#✽ (ship) — the vacancy inside of my heart is a place that now you hold (rio & toni)

[beneathashadytree]

I saw your song requests were open, so can I please have "Arcade" by Duncan Laurence for Bertholdt? S/o is a Warrior and shifter that's also part of the Paradis Island Operation. They're closest to Bertholdt because they understood that his duty as the Colossal Titan meant that he would be alone in life, yet tried to be his friend :') Over the years they slowly developed and pursued their feelings for each other, even though they knew it would end in tragedy with their short lives. Thank you ❤️

ARCADE - BERTHOLDT HOOVER X READER

Warnings : mentions of death, blood, gore in general, implied depression, reader is gender-neutral!

Genre : angst with tiny bits of fluff

Word count : 2.3K words (oops)

Additional notes : I absolutely ADORED writing this, you have no idea. Bertholdt is one of my fav characters, and this song fit perfectly, so I got a bit carried away hehe. Thank you for your request; I'd love to hear your feedback!

Synopsis : Was it all worth it? That was the question Bertholdt's lover would come to ask their own self. And the answer was always a miserable but firm yes.

Requests : Are open! Check the rules over here.

Want to support me financially? Here’s my CashApp!

Masterlist

With Reiner's mangled body to their left, and a haunting vacancy to their right, the tight grip on their heart seemed to almost squeeze it out of their chest. The place that should've been occupied by the man they'd spent so long wrapped up in his arms, was entirely empty, only replaced by the salty sea breeze. The relief that they should've felt on their return trip where they could've spent their final years together was instead a lingering feeling of sorrow and melancholy that burned through every inch of them.

Here they were, homebound and half of a whole. It was almost as though their thoughts were a barren wasteland; unable to process the fact that he was there no longer. No matter how hard their brain struggled with it, and no matter how hard they wished they could just blatantly deny it and live a false life of believing that he was fine, there was no escaping it---Bertholdt was long dead, and they were on a ship back to a home that would never feel like its name without him.

Wringing their hands in front of them, smiling at the cruelty of fate that they'd somehow miraculously survived with no more than a few scratches, they found that they couldn't find anyone else to blame aside from their own self. After all, who'd take a look at their 13-years-left lifespan and decide that it was the perfect time to fall in love with a person holding the same tragic fate? Idiocy had reigned king in their mind, and they were now paying the price for jumping headfirst into the destiny they had foolishly thought they could distract themselves from.

The inevitable was to come to pass, even if it had happened under entirely unprecedented circumstances and far earlier than it should have. Glancing at Zeke with his cigarette languidly held in his fingers near the ship's rail, they were painfully reminded of the smoke that had risen from Armin's transformation, when he'd just sent their world crashing down on her right before their horrified eyes.

They had to shoulder the blame for their own hurt. But try as they might, they couldn't bring their self to regret having loved him and been loved by him.

The choices for the new generation of Marleyan warriors weren't up to them. That had been entirely up to fate, and in the way things played out, they'd ended up being chosen, one amongst the lot of weary Eldian kids striving to clear their names and save their struggling families, and alongside them had been a shy and softspoken tall boy who seemed to have the heart of a kitten more than that of a lion.

Upon knowing that he was destined to inherit the colossal type, they'd felt a mix of horror and awe. Unbeknownst to them, the boy had felt the same jumble of emotions himself, and seemed to have shrunk inside his own shell even more, even though the bunch of kids had been a rather boisterous one (save for Leonhardt, who enjoyed loneliness and silence more than a child her age should have).

And seeing him like that, they couldn't bear the thought of leaving him alone to his devices, where a life of solitude surely awaited him for being a weapon of mass destruction. So, in a similar fashion to the way they would soon befriend 'island devils', they'd approached him with eyes shrouded in kindness and warmth. Like a calming spell had washed over him, the brunette, Bertholdt Hoover she'd learned his name was, tentatively accepted her advances, and allowed her to seek friendship in him.

Much to his best friend Reiner's chagrin, their conversations were full of shy glances and gentle smiles that spoke volumes louder than their words ever did. It was in Bertholdt's nature to remain passive and only speak up when spoken to, and the added intimidation caused by an overwhelming teenage crush did not help ease his nerves in the least. More often than not, the stout blond was forced to clap his taller friend on the back so he could stammer back a shy reply to the words his charming crush had spoken to him.

Little did he know that the budding feelings were mutual. In his sweet smile they found peace amidst the hellhole they'd been immersed in all of a sudden. His slightly-clammy hands had clutched theirs nervously when Marcel had been eliminated at the very start of their operation and left their small group a divided mess. Whenever the overwhelming feeling of anguish washed over them after the wall had collapsed, gentle green eyes had provided reassurance without even being aware of the power they held over them. During the sleepless nights that had them heaving over the magnitude of their betrayal to the people they were pretending to treat as family, a deft finger would brush back their hair like it was the most delicate thing he'd ever touched.

All that and so much more over the years slowly developed into an emotion whose name they knew but cursed their self for feeling at a time like this: young love. It seeped into their blood and had their heart pounding whenever his tall frame walked beside them, slightly protective and yet somehow still timid. Their hushed conversations soon began lapsing in silence, heavy blush dusting both of their cheeks whenever they'd accidentally brush against each other's bodies. Unblinking eyes would grow wide and they'd stumble over their words, before an annoyed Reiner would tell them to 'stop being so dense and make the best of their time left', which would then leave them with a dreaded cloud hanging over their heads.

Because, at the end of the day, there wasn't much time left to spend. Their lives were expendable. Annie knew that the most, and she'd decided she would bide her time in safety; a smart move on her part. But for them? They didn't have much of a choice but to carry out their orders as best as they could, lest their lives come to an end far too soon. And being in such close quarters with Bertholdt for the rest of their lives was equal parts a sobstory and a fairytale.

Knowing damn well that they couldn't afford to waste any time, and knowing damn well that with the way things were progressing it wouldn't take long before things would go downhill, they had the sudden epiphany that it was now or never. With their heart on their sleeve, they decided to confess their feelings so they could---at the very least---rest easily.

"Bertholdt, I think I've fallen for you."

The silence in front of the bonfire had been deafening, and that was something they'd expected, but they certainly hadn't foreseen the unshed tears that made his beautiful eyes sparkle.

Voice thick with sadness, he had apologized. And without him having to elaborate, they knew what he was apologizing for---for the fact that they had to fall in love at a time like this.

But they were delighted to hear that he felt the same. He did tell them that he reciprocated their feelings, so that was a reassurance that would, for the moment, keep their worries at bay.

And so, just like that, the newly appointed cadets found out that there was a new couple amongst them when they woke up to find a small body slumped against tall figure and cuddled under the same wool blanket.

The following years were spent with entwined hands, rapidly beating hearts, and stolen kisses whenever people's eyes weren't on them (and they had a knack for finding the best and most secluded spots, seeing as they weren't exactly the most conspicuous two people, even if Bertholdt's height sometimes brought them unnecessary attention). And Reiner was undoubtedly a fine friend and wingman, often playing the part and distracting others with his genial nature so that curious eyes would leave the shy couple and trail back to him.

"I got you something," soon became a phrase they awaited from their boyfriend, as it was often followed by a simple albeit thoughtful gift. A small bunch of wildflowers, perhaps, or a book that they'd expressed interest in, maybe even a rare pastry he found while strolling the town on return from a mission---whatever it was he handed over with a bashful gaze, it was always a gesture they truly appreciated, knowing that he was truly a gentle giant.

In the false haven they'd created between themselves, they seemed to have forgotten that their mission was a suicide mission, one that had grown even more dangerous as the years passed and their pre-written fate was about to pull their happiness from underneath their unexpecting feet.

It didn't come as a surprise for them that they would, eventually, have to expose of their true natures; to show their betrayal like a theater play for every one of their 'friends' to see. But what did come as a surprise---and a confusing one at that---was Bertholdt's adamant refusal to let them reveal their true colors alongside him and Reiner after Annie's capture.

"But why?" they'd whisper-yelled at him one night, anger coursing through their veins when he'd even refused to look them in the eyes and even picked at his shirt.

"Because I don't want you to become their enemy!" he'd choked out, gritting his teeth as his heart had clenched in his chest.

They'd stilled in his arms, looking at him and asking incredulously, "But you'd rather you and Reiner take the brunt of it?"

He nodded firmly, an air of sureness and confidence that they'd never sense before surrounding him.

"If it means keeping you safe and happy, then yes."

They'd argued back, "I was trained too. And if push comes to shove, you'd keep me safe."

His grip on them tightened, "I might not live. If that happens, I don't want the two of us to die without the chance to go home. Keeping your identity a secret means that Zeke could save you without arising suspicion. They'll think he took you because you wanted to mourn over me."

"Don't," their sobs had permeated the quiet night air, "Let's not talk about this when I sneaked around Captain Levi to hold you like this."

He'd given them a lop-sided smile, before kissing their temple and squeezing them once more for good measure, "I know you don't want to, but please. Listen to me. I'm doing this because I'm in love with you and I don't want your safety to be compromised."

With tears in their eyes, they'd begrudgingly nodded their head in agreement, "Alright. I love you, and I don't want you to worry either."

Little did they know, that his words would prove to be true and would spell out the future that was soon to happen. With anguish in their expression, months later, they'd watched Armin's teeth snap her already-limbless lover into an unrecognizable mess of flesh and bones, his blood splattering on their dirtied clothes and ODM gear even from the precautionary distance they'd taken. Mouth agape in a silent scream, they stood rooted to the spot as the horrifying scene had played before their eyes.

They hadn't had the time to process it. Their lives spent together had been supressed into a reel that played in their mind so fast, just like one of the films they'd inspected with wonder in their eyes so long ago in their pre-teen years. He'd always been incredibly intuitive, but they'd wished desperately that he hadn't been so right about this.

Body growing numb as a stinging pain had taken over them, everything had faded into the background as the sight of their loving boyfriend and companion being devoured took over every nook and cranny of their mind. Hell; they had no recollections of being rescued by Pieck and Zeke, nor did they know how they wound up on the ship back home.

The only thing they were sure of was that they wished that they hadn't made it out alive---at least, not alone. Living was a bland thing; an extra effort they couldn't exert when it was done without Bertholdt.

A small hand placed itself on their hunched shoulder as their empty eyes gazed at sea. Without even looking up, they knew that the only one that could possibly be offering a semblance of comfort would be the ever-so-gentle Pieck. Wordlessly, she sat down to her right, folding her legs underneath her as her hand fell to clutch at their trembling ones. For a while, they sat in silence, only interrupted by the occasional screeching birds and the crashing waves against the massive hull.

"We knew this would happen," they swallowed thickly, surprising Pieck a little to see them be the one to initiate talking, "Bertholdt and I. We thought it would hurt less if we accepted our misfortune. And yet," they began to choke on their words as tears began to well up in their eyes, "I still feel like my heart is being wrenched out of my chest."

With only their sniffles keeping them company, Pieck sympathetically held them into her chest. She didn't speak. She couldn't and wouldn't dare to. After all, what good would her words do, when her old friend had just realized that loving him was a losing game from the very start?

Taglist: @blondeboyfriend

[kaserl]

a general terror playlist, adapted from my even longer personal one! this is a mess of genres musically, but it is in chronological order! tracklist and associated scenes/lyrics below the cut (some songs fit completely, for others only the lyrics I listed are really relevant). thanks to @dedraconesilet for helping me place some of these and screaming with me about the terror! Restless- Cold War Kids (Discovery Service|now you’re wired and you’re tired/there is never a break/you only come alive at the thrill of the chase/no, we can’t help it/we’re always restless/we already know the ending) Ends of the Earth-Lord Huron (leaving Greenhithe|out there’s a land that time don’t command/wanna be the first to arrive//to the ends of the earth would you follow me?/there’s a world that was meant for our eyes to see//maybe I’m headin’ to die but I’m still gonna try/I guess I’m goin’ alone) Into the Wild- Lewis Watson (last sighting in Baffin Bay|and we take another step into the truly unknown/don’t know why but it’s somewhere that we have to go/and it’s dangerously wonderful/so come on, come on, come on, come on/step out into the wild) Boat Song- Woodkid (sailing through Peel Sound|can we keep our bearing straight/or will we be blown off course/are we instruments of fate?/do we really have a choice?) Jesus Christ- Brand New (“will I fly? up to God?”|and I will die all alone/and when I arrive I won’t know anyone/well, Jesus Christ, I’m not scared to die/I’m a little bit scared of what comes after) We Are- Peter Bradley Adams (parties set out to look for leads|we wait for our luck to change/and hope to come//we just watch the seasons change/and wait for the storm to break/and the land to come) North- Sleeping At Last (“the western team must be nearly home now”|we will call this place our home//let the years we’re here be kind, be kind/let our hearts, like doors, open wide, open wide) Make a Shadow- Meg Myers (“funny to think of this place as home, isn’t it?”|don’t tell me this is home) Waves- Dean Lewis (the reindeer|I watched my wild youth disappear in front of my eyes/moments of magic and wonder/it seems so hard to find/is it ever coming back again//take me back to the feeling when/everything was left to find) Can’t Stop Time- Goodnight Neverland (“we’ve seen worse than this, you and me”|you can’t stop time/we’re getting older so you close your eyes/regretting everything you left behind) Spirit Cold- Tall Heights (Crozier standing alone between Terror and Erebus|how do I wake my spirit cold?/we always say when our history’s told/if only we knew the things we know/there’s a question ages old) I Of the Storm- Of Monsters and Men (“there’s a spare captain on Erebus”|are you really going to need me/when I’m gone/I fear you won’t/I fear you don’t) Hate on Fire- Ben Hazelwood (Gibson ends things with Hickey|I won’t follow you down this road/yeah, we both know just where it goes) Heavy Hangs the Crown- Samantha Farrell (“I’ve never wanted anything as little as I want this now”|you don’t know a thing/about the trouble that I’m in/fall without a sound/heavy hangs the crown) Holocene- Bon Iver (“do you not feel what has happened?”|and at once I knew I was not magnificent/strayed above the highway aisle/(jagged vacance, thick with ice)/I could see for miles, miles, miles) The Breaking Light- Vienna Teng (Ross in the admiralty scene|let your lion heart cleave the waves/brother you will return//so listen to the darkness, listen to the patterns/listen to the breathing sea/listen to the colors, carry them inside you/they will bring you back to me) Storm Song- PHILDEL (Lady Jane organizing her own rescue|even though the landscape stretches like a hard day/even though the old man says I have a fool’s plan/oh, despite the distance, you will see my footprints/I will raise my flagpole, I will turn these tables ‘round/I’ll send a storm to capture your heart and bring you home) Metal & Dust- London Grammar (“Miss Cracroft, who rejected you?”|and so, you built a life on trust/though it starts, with love and lust/and when your house, begins to rust/oh, it’s just, metal and dust/we argue, we don’t fight) Lover/Soldier- Washington (“I have no intention of becoming a captain’s wife”|lover, you’re a soldier, you’re a long, long way from home/a long way from your mother, and you do it on our own/I don’t belong to you, and you don’t belong to me/I don’t think we need to, ‘cause it’s just so easy) That’s Okay- The Hush Sound (“with me you’ve never hesitated to be plain”|you are broken and callow/cautious and safe/you are boundless and beauty/with fright in your face/until someone loves you/I’ll keep you safe/but like them, I will give you away) I Am Not Yours- Z. Randall Stroope (Crozier pining over Sophia|I am not yours, not lost in you/although I long to be//you love me, and I find you still/a spirit beautiful and bright) Hide and Seek - Imogen Heap (“much to do on Terror is all, sir”|where are we? what the hell is going on?/the dust has only just begun to fall/crop circles in the carpet, sinking, feeling/spin me ‘round again and rub my eyes/this can’t be happening) The Hunger in Your Haunt- Crywolf (Hickey gives Gibson Young’s ring|where are all the things that you have toiled all your life for?/was it me you wanted when you said you/wanted something more than what you knew?) I’ll Be Good- Jaymes Young (Crozier decides to stop drinking|my past has tasted bitter for years now/so I wield an iron fist/grace is just weakness/or so I’ve been told/I’ve been cold, I’ve been merciless/but the blood on my hands scares me to death/maybe I’m waking up today) I Will Try-Deaf Havana (Crozier’s intervention|and I will try my best to find a smile/and I will close my eyes and say I’m not afraid/and it’s time that I was clear of all the negativity that I hold so dear/I lost my sight for far too long to take my mind off all my fears/but I found my way again) Look After You- The Fray (“you needn’t worry for a thing, sir”|I’ll look after you/it’s always have and never hold/you’ve begun to feel like home) Trout Heart Replica- Amanda Palmer (Goodsir feeding Jacko from the tins|and killing things is not so hard/it’s hurting that’s the hardest part/and when the wizard gets to me/I’m asking for a smaller heart/and if he tells me “no”/I’ll hold my breath until I hit the floor/eventually I know I’m doomed to get what I am asking for) Give Me A Sign-Breaking Benjamin (Crozier in withdrawal|I’ll keep you alive/if you show me the way/forever–and ever/the scars will remain/I’m falling apart/leave me here forever in the dark/God help me I’ve come undone/out of the light of the sun) Keep Breathing- Ingrid Michaelson (Crozier on the upswing|but all that I know is I’m breathing/all I can do is keep breathing/all we can do is keep breathing now) Organs- Of Monsters and Men (Silna trying to take her father’s place|I should not care but I don’t know how/so I take off my face/because it reminds me how it all went wrong/and I pull out my tongue/because it reminds me how it all went wrong) Bleachless- Elizabeth Grace (Goodsir looking at Jacko’s body|‘cause when your life’s on the table/then there’s not much left to hide/begging for contagion/these hospitals won’t save us/and when these toxins leave us/it’s sad when we’ll be bleachless/'cause all you have to say/is that it’s gonna get better/it’s gonna get better/but it never does) Comes and Goes (In Waves)- Greg Laswell (Crozier’s speech at Carnivale|this one’s for the lonely, the ones that seek and find/only to be let down time after time/this one’s for the torn down, the experts at the fall/come on friends, get up now, you’re not alone at all) Runaway- The National (Stanley’s suicide|there’s no saving anything/how we swallow the sun/but I won’t be no runaway/'cause I won’t run//we got another thing coming undone/and it’s taking us over/ we don’t bleed when we don’t fight) Forest Fire- Brighton (fire|I keep imagining those flames that did rise/and blackened up the sky/the light that showed you barefoot in the snow/and then the fire started building up inside/exploding blinding lights/now I’m the one left screaming through the night//I’m gonna carry your bones/I’m gonna carry them all/I’m gonna carry you home) Stay Alive- José González (the dawn after Carnivale|I will stay with you tonight/hold you close 'til the morning light/in the morning watch a new day rise/we’ll do whatever just to stay alive) We Are Broken- Paramore (“these men need names yet”|'cause we are broken/what must we do to restore/our innocence/and oh, the promise we adored/give us life again/'cause we just wanna be whole) The Ice Is Getting Thinner- Death Cab for Cutie (abandoning ship|we’re not the same, dear, as we used to be/the seasons have changed and so have we/there was little we could say, and even less that we could do/to stop the ice from getting thinner under me and you) Sleeping Sickness- City And Colour (“horrible from supper”|someone come and, someone come and save my life/maybe I’ll sleep when I am dead/but now it’s like the night is taking sides/with all the worries that occupy the back of my mind/could it be this misery will suffice?) Disarm- The Civil Wars (Hickey realizes something’s wrong with the tinned food|the killer in me is the killer in you/send this smile over to you) Follow You- Bring Me the Horizon (Crozier helping Fitzjames up the ice|my head is haunting me and my heart feels like a ghost/I need to feel something, cause I’m still so far from home//so you can drag me through Hell/if it meant I could hold your hand) People Help the People- Birdy (more hand-holding|people help the people/and if you’re homesick/give me your hand and I’ll hold it) Medicine- Daughter (Morfin’s death|pick it up, pick it all up/and start again/you’ve got a second chance/you could go home/escape it all/it’s just irrelevant/it’s just medicine) This Woman’s Work- Greg Laswell (Goodsir’s panic attack|I know you have a little life in you yet/I know you have a lot of strength left/I should be crying, but I just can’t let it show/I should be hoping but I can’t stop thinking) Calm My Soul- Paper Route (Irving’s death|I’ve seen too much this year/I long for it to pass/the type of memories/that turn our heart to glass//in dust my ribs were formed/and I’ll return again/calm my soul) Helplessness Blues- Fleet Foxes (“do you know how I was appointed to this expedition?”|what’s my name, what’s my station, oh, just tell me what I should do/I don’t need to be kind to the armies of night that would do such injustice to you/or bow down and be grateful and say “sure, take all that you see”/to the men who move only in dimly-lit halls and determine my future for me) Dance to Another Tune- First Aid Kit (“I’m a fake, brother”|will you look at me?/take a good look at me and tell me who/it is that I am//everything is tiresome, everything grows old/with each secret revealed, there’s another to be told) We Don’t Eat- James Vincent McMorrow (“my father was a ridiculous man”|me, I was holding all of my secrets soft and hid/pages were folded, then there was nothing at all/so if in the future I might need myself a savior/I’ll remember what was written on that wall/that we don’t eat until your father’s at the table) Surrender the Night- My Chemical Romance (I didn’t know any of that|you surrender your heart/I surrender every dream/every weapon you’ve got/every secret that I keep) See Through- Pentatonix (“I’ve never said it out loud before now”|all of me uncharted/begs to be explored//I am see through, baby/and I don’t wanna hide/for the very first time) Unclear- Kodaline (“I always felt I deserved more”|when the future’s so unsure/when the future’s so unclear/so you swallow your heart and you swallow your pride/you gotta be tough if you wanna survive/they’ll chew you up and they’ll eat you alive/you shouldn’t give up on the dreams in your mind) Neptune- Sleeping At Last (“are we brothers, Francis?”|a strong wind at my back/so I lift up the only sail that I have/this tired white flag//I’m only honest when it rains/an open book with a torn out page/and my ink’s run out/I want to love you but I don’t know how) Brothers on a Hotel Bed- Death Cab for Cutie (Fitzjames looking at his bullet wounds|you may tire of me as our December sun is setting because I’m not who I used to be/no longer easy on the eyes but these wrinkles masterfully disguise/the youthful boy below who turned your way and saw/something he was not looking for: both a beginning and an end/but now he lives inside someone he does not recognize/when he catches his reflection on accident) human-Christina Perri (“worst kind of sorry”|I’m only human/and I crash and I break down/your words in my head, knives in my heart/you build me up and then I fall apart) Paint Me Black- Ben Hazelwood (“every man lies”|changing, rearranging/under your call, we all fall/just know that I won’t follow you further/I’m taking over, I’m now the leader) I’ll Follow You- Shinedown (“more than God loves them”|the first step is the one you believe in/the second one might be profound/I’ll follow you down through the eye of the storm/don’t worry I’ll keep you warm) All Fall Down- OneRepublic (walking out|yeah God love your soul and your aching bones/take a breath, take a step, meet me down below/everyone’s the same/our fingers to our toes/we just can’t get it right/but we’re on the road) Stay Gold- First Aid Kit (walking out|what if to love and be loved’s not enough?/what if I fall and can’t bear to get up?/oh, I wish, for once, we could stay gold) Soldier On- The Temper Trap (walking out|all that is gold is rusting/no one will know/when seasons cease to change and:/how far we’ve gone/how far we’re going/it’s the here and the now/and the love for the sound/of the moments that keep us moving) Chin Up- Copeland (Fitzjames collapses|back to where we started/losing who we were/everybody knows that/you’d break your neck to keep your chin up) Old Wounds- PVRIS (“there is time”|they say don’t open old wounds/but this is still brand new/and I’ve got nothing left to lose besides you/and I’ve already lost you once) Landfill- Daughter (Hickey killing Gibson|leave me in the rain/wait until my clothes cling to my frame/wipe away your tear stains/thought you said you didn’t feel pain/well this is torturous electricity/between both of us and this is/dangerous, 'cause I want you so much/but I hate your guts) Save Yourself- Birdy (“my body… use it”|heaven knows, heaven knows/there’s no way to save us/look at what we have become/empty hearts that spare no one/save yourself my darling/just be gone by morning) You’re Not Alone- Saosin (“God wants you to live”|you’re not alone/there is more to this, I know/you can make it out/you will live to tell) The Way It Ends- Landon Pigg (“help me out of it”|this is the way it ends/don’t tell me it’s meaningless//you held me and taught me how/I think I am ready now/if this is the way it ends/this is the way it’s meant to be) Goner- Twenty One Pilots (eye contact|I’m a goner, somebody catch my breath/I wanna be known by you) Carry You Home- James Blunt (Fitzjames dies|as strong as you were, tender you go/I’m watching you breathing for the last time/a song for your heart, but when it is quiet/I know what it means and I��ll carry you home) Corpse Roads- Keaton Henson [not on spotify] (“we both know what’s coming for me”|and don’t lie, don’t lie/don’t lie, I know we’re fixing to die/and I’ll be like this 'til the long sleeper cry/and I won’t give in, we’ll be dead in the eyes/and I’ll see the dark things that you all try to hide/and I won’t be the damnedest bit fucking surprised The Light Behind Your Eyes- My Chemical Romance (“at least love me enough to admit it”|never let them take the light behind your eyes/I’ll fail and lose this fight/never fade in the dark/just remember you will always burn as bright//when I’m here, no longer/you must be stronger) No Sound But the Wind- Editors (Peglar collapses|if I say shut your eyes/if I say look away/bury your face in my shoulder/think of a birthday/the things you put in your head/they will stay here forever/our blood is cold/and we’re alone, love/but I’m alone with you) Be Still- The Killers (“give me forty minutes”|be still/close your eyes/soon enough you’ll be on your own/steady and straight/and if they drag you through the mud/it doesn’t change what’s in your blood/(over rock, over chain, over trap, over plain)/when they knock you down/don’t break character) Cemetery- Say Anything (Hickey eating Gibson|you’re in my body/that’s where I think about you) White Foxes- Susanne Sundfør (“I’m hungry and I want to live”|hunger, hunger, is the purest sin/it is an empty church in a crowded bin) Sword and the Pen- Regina Spektor (“I love the C”|for those who still can recall/the desperate colors of fall/the sweet caresses of May/only in poems remain/no one recites them these days/for the shame/so what if nothing is safe/so what if no one is saved/no matter how sweet/no matter how brave/what if each to his own lonely grave/I don’t want to live without you) One Last Time- Jaymes Young (Bridgens holding Peglar’s hand|could I feel your skin on mine/before I have to say goodbye/could I breathe, please, one last time/you’re in my lungs before I curl up/and die) Fires- Allman Brown (Bridgens walks away to die|in a torch there’s a thousand years unknown/voices tell me a truth I nearly know/this will all soon be memory/I was made in the fires/of your care for me//and I will find you in the next life) Be Still- The Fray (“you can lie there, not feeling well, while I try and cheer you up”|be still and know that I’m with you/be still and know that I am here) Come Back When You Can- Barcelona (Sophia in the snow|come back when you can/let go, you’ll understand/you’ve done nothing at all to make me love you less/so come back when you can) Saturn- Sleeping At Last (“this place is beautiful to me even now”|with shortness of breath, I’ll explain the infinite/how rare and beautiful it truly is that we exist) If I Be Wrong- Wolf Larsen (Little and Le Vesconte go south|and what if I can’t, what if I can/what if I’m just an ordinary man/if there is a will, there is a way/I will escape for sure, I am David Blaine//and I have been wrong, I have been right/I have been both these things all in the same night) Tether- CHVRCHES (Jopson’s death|where’d you go, you were there by my side/keep believing it’s my turn to hide/in a place where we don’t have a prayer/there’s a tether that’s keeping me there) Two Evils- Bastille (“I didn’t have anywhere near an equal on this expedition, but you”|there are two ways to skin tonight/let’s see whose road gets there faster/this is a game, no wrongs, no right/only a winner and a loser/you and I, oh you and I/we’re not that different, you and I) Jupiter- Sleeping At Last (Goodsir’s suicide|I don’t know who I am, but now I know who I’m now//make my messes matter/make this chaos count/let every little fracture in me/shatter out loud) Bleeding Out- Imagine Dragons (Goodsir’s suicide|I’m bleeding out/so if the last thing that I do/is bring you down/I’ll bleed out for you/so I bare my skin/and I count my sins/and I close my eyes/and I take it in) Somebody to Die For- Hurts (“give me your gun, I’m the best shot here”|and I will let the devil know that/I was brave enough to die/and there’s no hell that he can show me/that’s deeper than my pride) The Keeper- Kina Grannis (Crozier muttering the names of his men|sand and stone, struggles to claim and own/(take my burden, I can’t bear the weight)/wars lost won, promises come undone/(I’ve been fighting, trying not to break)/nobody has to know//I will be your keeper) How’m I Supposed to Die- Civil Twilight (the last men falling|and the flesh that used to tingle/has turned a marble blue?/and you tell me that/we can never go back/what am I to say to that?//there’s only one thing left to do) Everything That Dies- Matthew and the Atlas (Crozier finding the last camps|you said everyone you know one day will surely die/but everything that dies in some way returns) Voices Off Camera- Rise Against (”close?”|we either choose to follow or be left on our own/so we’re leaving here on a less-travelled road/as desperate cries grow louder, I know we’re getting close, getting close) Friends Are Dead- Dresses (Crozier walking away with Silna|I’m wandering saintless debris/'cause the saints they arose/heaven took them home/and now I am lonely/this is how it ends, all my friends are dead/I know that I fucked up, the life of a cultural/how can I pretend that everything’s alright/when no one can find me alone in this wasteland?) Lovely- Billie Eilish (“decide in the spring”|isn’t it lovely? all alone/heart made of glass, my mind of stone/tear me to pieces, skin to bone/hello, welcome home/walking out of time/looking for a better place) I Am Only One- We Are the Fallen (Silna leaves|I’m on my own here/and no one’s left to be the hero of/this fairy tale gone wrong/as night will fall, my heart will die alone/ever after never came/and I’m still waiting for my heart to beat again/and all the dreams I’ve laid to rest/are ghosts that keep me/after all that I’ve become/I am only one) Ghost Towns- Radical Face (Crozier in the Arctic|'cause all my life is wrapped up in today/no past or future here/if I find my name’s no good/I just fall out of line/but I miss you/but there’s no comin’ home/there’s no comin’ home/with a name like mine) Exile- Show of Hands (Crozier in the Arctic|I can dream before the break of day/that I’m back with you again/then the morning blows it all away/and leaves an echo of your name/still a thousand miles lie between us/where we’re waking up alone/and what if I could cross a thousand borders/there’s no going home) Until the End- Breaking Benjamin (Crozier chooses to stay|why give up, why give in?/it’s not enough, it never is/so I will go on until the end/we’ve become desolate/it’s not enough, it never is/but I will go on until the end) Hurt- Johnny Cash (“we are gone”|what have I become/my sweetest friend/everyone I know goes away/in the end/and you could have it all/my empire of dirt/I will let you down/I will make you hurt) Bring Me Home-Fahrenhaidt (Crozier walks away|will you find, will you find, will you find me alone?/when you’re far out over the water I’ll be there too/will you find, will you find, will you find me and bring me home?/are you lost/are you chasing hollow dreams/are you lost/was it worth forsaking me?) The Ocean- The Bravery (Crozier and Ross|I climbed up a mountain, and looked off the edge/at all of the lives that I never have led/there’s one where I stayed with you across the sea/I wonder do you still think of me/I carry your image always in my head/folded and yellowed and torn at the edge/and I’ve looked upon it for so many years/slowly I am losing your face) In the Wind- Lord Huron (Robert Goodsir aboard Felix|you’ve been gone for a long long time/you’ve been in the wind, you’ve been on my mind/you are the purest soul I’ve ever known in my life//when you left I was far too young/to know you’re worth more than the moon and the sun/you are still alive when I look to the sky in the night) Frozen Oceans- Shiny Toy Guns (those left behind|ten thousand miles apart/a frozen ocean joins our hearts/I can’t wait to meet you when/the frozen waves meet ocean floors/you’ll be standing on the shore/I can’t wait to meet you then) Come Home- OneRepublic (those left behind|come home, come home/'cause I’ve been waiting for you/for so long, so long) Fields of Gold- Celtic Woman (nostalgia|you’ll remember me when the west wind moves/among the fields of barely/you can tell the sun in his jealous sky/when we walked in fields of gold) Arctic- Sleeping At Last (the last shot of Crozier)

[grownups-are-the-real-monsters]

This is what it looks like when I try.

Summary: (Modern AU - They’re all about 25 in this)  Lucy could only nod her head solemnly because--‘what the hell did a person say to the woman who’d just attempted to steal her boyfriend and had spent the last month undermining her under the façade of friendship??’ {A Jolene AU} 

Fandoms: The Stand 

Ships: Larry Underwood/Lucy Swann

Word Count: 3,298 

Last year Larry Underwood had seen his first real relationship crash and burn.  

January began with him stuck in the ‘Otto’s’ Gas station for an extra hour after his shift. Cleaning after closing sucked. 

The curse of being too jovial led his co-worker to hoping he could cover for him. Normally, he’d say no but Redman was a nice guy and it allowed Larry to sit and wonder if the new year would suck the life out of him too.

For the time being Larry’s only friend in the world was the Otto’s mascot; a large blow-mold like 3-D sign staring down at the only non-24/7 station in town. Otto the Orange Soda Bottle’s floating glove gripped the gas-pump nozzle with a sickly grin. He was just about the only boy in the college town that didn’t go bat-shit for the fizzy fruit that mixed well with plenty of acholic beverages.

Larry was passing time by staring up at Otto through the glass when a gentle tap alarmed him. A familiar dark haired woman stood at the doors. “Are you open, Larry?” She waved her hand in hello. Larry wanted to criticize her for missing all of their obvious ‘closed’ signs but found no energy.

“Closed.” He strolled over with an annoyed frown.

The woman, Nadine Cross, nodded like she knew her luck was shot. She seemed severely committed to her bit. 

“Shit. Don’t know that I can make it to another station.” She pointed a sharp thumb back towards the lone car by pump number four. Larry stood atop his tip-toes to observe the dark vehicle. He glanced back at Nadine, unsure if he wanted to make conversation with a girl who’d broken up with him (‘If you could even call it that’) in September. 

Sure, they’d remained semi-friends since the split but Larry found the whole thing to be strained. For a while there, he was still in love with her and she didn’t seem to care...running around with some new guy. 

But then he’d met Lucy Swann and suddenly he didn’t really give a shit what Nadine was doing. 

“I’ll see what I can do.” He tapped the glass in a half-finished pattern as a goodbye, see-ya later thing but about not until about halfway to the phone did the girl decide to tap back; finishing the jingle for a neighboring carpet joint. It was vaguely odd.

Mr. Felder, Alan Felder, advised Larry to help one last dollar if the kid was truly stranded. It occurred to Larry that Nadine could be faking...he turned back with the phone under his ear. "A little strange but she’s not threatening.”

He smiled at Nadine through the glass.

He got the go ahead to switch on the pumps, let the girl do her business and leave. But that all rested on the fact that Nadine was actually there for gas...

Most likely, she wasn’t. 

But Larry still strolled on over, unlocked the door and let Cross inside with a hesitant smirk on his face. She sauntered over to stand next to the row of air-fresheners and looked nothing short of pleased with Larry’s confusion. “Having a good night?” 

New Car Scent twitched on it’s metal rod as she flicked it absent-mindedly and Larry thought he could smell a hint of the blue tree. “Trust that my night’s been shitty.” He shook his head, passing by her violent presence at the forest of little trees to go back to his counter. “And it seems like it's only gonna get worse.” 

Nadine wasn’t phased. Her brutal personality seemed to be locked in the trunk while the jewel toned one had her hands on the wheel. “Always negative.” Her eyes rolled around like glass marbles. Her attention then moved towards the overflowing aisle of snacks, feet carefully maneuvering against the tile as if walking a tightrope. “Maybe I just wanted to talk, Larry.” 

“Oh yeah, What about?” He asked, unimpressed by her show of grace under the ‘Any size for just $1′ sign. 

“Us.” Clarifying Larry’s worst fear, Nadine’s busy eyes still blinked ‘No Vacancy’. For there was nothing different that he could spot, the woman had no room available for a partner just the same as she didn’t last month when they broke it off. 

“Can’t you be a normal person and just imagine this conversation happening in your head before you go to sleep?” Larry flicked his lighter open and pictured their last true conversation which had taken place on the curb outside of her house. Thank God she’d been getting rid of an ugly yellow couch at the time or else his ass might’ve froze to the concrete. 

“Mmmm.” Acknowledged but with no appreciation, Nadine moved closer. 

And Larry stepped back even further. He could almost see her November breath in the air. “Isn’t this all a little too high school, Nadine?”

She slammed her hand down on the counter. “Oh, trust you to invalidate my feelings.” Her scowl deepened but it didn’t intimidate him any. She slammed her palm to her forehead and grimly sighed. “Can’t I just come to you and say-” 

Larry hopped onto the stool behind him and leaned onto his knees. 

“Maybe I made a mistake, ok?” 

“Honestly, Nadine.” He felt his chest tighten as he sat up again. “You come to me with this now-?” A laugh escaped. “You look right through Lucy-”

Nadine dropped any sense of her previous gloom. “Lucy? Sorry to break up your ‘happy home’, Larry-”

“She’s my girl, Nadine.” The flat, serious tone coming from him seemed to jerk the woman into further rage. “I never seemed to have a real shot with you anyway and I made my peace with that.” 

“So maybe you didn’t then but now-” Nadine looked towards the freezers and swallowed softly. 

“Now, I have Lucy. Best thing to ever happen to me, Nadine-”

“Bullshit!” She burst, surprising herself. “She’s not for you.” Her heart nearly leapt from her chest. “You’re just living out some damn idyllic fantasy but it’s not gonna last, Larry! You’re not that kind of guy!” She broke to breathe. “You’re-...complicated and...” Nadine slowed to a pause, feeling ridiculous but desperate. 

Larry, who’d shared quite a few screaming matches with her previously, didn’t seem phased at all. “For a minute of my life, Nadine-a couple months, I thought I knew who you were. But I didn’t.” He shrugged. “And I am really fucking complicated. you got that right. But that’s about all you do know.” His eyes widened briefly. 

Nadine deflated a bit on her spot. 

“It took me about all my life, so far, to figure out that I could be a damn nice guy if I stopped wasting it being bitter at the world and thinking I was the shit. And you...” He gestured to her with a vague emptiness. “You came along and you were everything I wanted in a girl.” Larry shrugged, taking his hand away. “You were happier back then, Nadine. But our relationship obviously couldn’t sustain that for you.” Larry was sort of proud of that statement.

“How wise of you, Larry.” She was close to growling but her chest was nearly breaking from the pressure of her quick beating heart. She sniffled pathetically, in her eyes at least, and rolled her lips together. “I think you could make me happy now...” 

Larry softened a bit. “I’m sorry, Nadine but you wouldn’t make me happy.”

Nadine just about wanted to die. 

                              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

‘Don’t cry. Hold it in until you get to the car...take a deep breath-Oh fuck it..’

The soft rattling of the car keys breaking the strained silence of the night was what kept Lucy Swann’s composure. It was almost a metal heartbeat that she could silently count in her head to fuzz her focus away from tears-because Hell, she’d seen people do that shit in movies.

On beat twelve she burst into tears. Curling her aching body over the steering wheel she’d used to accidentally run over four orange cones during her drivers test. 

On beat sixteen she choked on the rush of air which flooded her lungs from a ‘relaxing’ deep breath. 

And on beat twenty...she stopped counting. Letting out horrible sobs that almost seemed to take up space in her tiny jeep. With every damn move she made, her ears rang because it was all...fucked.

Hissing to herself, Lucy sucked down her snot like a congested child and wiped her palms over her cheeks. Her vision blurred but her mind kept focused. It played scenes over and over like a stuck television. She swore she could hear the static but pushed that sickening illusion away while ripping her body up and to the right against the force of her seatbelt. 

Slowly she gave the car a little gas and--

Hard knocks of a fist ricocheted off the driver’s side window and Lucy nearly slammed down on the gas instead of the brake. “FUCK!” Her hands, shaking from anger, reached down to shift back to park. That was all the consideration she paid the damn blue jeep. Lucy grasped the door handle and shot herself clear from the seat and ignored the way the door clipped her skin when she closed it. 

“Jesus, Nadine?” Her eyes burned directly into the center of her chest, unable to meet her line of sight. But Nadine didn’t seem to hold that against her. No...because Nadine Cross was an infuriatingly clever angel. “What are you doing here? Did you want to talk to me about something?” She half-laughed. 

Nadine sloshed her feet in a puddle. “Seems like that, Luce. Sorry for catching you at a weird time. Were you-?” A smiled played at her lips before she thinned them out again. 

Lucy raised a brow at the nickname but continued shaking her hair out of a ponytail while Nadine shifted her feet into first position. She felt a reluctance to answer or to even bring up her boyfriend’s name in present company.  

“I was just on my way to Larry’s.” She gave in. 

“Judging by the tears...” Nadine vaguely gestured to Lucy’s puffed and red cheeks. “I can only assume he told you that I went over to Otto’s last night.” 

Lucy could only nod her head solemnly because--‘what the hell did a person say to the woman who’d just attempted to steal her boyfriend and had spent the last month undermining her under the façade of friendship??’ 

“We fought about it a bit...yeah.” She rubbed behind her ear, regretting being so openly vulnerable just then. “He wants to be your friend Nadine. But that’s all. And I just got a bit upset because...nevermind, it’s not important.” She shook her head. “I want to get along-I do.” Suddenly she couldn’t help but focus on the fact that she could still hear the radio in the Jeep. 

“I want that too.” Nadine moved with a grace that Lucy wished deeply to have. Her smile was big, more lip than teeth and strangely enticing. 

Frustration ignited in Lucy and traveled like fire through her veins. Her own ‘just being nice’ smile cracked, the left side breaking and sliding down her cheek...giving her a hysterical expression. “Do you?” She blurred an image of herself in her bathroom mirror from that afternoon over Nadine’s perfect figure as she stepped closer. “Because It didn’t seem like that last night.”

Nadine blinked, face twitching slightly and Lucy thought something was coming through before she came to believe she’d just guessed correctly now. 

“Why can’t we just...be friends?” She threw her arms out and slapped them down sharply at her thighs. “Sure, this charming civil charade is fun for you but no me, ok?” 

“I-...” Nadine opened her pouty mouth but clamped it down quickly. “I don’t know, Lucy. I wish I could tell you something, ok? But-” She pathetically waved her arm back. 

Lucy took the moment to softly walk over and finally look the woman in the eyes, a shy expression, not quite happy or sad, came over her face. “At odds or not...I’d listen to you if you wanted to talk about something.” 

Like a flickering flame, Nadine’s whole aura changed. “I have nothing to talk about, Lucy.” 

A road was blocked. Maybe permanently. 

Lucy backed off. “Well I do, Nadine.” She couldn’t help but laugh a little now as the anger bubbled up her throat again. “Perfect Nadine Cross.” She hummed, thinking of the brutal beauty which graced her presence now and the delicate voice that she spoke with.  

“Nobody said I was perfect, Lucy.” She said smartly. 

The burst of frustration felt like a migraine behind Lucy’s eyes. Her face scrunched up before easing into a glare. “Nobody has to.” She gaped her mouth in defeat, lifting her arm to vaguely gesture to the girl. “You’re everything I’m not...and you know what? I was crying because maybe I’m still afraid he might leave me for you!” Her footsteps were light against the pebbles as she wobbled back over. “Larry was in love with you.” Another shrug. “And worst of all, you’re the one who ended it all.” 

Her eyes narrowed. “But do you at least have the decency to leave him alone after walking away?” The question & it’s obvious answer hung in the air between them for a few minutes.

Nadine pursed her lips...thinking of the bandit, the heartbreaker & the trusted stranger who’d swept her away from Larry Underwood’s way of living. Randall Flagg was gone...but the tears shed for him were purely argumentative. 

Lucy’s eyes drowned in desperation. “Nadine...I love him.” She tripped over those words but it only enhanced the honesty behind them. “He’s a good man. I have faith--I do--that his love for me is stronger than what he still...” 

A small puff of fresh air sprang through Nadine’s lungs. “He still has-?”

Lucy’s eyes rolled instantly. “Of course. And I won’t hold that against him, Nadine.” She bit into her lip. “But how is he supposed to grow...to move on when you keep coming round with your leash and collar, huh?” 

Nadine’s strange, beautiful eyes flickered with emotion. For a horrible second, she appeared to be amused. Scaring every bit of strength out of Lucy Swann before her mouth thinned out again. 

“I’m tired of being scared that you’ll take him away from me.” She found her last bit of words and decided to run with them. “So please...I’m asking you to please accept us and move on...because I can’t love anybody else.” 

‘Neither can I...’ Nadine was faced with the proof just some time ago. And here now, was life giving her another reason to curse Jesus for being a Cross-maker.

Her fingers twitched, wanting maybe to reach out for Lucy’s...to ask for something she didn’t deserve but wanted. Earnestly and with a deep ache in her belly, Nadine wanted friendship. But what intruded her mind like an uninvited guest...thoughts of Larry. And how easy it might be to-with one hand stab Lucy in the back and the other choke the life outta Flagg who’d said love was only meant for the two of them. “I’m trying.” She choked out, looking off to avoid her-...Lucy’s reaction.  

Which was close to floored. She opened her mouth but Nadine found some sort of stream had burst. 

“This is what that looks like for me now, Lucy. It’s a fucked system.” Her throat burned and kept her words hot. “Don’t you think I’d like to move on-?” She choked herself up a little, pushing her nails into her bottom lip. “I try...I try to be a good person, Lucy but then...” Quickly swiping a tear from her cheek, she snorted down some mucus. “My mind just plays these awful scenes and I feel like they’re inevitable." Pausing, she took in her audience. 

Lucy Swann looked genuinely concerned. 

“I can’t explain it and really this is a tangent I didn’t plan to go on.” Nadine got the same feeling which usually came when she attempted to sleep off a headache. 

“How do you jump ship when it’s already sunk? Is that the kind of feeling?” Lucy came closer once more, holding out a hand as it began to drizzle. 

The tears burst suddenly and despite Nadine’s embarrassment and restrain, she took the hand and was pulled into a comforting hug. She wanted to scream and cry more than she wanted to be alive. Lucy was nearly knocked off her feet but managed to keep them both up, leaning back on her Jeep. 

For a strange moment, Lucy Swann wrapped her arms around Nadine Cross and rubbed circles onto her back. 

                             ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Hey! I’m here-” 

Lucy barely had time to even think about finishing that sentence before Larry burst into his living room with a proud expression. “I made you dinner.” He sauntered over with a smirk. Lucy smelled his cologne and couldn’t help but lean into his chest and allow herself to be lead into his kitchen. 

“Red Bull and Cup of noodles?” She giggled as she shrugged out of her flannel. The priceless look of joy that Larry shined was far too contagious. “Oh, I love you.” 

“I love you too, Luce.” He gently pressed a kiss to her temple but didn’t pull away. Instead, he pressed his nose against her hair and took in a long breath to chase the scent of fresh linen that was just so Lucy. “You know that, Lucy?” 

Anxiety raced through her veins as memories of bowling on Sunday nights and flashing neon signs fled her mind. All she wanted was to be pulled deeper into her boyfriends arms but she stepped out of his strong arms. “I do. But...I know you still love Nadine too.” 

Larry stepped back as if he’d been slapped. “Oh, Lucy.” He started, reproachfully. Behind his eyes came visions of that September afternoon. That damn yellow couch and Nadine Cross dumping him like garbage on the curb. 

His gorgeous lover smiled sadly. “Maybe you gave her your heart and she stomped on it but Lord knows--” She turned her cheek and sighed “You have mine to fill that void.” 

His arms goosefleshed. So he reached out, gently cupped his palms under her elbows and shook her just a bit. “Don’t talk crazy, sweetheart.” His voice was steady and warm in her ears. Slowly, he pushed her arms up to wrap them around his neck and pushed their foreheads together. “Who’s the girl I sing about, huh?” 

Lucy chuckled, lips turning up in a smile despite the sad tone. “Me?” She opened one eye with a cheeky smirk. 

Larry laughed madly and rubbed their noses together. “And who’s the girl I want to fuckin’ marry?” 

When she stepped out of his arms then, the lowering sun was beginning to shower his living room with stunning hues of pink-golds. Her heart was beating so fast that she felt close to fainting. “Larry Underwood...are you serious?” 

His smirk resembled the famed Elvis Presley’s. “I can’t imagine lovin’ anybody else for the rest of my life.” He chuckled, an image of the man he’d been when Lucy first met him flashed in her head. He’d grown a lot since then. 

“How quick can those tears dry, baby-?” He swiped his thumb against her cheek and attempted to hide the slight stutter in his voice. “Cause seeing them is breaking my heart.” 

Lucy rolled her eyes with a gleaming grin. “So charming.” She mocked, passing him by and bumping her hip into his on the way to the kitchen. “Come eat dinner with me, you idiot.” 

Neither of them had ever been happier. 

[rorykillmore]

okay and THIS one is for @larkspear  who requested any kind of au involving laurel and dolores. this fic is a funny story in and of itself. i spent a little while wondering what to do, weighing more traditional options, and then one day i was like “you know what? these two deserve a romcom au”. so i picked the most winter-y romcom i could think of - groundhog day - and the concept kind of ran away with me. it required a... lengthier execution by its very nature and actually became the longest gift fic i’ve written. so... either sorry, or you’re welcome?? i had such a blast with this, though i went back and forth on whose perspective i wanted to write it from and ultimately decided laurel lent herself better to “being super grumpy about smalltown life” in spite of dolores’ canonical history with timeloops so. all of this to say writing a long fic from someone else’s character’s perspective is daunting and i hope it turned out okay!

spear, i hope this fic is deserving of all the effort and development we’ve poured into this ship. i’m really grateful that 2018 gave us so many great opportunities to rp and plot with each other because every moment of it has been fantastic, and i’m also just really glad to have you in my life as one of my closest friends!! you’re always one of the first to salt with me if i’m grumpy, or reach out and offer something nice if i’m upset. thank you for being such a great friend, for all the rps i still hold close to my heart, and for entertaining all of us with memestream from week to week!!

Hey, Sara, funny you should call. I think I’m losing my mind -- any idea what to do about being stuck in a timeloop?’

Not that Laurel didn’t appreciate a good dose of AC/DC - who in their right mind didn’t? - but she has to admit that in practice, waking up to Highway to Hell is a lot less funny than she’d thought it was going to be last night.

Even if it is still utterly appropriate for the day ahead of her.

She grumbles almost inaudibly against the obnoxiously loud musical backdrop and reaches blindly for her phone -- still half asleep, so it takes her a little bit of fumbling to actually turn off the alarm. Sitting up in bed feels like a monumental task by itself, especially when she realizes that her hotel room is cold.

Like, ice cold.

“Place doesn’t even have a goddamn heating system that works,” she mutters to herself, smoothing her hair out of her face. She’s not sure what else she expected from this stupid, cutesy, outdated bed-and-breakfast -- the only place in Beacon Heights with vacancies, as if fucking Groundhog Day is a pull-out-all-the-stops holiday around here, or something.

The sooner she gets to work, she tells herself, the sooner this day will be over with, and the sooner she can go home. She slips out of bed and goes to get showered and dressed, delayed only slightly by the inconvenience of being held up by the nosy, overly friendly teenage desk clerk downstairs (some weirdo named Ratchet, or at least, that’s what he tells everyone to call him. Laurel’s pretty sure that’s not a real thing anyone would be named).

“Morning!” ‘Ratchet’ calls to her cheerfully on cue. “We have fresh coffee made, if you wanted any --”

“No thanks,” Laurel cuts him off without even looking at him. She’s out the door before he can get another word out.

In the car, she finally takes a second to check her phone.  Just one missed call, but when she scrolls down to see the contact info, she feels herself stiffen in the drivers seat.

Sara.

Why the hell would her sister be calling her? They haven’t spoken in almost two months.

She stares at the screen for a few more seconds, deliberating. There’s a nagging possibility that won’t leave the back of her mind, that maybe Sara just wants to talk, to work things out, but -- 

-- Then that stinging fear of rejection catches up with her. Reconciliation is probably overly optimistic, in light of everything. She’s going to be late for work anyway.

She puts her phone down and tries not to think about it.

The drive into town is, in theory, only five minutes, since Beacon Heights is so insufferably cozy. But ‘five minutes’ today is translating to ten, and then fifteen because of all the traffic, and God, what is it with people in this town and this holiday? What was it about twitchy rodents predicting the weather that got people up out of their beds at 6:30 in the morning?

Small towns were so weird.

When the line of cars in front of her finally start to move, Laurel is about at her wits’ end -- almost crazed and impatient enough not to stop when some freak on a motorcycle has the nerve to try cut in front of her. As it is, he hits a patch of ice and skids haphazardly anyway, making an outright spectacle when he’s finally thrown from the back of his vehicle by the sudden stop and flies straight into a snowbank on the side of the road.

Laurel eyes him for a moment. But the road in front of her is open.  “Serves you right,” she mutters under her breath, and hits the gas without stepping to check to see if he’s okay.

She gets to work almost ten minutes late, as it is. Her director and cameraman - Camille and Felix, respectively, the only two people she can even vaguely count as friends despite how many years she’s had this job - look vaguely exasperated when she finally walks into what passes for Beacon Heights’ news broadcast studio.

“Traffic,” she tells them defensively.

“You’d better tell hair and make-up to make it fast.” Camille eyes her up and down a bit judgmentally. “We’re supposed to be outside and live in forty minutes.”

“Which is exactly why I don’t need hair and make-up,” Laurel, who can’t see the point of even trying to look good when bundled up in twenty degree weather, grumbles.

From there on out, the morning (relatively, for the most part) goes as planned. Filming outside in this kind of weather is insufferable - and the fact that all the cheery townspeople who have gathered to watch don’t seem to have their moods dented by this at all even moreso - but Laurel has been doing her job long enough by now to know how to keep a smile plastered on her face.

It’s a sunny day, so predictably, the groundhog sees his shadow. Everyone acts surprised anyway, and coos and fawns over the damn thing. Laurel tries not to gag.

“Now that that’s over,” she tells Camille under her breath when they’re done filming. “I’m getting coffee. Or maybe something stronger.”

As it turns out, it’s difficult to find anyone willing to serve anything stronger at this hour of the morning in Beacon Heights, so. Coffee it is. Laurel orders a cup to go from the local diner, and she’s on her way out, admittedly in a little bit of a hurry,  when she knocks right into someone.

The disastrous results seem to play out in slow motion. She stumbles. Her coffee cup flies into the air, the lid jarred loose by its velocity. And warm (not steaming, which is probably good) liquid spills all over the woman Laurel just ran into.

She’s pretty, is the first weird thought Laurel has.

(Okay, not that weird, one night stands are not exactly an oddity for her when she’s traveling on a job, but maybe it’s a little weird when you’ve just accidentally covered someone in warm coffee).

Almost out-of-a-storybook pretty, with long blonde hair that she wears in soft curls and bright blue eyes and a matching, expensive looking coat that is now...

...unfortunately, pretty much ruined.

“Wow,” Laurel says unhelpfully in place of an apology.

The other woman gapes at her for a moment longer, and then suddenly seems to shake herself out of it.  “Have you ever tried watching where you’re going?”

Later, she’ll probably look back and decide instigating any further was a bad idea, but right now the hostility in the woman’s tone provokes in Laurel something close to insolence. “Aren’t you the one who’s supposed to know this town?”

The woman bristles at her. “You’re not exactly as charming face-to-face as you are on screen, are you?”

“Depends on who you ask.” She probably sounds like an asshole, mostly because she can’t keep from sounding a little amused. “Today’s probably not one of my finer moments.”

“Well. Because of you, I can either not make my job interview this morning, or show up looking like this. So thanks.”

Laurel shrugs, though she’s starting to feel she’s on the edge of... if not guilty, then at least vaguely self-conscious. Which means, of course, another bout of defensiveness.  “It’s Beacon Heights. Everyone else looks worse than you do now on their best days.”

It’s the wrong thing to say, evidently. The woman shoulders past her angrily and starts to stalk off, and to make things even worse, the man coming up the road from the opposite direction pauses to acknowledge her.  “Everything okay, Dolores?”

Laurel realizes with an unpleasant lurch that she recognizes him: the man she knocked off the motorcycle earlier this morning. She turns quickly before he can notice her and opts to hurry back to her car instead of getting another cup of coffee. Too much risk of running into one of them inside the cafe.

God, everyone knows everyone in this town. It’s insufferable.

At the very least, she’s pretty sure her day can’t get much worse. Until she makes it back to the inn to change her clothes, and finds Ratchet, still waiting for her at the front desk.

She glares at him in passing, daring him to say anything. And of course, he addresses her obliviously anyway.  “You got water? Supplies? Everything you need for tonight and tomorrow?”

That makes Laurel halt in her tracks.  “...What are you talking about?” she asks, turning to face him suspiciously.

Ratchet blinks at her.  “There’s a big storm coming. Weren’t you covering the weather this morning?”

“All we talked about was the goddamn groundhog,” Laurel grits out. “What storm?”

“Big blizzard.” Ratchet shrugs somberly.  “Worst we’ve had this year. Not supposed to clear up ‘til... uh, sometime tomorrow evening, I think?”

Laurel feels her heart sinking rapidly.  “But I’ll still be able to get out of here tomorrow, right?”

“Drive out of here?”  Ratchet sounds mildly incredulous.  “I wouldn’t. And believe me, I’ve pulled off some pretty crazy --”

She doesn’t wait for him to finish his anecdote. All she can think about now is being stuck in this miserable town for another day and a half, and how nothing so far has gone right, and that if one more person tries to make ‘small talk’ with her she’s going to snap.

She storms up to her room without another word. It’ll be hours still before it even gets dark, but right now, she doesn’t feel like doing much more than sulking and counting down the time until she can sleep some of this off.

Living easy, living free Season ticket on a one-way ride Asking nothing, leave me be Taking everything in my stride...

Purely on instinct this time, Laurel reaches for her phone and silences it quickly, then lifts her head from the pillow to glare at it. She could have sworn she’d changed that alarm to something less grating.

She tries not to dwell on it, getting up out of bed and instead moving to the window to gauge the damage of the night before. Maybe it won’t be as bad as the desk clerk said --

-- There’s only a thin layer of snow on the ground. Same as yesterday.  

Laurel can hardly believe her luck. Are the people in this town insufferable and hysterical?

Maybe it shouldn’t surprise her that they can’t even get the weather right. Not keen on wasting any time just in case, she hurries to pack her things, and God, the room is still so cold even though she told them to fix the heat yesterday --

Whatever. She showers quickly, throws herself together even more haphazardly than yesterday, and hurries downstairs once all her things are packed.

“Morning!” By now she recognizes Ratchet’s grating voice.  “We have fresh coffee made, if you wanted any -- hey, uh, where are you going with all that stuff?”

“Relax,” she mutters, begrudgingly approaching the front desk. “I’m checking out. Since the storm blew over.”

Frustratingly, Ratchet only stares at her for a moment.  “The storm’s not... due until tonight,” he answers slowly, and before Laurel can berate him for the misinformation, he adds, “Don’t you have a thing today, anyway?”

Laurel stares back blankly.  “A ‘thing’?”

“I thought you were in town with your crew to cover the Groundhog Day celebration.”

Is he screwing with her? Or just trying to hold her up? She sets her phone on the counter pointedly.  “Groundhog Day was yesterday.”

But then her screen lights up, and she sees she has a missed call. From Sara.

Panic seizes her for a moment - why would Sara call twice in two days, is there some kind of emergency, did something happen to Dad - and then she notices the date on her phone. And her blood runs cold for an entirely different reason.

Had yesterday just been some kind of fever dream? Was she losing her mind?

“Shit,” Laurel mutters under her breath.  “Shit shit shit shit shit.” Forgoing any explanation, she grabs her phone, turns, and makes a beeline for the door empty-handed.

“Miss Lance, what about your luggage --” Ratchet starts to call after her, but Laurel waves him off.

“Get someone to take it up to my room for me; I’ll tip them later!” If she doesn’t haul ass, she’s going to be late.  Like, later-than-yesterday late. How the hell could this have happened? How could she have thought today -- was tomorrow?

All her hurrying ends up being mostly for nothing -- if there’s one thing her dream (or whatever it was) predicted, it was the traffic. And... the call from Sara, now that she thinks about it. And the alarm.

Something weird feels like it’s creeping up on her, and she almost stops paying attention to the road -- long enough not to realize that someone is trying to cut in front of her. The vehicle - a motorcycle, she knows without even looking at it - swerves badly and skids to an abrupt stop at the side of the road, sending its rider flying into a snowbank.

Unwittingly, Laurel slows enough to get a good look at him -- the guy from before, the one who’d been there when she’d spilled coffee all over... Dolores?  How could she have dreamed his face if she’d never seen him before?

He starts to pick himself up, and she snaps out of it, speeding off before he can get a word out.

By the time she gets to work, she’s at least trying to laugh it all off -- content to chalk it all up to a weird case of deja vu, or something, because what else makes sense. It might have worked out, too.

If Camille and Felix hadn’t greeted her with the exact same skepticism.

If she hadn’t had her hair and make-up done in the exact same way, then sent outside to the exact same filming location.

If the groundhog hadn’t seen his goddamn shadow.

Laurel is barely holding it together by the time she gets off work. It’s really the best she can do just to seem like she’s not panicking, and when she goes to the coffee shop -- dreading what she’ll find -- it’s more to prove a completely implausible hunch than anything. Or maybe to disprove it. Like if she can avoid spilling coffee all over that woman, this... spell, or whatever it is, will break.

She inches out the door, coffee held tightly in one hand -- but she’s so intent on squeezing past Dolores that her foot hits the upturned side of the coffee shop’s cheery welcome mat, and she stumbles, and it’s enough to send coffee splattering all over Dolores.

Again.

Laurel can do nothing but sort of gape at her even as she’s met with that same angry, incredulous stare. 

“Have you ever tried watching where you’re going?” Dolores demands, and Laurel almost wants to cry.

I think I’m going crazy.

“I think I’m going crazy.”

No, wait -- she’d actually said it aloud. 

Dolores does a kind of double-take. “...Excuse me?”

“I’m --”  Laurel can’t keep her voice from wavering.  “You don’t remember?”

“Remember you?” Dolores seems caught somewhere between uncertain and disdainful.  “I’ve seen you on TV. And I knew you were in town, of course, for the holiday broadcast I’m sure you think is beneath you. People can hear you when you make fun of them, you know, and news travels fast --”

“No, no, no, remember this -- this -- all of this!”  In her panic, Laurel gestures to an increasingly baffled looking Dolores.  “The coffee, the -- the argument, the --”

Dolores only stares at her unhelpfully.  “...Are you alright?”

Laurel can only laugh, which she’s sure makes her sound at least vaguely unhinged. But it’s clear by this point that neither Dolores nor anyone else in this town has any idea what she’s talking about. Reality setting in has a strangely calming effect on her.  “No. -- Yes. I’m just having a... really weird day.”

Maybe she’s imagining that Dolores’ expression softens just slightly - not that it really matters, she wouldn’t even know how to take sympathy at this point - but before either of them can say more, Laurel hears someone come up behind them. She turns, and -- sure enough, it’s Motorcycle Guy.

“Everything okay here?” he asks, glancing between them carefully.

“We’re fine, Cloud,” Dolores assures before Laurel can even snap at him. What kind of stupid name is Cloud, anyway? “I need to go get cleaned up -- I can’t go to my interview like this --”  She stops, eyeing Laurel again.  “Do you need... help? I could drive you somewhere...”

Some part of her registers surprise at Dolores - who seems to have reason enough to detest her already - even offering, but the kind of numbness that’s set in to override her shock and panic supersedes that. Laurel’s not even sure how anyone could help her. She shakes her head distantly.

“I’m... just going to go back to my hotel room, actually. But thanks.”

Knowing she’s done nothing to reassure them about her behavior - but to exhausted to care -  Laurel turns away and starts trekking numbly back towards her car.  Maybe this time, at least, she can actually stop at the convenience store for some supplies before that storm sets in.

The best she can hope is that tomorrow she’ll wake up, and things will have somehow set themselves right.

Dread creeps up on her when she registers what has woken her up the next morning.  Laurel swears, after this - if there even is an ‘after this’ - she’s never going to listen to AC/DC again.

She remembers thinking last night that if she had to wake up to the same day one more time, she might just scream, or -- explode, or something. So the resignation she drags herself out of bed with surprises even her.

She goes through the motions of the morning almost robotically, and somehow (because of course there couldn’t be an upside to any of this) she still isn’t any more on schedule when she drags herself past Ratchet and out the front door. 

This time, though, she stares at that missed call from Sara for a few heartbeats longer, and imagines what it might be like if she returned it. ‘Hey, Sara, funny you should call. I think I’m losing my mind -- any idea what to do about being stuck in a timeloop?’

Yeah. What a way to reconcile.  

She drives off rather morosely, lost in thought, and thus somehow still - still - forgets about Cloud.  Though she does wince a little this time when she sees him hit that snowbank.

But then something occurs to Laurel. She eyes the now-empty road in front of her, acutely conscious of the angrily honking cars behind her, and thinks -- what is this changes something? Maybe all of this is... karma, or something. Maybe Cloud is some Beauty and the Beast-esque wizard who cursed her for ruining his morning. Who knows. She’ll take just about any explanation, at this point. 

She pulls over to the side of the road, and by the time she gets out of the car, Cloud is already pulling himself out of the snow.  “Hey, uh, sorry about that,” Laurel tells him stiffly.  “My head is... somewhere else today. You okay?”

He glances at her in muted surprise.  “...You actually stopped.”

“Yeah, I know. I surprise even myself sometimes.”  

Cloud seems to be having trouble pulling his foot out of the snowbank, so Laurel awkwardly grabs him by the arm to help haul him out. That accomplished, they both awkwardly turn to stare at his fallen motorbike.

“You... need a ride into town?” Laurel asks finally.

Cloud shakes his head slowly, then crosses to the bike to pick it up off the ground.  “It’s survived worse scrapes than this. Should be fine.”

“Right.” Laurel just kind of stands there for a moment.  Nothing really feels different. “Well, I should... get to work, then.”

As she’s walking back to her car, though, Cloud calls after her -- “Thanks. For stopping.”

In spite of that, however, the only thing that ends up changing is that Laurel’s a little more late to work than usual, and Camille and Felix are a little more disapproving. Laurel can practically mouth along with the town mayor’s exclamation at the groundhog seeing its shadow, at this point. Six more weeks of winter. 

Is that what it’s going to take? Six more weeks of this?

She just goes to the coffee shop out of habit, at this point -- and maybe also in part because familiar faces are all she has to cling to, at this point. This time, she at least manages not to give Dolores the full blast of her coffee spillage, but she does make sure to spill a little, if only so Dolores will stop and talk to her.

She’s not sure if that makes her pathetic or just an asshole.

“Sorry,” Laurel mutters, already pulling the napkins she snagged from the counter earlier out of her purse. Dolores’ immediate indignation seems slightly stifled as she takes them.

“...Have you ever tried watching where you’re going?” she asks with less bite than Laurel can remember in the previous two days.

“Yeah, I know.” She guesses she at least deserves that much.  “I know you have a job interview, and I promise I’ll let you make it tomorrow, I just -- I don’t know. I’m trying to find ways to make all of this feel real.”

Dolores raises her eyebrows, and Laurel supposes it must be because there are at least three different elements of that response that make absolutely no sense to her. “Is that a television star thing?” she asks after a moment, dabbing gingerly at her coat. “Finding ways to make things seem more real?”

Laurel laughs halfheartedly. “I wish.” 

She doesn’t know what else to say, so she just helps Dolores clean up until Cloud arrives on the scene.

“Everything --” His gaze shifts from Dolores to Laurel, and he pauses.  “...Okay here?”

“Our special guest spilled her coffee on me,” Dolores explains dryly.

Cloud regards her bemusedly for a moment.  “You sure are accident-prone.”  When Dolores looks up in question, he goes on to explain, “She kind of helped me wreck my bike earlier this morning. But to her credit, she also helped me fix it.”

“Not really,” Laurel puts in, feeling inexplicably awkward.  “I just kind of... stopped and watched you fix it.”

“Well. It’s the thought that counts.”

Dolores stares at her thoughtfully. “And here I thought someone with your big city schedule wouldn’t have the time.”

Laurel shifts a little.  “Well, you don’t really know me.”  Yet somehow she feels like that’s unfair when she’s spent the past few days being an asshole to Dolores, whether Dolores remembers it or not. 

Dolores frowns at her faintly without comment. Then she turns to Cloud.  “Since my interview’s off the table, we should try and hit the store before the storm rolls in.”

Cloud nods -- then, to Laurel’s surprise, he turns to her contemplatively.  “You... want to come with us?”

Already resigned to dragging herself back to the inn for the day, Laurel stops in her tracks. On one hand, she doesn’t really need the supplies, since more likely than not she won’t have anything she buys by tomorrow morning. On the other hand, the offer kind of startles her. She realizes she’s waiting for Dolores to object -- but Dolores only glances at Cloud and then turns to watch her, waiting for an answer.

“Uh,” Laurel says, literally unable to think of a reason to refuse. Besides, it’ll probably look weird if she isn’t planning to stock up. “Sure. Why not.”

The three of them set off together without further fanfare. Laurel can’t help feeling a little awkward in their company, like some kind of third wheel, especially since Cloud doesn’t seem especially inclined to talk much (to her, at least). So she’s a little surprised when Dolores falls into step beside her, voice lowered.

“What did you mean, earlier -- when you said you’d let me make my job interview tomorrow?”

Oh. Laurel had kind of forgotten that had slipped out. She spends a moment trying to think up a response that sounds sane and reasonable, but comes up blank. Then she figures, well, what’s the worst that can happen if she tells the truth? Dolores will have forgotten by tomorrow.

“It’s gonna sound pretty crazy,” she warns. When Dolores only stares at her expectantly, she continues, “Okay, so this whole... morning. For me, it’s happened before. This is the third time, actually.”

Dolores doesn’t immediately look at her like she’s grown a second head, which Laurel supposes is something, but she does look sort of confused. “What do you mean, ‘happened before’? Like some sort of loop?”

“Yes. That.” Laurel watches her from the corner of her eye. “I don’t... really have an explanation, or anything, I just know that it does. Every day I’ve spent here I’ve woken up to the same stupid song, and a missed call from my sister, and almost killing Cloud on my way to work. Which I’m late for every single time, coincidentally. And then I go to that coffee shop and spill coffee all over you, and you -- usually get really mad at me.”

“Well. It was a very nice coat.”

Laurel snorts, and then backtracks.  “ -- Wait. That’s it? You believe me?”

Dolores shrugs faintly.  “I’m not sure. But you obviously believe you.” She pauses bemusedly, then adds.  “This isn’t the kind of story people tell a stranger when they’re not completely convinced.”

Laurel thinks that over and concludes that she’s probably right.  “So. Any idea what I should do? You know, hypothetically.”

She’s still a little surprised when Dolores seems to take her question seriously.  “If it were me...”  She trails off briefly, brow furrowed.  “If I had to live the same day over and over again, I guess I’d try to make the most of it.”

“And how would you do that?”

“Well, everyone has mistakes that they wish they could go back and fix. Even from day to day. Things they wanted to say but didn’t, letters they never sent... or calls they never made.” Dolores gives her something of a pointed look. “Coffee they could’ve avoided spilling.”

Laurel tries to look at least a little bit sheepish at that, just out of common decency.  “So... what. You think this might end if I finally get... whatever I’m supposed to get right?” It hadn’t worked with Cloud, but maybe that hadn’t been The thing. Or maybe she was supposed to get some kind of perfect score. Not do a single mean, dismissive thing to anyone.

“Maybe. Maybe not,” Dolores says levelly.  “...Either way, having infinite chances to get things right is something some people would kill for.”

Laurel doesn’t say much else after that, but she considers it the rest of the way to the store. And after they’re finished shopping, Cloud and Dolores surprise her by telling her about the blizzard party they’re planning - which isn’t much of a party, just stockpiling supplies and marathoning movies until the power goes out - and when they invite her along, Laurel swallows her shock long enough to accept.

It’s the stupid, cozy kind of thing she might have made fun of in some other context, but it ends up being the best afternoon she’s had in... well, actually, since even before all of this started. 

She almost forgets, by the end of it, that Dolores and Cloud won’t remember her tomorrow morning. But she wakes up with Dolores’ words still ringing in her ears anyway.

The next few days and beyond roll out at a snail’s pace, but Laurel finds that it’s the diversifying that keeps her sane. At least, that’s the excuse she’s using for following Dolores’ advice.

It’s actually not that difficult, for instance, to avoid almost killing Cloud on the road into town. She lets him cut in front of her every morning now, and if she’s ever feeling particularly impatient or frustrated, imagining him catapulting into the snowbank once or twice is usually enough to suffice.

She tries to appreciate Camille and Felix a little more when she sees them, even if it mostly just seems to kind of weird them out. She’s usually a little more on time for work, too -- the one day she isn’t is because she stopped on a whim to buy everyone donuts, and afterwards, she decides it was mostly worth the collective sugar rush.

It’s funny, but after awhile, even Beacon Heights itself starts to seem a little less obnoxious. Maybe it’s because it’s all getting so familiar, or -- maybe there’s some kind of magic in looking at people, even the most cutesy, cliche, insufferable people, and trying to find something to like about them. It all starts to make her feel lighter, somehow, than she has in a long while. Even if it’s still pretty annoying when they get all hyped up over that damn groundhog.

She even gets into the habit of saying hi to Ratchet in the mornings, which seems to thrill him. She never does take him up on that coffee, though.

Largely because visiting the local coffee shop, kind of embarrassingly, has become the highlight of the day she’s living on repeat. The one thing she never tries to change. She’s stopped spilling her coffee on poor Dolores, of course, just like she promised -- actually, she finds that if she takes a seat at the diner’s counter and just waits for a little while, Dolores will usually talk to her when she comes in to order.

And Dolores is... nice to talk to. At first Laurel just chalks it up to her being one of the few vaguely sane-seeming people in this town, and the fact that Laurel herself doesn’t generally have a lot of friends. But as the days pass, and she gets new pieces to put together, she starts to realize they have more in common than she ever would have thought.

Dolores was an outsider here once, it turns out. She moved to Beacon Heights five years ago, and says she didn’t stop feeling like she didn’t belong until after the first year. And she has problems with her family, too -- turns out it was a father she was estranged from for awhile, not her sister, but her understanding when Laurel brings Sara up even in passing is nice.

One of the days, on an impulse she doesn’t even consciously process until it’s too late, Laurel asks Dolores if she wants to get dinner after her interview. It honestly kind of stuns her when Dolores accepts. Except it’s all so much that she honestly, genuinely forgets about the blizzard, and when they end up snowed in together she’s vaguely horrified at the idea that Dolores might think she’d planned this all along.

Not that Dolores really seems like she’d mind the idea. But Laurel doesn’t try anything anyway.  Something about it feels too -- well, for Dolores, it’s only been a day, but for Laurel it’s been -- how long had it been? Had she actually lost track?

All the same. It doesn’t feel fair, somehow.

But when she wakes up the next morning alone, she becomes fully conscious of how much the thought that Dolores won’t remember her today - or any day - aches. And that’s when she knows she’s in trouble.

Romantic feelings are typically something Laurel tries not to tangle with, as a rule. She hasn’t really seriously dated since Ollie in college, a wound that - if she’s honest - she’s still not entirely sure she can call healed, but even the majority of her casual relationships since then have had a tendency to end badly. 

Depressing as it is to wake up every morning smitten with a girl who has yet to have any idea who she is, Laurel occasionally wonders if it’s better that way. If she was given the option of a future with Dolores -- wouldn’t she just find some way to screw that up too?

This way, at least, she doesn’t have anything to be afraid of. Except sometimes she feels like if she did have the chance...

It’s just that Laurel’s never really bought into all that sappy shit about the people you really care about making you a better person, up until now. She tries to give herself some of the credit she can grudgingly admit she deserves, but it’s not just reliving the same day over and over and seeing the results of her differing choices that makes her want to be better.

It’s the way Dolores smiles at her when she does something kind. It’s the way Dolores seems to find sincere inspiration and appreciation in all the stupid, simple things about this town that Laurel once would have thought were just -- well, stupid and simple.

Maybe it’s that more than anything that has her sitting in her car on the latest of the now-uncountable mornings, staring at her phone. At the missed call from Sara. Fear and indecisiveness make her limbs feel rigid, but she knows she must look like an idiot sitting unresponsively in her unheated car, and the minutes before work are ticking away, so she hits the ‘Return call’ button before she can psych herself out of it.

Sara’s phone rings a few times. Laurel inevitably wonders if she’s changed her mind, decided Laurel’s not worth it after all, is just going to ignore the call and let it go to voicemail. Or maybe Sara had only called her by mistake in the first place. She’d never considered that. Maybe --

“Laurel?”

Laurel swallows when she hears her sister’s voice.

“Hey, Sara.”

There’s something of a disbelieving pause on the other end, but Sara’s voice sounds surprisingly warm when she finally responds.  “I’m, uh -- I’m glad you called me back.”

“Yeah.” Laurel winces a little at the automatic response, and quickly adds -- “Uh, you didn’t leave a message, so I wasn’t sure if I was in trouble, or...”

“No! No, I -- just wanted to talk, I guess. ...It’s been awhile.” Sara still sounds a little hesitant, and Laurel feels like she’s walking on glass, but at the same time there’s hope starting to bubble in her chest.

“I missed you,” she says instead of whatever careful thing she’d planned on saying. By the time it actually registers, it’s too late to take it back, and all she can do is sit there, frozen, as silence stretches on the other end of the line.

And then, just as she’s sure Sara is going to rebuke her, remind her of all the reasons she has to be angry at and disappointed in Laurel, she hears Sara exhale shakily.

“I missed you too.”

“...And then she asked me to come visit her at her new place in New York. So I think I’m gonna head up there once I’m... once I’m done here,” Laurel finishes the story quietly.

Skipping the part (of course) where doesn’t know when she’ll be ‘done here’, and that by tomorrow, Sara won’t remember that she called. But Laurel will know she did. Laurel will know she can. 

It feels like it means something, for all that most people would call this much repetition pointless.

“That’s sweet,” Dolores smiles at her warmly.  “Family’s usually more willing to reconcile than we build them up to be in our heads. I remember my father was, after we went without speaking for almost a year.”

Laurel already knows this, of course, but she smiles back anyway.

They’re sitting in Dolores’ living room on the evening of the same day, warming themselves with hot cocoa as the snow piles up outside. It’s homier than Laurel can ever remember it feeling. She watches Dolores and hesitates a second.

“This isn’t going to make a lot of sense to you,” she begins carefully.  “But without you, I never would have called her. So thanks.”

Dolores pauses, clearly surprised.  “...But we hadn’t even met until this morning.”

“It’s... complicated.” Laurel tries to ignore the lump she feels forming in her throat. “I told you all about it once, and you just kind of... accepted it. Gave me some advice. It was pretty amazing, actually.” She doesn’t know why this time feels different.

Dolores doesn’t respond right away. She just watches Laurel carefully, almost as if she’s searching for something in her face. “You’re talking like we already know each other,” she says finally.  “The funny thing is, part of me feels like that’s true.”

Laurel waits. Maybe because she’s hoping, just a little, that Dolores will somehow magically, miraculously remember everything. But Dolores just continues watching her contemplatively, even if there’s something in her eyes that seems... softer now.

Whatever it is, even if it’s something that neither of them will ever be able to define, it gives Laurel the last bit of courage she needs. And this time, it isn’t because she knows Dolores won’t remember anything tomorrow and that if she screws this up there won’t be any real consequences.

It’s because even if this day keeps resetting for the rest of forever, Laurel has figured out that these are the kinds of things that matter. And they always will.

“Listen,” she begins softly. “I’ve never been very good at... reaching out to people. I’ve always used this rounded logic where I’m better off alone for a laundry list of reasons, but the truth is, I really just don’t want to lose anyone else. And I know that probably sounds like a stupid excuse to stop trying for the rest of my life, so -- I’m not going to use it anymore.”  She swallows.

“Because if we can connect like we did... today, then it doesn’t really hold up anymore. So thank you, Dolores. Really.”

She searches Dolores’ expression carefully, sincerely. By now, most of the light has gone out of the room and it’s just the firelight illuminating their features. It makes Dolores look softer, somehow.  Laurel bites back the instinct to ignore the butterflies in her stomach when Dolores smiles at her.

“Sounds like you’re the one who did most of the work,” she says finally. Laurel considers that for a moment -- before Dolores slowly leans forward to kiss her.

It catches Laurel off guard, but only for a few seconds. Then she kisses back. It’s soft and careful and not particularly intense, and Laurel supposes she’ll never be able to put into words how much it means to her. But Dolores reaches up to touch the side of her face tenderly as they break apart, and Laurel lets herself get lost in the moment anyway.

Tomorrow, everything will be different. And the same. But tonight, she lets herself fall asleep on Dolores’ couch, nestled against Dolores herself, and can’t quite bring herself to regret it.

The sound of birds obnoxiously twittering outside the window wakes her. That by itself is odd, though it takes her a little while to shake the fogginess from her head and actually process why.

Birds. No Highway to Hell.

Laurel stirs and then, with sudden realization, bolts all the way upright. The next thing she processes is that her surroundings are relatively unfamiliar. And the next is that she’s accidentally woken the person sleeping next to her.

“Ow,” Dolores mumbles, stretching the stiffness from her limbs.  “...Falling asleep on the couch is always less romantic in practice.”

“Dolores?” Laurel breathes, scarcely able to believe it. Dolores pauses mid-stretch, casting her a concerned look.

“What? Are you alright?”

It’s over. It’s -- tomorrow.

Laurel wracks her brain to try and pin down what it was that finally did it. Calling Sara? Her conversation with Dolores? The kiss?

Maybe it was less one thing and more a kind of building of a lot of them. That doesn’t make perfect sense to her right now, because it has to be eight in the morning at the very latest, and she’s still half-trying to wake herself up and acknowledge this is real.

But one thing that’s apparent to her with perfect clarity is that Dolores is still here. Next to her. Laurel gives in to a shaky smile. “Yeah,” she manages finally.  “Yeah -- everything’s fine. Sorry, I was just having a -- a really weird dream.”  She’s so relieved that she might have hugged Dolores, but she’s lucky Dolores doesn’t think she’s completely crazy as it is.

Dolores returns her smile a little uncertainly, but warmly.  “I’m glad you woke me. I was going to offer to take you to breakfast, but I wasn’t sure what time you had to leave --”

Leave?

She’d given up on breaking free of the loop long enough to forget: the storm’ll be dying down now. Felix and Camille will be expecting her back on the road before too long.

All she really wants, though, is to stay here with Dolores, and go to breakfast at that stupid, cutesy diner, and then call her sister, and have a conversation that’ll stick this time. And maybe do something sappy like going for a walk through the snow afterwards.

She wants a hundred more days exactly like that. She’s not sure when the town she couldn’t wait to get away from became something close to home.

Laurel weighs all of this against the prospect of going back to a job that never really made her happy to begin with. As completely cliche as it is to admit, there’s probably something to be learned in all of this about the things that actually matter. And not wasting them.

“If I said I wanted to stay a little while longer,” she says slowly. “What would you think?”

Dolores sort of double-takes, like she’s not sure whether or not Laurel’s being serious. “...Can you do that?”

“What’s stopping me?” Laurel shrugs pointedly.

“But you --” Dolores stops, watching Laurel even more closely, and there’s something like wonder in her expression. It’s almost enough to make Laurel feel a little self-conscious.  “ -- You really want to stay.”

Laurel can’t help but smile. “I’m pretty sure that is what I implied.”

Impulsively, Dolores leans forward and kisses her again, and this time Laurel is actually ready for it.

[starspatter]

WonderWolf because I have my fave ship song for them stuck in my head

opening credits: Midnight Moon - Oh Wonder“You with the sad smile, don’t lose your courage, courageDance in the high tide and don’t be worried, worriedYour soul’s in a wild fire, feel it beating, beating, b-beatingDreams on a gold wire, won’t you believe it, believe it?We’re all animals out in the darkGot a feeling that we’re all believing inNot waiting for daylight to startWe’re over the moon, over the midnight moon”meeting for the first time: All Night - Walk The Moon”Things are changing around me, but II feel the same insideI’m getting older, not getting wiserIt’s got me up all nightRunning in circles, hunting huntersHurry up and wait in lineI just want to meet somebodyAre you the one who will take me there? Are you the one who will treat me right?I’m not afraid of your bluest flameBeen burnt before, but I’m roaring inside ”

hey, i kinda like you: Shut Up and Dance - Walk the Moon”We were victims of the nightThe chemical, physical, kryptonite…She took my armI don’t know how it happenedWe took the floor and she said‘Shut up and dance with me’This woman is my destiny”i’m going to kiss you now: Something Just Like This - The Chainsmokers & Coldplay“I’ve been reading books of old The legends and the myths Achilles and his gold, Hercules and his gifts…And clearly I don’t see myself upon that listBut she said…‘I’m not looking for somebody With some superhuman gifts. Some superhero, some fairytale bliss. Just something I can turn to. Somebody I can kiss.’”falling in love: Livewire - Oh Wonder”I’ve been depending on the overgrownToo many lovers that I’ll never knowCounting my losses as I let them goHeavy the water as I sink belowI’ve been pretending all my shots are blownCover my heart up never let it showOh won’t you be my livewire?Make me feel like I’m set on fireYour love will take me higher and higher”your place or mine: Shootout - This Love“Apartment 24, 1st floor It’s the third door on your rightI give a knock, she lets me in I head back as she kills all the lightsSo familiar, I can’t pretend these fights are the last I will see This world’s a battlefield It’s time to tear down and use our souls to believeWe live, we lie, we love, we die And then we, we do it all it again It’s a shootout war, for so much moreThan just a couple scars on our skin”naked in bed: Body Gold - Oh Wonder“Before you came ‘round my heart would never beat much fasterBefore you came 'round I was ready to slow down…Now my soul beats a sound loud enough to quiet the thunderA love with no doubt and now I’m never gonna slow downLet it go, paint my body goldTake our bodies higher and higher and higherWe can go until the morning glowWe can go higher and higher and higher”first fight: Story of Us - Taylor Swift“Oh, a simple complication, Miscommunications lead to fall-out. So many things that I wish you knew. So many walls up I can’t break through.Now I’m standing alone in a crowded room and we’re not speaking. And I’m dying to know is it killing you like it’s killing me, yeah? I don’t know what to say, since the twist of fate when it all broke down, And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now.

The battle’s in your hands now,But I would lay my armour downIf you said you’d rather love than fight.”maybe we should take a break: Drive - Oh Wonder”But I can’t help but drive away from all the mess you madeYou sent this hurricane now it won’t go awayAnd I promised I’d be there but you don’t make it easyDarling please believe me‘Cause loving you, loving you is too hardAll I do, all I do’s not enough…Loving you, loving you leaves me hurtAll I do, all I do is get burnt” i want you back: Sometime Around Midnight - The Airborne Toxic Event/Tiger Teeth - Walk the Moon“As you stand, under the bar lightsAnd the band plays some songAbout forgetting yourself for a whileAnd the piano’s this melancholy soundtrack to her smileAnd that white dress she’s wearingYou haven’t seen her for a while”…“If you only take one step closerI could reach the zipper on your dressWe’re leaning out over the waterAnd we’re holding our breathGive in, give in. I want you backOne heart, one too many to stomachLove bites so deep, and we got tiger teeth”will you marry me: Alive - Adelitas Way”And I feel alive when I’m with youEvery time is something newNever knew what love could feel likeUntil I walked away the first time…You’re the only reason I fightYou’re the best thing in my life”we’re getting older: Heart Hope - Oh Wonder”They’re building aeroplanes faster than the speed of light Yet it don’t bother me The endless cities multiplying out oceansize Yet it don’t bother meI know we’ve gotta outgrow and feel a little heart hope Cause there is something more than everything So feel the love and let it in”if you die i’ll go with you: I Will Follow You Into the Dark - Death Cab for Cutie“If heaven and hell decide that they both are satisfiedIlluminate the no’s on their vacancy signsIf there’s no one beside you when your soul embarksThen I’ll follow you into the darkYou and me have seen everything to see From Bangkok to Calgary And the soles of your shoes are all worn down The time for sleep is now“end credits: Second Chances - Gregory Alan Isakov“All of my heroes sit up straightThey stare at the ground, they radiate…I’m some sick hound, digging for bonesIf it weren’t for second chances, we’d all be aloneOh my heart was all black, but I saw something shineThought that part was yours, but it might just be mineI could share it with you, if you gave me the timeI’m all bloody knuckles, longing for homeIf it weren’t for second chances, we’d all be alone“

[berensaats]

under the cut you will find 370+ otp tags. these were all taken from various song lyrics and quotes, except one or other i made up myself. they are unsorted, ranging from anything since skinny love to soulmates to friends with benefits to toxic relationships, exes, forbidden loves and so forth. tw: nsfw, mentions of battle and religious references. likes or reblogs are appreciated. hope you enjoy it!!

otp: you could be my cure 

otp: take away all my sin ; give me a sweet prayer on my lips

otp: i’ll make you feel like you’ve been blessed

otp: i found love where it wasn’t supposed to be

otp: i’ll use you as a warning sign that if you talk enough sense then you’ll lose your mind

otp: i’ll use you as a focal point so i don’t lose sigh of what i want

otp: i’ll use you as a makeshift gauge of how much to give and how much to take

otp: i’ve moved further than i thought i could but i’ve missed you more than i thought i would

otp: fear is the heart of love

otp: i will follow you into the dark

otp: you’re a king and i’m a lionheart

otp: though far away we’re still the same

otp: as the world comes to an end i’ll be here to hold your hand

otp: i find shelter in your arms

otp: your eyes look like coming home

otp: the unrelenting constancy of love and hope

otp: these violent delights have violent ends

otp: a love like this won’t last forever

otp: maybe it was just as simple as a change in your heart

otp: he can cut through these strings and open my wings

otp: this slope is treacherous ; i like it

otp: put your lips close to mine as long as they don’t touch

otp: i’d be smart to walk away but you’re quicksand

otp: too good to be good for me

otp: i’m wasted on you

otp: i’d kill for her ; i’d die for her

otp: two crowns and a gold cup

otp: if your heart is a dog fight then i’m ready to go to war

otp: your legs are the north star

otp: if you’re lost in this darkness i’ll carry your throne

otp: they try to break inside the walls with these lies but i’m pulling up the draw bridge

otp: we rose this love from the dirt

otp: no grave can hold my body down ; i’ll crawl home to her

otp: she’d give me toothaches just from kissing me

otp: i swear i thought i dreamed her

otp: she never asked once about the wrong i did

otp: my baby would never fret none about what my hands and my body done

otp: if the lord don’t forgive me i’d still have my baby and my baby would have me

otp: what a splendid mess

otp: maybe i just wanna be yours

otp: secrets i have held in my heart are harder to hide than i thought

otp: we’re so late nights

otp: i always push my luck when i’m with you

otp: faded every night ; dancing all night long

otp: the nights were mainly made for saying things that you can't say tomorrow day

otp: do i wanna know if this feeling flows both ways?

otp: been wondering if your heart’s still open and if so i wanna know what time it shuts

otp: maybe i’m too busy being yours to fall for somebody new

otp: have you no idea that you're in deep?

otp: she’s a silver lining climbing on my desire

otp: all i wanna hear her say is ‘’are you mine?’’

otp: are you mine tomorrow or just mine tonight?

otp: is it desire or is it love that i’m feeling for you?

otp: i want you to want me again

otp: you make my heart shake bend and break

otp: never knew loving could hurt this good

otp: you’re driving me wild

otp: kiss me on the mouth and set me free

otp: i can be the subject of your dreams

otp: don’t you wanna se a man up close?

otp: i’m pulling on your heart to push my lucj

otp: i still hide you in my poetry

otp: if it’s a 7 hour flight or a 45 minute drive

otp: when you look at me like that my darling what did you expect?

otp: i’d probably still adore you with your hands around my neck

otp: once again you had to greet me with goodbye

otp: i was sleeping in the garden when i saw you first

otp: bones of my bones and flesh of my flesh

otp: like the dawn you broke the dark

otp: you were the brightest shade of sun when i saw you

otp: like the dawn you woke the world inside me

otp: you will surely be the death of me but how could i have known?

otp: i can feel your pulse in the pages

otp: i have written you down now you will live forever

otp: i can’t say the words so i wrote you into my verse

otp: i had fallen in love with you before i knew

otp: my doubts fade when i’m kissing you

otp: everything has changed

otp: there are no boundaries or barriers if two people are destined to be together

otp: it’s you that i’ve been waiting to find

otp: can you show me how we can escape?

otp: i’ll recover if you keep my alive

otp: you make it shine

otp: every part of me you change

otp: just hold me together ; tell me you’ll always want me to stay

otp: wanna be the one you steal ; wanna be the one you shield

otp: i wanna be the one that your love can heal

otp: they are the hunters we are the foxes

otp: love’s a fragile little flame ; it could burn out

otp: i know places we won’t be found

otp: just grab my hand and don’t ever drop it

otp: tell me when you’re gonna let me in

otp: why don’t we go somewhere only we know?

otp: i should just tell you to leave because i know exactly where it leads

otp: could end in burning flames or paradise

otp: when we go crashing down we come back every time

otp: kissing feels like healing

otp: like gods at the dawning of the world

otp: i would know him in death ; at the end of the world

otp: their hands meet and light spills in a flood

otp: he is half of my soul like the poets say

otp: there was never once weakness in wanting another

otp: reason was always conquered by love

otp: if one must be pitied for loving you ; i will love you as much as i must and as much as i can

otp: your closeness pains me

otp: i simply see more in us than we both are.

otp: even when you’re next to me it’s not the way i’m picturing

otp: you wanna be friends forever ; i can think of something better

otp: at least i got you in my head

otp: i wanna ruin our friendship ; we should be lovers instead

otp: i don’t wanna be your friend ; i wanna kiss your neck

otp: you found the real me

otp: there’s millions of reasons to love you

otp: we don’t even need a title

otp: you don’t got to be mine ; just be mine for the night

otp: we just try to keep those secrets in a lie

otp: your eyes will lead me straight back home

otp: my friends won’t love me like you

otp: friends should sleep in other beds

otp: friends shouldn’t kiss me like you do

otp: these hands had to let it go free and this love came back to me

otp: you are the best thing that’s ever been mine

otp: you gave me roses and i left them there to die

otp: you gave me all your love and all i gave you was goodbye

otp: if we loved again i swear i’d love you right

otp: no place like home ; no place like her

otp: give a little time to me or burn this out

otp: we'll play hide and seek to turn this around

otp: all I want is the taste that your lips allow

otp: give me love like never before

otp: wonder what for ; why we keep coming back for more

otp: is the only reason why you’re holding me tonight ‘cause we’re scared to be lonely?

otp: we’re just reckless kids trying to find an island in the flood

otp: you can have the best of me

otp: give me your heart ; i’ll show you that love is always there

otp: if forever's gonna last then we'd better find the same direction

otp: i want you for so long ; tell me if it is so wrong

otp: trying to make it so clear ; hoping that we fall in love

otp: don’t give up on me when i stumble along

otp: remember my love for you won’t fade

otp: all your lights are red but I'm green to go

otp: i want you ; i’ll colour me blue

otp: only seeing myself when i’m looking up at you

otp: i know you’re seeing black and white so i’ll paint you a clear-blue sky

otp: without you i am colour-blind

otp: ain't nothing better worth imagining

otp: look for my heart ; you stole it away

otp: i want you to burn my bridges down

otp: i miss someone who isn’t mine to miss

otp: i dream about someone who isn’t mine to dream about

otp: i love someone who isn’t mine to love

otp: bring me some hope by wandering into my mind

otp: when it feels like i’m lost at sea you’re the song i sing

otp: you’re the anchor that i tie to my brain

otp: for your eyes only i will show my heart

otp: in a sea of lovers without ship and lovers without sight ; you’re the only way out

otp: i am an island ; you are the ocean

otp: i cannot have you without drowning

otp: i’m part of your world but i cannot have you

otp: i am deserted and you are too deep

otp: i cannot love you without losing me

otp: i will be your sword and shield ; your camouflage and you will be mine

otp: meet me on the battlefield

otp: everything could stay the same or we could change it all

otp: i met you in the dark ; you lit me up

otp: you made me feel as though i was enough

otp: i knew i loved you then but you’d never know

otp: just say you won’t let go 

otp: i bet you love me more after that first fuck

otp: i bet i love you more than i can say to you

otp: you’re my favorite kind of night

otp: used to be that i felt so damn empty ; ever since i met you no vacancy

otp: to commit our hearts to each other no matter what

otp: they say love is drowning and hell ; i’d let you drown me

otp: i fell in love tonight ; i didn’t mean to fall in love tonight

otp: if only i could hold you ; you’d keep my head from going under

otp: if we’re not meant for each other then why did we fall in love?

otp: you wish i was yours and i hope that you’re mine

otp: i tasted the divine and she left my lips dripping with love

otp: wanna show you how it feels to rock with something thrill

otp: let me show you what it’s like to fuck with something right

otp: stop messing with those boys ; get you a lady

otp: even when the world is against us i’ll keep you warm

otp: wanna keep you warm like you know you want to be kept

otp: the ghosts that we knew will flicker from view

otp: you saw no fault ; no cracks in my heart and you knelt beside my hope torn apart

otp: give me hope in the darkness that I will see the light

otp: i will hold on as long as you like ; just promise me we’ll be alright

otp: we'll share my all and our children come and they will hear me roar

otp: my soul will find you each time

otp: when you walked into the room it’s like the sun came out

otp: fires like this can tear the world apart

otp: i’d rather take a hit and fall than never fuck it up with you at all

otp: sparks in the dark gonna tear through my heart and start a fire

otp: baby can we burn it slow?

otp: there is no love without burning

otp: i am in love with everything that is unreachable: the stars; the moon and you

otp: untouchable ; burning brighter than the sun and when you're close I feel like coming undone

otp: you can tell them you are mine ; i’m sick of games

otp: take these walls and rip them down

otp: i'm not bullet proof when it comes to you

otp: i lay down this armor for you

otp: i’ll be your escape ; i’ll be your safe place

otp: all I gave you is gone ; tumbled like it was stone

otp: thought we built a dynasty that heaven couldn't shake

otp: we deserve a soft epilogue my love

otp: what can you steal from a thief? his heart

otp: she was my salvation ; i was her destruction

otp: come morning light you and i'll be safe and sound

otp: i will be your lover ; fighter

otp: i wanna fight for love

otp: i'm aiming high not to lose you

otp: your heart is afraid to want more

otp: i can't help but love you even though i try not to

otp: can’t help but want oceans to part

otp: i’m overcome in this war of hearts

otp: love like a lover ; shine in the dark

otp: i don't deserve your love but you give it to me anyway

otp: when I'm falling apart your arms are always open wide

otp: give me a reason to keep trying ; give me more than i could dream

otp: we should just kiss like real people do

otp: what did you bury before those hands pulled me from the earth?

otp: i will not ask you where you came from ; i will not ask and neither should you

otp: in search of silver linings we discovered gold

otp: we'll defy the rules until we die

otp: let's be sinners to be saints

otp: the world may disapprove but my world is only you

otp: if we're sinners then it feels like heaven to me

otp: how can you expect me not to eat when the forbidden fruit tastes so sweet?

otp: our hearts are too ruthless to break

otp: love ; i see it running through you

otp: fill up my old heart with new light

otp: loving in the moment is something luminous

otp: iscariot you fool

otp: i should’ve worshipped her sooner

otp: if the heavens ever did speak she's the last true mouthpiece

otp: i'll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife

otp: offer me that deathless death and good god ; let me give you my life

otp: there is no sweeter innocence than our gentle sin

otp: we were a fire with no smoke

otp: rags to riches but i'm addicted to being broken

otp: take my breath away ; you know i'm bound to choke

otp: when I close my eyes i still see your ghost

otp: distance makes the heart grow founder said by someone stronger than me

otp: let me take your heart love you in the dark no one has to see

otp: who wouldn't want it when he looks like that?

otp: if i try my hardest would you look my way?

otp: the only time i’d ever call you mine

otp: love is worship for which the heart needs no permission

otp: learn me hard ; learn me right

otp: love was kind for a time ; now it just aches and makes me blind

otp: you forgave and i won’t forget

otp: love will not break your heart but dismiss your fears

otp: lend me your hand and we'll conquer them all

otp: lend me your heart and I'll just let you fall

otp: where you invest your love you invest your life

otp: you heard my voice ; i came out of the woods by choice

otp: i will call you by name ; i will share your road

otp: wherever there is you i will be there too

otp: no matter where i sleep you are haunting me

otp: now your mess is mine

otp: my atlantis we fall

otp: we built it up to pull it down

otp: we might just end up crashing but I'm ready if it happens with you

otp: you're the only thing I know and I don't wanna let this go

otp: close to you i feel i'm at home

otp: we were built to last

otp: we could burn and crash ; we could take a chance

otp: like it’s our last dance

otp: he will never be satisfied ; i will never be satisfied

otp: it’s the feeling of freedom ; of seeing the light

otp: that doesn’t mean i want him any less

otp: at least i keep his eyes in my life

otp: look into your eyes and the sky’s the limit

otp: if it takes fighting a war for us to meet it will have been worth it

otp: i don’t know how to say now to this

otp: hold my hand and now you're not alone

otp: you paralyze me and i don't know why

otp: lovers and enemies then we're back to friends

otp: like a shadow and a dancer

otp: the summer thrill is gone but we've never been so in love

otp: i can taste it my heart breaking

otp: if i die may it be of love and if i love may it be you

otp: my soul is enclosed inside your skin

otp: i lack the air you're not breathing next to me

otp: i will love you thief even if you keep my soul

otp: i will love you thief even if you invade my dreams

otp: i only find you in my dreams and since you aren’t here i will try to keep sleeping

otp: you have won each battle but you have not won the war

otp: i know you have been through some tough times but please don’t push me away

otp: i’d give whatever it takes to have you near

otp: sent a picture to my mother ; told her you are the woman i’ve always wanted

otp: if your body was a book i’d read a thousand chapters

otp: even if it takes my whole life i will wait for you

otp: i know there is still love in your eyes and your glance says you’ll return

otp: if you leave there is nothing left

otp: all the water in the sea could not put out all the love you’ve given me

otp: i’ll leave the door on the latch if you ever come back

otp: it will be just like you were never gone

otp: your streets ; they agonize me

otp: you sleep in my sleep ; you cry in my tears

otp: there is your whisper in my thoughts

otp: how's this relationship of your and mine ; it doesn't have a face and yet it's so deep

otp: unless we share someone's pain we don't get separated from our own

otp: what's the world to do with the love of these two

otp: if you shoot it's a fight and if you wink it's love

otp: veni vidi amavi

otp: this red love ; this remorse of love

otp: my name is love ; your name is love

otp: should i change my name or should i hide yours?

otp: touch me with your body ; color me in your color

otp: my jewel and money is just you

otp: there is joy of love in the night and in everything you say

otp: the only thing i have in the world is your heart

otp: the heart flies ; it has got wings and attached to you

otp: here it's love and there it's fight

otp: this bed of yours and mine is a battlefield

otp: if you press the trigger i'll play kisses

otp: i've become lovely having read your name

otp: just for you i have gone mad

otp: like an expensive liquor and i've drunk it all in one gulp

otp: the shadows of your memories don't go away

otp: how do i end this distance?

otp: it's only this disease called love that is grown up

otp: once I'm lost in your talks i'd never want to come back to consciousness

otp: i've learnt to smile from you

otp: even on trying to remove ; your color doesn’t get off me

otp: i want to love in you and get lost in you only

otp: i want to hide you in my heart and not open it after that

otp: the one i have worshipped ; i’ve come face to face with her today

otp: with just the gaze of your eyes my heart has mended

otp: the story is only a tragedy if the god loves you back

otp: i wanted to tell him that i loved him but i was afraid that he would hear me

otp: you are my reality ; my most precious treasure

otp: you are the crown lying on my head

otp: luckily they don’t see how weak i become when i’m with you

otp: over the glowing hill we conquer

otp: we return to each other in waves ; this is how water loves

otp: let him be soft and let him be mine

otp: love is the only thing that turns this cage into a palace

otp: no one is chasing you but me

otp: i rub your tensed wrist like a pliant mouth ; i wait for spread fingers and a vulnerable palm

otp: these unarmored parts which are mine alone

otp: what are you more afraid of? that he gave you his heart or that you would gladly give him yours in return?

otp: just your heart in exchange for mine

otp: i didn’t know that i was starving until i tasted you

otp: in your eyes i see my bloodline

otp: you’re the rising sun ; you’re the setting sun

otp: i was with you before we were even born

otp: i have looked at you in millions of ways and i have loved you in each

otp: i will always love you ; i will always find you

otp: you are my fate this once and always

otp: hell is loving you in my sleep and waking up alone

otp: they know you walk like you’re a god ; they can’t believe i made you weak

otp: if it should be that i am hated for the simple sin of loving you then let me be despised

otp: take the mask off when you speak to me

otp: with his educated eyes and his head between my thighs

otp: i wanna sleep next to you but that's all I wanna do right now

otp: i wanna get close to you cause your hands and lips still know their way around

otp: the less time that I spend with you the less you need to heal

otp: you think my bruised knees are sorta pretty and i think your tired eyes are kinda nice

otp: it is never too late to begin our love again

otp: i tried to love you less ; i couldn’t

otp: i can’t go on if it’s not you

otp: even though I try so hard i can’t forget these feelings

otp: and i’ve been cold since you left

otp: despite everything it’s still you

otp: he was her warmth ; she was his peace

otp: we don’t have a lot but we’ve got each other

otp: please don’t be in love with someone else ; please don’t have somebody waiting on you

otp: this is me praying that this was the very first page ; not where the storyline ends

otp: what a lovely way to burn

otp: if i told you about the darkness inside of me would you still look at me like i’m the sun

otp: i’d be your shadow ; i’d walk with you

otp: in your breaths and in mine there is the same air

otp: as long as we’re together doesn’t matter where we go home

otp: i just wanted you to fuck me but then i got greedy and i wanted you to love me

otp: trying to make it work but man these times are hard

otp: even after all these years we just now got the feeling that we're meeting for the first time

otp: these times are hard they're making us crazy don't give up on me

otp: tried to break love to a science in an act of pure defiance i broke her heart

otp: you can break everything down to chemicals but you can't explain a love like ours

otp: there's no starting over without finding closure

otp: from what i've seen and i've heard when it comes to you there are no words

otp: see you in my mind then i open my mouth and it's silence

otp: there are no words you can understand ; only lovers can

otp: can't take the ache from heartbreak

otp: there's no fair in farewell

otp: if i could turn back time then i would rewrite those lines

otp: if i had to break the bank ; spend every penny on your dreams

otp: love ; like art

otp: you healed these scars over time embraced my soul you loved my mind

otp: you saw me cry say i'm still the soldier in your eyes

otp: it may not seem like very much but i'm yours

otp: you've fallen in love in the worst way and if you don't go now then you'll stay

otp: if you're looking for heaven it sure as hell ain't me

otp: how can i move on when i'm still in love with you?

otp: when a heart breaks it don't break even

otp: what am i gonna do when the best part of me was always you?

otp: kiss me with adventure until i forget my name

otp: true love ; hard to hide

otp: she found the colours to paint him where the world had left him gray

otp: she is electricity running to my soul

otp: the way you kiss me will work each time

otp: then we grew a little and romanticized the time i saw flowers in your hair

otp: i know i haven’t lost even though it’s too late to recover the heart you stole from me

[midnightsaoty]

In honor of reputation coming out in 7 days, I decided to share with you my favorite lyrics from every song (91!) from all her released albums.

Taylor Swift

Tim Mcgraw :  When you think happiness, I hope you think “that little black dress”

Picture to burn :  So watch me strike a match on all my wasted time. As far as I’m concerned you’re ust another picture to burn

A Place in this World :  Don’t know what’s down this road. I’m just walking trying to see through the rain coming down

Cold As You :  Every smile you fake is so condescending, countin’ all the scars you’ve made

The Outside :  I tried to take the road less traveled by, but nothin’ seems to work the first few times

Tied Together with a Smile :  You’re tied together with a smile, but you’re coming undone

Stay Beautiful :  If you and I are a story that never gets told, if what you are is a daydream I’ll never get to hold, at least you’ll know

Should’ve Said No :  I can’t resist, before you go, tell me this : was it worth it? Was she worth this?

Mary’s Song :  And I’ll be eighty-seven, you’ll be eighty-nine. I’ll still look at you like the stars that shine in the sky

Our Song :  He’s got a one-hand feel on the steering wheel, the other on my heart

I’m Only Me When I’m With You :  I don’t try to hide my tears, my secrets or my deepest fears. Through it all nobody gets me like you do

Invisible :  Like shadows in a faded light, we’re invisible. I just wanna open your eyes and make you realize.

A Perfectly Good Heart :  Maybe I should’ve seen the signs, should’ve read the writing on the wall and realized by the distance in your eyes that I would be the one to fall

Teardrops On My Guitar :  So I drive home alone, as I turn off the light, I’ll put his picture down and maybe get some sleep tonight

Fearless

Jump Then Fall :  I had time to think it all over and all I can say is come closer, take a deep breath and jump then fall into me

Untouchable :  Untouchable, burning brighter than the sun and when you’re close I feel like coming undone

Forever & Always :  So here’s to everything coming down to nothing, here’s to silence that cuts me to the core

Come In With The Rain :  I’ll leave my window open ‘cause I’m too tired tonight to call your name. Just know I’m right here hoping that you’ll come in with the rain

SuperStar :  And I knew from the first note played, I’d be breaking all my rules to see you

The Other Side Of The Door :  Me and my stupid pride are sitting here alone, going through the photographs, staring at the phone

Fearless : In this moment now capture it remember it

Fifteen : When all you wanted was to be wanted, wish you could go back and tell yourself what you know now

Love Story :  I got tired of waiting, wondering if you were ever coming around. My faith in you was fading when I met you on the outskirts of town

Hey Stephen :  The way you walk, way you talk, way you say my name It’s beautiful, wonderful, don’t you ever change

White Horse :  I was a dreamer before you went and let me down

You Belong With Me :  And you’ve got a smile that could light up this whole town, I haven’t seen it in a while since she brought you down

Breathe :  Never wanted this, never wanna see you hurt. Every little bump in the road I tried to swerve

Tell Me Why :  Why do you have to make me feel small so you can feel whole inside? Why do you have to put down my dreams so you’re the only thing on my mind?

You’re Not Sorry :  Could’ve loved you all my life if you hadn’t left me waiting in the cold

The Way I Loved You :  Breakin’ down and comin’ undone, it’s a roller-coaster kinda rush, and I never knew I could feel that much

The Best Day :  I know you were on my side even when I was wrong

Change :  So we’ve been outnumbered, raided and now cornered. It’s hard to fight when the fight ain’t fair

Speak Now

Sparks Fly : The way you move is like a full on rainstorm and I’m a house of cards

Back To December :  It turns out freedom ain’t nothing but missing you, wishing I’d realized what I had when you were mine

Speak Now :  Horrified looks from everyone in the room, but I’m only lookin’ at you

Dear John :  I took your matches before fire could catch me so don’t look now. I’m shining like fireworks over your sad empty town

Mean :  You, with your switching sides and your wildfire lies and your humiliation, you have pointed out my flaws again as if I don’t already see them

The Story Of Us : You held your pride like you should have held me

Never Grow Up : And no one’s ever burned you, nothing’s ever left you scarred. And even though you want to, just try to never grow up

Enchanted :  Walls of insincerity, shifting eyes and vacancy vanished when I saw your face

Better Than Revenge : She thinks I’m psycho ‘cause I like to rhyme her name with things

Innocent : I guess you really did it this time : left yourself in your warpath.Lost your balance on a tightrope. Lost your mind tryin’ to get it back

Haunted :  You and I walk a fragile line. I have known it all this time but I never thought I’d live to see it break

Last Kiss : So I’ll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep and I feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe

Long Live : Long live the walls we crashed through. All the kingdom lights shined just for me and you

Ours :  The verdict comes from those with nothing else to do. The jury’s out, and my choice is you.

If This Was A Movie :  Maybe I’ve been going back too much lately when time stood still and I had you

Superman :  I’m far away but I never let you go. I’m lovestruck and looking out the window. Don’t forget, don’t forget where I’ll be  

Mine : You made a rebel of a careless man’s careful daughter

RED

State Of Grace :  So you were never a saint and I loved in shades of wrong

Red :  Regretting him was like wishing you never found out that love could be that strong

Treacherous : Put your lips close to mine, as long as they don’t touch. Out of focus, eye to eye, till the gravity’s too much

I Knew You Were Trouble :  And the saddest fear comes creeping in : that you never loved me or her, or anyone, or anything

All Too Well : You call me up again just to break me like a promise, so casually cruel in the name of being honest. I’m a crumpled up piece of paper lying here

22 :  We’re happy free confused and lonely at the same time. It’s miserable and magical

I Almost Do :  I bet it never ever occurred to you that I can’t say “Hello” to you and risk another goodbye.

We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together : I’m really gonna miss you picking fights, and me falling for it screaming that I’m right, and you would hide away and find your peace of mind with some indie record that’s much cooler than mine

Stay Stay Stay : All those times that you didn’t leave; It’s been occurring to me I’d like to hang out with you for my whole life.

The Last Time :  You wear your best apology, but I was there to watch you leave

Holy Ground : We blocked the noise with the sound of ‘I need you’, and for the first time I had something to lose,

Sad Beautiful Tragic : Distance, timing, breakdown, fighting, silence, this train runs off its tracks. Kiss me, try to fix it, could you just try to listen?

The Lucky One : And they tell you that you’re lucky but you’re so confused,  ‘cause you don’t feel pretty, you just feel used.

Everything Has Changed : And all my walls stood tall painted blue, but I’ll take ‘em down and open up the door for you

Starlight : Look at you, worrying too much about things you can’t change. You’ll spend your whole life singing the blues if you keep thinking that way.

Begin Again :  I’ve been spending the last eight months thinking all love ever does is break and burn and end

The Moment I Knew : You called me later and said, “I’m sorry, I didn’t make it, ” and I said, “I’m sorry too, ”. And that was the moment I knew.

Come Back Be Here : I told myself don’t get attached, but in my mind I play it back, spinning faster than the plane that took you,

Girl At Home : And it would be a fine proposition if I was a stupid girl, but honey I am no-one’s exception, this I have previously learned.

1989

Welcome To New York : Took our broken hearts and put them in a drawer

Blank Space : Magic, madness, heaven, sin. Saw you there and I thought “Oh my God, look at that face. You look like my next mistake”

Style :  I should just tell you to leave 'cause I know exactly where it leads but I watch it go round and round each time

Out Of The Woods : The rest of the world was black and white, but we were in screaming color

All You Had To Do Was Stay : The more I think about it now the less I know. All I know is that you drove us off the road

Shade If Off : The haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate

I Wish You Would :  We were a crooked love in a straight line down

Bad Blood : Band-aids don’t fix bullet holes

Wildest Dreams : You see me in hindsight tangled up with you all night

How You Get The Girl : Stand there like a ghost shaking come the rain

This Love :  Clear blue water, high tide came and brought you in

I Know Places : Lose lips sink ships all the damn time

Clean : Rain came pouring down when I was drowning, that’s when I could finally breathe

Wonderland : You search the world for something else to make you feel like what we had

You Are In Love :  You understand now why they lost their minds and fought the wars, and why I’ve spent my whole life try to put it into words

New Romantics : I could build a castle out of all the bricks they threw at me

[suga-ssi]

BTS You Never Walk Alone - Spring Day MV Theory: The Untold Story

by: @sugasuite (edited: 170222 for pt 7)

Whose story is often unheard and untold?

The Discriminated… The Minorities…

When Kim Namjoon said You Never Walk Alone was the Untold Story… He wasn’t kidding. BigHit has done it again! Though this MV also fit the story of the boys’ journey, they still managed to discuss an underlying controversial issue.

SYMBOLISMS:

1.     OMELAS: DISCRIMINATION OF THE WEAK

In case you haven’t read the story… Here is a rundown

First of all, let me say, this story is riveting in both its simplicity and complexity; and you could finish it in less than 15 minutes. The Ones Who Walk Away from Omelas is an award winning short story written by Ursula Le Guin. The story starts with the narrator describing a utopian place called Omelas as the Summer Festival starts. Everything about the city is idealistic and the narrator even invites the reader to imagine his/her own utopian scenario and imagine that to be Omelas because Omelas’ perfection and happiness was hard to simply describe. The narrator claims that the people of Omelas were not stupid, that this was not the reason why they were happy, but he also states that the people of Omelas lived without guilt.

As vague and hard as it was for the narrator to describe Omelas, her description of the small, frail impoverished child was vivid. People of Omelas knew about the child’s existence, locked in a small basement but none of them helped or saved the child. The narrator believes that the child served as reminder for the people of a world opposite to what they have. The absence of the child makes what they have pointless and therefore the child’s existence was poignant for their system.

The more incredible part though, the part that got the narrator amazed, were the people who left Omelas. Those who chose to walk alone away from the surfaced perfection toward the unknown when they have seen the child.

In the MV you can see how their initial excitement of being in Omelas slowly changed. As if taking in what Omelas truly was. 

Kookie goes to the desolate Omelas where ironically the No Vacancy sign was still lit. Like how minorities are refused entry when clearly there is still room. 

In the end, unlike in the book where the citizens who face the realities of Omelas left alone, they all left Omelas together.

2.     Snow Piercer: DISCRIMINATION OF THE CLASSES

Snowpiercer was a movie released in 2013. in the movie, the world was set into an infernal winter after an experiment to solve global warming backfires. The remaining survivors were those on board the Snowpiercer. By 2031, segregation was eminent. Elites inhabit the extravagant front cars and the “scum” inhabit the tail in squalid and brutal conditions. Under watch by guards, they are brought only gelatinous protein bars to eat and kept in their place in the social order by Minister Mason, while sometimes small children are taken away.

RICH SECTION:

POOR SECTION:

Kinda Hunger Games-ish huh?

Rebellion broke out because it seemed like the oppressed have finally had enough. Many died due to the rebellious attacks and the head of the keeper of the peace for the Snowpiercer told the leader of the revolution that it was he who planned the rebellion to reduce the population and maintain the balance of the sealed ecosystem, and subsequently orders the elimination of 74% of the remaining tail passengers. He explains the importance of using fear and chaos to maintain a necessary order and leadership on the train.

The leader of the revolution almost accepted the offer of the head peace keeper to lead what remained of the Snowpiercer but decided to continue the fight when he learned that small children from the tail section are being trapped as replacement parts for “extinct” machinery and that those in the tail section were literally being kept alive for spare parts.

In the end, an explosion happens that causes an avalanche. The train gets derailed and only two survive, one girl and one boy. They alight the train and see a polar. They learn that life was actually possible outside the oppressive train.

In the MV, Kookie and RM is shown riding the train but they keep entering the doors at the back. The train traverses a snowy terrain.

When the line stops, they all go down together and see a dying tree amidst a grassy field. It was the only semblance of life present, but it was enough to hang their shoe on it and mark the place as theirs.

3.     Safety Pin Earrings: FIGHT AGAINST DISCRIMINATION

“#Safetypin I’m an ally… All those exposed to hate and violence, you’re not alone….”

No, it’s not a fashion statement, there is a deeper meaning.

4.     Laundromat/ Segregation: RACIAL DISCRIMINATION

Honestly, where else can the term segregation be used that seems publicly acceptable?

Whites separated from colored.

This reminded me of a racial case I studied in law school, Yick Wo vs Hopkins 118 U.S. 356 (1886) (Who the F? would have thought I’d use that shit here?) 

The immigration of Chinese to California began in 1850 at the beginning of the Gold Rush. As the Chinese became more successful, tensions with Americans grew. Californians were wary of the cultural and ethnic differences.

Yick Wo, was a laundry facility owned by Sang Lee. After twenty years of owning the facility as an undocumented immigrant, provisions set out by the San Francisco Board of Supervisors said that he could not continue to run his business due to an ordinance that was evidently racially targeted against all Chinese business owners.

This case was the first case where the United States Supreme Court ruled that a law that is race-neutral on its face, but is administered in a prejudicial manner, is an infringement of the Equal Protection Clause in the Fourteenth Amendment to the U.S. Constitution.

In the MV you can see that the blacks and whites inside were mixed. Whites, Blacks, toss it in! They’re one and the same.

5.     Mountain of Clothes: ALL EQUAL!

In 2010, Christian Boltanski created a 40-foot-tall art installation at the Park Avenue Armory.

For Boltanski, clothes are simply a placeholder for 6000 real human beings who lived real lives. He told a journalist, “In my work there have always been a lot of photos of people, heartbeats of people—for me the clothing are people.” The magnitude of the pile illustrates the heaviness of all the hearts now lost.

In this work, Boltanski said that the mountain was an eternal afterlife of sorts, where every individual rests after death. In Boltanski’s view, we are all mixed together in death, no longer the distinct individuals we were in life. We become part of a great pile, individual pieces that have lost their minute details — a single, colossal entity.

This piece of art has been made in various cities all over the world.

BTS made themselves part of this mountain, a symbol of unity in lives lost due to discrimination.

6.     Nods to the Sewol Ferry Tragedy: INJUSTICE

So many questions about these shoes. What I know… Jimin picked it up from the shore… and looked pale, kinda like he drowned.

It could honestly have so many meanings…

But given that this is an injustice close to their hearts, they might be giving nods to the Sewol Ferry tragedy.

The Sewol Ferry was a passenger ferry that capsized on 16 April 2014, killing 304 of the 476 people on board. More than 300 passengers were Danwon High School pupils on an organised trip, but only 75 students survived.

Months later, the captain of the ferry escaped the death penalty and has instead been sentenced to 36 years in jail for his role in the tragedy. 

Prosecutors had demanded the death penalty and before the trial even started, President Park Geun-hye made a public statement condemning the crew’s action, saying that their decision to abandon ship had been “tantamount to murder”. The sentence means that the captain, aged 69, is likely to spend the rest of life in jail. In protest, friends and families of the victims laid out the shoes of the victims along with yellow cards and ribbons. 

In December 2016, it was brought to light that 9000 artists were discriminated and blacklisted for criticizing the government and having a dissenting opinion in the Sewol case. In January, media leaked that Bangtan and Bighit donated money to the families of the Sewol family victims.

In the end of the video, Jimin is again looking sullen and holding the shoes.He was looking at the tree as if deciding what to do with it.

Another symbolism with a lot of interpretations in the video is the “shoes on the wire”. One other possible meaning for this is to give honor to the memory of a life lost.

7. The Yellow Ribbon: Symbol of Hope and Unity

The yellow ribbon has been used as a symbol of hope all over the world for a multitude of causes. From the desire for the return of American hostages held in Tehran between 1979 and 1981 to a fight against a dictatorship from a 21 year long regime in the Philippines in 1986. 

The L finger symbol stood for the Filipino word “LABAN” which means FIGHT

For some it became a symbol of home coming and being reunited, hence the famous English song with lines that go, “Tie a yellow ribbon round the old oak tree”. It symbolizes the hope of freedom, justice and return. This yellow ribbon has held different meanings to different groups of people but in all those times, it served one purpose, to be a symbol of unity for those part of a cause.

In South Korea, the yellow ribbon started as a symbol of hope for the return of 9 missing children from the Sewol Ferry Tragedy but it slowly grew to be more than that. It served as a reminder that the families that sought justice did not stand alone. The government slowly saw this as a symbol of rebellion and defiance. In truth, it sent a silent but unified message against the people who were the source of the injustice committed. 

In the MV, you see Kookie having sole awareness (my obnoxious way of saying he was dead ass staring at the camera) while everyone was a moving blur.

After a while, he seemed to slowly realize that everyone else was moving around him and he joins the crowd.

Two possible meanings. First, the pessimistic view, is that Kookie was the one aware of the issues but no one else was. Everyone else was going about their own business and eventually Kookie joined the crowd…

The second possible meaning? The one I prefer. The more optimistic view, is that due to the movement of everyone around him, Kookie became aware of the need to move and act and joined the movement for the yellow ribbon cause.

Though sometimes you feel like you stand alone in the crowd fighting for something… look around, look closely… there are more people who understand your plight. Never stop moving. Eventually, if your cause is truly powerful, more people will move with you.

CONCLUSION!

Bangtan’s message was clear. For those who suffered injustice or have been discriminated against for being part of a minority, we know your untold stories. Your road may be unknown but YOU NEVER WALK ALONE

From the Book: The Ones who Walk Away from Omelas

Each one goes alone, youth or girl man or woman. Night falls; the traveler must pass down village streets, between the houses with yellow-lit windows, and on out into the darkness of the fields. Each alone, they go west or north, towards the mountains. 

“They go on. They leave Omelas, they walk ahead into the darkness, and they do not come back. The place they go towards is a place even less imaginable to most of us than the city of happiness. I cannot describe it at all. It is possible that it does not exist. But they seem to know where they are going, the ones who walk away from Omelas.”

From The Movie Inception:

Cobb: You’re waiting for a train. A train that’ll take you far away. You know where you hope this train will take you. But you can’t know for sure. Yet it doesn’t matter. Now, tell me why?  Mal: Because we’ll be together! 

See the difference? :)

[heofthesky]

Aurora

For Hillary

October 11th, 1940, Belfountain, Ontario

“Careful now. Almost there. Easy steps, just a moment now!” Aurora says as she guides blindfolded Benjamin down the riverbank.

“Might I ask,” he says between lengthy breaths, trying his best not to fall upon the maze of rocks and twigs on the forest floor. “Just exactly - where is it - we are headed?”

“I’ve already told you. It’s a simply going to be surprise!”

“‘It’s simply going to be a surprise’, is not a place, if I am correct. Besides, it is nearly noon, shouldn’t we be -”

“Just hold my hand! I promise, it’s going to be beautiful.”

Beautiful. Benjamin stumbled with the word momentarily. Beauty had never been of value in this early life of his. At least it hadn’t just yet.

Aurora, left hand in Benjamin’s right, pauses where the trail met the water and sits him by the rocks.

“Tell me, dear, fearful Benjamin” She states rhetorically, with a hidden smile. “What is it you see.”

“How could I possibly see? You’ve put a blindfold on me!”

She laughs, a laugh that is so familiar to Benjamin he could practically see it with his eyes closed: her soft dimples meeting her cheekbones, her green eyes momentarily closing behind wrinkled eyelids.

“Listen to the birds’ symphony behind the trees. And the gentle lapsing of the water by the lakeside. Isn’t it just magnificent? Oh! The vivid colours of autumn never cease to astonish me. Like a grand cacophony of colour - reds, oranges, yellows - it’s a harmony of beauty! You’ve got to picture it in your mind as if it’s a painting, every avid detail in the bark on the trees, to the sounds in the distance, and the softness in the ground.” Aurora speaks with a fiery passion in her words, swinging her arms in the air, nearly falling into a patch of wildflowers. “You’ve got to be grateful for every aspect that makes the now beautiful before it turns into what was.”

For a moment the forest seemed to cease of all time, and all was quiet except for the rustling of Aurora’s oil paint set opening.

“Well. I can smell the odour of those oils of yours.” Benjamin comments. “But I am still unsure about what it is you’d like me to do. Could I take this blindfold off now?”

“It’s not about what you see. It’s about how you feel.” Aurora says, staring in to the sky. “Tell me. What does the world make you feel?”

Benjamin, confused, tried to colour a picture in his mind. “I - I don’t know. I can’t describe it.” “Let it come to you naturally. Art takes time. Patience.” Aurora begins to clean her paintbrushes, unfolds her easel steadily along the pebbles,

and places on it a fresh powdery canvas.

“Well, I think I see clouds, yes, lots of clouds. They’re floating between an extravagant blue sky. Sunlight is beaming right behind them, turning them into silhouettes, casting shadows on all the trees.” Benjamin says silently.

White paint accompanied with a touch of blue contrast on the side of Aurora’s palette. She mixes them into a subtle tone of blue and begins to fill delicate brushstrokes into the sky.

“Tell me more!” She exclaims, holding a paintbrush in one hand and her palette in the other.

“The trees, they stand so - imperfectly. They don’t need to flower to be pretty. They are just their authentic selves, with their withered bark and spanning branches. And the forest floor below them is a medley of autumn colours. It reminds me of childhood - on Sunday afternoons in the glen near our home, collecting leaves and arranging them by colour.” Benjamin pauses to smile. “It feels like home.”

Aurora’s brush paints the mahogany of tree trunks and their entwining roots into the surface of leaves on the ground. With each bristle she creates the brilliant texture in the withered brown bark on the branches and trunks, tracing each crevice, each knot. Below them, she contrasts a sea of orange, brown, and green to imitate the myriad of fallen leaves resting about the forest floor.

“The water is still as glass, reflecting the forest’s colours in a crisp manner. The air is calm, and the wind is soft. One by one, leaves fall slowly unto the surface of the water, like the trees are saying one last goodbye before winter.” Benjamin said, fluently this time.

Using his words as a guide, Aurora paints swiftly the mirrored reflection of the lake, softening the tones of blue as they interlace with the flaming colours of the trees. Squinting, she pencils in the hidden details in the ripples around the floating leaves, the established networks of roots and few birds dancing in the sky.

A silence.

“Benjamin, it’s beautiful.” She says, stepping a few steps back and marvelling what they had created. “Absolutely beautiful.”

“What is?” “What you’ve made.” “What I have made?” Aurora, distracted by the bewilderment of the painting, could not answer - she couldn’t

possibly formulate an answer for something as incredible as what stood before them. “I don’t quite understand.” Benjamin mutters. Aurora brushes his curly brown hair to the left, carefully removing the blue blindfold

from behind his freckled ears. He opens his eyes slowly, adjusting to the midday light.

December 4th, 1940, Toronto, Ontario

Aurora stares out the frosted window, searching for stars in the frigid winter night, but her peripheral vision can only obscure into spheres of colourful light - she cannot find any; for there are tears in her eyes.

In the shadows, Benjamin lies upon a bed of floral linen, unconscious of the world around him, the future that lies inevitably ahead.

Aurora places a chair by the bedside as she lights a lantern, carefully and silently placing it on a coffee table by the window, orienting it in just the right angle to illuminate Benjamin’s resting body with a glare of golden light.

So innocent, so fragile. she thinks. Like a teardrop in the sea.

Outside their home, just few minutes walk away, awaits a train. The next morning it will depart, destined for Nova Scotia. From there, a battalion of men will be escorted to ship aboard the S.S. Warspite, accompanied by the British forces, expected to arrive in Norway in two weeks time. Miles and miles, an entire continent and one ocean away, Benjamin sleeps with a ticket in his left coat pocket, with the words UNION STATION: HALIFAX WED DEC 5TH 1940. ONE WAY inscribed in gold lettering.

Despite the momentary squeaks in the wooden floorboards, Aurora keeps quiet enough to walk across the room without disturbing Benjamin’s slumber. On the desk, she ruffles about a clutter of unfinished sketches and pencils, looking for a paintbrush and some water-colours. In the corner of her teary eyes, where the lantern’s light is barely able to reach, she spots a pile of folded clothing in a recognizable forest green. She sighs as she holds a red beret to her heart, letting a tear fall down the bridge of her nose, around her cheekbones and onto the wooden floor.

In the hallway, an array of Aurora’s finished works line tidily along the walls. Arranged in chronological order, they appear from oldest near the entrance, transforming gradually into more recent paintings as one nears the room. She walks to them, placing her hand softly on their elegant silver frames, one by one. Winter, a landscape painting of silver birch trees on a snow covered pasture, catches her eye. She smiles, remembering that day clearly; the refreshening cold in the breeze, the crisp blue of the sky. Solstice, a composition of green and yellow watercolours creating a halcyon evening in Summer by the ocean of Prince Edward Island, stuns her with a sudden nostalgia - a strong sense of belonging to shelter in the safety of the past.

As she reaches the end of the hall, reliving her life’s timeless captures stored safely in frames, she notices a vacancy - a space left unoccupied by the maroon painted walls. Just enough room for one more painting, she thinks.

December 5th, 1940, Union Station, Toronto, Ontario

“It won’t be so long.” Benjamin says, his voice crystallizing into icy air. “I promise.”

The train station is rather busy for a Wednesday morning. Crowds of maroon, navy and brown coats scatter busily about the platform. Mothers kiss the blushing cheeks of well-groomed young men in military uniforms, babies bundled in wool-knit blankets cry, doves fly unnoticed above the scene. For many of these people, it would be the last time they would see their brothers, sons and friends again, becoming lost somewhere overseas.

Aurora plays with Benjamin’s yellow scarf, tying it and untying it again. She cannot bare to look in his eyes as static nerves fill her blood.

“Are you afraid?” Benjamin asks. “Afraid of what?” Aurora says, this time staring at the ground. “That I won’t come back.” “I am afraid,” Aurora says, battling her tears, “That you will come back different.”

Benjamin chuckles. “I used to tell my mother as a child time ago, during this time of year, Ma, what has happened to our garden? The flowers are gone. It used to be so pretty. And she would smile and say, Benjamin, the garden you see now is just as pretty as the garden you have seen in summer. It will be the same garden next year too, when the flowers finally bloom again.”

Aurora manages a subtle smile, cascading into a mixture of happy and solemn tears. They embrace tightly, Benjamin resting his cheek on Auroras neck, arms in arms, heart by heart.

The station’s timekeeper exclaims 8 o’clock with a few single notes of a bell: fifteen minutes until departure. Men gather there belongings and wave off their accompanies, some with distraught faces as cold as the day, some are brightened as they chase a new horizon into another world.

Aurora shuffles in her backpack, bringing out a rectangular package tied with string and a bow. “Merry Christmas Benjamin!” She says, finding the last of her joy, hidden somewhere inside her. “Don’t open it until the morning of the 25th, okay? Or else.”

“Or else what?” Benjamin says with a smirk.

“Or I’ll - I’ll, wear your favourite sweater while drinking a cup of coffee. You know just about how obnoxious I am, especially with coffee, don’t you? Spilling it everywhere. It’d be a shame I got it on your tidy white sweater.”

“Okay, okay, you got me. I just hope it’s not those terrible blue socks you’d got me last year. They make my feet smell.”

Aurora laughs, the same bright laugh he had known all his life. I won’t ever forget that smile. He thinks, stencilling the outline of her lips as if his memory were a sketchbook.

Aurora coughs, straightening her posture. “Now, you better be off now you.”

Benjamin looks down. “One more thing.” He reaches in his left pocket, taking out a compact box containing a candle in it. He hands it to Aurora.

The entire station, rustling with madness and shouts, simply becomes white noise. “Promise me” Benjamin starts, “that you’ll be my light.” He makes his way, disappearing into the crowd before the train. Aurora stands still,

trying to relocate him with her wandering eyes, finally finding his head appear inside a square window, their eyes meeting once again.

“I promise.” Aurora says, as the train slowly begins on it’s route. -

December 24th, 1940, Northeastern Norway

The moonrise casts a silver incandescence onto the adjacent sides of the arrays of Nordic mountains, turning the snow into thousands of individual lanterns reflecting the sea of starry sky above. Besides the occasional rabbit scurrying by and the odd sparrow in the afternoon sky, Benjamin is alone, not a soul in the nearest proximity to speak to, not a sign of life. All that lingers in the air is a frozen solitude, and the silent whispers of the ghosts lost in the Arctic ice.

In the distance a village burns. Benjamin lies, half immobilized by the frost and a wounded arm, in a small patch of fir trees miles away from the attack. The Soviet forces had

withstood that of the British, occupying the town and sending it into a bright flame. The troops, at least the last he knew of them, had either perished in the fire or had fled south towards the ship. He himself had hardly made it out the grim scene; angry fire igniting every forefront, thousands of untamed bullets flying in the air around him and helpless screams - voices that could have easily been his. He had managed to flee from the crossfire with the grace of the north star above him, following it until there wasn’t a threat in sight. Sheltered under the hospitality of a dozen Christmas trees, he lies, unsure he will survive this night alone.

In his side-pack there is just enough room for the small boxed gift Aurora had gave him the morning he had left. Though its package had been ruined by the snow and smeared with his own blood, the contents remain intact enough to survive the wintry cold.

Behind a paralyzed face and despite all he had witnessed, Benjamin tries to smile. He opens the present, stumbling with his numb fingers.

I’m sorry Aurora. He thinks. He hasn’t the energy to speak, not even to himself. I said I would hold it to the morning of the twenty fifth, but I’m not sure I can... survive, that is. It is Christmas after all. I truly hope it has been wonderful for you and your family this year.

After multiple attempts, Benjamin is able to open the wooden box. Inside it, not to his surprise, reveals a rich collection of watercolours, three paintbrushes and one canvas - a complete professional grade watercolour set. Attached to it with string is an envelope, signed elegantly in cursive: Benjamin, Love Aurora.

He tries to comprehend exactly what it was Aurora wanted to with a watercolour set while at war in the arctic. Yet he knew that Aurora had a mysterious ways of surprising him, especially with the most amazing gift of all - happiness.

Excitedly, he opens the envelope, anxious to read what is written inside.

Dear Benjamin,

I suppose that you are reading this on the morning of December 25th, like you had said you would. I also hope that Christmas in the mountains (How incredibly jealous I am of you! Painting in the arctic should be astonishing!) is full of joy and bliss. I will miss you unconditionally. Not that I can’t get by on my own, you know I am one hell of a woman, but your presence will dearly missed.

Use this watercolour set. I won’t say how, or why, definitely not what you should use it for. Just use it. Trust me.

And make sure to go to bed on time. 8:30.

Love, Aurora

Like a lantern filling a room with a burst of golden light, inside Benjamin ignites a feeling, a feeling that could illuminate the entire dark world around him with a spark of hope.

December 24th, 1940, Toronto, Ontario

A lavender scented candle in the corner of the room is just enough of a light-source for Aurora to paint in. First, she outlines the profile of his face with a 2B pencil, making sure each

crevice, each flaw is accounted for - his uneven jawline and the blemishes around his left cheek just under his eye. She wants to paint him raw; entirely, unconditionally authentic.

But she cannot contain it all; the worries, the sadness. Aurora had found herself in Benjamin, unknowingly, her entire life, and now he is thousands of miles away, across the world. Her hand trembles with desperation, causing her to knock the canvas from it’s easel, sending paint jars crashing on the floor. She collapses into the oily mess, pulling the ends of her hair off her scalp, slamming the hardwood floor with her knuckles. Placing her nose on the floor, she cries the rest of her tears. She screams, but no one can hear. It is only her now, alone.

In the darkness of the small room, the candlelight steadily continues its flame. It casts shaking shadows across the right side of the room, painting the rest with a delicate gold coating.

“I will be your light.” Aurora says, and then quietly falls to sleep. December 27th, 1940, Northeastern Norway

I wonder where it is you might be right now, Benjamin thinks, facing westward towards the stars.

A trail of footprints follows his lonesome shadow, traveling into the horizon of an open field of arctic tundra. For all he can see, there are no mountains, no fjords or trees; just a vastness of crystal blue.

For days Benjamin has been walking, with no concrete direction in mind, searching for hope, somewhere beyond the snow and ice. But his exhaustion has worn him down, turning his legs into icicles taking in the wind and shattering onto the floor with a sharp numbness. The entire left side of his face, the beautiful features that Aurora had learned to adore, had fell into a frostbitten sleep, his skin degrading as the night gets colder.

This would be a nice place to die, he thinks, under all these stars.

Benjamin lies in the snow as a myriad of snowflakes slowly dance in the air, landing on his sore body, burying him gradually in a soft coat of death.

Like a delicate paintbrush filling in the sky, a vivid stroke of green appears between the stars. It continues its luminous streak from one horizon to another, as if the cosmos had become one harmonious masquerade, dancing, shimmering as the night lingers on. Then, with a bright entrance, a dash of purple intertwines with the green, spinning into a blend of astonishing light.

Despite the resistance of the icy cold mending his eyelashes into crystals, Benjamin opens them, watching the beauty unfold itself out before him.

June 8th, 1968, Tobermory, Ontario

The doorbell rings.

Aurora is in the living room, setting a few mugs neatly on the doily that envelopes her cedar wood table. She is startled by the suddenness of the company, as they weren’t to be expected until three. It is only noon.

She takes a breath to calm her nerves and bites her smiling lip. The doorbell rings once again.

Stepping onto the threshold, she rehearses the lines in her scattered mind.

Hello there, old friend. How nice it is to see you. Come, come inside! Would that be coffee or tea?

She opens the door with a shaking wrist, letting the golden sunshine rush into the house, unto the walls and of course, illuminating a visible path for her personal exhibit of finished artworks decorating the entirety of the hallway.

Outside, a man in navy corduroy overalls sits in a wheelchair, half smiling.

“Miss Aurora! A delight. How long has it been? Not that it should matter. I’ve missed you ever since!”

“Sir Benjamin,” she pirouettes as if greeting a King or a Princess. “How do you do?”

The reunited couple laugh in unison, the laugh they had been waiting to let out of their lungs for almost three long decades.

Almost as if it was yesterday we were in the train station, Benjamin thinks as he marvels Aurora’s glistening smile, dimple to dimple.

“Come inside now you! This coffee has only been waiting twenty eight years.” She helps him in the door and walks him down the corridor of paintings. Together they sit in the living room by the vast windows that exhibit Aurora’s lush, vibrant garden, letting the afternoon sun kiss their aged skin.

“Those peonies, they truly are beautiful. I tried to plant them last year, except it is quite challenging to maintain a garden while in a wheelchair. Although, I would love to learn from your expertise.” Benjamin says, taking a bite of lemon loaf.

Aurora pauses before speaking. “Beautiful. I have never, not once in all of our endeavours, heard you use that word.” She cannot help but laugh.

Benjamin happily sighs, as if he knew she would ask this question all along. “I owe it to you. You’ve taught me a thing or too about that word.” He says. “Have I?” “You indeed have. You know, it hasn’t been easy, living like this.”

“It mustn’t be.”

“And after all these years, I’ve come to realize I wouldn’t change a single thing. Not about going to war. Not anything about this life of mine.”

For a moment, the house is quiet, except for a few birds singing in the trees.

“And it’s because of you, Aurora. You’ve taught me a way to see the beautiful things, even amidst the terrible.” Benjamin starts again. “I’ve kept you close to me throughout all these years. That’s why I’m here today. It’s why I’ve become an artist.”

Aurora begins to cry joyfully. Both their hands interlock naturally, like roots of a tree entwining into the ground.

“Here,” Benjamin says as he pulls a rectangular canvas from his side-pack. “I want you to have this.” He shows her a painting, blossoming with green and purple, imitating a galaxy of stars over an arctic tundra scene. It is a watercolour painting of the Aurora Borealis.

In the corner signs: To Aurora, Love Benjamin in a penciled cursive. Aurora smiles. “I know just the place for it.” she says.