#✶ — › i don't feel pressure — ⌜ texts ⌟

[taffywabbit]

i just woke up so i haven't actually watched the pokemon direct thingy yet, but i heard they mentioned they aren't pushing out another console release at all for 2024 and if that's true then frankly THAT news is way more hype than any actual game announcement could ever be. go girl let us wait!! this is genuinely what i've been begging for for years now

like, oh a new Legends game? that's neat i guess. oh wait it's being given literally ANY time to cook and they aren't crunching Game Freak to hell and back in order to pump out a bunch of half-baked annual releases for the first time in ages?? NOW we're fuckin talking. LOVE to see the torturous cycle broken

[pallanophblargh]

You know what the worst feeling I've been having lately is? Wanting more than anything to get back into Actual Art again but finding a sudden anxiety that stops me. Even if I'm still as capable as I was, it's the mental block. It's why I've all but kept commissions closed for this whole time: this overwhelming fear of letting people down. Especially in times as troubled as these, where money is tight, and patience is thin. I've always been blessed with such patient and considerate commissioners, but I would hate to test people because of my malfunctioning brat of a brain.

I just wish it came to me as easily as it did before the massive burnout/medication. But it's up to me to come up with my own motivation. And it's ME.

Anyway. Thanks as always for sticking around despite... all of this. I'll get back on the horse soon.

[pekoeboo]

ugh. some thoughts.

really been trying to find the joy in drawing/writing again and honestly it's been such a challenge. friends have told me it's most likely depression that's making it hard to feel motivated and tbh they're probably right.

hoping to get back into being creative in the way I Want to be at some point tho. I miss it. there's still so much with my stories and characters that I haven't been able to share or explain and I wish I knew how without it feeling like this daunting, impossible task.

I don't know when I'll get around to actually sharing art again (or writing, if ever). was hoping that I'd manage to get some of my mental and physical issues in check recently for just long enough to get back into the swing of being creative, but that hasn't seemed to work. everything feels bad, both artistically and physically. I'm struggling to keep up with the frantic pace at which my brain comes up with story concepts and intriguing character interactions, even tho everything in me wishes I could turn it into tangible artistic expression so I can get it out of my head and share it. it used to be easy. I don't know why it's not now.

I'm just . tired, I guess.

[sofastuffing]

i have a headache

[giantkillerjack]

Uh-oh! You are like, SOOO awkward!!

You're so awkward that it is occasionally mildly uncomfortable for people!

You're so awkward that sometimes people are confused by you and then there are awkward silences!

You're so awkward ...... that ultimately no one is harmed!!

Oh damn!!! What a vile crime you have committed! What an unforgivable thing it is to make a fellow human briefly confused!

Why, if *I* were ever briefly confused and kind of uncomfortable as a result, I'd be devastated.... by the absolute net zero change in my happiness and health! - From which I might never recover!! Yes indeed! No punishment can ever be enough for you!!

So you better absolutely hate yourself for it.

Better be SO MEAN to yourself about every single missed social cue so you don't forget your horrible crime! Meaner than you'd ever dream of being to someone else for the same thing! This is YOUR responsibility!

You need to show the world that you KNOW you are bad by punishing yourself constantly! After all, think of all the people who BENEFIT from you punishing yourself! - No, really! Think about it! Think about who benefits from your pain.

Think of alllllll the definitely-good people that your definitely-necessary self-torment definitely helps! I mean, you can't just cut off their definitely-life-sustaining supply of your suffering, right?? Sure, everyone else has a breaking point, but you're probably the only person in human history who doesn't, right? Best not to question it probably. Sure, it's a symptom that billions of people with trauma have had, but who knows? You could be a one-in-seven-billion exception. Anything's possible!

Instead, better just accept that idea that bullies carry like guns in holsters - the idea that people who have trouble with social cues deserve to suffer. Better carry on the burden they placed on you until you drop. Aid the cause of the callous by enforcing shame and suffering upon yourself extra hard; try your best to do their work for them. They're very busy.

Better not recognize that you need patience and kindness to heal from your trauma. Better not find out that it was trauma rather than personal weakness filling your head with self-hating thoughts. Better not find out it wasn't your fault.

Better not find out that awkwardness is not inherently harmful or unkind, and, in fact, the people who act like it is *are the ones enacting harm and being cruel.*

Better not get righteously angry when you realize just how much unnecessary damage this has done to you. After all, if you get mad, you might realize you deserve better. You might even feel brave enough to DEMAND better! You might build boundaries that keep you safe! You might make other people think they deserve to feel safe too! And we obviously can't be having that, so...

Better not show yourself even a little kindness a little bit at a time.

Better not make a habit out of it after all that practice.

Better not get confident.

Especially if you can't first wipe out every trace of awkward. (And you probably never will. Because people who experience absolute social certainty at all times tend to be insufferable assholes that enforce the status quo. And you just don't have the stock portfolio for that.)

Better not be confident and awkward because then you might confuse and delight people

- you might accidentally end up making other people feel less shame for their social difficulties

- you might make isolated, traumatized, and shy people feel like they deserve to be included in social situations

- you might even make them feel they can be themselves around you

- you might start loving the effect you have on a room

- you might enjoy conversations more

- you might forgive yourself and bounce back from shame more easily and frequently

- you might come to enjoy some of those moments of harmless confusion you cause because NOBODY expects the Confident Awkward, and that can genuinely be an advantage in social situations

- you might stop apologizing so much.

- you might find that socializing is like a video game: it requires practice but also a safe space for it to be fun and positive.

Or if you can't become assertive and confident, better not remain awkward and shy and quiet, and then love and forgive yourself anyway!

Why, it would be carnage!!

In either scenario, you run the risk of finding out that it's not your fault that safe spaces full of kind people can be really hard to find, create, and nurture. You could end up building a skillset that helps you do those things if you're not careful!

If you start giving yourself even the tiniest amount of grace at a time, you will find that you've accessed a gateway drug with extreme long-term side effects:

- You might realize that it was never your fault that it took so long to like yourself.

- You might realize that you were always worth talking to, even when you didn't like yourself and communication felt impossibly difficult.

- You might realize that you'll still be worth talking to even if communication becomes harder as you age and/or experience disability.

- You might come to know that you deserve to be heard even on bad days when words come slow and blurry.

You might discover that you were always deserving of kindness, first and foremost from yourself.

So. As you can see, it's FAR too much of a risk to start granting your awkward self free pardons for your many heinous and harmless crimes. Better to just leave it there.

[deeisace]

..

[youkah]

Drafting an email to my hockey job boss coming out to her as trans AHHHHHH so nervy... It's a very safe environment that they've fostered and I feel comfortable disclosing it, however I've never been out publicly, I've only ever come out to friends and family... it's one thing to come out to people you know personally that will be supportive, but it's another to come out to coworkers... eep...

[writeouswriter]

Me: *Has written plenty of great opening scenes that I'm actually quite fond of*

Also me when trying to write a new opening scene for a new project: I have never written an opening scene in my life, what's an opening scene any more, has there ever truly been an opening scene to anything, there is no beginning, so there is no end, there is no one out there watching over this monstrosity, I am in the void, my mind is adrift, how do I open this scene without a key, where did I leave my keys??

[izzy-b-hands]

Me to myself: you are SO behind on finishing your izzy bingo prompts. You definitely won't finish the whole card now, and you've gotten so little done today. We DON'T need to research if this roadside coastal motel in our head actually exists anywhere. NO ONE IS GOING TO GIVE A FUCK

Also me: Time to search google maps for coastal motels and hotels and cabins and things while my word doc that's got a nearly fucking finished draft on it rots waiting for me!

[arb0k]

@toasthaste this got too long winded to keep in the replies haha but like. it's weird. he's completely impossible to compromise with, and i had no clue for years because we never argued about anything serious. but the first time i put my foot down for real he took offense and things have sorta spiraled from there

also to be honest his boyfriend moving in with us changed his personality in a markedly negative way. like, more than one of our mutual friends has reached out to me to ask if he's doing okay because he's been making an ass of himself and they thought it was out of character. and a lot of the worst stories have been while he was drunk off his ass, which he's been doing several times a week

so like. when i'm mad, i come post horror stories on tumblr. and its been mostly horror stories recently. but he was a good friend once and overall it just makes me sad. he's not open to hearing that sentiment from me right now, and i admittedly haven't been very solutions-oriented about it recently, i've been prioritizing keeping my head down and waiting out the lease. but my sincerest wish is that once we get some space from each other we can maybe sort some of it out

[adore-gregor]

:)

[aroace-number-eight]

When you were too passionate in the tags (and hit tag limit) that Tumblr starts breaking around you

[demcnsinmymind]

@ebonyforged​ gets a plotted starter!

It’s not the first time that he’s having nightmares. Specific ones. About the building. Being back in there. In its godforsaken tunnels and basement. Trapped. Alone in the dark. Starving and afraid. After all, the horror show that he’s been through in there is just the perfect backdrop for nightmares. What they’re made of, et cetera et cetera. However, this feels different this time. Smells different. Looks different. And isn’t that grand because of course, it has to be worse instead of less frightening than the real deal.

The panic is back almost immediately. Makes his heart pump faster and faster, harder and harder, against something he soon has to figure out is that damned chest strap right back around him, keeping him fixed to the bed he’d been sleeping in and making it impossible to escape. Just like last time. Naturally, his first instinct is to scream all over again. But of course, he tries to calm himself, because this isn’t the first time he’s dreaming about this again. And it is what it is. A dream. Nothing more. Nothing to be scared of. Not the real deal. Not anymore. Nope. He made it out of there. He survived. All he has to do is to just....wake up and get a grip.

Despite the panic, the pounding heart in his chest and the suffocating lump in his throat, Lance decides to close his eyes with a deep, shaky breath and tries to relax. Force himself to wake back up again, get out of here. Especially when the straps around his chest and ankles seem to get tighter and tighter. And the smell of the place seems to get stronger and stronger. And that’s just the thing, what makes it so obvious that this can’t be real.

It smells like heavy, sharp disinfectant. Like what modern hospitals smell like. Not that fucking rotten basement cellar back in Collingwood. Or what the place had smelled like in the 40s. It’s completely overwhelming and only aggravates his budding panic attack. Soon enough, the tightening straps as well as a sound to his right force him to open his eyes back up again. And jesus fucking christ, he must be tripping hard in this dream right here. Because when he opens his eyes back up again, he can see that the ceiling above is in a constant state of moving. Abstractively jerking closer and closer to a point where he fears it might start crushing him, only to then suddenly disappear in its entirety, leaving him to stare at the vastness of...whatever the fuck it is that he’s seeing. Stars? A galaxy? A black hole/void/something swallowing it right up?

This place is way fuckier than he remembers. Uncomfortably so. Though it had been constantly shifting and changing, he never saw it move in person. Rooms, walls and windows were just suddenly there or not. This though? What the fuck is happening? He has no fucking clue. It’s horrifying. The noise is right back, and when he turns his head to the left to see what has made it, all he can do is scream after all, in sudden and utter shock. Back in the corner of this basement, he can seee...something. And he recognizes it. It looks like one of the things Ebony shot in that hallway. Back when they first met.Shit, fuck, damn it. And she isn’t fucking here. Why the hell is his fucking brain coming up with something like this without including her at least??? She better turn up soon, god damn it!

“Fuck fuck fuck. Now is about a good time to wake the fuck up“ he thinks and says out loud at the same time, as panic begins to take over. Sends everything inside him into overdrive, because that thing just keeps coming closer and closer now. All with pointy, ugly teeth and pointy claws and god knows what else, kind of like that damned icepick. And it’s coming closer still, now breaking into a grotesque last few inches of sprinting towards him. The guy, still strapped to the fucking table. Screaming once more, louder when he realizes something far more horrifying next.

He can’t feel it in here with him. It’s not doing its usual things either. Azathoth. It’s not talking to him. Relishing his fear, bathing in his panic. Or mocking him for his frightened reaction. It feels like it’s just gone, truly the most horrifying part of this nightmare. Because unlike the last time a thing like this came running right at him, it’s not there to blast it to pieces in his defense. Not there to turn it to ash for daring to try to hurt him. It’s not there and Ebony’s not there, and this thing is coming right at him, while he’s at its complete mercy, unable to move, to fight back, to do anything about it.

[freakurodani]

i think maybe i just, need a bit of a break, from creating. i know ive already kinda sorta been taking one, but ive just had this *pressure* sort of, to perform to be the "art guy" or whatever

but, I can't really be the art guy right now, at least not consistently, i need to be the guy who's still grieving and kinda depressed and like i said, i know ive been posting less, posting my OWN stuff less than that, so maybe saying something NOW is unnecessary as an actual announcement

but it feels like posting a "on break" sign, relieves pressure (which i only put upon myself), and both answers questions why maybe im not around so much

[foxghost]

Lately I've started swapping breakfast with dinner

The heaviest meal served first thing in the morning, lunch stays the same, then something light for dinner.

I had some cucumbers, tomatoes, and shredded red cabbage so i made a salad and served it with coconut rice and jerk chicken. Everything was cooked within 20 minutes. You can turn any combination of raw vegetables into a great salad with a pinch of salt, a spoonful of sugar, half a lemon's worth of lemon juice, and curry paste or plain crisp lao gan ma no please don't be like me and put lao gan ma in everything

[dalennaugw]

Sfdjgjx I want to jump in on the art party on time this time but my body's doing some weird shit... ate and I still feel faint. Drinking water and taking my meds and hoping it calms tf down soon.