#''just give me a number / instead of my name'' listen. listen. experiment 13

[mamawasatesttube]

hear me out. "close every door" from joseph and the amazing technicolor dreamcoat could be a kon song. at least kind of. hear me out okay

[messers-moony]

Wish | F.H

Paring: Five Hargreeves X Wife!Reader

Summary: Five storms out to time travel after an argument with his wife and comes back to an unexpected surprise.

A/N: Five time travels at the age of 26 instead of 13

He was angry, that wasn’t mistaken, “ You aren’t listening to me! “

“ Are you hearing yourself?! What you’re about to do is dangerous! “ She yelled in response, and he scoffed.

They stood in the main room of their apartment. Y/n was placed in the kitchen leaning on the island while Five was dangerously close to the door. Both of them at the age of twenty-five. They had gotten married only a year before finding each other during one of his trips to Griddy’s with his siblings. He thought she was the prettiest thing he had ever seen.

Five stalked closer to her, “ You are so stubborn. “

“ I am the strongest one. “ His voice was dangerously low as they stood only a foot apart, “ I will do this. I don’t care what you say. Nothing will change that. “

“ Five, please. “ Y/n begged, “ I’m- I’m just worried about you. “

“ You don’t need to be. “ Five snapped, and he fast-walked to the door.

The male swung open the door, “ Five wait, please- “ But before she could finish, the door slammed, “ I’m pregnant. “

It was new news. She didn’t find out until a week earlier. She didn’t know when to tell him; there never was a suitable time. Now he had just threatened to fulfill a lifetime goal of his– time travel. Since he was a boy, he’s wanted to prove his worth. The only way Five could think to do that is by time-traveling into the future. He didn’t know what the future would entail. He definitely didn’t plan to get stuck in an apocalypse.

So for nine torturous months, Y/n endured a pregnancy. She was carrying a child of her presumed to be dead husband, which she didn’t believe in the slightest. Five Hargreeves was alive, and she knew that regardless of what anyone told her. She had a baby boy who she named Malachi. The same bright, alluring green as his fathers.

Despite his birth father not being around, Diego was a significant help. Diego stepped in where Five couldn’t. He was there for all of Malachi’s firsts and everything in between. But he was always Uncle Diego. A constant reminder that this man wasn’t his father. As far as the little boy knew, he didn’t have a father.

Things got more tricky as he got older. Malachi realized that a father figure was more common than not, which brought raising questions. She answered to the best of her abilities, but nothing was ever valid. None of her answers could be a hundred percent true because she didn’t know either. It was killing her to see her son this way.

He longed for a father. Wanted nothing more for a father-son relationship. Every birthday, every Christmas, he wished for his father to come home. It was killing Y/n because she understood his pain. The amount of dread, guilt, and sadness.

Maybe if she had told Five sooner, he would’ve never left. The guilt ate away at her. It was like an insect slowly crawling its way under her skin into her bones and nibbling them until they were gone. It didn’t help Malachi was an exact replica of his father. The dark, almost raven hair parted to the side, the glittering green eyes and a defined face.

No matter how long Five was gone, Y/n never took off her rings. She was a married woman until proven otherwise. Malachi had never even seen photos of his father. That was normal to him. All he knew was that his Uncles and Aunts told him he looked the exact same. Despite the same appearances, they had clashing personalities.

Malachi was the sweetest guy you could ever meet. Kind no matter who the person was. Wise beyond his years and intelligent like no other. His strong suit was English while he struggled in math. The irony was amusing. His father excelled in math, but he couldn’t do a two-step equation if he tried.

In the grand scheme of things, this didn’t matter. He got all the way up to high school. He was seventeen, to be exact, in his junior year of school. It was the summer before his senior year, and he couldn’t be more excited. As the years went on, the hope of meeting his father diminished to the point where he didn’t even think about it anymore.

He had his mom, and that’s all that mattered. His mom was his rock, his number one supporter, and his best friend. Malachi loved his mom more than anything and would give anything to keep her safe. Diego had grown to be like a father to him, but it was never the same. Malachi was sitting at the island doing homework while Y/n was cooking.

“ Hey, mom? “ He called, “ Yeah? “ Y/n turned to look at her son.

Malachi fidgeted with the pencil in his hand, “ Can I- Can I see your rings? “

“ My rings? Why? “ She asked, “ Well, dad gave them to you, didn’t he? “ Malachi replied.

Y/n nodded, “ Of course he did. We were married, technically we still are married. “

“ I just wanted to see what dad gave you. “ He murmured.

Hesitantly Y/n twisted both her engagement ring and her wedding ring off her left ring finger. She set them down on the granite island before her son so he could look at them. Gently he picked the engagement ring up and looked at it. It was the only time he’s ever seen the ring this close. She never took them off.

“ We got engaged in the snow. “ Y/n informed quietly, “ I really wasn’t expecting it. He never seemed like one to settle down. “

Malachi listened intently, “ Regardless. It was almost Christmas, and he took me to go Christmas shopping at one of the malls which was outside. “ She chuckled, “ Why he did that, I don’t know, but it was amusing. We got hot chocolate despite his love for coffee, and I made him wear a Santa hat. “

“ He was never into festivities before meeting me. Neither were your Aunts and Uncles. I started making holidays become more festive when you were born. Eventually, they got the hang of it. “ Y/n continued, “ Why was dad's name a number? “ He interjected.

“ He never got a name like the rest of his siblings. “ She answered plainly, “ Why? “

Y/n sighed, “ His father, more specifically your grandfather was a cruel man. Still is a very cruel man, which is why you’ve never met him. Reginald made the Umbrella Academy, where he adopted your dad along with his other siblings. “ She explained, “ They endured long days of training without breaks and horrid living environments. They were treated as experiments rather than children. “

“ They all got names, but Five didn’t want one. He rejected it because it didn’t matter. Name or anything. Their numbers would always define them, and Five was the only one who understood that. “ She finished.

“ What really happened to him? I know you’ve given me vague explanations, but I think I’m ready for the real thing. “ Malachi stated, “ I’m seventeen now. “

“ I know. Your father had powers. His others siblings do as well. They all do certain things. Five could travel through space and time. “ Y/n began, “ Growing up, he always felt the need to prove himself, to be better than everyone else. “

“ So, one day, he told me he was going to time travel. It was a big argument that definitely didn’t need to happen. At the time, I was a week pregnant with you, and I didn’t know how to tell him. “ She swallowed the emotions arising after remembering Five’s glare,

“ When I told him, it was too late. He was already out the door and gone. “

Y/n walked forward and took the rings back. She placed them back on her ring finger carefully as her son watched every movement. He knew she was upset. Malachi couldn’t help but be a bit resentful towards his father. All this to make a point? It seemed far-fetched.

“ That solution seems a bit absurd. “ Malachi commented, “ That's what I was trying to tell him, but he was very prideful and stubborn. “ Y/n replied.

A knock echoed through the apartment. The room felt tense. It wasn’t right; something felt off. Malachi felt it immediately cause he stood up and began walking to the door, wanting to protect his mother if a threat was there. Secretly Diego may have given him some defense classes, but that didn’t matter.

The boy opened the door to see almost the exact same face staring back at him, “ Who are you? “ Malachi snapped.

“ More importantly, who are you? “ The man retorted.

Every hair on Y/n’s body stood up. She knew that voice, and she knew that tone. It was him. He was back. It took everything inside her not to scream or cry but seeing Malachi hold his defensive stance against his own father was worrying her.

“ Malachi. “ She called, and he turned to her as she began to walk to the door, “ I need you to go to your room and promise not to eavesdrop. “

He wanted to protest, “ Please, sweet. I’ll be okay. I promise. “

Reluctantly Malachi backed away from the door giving the man a harsh glare that made the man evidently tense. Y/n waited for Malachi to be fully retreated in his bedroom before looking at the man in front of her.

“ Well. It looks like you’ve moved on. “ Five murmured, “ No- please. It isn’t what it looked like. “ She pleaded.

Her hand took his, and he recognized the rings on her finger. The same rings Malachi had just been examining. The same rings he took months to search for to find the perfect fit for his perfect girl. Everything seemed so colorful in his greyscale world now. His wife was still his.

“ Who- Who is he? “ His voice trembled as his lingering suspicion felt more accurate than ever, “ Come in and sit. We need to talk. “ Her voice was gentle and held no malice.

Five entered the now unrecognizable apartment. It wasn’t the same as when he left. In fact, everything seemed moved out of place. Y/n walked to the stove and turned off the burner that she was using. Five had peered at the papers on the island that were math worksheets and took a seat beside them.

“ Where did you go? “ She asked, “ The future. “

“ No shit. What did it look like? “ Y/n retorted playfully, “ It’s not as I hoped. It’s an apocalypse, love. “ His voice held so much pent emotion it was almost radiating off him.

She sighed, “ Okay. We need to talk about that- “

“ I- I want to know who that kid is. “ Five interrupted, and she gave him a knowing look, “ Malachi, can you come out here. “ Y/n called, and instantly he was out of his room.

The boy stood beside his mom, still not comfortable with the unfamiliar man. This time Five got a chance to really look at the teenage boy in front of him. The defined face, the almost raven hair, the same sage green eyes. His posture was protective and territorial, obviously for his mom.

“ Y/n… “ Five began as he swallowed the tears in his throat, “ Is- Is he mine? “

She nodded, “ Five Hargreeves, I’d like you to meet your son, Malachi Hargreeves. Malachi, I’d like you to meet your father, Five. “

[han-shinsuke]

k o z u m e k e n m a

🔞🔞🌹🌹🌹

•f o r n i c a t i o n•

••••

If you ask people what it means to love and be loved, the answers you will get would be different, the luckiest ones would answer with positiveness, and those who had experienced afflictions and mishaps would probably tell you how painful and cruel love could be. Let's admit it, not all of us were made for love. And worst, there were instances where some of us were just born to carpet-bomb the person we love.

Love could build possibilities but it could also be the very source of our self-destruction.

“Aah~ there ‘yah go, Y/N~” for love, I can do things I never imagined I could. I would run miles for him. Burn bridges for him. Turn ideas into possibilities.

BE THAT ‘SOMEONE’ HE WISHES TO HAVE.

Believe me. Once you finished a day full of pretensions and lies, you’d end up asking yourself, ‘how long do you plan to be someone else's puppet?’

“Ken, do you feel good?” for love, his satisfaction shall always comes first on the line. Mine is the least important.

Kenma pulls me up from the marbled floor of his bedroom, gaze stained with lust. His fingers wiping the semen off the corner of my mouth. My body is still trembling from the activities earlier. I must keep up. He's not satisfied yet. He needed more. I shall do more for him.

Those orbs leered my face for minutes. Kenma answers, “yeah, you? still sore down there?” his gaze went down to what’s between my bite-marked thighs. He caresses my reddened knees. A familiar thin smile is plastered on his lips.

My breath got caught up in my throat when he slid a finger in my dampness before putting it inside his mouth and slurped the essence in it. The memory of what we've had done earlier flashes in my mind. Kenma splayed my legs in the camp site. I was pushed down on top of a picnic table, clothes discased. The wind was cold during sunset from the lakeside. Kenma was enjoying it. Who am I to stop him? He railed me from behind. Like how he prefers it.

“Y/N, lay down for me.” still trembling, I climbed up on his bed, ready to lay on my stomach.

For love, there's nothing I wouldn't do for him.

Kenma snakes his arms around my belly, stopping me from setting down completely.

“What it is, Ken?” My breathing’s rag from all the pounding and legs flipping.

“Lay on your back, Y/N.” I was moving very slow so he helped me out. He placed me on the bed, facing him. Kenma tied his long hair. Spreading my legs wide, I put my palms on his chest, head shaking.

“You don’t have to do this, Ken.” It’s part of the set up. He would fxck me only from behind. He would fxck me but I could never get to kiss him on the lips. He would fxck me, not LOOKING at my face for I am not the woman he dreamt of doing ‘it’ with.

He can’t have her right now but soon, he will. I’m just that sick in the head college girl who have been in love with his seatmate since freshman year.

You see, I am more like of a practice ground for him.

“I want to do it this way. Allow me.” He pins my hands above my head, nodding his head as if he's telling me it’s fine.

“Kenma~” I called out his name when his thing slid inside my sore womanhood for the nth time today.

Kenma hums in my neck, rocking me in slow pace. Our fingers intertwined. My body arching up occasionally whenever that ‘thing’ stretches my rim really good.

The bed just won't stop creaking just like how my heart won't stop from beating wild inside my chest whenever he tries to kiss me on the lips.

Don't, Kenma. Don’t break your own rules. I can't let that happen. It's a complete hypocrisy if I tell that I don't wish to be kissed by those lips. I long for it.

“D–Don’t.” My head turned to the other direction, avoiding his seeking lips. It hit my neck. He wanders his warmth there. Tongue gliding the bulging veins due to his slow but heavy pumping.

Sex is tiring. It really is. But it’s Kenma Kozume. I can still go on.

“Why won’t you let me kiss your lips, Y/N?” he stops moving, burying his weight on me. Kenma grabbed my face.

“Rule number 8. Kenma won't kiss the woman he don’t love.” for him, I won't cry. I won't cry. I lied. I was crying as I reminded him of his own rule. “I’m not her, Ken. I’m not the woman you love so don't kiss me.”

“Rule number 13. Kenma is allowed to break rule number 8.”

It was sweet. It was euphoric. A kind of kiss anyone would dream to experience.

And it tasted like sin. The way his lips glides against mine. The way his tongue tastes each corners. The way he nibbles both upper and bottom lip. Those are the ways I imagine if he would kiss me.

Those aren't ideas anymore. He had let me experienced how it feels like to be kissed by him. By the man I truly love.

“Hold on baby~ Hold on~” Kenma picked where we left off. He pulled. He dig. He buried.

And he kisses me. Repeatedly. While I am crying. While I'm holding out the sob that tries escaping my lips.

•••

5:12 AM

I woke up clean and dressed with Kenma's clothes. Last night was a chaos. I was forced to my limits. He took me in every positions he’d known. My cries and pleads were all useless. He didn't listen. He had done everything he pleased.

I sighed as I climbed down from the bed. Picking my bag and my discarded uniform from last night, another sigh rolls out from my mouth. I caught a glimpse of my reflection from the mounted mirror on the wall. I look tired and ugly. What a pity.

Kenma is probably out somewhere, thinking about his princess. He has habits of leaving me right after we had sex. I’m used to it anyway. I put face powder on my face and tied my messy curls.

This will be the end of our set up. He broken his rules. Our rules. Rule number 1. Broke any rule and it's over.

I texted Kenma and said my goodbye. He did not reply. Maybe he's smoking right now. Another habit of him, throwing his iphone at the backseat when he's puffing a cigarette.

I headed out and locked his room. I passed by on the reception area of the camping site that Kenma's family is running. I left the key to the assigned employee there.

I need to walk for ten minutes to reach the jeep terminal of the mountain road. Or maybe, walk my way home. That would be long and tiring! Or maybe, try to hitch hike.

The sun is rising and I think half an hour had passed by so easily. I saw an approaching red 4x4 from the distance. I raised my thumb and put on a smile. I looked like a lost girl on the mountain road wearing a white oversized shirt and a running short partnered with white highcut chucks. The windows are tinted so it's hard for me to tell the gender of the driver.

The car stopped in front of me. The driver's seat door opens, revealing a blonde-haired but clean cut Kenma Kozume!

He cut his hair! “where do you think you're going?” he asks, frowning.

My heart hammers in my chest, drowning me. I took a step backwards when he got out of the car.

“You got a new car.” a statement instead of an answer.

“Get in.” he try to get a hold of me but I took another steps.

“No. We’re done, Ken.” I said before walking away. I love him but I can't stay anymore. I would be just a hinder for his happiness if this shxt continue.

“Y/N! You can't leave me just like that!” Kenma yelled those. I looked back at him. He's already running slow. I panicked. I ran, too, faster than his pace.

“Fxck, Y/N!” Kenma caught up to me. He snatched my small frame. Dropping me above his shoulder.

“Ah! Put me down, Kenma!” he jogs his way back to his car, panting as he slams me into the backseat. He follows, shutting the door.

“You wish to leave me? You can't, Y/N! I am forbidding you!”

“I can't stay with you anymore, Ken. We are graduating. Remember her promise that after graduation, she would give you another chance to prove yourself to her? It's happening, you could finally have her back.”

“what if I say, I don't want her now? That I want someone else now? And she's now in front of me? Pushing me away because she thinks it is the right thing to do and it's heroic.”

“heroic? Do you think I’m doing this because I feel responsible for you? That it was a hero thing? No, Ken. You got it all wrong. I am doing this because this is what a person in love shall do. To free oneself. To not be greedy. I love myself, too, Ken. I want to be happy.”

For him, I can always try to be better. For him, I am willing to surrender. For him, I can always see love as a guiding light.

Kenma grabbed me on my jaw, inching his face closer to mine.

“Be happy? With whom? I won't let you.” he breathes on my lips, I shuddered. “I don't break rules, Y/N. You know that. But last night, I just did. For you. Because I fxcking realized that I can't stand a thought of you kissing another man. I am fxckingly and undoubtedly in love with you now!”

Kenma pressed his lips on mine. A tear escaped his eye. He pulled away. He rubbed his nose against mine. A noise traveled out from my closed lips. It was a sob. Kenma kissed me again. Tears are now brimming on his eyes.

“Idiot.” I said before pulling him for a kiss.

Kenma wrapped his arms around my body and kissed me back with intense emotions,

“let’s date for real.”

“And be the only man in my life.”

///

THANK YOU FOR READING ❤️☺️❤️

[xbaepsae]

the ebb and flow | part eight

“Of course, in your final moments of life, only he would occupy your thoughts.”

[demigod!jeongguk x demigod!reader]

genre: percy jackson!au, mythology!au, demigod!au, enemies to lovers!au

word count: 1.1k

rating: pg-13

warnings: language, near-death experience, vulnerability 

a/n: oof. sorry this chapter took so long to get out. hope you all enjoy it anyway! xoxo

→ series masterlist!

the fifth summer – in which he saves you

For as long as you can remember, you’ve never been too fond of water.

The first time you stepped foot into a big body of water—also known as, the community pool a few blocks away from your childhood home—you cried. For some reason, a lot of water terrified you. You tried taking lessons once, but your instructor couldn’t even get you to step within five feet of the pool.

And your father never forced you to go back.

Over the years, you’ve tried to lessen the fear. And for the most part, you’re not scared of water anymore. You can sit in pools and be on the beach just fine. The only thing is, you still haven’t learned how to swim.

It’s like your body is just incapable of doing so.

There are only a select number of people who know you can’t swim—Namjoon and Haru, to name a few. Which is why they tried to talk you out of doing the canoe races. The weather is always unpredictable, as you never know what the gods are bickering about. And your friends were right: something bad was bound to happen, which is why you should’ve listened to them earlier.

But your stupid ego always seems to be in the way.

As you sink further down into the depth of the water, fear and anxiety begin to fill your veins. Is this really how you’re going to die? Being a demigod means life isn’t certain because danger always lurks in the smallest of places; however, drowning has never been on your list of possible causes.

What a way to out of this world, y/n.

You could already see Charon waiting for you on that boat of his, ready to take you across the river and into the Underworld. A part of you wondered if he’d laugh at you—laugh at the pitiful way you died. Then again, you’ve heard enough stories to know his expression always remained stoic.

Maybe you’ll even end up in Elysium, though you’re not sure you’ve done enough good in the world to deserve a place there. All you’ve been concerned with these last few years is how to get Jeongguk back.

Jeongguk.

Of course, in your final moments of life, only he would occupy your thoughts. How rude and inconsiderate of him. You should be thinking about your sweet friends or your father—but no, the only thing you can see is Jeon Jeongguk’s stupid face in your mind.

Still, you do find it a bit ironic now; you’re terrified of water—literally drowning at the moment—and he’s the son of the sea god.

Life sure does work in mysterious ways.

***

Jeongguk’s POV

All the screaming makes him turn around.

Jeongguk takes a glance behind him, where Athena’s canoe wades only a few feet away. Most demigods feared weather like this—the wild winds and restless waters only promised destruction. But it doesn’t bother him.

This is his father’s domain and Jeongguk feels at ease.

Until he counts the members of Athena’s canoe and realizes that one person is missing—more specifically, you. For the first time in a while, he actually feels his chest tighten in fear. Where did you go? There isn’t anywhere to go—not for miles. Except—

“Oh my god, she can’t swim!”

One of the younger campers on your canoe screams this, and Jeongguk feels something hot settle in his stomach. Without a second thought, he dives into the water.

It doesn’t take him long to spot you, and it seems your half-sibling was right—you really can’t swim. As odd as that sounds to his ears, he swims to you anyway. At the sight of your closed eyes and limp body, a weird sensation tugs at his heart. Why do you have to look so damn vulnerable right now?

Jeongguk realizes then that he’d rather take your fire—the way you’re always challenging him and the anger you possessed—over this frail girl any day.

He wraps his arms around your frame easily, pulling you back to the surface without much difficulty. Lifting you into the canoe, he watches as your half-siblings rush to you. After they take one look at your pale complexion, one bursts into tears while the others rush to perform CPR.

For once, Jeongguk feels useless as he moves back into his own canoe that has pulled up beside Athena’s.

“That was impressive.”

Turning, Jeongguk notices another canoe has pulled up—probably wondering what all the commotion was. His eyes settle on the voice, and he tries not to roll his eyes. But when it concerns the son of Hades, he often cannot help himself.

“Don’t start getting any ideas, Min,” he scowls.

Yoongi has the audacity to smirk. “You said it, not me.”

“I did what any person would do.” Jeongguk doesn’t know why he’s being so defensive. He’s never this defensive.

“Right,” Yoongi hums. “Because saving your sworn rival is totally normal.”

Jeongguk wants nothing more than to rub that stupid look on Yoongi’s face away. Just because he is amicable with the son of Hades—a fellow demigod of the Big Three, and therefore someone he could relate to—it doesn’t mean he isn’t opposed to inflicting a hint of damage. Though, before he can do such a thing, there’s a coughing fit coming from Athena’s cabin.

Relief fills him at the sight of you coughing up water. That’s a good sign. You’re going to be okay.

“Let’s get her to the infirmary,” someone says, and Jeongguk watches as your cabin rushes back to shore.

The rest of the canoes soon follow; even though the weather is starting to clear up, and the winds aren’t as brisk anymore, there’s no point in continuing the races now. Not after what everyone just witnessed.

Once they’re back on shore, Jeongguk jumps out of the canoe and his feet seem to move on their own accord—towards the Big House. Towards the infirmary. What? He shakes his head and decides to go in the opposite direction.

“I saw that slight hesitation, Jeon.”

Jeongguk looks behind him, where Yoongi casually gives him a look. He realizes that Yoongi really seems to be getting a kick out of tormenting him today.

“You saw nothing,” he says, turning back around and towards the cabins instead.

Yoongi moves to match his pace, and Jeongguk looks down at the boy donned in all-black. He has no clue why the dress code doesn’t apply to the son of Hades. “Keep telling yourself that. Denial is normal.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Yoongi laughs. “I guess we’ll just have to see how this unfolds, don’t we?”

[kooktaebear]

If Only I Knew

Status: ONGOING (this is my first AU AHHH I’m excited to write the next couple of parts, but I hope this story gets a lot of love :~>)

Pairing: Jungkook x Reader

Summary: Y/N abruptly moved to Seoul after spending 21 years living alone in her hometown, Busan after the death of her parents. She now discovers through her best friends that drama can be a lot to handle, but as she starts to meet new people, she discovers that she had completely forgotten an important part of her past.

Warnings: mention of guns, blood and violence,

Genre: angst, WHOLE LOT OF FLUFF, slow burn

Word Count: 3.2k

Part One:

I step out of the bus and a gust of cold wind hits my face as I board the train. Why did I think of not wearing enough layers in the middle of winter? I take my seat and look out the window to see the number of people who are about to board the train. I grab my phone and start listening to ILYSB. I like LANY, their music is perfect for travel.

I know this isn't such an interesting event in my life since I know that many other people have flown to see Seoul, capital of Korea but hey, give me a break. I’m finally going to meet my best friends after living alone for 4 years. This is what pays to be travelling, a provincial girl like me? I doubt I would ever survive the city life.

As a 2 hours pass, I wake up to hear the advisory that I’m about to reach Seoul.

I look out the window, close my eyes, and whisper.  

"Mom, Dad, I made it to Seoul."

I lost both my parents during a hostage that happened in our own home. My mom happened to answer the door and was shot first. The culprit saw me and asked me to go get my dad. At first I was confused, but it so happened that there was an issue with the family business and this guy was after the money. I was 13 at that time but I still couldn't figure out why something like this had to happen to our family. However, as soon as my dad had agreed to the terms of the killer, he pointed his gun at me and pulled the trigger. I closed my eyes to prepare myself for the pain that comes next but instead, I felt warm liquid on my hands and felt something heavy fall on me, it was my dad. I screamed at the sight of both my parents suddenly vanishing from this world, a sudden pain struck my chest and I couldn't breathe. I fall to the ground slowly losing my vision as I see the blue and red lights of police cars approaching my house.

"Miss? Are you okay miss?" the person right next to me calls my attention and brings me back to reality, "Oh, yes I'm fine. Have we arrived?" I look around to see almost everyone out of the train. "Would you need any help getting off? Are you new to the city?" the lady asks me. I shake my head and give her a smile as I head down the aisle to the exit.

I follow the rest of the passengers to exit the station as I turn my phone on to contact Jennie and Lisa, my two best friends. Their parents had offered to get us three an apartment we could all share just so that they could both keep me company. Lisa and Jennie aren't sisters if you were wondering, they just had agreed to live under one roof with me and I'm eternally grateful for that. Not to mention they’re idol trainees.

"Y/N?" I turn my head to see Lisa's straight black hair, "Lisa!!!" We both jump around and giggle, "Wait but where's Jennie?" "Oh, she's getting us another cab because your arrival got delayed." She helps grab my luggage and we both start catching up with each other, as if we’ve never spoken in weeks. This was the first time I had ever seen both Lisa and Jennie in person, all our moms were best friends when they were younger too but since we couldn't visit them often, we met and talked through video calls.

"Well if it isn't our beautiful foreign friend Y/N." I turn around and meet Jennie’s eyes, "JENNIE!!!" I run to hug her and Lisa joins in and I finally don't feel alone anymore. "Girls, the cab is waiting outside, we better hurry." On our way to our new apartment we were all catching up with each other as if we really didn't talk as much already. "Oh hey, Y/N you have to make sure that you're ready to go to school by 7am okay?" Jennie cheerfully said. I was so confused, school started at 8am so why would I have to be ready an hour before school when our place was literally like 10 minutes away. "Wait why do we have to be ready an hour before school? I know our place is like 15 minutes away from school. It's not like you guys take that long to fix yourselves up right?" Lisa and Jennie smiled at me suspiciously, "Well....Y/N you know, you may not know everything about us yet..." "What's there not to know? I've known you guys since the moment I was able to talk." Lisa elbowed me softly, "We’ve got new friends! Like actual men type of friends." My eyes opened wide despite the tiredness I've been experiencing,

How could these two end up befriending guys and just suddenly "forgetting" to tell me about it when they know and are fully aware that we all don’t normally interact with the opposite gender?  

"Fine, I'll be ready by 7am on Monday." I say as I roll my eyes, "YAYYY I'M SO EXCITEDDD!!!" both of them scream.

Ugh, 30 minutes have just passed since I arrived in Seoul and I'm already experiencing stress.

As soon as we got off the cab, both my friends had rushed to bring down all my belongings so that I could finally take a look at the place we rented out. Jennie reaches her hand out to me and in her palm, my key to our place. "Hey, have you guys figured out how we'll be getting to school on Monday?" Jennie giggles, "Y/N, you’re lucky we attend the same school. But the guys will pick us up! Plus..they promised to bring Jungkook." Jennie winks at me and flashes me her brightest smile.

Jungkook? I know I've heard that name somewhere, but I just can't remember where.

"We're here!!" The elevator door opens, "Apartment 735" I mutter to myself. I walk along the brightly lit corridor. "732....733...734..." I continue counting, "735!!" The girls rush to my side, "Y/N, this is your first time in our apartment, so you'll have the honor of opening the door with your key" Lisa says with a smile. I reach out for my keys, close my eyes and take a deep breath before turning the key to unlock the door. I hear the light switch turn on and I open my eyes. The apartment was beautiful. I walk in to see the kitchen, it has a small island where I could serve meals to my friends. I honestly enjoy cooking to relieve myself from whatever stresses me out, whether it be school, people or something about football. I’ve loved sports for as long as I can remember but it gets frustrating since I could be quite competitive.

I walked into the next room and I saw our living room, there was a large L-shaped sofa sitting in front of a huge television. In between the sofa and TV, I saw a small wooden table that is most probably multipurpose as being both a study desk and a place to put our snacks when we binge on shows during our free days. Beside the sofa I see a balcony that showcases a beautiful scenery of the city. I walk out and feel the cold breeze on my cheeks, I look up to the sky and I see that the sky had a welcoming gift for me as well. The stars greeted me as they shined brightly upon the night sky and I just can't help but admire the night sky. To my right, I see a bean bag that fits 2 people. I plop down to the bean bag and stargaze for a while.

Mom? Dad? I know you can hear me, I promise I'll make you proud, I'll succeed here in Seoul and become a great doctor.

"Y/N?" I snap back to reality and see Jennie’s head appear, "You haven't even seen your room yet! Come onnnnn!!" I stand back up and follow the girls in another small hallway, there I see 3 doors. "So basically, it's not that we don't want you to have your own room but we wanted one room to be our sort of walk-in closet because I mean who has not dreamed of having one?" I open the first door I see and the place is indeed full of clothes. There were 3 closets in the room, each of the closet doors have our first name initials on it to indicate who owns which closet. I laugh at my best friends, we all enjoy watching all those Barbie movies where they have spectacular closets and I guess you can say that this is the closest we can get to our childhood dreams.

I walk out of the room and take a few steps into the hallway. Lisa rushes to get past me and hold the doorknob, "Okay Y/N, this room is a little different. I know it's not really our style whatsoever but we created a study room." I scrunch my eyebrows, "A study room? Really now? For all of us or for me?" Lisa tucks a stray hair into her ear, "Well, more for you than for us since we know how hard you work and how much more you'll be working to get into med school. But it's a double purpose for a practice room for us too!" I take a step back to look at both my best friends and their grinning faces,

What did I do to deserve these two psychos in my life?

I call them in for a group hug, "You guys, I know you want to make me feel like there's nothing missing anymore in my life and I love you guys for that. I hope you all still remember I'm not a robot though and even if I'll be working hard to get into med school, I'll still be around to party and experience what any normal teenager should be experiencing." I hear Jennie sniffling at my right, "Aw Jen" I rub her back soothingly, "We know that Y/N, we just want the best for you too. We'll always be here rooting for you any time." We all take a step back, "Okay!" Lisa says, "Guys, it's our first night in our own apartment and we're already crying." Everybody laughs, "So I guess this last room is our room?" "It sure is." Jennie opens the door and I see three twin beds side by side. Just like our "walk-in closet" our first name initials are hanging above our head, brightly lit to recognize who owns which bed. I see my initial on top of the bed that lies in between both Lisa and Jennie's.

I drop my luggage off at our closet area and plop back down into the bean bag on the balcony. I take a deep breath in and close my eyes.

This is the start of my new life.

------------------------------------------------------------------

"Take my hands now, you are the cause of my euphoria"

I woke up to the sound of Euphoria, my favorite song in the whole wide-

"WHEN I’M WITH YOU I'M IN UTOPIA"

And of course, the voices of my two best friends singing their hearts out and getting the lyrics messed up.

"Y/N!!! Come on!! It's your first day of school. Did you forget about our breakfast plan?"

Right. Their so-called "breakfast plan" before school. I stand up from my bed and stretch a little before I start making my bed. I stop by the closet first and pick my outfit for today, I pick out a tied crop top, white sneakers, and jeans. I grab my bathrobe and head to the bathroom. I step into the shower and play some music that would help wake me up and get ready for the day. As I continue to wash my hair, I hear a knock on my door, 

"Y/N! Are you done?!!" 

I roll my eyes. Jeez, they finally got themselves guy friends and now they're going crazy about finishing on time. I wrap a towel around my head to dry my hair. I head back to our dressing room and open my luggage. As I look for my blow dryer and straightener, Lisa barges into the room, 

"Y/N Y/L/N, you seem to be too relaxed this morning. You have 30 minutes left to get ready and if you're not ready by then I'm going to drag you to the car." "Don't worry Jen, I'll be done on time. Now can you please stop bothering me so that I can start dressing up?"

I quickly blow dry my hair and put it up in a messy bun. With the remaining time left, this is the best I can do to tame my natural curls. I look at myself in the mirror and check to see if something is missing. I reach out to get my makeup bag and I put on a little blush and add a little lip tint. I search through my accessory bag and look for my small stud earrings. I get my glasses from the table and look at myself in the mirror once more. I'm ready for my first day of school. I leave the dressing room and meet my best friends in our kitchen. 

"Oh my goodness Y/N, let's go! We're already 5 minutes late." I grab the schoolbag I prepared last night before heading to bed and leave the apartment. We head to the basement by elevator since Lisa got her license just recently. "Wait Lisa, if you had your license already by the time you picked me up, why did you guys use a taxi to pick me up?" "Oh, uh..I was too lazy to drive that late at night so I just got us a taxi." She starts the car and we head to the exit.

It was my first time ever seeing Seoul in the morning light, the sun hit the skyscrapers so beautifully that it was as if the city was welcoming me as their new citizen. Numerous cars were already out by the time we hit the road because of the rush hour most of them were experiencing. Our school, Seoul National University was just 10 minutes away, our apartment was located a couple blocks away As I was looking out the window, I saw some sort of diner come into view. It looked huge for my definition of a diner since I always saw diners as small joints made for meals, but this diner was different. As Lisa pulled up in the parking area I could see a little bit of the inside, students like us were dining in there as well and there seemed to be a game room on the other side of the dining area.  It's around mid-February so the breeze was still cool, Busan was a little warmer during the winter so I had to find a way to adjust to the cooler weather in the city. As my friends and I make our way to the entrance, I notice three heads that turn our way. As we enter the diner however, the smell of freshly made bread, waffles, and eggs hits me and I feel my mouth water. I've been starving and I couldn't wait to try whatever the diner had been serving.

I see three boys in a booth and I make eye contact with one of them, the weird thing is...I felt butterflies in my tummy. I've seen those eyes somewhere, he feels familiar which is of course impossible because I've never met these people in my entire life.

I've never had any guy friends at all. I've always thought about making my parents proud and everything so I focused on getting good scores on all my tests so that I could get into med school. This is all so new to me...having friends of the opposite species. I mean okay, I've watched rom-coms and movies that revolve around love, seeing your friends being treated the way I see couples act in the movies is something I never thought I would be interacting with boys at this point of my life.

"Y/N? Earth to Y/N!" I snap back to reality as Jennie calls my attention. "This is Jimin, Taehyung and the guy still sitting in the booth is Jungkook." Jungkook? I think I know a Jungkook from back home but it's still pretty hard to remember a lot of things. "Sorry, I'm being rude." Jungkook stood up and walked to me, "Jungkook." He held out a hand for me to shake, "Y/N." I say in reply. As our hands touch, there's a familiar warmth that gives me goosebumps. I quickly try to mask the reddness in my cheeks. We all take a seat in the booth and based on the impression of these boys, they seem like athletes. "Hey Y/N," Jimin says, "You should try their Bacon and Waffles here. They sell out like crazy in the mornings." I take a quick glance on the menu and scan quickly for the meal Jimin was talking about. I raise my hand excitedly to call in the waitress to take our orders, "1 Bacon and Waffles, 2 Pancakes and, 3 orders of the Waffles and Chicken all with Orange Juice on the side." The waitress says, "Thanks." I give her a smile in return.

I glance back at my friends after giving the waitress the menu I was holding, Jungkook and I make direct eye contact, his big brown doe eyes, another flood of goosebumps crawl on my skin as he turns away to talk to Taehyung. Why is it that Jungkook looks at me as if he’s seen me before?

The waitress returns with the orders and I start to take a bite off my first meal of the day.

“So Y/N, how was your first night in the city?” Taehyung asked as he picked a strawberry off one of the pancakes, “I stayed up in the balcony just looking at the city lights, the stars were very bright last night. I couldn’t stay up for so long though, it got really cold.” “Y/N loves gazing at stars, she used to try to make Jen and I see the stars in Busan every time we video called.” Lisa says giggling, Jimin gasps and turns to point at Jungkook while eating his waffle, “Jungkook used to drag us out of our homes just to meet at a park to stargaze!” Jungkook shyly looks away and takes a sip of his juice, “Yah” he finally speaks, “You make me sound like a really weird kid Hyung” I laugh at his statement, “Don’t be too embarrassed Kook, looking at the stars are my favorite past time” He tenses up with the nickname as he looks at me, I realize I just gave this guy a nickname on the first day we met. Shit. “Uh, is it okay that I call you Kook?” He nods in return as a smile crept onto his face.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[squishymochisoo]

expiration date || lee felix (ft. lee minho)

genre: angst, fluff, college au

pairing: lee felix x reader, lee minho x reader 

words: 5.1 k

synopsis: it’s been years since you fell in love with minho, who seems to have never liked you back. when felix enters your life along with several other new friends. maybe finally you would be able to move on from minho. maybe love did have an expiration date.

||

unrequited love

it’s normal for most of us to experience unrequited love.

the pining from afar, the small smiles and little laughs you let out when you see the other.

sometimes it was painful to watch the other, knowing that they would never be the other’s special person

sometimes it made you happy, seeing the other so happy.

sometimes it made you smile when you notice the little things the other did.

sometimes you stare at the ceiling when you’re in your bed, tears following your thoughts and only one question filling your head,

‘why did i have to fall in love with my friend?’

 ||

 “jisung why is it so cold – it’s only november” you shivered as you wrapped your arms around yourself.

“blame global warming i guess” jisung snorted beside you.

“i don’t know why a part of me thought that you would be kind enough to give me your jacket” jisung raised his eyebrows at your statement.

“and freeze? yea no thanks. i’d like to stay warm” jisung smiled sinisterly why waving his sweater paws at you. you scoffed and rolled your eyes

“what a best friend you are” your playful glare was interrupted by a figure walking towards the both of you.

 “y/n what are you doing? i told you to cover up!” minho nagged. you shrug your shoulders not knowing what to reply. you felt another chill pass through you, making you shiver once more.

“here put this on” minho handed to you his jacket, motioning for you to put it on. you felt your cheeks heat up, not from the cold but from minho handing to you his jacket.

you had been friends with minho for many years. at the age of 13, just 2 years after you met him, you couldn’t stop your heart from pounding really hard whenever he did something for you. it may have been a just a friendly gesture, but it made your heart jump every time. you knew it was a stupid crush that had to go away, especially when you knew that minho would not feel the same way about you. but every time you stopped yourself from blushing or giggling, every time you manage to forget his smile, he enters your life once more with an even brighter smile. making you fall for him over and over again. it was a cycle that never ended.  

 even now at the age of 21, why did you find it so hard to let go of him?

 even when he dated or mentioned another name with a smile on his face, you couldn’t help but smile looking at him happy, even when you heart was aching at the thought of him and his significant other.

 “y/n i need your help” minho ran up to you as you were walking home from school that day.

“i just don’t understand why she’s mad at me?” minho whined to you.

“just talk it out and pay more attention to her. maybe she just needs comfort and you weren’t there” you stated blankly while your mind in a frenzy. minho’s face lit up at your advice.

“thanks y/n! you’re such a great friend!” and with that he disappeared.

“yea.. i’m such a great friend” you muttered under your breath.

 it was normal that minho came to you for relationship advice, stating that jisung lacked the social skills to come up with decent advices regarding people. because of jisung’s lacking ability to give advices, you were stuck with the job. making you hear about minho and his significant other regularly over the years.

every time he came up to you, a part of you wanted to give a shitty advice. a part of you thought about giving an advice that could break them up because your heart couldn’t suffer anymore. and every time the devil stood on your shoulder telling to you put a crack in their relationship, you couldn’t.

you didn’t know why.

you’d witness the couple back together again the next day and your heart would ache once more.

why didn’t you put your happiness before you? why was it that you’d rather live with a broken heart than seeing someone you liked – no—loved in pain? somehow you figured it would be worth it in the end. a part of you thought that maybe, just maybe, minho would notice the way you liked him, and he would notice how you were there for him every time.

you knew it would never happen, but still a small part of you couldn’t help but wish and long for it.

it wasn’t like the two of you were best friends that shared secrets with each other. truthfully, the only reason why the both of you still talked was because of jisung.  

 ||

 “hey seungmin” you waved at the boy behind the counter of the convenience store. you placed your bag beside his and joined him.

the pay here wasn’t so great but it was hard to find another place that allowed you to work late into the night since you had classes in the morning. seungmin attended the same university as you and was also doing journalism. the both of you hit it off perfectly especially since you just met him last week. it wasn’t long until jisung entered the store, calling out for you.

“y/n! where art thou romeo” you held the urge to throw something at your embarrassing friend. when his eyes met yours, he ran towards the counter calling out your name once more. you could hear seungmin trying to stifle a laugh looking at jisung.

“look at the roomates wanted poster i made!” jisung shoved the poster into your face.

“i think i should majored in digital and visual arts instead of music.” jisung continued to boast. you stared at the poster which looked like jisung used clip art images from microsoft powerpoint and used a rainbow effect on wordart for the word ‘roommate’. it was definitely … eye catching.

 “wait! you printed it out? like a stack of those?” jisung nodded proudly holding a very thick stack of paper.

“why would you?? people find roomates online now! what happened to trying to save the earth?” you nagged as you saw the waste of paper.

“we could just pass it out in campus, that way we get to see them in real life. if they aren’t worthy, they don’t get the poster!” jisung retorted. you looked blankly at jisung not knowing what to reply with.

 “you guys are looking for roomates? my friends were just looking for a place to rent.” seungmin pointed out.

“i could let them know and pass them your number if you would like”

“as long as they’re not murderers, we would appreciate you telling them” you joked.

“just let me when they would like to look at the apartment if they are interested!”

 ||

 that’s how you found yourself a few days later, in your apartment with hyunjin and jeongin, who were also first years at the uni you were going to. oddly enough, the four of you hit if off very well. although the apartment was huge enough to house four adults, it was cheap to afford. well, it was cheap because it required so many touch ups and had to be refurbished before the four of you could call it home.

the four of you spend the week before school painting and moving furniture around. seungmin joining you most times to help you. even sometimes minho would come around, doing all the stupid things he usually did to make you feel nervous.

 |

 “okay finally we’re done!” you heard jeongin yell from the other room as he finished up painting the last empty patch on the wall. you laughed as you heard cheers echo all throughout the house.

“please please please! let’s go out for lunch! i don’t think i can take it anymore if i inhale more paint!” hyunjin shouted dramatically.

that’s how you found yourself being squeezed in between jisung and seungmin while hyunjin and jeongin sat on the opposite side of the table in the diner. jisung was busy discussing a with jeongin about what it would be to fall in love with a tree. both you and seungmin were just staring at the pair, silently judging them in your heads. hyunjin lifted up his head to face all of you from his phone.

“guys, is it okay if our friend joins us for lunch?” hyunjin looked at you and jisung, who agreed because the pair of you decided two days after meeting the trio that whoever they were friends with, were immediately their friends. hyunjin nodded excitedly before texting on his phone once more before putting it down, joining jeongin’s and jisung’s conversation about plants.

 ||

 “—like a plant fetish?” hyunjin replied. somehow both you and seungmin ended up joining the conversation.

“no that doesn’t make sense! falling in love with a plant is different from having a plant fetish!” you exclaimed. all five of you were so into the conversation that all of you didn’t realize the figure that stood at the end of the table listening in on the conversation.

“but you could have a plant fetish and fall in love with a plant at the same time” a deep voice stated from your right, scaring the five of you. you jumped back upon hearing hyunjin shriek in surprise.

“shut up hyunjin” seungmin kicked hyunjin from underneath the table. you stifled a laugh as you looked at the blonde boy who had a big smile on his face.

“hey! i’m felix. you must be y/n and jisung?” felix glanced at the both of you.

“nice to meet you! have a seat” you gestured towards the empty seat beside jeongin.

it was not a surprise to you when you found out that you and jisung fit right into their group of friends. it was as if the both of you just belonged there, sitting with the other four boys laughing and talking.

that was how your friendship with the four boys began to grow.

 ||

 before you realized it, the first week of school started. you spent the whole week before hanging out with the boys. sometimes watching movies in your apartment. sometimes walking around the park. there was a day where all six of you lied down in the living room not doing anything. and somehow it was still one of the best days of your life.

 message from felixie

felixie: you going with the others after class?

you: nope! minho said he needed to meet me so i’ll be walking back with him ^^

felixie: oh… okay then have fun! ~~

 you sighed as you tucked your phone back into your pocket. you continued to wait on the bench just outside one of the buildings in campus, staring at the students flocking into a lecture room. you glanced at the other bench to see a couple together typing on their laptops while the chatted. the smile on their face so bright, showing everyone how happy they were together.

you glanced at your phone as you count the minutes. you gave minho another text as you continued to stare at the sky watching the clouds. soon minutes turned to an hour and you were left with no response from minho.

you sighed. it wasn’t the first time anyways. you were stupid enough to think that he would show up. you dragged your feet across campus to find minho talking with his friends and a girl around his arm.

you didn’t know what to feel. sad? because he ditched you? or relieved? that you didn’t have to hear him talk about whoever that girl was. did you feel betrayed, that he would just ditch you? or angry that you were so unimportant to him, that he forgot about you?

you trudged towards your apartment so in thought that you didn’t realize you were just standing outside an ice-cream parlour. you wanted to enter the shop, hoping that ice cream would lighten your mood. but when your eyes shifted, looking in the shop all you could see was the couples inside enjoying themselves, hearing them laugh together, all of them looked so happy. you were surprised when you felt a shadow stop beside you, sheltering you from the sun’s glare. looking up you saw felix. he looked confused at first before offering a small smile and grabbed your arm and dragged you into the parlour.

felix actually saw you left campus without minho. he was confused as to why you were alone, when you mentioned walking home with minho, who he has only met twice briefly. felix followed you quietly behind you as you trudged your way home. when felix saw you looking into the shop sadly, something in him broke when he saw your sad face.

felix sat you down and motioned you to wait as he ran towards the counter. he came back with two cones.

“here!” felix thrusted the ice cream in your direction “ your favourite right? lime sherbet?” felix questioned. he remembered you mentioning in passing that hyunjin finished up the lime sherbet that you bought a few days back. you stared at the ice cream in his hand and him. how had he remembered such a small detail about you? he’s only known you for about a week, but it feels like he knows more about you than minho.

‘minho’ your thoughts came back to him.

stupid brain why did you have to think about him

 felix sighed softly as he realized the downcast on your face. felix place his cone into the same hand he was using to hold yours. he grabbed your palm with his free hands and pressed your cone into your hands.

“stop thinking so hard” felix smiled at you before patting the back of your hand. you nodded, staring at him. the two of you spent hours there, filled with laughter and smiles from a certain sunshine. you couldn’t deny that talking and laughing with felix, eased the pain and the doubt you had in your head and heart.

“y/n, i thought you were supposed to be going home with minho” felix gently brought up the topic.

“oh, uhh, he forgot we were meeting i guess,” you managed to get out, you tried not to let your true emotions show. but somehow felix caught on to it. felix’s smile dropped a split second, when he had to see you upset once more, before his smile grew on his face once more.

“well, i think that’s a good thing.” your eyes widened at his statement.

“because if not i wouldn’t be having such a good time with you” you let out a laugh watching his eyes crinkle.

 ||

 you sat on the bench once more staring at your palm as you watched the rain droplets fall onto your palm. you were supposed to be meeting minho once more. but as you sat there in the rain. you knew he wasn’t coming. you were upset and angry. the both of you agreed on meeting today so he could pass to you what he wanted to a few weeks ago.

you stared at the droplets on your hand, only to find that the rain had stopped. you looked up, a part of you hoping to see minho, but you were surprised to see felix.

“y/n… what are you doing out in the rain…” felix let out softly, sheltering you with his umbrella.

“minho” you mumbled softly as you leaned a little into felix for warmth. felix wrapped his arms around your shoulder pulling you up, as if asking you to stand up.

“c’mon let’s go dry you off and get you coffee.”

minho ditching you seemed more frequent in the few weeks. you somehow knew he wasn’t going to show up but somehow you always waited for him. and most of the times felix came to your rescue.

you usually went home with the other boys so whenever you weren’t around, jisung would mention you waiting for minho. after the ice cream incident, felix always waited until he was sure you met up with minho before leaving. after it happened a few times, he just didn’t trust minho anymore. why would you still show up and wait for over an hour when you knew he wasn’t going to appear?

but a apart of felix was relieved that minho didn’t show up. every chance minho ditched you, was a chance for felix to hang out with you.

you were grateful to felix. even when you were upset or angry, he managed to get a laugh out of you. the two of you becoming close was inevitable.

 ||

 it was only a week later when you were dragged aside from your lunch table with the other four boys. you tried to pull your arm away from the other, whose gripped only tightened on yours. you hissed loudly as you felt pain erupt from your arm. you glared at the person.

“minho! what are you doing?” you hissed louder.

“i could ask you the same thing” minho looked at you with pointed look. minho took your silence as confusion.

“why are you hanging out with those boys so much?” minho questioned pointed to the table to were sitting at.

“where’s jisung? why isn’t he eating with you?” minho questioned further.

“you can’t stay with them when jisung is not there. it’s not safe. you shouldn’t be so open with them, you just met them last month. what if they’re bad news?” minho kept asking and nagging. you felt a slight anger travelling through you. you were wondering what gave him the right to say those things about your friends. you wanted to retort back about how they were more present in your life than he was. that they probably knew more about you than he did. that they cared more about you than he did. but before you could even say anything – he replied.

“look – i just don’t want you to get hurt. i care about you okay?” your heart softened a little. your head telling you to stop forgiving him, to storm away and to give a cold shoulder. but somehow, you found yourself giving the man in front of you a small smile. a smile that meant forgiveness.

why did you just give in? why did you just forgive him? why did you forgive him for what he said? why did you forgive him for what he had done?

 ||

 three months later, everything was still the same. your friendship with the boys grew deeper. you hung out more with felix than the rest. it was as if the both of you had a connection, that neither could explain. you knew when felix needed someone to lean on and felix you when you needed cheering up.

“here, you can come here and cry your heart out, if i’m not there okay?” felix showed you the rooftop on one of the campus’ buildings.

that’s how that rooftop became your spot with felix. a place to go when you needed comfort. a place to go when you needed to relax. and a place to go to hide from everyone else other than felix. some nights you and felix would just lay and stare at the clouds and stars. you lie in silence. but the silence was never deafening, it was comforting.

 ||

 it was your birthday that day. a special day for you. you felt like your birthday was the one true day that you had to be happy. the five boys had wished you exactly at midnight, which was not a surprise to you.

you were happily skipping only to hear your name being mentioned in a conversation. to walked softly towards the voices, only to find minho with his friends, chan and changbin.

“hey isn’t it y/n’s birthday today? i heard jisung shouting at hyunjin about plans they had for tonight” changbin mentioned as the two sat behind the building, lighting a cigarette.

“why should i care? it’s just their birthday.” minho laughed as he took a drag. you swallowed wanting to step away.

“who’s y/n?” you heard chan ask.

“oh just some friend of minho that is in love with him. don’t even know why they still follow you around.”

“oh the one he kept complaining about?” chan added. you watched as minho continue to smoke as he heard he friends insulting you further.

was he not even going to defend you?

your jaw trembled as you tried to hold in your tears, your legs taking you away from them. you hurried moved your hand into your bag, finding your phone and pressing on jisung’s contact number.

 “hey y/n!” jisung’s cheeriness echoed through the phone. you could hear the ruckus in the background and managed to make out the voices of seungmin and jeongin.

“hey.. do you think we could postpone the party later?” you feigned a small laugh, hoping that it would help to stop the tears from arriving.

“what why? we already booked the place though”

“i’m just tired… it’s fine you just go and have fun there okay?” upon hearing your tone, jisung decided not to press on.

 you hung up with a sigh as you glanced at the dark sky. why did it have to rain every time you felt this way.

you found yourself walking towards the rooftop you spent most of time on these days. you laid down staring at the sky for what felt like hours. the thoughts running in your head making you more confused the more you tried to piece them together.

you were trying to understand your feelings as your brain replayed the scene you saw just now repeatedly.

 you felt angry. you felt betrayed. you felt sad.

 you swore to yourself that minho wasn’t worth it. he wasn’t worth your time. why would he pretend to be your friend for so long? why did he talked bad about behind your back? why didn’t he correct his friends? did he know all this time that you were in love with him?

with these questions you had, you found more tears staining your cheeks. a blurry sight of a hand holding a can of drink came into your line of vision. you sniffled as you quickly wiped away the tears from your eyes, staring at felix.

“hey i was worried when i got a call from jisung that you weren’t going to the party.” he handed you a muffin. you glanced at it, confounded.

“oh.. i was from the bakery. you mentioned that you liked it a while back but couldn’t go there regularly because it was too far away.” felix scratched the back of his neck nervously under your stare. you felt more than touched. the bakery was about 45 mins away from campus. did he really travel that far just to buy a muffin you loved?

you felt more tears run down your face.

“why? oh my god, do you hate this muffin? did i remember what you said wrongly.” felix exclaimed worriedly as he grabbed your cheeks gently. you shook you head.

“just touched” you mumbled. felix smiled before moving his fingers across your cheeks to wipe away the tears. you felt your heart beating faster. honestly, it has been happening for the past few weeks. sometimes you’d find yourself being shy and blushing around felix. some nights you would fall asleep thinking about him. some days just staring at the texts he leaves you.

a part of you knew better than to assume that his kind deeds were advances.

 ‘he loved skinship, this was normal for him. he did this to all his friends.’ you thought

 it was as if felix could read your mind or feel your doubts. felix shifted closer towards you, his hands still on your cheeks.

“i like you y/n. i really really really like you. seeing you cry, seeing you upset, breaks my heart. every time i see you this way, all i want to do is kiss you and cuddle you to tell you that i’m here, that i want to be by your side. to let you lean on my shoulder.” your eyes shifted, feeling a little shy from the sudden confession. felix let out a small smile before planting a kiss on your cheek.

“here’s a preview” he let out a deep giggle that had you blushing harder.

“i like you too felix” you whispered as you leaned into his embrace.

 “i know” he smiled cheekily before felix grabbed your hand pulling you up. “c’mon let’s get dinner”

 ||

 you thought that it would be awkward between the both of you and your other friends. but nothing really felt that different. during lunch, the six of you still do stupid things together. you still had stupid conversations together. the only thing that changed was that felix would hold your hand under the table during lunch. or that you would cuddle during movie nights at your apartment with the others. felix loved flirting with you and every time he did, jisung and hyunjin would gag loudly causing you to laugh and kiss felix on the cheek. only aggravating jisung and hyunjin more since they had to watch the pda all the time.

jeongin and seungmin weren’t even surprised when you first told them about the two of you getting together. it was as if they already knew it was going to happen.

your week had just changed and took a 180 turn. you finally realized what it felt to be so happy. it was as if a weight had been lifted off your shoulder. if you and felix were hard to separate before you dated, now the both of you were inseparable.

 minho spend days watching the two of you as you held hands walking from lectures to lectures. he saw how you kissed felix goodbye. he saw how your face would light up when you catch felix waiting for you outside the lecture room.

“what” he grumbled as changbin passed him a cigarette which he declined.

“why are you so pissed off these days.” chan mentioned staring at minho

“yea crankypants what’s up”

minho’s eyes followed your figure as you hugged felix.

“oh y/n and their boyfriend?” changbin stated causing a growl to erupt from minho.

“he’s nice, he’s from australia too. talked to him a while ago. he’s funny too” minho’s blood boiled as chan complimented felix.

 what did he have that minho didn’t? if anything felix was just average looking compared to him. he knew you for a much longer time than felix did.

only at this moment did he realize how much his heart beat faster at the thought of you.

 ||

  minho ran towards campus the next day. after his classes he ran to the flower shop just around the corner and ran back looking for you. minho’s eyes landed on jisung and his friends. he rushed towards them panting.

“w-where’s y/n” minho managed to get out. jeongin glanced at minho wearily.

“they’re at the library studying while waiting for lix to get out of class” minho was about to leave just as he heard jeongin’s reply, only to be stopped by jisung’s arm grabbing minho’s. minho tried to yank his arm away, only to have jisung clamp his fingers tighter into his flesh.

“what jisung” minho voiced out crankily. jisung clenched his jaw in anger and looked into minho’s eyes, a glint of irritation seen in his eyes.

“don’t tell me that you were going to –” jisung glanced and gestured with his head towards the flower’s in minho’s hands. hyunjin finally understood the situation.

“dude, what the fuck. you can’t do that” hyunjin gasped, narrowing his eyes. minho was furious at hyunjin’s response.

“who are you to decide what i do or don’t do? i’ve known y/n longer, i think i know better and i know that y/n deserves better.” jisung breathed in deeply.

“and you haven’t been there at night when y/n cried. you weren’t there for y/n when y/n cried because you kept ditching them. you weren’t there for y/n when y/n needed a shoulder to lean on. you weren’t there for y/n when your friends talked crap about them. you didn’t even defend y/n when your friends talked crap about y/n on their birthday. who are you to know what y/n deserves? if anything you don’t deserve y/n. “ minho didn’t realize you heard what his friends said about you. it wasn’t that he agreed with them, he just didn’t bother to correct them.

“they liked you for so long. do you even know how hard it was for me, minho? to watch my best friend like someone so much that they didn’t even prioritize their own happiness? y/n was always putting you first. always solving your relationship problems, always there for you when you weren’t for y/n. and finally y/n gets to have the happy story and gets to have the happy ending. a happy story that they deserve. why can’t you just let y/n be happy? do you think about anyone else for a second?” jisung paused.

“you can’t have everything you want minho” jisung let out a sigh glaring at minho.

“don’t confuse y/n. especially when they’re already so happy with felix” jisung stated blankly before dragging hyunjin and jeongin away from minho.

minho didn’t realize that all these time, he should’ve realized how important you were to him. how you were right there in front of him and he couldn’t even give you the love you deserved. minho didn’t have excuses. he knew he was in the wrong. he hurt you and he stopped you from your happiness. he couldn’t give you the happiness you experienced with felix. and he was going to accept that someday.

his heart still ached as he saw you during lunch with felix. his heart ached as he saw you holding hands. his heart ached when he saw you laughing, the smile never leaving your face when you with felix.

that’s when minho realized that love did have an expiration date.

someday he was going to be able to accept that y/n doesn’t smile at him like that anymore. that y/n can’t even look him in the eye. that y/n doesn’t even need minho in their life. minho needed y/n and he was going to accept it someday that he had to learn how to live without y/n in his life.

 y/n’s love for him expired.

but minho still had a long way to go before his love for y/n expired.

someday, he would accept that y/n didn’t need him to be happy.

||

hey thanks for reading! leave a comment or anon me to let me know what you think and feel! 

any constructive criticism? let me know too! 

thanks! 

comments really give me motivation to write more often! <3

[nothorses]

I don't know if anyone else has experienced this, and I worry about saying this off anon but I want to actually, be a face as I do. When I came out I knew I wasn't cis, and I was lucky enough to have the support of two wonderful trans partners, but I had an extremely hard time finding my place in the trans community. I am pro MOGAI and new, hyperspecific terms because I know how important it can be to want to put a name, a flag, and individual pride to your identity. 1/?

I switched my own terms quite a lot, from demigirl to genderfae to genderflux to where I am now, genderfluid. But I remember there was a moment, because I was so sure I was only female aligned, where I thought for just a moment that I might be a boy, and I was terrified, I didnt want to be a boy, I didnt want to be "that trans." Like every trans person, I struggled with internalized transphobia, not feeling valid or true enough in my identity, 2/15

But that dreadful feeling of being Scared of being a boy is something I think about a lot, and something I think is truly telling. I'll admit I primarily (only) use tumblr because social media honestly isnt my thing, so I can only speak to what I've seen here, but I remember seeing so little about trans men, other than the occasional mention in broad positivity posts, the even rarer info about binding or passing, but I did see how much people hated men. 3/15

It was always implied to be about cis men, I've been spared the more modern issues regarding overt hatred of trans men, but I saw the constant anger and vitriol and genuine hatred for men. And I realize now I wasnt just scared of being "too trans" I was scared of being hated. So I made myself nonthreatening, I called myself a boy, I performed femininity to an even higher, though subversive standard, because I was still so scared of being a man. The enemy. The oppressor. 4/15

It took many more months to dare say I wanted to call myself a man, and even then I was scared, in the comfort and safety of my girlfriend's company. I felt dirty saying it, and I still do. I always only dare to refer to myself as a trans man, instead of just as a man. And I do want to sidetrack for a moment and say my relationship to gender, as a genderfluid person, is admittedly more complex than just when I feel this way, in other ways people are also particularly hateful towards, 5/15

But even with those other facets, and my fear of being open in them, pale in comparison to my relationship with masculinity. Because when I did come out and admit to myself that sometimes, I am not a woman, or nonbinary, I am a man, I became more aware of things. I exited wonderland, so to say. Suddenly I became so much more aware of how much people simply did not care about me or people like me, and especially not our problems or concerns. 6/15

I saw how invisible I was, and worse than that, I saw a very subtle malice. The only mention of trans men were in those broad positivity posts including everyone under the trans umbrella, or in the rare case something was positive exclusively for trans men, it was always reblogged with "dont forget trans women/enby people" tacked on, I remember once I looked in the trans tag and counted how many posts it took to find one exclusively about trans men that didnt mention binding 7/15

I got into the forties. Because on other posts, I would see people make passive aggressive remarks about how "trans men are talked about too much" or "there's all these resources for trans men, what about trans women" and I wanted to know on what earth the people who said that were living on, because the only, and I mean the only thing people tend to talk about in regards to trans men is how to safely bind, and rarely, the effects of HRT. 8/15

This happened a while ago, but I remember seeing a number of posts on my dash about how much representation trans men receive. I believe there was a panel about trans people, where a majority of the panelists were trans men, and trans women were less represented than them. They encouraged people to complain, said we received too much attention, and pointed at mythical trans male rep in media that in reality, I could count on one hand. I remember being so angry and passionate about it 9/15

Now im honestly just tired. I dont feel accepted by the trans community, and even the trans male community is iffy (I fit in amongst mogai people most, but I cant deny trumeds are particularly prevalent, and it wore on me), and it's so tiring to have every post made by trans men for trans men have to be preambled by belittling themselves and downplaying their own suffering. I just want to exist in peace, but I feel like that's too much to ask. 10/15

I've reached a point of exhaustion that I have become entirely apathetic to my own gender, what was once a deeply important aspect of my identity. I feel disconnected from it, and as a consequence from my own body. I don't bother examining it anymore because I can't feel it, as someone who suffers from dissociation, I feel dissociated from it in order to protect myself, something I was once so openly proud about. 11/15

Im scared to try and push for transition, for my own personal reasons, but now on top of those Im terrified of being silenced and belittled and hated for something that should make me happy. I've tried so hard not to feed into the lateral violence and become embittered towards trans women, because that's not fair, but I won't lie and say it hasnt been hard when I have seen more than I ever would've liked be so willing to ignore or outright throw their brothers under the bus 12/15

And of course there are even more who do show their support for their brothers, and for that im thankful, but this invisibility effects how I perceive everything. I feel like I've been pushed back into the closet, I say im trans because I know I'm not cis but I don't even know who I am, what my place is, and I'm scared to explore because I'm scared that who I am will be violently rejected by the people meant to support me. I want to be free to even explore who I am. 13/15

I wish people would listen to my experiences and what I have to say, but in every microaggression every act of ignoring I feel silenced. Trans men are viewed as predatory, just in a different way; trans men are fetishized and have chasers; trans men face higher rates of violence and sexual assault for being trans men; research about transmasc transition is almost nonexistent, and new, better surgeries are not even thought about; transmasc history is erased and silenced. 14/15

I, feel like im rambling at this point, and I'm sorry I've been so longwinded, I just. I want to thank you, for creating a space where I can speak my truth, because before finding your blog I didn't think anyone would care. I feel like I have so much more to say but honestly im scared, and too tired, and have said enough for now. I just want this feeling of loneliness to go away and hopefully I'll find a way to accept myself. Thank you for listening to me, and giving me a platform to speak 15/15

(Edited the numbers for accuracy)

Thank you for trusting me with this, and to other folks: I think this is an important narrative to listen to and share!

[thesassenachswiftie]

Lover - Chapter 13: “Soon You’ll Get Better”

Read on AO3

Chapter 1 // Chapter 2 // Chapter 3 // Chapter 4 // Chapter 5 // Chapter 6 // Chapter 7 // Chapter 8 // Chapter 9 // Chapter 10 // Chapter 11 // Chapter 12

Summary: Claire and Jo go Christmas shopping; Claire gets a call at work that Lamb’s in the hospital in Boston where she fears she will need to spend the holidays without Jamie. In short: angst, but make it festive.

" This won't go back to normal, if it ever was It's been years of hoping, and I keep saying it because 'Cause I have to

Ooh-ah, you'll get better..."

CW: cancer, hospitals, illness of a loved one,

Notes: First of all, if you’re still here, thank you for reading, and thank you for bearing with me as I took a small hiatus. Hopefully I will be getting back to a more regular posting schedule, but work is really draining right now and it’s hard to find enough hours in the day to do everything. 

As you know, each Chapter of this fic is based off a Taylor Swift song by the same name. This one was particularly difficult to write/approach because I actually haven’t listened to this song in over a year. In early Summer 2019, a tumor was found on my grandfather’s brain. This was also the summer I discovered Outlander, and the summer Taylor Swift released Lover. The day after Lover came out, I broke down sobbing in my apartment listening to this song and thinking about my grandfather, knowing his condition was worsening. That night, I recieved the call that my grandfather had passed. He was the kindest, purest soul and I write this chapter in part as a tribute to him. Many of the experiences Claire and Lamb share are based on my own experiences with my grandpa that summer, and this version of Lamb is very much based on my Grandpa Jim. 

That being said, you may want to grab a box of tissues before reading, but hopefully not all your tears will be sad. I’m hoping to post again before Chistmas, but in case I don’t Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays--and Happy Hanukkah to any Jewish readers I may have--here is a Hanukkah present for you!

 Chapter 13: “Soon You’ll Get Better”  

         “All I want for Christmas is yooouuuuu” the sounds of Mariah Carey rang out throughout the small boutique gift shop in the heart of the village of Northport.

           “Good God, we’re only a week into December and I swear I’ve already heard this song three hundred times. I’m not exaggerating either. Two hundred and eight-four at the very least.” Jo scoffed exasperatedly.

           “Are you complaining?” Claire asked in reply. “It’s a great song--a classic really.”

           “Do you know how many incredible, amazing, beautiful, jolly Christmas songs there are in existence?” Jo was gearing up for one of their famous rants, “Yet, the radio stations only ever play the same eighteen songs, I swear!”

           “It must be more than eighteen.”

           “Fine. Twenty. Take this song for instance: Ingrid Michaelson has the most hauntingly beautiful cover of it--do you ever hear it? No! You only ever hear Mariah!”

           “I, for one, like Mariah!” Claire interjected, playfully defensive.

           “Who doesn’t? But she’s not the only powerhouse female vocalist out there! I’d just like to see a little diversity in my holiday music, is that so much to ask?”

           Claire giggled. Her best friend always had an opinion on everything and she loved them all the more for it. “Do you think Jenny would like this candle?” Claire unscrewed the lid a locally-made jar candle, taking a sniff before placing it under Jo’s nose. It smelled like Lavender and Sage with just a hint of Eucalyptus.

           “Does Jenny keep a lot of candles around, with all those children?” Jo chuckled back. “It does smell nice though.” Jo had only met Jenny a couple times when visiting Claire, but they had a knack for reading people and Claire was glad to have them along as a shopping partner.

           “I suppose candles aren’t really her thing. Jenny seems very practical, but I don’t know what she would need that she doesn’t already have, and Jamie’s been no help!”

           “I think you’re on the right track with the self-care/relaxation vibe, but maybe not something the children can use to burn the house down. What about an artisanal lotion set?” Jo inquired, gesturing at a nearby display.

           “Oh that might work!” Claire took a squirt from the bottle labeled ‘tester’ inhaling deeply as she rubbed it between her palms. “Ooo that’s nice, I would appreciate this if I were a hardworking mother.”

           “If things keep going the way they are with your man, LJ, you might just be before you know it” Jo made a lewd gesture with their hands, raising their eyebrows to make it clear exactly what they were implying.

           “Jo! You’re terrible” Claire shrieked, smacking her friend playfully on the arm. Besides, not much of that happening these days if you haven’t noticed, Jamie is literally across the ocean.”

           “Well, at least you can’t get knocked up from phone sex,” Jo replied. “What are you getting him anyway? I’m thinking something lacy and strappy, with little bows on it of course, to be festive. There’s a place down the street that might have something like that.”

           “Hmm” Claire exhaled. “We’ll see.” Claire knew lingerie was definitely going to be part of Jamie’s Christmas gift, one she would be most excited for him to unwrap. God, she missed him. It had been over a month and they were settling into a routine, video chatting every night, sweet texts back and forth throughout the day, the occasional phone sex when they were both sick with desire for one other--but nothing was the same as the feel of their bodies pressed against each other in the heat of the moment, chasing each other’s climax. Claire couldn’t wait to be reunited with him in every way.

           It was two days before Christmas break, only a few days left until Claire would find freedom for the next ten days and, most of all--the comfort of Jamie’s arms. Claire was sitting in her school nurse’s office, inhaling deeply during the first quiet moments she’d had all week. There was an uptick of student visits in the past couple weeks--a few were legitimate concerns tied to cold and flu season: students whose parents sent them to school when they weren’t quite well enough, overachievers who wanted to maintain their perfect attendance dragging themselves to school despite their bodies protestations. Most of her patients however, were suffering from something much more insidious: the eagerness to start their winter break early by skipping their classes. This time of year the air of the school felt different, students and teachers alike were burnt out, apathetic, and ready for a break. This attitude in the students fed into the teachers’ attitudes--overworked with the end of the marking period, trying to squeeze in Christmas shopping and decorating between grading. Claire did not envy Jo nor any of the other teachers during this time, but their exhaustion was so palpable in the air of the school that she was starting to feel it too. By tomorrow, most teachers would be shutting their doors and playing a holiday film, giving up on instruction all together--hopefully that would make for a quiet day for Claire. Really, if she could just get through the rest of the day it would be smooth sailing until Christmas--until Jamie.

           Her silent musings were broken by the blaring sound of her office phone. She was expecting a teacher, calling to send a student down, but instead it was the school clerk, Glenda. “Hi Nurse Beauchamp, we have an outside call for you, it seems like it may be a personal call so if there’s any students with you we can send someone down to watch them if you’d like to take it privately here in the office.”

           Claire's heart sank to her stomach. What could it be? She took a deep breath and swallowed to brace herself before replying “last student just left.”

           “Alright, I’ll transfer you now.” The click of the call transferring sounded through the phone.

           “Hello, this is Miss Beauchamp”

           “Hello Miss Beauchamp, I’m Tammy, a nurse at Mass General we’re calling because you’re listed as the emergency contact for Quentin Beauchamp” a nasally voice croaked through the phone speaker--the voice was impersonal like that of a cashier saying “have a nice day” for the thousandth time, not fitting of a potential harbinger of death.

           “Yes…” Claire replied, nervously, questioningly.

           “Mr. Lambert was admitted this morning after showing signs of cognitive distress. An initial cat scan shows a mass on his brain. He’s currently undergoing testing to see if it’s cancerous.”

           Claire’s lungs felt like they were about to collapse. Lamb had been diagnosed with prostate cancer several years ago, but had been able to live with it through treatment. Claire also knew that cancer was insidious and could spread throughout the body rapidly and without warning. She knew it was very likely that the mass was cancer. She tried to find her medical professional voice, but a diagnosis was different when it was someone you loved. Instead, she croaked out, “when will you know?”

           “We should have the results by tomorrow. He’ll stay here overnight for monitoring and we’ll decide whether to admit him long term from there.”

           “I’m on Long Island, should I drive up?”

           “I’m afraid it’s too soon to tell, it could be nothing, but--” Claire cut her off, knowing exactly how bad it could be.

           “I understand. I’ll drive up this evening.”

           “Alright, he should be back in his room by then, he’s out getting his tests done now. It’s room 713 when you get here.” Claire wrote the number on a bright blue sticky note on her desk as the nurse spoke. “Have a nice day Ms. Beauchamp”

           “Hmm” was all she could reply, as if she could possibly have a nice day. She hung up the phone, and finally let the deluge of tears she’d been holding back free.

She allowed herself to cry for a few minutes to get it out, but she knew she had to get to Boston as soon as possible. She picked up the phone again and dialed the main office.

“Hi Glenda, it’s Claire. I need to take the rest of the day off--I have to go to Boston, my uncle…” she couldn’t say it out loud for fear of unleashing the tears again “Is Principal Gowan there, I need to let him know.”

“Oh Nurse Beauchamp, I’m so sorry to hear that, let me know if you need anything. Mr. Gowan’s in his office, I’ll transfer you to him now, if he doesn’t answer just pack up your things and go, I’ll take care of it”

“Thanks Glenda, I really appreciate it”

----------

           After getting the ok from her kind and understanding principal, Claire rushed back to Jamie’s apartment, hastily packed a bag (likely forgetting several things), informed Jenny where she was going--which was met with sympathy and genuine concern--and hopped back in the car for the journey to Boston. She entered the hospital doors several hours later, the buttons of her coat were tangled in her hair as she rushed, breathless, to the front desk to receive her visitor’s pass.

           When she arrived at Lamb’s room, he was asleep. She didn’t want to wake him, but she gave his hand a reassuring squeeze to let him know she was there before settling into the armchair beside him to await his awakening. He looked so frail and small in the hospital bed, not at all like the strong, spirited man who had raised her. He had left the television on--some sports channel was playing a highlight reel of various golfing moments. No wonder Lamb fell asleep. Claire was staring at the screen, but her thoughts were elsewhere: worried about Lamb, wondering if she’d remember everything when she hastily packed, wondering what the future held. Would she have to spend Christmas in this hospital room? A golf ball soared across the Scottish Highlands on the screen. Jamie. Jamie was coming home Christmas Eve, she was supposed to pick him up from the airport, supposed to spend her holiday break with him, experience her first Hogmanay with the Murray family, be surrounded by love and laughter and family. Lamb was supposed to be fine, he was supposed to take the train down, spend Christmas with them. Every plan they had made was shattered into a million pieces. Would she even be able to see Jamie? She thought about the presents she’d bought for him, not yet wrapped, piled in the closet but definitely not hidden, especially considering it was his apartment. Of course he’d understand--she could tell him where they were, but the magic of unwrapping would be lost, it would feel entirely unsentimental. It was bad enough that she felt her gifts weren’t sentimental enough--what could she possibly get him to show how special he was to her? How could she communicate that with an object? If she were a painter she would paint him a painting, if she were a songwriter she would write him a song, but she was simply Claire, and practical gifts were all she knew. She had purchased a cozy blue sweater to match his eyes and keep him warm in the brisk London winters, a cool multi-tool the size of a credit card that would fit in his wallet and help him solve a variety of problems, a protective case for his phone, and a box of artisanal beef jerky.  She had also procured a complicated piece of lingerie with a big red bow across the chest for him to unwrap the night of Christmas, which she knew he would enjoy. Everything was thoughtful enough and mostly practical, but she longed to be able to give him something truly special--a grand gesture to match her feelings for him. Claire glanced back at her uncle and immediately felt guilty being so selfish. I hate to make this all about me. Lamb always had a knack for helping her realize what was important when life’s situations overwhelmed her. She needed him for perspective, but how could she talk to him about this? How could she tell him how she felt? She knew it was wrong, but she was mad at him for getting sick so close to Christmas. Who am I supposed to talk to? What am I supposed to do if there’s no you? The tears were welling up in her eyes as she watched her most beloved uncle sleep--hooked up to machines, pale and listless in the hospital bed.

           Claire slipped into the adjoining bathroom to try to compose herself--she didn’t want her uncle to wake up and see her upset, she knew he would try to comfort her, to be the rock he always had been for her. She was here to be his rock this time, she needed to stay strong for him. She looked at herself in the mirror, telling herself it was going to be ok--her uncle was strong and he’d been fighting a long time--he’d continue to fight. Soon you’ll get better. She had to convince herself it was true, pretend it wasn’t real, it wasn’t so bad. She knew it was a delusion, she could see it all over her glass face when she looked in the mirror. She was genuinely afraid that this could be when she lost him, if not physically right away, he could be lost mentally. She’d been hoping for years he would get better, but now it seemed he’d taken a turn for the worse. She took a few deep breaths and offered up a prayer. She wasn’t usually religious, but they say desperate people find faith, so she decided it was time to try. God? Jesus? Whoever is up there. I know I don’t much deserve anything from you, I’m not sure I’m exactly on good terms with you, but I’m inclined to believe you care and you are good. Besides, I’m not really asking anything for myself, not really. I just pray my Uncle is ok, I pray he gets better. He has to. Please don’t take his brilliant mind away from him. Please let him be ok. Please, I’ll be good, I’ll do whatever it takes to help him. Just please, please, don’t take him away from me. I need him. Please let him get better. Please let him get better. Claire continued to repeat the words like a mantra as she returned to her bedside chair. She stared at the collection of orange bottles on the tray table. Please let them help him get better. Please let him get better. Please, please, please let him get better.

           Claire had no idea how long she sat there, repeating those words to herself, but her silent appeal was interrupted when a nurse entered the room to check her uncle’s vitals.

           “Hi, I’m Brenda, I’ll be the nurse on duty tonight.” Brenda erased a name on a small whiteboard in front of the room and replaced it with her own.

           “I’m Claire, I’m his niece.”

           Brenda had made her way over to the other side of the bed and was checking the monitors beside the bed, making notes on the chart in her hand. “I hate waking them up, but I’m going to have to.” Claire was glad that she was much kinder than the nurse she had spoken with on the phone earlier—had that really been earlier? It seemed much longer since that phone call. “Excuse me, Quentin? Sir?” Brenda gently nudged his arm to awaken him. Lamb’s eyes fluttered open and he looked disoriented, Claire watched him carefully hoping that his disorientation was solely from being awoken mid-sleep and not from any neurological damage.

           “Hi Uncle Lamb” Claire stammered, hoping she sounded cheerful anyway.

           “Claire! My girl! You came all the way to see your old uncle!”

           “Of course I did! How are you?” she replied warmly.

           “Oh, I’m fine, they’re taking good care of me here.” Lamb’s voice sounded genuinely content and Claire felt comforted for the first time since the hospital had called her earlier that day.

           “Hello sir, my name’s Brenda, I’ll be your nurse tonight. I just need to ask you a few questions and check your vitals.”

           “What is your name?”

           “Quentin Lambert Beauchamp”

           “Good. When is your birthday?

           “March 23th, 1939”

           “Good, and who is the president?”

           “Well, unfortunately…” both Claire and Brenda giggled at how Lamb began his sentence. Claire was well aware of Lamb’s opinions of the current president of the United States, and was glad to see he hadn’t lost his sly sense of humor or his disdain for the man.  She was also glad he knew who the president was, hopefully his mental capacities were more promising than the worst-case-scenario her mind was conjuring.

----------

           Claire stayed by her uncle’s side for the rest of the night, only leaving the room twice, once to find something to eat from a vending machine, and once for her nightly call to Jamie. She allowed herself to break down when talking to Jamie, sobbing over the phone. Jamie did his best to comfort her through the speaker, desperately wishing he could be there for her in person. Claire wished the same, longing to curl up in his strong embrace, and bury her swollen face in his chest. She couldn’t bring up the fact that she might have to spend Christmas in Boston. She was enough of a mess without facing the reality that they wouldn’t see each other, and when Jamie promised they’d see each other soon at the end of their call, Claire hung up quickly as another wave of emotion overtook her and she buried her face in her hands to cry some more.

           The next morning, the doctor came in with Lamb’s results. Claire grasped Lamb’s hand, unsure of who was holding onto whom for comfort as the doctor explained that the mass on Lamb’s brain was in fact cancerous, but it was still relatively small and had been caught early. He explained that they could operate on it and remove it, however there was no guarantee that it wouldn’t come back or that they’d be able to get it all out. It was moments like these where Claire desperately wished she was already a surgeon, that she could feel in control of the outcome--though could she operate on her own uncle? Would she be able to hold her hand steady enough to do a good job? No, perhaps it was best left to the veteran surgeons in Boston.

           After discussing all the details and options with the doctor’s, Lamb decided to go through with the surgery. It was scheduled for the day after Christmas and Claire resigned herself to the sobering fact that she’d be spending the holidays in the hospital. As the florescent hospital lights lit the room with an unnatural glow, Claire couldn’t tell him she was scared. She had to stay strong, she had to keep it together and remain positive and supportive.

           ----------

           Claire spent the next few days devoted to her uncle, rarely leaving his bedside. Lamb had forced her to spend the nights at his apartment, which was probably for the best. She wasn’t sleeping well to begin with and the recliner at the hospital was only making matters worse. Claire was present and doting on him from morning to night though, helping her uncle order his meals, assisting him when he needed to use the restroom, adding and removing pillows and blankets as needed, or anything else he needed or wanted. Lamb had been moved to the cancer floor, and the window of his new room had a nice view of the Boston skyline. Lamb was making the best of a bad deal, he bragged about his ‘luxury accommodations’, he cracked jokes often, he liked the nicer nurses, he ordered extra dessert with all his meals and was in generally pleasant spirits. Claire could see the cracks in his cognition though. Sometimes he would change the topic he was discussing mid-sentence, and he couldn’t seem to keep time straight. Whenever anyone would mention Christmas, he would act surprised to know that it was coming up, and at one point he hinted at Claire that she might just get those roller skates she wanted for Christmas, a gift she had not asked for since she was eleven years old. He didn’t seem to know what year it was or how old Claire was. He did know who Claire was though, and for that she was thankful. He also knew who the president was whenever the nurses asked, always beginning his answer with a short preamble to make known his disdain.

Before they knew it, it was Christmas Eve and Claire couldn’t hide the sadness she felt on her face. She was glad to spend the evening with Lamb, but she had been looking forward to her first big family Christmas. She had filled in Jamie about Lamb’s condition and her subsequent stay in Boston over the course of their phone calls that week. She had also describe the Christmas gifts she had purchased for the Murrays, Jo, and Lamb, so Jamie would know the rest were for him. Jamie had agreed to put the Murrays gifts in gift bags and distribute them for her. They were meant to exchange family gifts that evening, the morning being reserved for Santa, and Claire was heartbroken to be missing out. In a matter of hours, and for the first time in two months, her and Jamie would be on the same continent, yet they wouldn’t be able to see each other. There was no way Claire could get into the Christmas spirit under these conditions. The hospital, despite being modestly decorated, was not the most festive atmosphere. Even a troop of Girl Scouts caroling their way through the hospital halls did nothing to assuage the weight of losing everything Claire had been looking forward to for the past two months.

           “What’s a matter, my dear?” Lamb asked, showing genuine concern for his niece.

           “It’s nothing, I’m fine, I promise, I’m just wishing things were different today.”

           “Why today? Is it something special? I can’t seem to remember.”

           “It’s Christmas Eve. You were supposed to come to Long Island and meet Jamie. We were going to spend the holiday with his family.”

           “Yes, I remember, that’s today? Oh dear, I haven’t gotten your gift yet I’m afraid.”

           “That’s fine, Lamb, I’m afraid I left your gift at home, so we’ll have to do that part later. We can take a raincheck on gift exchanging. I was just really looking forward to you getting to know Jamie.”

           “I’m sure I’ll meet the lad soon; he seems really special to you.”

           “He is; I know you’ll like him.”

           “I already do.” He patted the top of her hand and turned his attention back to the sitcom on the television, providing humorous commentary to try to cheer Claire up.

----------

It was late Christmas morning. Uncle Lamb was napping again and Claire had switched the television to the Hallmark Channel--usually her guilty pleasure this season, today it was simply reminding her of how her Christmas was proving to be less than magical. For her there would be no Christmas kisses, no magical snowfall, no saving the small town family business or learning to love Christmas again. All that awaited her this Christmas were fluorescent lights, beeping monitors, and nurses visiting every 6 hours to check her uncle’s vitals. This Christmas would be decidedly the most un-magical she had ever experienced. She had had her share of unconventional Christmases in the past, in fact, she never really was a Christmas person, but it had started to feel special to her when she was living in New York. This Christmas though--this was one she was looking forward to more than ever before. Claire spent most of the morning crying, grieving over all she was missing. She should have spent the morning curled up in Jamie’s arms, watching the children open presents. She could picture the Murray’s living room, trashed with colorful wrapping paper from end to end, each child in their own private world fascinated by their latest favorite toy, Jenny and Ian beaming through tired eyes.

Claire was surprised Jamie hadn’t called her to fill her in on the details yet. He had called yesterday when his plane arrived--groggy and jet-lagged, his communication skills were not the most eloquent, but he tried his best to make her feel better. She hadn’t heard from him at all this morning though, not even a Merry Christmas text. Surely the jet lag would have woken him up as early as the children, and they must have been done opening presents by now. Claire tried to rationalize that Jamie was just spending time with his family, but she couldn’t help feeling hurt and ignored. She thought she was important enough to him that he could take a moment away from his family to at least text her, or to find some way to make her feel included from afar. Had his feelings changed in their months apart? Did coming home to a messy apartment turn him off? Did she find his Christmas gifts and come to think she didn’t care enough to get him something more thoughtful? She thought about calling him, but a mixture of pride and fear kept her from acting first, not to mention she couldn’t stop crying over these sappy Christmas movies.

Suddenly, a voice from the doorway rang through the room, “Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas!” Claire looked up in confusion, momentarily unable to comprehend her surroundings and the disruption that had just entered them. Santa? No. The tall figure filling the door frame was dressed like Santa, beard and all, but the unmistakable Scottish burr gave away his true identity. If Claire hadn’t already been crying, she certainly was now. Jamie was standing in the doorway, dressed in a Santa suit, carrying a large, blue IKEA bag overflowing with wrapped presents and what appeared to be Christmas decorations.

“What?” Claire could hardly believe he was there, she rose from the chair and the couple met in the middle of the room for a hearty embrace. Claire buried her face in the soft, fluffy suit covering Jamie’s chest, sobbing uncontrollably. Perhaps the setting wasn’t a snow covered street in a small town, but this was her own Hallmark movie moment--and to be honest, those Hallmark guys had nothing on James Alexander Malcolm Mackenzie Fraser. Jamie held her close, and tight, planting kisses in her curls and whispering softly to her.

“I’m here, mo nighean donn.” He caressed her shoulders with his thumbs, not releasing his embrace in the slightest, breathing in her scent, trying to absorb her fears and pain.

All of the commotion had awoken Uncle Lamb and after witnessing the couples’ embrace for longer than was comfortable, Lamb loudly cleared his throat to remind them of his presence in the room.

“Uncle Lamb!” Claire unfolded herself from Jamie’s embrace, keeping one arm around his back. Jamie sheepishly pulled the fake beard down around his neck to reveal his face and removed his Santa hat, clutching it tightly in the palm that wasn’t holding Claire. “This is Jamie, my Jamie. Jamie, this is my Uncle Lamb.”

“Well, I’m certainly glad it’s not Santa Claus, or we’d have a lot of explaining to do to the lad!” Lamb chuckled back.

“A pleasure to finally meet you, sir.” Jamie reluctantly released Claire from his grasp to step beside the bed, extending a firm but gentle hand to Lamb. “I’m sorry it’s not under better circumstances.”

“Pleased to meet you as well, lad” Lamb replied, patting Jamie’s hand with his before releasing their handshake. “And don’t you worry about me, I have the best nurse there is taking care of me.” Two sets of proudly smiling eyes met Claire across the room.

“Oh I dinna doubt it for a second. Your niece is a rare woman.”

“Glad to see we’re in agreement. Now what’s all that?” Lamb gestured towards the large tote discarded near Claire’s feet.

“Aye, I thought I’d bring you two a bit o’ holiday cheer.” Jamie pulled a large cardboard box from the bag and extracted a small tabletop Christmas tree from it, unfurling each branch carefully and placing it on the countertop across the room, plugging it in to reveal fiber optic lights changing colors dreamily. “I usually insist on my Christmas trees being more, well, alive, but under the circumstances this’ll have tae do.” Jamie and Claire spent the next half hour or so festooning the room in garlands and placing tiny ornaments on the small tree. Claire tried to ignore that more than half of the bag was filled with brightly wrapped gifts, not sure whether she was hoping they were all for her, or hoping that they weren’t. After all, she didn’t have anything to give him and she didn’t know if he had looked through his gifts yet nor if he had appreciated them.

While they decorated, Jamie filled Claire and Lamb in on the events of the last few days. Jamie had called Jenny to tell her not to bother picking him up from the airport. He had planned on renting a car there and driving straight to Boston. Claire could hear Jenny’s voice loud and clear through Jamie’s imitation “ya clotheid! Have ya gone daft? Yer barely able to form coherent sentences amidst the jet lag from yer Christmas Eve flight, and ya wanna drive five hours tae Boston in that state!?! Claire willna appreciate ya ending up in a ditch on the side of the road as a Christmas present ya eejit!” Jenny had made a fair point, and Jamie had agreed to sleep at home and left shortly after he awoke that morning, staying only long enough for the children to open their stockings, and to watch their faces alight with surprise at the sudden appearance of piles of presents under and around the tree.

“I’m glad you took Jenny’s advice, but most of all I’m glad you’re here.” She embraced him again. “You didn’t have to do this though, Jamie, I know how important your family is to you.”

Jamie stepped back and lifted Claire’s chin with his thumb, looking into her eyes. “You are important to me, Sassenach.” he replied, with a sincerity that penetrated Claire’s heart. Claire responded by kissing Jamie chastely on the cheek, knowing her uncle was only four feet away--politely trying to ignore them and watch the television which he had flipped to an all-day marathon of A Christmas Story on repeat. Jamie’s welcome intrusion broke up the monotony of hospital life and seemed to give Lamb a better sense of what day it was.

“Now that we’ve got the place looking good and festive, I believe it’s traditional to exchange gifts on Christmas day.”

“Jamie, it’s too much, I--”

“Oh? Thought they were all for you, didja Sassenach?” he teased. Claire blushed. Of course; she hadn’t really--but who else would they be for? Surely Jamie wouldn’t spoil Lamb, a complete stranger to him, quite so much, and no one else was there. She looked dumbfounded as she tried to come up with a defense but Jamie stopped her. “Dinna fash, Sassenach, Jenny wrapped your gifts for me and Lamb before I could see and I bought them along too. She thanks ya for the wee lotions, by the way.”

“God bless Jenny! That woman is a Saint.” Claire also silently thanked God that she had left the present she was planning on wearing for Jamie that evening in her dresser drawer, that was not a gift she wanted Jenny to see, and was definitely not something she wanted him to be opening in front of her uncle.

The three exchanged gifts, save Lamb, who had nothing to give but smiles and approval for the young couples’ thoughtful gifts. Jamie was genuinely appreciative of Claire’s gifts, although she kept insisting that she hadn’t finished shopping and there was more to come; to which Jamie humbly rejected, claiming it wasn’t necessary. Jamie’s gifts to Claire were thoughtful and meaningful, the most touching ones being a print of a painting of the rose garden he had ordered from the Botanic Garden’s gift shop and a bracelet engraved with the words perennis amor, which caused Claire to tear up and embrace him tenderly in spite of her uncle’s presence.

The three enjoyed the rest of the day thoroughly. A Christmas Story played in the background and they laughed and shared stories with one another. Jamie was a born storyteller and Lamb was elated to have a fresh audience to recount his many adventures to, so conversation flowed naturally between them, with Claire occasionally interjecting. Claire mostly just sat back and admired the two men who were most important to her, filled with joy that they were getting along, that Jamie was there, that it was Christmas. For the first time in several days she had hope and peace. She was surrounded by love in that hospital room as well. She had all the things Christmas was said to bring, and for that she was grateful. Jamie had made her greatest Christmas wishes come true without her even asking and she felt lucky to be alive.

The hospital staff served their version of Christmas dinner for the small family, and while Claire was sure it paled in comparison to whatever Jenny had made, it was quite delicious, especially considering it was hospital food. Jamie ate in the armchair next to Lamb at Claire’s insistence, since the two were deep in conversation, and Claire sat in the chair on the other side of Jamie, taking in her magical Christmas scene, better than any Hallmark movie could depict.

After dinner, Jamie was fading fast, listening to one of Lamb’s stories with heavy eyes.  She took one of the spare blankets and covered Jamie. “Looks like you’re still not over your jet lag”

“Hrmmphh, I ‘spose not.”

“Do you want me to go get you a coffee? I doubt the cafe downstairs is open today, but there’s a cappuccino vending machine a few floors down that isn’t terrible.”

“Aye Sassenach, that’d be bonny. If it’s not too much trouble.”

“None at all, my love, I’ll be back soon.” Claire squeezed his hand before leaving the two men alone.

Jamie listened to her footsteps down the hall, and waited until he heard the ding of the elevator before he cleared his throat to speak frankly to Lamb. He sat up straight in the chair to ward off the sleepiness, having a few important things he wanted to say before Claire came back.

“Lamb, I need you to know, Claire is the most important person in my life. I love her sae much and I’d do anything for her.”

“I’m glad to hear that, I can see how happy you make her. She lights up when you’re around, it comforts my old heart to see.”

“I need you tae know, I’m very serious about her. I ken we haven’t been together that long, but I know--I know deep in my wame that I’m meant tae be hers. I want ya to know that I intend on spending the rest of my life making her happy, and while I havna bought a ring or ennathing yet, I wanted to ask yer blessing” Jamie paused for a moment before adding, “just in case.”

“Of course you have my blessing, son. I couldn’t be more glad to know that Claire will be so well cared for after I’m gone, truly.” Both men looked somber, knowing full well that this could be their last conversation, hoping dearly that it wasn’t. Claire returned with three cappuccinos in hand, surprised by the mood in the room.

“Everything alright, gentlemen? Don’t tell me Ralphie shot his eye out!”

“Och! Everything’s fine, Claire! I’m just tired is all, I’m sure this wee cappuccino will cure me in no time!” replied Jamie, eagerly taking a cup from Claire as she set another on Lamb’s tray table. The rest of the evening was quiet as Jamie took a nap, while Lamb and Claire watched A Christmas Story more intently then they had all day. Claire didn’t want to leave him alone so early on Christmas so she let Jamie nap until Lamb was asleep soundly for the night. The sense of joy she had felt all day was still present, but the nagging worry she felt about Lamb’s coming surgery was starting to settle in as well. Claire woke Jamie gently and Claire whispered softly to Lamb that they’d return in the morning, squeezing his hand before the couple quietly left the room.

----------

They walked out to Jamie’s car, since he still had his stuff packed in it, but Claire drove them back to Lamb’s apartment where she’d been staying. The cappuccino was helping Jamie stay coherent, but he was in no state to drive. They were quiet on the drive home, but kept their hands locked between the seats, grateful just to be in the presence of one another.

When they arrived at Lamb’s apartment, Jamie was so tired, he didn’t even want to brush his teeth, let alone do any of his usual nightly routines. However, he had spent the morning sweating in a polyester Santa suit over his clothes, and although he took it off shortly after his surprise arrival, he felt in need of a shower. Claire showed him where the bathroom was and made sure he had everything he needed, and got herself ready for bed.

Jamie showered quickly, not bothering to wash his hair, and only cleaning the parts of his body where any stench would be most concentrated, figuring the water would take care of the rest. A few minutes later, he emerged from the bathroom with a towel around his waist, ready to collapse into bed, but not before embracing his sorcha. He scooped her into his embrace and she buried her face in his bare, firm chest, warm from the shower. He smelled clean, and fresh and most of like Jamie. “I’m so happy you’re with me, Jamie. You have no idea how much it means to me that you’re here.” the emotions of the day hit her again and her voice caught at the end of her sentence as tears filled her eyes once again. Jamie kissed her forehead softly, down to her nose, and landed on her lips, giving her the firm, passionate kiss they’d both been longing for all day--and for months before that.

“Mo cridhe.” Jamie breathed when they separated. “I’m here. I’ll always be here for you. I’ll no’ leave you alone when ya need me.”

“Oh Jamie” Claire was still crying, “I’ve been so worried. I’ve been trying to stay strong for Lamb, but I feel like this won’t go back to normal--if there ever was a normal with him. I’m scared he’s going to get worse, or--” her sentence dissolved into a fit of sobs, which she tried to stifle on Jamie’s shoulder.

“You don’t have to stay strong when you’re with me. I’ll be here to help you shoulder the burden. I’ll be here to soak up your tears. There’s two of us now, Claire.” He pressed a kiss into her curls. “You can feel your feelings now, mo cridhe. Lay your cares on me. Come now, let’s get ya tae bed. I’m no’ sure how much longer I can stand myself.”

Claire fell asleep wrapped safely in Jamie’s embrace, free to be herself fully. Free to be vulnerable she felt safe, she felt loved, she felt comfortable, and most new to her--she felt she had the hope and strength that she could carry on, no matter what was to come. She slept better than she had in weeks, secure in the embrace of her eternal love.

End Notes: Thanks again for reading!! By the way, the Ingrid Michaelson song Jo mentions is hauntingly beautiful and you should listen to it. Also, I hope you liked Jamie's surprise. This was going to be a lot more angsty of a chapter but Jamie refused to let Claire suffer and had other plans. I know this was full of a lot of emotional ups and downs, and hopefully we can all find some comfort in the fact that just because Christmas/the holidays may look different for a lot of us this year, it can still be special, and there's still light, joy, love, hope, and peace to be found in the midst of the darkness.

[quazartranslates]

Welcome to the Nightmare Game - CH72

**This is an edited machine translation. For more information, please [click here]**

[<<< Previous Chapter | Table of Contents | Next Chapter >>>]

-----

Chapter 72: Seed of Slaughter (XI)

[Qi Leren. Witchcraft Sacrifice. The survival time was 13 days.]

Like falling into a freezer, Qi Leren was cold and motionless as he looked at the inscription on the tombstone. Everything around him was far away, just like being blocked by an invisible barrier: the sound of the waves, the bright moonlight, the clear wine… everything was far away. He was like a living person buried in the ground, watching the soil cover his body a little bit, and from then on, he would be accompanied by darkness and insects, and eventually gradually decay in the unknown.

He was unwilling. He urged the frozen body to move forward, and more and more of the dead were exposed to him.

[Qi Leren. Witchcraft Sacrifice. The survival time was 13 days.]

[Qi Leren. Witchcraft Sacrifice. The survival time was 13 days.]

-If the arrangement of tombstones was according to the time of the death of all people, then the nearest to Lu Youxin was the one who survived for 13 days died of trying his luck and killing himself, and these two died of dragon's breath.

[Qi Leren. Witchcraft Sacrifice. The survival time was 13 days.]

-that one died with a dagger when he was chased by a hungry wolf.

[Qi Leren. Witchcraft Sacrifice. The survival time was 13 days.]

-that one died in an explosion that killed the giant.

Qi Leren, who had lost his mind, was still moving forward. There were all unfamiliar names here. He had to walk a long way before he could meet the tombstone he left in the Novice Village.

"Enough, Qi Leren!" Chen Baiqi's voice sounded behind Qi Leren.

Qi Leren stood among rows and rows of tombstones arranged like theater seats, and the moonlight left his shadow on the ground, overlapping with the shadows of countless tombstones, as if entangled between life and death, but the moonlight blurred the boundaries.

Was he still alive? Was he already dead? How could he prove that he was still alive?

With memory? But memory was just a brain wave. In the face of all kinds of incredible forces in this Nightmare World, even fabricating a memory was very simple, let alone transplanting a memory.

Was he really alive?

Was he still alive?

Chen Baiqi came to his side, took his arm and walked back into the deeper part of the island.

Along the path full of moonlight, treading weeds and insects, they walked deeper and deeper. Qi Leren didn't know where Chen Baiqi was going, but didn't want to know. His soul seemed to be left in front of his tombstone, and he was just a walking corpse.

Through the dense forest, his eyes were suddenly enlightened.

They were standing on a high solitary cliff, and the sea under the moonlight was just over the edge. So quiet, so vast, silvery white scales of moonlight beating on the water, together with the starlight and the sea, constituting a suffocatingly beautiful night.

Chen Baiqi sat down on a strange rock on the sea cliff, covered her lighter with her hand, lit herself a cigarette, and lit another one for Qi Leren.

This time, Qi Leren didn't refuse.

The two people sat on the cliff, listening to the crash of the tide lapping on the cliff, and the sound of Qi Leren coughing while smoking, and they said nothing to each other.

"Now I know why Ning Zhou specifically told me not to bring you here before he left." Chen Baiqi finished smoking a cigarette and crushed the cigarette butt beneath her shoe. "Unfortunately, when I don't collect money, I’m a really uncooperative person."

"What else did he say?" Qi Leren asked hoarsely.

"A lot, I’ve never heard so many words from him, but it is probably because he was drunk." Chen Baiqi laughed lowly. "After all, I brought a whole box of good wine to see him. I'm afraid he’ll be eager to kill me when he wakes up."

Qi Leren looked up at Chen Baiqi. She sat on the stone with her legs crossed and lit a cigarette for herself.

"I don't think he believed that he could fall in love with someone who doesn't belong to this world in such a short time," Chen Baiqi said.

"What do you mean?" Qi Leren's heart thumped, and a sense of foreboding, which he had always been unwilling to ponder, welled up in his mind.

Chen Baiqi raised a slender eyebrow: "I thought you’d discovered it, didn't you?"

Don't belong to this world... Qi Leren's mind suddenly saw a face similar to Ning Zhou's, the blonde woman praying under the cross in the Barrier of the Holy Spirit, who has a pair of eyes identical to Ning Zhou's.

"Ning Zhou is like my sister, but should be said to be more special than her. Her parents are players from the real world, but Ning Zhou... his mother was an NPC."

Chen Baiqi's voice seemed to come from outside. He heard every word she said, but suddenly he couldn't understand them.

"Calculate Ning Zhou's age. His father should be the first player to enter this game, but he died very early. After his mother died, he was sent to the Vatican and was deeply influenced by the Holy See. Ning Zhou also told me that when he was 18 years old, he would perform tasks like ordinary players. Three years ago, when he was 18 years old, he had the same number of survival days as us and needed to perform mandatory tasks every month."

The cigarette butt in Qi Leren's hand had almost burned out, but he didn't notice it at all.

"This time when he received the Witchcraft Sacrifice task, it was a complete accident. He had just come back from Neverland recently. He met a gangster who was chasing several girls and killed them. Unfortunately, he failed to save the two girls. Instead, because of the demon mark on their hands, he triggered the task at this time. Even more coincidentally, you also received this task from another dead NPC.

"In fact, he didn't care much about you at the beginning. In terms of personality, Ning Zhou was born not to like being close to people. It's hard to imagine that he took the initiative to approach someone. At the beginning, he saved you from being attacked by wolves by a bonfire, which was completely convenient. Helping those in need is also the precept of the Holy See." When Chen Baiqi spoke, she suddenly smiled lightly. "But after he got drunk even more, he admitted it. He thought it was cute when you pretended to be calm and tried to talk to him."

-"I... my name is Qi Leren, what's your name?" Memories suddenly changed from gray to new, like a roll of black and white film, suddenly with sound and color. Qi Leren clearly remembered that by the warm bonfire, he felt uneasy and stopped talking, and finally built up the courage to ask her name.

"Later, in the underground cave, you were chased by the bone dragon, and he took you to escape. At that time, you looked scared, red eyes, and trembling when you spoke, but stubbornly wanted to protect him, even not afraid of death. I ‘m afraid that Ning Zhou has never seen anyone work so hard for him in so many years. After that, you died from the dragon's breath and were almost frozen to death by the frozen underground lake. After he rescued you, he looked at you, who was soaked and shivering. He swore to himself that he would protect you."

-"Thank you in short, tell me your name when the time comes!" At that time, he had hurriedly run for his life, and his lungs were in pain. He kept his voice down and did not dare to cough, so his eyes were red. He knew that he wouldn’t die, and he had a great chance to survive with skilled help, so he was brave.

"In the last underground palace, Ning Zhou used up the relics left by his mother. Yes, that's the pendant. That thing is no ordinary item, he shouldn't have used it, but at that time it was a close call, and you were in grave danger again, so he didn’t hesitate to use it, even if... You found the only chance in the Barrier of the Holy Spirit, but it was really a monster... "Chen Baiqi looked out at the calm sea in the moonlight, and her voice seemed to have died. "Later when he was drunk, Ning Zhou wouldn’t continue, but I already know. To personally kill a lover who was willing to pay her life for him, how much pain must he have been in at the time... "

-"Ning Zhou, I have a way, maybe we can all live." At that time, the excited Qi Leren even said the most cruel words to Ning Zhou with a smile, "It's very simple: kill me."

Qi Leren dropped to sit on the stone and covered his face with his hand. This short experience had turned into a prank of fate in his eyes, but in Ning Zhou's eyes? This was totally an irreparable tragedy.

"Do you know? After the mission, before coming to see you, Ning Zhou went somewhere, " Chen Baiqi said slowly.

"Where?" He clearly knew he should stop asking, but Qi Leren still felt the words leave his mouth.

Chen Baiqi answered the unneeded question: "He went to buy something."

Qi Leren's finger moved stiffly, and he knew something vaguely, but it was too unbelievable.

Chen Baiqi didn't say any more. She smoked a cigarette. The smell of tobacco made her relaxed and calm. She stood up, facing the sea, and murmured, "This is fate. People who are obviously impossible come to love each other because of various coincidences, but unfortunately in the end... It’s still impossible."

Qi Leren was silent.

"In Ning Zhou’s world, I'm afraid he never thought about homosexuality. After all, he lived in the Vatican since he was very young, obeyed the precepts, abided by the canon, and had a firm belief. He was the kind of man whose heart won't exceed the moment. When he fell in love, he would propose marriage, and his first night would be reserved for his wedding night. Most importantly, the Vatican in this world is not of the modern religion in the world where we once lived. It is old-fashioned and conservative. All love between the same sex is wrong, immoral and even sinful.

"If one day, he loves you more than everything, maybe he will leave the Vatican. But he will need to abandon his faith and give up everything he once regarded as life... Is this love more painful, or is death more painful?"

The salty sea breeze blew on his face and stole away the heat from one’s body. While listening to all this, Qi Leren had been very calm. He stood up from the stone and whispered: "I understand..."

Chen Baiqi turned around and handed him a bottle in her hand: "Take it."

"I don't have to drown my sorrows in wine," Qi Leren made a joke stiffly, but it was so difficult to raise the corners of his mouth.

"It's not wine, it's holy water from the Holy See. Maybe you can use it later," Chen Baiqi shrugged her shoulders. "I'm going to see some old friends first. We'll meet at the shore in an hour."

Qi Leren's hand holding the bottle froze. How did Chen Baiqi know that he needed holy water to suppress the seed?

Seeing that Chen Baiqi had left, he ignored caution and asked loudly, "Why did you give me this?"

Chen Baiqi waved backwards at him: "It's from Ning Zhou. Let me give it to you. Keep it. Maybe it’ll come in handy in the future."

Chen Baiqi's figure had disappeared under the steps. Qi Leren shook the bottle, and the crystal clear transparent liquid glowed faintly in the moonlight. Just looking at it made him feel calm. If it was Ning Zhou... Could he know? After all, he saw him at the courthouse.

Qi Leren didn't want to think any more, so he put away the holy water and went down.

This time, he no longer panicked over those tombstones, which he could not verify or control. Even if he was really dead, this one was still alive now. He could act, think and be as happy and sad as before. He didn't want to struggle with more problems.

Down the stairs, there were neat tombstones on both sides of the steps, which were as neat as a procession.

The order of tombstones should be arranged according to the time of death, not according to the order of tasks. Qi Leren stopped at Lu Youxin's tombstone, walked backwards one row, and then went in. He saw Ye Xia, which turned out to be her real name and she had lived for more than 1,500 days.

One step further, the place illuminated by the flashlight held the name Qi Leren.

Three tombstones in a row, all of them him.

He had died by Ning Zhou’s hand.

Qi Leren’s feet stopped, an emotion that couldn't be said to be sad or relieved seeping out slowly from the depths of his soul. After Chen Baiqi said Ning Zhou had bought something, he guessed vaguely, but it was still unbelievable, but now he saw it with his own eyes, and he finally had to believe it.

He could almost imagine Ning Zhou's mood when he found his tombstone. Perhaps for him, the Qi Leren he loved has stayed in the underground palace forever, and was killed by his own hands three times.

They hadn't had the time to start, and the love he hadn't said yet stayed there forever. He could only leave proof of his love at the tombstone and give it to the "her".

Qi Leren stepped forward and squatted down at his grave.

[Qi Leren. Witchcraft Sacrifice. The survival time was 13 days.]

An open box was placed upright in front of the tombstone, and a ring lay quietly inside.

The ring is inlaid with a blue gem, which shone in the moonlight.

As beautiful as Ning Zhou's eyes.

-----

The author has something to say:

PS: Although love is beautiful when it stops at this moment, the story should continue.

PPS: After going through such small twists and turns as a homicidal maniac, captured, undercover, robbed, frightened, and proposed marriage to (failed), our protagonist had a relaxed and happy rest time. After eating this sweet (or poisonous) sugar, we can open a relaxing copy (being a real mother) after this incredibly sour and refreshing feeling.

-----

Editor’s Note: I recommend going back and taking a look at chapter 62 again if you’d like a knife you probably didn’t fully notice before.

-----

[<<< Previous Chapter | Table of Contents | Next Chapter >>>]

[wormstacheangel]

Day 13: Ladies

Word Count: 2601 

Summary: I don’t know why I want the rest of the prompts to follow a big story line now cause this is after day 11 & 12. So read those first or don’t. Jack goes to visit his sister Claire because Dean and Cas need alone time in the bunker. 

-

It started with Sam stumbling back into the kitchen, rubbing his eyes and running his hands through his hair. He walked over to where Jack was sneaking in some of Dean’s cereal and held both his shoulders to look him in the eyes.

“Jack, don’t go into the garage. Don’t go looking for your Dad or Dean tonight, okay?”

“But Cas said we-”

“Promise me, Jack.”

“Oh.” Jack nodded then with a smile. “I promise.”

Sam patted Jack’s cheek with a sigh of relief. “Good. Good. I need…I need to wash my eyes out with soap now.”

The next morning Sam had stopped Jack from walking into the kitchen. “Nope! Get dressed Jack. We’re going out for breakfast.”

“All of us?”

“No, just you and me. Cas and Dean are a little,” Sam shivered as he was pushing Jack back towards his room. “Busy at the moment.”

When they came back, they took Cas’s car instead of the Impala because Sam says it was too soon for him, Sam yelled out that they were home. He said it as loud as he could from the top of the stairs and Jack looked at him confused because they never announced it before. The loud squeak of the door was an indicator of someone walking through the front door already.

Sam sighed in relief when he noticed there was nobody in the map room but then when they dropped their left overs and shopping bags, Sam took him shopping for a new jacket for two hours, in the library they heard…noises. 

“Nope!” Sam took Jack’s head and turned him around so his face was hidden against Sam’s chest. His too big hands covered Jack’s ears but he could still hear Sam yelling. “No! Not where the kid can see you! What the hell is wrong with both of you?”

“Sammy!” He heard a muffled Dean but Jack didn’t dare move from where Sam was holding him. “We thought you were gone.”

“We’ve been gone for 5 hours, Dean!”

Now Jack was sitting by Sam’s side in the kitchen table with beers all around while nobody made eye contact. Jack didn’t mention how Cas and Dean were now holding hands on top of the table either, he couldn’t fight back the big smile he had but he didn’t say anything about it. Mostly cause he didn’t really know what was going on and didn’t want to say the wrong thing.

“I’m giving you a week. Jack and I will go stay at Eileen’s while you two…go at it like rabbits. Get it out of your damn system cause I don’t want Jack to be scared for life like I am now.”

“We’re going to stay somewhere else?” Sam only nodded but Jack looked back at Dean and Cas. “Can I stay with Claire?”

“What?” All three of them said, Cas more in a happy tone than the two brothers. 

Day 1 with Wayward Daughters

“Hello.” Jack held his hand up to say hello to Jody who opened the door. She looked surprised by his presence and he scrunched up his eyebrows as he asked, “Did Claire not tell you I was coming over?”

“No. No, she didn’t.” Jody placed her hands on her hips as she called out for Claire. Then she opened the door wider and motioned for Jack to come in before giving him a quick squeeze hello. “Judging from your stuff this is an extended stay?”

“A week.” Jack informs her. “I believe Cas and Dean have been like rabbits. Well that’s what Sam calls it.”

“Oh.” Jody smiled as she raised an eyebrow, her arms crossing while she leaned closer out of curiosity.

Jack nods as he smiles innocently at Jody. “Sam tells me they’re in their honeymoon phase. I’m not really sure what that means but he told me to leave the bunker for a week.”

“Gross!” He turns around when he hears Claire walking towards him. “Please don’t talk about our Dad doing it while you’re here.”

“Claire!” Jack drops his stuff on the floor and pulls his big sister, a self declared role Claire took upon herself that Jack was grateful for. “I missed you!”

Claire chuckled as he patted Jack’s back. “I just talked to you on the phone a few hours ago, dummy.” She pulls away and helps pick up Jack’s bags off the ground. “Come on! You’re sleeping in my room.”

“Dinner will be ready soon!” Jody calls after them.

“Thanks Jody.” Jack turns to smile at her before he walks into Claire’s room. “Wow, your room is so bright. Must be nice to have windows.”

Claire laughs as she drops the duffle and backpack Jack had brought on top of her bed. “I guess. Kaia would be home from school soon but Alex and Patience are at work until late.”

“I don’t think Patience likes me very much. Every time I visit she hides away.”

“Neh, dude, that’s only cause she thinks you’re cute.”

Jack perks up. “She does!”

Claire reaches to squish Jack’s cheeks together. “Yup but no flirting with my friends. You suck at flirting anyways.”

“Dean, says I’m good at flirting.” Jack frowned at her while his face was still in her hands. “The waitress gave me her number.”

“That’s cause you’re cute, dummy, and she felt bad for you but not cause you’re good at flirting.” She dropped her hands and pointed a finger at him. “Now as the new God-”

“Shh! Nobody knows about that.” Jack sighed. “I only told you because you said siblings don’t keep secrets from each other.”

“Honestly, when I asked for your deep dark secret I thought it would have to do with murdering someone but being the big guy upstairs is really…something. But as God’s sister it’s my job to teach you all the big sister stuff.”

“Which is?”

Claire shrugs. “Hell if I know but I am gonna teach you how to be a normal millennial. Maybe actually listen to music people your own age listen too.”

“But Dean said-”

“I know what that old man says.” Jack laughs as he sits on Claire’s bed. “But he’s old and he doesn’t know what he’s talking about.”

“You know,” Jack whispers. “Dad listens to Lizzo and Beyonce behind Dean’s back. We listen to it on our hunts.”

Claire laughs as she falls back on her bed. They spent the next few minutes laying on her bed and exchanging experiences. They were both lying on the bed facing the ceiling hugging the stuffed animals Cas had gotten them, Claire had a grumpy cat while Jack had a Chewbacca. They both talked about their Mom’s and whatever Claire remembered about her father, Jimmy. 

It was nice to have someone Jack could talk to that understood his weird family dynamic. 

“Jack! Claire! Dinner’s ready!” Jody called out to them and they both looked at each other with a smile before getting up to eat.

Kaia was already setting up the table. Saying she got home a while ago but wanted to give them some sibling bonding time. Claire kissed her girlfriend hello before Jack gave her a hug.

Patience walked in half way through dinner and ended up sitting next to Jack, both of them feeling awkward especially now that Jack knows she thought he was cute. Dean never did finish giving him the talk. Claire teased them both and Kaia luckily stopped her before Jack flew away in embarrassment. He really didn’t want to be….angel-y? While he was staying with Jody. He wanted to be a normal young adult. Even though he was 5 years old. Well 5 and a half.

“Donna is going to visit later this week so maybe we can have a family day out or something.” Jody tells them as Jack dried the dishes and Kaia washes. Patience went to take a shower while Claire put the leftovers in Tupperware containers for Alex when she came home.

“I would love that.” Jack tells her and she smiles back, motherly and warm. He hasn’t had that since Mary or his actual mother and missed it.

Day 2

Claire told Jody they were going to see a movie but she took him to a bar. He realized that was the reason she wanted him to bring his fake ID. He told her he didn’t like lying but she reminded him it was part of their job. He reminded her that they weren’t on a job. 

“Then let’s find a quick one!”

They ended up finding a couple of vampires and Claire had told Jack to use his hunting skills instead of his powers. He was busy swinging a machete to the last vamp that towered over them both, when Jody walked in. Calling their names in a Mom voice that made them both freeze. The vamp shoved Jack out of the way and threw Claire across the room but Jody chopped his head off before he did any further damage. 

Now they sat in the back of a cop car, bruised and covered in blood, while being lectured all the way home about being irresponsible. 

Day 3

They talked all night, Claire from her bed while Jack slept on the floor because he hogs the blankets. They talk about what they wished they would be doing if they were normal. They talk about how every time Cas talked about life lessons or whatever to them it makes them feel guilty because they never want to let him down. All he wants is for them to be happy and they can’t even get that right.

Claire talked about her found family here and about her relationship with Kaia, who was sharing a room with Patience for the week.

Jack was jealous as he talked about wanting to find someone special.

“Hey it took our Dad how long to find Dean?”

“I don’t want to be alone for thousands of years!”

“Thousands! Wow, Dad’s old. Gross.”

In the morning they had chores before Claire drove Jack to Alex’s work to “bother” her. Really, it was to bring her some lunch and have Jack create a miracle or two on some patients. Alex didn’t freak out, just smiled warmly at him and it made him feel proud of his power.

“Thanks man.” Alex patted his shoulder. “You’re welcome to come by anytime but leave the little brat at home next time.”

“Hey! He’s my little brother. We’re kind of a packaged deal now.”

Alex rolled her eyes fondly before telling them to leave. “Go bother your girlfriend at the school or something.”

So that’s where they headed off next. Bothering Kaia was much different than bothering Alex because Kaia was in a classroom where they couldn’t go in. So Jack and her waited on some outside table while he watched students walk from building to building. 

Claire talked about how boring it was to be just a student. Blind to the world of the supernatural but once again Jack was jealous. He had that option taken away from him and while he loved his family, he wished they would have given him a different career choice. 

Kaia comes out and grins at them both. They all go out to have a late lunch and it felt so normal.

Day 4

Patience was still hiding away from Jack and he felt bad that he made her feel awkward in her own home. Especially since the place was way smaller than the bunker so the only place she could hide was her room.

“Patience! Jack wants to know if you wanna see a movie with us on the couch.” Claire called out to her and before Jack could say anything she continued with, “Come on, you can stare at him the whole time if you want!”

“Claire!” He covers his face in his hands in embarrassment but Patience comes out to join them for the movie anyways. Jack sat in between them on the couch, unable to pay attention to the scary movie Claire has picked out for them to watch.

Luckily Patience hugged a pillow while Jack jumped into Claire’s arms during a jump scare. He also did manage to blow up the TV but he quickly fixed it before Jody got home.

That night Jack text’s Dean. Asking him how he should flirt.

Day 5

Donna came over and gave him a big hug. He liked her and the dinner table was crowded while they talked about their lives. Hunting as well as their regular everyday lives. They all seemed to have a nice mix of both while Jack’s every day was the hunting life. The fixing heaven and hell life. The whole monster-fighting and being the new God life. 

So he instead opted to just listen to the women talk and enjoyed the familiar family banter. He missed his Dads.

Day 6

Jody and Donna took them to the lake.

Jody talked about how Bobby, not the other world Bobby but her Bobby, used to take Sam and Dean to the same lake as kids. They were far enough from anybody seeing them that Jack decided to maybe show off just a little. Doing normal stuff like walking on water or parting the water so Patience can grab that nice rock she wanted. Nothing major.

He also found out he liked when someone plays with his hair. Claire has been doing it when they talked and he rested his head on her lap but now he likes it more when it’s Patience because she’s cute to look at. She finally talks to him, feeling comfortable talking about her own psychic powers. She has visions and feels energy around her.

“Your energy is so big it honestly made me feel queasy the first few times I was around you.” She laughed and Jack frowned at her feeling bad that he made her sick but she continued. “Now. I kind of like it. It’s soothing and warm.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” She smiled and Jack felt his heart race in excitement. 

Lightning struck down and hit a tree setting it on fire. Nobody could prove it was him that caused it cause it was night time and the sky was…clear. Yeah, maybe it was him but he got nervous!

Claire was the only one that knew it was him and  made him put the fire out. Then pulled him to her instead so he won’t cause another natural disaster. He pouted a lot as he rested his head on Claire’s shoulder but watched Patience the whole time.

Day 7

“You know you’re always welcomed here, Jack.” Jody was hugging him goodbye as Sam gave him the all clear to come back. “Even if you just want to hang out and get away from your crazy Dads for an afternoon. Just pop in whenever.”

Jack hugged her back and thanked her.

Then he was hugging Claire, “Stay at the bunker some time. Dad misses you.”

“I text him all the time!” She rolled her eyes when she pulled away. “But I’ll stop by more.”

He hugged everyone goodbye, even Patience let him hug her. Before he flew away from the living room.

“Dads! I’m home!” He calls out as he appears in the bunkers kitchen, dropping off the Tupperware containers on the counter. “Jody made you guy’s food!”

“Hell yeah!” He hears Dean before he sees him walk into the kitchen. Cas trailing behind him with a warm smile. “Hey, kid!”

“Hello, how was your honeymoon?” Jack asked and Dean choked on mashed potatoes.

[mayraki]

The Trained Assassin.

Spencer Reid series. Part 5 (1/2)

Not my gif! Credits to the owner.

Summary: Life’s not easy when you found out that instead of being trained to be a spy for the CIA, you are being trained to be an assassin, a killer. The people you wanted to stop, they were making you one. That’s when you joined the BAU to become someone new, you didn’t want to be someone’s toy. You wanted your past to be arrased, that’s all. But it’s not easy to hide a past like that.

Warning: graphic descriptions!

MASTERLIST

“A visit to the past”

The music was loud and your drink was strong, just how you liked it.

You were at a bar with the team, and the alcohol was the main character this beautiful night.

“I’m going to get another drink!” You said and Emily nodded.

You went to the bar and you noticed a really hot stranger waiting for his drink. The alcohol took over your body and you got next to him, brushing his elbow with your hand while you were reaching for the menu on the counter.

You noticed that he looked at you and you made yourself very interested in the drinks, even if you knew all of them.

“A Moscow Mule, please.” You said to the bartender and she nodded.

“You have nice taste” the man next to you said.

You looked up to him and nodded “I know” you smiled and he let out a little smile.

You had to take a good thing in your years of training, and seduction was one of them. And you were fucking good at it.

“So, are you here alone?” He asked.

“No, i’m here with my co-workers” you gave him a half smile. “You?”

“Alone” He said taking a sip from his whiskey.

You looked at Emily, JJ and Garcia on your table and they were looking at you. Garcia had her moth open in full surprise and you winked at her.

“Here you have, y/n” the bartender said and you gave her the tip.

“The bartender knows your name, you come here often?” He asked.

“Great work detective” you smiled and he let out a little laugh. “Yeah, it’s close to work” you looked down at his lips for more than two seconds, to make sure he notices your move.

He smiled and pulled out a card he had on his pocket and gave it to you “Well, let me know if you are coming back tomorrow. Maybe I’ll drop by again if you are”

You grabbed the car and looked at it.

“Lawyer. Come prepared I see?” You said “are you used to giving your number to random girls?”

“No, not at all. Only the special ones get the card”

“Oh, I see, and you think I’m special”

“Absolutely” He said with a smile.

“But baby, you haven’t seen me in action yet” you whispered in his ear and walked towards your table were the girls were waiting for you with big smiles on their faces.

“Lawyer” you put his card on the table and Garcia grabbed it.

“That was amazing” she said.

“What was?” You said taking a sip from your drink.

“You. The way you got this guy. And five others. Five guys turned their heads while you were walking. I counted.”

You laughed and suddenly felt an arm around you “What are this beautiful ladies doing?” Morgan spoked and you smiled at him.

“Waiting for you, my prince” Garcia said.

He smiled and went towards her, giving her a kiss on her cheek.

“What’s this?” Spencer asked looking at the card.

“Y/n successfully seduced a lawyer” Garcia said.

“You naughty girl!” Morgan said jokingly.

“He gave you his card? What a show off” Spencer said putting the card back on the table.

“You ok pretty boy?” Morgan asked him.

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?” He cleared his throat.

You noticed that Garcia smirked at Morgan and you didn’t want to give much thought into it.

“I haven’t had any action in months” Emily said and everyone looked at her with surprise because of her confession.

“My poor baby girl” Garcia said.

“Teach me” Emily said looking at me with puppy eyes.

“Me?”

“Yes! That guy gave you his number in less than five minutes. You’re good, teach girl!”

JJ laughed at Emily’s sudden change.

“Alright, I can’t teach you with words. I have to show you.” She nodded and you looked around. “See? That guy over there. He’s close so you’ll be able to hear me. Look at me, but you’re a profiler, see beyond the words”

You stood up and felt Spencer move uncomfortably. You didn’t care because your were too focused on this guy.

You passed him like you were trying to look something, when you dropped ‘unintentionally’ your keys next to him.

“Hey, you dropped this”

You turned to him and gave him a smile. You grabbed your keys and looked at him up and down, but slowly and smiled even bigger.

“Can I ask you something?” You asked.

“Sure, whatever you want.” He said.

Alright, he’s already behind you. Easy.

“Do you believe in the phrase ‘Everything happens for a reason’?” You smiled at him to let him know that this was one of those moments.

“Yeah, absolutely” you smiled and touched his shoulder.

“I’m glad”

“Are you here alone?”

You wanted to see if the girls were listening to this, so you looked over your table but instead you locked eyes with Spencer, he looked uncomfortable, he had the most serious face you’ve ever seen on him. His drink was done and before you looked away, you noticed that he was going to take another sip even tho the drink was empty.

Is he jealous?

“No, I’m here with my friends so I can’t stay with you a lot longer”

“That’s a shame, but if you come here again, let me know” he grabbed his card and handed to you.

What’s up with work cards today?

“I will” you kissed him on the cheeck and went back to your table.

“Amazing! You have a talent” Garcia said.

A chair made a noise and it was Spencer when he stood up and went outside. You followed him with your eyes but Emily caught your attention.

“I think someone didn’t like that” she said still looking at the way Spencer went.

“What?” You asked.

“He’s been looking at you all night” JJ said.

“Really?” She nodded and you looked again at the outside door.

You were questioning if following him was a good idea.

Maybe he just wanted to get some fresh air...

You got up and went to the door just to see if he left the bar, deep down you didn’t want him to, you wanted to talk to him like last time.

But when you went outside, you immediately noticed him talking closely to a girl. Your heart skipped a beat and you quickly went inside again, trying to not give much thought into it. But something made it extremely hard.

***

“There’s been a murder last night, a woman named Evgenia Oblonsky.”

You looked up from your file as soon as that name came out of JJ’s mouth. She was one of your old teachers when you were working for the CIA.

Hotch looked at you because he knew, but you nodded telling him that you were ok.

“Her body was found at her apartment, with a shot to her head in the forehead. She used to work for the CIA”

“The CIA?” Garcia asked with a tone of shook in her voice.

“There’s no clues, no leads, there’s nothing. So they want us to get involve in this.”

You sighed once the meeting was over and Hotch called you into his office.

“You ok?” You nodded “Did you knew her?”

“Yeah, she was one of my teachers. How could they let this happend?”

“I don’t know. But I need you to go back, y/n. To the place you were trained. You know we have to talk with her co-workers and find out more about her. And you are the best shot to do so. You know them better than we do.”

You sighed. The fact that you had to go back made your skin tense.

“I’ll go. It’s just... this doesn’t feel right.”

“Why is that?”

“This is someone with experience, there’s no way that they have no leads. One of the rules they used to teach us keeps coming back to my head, ‘Make sure to never leave anything behind. Have a clear path.” I’m sure Evgenia was smart enough to leave something without the killer noticing. So the killer knew what they were doing. And probably... even trained with her”

***

The building that you were used to see for almost eleven years was in front of you. The chills it gave you made you remember the first time that you saw it when you were twelve, you were so little and full of hope that this was going to be your new home. But nothing went according to your thoughts.

Nothing changed since the last time you saw it, the walls were still a sad color of grey and the giant black door was still scary as hell. You used to think of the building as Hogwarts like in Harry Potter, but what happened inside was no magic, but the contrary.

“It is bigger than I expected” Morgan said when you two and Spencer walked into the building.

“Welcome.” A dry voice said behind you and recognised it immediately.

You turned to the voice and the woman that ‘adopted’ you 13 years ago, was in front of you. Headmaster and Agent Agnia Smirnov, with her blonde bun on top of her head, her rid lipstick and her grey clothes. Same as you remembered.

“Hi, we are Agents Morgan, y/ln, and Dr. Reid.” Morgan said and you felt that he was a little bit intimidated by her.

Derek, this is only the beginning.

“I know who you are. I heard you were coming.” And there it was, she always had to be the one who was smarter than everyone else. “If you want to talk, we can do it in my office.”

Morgan nodded “Lead the way.”

She started to walk but you knew exactly were it was, the amount of times you were in there because they had to inform you about your missions, that was something you didn’t miss.

The smell of that perfume hit you like a rock and took you back ten years ago. Walking those corridors with books on your hands and trying to remember everything for your tests. With your ballet shoes, trying not to be late for class.

When the classic music touched your ears, you knew exactly what it was. As you were walking, a giant glass took over the wall and a bunch of ballerinas appeared on the other side.

The were so connected to each other, it didn’t look that there were five dancers, it was like there was only one and the other ones were the shadows.

A flashback of your trying to remember the steps appeared on your head.

“Y/n, remember your pointy feet. Delicate hands. Delicate hands. Shoulders back. Up! Up! Up!”

“Ballet?” Morgan asked.

When he asked that question, you remembered something your old teacher used to say.

“Always keep your enemies on their toes, unless your enemy is a ballerina. That’s where they are strongest.” his face of confusion didn’t change, and he looked back at the dancers trying to think.

“What is it that you wanted to talk?” Agnia said once you stepped inside her office.

“We want to talk about Evgenia. Do you know if she was involved in anything that she wasn’t supposed to?”

“No, not that I know of” she said while sitting down at her desk.

“Maybe, she had trouble with someone. Has anyone came here that was unusual and wanted to talk to her?” Spencer asked.

“No. She was always with her students.”

Lie.

“Did she ever tell you about someone she was seeing?” Morgan asked looking around the office.

“No. We didn’t talk about that stuff. And Agent, you can stop looking at my office now, there is nothing here that can help you.” She said and you closed your eyes.

Typical.

“Sorry, thank you for your time Ms. We will leave you now.” Morgan said trying to leave that office as soon as possible.

You left the office but you knew that there was something she wasn’t telling you. She wanted to talk to you alone, that’s why she wasn’t talking and she knew you were going to figure that out.

“Guys, I think I’m going to ask her some more questions” you said.

“Are you sure you want to be there alone with her?” Morgan asked “She’s kinda...”

“Intimidating? I know. I can handle it, trust me.”

Morgan nodded and walked away but you grabbed Spencer by the arm and he looked at you.

“I need to read the file JJ put together. Could you call Garcia and tell her if she can send it to me?”

“Why don’t you ask your friend from last night to help you?”

You stood there for a second because his response took you by surprise “What?”

“Never mind....” he was going to go where Morgan went but you stopped him.

“Spencer, wait. What do you mean?”

“Nothing.���

“No, it’s clearly not nothing. Spencer, what’s wrong?”

“Y/n! It’s nothing! I can call Garcia.” He said rolling his eyes and before you could stop him, he walked away.

You stood there for a couple of seconds in shook because you couldnt understand why Spencer was acting this way. You knew that something made him uncomfortable last night, but you didn’t think that he was this jealous.

You tried to ignore this thoughts and walked towards Agnia’s office.

“Come in, y/n” she said once you knocked on the door.

You rolled your eyes and opened the door.

“I knew you were coming back” she said while reading a paper she had on her hand.

“Well, that’s what you wanted.”

“Yes, but not like this.” She said giving you the look that she always used to give you. Since you left the CIA, she wanted you to come back, she used to see you as one of her best accomplishments.

“What aren’t you telling us?” You said going to the point. You wanted to leave.

“There’s nothing I am not telling you”

You sat down in front of her and she looked at you. “Oh, this takes me back” but she went back to her paper.

“I know what you’re thinking”

“You do? What? The work of a profiler made you more intelligent? Is that it? Is that what you want to show me?”

“No. You taught me this.” And there it was.

She put down her paper and took off her tiny glasses. Her blue eyes felt like they were penetrating you. Like she used to do. She was reading you. But you made sure you weren’t giving her much.

“What am I thinking, then?” She asked closing his glasses and putting them in order on her desk.

“You think one of your students did it.”

She try to not look uncomfortable and hide it perfectly, but thanks to her you were able to catch it.

“And what do you think?” She asked.

“The same as you.”

“It can’t be”

“You always trusted your instincts. Why change now?”

She stayed there in silence still trying to read you.

“You don’t think I did it, do you?” You asked trying to be one step before her.

“I wouldn’t think you’re capable of doing that.” she said trying to sound convincing.

“Lies. You know what I am capable of. You trained me. You made me. Isn’t that it? Why would you think I did it?”

“I don’t know”

“You don’t know? But you always knew everything”

“Don’t play games with me, y/n”

“I’m not playing games, I just want to do my job. That’s why I’m going to watch one of you classes today with my team.”

She opened her eyes widely and stood up.

“I don’t teach my students to kill their own teachers!”

And that was not what you were thinking, but you knew that she was embarrassed for it. She couldn’t face the fact that something went wrong with her teaching methods. She is the perfect one. Nothing goes wrong. It can’t.

“We will see” you said and walked quickly outside the office.

“Everything alright with you two?” Morgan asked Spencer while they were looking around in the academy.

“Who?” Spencer asked trying to avoid the question. “Maybe we can go here, hey, do you know if...?”

“Hey, don’t change the subject, you and Y/n, you seemed a little bit weird last night and the fact that you came later when we separated it means that you two talked, is something wrong?”

“No, nothing’s wrong.” Spencer said without making eye contact with Morgan.

“Hey, don’t make me profile you.” Morgan said jokingly to try break the tension. “C’mon, we’re not teenagers, it’s pretty clear what going on. With you and her, and you know it but don’t want to accept.”

“I don’t have anything to accept.”

“Ok, if you don’t, then why did you talked to her like that when you two were alone?”

“Wait, did you listened to us?”

“I came back and I didn’t want to interrupt because you clearly were having something going on in there. That’s not normal for you to react like that. She doesn’t deserve that either.

Maybe Morgan was right, Spencer did felt bad after treating you like that. Since he never talked to you about potentially having a little crush on you, it’s normal that you never suspected anything and go flirt with other guys.

You came out of Agnia’s office and immediately made eye contact with Spencer who was walking towards you.

“Hey, you did it go?” He asked.

He’s really rude and then seconds later he’s normal again?

“She thinks that one of her students did it, and to be honest, so do I.”

“Why would you think that?”

You sighed. You didn’t want to explain it. You didn’t know how. How are you going to say that this type of kills were perform by really well trained killers, and you knew because you are on of them.

“She said, that this type of kills is what they teach. One shot to the head, no leads, no sign of force entry. Everything is clean. That’s what they do. And I agree with her, this is not something we’ve seen before. I’ve told her that we’re going to see her classes, if the student is here, maybe we can catch something.” Spencer nodded. “Where’s Morgan?”

“He’s interviewing some students.” You nodded slowly and felt Spencer’s eyes on you. “Hey... I wanted to say sorry.”

You gave him a small smile and nodded. “It’s ok, sometimes we’re allowed to go crazy when it’s a case like this.”

“Yes, but the case is not why I went crazy...” he said but Morgan cut him off.

“Hotch just called me, we need to hurry. There’s been another kill.”

*****

PART 5 (2/2)

taglist: @itsarayofsunshine @whothefuckstolemykeds @haykayhesson @enigma-xlii @introvertedsin @mylovehes @infires420 @uwu-sebastianstan @my-life-is-here-soo @spencersdolore

If I didn’t tag you it’s because I can’t find you when I type your name. Sorry!

[wifeofkimtaehyungofbts]

Chapter 11

>> Pairing: Taehyung x Y/N, Taehyung x reader

>> Words: 2,379

>> Notes: I’m going to upload a new chapter whenever possible. Please bear with my hectic schedule! You may leave asks and let me know what you think of my writing (:

Synopsis: You run into a rather strange man one night. He seems terrified, as if fighting battles only he can see. He seems detached from the world, talking only to a voice inside his head. Oh, another strange fact: he keeps talking about angels. You discover later that you were the angel he was praying to.

>> Previous / Next

**

“Hey"

I jolted at the sudden voice echoing against the walls of the eerily quiet changing room of the McDonald’s.

Jungkook was leaning against the door. His apron was thrown over his shoulder and he cocked his head at me.

“Wanna go out tonight?”

“Huh?” I wasn’t quite sure I heard him right. Jeon Jungkook. The guy that hardly ever talks to anyone. The handsome guy who shies away from girls at the cashier trying to get his number. The guy who leaves work without sparing a second for an after-work chat with his colleagues. Wants to go out with me?

I continued to stare at him in shock. Instead of breaking the awkward silence between us, he stared back at me. His dark chocolate brown eyes looked deep. Not in the romantic sense. It almost seemed like there was an entirely different person behind them. If the person differed from the one who stood before me in a good way or a bad way, I couldn’t tell. But what I could tell was that if I didn’t reply fast, we'd be staring into each other for all of eternity.

“Don’t you have work?” I raised an eyebrow at him. “You are supposed to fill me in tonight because Felix had an emergency at his house and couldn’t make it”

“I got someone else to cover for me" he shrugged.

I wanted to know more but I figured it didn’t really matter as long as my shift was covered and he didn’t get into trouble either.

“Gimme a minute. I need to wash my face” I said turning my back on him.

As I busied myself removing my hair tie and gathering my hair in a bun, I felt someone lightly brush against my back.  I wanted to turn but it felt too cold.

“You look beautiful Y/N" Jungkook whispers, his warm breath blowing the hair at the top of my head.

In reflexive panic, I grabbed my bag pack and dashed to the girl’s bathroom. I couldn’t calm my racing heart as I tried to shake off the eerie coldness I felt a few seconds ago.

Why did Jungkook come onto me so suddenly? And what’s with the compliment? I mean sure, thank you but it felt so off. He didn’t sound sweet or shy when he said it. He sounded stern, like he was stating a matter of fact I better believe else.... else?

Else what, Y/N? He was going to kill you??

I slapped myself for overthinking and washed my face before hurrying to the front. My colleagues were busy with customers so I couldn’t wave them goodbye. I stepped outside to the chilly air, spotting Jungkook standing by the road. I walked up to him and smiled warmly.

He looked down at me and smiled back. “Do you like pizza?”

“Who doesn’t!” I giggled, already drooling at the mere idea of pizza.

He laughed as we started walking towards the Arthur’s Pizzeria around the corner.

**

We were seated by the window across from each other. The table was too big for just us two, but we were glad no one else attempted to sit with us. It was fine, just the two of us.

We ordered our pizzas and spoke about ourselves as we waited for the food.

I found out Jungkook is from Busan and he was studying music at the campus. He was in fact a top graduate from Busan Arts School along with some guy whose name Jungkook doesn’t remember. He likes to play video games and tries new activities every weekend. Last week he had attempted fishing with a friend of his and they ended up catching no fish but a cold so bad, Jungkook requested for an extension on his vocal exam. Oh, and he hates reading.

I told him about the time I submitted the wrong thesis paper for my semester end assignment and had to retake the whole module all over again in the next semester. He asked my favourite colour, movie and book. He judged me for being a book worm and laughed when I pouted at him in annoyance.

Our food arrived soon and we didn’t talk as we devoured the delicious, thin, saucy pizza. I caught him watching me from the corner of my eye but I made no attempt to eat decently. It’s not like I want to impress him or anything anyways.

Three girls seated at the table next to us wooow’ed at the sight of Jungkook. They turned their attention to me and stared on with disgust.

“What’s someone like him doing with someone like her?”

“God knows! See this is why we never get to experience anything good. Because the good guys are always after someone so random”

“It must be true love if he actually chose someone like her. I mean, look at her hair!”

I could even hear their eye rolls as loud as I heard their words. It pricked and I found myself slowing my eating. I suddenly couldn’t chew anymore. I felt restrained. Like someone had put handcuffs and a leash on me and I had to strain against them to take a bite of my pizza.

Growing up, I haven’t had the most stable family. My fatherless life had involved trying to work odd jobs since I was 13 and missing out mile stones other girls got to experience during their teen years. My first kiss wasn’t under a starry night with my first love, it was rushed and filled with greed at the car park of the local book store. And he cheated on me a week later with the girl who sat next to me at chemistry. The man I first shared a bed with was not looking for a long-term relationship and left me when he found a full time, high wage job at his uncle’s company in New York. My mother was crippling, losing a bit of herself every passing day until one day she came down the stairs to have her tea and I couldn’t even recognize her anymore. My sisters were still too young to understand life and I didn’t want them to see the world as I saw it. I wanted them to have a happy childhood and experience life as any growing child should. They were sent away to my uncle’s and although they were more than willing to also let me stay, I needed away. I left my mother as she screamed indecent words at me one night and took the subway train that led me here. The letter of acceptance from the university was the only good thing that has ever happened to me. I soon became best friends with my room mate who is the polar opposite of me but somehow, we spoke to the same stars and saw life in the same light. My life has always been rushed, difficult to comprehend and there was no easy way through. Having to hear the body that pulled me through those sleepless nights of putting my scared sisters to sleep and locking their doors so my alcoholic mother couldn’t hurt them with her drunk violence, the same body that has cried itself to sleep after carrying stack after stack of recycle paper up 7 flight of stairs for very little pay and a terrible neck and back ache, the same body that is still living and breathing and pushing through, is not good enough, is less, is devastating. It makes me want to cry.

I didn’t ask for such a difficult life. Additionally, my face is the only remainder of who my mom used to be; I am the spitting image of her. The her that was over flowing with positivity and had a heart of gold. The her that lovingly brought my sisters and I into this world and took us cycling and cooked our favourite pasta for our birthdays. To think this face, this remainder of what she looked like, who she was, is less makes my heart crinkle around the edges and burn in the deepest pits of its centre.

“All good?”

I look up to see Jungkook looking at me worriedly.

“Oh yes! I just.... should stop eating else I’ll throw up" I laughed awkwardly.

Jungkook continued to munch on his pizza as he stared at me. He was trying to read the worry in my eyes, the sad drop of the corners of my lips. I couldn’t hide my emotions on my face even if the world depended on it, so I wouldn’t be surprised if any minute now Jungkook presses me for answers and stories. Stories I’d rather keep hidden like I have all this time.

“Okay" Jungkook hums as he takes another slice of pizza. I look at him, grateful he dropped the subject. I watched on as he ate. He didn’t once lift his eyes to mine. He busied himself finishing up his own pizza and the remainder of mine. I wasn’t shocked he ate so much given the fact that he was full of muscle and stamina.

I looked out the window at the busy street. People walked by, carrying the weight of their lives on their shoulders. The lights from cars and street lights looked like stars on Earth from where I was seated. I felt a sudden sense of closure knowing I could disappear into the night, walk mindlessly around these people and no one would know who I am. I’d have no one to explain or compare myself to. Nobody would know what’s going on inside my head. Frankly, nobody would care enough to know. And it felt nice. To not be alive and surviving. I wanted to be light, float over the Earth and find my purpose at my own pace without trying to catch up with the rest of the world only to fall short of breath and lost.

“I don’t know what’s going on in that pretty head of yours, but I’ll listen if you share” Jungkook wipes the corner of his mouth with a tissue. He has cleaned the trays of pizza without leaving behind even a trace of any food being there. I smiled kindly at his words.

“Thank you Jungkook. But I’m not thinking about anything that needs concerning attention”

My smile doesn’t reach my eyes and I know he noticed it. He pays the bill entirely despite me fussing about wanting to split the bill. We make our way back to my house, the breeze a little colder and stronger than yesterday, reminding us of the oncoming winter.

**

I pace the living room painfully slow, waiting.

Waiting for her to come back home.

Daffodil.

I have been practising what I wanted to say as I give her the present over and over again in my head. I had wrapped it neatly in a brown paper bag and tied with an orange ribbon I found on her study table. The wrapping was not at all attractive, but it was neat and I hoped she would see the value of the gift that’s wrapped rather than the wrapping itself.

I look at the time. 09.19pm.

She was supposed to be back a long time ago. I heard her making arrangements yesterday to leave early from work today. I had cleaned the entire house; sweeping the wooden floor boards, removing cobwebs and brushing off the dust that had collected on top of the cupboards and TV.

I did not have a phone on me and even if I did, its not like I had her number anyway. I sighed loudly and slumped on the cold floor. My eyes kept fluttering, threatening to close for hours. My shoulders felt heavy and I couldn’t pull myself up off the floor. I rested my head on the floor and allowed my eyes to close. The coldness from the floor piercing my right cheek was the last thing I was aware of before I drifted off to a sleep full of nightmares.

**

I saw it again.

The playground.

The swing.

The boy.

I was playing in the park around the corner from school. I had sand in my old, torn shoes and my school tie was hanging loosely around my neck. My hair was a mess and sweat dripped off the ends of my bangs. I was having too much fun running around to stop. I sat at one of the swings and turned to face the boy seated in the other.

“Hey!” I waved brightly.

He did not respond, his head bent low and slowly swinging. He had dark brown hair and a piercing in his left ear. I could not see his face because it was surprisingly too dark on the side of the swing he was on. It was almost as if a dark cloud was looming over him, night fallen on the side of the Earth he was on.

I turned away and focused on swinging as high up as I can. However, my merry only lasted for a short while because I had swung a little too high and as I swung back, I was thrown off the seat and face first onto the dirty sand. I got up spitting sand out of my mouth. Any average person would have shrieked in disgust and run straight home for a good shower at what just happened. But I just laughed, almost choking on my spit as I attempted to spit sand out of my mouth.

“Pathetic”

The boy suddenly spoke. His voice was soft, melodic and had a boyish charm to it.

He’d make a great singer if he could sing, I thought to myself.

I turned to look at him, mirth sparkling in my eyes.

“Ha! So you can speak! I thought-” I began but had to stop at the sight before me.

My eyes grew wide in terror as the boy lifted his head to reveal a face with no features except for a gaping hole where his mouth should be. A dark liquid oozed out of his ears, supposed-mouth and where his eyes should’ve been.

My breath caught in my throat as I tried to scream again and again, but no sounds came out.

**

Tag list: @tae-n-u​

[ker-sunshine]

Thanks @vierschanzentournee Eve for tagging me, it's very appreciated <33

nickname: since my name is Kerstin but I'm surrounded by Swabians I get often called "Kärschdin" instead <3 😂

zodiac: virgo

height: i don't know the exact number but it's more or less 170cm

last movie I saw: Mamma Mia! aka my comfort movie(s)

last thing I googled: "Cerise Wood Ever After High Doll" (I can't believe that they cost more than 150€ now :/ I wanted one ffs)

favorite musician: hmm as always i can't really choose but I'll say Avicii or KEiiNO

song stuck in my head: Au Revoir by Mark Forster ft. Sido

other blogs: @ski-jumper-stan is my blog for all things sports, ski jumping, winter sports, football and eurovision <3

blogs following: I follow 890 ppl and have 157 followers (I suspect that a good chunk of the followers are porn blogs :/)

amount of sleep: sometimes 4 to 5 hours, sometimes 7 to 9 hours, it really varies

lucky number: 13 :D

what am I wearing: Hogwarts t-shirt with a big hole in it :'), jeans, socks with bees on them and my glasses

dream job: never had a dream job but I'm starting my job training in September so I'll pick the occupation I'm studying towards as my dream job (I don't know the English word for it and am too lazy to look it up)

dream trip: I'd really love to go all over Europe to a looot of countries by train to a) experience all the beautiful nature and b) meet some tumblr friends. I don't even care which countries I'd go to but seeing one of the Nordic countries in winter would be really cool since snow is really lacking here

favorite food: Spätzle with basically anything

play an instrument: I play the (concert/classical) guitar. I stopped having lessons this year and I miss it. I'm not that great at it but it was fun. But because I don't like to play in front of others or where people could here I just... don't.

languages: native is German but I feel like I'm pretty fluent in English xD

favorite songs: I've got to choose something, huh? I give myself three songs: "Auf uns" by Andreas Bourani for that 2014 nostalgia, "Little Talks" by Of Monsters And Men and "Ignite" by Alan Walker, K-391, Julie Bergan & Seungri because I can listen to these on repeat for ages :)

random fact: my favourite animal is the penguin and i have a silicone thingy for ice that makes the ice cubes look vaguely like penguins :D

describe yourself as aesthetic things: i'm skipping this one cuz I don't have a idea what to write

tagging noone but if you want to do this, feel tagged!!!

[keelywolfe]

FIC: Beneath an Aurora Sky ch. 20

Summary: The South Pole Station is equipped for research and Edge has always made sure things run smoothly for the inhabitants. His charges are meant to follow his rules and regulations, and in turn, he makes sure they survive in the arctic temperatures. It takes plenty of hard work and determination and Edge, along with his crew, can handle both.

He wasn’t counting on one of the newest researchers. He wasn’t expecting Rus.

Tags: Spicyhoney, First Time, Arctic AU, Hurt/Comfort

~~*~~

Chapter One | Chapter Two | Chapter Three | Chapter Four

Chapter Five | Chapter Six | Chapter Seven | Chapter Eight

Chapter Nine | Chapter Ten | Chapter Eleven | Chapter Twelve

Chapter 13 | Chapter 14 | Chapter 15 | Chapter 16 | Chapter 17

Chapter 18 | Chapter 19

~~*~~

Read Chapter 20 on AO3

or

Read it here!

~~*~~

As Edge was walking towards the vehicle shed, he caught an acrid hint of cigarette smoke in the air. He followed it, not inside but around the back and sitting in the shadows of the halogen lights was Rus.

Edge could hardly disguise his approach, the crunch of his boots in the hard-packed snow would have carried in the still icy air long before he came around the corner. But Rus made no attempt to hide. He stayed where he was, a burning cigarette dangling from his gloved fingers as he gazed up at the aurora-filled sky.

He’d already been out here for some time while Edge and the others spoke with Toriel and Gaster. The cold would soon be seeping through his outdoor gear no matter how good it was, sinking its chill into Rus’s bones. Monsters felt the cold less than Humans did but they were by no means immune to it. They could be sickened, frostbitten, and some, like Alphys, tolerated it even less than Humans. As a skeleton, Rus’s endurance should match Edge and Red’s.

Then again, who knew the boundaries of a skeleton from an entirely other universe.

Edge sat down next to Rus, drawing up his knees to rest his arms on them. He looked up at the swirling aurora overhead, the blur of colors rippling together in tangled waves, a sky ocean born of solar particles colliding with the atmosphere.

“it’s so beautiful here.” Rus’s voice was almost too loud in the hush.

“Yes,” Edge agreed in a voice to match.

It was. His intention when they’d first arrived here was only to find a safe place for those in his care, Alphys and Undyne and his still-wounded brother, and later, for Bonnie. Somewhere they could be certain of their meals and shelter. Nothing more than a job to replace the one he lost with the guard and a feeble attempt at that.

He hadn’t expected to find beauty in the glacial whiteness, nor in the endless night sky. He never anticipated the satisfaction that came with seeing another group off, knowing he’d protected them and guided them through this dangerous beauty. He couldn’t have known how Undyne and Alphys would blossom here, both their love for each other and their lives, settling into their place. Or that Red would slowly find his own footing and perhaps he’d never adore the Humans that came here, but he had his own pride in his work, kept all the equipment in top form and helped Alphys in her designs for new additions for the station. And Bonnie, who’d come to them later and never discussed her own inner wounds, yet still seemed to be healing from them. Together they’d created a place of safety for them, a home.

Even after all that, he never could have braced himself for Rus. Who’d settle into their home like he belonged here, their missing puzzle piece. Only it seemed as if he’d come not from their picture, but an entirely different box.

“he told you, didn’t he.” It was impossible to tell if the fog of Rus’s breath was from the cold or the cigarette.

Edge said nothing. His promise to Toriel specified he couldn’t reveal what they’d spoken about. It did not preclude discussing it at all and he only waited as Rus chuckled bitterly, filling in the silence on his own.

“it’s funny,” Rus drawled, flicking ash into the snow, “i came all the way to the end of the world to escape my past and it still came after me.”

Edge thought of Toriel, currently cramped into one of the spare rooms and probably trying not to scrape her horns against the ceiling. “I know the feeling.”

“yeah, i know,” Rus said, grimacing, “i’m sorry. part of the deal of tori sponsoring me was i’d keep mum about back home. i promised.”

“I understand.”

“yeah, well, if i’d known they were gonna pop in unexpectedly, i would’ve warned you about that much, anyway.” Rus’s expression crumpled slightly, going brittle around the edges. “look, i love tori, she’s been nothing but good to me. moms her way into everything. but you guys got your reasons to not want her around, i get that.”

“Rus,” the cloud of his own breath briefly obscured his vision as Edge sighed, “even if they are here because of you, that doesn’t make it your fault.”

“doesn’t it? think what pissed me off most is i know dings is right,” Rus murmured. “he’s can be a little rough saying it, but he means well.”

The resignation in Rus’s voice made Edge bristle, “He accused you of being nothing more than a key made for a particular lock.”

“truth hurts.” It was startling to realize how he’d categorized Rus’s smiles in his own head, the bright, fake one and the softer, shyer truthful one that came with a measure of trust. This one was entirely new, tainted with deep bitterness, “bet big brother didn’t fill in the details, so let me give you the highlights of our family tree.”

“see, our pop was the royal scientist in our world, the real deal. i call him pop, but that’s mostly because it annoyed him. he wasn’t really our father, he was a dna donor. he didn’t even name us, we named ourselves.” Rus was sitting right next to Edge here in the deep cold and still seemed miles away, no, not miles, he was in another world entirely. “dings took his name. not like he really knew there were many options past that or just getting called number one. just as well, i guess, looks more like him than me or blue. dings named blue and they both named me.”

He slanted a glance at Edge, his bright eye lights dimmed behind his goggles. “dings was still really young when blue popped out, what did he know about names? baby bro’s magic was blue, so that’s what he went with. i came a few more years down the line and by then, they’d raided the librarby and found out that papyrus is a traditional skeleton monster name.” He chuckled then, some of the bitterness of his smile invading the sound. “like anything about us was traditional.”

“we were his own personal test tube babies, homegrown like fucking cabbages, and gaster made us to fulfill a specific role. see, the core was important work, sure, but what he was really trying to do was make a machine that could get us past the shield. turns out, third time is the charm for our old man. he made dings and blue first but neither of them could use void magic. i was his hail mary, his last shot, and whaddaya know, it worked.” Rus scowled, tamped out his burning butt into the snow. He dropped it into his little tin and lit another, inhaling deeply and breathing out a cloud of smoke. “he never let me forget what i was for, but dings and blue always tried to be the best brothers they could. after pops kacked, it wasn’t until dings got that machine working that it even came up again.” He shrugged, barely visible through the layers of his heavy coat. “i got to forget for a while, at least.”

Edge said nothing, what could he say? His childhood was hardly one ease and joy; it more resembled the fairy tales that Red sometimes read to him when he still the shorter of the two, listening with wide sockets to gruesome tales that seemed all too possible. It seemed Rus had his own experiences with a sort of wicked stepfather and it was every bit as terrible as those stories. The urge to pull him close, to keep him safe, was itching in Edge and he forcibly held it back, let Rus tell his story.

“i never expected the machine to actually work,” Rus admitted. “dings was messing with it for so long. then we were here. my bro was only supposed to talk to the royal scientist and we were gonna hightail it back. easy peasy lemon squeezy.” Rus chuckled darkly, “turned out the lemonade was too sour after all. dings was pretty upset to find out the guy he was looking for was gone and so was his successor.”

Rus’s smile eased into something warmer, familiar, “it was tori who got me to start studying, you know. my bros always kept me on a tight leash back home, it was dangerous to even go outside, but here? i went out, tried to make some friends, ended up sleeping around some. wasted time,” Rus admitted, “tori suggested i work on my degree. i didn’t see the point at first, our pop always told us our purpose. i was there to power the machine. but, tori has this thing about being everyone’s mom.”

“Indeed, she does,” Edge murmured, recalling his days imprisoned after the coup, with good meals and care instead of execution.

“i think maybe that’s why she’s such a good queen. she told me pops was wrong,” Rus laughed a little in a puff of smokey breath and shook his head. “told me he was an asshole, actually, and that i deserved to have what i wanted out of life.”

“we argued about it, me and dings. drove blue nuts. blue was…he was the failure, pops said. at least dings was a scientist, but blue couldn’t even manage that. dings always told him his purpose was to be our caretaker and he tried damn hard at it.” Rus sighed, dropping his head back against the shed siding with a muffled thunk, “he hates it when we fight.”

“But you did it,” Edge said softly, “you got your degree, you’re working on your PhD and you’re doing a good job of it, at that.” Even through the growing cold he felt an inner warmth at the smile Rus flashed him, the real one.

“i did. i got so close.” Rus’s voice broke slightly, “things were horrible when we left, i can’t even imagine how they are now. and dings, he needs to fix the core. that was the skill that was built into him.” His smile soured back into bitterness, “it’s a compulsion, i don’t think he can help it. he has to be better than our pop. he has to be the one to save us all. blue believes everyone is worth saving, but he’s a protector, and me? i’m just a battery. i was never meant to have any of this.”

A honey-tinted tear slipped out from beneath his goggles and wound its way down, slowly freezing against the chilled bone of Rus’s skull and Edge’s control broke. He crawled across the short distance between them, scuffled through the snow and pulled Rus into his arms. He held on briefly, achingly tight before drawing back far enough to shake him, a little, and Rus looked at him with wide, startled eye lights.

“You are more than simply your father’s intentions,” Edge told him fiercely. “You’re brilliant and kind, and…and funny…wonderful…” He choked, unable to express the wild emotions burning in his soul; if there were words for it, Edge did not know them. Love was too shallow a word, too small, it couldn’t possibly hold everything Edge was feeling, all of it strangled in grief.

Rus reached up and his gloved fingers were gentle against Edge’s cheekbone. “it’s okay,” he said, softly, “i always knew we’d have to go back. i got to see this. i got to be with you. it’s okay,” he said again, crooned it, as if Edge were the one in pain. Perhaps he was, his soul ached as fiercely as if it was threatening to crack. “i saw so much here on the surface. i got to see the stars, i got to come here and see this.” He looked up at the sky, at the brilliant colors still churning within it along with a million twinkling lights looking down on them. “i was never going to get to stay, but i got to see this.”

“It’s not enough,” Edge said hoarsely. Not enough, Rus was supposed to leave here and go back into the sun, and instead, he was going where Edge could never follow, couldn’t protect him, and again, Edge would have given a portion of his own grieving soul not to see that sadness infecting Rus’s smile.

“i love you, you know,” Rus told him, achingly soft. “i know it’s not fair to tell you now, but i can’t keep it to myself. i need you to know it.”

Edge closed his sockets, shutting out Rus’s face and the aurora, saw only blackness and it wasn’t the cold that sent a tremor through him. Then he opened them again, looked into Rus’s face and saw the truth of it, the yearning. And the hopelessness. The need to say it back burned, words already forming on his tongue, but instead Edge blurted, “Stay the two weeks.”

Rus blinked, startled. That was clearly not the reaction he expected to his quiet confession, “but, the people—"

“It’s been two years,” Edge countered, “two weeks means nothing to your world and everything to you. Don’t let your brother’s compulsion drive you. Toriel—"

He almost said she was on his side, couldn’t, his knowledge was gleaned from their talk and words already thickening in his throat, his promise threatening to choke him when Rus kissed him softly, stopping him.

“i can guess about tori,” Rus said quietly, then, softer, “two more weeks.” He looked up again and even behind his goggles, the auroras couldn’t match the soft beauty of his eye lights. “there’s no stars back home. i’m gonna miss them.”

He fell silent, leaning against Edge’s side. Edge wrapped an arm around him and pulled Rus in closer, holding him tightly through the layers of his coat. He was starting to shiver; they were both getting too cold and he was about to suggest they move into the vehicle shed at the very least when Rus spoke again.

“it got so bad towards the end,” Rus whispered, “we stayed holed up in the lab, mostly, but we could see what was happening. monsters were getting more violent, losing control, gaining lv. pops’ diagrams on the core were incomplete. it was dings’s idea to come to another world and check theirs. i had to come, of course and we couldn’t leave Blue alone, so we all came.”

Rus kicked one booted foot idly, scraping up snow with his heel. “s’weird. even the snow is different here. back home it seems…stale somehow. used. maybe it’ll be better when dings gets the core up and running.” Rus sighed. “i never would have come to the station if i’d thought he was close to a breakthrough. it’s weird, i thought i had enough time.” Rus drew back a little, looking at Edge with that soft smile back in place. “but it sure wasn’t a waste.”

Almost, Edge kissed him again, hesitated with their mouths a breath away. Something about what Rus said niggled, something… “Weird.”

“heh,” Rus chuckled, “it’s double weird hearing you say weird. doesn’t seem like your kind of slang, bossman.”

Edge barely heard him. His brother had a breakthrough on the core, Rus said, an unexpected breakthrough. Edge cursed himself, replaying what Rus told him. He'd been foolishly focused on the information about Rus and why they were here, not on what changed to bring them to the station.

"What was your brother studying, exactly?” Edge demanded. He took Rus’s shoulders in both gloved hands, holding him, “You said he was looking for information about the Core."

Rus blinked uncertainly, his browbone furrowing, “um, papers, mostly. tori has lots of stuff from the old royal scientist, dings was wading through tons of it. i didn’t see much, he didn’t want any help. he was afraid we’d miss something. guess he found what he was looking for.”

“Yes, I think he did,” Edge said sourly, “A patsy.” Edge climbed to his feet and held out a hand to help Rus, “I’d like to know what was in those notes your brother found and I think we should ask the former royal scientist.”

“what?” Rus wobbled for a second, catching his balance after sitting for so long, “seriously? you think they’d talk to you? tori said they don’t—

“I should hope so,” Edge said, dryly, “she’s in her lab.” And very likely watching them on her cameras.

Rus went still, croaking out, “alphys??”

“You didn’t know?” Edge slanted Rus a look, but he believed him.

“no!” Rus spluttered, already heading back towards the station, Edge trailing after him. “tori didn’t talk about it, i didn’t even think to ask anyone else, why would i?”

“Maybe your brother isn’t as discriminating,” Edge said, under his breath, letting the wind tear the words away. It was more than a little suspicious that his brother solved the issue of core technology when Rus was in the only place that possessed a replica of the original. Edge didn’t believe in coincidence.

“Rus,” Edge jogged to catch up, taking hold of Rus’s elbow to stop him as he asked, “Do you trust me?”

“yes,” Rus said, unhesitatingly.

“I trust you, too,” Edge said, softly, and leaned in to give him a brief, chilly kiss. “Come on. You’re freezing and I have questions.”

“you’re the boss,” Rus said. It was only a shadow of his normally teasing self, but it was something. He took Rus’s gloved hand in his own and together, they made their way to the main building.

tbc

[flowerslightning]

Have you heard about PFA and MFA?

or the full name is ‘Psychological First Aid’ (PFA) and ‘Mental Health First Aid’ (MFA)

Can we relate it with Cloud Strife? As we all know, Cloud had mental illness and was struggling alone. Let’s take a quick look on this topic then and see if characters in FF7 ever give PFA/MFA to Cloud or to each other. This is going to be a looooong post although I tried to simplified it, so, yeah. Good luck reading this !

Disclaimer : I’m not a psychologist. I’m still a student and psych is not my major field. During my intern, other than we got exposed a lot about psychiatric disorders and ways to deal with them, we also got trained psychological first aid in emergency department. If it wasnt because of this quarantine, i would have finished my training in emergency field. There might be false interpretation here or there, forgive me for that and pls correct any mistake in this post

This will probably trigger LTD. Sorry, but I had to, Pls read this post with open mind. Keep in mind I like both Tifa and Aerith, i have no grudges agaisnt Barret, Vincent, Nanaki or Cid so I am not being bias with any of them. I forgot a lot of stuff in OG (I played it when I was really really small), so I will be using lots FF7R and AC references here (and a bit from OG, depends whatever I remember)

Good to go? Allow me to rant. Read it slowly and if u skip some of it, u’ll probably mislead my actual words, and u’ll be triggered af. Don’t come at me with madness if u dont read the whole post properly

What is PFA and MFA? Generally speaking, if Basic First Aid is about covering the wound to prevent further bleeding, then PFA (Psychological First Aid) and MFA (Mental Health First Aid) is like applying a bandage on ur mental to avoid u continue being distress. 

Usually, PFA is often associated with disaster event or terrorism, where large number of people got affected. Meanwhile, MFA focus in one person who is developing mental health prob or already in mental crisis due to certain traumas, such as vehicle accident, house burned and etc

 Pls note that, certain people NEED MFA while the others may NOT NEED it. It is important to respect their needs/wants. Some victims may refuse verbally but they ACTUALLY NEED it (CLOUD STRIFE) and maybe some victims look like they dont need it, but they want it, and its super fine to give it

PFA/MFA not only done by the professionals and it is not a professional counselling, although necessarily training is needed if u want to approach deeper in this field. PFA/MFA is also not a psychological ‘debriefing’ - in which MFA/PFA doesnt need to involve a detailed discussion of the trauma event with the victim, but instead, it is an alternative way to psychological debriefing that helps for long-term recovery. (unless if ure a pscyhiatrist, then u have to forget about MFA and ask detailed questions regarding the events to help the patient to recover)

MFA and PFA both almost the same, but I will mention more about MFA here.

MFA (Mental Health First Aid) is not just about comforting “Oh, are u alright. I’m sorry for what u’ve been through”, but it is also about assessing their needs and concerns, protecting them from harm, provide practical support and support them feeling able to help themselves and others.

The main key for these two term is RESPECT - respect victim’s dignity, respect both parties safety and respect victim’s rights to make decision. Even without the PFA, we should respect these three in whatever circumstance we are in. 

A lot of us honestly were born with natural skill of MFA bcause of our own empathy, instinct or experiences and some got trained professionally. Some of them already had MFA due to high common senses they have.  

Some of the Do’s and Dont’s when giving MFA include;

Do’s : 1. Be trustworthy | 2. Respect their decision | 3. Be aware of and set aside ur bias | 4. Make it clear to them u are available for help even they push u away | 5. Respect their privacy and personal space | 6. Do remain calm and soft when the person in distress | 7. Listen and don’t interrupt their talking | 8. Help in terms of basic needs | 9. Create connection the person with others | 10. Give hope to them | 11. Provide private place to talk about the event | 12. Respect their strenght | 13. Advice small necessary matters or give simple words of encouragement | 14. Acknowledge positive features of what victims have done

Dont’s : 1. Rush in whatever the thing theyre doing with u | 2. Be dismissive | 3. Make promises u know can’t keep | 3. Ask anything in return for helping them | 4. Exaggerate ur skills | 5. Force help on people, being pushy | 6. Pressure them to tell their story | 7. Judge that person | 8. Put the person in risk of harm as result of ur actions | 8. Force them to accept ur idea/Listening to ur rant | 9. Talk rough | 10. Being bias with the people | 11. Touching that person too much | 12. Talk with the person in negative terms | 13. Abandon the person’s feeling

To simplify, there are 3 ways for MFA to begin, and I will only talk about one of them, the one that is the hardest to do, that is when u notice someone looks distressed and ure concern about them, and leading u to approach them first without them noticing ur concern. [Am I putting the right words here?]

In Cloud’s case, who do u think the first noticed Cloud behaved oddly and went to help him first ? - yeah Tifa. U probably would say “OFC she went to help him, she met him first at the train station. That guy looked sick af, who wouldnt ask if he was alright. If Aerith/Yuffie/Jessie met him first, they would do the same”. Okay guys, that was not my point. 

Let’s focus one by one characters and see what Do’s and Dont’s MFA (Mental Health First Aid) they’ve done to Cloud and other charas. Keep in mind, none of them know what Cloud had gone through, but Cloud had showed some obvious sign he was unwell and only a few of them noticed that and took action for it. 

The symbol [X] means the Dont’s in MFA and ( ✔) means the Do’s in MFA.

Biggs Jessie Wedge -

I know there’s a thing about man helping man’s psychology and Jessie being flirty with a guy.They [X] thought Cloud was like how they saw Cloud. and they considered it as normal. They didnt see Cloud under distress so they dont have the need to concern his mental status. The good thing about them was, the three of them (✔) respect Cloud’s strenght, giving Cloud the confident to be in action. But, Jessie [X] had zero respect on Cloud’s personal space

I wanna highlight about Biggs. Biggs had an attitude of overthinking stuff, but it wasnt so bad that would cause him harm, he just cared too much about his friends. So I believe Biggs was the type that would notice immediately when his friend being strange and would give MFA (Mental Health First Aid) with his own instinct even without the person asking it.

During the Sector 7 Plate attack, where Biggs was severely injured, when Cloud said he was not a fan of kids and Biggs said Cloud had so much in common (in common of what? Cloud with the kids or Cloud with him?), Cloud gave him ‘a sad look’ and Biggs reached out his hand to Cloud’s head. Biggs (✔) remain calm and soft when dealing with Cloud’s feeling (who faced traumatic event but Biggs didnt know about it) on that moment despite his current physical status. And also he (✔) wished goodluck to Cloud, leading to prevention distress on Cloud

Marle -

Marle [X] judged Cloud for someone who had no skills, but she entrusted Cloud to take care of Tifa’s well being. Not knowing who Cloud was, Marle noticed Cloud looked glum, she (✔) offered her ear for Cloud to rant and knew right away he was not having enough sleep, then (✔) advising him to sleep more . Lol, she was [X] biased with Cloud and Tifa. Not her fault, she only knew Tifa’s story, not Cloud’s. After the Sector 7 plate fall, we saw her being the most active member to help with the remaining citizens there. Marle without a doubt had given the citizens there PFA (Psychological First Aid) , by helping them with their (✔) basic needs, (✔) create connections, (✔) put away bias, (✔) remain calm and soft. 

Barret Wallace -

Barret was the same like Biggs Jessie Wedge. I’m sure Barret thought Cloud was just fine. Barret saw Cloud as a mercenary with stinky attitude,[X] judging him like that causing Barret to gave him the same attitude too. But overall, he (✔) respected Cloud’s strength a lot

However, after the Sector 7 plate fall, Tifa and Barret were the one that hurt (mentally) the most, Tifa as usual locking her emotions, there we could see how Barret comforting Tifa by (✔) giving words of encouragement and proceed on (✔) hugging her to show his empathy. Barret also (✔) remain calm and soft spoken when talking to the survival victims of Sector 7 citizens. He also (✔) acknowledged what the citizens had done to survive

Vincent Valentine - 

Don’t be surprise Vincent was listed here. This guy here was like another version of Cloud but more mature. In addiction, they both kinda share the same pain. So, I personally think Vincent understands Cloud pretty well. In AC, where Cloud was mentally ill, Vincent saved Cloud from Kadaj and brothers and (✔) took him to safer place. That was a common thing to do. But let’s go deeper, Cloud never told him about himself, but Vincent already  (✔) aware of Cloud’s trouble with the geostigma stuff and Cloud’s current mental status. Vincent, (✔) calm and soft like always (✔) didnt hesitate to asked if all of these were just about ‘fighting’ and it made Cloud to ‘re-think’ further about his problem. He (✔) didnt pressure Cloud here, instead he was (✔) helping Cloud to understand the condition he was facing, and this lead Cloud to avoid distress.

Aerith Gainsborough -

I know Aerith was special. She was an important character and devs created her to be ‘loved’ by the fans so that her death would be tragic. Aerith did almost all the things that shouldnt be done when giving MFA to mentally ill person. Some of u may say “Duh, Aerith didnt know anything about Cloud thus she had no intentions of giving him MFA”. Yup, ure right. Aerith didnt know about Cloud’s mental status but so as all the other characters in the series. 

Aerith was [X] being pushy with Cloud, in lots of ways, from making him as a bodyguard for free to forcing him to wear a dress. She [X] forced Cloud to accept her idea about meeting Andrea, dance and gown. She also [X] forced Cloud to help picking the flowers. Aerith [X] didn’t let Cloud to have his own decision [X] neither giving him a chance to talk,  and [X] abandon his feelings (cough..uhm, Aerith resolution). She also had [X] no respect on Cloud’s personal space and [X] too much touching and leaning to him. Aerith also [X] put herself in danger and that worried Cloud.  She [X] looked down on Cloud in someways too

However, at the Sector 5 slum, where the hooded man appeared, Aerith noticed Cloud was having trouble with himself, she (✔) encouraged Cloud to keep himself together. Also, throughout the entire game, Aerith always remind the team to (✔) have hope in everything. Her positive vibrant attitude was what (✔) made everyone able to believe in themselves. She also (✔) ensure Marlene’s safety and protected her. She was able to (✔) remain soft and calm when approaching Marlene. Remember Betty? Aerith took her time to helped her out and she even (✔) respected the little girl’s strength, (✔)slow and steady when saving her and (✔)soft spoken

Tifa Lockhart -

Tifa met Cloud at the train station, saw him being ‘not-so-fine’ state despite Cloud claiming he was completely okay. Tifa didn’t know what Cloud had gone through and  she (✔) didn’t pressure him to talk about it. She even helped him to (✔) find a place to sleep even when Cloud never asked for it. Tifa unconsciously was the first person to give Cloud MFA without knowing what Cloud had faced previously. And Cloud, on that moment, he really needed a help. Tifa also (✔) stated that if Cloud need anything, she would help him with it

Tifa (✔) remain calm everytime Cloud had sudden headache, she didn’t leave him alone and (✔) didnt put any pressure on him by asking question. During the (✔) Alone At Last, they had privacy Tifa asked about what happened after he left Nibelheim. She (✔) listened and didnt interrupt him, (✔) neither pushing him to talk more. Moreover, Tifa (✔) put a distance with Cloud, dunno if she was the one who was being uncomfortable or she actually (✔) respect Cloud’s personal space and privacy. Tifa (✔) didn’t force him to stay at Midgar, she asked him and was glad Cloud would stay for a while. Tifa was no doubt (✔) respect all Cloud’s decisions too. Also, don’t forget, Tifa also helped Cloud to help (✔) make ‘close connection’ with the Avalanche members and people in Sector 7 slums. She also (✔) didn’t do much touching with Cloud (Well, I mean, she didnt touch him in clingy way)

In AC, Tifa (✔) encouraged Cloud to have hope for Geostigma and the family

Tifa did [X] put herself in danger by becoming Corneos bride participant and that gave Cloud trouble (but Tifa ensured him she would be fine on her own previously) And btw, in OG, I read about the fans questioning why Tifa [X] didnt tell Cloud the truth. I would like to argue this matter. TIFA IS A CHARACTER WITH REAL HUMAN FLAWS, she too had her own traumatic event and was not really sure of herself on what to do. However, considering what Tifa had done for him, Tifa had helped with Cloud’s psychology the most.

I know Cloud was putting up a font, and that made him to have condescending attitude, and people couldnt see what Cloud was hiding behind the the bravery face. However, all of us as fans acknowledged the pain Cloud was suffering in the entire FF7 story. Some of the characters like Tifa, Marle, Vincent, Biggs noticed it and they took actions for it, while others, I do personally thing, they were hurting the Real Cloud’s mentality more. 

Long story short, Tifa was the one who gave mental health support the most to Cloud, followed by Vincent (AC), Biggs and Marle. Aerith did the worst with Real Cloud's mentality + she then died, mking Cloud be more miserable,

However, Aerith actually had the best way to give MFA/PFA to children, but maybe the worst to Cloud. While Tifa gave the best MFA to Cloud which helped him to get himself together through out the entire time

Alright thats the end of my talk. Thank you for being with meee

[ace-t-fic]

This a Peter si fic I started (its purely 'feel good' no eye roll moments) but never found out what I wanted to do with it. This hasn't been grammar checked ethier.

The yearly trip to science industries (after the fiasco concerning OC labs) was heavily guarded by the gpa efficiency minimum and it was usually 123 Seniors at Midtown high each year. That only left less than 30 who had the gpa needed in order to attend the field trip. But with detentions and tardies that often brought it down to 25 added in with the people who actually turned in their permission slips drop that number down to a solid 13. That usually  meant the whole decathlon team, one jock, the Sat acres and people with tiger parents. 

So when the paper was only passed to Peter and Flash in their homeroom he wasn’t surprised who qualified for the field trip. 

Last year's field trip the students all got to go to Tesla and returned the day after. Liz said it was a fun experience and even one of the kids was later offered an internship available to him after their graduation. Liz herself wasn’t all that interested in the company herself but she said the experience was an enjoyable one. So Peter would have been lying if he said he wasn’t practically buzzed for when his senior year trip came. 

He wondered if they would be able to tour the new labs Wakanda had set up. He wanted to go for a while but their outside personnel was strictly limited to certified personnel and those with names that ended with Stark or Banner or Avengers. But the name staring back at him was just laughing at him, “congratulations, you have qualified for this year's exclusive Senior trip to SI inc.” an all paid expense to visit his work. Now instead of taking the City bus he could just catch a ride on a big ugly yellow one. 

Not that this was a let down it was still an amazing opportunity many would kill for. He thought gazing behind him to stare at Flash who fist bumped the air. The attention caught his attention and he made brief eye contact with Peter with a smug little smile on his face. Peter only flashed back his before the flash rolled his eyes and no longer paid him attention. 

Flash still didn’t partially believe Peter's internship-neither did anyone else really- but flash was the most put out about it. He would be lying if he says he wasn’t rooting for Peter the night of his junior year party. He even helped Diana, the maid clean and dust just in case Spiderman really did show up. And when he didn’t show up he told Peter exactly how he felt about it with a new string of nicknames. Added on to the occasional passive agressive shoulder shove but nothing more or less beyond that. Sure he was a dick but he wasn’t a good fighter, just richer than Parker he was beating him in the fight of life. 

Peter only rolled his eyes back, shoving the paper into the back of his class notebook. 

The minutes ticked by steadily as Peter waited to meet Ned at his locker. He’s almost deadly positive Ned received one too and is waiting to shake the life out of his shoulders. Peter may work at Si but Ned’s never been and the experience in itself is quite entertaining. Things are always different when best friends are involved. 

“Anyone who received a field trip paper will have to have it signed and returned to me, the office, or Mrs. Meyers up to five days before the date of the field trip. Other than that we will continue on with the stock market Tomorrow!” The teacher screamed over the rustling papers and scraping chairs as he let them out a minute early, if you ask anyone on campus that made him the cool teacher.

Petter grabbed his folders, having lost another backpack he was sure laid webbed to the building and exited the room. He easily made it to his locker before Ned did and even got to close it before he was approached

. 

“Dude you can show me your lab.” he whispered to peter. 

“Actually I can’t, my lab is Tony’s and that's only because Bucky has been keeping him away from the lab.” Peter announced before he got his hopes up. “We’re probably gonna tour below mid level, I don't think they allow anyone without a permanent badge into any of the labs.” 

“Do we get to meet any of the avengers?” 

“Probably Bruce, he’s usually chilling with all the other scientists. It’ll be cool though you know i haven’t actually met him? The dude has to be dumb smart, you know Tony scraps ideas if he can’t get Bruce to sign off on them.” Peter gushes, before an arm is roughly swung around his shoulder. “Ow-no.”

Flashes pffts, “give me a break i hate this as much as you but apparently since I’m friends with idiots i have to slum it with you and- I’m sorry what's your-”

“Ned”

“Yeah Ned, that sounds familiar for the trip. I asked more about it and this might be a good time to turn in our submissions for the upcoming Intern conference. We get in ahead and we can probably impress him enough for our stuff to actually be looked at. Peter, I know your tech smart, I do numbers and possibilities and Ned we’ve been in coding since middle school together so we can definitely do that.” Flash rambles.

“What are you talking about?”

“We’ve been coding together for 6 years and you just barely remembered my name?”

“What I’m talking about-Peter is welcome to the winning team. Listen your smart parker you may or may not have an internship although its kinda sketchy that out of nowhere you a loser 17 year old defies all social laws and pops on the popularity chart” Understandable he still cursed Ned for saying anything right before he asked Mary jane to prom god that was embarrassing. 

You know that fancy stuff doesn’t bother me Peter. If I wanted to solely date you for your internship I’d hope someone would’ve knocked sense into you to get over me. 

“But I honestly feel as if we wow at least one impressionable person. They'll seek us an audience with Stark before the rest of the crowd.”  Flash continues. 

“You know that honestly doesn’t sound bad?” Ned finishes unsure over the look of alarm on Peter's face. Because yeah it’s not a bad idea and that expo meant the world to the real science losers around the GLOBE. And Ned really did want to be involved beyond the guy in the chair way before Peter turned into Spiderman. Peter would probably still be hands deep in his theories if he hadn’t gotten bit by some escaped lab spider. This expo at one point in his life -sophomore year- was the only thing that was gonna get Aunt May out of the nearly slumps. 

And flash…. Well he’s just a fucking nerd to put it lightly he was just rich, and since he was rich and gushes this much about being a intern of all things meant he might’ve been worse then both Peter and Ned when they first envisioned running coffee for Tony stark. 

Plus it would be kinda unfair to see if he could pull strings for Ned instead of proving that he was capable of it far more on his own. “Fiiiinn-”

“Whoop! You might actually not be so bad penis.” and with a clap on his shoulder disappearing with the ringing of the bell. 

Peter clenched his jaw shooting a ‘why’ look at Ned, “Oh don’t give me that look, you think I want to work with him. He has money and resources and he is good at real numbers not technical of coding, look you're an spaceship mechanic, he does the landing the thrust or whatever they do and I’m the guy who counts down which is honestly better then both of those jobs-” 

“Please Ned you're embarrassing me '' Peter laughed as he and Ned made their way through the day. 2 months until the field trip that was more than enough time for three geniuses to at least come up with a concept and a prototype for something cool. 

Scrap that they’re screwed. 

“I almost died.” Ned said, sitting in a shock of foam. “You guys just sat there, you were gonna watch me die.”

“Don’t be dramatic.” Ned reared back at Flash's comment, “Dramatic! I just went up in flames!” 

“Hey, it was your boy Peter who made it. Plus maybe if he didn’t bail early last  Monday we could’ve caught that our numbers weren’t matching up with his” Maybe if some assholes weren't trying to rob F.E.A.S.T after their charity event he wouldn’t have had too. 

“I told you things happen Flash, I do in fact have a life.”

“MJ tell you that”

“-oo burn”

“Ned!- ok listen in order for this hoverboard to work we have to make sure everything is matched up. It shouldn’t have done that so something else must’ve gone wrong too.” Peter explained grabbing the notebooks and tossing them on the Flashes workbench. Hoverboard and back to future stickers on the covers.

“Might be the fact that it isn’t Hovering. But that's just me.”