tease ||yjh||
summary- Jeonghan's a tease. You're delighted to find that this extends to the bedroom.
wc- 4k
Blue hues of light lit up the living room- spilling out of the blaring television and onto your faces. It was loud. It was bright. But it did nothing to distract you from the way your boyfriend toyed with you while he watched.
You and Jeonghan had only just started dating- it had been about three weeks- and nothing had moved past innocent make-out sessions yet. There was no rush, he told you, he was willing to wait until you were comfortable enough.
'no one has ever survived my plain rice original attack- take this!'
'HA! you underestimate m- AHHHHH I'M HUNGRY'
It was a silly movie. On any other day, you would've loved it. You would've been glued to the screen, shoveling popcorn into your mouth as you laughed away.
But right now? Right now you were focused on one thing and one thing only; the way Jeonghan was touching you.
He leaned against the arm of the couch, legs bent at the knees, with you lying between them. Your head rested on his firm chest and his arms wrapped themselves under yours, around your waist. It was standard procedure thus far. You always cuddled like this.
The thing with today, however, is that his hands are...occupied.
One hand sits at the hem of your shirt, fingers fidgeting with the flimsy fabric, while the other holds your inner thigh. Over the course of the movie, Jeonghan moved from twisting the hem of your shirt to tracing little hearts onto the skin below, right above the edge of your panties.
You've got half an hour left to finish the movie now. Half an hour to power through your growing desperation.
"there's no need to drag this out," he mumbles into your ear, and you jolt in his arms, feeling his breath tickle the shell of your ear.
"huh?"
"I mean, he could've just shot the guy-"
Unsure of what he was referring to, you opt to agree, not wanting to give away your current state.
"y-yeah, you're right" you stutter, cringing internally at how pathetic you sound.
If he notices, he chooses to make no comment about your utterance and resumes watching the movie. His hands move back to playing with you, only this time, he drags his nails over the waistband of your panties, causing you to squirm in his grasp. The other hand settles back on your inner thigh, fingers bumping into your cunt 'accidentally'.
The contact has you whimpering pathetically, and you bite down on your lower lip to seal off your voice. You fail to notice, however, the smirk playing on Jeonghan's lips.
Oh, this was no accident.
Fifteen minutes to go now, and you think you're going insane. The squeeze of his fingers, the way his nails rake against your skin so softly, he has you losing your sanity. Your panties are soaked, your breathing is shallow, and your face is so red he'd be able to see it even amidst the harsh blue glow the TV casts on your face.
'hang in there' you tell yourself, trying to squeeze your thighs together, trapping Jeonghan's hand between them.
"you okay, angel?" he asks, wiggling his hand until your thighs fall open again, "you've been so quiet"
"I uh, I'm alri-" you break off into a whimper when he moves his hand up and squeezes again.
"what is it, baby?" His voice is sultry and low. You feel yourself clench up around nothing.
"n-nothing hannie I'm okay" you say, breathlessly. Too caught up in watching yourself, you fail to notice the evident grin in your boyfriend's voice- like he was up to no good.
"if you need anything from me, you can just say, hm?"
'I need your dick inside me. I need you to touch me, to kiss me, to have me. Whatever you want. I need you to just have your way with me'
"yeah I'll um, I'll be sure to tell you"
Ten minutes to go. You are an absolute mess. Your panties cling to you uncomfortably, like a second skin, your body is enveloped in a thin film of sweat, and his hands, god his hands have not stopped.
Those gorgeous fingers of his torture you with their every move. You've forgotten about the movie entirely now, choosing instead to look at the way he plays with you. The way his pretty, long fingers grab at your flesh, teasing you without mercy.
You're transfixed, honestly, drifting into thoughts of how they'd feel inside you, how he'd feel inside you. Captivated by his hands, you don't realize when time passes you. Before you know it, the room goes silent, screen turning black before your unfocused eyes.
The credits roll quietly as Jeonghan continues to toy with your body, now certain that you're as invested in this as he is.
He hasn't said it before, but he's wanted to have you from the moment you called him yours. His mind was plagued with thoughts of you- what you'd look like, what you'd sound like, what you'd feel like under him. But, he didn't want to push. This had to happen naturally.
As names litter the screen, Jeonghan brings his hand higher, now flush against your groin, and you fail to conceal the moan that rips out your throat.
"oh?"
"sor-sorry," you stutter, eyes widening, "I should um, I think I'll go wash up-"
Hastily, you move to scramble off his chest, shooting up off the couch only to find him mirroring your actions.
Jeonghan's hand finds your wrist, and he tugs you back, into his embrace. He wraps his arms around you, leaning his chin on the top of your head.
"why won't you ask?" he mumbles into your hair, smoothing his palms over your waist and lower back.
"what are y-"
"I'm all yours, y'know... whatever you need, you can take it from me"
When you fail to respond, Jeonghan sighs, peeling himself away from you. His hands land on your shoulders as he walks you backwards, pushing you onto the couch.
"hannie what are-"
Soft cushions greet your tensed frame, dipping under your weight. Your boyfriend stares down at you, slowly settling on top of you, with his knees resting at either side of your hips.
"take it." he whispers, bringing his face right above yours, so close you can feel his breath tickling your lips.
A breathy sigh slips past your lips, and you shudder at the proximity between your bodies.
Jeonghan inches closer. Your eyes flutter closed, anticipation bubbling away in your stomach. He draws nearer still, pushing further and further, almost reaching your lips, until he stops.
You lie waiting, with your eyes still shut, before he whispers against your lips.
"take. it."
Blushing wildly, you look up at him. He's still close, still almost touching you. At first, you're unsure of what he means, but the look in his eyes tells you all you need to know.
Oh.
He wanted you to work for it.
Your head tilts tentatively, angling yourself towards him. It's a strain, lifting your head at such an awkward angle, but you're almost there. Your lips are almost on his.
So close, just about to touch, when he pulls back ever so slightly. A frustrated whine leaves your lips as his own curl up into a devilish smirk.
"hannie," you pout. His smirk widens.
"c'mon angel you can do better than that, can't you?"
Ignoring your crumbling pride, you reach up once again, managing to ghost your lips over his, only to have him pull away like before.
You huff, letting your head fall back onto the cushions as you turn to the side.
"giving up already?" he hooks his fingers under your chin, forcing you to face him as he speaks.
You're about to bite back, say something mean, but the view you're met with has your throat closing up. Jeonghan's hair hung loosely around his face, his lips were parted, his eyes were blown wide with something you'd never seen before- he looked unreal.
"are you?" he quirks a brow at you before leaning closer, ghosting his lips over yours.
Taking full advantage of the proximity, you loop your arms around his neck and pull him closer, finally managing to kiss him.
The action takes him by surprise, but he quickly recovers, grabbing your wrists and pinning them above your head.
You gasp at the sudden movement, and he takes full advantage, shoving his tongue into your mouth, licking his way inside. There was an expertise to the way he kissed you- how his tongue moved so sensually, how his lips pressed against yours in a way that had your panties soaked.
While one hand binds your wrists together, Jeonghan uses the other to cradle your face. The gentle manner in which his fingers splayed over your hair, thumb tucked into your temple, had you reeling. How dare he act so innocent with his tongue shoved down your throat?
For a minute you both seemed to forget about the world, about reality. All that existed was you and him and the heat between your bodies. You can't help the small whimpers and moans that escape you with every flick of his tongue.
Panting, you pull away. Your chest heaves as you gaze into his eyes, noticing how blown his pupils are. The same eyes that sparkled with love when he saw you, the same eyes that crinkled under his smile, those very eyes looked unrecognisable tonight. There was a lust, a hunger, that shone behind his stare. It made your stomach flutter.
"angel," he mutters, his tone low and raspy, "what do you want from me?"
"I-" you start, breaking eye contact when your cheeks start to heat up once again, "I want you"
He quirks a brow at you, and for some reason, you feel the need to add in a quick "please".
"want me how?"
Jeonghan trails his fingers from your jaw down your body, stopping at your clothed cunt.
"want my fingers?" he smirks as you shudder under his touch, and continues.
"want my mouth?" his head dips into the divot between your collarbones, licking at the tender skin before nipping at it oh-so-gently.
"want my cock?"
In one swift motion, he grinds down into you, pushing his hard bulge against your sex.
A moan claws its way up your throat, and before you're aware of what you're doing, you find yourself whimpering-
"all of it- all of it please hannie"
He stares down at you, his dominant persona faltering for a second when he takes you in. Soft wisps of hair framed your face, a thin film of glossy sweat settled on your skin, crimson tints painted your cheeks. You were sprawled out, blushing, panting, all for him. All because of him.
The way his heart swelled at the sight of you was something he'd never felt with anyone else before.
"my pretty girl," he coos softly, brushing a strand of hair off your face, "I'll make you feel good, okay? Is that what you want angel?"
You nod, desperately, eyes wide with sincerity. God you're adorable- Jeonghan can't help but fuss all over you and pepper your face with soft kisses, before he regains his composure.
With alarming ease, he stands back up, beckoning you forward with the quirk of his fingers as he walks backwards towards his bedroom.
"c'mere"
You swallow your pride and follow him, scrambling off the couch eagerly, chasing after his figure.
The dark setting of his bedroom greets you as you enter after him. It isn't what you expected. Not one bit. For someone as soft and easy going as Jeonghan, black walls and dark satin sheets seemed quite... out of character.
But then again, you've only known him for a few weeks. Perhaps he isn't as soft as he let's on.
"if you wanna stop," he says, pushing you to sit on the bed, "just say the word. okay?"
You nod and his jaw ticks.
"words. I'm gonna need to to use your words for me, yeah?"
"y-yeah I can do that Hannie"
"good."
Slowly, Jeonghan tips you back, letting you lie back onto his mattress with your knees hanging off the edge. He shoots you a sly smirk as his hands run up your sides, under your shirt, making you shiver.
"this okay?" he murmurs, kissing the skin of your exposed tummy while his hands undo your buttons with expert precision.
"mhm"
With each button falling apart under his fingers, you feel your heartbeat quicken. Anticipation builds in your stomach with how slowly yet easily he moves. It was so sensual, so enticing, how he took his time, how he was so confident with the way he handled you.
The heat between your legs is unbearable now.
"there" he sighs, almost to himself, as he pops the last button off, revealing your bralette.
Oh.
Just when he thought you couldn't get any prettier, you had to go and prove him wrong.
"I'm really lucky, aren't I?"
"what ar-"
"I've got the prettiest girl in the world with me. all mine"
You turn away, bashfully.
"m'gonna make you feel good, okay, pretty?"
"yes" you breathe.
Sparing not a second more, he crawls on top of you, nuzzling his face into your neck, leaving wet kisses below your ear.
"could kiss you all day" he whispers against the shell of your ear, biting gently at the sensitive skin.
"Hannie-"
"don't think I'll ever be able to stop"
Jeonghan trails kisses down your neck to your cleavage, stopping right above the fabric of your bralette to look up at you.
"can I?"
"mhm"
Deft fingers slide under your back, pushing you to arch up against him as he unhooks your bra with ease. He lets the fabric fall apart under his fingers and tosses it aside, sucking in a sharp breath at the sight of your breasts.
You shudder when his hands knead the soft flesh, occasionally tweaking your nipples between his fingers. He really knew what he was doing.
The heat in your belly only grew with the way he teased you, growing almost unbearable. You needed him to touch you. You'd go crazy if he didn't.
As if he read your mind, Jeonghan places his lips to your breasts, sucking faint red bruises into your skin, moving south. He leaves a trail of marks all the way down your torso, stopping at the hem of your shorts.
"still with me?" he asks, fingers tucked into the waistband of your shorts, mumbling into your skin.
"yeah just- please keep going"
He grins. You were exactly what he imagined. Responsive, sensitive and desperate. Oh he was going to have so much fun with you.
Tugging your shorts down, tantalisingly slow, Jeonghan stares up at you- a mischievous glint in his eyes.
You don't think too much of it at first, but when he moves to pull your panties off, you begin to put two and two together.
A faux pout takes over his features as he holds your underwear right above your knees.
"oh no," he coos, snapping the waistband against your lower thigh, "it's stuck."
Oh.
"what-?" you choke. It was painful now, how badly you needed him. Your clit ached, your hole clenched up around empty space, your skin was on fire.
"can't seem to get these off," A stupid grin stretches over his lips, and you want nothing more than to smack it right off.
"Hannie c'monn it hurts" you whine, tears pricking your eyes, "please"
He pouts, a condescending furrow in his brow.
"but it's stuck"
"god-"
You shove your panties down, hastily, and kick them off until you're completely bare for him. Exasperation paints over your face, only to be replaced by a furious red blush once realisation hits.
Did you just-
"so desperate for me," he smirks as his palms glide over your hips, "fuck look at how wet you are, angel"
Jeonghan crooks a finger into you, dragging it along your slit before raising the digit to your face. There's a glint in his eye, half in awe, half amused.
"you're practically dripping off my fingers, baby"
You feel your cheeks heat up at the sight and turn away, mumbling something along the lines of 'c'mon don't tease'.
There's a chuckle on his end as he gives in, pushing the soaked digit into your mouth. Your cheeks hollow around his finger, tongue swirling, and he sucks in an unsteady breath.
"will you be good, angel? can you stay still for me?"
You hum, opening your mouth to say something, but you quickly cut yourself off with a moan when Jeonghan's tongue drags along your slit. He works the wet muscle into you, dipping inside to collect your arousal before spreading it over your clit. His lips suction your aching nerves, tongue prodding it rhythmically, and your back arches off the bed.
Jeonghan's eyes meet yours, his stare warning you to behave. Instantly, your hips settle back, and you try your hardest to keep still.
"good girl," he praises, mumbling into your clit. The vibrations of his voice shoot up your spine, and you feel your nerves sing, now on edge.
A helpless moan escapes you when he slides two fingers inside you, pumping in and out as you squeeze around him. The combined stimulation of his tongue on your clit and those long fingers inside you, has you dangerously close to falling apart.
"H-Hannie fuck don't stop m'so close-" you gasp, grinding your hips onto his face to match the rhythm of his tongue.
His lips curl up into a sickly smirk and you feel you stomach drop. Surely, surely he wouldn't-
"gonna cum?" he grins. The thrust of his fingers begin to slow their pace and his tongue circles the area around your clit.
You push your hips up, chasing his tongue desperately, but to no avail.
"please-"
"please?" he echoes.
"so close"
"mm I could tell"
The sultry edge to his voice has you torn. On one hand, he just denied you of what would've been the best orgasm of your life, while on the other he sounded so fucking sexy being in charge. You couldn't decide whether you wanted to slap him or pull him into a kiss.
Your thighs quiver with the weight of your ebbing orgasm, and you feel tears spill over as it fades into nothing.
"aw, angel," he coos, thumbing away the pearls slipping down your cheeks, "you were right there, weren't you?"
You nod, sniffling away pathetically.
"do you wanna cum?"
You nod again and he tuts.
"what did I sa-"
"yes! yes please- wanna cum, wanna cum so bad Hannie,"
Jeonghan smiles, satisfied, and lowers his face to your cunt, this time shoving three fingers into you without warning and lapping at your clit with such precision you almost came on the spot.
You moan, hands flying to his hair instantly. His tongue flicked at your nerves just right and the stretch of your walls around his fingers felt ungodly.
"d-don't stop please-"
He smirks against your cunt and pushes further, harder. Within minutes you come undone, feeling your body sink into the mattress as your vision turns white from pleasure. Jeonghan fucks you through your orgasm, licking at your juices lazily.
"taste so good" he groans, pulling his fingers out of you and sucking them into his mouth.
The room feels hot. Far hotter than before. You can smell yourself, smell the salty sweat dripping off of you. Jeonghan grins at your dishevelled state, revelling in the way he had you breaking on his tongue.
"still okay?"
"more than okay" you breathe, tugging him by the collar of his shirt, into a filthy kiss. You can taste the remnants of your arousal on his tongue, and it only makes you want him more.
You pull away, panting, and keep your fingers tangled in his shirt.
"you- are far too clothed for my liking."
Jeonghan's eyes crinkle into that smile you fell in love with, and your heart skips a beat. God, he was just so pretty.
"perv," he smiles.
"hey, I'm the naked one-"
"mhm and who's fault is that? didn't you take these off yourself?" he reaches down, grabbing your panties before waving them around.
"god- you're so-"
"handsome? skilled? tempting?"
"just shut up and fuck me already"
Jeonghan steps back, now standing in front of the bed, and pulls his shirt off. You feel your lungs drain.
He was on the slimmer side, so you didn't really expect much, but the sculpted contours of his pectorals and abs told you something else altogether.
"you're staring"
Shamelessly you let your jaw hang open as you sit up to feel his abs.
"m'not staring what are you talking about?"
Your hands trace over his torso, eyes transfixed by how beautiful he looked like this- staring down at you, one hand resting on your hair, cheeks flushed.
He takes hold of your wandering hand and drags it up to the centre of his chest.
"can you feel that?" he asks, voice raspy.
It's his heart.
"that's all for you"
His heart thuds against his chest, pace so quick you'd have thought he was a racehorse.
"I-" you start, unable to find the words.
"c'mere let me take care of you, hm?"
Ridding himself of his shorts and boxers, Jeonghan let's your hand trace over him.
Gently, he lays you down on the bed, making sure your head rests securely between the pillows. He hovers over you, balancing his weight on his forearms.
"might sting just a little, okay?"
You nod, staring up at him with wide, eager eyes.
Slowly, Jeonghan eases himself into you. He was long. Really long. Girth wise, the stretch didn't hurt too much, but god- he was barely halfway in when you started squirming.
"shh, I know, it'll feel good in a minute angel"
Pushing further, he distracts you with a sensual kiss, licking at the seam of your mouth. You grant him entrance, whimpering when he swipes over your tongue.
He bottoms out inside you, and for a moment, you still in his arms.
"that's it, baby," he mumbles against your lips, breathing hard as is to contain himself, "taking me so good"
When he feels you relax around him, he draws his hips back before pushing back into you. His is pace is steady, his thrusts are firm, you swear you've never felt so secure during sex before.
His length kisses your cervix right away and you cry out, back arching off the bed and into his chest. Your nails rake down his back, leaving deep red marks you're sure he'll tease you about tomorrow.
"fuck-" he seethes, thrusting into you, his jaw tense as beads of sweat collect at his temples.
"Han- oh my god-"
The room echoes with your voices- desperate moans and whimpers neither of you can be bothered to contain. Hot, steamy air floods the space, and you can smell his cologne, his skin as he pounds into you.
A hand reaches down to toy with your clit, stretching your lips open, leaving your nerves completely at his mercy. His middle finger dips into you, rubbing lazy circles against your clit, and you cry out his name like it's all you know.
He muffles your cries with his tongue, shoving it into your mouth as you moan and whimper into him. It's hard to breathe, hard to speak, hard to think, but you just can't get enough.
A particularly harsh thrust has you clamping down on him and he groans. His lips trail over to your ear, and he bites gently at the tender flesh of your earlobe.
"you feel like heaven-" he shudders, licking at the shell of your ear.
Your skin lights up, hairs standing on end, and you feel your orgasm building.
His fingers circle your clit faster, and his thrusts move to a brutal pace.
Moaning into each other, you chase your highs, hips bucking eagerly, desperately, as you finally come undone together.
Jeonghan fucks into you, helping you ride your orgasm as he does his own.
There's a long silence as he pushes into you, both you and him wincing from overstimulation. He gazes into your eyes, a soft smile gracing his lips, and kisses you deeply one last time, before pulling out.
Whimpering at the sudden loss, your hips chase him, and he scoffs, an amused look taking over his face.
"you're insatiable- c'mon let's get you cleaned up"
Before you can protest, you find yourself slumped against his chest, carried in his arms like a princess as he walks over to the bathroom.
You're met with an already filled bath, rose petals scattered along the surface of the water, candles lit up and arranged along the room.
"so I uh, I might have planned thi-"
You cut him off with a peck, giggling at his sudden nervousness.
"thank you," you beam as he lowers you into the water, following right after.
"anything for my angel"
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to know him is to love him, and i do | chapter one: do you not love me? like at all?
pairing(s): choi beomgyu x you, kang taehyun x you
summary: you love beomgyu more than anything. you just wish he loved you, too. or you finally break up with beomgyu and move on, but as for him? maybe he's starting to realize too little too late.
genre: romance, angst, angst with a happy ending (?)
word count: 2.1k
notes: hi friends! ... r u mad at me? be honest (*´ェ`*) i'm sorry i've been gone for so long, but i've had the worst writer's block with my other story. i decided to just post this because i couldn't get the idea of toxic!beomgyu out of my head. don't worry, he will suffer. anyway, i hope you like it!! if not, please don't hurt my feelings i beg.
"i told you it was nothing. why are you freaking out?"
"she was fucking you with her eyes, beomgyu!" you exclaim in frustration.
"and that's my fault how?"
"it's not your fault, but i'm sick of you entertaining women, let alone your actual fucking ex, while i'm standing right next to you!" his ex is just another fish in the barrel, or at least that's what he says, but the thought that they were intimate together at one point still makes you feel sick. truthfully, your boyfriend is handsome, so you've spent the better part of the past 10 months warding off the women who circle him like vultures. you wouldn't mind as much as you do if he seemed at all interested in helping you do so, especially when faced with his ex that you suspect he still has feelings for, but he does not. quite the opposite, actually. it's like he thrives off of the attention and god it hurts.
"i'm not entertaining anybody. i told her i have a girlfriend now," he, well, you would say argues, but it's said so nonchalantly it doesn't warrant the term.
"a girlfriend you proceeded to ignore while she hung off of your shoulders and laughed all night! i just don't understand how you don't understand how much it hurts my feelings. i'm a human too! how would you feel if my ex, who was very clearly interested in me, hung around me right in front of you?" and it's like you're explaining empathy to a child.
"me? i wouldn't give a fuck because it's not that serious," he replies with a slightly irritated shake of his head.
it's always like this. always. you're always the one who cares more between the two of you. you were the one who asked him out in the first place. you were the one who initiated your first kiss. your first fight. hell, even your first reconciliation. you're not stupid, you know he doesn't feel quite the same way you do, but he has to feel something, right? otherwise, why would he say yes to you when he's rejected so many other women? your brain hurts trying to wrap your head around it all.
"you're missing the point! if you were me, you would—" you begin frustratedly, but you cut yourself off. "you know what? i don't even have the energy to explain this to you. i don't understand why i have to explain basic human emotion to you and i really don't understand why i have to beg and plead for you to care about how i feel!" you all but shriek.
"you don't have to do shit, just leave if you're that fucking unhappy," he spits out angrily, which is the first real emotion — besides mild annoyance — you've seen out of him this entire conversation. he gets impatient when you're like this, which usually results in you relenting, but not tonight. you're far too hurt to let go so easily.
"you're right! i am unhappy! i just — why don't you care that i'm unhappy? what can i do to make you give a fuck about me?" you have a brave face on but you can feel your eyes getting hot and your voice trembling ever so slightly.
"you could try not being so damn needy, maybe that'd help."
your eyes redden even further and your lips unintentionally twist themselves into a sour frown. you hate it when he calls you needy because you do need a lot from him, it feels like. his time. his care. his attention and affection. yet you never seem to get it.
"do you not love me? like at all?" you ask. all of the venom in your tone has been sucked out mercilessly and you sound more helpless than angry.
"do you not realize how fucking crazy you sound?" he scoffs as if he can't fathom why you'd be upset. as if he's not watching you break down in real time.
"why won't you give me a straight answer?" you question, voice softer than it was before.
he does nothing but scowl and you know beomgyu well enough to know that he's avoiding your question. that's enough of an answer as it stands, really. he doesn't care. never has. probably never will.
"then why'd you even say yes to dating me?" you truly don't understand. you thought you were different. you thought he saw something in you he didn't see in his harem of other suitors, and trust that there were many.
"i dunno. i was just bored, i guess," he answers with a shrug and your world as you know it collapses. the man you love sees you as nothing more than a way to kill time. he's picking you up right now just to toss you away when the next shiny toy presents itself. and so far, you've let him drag you around because you love him. that's how much you love him. but looking at him now, at how unbothered he is, you wonder if you've even got anything left to give.
"i really do love you," you manage to squeeze out with a bitter smile. your poor heart is on display for the naked eye to see and it seems like he really couldn't care less, but that won't stop you from asking. "does that mean anything at all to you?"
"well, i'm sorry you feel that way," he says simply, "but that's not my fucking problem."
your heart sinks to your stomach and you feel like you're going to throw up. in this moment, as you watch the love of your life dismiss you like you're a fucking dog begging for scraps of food, you feel an overwhelming sense of clarity as you realize he doesn't love you. he doesn't even like you. he probably hates you, actually. like a mental montage, every moment in which he showed you that exact sentiment plays all at once in your head.
all those times you let him choose everything from movies to dinner because the idea of a compromise was inconceivable. all of those occasions, special and otherwise, where you were supposed to go out on a date, but he'd bail without a word and you'd forgive him with no apology. when you'd offer him your share of dessert because he ate all of his and you knew he wanted more, and he'd take it without so much as a thank you. how you'd sit and listen to him tell stories about how amazing his friends were, but he'd never even ask about your day. when those same friends would jokingly call you the perfect girlfriend and you thought it was an indication of how good your relationship was, but in reality, it was a way to tease him because the thought of actually being with you was so abhorrent and ridiculous that it must be a joke. all those times you told him you loved him and he'd just smile and kiss you deeper. memories like these flood your brain with a vengeance so cruel it makes your head ache, and in a way, you realize it's ridiculous to be surprised when there was so much proof of his feelings in the first place.
"oh. okay," you say with what you hope is a soft and unbothered laugh, but comes out more as a choked one. "i guess there's nothing left to say. i'll get my shit and go."
you hesitate for a few excruciatingly awkward moments before collecting yourself enough to start gathering your things, which are scattered haphazardly around his apartment from his bedroom to his bathroom. it's like a walk of shame, almost, and you feel even shittier when he plops down on the couch with a long suffering sigh as he begins to massage the bridge of his nose. you feel so small in this moment — like a petulant child who just got done throwing an unsuccessful tantrum — and you're now soaking in the sobering aftermath and sitting with the thought that he just watched you have a meltdown like he was watching a monkey putting on a show. how much more is he going to humiliate you? enough is enough, you think, so before you can actually finish collecting all of your belongings, you're scurrying out of the apartment. before you go, you glance back at him one last time. "beomgyu?" you ask tentatively, tears clouding your eyes.
"yeah?" he replies with a sigh. this is it, you think.
"i don't want to see you ever again," you say firmly. before he can reply, if he ever intended to in the first place, you slam the door.
-
there's a lot to love about beomgyu. for one, he's handsome, which is obvious, but he has a certain allure you could never help but be drawn in by. he's always been a charming man, but even more so when he's talking to a woman he's interested in. as interested as he could be, that is. he's funny and comically pompous when he wants to be, but still somehow down to earth despite it all.
he's been described as a mood-maker, and while he grew to resent that term, you thought it was at least partially true, if only in the context of your relationship. when he's sad, you're devastated. when he's happy, you're over the fucking moon. his feelings are your whole world. or were, you guess, since all that's over now.
it wasn't all bad all the time, you think. there were times where you thought he really might reciprocate even a fraction of what you felt for him, and most of the time, that was enough. you could work with that. love looks different for everyone, you would reason. maybe he just had a funny way of showing it.
there were days where you'd laugh together and end the night lying in each other's arms while you'd cradle him like he was the most precious thing in the whole world because, to you, he really was. he was normally so boisterous when with his friends, but while he would never admit it to anyone else, he'd tell you about some of his insecurities while you gently combed your fingers through his long, silky hair. he'd speak of regrets and longing for people to take him more seriously. he'd never say it, but he wanted people to see you like you saw him. the real him. you'd let him cry while your hands cupped his cheeks and you'd shush him while he fiddled mindlessly with your hair like a child. you'd kiss his the tip of his reddened nose until he laughed instead of cried. times like those, you'd really think you were someone special to him. but now you realize you were wrong. you were just an outlet for him, and anyone willing to be an emotional dumping ground would do the trick too.
after a few weeks of moping, your sadness has begun to morph into anger and resentment. you spent nearly a year of your life trying to make an emotionally stunted man care about you, and that's not even counting the years of pining over him before you finally worked up the courage to ask him out. it was difficult to see it in the moment, but after being away from him for so long, it's crystal clear that he was honestly just an asshole who didn't really like you. nothing more, nothing less. maybe he'd find someone to change for someday, maybe he'd even work things out with his ex, but for whatever reason, you weren't her. that's just the way it goes, you guess. what really bothers you are the "what if's" of the situation. what if you were prettier, or smarter, or kinder. would he have seen you for who you really are? would he have grown to appreciate you if you had given him more to appreciate?
either way, there's no use crying over spilled milk now. you won't be going back to him any time soon and he certainly won't come crawling back to you. you'll continue to think of him less and less until your time together fades into a distant (and unpleasant) memory. you smile at the thought.
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Fellow Travelers Timeline
(as comprehensive as i can make it. corrections/additions welcome)
1919-20 (?) - Hawk is born
based on tennis trophy which shows year 1936, and hawk's statement that he and kenny were on the tennis team in 11th grade (16/17 years old).
also date on the paperweight (1937) that hawk says kenny picked out on their senior trip. spring or fall though? if spring (usual for a senior trip, just before graduation), it would mean hawk graduated HS in 1937, b. 1919. (thanks, @lestatscunt!)
June 6, 1930 - Tim is born, on Staten Island, NY
birthdate/place shown on army application in ep 5
Gemini, with moon in Libra
>>> With a Gemini Sun Libra Moon, emotional equilibrium is hard for you to maintain in a world of constant flux and tension. Since you are not responsible for the woes and upsets of those around you, you should not feel so duty-bound to assuage their wounds or mediate every conflict that happens to come your way.
>>> your natural diplomacy, extraordinary perception and insight can all be applied creatively in such fields as politics, social work, and the mass media.
>>> your extreme open-mindedness would probably enable you to almost any life-style. You have a universal quality about you that transcends culture, religion, ideology, or any other barrier that divides mankind.
Fall 1937 - Spring 1941 - Hawk attends "Penn", presumably the University of Pennsylvania. (assuming hawk b. 1919)
(this is very very long, the rest is under the cut)
December 7, 1941 - bombing of Pearl Harbor, US enters WWII
??? - Hawk joins the army (along with Kenny), and is sent to Europe.
January 9 – August 15, 1945 - Battle of Luzon, where Kenny dies.
September 2, 1945 - Japan surrenders, US exits WWII
February, 1949 - Hawk starts working at the State Department
Hawk says in 1x04 (Dec 1953) that he's been working at the State Dept for "four years and ten months".
"I came out of the war with four assets: degree from Penn, a hero's war record, no particular political ideology, and a passing acquaintance with three languages. Throw in a talent for prevaricating and a taste for travel and fine clothes, you have the makings of a competent, mid-level Foreign Service bureaucrat."
Fall 1948 - Spring 1952 - Tim attends Fordham University, graduating with a degree in political science and history.
1951 - Hawk starts work for the Bureau of Congressional Relations
Tim mentions Hawk's been working there for two years during their meeting on the bench.
1952 - Tim works "the New York campaign" (presumably for Eisenhower).
1952/3? - Tim interns for three months at the Star, in the mailroom.
November 4, 1952 - Election Night, Eisenhower (R) wins the presidency. Tim/Hawk first meet and are instantly smitten. (ep 1)
February 16, 1953 to March 10, 1954 - McCarthy Hearings, part 1.
The first consisted of a series of hearings conducted by McCarthy, as the subcommittee’s chairman, throughout 1953 and early 1954 in which McCarthy alleged Communist influence within the press and the federal government, including the State Department, the U.S. Army, and the Government Printing Office.
March 5, 1953 - Stalin dies.
Late March, 1953 - Hawk/Tim second meeting
After Hawk meets Tim at the park bench, he attends a hearing where Marcus says Cohn has brought David Schine on, and then later at their lunch Senator Smith says, "McCarthy is sending Cohn and his sidekick to Europe..." This article, dated April 19, says that Cohn and Schine have been in Europe for two weeks.
Hawk mentions that it's near the end of the month, police need to make their quotas.
April 27, 1953 - Executive Order 10450 signed. Hawk goes to Tim's apartment and tells him about Kenny. (ep 1)
June 6, 1953 - Tim's 23rd birthday (Hawk 'misses' it because they weren't talking for 4 weeks. belated celebration in ep 3.)
June 15, 1953 (?) - date of the newspaper Tim is reading just before he goes to visit Hawk in ep 2, where Hawk makes him write the letter to Mary. I'm choosing to believe this is a mistake on the show's part, because this would mean that Hawk has already missed Tim's birthday.
June 19, 1953 - Julius and Ethel Rosenberg's execution. Hawk comforts Lucy about this at the end of ep 2. So, likely Hawk and Tim had their big fight very shortly before Tim's birthday, and weren't talking from end of May - end of June.
End of June, 1953 - at the end of ep 2, Tim says it's been 4 months since his last confession, making his last (proper) confession the end of Feb or beginning of March. (ie, before he meets Hawk again).
End of June or beginning of July, 1953 - weekend trip to Rehoboth Beach (ep 3)
November 1953 - G. David Schine drafted into the army (ep 3)
Christmas 1953 (ep 4)
March 16 to June 17, 1954 - Army-McCarthy Hearings (part 2) (ep 5)
The second phase involved the subcommittee's investigation of McCarthy’s attacks on the U.S. Army. Known as the “Army-McCarthy hearings,” they were broadcast on national television and they contributed to McCarthy’s declining national popularity. Five months later, on December 2, 1954, the Senate censured McCarthy.
June 6, 1954 - Tim's 24th birthday
June, 1954? - Tim/Hawk break up, Hawk proposes to Lucy (ep 5)
I believe this happens at the tail-end of the Army-McCarthy hearings, so before June 17th.
Fall, 1954 - Sen. Smith's funeral
based solely on fall foliage in this screenshot:
Late Nov / Early Dec, 1954 - Tim enlists in the army
based on army application: birthdate 6/6/30, age: 24 years, 6 months
Late Nov / Early Dec, 1954 - Hawk/Tim last meeting in the tower
based on the radio program Tim is listening to, which says, "Chief Counsel Roy Cohn has resigned from the committee. And Senator McCarthy, his approval ratings plummeting, faces censure or even expulsion from the Senate."
Tim leaves for Fort Dix, for training, but is later stationed at Fort Polk, in Vernon Parish, LA. (thanks, @jesterlesbian!)
December 2, 1954 - the Senate censures McCarthy.
Summer or Fall 1956? - Tim's letter (that lucy burns) (ep 6)
Flashbacks, for context:
"Since he's giving up his apartment, Hawk insists on having a lair in the woods." // "I'm surprised that he finally agreed."
Lucy lets contractor go. // "Give me a baby."
Hawk is reading the Bristol Daily Courier, a paper located in Bristol, PA, a town in Bucks County, outside Philadelphia. I can't find any info on the one headline I can read though ("Heath Carlson breaks arws deadlock, locals proud"), so can't date this properly.
Lucy cleaning out Hawk's apartment, finds paperweight, sees Tim drop off letter.
"I went into the Army to get away from you. I thought time and distance would help. But it hasn't." If Tim sends the letter in summer 1956, it's been a year and a half since he enlisted.
Biggest question here: did lucy ask for a baby before or after she read Tim's letter??? the flashbacks don't answer this definitively.
October, 1956? - Lucy becomes pregnant with Jackson (see note under April 1957)
October 23 – November 4, 1956 - Hungarian Revolution of 1956
October 23, 1956 - April 30, 1957 - Hungarian Refugee Crisis
November 8, 1956 - Operation Safe Haven commences
President Eisenhower declared that 5,000 Hungarians would be awarded visa numbers remaining under the 1953 Refugee Relief Act
Spring 1957? - Tim sends telegram. It looks like 05-??-???? to me, which doesn't really make sense if McCarthy died on May 2nd, but it's hard to make out. or maybe telegrams used the date format dd-mm-yyyy.
April 1957? - Tim/Hawk first meeting, Lucy at least 5 (or 6? or 7?) months pregnant
You should feel your baby's first movements, called "quickening," between weeks 16 and 25 of your pregnancy. If this is your first pregnancy, you may not feel your baby move until closer to 25 weeks.
25 weeks ~= 6 months, and it still seems novel to her, so let's say she's approx. 6 months pregnant here.
May 2, 1957 - Joe McCarthy dies.
May 6, 1957 - McCarthy's funeral. Tim's first visit to Hawk's apartment (ep 8)
June 6, 1957 - Tim turns 27.
June or July, 1957 - Jackson born (based on dates above)
1958? - Kimberly is born. (estimated bc she looks the same age or older than Jackson, so assuming she's a year younger at most.)
August, 1965 - President Johnson signs a law making it a federal crime to destroy or mutilate [draft] cards.
October 15, 1965 -David Miller publicly burns his draft card, becoming the first person to be prosecuted under that law and a symbol of the growing movement against the war.
May 17, 1968 - the Catonsville Nine took 378 draft files from the draft board office in Catonsville, Maryland and burned them in the parking lot. (inspo for Tim & co. thanks @brokendrums!)
November 1968 - ep 6. Hawk is 48, Tim is 38, Jackson is 11.
based on this newspaper screenshot when Hawk is talking to Marcus on the phone about Tim
November 1968 - May 1970 (earliest) - Tim in prison. (he says in ep 7 he was in prison for a year and a half. this assumes he went to prison right away, but it could have been several months later if he was awaiting trial/sentencing.)
1970? - After prison, Tim moves to San Francisco and gets his counseling degree.
Mid-late 1970s - Tim earns his C-SWCM qualifications, requiring:
A Bachelor’s degree in social work from a graduate program accredited by the Council on Social Work Education
Documentation of at least three (3) years and 4,500 hours of paid, supervised, post-BSW professional experience in an organization or agency that provides case management services
Current state BSW-level license or an ASWB BSW-level exam passing score.
nb. because Tim already had his bachelors (from Fordham, majoring in history), I could see him entering a much-accelerated BSW program, transfering a lot of credits from his previous degree. That would give him maybe 2 more years of university, plus the required 3 years of post-BSW work = 5 years minimum before he earns that business card.
February 4, 1977 - Fleetwood Mac's album Rumours is released, including the 1970s Tim/Hawk anthem, Go Your Own Way
October, 1978 - Jackson dies
November 27, 1978 - Harvey Milk assassinated
May 22, 1979 - Harvey's 49th birthday (celebrated in ep 7)
1986 - ep 8
how long was Hawk in San Francisco? Timelines for the events below may be fudged in the show, bc I doubt he was there for 5 months.
March, 1986 - Roy Cohn's 60 Minutes interview, which the gang watches in ep 4.
April 15, 1986 - US bombs Libya. in the first episode you can hear reference to this on the radio, before Hawk leaves for San Francisco. (thanks @aliceinhorrorland93!)
July 27, 1986 - In California, Gov. George Deukmejian vetoes a bill that would have defined AIDS as a physical handicap calling for entitlement to protection under the state's civil rights laws.
August 2, 1986 - Roy Cohn dies (ep 8)
Late 1986? - the fundraising gala that Tim crashes, shortly after Cohn's death.
September 1986 - The State Legislature has passed another bill [in addition to the one vetoed on July 27]. Mr. Deukmejian, a Republican running for re-election, has indicated that he will probably veto the bill. (nb, this is likely the bill that Tim & co want to pressure the governor to sign).
October 11, 1987 - AIDS memorial quilt first displayed (ep 8)
--
this was a collaborative effort! many thanks to @ishipallthings for many of these details, as well as @startagainbuttercup , @alorchik, @itsalinh and others in the FT discord!
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