#'oh so you think i'm beautiful too'

[petricorah]

scenes i loved from Real Enough to Get Me Through by @marriedzukka <333 [ids in alt]

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Hi! Your Hollow Knight AU has really cheered me up so I wanted to do a little drawing for it! This got me to get my art tablet out after months of not feeling like it so thank you for the inspiration! I hope the colors look good on any monitor that's not mine sdfsdf

Bugs In the Jingshi wyd?

I am so genuinely awestruck at how well you translated this AU to the hollow knight style! Also obsessed with the height difference.

[fisheito]

If you tracked my eye activity on that bliss promo pic with the tops it would be something like this

Making a major stop at topper

Before crashing into a ditch (yakuya corner)

[anewp0tat0]

the majority voted for me to not photoshop and just work on the valentines day art to be posted later in the month. and yea I will do that. but I already started photoshoping regardless. so happy belated birthday Grelle!!

I was originally making William into Sebster, plus Nardo's face shape worked a lot more for William than it did for Sebs, and could I have just imported a whole new face in there? yea, but it would have taken longer, may not have looked great... plus I accepted that in the end, I do afterall headcanon Bassy to be Grelle's side toy while Will is her main. so she would want this.

[angelsdean]

im just saying things this morning but i really do love an insane queerbait over canon-right-out-the-gate “representation” characters with labels slapped on them and playing into the most outrageous stereotypes on purpose with the blandest storylines and boring perfect non-problematique lukewarm love interests. like WHERE is the tension WHERE is the 12 yr slow burn WHERE is the complex layering of Issues and Disorders resulting in the most nuanced bisexual man on television precisely because they never intended him to be queer in the first place but accidentally turned the dial up on their sexist funnyguy ladies man too far that it looped over into overcompensation and their 2005 lol gay jokes kept going on beyond funny and the actorman playing him made Choices like looking flustered, uncomfortable at being called out for being too butch and looking aroused and interested in every man place in front of him but especially thee gay angel to the point where said actor somehow made his EYES DILATE and then they told us WE were insane for seeing all of that and oh they started writing it as a romance anyway but were thwarted by the network and others over and over and well anyways, it’s just so delicious and fun but maybe that’s just bc i love theories and puzzles and figuring stuff out and putting things together and connecting dots and also my headcanons and opinions are more important than anything canon could say so idc if i get queerbaited for 50 yrs i’m on another level of existence, living gloriously in the subtext and knowing the Truth. anyways there will never be another ship like destiel 

[cerise-on-top]

do you have any rudy hcs lying around? asking for a friend 👀

Hey, there! Yeah, I was able to come up with some!

Rodolfo HCs

He actually prefers men over women. He will still date women, he has had crushes on them, after all, but he more often than not dreams about being with another man. This has caused him some distress in the past. Considering he realized he liked men very early on, he thought he was gay back then. However, later on he developed a crush on a girl and so he thought he was straight after all. The realization that he might be straight broke his heart because he really wanted to be into men back then. Yes, he was unaware that you can like more than one gender, so he felt bad when he had that crush on that girl. It took him another few years until he realized he could be bisexual. He met another guy who was quite the flirt, having flirted with men and women alike. Rodolfo didn’t mind that, but did question that guy about it. Once he had the answer of simple bisexuality, it clicked and he felt absolutely stupid for not having realized it sooner. To this day he’s friends with that person and sometimes still meets up with him.

Although he’s severely touch starved, he’d rather die than admit to that. No amount of touch could ever satisfy him. Besides, he believes that, just because he’s a man, he shouldn’t really be held in a comforting way, especially not by a woman. He’s a strong, protective guy, he has to be the one doing the protecting, and that includes doing the holding during cuddling as well. Sometimes he might be a bit grumpy because he just really wants to be held, especially when his stress levels are at an all time high. However, he can’t really swallow his pride and outright ask for it either, his partner would have to be the one to come up to him and make the suggestion. Fairly early on, he might refuse such advances from a female partner, but once he knows she won’t think any less of him for that, he’s more willing. If his partner is a man, however, then he’d be honored. Rodolfo genuinely believes that every man out there believes the same thing that he does in that regard, so he can appreciate a guy “willing to swallow his pride”. He doesn’t outright ask for cuddles, he will only hint at the fact he wants some with him. He could literally have a sleepless night, with being held being the only remedy out there, and he’d still not ask for any.

He’s not at all an outgoing person anymore. He used to be when he was a child, making friends left and right with just about any kid he ever found, but he outgrew that phase. No one knows why, not even he does, but he sometimes does miss being a people person, it would make some things a lot easier. However, he does have Alejandro in his life, who is an outgoing person that knows lots and lots of people. Whenever Rodolfo needs anything he doesn’t need to look for too long, Alejandro is usually right there. The two go way back with each other, having known one another for almost 20 years now. Whenever Rodolfo needs anything, Alejandro is the first person to know since he knows he can count on him. Although he usually asks Alejandro for someone who might be doing this specific thing or knows how to do it well, it’s usually Alejandro who helps Rodolfo regardless. Those two have grown very close with each other and can tell what the other needs without them even saying anything. Rodolfo does truly appreciate Alejandro for that, he’s never had a better friend than him. When Rodolfo moved, all Alejandro asked for was some beer and watching some movies together. Rodolfo would literally and figuratively die for Alejandro, but the latter usually tells him there’s no need for that. He’d much rather have Rodolfo take a break.

[lemonduckisnowawake]

What if I theologized hanahaki? What then? Like if hanahaki was a symbol of unrequited love that desperately wants to be requited? Because God so loves us enough to want to be with us but also loves us enough to hold back lest His holiness turn us to ash because the flowers have become so embedded in us. So what if the flowers are a sign of our own rejection of God and the desperate craving we all have deep inside for Him...but also our way of melding with something that needs to go and thus being unable to be saved from it because we made it us in a sense? Like...

...

There’s a new wave of people who claim to be without the Flower Rot, also known as Hanahaki and Hua Bing.

These people claim that, without surgery, they have managed to completely remove the Rot. When asked what had caused this, one woman who wished to remain anonymous told the reporters, “It was…God, I guess. But He was also a man. He just…said that because the Rot’s too rooted in us, even if we wanted God we’d just burn with the flowers. But the only way’s to have His love take it away. So He said He’d take Rot and fade because He was a man, then come back because He’s God, and give us love to remove the Rot because He’s both.”

Her explanation aligns with similar ones from other witnesses with the Rot gone. They claim that the risk of fading with the removal of the flowers was taken by a man. But that His Godliness also signified that He could “grant His love” to permanently dispel the Rot.

As a refresher, it is quite unclear why the Rot suddenly began to manifest inside our lungs millennia ago. The most common legend is a tale of how humanity and God once lived in harmony in a garden. However, one day, man rejected God and told Him they could create a garden of their own. Though He offered a chance to repent from their rejection, having told them previously that such an endeavour would bring death upon them, they refused to acknowledge their wrong and were thus severed from His power and acceptance.

The proud declaration of humanity was not a nonsense claim, as they indeed found they could produce beautiful plant life for a garden.

However, that came with the cost of death, for these flowers grew inside them and were expelled through bloody coughs and sneezes.

Such is the duality of this universal Rot—a sign of divine rejection, some say, or a sign of our own ability to create beauty made more glorious through our own sacrifice, as others say. Of course, there are others who say this Rot is more complicated than simply a sign of our glory or a rejection from the divine, but those claims as much less popular.

In recent times, science has discovered that this Rot is simply a natural and inborn function of our body. “In fact, it’s inaccurate to call such a natural part of human experience a rot,” Doctor Kinuyo Yahagi of Hanahaki Research Association said, showing a bloodied purple iris of hers. “Yes, it is unpleasant but it is a fact of life, just like death and hunger and blood.” She then gave an animated explanation how there was a particular genetic wiring within our lungs linked to the brain’s rejection and affection chemicals. If the two are stirred in such a way, a pathway is made from the brain to the lungs triggering the genetic code and causing flowers to bloom.

“It can be removed by surgery,” a surgeon from the local medical center said. “However, studies have shown it is risky as it can affect your ability to love and process rejection, so it’s up to the patient to take the risk or not.”

Activists have cried that a difficulty in loving is not a sign of deteriorating humanity, and that those who choose the surgery are still acceptable.

“Hanahaki or not, we all still die, right?” a video of one academic debate records a professor speaking to one of the new Rot-less people.

The Rot-less person—a professor as well—nods thoughtfully. “Yes, but now, my death becomes a death without the disease signalling our separation from the divine, which is no true death at all.”

The ethics of removing the Flower Rot surgically still are debated, though much support for it has arisen in the past few decades. Research into these new rot-less people has also steadily increased, all done with the utmost legal and ethical restrictions to the volunteer’s rights.

“Hopefully, we’ll get to the bottom of this and find a better way to remove the disease,” Dr. Yahagi’s co-worker who wished to remain anonymous said. “Natural or not, it is still unpleasant. Why continue with something that is now proven to not be inevitable?”

[gepazu]

pspspspsps,, coney island by taylor swift w (again) the godheim boys,,,

[heartshapedcreaturefromcriptoon]

Not some random freaking anime turboweebvirgins who admit they "still listen to Kanye" accusing Kesha of faking her abuse allegations and Questioning Her Moral Purity TM on her goddamn fucking Vivziepop Character that she voices' only good gifset.. 🤢💀

[departed-pronouns]

Okay, okay so we've seen at least one of Eddie's dates right? We've seen that Pepa sets him up and he doesn't really want to do it. Cause, what from that one scene we find out he took a lady somewhere to let her down easy? Can I put it out into the universe. I wanna see Eddie Diaz be a more active person. We've gotten a little taste of it with him following his heart and being a fire fighter again. But mostly we've seen Eddie be told what he should do and what he should want. And it's old now. We've seen everyone telling Eddie that he needs to get out there and date after Shannon died. We saw his family telling him he needed to go back to Texas to do right by Chris. We saw him trying to get back with Shannon when she came into his life because that's what he was told he should do. Give Chris a mom, be a good husband, settle down.

Fuck sakes Buck had to tell Eddie to break up with Anna! Eddie wasn't going to do it without a push. And the whole quitting fire fighting thing happened because Chris said he was scared and Eddie was like 'someone told me something, I have to do what they want - or what he thought they wanted.' And wasn't it Bobby who had Eddie go to therapy first before letting him back with the 118? . . . or was it the break down that made him realize he had to do therapy? I dunno I feel someone told him he had to do therapy or he would never.

I just . . . okay, since I don't believe buddie will go canon thanks to Kristin who is now in the driver's seat, I'll be pleasantly surprised if my ship ever sailed - so the obligatory buddie mention out of the way. I just really need to see Eddie doing things he wants. Does he not want a girl friend? Great! Let's see Eddie being single and happy and telling people when they say 'you should do this or that' "No, I'm doing this instead and am quite happy."

Can I just get a little more screen time on Eddie and see him actively making choices and doing things? Without people telling him what to do? Honestly been there enough in real life myself with being told how I should live my life so maybe I'm projecting a little but god dang.

[vegaseatsass]

I'm so exhausted I don't really know where or how to begin my one-day weekend, have spent the day just kind of collapsed into executive dysfunctional confusion when what I WANT to do is post on tumblr about gay tv

[svtskneecaps]

literally it's 3am where i live and i'm on mobile but FUCK IT i haven't posted any actual writing in like a YEAR on this blog whose description include the words "I WRITE" and i can't tell if i'm even going anywhere with this so fuck it under the cut is the prospective absolute mess of the first chapter of the flipo family time loop fic. (for clarity, flipo family as in slime, mariana, and juanaflippa) this covers loop 0, aka the relevant parts of canon. words: 1630

parts of it i popped off with and other parts i hate; up to you to identify them. also the italics and other formatting got erased when i copy pasted and i'm re-adding all of it by hand so if i missed a spot, no i didn't. if i missed an accent on a letter in spanish that was a typo, if i missed a ¡ or ¿ that may have been on purpose.

oh and for obvious reasons, content warning for mentions and mild descriptions of child death and child murder. no blood, and most of it is a three word mention; i'd say the brief paragraph beginning "Tilín didn't scream" is most of the reason this warning exists.

Charlie Slimecicle stepped off the train.

He’d been hoping for a bright, sunny day to start their vacation, but was sorely disappointed. The portal had apparently taken them pretty far, since they’d gone from noon to night time. Talk about jetlag. They hadn’t even been on a plane.

“What happened to the other guys?” he wondered aloud as he stepped onto the platform.

“Yeah no clue,” Phil said, scanning the empty station. “Thought they’d meet us here.”

“Guys!” one of the Spanish speakers--Vegetta, he’d said, when they’d all met up at the first station--called, from a lectern at the wall. “There is a book!”

They crowded around as he read the instructions aloud--something about pressure plates, Slime wasn’t paying that close of attention. He was a little more preoccupied with making sure it only felt like his brain was dripping out of his ears. That would be kind of embarrassing.

Which was not to say that he wasn’t enjoying the constant onslaught of people talking over each other using words he may or may not understand. In fact, it was the opposite; he was frankly thriving in the absolute chaos that kicked back up around him as a timer appeared in the wrist communicators they’d been provided along with their tickets.

“Como se dice ‘we are going to die now’?” He giggled, chasing Phil and Fit to one end of the station.

“¡Vamos a morir!” shouted Spiderman, echoed seconds later by the black bear in the collared shirt.

Giddy over the high of attempting to use his high school foreign language for the first time maybe ever, Slime absolutely didn’t contribute much to solving the puzzle, and before long the sound of the timer ticking down was accompanied by a loud buzzing alarm.

“It’s been an honor!” he shrieked at the top of his lungs. “It’s been an honor!”

The bear ran past them again, shouting, “I’m going to die!” in English this time.

“Adiós amigos!” Slime yelled.

The countdown ended.

And then his communicator buzzed, and there was a video playing on the screen, showing a cartoonish yellow duck in front of a blurry beach stock photo. He skimmed it absently--some generic welcoming message and another side quest for them--distracted by Maximus audibly losing his shit laughing across the station.

“Come on, I’m trying to take a vacation, I gotta work now?” Fit complained. “This is ridiculous.”

Slime wanted to jump on that bit, but the message cut off with coordinates marred by static and the noise of the emergency weather alert system and he lost his train of thought completely.

“I got the English book!” Spreen called, holding it with two fingers like it had personally offended him.

“English leader,” Vegetta said, seeming to find that amusing.

“English leader.” Spreen laughed and flicked the book away. Slime stepped back but somehow it still nailed him in the chest.

“Guess I’m reading then,” he said cheerfully.

“In Spanish?” Maximus said.

“Um.”

Vegetta called something, backing across the plaza with the book open in his hands. Phil backed up to the wall.

“Here,” Phil instructed, “we’ll read it here.”

“Okay okay.” He flicked it open. “So we have to get water wheel planks--”

Their peace lasted a grand total of thirty seconds as voices suddenly began shouting, overlapping in chaotic chorus.

“What is that?” Fit demanded.

“Is that coming from the other side?” Phil stared up at the top of the wall.

“This is the thinnest thick wall I’ve ever seen,” Slime said, giddy laughter bubbling out of him again. “Is this thing made out of pencil shavings? If I sneeze on it, is there gonna be a hole?”

“Nevermind, we’ll read it over here.” Phil dragged them away again, but the Spanish speakers were dispersing into the trees.

“Forget the book,” Fit said, “follow them!”

(In the end it was explosives that took the wall down, which in hindsight was a precursor to how a not insignificant portion of time on the island was spent. The first day, however, it was just funny, much like everything else.)

(That was to say, the first first day.)

The communicator had indicated that today there was something special planned, so he made an extra effort to wake up.

“Morning Jaiden!” he called to his upstairs neighbor.

“Hi Charlie!” He could hear her farming through the wall. “Glad you woke up on time!”

“Well you know, you know, El Backflipo couldn’t miss it,” he joked, sifting through his backpack. “Got any spare food? I’ll trade you uno backflipo.”

“I have so much toast, come here and get some, free of charge.”

With a quick backflip and some toast to start the day, he popped open the map.

“There’s a lot of people down the wall,” he noted, their green dots so clustered they formed one. “Wanna check it out?”

“Yeah sure.” Jaiden tossed some seeds into a chest. “Do you know what this event’s gonna be?”

“I have no idea,” he admitted cheerfully.

She laughed. “Yeah, me neither. I guess there’s an egg involved, but that’s all I know.”

He dug around in his backpack for a paraglider, nodding along. “Yeah, yeah, un huevo, I get you.” Shuffling the landmine from Vegetta to one side, he yanked out his glider and threw himself out her window. “Let’s go!”

(nothing like getting struck by lightning to wake a guy up in the morning)

Slime fiddled with the communicator as he waited for the line of people to get through the ticket machine; he already had his own, a nice B for Backflipo. The new live translations still boggled his mind. He had to fight the urge to chant weird shit under his breath, just to see what the bubbles would say.

He paid a little extra attention when Mariana walked up to the machine. That guy seemed cool. They’d done that pequeño dormir together on day one, and he had a good sense of humor. Egg parenting would probably be funny.

He was thrilled to see the B for Backflipo on the ticket Mariana stepped away with, even if Mariana was decidedly less so. This was gonna be good.

(it was, and it wasn’t)

So, Mariana wasn’t exactly the coparent of dreams. Then again, Slime was pretty sure Mariana could say the same about him. In fact he was pretty sure Mariana had said the same, but in Spanish, when he wasn’t checking the translation.

It was great. They thought they’d killed a child immediately and then decided to fake their own child’s death to get away with it, and then confessed their sins to a bilingual angel and built a farm and then he buried himself beneath an improvised cross and went into a coma until his sins were forgiven, or something, except his sins weren’t forgiven in time to save his own child’s life.

And then Juanaflippa was dead. Dead at Mariana’s hand.

His bitch wife killed their daughter.

(Everything went faster, after that.)

Slime wanted to kill him.

Slime wanted to kill him for killing their fucking daughter, but of course, Mariana couldn’t even be bothered to be around to take care of her alive, never mind to pay for his crimes when she died by his hand!

(in a better world, his rage started and ended there. in a better world, the anger fizzled out with the lack of a target.

this was not that world)

There couldn’t be an Egg Event with no eggs.

If he killed them all, it would bring her back.

(in a worse world, he succeeded. in a worse world, the Egg Event ended there.

this was not that world)

They held a trial.

If he won, it would bring her back.

(in another world, he didn’t convince them. in another world, they left his daughter in Hell.

this was not that world)

Tilín was still before she hit the ground.

Tilín didn’t scream. Maybe they didn’t have time. It happened so fast. He was sure it happened fast. Almost too fast. But everything went so fast, now, even though Flippa was back. Yet, time slowed down for this, like a rubberneck driving past a highway accident, watching him desperately trying to shock their heart back into motion.

“YOU KILL MY BEST FRIENDS,” Flippa wrote. He begged her to understand. She wrote, “i can’t believe it.”

She wrote, “I HATE YOU.”

(in a better world, the error would have been caught in April instead of July.

this was not that world)

His daughter fell to his bitch wife’s sword. The same way. The next day.

They’d only just gotten her back. And Mariana killed her again.

He only left eggxile for the funeral. She wouldn’t stay dead, but he had to be there.

Time went even faster after that. He was Gegg, or maybe Gegg was him, or maybe Gegg was Gegg, or maybe. . . ?

He went back to eggxile.

He wasn’t leaving without them. Tilín. Juanaflippa. He would do whatever was necessary. He would pray to any higher power. Lil J still owed him a goddamn favor, but the guy wouldn’t pick up his calls. Maybe if he put more shit in the shrine; angels liked shiny shit, didn’t they? He went back to the mine, where the gasses swirled in his head. He built the shrine. He mined. He built the shrine.

He went back to the mine.

He went back to the mine.

He went back to the mine.

“This is where I sit, this is where my bitch wife sits, and this is where my daughter sits, if I had one!”

He’d said that before. No he hadn’t. Yes he had.

No, he just needed to clear his head.

Charlie Slimecicle went back to the mine.

Charlie Slimecicle stepped off the train.

[running-in-the-dark]

oh, I see. it's one of those nights.

[trashlie]

FP203/End of Arc Thoughts

I was trying to figure out the best way to handle my end-of-fllashback-arc/203 thoughts and rather than trying to rewrite everything I’ve already written, I’m going to just copy my reddit commentary over into this post, and then try to follow up on things that I want to discuss in more detail or that I think deserves to be focused on lol. So if you read the comments in the episode discussion posts on reddit, there’s nothing new here! 

But for those who don’t go on the reddit, then it’s business as usual below this cut! 

Oh my god, the end of this episode. I wonder how much she actually told Nol - did she name Alyssa? Was everything we saw something she was telling him? The thought of her telling him about falling from the window and embracing that feeling, of laying there on the ground and wishing she could just take flight like a bird, too. I had assumed that this was more like... her reminiscing on her own, but the dialogue at the very end is definitely for Nol - talking about how everything moved on, time continued, and she had to continue to deal with the effects of it. There’s something vaguely optimistic about it, and I know it’s because present Shinae is talking and because this reflection is combined with all the things she has experienced since then, what she’s come to learn. Watching time pass - her father fall into the habits that got her into her current mess, the selective color on the beanie and sweater from Alyssa, the progression of her hair growing out, their middle school graduation. There’s so many things I want to pick out of here and I hope I’ll remember to do that as I gush over this.

I didn’t expect those teachers to be fired at all.* We already know that Shinae has a wariness towards adults, and for the ones who actually helped and respected her, to be fired because of what happened to her is really devastating. The math club teacher was the one who found her and probably saved her life, and she was punished. I mean, on the one hand, I understand? The idea is that as teachers who hear the rumor mill, who know when students are being bullied, they should intervene. But we know and we’ve seen that intervention never does anything, and all it did was create a guilt complex in a girl too young to bear that weight of responsibility and one that continued to grow.

(* a teacher friend of mine says rather than fired, she thinks those teachers were probably traumatized, as well, and quit of their own accord)

There’s something about these little snapshots of Shinae with Maya, Rika, and Minhyuk - even if Shinae had never learned to be truly open friends with Maya and Rika until they were older, it’s clear that the after effects of that fall DID affect their friendship. Had she never fallen, maybe they would have been able to grow into close friends sooner. Shinae put her guarded walls up not only because she didn’t trust others after Alyssa hurt her, but also because of the ramifications of association with her. Teachers were fired, her father’s life became harder, Minhyuk lost all of his friends; she didn’t get close to people so as to not bring them down as much as because she didn’t trust them. She told herself she doesn’t like people to comfort herself both because people can hurt you and to try to stave off how much she, too, wished to win peoples’ favors. But because she closed herself out, because she cut off others and kept her distance, we saw the fall out that occurred with Maya, who was already jealous and felt othered. Something I’ve always thought is that it was never that Maya disliked Shinae - it was that her feelings were at odds with their relationship. When Maya first met Kousuke in the hospital she took his ass down defending Shinae. So many of Maya’s issues with Shinae were because of how Shinae closed her out, how she felt like Shinae didn’t want to be her friend. It’s just. idk it’s something that really gets to me, seeing these little snapshots of the four of them having fun together, despite how the rest of their school was alienating them and pulling away. Despite everything, they had each other. And I’m a mess!!!!!

“We all kept moving forward... because life doesn’t stop for anyone. Keep riding along and see where the road you’re walking takes you... Even if the road needs some maintenance or is being blocked... It’s just a temporary delay... We all eventually reach our destination.”

Who are the words for at the end? The dead end - is it both of them, hers? Hers but applies to them both? Shiane thought this favor from Kousuke would help, at least patch things over and take care of her father’s debt, but now it’s left her stuck in a new situation she cannot get out of. Nol thought he would be able to make his escape, but his detour is leading him to jail time.

There’s something SO optimistic about the concept that we all eventually reach out destination but this... this is just yet another dead end. But maybe there’s room for them to find their ways out of this dead end together, the way Shinae was able to carry on with Maya, Minhyuk, and Rika at her side?

(Sidebar: that moment with that narration and the four walking around together looking like they’re having fun, while Alyssa goes to? from? dance practice? GOD there’s something about that moment that just GETS to me, the juxtaposition of Shinae with her friends against the one who could have been but failed at it in every way.)

I have a LOT of thoughts about the ramifications of Shinae's fall. The way she tried to leave everyone out hurts, but also what else do we expect from her? The thing about that fall is that prior, Shinae still believed she could change things in her life. She believed that she could leave her past (at her first school) in the past and start over, make friends, find somewhere to fit in, but life was far from kind to her. She made so much effort to try to defy everything, to set things right, to do the right thing and defend herself, but it only made things worse. And if she'd told the truth, the teachers would probably have had a fair investigation on their hands. But in that moment, when Shinae sat in the hospital and realized how much harder life was going to become for her father, that's when she concluded she doesn't deserve to fight it, that she can't change anything. Why would she name those girls when the last time she called anyone out, everything blew up in her face? If she'd never gotten the girl who bought their project in trouble, maybe the bullying would have been quieter. Less this than it was. Why would she dare name them again? The fact that they completely declared innocence though, ugh. I mean, do I expect them to fess up? Absolutely not. They are the type of bullies who believed they're allowed to bully a bully - in their minds everything they did was righteous and Shinae got what she deserves.

As for Alyssa, I hope we get to see things from her side one day. What kind of anguish or horror, what she felt, and if she holds any regret for it. I think she does. I think you have to be a truly rotten person to feel no regret, especially since we know she didn't actually mean to push Shinae and even in those last moments she still slipped up and showed concern for her, even if she could never reconcile it.

"I thought it was going to help me get there... but it turned out to be yet another dead end." Ugh, the impact of those words, combined with Nol and Shinae sitting and looking over at each other like that. ;~; It's something so... idk. vulnerable, something they share even though they didn't know it until this moment. I have to hope that Shinae opening up to him will help. Nol needs to understand that he is not the only one who has been dealt an unfair hand by life, that he's not the only one who has been tormented by his own existence, and to see that despite it all, even if it's faint, you eventually come out on the right side. Even now, Shinae may be facing a dead end, but look where she has ended up compared to the Shinae of 3 months earlier. My girl ;~; my heart ;~;

What a very satisfying way to wrap up this arc. Idk there's just. There's something about that passing of time that GETS to me. The selective color and the hair growth and Shinae going through the motions of friendship, the way this was one of the hurdles that hindered her friendship with Maya and Rika who, to their credit, did stay by her side even if it was at the request of Minhyuk. I believe in my heart that though Minhyuk asked that favor of them, Maya still said yes because she wanted to, because she hoped that one day she and Shinae could become the friends she'd become with Minhyuk, that she could open up and trust them. I think that's still one of the most beautiful things about Maya and Shinae fighting and making up - there was so much caught up between them, and it was on both ends. Shinae not trusting Maya and expecting the worst of her, Maya holding things against Shinae she didn't deserve, Shinae keeping everyone at a distance, Maya wanting to be a friend Shinae could rely on and trust. Just... all the ramifications on a whole! Shinae becoming this very independent person so that she could never bring anyone down, because her father was absent, because she HAD to be independent to get by and survive and to protect herself and others ;~; I have SO. MANY. FEELINGS.

Rereading the ending and I think it's very possible this narration is still Shinae to herself, but just based on the way they're sitting hugging their knees, looking over at each other, she has to have told him something significant, and after everything we just went through, even though I previously thought she wouldn't name Alyssa, I'm now of the mind that why would we be shown all of this if she didn't at least say she had a friend who wasn't good to her, and how the fall ultimately happened. In fact, it makes me wonder if this might well be the first time Shinae told ANYONE how the fall happened, that others were involved, the kind of bullying incident that lead to it. Ugh. ;~; I can't imagine that she skimmed over it if he's looking over at her like that. Like, you'd think if she was vague, he'd be like everyone else and want to ask questions, or have an expression that clearly reads he knows she's not telling her the truth, but the use of showing only their partial expressions, something so... idk VULNERABLE, I think she's shared something she's probably never shared before? Aaaahhhhhhhh ;______; Big steps, maybe.

ALSO THE WAY MINHYUK BRAGGED THAT HE COULD HAVE HIS PICK OF ANY SCHOOL. ANY OF THEM and in the end he still chose to stay where he could be near Shinae. Left in the dark about what happened, aware that he's the only person who cares about her, the weight of his guilt for not being there to stop it to help her and how it shaped him into who he is. We all talked about how Minhyuk is so overprotective to the point that it blinded him to important things - like how Maya felt - but in the same way this transformed Shimhan, Shinae, Maya, and yes, probably Alyssa - Minhyuk was inherently altered. I said it on my tumblr, but there's something about how Dieter thinks Minhyuk is overprotective of Shinae because he doesn't trust her to handle her own problems, but really it's that Minhyuk, too, was traumatized by what happened and his inability to be a person who could help her. Knowing that he was the only person who cared about her, the only person who was willing to know her truth, made him grow ever more protective of the small, scrappy girl who just wanted to be peoples' friends and never deserved anything that happened to her. When you think about it, it must have been such a hard decision for him to make, to go to university in Chicago. And when he did, IT HAPPENED AGAIN! Shinae's stalker sister, being stuck at the Hirahara Corporation, knowing she's at work with people who have manipulated and hurt her. You literally cannot blame him for the intense overprotective way he treats her - it's not that he doesn't trust her or doesn't think she has it in her. It's that HE has never gotten over what happened to her and how easily it can (AND DID!!!!) happen again. It's that Minhyuk treasures Shinae and wants to show her the value she has and, in the same way as Shimhan, wants to protect her from things she never deserved to deal with ;~; don't touch me I AM EMOTIONS.

I have been lol thinking a LOT lately about Minhyuk and his entire character, how without the background context, it's so easy to blow his protectiveness out of proportion, but once you have the actual details, it's like... wow how could Minhyuk turn out any other way? It feels like the kind of nightmare that hovers at the edge of your mind - maybe it doesn't pop up anymore but you can't help but worry that maybe it will show up again. Frankly, the love that Minhyuk has for Shinae is so.... ;_______; I still haven't recovered from when he burst in yelling that he's the only damn person who cares about her like ;____; EVERYONE WAS SO HEAVILY AFFECTED BY THAT INCIDENT :( Minhyuk and Shinae talking about how he needs to let her take care of her problems seems even bigger now that we know what we do - how that kind of fear must still cling to him.

[sysig]

Read an interesting new fic, but really it was the spider that sold me (Patreon)

[zeussim]

I've been too much on social media. Seen too much of the skincare, young-obsessed part of it because it KEEPS POPPING UP. And it really made me insecure these past days. I looked in the mirror and was afraid I had gotten a nasolabial crease (yes only one). Then came acceptance and then came the realisation that I actually don't have that yet, social media just screwed with my head. Completely made me forget the ✨️beauty✨️ that I am! And even when I do get nasolabial creases (hopefully I get two cos only one would suck), I will still be absolutely stunning.

I really feel that the current society is obsessed with looking young but young≠beautiful, and I don't have to be wrinkle free or have a shaved face in order to be a beautiful woman or person. And I don't have to be beautiful either to have worth. I can just be.