#(and is going to stay dead bc i need to commit to writing decisions even when they're sad)

[ghostwise]

One thing that happens to me when I’m writing a character’s backstory is that, because I hate backstories involving grief/death, I wind up with tons of presumed dead but still alive characters. So if I decide to give someone a meaningful loss for character development... I will almost immediately say ‘ah! but what if they’re not really dead?’ and it becomes a ‘character seems to come back from the dead after being assumed dead by the protagonist’ trope.

This happens to TONS of my characters. smh

[infinitebells]

so, angst. being moran's childhood bsf so when he becomes colonel you're like "you better come back or i'm dragging you back haha" and he teases you bc "aw you love me that much you'll actually go to war?" and he sees how upset you genuinely are and he's like "of course i'm coming back" but surprise u hear he's kia and you're a wreck so when he DOES come back you're a mess of tears and sputtering bc "you were dead!" cut to him holding u in his arms and telling u he loves u - ruby anon

i have stayed up thinking about this for two nights straight and every time i do i change it up a bit so hopefully my thoughts are more coherent on paper. also i lowkey made myself cry writing this

✧ he was literally your best friend, you were never apart from him for more than a day unless one of your families was traveling

✧ you’d known him since you were both kids, having lived next to each other your entire lives

✧ you two would always be seen running around the town and laughing

✧ he was so so protective of you, he got into fights with boys who would tease you or make fun of you

✧ the older you two got, the more it was painfully obvious that you were in love with each other

✧ through your teenage years he’d do anything to have alone time with you, sneaking into your room at midnight to stay up and talk with you, pulling you to a random meadow so you guys can have lunch, anything to be with you

✧ as you got older though, your parents were less inclined to let you two hang out since moran needed to focus on his education and you needed to learn how to be a ‘proper lady’

✧ hence the need to sneak into your room in the middle of the night to spend time with each other

✧ when he found out he had made colonel and he was being shipped off in two weeks, he was devastated that he had to leave you

✧ that night you could tell something was off with him, he was quieter than usual and couldn’t meet your gaze

✧ when you asked him what was wrong, he didn’t say anything at first, until he reached out and pulled you into his lap so that your legs jutted out over his left leg and the temple of your head was pressed to his chest

✧ he could barely get the words out, his voice so low he was scared you wouldn’t be able to hear, but the way your body stiffened slightly allowed him to realize you did

✧ he held his breath, waiting for you to say something until he felt you shift in his lap, turning so you could face him, legs straddling his waist before wrapping your arms around his waist and putting your head in the crook of his neck, congratulating him with a shaky voice for doing such a good job

✧ he holds you tighter against him, swallowing the lump in his throat

✧ he can feel you trembling in his arms, but he doesn’t say anything until you pull yourself out of his neck and give him a wobbly smile, tears in your eyes

✧ “you better come back or i’ll drag you back myself”

✧ he knows you’re just trying to be your usual sarcastic, witty self to try and push through the reality that the love of your life your best friend is leaving and may never come back

✧ he laughs, grabbing your face and keeping it gently in his hands

✧ “aw, you love me that much that you’ll actually go to war?”

✧ when he finishes talking, the tears in your eyes spill out involuntarily, and your head drops from his hands to try and hide your tears from him

✧ he realizes how upset you truly are, grabbing your face again and bringing your forehead to his, wiping your tears with the pads of his thumbs

✧ “i’m coming back princess, i promise”

✧ when you open your eyes and look up, you realize just how close your faces are

✧ your brain short circuits and every memory you’ve had with him flashes before your eyes, and you realize way too late that “oh fuck i’m so in love with him”

✧ meanwhile in his head, he’s thinking that even with tears in your eyes he’s never seen you look so beautiful

✧ so he brings your forehead to his lips, kissing it softly before pulling you back into him

✧ the next few nights he comes over, you barely talk

✧ he knows how upset you are, so he just keeps you in his lap, brushing his fingers through your hair and telling you random stories to keep your mind off of the fact that he’ll be gone soon

✧ the night before he has to leave, you’re both deathly quiet

✧ you’re on different opposite ends of your bed, staring at the floor

✧ after another few minutes of quiet, you crawl over to him, pushing yourself into his lap so that your legs are once again over his legs and your head is resting just above his heart

✧ he doesn’t hesitate holding you close, breathing in the smell of your hair

✧ you’re scared to ask him your next question, but you push through with a very shaky voice

✧ “can you please just hold me and stay the night?”

✧ he’s quiet, terrified that this could be the last time he gets to hold you

✧ “anything for my princess”

✧ you nod against him, pulling your blanket up over you two before he settles so he’s lower on your headboard, one arm secured around your waist and the other stroking your hair

✧ that night is the only time he allows himself to cry, tears hitting the top of your head

✧ he knows you’re crying, he can feel your body shaking, but he doesn’t say anything. there isn’t anything he can say to make this any better

✧ but when he hears a choked sob, he holds you even closer to him, his eyes scrunching up because when he hears your cries, when he can feel how badly you’re shaking, he never wants to leave you

✧ you’re full on sobbing now, hiccuping every so often as you hide your face in his chest, hands balled up in his shirt

✧ he runs his hands over your back, kissing the top of your head, trying to comfort you

✧ in a spur of the moment decision, he starts humming a tune that had always been one of your favorites, hoping it would help

✧ he feels your shaking start to stop, your cries quieting, the only noise coming from you now is just occasional sniffles

✧ when you finally fall asleep on him, your tear stained face peaceful once again, he stares for a few minutes committing to memory the scene of you sleeping on his chest, hands clutching tightly onto his shirt with his arms around you

✧ once he starts to see the sky lightening, he slowly maneuvers you off of him, staring down at you one last time before leaving his ring with an ‘m’ engraved on it on your nightstand, as well as a note

✧ “i’ll come back for you princess. our story isn’t over yet, i still have things i want to tell you ok?”

✧ when you wake up and see the note and ring, you don’t hesitate to slip the ring on, putting the note in a box of your most precious keepsakes

✧ the first week he is gone, you’re utterly silent

✧ your parents heard that moran was getting deployed, and they knew you were close, so they didn’t try to comfort you because they knew you’d be inconsolable

✧ after a few weeks, you start talking more, but they know you’ll be off unless he’s back home

✧ your friends can’t say anything to help, you just change the subject every time, refusing to hear anyone talk about it

✧ it isn’t until three years later, when you’re 26 years old and he would be 28, his parents ask for you to come to their house

✧ when you get there, his mom’s eyes are red and his father is solemn

✧ your heart drops at the sight, and when they finally spit out the fact that he was killed in action, you stop breathing

✧ everything is a haze, the way they hand you his jacket that he wanted to give to you, his pocket watch that he’d left for you, and a letter he’d written in case he died on the field

✧ you don’t remember how you got home, but when your parents see you with his jacket and the watch with the letter, they know something awful has happened

✧ no tears have left your eyes, but you can hear your mom crying against your dad as you robotically make your way to your room, dropping yourself on your bed

✧ with shaky hands, you open the letter he left

✧ “hey princess. if you’re reading this, that means i broke our promise, and i’m so sorry that i did. my only motivation to come back home was you, and i’m eternally sorry for the fact that i can’t come home and be with you. there was still so much i wanted to do, to say, but i suppose i can tell you here. i love you. not the way that family loves each other but the way that i’m so desperately in love with you that when i think about you my heart beats two times faster, my palms get sweaty, and i can’t help but smile. i wanted to make you mine when i came home, but that can’t happen anymore. i’d give anything to hold you in my arms the way i did before i left, you looked so beautiful in my arms. god i miss you so much. i gotta go princess, but please know i love you so much, even in death. p.s. please keep the jacket, pocket watch, and ring. don’t get sad when you look at them, just remember all the good memories we had okay?”

✧ that’s when the tears fall, and then they don’t stop

✧ you’re screaming, sobbing, and your parents can’t do anything to calm you down

✧ your dad runs to get a doctor because the only way you’ll calm down at this point is with a sedative

✧ your mom holds you but you can’t say or do anything except cry, and cry, and cry because your childhood friend, your best friend, the one you’ve been in love with for years is gone, and you never got to tell him

✧ once the doctor gives you the sedative, your dad goes to the moran household to give her condolences, and your mother stays by your side, wiping your sleeping face with a damp cloth

✧ when you wake up, you’re completely numb

✧ after reading his letter for the first time, you put it in your box along with the note he left you before he first left

✧ for the next few weeks, you don’t speak to anyone. you’re mute, only doing work around the house, saving up for your own place because you can’t bear the thought of being in your room without him

✧ after two months, you leave your parents house, getting your own apartment

✧ your parents are understanding of the fact that you need space to yourself to get away from everything

✧ they help you move, and once you’re finally in your apartment, all you can think of is how badly you wish he was here to live in it with you

✧ you collapse on the floor, crying silently for the first time since you found out that he had died

✧ you had been wearing his jacket because it was cold outside, so you pull it even tighter around you, feeling like your chest was caving in on you from the way your heart throbbed painfully

✧ you didn’t stop crying for an hour, and when you finally did, you grabbed his watch off the kitchen counter, walking out and going to the nearest bar because you needed to be inebriated

✧ by the time you sit down at the bar, you’re completely unaware of your surroundings

✧ you signal the bartender for a whiskey, wanting to indulge in his favorite drink for old times sake

✧ as you’re sipping your glass, without your knowledge, moran is in the corner, drinking his own whiskey

✧ he hasn’t stopped thinking about you ever since he had been pronounced killed in action, wondering what you were feeling

✧ you on the other hand are so caught up in your drink you don’t acknowledge the man who slides onto the barstool next to you

✧ he taps your shoulder, and you turn to see him smiling at you

✧ he introduces himself, and you only nod before turning back to your drink, already tired of the social interaction

✧ he slides closer, asking if you’re here alone, and you nod once again, not even bothering to look at him

✧ he continues to flirt with you, and you only give half hearted replies, getting tired of him already

✧ once you feel his hand come to rest on your thigh, you fly up and clock him in the jaw, sending him flying off the stool and onto the floor

✧ everyone in the bar, including moran, looks up at the commotion

✧ he’s frozen, watching you stand furiously over this man who’s cowering on the floor before you

✧ “i’m very obviously wearing another man’s jacket, i’ve got a ring on my finger, i’m barely responding to you and you still continue to flirt with me? my husband died in the war two months ago but before he left he still taught me how to fight so unless you want your ass beat, i suggest learning some fucking boundaries,”

✧ with that, you storm out of the bar, and moran in a trance follows you, kicking the guy on the floor on the way out

✧ you’re fuming, shaking in anger, so much so that you don’t realize that moran is following you, in awe of how much more beautiful you’ve gotten

✧ by the time you’ve reached your apartment, you’re still shaking, but this time you’ve got tears in your eyes

✧ when you hear a knock on the door, you wipe your eyes and open the door

✧ there stands colonel sebastian moran, and you can’t breathe

✧ he’s there, in a jacket matching yours, black pants, black boots with a brown top, and a gray button up underneath his jacket

✧ his hair is longer now, and he’s bulked out, much taller than you compared to before when he was only three quarters of a foot taller, but he’s here

✧ “so i’m your husband now? i’d love to have had an invitation to the wedding”

✧ he sounds more in awe that you’re here in front of him, but hearing his voice again makes everything crash down onto you, and you collapse on your knees sobbing

✧ he rushes down to your level, closing the door before catching you before you hit the ground, holding you impossibly close to his chest as he devolves into tears, his heart breaking at your heart wrenching sobs

✧ “you were dead! you were dead, you were gone, and, and-“

✧ “i’m here. i’m here and i’m not leaving i promise”

✧ you pull back from his chest to grab his face and smash your lips onto his, tears still streaming down both of your faces

✧ his arms envelop your waist, both of you kneeling on the ground with your lips on each other’s

✧ your kiss is desperate, needing to feel him against you to know he’s really there and not just a figment of your imagination

✧ he kisses you back with just as much fervor, his body pressed to yours because it’s been almost three years and he needs to feel you against him once again

✧ when you finally pull back, you aren’t crying out of overwhelming sadness and shock, you’re smiling with tears of joy in your eyes, foreheads resting against each other

✧ “i’m in love with you sebastian”

✧ “i’m in love with you too princess, but i was supposed to be the first one to say it”

✧ you laugh through your tears, holding him closer to you because he’s finally home in your arms

✧ he picks you up, wrapping your legs around his waist and carrying you to your bedroom before laying down against the headboard with you in his arms and on his lap

✧ he peppers kisses all over your face, holding your face in his hands once again

✧ he pulls back once again, looking you up and down

✧ “you look really beautiful in my jacket princess”

✧ “i’d look good out of it too”

✧ his eyes widen before he’s flashing you that smirk that always has you swooning

✧ he promises that he’ll get you out of everything you’re wearing another day, but for now he just wants to hold you again in his arms

✧ he pulls both of your jackets off, kicking his shoes off as you take your own off, before he’s pulling you back to him

✧ you fit perfectly in his arms once again, and when he has your head resting against his chest once again, with your blanket pulled up over you two, he has to hold back tears of happiness feeling you with him once again

✧ “how about tomorrow we start planning that wedding that i missed huh?”

✧ “i knew you’d bring that up”

✧ “well i was planning on marrying you once i came back, and i still intend to”

✧ “good, i wouldn’t want anything else”

[e-vasong]

Leverage AU ideas

Submission (Hey, it looked like tumblr sent this to me under your real name, so I’m not gonna say who submitted it just in case that was an accident, but @ submitter if you want credit feel free to hit me up with a URL or something, or reblog this and @ me or whatever!):

 Idrk how tumblr works but, for your leverage au: Vanya is Reggie’s real daughter which is why she has the violin but she was neglected bc reggie was obsessed with the others. The others are jealous of Vanya for her normal life/being Reggie’s real kid.

Eventually however she comes to the for help (probably bc of Lenard) and she helps them and they become a real family.

Maybe at some point she gets infected with a bio weapon that could kill everyone (maybe lenard tries to sell it to the commission) or learns dangerous information and they all have to save Vanya!

Oh God.  (Presuming these are about the Reginald-As-Archie-Raises-The-Kids-As-Criminals AU.)  These are so good.

The others are all homeless kids or kids from the system that Reggie plucked out and adopted because he saw tendencies in them that he believed, with training, could make them the best team of criminals around.

And this all translates so well to the canon dynamic where Vanya/the rest of the family both don’t really process the abuse endured by the other party.

Reginald neglects Vanya in favor of the others; tells them they have potential.  And when Vanya asks to join in on the lessons he tells her that she has no talent at all.  He tells her again and again how he chose the others, and the implication is clear.  That if it had been up to him, he never would have chosen her at all.

Meanwhile, the others are jealous of Vanya, Reginald’s biological kid.  They’re always aware, on some level, that he only took them in because he thought they might be useful--that it was money and power that brought them into his care, as if he’d bought them.  That he could always just...put them back, in a way they feel he can’t do with Vanya.  They look at Vanya, who spends her days practicing the violin and studying normal school subjects while they have to devote their days to things like disabling laser grids, swindling people out of their funds, and getting beaten into the ground in martial arts training, and they’re--they’re jealous.  Of course they are, even if they don’t know it.

It takes them a long time (though not as long as in canon, I think) to realize they never should have blamed each other.  It was always their father.

Instead of writing a tell-all book, Vanya turns over a bunch of information to the FBI.  Their father gets arrested, a handful of the siblings get their covers blown on an important job and almost get killed by the mark’s henchman.  It’s a shitshow all around.  Their dad’s the only one to go to jail, though before he serves any real time a sniper takes him out through a courthouse window.  They can’t figure out who did it; the mystery haunts them all for years.  The others don’t get caught, but they’re still furious that Vanya almost got them killed.

(And later, much later, Vanya will join up with her family to run a con.  Some of them haven’t let go of their suspicion and hurt yet.  She doesn’t quite blame them, but it still stings.  But here’s the thing.  There are always people out there looking to exploit weakness.  And Vanya will argue with her siblings.  Diego will snap: don’t pretend like you care, you almost got us killed!

And Harold Jenkins will be waiting.  Once a young homeless thief and grifter himself, Harold heard of Reginald Hargreeves collecting prodigious young criminals off the street and begged, begged Hargreeves to take him in.  Hargreeves had sniffed, shouldered the child out of the way.  If you really had any talent, Hargreeves had said, you would have conned me into it.

But Reginald Hargreeves’ vision had always been flawed.  Harold is no perfect criminal, but he’s a dangerous one.  And when Vanya storms out of the team’s homebase in the torrential rain, Harold pops his hood up, plasters the gentle, personable smile of Leonard Peabody onto his face, and sets his con into motion.)

They all split ways for a while, the way I described in my other post.  Allison keeps grifting.  Falls in love with a mark, Patrick, at one point.  It ends badly.  Ben and Klaus are a hacker/thief duo, except Ben has more scruples about who they victimize than Klaus, and it makes things tense as hell between them sometimes.  Diego is working as a ‘retrieval specialist’ with an intense moral code and a willingness to turn on anyone that hires him if they prove themselves shitty enough.  Luther gets out of the life and goes to live in the same apartment complex as Vanya.  They end up staying close the whole time, with Vanya giving music lessons out of her apartment and Luther teaching martial arts classes.

And then they all get a missive.  An invitation, a promise of a job.  Luther almost throws it away, but Vanya stops him.  We should check it out, she says.  And so they do.  And there they find all the others: Diego, Allison, Klaus, and Ben.

And Five.  Five, the brother they’ve long thought dead.  He looks tired.  And after he fields their frantic embraces, their questions, and even lets them cry on him a bit (though he doesn’t look very happy about it), he leans back, and he tells them he has a job to offer them all.

He gets a chorus of rejections almost immediately.  Vanya presumes she isn’t invited.  Luther says he’s out of the game, and Allison says she’s trying to get out.  Diego mainly seems skeptical that Five has anything worth offering.  Klaus wants to go back to his apartment and not take jobs that are like, hard, or anything.  Low risk only, please.  Come on, Ben, let’s go.

Ben shoots Klaus a furious glare.  Actually, he says.  I can make my own decisions, Klaus.  I want to hear what Five has to say.

Five has to repress a grin. Ben has always been Five’s favorite brother.

Five puts a manila folder on the table.  His siblings pick it up, start passing it around.  It’s not long before they’re frowning, clearly distressed by what they’re reading.

“His name is James Moore,” Five says.  “He’s seven years old.  He has a rare blood disease, but there’s a new experimental treatment that his doctors believe could save his life.  His insurance company is refusing to pay for his treatment; they keep forcing the family to jump through loopholes.  It’s a, uh, company policy that they didn’t include in the contract.  Stall paying for treatment until it’s too late.  Commit a moral atrocity, let innocents die, profit.  Y’know how it goes.  Age old story, really.”

“I don’t con sick people,” Diego says, and Five rolls his eyes.

“Good, because that’s not what I’m suggesting.”

“The insurance company?” Allison catches on first.  Ben follows suit, eyebrows shooting up as he realizes what Five is saying.  “You’re suggesting we con Perseus Insurance?  Owned by one of the most powerful men in the world?  That Perseus Insurance?”

Five leans forward, rests his elbows on his knees.  He’s planned this speech.  He has a plan to take down the Commission, but it involves moving a lot of pieces very, very slowly.  And if he can take down some other bad people along the way?  Good.  But he needs a team he can trust.  He needs his family, which means this pitch needs to work.  

“The rich and powerful take what they want,” Five says slowly.  “Right now, James and his family,” he gestures to the Moore file, “are suffering under an enormous weight.  I’m suggesting that we provide...leverage.”

[sewerpigeonart]

literally no one asked but that’s never stopped me before; my inhibitions are low bc i’ve been awake since 4am and idk if any of this is even going to make sense when anyone reads it but i want to talk about my 𝑓 𝑒𝑒 𝑙 𝑖 𝑛 𝑔 𝑠

having to choose between hawke and alistair in the fade is literally like the most stressful video game decision i have had to make—and actually, considering i’ve done alternate playthroughs where i choose each of them, i still technically haven’t “chosen” because it’s. so. hard.

if Loghain or Stroud are the warden, they’re obviously the expendable option because loghain has no rights and stroud simply isn’t a character the player was given the opportunity to emotionally invest in.  unless you make a specific party decision in da2, you never even meet him. but when it’s between alistair and hawke, now the emotional stakes are astronomical, because not only is it hard for me to pick on an emotional level, even when thinking in terms of narrative for each of these characters it’s hard to decide which is the better option.

we’re invested in both these characters; we traveled with alistair through origins and either romanced him or became his best friend through our wardens, our wardens with whom i think most players have also developed an emotional attachment to because they’re our own characters.  and hawke was our character in da2, and you could sort of “mold” him into one of three general personalities, he’s still a pretty strong character on his own, regardless of if he’s snarky or angry or benevolent.  and sort of opposite the case with alistair, we know that hawke’s friends are attached to him.

so now it’s down to the wire and you gotta pick one. there’s no other way out. it sucks. and i think on one hand i can actually appreciate that because it means the games did a good job of making me care about not only both of these characters themselves, but their impact on the characters around him.  when i think of sacrificing hawke, my mind at once goes to varric, the living hawke sibling, and the love interest.  with alistair, my mind goes to my warden, who in terms of the game itself isn’t a strongly defined character because like most custom protagonists a lot of the emotional investment comes from our own imaginations and projections. but in that regard it’s like the relationship to alistair is more personal to the player themselves, in my opinion.  when choosing who to sacrifice, i think about who is going to hurt.  i literally burst into tears when i played the hawke route and varric comes up to you in adamant and says, “where’s hawke?” like i fuckin lost it man lmao, and when you talk to him later and he tells you the story and they play hawke’s theme sadly in the background?????? im like im going to pass away now but ANYWAY

so not only do i think about the emotional consequences on hawke and alistair’s companions (and myself), i struggle to choose which option is better narratively. because i feel that both of them have a very strong reason to stay behind. for hawke it’s obvious: with corypheus, it’s personal—way more personal than it even is with the inquisitor who is meant to defeat him. it’s literally in hawke’s bloodline. not only did his father cage the magister, but hawke is assuming the responsibility of “releasing” corypheus upon the world. of course he would give up everything remain in the fade and deal this huge blow to corypheus. it’s more than playing hero, it’s about vengeance for him, and you could even say it’s about protecting his family, if his sibling is a warden and if you romanced anders, protecting him too.

alternatively with alistair: all through origins alistair is characterized as believing himself expendable. “i wish i had died instead of duncan, i’ll kill the archdemon so you don’t have to,” etc. and yes he is young and insecure in origins, and it’s clear when we see him again in inquisition or even the cameo in da2, we can see him more confident, more assured, capable of making his own decisions. but—and i acknowledge this is largely headcanon, but this whole post is explaining why it’s hard for me to choose—i think especially with the romanced hero of fereldan still alive, in that pivotal moment in the fade i would assume alistair would be thinking of her, sorry to leave her and knowing she’ll be hurt but confident she could be the capable hands the wardens would need to recover, even if she is sort of in the shadows by that time, i project that the HoF would assume a sense of duty in helping them recover, even from the background somehow if she insists on kind of staying in “hiding.”

i think characterwise, alistair is always going to have some degree of innate self-sacrifice, that when it comes down to it, he’ll be the one to take the blow. so it would make sense that in the fade, he’d say “no, hawke, you go,” maybe no longer from a place of lower self-esteem like in origins, but i think in his mind, especially since he’s literally been a fugitive from the wardens, he makes the decision in a fairly rational state of mind. he acknowledges the wardens have messed up, and maybe this sacrifice can even be the start to redeeming their honor because he cares such a great deal about them. even hawke changes his tone in the final moments, saying yeah the wardens fucked up but they’re not beyond saving. so even then i think alistair would take comfort in knowing whether it be hawke or the HoF or the Inquisitor or whoever, the wardens will be left in good hands.

i know a lot of the alistair stuff is more headcanon than anything, but going off my own world history with the games and my own role play ideas and stuff, these are the associations in my head and how i interpret the cost of his sacrifice alongside hawke’s.  and i’ve even tried jotting some fic ideas exploring so many different post-fade concepts depending on which was left behind to see if i could construct some mental narrative to help me “commit” to sacrificing one of them, and in honesty, i think in the end i would go with hawke, because even though it’s more of an immediately impactful death (VARRIC IM SO FUCKGIN SORRY), it is personal, and i think that motivation is beyond alistair’s more “honorable” motivation. i think alistair could be convinced to help the wardens before hawke could be convinced to step back and let someone else take care of corypheus “for him,” for lack of a better term.

HOWEVER. it may be wishful thinking in order to cope, but i would be willing to bet that in da4, we find out whoever was left in the fade is not dead after all, because if it is hawke you leave behind, or even with alistair, these are both two protagonists that would have rather unceremonious deaths. narratively, that’s kind of lame writing if we were to forgo the closure of their actual deaths. even in the choice tree it says the person will “most likely” die; in the cut scene as the inquisitor and the non-sacrificed character run toward the rift, you see in the background the other character fight the monster and hit the ground under an attack, but we don’t see an explicit “death.”  they are then, understandably, assumed dead.  but there’s no actual confirmation. and i don’t know the writing team personally, who am i to say they’re indisputably above this, but i would like to have enough faith in them to expect they would not commit to such an unsatisfying ending for that character’s story. even with a more “expendable” character like stroud, i think there’s too many questions left behind. 

the introduction of walking physically in the fade and surviving is a huge revelation in-game. it’s reiterated that that literally hasn’t happened since the first magisters entered the black city.  that’s ENORMOUS. and if they’re only going to explore that twice—or more like one and a half times because we get the vague opening cut scene of escaping the fade, then the adamant sequence—it again feels very inconsistent and sloppy. dorian even says that essentially once people realize it is possible to survive the fade physically, they are going to try it, however unwise and irresponsible.  i think the da4 teasers alone (i haven’t followed da4 updates very closely tbh bc i haven’t been able to play trespasser yet bc i only have a ps3 and i’m trying so hard not to get too spoiled beyond the main inquisition ending asjkfd) imply our experiences with the “real” fade are so far from over.  and thus, i feel “comfortable” leaving hawke in the fade because i would like to believe he’s going to come back. i mean, he’s hawke right? and if hawke’s character can come back, that would then further suggest if you left the warden in the fade, they would have to come back too for whatever the da4 narrative might be.

ok sorry this is rly long and disorganized im bad at communicating ideas effectively but i have been thinking about this lately way more than i care to admit lmao

[mhalachai]

Hands of Clay outtake: The one where Steve tells Sharon he’s moving in with Bucky

Ever need to do something fluffy when the world is on fire?

So in the upcoming chapter of Hands of Clay (which i am working on), Bucky asks Steve if he and Clint want to move in with Bucky and Natasha. Steve will say yes (that’s not a spoiler) but I needed to write this scene that Bucky won’t be privy to as point-of-view character…

~~~ 

Steve stared down at his phone. Of all the phone calls he’d had to make as part of the process of moving in with Bucky, for some reason, he was worried about this one the most. 

And it wasn’t even based on any real concern, just… 

Steve didn’t know how he was going to tell Sharon that he and Clint were moving into Bucky’s house. 

It wasn’t like Sharon would be able to object. Steve had full custody of Clint, and was legally responsible for making all the decisions on behalf of their son. Bucky and Sharon seemed to get along.

And Clint was so happy, at the idea of going to live with his best friend. How could Sharon object to anything that made Clint happy? 

And at the end of the day, Steve and Sharon had never really been in love with each other. They’d had a kid and lived together, had been friends, with certain benefits that had continued until Sharon left the city for work, but they’d never been a real couple. 

So why was Steve so nervous? 

“Boss.” Steve looked up to find Billy poking his head through the door. “Meeting’s been pushed back ten minutes, Noh-Varr’s dealing with the printer.” 

“Okay.” Steve waited until Billy withdrew, before tapping on his phone screen. He had committed to the call with Sharon, now. No backing out. 

She answered on the fourth ring. “Steve?” she said in greeting, her voice a bit sharp. “Is Clint okay?” 

“Of course!” Steve exclaimed, wanting to kick himself. He should have texted Sharon first, to ask if she could talk. That had always been one of her things, that she might be busy with a real estate client and might not be able to talk whenever Steve called her. “Clint’s fine. He’s at school.” 

“Okay.” The tension slid out of Sharon’s voice. “Sorry. Just… you never call me.” 

“I know.” Steve took a deep breath, and plunged ahead. “You remember Bucky.” 

A moment of dead silence. Then, “Yes, Steve. I remember James Barnes, your boyfriend.” 

That was one of the other things Steve remembered about Sharon. They had such different communications styles, sometimes he wasn’t sure if she was mad or just amused. He decided to stop trying to figure her out. He was probably six years too late, anyway. “You know his daughter was sick—” 

“Is she okay?” Sharon jumped in. “Clint said on the weekend that she was all better.” 

“She’s on the mend,” Steve said, hedging a bit. Natasha was a ways away from a full recovery, but every day was a better day. “But you know, sometimes something happens and you have a chance to take stock of your life, and the people you love, and what you want out of life.”

Another moment of silence, then Sharon breathed, “Oh my god, did you two elope?

“What?” Steve squeaked. “No!” 

“Oh,” Sharon said in what sounded like disappointment. Steve did not understand that woman. “Okay, then what?” 

“Bucky asked me to move in with him, and I said yes.” Steve’s heart was pounding. He wanted Sharon to be okay with this. He needed Sharon to be okay with this. “We’re not going to wait too long, his place is closer to Clint’s school and we’re over there half nights anyway—” 

“Hang on,” Sharon interrupted with urgency. Steve’s heart sank. She sounded mad again. “Steve Grant Rogers, have you gone and given notice on the apartment?” 

Steve was getting whiplash from this conversation. “What?” 

“Have you given notice on the apartment yet?” Sharon repeated. “Please tell me you didn’t do that.” 

“Why not?” 

“Because my name is on that agreement!” Sharon exclaimed. “Do you know how much money I’m paying for a studio in Manhattan?” 

“Uh?” 

“Three times what you’re paying for that one-bedroom!” 

“So you don’t care that I’m moving in with Bucky?” Steve asked before his brain engaged. 

“You’re already practically living with Bucky,” Sharon said. “Him and Natasha, that’s all Clint ever talks about when he’s over. If you’re happy, and Clint’s happy, then I’m happy. As long as you haven’t given notice on the apartment.” This last was said with ice in her voice. 

“I haven’t given notice, Sharon, geeze.” 

“Thank fucking god.” 

“But you work in Manhattan, why would you want to spend that long on the train?” 

“Three times the rent!” Sharon said again. “Okay. I’ll take over the apartment on the day you move out. When is that?” 

“I was thinking the first of November.” 

“That’s over a month away.” 

“Yeah, well, I thought I was going to have to give a month’s notice.” 

“You can leave some of the furniture if you want,” Sharon mused. “We’ll figure out how much of Clint’s stuff stays and how much goes over to the new place so he’s comfortable. Oh, and I can finally get rid of that horrible sofa.” 

“What about the mattress?” Steve said, a little sarcastically. Sharon was taking to this idea with more enthusiasm than he thought necessary. 

“Ew, no, I’m not sleeping on my ex’s mattress.” 

Steve buried his head in his hands. “Sharon.” 

“You want to come over and sleep on my bed?” There was the sound of typing in the background. “I’m travelling in October, but I’ll send you an itinerary of when we can exchange keys and move your stuff out.” 

“Technically it’s still my apartment,” Steve complained. 

“Technically, it’s our apartment. We both signed the lease.” The typing stopped. “Does Clint know you’re moving?” 

“We talked about it yesterday,” Steve said. “He’s happy but a little nervous.” 

“Then it’s good for him that he can always come over to visit his mother and sleep in his old bedroom,” Sharon said. “This is fantastic.” 

Steve was pretty sure her mind wasn’t primarily on her son’s well-being, but having also lived the ups and considerable downs of the New York rental market, he couldn’t really blame her. “Good, glad you’re okay with this.” 

“Fantastic,” Sharon said again. “Okay, tell Clint that everything is all going to be okay. I have a meeting I have to get to.” 

“Bye, Sharon,” Steve said with resignation, and sat back in his chair as his ex hung up on him. 

Billy hovered in the doorway. “So, meeting? The printer’s fixed.” 

“Right.” Steve stood up. “Billy, do you understand women?” 

Steve’s junior event manager gave his boss a disappointed glare. “You mean the fully autonomous human beings that inhabit the world around us?” 

“Fine.” Steve picked up his laptop. “Do you understand your exes?” 

“Oh.” Billy’s face cleared. “Not really.” 

“Same.” Steve opened his phone to his texts. “Go, I’ll be there in a minute.” 

As Billy cleared off, Steve texted Bucky with, Sharon is over the moon about us moving in together. 

The immediate response of ?????? was a balm to Steve’s ego. 

She’s moving back into the apartment to pay a third the rent of her place in manhatten. 

new yrk rents suck 

I know but it’s weird 

did u want her to be mad 

No, of course not. 

good bc your a better man than tht 

shut up, jerk 

punk 

love you 

[middle finger emoji] [heart emoji] 

With a smile and a lightened heart, Steve went off to his meeting.

Everything was going to be okay.

[ellanainthetardis]

Hi :) I’m know you’ve written fics where both happen but out of curiosity, in movie!verse (which admittedly I mostly ignore hahah) do you hc effie would move to 12 when Peeta moves back? Would it have been as difficult for her to live in the capitol if she was known to have been the escort that sided with the rebellion rather than the one that everyone thought was the enemy? What do you think would be her prompt to realise she’d rather be with haymitch when it’s not her PTSD like in book!verse?

MMM that’s a very interesting question I rarely touch movie!verse post MJ. I’m not entirely a fan of a “stay sober” Haymitch (at least not until a few years down the line when he might make the decision to cut out himself, bc it wasn’t his choice to get sober in MJ and I feel like he wouldn’t stick to it but I digress). As for Effie, it’s hard to tell. I love EB to death and I love her portrayal of Effie but the way they used Effie in MJ... I can’t really get behind it. She’s acting like her most flamboyant spoiled brat self all MJ 1&2 and 13 never puts her back in her place. I’d have liked to see a transposition of the scenes with the prep teams, for instance, or something that would confront her to reality, instead I got customized uniform book!13 would never have allowed and random comic relief. 

Anyway. Back to to topic. Two options, I think. Either we consider purely movie!canon and we decides they started hooking up in 13, so when he says don’t be a stranger maybe he means that but she doesn’t take it to mean “please move in ily” bc they don’t have the “history” so to speak. In which case, I will lean more toward something where she stays in the city and take a job with Plutarch, basically filling out Fluvia’s role, by becoming his Chief of Staff or something. I do think she has the skills to go into politics, maybe not as a face but as a PR or yeah, chief of staff, or something like that. Higher up but behind the throne, you see? 

Since she joined the rebellion after the Quell and was quite publicly the Mockingjay’s escort during the war, I think most rebels would be satisfied with that and maybe conclude she’s been a part of the rebellion for longer than anyone realized and she wouldn’t deny it so... She would be okay with them, maybe even well considered... I do think she would be in hotter waters with the Capitols but since Capitols invented the game, they would pretend and be very hypocretical bc they want to survive and, while she wouldn’t believe a word or a smile and watch for the knife in her back, she would go along with the charade. 

I think she could make a successful career out of that. A career she enjoys even, because her brain would be put to use for once. And since she wouldn’t be as jadded by the war, I don’t see her ambition being put in check. I guess she would be in relationship with Haymitch but it would be long distance. Holidays, the occasional week-end in 12 or the city... 

Maybe it works out well, at first, because Haymitch isn’t used to having someone romatincally around and that’s a good transition but after a while, I do think he would get in a frame of mind where he wants something more stable and it might put tensions on their relationship a few years down the line...

I’m a romantic and I love them so I want to think they would make it but I’m not sure how much a fling that started in MJ with the movie!characterisation would really work out. Either she quits and move to 12 (but she’s so ambitious and if her career is really working well, it seems ooc) or Haymitch moves to the city (which is NOT happening) or they find some sort of in-between solution where she takes a political role as a delegate in 12 or something... 

Second, option (my default when I play in movie!verse) we consider a hybrid of (what we  think is) book!canon and movie!canon for Effie. We consider Effie  has a lot of character development pre 74th and is fully aware of the states by the time Katniss pulls out the poisonned berries and isn’t as clueless during the Tour and etc as she pretends to be on screen. So when she arrives in 13 she’s DEEPLY unhappy about having been “kidnapped” (probably bc if Haymitch had asked, she would simply have said yes), really upset by the rebels failing to rescue Peeta and mostly worried because she’s not stupid enough not to see she’s not welcome. She’s basically durmped into the enemy’s den and Haymitch isn’t even around to protect her (bc he’s in withdrawals). I like to consider book!13 when I write that verse and pretend movie!13 doesn’t exist, so she would also be “a fish out of water” - as was promised when MJ1 came out. I also like to have her wear the real uniform for that reason, I think it’s important for someone like her who always means to stand out to be forced into the ranks, because it would play on her mind and that’s interesting. 

Anyway, book!hayffie do seem to have more history regardless of if you think they were having an affair before 74th or not. They have all those “of one mind” thing and conspiracy in elevators... They do seem to have a more... real equal working relationship, meanwhile in the movie, it seems Haymitch is doing all the work.... So if we take that into account, I think, in that hybrid idea, Effie would stick with Haymitch and remain his escort (and Kat’s obviously) in 13 so she’s more involved despite the hostility she triggers. Her being more involved means she gets to see more of the horrors happening in Command. She would also, I think, be tired by all the years of dead kids. That’s something that would sit heavily on her and I’m not sure book!Effie shrugs it off as easily as movie!Effie does... 

What I like with movie!Effie though, is that she develops a real nice relationship with Katniss. That, we do lack in the books. And I really like that because I think it might come to play a role post MJ. 

Of course, when we consider post MJ we have to decide what to do there too. I don’t like the movie!MJ ending XD I don’t like that Katniss isn’t hurt/addicted and I don’t like that they ship her off right after the murder. I like the whole “suicidal/withdrawal/trial” thing better. There is SO MUCH happening beyond her room during those weeks (months?) and that’s what’s interesting because I think that’s when hayffie’s fate is decided. (either they implode in book!verse - for a little while - or they seal the fact they want to be together for hybrid movie!verse)

Anyway, if we consider the hybrid version of Effie (movie!verse but with book background and the idea that the affair didn’t in fact begin in 13) I think it’s possible she just might be exhausted and disgusted by all the politics and worried about the children enough that she would just come to 12 with Peeta. To test the water. Also she knows her feelings, she’s mostly confident Haymitch does love her, she probably simply isn’t sure he’s actually ready to have her around him 24/24 in his house. 

I mean if she and Haymitch had been dancing around the casual/not so casual thing for years, she might want to take a shot at being steady, committted while he’s miraculously willing. I can see it as a natural progress of their relationship assuming they took a big step in 13 (either by openly sharing a compartment even if it’s not official like I like to hc or even just by not systematically denying when someone assumes they’re together or even - which I think is plausible - by having an actual convo where she puts it on the table that she wants more and he actually awkwardly reassures her that he does have feelings - even if the words aren’t said yet...). 

Now if they just started hooking up in 13, I don’t think she would show up with Peeta because there wouldn’t be all the developped intimacy and trust that they need. They both have huge trust and intimacy issues. Haymitch more than Effie, granted, but I don’t think she’s the kind of girl who would drop everything to follow a guy without being 100% certain he loves her without question. She’s a romantic, no questions, but she’s also pragmatic. I’m not sure we get those conditions with movie!hayffie. 

ALSO I realize this is all my hc and basically book!verse doesn’t give us much more to go on but I really do believe with all my heart the only reason Haymitch would be open to having a romantic (committed) relationship post MJ (and take a shot at sobriety on top of it) is because of Effie, of their long complicated affair and because he realized he loved her a little too late. Two things in movie verse: either they were hooking up and he doesn’t have the *gasp she’s in the Capitol’s hands, I lost her, shit I love her don’t I?” reveal (although I guess we can still have him start realizing during VT and go from there) so the knowledge he actually wants her in his life full time is slower to come OR they start hooking up in MJ and he doesn’t have the years of denial and tentative repressed feelings so I’m not sure how we go from him being a hermit to him wanting to be committed to someone he was sure he disliked even though he was fond of her. 

And she might have the same doubts. Basically a movie!hayffie relationship would have a lot of things to work out. But the thing with movie!hayffie is that Haymitch backstory isn’t explained (is it? I don’t remember. I blacked out most of the things I was disappointed about and boy was I disappointed with the Finnick reveal scene) and Effie’s background is very unexplored so it’s kind of sandbox. I’m too fixed in my own hc and visions of the characters by now but someone else might come up with very various backstories and backgrounds and make it work better than I could maybe...  

If you read all that rambling and made sense of it, I give you a golden star. Maybe I’m way off base though. It’s been a while since I watched the movies. I really didn’t like MJ1 and 2 much. There were stuff I liked, some scenes, mostly papa!H and mama!E, obviously I enjoyed the hayffie... But idk, 13 is too different from what I pictured, not strict enough, and I’m irked every time Coin gives Katniss a peptalk that should have come from Haymitch. The lack of Haymitch is also annoying to me. He’s supposed to be a key player and he’s just in the background. Even Effie is more useful, I feel. 

Anyway, see how my brain works? You ask a question and it jumps in a thousand different directions. I’m not sure I did a good job at explaining my thoughts. 

But do share yours! I’m interested! It’s been a while since we talked headcanons and meta! I’ll put this on the tag if people are feeling like reading ramblings and discussing their own vision... 

All hcs and meta are interesting! 

[littlespoonevan]

we fall apart as it gets dark

hahaha what’s this??? who knows!!!! basically i got a serious urge to write this morning and it didn’t go away but i’m still at a lost as to what to write so here’s my go-to scene i think abt when i’m trying to fall asleep of andrew and neil staying in the interrogation room the night after baltimore. (also somewhat inspired by @nickyklose‘s post bc i think that’s what spurred me into thinking about this scene in the first place months ago???) title from i love you by billie eilish. i hope u enjoy <33

*

They ride to the police station the FBI are working out of in silence. And normally, Neil wouldn’t sit in the middle when there’s a perfectly empty seat to his left but the press of his knee against Andrew’s is grounding. (For both of them, he thinks).

Fuck, he can’t believe this. He can’t believe he can feel the heat of Andrew’s body next to him – that Andrew is next to him at all – when he was convinced 24 hours ago that he’d be dead by now. He’d said his silent goodbye to Andrew in Lola’s car, eyes closed as he’d braced himself between burns.

But now, he’s so tired he’s delirious and his head is throbbing but Andrew is here so breathing feels a little easier than it has been.

The car jolts to an unceremonious halt sometime later outside a nondescript station and their hands brush as they both reach to release their seat belts. Even through the bandages, Neil feels the slight pressure of Andrew’s fingers squeezing his for half a second before they’re gone.

Despite his exhaustion he forces himself to talk once they’re in the interrogation room, revealing everything in excruciating detail and answering every question the FBI can throw at him. Andrew’s gaze burns a hole in the side of his head as he talks but Neil doesn’t look at him, lest he lose his nerve.

After what feels like hours the questions stop and two cots are shoved into the interrogation room for them to sleep. They’re given a measly meal of sandwiches from the local deli, vending machine snacks and crappy coffee but Neil’s too tired to be hungry enough to be annoyed about it. Eventually the guard who’d been stationed in the room with them leaves with their food wrappers and doesn’t return, giving them their first moment alone since the game.

Neil stands stock still at the end of his cot, fingers catching on the scratchy blanket draped on top. Andrew’s standing opposite him and seems to be at war with himself until he takes a decisive step forward, digging his fingers into Neil’s shoulder and pulling him in for a crushing hug.

Neil is frozen for a beat before he hugs back, sinking into Andrew’s embrace and breathing in his familiar scent.

“If you ever fucking do that again, Josten-“ Andrew warns, voice bitten off and furious.

“I won’t,” Neil promises before he can finish his threat.

Andrew pulls back enough to meet his gaze. “I won’t save you,” he says and Neil believes him.

Andrew won’t save him because he’ll be too busy trying to save himself from feeling anything.

“You won’t have to,” Neil murmurs and there’s that look again – like Andrew’s fighting whatever he actually wants to say.

“You need to sleep,” he says and with that, he lets go.

*

There’s only a couple of inches between their cots. Andrew can’t remember if the guard left them like that or if he moved it himself. Either way, he’s lying on his side facing Neil and he’s too afraid to close his eyes in case he disappears again.

Neil’s also on his side – the less damaged side, without the burn on his cheek and less bruising. Andrew drinks in every inch of his frame like he’s trying to commit him to memory. (As if Neil in all forms hasn’t already been seared into his brain for all eternity.)

The sickening knot he’s felt in the pit of his stomach since Neil went missing is finally loosening, unfurling just enough that his anxiety about his feelings for Neil can take the forefront instead. He doesn’t think he can hide it anymore – not from himself at least. The thought of losing Neil had been so unbelievably unfathomable Andrew was very nearly sick with it. He’d felt the darkness creeping back in, consuming the parts of his heart he’d let go soft in all the quiet moments where Neil had prodded at his barriers.

And now? Andrew feels the beginnings of a panic attack just at the thought of being without him.

Neil’s eyes are closed, his features relaxed for the first time in what feels like forever. Andrew doesn’t know what compels him to do it but there’s a single curl laying across Neil’s forehead and before he can stop himself he’s reaching a hand out to brush it back off his face.

He’s hardly touched Neil when Neil’s eyes are opening and his fingers are wrapping around Andrew’s wrist to hold his hand in place.

They share a look and Andrew doesn’t think he’s ever seen understanding in anyone’s eyes the way he does with Neil. His hand rests against Neil’s hair, thumb sweeping out to brush against the skin just above the edge of the bandage that’s covering the burn on his cheekbone. Neil turns his head, just barely, until his lips graze the palm of Andrew’s hand and Andrew feels a light inside him that he wasn’t sure existed anymore begin to flicker.

He swallows back the words on his lips, the thoughts that almost spring forward without his permission, and gently pulls his hand back. Neil lets him.

“Goodnight, Neil,” he whispers, voice rough with something that he’s not sure is tiredness.

Neil stares at him, a penetrating stare that gets right to the heart of him and lays him bare, and then he smiles. Just slightly. “Goodnight, Andrew.”

*

[mariantoina]

so that article i just reblogged confirmed that:

1. charlotte is definitely, 100%, irreversibly, undeniably dead.

2. it was more than likely a decision from the writers room to kill charlotte off, as opposed to jessica brown findlay leaving the show of her own volition and the writers having to suddenly come up with a way to write charlotte out and have it make some sort of sense. (it still doesn’t, btw.)

so now all im wondering is... why? why did they choose to kill charlotte off right after making one of the most pivotal decisions that they could have possibly made in regards to her character? seriously, can anyone tell me what the point of charlotte being a bawd was if they were just going to kill her off after having that storyline lasting three (3) episodes?

what was the point of introducing that pincher brother as charlotte’s new rival/“love interest” (hah) if he was going to threaten the lives of her girls, be violent with her, nearly KILL her loved ones by committing arson, and then have a direct role in the fight that caused her death? what was the point of them stressing that charlotte was margaret’s heir at the end of season 2, having charlotte bring up her past conflict with margaret after she reunites with her, only for charlotte to die five minutes later before margaret and charlotte’s new conflict (margaret wanting them to go to america) can be resolved?

what was the point of having a good portion of the trailer for this season centered on charlotte? what was the point of promoting fitzwells/ladyharlot as the new main relationship of the show if charlotte was going to die three episodes into the season? what was the point? why?

and what really makes me mad is that i can definitely see what the future of the show is now that it’s confirmed that charlotte is definitely dead: her death is going to be used as a device to further the plotlines of the rest of the characters:

now that charlotte is dead, margaret is obviously going to have to stay in england and care for her family, and she’ll probably become the bawd of the greek street house again.

lucy is probably going to fall apart from grief now that charlotte is dead, and i can see her either 1. wanting to back off from her role in the harvey’s house, 2. throwing herself into the harvey’s house full-swing and isolating herself from her family bc she wants to prove that she can still be a bawd without charlotte around, or 3. going back into her obsession with death from last season and wanting to get revenge for charlotte’s death

obviously lady isabella is going to be consumed with grief because, as far as we can tell, isabella actually had feelings for charlotte, even though (according to the showrunners) charlotte doesn’t have feelings for her/thinks of their relationship as a business relationship and nothing more. and, judging by their interactions earlier in the season, im almost certain that theyre going to make lady isabella and nancy get together, which is just.. wrong. on so many levels.

lady isabella’s obvious grief over charlotte’s death will also probably serve a place in quigley and blayne’s plotlines, since they both have scores that they need to settle with isabella. my guess is that there’s going to be a rumor in the papers about isabella’s sexuality and her “close relationship” with charlotte– this will also probably tie into sophia’s elopement somehow. im confident in the theory that the footman that sophia eloped with is working with blayne, so my guess is that the footman or one of isabella’s other servants will be the one who goes to the papers with that under blayne’s guidance.

the pincher brothers are probably going to get prosecuted for their part in charlotte’s death, and, if my hunch is correct, that scene of margaret shooting someone in the trailer is going to be margaret shooting one of them– probably hal, which will traumatize/upset emily lacey, whose already going to have a rough time next episode because she knew that hal ran off to go confront isaac and charlotte and will 100% be able to connect the dots between hal, isaac, and charlotte’s death.

charlotte was well liked in the community so i expect that the entire cast will mourn her; she’ll probably have a memorial like mary cooper and kitty carter had. im expecting a montage of some sorts too

im honestly angry about this because, now that i sit down and look at it, its SO predictable how the rest of the season is going to go for the characters. i will admit that i was shocked at the plot twist initially, but now, all i feel is numbness.

charlotte’s death– if they HAD to kill her off– should have been done better than this. charlotte’s main character arcs have been about her freedom and protecting her family and her house, yet she dies in an accident over a man who almost caused her love ones to die and tried to pimp her and the girls out? and to make matters worse... none of the viewers (or even the characters in the show, really) cares about the two characters involved in her death EXCEPT for charlotte (and, apparently, emily).

the fact that the harlots writers promoted charlotte as much as they did before the start of this season, and the fact that they promoted her relationship with lady isabella so much, really proves that the writers had pretty malicious and queerbaiting intentions for this season. after hyping up charlotte, a bisexual woman, as the new main character of the show, and promoting her relationship with isabella, a lesbian, as the main romance, they turned around and not only said that “oh, there’s no REAL romance between charlotte and isabella,” but they killed charlotte off!!

and this is even worse once you take into account the amount of LGBT characters they’ve already gotten rid of with NO explanation or having it make very little sense as a whole: amelia and violet, both of whom were major characters from the start of the show, and rasselas, who, despite being a supporting character, had some of the largest impacts on the plot of the show. hell, even rasselas’s boyfriend was killed off in between season 1 and season 2!

now charlotte, and probably fredo and his boyfriend given the fact that the molly house plotline is inevitably going to go sour.

i really expected more from this show. i thought that it was better than this, but i guess i was wrong, huh? they need to do better.

[foreverandalwayscrysis]

The 100 Ask Game

I was tagged by @talistheintrovert and @prophecy-gurl, the loves of my life <3

1. What Station on the Ark would you be from? Mmm, probably Go-Sci or Alpha, since my dad was a geneticist - maybe they’d put me in Medical or something lmao.

2. What would you get arrested for on the Ark? Standing up for injustices/trying to help people who were being treated unfairly.

3. Would you take off your wristband when you landed on the ground? Yeah, I’d give it Monty.

4. What would the necklace Finn would make for you look like? (Clarke: deer/Raven: a raven duh..) Maybe a dolphin/whale or a turtle.

5. If you could resurrect any MINOR character who would it be? WELLS!!!!

6. Create a squad of 5 characters to go on missions with. Who are they? Bellamy, Clarke, Monty, Harper, and Murphy.

7. What Grounder Clan would you belong to? Either Floukru or Trishanakru.

8. What would your name be in Trigedasleng? I think they’d just change the “sha” part to a “sah” or more of a hissing “ss” sound, so it’d be Ay-sah, instead of what it is currently, Eisha (pronounced e-sha).

9. Thoughts on Finn? Some people hate him, and others love him, so I’m curious. He was a good character to have on the show and I think they wrote him well, but I definitely never loved him.

10. Be honest. How willing would you have been to take the chip without knowing all the horrible things it does? I wouldn’t have been that willing.

11. What character do you relate to most? my homegirl Clarke - we even have the dead dad category checked off!

12. What character do you like the least? Echo kom get lost. She was a grounder in a cage, and she should’ve stayed a grounder in a cage.

13. Describe your delinquent outfit. (Would you wear something like Murphy’s jacket with the spikey red shoulder patch or have a trademark like Jasper’s goggles? Be creative, yet practical) Mmm, jeans, combat boots, a full-sleeved t-shirt with either a cardigan with pockets or a jacket

14. Favorite type of mutant animal? Oooh, I LOVED the two-headed deer we saw in season 1. I wouldn’t mind more crazy forest animals.

15. What would your job be on the Ark? Medical assistant/scribe, something along those lines.

16. Would you have willingly pumped Ontari’s heart if Abby asked? Yeah, I don’t get squeamish easily (I’ve watched surgeries on YouTube aksdjlk), and if I can help Clarke in any way, I’m doing it.

17. If Lexa wasn’t Heda, but she was still alive, then who would have made the best commander? Indra by far.

18. How would you act if you ate the hallucinogenic nuts like Jasper and Monty? Honestly, I’d get super emotional.

19. How would you have dealt with Charlotte’s crime? A more John Murphy approach or Bellamy Blake approach? The Blake approach.

20. Who should have been the Chancellor, if anyone? Ideally, no one - every station/govt gets equal representation and people listen to actual problems.

21. Would you have been on Pike’s side like Bellamy or on Kane’s side? Or Clarke in Polis? Kane’s side - and maybe I’d go to look for Clarke but I’d die within a day, so.

22. Mount Weather had a lot of modern commodities. (example: Maya’s iPod) What is the one thing you would snatch while there? A tablet/phone, anything to read from or play music on tbh.

23. What would your Grounder tattoos look like? Hairstyle? War paint? No tattoos, possibly dark war paint on my face or arms, and a short-to-medium hairstyle, either a variety of braids or pinned back.

24. Favorite quote? “Your life can be more than just impossible decisions and a tragic end. You can choose to live.” - Wells Jaha

25. If all of the characters were in the Hunger Games, who would have the best shot at winning? Lincoln, Luna, Anya, Indra, Bellamy, Clarke, I can’t pick.

26. Least favorite ship? Favorite canon ship? Favorite non-canon ship? NOT INCLUDING CL OR BC OR BE 

Favorite canon ship: Marper

Favorite non-canon: Wellven, Ice Mechanic.

27. A song that should be included in the next season? If there had to be another guest star like Shawn Mendes on the show, who would you want to make a cameo? I am so behind on all music lately, it’s sad. I’d love to hear some Florence or Hozier but I really want Shawn back - he can’t just disappear!

28. What would you do if you were stuck in the bunker with Murphy for all that time? Oh gosh, um - well at least we wouldn’t go crazy from isolation alone. I’d read, sing, maybe dance around/stretch to keep from atrophying, rearrange stuff and then rearrange it again, complain about Blarke being oblivious idiots in love.

29. You’re an extra that gets killed off. How do you die? Spear! Or poisonous berries. Maybe multiple arrows.

30. A character you’d like to learn more about and get flashbacks of? MY TRUE QUEEN DIYOZA

31. A character you’d bang? Besides Bellamy? Wells.

32. Would you stay in the Bunker? Go up to Space? Or live on your own in Eden? Yeah, I’m gonna stay in Eden.

33. In the Bunker, would you follow Octavia? What would you do to pass the time underground? Unless I wanna get killed, yeah. Do the minimum to stay out of sight and her warpath. I could see myself writing diary entries I guess.

34. What crime would you commit in the Bunker that lands you in the fighting pits? Oooh - them finding my diary entries and seeing how negatively I feel towards Blodreina.

35. Up in Space, who would you bond with first? Who would be the most difficult for you to get along with? Either Monty or Harper. Echo and I will not be friends.

36. How long do you think you would last on Earth by yourself? I honestly don’t know. I’d like to think I’d make it a year.

37. When the Eligius ship lands what do you do? Ahaha, run and hide, possibly misguide them if I can do it safely.

38. Favorite Eligius character? Least favorite? Favorite: DIYOZAAA. Least and worst: McCreary.

39. Would you Spacewalk? Maaaybe? I have a fear of heights and assuming it’s lessened and/or gone by the time I’ve gotten used to space, I’d be open to the idea.

40. Would you prefer to eat Windshield Bugs, Space Algae, or Bunker Meat? Windshield Bugs, baby.

41. Would you start a war for the last spot of green on earth? What would your solution be to avoid it? No, the war wouldn’t solve anything. It’s all about compromise - everyone wants to live, and people like to stay in their communities, so we’d need to figure out a way to build cities/towns that help all different kinds of people. 

42. Would you rather dig out flesh-eating worms or stick thumb drives into bullet holes? Dig out flesh-eating worms, no doubt.

43. Are you willing to poison your sister for the Traitor Who You Love? What would you do to stop Octavia? If my sister became Octavia-levels of crazy, yeah, but I’m not a shoot-first kinda gal so I’d try to reason and logic my way into dismantling everything.

44. Would you go to sleep in cryo or stay awake like Marper? I would sleep, but it can depend on who else wants to stay awake.

45. Who are you waking up first to explore the new planet? My faves, Bellamy & Clarke, followed by Miller, Murphy, Raven (staying on the ship), Diyoza, Shaw, and Emori. And if someone needs to be the scapegoat, Echo.

This was super long but I had fun answering these questions!! Tagging a few people below: @lameblake @chase-the-windandtouch-the-sky @captaindaddykru @nvermindiseeyou @clarkgriffon @anne-shirley-blythe @hopewolves @chants-de-lune @goddess-clarke @aainiouu @loveisalwayswise @harpermacintyre @hermionegranger @fen-ha-fuck-you @frecklessbellamy

[captaindaddykru]

The 100 Ask Game

i was tagged by @foreverandalwayscrysis even though i accidentally end up ignoring her for weeks bc i’ve migrated towards twitter. major dumb b*tch energy.

1. What Station on the Ark would you be from? probably argo station bc im from the south and im surrounded by farmers. theyre everywhere. get me out.

2. What would you get arrested for on the Ark? yelling at someone in command for being a basic bitch? fighting for equality? stealing meds for the poor?

3. Would you take off your wristband when you landed on the ground? if bellamy asked me to? y-yeah.

4. What would the necklace Finn would make for you look like? (Clarke: deer/Raven: a raven duh..) i’d love a turtle

5. If you could resurrect any MINOR character who would it be? ok if we dont count miles ezekiel shaw bc he was in more than two eps, definitely wells.

6. Create a squad of 5 characters to go on missions with. Who are they? bellamy, clarke, raven, shaw & harper. 

7. What Grounder Clan would you belong to? there is only one kru<3<3 anyway, floukru if it was my own decision.

8. What would your name be in Trigedasleng? sumn like maksim? or just maks? idk the whole language is confusing to me

9. Thoughts on Finn? Some people hate him, and others love him, so I’m curious. did everyone try the chicken? i thought the chicken was lovely. nah, all jokes aside -- what he did to raven was absolutely disgusting, but i kind of liked his storyline. how he went from being holier-than-thou to absolutely losing his damn mind over clarke to point he shoots up an entire village of innocent people? it was interesting. but he died when he shouldve.

10. Be honest. How willing would you have been to take the chip without knowing all the horrible things it does? im not gonna take shit. grass is always greener on the other side.

11. What character do you relate to most? definitely clarke. thats why i’m so hard on her.

12. What character do you like the least? echo. groan every time i see her face.

13. Describe your delinquent outfit. (Would you wear something like Murphy’s jacket with the spikey red shoulder patch or have a trademark like Jasper’s goggles? Be creative, yet practical) oh i love this one! uhm. probably like jeans, but ripped. black ankle boots. a shirt -- something with cleavage definitely, i think a regular tanktop. a dark jacket. idk. i would always have a gun/knife holster on my thigh i think. (ok i wanna look like lara croft). and i would enjoy if i could wear any shade of lipstick. i would want that to be my trademark. i find berries or sumn in the first ep.

14. Favorite type of mutant animal? that monster spying on lincoln and octavia in the woods. wonder what happened to that one.

15. What would your job be on the Ark? something medical for sure.

16. Would you have willingly pumped Ontari’s heart if Abby asked? yeah no biggie im (almost) a nurse. ive resucitated ppl before.

17. If Lexa wasn’t Heda, but she was still alive, then who would have made the best commander? dont kill me, but definitely luna. i know she didnt want it, but she wouldve been the best fit.

18. How would you act if you ate the hallucinogenic nuts like Jasper and Monty? probably cry all night or get super giggly. either or.

19. How would you have dealt with Charlotte’s crime? A more John Murphy approach or Bellamy Blake approach? i dont believe in the dead penalty in modern times, but like she was old enough to know killing people aint right. especially not for revenge on an innocent person. so i say the murphy method.

20. Who should have been the Chancellor, if anyone? they shouldnt have one person in charge, but if they have to, i’d say clarke. fuck them old ppl tbh.

21. Would you have been on Pike’s side like Bellamy or on Kane’s side? Or Clarke in Polis? i think bellamy went through some personal stuff that made him side with pike. if i were in the situation myself i think i would be digusted by pike’s xenophobia, but if they said there was an army outside waiting to kill us. maybe i would buy it? idk. depends on if i have all the info i guess.

22. Mount Weather had a lot of modern commodities. (example: Maya’s iPod) What is the one thing you would snatch while there? MUSIC PLAYER

23. What would your Grounder tattoos look like? Hairstyle? War paint? war paint on my lips!!! and i’d wing the shit out of my eyes too. as for a hairstyle probably like a lob, sides braided back. i dont like my hair up so mostly just keep it down. tattoos? idk if we’re all dying anyway, i’d say fuck it and do a whole sleeve of flowers.

24. Favorite quote? can i be a soft bellarke bitch for a sec and present clarke’s entire speech in 4x13 or ‘if i’m on that list, you’re on that list’. that or “who we are, and who we need to be to survive are very different things”

25. If all of the characters were in the Hunger Games, who would have the best shot at winning? clarke or murphy. team cockroach bitch. is this the time i plug my own thg fics? 

26. Least favorite ship? Favorite canon ship? Favorite non-canon ship? NOT INCLUDING CL OR BC OR BE

if i cant say bellarke its gonna be a short list. canon? zaven and memori. non-canon: sea mechanic, wellven, murphamy. 

27. A song that should be included in the next season? If there had to be another guest star like Shawn Mendes on the show, who would you want to make a cameo? BIG DREAM would be taylor swift but i dont think her current era fits with the show (plus its the cw....like they gonna give up half of their yearly budget for a three sec cameo?). i think aly & aj’s new music slaps and they’d fit in the whole new earth aesthetic. 

28. What would you do if you were stuck in the bunker with Murphy for all that time? write blarke fanfic with him probably. 

29. You’re an extra that gets killed off. How do you die? i’d wanna die protecting bellamy lmao. just a full on beheading or something.

30. A character you’d like to learn more about and get flashbacks of? literally no one. they’re a season too late. ok. maybe shaw. but thats over now i guess :/

31. A character you’d bang? bellamy, clarke, raven, shaw, emori, harper, monty, wells, diyoza. its a cw show. come on.

32. Would you stay in the Bunker? Go up to Space? Or live on your own in Eden?  if i was on the show i’d go up in space to prevent becho. if you have me the choice now, i’d stay in eden.

33. In the Bunker, would you follow Octavia? What would you do to pass the time underground?  i’d definitely not eat human meat. death it is i think.

34. What crime would you commit in the Bunker that lands you in the fighting pits? tryna murder blodreina for making me eat humans.

35. Up in Space, who would you bond with first? Who would be the most difficult for you to get along with? i’d bond with monty over biology i think. i would have a hard time getting a long with murphy or echo. i love the first as a character but irl i’d kick his ass. 

36. How long do you think you would last on Earth by yourself? if i have eden? as long as i have until the next apocalypse.

37. When the Eligius ship lands what do you do? try and blow them up while they sleep or sumn? or idk. if i was alone, maybe just better to make friends.

38. Favorite Eligius character? Least favorite? diyoza+, mccreary-.

39. Would you Spacewalk? i would probably? i’d be terrified but what a way to go?

40. Would you prefer to eat Windshield Bugs, Space Algae, or Bunker Meat? ive accidentally gotten bugs in my mouth before and like i said im not eating humans, so -- space algae.

41. Would you start a war for the last spot of green on earth? What would your solution be to avoid it? war didn’t help anyone. in the end, no one got to live on earth. i’d try and compromise i guess. or once they trust me, try and kill the eligius ppl in their sleep anyway.

42. Would you rather dig out flesh-eating worms or stick thumb drives into bullet holes? stick the thumb drives into bullet holes. i have fear of ‘alive’ things being in or on the human body. 

43. Are you willing to poison your sister for the Traitor Who You Love? What would you do to stop Octavia? for clarke? yeah. if she was as loco as octavia, definitely. or i’d kidnap her and say she killed me.

44. Would you go to sleep in cryo or stay awake like Marper? sleep, definitely.

45. Who are you waking up first to explore the new planet? bellamy, clarke, raven, emori, shaw, murphy, jordan and since somebody usually dies on these explorations, i’d allow echo to come.

[thethirdwheel404]

Med Rewatch Series (#13)

S3 E13: Best Laid Plans.

Episode description: When a mother makes a decision regarding care of her vegetative adult son, Dr. Manning and Dr. Halstead and find themselves at odds.

Literally when do they not.

I am watching this while doing a voice call with a friend, so we’ll see how distracted I get.

I am literally so tired.

Let’s get into it

- connor only now noticing ava doing something she has apparently been doing forever. boy get some eyes

- her talking to patients while under anesthesia is just, so endearing. so soft.

- this is another example of ava’s ‘high risk high reward’ idea. riskier procedure for better quality of life

- sarah is so pure

- ava wearing her lab coat and gloves will never not be sexy

- ava feeling bad that connor’s patient has very little hope

- sarah’s little ‘hmm, the plot thickens’. A dork.

- me, breathless, seeing ava with her lab coat sleeves rolled up: she is very pretty

- oh yeah, they fight over the heart

- noah gets shit on so much this season

- this sarah’s dad storyline goes so hard. it’s so tense, so well done

- why does connor always look like that. so agressive. always

- the noah story in this ep is actually really funny

- HOLY SHIT SURPRISE ANGRY AVA

- I WAS NOT EXPECTING THAT

- fantastic

- god just look how mad she is. that is fantastic, she is f u m i n g

- and she has reason to be too, he went behind her back to support his patient (which, like yeah it’s smart, but too fucking smarmy)

- fuck connor. honestly. man needs to get stuffed

- ava watching karma bite the bitch boy in the ass

- she literally stands there, watching him flounder. power move

- ‘you can’t compare patients in need. that’s why there’s a list’ she is a logical person. she also follows the rules, she’s fair, and gets mad when everyone around her doesn’t (and commits malpractice)

- ava being shook when connor says ‘yeah, it’s all about the numbers’,  condescendingly.

- this is the point where all the ava haters latched on to, bc out of context this makes her look heartless. looking at the numbers and not the patient. the point is that this is incredibly hypocritical, bc ava and connor both have attachments to their patients, and connor is implying that ava has no heart, just bc she isn’t giving in a giving him what he wants? when she is just??? also caring for her patient?

- come on man. it’s so annoying. ava is seen as heartless for not caring about her patient. real classic.

- here, ava’s face, in the canon of the show, she’s reevaluating herself so that she fits the show’s standard. (emotional to the point of being idiotic, and giving connor everything he wants. like every other character)

- however, i like to think that this is her realizing (bc it is a face of realization) just how hypocritical connor is being. and how much he sucks. she realizes his flaws

- connor looking ava dead in the eyes (no emotion, btw) and saying ‘I had the lab run it twice’

- straight people are so dumb

- this is the guy you choose?

- ava’s little floundering when she turns to goodwin after connor’s patient recovers enough for the transplant. it is fantastic. i love it so much. it makes my heart go brring

- LIKE IT IS SO ADORABLE. oh wow.

- i cannot emphasize enough

- like she is at such a loss! she looks so lost! so defeated!

- (this is a really good ep for emotional ava)

- ava really calls him out: “save your self-righteous hero speech for someone else” she sees through his bullshit.

- as she walks away you can see her bring her hand to her face--- wiping tears? pressing fingers to bridge of her nose?

- he doesn’t even feel bad

- i want to write something for this episode so bad. just. something. comforting ava. she deserves someone looking out for her. just... i want to fix this ep bc its so sad

- yeah, also, think about this: connor was her only friend, and she just got completely ostracized by him

- a lot of her work conflict comes from him! and she’s her only friend! she is not doing well! someone help her (me. through reese)

- STOP MAKING AVA OVERLY SYMPATHIZE WITH HIM

- LITERALLY SHE IS THE ONLY ONE WHO CALLS HIM OUT ON HIS SHIT. DO NOT MAKE HER AGREE WITH HIM

- stop this

- HOLY SHIT SARAH’S CASUAL CLOTHES. wowie

- stop making her do bad things

- sarah’s dad has the same cups as the hospital. conspiracy

- rip off steve jobs

- YES SARAH DON’T SIGN IT

- ethan’s sister is adorable. her introduction is adorable. noah flirting with her is adorable

- i actually really like ethan’s sister.

- april being like ‘aw she seems fun’ is adorable

- ethan being embarrased is so in character and also such an older brother thing to do

- ethan being a distant older brother was one of the best things they did for his character

-  brian tee is fantastic

Okay, cool. So this episode is great if you want to see Ava actually being stressed, and showcasing emotion, which I know you do. And yeah, we’ve established that she really does feel emotion (contrary to the writers’ opinion), but here we get to really see what she’s like when she’s frustrated, when she’s at a loss. That little bit of grasping at straws she does when Goodwin lets Connor’s patient have the rights is probably one of my favorite little Ava moments.

thanks for staying with it

[survivorcordillerablanca]

Episode 8 Confessionals

This is long overdue but I've been busy because my brother got married woooo! Okay so FINALLY WE MERGED! Jordan and I survived the hell tribe and we made it here. We had to lose Jay which absolutely sucks, I feel terrible for voting him out but I did what I think was the right thing. The biggest piece of news is that I was literally on the merge tribe for like 10 minutes and ended up FINDING THE IMMUNITY IDOL!! I WAS SO SHOCKED I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT!! I haven't told anybody about it but I might....MIGHT....tell Jordan about it to show that I do trust him after wavering so much on my decision about potentially voting him out. We have an auction coming up, I hope I get something really cool from it! Bryce told me that he was the one that gave me the idol but Zach told me that he was the one that pushed for him to give it to me so I'm thankful to the both of them for that. I think I could get good with Carson, Zach, Bryce and Charlotte. Katie and I have bonded over our love of true crime, she's super nice and her connection to Jordan Pines is incredibly strong so we can do this. I believe that Copa isn't dead just yet. 

finally got into an alliance with charlotte and chris

i bid well at the auction and got a nifty apple that lets me sit out for a round #blessed

Finding out someone I want to work with is an Amy Schumer fan.... maybe shouldn't work with them :/. Jk!! But am I even DKSFJSD

zack just sent me this message "and im in kuang si (it’s a main season, if you know what those are) asdjfk" I dont know how to respond to that

Merge sweet merge! Okay so I'm officiallly in an alliance with Katie and Charlotte. We're the Senior Citizens. Katie is playing up to Jordan that she doesn't have any allies in hopes of him telling her any potential people from Ulta who might flip. Meanwhile I have to PUBLICLY pick 3 people to go to the wishing well with me. Obviously taking the Senior Citizens, but I then decided on Bryce because he was the only person not mention by Jordan as someone he thinks he's working with. Immunity just happened and as of right now I feel content with my score but some people are insane and will destroy me. I really hope I win because I feel like I'll get cut as soon as the opportunity arises.

me two days ago: I should probably try to be less hostile towards JP. me today: DISADVANTAGE GOES TO JP. i'd say i'm sorry but that would be a lie.

am i up to date on confessionals 

hope i dont go home probably should have used my advantage 

We merged!!! and im stressed as hell. i have NO idea what im doing. chris won this wishing well thing in the auction and took katie, charlotte, and bryce. so it set off alarms to me and zach so we're working on the me/willow/zach thing we were planning on before, we just have mroe of a reason now. the plan is: vote jordan pines this first round (even though hes trying to talk strategy with me and if eel bad bc i told charlotte to use the disadvantage on him) recruit luke and katie and vote chris out at final 8 and thats our plan so far bc... its hard to plan things in survivor! yeah i have no idea i hate the merge especialyl when i know where NO ONE sits

Whose got two thumbs and flopped at immunity? THIS GUY. But it's all good. We have two clear outsiders in the form of luke and Jordan. I feel bad because I genuinely like luke. I'm hoping we can get rid of Jordan and then I can swoop up precious baby luke to use him to get some of the ulta's I'm not close with out. For now, me, Katie, Carson, and charlotte are going for Jordan unless something drastic happens. 

I'm tired and I've been essentially goating myself this game yikes 

So at this point, it's the morning of the first merge tribal. Exciting? Yes! Nerve-wracking? Yes! Willow won immunity. I lowkey was going to force a tie because I know any intellectual could get 5 at most (Willow's smart, so I just expected it) then her comp adv. of -2 would ensure her a win since 3 is theoretically impossible. SHE GOT TWO! Good on her though! I overall chose not to snatch her score because I felt really bad, and it was with someone whom I potentially was going to work it or would work with. Speaking of, Willow, Carson and I formed a trio alliance. We both comprehend that the two Copa need to go soon. I think it'll be Jordan Pines this vote. However, a) I don't want Luke to go JUST yet, as we can utilize him, and b) the votes might flip and ADIOS me! I also have worrying speculation of an alliance including the newbies. This is purely because of whom Chris decided to take on his little... trip to the wishing well. It's just a little suspicious, considering Carson admitted to me he talks to Chris relatively every other day, so it was shocking. Nonetheless, it's a game decision, doesn't matter much.. My game plan from this point forward is to just try to be fairly more social. I've been talking to Chris and Katie a lil more. I'm on relatively good terms with Luke. Carson and I are best buddies. Willow is a LEGEND! - then we have Bryce, a king who I don't talk to much but is iconic. Charlotte, a literal icon. Jordan Pines! (that name along speaks for itself). It's going, I guess. We'll see ^-^

So I finally found the wishing well thing and I completed my task yay!! I can now see who votes who for one tribal but idk when im gonna use it tbh. I think I'll tell carson about it b/c hes my number 1. But for this vote i'm hoping itll be easy and be one of jordan/luke just gotta talk to the other ulta people.

Okay so I think its just gonna be the easy vote of Jordan? Hope its not too easy and im not too complacent

Here's the thing. Anyone who has ever played with me before, or knows me, knows that I pretty much play the same game. I stick with my alliance and only turn on them when I need to ... I'm not one for cannibalizing the alliance too early. But ... I'm bored. Everyone's quiet, no one's exciting me, and I really just want to watch the world burn. Do I like Jordan? Eh. Will he make the season more exciting? Absolutely. If I can convince Katie and Carson, or maybe Zach, to vote for Jordan ... the game will flip upside down.  I'm here for a little Chaos. 

is Jordan gonna die tonight? the answer probs wont surprise you as YES. AHHHHH. IM GOING HOME FUCK FUCK FUCK ME, FUCK YOU RYAN TEDDY PALMER. I am trying to save myself but i may be all out of lives.

I'm watching Shookstralian Survivor and writing a confessional, I hear this episode is iconic so I'm preparing! Michelle is winning btw! Okay so back to Cordillera Blanca...I didn't win immunity...Jordan didn't win immunity which means that both of us are vulnerable at tribal and one of us could potentially be going home tonight which is worst case scenario. As of now I think the votes are going to Jordan and I would be open to playing my idol on him but I would need to be 100% certain that I'm not getting votes because I DO NOT want to idol myself out. If I lose Jordan this round I do still have my Golden Monkey Idol to fall back on at the next tribal council so hopefully that work out in my favour. Right now Jordan and I are trying to pull in Charlotte, Katie and Zach to make a majority of 5 so that we can take over this tribe. Stay tuned...;) 

Did Jordan just save himself? MAYBE?????? If all goes according to plan,  me zach luke, charlotte and carson will vote for chris and blindside him 5-4. So #letsnotkilljordanpines

Omg so I have a randomized vote this round which really sucks but I sent in a fake vote so if people ask I can hopefully trick them also I'm shook I won immunity with4 guesses

So... charlotte wants to flip and zach does too which.. i gues?? djksd we with jordan andl uke.. a VERY tight duo pretty much, and its gonna be hard to break that, so we cant let them get far. but getting chris out right now?? idk if its right. im still a bit bitter over him not taking me to the wishing well [3:59:22 PM] Jordan Pines: same here <3 [4:00:34 PM] carson: (y) if i hear anything i tell u but just know I'm down with u lukle charlotte and zach [4:00:46 PM] Jordan Pines: same here <3 also jordan sent the same message to me twice which.. kinda shady but like i hope its not anything bad?? if he rats us out i dont think im the biggest target but like.. ya never know in this game. also idk if my social game is good bad or whatever, buti m hoping its good and it can propel me to a victory?? zach keeps saying hes my lapdog andj ust.. uh i dont want that i want to be equal allies. whatevs?? idk. also willow's vote is apparently randomized from what zach said and charrlote found where the iodl was hidden but it waas found so someone else has it... so idk. IDK i feel like flipping on the entire tribe and doing 5-4 the first vote is soooo risky. im thinking that me/zach can tell willow we're voting chris even though her vote is randomzied so she cant rlly do anything?? she doesnt talk  a lot of strategy because she takes awhile to respond but she's cool and id definitely say i trust her more than most people here. like bryce, i cant read him or chris. katie's cool but i feel like shes a bit fake to me like saying how much she trusts me when we dont talk that much?? and charlotte/jordan/luke just give weird vibes idk. only person i trust 100% is zach ig uess because we talk 24/7 and hes cool. hope this vote can go as planned, and im still kinda having cold feet, but like... i dont wanna lose jury votes so i either commit or go home.

hi can i have an episode title i came up with someone very clever here it goes: Why are all my tribe mates children like hey whats up welcome to lord of the fucking flies.

So this vote for the longest time was going to be Jordan. I was going to stick with it, but knowing me, I don't like boring games and it'd be predictable to do that. Charlotte came to me about voting out Chris. Not that directly, I guess, but mentioned flipping. I was down for it, but I wanted to talk to Carson. LUCKILY, she wanted to include Carson to, so we made an alliance ^-^ I believe right now the vote is sailing for Chris. I feel bad but it's the game, and you gotta do what you gotta do. No hard feelings. The game is tough. WHY DO I PUT MYSELF THROUGH THIS ALL THE TIME ARGHGH

[burntflorets]

21 april 2017

3:17am you called me. you said wanted to see me. then you said u had ot, you didn’t even end much later. then you didn’t want to meet me.

i’m confused.

initially you got so angry i tried to communicate with you. saying i wasn’t honoring you and your time out, being disrespectful and all. hell you got fucking angry with me.

i hate it when you get angry with me. i get terrified when you get angry. i get scared when you raise your voice at me. especially when you’re way much bigger than i am. God knows what you can do to me if you’re angry. not saying that you abused me but yknow. fuck, it was bad. i was fucking shitty then, and all you did was get angry with me when i tried to reach out to you. you got angry when i told you i still loved you.

then you told me that you were a new you. you wanted to do shit, you couldn’t be with me, or anyone.

you know how hurtful that is to hear that?

i fucked myself up for half a month trying to figure out what i did wrong, trying to grasp at anything, trying to keep myself going, trying to get through you, trying to force myself to cope and learn how to stop myself from slowly learning to live w/o you. i lived everyday in a blur, i can’t even remember what i did the previous day anymore. i don’t even know what i ate or did or if i even went to work.

then you dropped the fucking truth bomb on me at last, telling me you were a new you, the fuckboy you. the selfish you. that you that can’t be with anyone.

how am i supposed to feel. i don’t even know you anymore. the person i thought i knew inside out, i realized i didn’t even know a single bit about.

honestly when you told me about the new you, part of me died and left. i’m not going to lie. before you told me that, i was still sure about you, about us. and i still stuck to my decision. then you told me. i got numb. i still am. i’m surprised that that was the one that actually stopped me from crying.

you changed. you’re so different now. i don’t know if i know you anymore. i’m confused.

now you’re changing your tune, you say you miss me. ok idk if you miss me but you suddenly said you love me.

you change your mind fucking fast.

you’re fucking bipolar. it’s confusing me. you became so fickle. i’m fucking confused.

are you ok? were you drinking that’s why? yknow when i woke up and saw your text i got really confused.

the first thing that got into my mind was “are you drunk???” and the next thing i wanted to say to you was “yeah right but you didn’t love me enough that’s why you were so unsure and caught between staying and committing to me or your new life motto”

i wanted to be sarcastic. fuck i was angry. i was angry with you, i was angry with myself. i was angry with the world.

fuck i wanted to be with you. i didn’t want anything else. i didn’t want you to leave. i loved you with everything i had. i loved you with every inch of my being. i loved you so much that it compensated the 0 love i had for myself.

and then you told me why you were so unsure about us.

zach HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO FEEL.

it’s finally sinking in. i’ve been numb too long. it hurts now. and i’m angry.

i was disappointed earlier when i heard it. now fucking angry and hurt.

you said you feel played. what is this now. you’re playing me. AND MY FUCKING FEELINGS.

stop it. you fucking pushed me away when i needed you the most. now when you tell me all those hurtful stuff, you change your mind then tell me you love me and it was great hearing my voice.

fuck you zach what are you doing to me??

my emotions are back. i’m sad. i’m hurting. i’m angry. I don’t know what to feel anymore.

don’t come running back bc you pity me. don’t come back if you’re undecided.

you know you can’t have both. it’s either me or your new life. i feel you’re holding on to me bc you want both, you’re greedy and selfish. you say you want me and at the same time you’re trying to fit your new life into this too.

no. don’t. you’re going to hurt me even more.

like i said previously, don’t stay bc u pity me. 
stay only bc u love me and see a future with me. stay only if you’re willing to commit to me. stay only if you are going to be loyal to me. stay only if you are going to be transparent with me. stay only if you wont do shit behind my back. stay only if you appreciate and treasure me. stay only if you’re mentally and physically here with me.
if not, leave. as much as i hate to say it, leave. leave and never look back

i want to trust you, i wanted to desperately trust you that you were using this time out to think about us. for us to be better in future.

then i found you on tinder, then i see you went back to porn. then you told me the truth bomb.

you were doing shit behind my back.

if you were me, how fucked up do you think that would be.

i honestly don’t know if i can ever see you in the same way as before anymore.

do you know how crushed i was??

i was shit at the start, i was barely coping, i was just scraping through. then all these happened.

maybe i’m still numb. i don’t know what to feel now. i don’t feel anything towards you. and it scares me. idk what i feel for you anymore.

notice how i stopped putting “things i want to say to you if we were still talking?” after that day? after you told me the new you?

all these aren’t what i want to say to you anymore. all these is just me and my thoughts now. i’m not telling this to you anymore. it’s just all my raw unfiltered thoughts now. i just had to write them down somewhere. i need to get this off my chest.

i’ve been trying to clear my headspace and think things through. no one can help me now. i was so confident about us, about my answer to you then. i still was, till you told me the new you.

i felt like i don’t know you anymore. it felt like i was talking to a stranger. someone that i would hate to be friends with. someone i would hate.

everything just felt so wrong. i wanted to be in denial. i wanted it to be a bad dream. i wanted to wake up from the bad dream.

i’ve been drinking from the bottle, i’ve been smoking a lot to feel alive. all these has made me feel dead inside. and after that day, i felt even more dead inside than ever.

i had to check if i was still alive by trying to burn myself with the fire. i had to check if i was still alive by punching holes in the wall again.

it felt like the start of the time out again.

don’t push me away and get angry with me when i try to reach out to you, only to turn around and say you love me and all when i’m trying to come to terms with the new you.

it’s like you have alr been fucking around doing the shit that you want, then now coming back and telling me you love me when you had enough fun. it’s like hanging me on a rack, then when you’re cold, you use me again to keep you warm.

don’t come back if you still do shit behind my back.

stop fucking with me and my feelings zach. they are feelings ffs. i can’t just turn them off and on as and when i like it.

you put me through hell zach. i was going to kill myself. you don’t know how much it took for me to not kill myself. i tried killing myself everyday. i did try to kill myself yesterday too.

i ran in front of cars otw to work, i stood under the sun for 7 hours refusing to drink any water or eat anything ever since u told me the new you. i was googling death by heatstroke i only fainted for a while. it wasn’t long enough for anyone to notice. it wasn’t long enough for me to be sent home. it wasn’t long enough for me to be admitted to the hospital.

i thought that if i died, it’ll be a win win situation for us. i would be happy, you wouldn’t have to regret me and you could go live your new life.

when i woke up, i saw you texted me. to clarify. i was conflicted and angry. i didn’t know how to feel anymore. i felt played. i felt like the biggest fucking idiot in the whole world.

i’m not trying to say that i only suffered. maybe you did too, maybe you didn’t. i don’t know. i’m not you. but i know myself. and what i’ve been through.

God knows what you have done, the fun you have had, the shit that you did, the girls you flirted and made out with and did, the parties you have gone and once u had your fun, now you’re telling me you love me and you miss me.

i desperately want to trust you, but i don’t know if i can.

you’ve turned bad. you changed. i don’t know anything anymore. i still want to fight for you, but i don’t know if it’s the right thing to do anymore.

it’s 5am. i’m running out of alcohol and cigarettes. it’s hard to think. i’ve got so much to say but my mind’s a mess. i can’t put them out into words properly.

i’m not drunk i’m not high. my mind’s just in a mess. i don’t know anything anymore.

12:04pm i’m mentally and physically drained. idk what to think anymore. my head needs to stop pounding and my stomach needs to stop rejecting stuff. there’s nothing for me to puke why am i still puking?? i’m puking bile blood wtv it’s horrible. i want to go home. i want to die

1:20pm these days have been very draining. this whole month is wearing me out. all i want rn is to be back in your arms like before. but i know that’s not possible anymore. i’m just tired. i want all these to end. i don’t even know what i want anymore. fuck this

you said your fantasy was just in the moment. you didn’t know what came over you. but it’s clear as day.

you said you always wanted to do it since young. your fantasy was well thought out, you knew exactly what you wanted, previously when you decided things on impulse you couldn’t give a convincing explanation. this, this explanation of your fantasy, you looked like you really spent half your life thinking of it, and that you were going to do it soon. it was that convincing.

as much as i want to believe you’re the same person as before, but your fantasy shit, it kills me to know that deep down this is what you really want and that you have been hiding that part of you from me. and i can understand why you hid it.

the fact that it was so detailed like you knew everything and you could say things like “i will and i can even if it’s for life” when i told you you can’t possibly be living that way for your whole life. you were so adamant and so sure of yourself.

and i’m scared bc what if we get back together and i disregard what you said about your fantasy, but then at the back of your mind this is what you’re thinking all the time. what if you get unsure of us again? then we have to go through this all over again.

i can see i’m not important enough for you. i’m not a priority in your life that’s why you are so torn between me or that fantasy life. if i was your everything you wouldn’t even go through this thought process. it wouldn’t even have crossed your mind.

honestly when i asked you that if you have this mindset now what makes me think you wouldn’t have these thoughts again in future what makes you so sure you wouldn’t have these thoughts again? you just went quiet.

when i told you that if we were to get back together, we need to start from scratch again. we can’t just pick up from where we left off. it’s not going to work out. we’ll just be the same all over again. you just ignored that portion and replied to the other qn i had.

when i said that we always keep running into the same problems that we both did come to a conclusion once. and i said that demoralizing that we ‘claimed’ to have solved a problem before, in fact, we actually didn’t at all. you just kept quiet again.

you can’t promise me anything. to think that you say you aren’t breaking up with me now, but you can’t promise that you’ll change and you know that deep down the fantasy thing wasn’t a one time thing that’s why you couldn’t give an answer.

come clean. stop lying to yourself. it’s plain as day. it’s not a one time thing. you’ve always wanted this your whole life. i can see it too. it’s even clearer now. it actually explains your actions in the past.

i know my sentences aren’t coherent, my head fucking hurts. i’m mentally and physically exhausted. this whole month has been shit. i can’t wait for all these to end. but u need to come clean.

3:42pm my headache and nausea and dizziness are even more strong than usual today. and i left my painkillers at home. i can’t even stand. i can’t even sit straight without swaying. i feel like i'm losing consciousness. i feel like i'm losing control of my body. fuck this. today is shit. i just want to go home. i wished all these never happened. i wished we were still happy. then i could go to you. i just want to be in your arms like before when i had a migraine attack. i just want to hear u say everything will be alright.

i wish too much don’t i.