#“sex assigned at birth” WHICH ONE?!? How are you even supposed to fill this in

[grayve-mistake]

Happy pride month to this completely incomprehensible bingo card

[backtothefanfiction]

WHAT BENNY DOESN’T KNOW | Chapter 3

A TRIPLE FRONTIER STORY

Summary: When you find yourself stranded at a bar, Will is luckily on hand to take you home.

Warnings: Mature 18+ ONLY!!! The smut train is back kids, you have been warned. This chapter features strong language and scenes of a sexual nature. (oral male receiving, unprotected sex {you know the old saying kids, don’t be silly})

Word Count: 4815

A/N- This ones for the Will Miller fans. I’ve just come from a very chaotic work shift so I cannot wait to get all your wonderful feedback as always to make me feel better. I also want to take a moment to give some unspoken subtext for clarity due to some of the aspects of this chapter. Reader is very open about their body and so all TF gents are aware of birth control situation and that reader is protected in that way. Also I have never been on a motorbike so take this chapter as creative license and forgive me. I also just want to say I have written the Italy chapter which will be coming to you Monday. It is a fucking monster (pardon my language) and I can’t wait for you all to read it, but for now enjoy chapter three.

PART THREE | 6 MONTHS LATER

You and Santiago's had both gone on missions mere days later which saw you away from home for a good six months. When you got back you found that Santi had come back for a few weeks about a month ago but had had to take off again before you'd had a chance to see him.

You had been back for a couple of days and decided to organise an evening at your favourite local bar with your sister for a catch up. You sat on the bar stool waiting anxiously, the bar tender giving you looks of pity ever couple of minutes. You're phone, which you had placed on the bar top pinged and you eagerly checked the text on the screen. 'Sorry, something came up with Jared and I'm not gonna make it. Can we take a rain check?' you slammed your phone back onto the bar top as you let out a small animalistic grunt of frustration.

“Well you look like you're nights going just as well as mine is.” came a familiar voice from beside you. You looked up to find Will taking the seat beside you. “When did you get back?” he asked an arm coming out to wrap around you, pulling you into him.

“Two days ago.” you said into his ear, your head resting comfortably against the top of his shoulder as you hugged him. “What are you doing here?” you asked him as you pulled your arms back, shifting yourself on your bar stool to get a better look at him.

“Shitty date.” he said.

“I didn't realise you were putting yourself back out there.” you said, your fingers reaching to fiddle with your glass in front of you.

“Yeah, well I can't mope around forever.” he sighed deeply. “You want another one?” he questioned, pointing to the now empty glass in your hand.

“Uh, I was supposed to be meeting my sister but she bailed on me.” you began to explain.

“Shitty husband?”

“Shitty husband.” you confirmed. Will was well versed in your family drama. He'd once had to break up a fight between your sister's husband and Benny at a BBQ when Jared had gotten drunk and decided to challenge Benny. It had not been pretty.

“Still you want to stick around for another drink with me or...?” He let the question hang openly in the air between you.

“Sure.” you said. “I mean it'll probably take a while before I can get a taxi home anyway.”

“I've got my bike outside if you want me to give you a lift back, save you spending money on cab. I mean if you don't mind the bike that is?”

You thought about it a moment looking back down at your glass before looking back up to meet his eyes again. “Uh yeah, okay. That'll be great. Thanks.” you said. He turned and gave the bar tender a nod, grabbing you two more drinks.

“So what have I missed?” you asked.

“Well, Pope came back last month. I hadn't seen him since we all went out for Benny's birthday.” you raised your eyebrows in disbelief. “Yeah. We hung out with him a bit while he was back. Kept going on about some girl he'd slept with that night, saying it was the best sex he'd ever had. Brought it up any chance he could get.” you snorted and choked slightly as your drink went down the wrong hole, the statement leaving you shocked. “Hey, you okay?” Will said, a hand gently patting your back.

“Uh yeah. I'm fine, just went down the wrong hole.” you coughed, wiping at your face with your sleeve. “Um did he say when he was coming back next.”

“No. I think he said maybe four months but he said it could be longer depending. What about you? How long you back for?” he questioned.

“Not sure yet.” you replied. “Until the next assignment comes in I guess.”

You carried on talking like that for another 40 minutes, the conversation flowing easily. “Hey you ready to go?” he asked when he noticed you'd finished your drink.

“Uh yeah, of course.”

You followed Will out the front to where his bike was sat waiting. He handed you his spare helmet. “You bring this just in case your date went well?” you teased him, poking him with the helmet before you began placing it on your head.

“Yeah, something like that.” he said, giving you a sheepish grin. He hooked his leg over the bike and you climbed on behind him, your arms wrapping tightly around his torso. “When's the last time you were on a bike?” he asked you as the bike roared to life beneath you.

“Probably Columbia, two years ago.” you shouted over the noise. You felt his body shake as he let out a laugh. He was about to enjoy this.

He took off quickly, speeding out of the parking lot, catching you off guard making you let out a squeal as you took a moment to find your balance. You felt his stomach move beneath your fingers as he let out another chuckle at your expense. You gave him a playful slap before resting your head against his back, easing into the feeling of the air around you and the hum of the engine between your legs. You wrapped your arms tighter around him and buried your nose into him, breathing in his smell. Will always smelt good. He took a hand off one of the handle bars, brushing the back of your hand gently, reassuringly, before securing it back to the bike. The feeling had sent a buzz through your skin and you couldn't help but be aware of the way it passed through your body. You felt a fluttering feeling between your legs and you bit your lip. Uh Oh. No, no this was not happening, this couldn't be happening. You were getting turned on by this.

You quickly adjusted your hold around him, trying to focus and ground yourself but your hand ended up brushing against his crotch. It had only been a brief second but it had made you flinch in embarrassment and you wrapped your arms around him even tighter, pulling yourself forward on the bike, grinding into his butt between your legs. Shit! If he hadn't felt your hand brush against his cock he had definitely felt that. You braced yourself as he stopped at a red light, your breath held tightly in your chest. You nibbled your lip anxiously, your eye's squeezing shut waiting for him to do something, mock you or chastise you. What he did do next surprised you.

He took his hand off the handle bar again, his fingers searching for yours across his abs. He wrapped his hand around them, lifting it gently away from where you had been holding him and intentionally moving your hand down, placing it over the growing bulge in his jeans. You lifted your head up to look at him, but he kept his eyes forward. He let go of your hand, reaching to run his fingers along your thigh, resting against the side of the bike. You licked your lips nervously. What was happening right now?

The traffic light before you turned amber and Will placed his hand back on the handle bars, revving the engine of the bike in preparation but also sending a flood of extra vibrations through the bike that buzzed against your core. You couldn't fault the Captain, he knew exactly what he was doing.

You still had one hand around his waist and one hand over his cock, when he pulled up outside your place. There was a sudden silence as the engine cut out and he climbed off the bike. You couldn't help but watch him intently. Will was more of a man of action than a man of words. He took off his helmet, threading it onto the handle bars, before turning towards you and leaning against the bike. His arms folded before you as he waited for you to gingerly take your own helmet off, not once breaking eye contact with him.

“So what do you wanna do?” he finally asked when you had decided to remain silent. You licked your lips as you thought over the best way to respond.

“Do you want to come in?” was the line you finally decided on, but your voice was timid, it lacked conviction. You wanted him to take control. He nodded slightly before taking a step back, allowing you some room to attempt to get off the bike as gracefully as you could. You placed the helmet on the seat, while Will put his hands in his pockets. He fiddled with his keys as he attempted to hide his nervousness.

He'd be lying to himself if he had said he'd never thought about you in that way before. Seeing you in a bikini when you had all taken a trip to the beach. When you had gone out dancing for his birthday and chosen the skimpiest dress in your closet to wear. On lazy Sundays when you had stayed over at his and Benny's place, your tiny pyjama shorts riding up as you reached for things off the top shelves of their kitchen cabinets. That's exactly where his eyes fell now as he followed you up to your apartment. Your jeans hugging your ass just right as you walked up the stairs ahead of him.

You gave him a sheepish smile as you unlocked the door, ushering him inside. The silence was filled with the clicking of light switches as you began to switch on lamps, creating a cosy atmosphere. He was so stealthy you hadn't notice him come up behind you until you turn and was faced with his chest. You slowly lifted your eyes up, your head tilting to allow you to look at his lips, then up further to his eyes. “Just tell me if you want to stop.” he said before placing his finger under your chin, guiding your face closer to his.

You couldn't even call it a kiss the way his lips barely grazed yours but it was electric, sending shivers throughout your whole body making you want to throw yourself at him. He whispered your name against your lips, a question, he wanted you to answer the previous statement.

You gave your head a slight shake. “No.” your voice was quiet. “No, I don't want to stop.” you closed the gap between his lips and your own, your hands snaking up to wrap around his neck. He wrapped his arms around your lower back, pulling you closer to him, deepening the kiss. You exhaled deeply through your nose as you let out a breath you hadn't realised you'd been holding.

Will brought one of his hands up, to brush away the hair that was falling over the side of your face, getting in the way. He tucked it behind your ear, before letting his fingers rest around the base of your head, his thumb grazing your jaw. You found yourself moaning hungrily into the kiss, but then a thought crossed your mind that made your rapidly break away. “Wait, wait.” you said breathlessly. He dropped his hold around the back of your head and leaned back to get a better look at you. He waited silently for you to continue as you caught your breath. “There's something I have to tell you.” you said licking your lips, already missing the feeling of his against them. You relaxed your hands from around his neck, allowing them to rest on his shoulders and you were glad when he didn't try and pull away. “I was the girl Santiago slept with after Benny's birthday.” you said trying to make your words as calm as possible.

Of all the things Will was expecting you to say, it was not that. He raised his eyebrows in surprise. He pulled his bottom lip between his teeth as he lowered his head slightly shaking it. You weren't sure if it was a grin on his face or a grimace. “I just thought I should say. I don't want to make things complicated between you guys.”

He took a step back from you, a small huffed chuckle escaping his lips as he ran a hand up through his hair. Your face fell to the floor. Shit you'd fucked this up. You shouldn't have said anything. “Does this change everything?” you asked timidly to the floor.

Will chuffed in disbelief. “Are you kidding me?” he asked stepping forward to you, making you look up at him. “If you heard the way he talks about that night. You think I'd give up the chance to experience that?” Your eyes looked at him hopefully. He closed the space between you, smashing his lips into yours, his hands planted firmly either side of your face, not allowing you to get away from him. You flung your arms around his neck and he dropped his own hands down to cup underneath your ass. He lifted you up into his arms seamlessly and began carrying you towards your bedroom.

He took a seat on the edge of your bed so you were straddling his lap. You broke off the kiss, reaching down to lift your shirt up over your head, throwing it across the room, Will following your actions quickly took off his own. He took a moment to take in your boobs, his hands reaching up to grab them, leading your body back closer to his so he could attach his lips to yours again. You fixed your hands around his shoulders, pushing them backwards towards the bed. Your lips followed his the whole way down, your hair falling around both your faces.

You reluctantly broke your lips away, leaning back to flick your hair out of the way, but also to give your hands the space to move between your two bodies as you began to unbutton his jeans. You slid yourself backwards off of Will and the bed, your knees hitting the carpet as you pulled both his jeans and pants down at the same time, his hips lifting slightly allowing you to get them off easier.

You pulled the items of clothing off of his ankles throwing them behind you. You were aware of him shifting slightly on the bed and looked up to find he'd propped himself up on his elbows to get a better look at you on the floor before him. His gaze made you pause a moment, fully taking him in. All of you had been out of active service for years but Will looked exactly the same as he had at the height of his career. You knew his younger brother took good care of his body, what with him now having a ‘somewhat’ career as a prize fighter, but you hadn't realised just how well Will had maintained his muscular physique.

You let your eyes drop from his piercing eyes, letting them trail down the defined lines of his chest then abs, until finally they landed on his half ready member. You looked back up to his eyes, keeping eye contact with him as you sat yourself up properly again, his legs adjusting slightly to allow you a better position between them as your hand slowly raked up the muscles of his thighs until they reached the prize that lay patiently waiting for you at the top of them.

You watched intently as Will's head dropped backwards, his eyes closing in bliss at the feeling of your hands wrapping around his cock, your gentle grasp slowly working him up.  A small grin began to take over your face in reaction to the feeling of his member growing and getting ever harder under your controlled touch, a sensation of power taking over you.

Will let out a breathy groan of satisfaction as he suddenly felt your tongue, swipe up his entire length. “Fuck.” he exclaimed as he pulled his head back up to look at you, one of his arms reaching out to place a caring hand around the side of your head, guiding you as you began to take his length into your mouth. You both made an effort to keep eye contact as you bobbed up and down on his dick but Will lost it when you took him to the point he hit the back of your throat and you gagged slightly. His eyes closed as his head hung back in bliss again. For a moment it felt like he'd died and gone to heaven and it took him a second to put himself back into the room. He couldn't believe this was happening.

You pulled back, allowing yourself a moment to breath, as you used your hand to continue working at his saliva covered cock. Will looked down at you once more and before you had a chance to take his length into your mouth again, he was sitting himself up, reaching his hands out for your face, pulling you into a deep kiss instead. He made you stand up straight and you had to let go of his cock as his fingers brushed down your body until he reached the waistband of your pants. You stared down at him in silence as his fingers began undoing the buttons of your jeans. He leant forward to leave kisses across your stomach as he gently pulled down your jeans and underwear at the same time, just like you had for him. His lips tickled against your skin and you found your hands reaching out to steady yourself against his shoulders as your eyes closed, head relaxing due to the sensation passing from his touch that sent a fuzzy feeling all the way up to the very tip top of your skull.

You felt the fabric pool thickly at your ankles and you maintained your hold on his shoulders as you pulled your feet free from the tangle of denim that engulfed them. He tossed the jeans out of the way with one hand, the other taking a firm hold of your hip, his thumb circling across the bare skin. “Will.” his name fell breathily from your lips and he looked up to take you in, his other hand coming to rest on your other hip, his hold becoming firmer.

“Come here.” his voice came back, gentle yet commanding as he pulled you back onto the bed on top of him as he lay back against the mattress. His hands came up to grasp either side of your head, his fingers tangling into your hair as he pulled your lips down against his own. You felt his tongue brush against your lower lip and you happily relaxed further into his mouth, your tongue coming out to gently melt against his.

You felt his hips grind up into you, his erection rubbing against your clit sending a sensation through your core and you sighed into him. He used the opportunity to suck your lower lip in between his lips, pulling at it slightly, only intensifying the feeling growing between your legs. You felt one of his arms reach around your lower back and before you could even acknowledge the feeling of his other hand becoming firmer on the back of your head, you found your whole body being flipped round, Will settling himself on top of you between your thighs.

He manoeuvred his arm out from under your back so he could run his hand up the length of your leg, encouraging it to wrap around his side. You broke away from his lips to look intensely into his eyes in anticipation. He brushed his thumb across your cheek with the hand that still cradles your head while his other hand lines himself up with your entrance. You exhale sharply when you feel him drag his cock through your slick folds, the tip nudging your sensitive clit. You feel the hand against your cheek grow firmer as he forces you to keep eye contact with him as he gently eases himself into you, your mouth hanging open in a silent gasp as you adjust to his size. You pursed your lips together and you watched as Will's eyes followed the movement before he smashed his lips back against them, his hips rolling himself deeper inside you. You let out another gasp against his lips at the sensation. “Ah fuck.” you breathed the words against his mouth as he gave you a moment to adjust, the hand against your face smoothing your hair back.

You began moulding your lips to him once more and he took that as his sign to begin slowly thrusting his cock in and out of you. He was in the perfect position without even trying, his cock dragging against your gspot with every agonisingly slow thrust. You brought your hands up either side of his face and pushed his forehead into your own as your mouth hung open, breathing becoming laboured. His pace was torturous, controlled, making you feel every motion his cock made inside you. He forced you to continue looking at him, his eyes watching your every facial expression carefully, forcing you to stay in this moment with him, to be aware of every sensation and remember who it was who was making you feel that way.

This wasn't just some quick shag or one night stand, this was a friend making love to another friend. Just like Santiago before him, Will didn't know if this would ever happen again between you and he wanted to make sure he savoured every second. Wanted you to know the love he had for you. He wanted to make you feel good. He wanted you to remember this moment and how he made you feel in it.

Your hips began to squirm as your orgasm steadily built in your core, desperate for something more, desperate for that release. “Will please?” you breathlessly begged against his lips. Will grunted at hearing you begging for him to make you cum, but he didn't want to rush this. He felt your back arch as you tried to change the angle slightly, drive him deeper, reach that release. He snaked his arm around your back, pulling you tighter to his body, lifting you from the bed. Your hold around his neck became tighter and you buried your head into his shoulder as he lifted you up, his cock still deeply inside you.

He turned you both around and he sat on the bed, pulling you down even further onto his cock. The new position really allowed you to grind down into him but forced you to maintain the slower pace Will wanted to keep. “Oh my god.” you groaned into his neck, your head still firmly buried into the crook of his neck. He kept both his arms firmly around your back, forcing your body to remain tightly to him, guiding you as you moved up and down on his cock. The feeling that had built inside you was fit to burst and when he lifted his hips and thrust up into you, you lost out. Your orgasm was shattering and you buried your head even deeper into his neck, your eyes firmly screwed up, tears threatening to spill out of the corner creases from how sensitive you felt.

Will continued to slowly thrust up into you, his arm wrapped around you tightly making you maintain the slow steady rhythm you had created together. Your clit dragged across his skin from how close your bodies were and it did nothing but increase the orgasm taking over you. You're moans of pleasure came out stuttering between breaths as you felt yourself clamped tightly around his cock. You were so earth shatteringly aware of everything.

You forced yourself up straight, wanting to look directly into Will's eyes, allowing him to see the devastation and bliss he was causing you. His lips attached hungrily to yours at the sight. He felt your overstimulated body stutter and freeze, desperate for a break but he wasn't done with you yet. As you tried to take a moment to let your orgasm pass and compose yourself once more ready to do it again, Will lay himself back down upon the bed. With you're arms still wrapped tightly around his neck you happily let your body relax with him, resting against him, your head finding a home in the crook of his neck once more, taking in deep breaths.

He had allowed you maybe two seconds to appreciate and acknowledge your come down before his arms tightened around you, holding you in place against his chest as he brought his legs up onto the bed. He dug his heels into the mattress and began thrusting up into you at a rapid speed. Your fingers clawed at his skin as you felt another orgasm rapidly building inside you once more. You cried out as the sensation took over you once more, your body practically going limp. You attempted to use his shoulders as leverage to prop yourself up, hoping a change in angle would lessen the sensitivity in your fluttering cunt. Will reached up to take your face in his hands. You're arms went weak and gave out slightly and you were grateful that Will did have a hold of your head, to keep it up right.

He maintained each devastating thrust and watching as your eyes became unfocussed, completely cock dumb for him. It was one of the most beautiful sights he had ever seen. “Ah fuck.” he grunted as his thrust became sloppy, his own release so fucking close with how you were looking at him like that. You whispered his name and he lost it completely, his thrusts stuttering as he quickly pulled out, his own release over taking him as he closed his eyes, pushing his head back into the mattress.

He gently released your head from his hold and you relaxed it against his shoulder, your back arched inward, your breathes heavy and laboured as you worked through your come down. Will let out a deep breath he hadn't realised he'd been holding and turned his head to try and get a better look at you. Almost like you sensed what he was trying to do, you lifted your head to meet his eyes. A goofy grin broke out across his face.

You attempted to climb off his lap but your legs were spent and wobbled like a new born deer. He laughed at you as you collapsed onto the bed beside him. “That was,” your voice said heavily beside him, you laughed a giddy feeling from your orgasm washing over you. He propped himself up to look at your face but you just turned it away from him, burying it into the bed, bashful. He laughed at you again before mustering as much energy as he could to stand and go find something to clean you both up with.

When he came back into the room, damp cloth in hand, he watched you intensely, a smile plastered across your face, as you still struggled to make eye contact with him. Your still overstimulated core was making you rub your legs together in an attempt to channel the energy there. He let out a chuckle, he had never had this reaction from being with a girl before and the fact it was you made him feel even more special.

You finally met his eyes and smiled back at him. He felt like you were reading his mind and he too now felt bashful. He tossed the cloth he'd been fiddling with between his fingers at you in an attempt to stop the silent conversation that was going on between you. You caught the rag between your fingers, your body rolling slightly and relaxing as you took him in, your gaze softening.

Neither of you needed to say anything. You both knew what this was. It was a comfortable curiosity. You were his best friend and he was yours. There was no doubt of the platonic love you had for one another and now you just had a greater appreciation for each other.

You cleaned yourself up as Will pulled his boxers back on, before climbing back onto the bed with you. You tossed the cloth across the room, aiming for your hamper but it missed landing on the floor as Will wrapped an arm around you. You cuddled into him, your head resting against his shoulder, his fingers drawing lazy circles across your skin. “I love you.” you said softly but confidently.

“I know.” he said back, leaning down to place a kiss on the top of your head, a content smile fixed permanently to his face.

                                      -------------------------------------------

Hope I didn’t forget to tag anyone and as always if you want to be added to the tag list just pop it in writing and I’ll add you for next time. As always if your tag doesn’t work properly I’m sorry.

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[the-gay-prometheus]

Frankenstein AU Segment: “Always You”

I promised some gay shit today so have some gay shit.

Warning: it is extremely gay, I think.

This lil segment is Henry and Victor being silly and dumb and not realizing until just now that they are desperately in love with each other, and I think that is very gay of them.

Anyways actual little mini warning for this one: Victor refers to his assigned gender at birth and also mentions his deadname at one point in this segment. I know for some trans folks, reading things where a trans person makes a reference to their AGAB and/or their deadname it can be triggering, hence why I’m making this warning just to be on the safe side. The entirety of this segment is genuinely wholesome though, so no other warnings needed to my knowledge.

On a completely different and random note, “In A Week” by Hozier is officially Victor and Henry’s love song, and no I will not be accepting constructive criticism on that.

As always, likes, reblogs, and comments of any kind are greatly appreciated!

~~~

The peaceful song of crickets chirping was interrupted only by the occasional trilling call of a boreal owl which seemed to echo across the cliffs and peaks. Above the gnarled branches and wispy needles of the pines the moonless sky was illuminated by uninterrupted glimmering starlight. Victor and Henry lay atop a massive boulder they had climbed in the midst of the woods, savoring the moment alone together as they stared up through the canopy above into the shimmering heavens, each with their hands folded over their chests. Though Henry was entirely still, Victor tapped his fingers against the back of his other hand as he picked through the millions of thoughts racing through his head. “You shouldn’t stay,” he mentioned suddenly. Henry glanced over at him. After a long pause, Victor continued. “I mean you shouldn’t stay here. You’ve… you’ve got your whole life ahead of you.”

“So do you,” Henry answered, turning onto his side and resting his elbow on the stone and his head on his palm. Victor turned to look at him.

“No, not really. I made my choice, Henry. I made a mistake, and this is my burden to bear - not yours. You shouldn’t be throwing your life away for my sake.”

“Victor - you know I’ve always got your back,” Henry replied, giving him a comforting smile. “I really don’t mind it.”

“I know that but… it’s not fair to you.” Victor rested his head back and stared up to the  sky, and Henry laid back to do the same. “You should be finishing your studies at Ingolstadt, or traveling the world, or finding some beautiful woman to settle down with.” Henry tensed as he spoke, but didn’t answer. “I’m thankful that you’re here with me, and it really has been wonderful and I can never repay you for how much you’ve helped but… it kills me to think I might be causing you to miss out on all the things you wanted in life.” There was a long moment of silence between them, and Victor began to grow restless, tapping his fingers against the back of his hand again. “Do you… not agree?” Henry tensed more, then let out a sharp exhale.

“Can I tell you a secret?” Victor blinked, then turned on to his side and sat up slightly.

“Of course!” he exclaimed. “It’s… not like I really have anyone to divulge it to other than… well… you know who. And he certainly doesn’t have anyone to divulge it to.” Henry gave him a half smile, then turned his hazel eyes back to the sky.

“Victor I… I have-” He hesitated. “I’m… I mean I- I’m-” He pinched at the bridge of his nose, then dropped his arms to his sides. “I have no interest in women.” Victor glanced over at him, then lay back down and returned his own gaze to the stars.

“Oh.” Henry cringed, expecting some kind of other reply, but relaxed slightly as Victor spoke again. “Well… that’s fine. You still shouldn’t stay. I know you always wanted to finish your studies and travel the world at least. I don’t want to hold you back.” Henry swallowed hard and clenched his eyes shut.

“That’s not what I mean Victor.”

“Then what did you mean?” he asked, glancing back over at him.

“I… I have no interest in women because I-” Henry hesitated again. “My only interest lies in… other men. It… it always has.” Victor looked upward once again.

“Ah.” His eyes widened. “Oh!” Henry cringed at this response. He wasn’t sure why he was so afraid but… part of him was terrified. Victor suddenly sat up, a look of revelation on his face. “That’s a possibility?” Henry’s eyes snapped open and he looked up at him.

“You say that like you didn’t know.”

“Well- how was I supposed to know? It’s not like I’ve ever... seen it before.” Henry gave him an odd look.

“...What about Percy and Alex?”

“Who?”

“Back in Ingolstadt? Your classmates? You can’t tell me you didn’t know. It was obvious! Not… that they were necessarily public about it, and for good reason, but the way they looked at each other and talked to each other, there was no way they were anything less than lovers.” Victor frowned and glanced over at him.

“You assume I paid any attention to my classmates.” Henry blinked.

“...Oh. Yes that… that’s certainly a good point.” He shook his head. “Regardless! Why… why wouldn’t it be possible? If a man can love a woman, why can’t he love another man?” Victor thought for a moment.

“Well this… this changes everything,” he muttered, eyes still wide. Henry glanced away, suddenly worried again.

“...How so?”

“Well - it means I’m… I’m not broken!” Victor exclaimed, suddenly grinning. Henry snapped his gaze over to him.

“What?” Victor turned, sitting fully upright with his legs crossed and his fingers tapping excitedly on his thighs.

“Henry. After all I’ve done, after everything I’ve made of myself, after all the changes, there was one thing that always continued to irk me. I have changed my name, altered my body, filled myself with the correct chemicals, and yet despite all of that, one thing never changed. Even though I had finally become the person I knew I needed to be, I still was attracted to men!” Henry’s own eyes grew wide. “I had simply chalked it up to being some sort of strange flaw, that maybe I hadn’t perfected myself enough, that I hadn’t entirely rid myself of my… my…” He hesitated, as though he didn’t want to say it. “My womanhood - but no! Perhaps it has nothing to do with my sex!” Henry couldn’t help but chuckle at that statement.

“You really thought your attraction was tied to your sex?” Victor shrugged, then nodded, prompting another quiet laugh from Henry. “Victor, have I ever mentioned you are by far the most intelligent imbecile I know?” Victor smirked.

“Not in those words exactly, but something akin to that, yes.” 

“Victor Frankenstein, ladies and gentleman, brilliant scientist capable of creating life from death, entirely incapable of understanding human attraction,” Henry announced sarcastically, throwing his arms wide as he spoke with a big grin. Victor snickered and batted his hand away.

“Oh hush, Henry, the poet who couldn’t figure out the difference between a daisy and a dandelion,” he mused in return. Henry sat up.

“Hey! I know the difference! I just… got the names confused!” he exclaimed. Victor laughed, and flopped back onto his back, Henry laying back down beside him.

“Sure you did,” Victor retorted with sarcasm, glancing over at him. The two regained their composure as their giggles faded back to quiet smiles, though Victor’s smile quickly faded. He let out a sigh. “Well… regardless, Henry. You really should go. Go study, go explore, go find a kind man to settle down with. Live the life I’ll never get to have.” Henry’s own smile faded as his mind suddenly raced, trying to think of how to respond. “I’ll be ok here on my own. I promise.”

“But… Victor I-” Henry’s heart began to pound in his chest. Don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it, he repeated in his mind as his pulse quickened. Despite the repetition, though, he glanced back over to Victor. His breath caught in his throat. “I’ve already done those things.” Victor looked over at him, confused, his own heart seeming to skip a beat.

“...What do you mean?”

“Well… I’ve travelled - maybe not around the world, but I traveled to Ingolstadt. I may not have finished my studies but I certainly came close enough. And…” He turned his face away. “I’ve… I’ve already found a kind man to settle down with.” Victor felt his heart shatter in his chest upon hearing those words, and he turned away.

“...I see,” he muttered dejectedly. “Then you should go to him. Go to him and live your life with joy.” Henry looked back over at him, feeling terror clawing at his chest as he mulled over whether he should or shouldn’t reveal himself.

“You… you don’t understand Victor.” Victor turned back toward him, his own eyes already starting to fill with tears of worry. “It’s… it’s you. It’s always been you.” Victor blinked away his tears, his eyes widening as he suddenly felt as though his heart stopped. He was frozen - stunned - and his face turned bright red as he blushed. Henry, seeing this reaction, grew tense and turned away. “I’m sorry- I’m so sorry I- I didn’t mean to make things strange between us. I shouldn’t have said anyth-” He was cut off as suddenly he felt Victor’s fingers upon his cheek, gently coaxing him to return his gaze to him.

“Henry I… I misspoke,” Victor whispered softly. Henry clenched his eyes shut, fearing the worst. “When I said I was attracted to men, what I should have said was… I am attracted to a man.” He hesitated as Henry slowly opened his eyes. “It was always you, Henry. Always.” For a moment the two stared deep into each other's eyes, their fears falling away as they finally began to realize the intensity of the connection between them, until Victor suddenly pulled back and gave Henry an odd look. “Wait. No- no. You’re lying. You have to be lying.” Henry’s eyes widened with shock.

“I- Victor I just bared my soul to you. Do you genuinely think I would lie about something like that?”

“Well… no. But it makes no sense. If you always knew you were interested solely in men, then how could you have always been interested in me? Good god Henry, when we first met I wasn’t even Victor, I was Emily Frankenstein, the strange girl who refused to wear a dress and practiced needlepoint while sitting out in the mud!” Henry’s shock dissolved into a short huff of laughter at the memory of seeing that younger, drastically different version of his boyhood crush, with long, frizzy dark brown hair (a far cry to his now short and messily cut hair) sitting in the mud by the lake wearing boys’ clothing while intently working on an embroidery that read ‘Alchemy is Relevant’ with the symbol for the philosopher’s stone above it - young Victor’s way of spiting his father.

“You know how you thought you were flawed because somehow despite everything you still felt attraction toward men?” Henry asked. He paused, then smiled. “Attraction to me, I guess.” Victor frowned slightly.

“Yes?”

“Well… that’s how I felt when I first met you. It was so bizarre to me. Up until that point, I had never understood the other boys my age, all pining over young girls while I was admiring which of them was the most handsome. And then I met you, and even though I was so sure of myself and who I was, you turned it all on its head. For the first time I wasn’t just admiring, I was fully, deeply enthralled by someone. I simply chalked it up to the fact that, perhaps this just meant I finally found the right girl, like my father always said I would, and that maybe everything I thought I knew was wrong. And yet… I continued to find myself admiring only other boys my age, and no other girls. I was so deeply conflicted - until that day years later when you returned after having run away and confided in me that you had come to realize you were never meant to be a girl at all,” he explained. Victor’s expression softened.

“So… what you’re saying is… you… you knew all along? Before I was even aware of my own identity?” Henry thought for a moment, then smiled.

“Come to think of it, I suppose maybe I did! I’ve… never really thought of it like that before.” Victor stared at him for a moment, then lay back again, smiling brightly. Henry smiled back at him, and lay beside him again - though moving a bit closer this time.

“Then I suppose we were never broken after all,” Victor remarked. “All this time, we knew each other far better than we ever realized. I’ve never much believed in soul mates, but… considering this evidence, I’m almost considering rethinking my stance on that,” he concluded half jokingly. 

“You jest, but… you have to admit it might have some merit,” Henry pointed out as he stared calmly up at the sky. “How truly remarkable that the stars should align for us to meet, that the strings of fate should tie us together so neatly and that we should lead each other, even if unknowingly, into the light that is living our truths. We may have no evidence for the existence of some higher power, but there is proof that the world works in mysterious and wonderful ways that even science cannot define. Our very existence is such a specific rarity, a mere blip on the scale of time, and somehow here we are, together, here, now.” Victor turned on his side, lifting himself up slightly as he stared in awe and admiration as Henry spoke. “We are miracles, Victor, common miracles yet miracles all the same. There is so much we have to learn and to discover about the world and about ourselves, and how brilliant it is that we should have the chance to do so together, and to lift each other up to be the very best versions of ourselves that we can be. We-” He suddenly was cut off as Victor was suddenly leaning over him, propping himself on one hand that rested on Henry’s other side, his light brown eyes staring down into his hazel ones with a gaze of pure wonder. He shuddered, his heart suddenly fluttering in his chest as he looked up at him, and he gasped softly as Victor placed his unoccupied hand onto his cheek and brushed a long strand of ginger hair away from his eyes.

“Is it too early?” Victor inquired in a quiet whisper. Henry pressed his face into Victor’s hand.

“Too early for what?” Victor hesitated.

“Is it too early to say I... I-” Henry grinned, breathing deeply and slowly shaking his head as he lifted a hand and placed it on Victor’s cheek.

“I love you too,” he murmured. They stayed frozen for a moment, silence returning between them as the creatures of the night continued to sing their songs and the trees creaked softly in the breeze. As they searched each other’s eyes for some unspoken answer to some unheard question, it was Victor who suddenly leaned down, his pulse racing as his lips locked with Henry’s. At first Henry’s eyes widened, but his eyelids fluttered closed as he lifted his hand higher and gently gripped Victor’s short, messy brown hair between his fingers, softly pulling him in closer. Though it only lasted a moment, it felt like a blissful eternity before they slowly broke away, both of them shaking with the joy and excitement of it all. As Victor lay back on his side, he wrapped his arm around Henry tightly, and Henry moved closer, wrapping his own arm around him. They lay contentedly in each other's embrace, silently staring at one another as though there was nothing else in the world they’d rather see than each other’s eyes. That was, until, a sudden cry from just outside the forest jolted them both upright. Victor let out a soft sigh, and slowly started to rise to his feet.

“I’ll be back,” he muttered disappointedly. Henry gave a sympathetic smile as he stood as well.

“No, I’ll come with you.” Victor hesitated a moment before descending the boulder and landing on the ground with a soft thud, Henry following close behind.

“You don’t have to. I’m sure it’ll only be a moment,” he mentioned. Henry took his hand and squeezed it tightly.

“And I don’t want to lose a single moment to spend with you,” he murmured, leaning forward and tenderly kissing Victor’s cheek. Victor blushed and smiled sheepishly.

“If you insist-” He was cut off by the sound of a sudden loud sob. “Come on. It sounds like one hell of a nightmare,” he mentioned as he began to lead the way back to their cabin home.

“Sometimes I think you make a surprisingly good father, despite everything between the two of you,” Henry mentioned as they exited the trees. Victor gave a contented sigh as they came upon the dwelling and he reached for the door.

“You really think so?” he asked quietly as they walked in and continued toward where they could hear his creation now quietly crying inside. “Well… at least I won’t have to do it alone now.” He paused just outside the door to the creature’s room, looking back at Henry. “You will stay, won’t you?” Henry chuckled softly, gripping Victor’s hand tighter.

“Oh, Victor,” he murmured, leaning forward and resting his forehead against his. “From the day I first got here, I never wanted to leave.”

[fuckyeahwomenfilmdirectors]

20 Most Anticipated of 2020 Part 2: 11-20

20 films directed by women that will debut in 2020. 

Part I HERE

On the Rocks dir. Sofia Coppola

Coppola has sort of fallen out of vogue recently and I’ll admit it’s been quite a while since I fully connected with one of her films. But she remains one of the most imitable and influential living directors. On the Rocks seems to play to what I believe are Coppola’s strengths. The film follows a new mother (played by Rashida Jones) reconnecting with her elderly playboy father (played by Coppola muse Bill Murray).  

Passing dir. Rebecca Hall

British actress Hall is getting behind the camera for the first time with Passing, an adaptation of a Nella Larsen novel about two African-American light skinned childhood friends who reconnect as adults when one is passing as white and the other has chosen to embrace life as a black woman. Hall herself has black American heritage (her maternal grandfather was an American black man who passed for white) so the material is personal for her. She’s also chosen two incredible actresses to play the friends: Tessa Thompson and Ruth Negga.

The Rhythm Section dir. Reed Morano

After the beautiful work Morano did with her low budget scifi film I Think We’re Alone Now I've been eagerly anticipating Morano’s next work. TRS was supposed to come out last year but was delayed after star Blake Lively severely injured her hand. I thought the movie might be cancelled for good but Morano and her team persevered. The movie, about a woman seeking revenge after her family is murdered is finally complete! Though it’s being dumped in early January I’m sure that Morano has delivered something that will be at the very least, a visual feast. 

The Story of My Wife dir. Ildikó Enyedi

I was so thoroughly in love with Enyedi’s last film On Body and Soul that I would have watched whatever she chose to do next. The Hungarian director has chosen to adapt a novel about a sea captain who makes a bet with his friend that he will marry the next woman to walk into a cafe and then spends the rest of his life jealously miserable and certain that his beautiful wife is cheating on him. French actress Léa Seydoux plays the wife!

The Souvenir Part II dir. Joanna Hogg

I always find myself reluctant to recommend Hogg films because they are the very definition of rich white people problems (you know, incredibly wealthy people repressing their issues with each other and looking distressed as they wander around beautiful landscapes and rooms filled with a sense of malaise)  yet I really adore her films. The Souvenir was a semi-autobiographical look at a wealthy young woman’s birth as an artist and how a toxic relationship with an older junkie warped her world (in a restrained way of course). The first part ended on a particularly devastating note and I imagine part II will pick up from there. I had a discussion with someone who called the first film navel gazing and while I can’t quite disagree I will easily sign up for two and a half more hours to gaze at that particular navel again.

The Titane dir. Julia Ducournau

I’m terrified of horror so I had to wince my way through Ducournau’s directorial debut, but she’s such a stunning director that I am very much looking forward to her next film. The Titane has Ducournau sticking to her horror roots with the story of a child who was kidnapped returning to his family as an adult and the slew of murders that accompany his mysterious reappearance. Sounds gruesome.

The Turning dir. Floria Sigismondi

A theme of 2020 seems to be long delayed projects and directors finally putting out more work. Sigismondi cut her teeth as a music video director, made the musical biopic The Runaways which was released in 2010 and then didn’t make another feature film until now. The Turning is a modern adaptation of Henry James’ horror novella The Turning of the Screw about a nanny assigned to care for two children under mysterious circumstances.  Mackenzie Davis will be playing the nanny in this version with Finn Wolfhard and Brooklynn Prince playing her creepy charges.

Violet dir. Justine Bateman

I’ve been tracking this ever since it was announced and was losing hope that it would ever be made. Should have kept the faith! Actress turned director Justine Bateman makes her feature film debut with the story of a successful film executive who learns that the voice in her head guiding her decisions has been lying to her- about everything.

Wonder Woman 1984 dir. Patty Jenkins

She’s back baby! I was so utterly charmed by the 2017 film adaptation of Wonder Woman and it’s exciting to see that in the ashes of the DC cinematic universe with its ever rotating cast of Jokers and Batmans, Wonder Woman has prevailed. Not only is Jenkins back as director, but lengthy negotiations resulted in her getting the biggest payday for a woman director in Hollywood (a rumoured $10 million!) and also coming onboard as a producer and writer meaning she’ll have even more power to fully execute her vision. Bring on the shoulder pads, the track suits, the colour! Bring on the anti-gun propaganda! Bring on the matriarchy!

Zola dir. Janicza Bravo

This was on my list of most anticipated films last year when I was optimistic it would get made right away. Well now it’s finally here. Bravo presents Zola, the film based on the viral tweets from a stripper about how she went to Florida with an acquaintance and got dragged into the world of sex work and violence. This has potential to be amazing and I’m rooting for Bravo and the cast which includes the underrated Taylour Paige as Zola and Riley Keough as her friend.  

[sleepyxdarling]

What would your ocs do when their darling is pregnant?

Omg yay an oc request! Also..as you can tell the boys look different..this is due to the fact that the app I used before to make them completely decided not to work so I used picrew.

This is bout to be one long post

Warning:story contains abuse, disturbing behavior, and nsfw talk

Yandere bois find out S/O is pregnant!

Yoshi

Yoshi had walked into the home you both shared only to see his lovely [name] pacing back and forth in the living room.

Of course yoshi didn't say anything since he figured you were just being weird but it did irk him that you didn't even say hello to him. Out of annoyance he walked over to you and pushes you down on the couch and crawled ontop of you straddling you down

"what is your problem kitten?! Not saying hi? You think you are better than me? A pitiful girl like you?!" His tone was filled with rage as he grabbed your hair roughly.

"no! Please! I'm...I'm.." your stammering seemed to piss yoshi off more as he loosely puts a hand around your throat "you what... speak pig" he hissed out.

"pregnant! I'm pregnant!"

This made yoshi pull back and he chuckles softly "really? That's great! You must feel honored to be carrying my baby" his cocky tone would have been encouraging..only issue is you two have sex with condoms that you know don't break..plus you are secretly taking birth control.

"yoshi..I..um..I don't understand how I'm pregnant"

Your nervous stammering only made yoshi laugh more "you think I didn't plan this? Oh you dumb girl..you don't pregnant unless I want you to" he said as he cupped your face in his hands "who knew using a turkeybaster would be so easy when you're asleep...also..next time I find birth control in this house...I will make you suffer " He whispers out while his eyes swirled with insanity.

"now we can be a family..mommy...daddy...and baby"

Those months through pregnancy were hell dealing with yoshi and his protective and abusive behavior.

Suke

Suke was cooking dinner when his darling [name] came to him looking quite excited. Suke was a gentle lover who would never hurt his darling and of course they had no real reason to truly fear him.

He felt arms around him which made him jump slightly but he trusted his lover with everything he had so he wasn't too tense.

"I have amazing news!" Your cheerful voice made him smile as he finished dinner which was spaghetti

"let me set the table then we can discuss it.." he spoke calmly as he started to serve places and set the table before sitting with you. He could tell you were bursting with excitement so he took a sip of wine and let you say what you wanted.

"we are having a baby!"

His reaction..was not a good one. Suke spit his drink out onto the floor before turning his head to you with wide eyes. He looked pale and started to sweat.

"a...a...a baby?! What?! Impossible..did the condoms break?! This can't happen!" He was stressed for sure and that wasn't the reaction you were expecting so of course you were disappointed.

"you don't want a baby?"

Your words made him tense up and he could tell he hurt you deeply. "I want a baby..but..what if they end up blind? How could you even think of forgiving me for passing that down to them?"

Suke was now up on his feet pacing back and forth "they will have so many issues...they will have to be homeschooled the moment their vision starts to weaken and things will be so much harder for them" his babbling only got faster and you grabbed his arm to calm him down.

He lets out a long sigh before pulling you into his arms

"we...we will work it out"

The pregnancy was one with many doctor visits and lots of caution.

Taro

Taro had returned from a church event when you sprung the news on him through baby clothes on the bed along with a pregnancy test.

Taro usually when he got home was more of himself...aka a lot more rowdy and abrasive. The moment he saw you he couldn't help but pick you up.

"you serious?! We havin' a baby? [Name] this better not be a joke or else.." he was excited but warry.

"it's not a joke taro! I am pregnant!" Your statement sent him into overdrive and he couldn't help but spin you around while laughing

"holy shit! Holy shit! We are havin' a baby! I guess the Lord does awesome thing eh?" He cheers out and couldn't help but kiss you all over your face.

The pregnancy was a happy one for sure and taro treated you like a queen..even when you annoyed him.

ryo

Ryo is usually gone a lot due to work but he still takes the time to spend it with his babe. Hell sometimes he brings you with him on job assignments since you never really distract him too much.

This time though you both were out and he just finished taking a few pictures so he decided a stroll through the park would be fine..that's when you busted the news out on him.

He grew pale and looked like he had been punched in the gut. He was silent for a few minutes before looking at you with a nervous expression

"damn..how are we supposed to fuck with a baby in ya?" He questions out seriously.

You weren't sure if you should hit him or not but you decided not to smack him..though he deserved it.

Ryo chuckles as the information really sinked in "we are having a baby..you are gonna look really cute all swollen with my brat in you" he teased softly.

The pregnancy with ryo was....interesting. he took care of you but there was a lot more sex involved the bigger you got in your terms.

Ryuji

As a teacher kids are everything to ryuji so you knew he would be happy but you were still nervous and in tears by the news that you were even pregnant..it still shocked you.

When he got home he saw your tears and immediately got nervous. He hated to see his princess cry and so he was at your side hugging you tight

"my sweetheart.. sugarplum..angel..what's the matter?" His bundle of nicknames did make you feel better but you were still crying.

"I'm.. pregnant." You cried out and he gave but a simple hum "is that so? How exciting.." he said calmly as he pulled back to get you some tissues.

His eyes were slightly widen to show his pupils more and he was smiling..he knew you were pregnant. He is very sharp and the moment he felt something was wrong he may have stolen some of your blood and submitted it in for a blood test in order to check if you are pregnant.

He of course was so happy you told him and head happy to have this baby with you since he did Poke the hole in the condoms before use just to be sure you would get pregnant.

The pregnancy was a well prepared one for sure and ryuji made certain you two were ready for anything no matter how small.

Shun

Seeing as shun acted childish you were unsure if he can handle being a father. You two were ready to go to the beach and you had bought a baby toy for the beach to tell the news. When you both got there shin was all for the water and sand.

"hey hey creampuff! Let's build a sand castle!" His happy cheers were cute but this wasn't the time right now so you beckoned him close before showing him the beach toy

Shun got it really quick and was quite excited.

"oh my! Sweetcakes...are we having a baby?! Do you know the gender? What are we going to name them? What do you think they would look like? Ah I'm so exited to go shopping!" His questions and squealing only made you feel like he wasn't mature enough for a kid.

You felt him hug you and he gave a small hum "hey..plumcake..if anything happened to our kid..you know I wouldn't be happy right? So let me take care of you. Never leave my side. Don't you dare take any medicine or eat any food until I give you the okay" his tone was cold and firm yet low and hush as he rubbed circles along your stomach.

"daddy will always be here..my little pumpkin"

The pregnancy was a controlled one..but shun made it fun.

[theevilsociopath]

Everything is socially constructed except the Nature!

Our society has some norms set for us from the time we are born. It starts with when your sex is determined. If one is a boy the room will be blue, filled with things a boy is supposed to like, like cars and no soft toys. But if one is a girl her room will be pink with soft toys and dolls. The treatment the girl will receive depends in which community she is born; stereotypical and orthodox or a modern and affirming community. As these individuals grow they are assigned how their personality and character should be and how they have to present themselves. Boys will be told to be emotionally strong, never express themselves and to take care of the weak. Girls are expected to be submissive, pretty, slim and emotionally weak. These expectations, which are attached to the binary sexes, are laid down on every person in this world.

 As individuals grow from their respective childhoods, they become a part of the youth and they gradually realise who they truly are and what they are capable of doing irrespective of what the world wants them to do and expects out of them. In some spheres people are unable to get out of the restrictions because of rigid societal norms while some voice themselves and go beyond the barriers. But somewhere in all of this there is a fear of what others will think? This fear is what the real challenge is. Does one get afraid of the societal constraints and become the person he is not, or he accepts who he is and tries to get an affirming position in the society no matter how many times he fails.

The intersectionality between these varieties of “How One can be” has created what we call discrimination. Because of discrimination we fear – Do we belong to the appropriate religion? My class is low, what will people say about my clothes? Will I ever have friends if I continue to live in this lifestyle? What if my gender does not match my sex? Why am I black or born in an untouchable’s family? Will everyone accept be disregarding the culture and tradition I follow? Will I be able to earn respect for myself? These are the kind of opinions people shape about themselves because instead of realising who they truly are they have to first adhere to the society and then think of them as an individual. We talk of freedom. Is this true freedom? Forcing an individual into a box of restrictions with which that person is not comfortable with. Adjustments can happen but why this segregation? Are those people, who one considers different or pathologized because he/she does not match one’s ideal way of normality - harming you in any way? Then why do we have so many arguments over people? Why do some become so judgemental and picky? Those in the minorities and the discriminated sects are also living beings that belong to this nature like others. They also have a right to make decisions of how they want their appearance to be, who they want to be with and how they feel about themselves. If those individuals are not comfortable with who they are they will automatically change themselves. Others do not have to intervene or rather barge into their lives. Let that person be a black, a lesbian, a gay, an intersex, a transgender, a disabled person, a Muslim, a Jew or even an Untouchable.

These divisions have only created chaos and nothing else. The incidents of inhumane policing, false accusations for crimes and using your sex as a female to protect yourself even when one is on the wrong side, rapes increasing at a rapid rate every day, brutality towards animals, exploitation of the biosphere are also a category within the social constructions. Societal norms are wholly based on supremacy which began from the ancient aristocracies to the present day divisions. These events segregate us from what truly humanity is, a liberal being is.

The reason why feminism came into being is because women were told to live within the restriction box of being a lady; the one who gives birth and takes care of the household. Rape was  not considered a criminal offence till 1860. And women still fear about disclosing themselves to the world. We educate our girls to wear full clothes whenever she steps outside of the house and to not go out at night. Though it is necessary to be cautious, providing males intellectuality and education of how to treat women is also necessary. Equality, fraternity, secularism and abolition are not mere words described in the constitution rather they define an individual in relation with one's cosmopolitan identity.

Power, fame, glory, glitter and glamour all fade away. You come with nothing in this world and you go without everything you ever had. What we need is not overpopulation with less humanity and morality rather a population which accepts and makes existence worth it!! Together we need to bring a change for a better tomorrow with our honest thoughts, sheer determination and righteous actions.

The End

*ORIGINAL WORK*

[leadflowers]

(Female) Saarebas within the Qun

Since making my Qunari Inquisitor who is a former Saarebas who left the Qun, became a mercenary and later the Inquisitor, I’ve been researching some information about the exact status of Qunari mages, and in particular FEMALE Qunari mages.

By following a link to a now defunct thread via the WaybackMachine, I was able to find a statement by David Gaider himself which establishes that saarebas are seen as essentially non-persons, weapons to be wielded by their Arvaarad in the same way a warrior wields his sword.  They are best thought of as attack dogs. 

As for female saarebas, they are no longer thought of as being female, since they are not considered persons; as such, they are allowed to fight as part of their karataam. 

I can see why they made the Inquisitor a Tal-Vashoth, and specifically one born outside the Qun. Such conditioning would be incredibly hard to shake off, particularly for a saarebas. When your whole identity revolves around your role which has been assigned to you, to some degree, since birth (because Qunari have extensive breeding programmes and mate individuals together in order to encourage or strengthen certain traits in the offspring) and certainly since the age of 12, breaking with that would be a traumatic experience. You would be searching for a sense of normalcy, of familiarity, in a world that was utterly alien to you. It’s little wonder that many Tal-Vashoth turn to raiding or become mercenaries in order to maintain a link with their former occupation as fighters. 

We know that saarebas are treated especially harshly - they are kept under constant watch, chained and collared, their lips sewn shut and in some cases their tongues cut out - and to the best of my knowledge none of the devs have made it clear what their life is like in Qunari lands. Are they literally just kept in a kennel all day, with no other occupation? Are they allowed to fill any role except “shock troop”, for example that of magical researcher or builder of artifacts, or even a sort of trainer for younger saarebas? 

Evidence largely points to the first option - the draconian restrictions combined with the Qunari’s deep fear of magic and belief that anything or anyone that comes in touch with it risks corruption - makes me think they likely aren’t entrusted with anything that might involve freedom and agency.

On the other hand, Qunari are supposed to be extremely efficient and loath to waste resources - including people - and a lifetime of being brutalized and caged up like an animal with no respite of any kind is a recipe for madness which, in the case of a mage, is a particularly dangerous prospect. A mind, in order to remain healthy, must have something to engage it, a focus, and a relief from the humdrum of life. Ketojan from DA2 talks about the “comfort” he feels within the Qun, and you can put that down to brainwashing but...I feel there must be something more to the life of a saarebas than shock collars and chains. 

So, until or unless I learn otherwise, I headcanon that they are allowed a certain amount of (limited) freedom within Qunari lands: they are permitted walks in fresh air (under the supervision of their Arvaarad of course), perhaps allowed to perform inoffensive activities that would benefit Qunari society but aren’t under the direct purview of other roles. Things they can do alone or with the rest of their karataam, without needing to come into contact with outsiders (transcribing, for example? Not unlike cloistered monks). They have no tradition of an “academic” magical education like the Circles, but then again, someone needs to teach younger saarebas how to use their abilities. 

Qunari have no concept of family or romance, but they do form friendships and have the capacity to care for others; Sten regarded his former squad members his brothers; I imagine a saarebas has a similar attitude towards the members of their karataam (with the Arvaarad as a sort of leader/father figure, someone seen not as an oppressor but a protector).

So, in the case of my Adaar, I decided:

She has found it very difficult to adjust to life without the supervision of an Arvaarad, and instinctively looks to authority figures for guidance. Becoming an authority figure herself has been...challenging to say the least.

At first, she looked to Cassandra as an Arvaarad-figure, being the one who took charge of her after the Temple of Sacred Ashes was destroyed (and, as Seeker, someone who fills a somewhat similar role to an Arvaarad). In time, however, she became a friend and almost like an older sister/mother.

It’s possible she never had a lover; the general Qunari population has their sexual needs fulfilled by Tamassrans but it’s likely saarebas don’t get this privilege. They almost certainly wouldn’t want someone with magic in their blood passing that on.

As a consequence, all she knows about sex and relationships comes from hearsay and, since making her way into human lands, romance novels. 

[jovialyouthmusic]

The Many Lives of Drake Walker

A Royal Romance multiple AU fanfic

2 Housekeeping 

In which I explore the virtual world that Drake and his aquaintences inhabit - first hand...

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2 Housekeeping 

I looked around myself, wondering where on earth I was – or was this Earth at all?  What was it – a dream, my imagination playing tricks on me, some sort of virtual construct like the Matrix? No matter what it was, I was there, I felt perfectly normal apart from a little nausea. And what was more, the man standing next to me felt real  - very real. I looked down at myself – I was vey much me, just slimmer and younger and wearing my current favourite outfit – black skinny jeans with a striped top and fitted jacket.

We stood in a bright space, like a big waiting room with lots of doors leading off to every side. There was a desk where a receptionist had her head bowed down, and there were seats all around – sofas and easy chairs, and other people walked around chatting or looking at what looked like smartphones or hand terminals. It was all rather like science fiction. Drake grinned at me.

‘Impressive’

‘What?’

‘This place – you made it the way you expected it to be. I’ve met others who had oak panelled libraries or hospital waiting rooms. I like this one, it’s bright and airy. You’re also your best idea of yourself – you don’t look much different from what I saw before, so you must be pretty self confident’

‘I - you’re welcome I suppose’

‘Okay, we need to get you checked in, make everything official in case you need to be found in an emergency’

‘Like what?’

‘Well obviously if your partner woke and found you sitting sleeping in front of the laptop and couldn’t wake you he might freak out, so we’d send you back straight away’ He started toward the reception desk, and on the way I saw a familiar figure.

‘Hold on – is that…’ I started, and the tall neatly bearded man clapped Drake on the shoulder

‘Walker, you found another one – I hope you’ve explained everything to her. Good afternoon…’ he stopped ‘or is it morning? It doesn’t matter, welcome to our world – which you had a hand in making’

‘Th - thankyou – Bastien?’ I stammered, shaking the hand he offered me, slightly overawed.

‘In the flesh’ he smiled ‘I hope you enjoy your time with us’ He walked away and I turned to Drake, mouth open.

‘Is there – will I meet all the others?’

‘If they’re around, yes. I’ll introduce you to a few after we get you signed in’ We went up to the desk and the blonde woman looked up, unimpressed by my appearance.

‘Name?’ she intoned, totally deadpan and uninterested

‘Hi Maddy, this is Lesley – she wrote the latest one I’ve been in’

‘Oh yes? Fantastic’ she said sarcastically. She looked at me and slapped a piece of paper on the counter ‘Fill this in. It won’t take long.’ I looked at her critically.

‘Are you – are you Madeleine? From Fydelia?’ the blond woman rolled her eyes.

‘Yes, what of it?’

‘Well I – I suppose I’m surprised’

‘Well Lesley, if folk were more sympathetic when they wrote about me, maybe I’d give a damn. Just fill the form in’ She handed me a pen, and Drake led me away to a table, hand on my elbow

‘Don’t mind her, she’d be a whole different person if…’ he sighed ‘she’s just neglected, made out to be the bad guy, you know’ I smiled sympathetically and filled the form in – it was simple, just name, date of birth, my nom de plume and username, address and next of kin. There was also a section naming the stories I’d written. Drake looked over my shoulder.

‘Don’t worry too much about that, just the name of the series will do, we can find you with your username. I really enjoyed ‘Two’s Company’, and ‘Charlotte’s Choice’ is fun – that’s partly why I chose you.’ I finished and we took the paper back to Madeleine.

‘So, is there anyone you’d like to meet? This visit will just be a little housekeeping, we can go on an adventure next time.’ he said. I smiled, excited

‘Well I hit the jackpot with you – but Liam perhaps, and – well everyone from the Royal Romance I suppose.’

‘Sure thing, if I can find them, but be prepared for a couple of surprises with Liam’

‘Oh yes – what do you mean?’ Drake leaned close to me and kept his voice low ‘Well for a start there’s more than one of him – y’know, he can be three different races to start with – and some writers give him a different name. Sometimes he kind of flickers from one race to another when he’s not in a story, it can be a bit freaky. Plus there are a lot of different face claims for him’

‘Oooh that must be confusing’ I exclaimed.  Drake shrugged

‘Kind of, but he’s always recognisable – that regal posture you know, even when he’s been written in as a gangster, it’s still there.’ He looked down at his hands ‘I – I have some difficulties too, thanks to the fandom.’ I put my hand reassuringly on his shoulder

‘I’m sorry to hear that. What exactly do you mean?’ He sighed, and as he did, someone came up to greet us. I looked up and my mouth opened in astonishment.

‘Hey brother, you got another friend? Maybe I can play with her some time’ Drake grimaced

‘Maybe, maybe not, it depends on what fic she chooses.’ I looked from one to the other of the two men. They were both Drake, but one - the one who had brought me there - looked just like the drawings from the game, albeit more real, and the other was the spitting image of Ben Barnes. To have two versions of my fictional lover was pretty mind blowing and I was glad I was sitting down, otherwise my legs would not have held me up.

‘Oh Lord.’ I exclaimed ‘There must be a Daniel di Tomasso about somewhere’. The Ben clone grinned.

‘Bingo. Though if you take Drakey here to a story where the writer uses me as a faceclaim, he’ll change.’ I gasped

‘Oh, that’s – unusual. Does it hurt?’

‘Nah, but it feels pretty weird’ Ben/Drake replied. ‘My’ Drake  spoke up again

‘Don’t you have somewhere to be? Les here is my companion’ I felt a little flutter in my stomach at his possessiveness, plus that term was…

‘Companion? That sounds remarkably like…’ I said, but he suddenly put his hand up, and the Ben clone winced.

‘Stop! Don’t say it! It’s bad form to name another fandom, plus it messes things up, makes everyone feel sick for a bit. Maybe I shouldn’t use that term, but it’s the best one I’ve come across’ He turned to Ben/Drake and made a dismissive nod.

‘Fine.’ the other man said ‘She’s your date. Anyhow, you should try the writer I’m with – non stop sex, I can hardly keep up’ He smirked, and reached up to tousle his hair. With a wave, he strode off to one of the doors, a swagger in his walk. Drake leaned across to me

‘He shouldn’t count his chickens – I’ve heard a rumour he’s being – well, for want of a better word – terminated’

‘Terminated? You mean…?’ He drew his hand across his throat

‘Yup. Loads of angst to come there, but he gets to hang around as a ghost for a while. It’s not as bad as it sounds, he’ll be back to normal in the next fic he’s assigned’ He reached across the table to me, taking my hand. There was an odd little jolt, an electric shock, and he smiled as I jumped slightly ‘That’s a good sign, we have a connection. Is there anything you want to ask?’

‘Are there other companions? How often will we meet up? How do we choose…’ He put his hand up again.

‘Woah, slow down Les, that’s a whole lot of questions. Yes there are other companions, mainly following my character and Liam’s, and in this particular place, as you’ve only ever written about our story, there’s no crossover with any others – and again, don’t mention them, things get weird.’ He paused ‘How often we meet is up to you – was this time good for you?’ I nodded ‘I’ll be there waiting, just minimise the screen and I’ll find you. The choosing – that’s more complicated, what we’ll do is go over some of the original stories, get acquainted – after all there is some pretty steamy stuff out there’ I gulped nervously.

‘Isn’t that like having an affair? I have to tell you…’ I felt myself blush furiously ‘I’ve only ever had one partner’ He smiled and squeezed my hand

‘That’s adorable, and so rare. But no, it’s not ‘real’ now is it? Isn’t that one of the first things you said to me? How many times have we made love in your head already?’ I squirmed in my seat.

‘Uh, okay. But am I selling my soul? Will I be able to get back out?’ He laughed out loud.

‘No, don’t be silly. This is all totally risk free. It happens with books too – it’s just easier electronically, that’s all. If you’re in a situation you don’t like, you can snap your fingers and be back in this hall – like Dorothy and her ruby red slippers. It’s just a bit of fun, trust me.’

‘Well, I think I’m sold’ I smiled at him. ‘Is it time to go back yet?’ His face dropped a little ‘oh, not that I want – I’m happy to stay longer, I just feel – a little shy. It’s not every day you meet your secret lover who doesn’t really exist’ He grinned again and my heart melted just a little more.

‘You’re sweet Les, shy is fine. I’ve made some bad choices believe me, some real man eaters who dragged me off to the steamiest fics they could find, it was exhausting’

‘You get tired?’ he shrugged

‘Not physically, after all my character had incredible stamina – but mentally and emotionally I can burn out, you know? The original Drake found it hard to deal with his feelings after all, and no matter how I’m written, that stays with me.’

‘Okay, talking about feeling - how about when you’re shot, or the duel when you’re wounded, does it hurt?’ He rubbed the back of his neck.

‘Well I don’t know how it is in the real world so I can’t compare – but it’s unpleasant, that much I can tell you, and if I know it’s coming – I’m not keen on it. Anything else?’

‘What happens if you aren’t attracted to your companion?’ I blushed, dammit…He gave my hand a squeeze again.

‘Well, it’s not totally random, I see or ‘feel’ the fics and go and take a look at the writer – though that’s not really a factor. It’s more or less a given that we’ll be attracted, as that’s written in. Also, as you’ve found out, you will have an idea in your head of how you’d like to appear, and it shows once you get here’ He waved his hand to indicate our surroundings ‘Either that or you match your faceclaim of the main character.  Actually a lot shows up in the writing, I’ve only once or twice made a bad decision as I said.’

‘So why me?’

‘As I said, I ‘felt’ your writing and thought we’d have some fun together. I like to be able to have some choice and not be dragged around randomly. I’m really pleased you’re okay with all this.’ He looked down at my hand, which was beginning to feel odd. I looked down too – it looked strange, becoming transparent, waves washing across it. I looked back up at my companion, and he smiled sadly.

‘Time to go back. I’m sorry we didn’t have more time. Close your eyes so it’s not too disorientating. I’ll see you tomorrow, unless you call me before. I’ll be waiting, just minimise your fic when you’re ready’ I nodded and closed my eyes.

I felt the odd pulling sensation again and a sort of a ‘whoosh’ in my ears, and when I opened my eyes I was back in front of my screen. I could hear my partner coming downstairs to use the bathroom. I blinked a few times and decided I had fallen asleep and had an odd dream. Time to close down, I thought, hit ‘save’ on my document, and closed down to go and join my partner. I quietly slipped into bed beside him.

‘What time is it?’ he said sleepily as I snuggled up beside him, relishing his warmth and solidity. It always was may favourite time of day, joining him in bed.

‘Bedtime’ I joked. ‘I think I fell asleep downstairs – I had the weirdest dream’

‘Uh huh’ he murmured, already drifting back to sleep. He didn’t dream much himself, and it was a weird one, so I didn’t bother to tell him, just kissed him on the cheek and let the memory lull me off into slumber.

[seokkgenie]

More Than Anything Else (one) [M]

Pairing: Namjoon x Reader

Genre: CEO!au, smut, fluff, angst

Words: 13.2 k

one 

In hindsight, sleeping with a stranger that you met in a bar one night before you started a new job was probably not the best of ideas.

Your hands were gripping his toned biceps as he pounded into you. The room was filled with your moans and his low grunts. His sculpted face was shimmering under the cheap orange hue of the motel room light with the beads of his sweat. You could almost imagine the state that you were probably in, with your pink lips swollen, pupils dilated and your hair a tangled mess.

“You know,” he said, gripping your waist and increasing his pace, “I don’t usually do this.” The sudden change in momentum elicited a moan from your mouth.

“What?” you managed to breathe out, “Sex?”

“Sex with strangers.” He said, correcting you. Your nails dug into his skin as you reached up to suck on the soft flesh just above his collar bone.

“Right now, I can’t seem to remember why.” He completed.

You smirked at his comment. You could feel pressure building in your abdomen and you knew that it wouldn’t be long until you’d reach your climax. He seemed to be struggling to keep himself from coming undone as well, his eyes now closed in pleasure. His hands moved down between your legs and began to play with your clit, the gentle pressure from his fingers was enough to push you off the edge and you felt pleasure overtaking your body in waves underneath him.

You clenched around his penis and he moaned loudly before he was coming undone too, his body trembling from the orgasm. He slammed into you a few more times, which helped both of you to ride out your high. When you came down from your climax, he moved just in time to avoid falling on top of you and he lay on his stomach, panting. You looked up at the corny designs on the ceiling as you tried to compose yourself.

You turned your head slightly to look at the man and you saw him pulling off the soiled condom and throwing it into the bin next to the bed. He went into the bathroom directly and you heaved a sigh of relief as he left you alone for a few minutes. You quickly put on your clothes again, picking them up from their place on the floor. You sat down at the edge of the bed, thinking about what the best thing to do next would be.

You weren’t used to one night stands. You had no idea what the appropriate code of conduct was after the meaningless sex. Were you supposed to just leave without saying anything or were you supposed to say something nice or clever? You scoffed at the thought, what would you say anyway? ‘That was some good fucking, sexy stranger?’

You sighed in frustration. You couldn’t believe that the stress of your transfer and the stories you heard about your to-be boss made you want to find a release via sex with someone you didn’t even know. You reasoned with yourself that it was okay, that it was good sex and you always had been one to take risks.

You decided to let him react first. Just in case you had to leave in a hurry, though, you put your phone in your purse and fixed yourself up the best that you could, pulling out a hair tie from the bag and tying your hair into a ponytail.

The door to the bathroom creaked open, startling you and you gave out a small yelp without meaning to.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you.” He muttered as he picked up his clothes that were lying askew on the ground.

You didn’t respond to him and just observed him closely, your lips placing themselves between your teeth due to the nervousness.

After he pulled on his pants and buttoned up his shirt, he held his coat in his hand and looked at you. His large, dark eyes pierced into your own, but you didn’t feel the need to look away. He ran his hand through his light brown hair.

He cleared his throat, and said, “I should get going now.” He waited for your reaction, probably hoping that you weren’t some sort of clingy person who would demand to keep seeing him.

“Okay.” You said and his mouth opened slightly in surprise, as though he wasn’t expecting you to agree to it that easily

You shrugged, “That was fun.”

“Y-yeah.” He said, unsure, and gave a brisk nod and a small wave before heading out the door. You waited for ten minutes to make sure you didn’t run into him outside and made your way out, hailing a cab.

You checked the time. 3:23 am. You had to report to your first day of work in the new branch in less than five hours. Sometimes, you wanted to punch yourself for constantly making impulsive and stupid decisions.

The building stood tall and mighty just like a typical workplace of any other giant conglomerate such as your employer. It was easy to get sucked into the glitz and glamour of the glass offices with their promise of job security and stable income. But, you were no stranger to the real struggle that went on behind the doors.

You had worked for the top shareholder of the company, the President himself. You were the youngest person to ever be appointed as the assistant of the President of Bangtan Corporation. You didn’t know why, but you had impressed him so much during your interview that he had personally demanded that you be assigned as his new assistant. Shadowing him throughout the work day, sitting in on all his meetings and making notes diligently kept your place at the office secure. You were so efficient that you demanded respect from the employees, even the sexist ones who looked down upon secretaries and thought them to be useless women who wouldn’t be capable of doing much if they did not have the looks to support them.

You knew the company inside out, and you were proud of how far you had come from being a doe eyed rookie with big dreams to a hard headed realist who was ambitious.

A few months ago, the President had announced during an elaborate press conference that his eldest son would be taking over the company after him. Nobody had seen the young heir to the conglomerate throne. Everyone had heard rumors, though, that he was somewhat of a genius, an all-rounder who was a perfectionist in school. He had apparently finished his undergraduate degree from the London School of Economics followed by an impressive degree from Harvard Business School.

You had remembered thinking that no matter how smart this man was, he would not be able to take over easily. It was a well-known fact that most employees detested the fact that their new boss would be someone who rose to the position only as a birth right rather than due to his own capabilities.

To your complete surprise, he had proved everyone wrong. He had single handedly planned and executed a project that had saved Bangtan Mills from complete bankruptcy. He had done all this in just a few months’ time and even though he stayed away from the public’s eye during this time, he had become somewhat of a legend-a mysterious one, whose face everyone was dying to see.

That stint at the Mills seemed to have proved to everyone that he was more than capable of leading the multinational conglomerate and he had been appointed as the CEO of Bangtan Corporation a week ago. He still needed someone to help him ease into the process, though. Someone that knew the way the company worked and could work beside him. The President had chosen you as worthy of that.

That’s the reason you stood outside the company headquarters in Seoul, already missing the salty sea air of Busan where had you previously worked.

You would be the new Assistant of the CEO, effective from that day. The only problem was that you were still a little sore from your activities from the previous night, sleep deprived with swollen eyes that took a lot of makeup to cover up and hair still partially wet from the late shower you had to take due to over sleeping.

You let out a few deep breaths and walked into the building. The security had been instructed to let you in and direct you towards HR which was on the fifth floor. You got into the elevator quickly and as it moved up, you closed your eyes and held your breath. You hated elevators, having had numerous panic attacks there as a child due to your claustrophobia. The sound of the doors opening had brought you back to your senses and you leaped out happily. You straightened your work clothes and pulled your purse closer and you strut into the collection of cubicles. You walked towards the cabin that belonged to the HR Manager. You were a special employee and the Manager had been assigned to help you settle in on your first day.

You knocked on the door and a woman said, “Come in.”

You walked in, smiling and gave a slight bow, following which you introduced yourself, “I’m Y/n. I’ll be working as the CEO’s assistant. Please take care of me.”

She smiled and got up from her seat, returning your bow. She extended her hand and you placed your own in hers’ shaking it, “I’m Park Jihyo. Nice to meet you, y/n. I’ve heard very good things about you.”

“That’s very kind of you.” You said as she gestured for you to take a seat. She began opening a drawer near her and pulled out a file.  She read through it briefly and pulled out an envelope and handed it to you.

“This has your employee ID card and a few other things. Please let me know if there’s any problem with it.” She said.

You nodded, standing up. “Thank you, Ms Park.” You said.

She stood up along with you and smiled, “I’ll drop you to the CEO’s cabin.”

You were really flustered. “There’s really no need for that.” You said quickly. “I couldn’t trouble the HR Manager with such a thing.”

“Please, I insist.” She said and you stood speechlessly as she walked towards the door, her black heels clinking on the floor. She adjusted her pencil skirt before opening the door and gestured you to walk out first. You were unable to understand why she was doing all this for a assistant when she probably had more important matters to tend to. But, you followed her silent instructions anyway and soon enough you were both standing outside the elevators.

“Ms Park,” you called out to her, “Are you sure this is okay?”

“Don’t worry, Ms Y/n.” she gave you a reassuring smile and you nodded. As the elevator opened, you breathed in, holding your breath and walking in. There was a frown on your face as you waited for the dreaded ride to end.

“You okay?” she asked, looking at your obvious discomfort.

“Yes, sorry, I just hate elevators.” You explained and she nodded understandingly, looking over at you with concern in her eyes.

When the door finally opened at the top most floor-the 12th floor, you jumped out again, almost bumping into the employees waiting outside. You apologized quickly and tried to regain your composure.

Jihyo watched and gave you some time, after which she said, “Can I ask you something, Ms y/n?”

“Yes, ma’am, of course!” you quickly replied, facing her.

“Why are you wearing pants?” she asked, her eyes looking into your own.

You tilted your head in confusion. You had not been expecting that question. “Sorry?” you questioned her.

She laughed, “That didn’t come out how I intended it to. I meant, why are you wearing slacks instead of a skirt? I’ve never met a assistant who wears pants to work, especially on her first day.”

You shrugged, “It’s just more comfortable. I think all secretaries should do it, what with all the running around that we have to do. Also, I don’t like how it aids the objectification of women in this line of work.” You concluded by saying, “Besides, I don’t remember there being any company policy about a dress code.”

Maybe going on a rant about not wanting to wear a skirt was probably not the best thing to do infront of the HR Manager who was wearing said item of clothing. But, you were nothing if not unnecessarily adamant about your beliefs.

To your relief, Jihyo smiled, her big eyes wide with amusement. “I think we’re going to get along really well, y/n” she said.

“I…’ you trailed off, unsure of how to respond.

“Let me give you some advice to mark the beginning of our new friendship.” She said and you listened intently, curious as to what she had to say. “The CEO is kind of an asshole. So, try to not talk back to him. It makes everyone’s lives easier.” She added, as an afterthought, “Although, with your personality, I don’t think it’s going to be possible.”

You were unsure if she was complimenting you or insulting you, but you decided to just thank her and get to work. You had heard from a lot of people that the new CEO was kind of a jerk, but you figured that it wouldn’t be anything that you couldn’t handle.

“Thank you, Ms Park.” You said, smiling.

She replied, pointing to the room at the center of the floor, past the cubicles, “That’s the devil’s den. Good luck, y/n.” As you bowed and began to walk away, she called you, “And, y/n, please, it’s Jihyo to you.”

You nodded in response, grateful for her kindness.

The employees sitting at the cubicles looked at you as you walked past and you bowed to them politely. Most of them bowed back, and you could swear that you saw pity in their eyes. You shrugged it off and knocked on the door of the CEO, your heart was beating loudly with anticipation. You were finally going to see the face behind the mysterious Kim Namjoon.

“Yes?” a deep voice sounded from inside and you opened the door, walking in whilst looking down at the floor politely. You were too used to the forms of respect in this country. You approached him and said, “Good morning, Sir. I’m y/n, I’ll be your assistant from today. Please take care of me.”

You waited for him to answer, still looking down. But he didn’t respond and a silent pause filled the large room. You took that as your cue to look up and the first thing that you felt was as though someone had punched you in your gut. You let out an involuntary gasp. You suppressed the urge to scream, your previously fast paced heartbeat was beating more erratically and you felt like your heart would jump out of your chest at any given moment.

There, sitting in front of you as your new boss was the sexy stranger from last night.

“Fuck,” you whispered, unable to hold back your tongue. He seemed to be shocked too. His eyes were wide with recognition and he looked paler than you remember him being. He was obviously very baffled as well.

He cleared his throat after what felt like an eternity and said, “It’s nice to meet you, Ms y/n. I’ve heard a lot about you from my father.”

You looked at him, as though he were crazy. One minute he had been astonished and speechless and the next minute he went on like nothing had happened.

“T-Thank you, sir.” You stuttered.

“Get settled into your desk outside and someone will give you a memo about what your job here will entail.” He said, His voice was stable and sure, a complete contrast from how he sounded the night before.

You nodded, still in shock. Your luck always edged on being rotten, but this was a new one, even for you. The one time that you decided to have some fun and go ahead to sleep with a stranger, he turns out to be your boss. Wonderful.

He raised an eyebrow at you, but you couldn’t reply.

“Anything else, Ms y/n?” he asked. He snapped his fingers in order to gain your attention and the action pulled you out of your trance.

“N-no, sir.” You replied, eyes shaking.

“Then, you can leave.” He said with a slight brush of his hand, the wave motioning you out.

It almost seemed demeaning, like he thought you were a lowly creature that he could boss around with gestures. You didn’t say anything, but a bitter taste was left in your mouth as you managed to bow and walk out.

Instead of sitting at your desk, you walked briskly towards the washroom, following the sign on the wall. You knew that you needed to be alone to collect your thoughts and you couldn’t do that in your seat where everyone was bound to come up to you to socialize.

As soon as you entered the washroom, you sighed in relief that it was empty. You stood in front of the mirror, breathing loudly. Your nerves had taken a hit, seeing that man sitting there on that chair.

Breathe, you told yourself. It is going to be okay.

He seemed to find it easy to complete forget what had happened between the pair of you. All you had to do was pretend like nothing happened. It wasn’t like you dated him or anything, it was just casual, meaningless sex. How difficult could it be to ignore? You looked into the mirror and nodded. You put your fists in front of you, cheering yourself on. It was time to be professional-something you were confident that you could do perfectly.

You walked out with a new found determination and sat down in your seat. To your chagrin, your cubicle was the closest one to the CEO’s cabin and although it faced away from his door, you were certain that, from the inside, anyone would have a clear view of your space. Not that it mattered because why would the CEO and son of the President of such a big conglomerate care about what an easily replaceable assistant is doing?

An older woman walked upto your desk with a smile and introduced herself as Mrs Oh. She handed you a file, sticky notes of various colours sticking out from different pages of it.

“It’s the boss’s schedule and the details on our current projects,” she explained. You thanked her for her hard work and she left after saying, “Good luck, love. We’re all rooting for you.”

Another voice said, “yeah!” from behind you and you almost jumped up from your seat, startled. You looked around to find the source of the voice and you find a man, similar in age, smiling back at you. His hair was light pink and fell onto his forehead effortlessly. His bright hair seemed to be completely out of place in the uneventful office, as did his smile that turned his eyes into half-moons.

“Hey!” he said, cheerfully. “I’m Jimin!” His voice was soft and melodious and you found yourself smiling and greeting him back.

“Hello. I’m y/n. Nice to meet you.”

He shook your outstretched hand vigorously and said, “I work right there,” he pointed down the hallway, “If you need anything, just come over and ask.”

“That’s really nice of you.” You replied, flipping through the pages of the file. You hesitated, frowning at the mess of a document, “Can I ask you something?”

“Sure!” he replied, still smiling.

“Why is everyone being extra nice to me?” you asked.

He laughed and looked at you, amused. “You didn’t hear this from me,” he said and you tilted your head in confusion. He leaned down and whispered into your ear, taking you aback, “Our boss is kind of a jerk.”

You still looked at him, speechless and he winked at you before saying, “You’ll see! Good luck, y/n.” He walked away and you couldn’t help but stare at his retreating figure wondering how bad Kim Namjoon could be that everyone in the office seemed to want to warn you away.

You found out how bad the man in question was sooner than you had anticipated. It was bad enough that you had to pretend to have never met him before when in fact you had slept with the man less than twenty four hours ago, but on top of that you had to start your job on the day when there was a big inter departmental meeting in the office.

You sat next to the CEO, trying to take down notes and understand what each department head was presenting, but it was hopeless. You couldn’t make head or tail about anything, having had no time to prepare or no prior knowledge about marketing strategies-the topic of discussion that day. You tried to scribble down everything, unable to discern what is important from what is not. You even caught Jihyo smiling at you encouragingly, but you knew you were screwed.

So, of course at the end of the day, you couldn’t help but submit a half-assed report of the meeting to Mr Kim, readying yourself to get yelled at for the low quality work that you knew you had done. To your surprise, he didn’t yell at you, he glanced over the report and then at your face. He sighed and handed the papers back to you. “I assume you know that this is a horrible report, Ms y/n.”

“S-sorry, Mr Kim.” You stuttered. You hated this entire situation. The one thing you could always pride yourself about was how good you were at your job. You felt horrible that you couldn’t show your best work on the first day at your new job.

He sighed, “Were you aware that I had a meeting with Mr Conrad at 4 pm today?”

“I….” you trailed off, trying to remember what his schedule was for the day.

“Why wasn’t I made aware of this?” he questioned, without waiting for a response.

“I’m sorry, sir.” That was all you could manage to say.

He looked at you as you hung your head down in shame. He said, “This is the first and last time, Ms y/n.” he said and you looked up at him, biting your lip. “I’m going to let it go this time since it’s your first day. But, keep in mind that I won’t be tolerating such shoddy work in the future.”

“I apologize for today, sir.” You said, making a mental note to never mess up again.

“You’re now the CEO’s assistant. This means that you have to be better than the best. I don’t care what my father has to say about you, I have to see for myself how capable you are before I trust you.”

“Of course, sir.” You grit your teeth. He was slowly crossing the line. It was your first day. Was it so difficult to give you a day to adjust to a new job?

“You may leave.” He said, looking into his laptop. You turn around ready to leave, anger bubbling inside you when he says, “Also…”

“Yes, sir?” you ask, looking towards him again.

“Last night never happened.” He stated, his voice was lower this time.

You didn’t reply, so he prodded for an answer. “Are we on the same page?”

You took a second to answer and replied, “Yes, sir. Absolutely.”

He gave a brief nod and you left, closing the door to his cabin and sitting down at your cubicle. Your palms were white now due to how hard you had clenched them. You scoffed and wondered how you did not figure out that he was such a fucking jerk when you had had sex with him. You were usually pretty perceptive, owing to the nature of your job.

You made a vow to yourself that day. You would give your two hundred percent to this job. More than anything, you wanted to prove to Kim Namjoon that you weren’t some pushover that he could bully just because he was your boss. You would be the best assistant that anyone has ever had, so fucking great that he won’t be able to do any work without you.

You used to love monsoon as a child. It still reminded you of fond memories of staring outside the school bus while it rained, breathing in the scent of the wet ground and being filled with hope for your future and dreams of great life experiences that were yet to happen.

Clearly, standing at the counter of a coffee shop, ordering a double shot Americano at seven in the fucking morning while it rained outside had never been a part of those dreams. You had barely slept in the past week, reaching home at midnight and being up and about before the sun even came up.

You thanked the barista and moved towards the door, unfurling your umbrella and running as fast as you could towards the office building holding onto the cup filled with the hot liquid.

Even though you had been taking the elevator for well over a month, you couldn’t get used to it. It still felt suffocating and you spent the ride closing your eyes and counting down until the doors would open at the top floor.

You got out, breathing a sigh of relief and walked towards your boss’s cabin. You knocked on the door twice and you went in.

Kim Namjoon was a good looking man, no one could argue about that. But, in his current state, he looked less like the CEO and more like a vagabond. His clothes were crumpled and dirty, his hair was greasy and completely untamed while his complexion had become pale which brought out the dark circles under his sharp eyes.

“I brought you coffee.” You stated, smiling at him.

He put his hand forward, grabbing it from your hand and taking a sip of it. “That feels nice.” He murmured and you almost felt like waking up at the ass crack of dawn for this was worth it.

He continued, “What are you doing here at this time, y/n?”

You shrugged, “You’ve been here all night working for this meeting, sir. I thought you would like some coffee.”

He seemed surprised, but didn’t say anything. “I do like the coffee. Thank you.”

Being by his side throughout the day for over a month, you had realized that there were times when the arrogant CEO would suddenly take a back seat and a nice, gentlemanly person would take the wheel. It was almost as if he had two personalities and he always managed to startle you. You were good at observing people and discerning their personalities, but Kim Namjoon was still an enigma that you couldn’t fully understand no matter how much you tried.

After realizing that you hadn’t replied within an appropriate amount of time, you said. “It’s the least I could do.” After a pause, you added, “Sir, do you want to hear your schedule for the day?”

“Go ahead.” he replied, taking in the coffee.

You pulled out your iPad from your bag and cleared your throat. But before you could begin to read out the details that you had stored in it, you were cut off by Namjoon’s coughing. You looked at him, a little taken aback. But, you steadied yourself by reminding yourself that he was also human, even though he barely acted like it and that he too could fall ill.

You began reading, “You have a meeting with the marketing department at noon and a conference call with the Busan office at 3. I took the liberty of cancelling other, less pressing meetings this week since you’ll be busy preparing for the presentation in front of the board. I hope that’s okay.”

He nodded, “Yes, that’s alright. This merger is more important than anything else at the moment.”

You understood what weightage this presentation held for him. It was the first time he would be addressing the board of directors as the CEO and he probably felt an immense amount of pressure to make the merger of a smaller company called Kim Electricals with Bangtan Corporations a success.

You had to give him credit for all the hard work that he was putting into the project. He had been working late every day for the last week, reading, re-reading and reviewing every little detail. The man had worked himself sick, for crying out loud. Of course, being his assistant meant that your life would become difficult whenever his did. To keep true to your resolution, you did everything possible to be the perfect assistant. You even did things that he didn’t ask of you, but required nonetheless. You didn’t give him a single chance to complain or to doubt your ability.

“Is there anything that I can help with, Mr Kim?” you asked, ready to get started on the work day.

He looked at you for a moment and said, “Your day doesn’t start until 9.”

“My day starts when yours does.” You stated and he gave a hint of a smile at the remark, although it was so brief that you thought you had imagined it.

“Alright, then.” He said. “Why don’t you take these files from sales and compile the reports based on month and year?” You had to pause and look at him as he was overcome with another coughing fit, sniffing his nose after his body had calmed down.

“Alright, sir. I’ll get on it right away.” You said, not pointing out his current state, but picking up a few of the files and carrying them to your desk. It was one of the days when you had decided to wear a pencil skirt and heels and you regretted your choice as soon as you realized how much you would have to walk back and forth during the busy day.

Namjoon seemed to have put his attention back to the papers that he had been occupied with when you had come in. You wished he could have been kind enough to let you sort out the reports in his office, thereby allowing you to avoid carrying them in batches to your desk, but Namjoon was anything but kind when it came to privacy and you felt stupid for expecting anything from him.

When you were picking up the last of the files after several trips back and forth, you gave a quick glance towards him and your eyes were suddenly looking into his dark ones. He seemed to be thinking deeply, his eyes trained on you. As soon as he noticed your gaze, he looked away, clearing his throat and pretending like he had not looked up from his file at all. You didn’t confront him about it, either, because god knows you’ve looked at him a lot more than he ever has. Sometimes memories from the first night that you had met him would pop into your head and you couldn’t help but stare at his beautiful face and his long limbs or the veins on his hands that showed every time he would roll up the sleeves of his dress shirt. Most of all, you often found it hard to not stop and stare at his deep dimples that appeared on his cheeks when he smiled.

You had to hold back the unintentional satisfaction that surged in your body when you realized that maybe you were not the only one who was sexually frustrated. It couldn’t amount to anything, of course. He was your boss and this was an important job for you. But, little victories were all that made you happy in the past few days and you walked with a smirk on your face as you moved towards your now cluttered desk. You began reading the dates etched on the files, sighing as you arranged them in the order of their creation.

Before you knew it, the first of the early arriving employees had begun to filter into the office, some of them looking towards you with a smile, and others eyeing you with pity. The mundane task that you were occupied with was wearing you out just by how boring it really was, the numbers now swirling in front of your eyes, the names a muddled pool of letters. You decided that it was time for a coffee break and decided to go to the employee break room of the floor.

You got up, stretching slightly and fighting the urge to rub your eyes. You began sauntering towards the break room, heels clicking on the wooden floor. When you entered the room, you were greeted by familiar heads turning to look at you. Jimin was smiling as he sat in a chair with a bagel in his hand while Lisa was scrolling through her phone, standing next to him.

“Early day?” Jimin asked and you nodded as you made your way to the coffee machine.

Lisa flashed her bright smile at you, “Hey! I haven’t seen you in forever!”

You scoffed, smelling your strong coffee, stirring a spoon of sugar into it, “I haven’t been out and about in forever, all thanks to my extra hard-working, stuck up, boss.”

“It can’t be that bad!” she chirped. Her constant positivity baffled you on the daily.

Jimin piped up in your defense, “Spending all day with Kim Namjoon doesn’t exactly translate to an easy and dandy time.”

“At least he’s hot.” She mused and you almost spit out your coffee.

Jimin’s face had formed a frown at her remark and he said, “If you’re into the whole demanding, serious, broody kind.”

“Jimin,” Lisa said, suddenly serious, “who isn’t into the tall, rich, and young CEO of a big conglomerate?”

He shook his head in disdain and you watched their exchange in silence. From the corner of the room, a woman’s voice suddenly boomed, “I don’t know about that, Lisa. He’s quite a handful.”

You traced the source of the voice to find Ms Lee, the head of accounting standing near the mini refrigerator accompanied by Mina, an accountant from her team. They were known in the office as quite the loud mouths, famous as the resident office gossips. You had even heard from Jimin that when Namjoon first started as the CEO, Mina had flirted with him relentlessly and made moves on him in the welcome party, but he had rejected her completely. Since then, she was open to hear any sort of information about him, ready to find something humiliating enough to get her vengeance.

Mina gave her two cents that no one had asked for, “He’s so uptight, it’s like he’s 70.”

You weren’t a very big fan of Kim Namjoon either, but you couldn’t stand hearing her insulting him for some reason. Maybe it was a sense of loyalty that had developed as you worked with him seeing how dedicated and hard-working he was. You believed in giving people credit when it was due. You said, interrupting the backbiting session that a simple coffee run had turned into. “He’s just serious about the work. I think it’s necessary, don’t you?”

Mina’s eyes widened in surprise, as did Jimin’s. He was privy to your constant ranting about your boss and you defending him was clearly peculiar. Ms Lee said, “I’m sure you know better than us, y/n, but he’s the most bossy executive that I’ve worked under. Besides, he’s always so serious. I mean, lighten up a little, am I right?”

You shrugged, “I think it’s what keeps the company working.”

“What do you mean?” Lisa asked, her smile returning, curiosity edged in her voice.

“I mean, he’s young and new. There are so many employees here who are older and more experienced. I think he’s just trying his best to make them see that he’s not some silly youngster with bright ideas who can be humored. You know how strict this country is with the whole age thing. If he isn’t a hardass, no one would listen to him.” You realized that the room had become so silent that if you dropped a pin, it could have been heard. You had surprised yourself with what you had said, but you didn’t regret it one bit. It was the truth, after all.

“Besides, I think he’s quite fair and only gets all domineering when things are done wrong. So, we just have to do our jobs well and I’m sure he only asks for reasonable things.” You realized that you had been rambling on, all attention diverted towards you and your cheeks turned a shade of pink in embarrassment. You shrugged, and awkwardly end your speech by saying, “So, yeah.”

You expected to be bombarded with opinions and questions, but instead, the tension in the room grew tenfold when the door to the lounge opened and Kim Namjoon walked in. You were frozen in place, and everyone else seemed to be too. You noticed that Mina’s eyes were wide with surprise. Jimin was the first one to break the silence, “Good morning, Mr Kim” he greeted the CEO. Namjoon gave a courteous nod towards the shorter male.

Lisa gave a small bow from her position that Namjoon returned with another brief nod.

Ms Lee, seemingly out of her state of shock, said, “Good morning, sir. Have a good day.” She bowed lightly and left the room, Mina following her out.

Namjoon began to open the cabinets, looking for something.

“Can I help you, sir?” you asked. Your cheeks were feeling hot and you were sure that they must have turned into a shade of red. You were hoping with all your might that he hadn’t been privy to the conversation that had just happened in the room before he had walked in.

He stopped his actions abruptly, looking at you directly. You had to make a conscious effort to look away from his eyes, the look he was giving you rendering you immobile.

“Just here for some coffee.” He replied, still looking at you.

“C-coffee?” you snapped out of your daze. “You don’t like the coffee here.” You stated. Namjoon hated the coffee that was available at the office. This was the reason you had spent so much time at the café down the street, ordering his takeaway caffeine two, sometimes three times a day.

He gave a small smile, his dimples appearing slightly, “y/n…” he started, “I’ve spent over 48 hours working, I’ve hardly slept for four hours, and I’m pretty sure that I’m catching a cold. Yet, I have no time to spare to eat or drink anything.  I think I can make an exception and drink the coffee that is closely available to me instead of waiting on you to get me some after fifteen minutes.”

You heard Lisa exhale loudly, as though she were holding her laughter. You spared a moment to glare at her before looking back at your boss and saying, “I’m sorry, sir. I’ll make sure to make the coffee runs faster next time.”

Namjoon opened his mouth to respond, but closed it again, as though hesitating. “That…not what I meant.” He said and sighed.

You raised your eyebrows in confusion, but he didn’t explain. Instead he said, “Nevermind,” and resumed his search in the cabinets.

“Sir,” you said, moving closer and pulling out a cup from the open cabinet. “I’ll bring you some coffee. You can go back to your cabin.”

“There’s no need.” He said, grabbing onto the cup with his hand.

“Please, sir,” you insisted, “Let me.” You’d be damned if you let him have the satisfaction of criticizing your coffee bringing speed. Your grip on the cup tightened and you pulled it towards yourself.

He looked at you, and realizing that you wouldn’t back down, he let go of the cup and nodded. Not sparing Jimin and Lisa a glance, he walked towards the door, coughing a little before opening the door and going out.

Jimin let out a low whistle. “Wow. Intense.” He said, grinning. Lisa laughed at his comment.

“What?” you ask, looking at your friends.

“I can’t believe you defended him.” Jimin said, “After all the bitching I’ve had to sit through, I didn’t expect you to have such a soft spot for him.”

You groaned, “Shut up. I was just trying to be a good assistant.” Then, your eyes widened in panic, “You don’t think he heard us, do you? Oh my fucking god, I hope he didn’t. That is so embarrassing!”

Lisa shook her head, smiling, “I’m sure he would have said something if he had heard.”

You nodded, choosing to believe her. “Yeah, you’re right! Holy shit, thank you.”

“Now, bring him his coffee before he loses his mind.” Jimin stated, standing up to walk out. He gave your shoulder a small squeeze before leaving. Lisa followed him out after throwing you another bright smile.

You sighed, looking at the cup in your hand. Why did these things only happen to you? You’ve always had the worst luck, but the past few weeks have set a new record for succeeding to make your life a mess.

You poured the coffee into the cup, still hoping that he hadn’t heard a single thing that you’d said. Right before walking out, you stopped in your tracks and looked back at the mini kitchen counter. You bit your lip wondering if you should take the liberty to do what you were about to do. You stood there, convincing yourself that you had to do this, if not for the sake of his health, for the sake of all the sleepless nights that you’d had to bear with for the sake of this presentation.

You moved back to the counter, threw the contents on the cup into the sink and kept it down before pulling out a new one and pouring some hot water into it before searching for the packet of green tea bags.

When you reached Namjoon’s cabin with the cup of tea, you heard voices from inside. You knocked on the door and the voices halted before you heard him asking you to enter. You opened his door to find Jihyo sitting infront of him with a frown on her face. When she saw you, she gave a small smile, before looking back at him with a scowl.

You placed the cup infront of him, and he looked at its contents. You took a deep breath and said, “I brought you some tea. I hope that’s okay. I just thought that coffee wouldn’t help with your cold and you should be healthy for this presentation.”

You expected him to scoff and say something sarcastic, but to your surprise, he said, “That’s nice of you. Thank you.”

Your eyes widened briefly before you said, “Just doing my job.”

“Making him beverages?” Jihyo scoffed, looking at him, “Is this what you think assistants are for?” You were a little taken aback by her rash words towards the CEO.

You decided to reply on his behalf, “I insisted, Ms Park. It’s my job to make sure that he gets all the help to do his job well.”

She smiled at you. “You’re a good assistant, Ms y/n. I hate that you’re wasting away beside him.” She shook her head slowly.

Namjoon sighed. “Can we get back to work now, Jihyo? I don’t have time for this right now.” He said, running his fingers through his hair in frustration.

You took that as your cue to leave, but Namjoon stopped you. “Before you leave, y/n, could you please find the Accounts reports from this pile?” he pointed at the pile on his desk and you reached for it immediately, sifting through them to find the ones he was looking for.

“Okay.” Jihyo said, crossing her arms, “Fine. What do you want me to do?”

“All the reports of HR from the past two years are completely wrong. How am I supposed to submit this to the board?” he asked, picking up the file in front of him.

“Like I said before, there was major mishap with the system and we didn’t find the error until yesterday. We’ll need time to make the corrections to the configurations.” She explained.

“There is no time!” Namjoon replied, his tone exasperated.  “You have to hand the new reports over to me by tomorrow. I need them on my desk.”

She took a deep breath in, “You want me work overtime again? I told you that you can have the reports in 2days. The board meeting isn’t until then, anyway.”

“I can’t give you two days. I need to review it and that’ll take time.” He deadpanned earning another scowl from Jihyo.

“You know,” she started after a pause, “You don’t seem like the Kim Namjoon that I grew up with. You’re just this major dickhead of a boss now.” She stated, before standing up. “You can have the reports tomorrow, but just know that I hate you now.”

She walked out without waiting for a reply. You had found the file that he had asked for, but you were still processing the new information that Jihyo and Namjoon were childhood friends. That explained a lot about her informal behavior with him and the fact that he didn’t reprimand her for it.

“y/n?” he called out, seeing you spaced out. “Is that the file in your hand?”

You nodded handing it over to him, your fingers brushing his slightly and a jolt of electricity sparked at the sudden contact making your both recoil your hands. He looked at you, picking up the cup of tea and taking a sip. “Thanks.” He said again and you felt like you were in an alternate universe where Kim Namjoon was actually capable of expressing his gratitude twice in one day.

He pinched the bridge of his nose with his fingers, sighing to himself. He couldn’t remember the last time he had been this stressed.

Actually, he did. It had been only a month ago when he had to close the deal with Min Engineering—his first ever deal as CEO. That was the first time that he had given in to the stress and had decided to let go completely when he met a woman in a bar, she was smart and her responses to his comments had been witty. That was also the first time that he had taken a woman to a hotel, solely with the purpose of having sex with her with no strings attached. It had been a fun night, the sex was great and she hadn’t tried to get his phone number afterwards.

But, the last thing he had expected was for her to be appointed as his new personal assistant.

It had been hard enough being thrust into this position of power by his family. He felt like he had been thrown into a sea of sharks, completely unarmed to fight them. The last thing he needed was to be branded as the kind of man who slept with his employees. He had a lot to prove to his family, to his company and to the world and he would be damned if he let a meaningless one night stand ruin everything for him.

Only, as time went by, it didn’t remain completely meaningless.

You were good at your job. He would never say it out loud, but you made his life easier at every step and he had become so used to your help in the past month that he couldn’t understand how he got anything done before you came into his life.

You never did anything to indicate that you had lingering thoughts about the night that you had slept together. You were professional and somehow he found himself at the disadvantaged end—the only one of the two who would get caught staring, the only one unable to stop himself from checking you out. You had wriggled your way into his life, gained his trust without him knowing it and worst of all, you took care of him.

That’s what troubled him the most. You were the only person in his life who genuinely gave a fuck about his wellness, his health and his mood. Even though you didn’t have to, you would stay up helping him, work overtime whenever he did, and gave up on your weekends even when he didn’t ask you to. You did more than what he expected from an assistant and sometimes he wondered if your mind was occupied with thoughts of him like his was with thoughts of you, but he shook those delusions away. You were just being a good personal assistant, the best one possible, which is why his father hired you for this position in the first place.

He had been occupied with these thoughts ever since he had overheard the conversation that had happened in the employee lounge early on in the during the day. He was pleasantly surprised to hear what you actually thought of him. He still felt a strange warmth in his heart when he replayed your words in his head. His inhibitions seemed to have lowered out of the blue and he found himself wanting to befriend you, to talk to you and to understand you like you had understood him.

He looked at the cup of tea in front of him. It was embarrassing that a simple gesture of worrying about his health could make his heart beat so rapidly. Even Jihyo’s tantrums couldn’t bring his mood down and that almost never happened.

He sighed again thinking of all the extra work he’d have to do because of the mess that Jihyo’s department had made. He didn’t have time to have dreamy fantasies about his assistant. He needed to look at the accounts from Kim Electricals and make sure that there were no discrepancies. He had insisted that he would do it after seeing how busy the Accounts department had been with everything that was going on.

He buried his head in the files again, making notes on his laptop whilst looking out for any emails that may require his attention.

The day went by quickly and once the conference call with the Busan office was over, he felt relieved that everything there was in perfect order. He just had to concentrate on the merger now and then he would be able to calm down for a few days.

He pouted slightly when he saw the pile of documents on his table. He would have to pull another all-nighter to go through everything.

He muttered to himself, “I knew I should have just run away when I had the chance.” He leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes, desperate to just get a good night’s sleep in his own bed. He continued talking to himself, a habit he had picked up as a child that would manifest at times of stress. The sound of the soft knock at the door was drowned by his voice. “Fuck this. Let them fire me. Let them say I’m useless.” He groaned, missing the soft rush of wind that was caused by the opening of the door. “I can’t take this shit anymore!”

You cleared you throat, making his eyes shoot open, “Sir?”

He looked at you wide eyed.

“Are you alright, Mr. Kim?” you asked.

He nodded quickly, “Yes! I was just thinking about something!” His words came out more rushed than he intended them to.

You bit your lip in contemplation. You looked at the state that he was in, feeling awful for him.

I’m would do this for anyone. I’m just being a good human being, you convinced yourself.

“Mr. Kim? Do you want me to look over some of these files?” you offered.

He stammered, his face a little pink, “T-there’s no need, y/n. It’s past work hours anyway.”

You eyed him knowing that he was stubborn. But you were stubborn too. You weren’t going to let him blatantly reject your humanitarian efforts….not when he was clearly on the verge of a meltdown.

You looked at him, feeling braver than you should have, “I told you already, sir, my work hours start and end when your’s do. Besides, I mean no offense whatsoever, but you look like you could clearly use some help.”

He didn’t say anything.

You continued, “If this is because you think I’m not qualified enough to look over some details, or that I’m just an assistant who isn’t capable of-“

He cut you off, handing you a file, “Sit down, y/n.”

You smiled in triumph seating yourself on one of the chairs in front of his desk. “Just tell me what to do and I’ll do a good job, I promise.” You smiled at him.

He stood up, circling around his desk. He startled you by sitting on the chair next to yours, his thigh almost touching your own. He points at the page and explains, “These are the shipments from last month. But, the numbers don’t add up. There’s a surplus somewhere and we need to find it.”

You nodded, trying not to let the proximity get to you. “I’ll get to it.” You mumbled.

After about an hour of reviewing and making noted on what you’d found, you desperately needed to take a break.

You could see that the lights outside were dimmer which meant that the other employees had already left the building. You could also see from the corner of your eye that Namjoon was still engrossed in his file. The watch on your wrist showed that it was 7pm and the grumbling in your stomach showed that you were soon going to die of hunger.

Namjoon looked up at the sound that your stomach made, raising his eyebrows, “Hungry?”

“I’m okay.” You said, but the loud sounds from your stomach gave you away.

He smiled, his dimples rendering you speechless for a moment. “You know, y/n, I’m not a total ruthless asshole. Although I do act like it a lot of the times. We can get some dinner now. My treat as a token of appreciation for all the good work that you’re doing.”

To say that you were taken aback was an understatement. He seemed like a real person now, like he did on that night that you were trying hard to forget but failing. “Sir, I-“

“What do you feel like eating? I think the Italian place two blocks away has good food.” He said, getting up.

You hold onto his wrist instinctively, stopping him from getting up. “How about we order some pizza?” you suggest.

He froze when your skin made contact with his, but managed to say, “Pizza?”

“You don’t like pizza, Mr Kim?” you asked, then with a smile, you teased, “Rich people don’t like pizza, is that it?”

He scoffed playfully, “That’s right, Ms y/n,” he said, “But, I would be a total dumbass if I were to be one of those people.”

You let out a small laugh. “Double cheese, with extra pepperoni?” you asked, pulling out your phone from your pocket. He nodded, smiling at you softly.

The pizza arrived in less than fifteen minutes and nothing had made you happier in all the time that you had worked here. You were not the kind of person who could suppress your hunger and it showed in the way you opened the box and grabbed a slice of pizza, mumbling how good it tasted.

Namjoon looked at you with amusement. He had never seen you this happy before. He had to bite into a slice of pizza in order to stifle his laughter.

The pair of you ate in silence, until he decided to break it, “It’s 7.30.” he stated.

You looked at him, confusion written on your face, “I guess so.”

He continued, “That technically means this isn’t working hours.”

You frowned, “Well, we are working and we are still in the office building, so I think that’s not very accurate.” You added as an afterthought, realizing your mistake, “Sir.”

He paused, then said, “You don’t have to call me sir when we aren’t working.”

“But we are working, sir.”

He sighed in resignation.

You asked, with curiosity, “What was your point, Mr Kim?”

He looked at you, placing his slice of pizza down on the box. “I…I just wanted to say thank you. And not as your boss, just as me. Kim Namjoon.”

You humored him, “What would Kim Namjoon be thanking me for?”

“For standing up for him in front of his employees.” He paused and added before you could say anything, “And for not bringing up how we met and making it awkward.”

You almost spit out the food in your mouth, not having expected him to talk about it. He had overheard everything that you’d said to Mina. Just perfect.

He handed you water as your coughed, the food going down the wrong pipe.

You drank the water, then ate in silence again, unable to think of what to say. You heart was beating rapidly due to the awkwardness in the air.

Namjoon said, “Can I ask you something, y/n?”

“Sure.” You said. He smiled at the fact that you hadn’t called him sir.

“Am I really as intolerable as everyone in the office makes it seem?” You looked at his almond shaped eyes, they were sincere and he looked at you expectantly almost like a child waiting for an answer.

“I think you can be difficult. But, never out of line.” You said, and seeing his expression turn sour, you added, “So, no, you aren’t completely intolerable. Just a little difficult sometimes.”

He nodded. His mouth formed a straight line. “You can be honest with me. Lately, it seems like nobody else is.” He said.

“I don’t lie.” You said. You really didn’t want to say anything that might have crossed a line. It seemed like he was asking you a question like a friend would, and for some unknown reason, you felt like you’d gotten a little closer to him in the span of a few hours. Having seen him be more than just the CEO for a few minutes got you thinking that maybe all he wanted right now was someone he could talk to, someone who could understand.

You hesitated to be that person, though and you kept quiet.

“Shall we get back to work, sir?” you asked, putting the boxes aside.

At your attempt to change the subject, he didn’t say anything, although he frowned a bit harder. He nodded briefly and looked into a file placed in front of him. You decided to do the same, but you couldn’t concentrate.

You could see Namjoon pouting like a little child. You heard him sigh a few times and you rolled your eyes. You were wondering why you were ever intimidated by this man who was acting more and more like a 10 year old.

You sighed, knowing fully well that if you didn’t say what was on your mind, you wouldn’t get any work done.

“You are kind of an asshole, but I sort of understand why you need to be one.” You said.

He looked at you, turning his neck with such vigor that you were worried he would get whiplash. He looked at your face, his eyes scanning them. Then he broke out into a smile. “So, you don’t hate me?”

You weren’t expecting that question at all. “N-no.” you said, and your eyes unknowing travelled to look at his lips.

He seemed to notice that too, and the two of you just stared at each other in silence. The sexual tension was killing you, you stomach a mess from all the butterflies. You cleared your throat and looked down, blushing.

Trying to get back into work, you said, “I think the surplus is because of the accident that happened in one of their factories.”

“Hmm.” He hummed in response. Then said, “I think you’re right. We should see how they spent the insurance money to figure this out.”

You nodded, looking for the file. When you did find it, you sat down, exhausted from not having slept for what seemed like days now. You eyelids were heavy and you had to bite your inner cheek to keep yourself from falling asleep as you looked at the boring numbers.

You didn’t realize when you fell asleep, your head tilted painfully on the chair. You also didn’t realize when your body decided to get more comfortable and lean your head down to fall onto strong, broad shoulders.

Namjoon couldn’t help the fond smile that creeped onto his face and the fact that he liked how the weight of your head felt nuzzled on his shoulder.

The day of the meeting arrived faster that you had expected. You had personally made sure that the board room was ready to host the presentation. It seemed like the entire office was buzzing with the anticipation for the merger, the employees hoping that all their slogging would be fruitful.

You had found out that the owner of Kim Electricals would be arriving for the meeting too. A little birdie aka Lisa had told you that the owner was as hot as hot could get. You had rolled your eyes at her immaturity, but when you saw him seated in Namjoon’s cabin, legs crossed and a dazzling smile on his face, you couldn’t help but agree with her. He was attractive, and he knew it too, which probably aided to his good looks.

Namjoon stood up, greeting the man and he threw a sideway glance at you, introducing you.

“y/n, this is Kim Seokjin, and Jin Hyung, this is y/n, my assistant.”

The honorifics meant that Seokjin was older and that they probably knew each other outside work.

“Nice to meet you.” You said, with a soft smile.

Seokjin grabbed your hand shaking it, startling you, “Namjoon, you didn’t tell me that your assistant was so beautiful.”

You felt a blush creeping onto your face out of pure embarrassment at how brazen he was being. You looked at Namjoon unwittingly, gaging his expression. You didn’t know what you expected, but he didn’t look jealous or annoyed. You had to shake yourself mentally, shocked at your own train of thought. Why did you expect him to care about someone flirting with you?

“Can we please get to work?” Namjoon said, rolling his eyes at Seokjin. “y/n, please escort him to the board room.”

You nodded and pointed to the door politely, following him out.

The smile was plastered on his face throughout the elevator ride while you had to close your eyes like you always did.

When you opened the door to the board room, it was empty. You asked him to take a seat and to ask for anything that he might need while he waited.

“Ms y/n, can I ask you something?” he asked, and you nodded.

“Yes, sir?”

“Please. Call me Jin.” He said. When you didn’t reply, he joked, “Or oppa. That will do too.”

He winked and you laughed at how ridiculous he was being. “What’s your question, sir?” you enunciated the last word to make a point.

He pouted slightly, before asking, “Do you think Namjoon is a good man?”

You hesitated to answer, frankly taken aback by the serious tone of his voice. He added, “I’ve known him since high school. It gets difficult to make real friends when you come from families such as ours.”

You nodded, knowing what he meant. Rich heirs like them probably didn’t settle too well away from their protected, socialite lives.

He continued, “But, we’ve relied on each other a lot as we became older. Well, us and Jihyo.”

You remembered the conversation that Namjoon had had with Jihyo a few days back and it all made sense to you now.

“That’s nice.” You said, glad that Namjoon seemed to have genuine friends, even though you knew it wasn’t something you should care enough to be happy about.

“I just want to make sure that he’s surrounded by good people at a stressful time like this.” He concluded.

“Don’t worry about it. He’s doing a great job so far and I try to make sure that he doesn’t get carried away.” You replied. He seemed satisfied with that answer and you left him to go back to meet Namjoon.

Your boss was a mess. Usually he was confident and well spoken, but you could see that how nervous he was by the way he frowned, looking around as his eyes were unable to focus on one particular thing.  He was fidgeting, restless from the anxiety. You hated seeing him like this. You hated it when he did things that made him seem more human. You felt an indistinguishable feeling in your body and the need to comfort him somehow grew tenfold. That was new to you because you’d had bosses before, and none of them made you feel like this.

He checked the time and got up. He made his way to the door and said, “I should probably go wait downstairs.”

You looked at him, wondering what to do to help. “Mr Kim,” you called out and he stopped in his tracks right in front of the door.

“You’ve got this.” You said, with a smile.

He nodded, still looking unsure, “Yeah.”

“Seriously.”  You start, “I’ve seen the whole process of this presentation from scratch and I can bet my life on the fact that you’ll do great.”

He looked at you with a slight smile, “Thanks, y/n. I wish I could be as confident right now.” He ran his fingers through his hair.

You moved forward instinctively, taking his hand and giving it a squeeze. “Come on, where is the Kim Namjoon we all know and hate?” you joked.

You didn’t let go of his hand as he said sarcastically, putting on a front of offence, “Funny.”

You let go of his hand were about to take a step back when he grabbed your wrist instead, pulling you closer. You could smell his cologne on him, “W-What are you doing?” you stammered. He didn’t reply, but turned you around so that your back was to the door and pushed you back slightly. You felt the cold surface of the door tickle the skin of your back.

“Testing something.” He replied, his gaze on your lips.

“Testing? What?” you breathed out.

“If you remember how we actually met.” He replied. “And if you want that again.”

You stared at his face, dumbfounded. Of course you wanted it. The throbbing in your core was evidence of the fact that you were completely enamored by the man. You didn’t respond to him, mainly because you didn’t how to articulate everything you were thinking of into words. He was your boss. He was irresistible. He was an asshole. He was a clumsy, secretly sweet brat. All the contradictions had rendered you speechless.

When he didn’t get a reply from you, his gaze softened, as though he was suddenly aware of what he’d said, He let go of you, fidgeting with his fingers in embarrassment. “I…..” he struggled to say, “I was out of line. Sorry.”

You were unable to stop looking at his moving lips, your heart beating out of your chest due to the desire to just kiss him and worry about your job later.

He continued to ramble, “That probably bordered on sexual harassment. Oh my fucking god, I’m so sorry!” He was back to being the real him now, the clumsy idiot who got flustered so easily. “I just..” he sighed, “I just couldn’t stop thinking about that night and you’ve been so kind to me, it just made—“

Without hesitating for another moment, you cut his words off with a chaste kiss on his lips. You looked at his eyes, searching for a reaction and his hands snaked around your waist, pulling you closer as though he had been waiting for you to do that. His mouth crashed onto yours, your back hitting the door behind you as you tangled your arms in his lush locks.

You breathed in when his tone swiped your lower lip and he took the opportunity to push his tongue inside, your own meeting his with a desperation that you didn’t know you possessed. You moaned into the passionate kiss and his hands tightened around you at the sound. He began rubbing them at your sides and you slightly tugged at his hair. You had to pull away for a brief second to regain your breathe before kissing him again.

You were startled when there was a knock at the door, making you both come out of the daze, panting and staring at each other.

“Namjoon?” Jihyo’s voice sounded from outside.

You moved away from the door, nudging him to open the door and answer as you tried to fix yourself up.

He said, “Come in.”

Jihyo entered with a smile, and her bright round eyes moved between the two of you, “I hope I didn’t interrupt anything.” She stated, making your eyes go wide.

“We were just about to leave for the meeting.” He said. You wondered how he suddenly seemed so calm and composed again.

“I came to wish you luck.” She said and patted him on the shoulder, “Good luck!” she said. He thanked her and after throwing a smile in your direction, she left.

You followed Namjoon out in silence. When you were in the elevator, he turned to talk to you and said something but you couldn’t comprehend due to your own anxiety inside the closed box. Seeing your expression, he moved closer, taking your hand in his. As soon as you felt his warmth beside you, you felt a little safer, albeit the panic wouldn’t completely go away. You nodded, assuming that he was asking you if everything was okay.

When the elevator opened, you moved away quickly, scared that someone would see how close you two had been.

“Are you okay?” he asked when you jumped out of the elevator.

“Yes.” You replied, “I just can’t be in elevators.” You explained.

He looked concerned, his eyes soft with worry. “Don’t worry, sir.” You said, “I can handle it.”

“Sir?” he repeated.

You gulped, aware that it probably didn’t settle well with him to have just made out with him and immediately acted like nothing had changed.

You tried to change the subject, “We should get to the meeting now if you don’t want to be late.” You waited for him to walk, but he watched your expression carefully instead. His mouth formed a straight line as he began to make his way towards the board room.

You sat on the sidelines, watching as he gave the presentation to the skeptical board. He didn’t fumble with his words even once. He looked determined, he looked like the front that he liked to put up. The cold, calculating CEO. He made eye contact with you once or twice, lingering for a few seconds too long. But, he didn’t look at you like he did usually. There was something else in his gaze, something that reminded you of your first day at this job.

He looked at you with eyes filled with anger.

When the presentation and the bombardment of questions that followed afterwards was over, the board members left one by one, some of them praising him and some still skeptical. He walked out with Seokjin engaged in a serious conversation that looked too private for you to intrude upon.

You decided to greet your former employer instead—the President of the company and Namjoon’s father.

“Good afternoon, Mr Kim. I hope you’ve been well.” You greeted him with a deep bow.

He smiled and replied, “I have, y/n.” He added after a pause, “How’s my son treating you?”

Your cheeks flushed at his question but you managed to answer, “Great, sir.”

He nodded with a smile and excused himself.

You sat in the conference room, happy to be alone with your thoughts.

What were you going to do about the mess that you had made? The scariest thing was probably the fact that in spite of understanding what the consequences could be if things went sour, you didn’t regret kissing him. You wanted to do it again, and you wanted to do more than just that.

You weren’t left alone for long as Namjoon entered, his eyes meeting yours coldly. He closed the door behind him and you heard the lock click.

“You were perfect today!” you exclaimed, standing up.

He rushed towards you, not waiting for you to say anything as he kissed you again. His hands were around you in not time and his mouth moved hurriedly against yours. You froze for a second before reciprocating. Your hands were on his biceps, letting go of all inhibitions and meeting his tongue with your own.

He pulled away from you and said, “Don’t ever do that again. Don’t pretend like this didn’t happen.”

You nodded before pulling him in for another rushed kiss. You could feel his hardness pressing into your crotch, and you rubbed your hips against him, making him moan at the friction. His hands caressed your clothed breasts, and you could feel how wet you were under your skirt.

His hands began to travel down, and you whimpered when his cold hands made contact with your thigh. His fingers moved under your skirt, rubbing your clothed core. He could probably feel how wet you were and he wasted no time in moving the material of your underwear aside and rubbing your clit, then spreading your arousal over you in a gentle motion.

He looked at you briefly before asking, “Do you want this?”

You nodded profusely, “More than anything else.”

He inserted a finger inside your slit, making you gasp. He added another finger and moved them slowly. Your hips began to move upwards to meet his fingers with a new kind of desperation for more. He increased his speed, kissing down your jaw simultaneously. You could feel the familiar heat in your abdomen and you were embarrassed at how quickly he was able to bring you to your breaking point.

He seemed to notice it too, curling his fingers to meet your g-spot with every push of his finger, he whispered to you, “You’re so beautiful.”

His words only furthered the arrival of your high and you felt your legs trembling as you held onto his shoulders for support. The waves of pleasure hit you, leaving you moaning and closing your eyes as your head tilted backwards. You felt your arousal dripping down your thigh as you rode out your high with his fingers still inside of you.

When you came down from your orgasm, he pulled his digits out, making you gasp at the feeling. You were a panting, exhausted mess still glowing from the post-orgasmic high and he kissed your lips gently. You stared at him when he pulled away, wondering how you were unable to control yourself around him.

He said, “We should have done this sooner.”

A fear gripped you when he uttered those words. You were overthinking everything, starting from where this out your position as his assistant at to wondering if he genuinely liked you or was referring to fucking a dispensable employee.

You moved away from him, the what-ifs taking over, “We shouldn’t have done this.” You stated, fixing your skirt.

There was flash of hurt in his features. “Why not?” he asked, cleaning your arousal off his fingers with a tissue.

“I’m not the kind of person who just sleeps around. I know that’s probably what you think because of that one night stand, but you should know that I take this job seriously and I don’t want to just another assistant that some rich ceo can sleep with and then fire when he’s done with her.” You paused your rant when he moved closer to you, close enough that you could feel the warmth of his body again.

“Do I really seem like that kind of person to you?” He sounded stern again, you could feel the anger radiating off of him.

“I just—“ you started.

He cut you off by saying, “If that’s what you think, then okay. Let’s just fucking forget everything. You can go back to being the perfect assistant and I’ll be your rich, snobby, fuckboy of a boss.” He began storming out and didn’t stop when you tried to stop him.

“No, Mr. Kim, that’s not what I meant!” you said, your voice louder than before.

He ignored your distress and said in a bland tone. “There’s a fundraiser at Seokjin’s house tonight. He invited me to it a few minutes back.”

You tried again to talk to him, “But, sir-“

He didn’t care about what you were going to say, “He asked me to bring you along with me. But, since it’s such short notice, you can decline if you want to.”

You sighed, knowing that the stubborn man wouldn’t let you have your way.

“I can come, sir. No problem,” you said, hoping to talk to him during the event.

He gave the briefest of nods, walking away.

You followed him out, but he was making a deliberate effort to walk away from you and as his pace increased, you were unable to follow his long legs with your high heels. You shook your head, deciding to make him have a proper conversation with you later that night.

You met Jihyo near the elevator and he stopped you, asking you how the presentation was.

You made every effort to smile at her and said, “It went well.”

“What happened to you?” she looked at Namjoon’s receding figure pointedly. “Did you fight with him?”

“No, of course not.”

“Well, he looks mad” she said.

You tried to shrug it off with a joke, “Doesn’t he always?”

“Never around you.” She replied, making you stare at her with wide eyes.

She laughed briefly and moved closer to whisper into your ear, “Might have something to do with the fact that he likes you.”

You felt like a deer caught in headlights and stuttered, ‘W-what you talking about?”

“Or maybe because you slept together?” she asked, making you inhale sharply.

“W-we didn’t…” you trailed off, realizing that she probably knew everything, and there was no use lying to her.

She sensed your panic and said, “It’s okay, y/n.”

You ran your fingers through your hair, frustrated.

“Just be careful.” She said and you looked at her with confusion etched on your face. She explained, “Let’s just say that you really shouldn’t want to deal with his family.”

[kusunogatari-a]

[ SasuHinaMonth Day Eight: Twins ] [ @sasuhinamonth ] [ Uchiha Sasuke, Hyūga Hinata ] [ SasuHina, pregnancy mention ] [ Verse: A Light Amongst Shadows ]

He honestly never thought he’d make it this far.

As a child, he’d declared his intentions to restore his clan. Of course, back then, he’d not been fully aware of how precisely to go about it. At twelve he knew the basics of family-making. The A to B of it. But he’d had no plan - no one who meant enough to him to consider making his - eugh - wife. He’d simply assumed that, when the time came, something would work out.

Then everything began to go awry.

Sasuke’s detour into Orochimaru’s tutelage hadn’t been expected. Nearly three years of his life spent after abandoning Konoha alone, save for the other underlings the serpent sannin had acquired.  And when he was no longer useful, Orochimaru was tossed aside, and new sources of power taken up. Hebi - later Taka - was...a difficult thing to put into words. They weren’t his team from Konoha. Nor did he really want them to be. He had a mission, and they were to be tools to accomplish it. Yet despite his best intentions, they still grew to be a cohesive squad...and though he would never admit to it, they grew to mean something to him. But nothing like what he needed for a clan. Karin and her infatuation were...off-putting. He could never picture them as a couple, so he disregarded her.

Reuniting with Sakura after the war was...awkward. It was clear she viewed him in a different light. Not that he could blame her after everything he did. She tread on eggshells despite insisting she was still in love with him. The whole thing seemed far too contradictory, so she too was scratched off his imaginary list.

...though at that point, he really wasn’t sure why he had one anymore. He felt...different. Everything he’d gone through - everything he’d done - made him question if such a normal life would ever be possible. He’d done terrible things in the name of what he thought was right...when in the end, he was largely wrong.

True, the shinobi world had much to atone for - much to change. But he’d gone about it all wrong.

For a time, he’d buried himself in missions, thinking that the high-ranking assignments would help him feel...useful. Like he was making up for his mistakes and helping create the better world he wanted for his - for...future generations. But even that seemed empty.

So instead, he rebuilt the police force. Rebranded it, and called upon his Hyūga allies. Together, the wielders of the village’s most powerful eyes kept watch from within, while his brother and the ANBU did so beyond the walls. He began to reconnect with people again. They grew familiar to him, and he in turn to them. Trust slowly built between the remnants of the Uchiha, and the people of Konoha.

And one person he found himself unable to avoid was Hinata.

No longer heiress, she instead focused on her shinobi career. A jōnin not long after the war’s end, her own tasks grew higher in rank. But with her clan becoming a significant part of the village’s safety, she eventually decided to give it a try.

As chief, it was his task to initiate her. And she did well - far better, admittedly, than he expected. So she too joined the ranks of the force’s officers. Curious, though he would never admit it, he took a few tasks alongside her, just to see how she would do.

Her compassion yet sturdy morals made for a perfect policewoman. Understanding to those who needed help, and unforgiving to those suspected of wrongdoing. The line she drew between the two was well kept.

It impressed him.

But more so was her ability to see him just...as a person. No one special. She treated him with respect for his rank, but nothing else. There were no sidelong glances, as though wondering if he were going to suddenly snap. Though not intimately trusting off the bat, she grew to work with him well, and soon the pair could read one another’s movements and react fluidly, like extensions of the other.

It was that, more than anything, that caught his attention.

He asked to spend some time with her outside a shift. She agreed. It’d been a quiet afternoon, but still speckled with conversation. They quickly discovered parallels in their pasts and paths. Sasuke found himself eager to know more, and she seemed just as curious.

Neither could say exactly when it happened, but it wasn’t long before friendship bloomed into something...different.

And it was then Sasuke knew that - maybe, just maybe - he’d changed enough to give the future he’d imagined as a child another chance.

To everyone’s surprise, their courtship was rather short. They’d grown so accustomed to one another, it seemed pointless to wait. So a mere four years after the war, and less than two since becoming comrades under the police force banner, Uchiha Sasuke married Hyūga Hinata.

And it was only a few months after that, they discovered she was with child.

It had seemed almost...surreal. A child’s naive dreaming over a decade ago was becoming a reality. The clan was growing again. Scarcely able to believe it, he was hit with even more surprising news at a later checkup.

They were having twins.

Agreeing to let the sexes be a surprise, both seemed almost unbelieving. True, her father had been a twin, but Hinata hadn’t expected to have them herself. It would be the second pair in her husband’s clan now.

And it’s now that Sasuke holds his wife’s hand, taking every bone-breaking grip as she works to bring them at last to the world beyond her womb.

The white-haired medic wastes no time or effort, helping speed along the process until two wailing voices filled the birthing suite.

One boy, and one girl. Both with feathery wisps of dark hair...and mismatched eyes, mirrored gazes.

Unprepared for names, the pair decide to wait and think. Once the babes are cleaned and returned to their mother, Sasuke stares with an intense, one-eyed gaze as his hitai-ate covers the Rinnegan. He hadn’t even taken time to change from his gear upon hearing Hinata had been admitted.

“...which do you want to hold first?”

Flickering between them, he wordlessly takes up the boy. A dark eye sits in the left socket, and a pale in the right: opposite his sister. He’d wondered how the bloodlines would interact, but...he’d never expected this.

Letting her daughter nurse, Hinata watches him with a soft, warm smile. Sweat-soaked bangs cling to her brow, dark circles beneath her eyes. As soon as the pair have had their fill, it’s clear she’ll need her rest. “...what are you thinking, Sasuke…?”

His head slowly shakes. “...I can’t...begin to tell you.”

“...are you happy?”

“...more than I could ever say.” Looking up, his expression is so unguarded, he almost looks as childlike as he did when still a genin, eyes alight with both wonder...and perhaps a bit of fear. “...it hasn’t really...sunk in yet. But…” He looks back to his son. “...it’s like...the empty spaces in my chest are...full again.”

His wife softens. “...I’m glad.”

“...thank you...Hinata…”

     Word count: 1205      Cumulative: 9561      Goodness, I had a full day irl, but still managed to get this done xD It’s just about midnight, but it still counts as being on time, right?      I’ve actually never made next-gen SasuHina kids, so...honestly these are very spur-of-the-moment. Also hence no names because it’s late and I’d want them to be more thoughtful than tonight will allow, lol      Anyway, not much else to say, I suppose! I’d better skip off to bed soon, but I hope y’all enjoy this latest entry for the ship month. We’ll be back at it tomorrow, time allowing! <3

[genderconstructwww]

CommonPlace Book Reflection

After a close examination of everything we covered over the semester, one of the main topics that stood out to me is gender as a social construction. If I’m being honest, I was not clear on what social construction entails or how it influences gender at the beginning of the course. However, after the second week, I gained new insight on the topic with the help of the lecture notes I took and the annotations we were required to complete. According to the lecture slide definition, social construction is the belief that identity is not inherent within an individual group or thing but instead largely a creation of cultural, political, and historical forces. It sounds terrible, but it wasn’t until I took this class that I sat down and thought about how poorly those outer forces could influence identity and gender and how it impacts certain groups of people. I noticed several subcategories that all tie into one singular idea of gender as a social construction; gender roles, stereotypes, norms, socialization, and the concept of essentialism. Again, before completing this course, I did not have a full understanding of the word essentialism. This is the belief that things have a set of characteristics that make them what they are; in regards to gender, it means that they believe men and women are designed to have specific dispositions BECAUSE they belong to that category of people. Essentialists see biological sex as determining gender, but studies prove otherwise and show that biological makeup DOES NOT determine gender. My collection of Tumblr posts highlights gender as a social construction along with essentialism and how the two ideas tie together.

Firstly, I feel the need to explain that sex and gender ARE NOT THE SAME THINGS. This is a concept that I did not understand until I was in high school, and someone explained it to me. The two words often get intertwined, and not everyone realizes what they are talking about when using those two words. Sex is the biological makeup of a person, so it references one’s genitals. Someone is born with specific sexual chromosomes that provide them with either one of the sex organs, determining what sex you are assigned at birth. Gender, however, is the behavior and characteristics of each sex, and it is set socially and culturally, according to the lecture notes. For example, someone may be born a male but later identify as a transgender female after transitioning; although their sex assigned at birth is male, their gender identity is female. This is a big concept that many people do not understand or unfortunately refuse to understand. Still, it’s good that classes like this are explaining this to students so more younger people can grasp gender and sex differences. I included a post on my blog about the importance of knowing the difference and how it relates to our present world’s medicinal practices, according to Stanford University. 

The second post on my blog is about one of the fictional books we read and discussed this summer, titled Three Daughters of Eve by Elif Shafak. I’m not going to dive into the details about how the story went because we all read the book; however, I am going to address Peri, the main character, and how social construction and essentialism impact her as she grows up and transitions to her life as a student at Oxford University. I reposted something from another student, which is a drawing of a woman holding her own face and staring at it. I like what the student wrote because they said she is a people pleaser, and many times she puts on a mask and does what she needs to do. This is an accurate way to describe Peri because she is always doing what everyone tells her and being the person THEY want her to be, not who she wants to be herself. She even says it herself on page 72, when she writes she “understood and accepted that some daughters were born with a mission; to fulfill their fathers’ dreams” (Shafak 72). I see how social constructionism is present in her life because the Muslim beliefs her parents follow and want HER to follow tells her she needs to act one way, go to college, find a man to show off, etc. Society is constructing how they want Peri to grow up, but she faces issues with binary thinking because she doesn’t know who she wants to be or what side she wants to live on; she claims she wishes there was a third path for people like her. She’s stuck between living the way she wants to live with the people she wants to live with or following her parent’s and society’s wishes and be a good Muslim woman like she is “supposed” to. 

As I reference essentialism, I added another post to my blog to further explain my introduction to the topic. It includes a graphic of a person surrounded by quotes like, “You are so well spoken for a….” and “Yeah, but you are born with a tolerance for…!” Although I explained it in my post, specific groups of people get these essentialistic questions all the time. Some live their life believing these stereotypes and thinking people have to look or feel one way. For example, in this class, we spoke about how most people in history thought women HAD to reproduce to continue the family line and teach their daughters womanly duties in the household. At the same time, their sons go out into the field and work. This idea followed humanity through the years, and unfortunately, many people today still expect that’s what women are going to do and the path they need to follow. Even in my life experiences, I’ve had people say things to me like, “You won’t be good at that because you’re a girl” and “Shouldn’t you be making us sandwiches?” or however it was phrased. People have been trained to think this set thing about what women can do and what men can do, and it’s moved through history and is still impacting us in present times. After this post, I included an article about why we stereotype and how to combat essentialist views.

Straying away from essentialism and getting back into social constructionism, I learned a lot about what this means from the annotations we did throughout the course. In The Treatment of Bibi Haldar by Lahiri, Bibi is considered “sick” and cannot fulfill the duties she is expected to fill as a woman. Bibi is acting like the only way she can be cured is by getting married. She's been conditioned to believe that all she has to do is find a man and her life would be set, and she is stuck thinking that she is suffering from this terrible "ailment" and is incurable. Throughout the story, Bibi is treated like an animal, and she is generally frowned upon, and in the end, she is even mistreated and raped. Stories like this show the unjust culture towards women and how men are worshipped over them and viewed as superior. Gender is seen as a social construction in this story because gender stereotypes say women are lost and useless unless she has a man by her side, just like Bibi. She was conditioned to think that that was the only way she was going to succeed in life. I thought this story was so sad and unfair, and this is only one of the many we read this semester where the female gender was stepped on and insulted. In another article we read by Kavita Ramdas titled Radical Women Embracing Tradition, she speaks about what happens when an Indian woman becomes widowed. This is a perfect example of how terribly men in some cultures impact women’s lives. The husband dies, the woman becomes a widow, and is automatically stripped of her beautiful cultural expression because of "tradition." This is all because she is no longer married; it almost seems like the tradition was formed because people believe women don't deserve their sari and bindi anymore once they aren't with a man. And on top of that, it doesn't matter who cares about it, because not even the men can save them in these horrible situations. Along with this, daughters of a very young age see these things happening and have to accept it and realize that one day that's where they will be because those are the terrible "rules about what it means to be female in this world." This is just another sad example of gender as a social construction because gender norms say that this is what has to be done. People believe that women need to have a man, and if they don’t, they are treated terribly because of the political and historical forces our society is built upon.

However, there are examples of light in this subject. I provided an example of combating stereotypes through my post about NYC police officer Aml Elsokary. She fought Muslim stereotypes by becoming a police officer and wearing her hijab prior to the 9/11 attacks when many people viewed innocent Muslim people as terrorists. In speaking about Islamic women and the veil, many non-Muslim feminists view this item of clothing as an oppressive act and epitomize Islam to be sexist. However, this is not an accurate depiction. The veil should be seen as a symbol of identity and modesty, etc. It's not correct in being a symbol of oppression contrary to popular belief across many cultures. People like Elsokary refute these ideas and risk their lives to be something others don’t think they can be. Another example of this is my 6th blog post with an article about gender norms and women’s political participation. It shows how more powerful women are stepping up into the political field and how more of them are gaining higher positions of power despite being female, which has been an issue in the past. Following this post, I included a chart about the number of women CEOs in the Fortune 500. In 2021, there are now 37 women CEOs, and in my Tumblr post, I speak about how this is inspiring and helpful for our future of equality because these women are changing the world slowly but surely. A perfect example of this inflation is another student’s post that I added to the blog. She explained that her mom worked right after she turned two months old, and in the beginning, she was one of few women in the industry; now, she is surrounded by many other successful women in the field. In terms of gender as a social construction, these examples all defy gender roles and stereotypes about what women can and can’t do. With all of the poor treatment of women due to society’s ideas, many women go over the top to combat these issues to prove women are more than equal to men.

Although there are efforts of change like this, the main thing I got out of this class is that, although we’re closer, we are still not quite at full equality of men and women. Women need to work harder to get in the same spot, explained in my second to last blog post. Because gender is a social construction, it’s difficult for women to overpower “superior” men and gain the power and authority that men have since that is unheard of in history. But, in the future, I hope none of it will matter! I don’t want to hear more stories about women being killed and raped because they are women or denied jobs because they are female. I want to hear about more women CEOs, more women cops, more powerful women contributing to our society as influential individuals who don’t let social constructionism stop them. Gender norms and stereotypes will be abolished in the future because I can see humanity getting better and better through everything we read this semester. I want to thank Dr. Richard for teaching this course this summer because I learned things about women that I did not know before and heard stories that really made me sit back and think about what it means to be a woman. Thank you.

[keiynantrieshisbest-blog]

My First Post

The reason I created this little ole blog is because, after having a mental breakdown at a deserted bus stop, minutes after watching Love, Simon for the second time (which by the way, wonderful movie, please go support it in theaters), is because my gender is something I’ve been questioning for much of my life and seems to be all that’s on my mind lately. So let’s start with yesterday’s breakdown. Actually let’s go back to Friday when I watched Love, Simon for the first time. I’d gone with a couple friends, and I had been anticipating this movie for a very long time. Ordered the book, read the book and re-read the book all in anticipation. The movie was wonderful, everything I’d hoped for and so much more, completely exceeded my expectations. I cried. A LOT. By the end (won’t spoil it in case you haven’t seen the movie yet which why are you still reading this go watch the freaking movie it’s amazing) I was a mess, actually sobbing out loud, a mix between a laugh and a sob ripping itself from my chest over and over as my fellow movie goers clapped loudly and cheered (it was opening night after all so you get the most enthusiastic folks). Finally (Or rather unfortunately, because I wanted the movie and that moment to last forever) the credits rolled and the lights came on. I was a complete mess in every sense of the word, my best friend seemed a little shocked saying how I had actually been sobbing in the seat next to her. After the last names had passed and the screen had gone fully and truly dark (I had insisted on staying for the credits because 1. I wanted the moment to last as long as possible and 2. I try to always stay for credits out of respect for the people who spent so long making the movie) we left and got a lyft back to our dorms (I’m a freshman in college). The whole ride back I was riding a high from the movie, basking in that feeling and going over each moment in my head. As I was sitting there though I started to get an un-easy feeling as I wondered, “why, exactly, did this movie about two boys falling in love mean so much to me?” I kind of shrugged it off but I felt this sort of frenzied anxiety in the pit of my stomach the rest of the night. My best friend and I walked back to our building after saying goodbye to the other friends who’d gone with us. We went up to one of our guy friends’ rooms to chill with some of our other friends. I was telling him about how the movie was and how much I’d loved it. I told him that I didn’t think I’d ever see a better movie, that I’d peaked. He said of course not, that someday I’d watch a movie called Love, Jenny or something about two girls falling in love and that I’d love that movie even more (this may be a good time, if you haven’t already figured, to tell you that I was assigned female at birth and that my college friends know me as a bi, cis girl). I knew as soon as he said it that he was wrong, I wouldn’t love that movie more. Because for some unexplainable reason, despite being a bi “girl” I don’t relate to lesbians or stories about lesbians. I always was interested in stories about gay men and sought out those stories, got excited and animated about those stories, those people or characters. Take my book collection for example. I love to collect books and so far I have two queer romance stories (which is very sad, not a ton of gay fiction out there, either that or I’m terrible at finding it). Both these books are gay love stories about boys. And for the same reason I only own books about gay BOYS falling in love, is the same reason I was indescribably excited for Love, Simon not just because it’s the first real love story about gay youth I’ve ever seen but because it was a love story about two BOYS. Because it literally felt like the story was made for me in mind, that’s how much I related to Simon. Only I’m not Simon, I’m biologically female. Only I think I want to be like Simon. I’ve had this unexplainable longing to be a boy for probably as long as I can remember. Only I never once considered I might be trans until recently because my gender expression has always seemed to align fine with female. I’ve experience dysphoria before, but never to the extent described online. Don’t get me wrong, when I do get it it is all consuming and horrifically painful. But I never experienced it like this constant thing, dictating everything I did. I can remember one night in particular where I so badly felt that my genitals were wrong, that I was meant to have a penis and if I didn’t find a way to get one it might kill me. It was kind of like having a phantom limb, something that i just felt so badly was supposed to be there, and the thought that I never would have that tore me up. But that was one night and I don’t get these all encompassing thoughts on the regular. Another example would be how I once had a dream I had a penis, it was a pretty awesome dream and when I woke up and was faced with the entirely too real fact that I did not in fact have a penis and it’d only been a dream. I was upset by this. But again this happened once and it’s not something I experience regularly. I guess I felt (feel) as though since I’m not crippled day to day with horrible dysphoria, I couldn’t possibly be trans. Growing up I liked dresses and barbies and pink and anything girly. I had been the perfect little girl, not a sign of anything out of the ordinary. I never insisted I wasn’t a girl, I never refused to wear feminine clothing or participate in feminine activities. I had a favorite skirt that was layers of ruffled pink fabric with hearts covering every inch, i wore it often. I think it was maybe that I did enjoy these feminine things, have always enjoyed feminine things, and that maybe I didn’t see the issue of being stuck in the wrong gender because, as far as I was concerned, I was getting to play with the toys I wanted and dress how I wanted. I don’t think I understood what gender was, or at least I wasn’t confronted with it. Not until I grew older. Once puberty started to affect my body, that’s when I think I started to realize something was wrong. I remember how one of my sister’s friends pointed out my leg hair and told me I need to shave my legs. Because that was normal of girls. Until she pointed that out I hadn’t been concerned with my leg hair in the least. I just remember feeling a really deep sense of shame when she pointed that out and it wasn’t long after that, that I asked my mom to help me shave my legs for the first time. I began to shave quite religiously after that. There’s another instance I remember quite clearly in my mind that probably happened around the same time. I was with a friend in the cafeteria getting ice cream. She had commented that you could see my breasts through my shirt (my breasts had started to bud and were now noticeable through my shirt). Once again I was filled with a deep sense of shame and embarrassment. It seems that my gender wasn’t really something that concerned me until people started to point out that I wasn’t meeting the standards of “my” gender. I hit middle school, which yikes for anybody am I right? I started to gain weight, a lot of weight. Probably a way to cope. I started wearing big loose t-shirts and shorts constantly and I always wore my hair up in a bun. I felt perpetually uncomfortable like nothing about me was right and everything felt wrong. Looking back I think maybe I thought it was just the weight making me uncomfortable (not easy being overweight ever, especially in middle school) but now I think it was a lot more than that, that maybe I was dealing with some heavy dysphoria at the fact that my body was changing and not in the way I wanted it to. So I think I always knew something was up. Freshman year of high school I moved to a new country and I met a boy I very much liked. I decided I was gonna do whatever I could to make this boy like me. I started losing weight and wearing make up and doing all in my power to be this perfect girl. This is also when I started to become confronted with the fact that I was bi and liked girls. I was homophobic from the environment I’d grownup in and had a lot of internalized homophobia. I remember my best friend at the time talking about same sex couples. I’d declared that it was a sin and that I didn’t care what other people did but that I still thought it was wrong. She’d said she didn’t agree, that she thought love was love and people should marry whoever they loved. She sort of started me on the path of accepting myself. I started to explore my sexuality. My sister introduced me to tumblr and I made a blog, making lots of cringey posts about the animes I watched and the straight couple I hardcore shipped. Then I found the gay side of tumblr, endless fanart and fanfic about gay couples from shows I watched. I didn’t have the words or capability to understand why I felt so connected to these characters or why I felt so much reading these stories and looking at this art. For some reason I became all consumed with gay BOYS. I wondered if I was a pervert, someone who fetishized gay boys like I’d seen in so many posts. It became a point of discomfort I ignored rather than confront and continued to consume as much gay media and content about gay BOYS as possible, happily ignoring the nagging in the back of my head of why that might be. As I grew into a high schooler and moved again and started a new school, I’d finally seemed to come to terms with my sexuality. Or at least I knew I was bi, had even whispered it to myself alone in the dark bedroom that was supposed to be mine but I didn’t feel comfortable in yet. Now that the sexuality question was out of the way, my brain decided to tackle the next topic: my gender. I came across a post by someone I followed describing how they were genderfluid. I’d never heard the term before and as they described how they’d always felt like a boy in high school, about having this desperate want to be a boy, I thought oh! That’s just like me. Genderfluid became a term I would use to describe myself for the rest of high school and now into college. I decided that I liked being a girl, didn’t want to give that part of myself up. I decided I sometimes felt like a girl (because i enjoyed feminine things and connected with my feminine side), sometimes I felt like neither (coming from my desire for gender to not just exist at all “it’s just so stupid and meaningless” I often thought, “gender doesn’t even really exist so why should be care about it at all”) and sometimes feeling like a boy. I still have my doubts as I write what seems to be a coming out post to myself. And i guess to whoever’s reading this if anyone’s reading it. Doubts that maybe I am genderfluid because I can be content as a girl at times, have lived content as a girl. But see the thing is genderfluid felt like the bandaid I used to cover up my gender crisis. It kept everything from spilling out and for awhile I was satisfied with the label, really believed it. I’m currently in my second semester of my first year of college and lately I’ve been extremely anxious and unmotivated. And lately genderlfuid has felt wrong. So wrong. As I was explaining to my wonderful friends I met on this site so long ago who helped me come out to my sister as both bi and genderfluid, I didn’t feel like genderlfuid was right. Have really been feeling for awhile now that it isn’t right, that I never connected to it the way I was supposed to. It seemed that a label was supposed to click and just feel so perfectly right and genderfluid just didn’t. So I after watching Love, Simon the first time and having all these sorts of thoughts swirl through my head I decided to text one of these online friends whos boyfriend is a transguy. I asked her, “can I ask how [her boyfriend] knew he was trans?” She was wonderful and said of course and sent me his snapchat. He was at work though so I didn’t end up getting to talk to him. I think some part of me started to panic though because I was seriously starting to ask myself this because of how I’d felt on the ride home the night before. I ignored it and instead went and bought bus tokens and rode alone to the movie theater to watch Love, Simon again. Did i mention I was by myself?! A huge deal because I have really bad anxiety and never do anything alone like that. So I go and I sit smack dab in the middle of the theater in the perfect seat and can’t even bring myself to be ashamed of how shamelessly I took the middle seat when I’m all alone because I’m just bursting with excitement. And it was almost as wonderful as watching it the first time or at least it would have been if I hadn’t felt that same frenzied anxiety deep in the pit of my stomach. It was really strange and I couldn’t figure out why I was feeling this way. I still loved the movie and I cried quite a lot again. Particularly in all the parts with Simon and his family. I left the theater feeling a bit weird but happy because I love the movie. I rushed over to the bus stop because I mixed up the times and thought this other bus was the one I needed. I realized it wasn’t and that I was gonna have to wait a long time out in the cold. I was feeling kind of emotional from the movie so I pulled out my phone and started to record myself talking to kill the time. “Sometimes I wish I could live in a moment. A perfectly suspended moment. Where nothing is wrong and everything goes perfect. Everything is so dissatisfying that I wonder if I’ll ever find anything that feels remotely like it’s supposed to and I don’t know that I will.” Then I moved on starting to imagine how I’d come out to my other sister who I’ve yet to come out to. I won’t include that because it’s very personal but I started to get teary. I shut my phone off and went back to waiting for the bus. But suddenly I burst into tears. For no apparent reason and I couldn’t stop crying. I started to think some bad thoughts about killing myself, that nothing was worth it and I should just stop. My counselor and I had made a list of people I could call if I was thinking suicidal thoughts again. So i pulled my phone out and called my sister (the one I’m out to) because she’s on the top of my list. She picked up right away and I was still full on sobbing, tears running down my face and she could hear it immediately. I said I couldn’t stop crying and I didn’t know why. She thought something had happened I said nothing had happened, I just burst into tears and I couldn’t stop. We talked for a bit, I say talked but I mostly stuttered out words between sobs without making any sense to her or myself. I said I didn’t know why I was crying. I finally said i had to hang up so I could calm down before my bus got here because talking to her was only making me cry harder. Only even after hanging up and promising I was okay and I’d text her when I got back I still couldn’t stop sobbing. I told myself to stop, you’re fine you have to stop. I pulled it together long enough to climb on the bus and hopefully the driver didn’t notice I’d been crying, luckily no one was on the bus. I spent the thirty minute bus ride back to my dorm desperately trying to hold back tears and staring at myself at my reflection in the window across from me. My head was swirling with thoughts and I was so disoriented by it all I couldn’t figure out why I had seemed to just have a breakdown. I arrived back at my building and when I walked inside I was bombarded with my friends who were sitting in the lobby. They were all so cheerful saying hey! Where’ve you been. One of my friends coming up to give me a side hug and stand next to me. I could barely keep a smile on my face, I felt on the verge of crying again. I barely said anything and did my best to slip away heading for the elevators. My best friend (who’s also my roommate) jumped up from her seat and said she was going to come up with me. We rode the elevator to our room and she talked excitedly the whole way there, I did my best to respond but I felt so completely out of it. She ran off to the bathroom and I sat numbly at my desk, plugging my phone in as it was about to die and feeling tears well up in my eyes again. I wanted to call my sister but two of our other roommates were there and I knew I’d burst into tears the second I heard her voice. My best friend returned and she asked me if I was going to come down. I said I needed to call my sister and my voice was shaking in that crying way. She asked if I was okay. I said nothing happened but I needed to call my sister. She tired to come up with where I could go. I asked if she thought our friend who lives in a single would lend me his room. She asked him for me and guided me out of our room and to the elevators. He was already in there, he gave me a hug and we rode up to his floor. He handed me the keys to his room and they said to text them if I needed anything. Then they went back downstairs. My friends are good like that. I went to his room, he had on his purple light so the room was dark except for that. I plugged in my phone and climbed on his bed. I called my sister. We talked for awhile and I started crying again. We discussed why I might’ve cried. She said it’s an emotional movie for me so I was probably just feeling a lot of things from it. And that was definitely part of it but it was also more than that, and I knew that it was more than that. I told her in tears that I just wanted to be out. I said I didn’t know who I was. She didn’t understand, I didn’t understand. After I’d calmed down a bit I said I should go because I didn’t know what else to say. After we hung up I cried again. I cried and I cried and I cried. I listened to the Love, Simon soundtrack and I sat in the dark and cried for a very long time. I still feel a bit confused about it all but I think part of me realized I was realizing that I’m not genderfluid, that I might be trans. And that was a lot, and with that revelation the bandaid cracked and everything I’ve been feeling just kind of came pouring out. I think I knew that I didn’t just relate to Simon because he’s queer but because he’s a boy. And that freaked me out and it scared me. And my mind didn’t know what to do with that information. I spent the whole day today watching videos about trans guys and researching as much information as possible. And I made this blog, for some reason. I guess it’s a way to explore my identity and figure out if I really am trans. So if you got this far, thanks for listening. And talk to you soon.

Love, Keiynan

[thedeadflag]

What are abo fics...?

A/B/O stands for Alpha/Beta/Omega, or Omegaverse for short. It’s a fandom trope created by mashing a whole bunch of smaller tropes together into a big one, built around the famously misunderstood notion that real life wolves operate within a power hierarchy, with the hypermasculine alphas dominating, betas filling the ranks, and the feminine omegas being the submissive breeders. It was created for m/m slash fics in fandoms like Supernatural (and later Teen Wolf), but it’s been carried over to het and f/f fandoms as well.

It implements a lot of rape-fic and bestiality elements, on top of egregiously intense power dynamics along the line of those found in 50SoG (so…not a good handle of power dynamics, essentially) that are essentialized (people are born into them, they can’t escape these inherent dominance/submission dynamics, you’re born dominant or born to submit, and you will always eventually give in to your biological imperative to fulfill your role). And femslash a/b/o is built ona  foundation of transmisogyny, cissexism, compulsory heterosexuality, heteronormativity, sexist gender roles, misogyny,toxic masculinity, and all sorts of other wonderful (read: terrible) influences.

There are the Alphas, who always have penises (cis perisex men and g!p women), though sometimes in the female alpha’s sake, they might have a ‘were-penis’ that emerges when aroused, or during a set time of year like rutting season (when they are, or nearly are incapable of controlling their biological urge to fuck someone relentlessly). who are capital D dominant, who exude a scent that helps tell Omegas how powerful the Alpha is. They also tend to roar, and be violent, aggressive, and usually embody a lot of toxic masculinity. Essentially, they lead, and others submit to them out of nature due to their innate power.

There are Betas, which basically tend to be average everyday people, who might sometimes have better senses. They’re usually unaffected by Omegas, but will cow to Alphas.

There are Omegas, who are cis perisex females, or b!p men. They give birth, and give off scents of their own to signal their heats, which is a period when they are overcome by their desire to be fucked by a powerful alpha, and usually can’t help but submit to the biological urges/their nature. Omegas are nearly all submissive, or if they appear not to be, they nearly always end up giving in to their ‘nature’ and submitting later in a fic to the prime Alpha, becoming what was expected of them, even if just for their significant other/mate. They are generally considered (especially in m/m works) the most inferior of the three classes of people. They are the lowest rung in regards to respect. Originally, at the start of the a/b/o trope, they were also called “bitch males”/”bitch females”

I’ll copy-paste the rundown/criticism @hobbitkaiju gave on A/B/O because it’s much more detailed (user changed names, so I’m not sure how to link to the full actual bit, so I’ll just copy from the word file I ripped the original to way back as reference)

I. TRANS PEOPLE EXIST, REALLY WE DO

I’ve never once seen any A/B/O fic that acknowledges the existence of trans people. Mind you, there’s very little fanfic that acknowledges the existence of trans people anyway, much less does it in a positive and affirming way, so maybe this is just a coincidence. But at least when authors are writing about a gendered/sexual universe that’s like our current one, I can believe that trans people do exist somewhere, even if they’re not characters in that particular story. In A/B/O? Not so much. So it’s like cis authors have gone to the trouble of creating an entire other universe where people like me don’t (and couldn’t) exist. Wow.

A/B/O as a trope is often about the authors asking certain questions and then answering them via fic. Those questions are often as follows: “What if some men could get pregnant? What if some women had cocks and/or a desire to penetrate others?”

Well guess what, cis authors. Some men already can get pregnant, some women do have genitals many people would label ‘cocks’, and some women do want to penetrate others. (Those two groups of women aren’t necessarily the same people, btw.) You didn’t have to invent a fantasy universe where cis men and women could do what trans bodies are already capable of.

But in A/B/O-verse, the bodies are nothing like trans bodies. Nothing at all. So it’s this weird alternate universe in which cis people are using the idea of trans bodies but making them ‘more attractive’ and thus more erotically acceptable to a cis audience.

Wow.

II. TRANSMISOGYNY IS A THING

Let’s take the idea of “female alphas” as an example. In A/B/O-verse, “female alphas” are people who were assigned female at birth, who have curvy bodies and breasts, and who also have ‘functional’ cocks and testes. They can get and sustain erections, ejaculate sperm, and impregnate their partners, and often they want to do all those things.

So basically, “female alphas” are everything that cis people want from the gross fetish porn they make of trans women, but minus everything that cis people don’t like or feel uncomfortable with about trans women. “Female alphas” are “women born women,” having somehow been identified as female from birth despite their penises and testes. “Female alphas” don’t have broad shoulders, defined muscles, facial hair, Adam’s apples, or any of the other physical characteristics for which cis people stigmatize trans women. They never need implants or other surgeries to look that way, so they’re “all natural”–unlike trans women, who are stigmatized for being “unnatural”.

So basically A/B/O involves taking the characteristic cis people find so erotically fascinating/disgusting about trans women and to which trans women are so often reduced–their genitals–and putting them on a cis woman to make them more acceptable. Wow.

And yet I’m somehow supposed to believe that it’s just a coincidence that A/B/O smut perfectly mimics mainstream trans porn, in which real trans women are so often portrayed in ways that don’t reflect the actual behaviors of trans women IRL.

III. BIOLOGICAL BULLSHITTERY (THAT’S ACTUALLY MISOGYNY)

I know it’s always perilous to look too closely at the logic of any particular fandom trope. Many tropes are just meant to be a silly shared joke, and that’s great. It’s a community game we all play together, a shared culture of ideas and happily accepted trends. “Sure, these two characters have to get married as part of a secret mission! Sure, they’ll fall in love by accident! This is totally reasonable!” And that’s fine. It’s sweet, it’s lovely, because it harms no one and is just in good fun.

A/B/O, not so much. It’s a silly trope, yes, based on a completely unfounded notion about how wolf packs function. (I’m not even going to address how ridiculously inaccurate A/B/O is even in referencing wolf behavior, because I’m not a zoologist and I don’t give a shit about that. Wolves don’t care if their sexual lives are misrepresented in erotic fanfic.) But A/B/O says a lot more about how its authors think about gender and sexuality than it does about wolves and pack dynamics.

In most A/B/O, “male omegas” have kind of a cloaca thing going, where they defecate, breed, and give birth via the same orifice. Which, wow, gross. Almost no fanfic ever acknowledges that people poop out of their butts, which, okay sure, it does ruin the mood of fanfic (just like it ruins IRL sex) to get a dick in someone’s butt and realize via doing so that the recipient has to take a dump. Fine, I can accept that fandom doesn’t want to acknowledge poop.

But the fact that “male omegas” don’t have anything resembling a birth canal is significant. In fact, many “male omegas” in fanfiction don’t have anything that could even remotely be mistaken for “female genitals”. (hint: there’s nothing female about that genital shape actually) They certainly never menstruate, even though they’d have to if they were capable of pregnancy! Instead, most “male omegas” also have ‘functional’ external genitals: cocks that get and sustain erections and can be used for penetration, and testes that ejaculate white fluids.

Why would “male omegas” ejaculate white if they don’t produce sperm? Why would they have external testes at all, in fact? It makes far more sense for their testes (if they must have them) to be internal, where they’re protected. The reason testicles are outside of the body at all is so sperm can develop properly at slightly lower than body temperature. And why would “male omegas” need erections if their reproductive “role” is to be impregnated? Come to think of it, why do “male omegas” never develop breast tissue, either? Not even after they give birth and theoretically nurse their own infants!

There are two answers to this, and the answers are: transphobia and misogyny, either singly or together, with a possible bonus of homophobia. Cis fanfic authors either can’t or don’t want to imagine men with breasts and vaginas (transphobia), or they don’t want to write about anything that even remotely resembles what cis people consider a “female” body (misogyny), or they just plain want to write about men having anal sex without having to address real-life gay men’s needs like exogenous lubrication (possible homophobia or just sex-negativity, who even knows at this point it’s so busted). No matter which of those options it is, WOW. JUST WOW.

The end result is that pretty much everybody in A/B/O verses have erection-capable cocks and testes that ejaculate white fluids. Male betas have them! Male alphas have them. Female alphas have them! Male omegas definitely also have them! That means that it’s just two sexes out of six that have anything resembling a vagina? Wow. That’s a pretty disturbing ratio, given that fandom is mostly cis women.

IV. BIOLOGY AIN’T ALWAYS DESTINY

A/B/O as a trope is often about biological imperative. Its primary appeal is basically “I’m helpless because my body wants something so intensely and I have no choice but to go along for the ride.” And I get the appeal of that, really I do. Everybody struggles with disagreeing with their body from time to time, including about sexual desire. It’s fine to write about that as a topic. But A/B/O is different, because it’s also about gender and sexual function.

If the primary thrust of A/B/O as a trope is biological imperative, think about what it implies about trans people. Trans people often want to alter their bodies’ sexual/reproductive capacity in some way, and often engage in sex that doesn’t match the normative narrative for people with their genital shape. Meanwhile, many A/B/O fics are about the overwhelming pleasure, the natural rightness of accepting one’s reproductive role and submitting to that. It’s about people giving in to or being made to give in to their biology. Which, as a trans reader–wow. NOEP

Now, this is not to imply that all trans people are dead set on altering our reproductive capacities, or that all of us use our genitals in ‘unconventional’ ways, because we’re not and we don’t. But a trope that is founded on the idea that everyone should just give in and get fucked as their bodies were ‘intended’ to be fucked? That’s harmful to trans people who do want to change their bodies or have sex in alternative ways. Hell, it’s harmful to cis people who don’t want that either. It’s just harmful to everybody.

So yeah, super super gross and fetishistic and full of compulsory het, misogyny, heteronormativity, cissexism, transphobia, etc. Not a good trope.

[kapitan5o]

there are only two genders your real pronouns he his and you are in denial please stop this cry to feel unique as much as you claim your gender fluid or any other label there are scientifically 2 genders and if you are trying to argue with science then your dumb

oh boy

where do i even start

let’s get educated together, shall we? scientifically, as you prefer, there are even more than two biological sexes let alone gender that is a social construct and let’s not get sex and gender mixed up:

Sociologists generally regard gender as a social construct, and various researchers consider sex to only be a matter of biology and something that is not about social or cultural construction. For instance, sexologist John Money suggests the distinction between biological sex and gender as a role. Moreover, Ann Oakley, a professor of sociology and social policy, says “the constancy of sex must be admitted, but so also must the variability of gender.” The World Health Organization states, “‘sex’ refers to the biological and physiological characteristics that define men and women,” and “'gender’ refers to the socially constructed roles, behaviours, activities, and attributes that a given society considers appropriate for men and women."Thus, sex is regarded as a category studied in biology, while gender is studied in humanities and social sciences.

but even if you strongly believe that there are only two genders (and don’t even consider the non-binary part of the population) then are you familiar with gender identity and gender expression?

Gender Identity. One’s innermost concept of self as male or female or both or neither—how individuals perceive themselves and what they call themselves. One’s gender identity can be the same or different than the sex assigned at birth. Most people develop a gender identity that matches their biological sex. For some, however, their gender identity is different from their biological or assigned sex.

Gender Expression. Refers to the ways in which people externally communicate their gender identity to others through behavior, clothing, haircut, voice, and other forms of presentation.

so you simply cannot dictate how i should express myself or what pronouns i can or cannot use i mean if you wish to live within such restrictions - go for it, but i personally don’t feel like it

Gender-expansive is an umbrella term used for individuals that broaden commonly held definitions of gender, including its expression, associated identities, and/or other perceived gender norms, in one or more aspects of their life. These individuals expand the definition of gender through their own identity and/or expression. Some individuals do not identify with being either male or female; others identify as a blend of both, while still others identify with a gender, but express their gender in ways that differ from stereotypical presentations.

This diversity of gender is a normal part of the human experience, across cultures and throughout history. Non-binary gender diversity exists all over the world, documented by countless historians and anthropologists. Examples of individuals living comfortably outside of typical male/female expectations and/or identities are found in every region of the globe.

so my “cry to feel unique” ended when i was 15 years old, now i’m simply comfortable with who i am

my question to you is - why are you so bitter about it? watched a buzzfeed video and needed to vent to someone but all the comments were already filled to the brim with the same kind of speeches? if you want to have an open discussion - let’s do it, but what’s the point of leaving anonymous messages when all your reasoning ends at “dis science, u dumb”? am i supposed to be impressed? embrace my “one and only socially accepted” gender? get upset by you not respecting my choices? well i’m not, sorry about that

[a-broader-sensibility-blog]

For a while now, I have been trying to wrap my head around why it is exactly that so much of the language and norms associated with the contemporary transgenderist movement bother me. I already know what my feminist concerns are with the very concept of being ‘born in the wrong body,’ but there was something more irritating and upsetting about the ways in which the words ‘woman’ and ‘man, ‘male’ and ‘female’ were being policed within the leftist community, which I’ve only recently been able to articulate.

The words ‘woman’ and ‘man’ (and their derivatives—men, manly, women, womanly, womanhood, etc.) are some of the most necessary, commonly used and understood words in the English language. If you were to learn English, whether as a baby learning their first language or as a student of ESL, these words would be among the first words you would ever learn. And these are ordinary words we all use every day—nouns (and adjectives) we use so frequently that they merit their own matching pronouns (he and she, his and hers, etc.) There is a commonly understood definition to these words which I would say 99% of English speakers all over the world understand, and it is this: man refers to adult male people, that is to say adults of the sex that have penises and testicles and who do not get pregnant, ever; woman is an adult of the sex that has a vagina and develops breasts, and though not every woman is capable of giving birth to children, and though no post-menopausal women can conceive naturally, all children are gestated and birthed by women and it is women who possess the only body parts necessary for pregnancy and childbirth, even if some of those parts in some women may not function fully.

Transactivists would disagree with much of this, but the point I’m making right now is that that factually is how 99% of English speakers understand the words ‘men’ and ‘women’ and their derivatives. The vast majority of English speakers, do not say ‘woman’ and actually mean “a group of people with any combination of genitalia and secondary sex characteristics, all of whom identify with some non-definable, nebulous concept of womanhood.” These words have meanings which have been unchanging for a long time, which carry a lot of emotional and cultural baggage (all of which it is important for feminism to unpack). But transactivists pull the rug out from under you by redefining words already in popular use, implying that even as people use these words with a certain common meaning in their minds, they actually mean a different thing, a thing which the common English speaker may not even understand; and that, in fact, these worlds have always meant what transactivists say they mean. That is to say that transactivists retroactively re-define the words ‘man’ and ‘woman’ such that they imply a 16th century person saying ‘man’ meant “adult with any combination of genitalia who personally identifies with the concept of manhood and manliness”; and that though literally no 16th or 17th or 18th or 19th and most 20th century people ever understood the difference between biological sex and gender, nor believed that one could choose which restrictive gender roles to fill based on an internal, private conviction rather than the one assigned to them at birth, those people, all throughout time and across the world, always either knowingly used language in a pro-transgender way, or was merely incorrect in their language use, even though these words were mutually understood to hold certain meanings by every single person who spoke English.

It is a deeply prescriptivist view of language which grants a tiny and elite group of academics situated in a certain point in time total authority over an entire language. I disagree with prescriptivism on a personal level, and that is a topic for another discussion, but even most linguistic prescriptionists would not retroactively and dramatically change the definition of the most commonly used and understood words in a language such that not only does the meaning become unrecognizable to the great unwashed masses who use the word every day, but even to elite academics from merely a few years ago. If transactivists want to have a word that describes a class of people who may hold any combination of genitalia and sex characteristics but whom all personally identify with manhood, or with womanhood, they can make up a new word, but what I firmly object to is the arrogant and condescending re-definition of the most basic words in the English language, words which 99% of people understood to mean a certain thing, and which transactivists now insist means something else, and has always meant something else. This linguistic disorientation quickly shuffles around words and definitions so nebulously and obscurely that transactivists simply refuse to define certain words in concrete terms, or describe them in terms that are a blatant tautology (i.e. a woman is someone who identifies as a woman, and they do so because they identify with womanhood, an experience defined by lived by anyone who identifies as a woman), or describes certain words as being only understandable by certain people (like ‘internal gender identity,’ some kind of immaterial, spiritual sensation that has nothing to do with gender stereotypes but which apparently most people such as myself never experienced), or defines certain words only to revoke the meaning of those words under certain circumstances (e.g. Joan of Arc, who referred to herself as a woman, used the word ‘woman’ to mean ‘biological female’ even though ‘woman’ means ‘person who identifies with womanhood’ but actually Joan of Arc was a transman and this particular case of language use is an exception).

Sometimes I want to ask transactivists and people who believe in gender as an immaterial, spiritual property: to what end is this hijacking of a language as it is commonly understood by the majority of its speakers? Does it bother you at all that the back-and-forth redefining of words, always retroactively changing the meaning of certain words or completely withholding the definitions of other words, is entirely characteristic of an Orwellian means of disempowering people by robbing them of the language used to articulate their own thoughts and experiences? Does it disturb you that language is how people structure much of their own thoughts, and when you muddy the waters of linguistic meaning and censor the use of certain words in their common context (e.g. don’t say women menstruate! don’t say mothers are the ones to give birth!) you gaslight people into wondering if their own thought system is organized enough for them to formulate an opinion of their own? The intentional creation of chaos, obfuscation and misunderstanding in genderist postmodern queer theory was supposed to be liberating, but instead it has provided the perfect weapon to the kinds of subtly abusive people who gaslight others and use constantly shifting linguistic norms to police group behaviour, to isolate and exclude certain people on a whim, and to render the articulated experiences of huge swathes of people meaningless, incorrect or deliberately misinterpreted.

[bethanigoodrum]

Abortion

I was scrolling through facebook the other day and I came across a confession post of a woman stating that she had just had an abortion. It caught my eye and I starting reading through the comments against my better judgment. And unsurprisingly I saw comments saying “you should've been focusing on your degree rather than opening up your legs”, “you’re disgusting”, “If you can’t handle the repercussions of sex then you shouldn't be so irresponsible to have it in the first place”, “well aren't you just a real cunt”, “your mother should have done the same to you” and more of the same negative shit. I know that abortion is a tricky subject and that there will always be people with strong opinions such as that. And it didn't really affect me too much. But it made me think about how these are the messages I grew up with that originated from my family. It wasn't quite as crude as some of the comments online but I was told that it would reflect my own irresponsibleness if I could not handle the dangers of sex in the “correct” manner. And I was also told that I could never let my mom know about the abortion because it would break her heart with the knowledge that my soul is now destined for hell and that she would never be able to see me again after her death. All of these messages really reflect the image that it is the woman’s fault for having an unwanted pregnancy and that she has done something so terrible by having sex and utilizing the rights of her body.  And I guess with this post I just want to talk about how I became one of those “cunts”. My therapist in treatment gave me the assignment of processing anger and to express it and I hope that with this post I am able to take the anger off of myself and create a better understanding of how I feel about the situation and those involved. 

Because I do feel anger about this. I feel a lot of it. Before these last few weeks I always put a lot of the blame on myself for ending up pregnant. I would always think “it’s your fault for not forcing Joel to always wear a condom” or “it’s your fault for not getting the birth control prescription refilled before the doctor went on vacation, you could have prevented this”. And even though those thoughts are true, because I could have done more to prevent what happened, the blame is not all on me. Joel shares the blame and I have never allowed myself to feel upset at him for his role in the pregnancy until now. My friend asked me a few weeks ago if Joel had ever apologized to me for putting me in the situation that he did and with that question I realized that he never had. I’m not angry at him for not apologizing though. I’m angry at him for all of the actions he did that helped lead to the pregnancy. I’m so incredibly angry at him for starting off sex with a condom but then stopping and telling me that he wouldn't continue with it on. He put me in the position of trying to find the willpower to stop it all when every nerve in my body was saying to continue. And I know that I am to blame for letting him continue on but he always assured me that he knew what he was doing and that his pull out game never resulted in a pregnancy before and that he wouldn't do anything to hurt me. But him taking off that condom did hurt me. He did it so often that I could never trust him by asking him to wear a condom. I feel that he didn't respect me enough to sacrifice the better feeling of going without a condom. 

I am so angry at him for the ways that he manipulated me in order to have more sex and the type of sex that he wanted. I feel so disrespected by him that he would hear my no for going again and he would disregard that and manipulate certain body parts and coax me until I relented and agreed to his wishes. I feel violated that he told me that he wanted to come inside of me even though I was not on birth control that month. That he again, kept on pushing me until I gave up and agreed because I felt so powerless even though it put me in a very bad position. I had to take the morning after pill which caused painful cramps simply because he thought it was sexy to have his cum inside me and that it felt better than pulling out. 

Two years ago Kong took my voice away from me when it came to sexual acts. He made it so that my voice was powerless to his desires and he has made me feel as if my voice doesn't matter. And I believe that this powerlessness that I feel carried into my relationship with Joel and I did not fight back much after Joel’s persuasions. Joel did not take my voice in the way that Kong did though. But Joel failed in making me feel as if my voice is important and valued. My opinion didn't seem important when going once or even twice wasn't enough for him. My opinion didn't matter when I didn’t want to have unprotected sex and my opinion didn't matter when I didn't want him to come in me. I didn’t learn from that relationship that when I voiced out what I desired, that it was equally valued as what Joel desired. I knew that I could keep on saying no, but I never truly believed that my no was respected in the way that it was supposed to be. And so I gave up. 

And knowing this, I know that for my next relationship to be healthy, I need to make my voice heard. I need to respect myself and my desires and not give into my partners desires. Because if I don't, then I risk the same fate that I had with Joel. 

So after all of that, am I an irresponsible bitch that didn't take sex as seriously as it is and acted recklessly and selfishly? I don’t think that I am. I think what this boils down to is the fact that there were two people having sex that both did not show a lot of respect. I didn't respect myself enough to be firm and continually say no again and again until I was able to push Joel and his horniness away. And Joel did not respect me enough to accept my no and understand how his persuasion affected the sense of my importance. And because of that I found myself in the position of making the decision to carry a pregnancy to term or to terminate it. Because of it I am plagued with the thoughts of “what if?” What gender would my baby have been? What kind of personality would it have had? Would it have been introverted and nerdy like me? Or extroverted and goofy like him? Would it have made me feel as if life was worth living? Would I have felt some kind of love towards it that I have never felt before? Would I have been able to look at it and see myself? I have to live with this decision for the rest of my life. Five years from now I will be thinking about how my child would have been starting school and would be wondering what kind of friends my child would make and what subjects my child would have enjoyed.  In fifteen years from now I will be thinking about how I could be teaching my child how to drive a car and guiding them through romance and heart break and how to be strong when the world tries to tear them down. The what ifs will always be there because there was a whole life that I had to give up and now it will just be in my imagination. And even though I do not regret my decision at all, it hurts me to know that this will forever be on my mind. 

But as much as the what ifs plague me, I do know what would have happened had I had this child. I would not have gone to treatment. My mental health would not have been a priority and I would not have been able to give the child a stable mother who was completely devoted to it and able to provide what it needed without destroying myself in the process. I know that by not having this child I am able to attempt to try and live a life of health and happiness that I have not had for the last 6 years. And even though my relationship with Joel was filled with a lot of toxicity that both of us brought to the relationship, I have learned from both his and my own mistakes how to be a better person to a future partner and most importantly how to be a better person to myself. And so that in the future I will hopefully be able to be with someone that respects me and can allow me to respect myself. And that with this person I can create a child that I am ready for and can be a better mother to.