#( // relevant BECAUSE I HAVE MISSED YOU )
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he literally sews his kids stupid little outfits from scratch does anyone even fucking care
#tmnt#i could talk about this for hours but it pisses me off so bad when people ON MY OWN POSTS are like ooh splinter is neglectful he suuucks#shut up you idiot everything he does is for them he would kill himself in a heartbeat for them#the fact that they even survived past infancy in their circumstances is a testament to phenomenal parenting by any realistic human standard#it's just that a) it's a show about the ninja turtles so of course they're going to have a lot of unsupervised escapades#& it's not fair to read THAT much into his absence b) they are older kids at this point & it's perfectly reasonable for a group of 13-17 y/#s to go to the grocery store without a chaperone and c) his strained relationship with his grandpa heavily informs his approach to parentin#so he thinks that smothering too much at this age will drive them away & he wants to encourage their blossoming independence as much as#possible because that's what he craved at that age#and it's so clear in every flashback that he was a constant nurturing & encouraging presence in their childhood & he misses the days when#they really relied on him hence piebald#and he WANTS to spend time with them he really does. he begged to be in their family band he has to excruciatingly hold himself back from#following them on their adventures at times but again he doesn't want to smother them at this age so he finds other outlets#remember when he bought a 20$ cup of lemonade from raph & leo because he didnt want them to be sad that they got no customers in their#Sewer lemonade stand#he loves them more than anything he's just weird and autistic about it okay. shut up. Shut the fuck up#not really relevant but his room is so baller i'd spend all my time here if this was my room. minifridge and everything
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This is the spiritual successor to Four Seasons Landscaping. To me.
#the political career of rishi sunak over the past two years is something that is absolutely fascinating to me#mans kicks off the mass resignation of virtually everyone of relevance in the johnson government just for a shot at power#manages to climb over everybody else in the leadership campaign; loses at the last hurdle to liz truss#(the human embodiment of a soggy ball of iceberg lettuce you left in your fridge and forgot about)#when truss’s premiership imploded he was right there to… further cock things up?#his highlights include hiring back a cabinet minister who had literally been fired the previous day#after 18 months; his party finally got sick enough of him violently hydroplaning down the highway to hell that they threatened him#with a vote of no-confidence#so he went out in the rain and went straight to charles iii of all people to ask him to dissolve parliament. as you do#and called a general election WHILE STILL IN THE RAIN and while the most unserious music imaginable played in the background#because i guess he thought ‘if i’m going down i’m bringing all of you with me’ ?????#knowing that unless something absolutely bananas happens; he is essentially handing over the country to keir starmer mind you#and then today someone placed him in front of a morrisons sign in such a way that his big head makes the sign look like it says ‘moron’#and photographed him as such. i’m obsessed. no notes#i will not miss this idiot but i can’t say i haven’t been entertained. because i have#i’m like genuinely impressed with how much the tories have managed to fuck up in so many different ways#to be honest ever since david cameron resigned and walked off humming; nothing has been normal here#i mean things were bad before that but good god#personal
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society if we got to do remote work for the expedition society while staying in serene village
#bwark#this most recent playthough kinda struck me with how much i don't really like the expedition society#like aside from ampharos mawile jirachi and archen the other member range from okay but idc that much (dedenne) to forgettable (bunnelby) to#characters i actively dislike (swirlix)#it sucks because the serene village chapters are so good but i find the lively town chapters to be just kinda ehh until you get#to the voidlands#i feel like the themes of the story would've worked even better if we got to stick with the serene village kids as our main cast members#ofc espurr gets relevance at the end but i miss the other kids too#it sucks having to say goodbye to pancham and shelmet right after they were doing better#would've made the nuzleaf betrayal better too because we don't really get to spend a whole lot of time with him
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Handmade Heaven
Rating: Mature (ish)
Fandom: Good Omens
Ship: Ineffable Husbands (Aziraphale/Crowley)
Summary:
Their hearts sang in Greek, in Hebrew, in languages unknown to man and that were so old it felt as though not even the Earth remembered them. They ached in it, blazed in it, brought it back to life between them.
#good omens#ineffable husbands#aziracrow#aziraphale x crowley#very purple prose smut#you might have to squint to see smut happening#posting again despite it being old#because i still love it and its relevant again#I did also edit itty bitty parts like a few words#and a couple of mistakes that were missed in editing#anyway grim and i rocked this one mk bye#my writing
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Interesting possibility about Hail the Nightmare chanting and... mercury?
Alright... This time it is quite a headcanon moreso than a theory, as I will refer not only just to the facts found in game, but also to the features and alchemical meaning of mercury that I, honestly, only found out in this fanfic about Micolash's magical mirrors:
It is not that I didn't know that mercury is basically 'liquid' metal of course, it is just that I did not pay attention to it within the Bloodborne context. But here, a bit from this fanfic that made me really THINK of it:
Basically: this metal would serve very well as a medium that connects the waking world and the Nightmare realm, and work well in the portals, as a metal that is also a liquid and combines two of the basic natural elements in alchemy system (water and air). The belief that it was a medium to connect two opposing, paradoxial things was recognised within alchemy.
But also, when I read about it, it made me recall that in the lyrics of Hail the Nightmare ( x ), there WAS, in fact, some bit about "silver water in the darkness":
I am not an expert in Latin though, so let me know if anything. However from the context it seems like their blood is "tainted" by "silver water", because 'et' here can also mean like... 'our tainting THAT IS silver water'. Pale blood that cosmic Kin bleed is closer to greyish yellow than 'silver' (so, drained out of color), so it is not likely to refer to that, right?
But you know what DOES, actually, feel like silver liquid (or watery silver, more literally)? Mercury! It is silver-colored, and is (sort of) liquid! And there is another bit:
'Tenebris' means darkness, and internal filenames of Bloodborne ( x ) consistently refer to Nightmare realm as darkness, too:
Ok ok ok trust me, I am going somewhere with this! We also can confirm that people in the ritual room where we find Micolash are not likely to be other Mensis scholars, but rather, victims of Micolash; they wear only rugs, they have shackles, and their cages are smaller than his. We also know that Brain of Mensis was made by Mensis:
It is not hard to see that Brain of Mensis appears to be made of melted bodies, not unlike how heads of Winter Lanterns are made of melded together Messengers. Except, this time, it is just... people?
So uhhh! This makes me think that maybe, Hail the Nightmare is not chanting or prayer of School of Mensis, but rather a lament of the victims of the ritual, that now 99.99% likely became Brain of Mensis! They sing about how they are cursed to be stuck in the Nightmare (the 'darkness') and can sense the 'silver water' connected to the fact. So, could they be stuck between worlds because before the ritual, they've gotten completely stuffed with mercury - the 'glue' between worlds, to be dragged in more effectively! This makes that 'Vale, vale' in Hail the Nightmare even sadder, to be honest:
And also sort of a bonus (not really, it is absolutely relevant): you remember how mercury bullets that the hunters use ARE connected to Oedon, who IS a Great One?
So like! What if! That actually makes even more sense to use THE metal that, within the lore, would be THE glue between the waking world and the world of the Great Ones! Because!! A medium of this nature would provide a muuuuuch more effective way to be connected to a Great One and transmit that Great One's will! Through your mercury-filled body! Because what if mercury glues the mortal and the divine together!
Also, since mercury is naturally poisonous for humans (very very much so), it might be an explanation for why hunters use bullets of this for so many years? Because as of now, they are held together by the 'magic' of a Great One that endorses bloodshed, that uses mercury for easier connection with them!
Honestly, absolutely None Of This would've fallen into the right place for me had I not read that fanfic, revealing some observations and facts about how mercury was supposed to work in alchemy lore and what it meant within it. So, I owe it to the writer for the inspiration.
It actually makes so much sense all of a sudden that I think I am going to adopt this headcanon about how mercury works within Bloodborne world and what it means for the characters and their... "science"? Heh. In the universe where we have magic and Hell knows what else, it would not be a very far stretch if some presumptions and theories of alchemy were pretty much legit laws of nature, you know! And again, it just makes so much sense in my eyes now.
#bloodborne#bloodborne theory#bloodborne headcanons#quicksilver bullets#formless oedon#(they are relevant too you know)#use later#reference to another work#this is what happens when bloodborne fans have eerly specific knowledge of alchemy occult and other bizarre things#it gives a path for things that make way too much sense#like i know how it sounds to say that i might have found some valid theory inspired by fanfic#however the fanfic used legit references.. and you know that fromsoft references 900000000 things#and still counting#bloodborne specifically uses ABSOLUTELY every weird thing ever used by humanity#(yet it doesn't feel convoluted)#alchemy is just such an obvious thing. right next to religious references ofc ofc#but even if i am missing some detail here that makes it 'not that deep fam'?#still this makes so much sense like... why mercury specifically? that's why#because in this realm it is magical and for a GOOD cause!
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a crucial and often overlooked part of the social media experience is the need to see posts from ppl about things you do not care about. do not misconstrue my words because im not talking about giving bigots a platform. im talking about following ppl who never shut up about a game i never want to play. people who post about their oc for a manga ive never read. fan artists who you have no idea what the hell theyre drawing but you like their style. vaguely horny artists who have kinks i dont understand. people who post about bands from the 70s as if theyre still together and on tour. people who are obsessed with poetry when youve never found a poem you really feel. like sometimes you gotta follow somebody totally at random just for the enrichment and see where it takes you.
#and THAT is why i hate algorithms. i do not want to be catered to i want to see the wide variety of people in their world and their passions#t#variety is the spice of life as they say!#and yknow sometimes that leads to me trying out a game or something i normally wouldnt and turns out its a new favourite.#sometimes that leads to sitting through an album and grimacing the whole time because its sooo not your taste but its something new#you need to do this with ppl irl too btw. form a passive interest in their loved things. branch out. try new hobbies and activities.#this doesnt mean forcing urself to follow ppl u hate btw. like if their politics suck or theyre annoying then leave. do whats best for you.#just dont get stuck in only comfortable familiar things. something true for social media that i think gets missed a lot these days#talking abt this bc of the prev post btw. im learning about anime girls from gacha games AND the relationship between various muslim sects.#its great! doesnt have any relevance to me personally but im learning!
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i keep looking at posts like "i stopped a binge" "i prevented a binge" and all of them are like. "i waited until the urge went away". buddy. the urge doesn't go away. there's no urge. there's just nothing else to do. i don't have anything else to do. every time i stop eating no matter how long i sit with the feeling or not, i always go for more food because there is genuinely nothing else in my life. nothing is enjoyable anymore. the world sucks. no matter what i force myself to do it's the only positive thing i can ever find.
#like okay cool i let the people around me guilt me into eating whatever they think i should be eating#i get it. i'm so fucking stupid for missing out opportunities to try new food. i should never buy the same food twice.#i should always buy all the variety i can and try everything.#i'm so stupid for having eaten the same stuff in a loop for years and years#i'm a massive fucking weirdo for not eating when other people are eating#i keep stealing food from my parents and the people around me i keep taking way too much of stuff intended for a group#nowhere i go will be free of obligations#i have to keep buying my own poison because everywhere i go there's other people's food waiting for me anyway#my parents keep looking at me like a freak no matter if i eat dinner with them or not#they see me binge and nothing happens#we just ignore it#i just eat until Designated Eating Time is finished#hunger doesnt ever have anything to do with it i just eat when food's in front of me#i need the ritual i need the structure it brings to my life#both meals with other people and my ritual binges#i dont know what to do with myself when i'm not binging#and it's like i'm not allowed to not want food#to other people#it's like i must necessarily want all food and anytime i refuse it's restriction#my friends are always like ooooh you can grab some of my fries if you want#or oooooh do you want the rest of my cookie#or ooooooh and how about you are you ordering something#and i'm like :) yeah sure :) like anybody else would :)#and to myself. to myself i don't know. i think i just want to give up. i want to suffer and i want to fuck up so badly.#so badly that no one can deny i need help#i want to be proven right. i'm just a little weakling and all i'm good for is to haunt the halls of a mental hospital.#no responsabilities no pressure nothing but a pitiable suffering victim#i want somebody or something to swoop in and save me#but nobody will come. it's my job to ask for reasonable help from the relevant authorities. and currently they can't offer that care.#so fuck me i guess
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Hi btw being trans does not automatically grant you supernatural understanding of all esoteric trans knowledge. You actually need to put effort into learning or put effort into keeping quiet about things that don't pertain to your specific experience
#my cishet brother has a better grasp of transgender theory than my transgender bisexual sister because he like... did some basic research#meanwhile my sister confidently told me 'oh youre nit trans youre neutral' the ither week and i almost slapped her#miss maam i am nonbinary and i have been out as some kind of trans for ten years i will politely ask you to shut up ONCE#also in no universe am i 'neutral' but even if i WAS by definition i would not be identifying wholly with my assigned sex#WHICH WOULD MAKE ME TRANSGENDER ANYWAY#apparently shes been portraying herself as the only trans in the family despite the fact that ive BEEN OUT FOR A DECADE#like ms maam when i came out you were TEN YEARS OLD. i taught you what transgender meant! i know for certain i taught you better#i DEFINITELY taught you better than to TELL PEOPLE WHAT THEY ARE#like okay i guess if youre not into research and history and you just wanna exist without having yo be an expert that is fine#but DO NOT present yourself as an expert. you are an expert in YOUR BODY and YOUR EXPERIENCES#like. shes got severe 'no one has ever done it like me. i am the weirdest girl at the party' syndrome#while also having the personality of an edgy piece of toast#i love her but i have. been very angry at her and i cant even say anything about it#like. baby girl you are a very generic case of autism and transgender and bisexuality. youre not the most random unique case#'how could you understand?!' meanwhile im sitting there wildly neuridivergent and transgender and i got eldest daughter/third parent trauma#like hmm yeah i wonder what id know about it. i wonder how i could possibly understand. i wonder how i could possibly offer relevant advice#i give up#shes a fucking edge lord and our mum feeds into it rather than being like 'some of your experiences are actually universal'#anyway rant over#my brother is an angel and i eould die for him. worlds best ally#he has never once misgendered me or made me feel weird about it. unlike some other siblings who demands i punch her if she gets it wrong#like... no? stop being weird about it youre making me more uncomfortable than using the wrong pronoun did#mums like that too 'oh i messed up hit me!' like no#how old are you?#grow up im not gonna hit you back why would hurting you make me feel better? does hurting people make you feel better?#cause that sounds like something you should see a licensed professional about. i dont care if its a therapist or a bartender#just do it away from me#rant#personal#delete later
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Poll adventure (paventure? lol) Day 15: read the small story tidbit below the poll for more details, OR just vote based on initial impression
(✦ see past poll results + further information HERE (link) ✦)
Yesterday's poll decided that The Adventurer should purchase some new shoes for himself while he's in the city...
~
It costs quite a bit of coin, but in the end he decides that having a new sturdy pair of boots will serve him well on his travels. After he's done in the shop, he rushes back to the local inn before nightfall, eventually settling into a somewhat restless sleep..
The next morning, he orders some cheap vegetable stew from a food stall, then lounges in a park as he has his breakfast, watching the squirrels weave through flowering trees and birds pecking about in the dewy grass.. When finished with his meal (and sufficiently recovered from the emotional turmoil of burning his tongue on the soup), he quickly sells his old pair of shoes to a sketchy pawn shop before finally getting back to his journey...
By his calculations, if he he walks all day, it should only be two more sleeps before he gets to his destination, so he sets out to travel as efficiently as possible. He doesn't have the money to rent a cart, or the skill to ride a borrowed horse, but, he does have some fancy new walking shoes and a renewed sense of purpose. No more meandering through fields looking for flowers, napping in the shade, or scanning the ground for cool rocks.. He's going to focus this time!
......After a few hours, he comes across a broken down carriage in the middle of the road, with few people surrounding it, seemingly stuck trying to repair a wheel or something. It's hard to discern from afar..
Maybe if he helps them, he could get a free ride.. or some coins.. or make a new lifelong friend! Who knows? Possibilities flood his mind, this is what adventuring is all about! Wandering into interesting situations and making the most out of them!! .. But, then he recalls his previous oath.. he's supposed to focus today and not allow himself to sidetracked.. And who says he has the skills to help anyway? It could always just be a waste of time... Hmm...
What should he do?
~
~
Additional Information
the adventurer's current main quest: follow his map to reach the abandoned castle ruins and see the rare animal specialist about the mysterious egg he has
#paventure posting#poll#polls#choose your own adventure#GHWOOPPPs yeah it's been an entire month basically since the last one ghj.. I said I was trying to get back on schedule.. idk what happened#I guess I initially thought that april would be a less busy month but then it actually ended up being MORE busy with a ton of appointments#and stuff so then I had like no time. on top of trying to get a lot of other stuff done... so.. eughhh#I DO STILL want to keepon track of this more though. I want to at least get him to the abandoned castle so he can complete#his quest. I think like. the first poll a lot of people seemed to like and care about and participate in so it was kind of like 'oh! cool!#it can be a fun collaborative story with a lot of people!' but then gradually less people participate or care so then I kind of allow mysel#to slack with it as well liike 'oh its fine if I miss a day or two here and there' which then turns into a month when I have other stuff#to do lol. Because it does still take time. like maybe 2 hours to put a post together. even if the art and writing is relatively rushed and#quick. Especially since polls are not editable once posted so half the time is just proofreading the post and tags 15 times#just to make super sure there's no errors or etc. lol.. But trying to clear two hours of time during an already hectic day for something#that generally speaking very few people are engaged with or care about at all when it's meant to be interactive (like with normal art#or costumes or other stuff I do - low interaction doesnt bother me since that's not the point/it's not as relevant. but with an actual poll#you do want like.. the most poeple possible to vote on it etc. lol) so it's like.. ehhh#I was originally thinking like 'oh i could do this for an entire year and tell like a whole story and it'd be cool to see where it ends#up eventually after so long and the community kind of choosing the direction of everything!' but now its like 'well people care significant#ly less about the following polls than they did the first one so maybe not As Big Of A Thing but I do at least want to finish the current#thing going on' etc. I mean if in the next few posts it becomes More Of A Thing then it's very fluid. I could do it for longer#but with the way things are looking it's like. is it worth the time investment when i ALSO have 800 other creative projects I'm meant to be#working on?? etc. etc. ANYWAY though.. Still there will probably be at least 10 or however many more since there's still like 1-2 more days#before he even gets to the castle plus then doing things AT the place.#I want to continue his journey!!!!! I also have just felt sick and weird and so unfocused for a while eughhh.. sorry#OO I almost forgot about his injury from the fight. i had to just add it in the last moment lol.. SEE this is why I proofread 100 times#I can't edit polls so they have to be Correct the first time.. ueghhh
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sometimes your brain just decides to attack you throughout the day and we'll into the night and all you can really do is lay in your bed and be sad about it without really being able to talk to anyone about it to relieve the pressure because it is 5 in the fucking morning.
#personal#Sometimes you want to be brave and address some concerns that have been weighing heavy on your heart for a long time#But then you realize it's one of the people you wanna talk to's birthday and you can't fuck up their birthday with Heavy Shit#But also it seems like every single time you want to say something they've just gone through some new horrible trauma#And so the timing is never right to have that kind of talk#But then you wouldn't know when the right time is anyway because you don't really talk about anything anymore#Which is precisely the thing you want to talk about actually#And you're not sure if you've done something to piss somebody off or if you're just not relevant to them or if you're being neurotic#And so instead of sleeping when you're so so tired you are driven with insomnia induced by the pounding of your heart#It feels like drowning and I know this feeling cause it's an old feeling I know intimately and it's scary feeling it again#It's the overbearing loneliness I lived with when I was at my absolute worst and the thought of slipping into that is making me panic a bit#I might have tachycardia or something too idk man I think my heart skips every once in a while#Anyway I want to vomit#Actually I want to sleep but it feels like I have to expel some emotional bile in order to do that#I need the elephant to get off my chest#I miss my cat#I feel like I'm going crazy I feel like I'm getting kind of bad
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I think the universe just hates me personally (can't find my scooby doo comics)
#WHERE ARE THEY#i own like 5 individual issues split between SD WAY and SD & batman adventures and i cant find like 4 of them#this is important bc i just got this new app where you track which comics youve read and i need to be accurate bc yay lists and just aaaggh#also sidenote i think ive found my soulmate this one person leaves a review on each and every WAY comic and they EVEN AGREE WITH ME#literally they said they hated over the boardwalk and i was literally like 'i think im in love'#also i know you guys almost certainly dont know what that is. i have an insanely unporportional hatred of that story especially compared to#its relevancy to scooby comics much less scooby doo as a whole#however i hate it so fucking much its unreal. like pure rage. its worse than scooby apocalypse to me <<<<absolutely nonsensical opinion#anyways feel free to ask me about it (i dare you. i dare you to do it) because i WILL fume with rage and i think that must be heard#but i will not go into a scooby comics rant unprompted. because before i subject you to that i need to know that at least 1 person is#remotely interested lol#also to properly form my rant id have to make myself read over the boardwalk again 🤢🤢🤢 <<<again nonsensical response#and i wont do that for me but id do it for any of you in an instant#ANYWAYS WHERE ARE MY COMICS. LITERALLY ONLY MY SCOOBY ONES (minus one sd & batman issue) ARE MISSING#my far sector tpb? got it! the historical civil war comic i think my grandfather gave me in 5th grade? have that! the scooby doo comics?#gone. vanished from this plane of existence#actually i do know where they are. i have too many books to fit in my bookcase so theres a huge stack that takes up like part of a wall of#books and notebooks and folders and old school binders and other junk#................#goddamn it im going to go through that aren't i#this is gonna be a total mess dear lord#if i die know that i got crushed by a huge tower of books btw#anyways now time to go thru a bunch of trouble to track down like 3 single issues i KNOW i own#blah
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ROUND 2 MATCH-UPS EVERYBODY
Tabby (@cure-icy-writes) vs Elle Chihiro (@cure-icy-writes)
Ni'iri (@sillysorcerer) vs Spirit (@spirits-of-kin)
Gull (@featherfrond) vs Paxel (@cat-skull)
Kitty Heels (@esmaelj) vs Ginger (@esmaelj)
Jade (@dragontoonss) vs Caitrionia (@kjmellow)
Vivi (@rainewintersnow) vs Apotheosis (@horizontalnobelcat)
Nico (@crownne-prince) vs Narciso (@crownne-prince)
Briarfang (@plaguedbutch) vs Leafcloud (@plaguedbutch)
Bobsyfella (@thunderwhenhepurrs) vs Jinna (@teknoctarkamacska)
Tumbledown (@sugarsprinkles) vs Caro (@sugarsprinkles)
Frozen Teeth (@element-kitten-klaws) vs Pawtree Purrety (@kdm13)
Mason Spectrespeaker (@2bu) vs Kat (@laceghost / @laceghost-art)
Mina (@spacedragonstar) vs Lara and Rio Coddsworth (@acromafireair)
Cherry Lipstick (@hyephyep) vs Lane (@hyephyep)
Round 1 brackets
Round 1 results
Polls will run for a week, and I should manage to set them up in a few days!
#I FEEL SO BAD NOW BECAUSE I HAVE APPARENTLY MISSED SOME PROPAGANDA POSTS FOR ROUND 1 AND I HAVE NO IDEA HOW THIS HAPPENED 😭😭#If you see that I haven't posted or reblogged the relevant propaganda within 24h of you posting it - absolutely feel free to nag me about i#Tag me. Send me asks. DM me. You can and should do everything in your power to make sure I see and share it.#the missed posts (for different characters!) were also apparently shared at more or less the same time#now that I look back at it!#So I just missed them in fucking bulk oh my god I'm so sorryyyy 😭😭#I will also now be checking the interactions for each specific poll and not just notifications#which STILL doesn't 100% mean I can't miss something because tumblr betumblr#AHEM ANYWAY ONCE AGAIN I'M SO SO SORRY FOR NOT REBLOGGING SOME THINGS#JUST WANT TO CLARIFY THAT IT DEFINITELY WAS NOT ON PURPOSE I PROBABLY JUST MISSED IT which is still my fault anyway#original cat showdown
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Travelling back home tomorrow hoping for a smooth groove
#i did have a really nice week last week but now im back to everything feeling busy#(its not really that busy)#and oh i miss being slow like idk ever since i was a literal child doing ONE excursion weekly#for an hour#always felt like such s draining burden#and tbh i would like to know why thst is because while it's easy to see as poor habit as an adult reinforcing itself#as a kid i was always made to do things. see people.#i did a summer camp every year at least during the day#i did sports i went hiking in forests#but i remember so distinctly like an age where i stopped asking my parents to try new things#because i would get so excited!!!! but then every week it would become this overwhelming presence#despite being something that i actively enjoyed#and it eventually felt so awful i was like okay no more wanting things you dont use them wisely#like ouch yeah actually that's a big one. wanting things usually wraps back#around to shame or guilt just about always#anyway how is this relevant to travelling?#it's just that i have to travel tomorrow and i have a doctors appointment Friday i have to go to in person#ive changed beds ive slept in 3 times in 5 days#and all i can say at the end of it is that even these little things are JUST enough to be on edge#to feel like im putting my hands over my ears and closing my eyes and pretend nothing bad is gonna happen#even thougu DEFINITELY something bad is going to happen#but of course it doesnt because this is all benign stuff ive done a trillion times before of no note#crazy how complicated it can be to be a person#it is why i dream of living in a small village where i am an apprentice tradesperson and i live simple house#and the house you can walk to anywhere you need to anywhere you need in an your#but no one is that urgent about anything anyway.#beautiful little place that has never actually ever existed for anyone in anytime#but i am still wanting to scream and pull my hair out just asking why why cant everything slow down and be smaller
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Mental health is going downhill, I'm not sure how to handle that right now... The end of the year feels more and more lonely at the days pass.
Cherish your loved ones, make sure they know they count in your life.
#i'm trying so hard to keep myself busy#but it's mentally tiring to have to produce anything to feel like I'm buying my right to exist#without this... why am i even here?#if I'm not producing anything i'm absolutely irrelevant in this world#'it's the anxiety speaking' you bet it is and it's damn right#i have no purpose no one will miss me when my parents are gone#i'm still here because i don't want to ruin their life#what happens when the only people you're relevant to disappear?#i'm taking up space and ressources that could go to someone else#would therapy help? to learn to lie to myself into thinking 'we all deserve to live'?#live for what exactly? be a waste of space? be so deeply useless?#if i disappeared right now my job would replace me my pets would go to my parents#and that's it#that's everything my life is made of#and it's no one's fault#but maybe we're not all made to live
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unpopular opinion but a ship being queer coded doesn't make it compelling
#the dynamic between the characters‚ on another hand‚ does!#sometimes ships from certain media are carried by 'queer coding' instead of being relevant because of the actual relationship#that‚ to me‚ means very little#what does it matter if their colours compliment each other or that their names are intended to hint at something if the relationship in#the story fails to portray anything romance-like or their dynamic is just poorly written?#i could go on a tangent here because this is coming from me wanting to rant about a specific genshin ship but i will shut up#i just want to be a hater#i don't even hate the ship itself it's the fans who take scenes out of context and depth from the characters to make the narrative fit#also the constant idea in fandoms that friendships/platonic relationships can't have depth or be the reason someone cares deeply for#somebody else. or even the idea platonic feelings can't be complicated.#i think it's also hard for me to swallow every genshin ship because it's obvious they use queer coding without compromise as a way to#profit with both the staights and the lgbts but whatever#yes i am aware of the censorship but i'm also aware they're a multi-millionaire company that keeps repeating the same 'formula'#for marketing everytime new characters are released... and it works.#genshin will never be as gay as actual gay media from gay creators and i think people have a hard time grasping that#a bit unrelated to my original point but also not really because i do think it influences the way people interact with the story#i'm not trying to say people can't have fun by the way 😂#this all started because i dislike a popular ship and that makes you feel like you're somehow missing a few screws#how come i'm the only right person here 🤣 (joking)
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