#(Like its COMMON for us to talk abt it BECAUSE WE ALMOST ALL WENT THROUGH IT except the youngest of F.L. fam end!!)

[efyra]

EEEK I WAS SO EXCITED TO JOIN UR CELEBRATION i knew it wouldnt be long til u post it🦋

can i get 🌷 im a female she/her, ravenclaw, im easily bored n a perfectionist idk if being easily bored is a personality or not lol facts abt me: im using a baby towel as my towel, im using a baby lotion, i love to collect anything that has simba from the lion king in it bcs my fav animal is lion n my fav movie is the lion king n i like to bake😋 ship me w whoever give me the wildcard!

i wrote 4 facts hshdhshs but i hope thats okay congratulations again my love😘

my sweet naila 🥺 thank you, my popcorn 🍿i really hope you like it!

✨ 𝐣𝐨𝐢𝐧 𝐦𝐲 𝟓𝟎𝟎 𝐟𝐨𝐥𝐥𝐨𝐰𝐞𝐫𝐬 𝐜𝐞𝐥𝐞𝐛𝐫𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 ✨

and because i know you, i ship you with...

draco malfoy

Hakuna Matata?

note: just an alternate universe where draco doesn’t become a death eater

On a spring afternoon, Draco told you:

"You're wrong, you know?"

Your eyebrow arched. "Why do you say that?"

"Because it's true" he chuckled.

"Draco" you turn your body so you can face your Slytherin boyfriend "I'm sure we spoke for the first time in Hogsmeade."

"You're wrong" he repeated, still with a presumptuous and funny tone.

You huffed. "So, will you tell me when we first spoke?"

"Professor Slughorn had just passed us an assignment on Everlasting Elixirs..." Draco smothered a laugh when he saw your eyes widen.

"Oh no..."

"Oh yes"

And in fact, Draco was right.

The first time you spoke was after a Potions class during your sixth year. You had stayed in the classroom to ask some questions to Professor Slughorn about the assignment you were supposed to do, and for this reason, you were late for your next class.

You ran down the corridors to get to the Charms classroom, but you always were a little clumsy and stumbled on your own feet. For your luck - very lucky - you find something to hold on to: the platinum blond boy's robes in front of you.

Draco is pulled back when he feels something grabbing on his Slytherin robe. "Hey, be more careful" he said angry and when he turned to find out who had dared to do such a thing, he sees you and, for a moment, he is lacking of words.

The Slytherin boy kinda knows you.

"The Ravenclaw girl that smells like baby lotion and vanilla. What is her name...?"

But he didn’t have time to ask you anything because the second you two run into each other, you start saying, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry..." and quickly pick up your stuff that fell to the ground before running back to your next class.

He realized that you missed your quill. Unwittingly, Draco opened a smile and picked up the object, keeping it in his pocket.

"You stole my quill!" you exclaimed, pointing a finger in the direction of your boyfriend. "I've been looking for it for days!"

"In my defense, I wanted to give it back to you," Draco explains, "but you always ran away from me.

Once again, he was right: you, in fact, tried your best to avoid any contact with Slytherin boy; this was because you were aware of his arrogant fame and didn't want to hear any unpleasant words, but this never happened.

"Here" Draco extends to you the quill.

A surprised look appears on your face when you take the familiar object in your hands. "Have you kept it all this time?" you ask with curiosity.

He shrugs. "I was waiting for an opportunity to give it back to you, but..."

"But?" you insist.

"We met at Three Broomsticks... so I decided to keep it to myself."

Months after that first "conversation", you and Draco met again.

You were entering the pub at the same instant he was leaving; and for the second time, you bumped into each other.

"Can you tell me if this will become an annoying habit?" the blond asked in irritation.

But you ignored him completely, your neck rising up and looking around the place, searching for something; apparently your friends hadn't finished their shopping at Honeydukes yet.

Draco snapped his fingers in front of you, catching your attention - hating to be ignored.

"Ah" you gasped, remembering the Slytherin boy’s presence "I'm sorry, I thought I was late and...".

"Is that why you're still wearing a towel?" he questioned amusingly, pointing towards your neck.

To your horror, you still carried your Lion King towel over your shoulders and thought you would regret for all eternity to embarrass yourself in front of Draco freaking Malfoy, but fate had a funny way of executing its plans.

"But what's this weird thing?" was the question that started your relationship with Draco.

The second time you talked was much longer than the first; you sat at a table at Three Broomsticks and drank butterbeer while you told Slytherin boy the story of Simba.

Draco hadn't found the story super interesting, but he had definitely loved being able to feel your baby lotion and vanilla perfume more. He had loved to hear the sound of your voice. He hadn't been able to take his eyes off you while you made exaggerated gestures with your hands trying to describe scenes from the children's movie - he thought you looked beautiful, very beautiful.

You said goodbye to each other when your friends showed up next to your table holding Honeydukes' bags. And you thought you would never talk to Draco Malfoy again, but you were wrong, because, that night, he went to sleep thinking about you.

The third time you talked was the next day when Draco kicked out your partner from Potions to sit next to you. Professor Slughorn couldn't care less about the exchange of partners and gave you an assignment to do in pairs.

As you continued talking with him, you realized that the blond Slytherin boy might not be so unpleasant.

The first time your heart beat faster when you were in Draco's presence was when he held your hand when you were about to add an ingredient to the potion you should prepare together.

"Silly girl" he had said with a smile "you have to prick it first.

Then, one afternoon you were in Hogwarts library, researching in several books what you could include in the Potions report that you should write in pairs. 

"We should put this" Draco pointed to a line on the book's page.

It took you a few seconds to read what was written and you shook your head. "No, no."

"Why not?" The blond frowned.

"Because it's too obvious!" you huffed. "I bet everyone will write the same thing."

"Maybe because it's right?" he said almost incredulous.

"Writing something right, but still different is what will make us stand out," you winked. 

And it was on that day that Draco Malfoy realized that he might be in love with you.

Your first kiss was a few days before the end of the school year, after a hard exams period, you were sharing a couch on Slytherin's common room and a chocolate frog.

"I got dirty?" you asked after licking the chocolate leftovers from your fingers, turning to Draco. Unconsciously, you tilted your head to the side and your lips curved up in a little smile - at that moment, Draco thought you had never looked so cute, but at the same time, so irresistible.

Without answering your question, he brought his face close to yours, connecting your lips in a sweet kiss.

You and Draco were together, but you were not dating.

During the summer, you exchanged letters almost every day. You had gotten used to Draco's presence, it was weird not being with him.

When September arrived again, you didn't waste any time and got in the train, looking for the platinum blond who occupied your thoughts the whole time, but it was him who found you.

You two shared a cabin - and nobody dared to join you.

"Ah" you extended a bag that you were carrying in Draco's direction "this is for you".

The Slytherin boy looked at you surprised - and a little terrified.

"Is that a gift? I didn't even buy her a gift... did I have to buy a gift? Will she be upset? What if she...", but his thoughts were interrupted when you said, "It's just some cookies. I promise it's not poison or anything" with a playful smile on your face.

Draco didn't know you could bake, but he was pleasantly surprised to find out - especially since your cookie was delicious.

And that was the day he was sure that he fell in love with you.

He asked you to be his girlfriend on a Christmas morning in Hogwarts right after giving you a nice necklace as a gift.

And since then, you had brought Draco a joy he had never felt before - and which he never thought he could feel.

Your favorite pastime was to go to Three Broomsticks and drink butterbeer together while you talked about the most diverse subjects.

And Draco still loved to hear you talking about Lion King.

That same spring afternoon, you and Draco were in Slytherin's common room; he was sitting on an armchair and you were on his lap.

"You know, I still think you should watch Lion King with me," you say, your fingers brushing through your boyfriend's platinum blond wires.

"I rather hearing you telling the story to me" Draco answers with a smile, giving a kiss in the corner of your mouth. "Besides, we need to finish that Potions assignment."

"Oh no, let's stay like this a little bit longer."

"But that's for two days from now."

"Hakuna Matata, Draco. Hakuna Matata."

"Hakuna Matata?"

[rainingspellforlove]

shouldn’t have

hi im back with another fic >< but it’s eunhae’s uwu. read this while listening to raining spell for love to experience more angst ;;-;; enjoy my first eunhae’s  fic and my first angst fic! 

listen to raining spell for love : 

https://open.spotify.com/track/7j4r8X575ZnyWk0jkukNp7?si=irOj7OmgRFynzGCaL754dg

It's been so wrong. Hyukjae always feels it so wrong. But he did loving him. He's already falling deep. But now it cant be anymore. This is impossible. He shouldn’t have loved him from the start. He knew he's always been wrong for having this feeling. He knew  it will  break himself someday. He knew he will be in this state of the worst heartbreak ever. But how can he (un)love this angel? He had already fallen. Fallen for him too deep.The fact he's been in love for his one and only best friend is already hurting. The one who's been always with him from his early days until now.   But now, he's shattered. 

Hyukjae and donghae still been friends till now. 20 years old friendship. They had been known each other since their middle school days. it’s been so long. They went through a lot till today. They overcome all of their problems together and they depend on each other a lot. Everyone will say they have their unique friendship. They always been so close and too many things that only of them understand. They’re just too close. They had many similarities in their own way. People said that it’s too much similarities for them to have and their chemistry is so unbelievably amazing. It’s like they are naturally meant for each other. Just like a pair of shoes. 

It’s so natural and a common thing to say they always crash at each other’s houses. That was before eunhyuk moved back to the dorm. back then donghae always comes to eunhyuk’s apartment almost everyday. and vice versa. but it mostly donghae who asked to come or donghae just comes to eunhyuk’s without notice. They always been like this. Donghae who likes skinships a lot while eunhyuk just lets donghae do whatever to him. Maybe some people will think that their moments are just fanservice but thats just how they are. they’re just being the way they are. 

They always rely on each other a lot actually. They almost didnt keep a secret between each other. they knew each other too well more than any other members. They even knew each other’s individual schedule or events. like who who will eunhyuk meet after this, or what will donghae do tomorrow, those kind of stuffs. every lil things they did, they always knew for each other. they are just unbelievably close. 

But who knows, one of them is really falling. It’s too much for him to receive these affections alone. He always keeps it cool but deep inside he might explode. It's already long enough for hyukjae to love him since then. The way he keeps hiding his feelings for himself. Not telling anyone about it. Imagine hiding this stupid feeling alone for the closest person  in this fucking world. He did suffering for himself. He always keeps it for himself. He didnt want to ruin this freaking long friendship just because of this dumb feeling. Donghae loves skinships so much. Like soooo much. He always touchs hyukjae unconsciously. At first, hyukjae always gets used to it when donghae did sudden hugs or held his hand. He already gets used to it. it’s been 20 years ofcourse he must get used to it. Donghae is indeed a clingy person so he always clings into hyukjae unconsciously like a habit. That’s a problem actually. Hyukjae actually didnt mind it at all when donghae being such a clingy ass but sometimes he cant handle that. 

Actually there’s one time he cant handle it. That time when they did a comeback for D&E, they did a blueroom live. Then they talked about their nicknames for each other. When they talked abt donghae’s nickname “haeknojam” then donghae starts to kiss hyukjae’s hand suddenly while laughing like an idiot  and he did it twice! in a fucking live broadcast. Hyukjae always keeps his cool and just lets donghae did it. he just said “Aniyoo” for times responding to donghae. That time actually, his heart almost explode. He thought why he did these in a live broadcast. and why did he kiss hyukjae’s hand?  hyukjae still cant figure it why he did it. that time after filming, donghae just acts like nothing happened. but hyukjae deep inside was flustered as hell but of course he acts like usual. Being playful and stuffs. Donghae just being himself too, being random and stuffs. Donghae always like this. It’s just hyukjae who’s been dazed and confused all the time. That time hyukjae tried so hard to calm his self down by jumping and dancing all the time. When donghae comes to ask,

“Hyukjae-ya, why are you practicing at this time, our schedule just ended right?”

“O-Oh i just wanna get myself sweaty,, i feel like my body stiffen, so yeah i keep practicing”

“Yeokshi uri d&e leader. dont push yourself too hard. promise me you will rest after this, okay?” he handed hyukjae a towel and  circling it into his neck while then keep wiping his sweat in hyukjae’s cheeks with that towel

“u-uhm of course. thanks”

“youre welcome always, my E oppa~~ chat me when you arrive at the dorm okay? lets go home” replied him while smiling 

“okay i will...”  

then donghae went to the car and went home. hyukjae feels his knees are gone then he sat on the floor.

“why he keeps confusing me...... sigh”

day after day of their promotions went well. At the end of the promotions, donghae was not like his usual self. It’s not he completely different person but he’s less clingy. and he often checks his phone and sometimes smiling while looking at his phone. Hyukjae thought maybe donghae looked at some funny things on his insta but thats just weird because he’s being too often looking at the phone. then he often picks up his phone outside it’s like he hides something from hyukjae. It’s not usual for him to do that. He always picks up his calls in front of hyukjae but not right now. It’s been weeks he did that, but actually hyukjae didnt care at all. Maybe he had something that is really his privacy. so he didnt think about it too much. But, day by day passed and it’s been 1 month already. He still being like that. When hyukjae came to his apartment, actually donghae asked him to come but donghae keeps being on the phone.  It’s not the real hyukjae if  he hadnt been curious. He was curious as hell. At first he keeps resisting himself not to be curious but maybe he cant after all. When hyukjae prepared the food he bought for donghae, donghae suddenly put his phone and went to shower. Hyukjae hesitated at first but he didnt care so he went quick to the table and looked at donghae’s phone. He enters the passwords (actually he knew it because donghae already told him when they went to a drive together, donghae cant open the phone because he focused on driving so he asked hyukjae to reply his mother’s message) and checked his kakao and insta. then he found one person other than him and his family in his pinned chats in his kakao. Then he opened the messages. 

Hyukjae never been so speechless before, it’s the first time. It turned out that person is donghae’s lover. He looked at those sweet messages and actually this saturday is their 3 months. they talked about how they can meet at saturday. it’s not just how his heart breaks in pieces. the fact he didnt tell him about it at all. and it’s been 3 months. how... hyukjae thought maybe if donghae told him, he can be prepared at anytime... 

“i thought we keep no secrets... but this is actually my fault too. i did have secret. so i deserved this.”

“but it hurts like hell what the fuck....” then hyukjae put donghae’s phone back to its place.  and tears keep falling without hyukjae realized himself. then he took his bag and left the food prepared for donghae. He left the house and cried on the way to the dorm. Hyukjae left a message to donghae via kakao.

Donghae who came out the bathroom after showering, becomes flustered. 

“Hyukjae ya, how’s the food is it good?”

no answer,,

“Hyukjae, where-” 

then he got notif from hyukjae 

“sorry i left first, i have something to do. I already prepared the tteokbokki. Have a good meal”

Donghae was so confused but he ate the tteokbokki anyway. he still didnt feel something strange..

few days after that, super junior have a schedule together for an interview. It’s so obvious that hyukjae tried so hard to avoid donghae at all cost. He distants himself from donghae and avoid donghae’s affections. He tries to keep it cool and still jokes around to the members. but he only avoids donghae. when donghae tries to talk to hyukjae after the interview ends, hyukjae keeps telling him he must go home. then donghae holds hyukjae’s hand

“Lee hyukjae, whats wrong with you? you’re obviously avoiding me? did i do something wrong?”

“N-no at all. you’re just touching me too much.”

“but i always did these to you,and you’re okay with that”

“yes but right now it’s not. okay good bye i must go right now. let go”

“just tell me why... please...”

“you didnt need to know”

then hyukjae pulls his hand harder and finally donghae let him go. donghae becomes frustrated himself. 

Leeteuk who saw this on the back feels there’s something wrong with these two... 

Hyukjae becomes so distant from donghae day by day, but no one notices it. it’s just donghae who feels something wrong but hyukjae will never tell him why. the members didnt feel it weird either because the atmosphere while being together as full members still feel lively. It didnt sound wrong at all. but only leeteuk who feels something weird. leeteuk who sees them quietly when in a dressing room, donghae didnt talk to hyukjae at all. hyukjae too, he didnt intend to talk to donghae at all. hyukjae always talks to kyuhyun or yesung in their leisure time. and donghae who hangs out with siwon all the time. it feels natural. but it feels weird too. then leeteuk asks donghae to come outside...

“Hey whats wrong?” leeteuk asks

“Me? im fine? why hyung asks that?”

“hyukjae. seems like you both not in a good terms recently”

“oh that. i dont know either” 

“ask him then what you did wrong”

“i have. but he said i didnt need to know?! he’s weird as fuck. how can i know what i did wrong while he’s being childish like that”

“hmmm, maybe you hide something and he did feeling betrayed or stuff? it may happen. those things always happen right for us”

“ah... maybe i know.....” 

then donghae rushed to hyukjae. 

“we need to talk”

“there’s nothing to talk about”

“hyukjae please.” 

“let me go”

“lee hyukjae... please”

“fine. i’ll give you 5 minutes”

“you saw my phone right?”

“thats- yeah i didnt mean to but yes i saw that you actually had a lover”

“thats why you’re mad?”

“yes? ofcourse? i feel betrayed you didnt tell me at all. i thought we’re close enough to tell about those kinda stuffs” (actually there’s not the only reason donghaeya.....)

“im about to tell you that night actually.. sorry for not telling you, im afraid that youre uncomfortable with this... pls forgive me okay”

“i-im okay for those kinda stuffs. im happy for u bro actually. but it’s just i feel sad you didnt tell me..”

“ so you forgive me?”

“hm maybe?” hyukjae still feels uncomfortable with this, its like he didnt want to see this fucking handsome angelic face in front of him anymore

then donghae becomes so happy and hugs him rightaway. hyukjae quickly tries to let go of him. 

“alright alright, let me go. lets just go home okay” donghae smiled happily after he heard he already been forgiven. but hyukjae still pretending. he pretends that it’s all okay for donghae for having a lover. but he’s not okay at all.

hyukjae forgives him but he cant face him actually and pretends to be fine all the time. everytime he meets donghae, he just feels uncomfortable. it didnt feel the same. hyukjae cant see him the same as before. hyukjae still keeps his cool and lets donghae did his skinships to him freely but deeply inside he is hurting. one day, he went to the building’s rooftop to get some fresh air in the middle of their schedule. Leeteuk suddenly comes to him.

“hyukjae ya....”

“oh whats wrong hyung?”

leeteuk doesnt say a word but immediately hugs him and pats his hair.

“i know it’s been hard”

hyukjae is flustered why he did this...

“hard? what do you mean hyung? hahaha”

“you loved him, am i right?”

“him?”

“eish stop pretending to be fine. i knew you two fights few days ago then you told him it was because he didnt tell you about his lover, it’s not the only reason right?”

“so you knew......”

“jtub told me that donghae already had a lover, donghae didnt tell me at first haha then he admitted it himself after then.”

“oh right.”

“what will you do then after this?”

“i dont know.. i cant keep pretending all the time. it hurts me to see his face it’s like i wanna punch him”

“even you loved him you want to punch him? lol”

“yes i hate that idiot smile of his until i want to-”

“kiss him so bad?”

“HYUNG”

“okay okay hahaha im kidding”

“but... sometimes i think of that too but ofcourse i wont do it” 

“he kissed your hand in a live broadcast why wont you?”

“no way i would kiss him first. its just me who had this feeling. he never feel the same, he just likes to play with me. its confusing”

then hyukjae silents for a bit

“hyung.. is it okay for me to go for a while? i kinda want to distract myself for  a while”

“its okay hyukjaeya. i respect all of your decisions as long as youre happy with it”

“ehm, it hurts so much seeing him these days. he keeps calling with his lover while there is me there in his house. thats fucking hurts. i cant do this anymore hyung. it’s like i wanna punch him for real. i hate having this feeling from the start.. i-i- *sobs*” hyukjae cried in leeteuk’s embraces. he cried so hard that time. 

“shussh shussh it’s okay hyukjae.. it’s a natural thing for us to fall in love. it’s not our fault to fall in love in the first place.”

“heuk- heuk- but i hate feeling this way. i hate myself” hyukjae still sobbing

after crying for so long, leeteuk’s shirt becomes so wet then leeteuk just laughs

“how can you hide those red eyes hahaha”

“right..... i dont know......”

“here i bring sunglasses lol just go home after this okay, so the members wont be suspicious haha”

“thank you so much hyung.... youre the best” 

“nah its always been my job to babysit all of you. so where would you go?”

“Japan. Maybe next week”

“okay, take care hyukjae. i will call you then”

then one day, hyukjae comes to his usual bar to hang out with donghae. but he comes alone. he feels like he wants to drink until he passed out for the last time before he goes to japan. then there’s jtub (donghae’s friend who is a composer too) who hangs out alone too. 

“Oh hyukjae, you come. Alone? where’s donghae?”

“nah i just feel like drinking alone”

“why?”

“i dont know i just want it”

then hyukjae really drinks a lot like A LOT. jtub tries to stop him but hyukjae insists he must drink more

“stop it or you will pass out here”

“i ddont fckin caree.. it issss m-my pplaaan annywway tto ssleep hhere until tomorrowww”

hyukjae lost it. he really lost it. he’s blabbering random sentences just now

“why.. wwhy sshould i llove that iddiot, i wanna kick hhis fckin handsome fface riight nnow,,,,, bastaard hhow you come to pplay wwith myy ffeelingg llike this,, itt hurtts sso mmuch i hhate yyou” then he sobs

“argghhhhhhh my head’‘ss sppinning” 

jtub didnt know who he was talking about but right now he needs to call someone to bring this idiot to come home

“hyukjae you need to come home.. i’ll call donghae”

“NOO DDONT CCALL THHAT BASTTARD” he tried to take jtub’s phone but it failed because he cant control himself because of the alcohol

“ah... so he’s heartbroken....... eish i didnt know that hyukjae is falling for his best friend.. eish let them finish this problem themselves i should back out”

“nno ddont him ppleasse, or i will kick hhis fucckin facce when hhe comess llater” then he sobs and passed out in the long table near the barista

few minutes later, donghae comes in a rush. 

“donghae ya here!” jtub calls

“oh my, what did you feed him huh?!?”

“wow slow man, he’s drinking and paying those bottles himself you know, i tried to stop him but he insisted to drink it until morning.”

“why’s he like this... he never been like this before...”

“you didnt know? why’s he like this? really?”

“uhm no, why? do you know?”

“try to figure it yourself then, its your problems anyway.”

“so he’s like this , because of me?!”

“spoiler : yes”

“oh man, why... okay then i’ll be going first” 

donghae tries to wake up hyukjae but still didnt get a respon. 

“Hyukjae-ya lets go home”

“ehmmm i want to sleep here”

“but it closes soon. you must go home. let me take you home eung?”

then hyukjae wakes up and see donghae  who’s ready to pick him up

“oh it’s lee donghae!” 

“yep it’s me. lets go home okay?”

“the way i wanna kick your face but i didnt have the strength right now, i’ll just kick you tomorrow”

“pardon? what?” donghae flustered and shocked

“right? it’s on you bro lol” jtub said

“okay okay lets just go home” donghae took hyukjae in his shoulders and caught him by the waist. then they both go to hyukjae’s dorm with donghae’s car

hyukjae falls asleep in the car. and keeps talkin in his sleep a bit

“lee donghae you bastard”

donghae is surprised and turns his head to passenger’s seat. 

“The fuck?!” 

then hyukjae sleeps again

“why’s he like this and why me?”

they finally arrived at hyukjae’s dorm and kyuhyun didnt come home so it’s just the two of them there. donghae hardly brings hyukjae to his room in his druk state. 

“im glad that you’re this tiny,  i can bring you home easily”

then donghae puts hyukjae to the bed and takes off his jacket, socks, and shoes. he wipes hyukjae’s forehead too with wet towel too.. hyukjae wakes up suddenly.

“stop being so kind to me” he stops donghae’s hand from wiping his forehead

“huh? why? im your closest friend it’s my job to take care of you idiot”

“i can take care of myself well. just go” hyukjae turns his head to the left side and puts the blanket covering his whole body. 

“why do you like this?”

“its not ur business”

“hyukjae ya... tell me whats wrong”

“Us. we cant be like this”

“why? you’re my closest friend-”

“We’re not supposed to be like this donghae ya. we must not”

hyukjae wakes up and turns into donghae. 

“We.... cant be like this donghaeya... we cant be....” hyukjae starts to cry

“hyukjae... why cant we... “

“why are you crying.. dont cry...“ donghae said again while carressing hyukjae’s tears with his thumb

“ *sobs* we- cant- be- like this... we just cant.....” hyukjae is still sobbing while talking

“tell me why, what should i do to stop you from crying please dont cry it hurts seeing you cry like this” donghae said softly 

“you.” 

“me? why?”

hyukjae still crying and doesnt want to answer.. 

“hyukjae tell me... please.. i dont wanna see you cry...”

hyukjae then holds donghae’s hand in his cheeks...

he looked at donghae’s eyes with those falling tears.. 

“you deserved to hate me forever.” 

hyukjae leaned in to donghae’s face and pressed a soft kiss into his lips. 

hyukjae pulls out and donghae is flustered and confused...

“h-hyukjae w-why-”

“leave me right now”

“b-but you have to tell-”

“leave or our friendship ends. leave please”

“hyukjae-ya.... “

“PLEASE LEAVE. *sobs* please...”

then donghae gets up from the bed and leaves hyukjae alone...

that’s it. that’s the end. hyukjae’s first love comes to an end. that angel is finally gone.... 

hyukjae cries in his bed so hard... the worst feeling ever. he hates himself more than anyone else. but he must end it. he must end this stupid feeling. the overflowing feelings he had for his best friend for years. he will stop loving him no matter what. 

“Thankyou for making me feel loved although actually it’s just me who feel that way... im happy... thankyou...” then he’s still crying for so long in the middle of the night

meanwhile donghae is feeling so flustered and mad. he didnt know why he’s mad. the fact his best friend cried because of him.. hyukjae’s eyes that told him everything. hyukjae’s puppy eyes that only shines everytime suddenly covered by the rain. the hard rain that falls because of him. he never knew. he never realized.. he didnt want to believe it. but it’s just feel so real. his tears falls in his cheek when hyukjae kissed him... he never feels the saddest kiss ever... it hurts so much. he didnt knoe either why it hurts so much. it feels like hyukjae will leave him for real... he cant imagine how his life would be without hyukjae.. it will never be the same.. 

donghae still feels confused.... he didnt know what to do after this... or tomorrow, or days after this.... he just didnt know what to do... 

the next day, hyukjae is already in the airport waiting for boarding to Tokyo. his eyes are completely red becuase of crying that night before.  He decides to go there to heal and repair himself. he just needs time alone for a while. he didnt know when he will be back to work as super junior. he’s already takin care of all of these with the company, and the company said yes. it’s up to him when will he decide to come back.... 

“hyukjae-ya, already at the airport?”

“eung hyung, there’s still 15 minutes before boarding”

“okay then, take care hyukjae... and one thing what if he asked me where you go?”

“hm, dont tell him hyung, just say that i want to spend my time alone.”

“fine i’ll do that. eish that insensitive bastard haha i’ll kick his face for you someday”

“nah hyung just let him be it’s my fault anyway for loving him in the first place. it’s never been his fault”

“aigu my precious dongsaeng already grown up”

“eish hyung your precious dongsaeng here is 34 years old”

“youre still a big baby to me anyway..”

“thankyou hyung. i’ll call you often when im in tokyo”

“yes sir!” 

“oh its time for boarding, im off hyung, bye bye!!”

“okay take care hyukjae ya, have a proper meals okay?”

“of courseee goodbye hyung”

hyukjae finally ends his phone call with leeteuk and walks in to the plane. finally he made up his mind and try to heal himself first.. he’s afraid that this feeling disrupt his works with him. so he must repair himself more to become a better person.. 

meanwhile donghae who didnt know anything at all,,

he worked out like crazy... he’s already working out since morning. and it’s already evening. he worked out and worked out.. he did everything in the gym. he’s like a mad person right now. he didnt pick up the calls from everyone.. even his lover too.. 

the instructors there feels worried because it’s not usual for donghae to act like this. then the instructors try to call jtub, donghae’s friend who’s been at the same gym with him. 

actually jtub is very busy right now so he cant go there to save that idiot friend from overworking his body. then jtub called leeteuk because leeteuk already said to him if donghae acts weird, he’s free to call him. 

leeteuk comes to donghae’s usual gym rightaway after finishing his schedule. 

“eomma ya. it’s already 7pm. and he’s been working out since 7 am?!?”asks him to the one of the instructors

“yes sir. he’s been like this since morning. we’re too scared to disturb him because he seems not in his right mind”

leeteuk walks in slowly to donghae. 

“donghae ya”

donghae still wont listen he still in his threadmill

“lee donghae please come down.”

“come on donghae you never been like this, you never disobeyed my orders. come on donghae please stop this. you makes yourself sick”

donghae finally stops the threadmill and come down. 

he falls rightaway in the floor. 

“donghae-ya are you okay? hey? donghaeya?”

“hyung... it’s my fault...” after that, donghae lost his consciousness

Donghae wakes up in his house with leeteuk who waits for him.

“Oh are you okay? do you hurt yourself?”

“no-no im okay hyung..” 

“eish why did you work out like that? you know it can kill you. what if i didnt come? who will take care of you? oh my god this kid. how old are you huh? youre fuckin 34 please grow up” leeteuk keeps nagging while wipes donghae’s forehead 

“sorry hyung...” 

“promise me you wont do this again oh god”

donghae just nods... then he suddenly remembers something

“i need to meet hyukjae.. i need-”

“stop he wont meet you”

“even he doesnt want to, i keep going to meet him”

“what would you say then? ask him for an apologize for something you didnt realize?”

“hyung... so you knew..”

“of course. just stop it. you wont ever meet him right now. you just cant”

“no hyung i must-”

“he’s leaving. he’s not in south korea.”

“what..... are you serious?”

“yes”

“where did he go? i can go right now”

“no you cant, just let him alone donghae ya. okay? please listen to me, he’s hurting. you never knew how he feels. because you never feels it. what do you want to say to him? anything that you would say, it wont heal him. because it’s on you. you’re the source of his broken state. he will overcome this someday. just wait okay?”

“but.... it hurts so much.. i dont know it just hurts so much seeing him cry.. seeing him so weak like that night. i really want to embrace him but he keep pushing me off, he keeps crying and crying.... his trembling voice when he tried to talk to me hurts me so much... he’s never showing this side of him for these time being.. i just didnt know what to do... it hurts so much seeing him in that state, i want to see him so fuckin much... i just- ” then he cant say anymore.. he’s loss at speech... he’s crying... 

“hyung... why im late to realize this.... why..... he’s already left what should i do.... im fuckin stupid... im so fucking dumb......” 

donghae cries in leeteuk’s shoulder.. leeteuk cant say anything... he just pats donghae’s back softly.. “just wait for him okay.... he’ll be okay..”

donghae still cant figure out why he’s also breaking.... he just feels that his heart is shattered knowing these situations at once.. 

confused, flustered, and mad. he’s mad at himself... 

“how can i never realize  in these time being?” 

part 1 end 

[rogueshipagogo]

ppl have been asking me my opinions on space channel 5 vr... and i guess since i bought a vr headset off craigslist just so i could play it and speedrun it before work the day it came out... i should talk abt it now... i dont rly think i’ll be able to separate it into ‘good’ and ‘bad’ things i think i’m just going to do a rambly stream of consciousness bc i have a headache... but i DO have good things to say abt this game... so st.... sta stay t tune  d

right off the bat, the thing i appreciate most abt this game- i like that space channel 5 vr doesnt have cash grab vibes. i Do genuinely believe that they Wanted to make this game For the people who are still obsessed with it, and that they ultimately did what they set out to do when they intended to scale certain aspects of the series up conceptually to match the way the fandom perceives it nowadays. but like i’ve said before... i’m not going to Disagree with the very common conclusion that it Needed to be longer, or at Least more intricate plot-wise. one of my fun and fresh excuses for sc5vr being as short as it is is because you arent really supposed to be playing vr games for too long anyways, its really disorienting and kinda painful, but even that doesn’t account for why so much of the game that we got is a rehash of old settings, concepts, songs, and characters. [i dont even have a problem with reusing old songs, i just think the ones they chose ended up being misleading]

for example i think it makes sense that the first report is a remake of the first games first report on the surface, it’s meant to take you back to the way the first game felt and give you an idea of what it means that the games classic scenery can be rendered in actual high quality detail now [same with the recurrence of events like encountering the space pirates in the asteroid belt/the last battle against a villain being singing to it about what it’s done wrong], but i really thought, like, report 1 was going to end up being a simulated scenario for the benefit of lou and kee’s training... which i dont think ended up being the case??? i think they really did write ‘ok here you are in the first game’s setting again, fighting the old enemies again, because... :^) ok have fun playing report 2!’

and then whats report 2... you fight another old boss from the first game... but theres Still no clear villain or motivation for anything thats happening... and there wont be until like... basically the end of the game...

like, glitter is a really cute character, but its kind of underwhelming that shes just a random citizen who was kidnapped by an entity that we NEVER LEARN ANYTHING ABOUT... like part 1 was extremely notable for being about corporate greed and corruption, part 2 honestly wasnt that political in comparison but at least made you do a think wrt purge’s motivation and his methods, and this game just has a plot device that feels like it’ll do smth but then ends up not doing anything beyond what we already learned about it from the information on its character bio before the game was out. if it turns out that cell x is actually relevant again in a future entry in the franchise and they do have a more developed concept for what cell x Is in mind, i’ll do an entire backflip, but for now its just chalked up to being the result of More Space Hijinks that dont need to be explained

ESPECIALLY WITH ALL OF THE ALLUSIONS TO CELL X BEING AN ENTITY THAT FEEDS OFF OF DANCE ENERGY... it had me thinking that there would have to be some New Method of fighting it off that didn’t just lend it more power in the process, but nah apparently just tacking on the disclaimer ‘*this dance energy is not for glitter’ is enough to turn it from smth it can consume for power into big attacks you can use to kill it... like honestly it sounds like im asking for a lot from a game that has Never made too much sense, but considering that in part 2 they could add details like ‘oh didnt you know purge can open pocket dimensions? ulala is capable of manifesting tangible dance energy and the only other person who can do that is purge???’, its not like they havent come up with weird new shit for dance energy to do within the plot before. they just didnt do it in this game fsr

like did anyone else think that cell x/glitter was going to be the result of tossing purge out into deep space and him encountering the sc5 universe’s equivalent of an eldritch alien creature, smth more bestial than morolians?? even if purge wasnt part of it, when you say ‘uh oh, this guy Eats this society’s only source of energy!!!’ i expect the stakes to get HIGH, and i want the ramifications of it to be kinda STARTLING, because blank wanted money and purge wanted to ritualistically end the world but something this near to an ecological disaster that would force an entire paradigm shift hasn’t occurred yet in the series?? its totally new!!! there’s a lot they could do with this but OH DONT WORRY ABOUT IT EVERYONE ulala knows how to make dance energy kill cell x instead of feed it she’s got this we’re good no need to investigate more into all that

i can’t explain why the game is like this. and i dont expect grounding to address it in any meaningful way either. i’m sure they’re Aware of these complaints by now- the game reviewing community has Not been kind to sc5vr specifically due to all of these shortcomings [i didnt even touch on the issues with motion sensing and how many of the games mechanics were removed in favor of smth presumably easier to program yet much less satisfying, like Secret Moves just being mini quicktime events and Turning Your Ratings Into Stars just being replaced with the standard Three Strikes You’re Out method of scoring], but the pr team still seems very enthusiastic abt the game and is still promising dlc and potentially even more games in the series after this one- heres hoping that they’ll at least take these grievances to heart and consider making the experience not only more accessible [aka it will... go back to being a rhythm game with controller input.... and not... an exclusive vr experience...], but also as immersive and detailed as the old games, with less reused plot beats. i can let some of it off the hook in this game simply because i’m aware that it began its life as a tech demo that was only supposed to be that initial first report from the first game But Happening All Around You!, but i Really dont think they could get away with doing this little to expand upon the groundwork set by the first two games again. not with the way people remember part 2 being such a vast upgrade from part 1... the bar had been set so high that this just felt like a huge backslide into something even sillier and harder to take seriously than part 1 before we had any idea what kind of staying power the franchise would have as a hallmark of sega’s quirky antics. like... this game is what i think space channel 5 looks like to people who don’t understand the appeal of the first two games. and that scares me

but i guess for the most part, aside from wishing they had done more to revitalize the setting and the lore of the sc5 universe itself, im kind of glad it didnt do a lot to change the existing storylines the characters have kinda forged for themselves- here i was stressing out that they would pull out some plot development that would utterly and drastically change the way we talked abt the series for the rest of time, but so little happened and so little was added to the bank of sc5 lore that we can kind of all just carry on as usual and keep having the same headcanons we always had.

BUT!!! there ARE a lot of cute little details here and there that make the experience feel wholesome and like i said not an utter cashgrab- like so many of the character profiles referencing previous games [all of the references to npcs in this game being relatives of the npcs of the last games made me lose it] and how often ulala changes her expressions up and looks right at you and talks to you. the new music they wrote for the game also all slaps and everyones redesigns [if they got a redesign... rip pudding] are stunning

one of the most important things they did in this game was give a nice sort of Update to every character.... for example explaining that ulala isn’t a rookie reporter any more like she was in the first 2 games, that she’s moved up to being in charge of training new channel 5 reporters, and that while pudding is still somewhat stuck on her rivalry with ulala her career isn’t stagnant either, she was just cast in a romcom series as the lead... which is really nice considering how in the past she was portrayed as somewhat of a loser with almost no remaining fans left from her idol years

and you knew i was going to bring up jaguar at some point HES ALL OVER THIS GAME AND IT LITERALLY MADE ME FEEL LIKE MY LIFE WAS WORTH POWERING THROUGH THESE LAST FEW YEARS AND ALSO LIKE IM A GENIUS FOR SPENDING SO LONG POSTING EVERY SINGLE DAY ‘NO REALLY, HE’S THE SECONDARY PROTAGONIST OF THE STORY, ITS ABOUT CHANNEL 5 AS A COMPANY AND THEIR IMPACT ON EVERYONE WHO HAS EVER ENCOUNTERED THEM AND THAT INCLUDES JAGUAR AS WELL AS ULALA HES INTEGRAL TO THE PLOT BC SHE WOULDNT BE ALIVE IF IT WEREN’T FOR HIM’ i feel like it’s really incredible how in this game he has genuinely nice energy and doesnt withhold praise from ulala just to be helpful in a mysterious way later and he like HAS FRIENDS now. like consider how he went from disgraced former ch5 employee who got mad every time he saw them, to kidnapped robot henchman kinda humbled by the fact that now the turns tabled and ulala had to rescue Him, and now 3 years later his bio is all about how he has a new tv show thats super popular and he has a new entourage of ladies who he considers his '’’’’’comrades’’’’’’’ within the station he founded??? AND AFTER 20 YEARS THEY WERE FINALLY ABLE TO GIVE HIS MODEL JUICY ASS CHEEKS??????????????? NO MORE PANCAKE BOOTY???? THE BOY HAD A GLOWUP AND NO I WONT STOP TALKING ABOUT IT

WHEN I SAY MEOW MATCH THE POSE MOTHERFUCKERS THIS BLONDE BASTARD GETS TO BE IN CHARGE OF THE HUNDRED STAGE BATTLE NOW TOO THIS IS THE YEAR OF THE SPACE PIRATES BAYBEE

[iyliss]

Destinyship for the ship ask meme, as asked by @sleepy-space-nerd General:

Rate the Ship -   Awful | Ew | No pics pls | I’m not comfortable | Alright | I like it! | Got Pics? | Let’s do it! | Why is this not getting more attention?! | The OTP to rule all other OTPs

How long will they last? Forever, whatever their relationship is, it’ll always be an important part of their life.

How quickly did/will they fall in love? -It took Saiou 10 years to understand Edo was his friend, and he’ll probably never truely gets the subtleties of feelings (and whatever romantic ones are supposed to be). Anyway, his affection for Edo went through such complication it’s hard to tell exactly when it became love. As for Edo, he fell the moment Saiou smiled to him.

How was their first kiss? I have a hard time not seeing canon saiou as quite touch (and romo) repulsed, so it’d pretty much be an awkward try followed by the promise to never try ever again. But I do have some AU where it’s different and it has been many things , desperate, soft and hesitant, passionate... My fav one is in an angel/vampire au where saiou was disowned by heavens for protecting Edo, and he’s dying they have a last kiss which actually turns him into a fallen angel, so a physical being, so he can be saved.

Wedding:

Who proposed? - Edo

Who is the best man/men? - Judai

Who is the braid’s maid(s)? - Mizuchi

Who did the most planning? - Both I think? Edo got the money, and Saiou is a manager so he must know a bit about planning events.

Who stressed the most? - They immediately knew the risk of both of them stressing to death was too strong, so they took much disposition so it didnt happen (it still did)

How fancy was the ceremony? - Back of a pickup truck | 2 | 3 | 4 | Normal Church Wedding | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Kate and William wish they were this big. Since it’s supposed to be a happy time, they organized it for themselves and the people they both appreciate. which is something like 3 people including a cat. So yeah, it was pretty small.

Who was specifically not invited to the wedding? -Almost everyone? Edo did have some friend he could invite, but Saiou was scared of them.

Sex: (i cant really answer the questions cuz same as kiss, for me default canon saiou is too aspec for this and probably slightly disgusted. But i have other stories where it’s more or less different. Can range anywhere from both of them being very soft and awkward, to saiou being ace but still actively going for it. But i guess the common  point is always that Edo is the most hesitant, he’s scared Saiou would accept just to please him, and he has this kind of “pure” vision of him which made him feel a bit bad about his desires and all? but it’s also a big ass mess. And i dont like talking abt sex in public anyway.)

Children:

How many children will they have naturally? - none.

How many children will they adopt? - legally? not much since they can’t just adopt a whole orphanage. Actually? a WHOLE lot. (and also in one post canon story: aki)

Who gets stuck with the most diapers? -both

Who is the stricter parent? - Edo tries, someone has to do it

Who stops the kid(s) from doing dangerous stunts after school? - They *are* doing the stunts with them and it also let them make sure it’s safe.

Who remembers to pack the lunch(es)? - Saiou

Who is the more loved parent? - Per votes, Edo because he’s the one who comes the most to the orphanage. But the few who prefer Saiou do without any doubt.

Who is more likely to attend the PTA meetings? Saiou, Edo wishes but he’s away every single time.

Who cried the most at graduation? -Saiou but that’s not even special.

Who is more likely to bail the child(ren) out of trouble with the law? -Edo just needs to say his name and things are fine.

Cooking:

Who does the most cooking? - They both do, but Edo puts a little more effort in it.

Who is the most picky in their food choice? -As we know per tag force canon: Edo loves meat and rich kid food and hates veggie/poor people food. Saiou just like anything as long as it’s edible.

Who does the grocery shopping? - Edo tries.

How often do they bake desserts? - Not so often, they don’t have a very sweet tooth.

Are they more of a meat lover or a salad eater? -Edo loves meat. Saiou kind of want to go on the vegan side of things but so his health hasnt permitted it.

Who is more likely to surprise the other(s) with an anniversary dinner? - They both try, but always guess it too easily.

Who is more likely to suggest going out? -Edo

Who is more likely to burn the house down accidently while cooking? -They both almost did when they were kid.

Chores:

Who cleans the room? - Saiou

Who is really against chores? - Saiou don’t really like some due to sensory issues

Who cleans up after the pets? - Both

Who is more likely to sweep everything under the rug? - none

Who stresses the most when guests are coming over? - Saiou for the simple reason that people

Who found a dollar between the couch cushions while cleaning? - Saiou?

Misc:

Who takes the longer showers/baths? - Saiou because: hair

Who takes the dog out for a walk? - they don’t have dogs.

How often do they decorate the room/house for the holidays? - Often, they’re both quite creative and Edo loved making his own decoration as a kid.

What are their goals for the relationship? - Making sure the other is happy and safe

Who is most likely to sleep till noon? - If you don’t wake up saiou and he feels safe, he will use everysingle moment of actual sleep he can get. One of his habit from childhood that never left.

Who plays the most pranks? - Edo sometimes do, and its mostly stupidly cute things like hiding a very cute note somewhere.

[pikeclaw]

001 risingdawn/duskfang or 002 for just duskfang?

will do!! 002!!

002 | give me a character and i will tell you…how i feel about this character

dude i LOVE duskfang!! i am mel’s hugest stan so it’s impossible for me not to but even outside of that she’s a wonderfully written and incredibly compelling character!! its fascinating to see how much she’s changed in all this time in fogclan, for better and for worse... her emotions and thoughts are also so cool to read, and i enjoy seeing her everytime she’s in roleplay

all the characters i ship romantically with this character

[flips through almost all of the young adults in fogclan] hm

no but for real, uhh... first of all, risingdawn, of course. but i’ll go into why exactly in a little later section-- 

pumpkinpelt!! i think that when they were friends, before the uhh.... leechclaw thing... that they were really cute and good for each other!! pumpkinpelt’s kind and excitable nature was a sweet contrast to duskfang’s more reserved one. i think he could help her grow and bring her out of her shell, but i don’t think he would push her too hard and make her uncomfortable! throwback to when things were cool... and i think that duskfang could offer a more mature and world wise perspective to pumpkinpelt’s world, and help him to grow into a more mature guy as well!! though i don’t think she’d want him to tamp down on his excitement, of course. i think they could grow a lot together!

i’ll go in depth with just these two BUT i must say that i think that duskfang is a really charismatic sort of character who has a sort of ~~~mystery~~~, with an underlying kindness and sincerity that a lot of characters would be drawn to! and her Shit with palestar could be relatable to a lot of other characters, who also have Shit with palestar, founding a common ground where a relationship could begin to grow..... i think she could end up with a lot of people in her age group depending on if and how they’re roleplayed together!

 duskfang, a pretty and very cool girl: [shows up] hey

 all of fogclan youth at once: oh on god????

non-romantic otp for this character

being basic and saying what everyone else is saying, which is Duskfang and Foxflame. because everyone is! right! Foxflame shows her an immense amount of no holds barred care that i don’t think she’s ever known before. it seems really unfamiliar to her to have someone care about her without her thinking that she’s expected to pay them back for their compassion or mercy somehow.... he’s just a dad! and she needs a dad. i like seeing them together i like seeing duskfang being taken care of thank u 

my unpopular opinion about this character

i wouldnt have expected this to be an unpopular opinion but it seems like it is?? but... i like risingdawn and duskfang together! as a couple, romantically, 

I think that a lot of people think that it would be nice for them to be able to grow beyond their pasts with each other by finding other people... and i agree that they should grow beyond their pasts, but i dont think they have to leave each other to do it!! bc. like. rising and dusk understand each other like no one else can. they’re both trying to cope with the same events, though from different perspectives... i think we’ve seen time and time again in rp that they don’t like, serve as reminders of the bad things in their pasts for each other. they both offer a sort of anchor to reality and safe place to each other. i think its kind of seen that duskfang was purposely used as a tool by risingdawn, but i dont think that at all! it just looks like they were both raised in someplace awful, and that they were shoved into roles that they didn’t even want and are left after the fact (after they escaped in such a horrible and traumatizing fashion, another pain they went through together) trying to break that unhealthy dynamic and create a relationship where they’re on equal ground with one another... and i think they’re doing it!! slowly but surely, we’re seeing that they’re growing apart from who they were before, into something, someones entirely new, and they didn’t have to leave each other to do it!! in fact, they helped each other to do it! yknow??

in conclusion. i think they are neat! ....cries abt them....

one thing i wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon

wish dippernose could talk to duskfang without dipper acting like a fucking ASSH-- /s

no but what i really want for duskfang... is recovery!! i want palestar OUT of her fuckin head, i want her to be able to see what she’s really worth and love and be loved by people who really adore her unconditionally. i want her to grow!! and she’s already on her way 

now if we could just get palestar out of the friggin picture--

my otp/a headcanon

ok technically this is a question from 001, but as for whos big spoon and little spoon for risingdusk, i think they switch! like naturally you’d assume that duskfang would be the big spoon bc she Big and rising Little, and i think they do sleep like that sometimes... but i also think that risingdawn would enjoy feeling big and protective in the way that being big spoon allows you to feel, and that duskfang deserves to be held. so they switch every other night. thank u. [bows] 

[boojersey]

VIC DO ALL THE ASKS BC I LOVE U AND WANT U TO HAVE FUN

*SWEATS* AYE AYE CAPN

cw for like some common lgbt+ topics such as dysphoria violence discrimination etc just. tread carefully if u get triggered easily by bad lgbt experiences

What do you identify as and what are your pronouns? -im a gay trans man and my pronouns are he/him but they/them is also acceptable!

How did you discover your sexuality, tell your story?-oh wow i originally thought i was a lesbian because i didnt even know what transgender was i just thought wishing i was a man meant i was butch and then i met my friend donnie in eighth grade who told me he was trans and it was kinda a huge slap in the face but with a sack of gay bricks? and i found out i dont like women through actually having sex with cis women and finally realizing it. really wasnt for me so now im just a gay man as opposed to queer as an umbrella term but i periodically refer to myself as such

Have you experienced being misgendered? What happened and how did you overcome it?-oh yea i literally was misgendered today i just kinda brush it off but it can be hard sometimes especially when people know im trans and do it

Who was the first person you told, how did they react?-i first told donnie about my gender, it was a thing where i went to bed the night i met him and was like  .. wait holy fuck and then the next day i was like BRO HOLY FUCK but sexuality? i dont really know???? it was so long ago it was honestly probably my group of friends on kik that i had in 2013 (u were included in that mister!!!!)

Describe what it was like coming out, what did you feel?-im not actually fully out but the first time someone who was an adult knew about my trans-ness was what really set in for me the fact that i could come out one day; my friends mom referred to me as seance (and like. obviously she respected my gender she has a trans kid) but it was just super jarring bc no adult had known yet abt my identity in any way and as a result i was rlly glad it was nighttime in that car bc i cried almost immediately; the first time i came out on my Own was to my cousin and he laughed in my face so that was pretty damn awful and its kinda funny cuz the bastard is bi so u would think hed have been accepting but n0pe!

If you’re out, how did your parents/guardians/friends react?-im out to my friends now ! and the reception was generally positive bc i think i do an ok job at picking ppl to be around in terms of morals so there was little bad reception

What is one question you hate people asking about your sexuality?-i hate when ppl ask if im gay as in for men or gay as in for women because im trans, i am a man so when i say im gay i feel like that should be easy enough to put 2 and 2 together but when they ask that i feel as if they still view me as a woman

Describe the style of clothing that you most often wear.-emo of the gods themselves it is absolute scene and emo vomit and i love it; its seriously hard for me to wear dresses and skirts without dysphoria and just general discomfort but i own a couple anyway bc theyre cute i just. never wear them

Who are your favourite lgbt+ ships?-my main thing at the moment is gerard/frank/grant morrison bc i love poly fics very dearly and gerard/bert because bert mccracken deserved better than gerawrds internalized homophobia lol

What does makeup mean to you? Do you wear any?-makeup to me is an androgynous thing so i wear eyeshadow a lot and lipstick sometimes, eyeshadow is easier on my eyes than eyeliner bc im allergic to a lot of makeup thats on the heavier side so if i put on eyeliner my eyes will water and burn throughout the day but with eyeshadow im mostly ok; other opinion is that makeup on Anyone can be sexy as hell if they do it for fun and wear literally what they truly want and not just what they think is accepted or what they Should wear

Do you experience dysphoria? If so, how does that affect you?-oh yeah my dysphoria is pretty debilitating if im gonna be honest; i used to have very little problems with it because my hold on reality was loose at best (before i was medicated to clarify) but now that i am almost completely Here my dysphoria is pretty bad and even just like. the knowledge that i have breasts is pretty awful; a few weeks ago i put on an outfit that i have to wear a victorias secret bra to fit properly in and just one look in the mirror had me sobbing and i had to change my clothes before i could leave the house and i havent worn a bra since because just the thought of showing off my chest makes this stark fuckin dread shoot through my veins but i also have dysphoria in regards to my voice that i discussed at my last trans therapy group meeting actually ; my voice has a tendency to bounce around my octave range so sometimes ill be like. excited then hear what i sound like. and ruin it for myself immediately u kno? im not even gonna talk about my dicksphoria bc thats just. awful. 

What is the stupidest thing you’ve heard said about the lgbt+ community?-ohhhhhhhh my god u know what? ive heard..so much .. that im gonna instead take this opportunity to mention my mother genuinely thinks dnd is satanic

What’s your favourite thing about the lgbt+ community?-the fact that were so strong. we are so fucking strong we deal with violence and opposition constantly and at staggering rates yet we stay strong and we continue loving through all of it, whether its in dark corners in secret or loudly in the streets we continue loving and do so with all of our beings because we know its our own truth and well gladly go to hell if it means we got to love on earth (not that everyone believes in hell or the idea that us gays go to hell but my point stands)

What’s your least favourite thing about the lgbt+ community?-we have this audacity to create divide (to the fault of mostly cis white gay men thank u very much) when what we need to do is love each other because we are different but at the end of the day we all need to remain in tandem and as a family or we will never get to where we need to in terms of acceptance and that means being uplifting and protecting our trans sisters of color, our disabled lgbt members, our autistic lgbt members, our anything past cis white gay man because we all need recognition, we all need love, and to exclude any letters of lgbt is to tear ourselves down and set ourselves on fire

Have you ever been to your cities pride event? Why or why not?-no :((( no one would drive me in the past and i dont think ill have a way to get there this year either

Who is your favourite lgbt+ Icon/Advocate/Celebrity?-brian molko! my bisexual, androgynistically-inclined father who birthed me at the tender age of 16 when i found placebo

Have you been in a relationship and how did you meet?-ya theres been a few and i dont rlly like to talk abt my relationships with anyone unless theyre online relationships so im just gonna leave it at that

What is your favourite lgbt+ book?-pantomime by laura lam! its one of if not my favorite book to this day

Have you ever faced discrimination? What happened?-y a every damn day bitch ! example is when i was deadnamed by my psychiatrist while she knows full well what my name is the other day; another is the countless times i get called a lesbian ???? and when strict lesbians ask me out i get a very bad taste in my mouth (i understand full well that sexuality is fluid, these are lesbians that spit the ‘penis is gross blegh’ rhetoric)

Your Favorite lgbt+ movie or show?-uh im just gonna say preacher bc its my favorite show altogether n cass is bi/pan/something similar

Who are some of your favourite lgbt+ bloggers?-@ble3dmagic is my boyfriend in crime (not rlly thats a joke) and @musicalsense​ is my sunburnt Brother

Which lgbt+ slur do you want to reclaim?-queer! i also use f*ggot a lot when talking about myself and my friends that are ok with it

Have you ever gone to a gay bar, or a drag show, how was it?-i went to a drag show and it was so amazing and one of the first times i felt accepted in my own community that i cried

How do you self-identify your gender, and what does that mean to you?-well i identify as a man with no leaning towards womanhood or nonbinaryhood in any way, its just . man . but in terms of Expression i am quite androgynous bc i can rlly appreciate femininity (NOT the same as womanhood) and being a man to me means just that ive always wanted to grow up with that “gender role” like i always wish i was raised as a stereotypical parent would raise a son and ive always been more interested in stereotypically masculine things and people since i can even remember and i feel like puberty was just this unpreventable spiral into something i didnt want. i didnt want it at all . this is tmi but when i got my first period i cried my eyes out bc the idea of being called a Woman repulsed me so much and since i didnt even know that being trans was a concept i was just this scared puppy full of confusion and fear aimed at myself because all the stuff i heard i was supposed to be proud of the change but i wasnt i was so ashamed of it and the idea of being called a woman made me sick to my stomach and i just wish i could go back in time and hold myself and tell me itll be alright 

Are you interested in having children? Why or why not?-absoLutely not i hate kids (and by that i mean i hate being around them and the culture that surrounds having children; i do not treat kids like shit and i do not act like hating children is a personality trait; i get migraines and usually the second a child starts screaming or crying i am on the floor of my brain writhing in dire pain and i have absolutely no desire to support another human life when frankly i cant even support myself; its also just not a lifestyle i want to live)

What identity advice would you give your younger self?-god so fucking much. so fucking much. so many things i wish i could say to myself

What do you think of gender roles in relationships?-i think if someone wants to adhere to them then hell yea go ahead just dont expect others to do it or try to tell other people its a Norm or something; theyre for the most part christian in nature so i dont have any desire to follow them myself, i want a relationship (if any) thats more of a coexistence if that makes sense, like. roommates plus dick

Anything else you want to share about your experience with gender?-i always used to anxiously chew on the idea that my chest dysphoria is just me holding disdain for the shape and size of my breasts but let me tell you. the second i put on my binder for the first time i immediately started crying because i was so overwhelmed by the fact that i was looking at something one step closer to myself and i know full well i am never going to have that doubt again. this week has been exponentially cathartic and therapeutic for me

What is something you wish people know about being lgbt+?-i want the cisheteros to know that nothing they learn about us is new. everything about us has been around for so so long but has been silenced and erased to the point where a lot of us dont even know many things about our rich and beautiful history

Why are proud to be lgbt+?-honestly? its hard for me to not just straight up say im not proud of my identity. its taken me years to stamp down the plain grieving toward my identity and wishing i could have the easier path but frankly? the fact that i am choosing this path of hardship and hell on earth just to be who i truly am i think speaks volumes of my pride in my identity at this point; further back in my archive by a few years my posts are littered with sentiments of bitterness wherein i stated that i hate being trans and not just cis but i like to think ive finished hating myself for my identity. i like to think im proud now. to ask me why is to ask too much of me, all i know now is that i am proud and thats enough for me right now.

[lovexdejun]

🖤NCT Boyfriend Series🖤 - [🌻] Lucas >>a little nsfw •a deadass meme
•met him through a friend when you all went out bowling or something
•he came off as a bit of a heartbreaker but you couldn’t help being drawn to him
•because despite his flirtatious attitude, he’s super funny and easy to talk to 
•yukhei isn’t as much of a player as you expected
•he’s really sweet and easily flustered, and he isn’t afraid of embarrassing himself 
•like he’ll so something that would have you mortified, but he’d just laugh it off
•oh and speaking of, the first time you hear his laugh
•you’re pretty sure your eardrums bursted 
•after you recover though, you’re folded in half from laughing so hard 
•i can picture him just staring at you with the biggest smile plastered across his face because hE DID THAT
•you’re not the best bowler, so when you’re trying to refrain from throwing the ball into the gutter, lucas shoots his shot w you
•he’ll sneak up behind you and press himself as close as he can without looking like too big of a pervert
•his voice is so deep and soft when he speaks sooooo close to your ear 
•instead of recoiling from him, you find yourself relaxing into his body as he runs his hand down your arm to fix your form 
•when you end up making a strike, you’ll run to him, throw your arms around him
•he’ll end up giving you a ride home that night bc you didn’t want to stop hanging out when the bowling alley closed
•somehow, you guys end up at a diner until 3am, just talking about nothing and everything alike 
•you find out you enjoy the way he chews his lips when he’s thinking 
•he’s weak for the way you throw your whole body back against the booth when you laugh super hard 
•you guys will end up hanging our more often outside of the group and eventually people will regret introducing you two lol
•bc you’re always too busy making plans with each other than them 
•your relationship is mostly platonic until he inevitably confesses 
•you’ll be playing video games at his house, sitting on his bed with his legs wrapped around your waist from behind
•and he’ll just stroke your hair and run his fingers down your back 
•”i like you… like really like you”
•when you turn around to look at him, he’ll just kiss you 
•it’ll be so soft and hesitant but once he feels you kissing him back, it’ll become desperate almost
•tbh the both of you have been holding back for sooooo looooong
•lucas is one of those boys who looks like they’d be a dom but he’s actually a softy who’ll melt at your touch 
•i can see it being a pretty switch relationship when it comes to the bedroom, but he would rather you take charge
•LOVES getting his hair pulled 
•there’d be a lot of hot, opened mouth kisses
•a lot of moaning and heavy breathing 
•his hand would slowly find its way to your throat every time you had sex/made out
•the most common position would be you riding him while he’s sitting up 
•bc he likes your bare chests touching
•also makes it easy to kiss you
•he reeeeeeally likes kissing you 
•since he’s 6001ft tall, he enjoys draping his arms over your shoulders and leaning down to kiss you 
•cuddles would consist of his head in your lap while you play with his hair
•or you laying on top of him, head on his chest, while he runs his fingers up and down your spine 
•dirty jokes
•always flirting with you 
•flirts with elderly ladies and they just adore him 
•your grandma is probably more in love with him than you are
•he’s actually very humble 
•surprises you with gifts a lot
•even if they’re small or handmade 
•he pays attention to the little things, so he knows things about you that you didn’t even know
•you’re definitely the adult in the relationship 
•he can be mature when he has to be, but on a normal day he’s just an extremely large child
•like, he’s the best with kids because he is one 
•sometimes this would cause fights tho, because sometimes you just need for him to act like an adult for once 
•will speak in different languages out of the blue
•lol but no seriously, can we talk about how some of the members will tease lucas for not being that great at korean or even chinese, but this boy is actually so smart… like he RAPS in full, near perfect english, randomly throws english words out there which means he probably doesn’t just practice those lines to get them right for recording, he actually LEARNS these words and knows what they mean. tbh he may speak in broken sentences, but it shows that he’s learning for us. as far as i know, this boy speaks fluent chinese, a little bit of thai, and is trying his fuckin hardest to learn korean and english as fluently as he can. plus he’s one of the most powerful dancers i’ve ever seen, so if that doesn’t scream dedication idk what does
•okay srry abt that lolll
•anyways, yukhei would be 100% loyal as fuck
•he may radiate casanova, but he would never even look at another girl/boy that wasn’t you
•a very open minded and accepting individual 
•dead set on making everyone around him laugh
•will brag about you to everyone who will listen because he’s so head-over-heels for you
•usually the last one to wake up, and usually you have to rip the covers off him/shake him/jump on him
•notorious for just pulling you into the bed with him and wrapping himself around you so you can’t get up and bother him again
•not that you mind
•he’s big and warm and you like the rise and fall of his chest against your back
•he has the BEST morning voice
•like it’s so deep and raspy and ugh
•waking up to him every morning would be the highlight of your day 
•bitch it would be the highlight of yukhei’s life 
•he believes with every ounce of his being that you’re his soulmate 
•would literally be the poster child for ‘get you someone who looks at you the way he looks at her/him”
•a relationship with lucas would be spontaneous and happy. he’d always keep you laughing and interested so you’d never get tired of him
•i’d classify him with opposites attract, soft, lazy, and power couple >>yukhei is a whole boyfriend and if you couldnt tell he’s one of my ultimate biases in nct like protect this boy at all cost bc he’s precious A/N: this was requested and i thought it was funny because i was actually doing yukhei next anyway lol i hope you guys enjoy this and i’m sorry that it’s a little all over the place:)) nct | requests are always open!!

[println-archive]

warning for tumblr user epiphanct

disclaimer: most of what happened between us was on now deleted quotev/quizazz accounts and my old blog that i deactivated after getting stalked by someone irl. all the screenshots i can give are from our email conversations, but i can get some testimonies from people who knew her about how she treated me in public and what i told them at the time it all went down. 

(@stillwritinghaikus & @sadcryptid knew me and eli most of the time, but @gafou was there towards the end and can say what they were like the few times we all hung out also only contact these ppl off anon, they don’t all want to be involved too publicly but agreed to be included as character witnesses to who eli is-- there are other people but i don’t have ways to contact a lot of them because we fell out of touch over the years)

anyone who has followed me for long or knows me knows i still deal with panic attacks, issues in relationships, issues with self worth, and nightmares because of a bad ex-girlfriend.

me and eli (i think that’s what they’re going by now and i believe they use they/she pronouns now) were best friends and on-again off-again since 2013 up until some time in 2017. consistently from 2014 until 2016 (i tried to detach from them in late 2016 so we talked significantly less and i would ignore them when they got angry or anything), they emotionally abused me. 

tw for incest, daddy kink, and emotional abuse under the cut-- don’t harass her about the things regarding incest or daddy kink because most of that is from when they were 13-15, i’m only including it because its a testament to what type of person they are and something that is available in our email chains to prove. i was complicit in a lot of the incest rp/kink but at no point was i legit into it, i just never called them out on it and i went with it

we met when they were 12 almost 13 and i was 13 (i think) on our first accounts on quizazz (now quotev), a quiz and story-making website, because they spoiled fred dying for me in a post about harry potter. 

from then we started talking and eventually became best friends. things were mostly normal and healthy overall for the first year until i got into my first relationship w/ someone. they started to get possessive of my time and over me but i thought it was normal and it pretty much was especially when i found out why-- they confessed to having a crush on me. i got permission from my S.O. at the time to be poly and date both of them but eventually i dumped my S.O. for eli alone. it was around when we became exclusive (when they were 13 and i was 14) that things went from normal messy teenager dating to controlling my entire life

they would get angry when i went to sleep, saying that i had to stay up for them or giving me the silent treatment the next morning if i went to sleep when they didn’t want me to. they didn’t limit asking me to stay up to when they were unstable either, most of the time their reason was that they wanted to rp. they would snap and withhold affection from me if i went to sleep on accident or my mom took my laptop away so i would go to sleep. at some point it reached the point that i was missing days of classes in a row because i was sleep deprived and throwing up in the mornings from stress and lack of sleep. i told them this and they still didn’t stop.

they would also control what i posted on my blog or what i had my layout look like on quotev, because if they didn’t like what it was they would claim we had nothing in common and should break up or they should unfollow me or they should block me. most notably, when i made a sideblog for taylor swift posts at some point i started spending most of my time on that blog because taylor swift was a hyperfocus at the time. i switched that blog to my mainly active one and made it a multifandom with a focus on taylor swift, and they got mad at me for posting so much taylor swift. to placate her, i changed it so i only posted taylor swift in my queue and then, finally, i just ran a multifandom blog and avoided reblogging anything about taylor swift more than two or three times a week. i need to emphasize here: i never tried to make eli talk to me about taylor swift after they made it clear they didn’t like them, i didn’t talk to them about it and i didn’t require that they interact with my posts or anything. they just didn’t want me to post about my interest. this also happened with pokemon and homestuck, but to a lesser extent-- the fight was over once i changed my layout from having art for them, i was still allowed to post some.

we broke up sometime in late 2014 for good, but they still made all of my decisions. they were possessive and called me theirs, they didn’t like it when i liked girls who weren’t them, and only let me show affection for them. i was allowed on relationship other than eli, and only because they approved of her and set me up with her. in the end, we broke up because, with eli’s manipulation and forced dependence on them, i was still in love with them. then, within the month of breaking up with this girl, eli switched the script completely and would randomly go through bouts of anger where they would give me the silent treatment and vague about me for still having feelings for them.

they also made it very clear that they got to pick who i could and could not be friends with. most notably with my then best friend dani (@sadcryptid, dont message them publicly abt this). when they found out i was talking to dani in any capacity-- whether i mentioned her or posted something about her-- they would give me the silent treatment or yell at me about it extensively. this went on for YEARS (two? i think) until i ended up dropping dani for entirely unrelated reasons (we’re cool now). when, briefly after, i made friends with a girl who went by luna (who sexually harassed me so eli ended up being right but they didn’t know about that at the time), they lost their shit guilt tripping me into dropping luna too because they wanted to be my only close friend. another time my friend irl confessed to having a crush on me and eli made me talk to her less and said i was theirs

they also briefly shipped reylo and wincest, i have no idea if they still do but i know they did as long as i knew them, and shipped nico from percy jackson (a canon gay character) with their girl oc. (they had a whole breakdown when nico was confirmed gay, saying it ruined the books for them)

they also would give me the silent treatment whenever something good happened in my life-- when i got tickets for the nebraska comic con, or got to see taylor swift, they would give me the silent treatment or yell at me

they had an incest kink to the point of making up ocs to be their twin and older sister, only agreeing to human aus for michael/lucifer from spn if they were related in them (until they changed their mind to getting angry at me for suggesting them), and had a literal daddy kink-- not just into calling their partner daddy but to the point where they would propose rps where their self insert was the literal child of michael and they would have sex. 

they also liked professor/student plots, especially in harry potter with professor snape and their self inserts.

so here are the screenshots now, for your ref in the screenshots, they’ve gone by “mya”, “lottie/charlotte”, “wren”, and “matt”. they also have an oc other than the fake siblings that come up a few times named “juliet” and one named “holly” and one named “casey”. i know that the screenshots don’t have proof of everything i’ve outlined, like i said above most of it happened on accounts that have since been deleted or deactivated so i only have what i could find in my gmail.

i’ll add more screenshots as i find them

[positive-lesbian-vibes]

Is it possible to experience comp het if you're bi/pan? *Genuine question not meant to offend anyone*

so, ive seen a lot of debate from a lot of people about whether comp het is exclusively a lesbian thing, a wlw/sapphic thing, or something that *everybody* experiences (even straight men) and to be entirely honest i really dont think im qualified to answer that question

what i can say is this: everybody experiences societal conditioning to be straight (yes, even straight men) but it affects people of varying groups in varying ways and to varying degrees. the way a lesbian experiences conditioned heterosexuality is going to be much different than the way a straight man does, because although heteronormativity ultimately hurts everyone, straight men are not nearly as damaged by it as lesbians

i dont feel comfortable making a statement on who does or doesnt experience compulsory heterosexuality or who can talk about it. i can say that the societal conditioning that bi/pan women and lesbians face to be attracted to men is very similar, we are both taught that our attraction to women “isnt real,” that our attraction to men IS real, that we can only find fulfillment in relationships with men. the fact is that those things are not true.

lesbians are conditioned to believe that they are attracted to men, that “all women feel this way,” and that relationships with men are mandatory to unlock true happiness.

bi/pan women are conditioned to believe that their attraction to men is the only real attraction they feel, that if they are attracted to men they cannot also be attracted to women, and that relationships with women will never offer them what a relationship with a man could

and both groups of women are taught to repress their attraction to women, to prioritize men, and to feel incredibly guilty about their feelings towards other women. 

i can (and have) spoken to my experience as a lesbian with compulsory heterosexuality, and while i cannot speak about bi women’s experiences with heteronormativity, i can say this: to assume that all bi women have uncomplicated relationships with their attraction to men is ignorant. there are bi women who have been traumatized by men and refuse to date them, there are bi women who strongly prefer women, there are bi women who hate men (wlw hating men solidarity!), there are bi women who feel that their relationships with men could never offer them the same level of fulfillment as a relationship with a woman, there are bi women who want nothing to do with men, and there are bi women who do not want to be attracted to men. all of these women are still bi.  all of these women have experienced some form of physical or social violence based on their inability to properly perform heterosexuality and have been conditioned against it in a way similar to lesbians.bi women are absolutely allowed to have complicated and complex relationships with their attraction to men. bi women are conditioned to believe that they must “pick a side” (but it better be the right side!) and repeated coerced into believing that their attraction to men cannot be accompanied by attraction to women, that their attraction to men is superior and more complete, that their attraction to women cannot offer them what men can.

and this post doesnt even TOUCH on how trans women in particular are affected, something I’m also very unqualified to speak about. trans women are often required to jump through all kinds of hoops to be considered women, if they are at all, and almost all of them presume said woman is heterosexual and requires her to perform heterosexuality to be granted rights. i wouldnt hesitate to bet all i have on the fact that trans wlw, whether lesbian or bi/pan, face stricter standards and more rigorous heterosexual conditioning than their cis counterparts.

i think that pointing out differences in bi/pan women’s experiences and lesbians’ experiences are incredibly important, but i think its easy to forget exactly how much we have in common when we bicker amongst ourselves. it’s easy to point fingers and to be petty, but at the end of the day, we are all each other has. it would be beyond ridiculous to think that by alienating each other, that either of us could somehow fight our way out of our oppression by sacrificing the other. are any of us really so ignorant to believe that straight girls would ever have our backs?

anyway this post definitely went on a million tangents but i can explain why i promise TL;DR: i dont really care whether comp het is a term that is only for lesbians or for all wlw or for everyone. i definitely dont think my opinion on that matters at all lol. and while i cannot stress enough that we do need to talk abt lesbians-specific issues and bi-specific issues and how we can aid each other in those battles, i think we all like to forget about exactly how much we have in common and why on earth we allied ourselves together in the first place

[sillyfleur]

clara and hanniel for 18 and 20 because i love them so much

one month later, i finally finished! i never forgot abt you im just bad at doing things in a timely manner. ty for the request, ily!

18. Things you said when you were scared

The thing about traveling across a demon-infested desert with a target on your back is that you run across a lot of, you know, demons. Many of them were corrupted versions of otherwise harmless animals, like the hound that almost killed Clara when she and Hanniel first met. They were low level, so the angel always made quick work of them.

This one was a bit different.

A scorpion three times Hanniel’s size sprung up from the earth not far from where they’d just broken down camp. It was a mottled black and brown, with heavy claws and a wicked-looking stinger. It swung at Hanniel, who met the attack with their sword, barely denting its skin. Hanniel brought their sword down, attempting to cut the appendage off but getting scooped up by the other claw. The scorpion began to tighten its grip and the angel cried out.

Jon grabbed Clara by the waist to keep her from running towards them.

“You can’t help them,” he said. “You’ll end up dead.”

Clara tried to pry him off but Lucas was stronger than her. “We have to do something, we can’t- I couldn’t stand it if they-”

A loud boom caught both their attentions. Through her tears, Clara saw Hanniel, splashed in black blood, lying in the sand. The angel’s hands were glowing, and the scorpion’s claw was gone, a mangled mess. The scorpion made a screeching noise, quickly crawling towards Clara and Jon, who simultaneously cursed.

Wailing, the demon reared back, readying its stinger. Clara shrieked. She and Jon dove in different directions as the tail came down.

But it never did.

Clara opened her eyes, and Hanniel had grabbed onto the stinger, their hands slowly losing that glow. The angel pulled, throwing the scorpion a good distance away, the end of its tail coming off in their hands.

“Holy shit,” Jon said, mouth agape. Hanniel ignored him, walking towards the scorpion, picking up their sword on the way.

The demon had landed on its back, rocking side to side, trying to flip over. It shrieked as the angel came near, rocking faster. Hanniel didn’t waste any time in the killing blow, stabbing the thing in the head. And the desert was quiet.

The angel sheathed the sword, walking back to the prophets, where Jon was losing his mind over how cool that was, and Clara’s hands were still shaking.

“Hanniel,” Jon started, “has anyone ever told you you’re a badass?”

They gave him a blank look, opening their mouth to say something and suddenly falling to their knees. The prophets ran towards them, Clara getting on her knees to grab Hanniel’s shoulders. The sticky black blood burned her hands, but Clara didn’t care. Hanniel’s eyes wouldn’t open.

“No,” she said. “Hanniel wake up, you can’t let a shitty scorpion kill you. Jon, help me, maybe- maybe it’s the blood. Do you have a towel?”

Jon threw down his bag and started rummaging through it, and Clara cradled Hanniel in her arms.

“Please, please don’t go. We can’t make it without you.” The prophet looked up, briefly thinking of praying before glancing at Jon. He’d found a piece of cloth and doused it with water, kneeling down to clean Hanniels skin and armor.

“How do you even give first aid to an angel?” He asked.

“I-I don’t know, you think I’ve ever tried? This is so shitty, I’ve never really had anyone to care about like this and now a giant ass scorpion might have killed them, I hate this. I hate this desert.”

“God,” Jon said, sitting back and running his hands over his head. “I know- wait. Someone you-”

Hanniel coughed, turning away from Clara before going into a coughing fit, black blood leaving their mouth. Where their hands touched the sand it turned into glass, the glow emanating from their palms again.

“Are you okay?” Clara asked, scared to touch them. Hanniel wiped their mouth, giving the prophet a strange look before nodding.

“Fine… I’m fine.” They said, voice thick. Hanniel started to cough.

Lucas fished out a canteen of water, and the angel took it graciously, flushing out their mouth before taking a drink. Jon went to put stuff back in his bag, saying “Clara help me out.”

She did, handing him crumpled clothes and other random bits.

“So are we… going to talk about that?” he started, and Clara shook her head.

“There’s nothing to talk about, I was just… scared.”

“Yeah, but that doesn’t make it any less true.”

Clara looked at the angel, whose eyes were closed again, breathing deeply. Their armor was still smudged with blood.

“Can we drop it? I’m not pouring out my angst to you.”

“Alright, but just know if there was an angel I liked, I’d tell you about it.”

“Oh shut up.”

20. Things you said that I wasn’t meant to hear

They found a small, abandoned chapel a bit before dawn. It was the only building they’d seen with some semblance of a roof, so they all decided it’d be the best place to rest during the day. Jon and Clara made a couple of cots in front of what was left of the pews, and Hanniel went to stand at the altar. They ran their fingers along the pulpit, wiping away the dust.

Jon gave an exaggerated yawn, curling up the floor. “I don’t know about y’all, but I’m so sleepy.”

Clara yawned too, and Hanniel set their sword on one of the pews.

“Sleep,” they said. “I’ll be here.”

“You’re just going to sit down and watch us for eight hours?” Clara asked. She knew Hanniel didn’t need to sleep and thought this part of what was essentially babysitting the two prophets must be painfully boring.

“It’s my job,” they said with finality, indicating the end of the conversation. Sometimes the prophet didn’t know why she tried.

Jon was already snoring softly by the time she settled down to sleep, the sloth. Early morning rays began to shine through the gaps in the ceiling. It took a little while, but eventually, Clara managed to fall into a fitful rest.

There really wasn’t a lot to do when you were a Guardian whose main job was to protect two people, even during their sleep. Hanniel had made it through a lot of idle hours, but this was their first time having anyone to watch over since the Second War. It was a lot more stressful than they remembered, thanks to the demons that were bent on killing them.

Still, they liked this part of the job best. They didn’t have to talk to either of the prophets. Jon usually had some story to tell or an observation to mull over, and Clara… Clara made Hanniel flustered. She didn’t talk nearly as much as Jon, but she saw everything, and when she looked at the angel they felt that maybe she could see right through them, to parts of the angel that Hanniel had forgotten were there.

Maybe they had too much time to brood after all.

The angel looked at her now, sleeping with a peacefulness that wouldn’t last. It never did, Clara always slept with nightmares. Hanniel knew because they could hear her heartbeat spike up and slow down again. Sometimes Clara wouldn’t go to sleep again for almost an hour. The angel had been wanting to say something to her about it, but what?

Hanniel didn’t know how to talk to people, least of all Clara. They always came off as cold, which wasn’t necessarily what they were going for. The angel wasn’t used to conversations where the other person didn’t want something, as pathetic as that sounded. Hanniel shook their head, dispelling that thought process. It helped no one if they let themselves dwell on that. Still…

“I wish we could have one conversation where I didn’t run you off.”

It felt nice to say it aloud if only to get it out of Hanniel’s head. Not that it would ever happen. Which was fine, because the angel still didn’t know which of them was truly needed in Eden. It was best not to get attached to a girl who might be dead soon.

“Who are you talking to?”

Hanniel froze, looking to see Clara awake, head propped up on her fist. Her short hair stuck up at odd ends, and she still looked half-asleep.

“I- no one, go back to sleep.”

The prophet blinked, stifling a yawn. “Not sure if I can, it’s too bright in here. But you said-”

“Nothing, I didn’t say… You weren’t supposed to hear that.”

“Why, because it makes you seem human?” Clara was getting up now, taking the blanket with her as she made to sit near the angel on the pew. “You don’t always have to be so guarded Hanniel. Jon and I don’t bite.”

The angel glanced at Jon, who was still asleep. He was a heavier sleeper than Clara. “It’s- I’ve never really-”

“Talked to people? We have that in common then.” Clara chuckled, absentmindedly patting her hair down. “I think it works like a Q&A, every question gets an answer. You can go first.”

She gave the angel a small, nervous smile, and Hanniel sighed. This wouldn’t be happening if they had decided to internalize this morning’s thoughts, but maybe this was a good thing? They thought for a moment, before starting off with a simple one.

“How’d you find yourself with that friend of yours, Adam?”

“Hm, that’s kind of a weird story,” Clara started.

[birdysnow]

Who is your favorite OC? Pls share their backstory I must know👀

to be honest it’s totally Devon. I’ve had him sinceee about the 6th grade, and he’s been concrete since about 7th grade (I’m almost a junior!). He’s so important to me :’). Whenever I feel sad I just work on him or write about him and it cheers me up real fast. 

haha his backstory is a loooong, complicated mess. I literally went on an 1.5-2 hour rant about his backstory at a sleepover once, it was ridiculous how long it took for me to talk about him. I actually wrote a response for this ask yesterday, but it got deleted I hate my life. It was soooo long because I wrote it in the way I speak. You’re probably getting a lot more than you bargained for :’). I’ll put it below the cut so everyone else doesn’t suffer. 

im gonna use bullet points bc i like them and theyre shorter

note: universe is like. sci-fi. there’s space stuff you know

full name: Devon Mateo Westmore

born: August 16th 

a leo!!! do with that what you will

as far as parents go, they’re kinda dicks basically

Devon was a complete accident and he’s kind of treated as such

they’re pretty neglectful?? they really dont give a crap abt him frankly

they’re more interested in making bank with their jobs and turning up

has a sister who’s like graduating or smthn. she’s old. her name’s Lucía. 

she also could give less than a crap about him and had a similar experience with their parents; just wants to be free and have no attachment to this rando baby 

is a total Problem Child™ during school because of his messy life, just wants attention and love really but never really gets it

universally hated by teachers all his life

high school is especially rough he is a disaster

he’s basically like party all day every day bitches bc is parents are never home/probably wouldnt reprimand him for going out anyways

he drinks a lot, does drugs 

he bangs a lot of people irresponsibly. A LOT of people.

is a player tbh he will flirt with anyone. very pansexual. 

makes a lot of (bad) friends 2 fill the Void™ and does a lot of illegal things

anyway fast forward to when he’s like 17-18 and school’s like yep time to graduate!! and hes basically like

but he does graduate in order for the story to move forward

but now he’s like careers????????

all he’s kind of enjoyed is music throughout high school but he’s like thats not what i want to do. 

yolo, he probably says to himself one day. I’ll just join the military and become a space pilot because thats what I wanted to do when i was 8

so BASICALLY i haven’t figured out how I want this space military to work but he ends up in like an academy (he’s like around 19ish) or smthn 

this is where he starts to like chill tf out tbh

he discovers that he likes this a lot?? and he’s like dedicated to it???

a lot of like. coping happens and he has to figure out what kind of person he wants to be and recover™ himself

but yah he does well and he ends up being valedictorian nice going m8 

basically if you’re #1 in your class you get the opportunity to go to this like. school/training thingy. and it’s very exclusive but if you like graduate from their you’re like. set 

its like harvard except you could die there 

yolo, he thinks in yet another life decision he really shouldn’t be taking lightly. I want $$$$ so i’m about to make that place my bitch

he does not make that place his bitch

he suffers so much

by the end of the year/2 years he’s there, he does pretty well

He makes a bunch of good friends, and he gets a ton of experience. he’s really good because of it, as to be expected

while there the top of the class is this girl and her name is Adella

shes my daughter

Devon likes her but she’s like super stand-offish and he’s a party kid so he’s like

“hard pass.”

but he has like mad respect and he thinks she’s chill

the feelings mutual

anyways like RIGHT before they graduate she gets recruited to this special program because she’s top of the class and like disappears he never sees her again

sike

but not for a while at least……………

so like fast forward he’s like 23 maybe

he’s got a good job, he’s living it up really?? he’s just like pretty happy all around he has a life, an apartment, friends

he gets an email from this girl and she’s like yo

I’m Tamara, my mother passed away recently but I discovered that our parents are apparently siblings?? I never knew I had a cousin, I heard you live in the area and I was just wondering if you wanted to get to know each other 

and hes basically like damn if i’m about to pass up this chance!!!!!!!!

Tamara works as a programmer literally one (1) city away 

basically they just?? end up getting along really well?? Devon spends a lot of his off days hanging out with her

he’s so ecstatic to finally have someone who’s his family like she treats him like a little brother

probably Tamara also has a younger sibling, their name is Calix. they work as a doctor and dont see Tamara often but the two are close regardless

they’ll be important later but for rn they’re not relevant

anyway, at some point they make plans for Devon to meet Tamara and he ends up at her work

and she’s chilling with this guy who is absolutely

fucking

gorgeous

Devon’s sure he died, right there, behind a goddamn cubicle,,

he’s frantically trying to think up something suave to say (are you the only tennessee no– wait–) when Tamara notices him

she introduces him to her hot friend, his name is Shay

Devon tries to play it cool

“Hey would you mind if Shay came w–”

“NO NOT AT ALL I WOULDNT MIND”

they go out for lunch

he chills out a little bit on the way enough to be his usual self

Shay mistakes flirting for good-natured joking

Devon suffers

They exchange numbers 

cue pining 

Shay continues to be oblivious

He has to be told point blank by Tamara whos like “Please, for the love of all that is good, fuck him go on a date with my cousin.”

“Has he been asking me on dates every time he takes me out?? every time??”

I love Shay so much u dont even know

Shay is basically a really pure and happy person, literally nothing can get him down ever he’s just trying to live his best life

he’s everything to Devon, he’s so sunshiney and nice and Devon has just been through some stuff and his life is going well and now he has been blessed with this beautiful, perfect boy….,,,

it’s not like Devon has never dated anyone before, most of his relationships have been purely physical but he’s been in romantic relationships w people

but this is like. it he knows it. 

they date for about a year, everything’s fantastic

and then

things are heating up politically, and Devon’s in the military so they need him somewhere else

right now everyones living in like?? around india somewhere and they need him in like. canada.

hes understandably upset

he’s gotta move. acROSS THE GLOBE.

he’s not going to break up with bae but they’ve got to talk through this like Adults™

so they talk through it

and Shay’s basically like

“fuck no, i’m moving with you idiot

did you think you were just going to move away from me bench?? sike”

they move in together

I used to have their apartment layout drawn up on homestyler but they reset the system and it’s gone into the void so i’ll have to remake it :’)

so now they’re moved in which is super great everything is popping

remember Calix? they’re relevant again

basically, Calix has been dating this girl for a while now and they’ve gotten serious but their relationship is not working out because she is a mess tbh and they love each other very much but they are not good for each other

Calix isn’t emotionally receiving or helpful he’s very blunt so they end up splitting up because she doesn’t need a relationship  

Said girl is Adella

Adella is a mess basically

the program she was recruited for made her very successful, very well known in her field and in a lot of ways, among common people

but downside is there was a lot of government dirty work she was kind of pressured into doing

there’s also a lot of hush hush skirmish’s that have been occurring that she had to stop

she’s been struggling with depression for a lot of her life and she has PTSD so when her contract is up she decides to take a break™ 

her and Calix’s relationship kind of falls apart but she’s friends with Tamara and she’s like I need to leave somewhere and get out of this messiness, i’m going to move back home (Canada)

Tamara is like

LIGHTBULB DING DING DING

she doesn’t think that Adella shoudnt be on her own, she wants someone to supervise her and make sure she doesnt accidentally starve or smthn

she has the best intentions but she kind of tricks Devon and Shay tbh

“Hey you guys got an apartment with an extra room?? Can you take in my friend for a while, she’ll pay rent, she has a job she’s just trying to find a nice place to live but she needs to move to the area rn”

the two of them are like “yeah sure lol sounds legit tammy we ly

Adella shows up on their doorstep with the intention to live there for like 2 years

cue Shay internally flipping his shit over this lowkey celebrity whos going to LIVE in HIS APARTMENT DEVON DID YOU CLEAN THE KITCHEN

Devon is not phased 

he knows Adella from school so he’s just kind of like hey its u whats banging girlie

he basically just treats her like normal and she is so appreciative 

basically they become SQUAD i love them and thats the beginning of my story and thus ends background 

i’m sorry this was so long i tried so hard but i got carried away. double sorry for taking so long I have like 3 end of school projects due rip me

Thank you so much for asking!! I can’t tell you how much it means to me :’)) If you made it this far through my story I applaud you. thanks for reading!!! Feel free to message me if you have any questions 

[hxrryspotter]

I think, while mental illness and homosexuality are important topics, it's still necessary for people to realise that the show is super white, and not perfect. There was a running joke amongst swedes that "it's surprising that they managed to cast so many POC's" because Norway take in so few immigrants (compared to Sweden). Jokes aside, the representation might be accurate for Norway, but obv I can't tell because I live in Sweden. But it's still important to acknowledge and be upset about. >>

Talking about Isak and Even being "white boys" is just stating facts. They are both white and that is an issue. Let's be honest with ourselves, we have seen white gay boys on film before. So that is not as revolutionary as for example Moonlight. That had almost never been depicted in that way before. And people did not react the same way with that movie, a huge fandom did not blow up and people did not write hundreds fanfics about them. It's so interesting.>>

I’m not saying that Even and Isak are a horrible couple (it’s actually scary how accurately it told a story that is almost identical to one of my friends and his boyfriend). Both parts of this discussion need to realise that while this story might be comforting to bi people (though Even is not confirmed to be bi), or people who are dealing with mental illness, the whiteness is REAL to put it frankly, and people are less keen on a black, gay couple.

That's all I had to say, sorry for ramling.

im really really tired. really tired. no ones saying that skam is the most diverse show they’ve ever seen and if they do then that’s their ignorance not mine. i can list at 4 shows with a more diverse cast than skam.

i know they’re white, that’s their skin color. the only problem is was that op making it sound like isak and even are just two regular white boys in a mlm relationship and how unrealistic it is for sana to confide in even. call them white? they are white. (and so are the girl squad besides sana - which some people got really angry at us for pointing right back. calling it lesbophobia which is really hypocritical bc isnt them being white... a fact? an observation?) but dont start erasing the shit they went through that also makes them a minority like sana. they all get discriminated against in this world, for sure at different levels of severity and completely different situations but the three of them know how it feels. but especially even and sana. and yeah - there’s heaps of fetishizers in this fandom but i dont appreciate when people come at me like i am one when they clearly haven’t been on my blog for very long. i’d love isak x even x sana scenes but honestly? i want sana x even scenes much more. and i want nothing fucking more than for the girl squad to realize how sana is feeling and they can all become much closer after it. 

its’ so interesting bc it’s racism. bc a lot of white people just aren’t as interested in black lives lets be real hey. i was at dinner the other night with a couple friends and we were talking about shows. they mentioned all the most common popular netflix ones but when i asked them abt the get down and dear white people they looked at me like’ what are you talking about, never heard of them??’ its shitty but that’s reality and its gross af. but you know what?

do you think i related to dear white people? i watched it all in two days, i loved it so much i wanna recommend it to everyone. but i dont relate to the characters? my skins white.so what i dont like is when some people in this fandom act incredibly rude bc some of us really stan even and an even x sana friendship. if you go to my blog and look up my tags for the posts i make, i care just as much about sana and her wellbeing right now and it lowkey fuckin hurts when people just throw words at me like ‘islamophobe’ and racist when im..... not. when i fucking care about all this stuff, when yall dont even actually know me. i dont want a fucking medal, i dont want pity. i dont want anything besides for people not to send me hate or tell me im a fake who can go choke. even you sending this msg its like. you’re trying to educate me but you’re saying things i’ve already said weeks ago... im just tired. i wanna enjoy this show but i can not for the life of me not say shit or not express that i want a sana x even friendship. it doesnt mean i hate the girls, lmao i adore them. i lost track of where i was going but yeah. that’s all i guess. 

[anything-advice-blog]

[TIME SENSITIVE / URGENT] toxic friend

i kno u guys must get like thousands of messages and im so sorry for cluttering ur inbox and pushing this to the front of the line but im just. desperate and really scared and i need to know what 2 do abt this as soon as possible!!! also as a preface i apologize in advance if some of the way i word things in this come off as offensive or incorrect, etc - i truly, genuinely do not mean any harm so please feel free to correct me if i say something that isnt okay!!! also this is REALLY scattered and mega long so bear with me im really sorry! (also im so. so scared the person in question is gonna see this o H MY GOD so i may need to message this blog again asking for this post to be taken down maybe bc im really paranoid im so sorry!! i hope thats ok but i just dont want to risk her seeing this if this all blows up in my face ohrkjdghkjghfdgj!!!) (TW: SUICIDE MENTION, SELF HARM MENTION)

ok so. almost 2 years ago in early 2016 this girl i’d never met before drew me this incredible gift art for my birthday. we started talking and we found out we have a lot of things in common - we both draw and write, we’re just a few months apart from each other in age, we have similar interests and fandoms, n we live less than an hour away from each other and are one state away from one another - so we immediately hit it off n became super close friends. she was amazingly talented n super friendly and nice n stuff so i wanted 2 be friends w her anyways!!!!! @ the time she was in an online relationship with someone several years older than her who lived across the country, and she mentioned a few times she was feeling unhappy and insecure in that relationship and that long distance was really difficult but she was too devoted to her partner to break it off. the most important thing 2 note is that my friend has several severe untreated mental illnesses (depression, anxiety, ocd among others), regularly self harms, and is suicidal. im pretty sure im neurotypical (or at least i definitely am not suicidal / depressed, etc), so while i couldnt relate to a lot of the things she was going through, i always tried to be a listening ear to her and give her advice / support when i could because i knew she was going through a lot of rough stuff. she told me she doesnt have any friends in real life, her parents are separated and her family does not support her or even really know / care about her mental health, and she can’t access any professional help from teachers / counselors / therapists due to her severe anxiety and financial issues for some of the latter options listed. as her relationship with her partner began to crumble, i started bearing a lot of the weight of her struggles - she would vent to me and i would always have to be there for her to support her. i told myself that because she was mentally ill and didnt have any support i would take on that role so she wouldnt have to suffer. over the summer of 2016 she almost attempted suicide like…. twice??? and i talked her out of it and it was terrifying and really exhaustimg to constantly be worried about her.

then almost a year ago, in the winter of 2016, she started getting… clingy? we started talking a lot more and i didnt really get like any bad vibes from her but we were pretty much joined @ the hip and stuff and we started telling each other all of our secrets (so this is when i found out her relationship with her girlfriend was starting to crumble, which i didnt previously know) also she started constantly drawing me stuff??? like Drowning me in gift art and i felt really bad for not being able to reciprocate but she told me not to worry and that she used art as a coping method and stuff. at this time, i was going through some stuff too - obviously not as severe as depression / self harming, etc, but i had just gotten out of an almost-relationship with someone i knew from school, and i was doing my best to distance myself from romance in general since i didnt feel mature or confident enough to be in a romantic relationship yet. i told my friend that i was uncomfortable about the prospect of being in a romantic relationship and she seemed to understand.

anyways right around my birthday this year she revealed to me that she was madly in love with me (???!!?!?!?!?!!?!!?). mind you we had never even talked to each other / video called or ANything like that and we had only sent each other One (1) selfie and. it made me really uncomfortable because she said that like i was her moon and stars and her whole world and everything and she constantly dreamed of me??? and that she had been secretly like writing me love poetry and drawing me Even More Art i didnt even know about and…… it was. really overwhelming. it bothered me for so many reasons besides the fact that we had never communicated outside of like chatting / sending messages back nd forth like…. ok she was still in that long distance relationship at the time even though it was crumbling, and she KNEW!!! that i was uncomfortable about romance but she told me anyways and stuff!!!!!! and AHHH it was just really bad. so i panicked over it for a day or two because i was scared that if i Firmly Said No that she would spiral into a depressive episode and actually fatally harm this time but i wrote her this huge long letter letting her down very, very, VERY gently and apologizing for ever leading her on and stuff. and. she never actually wrote back to that letter or told me that it was okay???? which….. should have been a red flag 2 me but. we moved on as friends even though we did this conscious of the fact that she still loved me like that and i didnt feel the same way. looking back on it i regret it so much because i told her that like i would Always Be There For Her Forever and stuff and??? gfkjhgk yeah it wasnt a good time.

its been almost a year since then. in the spring i got my first smartphone and we added each other on a lot of social media stuff including snapchat and moved all our conversations there, then we decided to call each other and exchange phone numbers and see how that worked. i didnt really think much of it and was excited to hear her voice and have a conversation with her but…….. suddenly that one call turned into two and two turned into three and within a few weeks we were calling each other like All The Time (at least once a week if not more) and like making these really fucking elaborate schedules to call each other????? WHICH LIKE i dont think is a normal thing friends do idk if im wrong but!!!!! i literally call None of my other friends except for her, and a lot of that is bc i actually get really anxious and uncomfortable talking on the phone?? (also not to mention my mom doesnt really like me talking on the phone either….) but i never really told her that it made me uncomf or that it was difficult to mnge like i guess it just kinda.. Happened and became the norm. so now on top of constantly messaging each other multiple times a day now we were calling frequently too and there was suddenly a lot more pressure in our relationship because i had to stress out over making a large amount of time in my day to talk to her. i graduated high school this spring and having to balance the extreme emotional load of that major change with like… suddenly having to fall all over myself to make time to talk to this girl i didnt even really know?? was just really bad and i regret it so much because i feel like i missed out on fully experiencing it i guess. im really really passive and im TERRIFIED of confrontation and i dont like saying no to people or telling them if im uncomfortable because They Will Get Mad At Me and it was especially worse bc of my friend’s mental health and so she and i would talk for hours on end because i was afraid that if i got tired and ended the conversation without a legitimate excuse she would get mad at me and hurt herself. since we could fit way more conversation into like… long long hours of talking and talking, we ended up like. just telling each other literally Everything and she “eventually” fell out of love with me and started trying to meet people who she actually knew irl to date!! which was. kinda good bc she met this one girl and they hit it off but then it turns out she was just….. queerbaiting my friend??? which Sucked so that obviously didnt work out. and then she met another girl on this dating app and they started going out and my friend started talking to me less for a little while. it turns out though……. that my friend’s new girlfriend lives in my town??? like i dont know her but bc of that my friend and i almost met in person bc the two of them met up and went out together and stuff and they were gonna drop by and see me but that didnt work out. im getting off topic here but my point is……… she told me she wasnt in love with me anymore and she started seeing other people.

sadly she and her gf recently broke up. their relationship was also really unhealthy just like…… All Of Her Relationships and that other girl broke up with my friend because she said she needed space (she was depressed too and needed to recover and my friend was being too clingy and attention seeking and stuff so she just ended it in the middle of the night over text.) ofc ive stuck around for all of this and my friend has vented about every tiny detail of this relationship to me and its…. been So Stressful. now that shes single again she’s more depressed than ever - over the summer when she was dating that other girl she stopped self harming but she started again when their relationship started going south and now im really scared she’s gonna hurt herself, esp bc she tried to commit suicide again a few months ago which was terrifying. also another thing thats made me REALLY uncomfortable!!!!!!!! is that she Keeps Bringing Up the fact that she was in love with me whenever we talk on the phone??? like Every Single Time We Talk, Without Fail. even when she was talking abt her new gf with me sh was like. comparing her attraction to her gf to her attraction to Me and talking abt how they were similar and different and. i never had the guts to tell her it bothered me but god it just does So So Much!!!!! because we were never in a real relationship and she doesnt even really know me KDSJFHKHGAHHH im rambling so much this makes no sense at all and this is so long im so sorry ahhhh but im… Stressed!

so….. we’re running up on two years since we’ve met and one year since she told me she loved me. im in college now and she’s still in high school, and she’ll be i college next year too. again, i dont think that im depressed or mentally ill, but ive been struggling a LOT with the adjustment from hs to college and its been really really rough on me emotionally. now that my friend is single she’s been solely relying on me and trying to get me to call her multiple times a week because she needs the extra support now that she doesnt have her girlfriend anymore… but she doesnt seem to understand that i i just dont have enough time or energy to give all of myself to her and fall all over myself to make her feel better, especially when i already feel suffocated by her to begin with AND when im suppposed to be starting this new life and putting all of my focus into that. we’re mutuals on every single social media i have and i feel like im constantly being crushed by guilt whenever i do anything for myself or post stuff bc she can see what im doing constantly. and like she asked me to turn my read receipts on when we started moving from snapchat to texting and i have them turned off regularly so i did and it was really uncomfortable. i keep bending myself over backwards to mke sure im making her happy bc im all she has left.

neither of us have good relationships with our moms and so we’re always sneaking around to call each other and lately ive been calling her at school because obviously my mom isnt there and its less of a hassle to sneak around her and and talk……. but its a double edged sword bc i keep having to isolate myself and skip clubs / studying / hanging out with friends and socializing to talk to her and listen to her vent and its just so exhausting and i feel like im starting to seriously fall behind in other areas of my life im supposed to be getting better in. its hard enough adjusting to this and missing high school and stuff and trying to learn how to be an adult and be independent, and having her weight over my shoulders just is making things so much worse. but if i tell her that she’s choking me she’ll hurt herself (she’s literally said to me, Multiple Times (and recently!!!) that if it werent for me she’d be dead by now or she would kill herself and stuff and im the only thing she’s living for at this point. which. i dont know how to feel about that). i feel so trapped and i can’t say or do anything that indicates that im uncomfortable because she’ll get mad at me and make these passive agressive little side comments or do these alarmed emoticons and stuff or give me the silent treatment for a day or two (which is always scary bc like its Good when she’s not talking to me but when she doesnt im scared that something horrible happened to her!!!!!) and its just. god. ive started lying to her and coming up with fake excuses to get out of calling her because the thought of having to go isolate myself in these empty courtyards or nooks and crannies of my college campus is growing more and more uncomfortable and terrifying to me and i just cant fucking be honest about it because i suck. when i talk on the phone with her i have to be really fake and smiley and stuff and all she does is ramble about how horrible things are going for her and then i have to try and give advice when i just am so bad at talking and socializing already and im dealing w my own stuff and its… Awful. im so so weighed down by this nd i know that if she knew she’s being a…. b*rden to me right now she would be devastated and harm herself and stuff so i cant say anything and im spiraling out of control with THI s but you get the point im just really uncomfortable Always!!!! and i feel like my own emotions are completely 100000% inferior to hers because she’s gone through so much more than me and stuff???? and idk if thats True or if its just the way i feel but i just cant do anything around her bc shes like a ticking time bomb and anything i feel or try to do to protect myself from getting hurt will be selfish bc shes hurting way mre than me!!!!!!!!

anyways her birthday just happened a couple weeks ago and i bought her a tiny present and drew her somehting (i felt super guilty about not doing More for it though because shes done so much for me and also literally nobody except me remembered her birthday, not even really her own family). i havent mailed it to her yet (i told her i would send it this weekend, which is why this is marked as urgent) but we just exchanged addresses for the first time so now she not only knows my name, my age, what i look like, my Entire Backstory Ft. My Deepest Darkest Secrets, and how to reach me whenever she wants wherever she wants, but now she knows Exactly where i live and where i go to school too lol yay!!! anyways im getting really really anxious because i just had my midterms for college and didnt talk to her for an entire week last week but this happened right after her gf broke up with her and i think shes mad at me for taking a week off of talking to her. we were gonna call again today but i weaseled my way out of it bc it was so overwhelming and now i have to mail her this gift this weekend and my mom and other fmily members are all yelling at me about it and demanding that i just like…. Not Send It To Her because i dont owe her anything and tht i should just cut her off but if i do she’ll hurt herself nd she follows me everywhere and knows all of my secrets and stuff and idk im just scared that if i end our friendship she’ll try to ruin my life!!!! Like i dont think she would be petty like that or turn people against me or anything but she’s so obsessed with giving all of herself to other people nd she’s literally said she cant function without being 100000% devoted to somebody and like even after she’s broken up with all these other girls she still…. is obsessed with them and angsts over them and stuff and she does that with me even though i never even dated her or anything aND ITS JUST bad

like. idk i just really needed to get all of that out and im sorry it was so so so long and i dont even know what to do but i guess i marked this urgent because like. do i send her the present???? should i try to just like quietly distance myself from her real subtly so she wont notice or should i just straight up tell her that i cant breathe around her anymore and i just. really need space??? or like to not be friends anymore even though we know everything about each other??? am i being manipulated or is it jsut All In My Head that our relationship is toxic??? like idk if i shoud even cut her off completely or aNYTHING or if we could like even go on being just acquaintances from now on and saying hi to each other from time to time. and i feel so mean and bad for writin all of thisstuff about her when i know shses so vulnerable and i havent concretely communicated Any discomfort around her so if she saw this she would immediately know it was about her and do something Terrible to herself nd she constantly spams me with memes about depression and wanting to die and like…. blows up my phone with like 50 text messages at once and its just so so so much to worry about and i!!! just!!!!!! cant function like this anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHH!!

anyways that was a huge disorganized mess and im kinda shaking and i dont even think i got all of it down or communicated how trapped and helpless i feel. ive never been in any situation like this before and i hate that she’s…. yeah. she’s really like manipulated me and stuff and i dont know how to get out of it. every time i think about it i feel like bursting into tears because im just so stuck and i dont even know if the way im feeling is even valid or if its all just lke. in my head or something and this is how friends really are Supposed to be because ive never really had a great social life either and my best friends are honestly my brother and sister and they mean everything to me and so i have friends outside of my family but like idk i never like. really was that close with any of them nad stuff nad idk this isnt about me BUT i just uhhh. am kinda crying a little bit and im sorry fo rbeig a big baby about all of this its all my fault for being a Human Doormat and letting people walk all over me nd tellin myself that i can bear that weight when i really have never taken good care of myself before Ever In My Life and stuff. but anyways im gonna stop rambling now and just… to whoever reads this or responds to this or whatever just thank you for hearing me out even if you think im wrong / crazy / Terrible for feeling this way because it just has been so much and i dont know what to do.

Hey there!

There's a lot going on here, but the bottom line seems to be this; you're in a friendship that you don't want to be in, and that you feel is unhealthy for you.

You are not her therapist. You can't fix her, you can't treat her, you can support her, but that's it. You aren't responsible for her. You're forcing yourself to put all this time and energy into something that you're super uncomfortable with, and don't want to be doing, and it's draining you and destroying your own mental health. You have to put yourself first. It's okay to want to help people, but you HAVE to put yourself first, or else you'll burn out and you won't be able to help anybody.

At the very least, you need to talk to her about how you're feeling, and tell her you need to tone down your relationship. What's happening absolutely isn't fair to you. All you can do to help her is your best, and right now, you're not doing your best because you're not taking care of yourself.

I know you're concerned about her hurting herself or killing herself, but you have to understand that you are not responsible for her. If she does something to herself, it's not as a result of your actions. She's traumatized and mentally ill, and those factors are what causes her to hurt herself. Not you. You are not and can not be responsible for her. Period. If she tells you she's going to kill herself or severely hurt herself, you have her address. Call 911 and ask them to dispatch help to her house. She might hate you for it, but an angry person is far, far better than a dead person. That action very well might save her life, and get her the help that she needs, so don't be afraid to do it.

As for the present, it's totally up to you. You did promise it to her, and fulfilling that promise might help you let her down a little bit more gently. At the same time, giving her a permanent reminder of you could hurt her. Maybe you should ask her? Tell her about how you're feeling and that you can't keep going with this intense of a relationship, and have a conversation about that. During that conversation, you could ask if she still wants the present. She might get angry, or it could help soothe her, or maybe she'll have a totally different reaction. It's hard to know.

This conversation is going to be super, super hard. It's going to be hell, quite frankly. She's a super sensitive person, and she's probably not going to take it well. So remember what I said before, about her not being your responsibility, and do a LOT of self care working up to the conversation and after the conversation. I'd recommend making a self care kit, and putting things in it that help calm you down. My personal self care kit contains nice smelling lotion, soft fabric, stuff to play with, gum, tea bags, and notes from friends reminding me that they love me. You could also be texting a friend during the conversation, so that they can reassure you and help talk you through it.

You may not be going through the same things she is, but your feelings and your struggles are valid. You don't need to destroy yourself to help someone that's "worse" than you are. You need to take care of yourself, and keep yourself as healthy as possible. You aren't any less valuable simply because you're not traumatized or self harming. Your mental health is important, and you need to do what's right for you.

I hope this helps!

♥ - Fawn