we… can we just cuddle? I need you.” 

He’s still into his subspace and you won’t pull him out of there. You know he will fall asleep in that mess, but you can take care of that later. 

“Come here, rest your head against my chest,” you say, laying at his side, opening your arms so he can cuddle between them. “Is this alright?” 

“Perfect,” he mutters, nuzzling against your bare chest. “You smell good.” 

“Well, thanks, but I’d say I smell like sex.” 

“Mhh,” he whispers. “Thank you for taking care of me.” 

“It’s nothing, I have fun with you, and I like you.” 

He hums, and then some seconds of silence follow before the loudest thing he can say slips from his lips. “I love you.” 

You still, body stiffening, and look down. “You… what?” 

“I think I love you,” he replies nonchalantly, voice muffled by your chest. 

You can’t find the words to reply and, in your heart, you don’t know. “I don’t… I don’t know how to react. I think you’re confused.” 

You feel him shake his head, and you wonder how conscious he is. 

“I think we should… mhh, maybe talk about this tomorrow,” you say, trying to keep it cool, but you know he can feel your heart beating an abnormal amount inside your rib. 

“Fine,” he whispers, holding you closer. “Just don’t leave.” 

You gulp and look down. And as you watch Jisung’s body relax as he succumbs to sleep; his long lashes sitting on his rosy cheeks, his long hair framing his handsome face, his plump lips slightly parted puffing hair, you think to yourself you’re screwed. 

“Don’t worry, I won’t leave.” 

© neowinestaindress; all rights reserved. do NOT repost, modify, or translate any work from this blog on any other platform and claim it as yours. you can find my works on ao3 (neowinestaindress) and wattpad (winestaintedress_; currently inactive).

[fyjjong]

during the third night of their shinee world vi [perfect illumination: shinee's back] encore concert series, key spoke of jonghyun … and what he believes his feelings on "juice" would have been. key: i've been thinking of the one on their personal journey. no, no. i'm not talking sad! i believe he's always with us. i can imagine him complaining about "juice. i endure it having those imaginations. i believe you all would be doing the same. (source(s): 1)

[rowanwithaz]

The dumb anti BKDK/DKBK arguments:

I've seen a lot of people kinda making fun of bkdk/dkbk antis' takes on their dynamic/relationship. But,I think there's also an underlining issue with the mischaracterization of the story,characters,and Hori as a writer himself.

Katsuki/bullying

One of the biggest arguments used against bkdk/dkbk is this one panel.

Which,this scene isn't as deep as people want to believe it is. Well,it IS,but just not on Katsuki's end (I'll elaborate on this in the Izuku section). This scene isn't about Katsuki being an awful person,it's about what Izuku endures as a quirkless person. Don't get me wrong: Katsuki was an absolute asshole in this. But,he's also a fourteen year old egotistical brat. His age obviously doesn't cover for what he's done,but it doesn't make him an evil monster who wishes to abuse and victimize Izuku whenever he possibly can. That's just not true.

(Important side note: it says several times that this is the furthest Katsuki has ever gone with his bullying with Izuku. His friends even comment on Katsuki going too far. So I really don't get why the antis try to claim this is consist behaviour for Katsuki,when it clearly isn't. This doesn't make what he did OKAY though,that's not what I'm saying at all. This scene just gets blown out of proportion most of the time)

Also,let's not forget about the hypocrisy this scene brings. Many antis will say that bkdk/dkbk can't be romantic and it's toxic because Katsuki told Izuku to "kys",but here's the thing; they're the same people who argue they're strictly platonic. It makes no sense. If this relationship was actually as toxic and abusive as they say it is,then they couldn't be friends. Antis use this scene for disproving the romantic interpretation of the two,but then completely ignore it when it's not relevant to their narrative.

Now,Katsuki's ignored development! I've seem a couple antis claim that Katsuki's apology scene was a self pity speech and it was all about him. Which is...SO FUCKING WRONG? I can understand if you've read the first lines of the apology and thought, "Oh,he's just thinking about himself," if you were just really dense and had no context of the earlier events leading up to this apology and stopped reading after a page that is. It's probably one of the most stupid takes I've seen on Katsuki and Hori's writing.

In these panels Katsuki is talking about his feelings,yes. And this is important! Izuku deserves an explanation to Katsuki's bullying,Izuku deserves to hear how Katsuki actually feels. But,right after,he turns it around to talk about Izuku. This sequence of events is extremely important to what Katsuki (Hori) is trying to convey. The truth. I know a people wanted this to be about Izuku being a helpless victim,but that just isn't true to either of their characters,especially Izuku's. And these words are backed up by actions. Over. And over again. Katsuki said he was going to be there for Izuku?

(Note: I'm aware a couple of this manga panels aren't the official translations! And that's because the official translations are very DIFFERENT from what Katsuki is actually saying in those scenes)

He's there. And that's kinda something I feel people forget when thinking of Katsuki's apology. He's already been reconnecting and making it up to Izuku.

Katsuki has gone through so much development over the course of mha,and it's astonishing that people still use the first page of this manga to view Katsuki and the whole story. Of course Katsuki is going to feel incompleted and lazily written when all you focus on is the very first chapter of the manga. Foreshadowing and growth exist,let's not forget that.

Izuku the victim

This is something that definitely annoys me when I see people hating on bkdk/dkbk. Most of the time the antis hate Katsuki so much that they victimize Izuku as much as they possibly fucking can.

Was Izuku bullied? Yes! Was he mistreated? Yes!

But that doesn't make him a helpless victim who doesn't see himself as anything. Izuku does have a sense of self worth. That's just the truth. It always pisses me off when people bring up the "take a swine dive off the roof of the building," line and say if Izuku didn't get OFA he would had committed suicide. Honestly,I think when Izuku starts devaluating himself is when he receives OFA.

For example,when Katsuki backs Izuku into a wall telling him he can't get into U.A,

Izuku says "there's no harm in trying",Izuku thinks he can get into U.A,even without a quirk. He believes,deep down,he can be a quirkless hero. Until he's told otherwise from All Might,then doesn't believe in himself even more when he has OFA.

(In the anime,or just the dub,Izuku says something along the lines of, "they changed that rule!" To Katsuki when we says he can't get into U.A without a quirk,which further proves this point)

And about the, "take a swine dive off the roof" page, this doesn't effect Izuku as much as people say it did. Even in the moment. Izuku wasn't distraught,Izuku didn't go into a deep depression over it,he was pissed.

That is a look of anger. Now,why was Izuku angry? Because he didn't believe this. He knew what Katsuki was saying was just BS. In this scene he calls Katsuki an idiot,then he thinks about his mom. This scene was deep,because it was about Izuku's trauma with his mother and discovering when he was quirkless. This scene was,as I've said,to show what Izuku endures as a qurikless kid and to segway into his backstory.

As for Izuku's self worth,we also see through these pages of him being upset with his mother,he still has hope he can be a hero. He still wishes to become a hero,still acknowledging that he's quirkless,he still believes he can be.

because he doesn't let people hold him back. Because he's stubborn as fuck (a character trait people often forget Izuku has). So I really don't get why people try to paint Izuku as this kid who leaves his self Image in the hands of others,he knows he's not useless.

And when I say Izuku devaluates himself,I don't mean Izuku sees himself as useless. Izuku sees himself as a vessel for OFA from that point on and takes the responsiblity/burden of it. He dehumanized himself because of OFA,not because of the bullying he faced.

(I'm not saying this didn't hurt Izuku in anyway! It did. But I feel Izuku wasn't as effected by it as people think he is,it wasn't something Izuku saw as worth it. He knew what he wanted to be at the end of the day,and stuck the finger to everyone else.)

I hate it when people say Izuku is a basic character,then don't actually know the first thing about him.

Can't be cannon because it's shonen

This argument I can get! But,there are a couple of reasons this is still a dumb argument.

First of all,we're usually talking about shipping. So this doesn't necessarily apply to fan work,which they do for some odd reason.

Second of all,MHA is pretty lgbtq+ positive. With Toga being bi/pan,and they're being several trans characters,and let's not forget about characters like Mineta who is pretty heavily hinted to be bisexual.

And I feel Horikoshi is using the romantic shonen formula,just not in the way they thought he would...

Katsuki is very love interest coded.

With Katsuki being the one the villains (not just villains,people in general) go after to or to get a rise out of Izuku.

And,another important thing to mention when talking about shonen is Horikoshi as a writer himself.

Horikoshi is doing this for himself. He wants to enjoy what he's writing. So,if bkdk/dkbk becomes cannon? It wasn't fan pressure. He wanted to do it. If it doesn't? Same thing. And,from what I've observed,Hori REALLY likes Katsuki and Izuku.

I mean,he's done so much with these two,so many unnecessary moments,for...what? We have to remember bkdk/dkbk was seen as toxic from the fast majority of the fanbase when people starting shipping them. But,what did Hori do? He kept putting in these moments. Kept foreshadowing something...more. And in the process put down many popular ships at the time. Like,Kribaku (NOT HATING) it was seen as the healthy,fun relationship Katsuki could be in romantically. Horikoshi used this to deepen the bond between bkdk/dkbk. (And to probably to add some gay yearning angst)

and let's not forget all the unnecessary sketches he made between the two,and some of his comments on them,

(From the ultra analysis character book)

From the looks of it,Hori just enjoys these two together. Especially considering some of the new drawings/sketches he's made.

At the end of the day it doesn't matter if it's shonen or not. Horikoshi is going to do what he enjoys. And I hope he continues to do so! If mha's end doesn't result with cannon bkdk/dkbk? I couldn't care less if Horikoshi is pleased with the ending,as much as I see the cannon potential.

[crazy-pages]

First step to being a rationalist.

Acknowledge it might not work.

Let me take a step back for a moment. The single most important principle of science, in my opinion, is acknowledging the possibility of failure, that something might be beyond you. People often think of science as how you discover the truth, but I think it is more accurately and importantly described by how it lets us determine what we do not know.

For most of human history, we not only did not know what the sun was made out of, the question was fundamentally beyond our grasp. There was nothing any amount of scientific principle could do that would let you know what the sun was for most of human history. To be a scientist about it, to apply the scientific method to understanding the sun, is not just being able to know nuclear physics. You have to teach yourself to know when to say 'I don't know'.

For most of human history the sun has been fundamentally beyond our capacity to understand. And yet it is one of the most enduring and common subjects of false explanations. To internalize the scientific method, truly in a way that changes your thinking relative to what it was before you learned it, you have to become someone who, if you were living in those times, would be able to say "I don't know" even when everyone around you has an answer.

So let's talk about rationalism.

Rationalism is not just the idea that we can understand human biases. It's not just the idea that we can be more thoughtful or knowledgeable people by understanding these biases. No, rationalism is specifically the idea that by learning enough about human biases and by leaning on hard enough on data, we can reliably make correct and optimal moral choices. It is the belief that by performing enough rationalist study and training, and applying enough information science to a problem, one can proceed on the assumption they have come to the correct conclusion.

And those are very different things. It is the difference between saying "by understanding wood better, we can construct better foot bridges" and "by understanding wood better, we can span the San Francisco Bay with it".

Because here's the thing, better is not the same thing as reliable. Even if we grant the assumption that learning about biases makes one less likely to fall prey to them, and that is an assumption, an 80% chance of making mistake is also less than a 90% chance of making a mistake. It's valuable, that's a good thing, but it is not sufficient to say "hey so I used this method to come to my conclusions, therefore I'm sure I didn't make a mistake".

If you want to be a rationalist, the first rational principle you need to apply is that of the scientific principle looking at the sun. You need to be able to say "There may be nothing I can do, with the resources I have access to, to be sure I am actually free of bias and mistakes in logic. This may be fully beyond me, for the entire span of my life." And not just in the sense that nobody is perfect, but in the very real sense that you cannot depend on the train of logic in your own head to lead you to a correct place.

And the reason this is important is for the same reason it's important in science. The moment that you presume something is in fact knowable in science, it just becomes a tool of accrediting whatever conclusion you come to. It stops being an actual tool of discovery and becomes a rubber stamp of validation. It becomes something which makes you feel better about the conclusion you came to, not something which actually helps you in any way.

The moment you say to yourself, "because I am a rationalist, I am confident enough in A, B, and C to take actions X, Y, and Z" you've failed to be a rationalist. (Unless you provide a double blind study of a large well-controlled population, one of which was given rationalist training and the other which wasn't, upon the end of which it was determined that the rationalist trained population did indeed perform to an improved standard meeting a high minimum on certain metrics (upon which you must limit your assumption of rationalist improvement to those specific metrics). And then this study has been in the corpus of literature long enough to be peer-reviewed and criticized and had duplicate research and further investigation and a good long while for the scientific community to dissect it. A thing which has definitely not happened yet.)

The most important thing you can learn from rationalism is not an understanding of a specific set of biases. It's not the particular ways human cognition is messed up and it's not any type of information science. It is the fact that humans are flawed.

The most important thing you can learn from rationalism is humility, not hubris.

To do otherwise is for rationalism to just become another tool of confirmation bias, something making you think you are more correct than you actually are.

The humility you have to learn from rationalism is that you must plan and behave on the assumption that no matter how rationalist you think you are, you might still be behaving in biased ways. That there might be no way to fix this. And so all you can do try to behave in ways where even if you're wrong, you're going to minimize the harm you do to others.

This is where futurist philosophies derived from rationalism, the idea that the unimaginable number of humans in the future are so much more than the ones now that it justifies worker exploitation and present harms to make the far future better, falls apart. This is where AI doomerism/utopianism, the idea that general AI is definitely the biggest threat and potential boon facing humanity so we have to put all of our resources into safe AI research at the expense of everything else, falls apart. This is where effective altruism, the idea that we can quantify the outcomes of charity thoroughly enough that it makes sense to hand over direction of all charity to a small group of experts, falls apart.

Because the answer to "what if you're wrong about these philosophies?" is that a lot of people get very hurt. We are flawed. Fundamentally so, and I don't know that anyone has ever proved a way we can get around this. The only thing I know that we can do about this, is to try to behave in ways that minimize harms while trying to make the world better, rather than trying to maximize a hail mary to find the holy grail.

To which I can already hear the rationalists saying that this might not be enough to save the world, that anything but convulsive directed effort focused on is already doomed, so we have to pick one of them.

To which I say. First off, how are you sure of that? How is this a thing that you know for certain?

But more importantly. Yeah. You're right. There's no way of knowing for sure what course of action will make the world a better place. There's no way of knowing that anything short of futurists sacrificing the workers of the present to build a brighter future will be enough.

But if you are actually a rationalist, well. That is what you have to live with. You've got to be the scientist looking up at the sun and saying, "I don't know."

And then you should go and do things to make the world better without being sure of your prognostication of the future.

[hunnylagoon]

𝐓𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐔𝐧𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐀𝐧𝐢𝐦𝐚𝐥

Chapter One: Be Nice To Me

The Last of Us AU

I barely remember my own name for I am no longer human enough to have one.

Premise: The flames of the campfire fizzled out entirely while Ellie Williams was unknowingly enduring what was the beginning of the end. Following short after, Ellie begins to develop unnatural tendencies that terrify both her and Joel, leaving the two of them to learn what it means to no longer be human.

Warnings: violence / gore if you squint / upcoming angst / weird ass behaviour

I’ve got boulders on my shoulders, collarbones begin to crack. There is very little left of me and it’s never coming back.

Jackson was a small town with little to do if you were a teenager, so the seventeen-year-old residents favoured a drive to Cindersnap forest just on the outskirts to chug back beer and complain every little thing that nipped at their minds. The night sky was so clear that you could count every star, and the air was filled with the scent of pine and the earthy aroma of the forest.

These yearly camping trips shifted in nature when Jesse and Dina got together. Ellie appreciated that they would let her tag along with them but she couldn't help the slight bitterness that crept into her thoughts when she watched the two of them whisper and giggle in hushed tones. It was no different around a campfire than in the school cafeteria or the back of her geography class.

Jesse's playlist hummed softly through an old speaker while Dina stood up, plunging her hand into the cooler to pull out a can of the shittiest beer they could find. "Guys, watch," She spoke, calling the attention over to herself before she punctured a small hole into the bottom of the beer can, cracked the top open and chugged. Dina was far from loving the flavour but drank nonetheless until beer dribbled down her chin and onto her bright red hoodie. 

"Was that meant to be impressive?" Ellie asked but she couldn't fight the smile on her face.

"Yeah, because you can out-drink the shotgun queen," Dina sunk back into her foldable lawn chair, voice dripping with sarcasm.

"Who gave you that title?" Jesse looked to his right to face his girlfriend.

"Sarah McKinnon, April twenty-third," She announced, very matter of factly.

"Didn't realize we were carbon dating," Ellie pushed herself off the log she had been perched on for the last hour while she stared across the fire pit at her two friends through flames the colour of tangerine. "Alright, shotgun queen," She teased Dina, grabbing a beer from the cooler and holding her hand out for the pocket knife "I fear this is the day you get dethroned."

She sucked a sharp breath through her teeth, reaching into the pocket of her hoodie for the blade "I fear you are very mistaken."

Jesse raised an eyebrow, smirking. "You sure you can handle it, Williams?"

Ellie shot him a defiant look, popping the can and preparing to pierce it with the pocket knife. As she positioned the knife, the metal gave way too quickly, and the blade slipped past the can, cutting into her palm. "Fuck," She hissed in pain but simply switched the hand holding the beer can, wiping her bloody laceration onto her denim shorts. 

"Jeez," Dina said, a crease forming between her brows as she watched the blood soak into Ellie's shorts "Might wanna back down."

Ellie ignored her and sunk the blade into the can which sprayed its foamy contents into the fire before she quickly stopped the eruption by attaching her lips to the puncture and guzzling it back, tilting her head upwards to the moon. She crushed the empty can in her hand, smiling victoriously. "What do we think?" She asked "New queen?"

"Debatable, one of us cut their hand open and the other is perfectly intact," Dina held out her palm, expectantly "I'm taking away your knife privileges for the night, you are still permitted to drink beer like a regular human."

"Jesse?" Ellie looked toward the drowsy man, he pulled his hood over his head and leaned back with his arms crossed.

"I hate to say it Dina's got a pretty strong argument," 

"Wow," Ellie drew out "Not a shred of honesty around here."

"Please enlighten me," Dina says, leaning forward, elbows propped on her knees "How was butchering yourself better than my perfect chug?"

She was nearly offended that she had to explain herself "Uh, because I'm gonna have a sick ass scar and I cut myself and kept going."

"That was pretty badass," Jesse nodded.

"Yeah, sure," Dina scoffed though her tone was light-hearted "I expect you to write me an apology song for getting blood on my knife but I'll also accept gift cards."

"Too bad I will not be doing either of those things," Ellie wrapped her flannel higher around her body. She held her bleeding hand out in front of her, watching the red liquid pool out and drip down.

Jesse caught onto this small act "Does it hurt?"

"Nah," Ellie looked up at the pair, flyaways had fallen out from her ponytail and framed her freckled face "I should probably call it a night though." She could feel eyes on her as she rose to her feet, awkwardly holding her hand out so she didn't wreck her clothes further. Part of her wanted to stay up until the morning light hung overhead but the more rational half of her brain kindly reminded her that the last time she was tipsy by a fire she lit the cuffs of her pyjama pants on fire and had to endure the jokes to that very day.

"Goodnight," Jesse readjusted in his chair, tugging on his hoodie strings to tighten the hood clinging around his head.

"Night, Els," Dina gave her a little smile, scootching her chair closer to Jesse.

It would've been nice if they thought ahead enough to bring bandaids but alas, Ellie had to pour some water from her plastic bottle over it and let the cut encrust with a scab. Though the campsite was barren that night, usually, she could hear the sounds of families and couples chatting amongst themselves but then it had only been crickets chirping between blades of grass and the distant sound of her two friends laughing.

It wasn't rocket science to remember where they pitched their tents, it was the same every time they visited the sight: right next to the wood-splitting block, a red axe wedged in the center for whoever needed to cut firewood. 

She paused, her senses sharpening. The habitual sounds of crickets and rustling leaves seemed to have stilled. The hairs on the back of her neck stood up as if responding to an unseen presence. Ellie turned her head slowly, scanning the darkness. She couldn't shake the feeling that eyes were on her, watching from the concealment of the trees.

Without waiting another beat, Ellie ducked into her tent, bright yellow and a stark contrast to the black one that Dina and Jesse would be sharing. That was another thing she hadn't been fond of when the couple started dating, they used to share one big tent to simply sleep under the stars but now that they were separated Ellie was still kept awake by the pair's constant flow of conversation.

Ellie didn't bother to change out of her flannel, all she did was take her bloodied shorts off and slip into a pair of clean sweatpants. She wasn't one to be neurotic over what she wore, especially when she was camping and the only ones to behold her were the beedy eyes of animals. 

She lay in her sleeping bag, nestled within the comforting embrace of her tent, a duffle bag propped under her head as a makeshift pillow. The day had been long and filled with hours of roaming around the woods and eating smoked hotdogs by the lake. As the night dragged on, Ellie's weariness grew, her eyelids heavy with exhaustion. Despite her unease, sleep eventually claimed her, and she drifted into a fitful slumber.

It was nearby rustling that had woken her. She heard it then, pounding against the beaten dirt ground, at first Ellie had assumed it to be either Jesse or Dina until she checked her phone and saw the time read two thirty-seven am. Looking at the thin walls of her tent she was searching for the warm surge of light peaking through that signalled her two friends were still at the fire though all that shone was dim moonlight, no sign the pair were even in the vicinity.

A low, menacing snarl, so deep it reverberated through her bones. The sound was close, too close. Her breath hitched, and her heart pounded in her chest. She could barely make out the shape of something moving just beyond the circle of light cast by the moonlight, a hulking shadow blending into the darkness and dancing on the canvas of her tent. 

With the sound of a guttural growl, her heart lurched in her chest. Fear shot through her veins like ice as she realized she was no longer alone in the darkness of her tent. She scrambled to sit up, her hand instinctively reaching for the zipper to flee, but before she could even make a move, a massive weight crashed into her. A muzzle with jagged black rotting gums tore through the yellow polyester tent.

Pain exploded in her thigh as sharp teeth sank into her flesh, tearing through fabric and skin alike. Ellie screamed, her voice drowned out by the ferocious growls of the creature attacking her. She fought back desperately, kicking and flailing, but its grip was unrelenting, its strength overwhelming.

Through the haze of agony and panic, Ellie caught a glimpse of yellow eyes gleaming in the darkness, filled with primal hunger and fury. It was a wolf, its fur matted and stained the colour of a rusted penny with dried and crusted blood, a creature driven by instinct and desperation. It was unsettlingly large, it’s haunches muscular.

It had felt like every part of her leg was torn apart, fangs clamping down in a new spot every time to get a good grasp of its prey. It was like someone was using a dull axe to butcher her, an axe so dull you had to muster up all of your brute force to make an impact and whoever was wielding the axe wasn't a skilled woodsman, their cuts were messy and they never landed in the same spot. Ellie was sure this would be it for her, dead in the Cindersnap forest, her remains never to be found, discarded in her ruin of a tent until animals picked apart her dead carcass. 

Her mind raced, adrenaline coursing through her veins as she fought for her life. She clawed at the ground as the wolf began to drag her away from the tattered wreckage, her nails leaving marks on the ground as cried out. She could feel her strength waning, her vision blurring as darkness threatened to consume her.

Just when she was ready to end her thrashing and let herself be eaten alive, a flurry of movement and shouts echoed from nearby. Through the haze of pain, Ellie heard Jesse and Dina's voices, their cries filled with fear and urgency. They had heard her screams, and now they were screaming themselves. 

Jesse didn't wait another second before he pulled the red axe from the wood-splitting block, he raised it over his head as he had practiced for years of cutting logs and brought it down onto the spine. The wolf let out a yelp, its body contracting, teeth scraping over Ellie's calf as it turned its attention to Jesse. 

He didn't want to take the risk that it would take its turn at him or Dina, so he swung again, hitting it in the neck. Jesse's grip had slipped from the handle, letting the axe sink into the neck, the wolf staggered and whined. It growled low for a few moments that stretched into eternity until its abnormally large body collapsed on the ground over the top of Ellie. She could hear its ragged breath, see the life slipping from its amber eyes as its sanguine blood pooled over her. 

Everyone waited for the animal to go limp but it just writhed there until Jesse used his foot to repeatedly kick the beast until it rolled off Ellie, he pulled the axe out and swung again, this time it fell flaccid, with no more unsteady rise in its chest. Just stillness.

"What the fuck!" Dina shouts, her arms thrown out in front of her in exasperation, eyes pulled wide by the terror before her.

Dina ducked down, hooking one of Ellie's arms around her, urging Jesse to grab his car keys from his bag. In a short amount of time, both of them were on either side of her, supporting Ellie while they practically hauled her to Jesse's truck, leaving everything behind.

Both Dina and Jesse were speaking affirmation into her ears, trying to reassure her that this memory would long pass them but everything just rang in her head, mind going numb. 

She couldn't focus on anything other than the bloody mass that consumed her leg. Long serrated wounds and sunken teeth markings lined all the way up her leg, from the scrapes on her thigh to the flab of flesh on her calf that was being held together only by tendons. She finally released the sob that was building in her throat, it was like every awful thing she had ever felt was seeping through the gaps of her teeth. 

Looking down at her clothes soaked in blood that wasn't one hundred percent hers and clung to her body she saw her future slipping away. The soccer scholarships she had put everything towards gone in the span of the few minutes that it took the wolf to maul her.

They reached the car, and Jesse opened the back door while Dina carefully eased Ellie into the seat, trying to keep pressure on her wounds. Blood stained the seats, but that was the least of their concerns. Jesse jumped into the driver's seat, starting the engine with shaking hands. Dina climbed in beside Ellie, never taking her eyes off her friend and gently caressing her head with wiry hands intended to soothe.

Inside her head, thoughts rang through like bullets, each coming faster and more panicked than the last. She couldn't look at Dina or the street lights gliding past them, it was just Ellie staring at her near mangled leg. She couldn't even hear her heart beat like it was a prisoner to her rib cage. She closed her eyes, clamping them and trying to wake up from this terribly painful nightmare but there it was burned into the forefront of her brain, the wolf with rotten gums and jagged teeth digging into her leg and peering into her head with those loathsome yellow eyes. 

"Ellie?"

Ellie groaned and blinked several times, trying to get her eyes to readjust to the stark light flooding into her bedroom from the hallway. It had been three days since the mauling and Ellie was more than happy to seclude herself so she could avoid those pitiful stares from the public.

Joel stopped in the doorway as his eyes hit the darkness of the room. The first sign that something was really wrong was just how dark it was. There were blankets up over the windows, blocking out any trace of daylight that might be able to bleed its way in. In the blackness, as his eyes adjusted, he could see her in the middle of her bed, blankets pulled to her neck despite the warm weather, facing away from him, staring at nothing.

"Kiddo, are you sure you don't want me to take the day off?" He furrowed his eyebrows, studying the limp figure of his daughter. She had been in the exact same position when he came into her room the night before.

"Yes."

His eyes shifted to the plate of food he had left on her dresser last night before he went back to the dining table to eat his dinner alone. The pasta was untouched, the sauce became gelatinous, and everything in the bowl just stuck together as one thing. With a disgruntled sigh, Joel took the cold bowl of pasta and replaced it with warm French toast and a little side of syrup. "Ellie, you gotta eat something."

"Okay." She had been saying that for the last three days, agreeing with whatever Joel asked of her without actually doing it. This included showering, her auburn hair was greasy and unkept in a ponytail. The gauze wrapped around her leg and tucked beneath the splint was beginning to smell like vinegar.  "I mean it," He said firmly "It doesn't gotta be this breakfast, you can go downstairs and get something from the fridge or ask Dina to bring some takeout, maybe Tommy and Maria could come over and cook ya something. Some sunlight wouldn't hurt either."

"Okay," Ellie repeated, voice mellow. Had there been another source of noise in the room Joel wouldn't have heard her at all.

The animosity simmers for a minute while Joel regards her with fretful eyes "Is it the painkillers?" He asked "Or the antibiotics? We can try a smaller dosage."

The figure on the bed looks lifeless, had she not spoken to him moments prior, Joel would've assumed the worst. She only been released from the hospital the morning before and she had spent her entire time back home staring at her wall like a blood-sniffing shark.

"I can't sleep," She said, voice flat. "I'm so tired and I can't sleep."

"Do you want me to grab some melatonin?" 

"No."

"Maybe if you got out of bed for a bit it would tire you out."

"Please just go away."

Joel pressed his lips into a thin line, lowering his chin in the slightest "I'm gonna head out now, just thought I'd come to say hi," He waited a moment for Ellie to respond then waited another, accepting the stillness he spoke again "I'll be home at three, maybe we can cook dinner together."

"I just want to sleep."

"Alright," He turned "I'll let ya sleep."

It had been seventy-six hours since Ellie last slept, a moment before she was dragged out of her tent and chewed up like gum between a heavy jaw. She had spent the first two days gazing up at the obscenely bright hospital ceiling, the lights burned her retinas but she couldn't look away. 

In the hospital, she had refused to eat when the nurses insisted she had thrown up her guts and they decided that a drip feed would be mandatory. If only she could sleep or drink. The insomnia was worse than the thirst. It was driving her mad. It had been days, full, entire days since she had slept.

 She was afraid to look in the mirror or at the camera of her phone because she had an idea of the gaunt face that would be looking back at her and the vague idea mortified her. 

On the fourth night from the mauling, something had begun to seethe inside of Ellie, she shot up, drenched in sweat. Her body felt as if it were on fire, a searing heat coursing through her veins. She threw off her blankets in a desperate attempt to cool down, but the air in her room was no relief. The heat radiating through her body was so intense it felt like there were bugs crawling beneath her skin, burrowing and laying their eggs before they chewed their way out. 

She stumbled out of bed, her legs shaky and weak, barely supporting her weight. Her skin felt raw and tender, the sensation unbearable. Instinctively, she began to scratch, her nails digging into her arms, trying to soothe the burning that seemed to radiate from within. The throbbing pain from her leg had been subdued by the fire burning beneath her skin.

Ellie began to scrape the skin on her forearms, followed by her neck, torso and legs, everything was stinging with this scolding sensation. She had gashed at her skin frantically, twisting her body and clawing at it in an attempt to make it stop, all that this did was turn her skin red and leave nail marks across it. 

Summoning all her strength, Ellie crawled to the bathroom. She pulled herself up to the sink, using the counter for support, and then, with determination for this to end, she stumbled into the shower.

She turned the handle to the coldest setting and, without a second thought, stepped under the icy spray, fully clothed. The shock of the cold water took her breath away, but it also brought immediate relief. The burning sensation began to fade as the cold water soaked through her clothes, cooling her fevered skin.

Ellie leaned against the tiled wall, letting the cold water wash over her. Her breath came in ragged gasps, but she felt her body temperature slowly beginning to drop. The pain and burning subsided to a dull ache, and for the first time in what felt like hours, she could think clearly. 

Without meaning to she let out a choked cry, hands running down her face while she looked down at her body. The splint was now soaked with ice water and the red scratch marks covering almost every inch of bare skin visible. 

Ellie stood there, her mind foggy and overwhelmed by the fever. She had no idea what was happening to her body, why it was betraying her in such a painful way. The room spun around her, shadows dancing on the walls, and she fought to stay conscious, fearing what might happen if she let go. Suddenly the concept of sleep was feeling very frightening.

On the fifth night, Ellie had hobbled her way down the stairs, splint dragging behind her after Joel had told her he was worried and went to bed. She was driving herself insane, she could hear her own heartbeat and the wet squelch of her blinking pounding in her ears.

Her thoughts often returned to the shotgun in the shed. She craved death in the same way she used to crave a Gatorade at a track meet. She was loyal to her numbness like a penny in the pocket of a priest. 

She hadn't before thought about killing herself, not until she had been kept awake for five days by the image of glowing amber eyes ripping her apart. Something was most definitely wrong with her body. She knew the very second she looked in the mirror, past her baggy clothes her collarbones had jutted out and her ribcage was prominent beneath freckled skin. How her spine grated against everything she laid across would have almost any other person in a ward.

Joel's casual steps in the hallway had morphed in her ears to the sound of heavy boots stomping on sheets of metal. The night was preferable to the day when children would run through the streets and throw water balloons at each other on neighbours' lawns. Each screeching laugh she heard brought her closer to hammering nails into her ears just so she could avoid those little sounds.

It didn't help that she could smell everything too. Joel's morning coffee was usually the scent that kept her awake staring at the ceiling followed by all of his wallflowers which she had taken the liberty of unplugging and hiding in the shed next to the shotgun. She had also sniffed out her almost ancient body sprays from middle school and thrown them out, it had taken her minutes to source out the smell that was burning in her nose.

What brought her downstairs that night had been her appetite, intense and sinking. She was sure hunger would have killed her. Five days of an empty stomach that rejected everything she put into it ended with a brief shaking moment where she was filled with an insatiable craving that hit her all at once like a thousand knives to the gut.  

During one of Joel's daily checkups, he informed her that he bought ribeye steaks and suggested they have a mini barbeque with Tommy and Maria but Ellie did little more than sink further into the mattress where she had rotted. It was clear with every passing second that something was deeply wrong with Ellie at first she chalked it up to side effects from all the anti-biotics and painkillers and insisted to Joel that was the only issue but with her smell and hearing overwhelmingly strong she was sure the problem was something more unnatural. 

The moon hung low in the night sky, casting a silvery light through the kitchen window. Ellie stood at the stove, the sizzle of the steak in the cast-iron skillet filling the quiet house. The aroma of searing meat was intoxicating, stirring a deep, hunger within her. She tried to ignore the gnawing craving that had plagued her since the transformation, but tonight it was particularly strong.

The house was quiet, but her senses, now heightened beyond the norm, picked up the smallest sounds. She could hear the soft creak of the house settling, the distant hum of a car engine on the road, and something else—something closer.

Her ears twitched at the faint sound of soft footsteps outside. She focused, and the noise became clearer. Tiny, deliberate steps on the wooden porch, accompanied by a rapid, almost fluttering heartbeat. A cat.

On the patio, she could hear the neighbour's overweight calico cat, Fudge. He favoured the Miller household on the nights the Andersons fell asleep before letting him inside. She could hear his little paws padding up the wooden steps and then find his perch on the rails of the patio that Joel renovated himself, they were sturdy enough to support the pudgy cat. 

She turned her attention to meticulously seasoning the steak, her movements precise and controlled, a desperate attempt to hold on to the rational part of her. As the meat cooked, she watched it intently, the marbling of fat melting into the rich, red flesh. The scents were overwhelming, and she swallowed hard, trying to maintain her composure. She stood right in front of it, counting down the seconds she had to cook it.

Compared to Joel, Ellie was awful at cooking meat. He prided himself on his barbeque skills, one of his most valued possessions was his meat smoker and the thoughts of warm July days, sitting on the back porch and eating whatever Joel had cooked made her eyes gloss over with craving. 

After a few minutes, Ellie flipped the steak, listening to the satisfying crackle as it hit the hot pan. Her mouth watered, and her senses were alive with the sounds and smells of cooking. She focused on the task, grounding herself in the familiar routine, hoping it would keep the feeling at bay.

Once the steak was perfectly cooked to a rare finish, she plated it carefully, adding a simple garnish of herbs for no other reason besides she thought it looked fancy. She carried the plate to the dining table, her steps measured and deliberate. She wanted to eat like she used to, to enjoy a meal with dignity and grace, but the primal hunger was a constant, roaring presence in the back of her mind.

Ellie sat down, taking a deep breath to steady herself. She cut the first piece of steak, the juices running onto the plate, and brought it to her lips. The taste was incredible, a burst of flavour that seemed to ignite every nerve in her body. She closed her eyes, savouring it, trying to hold on to this semblance of normalcy.

But with each bite, the hunger grew stronger. It was a living thing, a beast clawing its way to the surface. Her hands trembled as she cut another piece, the silverware clinking loudly against the plate. Her entire body shook as she raised another piece to her mouth, eyes focused on the slab of meat with an untamed desire. 

Unable to resist any longer, Ellie dropped the fork and knife. She reached for the steak with her bare hands, the warm meat pulsing in her grip. She brought it to her mouth, tearing into it with a ferocity that shocked her. Juices ran down her chin, and she barely noticed, lost in the primal act of feeding.

She devoured the steak, her senses overwhelmed by the taste, the texture, and the sheer satisfaction of fulfilling her deepest hunger. It was messy, undignified, and utterly freeing.

When the steak was gone, Ellie sat back, her breathing heavy, her hands and face smeared with the remnants of her meal, juices from her bloody steak dripping down her arms and chin. She bordered between a mix of shame and relief.

Ellie stared down at her empty plate. She was sick. Sick with the hole in her stomach that screamed at her for more, slowly it began to grow.

She rose from the table, her movements now driven by instinct rather than conscious thought. Crossing the kitchen, she opened the refrigerator door, the cold air washing over her. Her eyes scanned the contents hungrily. There, in the pull out meat drawer, were several packets of lunch meat. She grabbed the first one, ripping it open with ease. It was roast beef, and she shoved slices into her mouth, barely chewing before swallowing. The taste was salty, a little too salty yet she still choked it back.

Next, she pulled out a packet of pepperoni, her fingers working frantically to tear it open. The rich, spicy scent hit her nose, making her mouth water. She devoured the entire pack in seconds, the flavours bursting on her tongue, she discarded the plastic packaging on the floor. She reached for more, tearing through packages of ham and turkey, ripping them open effortlessly with her teeth, the cold cuts vanishing almost as quickly as she could open them.

But even after consuming all the lunch meat, she wasn't near satiated. Her gaze fell upon a package of raw chicken breasts. A part of her recoiled at the thought, but the urge overrode any hesitation. She snatched the package, ripping it open, the raw meat cool and slick in her hands. She brought a piece to her mouth, hesitating only for a moment before biting into it. The taste was different, raw and unseasoned, it was delicious.

Ellie ate piece after piece, the raw chicken disappearing into her ravenous maw. She didn't understand the compulsion, the gnawing hunger that drove her to this. The raw meat was smooth and slippery against her teeth, leaving a small coating of gel on her lips. The sensation was alien and unnerving, yet she couldn't stop herself from biting down.

When the last piece was gone, she stood in the dim light of the open refrigerator, her breathing ragged, as she stared at the empty meat drawer. 

She walked to the sink and began to wash her hands and face, the cold water a shock against her skin, grounding her once more in the reality of her situation. She watched as the water ran red, the remnants of her raw feast swirling down the drain. When she was clean, she dried her hands and looked at her reflection in the kitchen window, the moonlight casting her features in a pale glow. The mess she had made, juice from animal carcasses dribbling down her chin and her pale green eyes seemingly brighter than ever. 

Ellie wanted to be terrified by her actions but the truth was that it was the leading cause for her to finally fall asleep when her head hit the pillow. It was also the reason why she woke up the next morning feeling amazing. 

She was up even before Joel. After wrapping her splint in a plastic bag to keep it dry, she stepped into the shower, letting warm water run over her skin. The last few days she felt too weak to even carry her own weight and now she could see the muscle of her skin like she had just gone for a run and they were still burning.

Closing her eyes she gently washed away at the grease of her scalp with her head and shoulders shampoo and scrubbed at her skin with body wash until the smell of the previous night's binge was gone completely. 

For a few minutes, she felt almost at peace until she stepped out of the shower and wrapped herself in a towel. Last night's rampage had been undeniably weird but she kept coming up with new excuses for her behaviour. With extensive googling she found out she wasn't the only one to crave meat so intensely, it was a symptom of malnutrition and while she knew that couldn't be it she tried to accept the coverup to repeat to herself. 

Using her forearm, she wiped the steam from the mirror. She looked at her reflection, expecting to see the familiar face she'd always known. But something was different. She leaned closer, frowning at the sight of her eyes, which seemed to have strange, golden flecks over her usually pale green iris. Shaking her head, she dismissed it as a trick of the light.

She grabbed her toothbrush and toothpaste, eager to complete her morning routine. As she squeezed the toothpaste onto the brush, she caught a glimpse of her teeth in the mirror. She paused, her heart skipping a beat. Her teeth looked sharper and more prominent.

Ellie dropped the toothbrush into the sink, her eyebrows furrowed as she brought unsteady hands up to her mouth. She ran her fingers over her teeth, feeling the unmistakable points of her canines, now lengthened into fangs. It wasn't real, it couldn't be. Maybe her teeth had always looked like that. She pressed her finger into the canine until it drew blood. 

A wave of panic washed over her. She opened her mouth wider, examining the fangs from different angles. They were not the teeth of a human—they were the teeth of a predator. 

It felt like her blood had run cold. Maybe she was turning into a vampire, she remembered watching those corny series about teen girls sprouting fangs and drinking blood. There were werewolves, she had been bitten by a feral beast and barely escaped with her life. 

She never even believed in myths and legends, it felt all too ridiculous to even consider the possibility. 

Ellie hurriedly pulled on clean clothes, the shock of seeing her fangs still reverberating through her mind. Determined, she went downstairs and perched herself at the dining table. She sat hunched over with her phone out in front of her, an absurd amount of unanswered texts that she didn't plan on responding to. Her fingers hesitated over the keyboard. What was she even looking for? Strange teeth growth? Uncontrollable hunger?

She took a deep breath and started with a simple search: 'sudden appearance of fangs'

The results were varied and mostly unhelpful—articles on dental anomalies, vampire fiction, fang cosmetic procedures, teeth shaving, and clickbait about dental surgery gone wrong. Ellie scrolled past these, her frustration mounting. 

She tried another search: 'uncontrollable hunger for raw meat'

This search yielded more unusual results. Articles about rare medical conditions and eating disorders that favoured odd cravings. But also folklore and myths about creatures that fed on raw flesh. She clicked on a few links, her eyes scanning quickly over the text.

One phrase kept popping up: 'lycanthropy.' Her heart pounded as she typed the word into the search bar.

Pages upon pages of information about werewolves appeared. She read through them, her disbelief battling with the mounting evidence. Accounts of transformations triggered by bites, the phases of the moon influencing behaviour, the insatiable hunger for raw meat—all of it sounded disturbingly familiar.

She stumbled onto forums full of people discussing what they would do if they were a werewolf, how they transformed and who would they kill. There were others posting about their favourite horror movies based on werewolves, an entire article about Remus Lupin. She hesitated, then searched for 'werewolf bite symptoms' There wasn't anything useful that she had read. 

All she had were three of dozens of symptoms. Ellie didn't have weird hair growth, super strength, claws, or abnormal aggression. Typing in werewolves onto Google she was met with a subreddit full of discussion. Ellie began writing out her issue, ready to air her weird behaviour to equally weird strangers on the internet who might offer up some answers. 

astronautical: I think I might be a werewolf- Okay, I know I sound really fucking stupid saying that but please just listen to me. Last week I was on a camping trip and was pulled out of my tent and mauled by a wolf, the first three days in the hospital they had to drip feed me because I wouldn't eat and when I got home it was more or less the same. I didn't sleep since the attack until last night after I binge-ate raw meat and dead ass when I woke up my canines were fangs. A couple nights ago I had a weird hot flash kinda thing but I'm far from menopause, it was like my skin was on fire. My hearing and smell is crazy strong, like I can hear the heartbeat of my neighbour's cat. Can someone please tell me if they have experience with werewolf stuff or if there's another medical issue this could point to? I'm not crazy, I swear. 

xHexical: honestly sounds like rabies 

hunnylagoon: bro thinks they're teen wolf 

cocoah00ves: This could be purely psychological. A lot of times animal attacks can cause trauma even if you don't realize it. PTSD can put you on edge which could be why you're hearing and sense of smell seem to be very strong, trouble sleeping and lack of appetite are other symptoms. If you really restricted food for a few days then your body was likely suffering from iron deficiency and was telling you to eat meat. The heat flash could've been caused by your injury and enunciated by your mental state. As for the canines, hallucination, your teeth are not as sharp as you think they are. 

zylez: Mate you have rabies 

aggravating_olive_38: I wish this was real bc it would be sick asf

littlethought63: This that girl from Wyoming? 

schumber: You mentioned a lack of sleep and that might be causing you to spiral a bit. Take some sleeping pills and mellow out. 

dazednaware: I think it's a PTSD response :( try therapy 

     mcwhoremick-responding to dazednaware: try getting some dick you dumb cunt

          dazednaware-responding to mcwhoremick: ???

multifandomtrash258: friendly reminder this subreddit is intended for discussion of werewolves, not fictional stories or roleplay accounts

With an exasperated groan, Ellie turned her phone off and put it face down on the table just as she heard Joel thumping down the stairs. She felt like her brain had rotten entirely, there was no way she had seriously considered that she was a werewolf.

"Wow," Joel said, one hand up his gray t-shirt and scratching his back "You're up."

"Yeah," She tried for a smile but it still came across as melancholic, it was hardly a smile just lips pressed together in a thin line that carried the ghost of one.

"Well-uh, ya' want breakfast?" He asks in a beeline for the coffee maker, pulling out a mug from the cupboard which reads 'Worlds greatest farter (I mean father)' Ellie thought the corniness of it was hilarious and gifted it to him just a month earlier on Father's Day.

"Sure, if you make bacon." 

Joel was a little taken aback that she was finally accepting the invitation to breakfast. He was shocked that she even had an appetite albeit thankful "Sure, kid." He left his mug beneath the coffee maker, as he waited for it to fill he went into the fridge to retrieve the bacon. He opened the fridge, his brow furrowing in confusion as he scanned the shelves. "Ellie, where did that chicken go?"

Ellie's heart skipped a beat, panic rising in her chest. She hadn't thought about the consequences of her meat-eating binge the night before. "Um, yeah, I got pretty hungry last night," She kept her voice as nonchalant as possible. 

"You ate all of it?" His eyebrows furrowed slightly, newly mourning the loss of his forty-dollar pack of chicken. 

"Yup," She was just thankful he hadn't noticed the missing steak and lack of lunch meat. 

 "I'm glad you're eating but Jesus Christ girl," he muttered "Next time don't eat us outta house and home."

Joel expertly flipped the bacon in the skillet, the sizzle of fat hitting the hot surface and filling the kitchen with a mouthwatering aroma. The savoury scent drifted through the air, tempting Ellie's senses as she watched her father work his culinary magic. The smell of the bacon worked to conceal the stench of coffee that Ellie despised. "How many pieces do you want?" He asked her.

She craned her neck up to look at the bacon frying on the pan "Whatever's left."

His brows shot up, wrinkled creases forming on his head. This wasn't the first time Ellie had some odd eating tendencies, when they had first met and she was still in the foster system, she felt too out of place to eat. Once again when she was fourteen and starting high school, she lost all appetite, only picking apart her meals and leaving almost a full plate. Had she not starved herself for five days, Joel would've said something other than "Alright."

As soon as the bacon was cooked to crispy perfection, Joel transferred it to a plate lined with paper towels to drain. He turned to the stove, cracking eggs into the same skillet, the eggs sizzling in the bacon grease. He slid slices of bread into the toaster, the anticipation of a delicious breakfast filling the kitchen.

Ellie's stomach growled impatiently as she watched the food being prepared. The hunger that had plagued her for days now surged back with a vengeance, the scent of the bacon driving her wild with craving. She tried to resist, tried to focus on the eggs and toast that would make a complete breakfast, but her attention was fixated on the plate of bacon. "What are gonna do this summer?" Joel asked. She had intended to work her job at the movie theatre and plan the rest of the summer around that but with her leg torn up she couldn't possibly stand for hours on end, she could hardly walk. 

"I dunno," When Joel placed the plate of bacon on the table, Ellie's restraint snapped. Without a word, she lunged forward, snatching a piece of bacon and devouring it in a single bite. She barely registered the hot grease burning her lips as she reached for another piece, and then another.

Joel watched in surprise as Ellie wolfed down the bacon with alarming speed, barely pausing to chew before reaching for more. He opened his mouth to speak, concern etched on his face, but Ellie ignored him, her focus solely on the plate of meat before her. "Maybe pick up a new hobby?"

The eggs finished cooking, and Joel plated them alongside the toast, but Ellie barely spared them a glance. Her attention was consumed by the bacon, her hunger driving her to eat faster and faster, as if afraid it would disappear if she slowed down.

By the time Joel sat down across from her, his own plate in hand, Ellie had already polished off nearly half of the bacon. She barely acknowledged him as he began to eat, her eyes fixed on the remaining strips of meat.

Joel watched her with growing concern, the realization dawning on him that something wasn't right. "Ellie, slow down," he said, voice firm. "You're going to make yourself sick."

"Sorry," She halfheartedly spoke through a mouthful. 

"Christ," He muttered under his breath, taking a long swig of coffee "What's the plan for today?"

She shrugged "Sleep, I guess." 

He wished Ellie would do anything other than lay in bed and wilt away. Even if she just sat on the porch, he would be grateful.  "You should invite Dina over, she's been wanting to see you."

"Yeah, I know," Ellie's damp hair clung around her neck while she reached forward for more bacon. 

"Are you two fighting?"

"No."

"So what's going on?"

"Nothing, I just feel like shit and want to be alone." 

"Okay," he pressed his lips into a thin line, bringing his mug to his lips while he watched Ellie devour the rest of the bacon, paying no mind to the eggs or the toast. She finished her meal with a large glass of water that she chugged back in mere seconds before plopping herself on the couch and scrolling on her phone. 

As glad as he was to see that his daughter had finally showered and eaten, he had that deep lingering feeling in his gut that something had shifted inside of her. He feared that she wouldn't be the same without soccer or prospects on the horizon. 

While Joel was at work, Ellie had the bright idea of watching werewolf movies to gain some kind of grasp on whatever was happening. She refused to believe it was purely psychological and she was making all of this up in her head.

She started with the classics, fast-forwarding through the filler parts and scrutinizing the beginning when they were bitten and then the transformation. She chewed on a piece of jerky canines separating it with ease, wondering how much of what she was seeing was based on myth and how much might hold a kernel of truth.

Ellie had intended for these movies to be research for her condition, however, she had gotten distracted while watching Twilight and spiralled through the saga. If she really was a werewolf, were there vampires? What about witches? 

Were vampires like Dracula or Edward Cullen? Maybe there was a wide variety of them. It was also a strong possibility that she was suffering from something else like the continuous comments beneath her post suggested.

Rabies didn't click in her head, she had been given a shot almost immediately upon entering the hospital or so she was told. Nothing could rationalize, she was feral at night and that was a fact that she couldn't link to anything aside from insomnia which wasn't known for making people eat raw meat. 

Abruptly she turned the TV off, her thoughts proving to be too overwhelming. She chose to opt for another one of the suggestions under her post, take some sleeping pills and mellow out. It was at three pm Ellie took five sleeping pills and headed to the bathroom to brush her teeth.

Ellie closed the door softly behind her, flicking on the light switch. The harsh brightness of the bathroom light made her squint momentarily, but she forced herself to face the mirror. The reflection staring back at her was both familiar and disturbingly alien.

Ellie parted her lips, feeling her stomach churn with anxiety. She carefully pulled back her upper lip, revealing the source of her dread—her canines were no longer the small, nondescript teeth they had always been. Instead, they had elongated into sharp, pointed fangs, glistening ominously under the bathroom light. It wasn't a hallucination. They were growing even longer than they were that morning.

She turned her head from side to side, examining them from different angles. Her fingers trembled as she touched the tips of her fangs, feeling their razor-sharp edges. It was undeniable; these were not the teeth of a human. 

Tears welled up in her eyes as she grappled with the reality of her transformation. She closed her mouth, trying to make her fangs less noticeable, but the sensation of them pressing against her lower lip was impossible to ignore. 

-

She had successfully slept for seven hours. The moment she woke she had forgotten about her reality until she mistakingly bit her tongue, the taste of iron flooded her mouth and she wanted to cry all over again. 

Ellie lay in bed, her heightened senses picking up the smallest sounds around her. The house was quiet, but outside, she could hear the faint, delicate footsteps of a cat on the porch. The sound was unmistakable: soft pads against the wooden boards, a rapid, fluttering heartbeat. The primal hunger, which she had fought so hard to suppress, flared up once more.

She tried to resist, gripping the sheets tightly. Fudge sat on the spot on the patio that he always favoured. Ellie's hands pressed firmly into her ears as she dug her face into her pillow, trying to ignore the sound of the Anderson's cat stretching and the ravenous knawing inside of her. 

Once again, she was lying in bed and contemplating her own death. She needed whatever this was to go away as fast as possible. She thought she could keep it to herself so she wouldn't have to concern Joel but every passing second her mind flung between crying while she confessed or putting a shotgun in her mouth and pulling the trigger.

Ellie dragged herself out of bed, and moved down the hallway, her eyes lingering on Joel's bedroom door, slightly ajar, he was fast asleep inside. There was a hunger within her, she needed to eat something or she would chew through her own hand.

Back in the kitchen like the night before, there was nothing left for her in the fridge. Ellie moved to the freezer, where more meat awaited. She ripped open a package of chicken breasts, the frozen flesh burning her hands, but she didn't care. She gnawed at them, the icy texture a strange contrast to any other thing she'd consumed. She continued through the freezer, consuming everything she could find: pork chops, sausages, a roast that she chewed on like an animal.

Her fingers claw at the frozen packages of meat. She tore into packs of ground beef and pork chops, barely waiting for them to thaw. The coldness of the meat did little to dampen her fervour. Each bite was a temporary reprieve from the hunger, but it was never enough. Like a nicotine patch, it hardly worked then it was over. 

As the last of the meat disappeared, Ellie stood in the wreckage of her binge, her stomach churning with the mass of food she had consumed. Yet, the carnal hunger persisted, more powerful and demanding than ever. She felt a surge of desperation, a hankering that could not be satisfied by the lifeless offerings of the freezer.

She needed something fresh.

Her heightened senses picked up the faint sound of a heartbeat, the shuffle of tiny paws against the floorboards. Ellie moved to the door, her senses locked onto the cat outside. As she stepped onto the porch, the cat froze, its eyes wide and reflective in the moonlight. It sensed the danger, but it was too late. Ellie's vision sharpened, her hearing intensified, and her muscles coiled like springs. She could hear the Fudge's rapid heartbeat, see the minute twitch of his whiskers, and smell his fear.

Before the cat could react, Ellie lunged. She was fast, much faster than any human could be. Her hands, flexing, grabbed the cat with unerring precision. Fudge yowled, a high-pitched scream of terror, but the sound was cut short as Ellie's teeth sank into its flesh. Warm blood filled her mouth, and the taste sent a shiver of satisfaction through her body.

She tore into the cat with a ferocity that frightened her, the human part of her horrified by what she was doing, yet unable to stop. Ellie was a passenger in her own body. She devoured the cat quickly, the small body offering little resistance as she consumed it entirely, bones crunching under her powerful jaws.

When the last piece was gone, Ellie sat back on her heels, blood dripping from her mouth and hands, her breath coming in ragged gasps. The hunger was finally sated, but the reality of what she had done crashed down on her with overwhelming force. She looked around, dazed, the remnants of the cat scattered around her. The porch was now a scene of carnage.

Tears filled her eyes as she stumbled back inside, slamming the door shut behind her. She rushed to the sink, scrubbing her hands and face frantically, trying to wash away the evidence of her actions. The cold water stung her skin, but it did little to cleanse the horror she felt inside.

Ellie braced herself against the sink, her body shaking with sobs. She had lost control, given in to the craving, and now she was left with the consequences. The taste of blood lingered in her mouth, a bitter reminder of what she had become. Upstairs she could hear Joel shuffling and quickly moved to the sink to wash the blood off her. It was futile, it had covered the bottom half of her face and sunken into her T-shirt and grey sweatshirts.

When Joel reached the bottom of the staircase and saw the numerous empty packets of meat strewn across the kitchen along with the seventeen-year-old frantically wiping at her skin with a dirty dishcloth. Ellie knew Joel was behind her, she could hear his quickened heartbeat. Never had she felt so terrified, she couldn't face Joel and let him see what had soaked into her clothes, all she could do was let out a strangled sound that bordered between a scream and sob. 

"Ellie?" Joel inched closer, one hand gently landing on her shoulder. She dug her face into her collarbone, trying to prolong the inevitable until Joel used his free hand to face her toward him. He staggered back. Joel's eyes widened as he took in the scene before him—the sanguine covering Ellie, the bloodlust burning in her eyes. His voice was barely above a whisper as he spoke, his words heavy with disbelief.  "What the hell did you do?" 

That was how Ellie Williams spent the first week of her last summer. 

3 new messages

ACCEPT|IGNORE

noahson_tickets: Hey

noahson_tickets: You aren't crazy

noahson_tickets: Werewolves are real

[moonspirit]

Hi Moon!

It is likely that the warriors were experimented on by the Marlian government, especially Annie due to the Females titan mimicking ability.

Do u think this will affect them still? How if so? Maybe they have a fear around medical settings, or just tests in general. Considering that Annie is also likely going to be the first ex shifter to have a kid, the doctors are likely to be interested causing this to come up again?

Linking to this, most Titan shifters are careless when it comes down to injures (except the colossal holder cause that won’t end well) so do u think they will constantly be clumsy and hurting themselves without thinking? I like to think that Annie has a nervous habit or playing with her ring, which obviously causes damage (possibly stitches at one point) and Armin lots of stress.

Hello hello!

(Quick edit to add: two fics I've read that talk about this are Little Bird by @aquietjune and Miracle by @flailingkittylover )

You bring up an interesting point! We actually have these pictures of the warriors unit files and the "tests" performed on them. It's in Marleyan, so unfortunately, unreadable, but the photo on the right is of Reiner's legs, I believe. It looks like a leg in the middle of regeneration, but if Annie underwent "experiments" that eventually gave her Zeke's Scream and Reiner's hardening, then it's reasonable to assume the others underwent various such experiments too, atleast in regard to their endurance and titan-specific shifter abilities.

Obviously, they would've been brutal. These were terribly young at the time, a little more so than when we see them on Paradis. I think going through the whole "succession ritual" would've been traumatizing in itself, so to be studied in a lab and have tests performed on them while in human form and also without anaesthetic (because why would they be offered anaesthetic when they weren't even seen as humans) - enough to put a real fear of needles and any sort of medical equipment.

I'm no expert, but trauma of such nature can last years, I believe. Even if you no longer have visceral reactions to needles or tourniquets, the sight of such things can pull severe anxiety and stress out of the body. Thinking about it, I can see RBA having to undergo tests on Paradis too for enlisting in the military. Perhaps blood draws, respiratory fitness and related things. It might've been horrifying to sit through them calmly so as not to arouse any suspicion. Annie especially, since she internalizes a lot of things without sharing and might've suffered through it all alone.

So even when the years pass post-rumbling, there could be a fear of medical settings, as you've mentioned. As for the doctors' being concerned, hmmm, I can see it, especially if Annie's overly concerned with getting tested, treated, checked and such during a pregnancy.

Now, coming to clumsiness!

Personally, it's not as much being clumsy as it is a densensitivity to prolonged pain. I think that to the contrary, RBA would've actually been very careful not to get hurt unnecessarily, as anyone noticing a scratch or a wound healing with steam would be dangerous to keeping their identities secret.

Pain on the other hand, is a different matter. Whenever they had a limb torn or a deep gash opened on their skin as shifters, it would heal within a matter of minutes to hours, with the pain never lasting too long. So prolonged pain for Annie, Reiner and Pieck, would be a foreign thing and quite difficult to get used to. (In contrast Armin, as a shifter from Paradis, would know what continued pain feels like since he inherited the CT only much later in his life).

Annie's ring though... nice headcanon! It's easy to see her playing with it nervously, expecting even the lightest of scratches to heal, but welp, now it doesn't anymore and WHOOPS, lots of blood - Armin's calling that ambulance and crying all over the place.

[connor6sex]

I havent seen enough of jumper/ash perspective to have the fullest view. But i'm pretty happy with this ending. It fucking better be over by now, god willing.

It was largely bullshit, but ya know. I don't mind that. Idk why Squiddo gets to be god, but maybe Squiddo can just do that, have we checked? Maybe they've had this power the whole time. I don't really like that Ash was immortal, but it didn't really matter.

Yes the fish fight was annoying, but it was impressive. It wasn't a test of skill, it was a test of endurance, and neither side gave in. It was awesome (from a viewer perspective) How many lifesteal fights have lasted days like that? It's something memorable.

Sure pb&j had shitty motives, but like. It's lifesteal, no one is Actually Moral. Sure pb&j won the war on banning people for the side of banning people. But ya know, they won. For a moment. This was a rollercoaster stream, both sides had so many moments going for them.

Roshambo and Clown fought amazingly. Clown was locked the fuck in, and he deserved this win. No one but Clownpierce could have done the shit he did. Did he need to use crystals? No. Should he have used crystals? Idk, not up to me. I think it doesn't matter if he breaks that rule because he and his broke way less rules overall.

I loved Ash's plan of a suicide area ban. That was awesome. That was Ash making a sacrifice for the greater good, that was an act of Heroism. That was what he wanted to do, and he found a way to do it. Sure his sacrifice didn't work out, but he was willing to do it. And intent matters here.

Im really happy with the Players win here. They wanted people banned, and now the server is dead. They won. PB&J ended with wanting to get rid of the Players, and they didn't. There was a clear vicotry here, and I'm glad in the end they sorta accepted that.

Branzy was so great here, he was on teh Players side the whole time, always has been. He was recruited a long while ago by Mapic and Zam. He agreed to work with them. PB&J not knowing that was great.

Branzy won this. Branzy took the season dub. Branzy and Clown won this world. Love Wins. Not peace, not death, but Love wins. And Roshambo. Love and Roshambo.

[littlerocks]

This scene is wonderful, the scene where vinee given the medal to the firefighters, it appears the perosne they love, their family: hen with karen and her children, Chim with Maddie, Eddie with Chris and marisol and Tommy with Buck (with that look so proud of his boyfriend, from "that guy is coll" to "that guy is mine") and finally tommy feels inside a family

The fact that Tommy is a diminutive of his real name Thomas and so not his actual name destabilized me ahahahh

I was thinking the fact that with Tommy they show buck, and as if they want to make it clear that he actually doesn't have any figure that can correspond as a family, and that with buck, he found that feeling of family (?). I hope they will show something from tommy's past because then we will understand his character even more

However that look of buck, in observing tommy, full of pride and love is beautiful, it's literally "that handsome guy, that hot pilot who flew over a hurricane and saved everybody, he's my beautiful boyfriend."

As for the hen and karen family, I'm too happy to see Mara so happy to finally have a family that loves her, and she's no longer that scared mara of the first episodes but she has found in hen, karen and denny her family that will always protect her

"Enjoy it while it lasts" this cynical sarcasm of tommy i love him, simply he is like this and i love him so much, like buck loves him

Tommy's sarcasm, when he makes quips, it's not making fun like denigrating a person but it's those jokes, the kind of sarcasm that you make when you know the other person and you know you can do because they don't take it in a negative way and in fact laugh about it, and for me that's what buck and tommy do, like while they're texting, like tommy makes jokes that are a little bit cynical, that kind of thing and buck countering but in a funny way

However Ravi represents me, literally it's me going to parties, just to eat

My guess is that when buck sees Gerard, and says "that's him, huh?" with that sigh, he was already preparing himself to endure the negative things gerard would say toward tommy or 118 in general

Just heard gerard's voice, chim with that face like "oh no then, my biggest nightmare came true," tommy has a face like "really this is coming to talk to us?"

Chim literally the protector of tommy and buck, like "do you have something against them?" automatically you have something against me

Then that "line" of gerard about "i heard you got your wings", i want to see gerard to use a helicopter in a freaking hurricane, risk his job to help his friends, in my opinion, if there was no chim to put him in his place, buck would have done like: give his plate to tommy saying "wait a minute" he walks up to gerard and says to him "tommy had such courage to fly a helicopter, going inside a hurricane to save those people, while risking his job and you don't even have a quarter of his courage and love for his job to do this act of bravery" and then finish " and also this beautiful hot pilot with even a medal of honor is none other than my beautiful fiancé, so don't you ever try to insult or denigrate him again" like it would have been beautiful, but we have however at the same time Chim putting him back in his place and finally silencing him. FORCE Chim we are all with you

CHIM FOREVER, WE ARE ALL WITH YOU IN DESTROYING GERARD

Buck giving that look gerard, and kind of warning look, like woe is you if you hurt tommy again, or chim or hen and everybody else in 118

This scene is beautiful, literally scene between father and son, where the father telling the son that he is proud of him, his evolution as a person and also he even gave his blessing to tommy, typical father, too beautiful this scene

"tommy is a good person, and good for you" "how do you know?" "because we haven't talked" and buck smiling happily, like you can see that buck is happy to be with tommy such that others can see it too, I'm too happy

Then we got the testimony that tommy and buck see each other in the evening, and maybe they even sleep together, that duffel bag that buck gets him ready to go to tommy's is the testimony, and maybe that's because we see tommy at the hospital in 7x10 like buck going home to tommy's (I hope so, and I hope they show tommy's house) and like they are ready to go to sleep and then buck is called and he is told that bobby is in the hospital and they both go there, anyway before that it would be nice to also see a little scene of buck and tommy together of like them gaurding the TV or eating together, that would be beautiful

However buck and tommy literally are made for each other, in the sense that they found each other and they are right for both of them, like buck found in tommy a person who loves him and even shows it, such as going to the hospital even though he had a stressful shift and went anyway because he knew it was important to buck and he went anyway even though he knew he was tired and all dirty, without even changing or cleaning up because he was already late and didn't want to be even later, and so for me tommy is the kind of person who maybe doesn't say it in words that he loves a person but shows it through attitudes

While for Tommy in my opinion he found a family in Buck, in the sense that in my opinion Tommy has a troubled past, perhaps with the family and therefore he has never managed to be part of a family and the moment he met Buck he finally did feels like a family, also adding 118, and perhaps as if throughout his life he has always had to manage on his own, in the sense that when he needed a person to console him or who was there to help him, or just to comfort him, he never had it and as soon as he met buck he finally found that kind of person who knows that if he had a bad moment or a bad day, he knows that buck would be there ready to console him, even like cooking something just to say "I'm here with you and I'm not leaving, and you know that if you need to let off steam I'm here for you"

I like the two of them together too much, because yes they are different in character, but it's not that being different in a negative way in the sense that they can't be together because that being different is too much to handle, while they although they are different, manage to fit together and create a beautiful bond

[canonbibuckley]

so where's the coda / spec fic with buck going to tommy's after visiting eddie, his best friend, and being like "so sorry i'm late, i had to -- eddie's going through a thing right now, i had to stop by there first, i'm worried about him but -- i'll let him tell you" and they try to continue their date night like normal but tommy, his boyfriend, is acting weird bc seeing g*rrard was triggering and he's having Big Feelings about what he's endured and who he used to be and whether or not he deserves this, deserves Evan, who so clearly loves all his friends and goes to bat for them whenever he can, and buck for the second time that night has to talk gently to someone he cares about, telling him "you are not your past, you've come so far, you are worthy of love" and then Evan "i'm a fixer" Buckley gets the call informing him that bobby and athena, his parents for all intents and purposes, are in the hospital after a fire burned down their house.

[pinkrangermemes]

EPIC: The Musical

lyrics that absolutely fuck me up, feel free to change pronouns and such as needed

"A mission to kill someone's son, a foe who won't run, unlike anyone you have faced before."

"I'd rather bleed for you."

"This is the will of the gods."

"Don't make me do this."

"The blood on your hands is something you won't lose. All you can choose is whose."

"You're as old as he was when I left for war."

"How could I hurt you?"

"I'm just a man who's trying to go home."

"When does a man become a monster?"

"When does the reason become the blame?"

"Forgive me."

"We should try to find a way no one ends up dead."

"You can relax, my friend."

"Think of all that we have been through. We'll survive what we get into."

"This life is amazing when you greet it with open arms."

"I see in your face there is so much guilt inside your heart."

"Have you forgotten to turn off your heart? This is not you."

"Have you forgotten your purpose? Let me remind you."

"Don't forget that you're a warrior of a very special kind."

"Don't disappoint me."

"What gives you the right to deal a pain so deep?"

"Don't you know that pain you sow is pain you reap?"

"Your life now is in my hand."

"A trade, you see. Take from me like you took from me."

"You shall be the final man to die."

"It's just one life to take."

"When we kill him our journey's over."

"Captain?"

"You've hurt me enough."

"When I kill you, my pain is over."

"Mark my words now. This is not the end."

"Remember them."

"Who hurts you?"

"If nobody hurt you, be silent."

"He's still a threat until he's dead."

"Finish it."

"What good would killing do, when mercy is a skill more of this world could learn to use?"

"The blood we shed, it never dries."

"I am your darkest moment."

"I am the infamous _______!"

"This way, you won't disappoint me."

"This way, you won't waste my time."

"Unlike you, every time someone dies, I'm left to deal with the strain."

"I'll remind you, I saw you as a friend, but now we're done."

"This way, you won't plague my life."

"This way, you'll close the door and have your damn goodbye."

"Since you claim you're so much wiser, why's your life spent all alone?"

"You're alone!"

"This day, you sever your own head."

"This day, you lost it all. Consider this as my goodbye."

"Don't forget how dangerous the gods are."

"How much longer 'til your luck runs out?"

"You rely on wit, and people die on it."

"I still believe in goodness."

"Lead from the heart, and see what starts."

"And what will we do when it tears us apart?"

"You're like the brother I could never do without."

"How much longer 'til your strength takes leave?"

"I can't have you planting seeds of doubt."

"Keep your friends close and your enemies closer."

"Sometimes killing is a must."

"Friends turn into foes and rivalries."

"Never really know who you can trust."

"The end always justifies the means."

"So much has changed, but I'm the same."

"I'm left without a choice and without a doubt."

"Ruthlessness is mercy upon ourselves."

"You are the worst kind of good 'cause you're not even great."

"You are far too nice."

"Mercy has a price."

"Unlike you, I've got no mercy left to give."

"The line between naivete and hopefulness is almost invisible."

"What have you done?"

"I am your darkest moment, the monster that always draws near."

"Remember me."

"There's only so much left we can endure."

"Think of your past and your mistakes."

"No, I'm not a player. I'm a puppeteer."

"I can hardly sleep now, knowing everything we've done."

"It's a game of wits, but you don't have to play."

"A foe like ____ is not to be messed with."

"You could be hurt or you could beat her."

"I'll help you conquer her."

"Wouldn't you like your outcome preferred?"

"Don't thank me, friend, you very well may die."

"Did you do something to them?"

"I don't know who you are or why you're here, but let me make this one thing clear."

"I've got people to protect, friends I can't neglect, so now there is no turning back."

"Back at home my wife waits for me. She's my everything, my _____."

"Maybe showing one act of kindness leads to kinder souls down the road."

"This land confuses your mind."

"All I hear are screams every time I dare to close my eyes."

"I no longer dream, only nightmares of those who've died."

"Why would you let _____ live when ruthlessness is mercy?"

"I keep thinking of the infant from that night."

"____, when you come home, I'll be waiting."

"Even if you're the last thing I see, I'll be waiting."

"I took too long."

"I'll always love you."

"Your past is always close behind."

"I see a song of past romance."

"I see portrayals of betrayal and a brother's final stand."

"I see a man who gets to make it home alive, but it's no longer you."

"We've suffered and sailed through the toughest of Hells, now you tell us our efforts were nothing?"

"I see a wife with a man who is haunting. A man with a trail of bodies."

"How has everything been turned against us?"

"How did suffering become so endless?"

"Do I need to change?"

"What if I'm the monster?"

"What if I'm the problem that's been hiding all along?"

"If I became the monster, and threw that guilt away, would that make us stronger?"

"So what if I'm the monster lurking deep below?"

"If I gotta drop another infant from a wall in an instant so we all don't die, then I'll become the monster."

"I'll become the monster."

[mama-qwerty]

a curious question I want to ask you, what do you think of a au where Eclipse was raised alongside Shadow and Maria on the Ark and Eclipse's creation was sort of a power balance between the ultimate lifeform in Project Shadow also what do you think of the sibling dynamic with Maria, Shadow and Eclipse be like?

Oh, that's an interesting question.

I could see Eclipse being the weapon Black Doom wanted Gerald to make in the first place. Maybe the Black Arms scientists don't have an adequate 'imagination' to create a bio-weapon, so BD enlisted the help of Gerald to do so. Gerald used full strength Black Arms DNA to create Eclipse, and the darkling is essentially exactly what BD wanted in Shadow.

Shadow, however, was Gerald's pet project. He snuck a teeny bit of Black Arms DNA and merged it with the DNA from a quill he found on one of his off-world expeditions, and ba-da-bing, ba-da-boom, Shadow was born. He was meant to be Maria's protector, her savior, her emotional support animal. And he performed exactly as Gerald wanted. The unlimited chaos energy and other powers were secondary and a little unexpected, honestly.

Shadow and Maria are thick and thieves, always together and learning and snuggling and sharing an emotional bond stronger than any Gerald had seen before. He's so pleased with himself for Shadow's success.

Eclipse . . . doesn't understand it. Black Arms are not known for their emotional attachments, or their need for connection past the hive mind link that delivers orders. But Eclipse doesn't have a hive mind link. He's separated enough from the Comet that he hasn't connected to it, and thus, is alone. Gerald makes sure to keep him separated from Shadow and the rest of the Ark, because he's a product created specifically for BD. And maybe Gerald's having a little moral dilemma for creating something that could pose a threat to Earth and everything he holds dear.

So Eclipse spends his days alone in the lab. Enduring test after test. He watches the comings and goings, but ultimately doesn't know how to feel regarding all this.

And maybe Maria and Shadow sneak into the lab one night, after everyone else has gone to bed. And they sit before Eclipse's tank. Maybe Shadow can hear Eclipse's thoughts, and tries to reach out to him, let him know he's not alone.

And Eclipse's eyes snap open at the first feel of Shadow's thoughts in his mind. The two stare at each other, sending messages back and forth, while Maria looks on, keeping watch to make sure they're not caught.

Maybe this becomes a nightly ritual for them, and soon the all become closer. Maria and Shadow reach out to Eclipse, trying to include him in games and fun things. As much as they can, anyway.

And Eclipse starts to understand this connection. This need for companionship. This desire to form bonds with others.

And the three become close.

Then Black Doom arrives to retrieve his weapon.

Gerald tries to buy time. "It's not ready," he claims. "I'm still running tests." BD doesn't buy it and orders his warriors to attack, to take that which he deemed created in his name. The Ark is overrun. Maria and Shadow try to get Eclipse out of there, but they can't. Maria is injured, and Shadow drags her to the escape pod. She shoves him in instead, insisting that he's the only one who can stop the Black Arms, should they get to Earth. She sends him away.

Eclipse finds Maria as she's hidden herself in a dark corner. She's fading, and he sits with her as she draws her last breath.

Eclipse looks toward the chute where Shadow's pod was ejected. The warriors are coming. He gently lays Maria down, and leaps through the ejection tube, heading down to Earth to find his brother.

[lovecolibri]

SaL anon here bestie, ready with the gin to endure whatever nonsense Eddie's plot is devolving into this week. God I hope the focus on Henren or Bathena so I can walk away with some sense of satisfaction. I'm not even going to attempt to say something good might come out if it, since history isn't on our side this season wrt Eddie. Tim needs to lay off his Hitchcock obsession, he did Psycho on LS last season, is doing Vertigo now, and both plots were utter nonsense. At least I got a good laugh today looking at the stills from the Oliver and Lou interview. Somebody should have told Oliver to blink 3 times if he's there against his will, though the fact that he looks like he's actively leaning towards the nearest exit probably says it just as well.

Yeah, the sooner bucktommy ends the happier I'll be. The relationship itself is fine, on par with every other BS relationship Buck was in really, but the fandom around it is exhausting and the active attempts to erase any semblance of Eddie in Buck's life is just so, so dumb (and pointless, like Buck wouldn't be the same without Eddie in his life just as Eddie isn't the same without Buck). Anyway cheers friend, we're on the precipice of something that looks both exciting and annoying, let's hope the scales tip in our favor 🍷🍸🥃.

Well, as I'm sure you guessed by my late answer, I saw this and waved at you from post limit jail, due to the d20 finale last night. I wish Tumblr would have a pop up like, "hey, you have 5 posts left before you hit post limit today!" or something so I could prepare!

So, good news, the Bobby and Henren stuff was *chefs kiss* angsty and dramatic and pulled at my heartstrings! The Bobby montage as he's giving his Captain Dad advice and having Buck cook, and calling Hen "Mother Hen" (while looking at Buck and Eddie 👀👀👀), giving the prayer book to Eddie, giving tips to Ravi, calling out orders on scene, it was all so much! And GOD, them taking that poor little girl away, and Denny stepping between that man and his sister, I was in TEARS! The Bobby and Athena talk got me too, and then him seeing his dead dad?! Bobby is going THROUGH IT and I ate it up!

As for Eddie I- legitimately do not know what to say. The whole thing was a mess, Kim giving herself bangs?? to roleplay with a stranger?? was just SO WEIRD and off-putting. Sorry I guess I'm just a hater but I think Eddie getting stuck with actresses like GW and EG means that him having scenes with anyone else feels good? but I'm not falling all over myself about any magical chemistry 🤷🏻‍♀️I hate this storyline and I'm tired of the narrative that this was some great love Eddie is missing out on when season 2-3 gave us actual canon evidence that it isn't true, and it feels more like Tim wanted Devin back and thought he could get away with it now that the audience had some space and KR spent all last season pretending Shannon was some saint (when he killed Shannon off so quickly originally because he said the audience wasn't going to forgive her and he didn't want to waste screentime on that when grief tied in with anger and abandonment was a more interesting storyline for Eddie and Chris). I'm also VERY curious about where the "Eddie realizing he's been looking at the relationship with rose colored glasses and living in delusion about it" is because GIRL that wasn't it. Eddie crying about her being the great love of his life and how they could have had it all is NOT him taking off the rose colored glasses, no matter how pretty Ryan looks when he's crying.

ANYWAY. I was already not on board with this but the writers dragging Chris into it too just gives me the ick. And it might resolve fine, but GOD!! THE JOURNEY MATTERS!! It matters how the characters get places! And this is just...not just a mess but a completely unnecessary one. They could address Eddie's grief and delusions about his relationship with Shannon (and her relationship with Chris because don't think I didn't clock him bringing up her (shit ass guilt trip) letter but not that she abandoned her son and cut off all contact for years) without resorting to trashy soapy doppelganger nonsense and cheating drama. And it's WILD because Bobby's arc this season and his relationship with Athena, and Henren's storyline have been SO GOOD, and even though there were some pacing and tone issues, even the Madney stuff has been good (and Kenny always slays the dramatic arcs!). Buck has taken a mostly supportive backseat this season which, while I ADORE him, was needed after the mess KR made of his character and her apparent lack of interest in the majority of the other main characters and his personal storyline (the bi realization, being Eddie's partner for all the big emotional talks) is also fine, it just got hijacked by some absolutely bizarre shipping strangeness over a couple minutes of screentime. But GOD Eddie's shit has been such a weird mess! It wasn't enough to be stuck with the transphobe all season, we also had to add in this nonsense?! Thanks, I hate it. At least we might finally be allowed to let Shannon go?? I am literally begging at this point.

As for th b/t of it all, I have literally blocked it from my mind and out of my existence (the ONE perk of my tumblr app still not working and having to do most of my stuff in my phone browser means I haven't really seen my dash lately and I've been smart about staying out of the tag for once) because it's just not worth the headache the bad takes give me. I'm just...so tired. I was willing to watch it play out (felt very much like Ali as the first step post-Abby, something background setting up for more later *cries in s4 Buddie canon*) but go at this point I just need it to be over for EVERYONE'S sanity. Especially Oliver's because like, girl. Why do you look like you're trapped in that loft with MW again?! Why so haunted? Girl, are you okay?? Oliver?? And how he continues to just post Buddie/Ryan stuff?? Loud.

I'm just...tired. So tired. And I need a drink. Imma go find some absolutely filthy/funny/fun Buddie fic and drown myself in that because I have the unfortunate feeling it's gonna be a LONG fucking hiatus.

Cheers friend. I know I always say if we can survive RNM (with it's own doppelganger storyline) then we can survive anything but GOD it would be nice to not have it be so hard.

[your-favourite-plague]

I saw this meme and thought of Kalluto

[uncanny-tranny]

Don't talk to me; I'm still recovering from the fact that the first computer-synthesized voice to sing in 1961 - the IBM 704 - sang Daisy Bell, a love song.

[eternalergo]

called in sick today because had one hell of a night :) migraine and chronic stomach pain my beloved.