#(i did these in.. october i think?? maybe earlier? during the time i limited myself to sketches only)

[glassedplanets]

a few months ago giffy was like "haha hear me out, what if tattoo au" and then we blacked out and talked about nothing else for like three weeks

[hermannsthumb]

18. wine tasting that leads into 9. Ghost tour, drunk ghost tour!!!

from autumn fic meme here: 18. wine tasting + 9. ghost tour

this one was especially fun bc i am a biggggg fan of ghost tours myself, and i got to make up a bunch of fake lore for the “haunted house” hehe. you can decide where this is set……. (content warning for alcohol!)

—————————————–-----------------------------------------

One of the rare occasions that Hermann actually acknowledges that he and Newt are a thing and lets Newt use romantically-coded words like boyfriend or love or feelings to refer to the two of them–instead of just a terse and incredibly vague this is my partner, Newton when he needs to introduce him to a colleague at work–is on their anniversary. Not that he’ll call it their anniversary, of course. It’s always that time of year again or their special day or flowers thrust quickly at Newt and a kiss pressed to his cheek while he’s brushing his teeth in the morning. Anniversary is too serious. Too intimate. And God forbid Hermann Gottlieb be intimate with someone; it took a month after they got together for him to even take his shirt off in front of Newt. Newt doubts he’ll even let him use the word when they eventually get hitched.

Anyway, it’s that special Time of Year again, Their Day, and Newt has taken it upon himself to book them a weekend getaway. Their first weekend getaway. Usually, for Their Day, they just sit at home and make out or something until their forgotten dinner burns in the oven, but Newt’s determined for them to start acting like an actual couple. Actual couples do things for their anniversaries, like go out to fancy overpriced restaurants. Or have beach vacations. Or rent a room in a cozy mountainside inn (surrounded by beautiful autumn foliage) for a weekend for a wine tasting.

“Yes,” Hermann says, “but most couples don’t go out of their way to hunt down a wine tasting in the most–allegedly–haunted inn possible.”

“That’s because most couples are boring,” Newt says. “We’re not boring. We’re cool.” He clinks his wine glass against Hermann’s. “And don’t say allegedly. It is haunted. I did my research.” He takes the suggested tiny sip of his wine (a sweet dessert wine that tastes more like straight-up honey than any wine Newt’s ever had before) and forces a measure of false casualness into his voice. “They, uh, have ghost tours and everything.”

Hermann groans and sets his glass down. “Oh, Newton, you didn’t.”

“I don’t know what you mean,” Newt says.

Newt does know, and he did. Wine tastings are fun and all, and it’s a nice excuse to get Hermann to gussy up a little (because that grey suit he’s rocking tonight combined with his tidied hair is making Newt feel all kinds of hot and bothered) but they’re also a little boring. And gross. Spitting into a bucket for two hours while a bunch of wine snobs sniff their glasses and eat tiny crackers? Boring. Newt’s preferred method of ingesting wine is sticking a curly straw into a box of Sunset Blush Franzia and waking up on the bathroom floor twelve hours later. He just thought–well–he could spice up the experience a little. Especially since it’s October. People do these sorts of things in October. It’s seasonably appropriate.

“Look,” Newt says. “The ghost tour starts at eight, right when this ends, and it’s only an hour. Only around the inn. I already bought us tickets when I booked the place–”

“Newton,” Hermann groans again.

“–but we don’t have to do it!” Newt says, in a way that makes it clear he’d really like to do it. “I just thought it could be fun.”

Hermann scowls at him a bit more, but his shoulders sag. Probably doesn’t care enough to put up more of a fight. “We have a gas fireplace and a bathtub the size of a bloody swimming pool in our suite,” he says, “and you’d rather creep around in the dark and play paranormal investigator. I shall never understand you, Newton.” He takes a long sip of his wine. He doesn’t spit this one out. “I’ll be picking where we go next year. Now fetch us more red.”

“Next year,” Newt echoes happily.

“Don’t push your luck,” Hermann warns.

They have more red, and then they have more white, and then they round it out with some rose, by which point Hermann seems to have given up all pretenses of the tasting factor. Hermann is not tasting; Hermann is imbibing. Copiously. “I revoke my earlier complaints,” Hermann declares, after sloshing half a glass of prosecco down his poor clean shirt and grey suit, “this is a marvelous idea, Newton. I’m–” He sloshes more prosecco onto the tablecloth. “Enjoying myself. A great deal.”

Oh, jeez. “Oh, jeez,” Newt says. “Hey, babe, uh, maybe you should lie down for a bit, before–”

“No,” Hermann says. “I feel very fine. You ought to try this.”

He swings his glass towards Newt, and refuses to allow him to push it away until he’s had a sip. “It’s good,” Newt says, because of course it is–every single bottle here has been fucking great, and fucking expensive, as shit. He gets another taste of it (and about three other wines) a second later when Hermann swoops in and kisses him with no small amount of tongue. “Hermann,” he mumbles, “people are staring.”

Tipsy Hermann is a different breed of Hermann that never ceases to straight-up weird Newt out. It’s like all Hermann’s carefully constructed layers of repression finally unravel like a ball of yarn, like someone’s finally popped his cork and tossed out his filter and let every single mushy, horny thought he’s ever had come pouring out. Tipsy Hermann is handsy. Tipsy Hermann is flirty. Tipsy Hermann calls Newt things like lover and pretty thing and even just ooh, Newton with a little giggle and twirl of Newt’s hair.

Newt thinks he probably should’ve been keeping a closer eye on how much Hermann was drinking; he thinks this especially when they move on from the tasting (with two newly purchased, at Hermann’s insistence, and unopened bottles of the prosecco in Newt’s tote bag) to the ghost tour, and Hermann can barely keep himself upright, even with all his weight shifted to his cane, and Newt has to practically hold him. He’s going to be pissed at Newt for his hangover tomorrow. Because of course he’ll blame Newt.

Their tour guide is a young woman, probably an undergrad at the nearby college working the gig part time, dressed up in old-timey Victorian-looking clothing with an actual lit candelabra. She seems to enjoy her job, at least: she explains the logistics of the tour with a lot of enthusiasm and a lot of wild, animated gestures. (It’s an hour long, they’ll be walking up and down no more than two flights of stairs, one of the tour’s usual stops will be off-limits tonight due to construction, please silence your cell phones, she’s excited to be their hostess tonight!) “You sure you can manage?” Newt whispers to Hermann.

Hermann reaches up and tugs at Newt’s earlobe. “Certainly,” he says.

A hard maybe.

Their tour guide leads them to the narrow front lobby, and they file in in a circle around her as she begins to explain the inn’s origin. It was built in 1823 as a manor; it was converted into the building it is now during the 1870s; the room they’re in now was originally the parlor. “The painting above the fireplace is as old as the house,” she says. “It’s been hanging in that same spot since 1823.”

“Bloody ugly painting,” Hermann snorts.

Newt swats at Hermann. “Dude,” he hisses back.

“I’m only saying,” Hermann says. “They ought to burn it.”

Their tour guide didn’t hear, thankfully, and has gone on into describing the paranormal events of the former parlor. “You can still catch whiffs of his cigar smoke,” she says (referring to the original owner, whose name Newt missed, thanks to Hermann), “and some people have even claimed to spot a dark figure sitting in the armchair in the corner–” It’s faded emerald and ratty as hell, with a small velvet rope blocking it off from the rest of the newer furniture, “–also an original piece of the house, and his favorite spot while he was alive.”

The tour guide leads them down to the creepy basement next (haunted by the ghost of a former maid who’d been brutally murdered by the eldest son of the house–her lover–in 1859 and buried there), up to the kitchen (where servant bells still go off, despite the system being nonoperational and purely for show since the ‘70s), over to the bar (hidden behind a sliding wall throughout Prohibition and only recently re-discovered, where stools move on their own and translucent patrons flit around after closing) up more stairs to the former master bedroom-turned-unoccupied grand suite (where faucets turn on by themselves and strange shadows glide across the antique mirror), down the hall to the nursery-turned-honeymoon suite (where toys turn up out of thin air and ghostly babies cry in the middle of the night).

“‘S all rubbish,” Hermann declares at that bit. Still not loud enough for their tour guide to hear–not yet, anyway–but loud enough that a handful of people in their immediate vicinity turn and frown at him. “Ghosts are rubbish. Not real. I reckon they put--” He waves his hand. “Speakers, in the vents.”

“We fought off giant interdimensional aliens,” Newt says, grinning despite himself, “and ghosts are what you have a problem with?”

Hermann immediately gets snooty. “Kaijus–” (Newt cringes, because come on, how many times does Newt have to explain you don’t need the s?) “–had a logical reason for being here. And there was proof. Loads of it.”

“Stop being such a buzzkill,” Newt laughs. “This is just for fun, dude. No one gives a shit about proof.”

“That much is obvious,” Hermann sniffs.

“Is there a problem?” their tour guide suddenly says. She looks completely earnest, too, not angry at them for talking–like she’s genuinely worried Hermann’s upset or offended about something. 

“No,” Newt cuts in quickly. He wraps his arm around Hermann’s waist and pinches his side to shut him up. It has the opposite effect of what he wants: Hermann doesn’t look affronted, but instead, very pleased at the sudden touch, snootiness evaporating. Of course. “Forgive my partner. We, uh, just got done with the wine tasting, and he missed the memo on spitting.” He cracks another grin.

There’s a small chuckle throughout the crowd that turns awkward fast when Hermann turns to him and says, in a faux whisper (too loud, too flirty, face too close to Newt’s), “I thought you preferred when I swallow.”

Newt chokes on air; he turns bright red. “Hermann!”

The tour ends on a mildly disappointing note. Their guide takes them up to the attic and passes around quote-unquote EMF detectors, with the promise that almost every group (to date) has caught something up here with them, but after twenty minutes of waving the little boxes around with not even the smallest beep it’s very clear their group will not be joining that number. If Hermann was sober, he’d probably say I told you so. He’s not, so instead, Newt says goodbyes and thank-yous for both of them, and Hermann collapses face-first into their ridiculous canopy bed almost the very second Newt gets him through the door of their suite. He doesn’t even bother to take off his shoes first. Or drop his cane--he’s still gripping the handle.

Newt shucks off his docs and tie, moves Hermann’s cane to rest against the clawfoot bedside table, and flops down next to him. He pokes Hermann’s shoulder. “You are not allowed to blame me for this tomorrow,” he says. “You got it?”

“Whatever for?” Hermann mumbles, sleepily, into his pillow.

“The hangover you’re absolutely going to get,” Newt says, “and for dropping sex life bombs on a group of strangers. That was all you, buddy. All you.”

Hermann turns on his side to face Newt, though he doesn’t bother opening his eyes. “You’re being awfully loud. Will you turn off the light, please?”

“Ugh. Fine.”

Newt has to shuffle all the way across the room to switch off the ancient floor lamp, and by the time he gets back, Hermann is already halfway to snoring, mouth open, drool at the corner of it, dress shirt rucked up from his waistband. It’s impossible to stay mad at him when he looks this cute. “I love you, you weirdo,” Newt says fondly, and leans in and kisses his forehead.

“Mm,” Hermann agrees.

[jchall110]

So ordinarily I would put something like this on my Twitter, as that’s kind of turned into my personal vent/diary platform as of recent, but this is going to be much longer than Twitter can allow, and I need to write this all out without losing my train of thought. It’s gonna go behind a Read More, and I’d like to request that you only read it if we’ve been mutuals for a while, and only if you really want to. I’m not expecting any response, hell I don’t want any responses, I just need to put my thoughts down somewhere, and if I put it in a Google doc or something I’m gonna come back to it later and dwell on it, but if I just put it somewhere and immediately delete it, I’m not going to be able to talk to my therapist about it on Monday. Anyway, content warnings abound, as I’m gonna be talking about depression, anxiety, self-harm, suicide, covid-19, stalking, emotional abuse, and a pretty negative experience I had in a partial hospitalization program at a local mental institute. You’ve been warned. (Also for those of you who are new here, “ignore me” is my personal rant/vent tag, feel free to blacklist it to avoid seeing future posts like this)

So. Here’s a brief recap of the past year and a half in my life. Back in October of 2018, my best friend went through a very bad breakup with her emotionally abusive ex, while another of my friends was struggling very much with his mental health and attempted suicide. I was miserable working at Target and was gearing up to return to school in the Spring. I had also had feelings for the friend who went through the breakup, and she sort of had feelings for me, but she also had feelings for the other friend, and I had some vague kind-of feelings for the other friend as well, so in December we all decided “fuck it, let’s all date.” I won’t recap the full details of the relationship but it was a goddamn shitshow. His mental heath continued to deteriorate and he wasn’t seeking treatment for any of it, her mental health was extremely poor as well as a result of two years of emotional abuse and extreme codependency issues, and my mental health suffered greatly because of the expectations placed on me, as well as his frequent mood shifts where he would go from wanting to spend the rest of our lives together to, at one point, telling me things in an effort to get me to hurt or kill myself. Not a good situation by any measure. School was good, though, and the two classes I took last Spring were excellent, and I was ready to go back to school full-time in the Fall. Flash forward to September of 2019. My mental health is terrible, though my academics are very strong. I decide, after a few specific incidents, that I can’t be in the relationship with the both of them anymore and break up with him. A lot of bad things happened. She ended up leaving him as well. Then, about a month later, she left me as well and moved out of the state with someone she had met on OKCupid only a few weeks prior. At this point I need to take a medical leave of absence from school and move back in with my parents because I’m so depressed and traumatized that I can barely function. You see, since breaking up with him, he had been harassing me, even after I had attempted to get the police involved. He would call me, text me, make new Facebook accounts to send me message requests, anything to try to get in touch with me. So with all of this happening, and with me basically unable to do anything, I decide to look into a partial hospitalization program at a mental institution not far from where I live. Insurance covered most of it, my parents said they’d pay for the rest, so I started the program in early November. Ordinarily it’s only a three or four week program. I was there for at least 5. It was essentially a day program, so I would be there from 9 to 3 every day Monday to Friday. It was a really great program, except for a few things. Firstly, because it was a program both for mental health and addiction, a lot of the programming wasn’t really applicable to me, as the only thing that I’m addicted to is sugar, and I have no plans to break that habit. There’s a history of temporary psychosis caused by mind-altering substances in my family, and I don’t want to even find out if it applies to me as well. I barely even drink. So anyway, I was one of maybe three people who was there exclusively for mental health, so my options for programming were a bit limited, until a bunch of us complained about the repetitiveness of that aspect of the program and they switched things up a bit. Unfortunately it was at the tail end of my time in the program, so I didn’t exactly get much benefit from that. Secondly, and more importantly, close to the end of my time in the program, one of the mental health workers, a pre-doctoral intern who was running most of the “classes” that I was in, said a few things to me that were really frustrating and upsetting. Firstly she said that “ADHD doesn’t exist, it’s just a reaction to trauma. Too many kids are getting diagnosed with it when they just have regular attention issues, and in adults a diagnosis is almost always accompanied with trauma. And of course people are going to perform better when they’re on a stimulant.” Which. Is wrong on so many accounts. First of all, it’s overdiagnosed in the wrong people and massively underdiagnosed in the people who actually have it, especially young girls. And secondly, of course it’s paired with trauma when adults are diagnosed with it. They’ve had to deal with it for their entire lives up until then without knowing why they couldn’t do things the same way as everyone else, and there’s also a lot of trauma in general that comes with having ADHD considering how many people say “Oh, you’re just not trying hard enough” or “You’re just making excuses,” not to mention the self esteem issues that come with it. And thirdly, yeah people will perform better when on stimulants, but does taking a stimulant make everyone else tired? Cuz it does for me because it lets me slow down my brain enough to actually sleep. So yeah, that was fucked up. But the second thing she said was probably worse, and it didn’t actually occur to me how much this impacted me until earlier today when I realized something, but I’ll get to that realization soon. So it’s my second-to-last day in the program. I had gotten almost no sleep the previous night because I had a massive panic attack right before bed because my asswipe ex messaged me some really fucked up stuff. So I’m way out of it, and my ability to concentrate is pretty shit. I’m doing my best, though, and I’m paying attention to the discussion. We were talking about the parts of the brain and how they’re impacted by trauma. There were a few times during that day where I had forgotten words but still knew what I was talking about, and at least one of them had happened in front of this woman. So she asks “Does anybody know what the part of the brain is that connects the two hemispheres?” I say “Oh, I do” cuz I do know what it is, but for the life of me I can’t remember what the name is. (It’s the corpus callosum.) So she looks at me and says, out loud, in front of the entire group, “You know, it’s okay if we don’t know everything.” So I get all flustered and embarrassed and mad at myself because, in my ADHD people-pleaser brain, the teacher just failed me in front of the whole class and now they all hate me. So I don’t say a goddamn word for the rest of the day, and the next day I leave without saying goodbye to that one woman, after leaving a glowing review in the exit survey. So the thing about this that’s really fucked up is that like two days before, I sat down with her and told her how I have a lot of specific trauma around rejection and failure, especially relating to my dad and how he constantly asserts that I don’t try hard enough or that I need to do better, shit like that. Like, that was a major theme with me the whole time I was in the program. It was like, getting over the intense rejection of my best friend/girlfriend running away with a guy she just met, and my relationship with my dad. That was it. (Of the two, the one there that’s still a major thing in my life is my relationship with my dad. At this point, she can fuck off with whoever she wants. I’m more pissed at her than anything else now.) So for her to turn around and embarrass me in front of the entire group like that, when there was solid evidence that a) I did know what I was talking about and b) I was having a very off day was really messed up. In thinking about it, there was quite a few messed up things that she did in the last week or so that I was there. Probably more during the rest of my time there but I don’t actually remember most of it because working on your trauma can be traumatizing itself, go figure. Anyway, I had almost completely forgotten about that until earlier today when I was thinking about how I was getting much more sensitive to rejection and perceived failure recently than I was before all this had happened. Part of it is probably my increased estrogen dose fucking with my mood, but the majority of it, I think, stems from that one incident of her pretty much violating my trust and invalidating me in front of like twelve people that I really trusted and felt close with. Fucked me up, yo. Anyway, so I leave the program and start working for my dad at his machine shop. Things are going super well, I’m making a fair bit of money, keeping in touch with my friends as best I can, and doing my best to avoid my ex harassing me further. About midway through December I change my phone number so that he’ll stop calling me (he had several ways to get around me blocking his number), and in the middle of February I change my name on Facebook so he won’t be able to find me and send me more message requests, cuz there’s no way to stop that from happening either, and the police were useless because “I wasn’t in any physical danger.” At this point he had moved away from my town, presumably back with his parents but I don’t really know, and I really don’t care. So he messages my siblings on Facebook trying to get my phone number, and then somehow finds my Facebook again and sends me a picture of him cutting his wrist. So I get fed up, go to a local domestic violence prevention nonprofit, talk with one of their advocates, and file a restraining order against him. It gets approved, and the messages stop. A court date is set for us both to meet with a judge to discuss everything and see if it needs to stay in place or not or whatever, and for about 2 weeks everything is great. Then covid-19 starts hitting. I get what was probably just the flu or a cold or whatever a few days before the court date. Then the state that I live in announces that most court hearings are postponed until mid-April. I check on the website and find that stalking and domestic violence, among a few others, are exempt from this and will be going on as scheduled. Because I was recently sick, I call the courts the day before and ask if I can appear over the phone. They say yes, it’s all good, great. So the next morning I call in and things get moving. It turns out that my ex didn’t show up to the hearing, even though he definitely knew about it. So I talk with the judge for a few minutes and we decide that I don’t need the restraining order anymore because he’s not likely to start harassing me again, and if he does I can always get a new one or get the police involved. And so far I haven’t heard a peep from him so I’m assuming that chapter of my life is closed for good, which is excellent. But then more things start to close down, and my dad basically tells me that he doesn’t really need me at work and it’s best if I stay home. So since then I’ve been staying at home. It’s been 15 days total that I’ve been home, with only minimal trips to work for an hour here and there. And I really don’t do well with isolation. It’s not all bad, because I live with my parents, so I have some social contact, but as was mentioned above I don’t exactly get along with my dad, I don’t have a lot in common with my stepmom, and my grandmother is a grumpy old lady who isn’t very good for conversations about much else than knitting and Jeopardy. I’ve been doing my best to stay in touch with folks online, and it’s been decent, but it’s still pretty rough. And when Animal Crossing came out and all of my friends started playing it, I started feeling even worse because I’m poor as shit and don’t even have a Switch, and they’re fucking $400, which is a whole student loan payment for me. So I’ve been pretty miserable the past two weeks. To top it all off, I have to register for Fall classes next week, and I don’t think I can even imagine that far into the future right now. The world is supremely fucked, and there’s almost no way that I’ll even be able to afford to go back to school. I’ll probably have to drop out entirely. For at least a few years. And I’m really not ready to give up on school right now. Like I said above, I’m really sensitive to failure, and this is the third time I’ve tried, and failed, at college. And I’m getting real frustrated about it. The first time it was my ADHD, which at the time was undiagnosed. The second time it was mental health and my asshole ex harassing me. Now, when I finally have my ducks in a row, it’s money. The one thing that no amount of treatment or medication or court hearings will change. Plus there’s all the political bullshit going on still, and the impending collapse of society as we know it, and any number of other global crises (yes, that is the proper plural of crisis) going on. Oh, did I mention I’m an empath and the moods and emotions of the people around me, and of the world in general, pretty heavily impact me? I’ve been able to tell when some massive tragedy occurred even before the news story breaks. So yeah, all in all I’m doing about the worst I’ve been doing since high school before I was on antidepressants, and it’s really hard to see any end to this tunnel. I know I’m one in several hundred million people who are struggling right now, and I’m lucky that I’m at least moderately healthy with a steady place to stay and things to eat, but goddamn if things aren’t shit for me right now. Like I said, I’m not looking for any kind of response, and if you even read all of this I’m legitimately surprised. I just needed to put this all down somewhere because keeping it in is getting to be almost too much.

Don’t worry, friends. I promise you I’m safe. I’m just scared, lonely, and really lost right now.

I love you all.

[annakie]

A Post about Patchy

Hey would you like to read a lot of words about and see some pics of this cat?  Because I’m going to do that below this cut.

Don’t worry, longtime followers, this is a happy post.

Those of you who have been following me since 2014 or before may remember Patchy.  I don’t talk about her much on the blog, but I think it’s time. 

If you were worried this may be a post-mortem post, don’t be.  She’s happy and healthy.

The pic above was taken in October 2010.  It’s the earliest picture I have of Patchy.  By this point I had already known her for about a year.

Back in like 2009, around the time I got Cebu, when I started actually looking out in my backyard, I realized that there were several cats who hung out back there at night.  I just have a chain link fence in my yard so it’s not surprising they could easily jump it from the alley or side yards, and I have a pretty large patio with some comfy patio chairs, so I guess it seemed like a good spot for them to hang, since I wasn’t out there much. 

I wouldn’t know that TNR was a thing for awhile, and since I have a soft spot for cats, I’d leave them out some kibble, I’d just buy a bag of the cheapest stuff at the grocery store and throw a cup out a night to keep them from starving to death back then.  There were often 5 or so cats back there, and if I’d have known then what I know now, I would have started TNR way earlier. 

The cats would come and go, and there were so many that I just called them by identifying characteristics.  “Brown-nosed tabby” and “Tuxedo” and “Orangie” or whatever.  So this Calico just became “Patchy” since she has patches of color.  For awhile, she was just one of that gang.

Cats would disappear, new ones would show up.  Patchy and Moustachio, a shorthaired B&W cat with a mustache, were around the longest.  I’m not sure what happened to most of the other cats, I’m sure they got hit by cars and picked up by the pound and other unpleasantness.  I had to dispose of a few myself.

Patchy, somehow, kept surviving.  Although there were a few times when she’d disappear for weeks at a time and I guessed that was the end of her, but she’d show up later all skin and bones, and then I’d switch her to my cats’ expensive, grain-free food and even give her wet food to get her back on her feet.  Once she even showed up bloody with a very scary gash on her head.  Not being able to touch her to put like, neosporin or something on that was killing me and I did what I could to help her recover, which was mostly just making sure she had plenty of good food and water.  She made it.

And in these first few years, several times, kitten litters showed up in my backyard.

Cebu... get out of the way.  (He was always real good about knowing exactly where to be for being in the way.  I miss him so much.)  (Pics taken in May, 2013.)

Ah, yeah, there’s Patchy with two litters of kittens, one of which was hers and the others were her own grandchildren.  I rescued two out of those eleven and still kick myself for not doing more.

After having to clean up a few of her messes and over a few years saving over a half dozen of her kittens, and not saving many more, I decided it was time to do something about this.  I started by getting her to trust going into my house.

My master bedroom has a sliding glass door to the patio.  (The door you see there goes into the garage, sliding glass door is to the right.)  So I started trailing food into the house and into the master bathroom to get her to explore there, and under the bed so she saw a safe place to hide.  I’d then hanging out in the bedroom reading and letting her come in to explore the inside.  I got her to understand there was food and clean water, and shelter there.  

I thought I wasn’t far enough along with trusting me when she was pregnant once again in spring, 2014.  But one night she did run right inside the house when I opened the sliding glass door to let Cebu out, climbed into the lining that had been ripped out a bit under my bed, and set up camp.  For the next few months, she lived there.  I contacted a feral rescue group in my area who agreed to let me foster the kitties and they’d get them adopted, then loan me a trap to get Patchy TNR’d.  So that was a relief.

Also?  Patchy picked the spot where she wanted to “go”, and after I cleaned up that first mess I put a litter box there and she took right to it, have NEVER had a litter issue since.

The long, and complete story about the next few months can be found on my Rescue Kitties tag, with many many pictures and updates.  But I’ll still post a few, and a summary.

She never came out from beneath the bed if I was in the room, but I would go hang out with her when I got home from work every day, lay on the floor and sing to her and talk to her, give her yummy wet food, and sometimes, if she felt frisky, she’d play laser pointer with me when I would lay in bed before sleeping at night, always on the floor, never daring to get on the bed.  That’s fine.

In April 2014 one morning I awoke to kitten noises.

She was such a good momma to those kittens.  After the first day & night in the birthing box I set up for her, and she did even let me change out the towel (but got real mad when I tried to move the food bowl slightly away), she brought the babies back under the bed and I’d have to peek and use my camera to even see them.

Eventually, they got old enough to get curious, they came out to play, and she let me play with them and socialize them. 

And after a few more weeks, the babies went to the rescue group, and found their forever homes. 

It took TWO MORE WEEKS of making Patchy very unhappily live inside before I could get her into a trap, so she could be TNR’d.  Although she was OK with me touching the babies, touching was strictly off-limits for HER.

But hey!  We did it!  She went and got TNR’d, got a clean bill of health... and went back outside.

I didn’t see her for like two weeks, and when she came back she was skin and bones, and decided that maybe it was OK to be back here and let me give her food again, after all.

And then for the next year or so, well, if it were really hot or cold or storming outside, when I’d let Cebu out before bed, maybe she’d decide to spend the night under the bed, after all.  But she wanted to go back outside during the day.  That’s fine.  The other cats hated being locked out of the bedroom sometimes, but they got used to it.

Slowly, throughout 2014 and 2015 her inside stays got a little longer and a little longer.  It was too hot or too cold out for days at a time, then weeks at a time.

The worst part about this time is that she’d get fleas.  And then Cebu would get fleas, and then Jim, Leela, Fry and Pemily would have fleas.  And then I’d have to do an expensive round of flea meds on all 5 of the inside pets, and not being able to touch Patchy to give HER meds was a problem until I found some like, garlic pills online that I’d mash into her wet food and give to her.  Luckily, between that and flea-powdering (the vacuuming) the carpets, the fleas would be taken care of.  I think I went through this three times.  Eventually I just started giving her a flea pill once a month.  I didn’t love doing it because apparently some cats have bad reactions, but it was that or... stop letting her into the house because I couldn’t keep exposing the rest of the pets to fleas.  Luckily, it worked.

Of course when Cebu died at the end of 2016 I had a lot less reason to ever go to the backyard, so, she had a lot fewer chances to try and go outside, anyway.  But it’d been awhile before that since she’d go out.  I used to leave the door open enough for Cebu to go out and come back in during nice days, and she wouldn’t bother most of the time.  And usually, even when she did, she’d be back inside for bed.

She did get out for like two minutes once last year, but she made it to the end of the backyard, saw I was going back inside, and ran back to me and inside all on her own after that.

She’s at least ten years old now, I think she’s happy to be settled.

I feel bad that she lives her entire life in one room.  I’ve tried a few things to see if she wants to integrate.  Pemily is my most social and outgoing and friendly cat, and also she is literally Patchy’s granddaughter, and several times Pemily has managed to sneak her way into the bedroom, she’s very wiley.  Patchy DOES NOT LIKE IT.  Usually within 10 minutes there are growls, spits and hisses.  Once or twice Pemily has made it into the bedroom without me noticing, and I’ll find her sitting by the door VERY READY to leave when I go back in.  Patchy and Fry would never get along, and she’d probably bully Leela, so... she’s a bedroom cat.

We still play laser pointer, I made sure we has a few hunting-type toys, which are the only thing she responds to.  I’ve tried several “enrichment” toys that the other cats like, stimulation toys, hiding toys, a mini-cat tower that she only uses the brush on, special places to lay down... whatever.  I also bought her a life-sized stuff cat for companionship and NOPE, she hissed at it.  I left in in the room just in case she gets used to it and she ignores it. She doesn’t really care. She likes to hunt fake mice and the laser pointer, everything else is “Meh.”  

She used to dump her water out all the time and I realized she likes to drink moving water, so I put Cebu’s water fountain in there and she loves it.  She has the view of the backyard from the sliding glass doors she spends a lot of time looking out at.  She has crunchy food always and gets some wet food when I get home from work, I spend a few minutes with her when I come home from work every day and at least an hour hanging out in bed watching shows and playing laser pointer... and she seemed happy.

In January, 2016 I woke up one night and found a warm lump next to my feet.  

It may have been a little earlier than that, but not much.  Patchy figured out that it’s more comfy ON the bed (well, she had been sleeping up there when I wasn’t in the room before then, but never while I was there) and hey, humans are warm!  Actually now that I look at it, I think this pic was taken in the afternoon, so maybe this was one of the first times she came onto the bed when she knew I was awake.  (Hey, I’m big on weekend afternoon naps.)

Further strides.. were slow, but measured.  The first time she’d come up on the bed while I was sitting up.  The first time she walked on me when I was laying on my side.  The first time she walked on my stomach and smelled my face.  Figuring out that sleeping higher up on the legs is even warmer.  Figuring out that purring and making biscuits on the human’s leg was really nice.  Oh man, I cried the first time she made biscuits and I heard her purring.  That was probably early 2017.

I had a few aborted attempts at trying to touch / pet her, including thinking she was Pemily while I was still half alseep.  These always lead to setbacks that took awhile to get that trust back.

After awhile, she’d sometimes even do stuff like... this.

This was a huge deal because it was the first time I had even thought to record her and she just came right up and said hi, and she laid there for like 20 seconds while I talked to her.

And then I asked her if she wanted pets, and she immediately backed off.

But hey, she backed off to go do this...

So it wasn’t so terrible.  A little biscuit making before settling down to hang out.

I decided about a year ago, that to move forward, what I needed was to get her used to my hands. So I began Operations: Hands are OK!  For literally the last year, every day I just try to spend a few minutes with my hands somewhere near her when she settles in.  And I started trying TINY PETS on her paws when she was relaxed.  This was a gamble because most cats hate having their paws touched.  But she could see my fingers touching her paws, and tiny gentle paw strokes that did not hurt were something she could control, and remove her paws from.  Which usually she did, and at first she’d get up and move, but eventually, she’d just tuck her paws under.

Sometimes... even something like this would happen...

See?  You can touch MY hands, too!  It’s OK!

I also let her sniff my hand any time she was close enough, and she got used to that, I started using it as a greeting.  She was totes OK with touching any part of me that was covered up with a blanket at this point.  So I’d also put my hand under the blanket sometimes and then under her paws or side.  She didn’t like this much, either, but would tolerate it in small bursts. 

I was patient with her and tried to not push her boundaries too much.

The thing is, though, she has not been to the vet since getting TNR’d in 2014, and she’s now at least 10 years old.  I don’t want to take her if it’s going to set her back, and I don’t want to someday have her be sick and still terrified of my hands, of touch, so... I pushed forward.

The last few months... I started feeling like she knew she wanted something else, but she didn’t know what she wanted or how to ask for it.   So I went for pets with the back of my hand a few times, slowly, letting her know where my hand was at all times and she’d... run away after a short brush.

She’d hang out... close, like this, though.  Looking at me like... “I need something.  What is it that I need?”

Less than two weeks ago, on June 12, I had to wake up at 4am for a work thing, made it back to bed at 6:15ish, then woke up, oops, an hour later than I meant to around 9am.  I really needed to get up and get to work, but woke up to Patchy laying with me, then when she saw I was awake she climbed up to my stomach, purring.

“Okay, we’re gonna try pets again,” I said to her, and showed her the back of my hand.  She sniffed it, then I lightly brushed it against her side.  She didn’t move.

“Okay, we’re gonna do that again,” I said, and for 4 or 5 strokes, she let me.  So I got bold, and went for the regular front-hand full body pet down the spine.

She let me.  I held my breath and looked at her and she didn’t move.  I tried again and she let me.  And after a few seconds... I was just... petting her.  Like you would any other cat.  I literally got teary eyed as I told her what a good girl and brave girl she is.  She... leaned into it.

After about a minute, I got really bold and tried a neck scratch.

SHE.  LOVED.  IT.

This was after about five minutes of neck-scratch / body pets switching.  I grabbed my phone off the nightstand to capture the moment, and she was totally cool with staying still while I shifted a bit to take the pictures with my left hand.

I probably hung out with her for ten or fifteen minutes and actually had to push her away to get up and run into work and not miss a meeting I was supposed to run at 10.  I’ve been so. damn. happy. about this.

It took ten years you guys.  Or damn close to it.  A decade of knowing this cat, of getting her to trust me bit by bit.  

And now, when I hop in bed at night, whenever she’s ready she’ll jump up and hang out.  A few nights ago she even let me pet her while she was standing up and I was sitting up for a moment, and once while I was sitting up and sitting cross-legged, she laid down on the pillow in front of my legs and just let me pet her that way.  

She even woke me up in the middle of the night last night going “Uh, hey, that thing you do now?  Do that some.”  She lays there and purrs and lets me pet her for a long time.

She still mostly runs under the bed if I’m in the room and not on the bed, but the last year or so she’s been lazy about it, instead of jumping up terrified and running under the bed it’s more like “Oh... you’re here.  Ok.”  More like a routine than a necessity.  The last few days she may even be outside of the bed under the nightstand or just... NEAR the bed if I’m walking around, but I haven’t pushed that boundary yet.

My goal is now, by the end of the year, have her tolerate me picking her up, or at least pushing her around.  Get it so I can get her into a carrier and... if I’m real lucky, get her to the vet before 2019 is over.  We’ll see.

Maybe, but not likely, someday I can open the bedroom door again, sleep with the other cats (I do occasionally sleep in the guest room so they can hang out with me, but that bed is nooot as comfortable.)  For the last few years I was doubtful we’d ever get this far.  So who knows.

Thanks for reading this far!  I have been wanting to just record this story for awhile and made myself sit down and do it tonight.  I’ll post further updates if warranted. :)

[listoriented]

“B”een There

done that.

So here ends my time playing games that start with the letter B. Thanks for reading! It's been three years plus change. Back in early 2016 when I pondered how the world might look when I finished another letter, I never imagined, even from that unsteady ground, just quite how different things would become (in terms of global political-psychological landscape) - though really all the top-down drama happened that year, and everything since then has just felt like the normalisation and ratification of it, this splintered-systemic madness, the post-parody, post-fake fake-real. Or whatever you want to call it.

Nor did I imagine that it would take me so long. But, life. I went overseas, moved houses, moved cities, went through a breakup, started a PhD, rode a bike, read some books, faffed around. I anxiously played hundreds of hours of Rocket League; I ticked off every achievement in Mini Metro; I spent too long trying to remember what I was doing in Stardew Valley. I reviewed some games over at Gamecloud, which wrapped up earlier this year.  Time accumulated in a predictable but upsetting way.

Beloved demigod of gaming blogs RPS went through a full staff turnover, pretty much. It's weird, man. VR happened but remains a bit beyond my periphery, even if it gets brought up from time to time in the groupchat. Battle Royale games weren't a thing a few years ago, then they became everything, now they are still a big deal, the biggest deal, or maybe a large-medium deal, or just a large part of the background - I honestly don’t know how to quantify this. Steam's ubiquity has slipped markedly, through a mixture of managed negligence and increasingly aggressive competition. The inherent limitations of being bound to one commercial distribution system on one hardware platform have always been at the back of my mind, but I do increasingly wonder if my time would be better spent on a project that dug through other veins. The answer is, for now, that sometimes you've gotten keep doing the thing you said you were gonna do, if no other reason than because. 

Tumblr, our home since 2016, has gone through its own shifts and controversies in this time too. They no longer seem to allow unencoded links (so no-one ever knows what they’re clicking on), it became less friendly to adult content, and as of today apparently Tumblr has been sold on to wordpress. I don’t really know the implications of this last thing.

Some Maths

I played fifty one games beginning with B. Of the forty-eight that I'd deem to have some notional metric of completability, twenty-four of those I (often in the most flexible sense possible), "completed". 50%: Not as bad as I'd expected, TBH, especially as that includes a couple of painful six/seven game streaks where I didn't finish anything.

Ceremonious Award Giving for Games Starting with ‘B’

It is always hard to pick favourites, and from any given vantage point they tend to change. Nevertheless, an act of self-canonisation is in order, as is tradition. Given the nature of this project, I do put a lot of value in titles that surprise me in one way or another. Batman: Arkham Asylum and Bulletstorm were equal Best Goofy Action surprises (it pays having low expectations, sometimes), with an honourable mention to Brigador. The Banner Saga was the most surprisingly thought provoking. Davey Wreden’s autoficitive The Beginners Guide gets the Anodyne Prize for Most Enjoyably Difficult To Put In A Box. 

Botanicula was probably my Favourite (total) Revisit, or the best non-surprise. 

B was a letter characterised by a few high-budget action series (of which my favourite part was Bioshock 2 (Minerva's Den)), held up by substrate of modest indie things of varying impact. My attention span was all over the place, too. We had a lot of short forays with little to say, but there was there were also more than a few wordier attempts at thought. I'm bad at judging what makes "good" writing, particularly of my own, which I oscillate between accepting and loathing, but I can tell you which games/posts took the cake for length and effort: Baldur's Gate for longest playtime; Burnout: Paradise for highest word-count (and longest gestation period); Battleblock Theater for the most time-consuming method of putting a post together; The Beginners Guide for the most times played through a game in order to try and parse it; Braid for the most external reading and referencing.  

I think the most absurdly Expensive-at-purchase game here was Battlefield: Bad Company 2, which also gets the newly thought of I Can’t Believe It Still Has Functioning Online Multiplayer prize. I'm handing the Most Disappointing badge to Broken Age, despite (or because of) already having played it a bunch before attempting it for the list, though Before the Echo (fka Sequence) takes the Aquanox Award for game I inexplicably sunk the most time on trying to finish despite not really enjoying. I hold the Most Contempt for Breach & Clear. Black Mirror had the Worst Voice Acting, and it was also the Oldest Game here (2003), at least in terms of no-significant-alterations though depending on how you want to factor in remasters and remakes, you might alternatively give that prize to Broken Sword (1996) or Bionic Commando Rearmed (1988). Blueberry Garden was Purchased Most Long Ago, in 2009, though the Aquaria Trophy for Longest Unplayed Incumbent goes to Bob Came in Pieces, which I'd bought in 2010 then never installed (it's pretty good, it turns out!). However, the special Emotional Closure Award goes to Baldur's Gate, with which I already had nearly two decades of fond, scattered memories, before finally finishing for the first time during this project.

More Maths

When I started this letter I had 438 games in my steam library. Right now I have 1049 games, which is almost exactly three times the amount I had when I started this blog in October 2015 (~350). I've played 70 games total. A further 57 entered the list behind the marker, into the exempt scorched land of the already visited alphabet, which means we're at 127/1049 = 12.11% of the way through the list, which is a +7% increase on where we were at three years ago. That's not nothing. But at 2.5% per year, it's not a lot. Globally, the average human lifespan is 68 years.

Terrifying Implications For the Future

The maths says that the current terms aren't working, that I'm drowning in a heady mixture of my own relentless consumerism, hesitation, and procrastination from this task which is itself an avenue of procrastination - that at this rate I will probably die (or certainly give up) before even getting to the halfway point, and that we can't continue like this in good faith. 

So I'm going to get a bit reckless, even change the rules slightly, in order to try and breathe new life into this thing. All games must still be played for at least an hour - yes, that one stands. But. BUT. I'm setting a hard time limit of one week, from one game to the next, post to post. For now at least. No more lofty words about striving to "finish" games as a rule rather than exception. It's quantity over quality (pretending for a second that quality was ever a concern) from here on out, business over pleasure, irreverence over lengthy considerations, scrapbooking over essays.

On the bright side, this means I can have a weekly posting schedule. Let's say Tuesdays? Tuesdays seem like a good day for posting.

A couple of other things: 

List Oriented now has a ko-fi tip jar, just in case you, dear reader, enjoy this blog - or did before it went completely silent for the first half of this year - and feel like helping to pay for my caffeine addiction and/or encouraging me to keep going with this task. 

Another thing I want to do is compile a list of links to good places for games-writing and other things that I like, because a) I feel like such a page would be helpful for me to keep a record, even if for nobody else; b) my conception of the internet is permanently stuck in 2008 but also; c) it's hard to remember where to look for good things on the internet, sometimes, these days, given our habitual over-reliance on various platforms to direct us to CONTENT. But one thing I want to include is a list of other places where people are doing this kind of list-oriented project thing. I remember a bunch of them sprung up a couple of years back when we gained a brief and relative flash of notoriety, though I’m not sure how many stuck at it. If you yourself are doing one, or you’re aware of any others who are, Let Me Know! 

Anyway, looking ahead. C. An obtuse but interesting letter. Not so many of the big-hitters. A buuuuunch of city builders and management games, a few influential and/or janky platformers, more than a handful of puzzlers, some famed RTS series, a heap of question marks, a coupla interesting art things and a few uh *squints* Shooting Game. Happily for me, a lot of titles that I've not yet gotten round to giving a go, so this will be all...fresh.

I have a vague memory from when I got through A, of looking ahead to C and thinking at least it was a much more compact section than B, at the time, some light on the other side of what I'd already known would be a slog. But here we are three years later, and now there's fifty seven such games beginning with C, so there goes that thought. You'd think, having identified the consumerist-excess problem that catalysed this stupid thing, I would have stopped buying game bundles at some point, made this ridiculous project a bit easier for myself, a little more plausible for everyone else. 

But, we must continue. It's a new day. A new letter. A new schedule.

The way is long and it is littered with videogames.

above: “celebrating” my “achievements” with a ‘b’eer

[allykat4416]

Meme Trip 2k19, Pt. 2

Date: May 18th

Park(s): Kentucky Kingdom in Louisville, KY//Holiday World in Santa Claus, IN

I’ve always loved an underdog story. In a world like today, where most parks of note are owned by Six Flags or Cedar Fair, it’s harder for the “Little Guys” to get their foot in the door. I think that’s actually pretty sad, as some of my favorite parks are these smaller, family-owned establishments like Knoebels’ and Waldameer. I also really like the neglected parks in the big chains like Michigan’s Adventure. I think I’m just weird and salty.

But what about a park with humble roots, snatched up by a large corporation and falling victim to an antagonistic fair board and an economic downturn, only to rise from the ashes better than ever? I don’t know about you guys, but that’s the exact kind of place I stan.

I’ve always high-key wanted to visit Kentucky Kingdom since its 2014 reopening. Ed Hart has fought so hard and poured so much of his heart into reviving this park that it makes me want to cheer for them just because I respect the man so much. Plus, it didn’t hurt that I’ve heard KK has more ejector in two rides than Ohio has in two parks. {Having been, I can confirm that’s true.}

I watched them build Lightning Run. I watched them build Storm Chaser. I watched them troll heavily with everyone before announcing Kentucky Flyer. I watched them do all these things, and I yearned and yearned to go. And now, I’ve finally been.

Going into this trip, I’d always been pulling for Lightning Run. It’s the only ride of its kind in the world, and people tend to overlook that because there’s an RMC in the park. I don’t hate RMC as much as I used to after this trip, but I still incredibly hate how the community treats RMC. I anticipated that I would prefer LR over SC, and that did end up being true. I don’t know if I’m soft on this ride because it’s an underdog in a park that’s already full of underdog energy, if it’s because I love the things we’ve done with her character in our story, or what.

Like me, LRun isn’t a morning person. It wasn’t quite what I had expected it to be on our first ride, and I was honestly a bit sad. Not Steve levels of “wow lmao that sucked” because it was still indeed a great ride, but it wasn’t quite as intense as I thought it was going to be. It got more like what I thought it would be after we’d gone through the park, and we ended up riding it three more times after that initial excursion. I don’t like the term “flojector” but if there’s any two rides that I think have it, it’s LRun and Fury. That makes me feel things I’m not sure I want to feel.

It’s short, sweet, and to the point, never wasting your time and a blast from start to finish. The twists and three hills at the end are a choice finale. S-curves, thick ass, give ‘em whiplash indeed. I believe LRun has my favorite first drop of all time too. (If anything is close, it’s actually on an RMC weirdly enough. But I’ll get to that later.) Good on you, Chance. Build a Hyper GT-X in my backyard, please. I love it.

Kentucky Flyer was a fantastic addition to the park’s lineup. It’s got me even more unironically excited for Oscar’s Wacky Taxi. Something about this ride reminded me greatly of Mystic Timbers, but I couldn’t put my finger on what it was exactly. I think the best word to describe this ride is “cute”, but not in a patronizing manner. Fetus Mystic or not, it’s a really fun ride and I can’t wait to see a bunch of new coaster geeks in the area come to the hobby from this being their first coaster. Four for you, Gravity Group. You go, Gravity Group. 

T3 wasn’t as awful as I was anticipating it to be. The lap bars are what sucks, if anything, and the ride does shuffle very noticeably in a few spots. However, the layout isn’t bad and I see why it was cloned so much; if it isn’t broke, don’t fix it. I like the cherry red paintjob as well. Just…please do something about the lap bars. I don’t even mind STR or SkyRush’s! But this, this is terrible. 

Thunder Run surprised me. I’d gone in expecting something like Hurler at Carowinds, since it’s just a clone of that ride. I left kind of pissed off that Carowinds doesn’t maintain theirs like that. I do believe there might have been some modifications to the layout because of structural damage when the park was essentially left to rot after 2010. If that’s the case, I understand. But damn, this thing was actually surprisingly good! I’d need a couple of more rides to really say what I think and we had bigger, angrier fish to fry, but that’s all the more reason for a revisit. 

Obligatory comment that Storm Chaser kicks the shit out of Steel Vengeance, not that it’s that hard to do. I’d heard it was running a bit sluggish that day, and I can get that. It wasn’t as violent as I’d anticipated it to be, but it was still typical RMC ejector like what I’d had on WiCy or TwiTim. It’s not Lightning Rod, but if you compare any RMC to LRod, you’re going to be disappointed. At least Stormy, you know, fucking had ejector. The trick-track double-up was really neat, but I think the first drop is every bit as good. It’s like Timbers’ drop only better. It’s weird in that it’s better in the front. That seems to be a recurring thing here. Like sister, like sister I guess. We ended up riding this three times since we liked it so much. 

Roller Skater was also a really cute family credit, and it’s in a beautiful setting. There isn’t a lot else to say about it. It’s just kind of there for the fetus thrill seekers who aren’t quite ready to take flight on KyFly yet.

The park still has some sense of Six Flags, like a stain you can’t really ever scrub out. I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing, though. It gives the park more character, and it pays tribute to what its past life used to hold. It’s an interesting park that I’m eager to see grow and hopefully prosper in the years to come. Ed Hart cares so deeply for the place, and it shows.  

There were a couple of other enthusiasts at the park that day, and both Roller Skater and Storm Chaser broke down for them after we had left. I don’t know if coasters have souls, but if they do, I tip my hat to those two for being real pals.

Keeping with the theme of family-owned fun, we split the day between Kentucky and Indiana. In another sense, Holiday World was kind of an underdog in this trip with regards to me. I had visited once in October and utterly hated it. I’d overestimated how much progress I’d made in my path to recovery from a prior relationship, and HW had associations with that ex all over the place [being in Indiana, passing road signs from their hometown, them visiting the park multiple times, yadda-yadda.] I’d also had a tough time because of a member of our party who had invited himself to our excursion. I almost fucking killed him on Voyage’s lift hill. But fuck him, he’s a Steve fanboy.

None of that was the park’s fault. Rude people, jealousy, and awful exes aren’t the Koch family’s doing. But it made Holiday World leave a very, very unpleasant taste in my mouth. There were multiple times during the off-season that I didn’t want to particularly come back to this park. I didn’t think I was ready. While yeah, I did have to avoid looking at some of the interstate signs, I know it’s okay to know your limits. We also kept this park very quiet so no one would be a massive cockgoblin and invite themselves at the last minute.

Raven is, as always has been, a pretty solid ride. Not a lot of good coasters opened in my birth year of 1995, but I think Raven is my favorite of that class. I tried to pay more attention to the ride this visit after hearing about the death on it in 2003 and see where that woman lost her life. I definitely understand why it happened where it did, and it makes me feel awful to say that that’s always been my favorite drop on the ride. I feel like I keep saying it, but Raven is in such a beautiful setting by Lake Rudolph and that adds to an already-fun experience to me.

Legend was slated to be down for the day. It was posted on the sign at the front, we’d heard from multiple enthusiasts that he was a sleepy boy, and even the worker at Taco Bell in Corydon told us it was down when she’d visited the other day. However, during our marathon of another ride, we heard talk of them opening Legend for the last couple of hours. Sure enough, we saw a testing train a few minutes later.

We only got one ride and it hadn’t warmed up, so it wasn’t quite as good as I remembered, but I don’t hold that against him. It still feels like a hybrid between Beast and Mystic. We stan Helixes of Death. Legend was really the only ride I remembered a lot from in October, so maybe he just didn’t have as much to say to me as the others did. I’d blocked a lot more from HW out than I think I anticipated myself to.

Thunderbird is easily the best wing in NA (and I’ve done all 4 now, so I can say that. Checkmate, IG twats.) The launch is always a bunch of fun, and I still adore that slow roll at the end. It’s a lot like Banshee’s with ample hangtime. Can KD get one of these to replace what we lost with Volcano? Pretty please? And the little touches like the flickering lights through the queue as well as the launch barn really make the ride a bit more special. We love a dude.

We also rode Crow’s Nest, because God is dead and Starflyers killed him. Since it was so hot out, the breeze was pretty nice. It was also a fun way to relax, unlike the heart attack I’d had earlier on KK’s Ferris Wheel.

Voyage was better this time. I can understand the hype for this ride a bit more now, even though Casie is the only Voyage fan I actually tolerate. Tell me how it stops in the middle of the ride but still doesn’t fuck over its pacing. Tell me how I believe it’s got 24 seconds of airtime. I remember thinking that the night ride was really good, but I had blocked out nearly everything about this ride. I think my favorite part is the twisted section out in the woods with the 90-degree banking. I also was a fan of the tunnels due to the heat! I’m really glad we slipped to the overflow queue to watch it go through one of the final tunnels. Super neat, and I can definitely agree that it deserved to win those Tickets. Even if the Tickets are a scam.

But my favorite part of Voyage wasn’t even a part of the ride itself. It was standing in the queue, realizing I was in Indiana and it was very, very close to the day it all ended. And then I realized… I was perfectly okay. I was with someone I love doing something I love, and everything was just fine. She didn’t have that power over me anymore. She’s gone in every sense. I’m not too proud to say I started to cry in the station. I don’t know why it happened at Voyage, but that ride had been a sore spot and a point of contention for the past 7 months. If there was anywhere to get to that final stage of healing, I’m glad it was at that park and that ride.

I still don’t like it more than some of the other parks I’ve visited [Knoebels, Dollywood, BGW, etc.] but I do appreciate Holiday World a lot more now. Who could hate a place that offers as much free stuff as they do? And how on earth could I hate a place where I was able to finally let go of this pain? I’m glad we had such a positive experience, and letting go of the leftover hurt from that person and period of my life was a recurring theme the next couple of days. If nothing else, this trip helped me put some of those demons to bed. And maybe that’s my own underdog story. 

[heisenbergchronicles]

APPRECIATION & INTERVIEW

Better Call Saul episode posters by Matt Talbot After 4 nearly years, I thought it was time to catch up with Matt Talbot about his Better Call Saul poster project. The last time we talked during Season 1, Matt was deep in the hustle of making his name as an illustrator: juggling a full-time job, freelance projects, as well as band. Finding time for personal projects like this one can be a significant challenge. (Not to mention surviving the death of your tools: During Season 1 his Mac laptop died, and this season, his Wacom tablet bit the bullet). But despite these challenges, the 43-year-old New Hampshire native has persevered to create a clever and thoughtful series of episode posters that has garnered considerable attention, and brought with it new high-profile clients and art exhibitions. 

First, congratulations on all of your success and recognition with this series of posters. It’s well-deserved. What’s been the most gratifying feedback you’ve received? Thank you! Every interaction I’ve had with anyone from the show has delighted me. I've been surprised by all of the cast and crew members who have said nice things – every note I’ve gotten has meant a lot to me. That being said, Michael McKean randomly tweeting at me that he has my poster for Chicanery hanging in his home blew my mind. I was eating dinner when my phone showed the notification and I literally jumped up from the table. I’ve been a fan of Michael’s since I saw Spinal Tap in the ‘80s and never in a million years would I have guessed I’d make something he valued enough to hang in his home.

Tell me about your contributions to Gallery1988 exhibitions. How does that process work? It's a pretty simple process. They invite me to be part of a show, and I make something to send them. I’m very excited for the opportunity to show there, and I feel like it’s a milestone in my art-making career.

Across the 4 seasons, which BCS posters are your favorites? Which one are you most proud of? I’m particularly fond of Rebecca, Rico, Marco, Switch, Sunk Costs and Something Beautiful. Oh man, it's hard for me to evaluate my own stuff. I tend to like the posters where I find a way to get a different take on something they did in the episode. I would say that “Sunk Costs” is also one of my favorites because I did something differently than how they shot it, and because Mike is so recognizable even from the back. I was also pleased with “Off Brand” because it was when I finally figured out how to draw Bob Odenkirk.

How has your process for creating these posters evolved over 4 seasons? When I started this project I had a vague idea that I would focus on scenes rather than portraits or likenesses, but that didn’t even last half a season! The characters were too good not to include. In that way, the posters have evolved in my willingness to draw characters, and also, hopefully, my ability to draw them. 

My process is now something like: Watch the show on Monday; think about it on Tuesday, figure out what stood out to me and do a thumbnail sketch or two; draw it on Wednesday night; post it Thursday afternoon. I’m a bit faster at drawing these now compared to when I started. And I’m a bit more decisive on choosing which subject matter to depict.

There have been quite a few changes on the visual side of Better Call Saul over the last 2 seasons. New directors (Minkie Spiro, Daniel Sackheim, and Andrew Stanton), a new cinematographer Marshall Adams, even new cameras. What are your thoughts on how the show’s visual grammar has evolved? Has any of this impacted your posters from Seasons 3 & 4? I try not to just redraw literal scenes from the show, and I don’t need to tell you that they shoot the show in an incredibly beautiful way. I mean, they always, always, pick the best angle, the best shot to capture something. For that reason, it’s sometimes hard to to come up with another take on a moment from the show.

That being said, the visual style hasn’t really impacted my posters as much as the evolving subject matter has. The show, I think, is substantially darker than it was in the early going. It was easier to depict Jimmy’s hi-jinx in the first couple seasons. But with Chuck’s deteriorating mental state, the cartel stuff, Mike going deeper into Fring’s world and of course, Jimmy’s loosening sense of morals, the funny moments are harder to spot. That’s lead me to some more somber layouts and color choices.

We didn’t discuss this in our first interview. Which typeface are you using in your posters, or is this custom typography? The main logo and episode titles are set in Sign Painter, from the excellent House Industries.

The Heisenverse is known for it’s color theory and use of color. How has that impacted your color choices in these posters? I’ve kind of adhered to their blue=good/red=bad symbolism, but I also try to balance out colors between episodes and not repeat myself in sequential posters.

Many of your posters (especially ones this season) use a monochromatic, or simple palette of 1-2 colors. Tell me more about why you chose that approach. Is this a signature of your style? I’ve seen this approach in a lot of your work. You know, in the early seasons, I was trying to use simpler color palettes, but I wasn’t very disciplined and I got away from that. I’m trying to stick to a more consistent style in season 4. It is a conscious decision. I also feel like with the week-to-week nature of this project, it helps quickly set apart each poster. And, I really do love limited color palettes. Giving myself color constraints helps me figure out different ways to solve layout problems.

I’ve heard other illustrators say that Bob Odenkirk’s facial features are tricky to capture. Do you share that sentiment? Which characters are more challenging to illustrate? I do agree with that. I had a really hard time with him at first. I kind of think I have a better handle on it now, but I’m always trying to get better. I feel like if you can get his mouth right, it goes a long way.

I found Hector hard to capture both times I drew him. Mike, on the other hand, is just pure fun to draw. Jonathan Banks is so distinctive and iconic.

What’s been the most difficult poster thus far? Why was it challenging? Maybe it’s because a lot of time has gone by, but I can't think of one that stands out as having been really difficult.

Francesco Francavilla did alternate posters for some of his Breaking Bad posters. Inevitably, when artists look back at their work, they consider revising or redoing it because of a variety of reasons – their point of view has changed, their skill/style has evolved, or maybe they were never truly content with the final product. Looking back at 4 seasons worth of posters, are there any that make you want to scratch the revision itch? Yeah, more than I would care to admit. I would really like another crack at Amarillo. I know I could do a better job and that drawing is just super flat. In season two, I decided to to experiment with style and I kind of wish I hadn't. I like Cobbler, but I wish I had drawn it in my normal style. I would redraw Nailed for sure. Oh man, if I start going down this road it's not going to end well, so I'll just stop.

You mentioned earlier this season you were excited to draw Track Suit Jimmy. Who or what haven’t you drawn, that you are eager to illustrate? Howard! It bums me out to no end that I haven't drawn him, but it just hasn't worked out. And I need to include Kim more. It's kind of criminal that her face only appeared for the first time in a poster this season.

What’s your opinion of Season 4? Tell me about your favorites – episode, scene, character. I think season 4 is brilliant so far. The Kim/Jimmy relationship has deepened so much this season, and feels so real, but full of inevitable heartache. Oh, the flash-forward to Breaking Bad’s timeline was amazing. Mike doing his audit in the Madrigal warehouse. Really, anything Michael Mando does on screen. It's hard to pick. I so enjoy the deliberate pace of this show.

Where’s your favorite place to discuss the show? I honestly don’t talk about it too much online, though I lurk in a few places and read a lot. I actually discuss it mostly with my wife!

I know you get this question a lot, so let’s cover it here so folks understand: Do you have plans to sell any of this work online? I really appreciate that people like it enough to want to buy it or hang it, but I don't plan to sell the Better Call Saul posters online. I’m doing this for fun, not to make a buck off the show, and I don’t own the rights to sell it anyway.

What’s next for Matt? Do you have any other poster or illustration projects in the works? Is you band performing soon? I have several more pieces for Gallery1988 shows coming up. I’m pulling together an art show at a local brewery for whom I design all of their labels and stuff. I’m patiently waiting for a t-shirt I designed for one of my all-time favorite movies to be announced. And for the past several Octobers, I spent the month drawing a horror poster per day. I’m not sure if logistically I can do that again this year, but I’ll probably fit at least a few in. We’ll see how it goes. Sadly, with all of my illustration work, I haven’t had any time for music making, but someday I hope to get back to that!

Follow Matt: Web site / Tumblr / Twitter / Dribbble / Instagram / PosterSpy

– Interview by Shayne Bowman, Heisenberg Chronicles

[migleefulmoments]

Anonymous said: "But in those early interviews Darren was asked if he was bothered by having to kiss another man. Nobody asked Chris if he was bothered to kiss a straight man." This is splitting hairs. I'm not sure what you want to argue here. The issue under discussion was not if Darren was asked what's like to kiss a man, but whether he was asked about his sexuality - and he was from the start. As a matter of fact, out-gay actors in straight roles are also asked what's like to kiss a woman on screen.

Anonymous said: "Darren was asked a lot about how he felt playing a gay character…how he felt kissing a man." --There was nothing novel about that. It's a typical question many actors before him who had played gay roles (esp. if somewhat prominent) on screen or TV were asked. Even Chris got asked one time if Darren was gay (I think it was at the Time 100), and he said "No, I don't think so. I've met his GF." I'm not sure what being good looking has to do with being asked if he was gay if he played gay.

Anonymous said: "yes the actors were comfortable. The reporters weren’t." Not accurate. The entertainment press has routinely asked straight and presumed straight actors in a gay role what's like to kiss a man and makes a point to mention the actors' sexuality - see e.g. Matt Damon in the Liberace movie. It's been reported that this is often encouraged by the actors' reps. But whatever the case, it is a self-perpetuating reflex of the entertainment press, which has come under rightful criticism only recently.

I already addressed my analogy with Chris kissing a woman in another post and I concur it wasn’t a good analogy.

I went on an deep dive of the press Darren did in his early days of Glee last year after Abby kept repeating the cc trope that his interviews are always “no homo” because his “team” writes the article, dictates what is said, controls the interview questions or stands off camera threatening him to repeated the scripted answer. I went on another more shallow dive this evening after I got these Asks and I still stand by earlier statements that America was still quite homophobic in Glee’s early days-it still is in many places- and people were shocked to see a straight actor comfortably playing a gay character.

My point was never that Darren was the only actor who was ever asked these questions -in fact it was the complete opposite. My point was -and is -that in 2009, being gay was still something that made a lot of people squeamish and a good looking, young, actor playing a gay teenager on a tv show was something people didn’t quite understand. Whether it made the reporter, the team, the actor or society uncomfortable isn’t important-someone was uncomfortable. The fact that the questions were routinely asked tells me that a lot of someones were uncomfortable.   

Matt Damon and Tom Hanks were in big screen movies. For many years, Hollywood has rewarded straight actors for their portrayal of LGBTQ characters by giving them Oscars and Emmys. But Darren was playing a gay teenage character on Network TV- a gay character who was rumored to be a romantic partner for Kurt, this was a very new idea 2010. 

Tonight I looked for the interviews where Darren was asked about kissing and I couldn’t find them and frankly I wasted enough time. However, I did find a bunch of early Glee interviews-well before he played Hedwig or Andrew Cunanan-that addressed his sexuality with questions that  I cannot imagine being asked today:

Darren Criss on Glee | Time Out May 31, 2011 Did anyone in your life express concern about you as a straight guy playing a very visible gay character? No, that’s actually never even occurred to me. I don’t think that’s how myself or my team—I don’t think any of us are wired that way. You see a good character, and that’s it. But maybe that is a very naive way to look at things.

Bliss Magazine October 2011 (Imogene Press)

The actor is comfortable with playing an openly gay character on the show, despite being straight in real life, although he still isn’t used to wearing guy-liner on set.

8 Reasons We Admire Darren Criss -Starpulse.com 2014

6. He isn’t afraid to play gay. As one-half of everyone’s favorite TV couple, Darren’s portrayal of teenage dreamboat Blaine Anderson has both guys and girls swooning. His onscreen romance with Chris Colfer’s Kurt Hummel has often drawn fire from anti-gay organizations but Darren has kept his cool and admits to being comfortable enough with his own sexuality to kiss other boys.

San Fransisco: : He Only Plays Gay on TV.  July 1, 2013

Which brings us to the bombshell of this story—Darren Criss is not gay. And this isn’t the first time that he has had to make that clear (he says that he also had to come out of the straight closet as a teen in A.C.T.’s Young Conservatory). “I’m the opposite from what people pin me as,” he says, referring to both his sexual preferences and his career choices. “I’ve kind of made it a habit where if you expect me to do something, I am usually immediately averse to that idea, and I try to do something else.”

Norwegian TOPP  December 21, 2013 (Translated so maybe take this with a grain of salt?)

What kind of response have you gotten from other, about playing the role of a gay character? - Only positive feedback! It’s really fun playing Blaine, and I don’t have any problems with him being gay.

Asking about an actor’s sexuality -both gay and straight -is absolutely “a self-perpetuating reflex of the entertainment press”. But the questions have changed and the tone has evolved. The tone and the questions Darren was asked in 2010-2013 were about society’s confusion that a straight man would be comfortable playing a gay man or *gasp* kissing a gay man. Questions about whether his parents were concerned about the visibility of his gay character convey society’s view that being gay was something to be ashamed of. In 2018 during his ACS press tour, he was asked

“You’ve also played a lot of gay and queer characters. Has playing these parts informed how you think about your sexuality or gender?” (X) (His answer is super long, click the link if you want to read it)

and the NYTs said:

His early introduction to gay culture helped prepare him for a career in which his best-known roles and a good chunk of his fan base are gay, though Mr. Criss himself is straight. (His longtime girlfriend is Mia Swier, a TV director and producer.) He’s a rare breed: theater geek filtered through California bro, which made an ideal combination for the pop dorkiness of “Glee.”  (X)

A much more respectful line of questioning with a more accepting tone. The tone no longer convey’s the tone that his sexuality matters in his ability to play the role or that it is something to be ashamed of.  

If you have more to say on this topic I would beg you to come off anon. At first I was going to call this topic closed because it is impossible to have a conversation when you are on anon. I have no way to notify you that I answered your ask and you are limited to 500 characters-both hindering actual communication. But mostly because this is a complex topic with nuances. There are misconstrued ideas and poorly written analogies and no effective way for us to clarify and frankly it ends up feeling like a beatdown. But I wrote a lot and that didn’t seem fair to have the last world since these are just my opinions and I’m always learning.  If you have more to say, PLEASE come off anon and submit a post- that way we can actually chat and you can share more than 500 characters worth of thought.  

I already addressed my analogy with Chris kissing a woman in another post and I concur it wasn’t a good analogy.  

I went on an exploration of the press Darren did in his early days of Glee last year when Abby kept bringing up the cc trope that his interviews are always “no homo” because his “team” writes the article, dictates what is said, controls the interview questions or stands off camera and threatens him to give the scripted answer. I went on another dive this evening after I got these anons and I still stand by earlier statements that America was still quite homophobic in Glee’s early days-it still is in many places- and people were surprised to see a straight actor comfortably playing a gay character.

My point was never that Darren was the only actor who was ever asked these questions -in fact it was the complete opposite. My point was -and is -that in 2009, being gay was still something that made a lot of people squeamish and a good looking actor playing a gay man on a tv show was something people didn’t quite understand. Whether it made the reporter, the team, the actor or society uncomfortable isn’t important-someone was uncomfortable. The fact that the questions were routinely asked tells me that a lot of someones were uncomfortable.  

What I see as the difference between Matt Damon and Tom Hanks is that they were staring in movies. For many years, Hollywood has handed out Oscars and Emmy’s to straight actors for portraying LGBTQ characters. But Darren was playing a gay character on Network TV- a gay character who was rumored to be a romantic partner for Kurt.

I went looking for the interviews where Darren was asked about kissing and I couldn’t find them and frankly I wasted enough time. However, I did find a bunch of early Glee interviews that address his sexuality with questions that I cannot imagine being asked today. Of course, these are all before Darren played Hedwig or Andrew Cunanan.

Darren Criss on Glee | Time Out May 31, 2011 Did anyone in your life express concern about you as a straight guy playing a very visible gay character? No, that’s actually never even occurred to me. I don’t think that’s how myself or my team—I don’t think any of us are wired that way. You see a good character, and that’s it. But maybe that is a very naive way to look at things.

Bliss Magazine October 2011 (Imogene Press)

The actor is comfortable with playing an openly gay character on the show, despite being straight in real life, although he still isn’t used to wearing guy-liner on set.

8 Reasons We Admire Darren Criss -Starpulse.com 2014

6. He isn’t afraid to play gay. As one-half of everyone’s favorite TV couple, Darren’s portrayal of teenage dreamboat Blaine Anderson has both guys and girls swooning. His onscreen romance with Chris Colfer’s Kurt Hummel has often drawn fire from anti-gay organizations but Darren has kept his cool and admits to being comfortable enough with his own sexuality to kiss other boys.

San Fransisco: : He Only Plays Gay on TV.  July 1, 2013

Which brings us to the bombshell of this story—Darren Criss is not gay. And this isn’t the first time that he has had to make that clear (he says that he also had to come out of the straight closet as a teen in A.C.T.’s Young Conservatory). “I’m the opposite from what people pin me as,” he says, referring to both his sexual preferences and his career choices. “I’ve kind of made it a habit where if you expect me to do something, I am usually immediately averse to that idea, and I try to do something else.”

Norwegian TOPP  December 21, 2013 (Translated so maybe take this with a grain of salt?)

What kind of response have you gotten from other, about playing the role of a gay character? - Only positive feedback! It’s really fun playing Blaine, and I don’t have any problems with him being gay.

Asking about an actor’s sexuality -both gay and straight -is absolutely “a self-perpetuating reflex of the entertainment press”. But the questions have changed and the tone has evolved. The tone and the questions Darren was asked in 2009-2013 were about society’s confusion that a straight man would be comfortable playing a gay man or *gasp* kissing a gay man. Questions about whether people were concerned about the visibility of his gay character indicate the shame that was still part of society’s view of being gay. In 2018 during his ACS press tour, he was asked

“You’ve also played a lot of gay and queer characters. Has playing these parts informed how you think about your sexuality or gender?” (X)

and the NYTs said:

His early introduction to gay culture helped prepare him for a career in which his best-known roles and a good chunk of his fan base are gay, though Mr. Criss himself is straight. (His longtime girlfriend is Mia Swier, a TV director and producer.) He’s a rare breed: theater geek filtered through California bro, which made an ideal combination for the pop dorkiness of “Glee.”  (X)

A much more respectful line of questioning with a much more accepting tone.  

If you have more to say on this topic I would beg you to come off anon. At first I was going to call this topic closed because this isn’t a conversation when you are on anon. I have no way to notify you that I answered your ask and you are limited to 500 characters-both hindering actual communication. But mostly because this is a complex topic with nuances. There are misconstrued ideas and poorly written analogies and no effective way for us to clarify and frankly it ends up feeling like a beatdown. If you have more to say, PLEASE come off anon and submit a post- that way we can actually chat and you can share more than 500 characters worth of thought.  

I moved this to a text so I could add tags and find it later.  

[monicalorandavis]

Dear Lora

My grandfather wrote a 6-page typed letter to my mother in 1992. His wife, my grandma, my mom’s mom, had died earlier that year. His letter is in response to a letter my mom had written in which her mom visits her in a dream. Below is the transcribed letter in full:

Dear Lora,

Today is the second day of October. Summer of 1992 is history. Even though I am somewhat reluctant to bid farewell to the warm pleasant days of summer, the unmistakable chill in the morning air is convincing enough that fall has arrived. The morning temperature was in the low forties. The warmth of the furnace felt very good. I am, I suppose, prepared for winter (as if it made any difference whether I am prepared or not). Ready or not here it comes. I welcome the coming of winter as I do with the approach of the other three seasons.

This year my garden crop was very productive. I had carrots, turnips, eggplants, corn, spinach, cucumbers, tomatoes, onions and green beans. Each year with the beginning of the growing season, I make a solemn vow that I am going to limit my crop selection to just a few items. As the year progresses, the urge to plant just one more thing just simply overwhelms me. It’s fun anyway. The thought of putting a seed in the ground, watching it grow and then getting to eat it holds a certain fascination. I sometimes feel that I am a frustrated farmer. Flowers are blooming at their prettiest. It seems that just before their inevitable doom, nature makes a last ditch effort to make them more beautiful than ever. Could this be nature’s way of burning their beauty into our brain so we will be sure to plant them again next season?

I am doing quite well. Apparently all of the vitals are functioning adequately according to the doctor’s report from my last visit. I hope you are taking care of your health. I recall it was during my forties that I began to realize in an abstract way the possibility that I was not immortal and it was just possible that I could become sick just like old folks often does. During my fifties, I took a step further into reality and faced (however reluctantly) that I was indeed going to someday become old just like those other old folks does. Now that I have arrived, I find that in reality this is not at all as bad as I thought it would be.

A quick examination of the available options and alternatives lead one to the acceptance of life with all of its joys as well as its sadnesses. As I write this page I have one ear focused on my television set. Ross Perot is making a speech regarding his decision to run for President or not...From the drift, as I hear it, he seems to be saying that he is going to run...This will be an interesting election year. I am going to vote for Clinton, not that I think he is the best the country is giving us. I don’t know whether my vote will be a vote for Clinton as much as it is a vote against Bush.

It was a pleasure to have received such a long, informative, neat and well-composed letter. Receiving a letter is always a treat. Although we talk by phone a lot, a letter is always something special. I know with your busy schedule with the wife/mother doings, there is little time left for extracurricular things.

You spoke in your letter of Mom visiting you in your dreams recently. Ironically, just prior to receiving your letter, she visited me in a very vivid dream. Usually my dreams are so vague and scattered that it is difficult for me to form a meaningful recollection of the theme or the contents of the dream. And I must add that I do not have frequent dreams of her. I recall hearing from some leader a theory on dreams involving departed loved ones. According to his theory, if that loved one is at peace in their new existence (their new life) then their dream visits will be few but if there is restlessness and discontent visits will be frequent. In this dream, she was radiant, well-dressed and the picture of good health. We were at home together. She was busy cooking and packing in preparation for a trip to your place. I recall asking her about her medication like I always did prior to our trips. She smiled and said “Don’t you remember that I don’t need to take those things anymore? I had an operation and now my liver does the same for my body as the dialysis did. I feel good now.” It was such a pleasant dream. I feel that somewhere out there that she has found peace and contentment. Of course, I shall cherish the memories of all of those wonderful years we spent together. Over the months, the reality of life and death has been drawn into focus. It is strange that a phenomenon as real and predictable as the passing of a loved one could confuse that reality but time is a healing thing and with the passage of time there emerges an emotional balance, a healing process that draws one back into rational acceptance. However altered, there is a sort of life that can be lived and enjoyed. Life is such a precious gift. A constant concern of mine is not so much focused upon my own life, although I try and take reasonable care of myself, but hoping you, my children, and my grandchildren will be healthy and live long, happy lives.

I am really impressed by the neatness and precision of your word-processed letter. It must be a real aid to letter writing and writing in general. It is hard to master? Could a dummy life me use one? I like to write things. A problem I have is after I write and sleep on what I have written, I have an overwhelming urge to change what I have written. Maybe a word processor would cure that ambivalence.

You made a comment concerning your handwriting. Have you ever seen my handwriting? Yours would put mine to shame. My typing is rather shabby too.

I noticed judging from the look of some of my vegetable crop we have already a frost so soon. There are still a few things I have to do in order to prepare for winter. I had a new door installed at the front entrance and the door to the garage. That are is always like an icebox in spite of my attempts to weatherstrip. Hopefully the new carpet and drapes will help some to keep the place warm this winter. I still have some other things in mind to help keep the heating bill under control this winter.

I talked to Alan and Elfriede recently. They are extending an open invitation to visit them this winter for a few days. I might take them up on the offer. I still haven’t made any concrete visit plans. Hopefully the airlines will throw out some good discounts during October. Then we shall see about the holidays. I think we will make our trek to the southland sometime next year. I don’t think Doris is too interested in going. I understand her lack of interest to a certain extent. If that Alyx is interested, I suppose she and I should make the trip. How about Steven?

Did you hear that Erika is pregnant? Due sometimes early 93. Kim is still pending marriage in April I believe. I hear from Noelle occasionally. She seems to be getting along well, working hard as a nurse in a nursing home in Ft. Collins. I question her selection of a boyfriend (but don’t we all?). She never sounds too happy when she calls. He is going to school, a rather nice fellow but seems so immature to take on marital responsibilities. I hope I am wrong.

Election time is drawing near, isn’t it? Ross Perot is toying again with the idea of reentering the race for President. It is alright for him to play politics so long as he don’t do anything that will spoil Clinton’s chances to kick Bush out of office. In my view, the country has been so fouled up under 11 years of Reagan/Bush policies that it will take a decade of pain before the country is straightened out. I think we will be in real serious trouble if Bush manages to sneak by and get reelected.

It is nearing supper time. Three guesses what I am cooking up today...

I don’t know the name of it but the ingredients are squid, daikon, Konyamu wakame and gobo. It was a family favorite. We are having a district meeting* here tonight so I will share some of it with the WD. I have already tasted it and it tasted real authentic. I am (in my opinion) getting pretty good “international cuisine”. I pick up cooking tips from various sources. Yoshiko’s Chef at her Chinese restaurant let me in on some of his secrets. One of my favorites is a relatively simple chicken dish. It goes like this: completely thaw out a large frying chicken. In a large pan, bring enough water to completely the chicken to a rapid boil and let it cook for about 20 minutes. Remove from the boiling water. In the meantime, prepare a sauce using soy sauce, grated garlic, ginger cut in small strips, a little sugar, and a dash of hot sesame oil. Cut the chicken up into frying sized pieces, place on a platter and pour the sauce over the chicken. Finally, place chopped cilantro over the dish. It is simple and it is good! Note: It is necessary that the chicken not be frozen when it is placed in the boiling water. It is preferable that it be left out for a while to raise the temperature before boiling. On many occasions, I try to recall some of the dishes Mom used to make. She was not keen on letting me know too much about her cooking secrets. My traditional role in the kitchen while she was cooking was sort of like a kitchen helper, relegated to such simple tasks as fanning the cooked rice that she was going to use for making sushi, or slicing vegetables for tempura. None of the technical stuff. However, I did manage to steal some of her prized methods. This comes in handy because I have not lost any of my love for the taste of Japanese foods. I like to cook and also like to eat, so getting a balanced meal is not a problem at this point.

Rather than review my letter in its entirety to correct the misspelled words, I am going to send it on as it is written. In all probability, if I go back to edit it I will end up attempting to rewrite it and never finish. Anyway, you can figure out what I am trying to say. Today is Friday, the 2nd of October, a beautiful day. I have done morning Gongyo*, had breakfast, had a visitor who accompanied me on my walk around Prospect Lake. I plan to visit Richard this evening, perhaps spend the night there. He is so busy with his golf obsession and keeping up with his three business things that time is not sufficient for him to leave his area.

This is a picture I took when the kids were here this summer*. I think it is now time to say goodbye. Don’t you?

Love,

Dad

_______________________________________________________________________

*District Meeting* - Buddhist district meetings were monthly meet-ups for the area in which you lived. In bigger cities, like LA, there were more districts. In a city like Colorado Springs, districts were smaller and Buddhists drove further to get to meetings.

*WD* aka women’s division. The SGI has a long-standing tradition of peer group-led meetings. It’s always had men’s division, women’s division and youth division.

*morning Gongyo* - if you chanted morning gongyo you’re basically crushing it.

*no clue what picture* Oh how I wish I had it now.

[hollenka99]

The Great War

Summary: Jackson Trinity continues to find more success, Jameson with it. However, a war rages on in Europe and it is inevitable that hearts will be broken by the end of it.

Warnings: Minor character death, World War One, references to infant/child mortality

July 29, 1914

Dear Mother,

I think I may have accidentally trained my son to call me Pops. He quite enjoys it when Siobhan and I sing 'Pop Goes The Weasel'. I think it may be his favourite tune. Siobhan will sing the song while I will pop to emphasize the last line by pulling my finger out of my mouth. He loves that. He has taken to following me around, attempting to do the same. Failing that, he tries to say the word.

So, I suppose I am 'Pops' now. I don't mind, especially with origins like these. Siobhan is still 'Momma'.

Yours, Jameson

August 5, 1914 Harvey,

I heard Great Britain declared war on Germany. I know exactly what that means for Canada. I also know what your intentions are. I disagree with them wholly. Enlisting is the wrong thing to do. You have three young daughters who rely on you, not to mention Edith. What would happen to them while you were away getting shot at?

I don't know whether you miss South Africa, the structure of the army or simply enjoy risking your safety. I cannot begin to imagine why you are so set on enlisting. I could tell you would be the type to come running at Hughes' beck and call. And to think, I counted myself lucky that the British had not yet announced their plans to get involved.

Yours, Jameson

August 21, 1914 Jameson,

For someone who is rarely verbal, you have surprising trouble knowing when to keep your mouth shut.

I am fully aware of the risks involved with warfare. Have you forgotten that I have military experience? I've already fought against those primitive Boers. The Europeans should be an actual fight worth being part of.

Furthermore, don't speak to me about leaving family behind. You make constant promises of visiting Saint John yet never deliver upon them. You are forever telling us you plan to see your nieces and nephews then never show. We wouldn't know what Anthony looks like if it were not for those meaningless photographs you send. When you stop turning your back on us so you can progress your career, perhaps then we can discuss familial commitment.

It's all glamorous for you, the beginnings of a life in the spotlight. Soon, you'll have it all. By the end of the decade, you'll be living in a large expensive home with an impressive array of influential acquaintances. One day, it will all come crashing down on you. Technology will advance further than you can cope and it will leave you irrelevant. Face it Jameson, moving pictures are going to have sound eventually. Where is that going to leave a mute such as yourself?

My daughters will grow up knowing their father served their country bravely, an ordinary hero like thousands of others. All Anthony will have to be proud of is a father who starred in the pictures before he became forgotten about.

Yours, Harvey

September 7, 1914 Harvey,

Don't try insult me.

When I inevitably have to hold our mother as she grieves, I'll remember how stubbornly arrogant you have been. You weren't there for over two years. There wasn't a day where she wouldn't worry endlessly for your safety. Then Father died. We had to watch her fall apart. He'd been ill during Christmastide and he barely saw the new year. She became a widow and all she would talk about was the goddamn telegram she swore she would receive any day. It was hell to see her like that. I may live on the other side of the continent, in whole other country, but I know where her head will go as soon as you leave Saint John. I'm not 13 any longer. I am not at home to ensure she is not fixated on very possible outcomes. The only one left in Saint John will be Mabel. God knows she pulled her weight and then some at the beginning of this century. Once again, you're tearing everything apart.

It is clear you have rendered yourself deaf to sense. So go. Go get yourself killed. Allow yourself to be shot at, far away from home and curse your family with bereavement. Make your daughters question what their absent father was like. I don't care if you find your life at the factory tedious. Your outlet should not be risking everything that matters. No brother of mine would turn his back on family.

Furthermore, I have been to Saint John with Anthony. You could have met him if you weren't celebrating Thanksgiving elsewhere. I know my career has a time limit. It is why I am so determined to succeed and give my son the best life possible. Far better than the life you could ever provide your children. I may have been happy to lend you some of my profits, if you weren't acting like an ass.

Yours, Jameson

October 19, 1914 Dear Jameson,

While I am tired of hearing about your argument with Harvey, I thought you have the right to be updated. He went to Quebec earlier this week to hear Sam Hughes' speak before being shipped across the Atlantic. The girls and I will be okay. Your mother has kindly offered to let us stay at her home should we ever need it.

I share a similar view to yours regarding all of this. I by no means wished for him to leave. He wholeheartedly believes this is what he should do. The government is bound to release propaganda to encourage enlistment eventually. I suppose, as his wife, I can't do anything but trust he will return.

All the best, Edith

November 11, 1914 Dear Mother,

Siobhan has been longing for a pet for several months now. We have made the commitment of owning a dog. It is a Dalmatian she has named Lyra. Anthony has immediately taken to her. My only concern is that he will treat her too roughly and she will defend herself aggressively. He doesn't know much better but we are trying to prevent anything from happening.

I have taken to helping train her in my spare time. It is refreshing to be obeyed by a creature of lesser intelligence. It may be too soon for results to show but it is a start. Perhaps you should get yourself a dog as well. I'm sure Harvey's girls would adore one. Mabel might be interested in introducing a pet into her family. That said, Walter (if he is indeed a boy as she insists) is going to be born any day now. Maybe she should wait until her sons are older.

Yours, Jameson

April 13, 1915 Dear Mother,

Have you seen Chaplin's latest? That Tramp character looks like he has promise. My Jolly Gentleman is selling well also. I am grateful people adore him. He is dear to me. Could you imagine a meeting between Chaplin's Tramp and my Gentleman? It would be quite the escapade.

Did Cliff tell you I've met the man? They are acquaintances from their respective times at Keystone. I met Cliff outside of the studios at the end of a day of filming. Chaplin was there too. Cliff introduced us so I did my best to strike a short conversation. He comes across as a good fellow. If I'm going to be honest, I find it difficult to imagine he and the Tramp share the same face. I doubt people have the same issue with me as my moustache is genuine.

Yours, Jameson

June 11, 1915 Dear all,

We're amazed by how successful 'Puppet Man' has become. To think, the idea came to me from a children's book. I bought a copy of Carlo Collodi's 'The Adventures of Pinocchio' last year. It is originally Italian but a woman named Mary Alice Murray translated it into English. It has illustrations and I generally thought Anthony would enjoy it. Instead, I found myself reading it.

It's about a carpenter who creates the eponymous puppet boy. Pinocchio is a compulsive lair and by the end he finds himself as real of a boy as any reading the story. The Christian message is blatant but overall, it is not a bad book. My only issue with it is the scene where bandits hang Pinocchio until they tire of waiting for him to suffocate. I am not sure whether I will include that part when reading it to Anthony.

I never plagiarized. 'Puppet Man' was merely inspired by the story. I could never use the elongating nose because that trait is unique to Pinocchio. Honestly, the only similarities between the two are that a puppet finds life by the finale.

Still, $300,000 is a lot of money. We've never made this much profit before. It's not our first feature film but this is Pearl's directorial debut. This may be the big break we've been hoping for. We have nothing to do but celebrate and plan how to proceed.

Yours, Jameson

Oliver Charles Jackson Male October 21, 1915 Los Angeles Siobhan O'Hara Jameson Jackson

October 30, 1915 Dear all,

It seems we have a jealous older brother on our hands. Yesterday, we found Anthony hiding Oliver in his toy box after he emptied it, saying it was all Oliver's fault. When he noticed we were watching, he cried. He says we stopped paying attention to him and that he's been replaced. I attempted to calmly explain to him why we don't bury baby brothers in our toys.

It may take time for him to get used to this new arrangement. Let us hope the two are on better terms eventually. As of now, it is clear he is the same Anthony he was a month ago. He later leaned over the cot and reminded 'Ollie' who was in control but was apologetic when caught. He's just attention-seeking now that his parents have to dedicate more time to the baby. I was similarly upset with Pearl, wasn't I?

Yours amusingly, Jameson

January 23, 1916 Dear Jameson,

It was delightful to see you reprising your role as best man at Cliff's wedding. Anthony made a good ring bearer, even if he was a little side-tracked by the amount of guests present. Furthermore, I loved meeting baby Oliver. Either he was on his best behaviour or Anthony is finally beginning to warm to his brother.

I was wrong about Loretta. She is a charming woman and I am glad she has now joined our family. You were right, his relationship with her is worlds away from what he had with Elizabeth. While I do wish them a happy life with children, I can't help but wonder what became of Clara and Daniel. They are still his children, even if none of us have laid eyes on them in years. Let's hope their future half-siblings will be raised with their father present.

Yours, Your mother

May 1, 1916 Dear all,

I have been following the recent rebellion in Ireland. I wasn't exactly supportive of the Unionists using violence to promote their views. Then a British soldier began using human shields and shot a child who was likely minding his own business. His superiors better take appropriate action after this. I'm not necessarily saying the man must hang but he should be punished accordingly. And no plea of insanity. If I hear he gets away with his despicable actions because he feigns insanity or the British turn a blind eye, I will be furious. I sincerely hope the Irish won't let this rebellion be forgotten. I don't endorse the fighting, especially as Europe has enough blood being shed as it is, but I do understand their struggle.

I wonder what Granny would make of all this. It's impossible to forget the passion with which she would insist it was never a famine but a starvation. She had every right to be feel strongly on the subject. I may have listened to her a little too intently as a child. Although, she was always right about the British making their way up the global hierarchy. The sun may never set on the British Empire but maybe it should, it would be easier to pretend blood didn't water the soil years ago.

I've learned two things over the past few years. I find myself somewhat impassioned when it comes to the British and pacifism. I prefer to stay slow to anger. I doubt I will ever cease reacting strongly to those subjects. I plan to stop so I do not carry on this narrow-minded attitude in my sons. Besides, Siobhan is the Irish one. She doesn't have as strong of an opinion on British rule.

I suspect the Irish will continue fighting for the Ireland they want during the remainder of this century. I can only hope the fatalities and casualties involved in this is kept to a minimum.

Yours, Jameson

June 23, 1916 Dear Mother,

The other day, Anthony must have been somewhat bored because he heaved his brother off the floor and made Ollie 'ride' Lyra. I'm not sure how she felt about the incident but she didn't react negatively. Oliver, however, wasn't too pleased to be handled in such a way. Eight months after meeting his brother, Anthony is still learning how to be gentle. I suppose there have been worse brothers. Didn't Cliff try to drag me into the sea at one point because I tripped on his blocks? I glad our relationship has matured and he isn't planning my murder anymore.

I managed to capture the moment. It is a little blurry but you can see well enough what Anthony is doing. I hope you enjoy the photograph.

Yours, Jameson

July 16, 1916 Dear Jameson,

Do you remember David Wynton? The two of you used to be such close friends. You seemed to lose touch with each other after you left for New York. I never really understood why that happened.

I am so sorry, Jameson. I ran into his mother at the market and we began to talk. She received a telegram earlier this month. I didn't know how to respond. I wish I didn't have to tell you about his death. You should at least know.

You have my sympathy, Your mother

August 1, 1916 Dear Mother,

Thank you for telling me the news. Although, I think you may be mistaken. David and I still talked to each other until last year. I'll admit it was at a decreased frequency than in our youth but we corresponded nonetheless. In fact, he was at the wedding. Do you not remember?

Anthony is excited for his fourth birthday next Monday. He is very confused as to why his Pops has suddenly decided to stop playing with him. I feel bad for subjecting him to this unexplained change in behaviour. I'm not sure whether he would even understand the concept of death. I found myself telling Oliver about David last night as I prepared him for bedtime. Nine month olds are not inclined to ask you questions throughout your story. In the end, I had to pass him to Siobhan.

Siobhan herself is very understanding. I am grateful for that, not that I ever expected her to be anything but supportive in times like these. There are boys she knew from Limerick who are never coming home too.

I wish this war would end already. In the very least, we still have Harvey. As against his decision as I am, I do miss him. If this is how affected I am by the death of a lifelong friend, I cannot bare the thought of losing a brother.

Tell his family I am thinking of them, Jameson

October 12, 1916 Dear Mother,

It was odd to be back in Saint John after the news earlier this year. Even stranger was visiting David's family for a moment to personally give my sympathies, only to discover he has a son. He'd told me he had a girlfriend but never mentioned she had been expecting when he left. Maybe he believed I'd think less of him because the boy is illegitimate. I never could judge him for that.

It is funny that his son is named Winston. David was always jokingly telling me he would have a son with that name. I would proceed to chuckle and encourage him to do so with jest. I am beginning to question whether he had been serious the whole time. I do find it humorous that there is a Winston Wynton out there in the world. That knowledge makes it easier to carry on without being able to properly bid farewell to his father.

If I were raising my sons in Saint John, I would like the three boys to be friends, preferably as close as their fathers were.

Yours, Jameson

November 27, 1916 Dear Mother,

If you hear anything about a lawsuit involving us, ignore it. It is complete nonsense. Keystone claim Cliff has performed mutiny, betrayed them, whatever drivel they are spouting this week. There is no case. There was no legal agreement that Cliff wouldn't return to Jackson Trinity during his contract with Keystone. Even so, he had little involvement with our productions during that time out of respect. His contract had been ceased for several months before any of these allegations began.

We have found ourselves a decent lawyer, simply for the security of it. It is best to prepare in case Keystone's legal team is persuasive. He agrees this is all hot air but understands why we are being cautious.

Yours, Jameson

April 6, 1917 Dear all,

Nearly three years into the war, the United States of America has declared war on Germany. I suppose the allies are glad for the extra help. God knows how long this conflict will last. I recall people insisting it would all be over by Christmas. Three years ago. There are hundreds of thousands of American men who are of the right age and fitness to enlist. With all those new recruits, perhaps this is the boost the allies need to win.

However long this war lasts, I am dreading the first glimpse of how affected the country is by the deaths of family members that will inevitably come. Let's pray it will be this Christmas that we can celebrate peacetime once more.

Yours, Jameson

July 21, 1917 Dear all,

The case has been won in our favour. The three of us are relieved. We will celebrate quietly then return to business as usual. This was simply an annoying blip.

Just thought I'd update you on our situation.

Yours, Jameson

October 14, 1917 Dear Jameson,

How are you doing? I am looking forward to seeing you again one day. It will be a good day. We can share a drink and you can live up to your name, Whiskey. With an Irish wife, I expect you to outdrink me with ease. I would kill for some alcohol now.

I wanted to apologize, Jem. We've had a tense relationship over these past few years and I've sensed the distance between us. I thought I knew full well how dangerous the battlefield can be. I know that far better than you, yet I was the one who chose to join regardless. I've since discovered France is nothing like South Africa.

You've constantly blamed me for abandoning my family. I can assure you that I love Edith and my daughters. All I wanted was for them to grow up with a favourable impression of me. Isn't that what we all wish for, our children wanting to follow in our example? You have no idea how desperately I'd love to see them right now. I want to be reunited with you all.

I want you to know I'm proud of you. While we can't exactly go to the pictures here, I have heard a fair amount of news about your success from Saint John. I know it is a team effort and the three of you are just as responsible for your rise as each other. That said, there would be no movie without a script. All the actors are doing are bringing your stories to life. You were always good with a pen. You're not bad with arithmancy but, trust me Jem, you would be wasted as an accountant.

I've also heard you've given Anthony a little brother. Make sure they don't end up like us. No one person can control the events of the world but you can raise your sons on knowledge of our mistakes. Teach them to be forgiving. Teach them time is not always their ally. Most importantly, teach them to treasure each other and never forsake the bond they were gifted. If they don't heed those words, then it all goes to waste.

I'm in the infirmary right now. Breathed in something I shouldn't have. It was unintentional but I am sitting here, resenting my foolishness. I hope you can forgive me for all our quarrels. I will be fine, don't you worry. We can shake hands the next time we meet.

Wishing you a long and happy life, Harvey

October 26, 1917 Dear Clifford, Jameson and Pearl,

I'm sure you are all hard at work. I am looking forward to watching your latest feature at the Imperial. However, I insist that you return home immediately. I received a telegram regarding Harvey. The worst has happened. We need to be together as a family.

Regrettably awaiting your arrival, Your mother

November 4, 1917 Dear Harvey,

Yes, you are a fool. But so am I. This is my fault. I've been so angry at the prospect of losing those dear to me I acted irrationally.

Dorothy, Alice and Minerva could never see you in a bad light. They only wish to have you home for good. You've missed three years of their lives but it can be rectified. I hear from Edith that next year, Dorothy and Minnie are beginning middle school and elementary school respectively. Be there for that. They are growing up faster than you'd like. I struggle to understand how Anthony and Ollie are already 5 and 2 years old.

I know you never cared for ancient texts but I am reminded of a moment during the Trojan War. There was a disagreement between Agamemnon and Achilles. After Achilles' good friend (some argued lover) dies protecting his honour, Agamemnon apologizes to Achilles. He says something along the lines of the gods stealing their common sense. I feel that applies to us.

God must have stolen both of our common sense. I am willing to let bygone be bygones so long as you

March 6, 1918 Dear Jameson,

We saw your latest film. We can't say we enjoyed the messages it conveyed.

I will warn you once and once only; do not let your works become political. This will get you nowhere and destroy the reputation you have earned. Especially when you come to your senses and remind yourself that the war in Europe is yet to reach its conclusion.

I understand Jem, I truly do. We are all doing our best to carry on without Harvey. Making a film about boys being raised to fight is not the right way to grieve. For the love of God, you used your sons! I hope you feel at least the slightest bit of shame. How Cliff or Pearl, let alone your wife, allowed you to use them is a mystery to me.

I remember the happy boy who would steal my candy when he thought I wasn't looking. I remember the brother who smiled whenever he was ill so we wouldn't fret too much. I remember the Jem who had his voice stolen as a child, his health forever compromised, but took it all in his stride.

I don't recall a man with an uncharacteristically dark mind.

You have so much to be happy about. Your third child is due in June, you have a successful career and business, your wife cares for you and you still have three other siblings who have always been there for you.

Please think things through, Mabel

Sophia Evelyn Jackson Female April 29, 1918 Los Angeles Siobhan O'Hara Jameson Jackson

May 8, 1918 Dear Mother,

Sophia arrived a week ago on the 29th. She is 5 weeks too early and I have been so consumed with anxiety that I forgot to even inform you of her birth. I apologize.

The boys haven't been able to properly meet their sister. Children are so susceptible to diseases. God forbid one of them develops a cold and interacts with Sophia. She is so unbearably fragile as of right now. All it takes is for her to be infected with a common illness, one that is relatively harmless, and she could be gone.

I fear that will be the thing to push me over the edge. Harvey's death is fresh and I can't bare to lose more of those I care for. Everything is out of my control and cruelly so. I know there were two between myself and Pearl. Siobhan had a number of older siblings she never got to meet. Was this how it was for you and her parents? I know Cliff and I had a habit of making a nuisance of ourselves. If we caused you distress while you suffered this way, I cannot begin to apologize enough.

I don't care if she is a sickly child. She can spend her whole life bedridden and I will care for her with everything I have. I will happily remain paranoid regarding her wellbeing for as long as I live. If she must be isolated for her own good, I will keep her company. So long as she is still here. There cannot be any other alternative.

Wishing I could have given you good news, Jameson

November 12, 1918 Dear all,

It's over! It's finally over. I may have shed a tear or two when I heard the news. I can't help but think of all the fortunate families who will be welcoming their fathers, husbands and brothers back home. I can't imagine how relieved they must be at the announcement. Then there are families such as ours who will find all of this bittersweet. I suppose the only comfort we can have is that no more will have to grieve like us because of the Great War.

They call it the war to end all wars and, as desperately hopeful as I am that will prove true, I know what Man is like. Give it a century or so. The survivors will pass war stories down to their sons and grandsons. One day, this war will be but a collection of stories and some fool will cause history to repeat itself.

I'll do what I can to make sure neither Anthony nor Oliver will end up that fool. I hated having to raise them during such a horrific conflict. I hope they won't remember this part of their life. Six and three years of age is too young to retain vivid memories, I think.

Thinking of you, Jameson

[autoirishlitdiscourses]

Discourse of Friday, 30 April 2021

Very well done! I thought you might start by asking me to say that what he can find one or two during busy parts of the passage you'll be able to fill out your ideas that are not particularly likely, but will ensure that you discovered that I don't think that your choices of when to give a paper that is not absolutely required still, as I've learned myself over the break. If you're scheduled to do this at this point. Come to section. James Joyce's Ulysses/at Wikibooks: Daniel Swartz's article 'Tell Us in Plain Words': An Introduction to Reading Joyce's 'Ulysses': Joyce's two structural schema of/The Music Box/1932: There will be, in case the first person to ask you to avoid thinking that an A for the quarter to get reading quizzes or to and overview of the ideas and where it could be said for the quarter. You also made very good job!

Chivalry is in any way that Francie's home is? Hi! This means that that alone would pull you up effectively to larger themes remember that I'll be leaving town at 7 p. I'm glad that you sometimes retreat holds your argument's specificity back to you. Note: Papers with substantial deviations from the first three paragraph exactly of the day that your topic in a lot of ways, and the next two days to grade your paper never quite come out unscathed, full of rather depictions that are relevant to your large-scale concerns very effectively and provided a good job on this. There were some pauses for recall. All of these things, this is a strong piece of writing of which parts of the landscape and love it and bringing up the last week week. So, in particular from Penelope, is the best way. Yet another potentially useful gender-based and less discussion-based Futurist-related questions are related to grotesquerie. Your paper should consist of analytical writing, despite the odd misstep here and there, generally clear and explicit about why you can't get it graded as soon as possible when you make any substantial problems with basic sentence structure are real problems that I've made some comparatively nitpicky things in there. I haven't been able to get back to The Portrait of the quarter. So, what do you think, and I really liked about it not perhaps rather the case. What the professor in our society means that you need to explore additional implications of this poem. Reminder: 4pm today is for it. Don't lose heart while reading through, because I don't know whether this matters, and then re-adding it using the add code as quickly as possible after the final exam and when it comes down to it, though. Here's a breakdown on your preferences and how we have a pretty decent job setting up your more Faulknerian paragraphs into smaller units and use introductory and closing phrases to glance back at a coffee shop, I can get the group up well for a text that they describe. I noticed that paper didn't seem to have practiced a bit too tired tonight to do more than you've managed to introduce a large number of things quite well, empty and abandoned, and the marketplace, and I will post before I do not feel comfortable talking to me, for instance, maybe being a strongly motivated choice I mean, and sometimes the best way to figure out what you want to reschedule after the final. You've made a final selection for what you've outlined a good job of reading the text of some of the group as a whole, though. One is to provide feedback and stopped responding later during your analysis. Crashing? Everything looks pretty good. This means that you're using an edition other than that, since that's a pretty strong claim to prove a historical document and audiovisual component. Hi!

I hope everything is permissible from some viewpoint, but which might be to have sat for a job well done overall. All in all, you will go first or in his own rather unpleasant way about women's bodies. Papers in this particular senior-level details of your discussion notes, but merely that there is a particularly poor job on Wednesday I'll give it back to you. You're perfectly capable of doing so. Yes, there is some aspect of something that will help you to speak instead of asserting X, whereas future audiences will not be articulated with sufficient precision, but I'll most likely cause of her first name/by which you are, but an A paper; and by only an hour or so of all my students develop for their recitation/discussion tomorrow! /Or 3. Mooney. Excellent! Emailing me with an incredibly useful lens to examine, because this coming Wednesday 20 November in section, writing an A-range papers, so let me know what you're working with—you do in leading a discussion. One of the points for both, but I believe strongly that you explicitly say that a number of fingers at the specific parts of the format for the exam is worth slightly more than twelve lines, but it may be an indication that you're trying to force yourself to ground your analysis, too, that it looks like until Wednesday. Ultimately, I Had a Future, McCabe p. The Road, Jose Saramago's Blindness, and that you've chosen, and/or #6, Irish nationalism, exactly, but you really mop the floor with the paper's overall trajectory your paper should be though here and there are thousands, if you want to say about what you're going to motivate other people to speak more is to say that the penalty, you did a good place to close-read. Pre-1971 British and Irish pounds were subdivided not into 100 pence, but not nearly as much as it opens up an analysis and less-intelligent and read well, I'll have one of mine and whom I have not engaged in memorization and recitation in section. Then, when absolutely everything else that is, you email the professor. Even just having page numbers for the student's part, but is likely to be pretty or incredibly detailed, but this is what counts, regardless of their material. You picked a selection from the recitation. The Guardian is certainly the best possible light in the construction of Irish literature 30% of your paper's overall point s of interpretation. I suggest these things not because you will need to back up your claims. Here is the portrayal of Rosie is perhaps productive, but I also want to say this again: getting any penalties at this question, or a synthesis of other things well here, and see what people do some of the quarter when we talked earlier today, you have a great deal more during quarters when students aren't doing a close reading exercise that digs out your major: The Wall Street Journal speculates about whether you're technically meeting the discussion requirement. If you need to start participating and pick up points not even bothering to guess on years for texts, and not because I don't fully know myself the professor offered to people, and getting hardware serviced costs a fucking arm and a real discussion to take larger interpretive risks or make interpretation difficult in multiple absences and is as follows: total number of points. I'm actually interpreting the three poets the professor to ensure that you are not major, it's a good one. Great! Noisy selfwilled man. Thanks! The University of California, nothing is more complex than the mandatory minimum is an unlucky month for marriages may be rare and/or the argument itself is sensitive and nuanced interpretation—I've tried to cover, refreshing everyone's memory on the final exam yes, including participation and your analytical structure sets you up to be avoiding picking too many emails shortly before each paper grade. All of which has Calc, a good student and my grading rubric that I think that you speak enough in section when you sense that it isn't, because as declared in the meantime, you will leave the room. Which isn't to say that I would suggest and this may not have a more natural-appearing and impassioned delivery.

This might be interesting ways by a group is one of three people reciting from Godot tomorrow. So I told you that this is a waste? Introductions. Once you have previously requested that I don't want to have thrown them away when going through them first-in-lecture boost; yes, that's fine. Section website, because that would be central to the rest of the text of the class to jump in, so if you're so sick.

Your paper should be clear on parts of the deeper structures. Updated 27 October 2013. I'd suggest at this point, if you send me email or by email except to respond to each section that you want to know. You expressed an interest in responses to individual instructors. There were some retractions and pauses for recall before the reflecting gleams. Learn German too. I think that specificity will pay off as much as it turns out that many people in the depth that you wanted to make broader revisions. The fact that these may very well here: you had thought a good selection and delivered it very well and can't assert offhand that these may very well done! I offer the same names to denote the same time, fifteen minutes if you were trying to crash. I'm imagining doing is just a bit more. Asking an open-ended questions intimidating or not, because I realized that your topic to keep people from the second line of the quietest sections I have to do this, let me know if you ask people for general comments people can find a recording of your introduction is actually rather weak, because that will be note that he has otherwise been quite the digression from what I initially thought I was now a dual citizen. 7% in the course. Burroughs, etc. Assignment Guidelines handout, you should know the name is absurd too: Malachi Mulligan, two of which has been trying hard with limited success to motivate discussion, actually. It's often that the definition for all students, generally aren't actually addressing the crowd at a more specific about where you're getting your ideas, though this is a fascinating topic that is sophisticated, nuanced close readings of the class was welcoming and supportive to other students were generally productive, and what is being transmitted, specifically? You're got a good weekend! It would have paid off with a copy of those three poets the professor was discussing in lecture or section, but not catastrophically so. I've posted a copy of the recording of the Gabler course edition of Ulysses with you that I think that your citation page distinguish this. I recall correctly. See you in the course. I'll see you next week.

[actionfigurebullshit]

Time?

It’s not a new idea.

FIN

...

Sorry, I just thought that’d make a nice, neat post. I’ll move on. What I mean to say is that I’ve had this... feeling, of late, that it might be time to make an attempt to continue “Chaos Corridor”. It’s not the first time in the past couple of years that I’ve felt this way, so I’m not sure there’s that much difference. I was using unused phones from friends to do those last animations, but a little over a year ago, I joined the 21st century and got a smartphone of my own. I’ve done a few animations on it, since. A couple posts back is something cryptic about “P. Carr”. I had an idea to do an AFB-ish take on Star Trek Picard. I had the Farmer Picard action figure... What if Pappy Gabel was from a maternal line, and that his last name was actually Carr?

Anyway, not much came of that, though the animation appeared in two TC videos, the most recent one being “4000 Posts-B”, which also had A Very Extra Special Cameo by the AFB gang. It wasn’t just special because it was that set of action figures, but because it was also the realization of something I’ve wanted to do for a very long time, and that was do my own stop motion animation from those ABC Saturday morning bumpers.

The P. Carr animation was mildly disappointing, but there wasn’t much thought put into it, and while there wasn’t much put into the “Bumper” stuff, I did plan it out like I did in AFB- at least, as far as I can remember doing it. Because the bumper clip had audio, and things connected with the audio, I was able to look at each second of that audio clip and think how I can spread out that action across 10 frames. A reminder- it’s called Action Figure Bullshit for a reason, so 10 is pretty good for me. AFB was supposed to be the spiritual successor to an older project I did on VHS which had a setting on it allowing me to do some awesome four frames a second animation. WOO! It was actually awesome because it meant that it was a guaranteed shot. I had another camcorder before this one- probably better in many respects, but you had to do the animation by clicking the record button twice. A little record animation would appear and you could use that to time the shots. Overall, my animation fps was superior, but the shots were inconsistent. Sometimes shots were too long, or didn’t make it in because there wasn’t enough time between pressing the record button. If I suddenly found myself in 2002 again, and forced to remake this stuff, I’d be tempted to animate things a little more carefully between quarter second and then fast forward the video tape in a way that wouldn’t garble the screen, and record THAT VCR fast forwarding through the video and add your audio. For analog stuff, that’d be a nightmare and would require an impossible amount of perfect timing... at least, for what I had- aging home entertainment system components for lower class rural America in the year 2002...

I still think about making videos that way, though, all the different things I could do with it today if I dared.

Anyway, AFB was never meant to be more than just a tiny bit better than those animations. My old 2007 digital camcorder could take low resolution pictures. It seemed the easiest way to take images- it has a remote, it goes on my tripod just fine, and I have oodles of ways to import and fashion those pictures into animations. As I continued to work on it, the animation got... SLIGHTLY BETTER!

So, being out of AFB action for so long, I thought aiming for 10 was a bit lofty, but it was just the easiest thing to do. How long does it take for the characters in the ABC claymation to turn around when the music starts? A second? Okay, how can I have Moxie, Greta, and... Douglas? Mimic that in 10 frames. It was a good way to get into it.

I was a little unsure with the rest, and I wasn’t going to worry about making the animation too complicated, so Trent merely spins around with the “drumsticks” rather than, you know, hitting it like a fucking drum like he should. Then it devolves into silliness, which is a hallmark of my animation- go back and watch AFB. When a scene goes on for a while, it will end with something bizarre and silly. Case in point, in some of the earliest animations in the TV room before Moxie and Newton arrive, Greta starts laughing, and then flies away, and it’s quite obvious Douglas and Trent are confused by what just took place. That was one of the first animations done during that “film bonanza” of October 2015. That date in Back to the Future, Part II? On that date, I was filming this stuff, though I think I was several days past that scene...

All that filming actually became my much needed exercise. It’s very physically demanding to film all that stuff. The lowest weight I’ve been in six years came from those days. Naturally, filming those 40 frames was extremely taxing on my neglected body. I was shaking towards the end...

But I was so glad I did it. I put aside doubt and rumination and just went for it, one and done, we’ll see what happens. 20 minutes later, I had my frames, and when I got to my last cut, I ended up with 10fps, even though I made 40 frames for 5 seconds. Somehow, it works. That’s the nice thing about not having to be too precise with these animations. It’s a lot like pairing music and visuals- there are so many different ways the pairing can pop. I found something that worked.

I’m in between creative projects, and fearful of falling into a depression since I just finished a project a few days ago- all those pages from Purp4e that actually got TC to 4,000 posts. I’ve thought about a lot of intermediate things I could do before trying to make an attempt at Chaos Corridor Continues, but what if all that just ends up being hoops to jump through, stumbling blocks? Why not seize this moment and just go right into it?

For sure, there’s prep work, but really, we’re talking a few minutes, and then when it’s film time, it’s like Vamos Pest Management- it’s completely set up, used, and then broken down. That will have to be a condition of doing this- there will be a strict time limit, and in order to meet it, clean up time has to be considered. This is kind of discouraging to me because I like having those moments to really space out and think about what I’m going to do before I go do it. Perhaps there’s no need to do that with Chaos Corridor since, like the ABC bumper commercial, it’s all put together already- the audio part, anyway. I may recruit the Trent actor to do some sweet audio mixing with me when the time comes, but I think the placement of the audio is going to be the same, and if it isn’t, refer to what I said earlier about how the animation has many ways it can fit in with the audio. It’ll work, no matter what happens... or... maybe I just bomb at it. I’ve had a few failed attempts- the animation just doesn’t come together, or despite some supposed production, it doesn’t feel right, it doesn’t feel like it’s time to go to the next scene. For whatever reason, it just doesn’t work, and sometimes that’s all there is to it. If it keeps breaking down, then I know now is not the time and I can move on.

Oh, but if it works... like I said, it’s all set up. There’s quite a bit that takes place in this scene. This will keep me busy for a long time, another reason I want to get to it now, rather than later. I don’t want this to be something I’m still thinking about in the future. Do I want to make other AFB videos? You bet. This one. Please, no.

...

Here’s an idea:

PREP WORK

I’ll get the box. I’ll get the other box. I’ll clear the cheap Wal-Mart coffee table off. I will figure out a way to store the big box down here. I will track down the AFB notebook, I will...

What else do I need to do to get filming immediately?

Let’s see how far away from “ready” I am by this time tomorrow.

[wineanddinosaur]

Esther Mobley on California’s Devastating Fire Season

Airing between regular episodes of the VinePair Podcast, “Next Round” explores the ideas and innovations that are helping drinks businesses adapt in a time of unprecedented change. As the coronavirus crisis continues and new challenges arise, VP Pro is in your corner, supporting the drinks community for all the rounds to come. If you have a story or perspective to share, email us at podcast@vinepair.com.

In this Next Round, VinePair Podcast host Zach Geballe and San Francisco Chronicle wine critic Esther Mobley discuss the devastating wildfires in Napa and Sonoma Counties. The Glass Fire has been burning since September 27th, and during the time of recording on October 8, the fire was at about 66 percent containment.

As a reporter in the Bay Area, Mobley works to provide information regarding damages to the wine industry — as well as dispelling as much misinformation as possible. As a member of the press, she has been able to experience firsthand the destruction and devastation caused by the fires since they began almost two weeks ago. The fire, as of this point, has scorched over 67,000 acres and destroyed more than 1,500 buildings throughout Napa and Sonoma County.

As the coronavirus pandemic continues, the fires have caused further damage to the already affected tourism industry. Moving forward, wineries and vineyards may face further disadvantages as they evaluate the impact of the fires on their crops, as potential smoke taint may limit the number of vintages produced this year.

For more information regarding Mobley’s coverage and updates on the current state of fires in the area, check out Mobley’s weekly newsletter, Drinking with Esther, that can be found at SFchronicle.com/newsletters.

Listen online

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Or check out the conversation here

Zach: From Seattle Washington, I’m Zach Geballe. And this is Next Round, a VinePair Podcast conversation. We’re bringing you these conversations between our regular podcast episodes in order to examine how we move forward as a drinks business throughout the Covid-19 crisis. Today, I’m talking with Esther Mobley once again. She’s the wine critic at the San Francisco Chronicle. Esther, I think you’re our most frequent guests now on the podcast. Congratulations.

Esther: What an honor! Wow.

Z: Unfortunately, as we were discussing a moment ago, we mostly have you on when things are going badly in California wine country. Maybe one of these days we’ll have you on for a purely celebratory conversation, but for now, let’s start with the basics. We’re recording this on Thursday, October 8th in the afternoon. What’s the current state of fires in the Napa and Sonoma area?

E: The only fire right now in the Napa and Sonoma area is the Glass Fire. It started on September 27th, and it’s still active. It’s still very much a threat to people and buildings, but it’s at 66 percent containment. It has burned, so far, over 67,000 acres. It’s destroyed over 1,500 buildings. It’s really wreaked havoc. The thing everyone in the Bay Area right now is praying for is rain, and earlier in the week, it looked like we were going to get a lot of rain that was going to really help the firefighting efforts. Now, it looks like we’re going to get a little, but not as much as we’d hoped. And next week it’s going to be hotter, it looks like. Everyone’s just kind of watching the weather conditions because the fire still could go in a number of different directions from where it is now.

Z: For those of us who were not in and around the Bay Area wine country in Northern California, all we kind of had to go on was scattered social media accounts — yours, and others, about what was going on. Obviously, the fire is not extinguished and there’s still danger but now that things are maybe a little bit more calm. Can you mention some numbers? Can we talk a little bit more about specifics? What did we lose? What is it like from the wine industry perspective? Obviously, many people who are connected to the industry, or who live in that area, lost homes, lost lives, unfortunately. But from the perspective of the wine industry, what was the damage?

E: The Glass Fire is undoubtedly the most destructive fire Napa Valley’s ever seen, in general, but also for the wine industry, we’ve confirmed 26 winery or vineyard properties that have had damaged or destroyed structures. So not all of those are completely gone. In some cases those are an owner’s home, but pretty striking numbers. In all the fires in 2017 that hit Napa County and Sonoma County, there were several all at once in Napa County, we only knew of six wineries that had been damaged. So this is really a striking figure. I don’t know if folks remember in 2017, on the first night of the Atlas Fire, Signorello Estate, which is in Napa on the Silverado Trail, was really the first iconic image to be seen with this grand winery on the most storied avenue in Napa, totally engulfed in flames. And this year, it was eerie. The first night of the fire, a Sunday night, Château Boswell, just a few miles up the Silverado Trail, was seen in flames too — a stone building, which you don’t think will burn — and it really went from there. A number of wineries clustered around there in Calistoga on the Silverado trail saw damage. Howell mountain, Burgess Cellars, one that just a few weeks earlier had been purchased in this really high profile deal from the Burgess family by Galen Lawrence, Jr., the Arkansas billionaire who’s buying up Napa properties like Heights. And then it jumped over the Valley from the East side to the West side, it landed at Sterling Vineyards, one of Napa’s most famous estates. It didn’t really do huge destruction there but there was some damage. It hopped over to Highway 29. It decimated this farmhouse, doesn’t really look like a farmhouse, it’s a big stone building at Castello di Amorosa. And then really the most destructive period of the fire was when it started creeping up Spring Mountain — a really beautiful wine growing district in the western hills of Napa, the Mayacamas Range. It seems like Spring Mountain hasn’t seen wildfires since the 1870s. Given what we’re learning about wildfire, it probably had really a lot of flammable material that was going to be pretty vulnerable and a number of estates along Spring Mountain, Barons, Sherwin, Cain, lost most or all of their winery, in some cases, entire vintages worth. But I think it’s important to note 26 is a high number of wineries or vineyard properties to have been damaged, but it’s really a small fraction of what the wine industry is there. There’s over 500 wineries in Napa County. We’re fine. You would see wineries right next to ones that had burned that were totally unscathed. These wildfires can move in a kind of illogical path, so it’s definitely important to note that just because a winery in one area burned, doesn’t mean that all the wineries in that area burned.

Z: I have a question that’s specifically about your job, because unfortunately, you are getting to be experienced at tracking these fires. What is that period like for you? What are you doing when these wildfires are burning? Do you drive up to Napa? Do you try and get as close as you can? How do you cover these?

E: That’s a great question. Thanks for asking. Yes, it’s a mix of reporting from my computer in San Francisco, over the phone, and going and driving around myself. Press can get beyond evacuation points. Most of the time, the police will waive us through the police barricades. They won’t do that when it’s really dangerous. In fact, last week, at one point I was trying to get up Spring Mountain Road to inspect some wineries up there, and it’s one thing when you’re on Highway 29 or the Silverado Trail where they’re pretty open, you’re not up a little winding mountain road, but sometimes, you’re driving up these roads and you’re like, “Well, if a tree fell, if an electrical line fell, I might not have another way out.” So anyway, I was denied access to Spring Mountain Road because the police officer said trees were still falling. And I said, “That’s just fine. I’m going to turn my car around.” But it’s a mix. I don’t cover these wildfires alone. There’s a newsroom of 200 journalists. In a crisis like this, we have dozens of reporters and photographers on the scene. For instance, the Glass Fire broke out early on a Sunday, but it didn’t really start wreaking havoc on wineries until that night, which is when Château Boswell went up in flames. Monday morning, I was paired up with a colleague of mine, Chase, who drove up there, and I was on my computer, texting people wildly, looking at maps, trying to understand where the fire was, and with Chase and a photographer, I was kind of directing them. “Oh, can you go here? Can you see what happened there?” Connecting them with winery owners. And what’s crucial at this point, is most of the winery owners aren’t there, they had to evacuate. They don’t know what happened. Some people stay behind and defy evacuation orders — our fire agency does not condone that — and they can’t get past the police barricades, so we’re often in the position of telling them what happened to their property, especially in these early couple of days when few people have been back there and they’re relying on our word and our photos to learn what happened. It’s a bit of a messy process initially, you’re calling the winery to be like, “How’s your winery?” They’re like, “I don’t know.” Then I’m calling my colleague and I’m like, “Okay, go check out our Hourglass, see what happened there. We think we know the fire went through there, did it, did it destroy any buildings?” And then he goes and sees it and sees the building’s gone. But I don’t know what building that was. Was that the winery, was that the tasting room, was that someone’s home? So then we’re calling the owner of Hourglass, Jeff Smith, and being like, “Okay, here’s what we’re seeing. What is this?” Because this is what happens in these events: There’s so much misinformation, and people will say a winery burned, but it wasn’t the winery, it was some other building. There was really egregious misreporting by some other outlets. Everyone was saying that Failla had burned. Everyone was saying that Rombauer had burned. Both were fine. The fires came to both of those properties, right by Château Boswell, but didn’t burn any structures. Then, on Tuesday morning— this just shows you how popular and beloved Rombauer Chardonnays are — because I’m driving up and I get a call from my editor saying, “One of the most searched Google terms in California right now is Rombauer burning.” And I was like, “We think it didn’t burn. That’s what we learned yesterday.” And she was like, “Can you just go check? Can you guys see?” So I drive up to Rombauer and sure enough, the winemaker Richie Allen is on the crush pad doing some pumps, and he’s fine. We actually decided to run a whole separate story saying Rombauer is fine just because there was such a demand for that piece of information, and also to dispel other rumors. We have to be really careful about this stuff. We’re now at the point where pretty much everyone has gone back, even if they did evacuate. And I haven’t gone up this week at all, I’ve just been reporting from San Francisco, where I can get a lot more writing easily done than when I’m in my car typing and filing a story by texting it to my editor.

Z: It doesn’t sound like a lot of fun. I have one more question on this, and then maybe we can talk a little about some of the other things that are going on. I think of this sometimes as you’re almost breaking the news to someone that a family member has died, if there’s been real damage. How do you do that gently? Do you feel like it’s your obligation to communicate, if you can, with the winery owner before it’s on the Chronicle’s website or on Twitter or whatever? How do you balance that?

E: I don’t know. I’m not sure how to do it the right way. It’s so hard. And to be honest, it’s really an emotional exhaustion that I feel while covering this stuff. And it hurts to experience it, to think about it. I cry a lot, especially when it’s a place that I have a connection to and have spent time at before and know the people. I don’t know. I’m sure that in every case it’s a little bit different how we approach it. But in cases where we haven’t talked to someone from the winery at least to verify what it was that burned, a lot of times we want to know if your wine is there. Is your wine gone? What does that mean? We kind of have to talk to them just for our own fact-checking purposes, and it’s tough. People have different reactions. I have to say everyone has been really kind. Sometimes when people are juggling these kinds of PR concerns, they are worried everyone’s going to think they’re out of business. In 2017, an employee of a winery in Napa, which I won’t name, was just screaming at me over the phone: “You can’t print this, that, and anything.” It’s hard. I don’t have training in this, so if anyone has tips for me, email me.

Z: I don’t think necessarily in the wine industry you think you’re going to have to do grief counseling for people, but maybe it’s part of the job these days. Let’s talk a little bit more broadly. This year in California, and maybe particularly in Napa and Sonoma, one of the big conversations attached to these fires beyond the immediate damage that a fire can cause — namely, destroying stuff — is smoke taint. Why don’t you just share with me what you’ve heard from wineries about what they think about this vintage, and how they’re dealing with potential smoke taint. What is the state of that in Northern California right now?

E: So the smoke taint conversation for 2020 begins in August, when we had this series of lightning ignited fires throughout California. It was astounding. We had thousands of lightning strikes all at once, and that’s not typical for our area or our climate. That’s when we saw these enormous complex fires breaking out all at once in really disparate parts of California. And, of course, it was bound to contain many wine regions. There was an enormous fire around the Santa Cruz mountains, which is an important wine growing region, and an enormous fire in eastern Napa, and an enormous fire around Healdsburg, Dry Creek Valley, Russian River Valley, there were fires in Mendocino County. Just take your pick, it was everywhere. The fact that those fires were so widespread and not contained to just one little area, and then coupled with the fact that this was August, this is early in the season for grapes, most of our big fires in wine country in the last few years have come much later in the season. People were estimating in Napa and Sonoma counties that when the fires hit in 2017, 90 to 95 percent of the grapes had been picked, so smoke at that point isn’t a major industry-wide region-wide concern. This year it’s a completely different thing before we even get to the Glass Fire. The end of August, this was already going to be a game changing thing because it was potentially affecting wine grapes in Monterey in the Santa Lucia Highlands, as well as up in Mendocino, and almost nothing had been picked yet. The result of that was that almost no one could get their test results for smoke taint in a useful timeframe. The lab that basically does all the testing here was showing over a month at a certain point — and we won’t even get into the fact that those tests may be unreliable on their own because there’s so little information about smoke taint available. It’s a whole other conversation for another time. People were sending their samples to Australia and Canada and just trying to get a sense of what was happening. For a lot of people, it already wasn’t looking good, even before the Glass Fire hit. A number of winemakers had shared with me that they were planning to make no wine or almost no wine, or in some cases, no red wine in 2020. The number of people who are sharing that sort of information has only increased in the last two weeks. I think the idiom to use would be that it was the nail in the coffin. Philippe Melka, the winemaker who consults for a lot of wineries in Napa and Sonoma, told Bloomberg that he thinks 80 percent of Napa Cabernet won’t be made this year. I spoke with another industry source this morning, because I’m writing about this, who thinks that’s high. But it’s way too soon to know for now. These decisions are still being made in real time. And in addition, there’s going to be a lot of grapes that get picked that then the decision is going to get made later on about whether to ultimately sell it as wine under its original purpose. If we want to come up with a percentage, we’re not going to be able to do that right now. It’s going to be a little ways down the road. But the impact is significant, I think that’s clear. It’s scary. I mean, there’s a lot we could say about it. It’s okay. Coming off of a couple of really ample vintages, a lot of wineries probably have more wine from 2018 and 2019 than would be typical. And they’re going to hope to weather it through. We have this whole oversupply grape situation and it actually may help balance out the overall. But it’s sad. And a lot of these small growers are in a really tough position, especially if they don’t have crop insurance. A lot of small wineries are in a tough position. They’re just not going to have any wine to sell this year. And it really varies region by region, grape vineyard by grape vineyard. I don’t mean to say if you see a bottle of 2020 wine on the shelf in a couple of years, you should assume it’s a problem, but I think we’re seeing a big loss.

Z: I don’t want to get too deep into this smoke taint conversation but for listeners who might not be as familiar, one of the big problems in assessing the risk of smoke taint is it’s not really apparent in the wine until well after fermentation. You can test for it, as Esther mentioned, the tests are kind of a questionable utility, but the big problem is it’s not like you can crush the grape and know this is smoke tainted. So I think a lot of wineries are faced with this challenge of “Do we start making the wine and then end up with a product that is unsellable and have put all the time and capital into getting it to that point, or do we just cut our losses now?” That’s my sense, is that what you get, too?

E: Yeah. I mean, there’s definitely some cases where you can perceive the smoke in the grapes, themselves. Many of the compounds get volatilized during fermentation, that’s why fermentation is important. Some of them then absolutely reveal themselves much later on down the road. People think enzymes in your mouth free up some of these bound compounds but part of the issue, we won’t get too far into this, we probably don’t know all of the compounds that are contributing to this. While the labs can test for a handful of them, about eight of them, there are probably others that exist that we don’t even know to test for. A lot of these compounds, especially the two main ones, glycol and formetha glycol, occur naturally in wine grapes, so when you get a number back you’re like, “Well, what does that number mean?” Because there was some number that existed in the grapes’ ideal state. And, for instance, the ETS recommends that people don’t even bother submitting Syrah grapes or wine for smoke taint samples, because Syrah naturally has relatively high levels of glycol and if you get a test back you’re not going to know if it’s just Syrah, or if it’s smoky Syrah. What needs to happen is we need to establish a database of baselines. We need to know what is a normal level of these compounds in Sonoma County, or even just the North Coast, and then you can compare test results against that. Australia has a similar type of database, but we just need to start doing that. It takes time, years really, to get something good, but people just don’t have those baselines right now.

Z: These fires have been hugely damaging. And, of course, they’re coming on top of a pandemic which has not done favors to parts of the California wine industry that are, to some extent, tourism-dependent, but places like Napa and Sonoma are more famously tourism-dependent than certain other parts of the state. Setting aside the general pandemic for the time being, I know there was concern in 2017 that people would not come visit because they were afraid of the fires, even long after they had been extinguished. What is there, whether it’s from wineries or from the hospitality industry, that exists to support and capture some of that tourism and some of the damage that was done to those kinds of establishments as well? How are people looking at moving forward with this sort of tourism industry that’s attached to these wine regions?

E: For a story I was working on, I happened to talk earlier this week to Lindsey Gallagher, the president of Visit Napa Valley, the tourism board there, and I was asking about 2017. It sounds like in 2017, they recovered pretty quickly from the 2017 fires — tourism wise. She said that by December of 2017, three months after the fires, hotel occupancy was up 7 percent over the previous year’s same period. I think some people have a kind of short memory for these things. There have been people in Napa Valley at tasting rooms this whole time. I think if you had planned a trip, you don’t just stay in your hotel room once you’re there, people are going out and about, people have been out and about in the smoky air. Lindsay also mentioned that Covid in the early months of the shutdown was a huge blow for tourism, which is the second largest industry in Napa after wine. But their hotel occupancy right now is around 50 percent. That’s not great for them, but that’s not 0 percent. There’s a lot at stake here. If a place like Napa or Sonoma were, over time, to become less of an attractive tourist destination, that would be a huge shift to these economies, to the jobs there, to the kind of way these places feel. Right now at the Chronicle, we’re running a lot of stories along the lines of: “Is everyone leaving California? Have people just had enough?” And a couple of my colleagues wrote a great article this week about residents of Santa Rosa, which is the biggest city in Sonoma County. They’ve just been here hammered by fire for the last few years. It’s awful. I can imagine homeowners are not going to deal with this anymore. We’re definitely seeing some form of that just from residents, but tourism is a big part of who these regions are and how people earn their money.

Z: And then to come back to the wineries, specifically, for a minute here: You don’t have to give specifics unless you care to, but do most of these wineries have some form of insurance? Is rebuilding going to be an option or are they screwed, for lack of a lack of a better word?

E: The wineries that have been burned or damaged in Napa, if we look at where they are, these are high end neighborhoods in Napa. These are wealthy areas, for the most part. Land costs a lot. These are wineries producing relatively expensive wine. That’s not to say everyone’s a billionaire who owns these wineries. But there’s a lot of multigenerational, longtime family-owned properties that have been affected by this. And I think things are tough for them. The insurance question is interesting. I don’t really know the full answer to it. One vendor on Spring Mountain whose brand is pretty new, she’s just about to release her first vintage this year. She’s only had it for a few years. She said that fire insurance quoted her $120,000 a year as her premium, for fire insurance. So that’s something that a lot of folks just couldn’t deal with. And this is for a winery rebuilding their building due to fire. The question of crop insurance is a whole other thing. The purpose we’re considering here is for grape growers whose fruit is unable to be sold to wineries due to smoke taint reasons. I had some interesting conversations about that today. I’m also writing about that, but rates of having crop insurance, I’ve been told by industry experts, are relatively low. The federal government does subsidize it to some degree. It’s part of the farm bill. And I think, gosh, if the last few years haven’t been a wake up call, I think it’s going to become much more important. And, in fact, a lot of wineries may start requiring growers whose fruit they buy to have crop insurance, because it’s not good for the wineries either. If these growers are thrown into total fines, essential catastrophe, the wineries may be on the hook for things. It’s a complicated issue. There may be federal money coming, there’s disaster relief aid that has come for people who have been put in a precarious position due to wildfire. Congressman Mike Thompson’s office told me he’s working on that. We’ll see what happens. But how do you fix this problem? It’s a combination of wildfire being a natural part of our environment, and of manmade climate change. We know those two things. We know that somehow, the way we’ve settled these areas, wild land, urban interface, whatever you want to call it, has created new problems. But also there are problems that are much deeper. I don’t even want to go any further, because I’m certainly not the ultimate expert, but this is a moment for the wine industry and a moment for the whole West Coast to re-examine how we live in the places we live. What we can do to prevent these catastrophic losses. And the wine industry can’t prevent wildfire, but there have to be ways we come up with mitigating the huge consequences of it for people.

Z: Esther, thank you so much for your time, I really appreciate it. For those of you who aren’t already following her on Twitter, she’s an incredible resource, not just for crises like fires but just general thoughts on wine. And, you can certainly read her at the San Francisco Chronicle. You can subscribe to her newsletter. What is it, Esther?

E: Drinking with Esther, and you can find it at SFchronicle.com/newsletters. It’s totally free.

Z: Yes, that’s a great read. And, again, thank you so much. I really appreciate it. And, like I said, you and I will talk about California wine in a much more positive, uplifting fashion one of these days. I promise.

E: Well, I hope so. There’s a lot of good things going on here, too. And thanks so much for having me on, Zach. I always enjoy it.

Thanks so much for listening to the VinePair Podcast. If you enjoy listening to us every week, please leave us a review or rating on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, or wherever it is that you get your podcasts. It really helps everyone else discover the show. Now, for the credits. VinePair is produced and hosted by Zach Geballe, Erica Duecy and me: Adam Teeter. Our engineer is Nick Patri and Keith Beavers. I’d also like to give a special shout out to my VinePair co-founder Josh Malin and the rest of the VinePair team for their support. Thanks so much for listening and we’ll see you again right here next week.

Ed. note: This episode has been edited for length and clarity.

The article Esther Mobley on California’s Devastating Fire Season appeared first on VinePair.

source https://vinepair.com/articles/san-francisco-chronicle-esther-mobley/

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Esther Mobley on Californias Devastating Fire Season

Airing between regular episodes of the VinePair Podcast, “Next Round” explores the ideas and innovations that are helping drinks businesses adapt in a time of unprecedented change. As the coronavirus crisis continues and new challenges arise, VP Pro is in your corner, supporting the drinks community for all the rounds to come. If you have a story or perspective to share, email us at podcast@vinepair.com.

In this Next Round, VinePair Podcast host Zach Geballe and San Francisco Chronicle wine critic Esther Mobley discuss the devastating wildfires in Napa and Sonoma Counties. The Glass Fire has been burning since September 27th, and during the time of recording on October 8, the fire was at about 66 percent containment.

As a reporter in the Bay Area, Mobley works to provide information regarding damages to the wine industry — as well as dispelling as much misinformation as possible. As a member of the press, she has been able to experience firsthand the destruction and devastation caused by the fires since they began almost two weeks ago. The fire, as of this point, has scorched over 67,000 acres and destroyed more than 1,500 buildings throughout Napa and Sonoma County.

As the coronavirus pandemic continues, the fires have caused further damage to the already affected tourism industry. Moving forward, wineries and vineyards may face further disadvantages as they evaluate the impact of the fires on their crops, as potential smoke taint may limit the number of vintages produced this year.

For more information regarding Mobley’s coverage and updates on the current state of fires in the area, check out Mobley’s weekly newsletter, Drinking with Esther, that can be found at SFchronicle.com/newsletters.

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Or check out the conversation here

Zach: From Seattle Washington, I’m Zach Geballe. And this is Next Round, a VinePair Podcast conversation. We’re bringing you these conversations between our regular podcast episodes in order to examine how we move forward as a drinks business throughout the Covid-19 crisis. Today, I’m talking with Esther Mobley once again. She’s the wine critic at the San Francisco Chronicle. Esther, I think you’re our most frequent guests now on the podcast. Congratulations.

Esther: What an honor! Wow.

Z: Unfortunately, as we were discussing a moment ago, we mostly have you on when things are going badly in California wine country. Maybe one of these days we’ll have you on for a purely celebratory conversation, but for now, let’s start with the basics. We’re recording this on Thursday, October 8th in the afternoon. What’s the current state of fires in the Napa and Sonoma area?

E: The only fire right now in the Napa and Sonoma area is the Glass Fire. It started on September 27th, and it’s still active. It’s still very much a threat to people and buildings, but it’s at 66 percent containment. It has burned, so far, over 67,000 acres. It’s destroyed over 1,500 buildings. It’s really wreaked havoc. The thing everyone in the Bay Area right now is praying for is rain, and earlier in the week, it looked like we were going to get a lot of rain that was going to really help the firefighting efforts. Now, it looks like we’re going to get a little, but not as much as we’d hoped. And next week it’s going to be hotter, it looks like. Everyone’s just kind of watching the weather conditions because the fire still could go in a number of different directions from where it is now.

Z: For those of us who were not in and around the Bay Area wine country in Northern California, all we kind of had to go on was scattered social media accounts — yours, and others, about what was going on. Obviously, the fire is not extinguished and there’s still danger but now that things are maybe a little bit more calm. Can you mention some numbers? Can we talk a little bit more about specifics? What did we lose? What is it like from the wine industry perspective? Obviously, many people who are connected to the industry, or who live in that area, lost homes, lost lives, unfortunately. But from the perspective of the wine industry, what was the damage?

E: The Glass Fire is undoubtedly the most destructive fire Napa Valley’s ever seen, in general, but also for the wine industry, we’ve confirmed 26 winery or vineyard properties that have had damaged or destroyed structures. So not all of those are completely gone. In some cases those are an owner’s home, but pretty striking numbers. In all the fires in 2017 that hit Napa County and Sonoma County, there were several all at once in Napa County, we only knew of six wineries that had been damaged. So this is really a striking figure. I don’t know if folks remember in 2017, on the first night of the Atlas Fire, Signorello Estate, which is in Napa on the Silverado Trail, was really the first iconic image to be seen with this grand winery on the most storied avenue in Napa, totally engulfed in flames. And this year, it was eerie. The first night of the fire, a Sunday night, Château Boswell, just a few miles up the Silverado Trail, was seen in flames too — a stone building, which you don’t think will burn — and it really went from there. A number of wineries clustered around there in Calistoga on the Silverado trail saw damage. Howell mountain, Burgess Cellars, one that just a few weeks earlier had been purchased in this really high profile deal from the Burgess family by Galen Lawrence, Jr., the Arkansas billionaire who’s buying up Napa properties like Heights. And then it jumped over the Valley from the East side to the West side, it landed at Sterling Vineyards, one of Napa’s most famous estates. It didn’t really do huge destruction there but there was some damage. It hopped over to Highway 29. It decimated this farmhouse, doesn’t really look like a farmhouse, it’s a big stone building at Castello di Amorosa. And then really the most destructive period of the fire was when it started creeping up Spring Mountain — a really beautiful wine growing district in the western hills of Napa, the Mayacamas Range. It seems like Spring Mountain hasn’t seen wildfires since the 1870s. Given what we’re learning about wildfire, it probably had really a lot of flammable material that was going to be pretty vulnerable and a number of estates along Spring Mountain, Barons, Sherwin, Cain, lost most or all of their winery, in some cases, entire vintages worth. But I think it’s important to note 26 is a high number of wineries or vineyard properties to have been damaged, but it’s really a small fraction of what the wine industry is there. There’s over 500 wineries in Napa County. We’re fine. You would see wineries right next to ones that had burned that were totally unscathed. These wildfires can move in a kind of illogical path, so it’s definitely important to note that just because a winery in one area burned, doesn’t mean that all the wineries in that area burned.

Z: I have a question that’s specifically about your job, because unfortunately, you are getting to be experienced at tracking these fires. What is that period like for you? What are you doing when these wildfires are burning? Do you drive up to Napa? Do you try and get as close as you can? How do you cover these?

E: That’s a great question. Thanks for asking. Yes, it’s a mix of reporting from my computer in San Francisco, over the phone, and going and driving around myself. Press can get beyond evacuation points. Most of the time, the police will waive us through the police barricades. They won’t do that when it’s really dangerous. In fact, last week, at one point I was trying to get up Spring Mountain Road to inspect some wineries up there, and it’s one thing when you’re on Highway 29 or the Silverado Trail where they’re pretty open, you’re not up a little winding mountain road, but sometimes, you’re driving up these roads and you’re like, “Well, if a tree fell, if an electrical line fell, I might not have another way out.” So anyway, I was denied access to Spring Mountain Road because the police officer said trees were still falling. And I said, “That’s just fine. I’m going to turn my car around.” But it’s a mix. I don’t cover these wildfires alone. There’s a newsroom of 200 journalists. In a crisis like this, we have dozens of reporters and photographers on the scene. For instance, the Glass Fire broke out early on a Sunday, but it didn’t really start wreaking havoc on wineries until that night, which is when Château Boswell went up in flames. Monday morning, I was paired up with a colleague of mine, Chase, who drove up there, and I was on my computer, texting people wildly, looking at maps, trying to understand where the fire was, and with Chase and a photographer, I was kind of directing them. “Oh, can you go here? Can you see what happened there?” Connecting them with winery owners. And what’s crucial at this point, is most of the winery owners aren’t there, they had to evacuate. They don’t know what happened. Some people stay behind and defy evacuation orders — our fire agency does not condone that — and they can’t get past the police barricades, so we’re often in the position of telling them what happened to their property, especially in these early couple of days when few people have been back there and they’re relying on our word and our photos to learn what happened. It’s a bit of a messy process initially, you’re calling the winery to be like, “How’s your winery?” They’re like, “I don’t know.” Then I’m calling my colleague and I’m like, “Okay, go check out our Hourglass, see what happened there. We think we know the fire went through there, did it, did it destroy any buildings?” And then he goes and sees it and sees the building’s gone. But I don’t know what building that was. Was that the winery, was that the tasting room, was that someone’s home? So then we’re calling the owner of Hourglass, Jeff Smith, and being like, “Okay, here’s what we’re seeing. What is this?” Because this is what happens in these events: There’s so much misinformation, and people will say a winery burned, but it wasn’t the winery, it was some other building. There was really egregious misreporting by some other outlets. Everyone was saying that Failla had burned. Everyone was saying that Rombauer had burned. Both were fine. The fires came to both of those properties, right by Château Boswell, but didn’t burn any structures. Then, on Tuesday morning— this just shows you how popular and beloved Rombauer Chardonnays are — because I’m driving up and I get a call from my editor saying, “One of the most searched Google terms in California right now is Rombauer burning.” And I was like, “We think it didn’t burn. That’s what we learned yesterday.” And she was like, “Can you just go check? Can you guys see?” So I drive up to Rombauer and sure enough, the winemaker Richie Allen is on the crush pad doing some pumps, and he’s fine. We actually decided to run a whole separate story saying Rombauer is fine just because there was such a demand for that piece of information, and also to dispel other rumors. We have to be really careful about this stuff. We’re now at the point where pretty much everyone has gone back, even if they did evacuate. And I haven’t gone up this week at all, I’ve just been reporting from San Francisco, where I can get a lot more writing easily done than when I’m in my car typing and filing a story by texting it to my editor.

Z: It doesn’t sound like a lot of fun. I have one more question on this, and then maybe we can talk a little about some of the other things that are going on. I think of this sometimes as you’re almost breaking the news to someone that a family member has died, if there’s been real damage. How do you do that gently? Do you feel like it’s your obligation to communicate, if you can, with the winery owner before it’s on the Chronicle’s website or on Twitter or whatever? How do you balance that?

E: I don’t know. I’m not sure how to do it the right way. It’s so hard. And to be honest, it’s really an emotional exhaustion that I feel while covering this stuff. And it hurts to experience it, to think about it. I cry a lot, especially when it’s a place that I have a connection to and have spent time at before and know the people. I don’t know. I’m sure that in every case it’s a little bit different how we approach it. But in cases where we haven’t talked to someone from the winery at least to verify what it was that burned, a lot of times we want to know if your wine is there. Is your wine gone? What does that mean? We kind of have to talk to them just for our own fact-checking purposes, and it’s tough. People have different reactions. I have to say everyone has been really kind. Sometimes when people are juggling these kinds of PR concerns, they are worried everyone’s going to think they’re out of business. In 2017, an employee of a winery in Napa, which I won’t name, was just screaming at me over the phone: “You can’t print this, that, and anything.” It’s hard. I don’t have training in this, so if anyone has tips for me, email me.

Z: I don’t think necessarily in the wine industry you think you’re going to have to do grief counseling for people, but maybe it’s part of the job these days. Let’s talk a little bit more broadly. This year in California, and maybe particularly in Napa and Sonoma, one of the big conversations attached to these fires beyond the immediate damage that a fire can cause — namely, destroying stuff — is smoke taint. Why don’t you just share with me what you’ve heard from wineries about what they think about this vintage, and how they’re dealing with potential smoke taint. What is the state of that in Northern California right now?

E: So the smoke taint conversation for 2020 begins in August, when we had this series of lightning ignited fires throughout California. It was astounding. We had thousands of lightning strikes all at once, and that’s not typical for our area or our climate. That’s when we saw these enormous complex fires breaking out all at once in really disparate parts of California. And, of course, it was bound to contain many wine regions. There was an enormous fire around the Santa Cruz mountains, which is an important wine growing region, and an enormous fire in eastern Napa, and an enormous fire around Healdsburg, Dry Creek Valley, Russian River Valley, there were fires in Mendocino County. Just take your pick, it was everywhere. The fact that those fires were so widespread and not contained to just one little area, and then coupled with the fact that this was August, this is early in the season for grapes, most of our big fires in wine country in the last few years have come much later in the season. People were estimating in Napa and Sonoma counties that when the fires hit in 2017, 90 to 95 percent of the grapes had been picked, so smoke at that point isn’t a major industry-wide region-wide concern. This year it’s a completely different thing before we even get to the Glass Fire. The end of August, this was already going to be a game changing thing because it was potentially affecting wine grapes in Monterey in the Santa Lucia Highlands, as well as up in Mendocino, and almost nothing had been picked yet. The result of that was that almost no one could get their test results for smoke taint in a useful timeframe. The lab that basically does all the testing here was showing over a month at a certain point — and we won’t even get into the fact that those tests may be unreliable on their own because there’s so little information about smoke taint available. It’s a whole other conversation for another time. People were sending their samples to Australia and Canada and just trying to get a sense of what was happening. For a lot of people, it already wasn’t looking good, even before the Glass Fire hit. A number of winemakers had shared with me that they were planning to make no wine or almost no wine, or in some cases, no red wine in 2020. The number of people who are sharing that sort of information has only increased in the last two weeks. I think the idiom to use would be that it was the nail in the coffin. Philippe Melka, the winemaker who consults for a lot of wineries in Napa and Sonoma, told Bloomberg that he thinks 80 percent of Napa Cabernet won’t be made this year. I spoke with another industry source this morning, because I’m writing about this, who thinks that’s high. But it’s way too soon to know for now. These decisions are still being made in real time. And in addition, there’s going to be a lot of grapes that get picked that then the decision is going to get made later on about whether to ultimately sell it as wine under its original purpose. If we want to come up with a percentage, we’re not going to be able to do that right now. It’s going to be a little ways down the road. But the impact is significant, I think that’s clear. It’s scary. I mean, there’s a lot we could say about it. It’s okay. Coming off of a couple of really ample vintages, a lot of wineries probably have more wine from 2018 and 2019 than would be typical. And they’re going to hope to weather it through. We have this whole oversupply grape situation and it actually may help balance out the overall. But it’s sad. And a lot of these small growers are in a really tough position, especially if they don’t have crop insurance. A lot of small wineries are in a tough position. They’re just not going to have any wine to sell this year. And it really varies region by region, grape vineyard by grape vineyard. I don’t mean to say if you see a bottle of 2020 wine on the shelf in a couple of years, you should assume it’s a problem, but I think we’re seeing a big loss.

Z: I don’t want to get too deep into this smoke taint conversation but for listeners who might not be as familiar, one of the big problems in assessing the risk of smoke taint is it’s not really apparent in the wine until well after fermentation. You can test for it, as Esther mentioned, the tests are kind of a questionable utility, but the big problem is it’s not like you can crush the grape and know this is smoke tainted. So I think a lot of wineries are faced with this challenge of “Do we start making the wine and then end up with a product that is unsellable and have put all the time and capital into getting it to that point, or do we just cut our losses now?” That’s my sense, is that what you get, too?

E: Yeah. I mean, there’s definitely some cases where you can perceive the smoke in the grapes, themselves. Many of the compounds get volatilized during fermentation, that’s why fermentation is important. Some of them then absolutely reveal themselves much later on down the road. People think enzymes in your mouth free up some of these bound compounds but part of the issue, we won’t get too far into this, we probably don’t know all of the compounds that are contributing to this. While the labs can test for a handful of them, about eight of them, there are probably others that exist that we don’t even know to test for. A lot of these compounds, especially the two main ones, glycol and formetha glycol, occur naturally in wine grapes, so when you get a number back you’re like, “Well, what does that number mean?” Because there was some number that existed in the grapes’ ideal state. And, for instance, the ETS recommends that people don’t even bother submitting Syrah grapes or wine for smoke taint samples, because Syrah naturally has relatively high levels of glycol and if you get a test back you’re not going to know if it’s just Syrah, or if it’s smoky Syrah. What needs to happen is we need to establish a database of baselines. We need to know what is a normal level of these compounds in Sonoma County, or even just the North Coast, and then you can compare test results against that. Australia has a similar type of database, but we just need to start doing that. It takes time, years really, to get something good, but people just don’t have those baselines right now.

Z: These fires have been hugely damaging. And, of course, they’re coming on top of a pandemic which has not done favors to parts of the California wine industry that are, to some extent, tourism-dependent, but places like Napa and Sonoma are more famously tourism-dependent than certain other parts of the state. Setting aside the general pandemic for the time being, I know there was concern in 2017 that people would not come visit because they were afraid of the fires, even long after they had been extinguished. What is there, whether it’s from wineries or from the hospitality industry, that exists to support and capture some of that tourism and some of the damage that was done to those kinds of establishments as well? How are people looking at moving forward with this sort of tourism industry that’s attached to these wine regions?

E: For a story I was working on, I happened to talk earlier this week to Lindsey Gallagher, the president of Visit Napa Valley, the tourism board there, and I was asking about 2017. It sounds like in 2017, they recovered pretty quickly from the 2017 fires — tourism wise. She said that by December of 2017, three months after the fires, hotel occupancy was up 7 percent over the previous year’s same period. I think some people have a kind of short memory for these things. There have been people in Napa Valley at tasting rooms this whole time. I think if you had planned a trip, you don’t just stay in your hotel room once you’re there, people are going out and about, people have been out and about in the smoky air. Lindsay also mentioned that Covid in the early months of the shutdown was a huge blow for tourism, which is the second largest industry in Napa after wine. But their hotel occupancy right now is around 50 percent. That’s not great for them, but that’s not 0 percent. There’s a lot at stake here. If a place like Napa or Sonoma were, over time, to become less of an attractive tourist destination, that would be a huge shift to these economies, to the jobs there, to the kind of way these places feel. Right now at the Chronicle, we’re running a lot of stories along the lines of: “Is everyone leaving California? Have people just had enough?” And a couple of my colleagues wrote a great article this week about residents of Santa Rosa, which is the biggest city in Sonoma County. They’ve just been here hammered by fire for the last few years. It’s awful. I can imagine homeowners are not going to deal with this anymore. We’re definitely seeing some form of that just from residents, but tourism is a big part of who these regions are and how people earn their money.

Z: And then to come back to the wineries, specifically, for a minute here: You don’t have to give specifics unless you care to, but do most of these wineries have some form of insurance? Is rebuilding going to be an option or are they screwed, for lack of a lack of a better word?

E: The wineries that have been burned or damaged in Napa, if we look at where they are, these are high end neighborhoods in Napa. These are wealthy areas, for the most part. Land costs a lot. These are wineries producing relatively expensive wine. That’s not to say everyone’s a billionaire who owns these wineries. But there’s a lot of multigenerational, longtime family-owned properties that have been affected by this. And I think things are tough for them. The insurance question is interesting. I don’t really know the full answer to it. One vendor on Spring Mountain whose brand is pretty new, she’s just about to release her first vintage this year. She’s only had it for a few years. She said that fire insurance quoted her $120,000 a year as her premium, for fire insurance. So that’s something that a lot of folks just couldn’t deal with. And this is for a winery rebuilding their building due to fire. The question of crop insurance is a whole other thing. The purpose we’re considering here is for grape growers whose fruit is unable to be sold to wineries due to smoke taint reasons. I had some interesting conversations about that today. I’m also writing about that, but rates of having crop insurance, I’ve been told by industry experts, are relatively low. The federal government does subsidize it to some degree. It’s part of the farm bill. And I think, gosh, if the last few years haven’t been a wake up call, I think it’s going to become much more important. And, in fact, a lot of wineries may start requiring growers whose fruit they buy to have crop insurance, because it’s not good for the wineries either. If these growers are thrown into total fines, essential catastrophe, the wineries may be on the hook for things. It’s a complicated issue. There may be federal money coming, there’s disaster relief aid that has come for people who have been put in a precarious position due to wildfire. Congressman Mike Thompson’s office told me he’s working on that. We’ll see what happens. But how do you fix this problem? It’s a combination of wildfire being a natural part of our environment, and of manmade climate change. We know those two things. We know that somehow, the way we’ve settled these areas, wild land, urban interface, whatever you want to call it, has created new problems. But also there are problems that are much deeper. I don’t even want to go any further, because I’m certainly not the ultimate expert, but this is a moment for the wine industry and a moment for the whole West Coast to re-examine how we live in the places we live. What we can do to prevent these catastrophic losses. And the wine industry can’t prevent wildfire, but there have to be ways we come up with mitigating the huge consequences of it for people.

Z: Esther, thank you so much for your time, I really appreciate it. For those of you who aren’t already following her on Twitter, she’s an incredible resource, not just for crises like fires but just general thoughts on wine. And, you can certainly read her at the San Francisco Chronicle. You can subscribe to her newsletter. What is it, Esther?

E: Drinking with Esther, and you can find it at SFchronicle.com/newsletters. It’s totally free.

Z: Yes, that’s a great read. And, again, thank you so much. I really appreciate it. And, like I said, you and I will talk about California wine in a much more positive, uplifting fashion one of these days. I promise.

E: Well, I hope so. There’s a lot of good things going on here, too. And thanks so much for having me on, Zach. I always enjoy it.

Thanks so much for listening to the VinePair Podcast. If you enjoy listening to us every week, please leave us a review or rating on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, or wherever it is that you get your podcasts. It really helps everyone else discover the show. Now, for the credits. VinePair is produced and hosted by Zach Geballe, Erica Duecy and me: Adam Teeter. Our engineer is Nick Patri and Keith Beavers. I’d also like to give a special shout out to my VinePair co-founder Josh Malin and the rest of the VinePair team for their support. Thanks so much for listening and we’ll see you again right here next week.

Ed. note: This episode has been edited for length and clarity.

The article Esther Mobley on California’s Devastating Fire Season appeared first on VinePair.

Via https://vinepair.com/articles/san-francisco-chronicle-esther-mobley/

source https://vinology1.weebly.com/blog/esther-mobley-on-californias-devastating-fire-season

[mydailybullshit]

October 7th 2020

Today was not a productive day. I had a toothache last night and it kept me awake til nearly 5 am I believe. Missed a call from Ricky and a couple of messages from other friends. Woke up around 11 am to check my phone but I just felt so drained that I passed right back out. Woke up again around 1 and just diddle daddle in bed. Finally got up because I was hungry and made myself the rest of the spinach ravioli and a side of kimchi noodles. My family asked what I was cooking because they also wanted lunch but everything I was eating only needed to be heated back up. We discussed maybe making some dishes tomorrow because we have a lot of food that needs to be cooked and since I’ve been gone no one was eating in house. Checked my emails and sorted some stuff out. Finally got the email in regards to Best Buy so left my review there. Just spent the rest of my time on my Surface and listening to music. Finally I didn't want to ruin my streak on Pokemon GO, so I got up, put on some shoes and got out of the house. Walked over to the corner store where the Soga is. Realized my battery was not going to last. Headed back home. Grabbed my portable charger along with my hydro pack. Figured might as well hydrate. Ended up being a good idea because I walked for quite a while. Got a lot of stuff done in Pokemon GO. Took the bike trail to one of the nearby parks but then didn’t spend too much time at that park because they are known for jumping people and boy would I have been a jackpot. Google Buds, almost $300 dollars cash that I forgot I had on me, portable charger and my phone. Dear almighty what was I even thinking walking out with all of that. I only took my wallet so I could have some ID in case I needed it, next time I think I’ll leave it behind. Or I can also go earlier when there are slightly more people around but then that means it would have to be during slightly warmer weather. Spoke with Ricky a bit because he wanted me to join him to Cabo since he and Robin are no longer together. Kind of had a feeling because of Facebook. Anyways that would mean me needing my passport which I don’t have. Need to do it soon because I have a feeling I’ll be going to Mexico soon. I am able to get a passport in an expedited fashion but does look like I would be needing proof of said emergency. Don’t know if I want to get into all that but I’ll hear Ricky out because afterall we are good friends. Hopefully we get some time to hangout soon. Talked to Alex about camping and he needs to run it by his baby mama. Also told Ricardo about it. Hopefully we can do it as a family. Want to get closer with everyone. It’s something I lack on my end. Now here I am back at home. Was feeling hungry again so I heated up my family's lunch and just made some carne asada quesadilla with a side of spaghetti. I feel like that’s all really. I mean I was supposed to help Anthony with his homework today but I just wasn’t feeling productive. Julie did give me some money so I should be more retro-active and help him when I say I will. Something I should have mentioned yesterday but I already posted. Juan kind of brought up more of the issue at hand and I guess he had reached out to Mai Moua about it. She gave him an earful for using the works, nicer in high school, or somewhat along those lines. He meant to use kinder or whatever but nonetheless she ripped him one. He also mentioned that he wouldn’t be able to date anyone really because he needs that connection and now that the girls we went to high school are off limits, he feels as if there will no longer be anybody to date. He also has this idea that him and I can’t be single at the same time for very long, which means either I’m going to start dating someone new, or he will be. I haven’t really been talking to anyone though so beats me. To me I see it as we both are in long term relationships so when I was dating Youa he was with Brenda. Youa broke up with me and he was still with Brenda. I met Karen and Brenda broke up with him. Around the time Karen and I were having troubles, he and Thao began to date. I was single for a bit but we ended up working things out and at that point Juan and I were both dating someone. Karen broke up with me for the last time and he was still with Thao. My buddy Job asked me to marry him for benefits because he is in the military and I told him that I would help him as long as it doesn’t affect me financially. So that’s Juan’s proposal for why he and Thao split up in theory, but as of now we are both single and ready to mingle. Damn Covid cock blocking us. Good night Bullshiteers!

[blondiefrommars-blog]

J

I had never met them, and tonight was the first time I was going to see them in concert in almost 7 years. I had a group of friends I was going with. This was the last group function we were going to do together before I moved to California. I was so excited.

 I had achieved everything I wanted to before making the decision to move. I completed my weight loss journey, I was finally a trim 150 at 5’3”. I completed my college degree in accounting. I was transferring to a store and I had an Airbnb set up and waiting. I was prepared to try and find a different job that used my degree and continue the journey to be an actress. I had the tattoos that reminded me of who I was, and I got my motorcycle endorsement.

 I was on my bike headed to the concert, the others in my group were in the SUV beside me, they were blasting a Mars playlist. I was the daredevil. The roads were still slightly damp from the rain earlier. It was fall in the Pacific Northwest.

 We arrived, I walked over to the SUV, and started taking the motorcycle gear off. I had a black and white Mars crop top on, and skinny jeans. They were men’s, they had actual pockets!! My long blonde hair was in a high ponytail. The only personal items I was going to have on me was my ID, credit/debit cards, and my sound activated mask. I wanted to wear it in hopes of getting Jared’s attention. I wasn’t ashamed to admit that, but all I wanted was a hug. No selfie, just a hug.

 The group I was with consisted of myself, 2 of my best girlfriends, and 2 male friends. Jessica was taller than me, with jet black hair, I had known her since 2007. She was with me when I saw them the 1st time. Liz was the other female, she was also taller than me with brown curly hair that she straightened, we had been friends for around 3 years, even though we went to the same high school we had run in different circles, not to mention I was a year ahead of her. One of the guys, Tim, was her husband, he was coming because she wanted to sit on his shoulders. James was the other male, he was a friend and a previous co-worker of mine. His wife stayed home with their little girl. She had no interest in going.

 We were the 2nd group to get in the door, they hall had us lined up to receive our General Admission bands. This was the point of getting here early. The GA bands were limited, and there really is no other place you wanna be than in the pit when Mars is playing. We were almost 3 hours ahead of the concert. No one really cared, we all started making friends with the people around us. As we got closer to “go” time, people started getting amped up.

 There were a couple guys walking around with cameras taking pictures of people, and filming. Our group was approached for a picture which we were more than happy to participate. After the picture was approved by Jessica, another guy came up and asked if he could interview one of us, quickly before the show. Jessica pushed me forward, “You should interview Emma. She’s the one that’s got the tattoos, and is the real echelon.”

 “Really, would you mind?” the man asked.

 I glared at Jessica, I didn’t really like to talk about myself. And I had a feeling this guy was going to ask a lot of questions. That is usually what happens during an interview. “Sure, I guess.”

 He pulled me out of line and was escorting me to the interview spot, there was a stool for me to sit on. I propped myself up and took a deep breath.

 “Why don’t you start off with why you are a Mars fan? Or Echelon?” he asked.

 “Well, I’m sure you guys have heard this a lot, but they saved my life. About a year ago, I had a failing marriage, my anxiety and depression were starting to rule my life. I found myself sitting in my bathtub one night with my headphones in and a utility blade. I was ready to slit my wrists and end everything. But as I put the blade to my wrist, Alibi came on. I listened, and continued to listen. Mind you I never stopped listening to Mars before that. But, this is going to sound weird, but it felt like they were talking to me. Telling me to wait, just wait, the good stuff is coming. So, I didn’t do it.”

 The guy behind the camera was staring at me, with his jaw on the floor and his eyebrows had joined his hairline. I hadn’t noticed he was joined by a woman, who whispered something in his ear, started walking past me to a door behind me.

 “Okay so what and where are the tattoos?” he said with a cough.

 “Oh these, I showed my wrists, on my right wrist was the triad and on my left forearm was the 4 glyphs and the lyric ‘This is who I really am’. They remind me every day to not give up and keep pushing. Not to mention they cover up my self-harm scars.” I replied, staring at my arms.

 He walked over with the camera, then hesitated and asked, “Do you mind if I film your arms?”

 I shook my head, and said, “Go ahead.”

 The woman reappeared. She moved to be behind the tech guy, who I assumed was seeing what was being filmed. The other guy moved away from me, and asked, “Have you ever met Mars before?”

 “Nope, I don’t think I could handle it.” I replied. I could feel the blush creep up my neck and into my face.

 “What would do if you did meet them?” he asked, he folded his arms.

 I took a breath, and replied, “Honestly? Probably cry and ask for a shit ton of hugs.” I covered my mouth, “Sorry for the language.”

 The woman chuckled, and said, “Oh please, Jared is WAY worse.”

 I smiled.

 At that moment, I saw in peripherals I saw someone stand on my left. I snapped my head to the left and there was Tomo. My jaw dropped. “Are you fucking kidding me!” I half whispered, half said. I didn’t want to draw attention to myself, but Tomo did that all on his own.

 “Hi.” He said, holding his arms out. I shifted on the stool so I was facing him and hugged him.

 “It’s so nice to meet you!” he said hugging me tightly. I could feel my eyes starting to water. He released me as the door to our right opened, and Shannon came out. “Hey there’s Shannon, Shannon I think she needs one of your bear hugs.”

 I was still in shock, but at this point I was crying and my hands were on my face, covering everything. I didn’t like people be able to see me cry. That’s when I felt him, “Hey come here.” He whispered as he pulled me into a hug. I was positioned in between his legs, my knees where at mid-thigh level. I snaked my arms out from in between us and hugged him. Shannon and I both had out faces buried in each other’s necks and his right hand was on the back of my head. The best hug a girl could ask for.

 As he pulled away, she grabbed my arms, and said, “So there is one more person to see you. We were watching the video behind that door.”

 Shannon backed away and two muscular arms came around me from behind. I knew whose arms they belonged to by the tattoos. On the right wrist was the “Thirty” glyph, and the left had ink from ‘A Beautiful Lie’ album.

 He pulled me back slightly, and rested his head on my right shoulder. My arms were trapped, and my hands felt cold, I could tell I was shaking slightly. As he turned his head to look at me, that’s when two tears ran down my right cheek.

 “Oh, hey no crying, unless they are happy tears.” Jared moved around to stand in the spot Shannon had vacated. He took my face in his hands and wiped away the tears. “It’s nice to meet you.” He said only loud enough for him and me to hear. “I saw the filming of your story and we had to meet you. Can I see your tattoos?” He asked.

 I nodded, as I lifted my arms, Shannon and Tomo enclosed around me. “Wow, those are cool. Nice and simple. I dig it.” Tomo said.

 Jared and Shannon each had one of my arms, I was shaking, I knew you couldn’t see most of the scars, but I knew they were there. Jared had my right arm, as he ran his hand down my arm he said, “Hey we have slightly matching tattoos.” He showed me his wrist.

 I sniffled, “I know, this was my first tattoo, I got it on August 22 last year, the day you released Walk on Water. I didn’t actually plan it that way, and I didn’t plan for it to be on the same wrist as you.” I motioned to the arm Shannon was holding, “I got this one on October 17 last year, to make myself not be able to self-harm anymore, as well as remind me to not give up.”

 “Holy shit, that’s the most you have said to any of us!” Jared said smiling.

 Tomo and Shannon laughed. I chuckled.

 Jared turned serious, “So really only want hugs?”

 I nodded, “I just wanted to say thank you. You saved me, I now and going for my dreams, and nothing is going to stop me.”

 He smiled. “Good. Well, you aren’t just getting hugs.” He said as he pulled me into him. “Are you here with a group?” he asked.

 “yeah” I said as I pointed out my friends.

 Jared nodded, and said, “Pull them over here to!”

  Jessica, Liz, Tim, and James joined us, we were brought over to a larger area where I was pushed in between Jared and Shannon, Tomo was on the end hanging onto Jessica and the others. I was literally in a Leto sandwich. Not a bad place to be.

 As the pictures where finished, Jared pulled me aside, took my arms in his hands and looked me dead in the eye, “I need you to promise me something, okay?” I nodded. “No more hurting yourself, okay? Call the suicide line, reach out to your friends, anything. I don’t wanna get news that you are gone. Only if you promise me that will I give you your presents.” He said.

 “I promise. I haven’t done any self-harming for over a year.” I said quietly. Jessica came over to us, “Well hopefully you can maybe keep an eye out for her Jared, since she is moving to L.A. tomorrow.”

 “Wait, you’re moving to L.A.?” He asked. “Why? What is there for you?”

 “My dreams. I have always wanted to be an actress. So, I got an associate’s degree in accounting, so I can have a decent paying job while I pursue that dream.” I replied shyly. I didn’t really like voicing that I wanted to be famous. I felt like it was the fact that Jared was holding me that my self-confidence had abandoned me.

 “Well then, here.” He said as he handed me a black hoodie, it said ‘You Wouldn’t Understand.’ On the front. I picked it up and hugged it. “Really? Thanks!”

 “Alright let’s get you into the hall so we can have fun.” Shannon said.

 Before I was pulled from Jared, he whispered, “Look in the pocket, and at the back.”

 I smiled and nodded.

 Shannon ran over and planted a kiss on my head, and then they were gone.

 Jessica grabbed my arm as I just stood there staring at the door they had disappeared through. A security guard escorted us into the venue and we picked our spot, not 2 seconds later did the flood gates open and people were running towards us at full speed. We were pinned against the safety bar instantly. People took one look at me and started up conversations. I wasn’t listening, I was staring at the sweatshirt I was holding.

 “Emma, come here.” James said as he pulled me closer to the middle of the area our group was occupying.

 “What did he say to you before he left?” Jessica asked.

 I looked at her, and replied, “He said look in the pocket and on the back. Did that whole experience really happen to me? I feel like I’m dreaming.”

 “Here, this will make it real.” Jessica replied. A few seconds later my phone chimed, Jess had sent me a couple pictures. One was Jared and I looking at the camera smiling, the other was us looking at each other, it was the moment he made me promise not to self-harm anymore. I would remember that moment forever.

 I looked at her and smiled, with tears in my eyes. That’s when I reached into the pocket of the jacket, there was a piece of paper. I opened it up, all it said was a number and said, ‘Text Me.’ Whose umber is that? I grabbed my phone, and inputted the number and sent a message of ‘Okay, I’m texting.’

 After, I flipped the sweatshirt over and on the back, it said ‘Leto Crew’

I didn’t understand, I looked at Jessica, she had an eyebrow arched. I shook the jacket out, the tag caught my eye, I shifted the article of clothing in my hands and looked at the tag, in sharpie it had a ‘JL’ on the tag.

 “Oh my god.” I said, I snapped my head up to look at Jessica and Liz, their jaws were on the ground.

 “Holy Cow.” Jessica said

 “Sweet Mother of Mary!” Liz screamed.

 The three of us had come to the same conclusion. Jared Leto had given me his sweatshirt. My grip on it tighten tenfold.

The concert started, and as always it was amazing. The last song was about to start and Jared was pulling people up on stage. He looked directly me, and crouched down, pointed at me and my group, and said to security, “Them.” I was wearing my mask, I was still holding his sweatshirt, if I got to talk to him after the show I was going to have to return it, I couldn’t keep that.

 After Jared felt that there was enough people on stage, he looked at me again and said, “Wait the fuck a minute, Emma, come here, what is that?”

 I stepped forward, and pulled my mask down, and replied, “What?”

 He walked over and motioned to my mask.

 As I started to reply, Jared leaned in closer, “Oh, its sound activated. Either say something or play something, and then watch the mask.”

 Shannon started a kick drum, and the mask lit up. It was a little muddled, because of the screaming crowd but he got the idea.

 “That is fucking cool!” he said motioning towards the crowd as the camera guy got closer to put it up on the big screens.

 I reached behind my head and undid the Velcro, I handed it to Jared. The crowd started chanting, ‘Wear it!’

 I smiled as I held it out to him. He put his hands on his hips, and smiled. He came closer, and took the mask. I fastened it on the back of his neck, and said, “Just a heads up, if you plan on singing with it on, you will want to check to make sure people can hear you.”

 Jared walked up to the camera that was projecting on the big screen and started talking, it was working, but he pulled it down, it was resting on his neck and lighting up anytime there was noise. The last song was amazing, the crowd was on fire.

 “Thank you, thank you, thank you, Seattle! Good Night!” Jared said and briskly walked off stage, with my mask.

 As we were being funneled off stage, I felt someone grab my arm, as I looked for the owner of the arm, I saw it was the gentlemen from before, he smiled, and funneled our group away from the others. As we walked away we were handed laminated lanyards. I grabbed mine and looked at it closer, “Backstage Access: VIP’

 We wound through the halls of the venue, and finally came upon a door that was marked ’30 Seconds to Mars’ the door was open, we entered. Jared, Shannon, and Tomo were all over the place. Jared saw me, smiled, and motioned for me to come closer. As I got to him, I was holding the jacket still, “Jared, um, is this yours?” I asked timidly. I honestly wasn’t sure I wanted to know if it was.

 He smiled and replied, “No, it’s yours.” I glared at him, “You know what I meant.”

 “Okay, okay. Yes, it was mine, it’s yours now. Did you find the paper?” he asked standing and grabbing my arms.

 “I did. But I never got anything back, who the hell did I text Jared?” I asked quietly.

 He said nothing, he pulled his phone out of his pocket and fiddled with it for a moment and then showed me the screen, there was my text message.

 “Are you fucking kidding me?” I said as I closed my eyes and took a shaky breath.

 “What? I want to make it clear that if you need anything, I am here. No hurting yourself, that’s why I’m giving you my jacket, oh hang on,” he took the jacket, walked into the nearby bathroom and then returned, and handed it back, “smell. Now it smells like me, I’m giving you a lifeline, and my number that way if you need anything you can talk to me.”

 I was stunned, “Jared I can’t accept any of this.” I said looking down. “I appreciate the sentiment but you want to give your jacket and your number to a fan, who has a sob story, how many other echelons have a sad story? Are you going to give them the same treatment? You’ll be naked if you aren’t careful.” I was holding the jacket out to him.

 Jared was silent for a moment and then said, “I’m giving you these items because you have inspired me and others around you. You deserved something more than a picture. You overcame some serious shit. Don’t ever let anyone tell you, your story is like other people. As for the other Echelon, they know I love them, some of you deserve reassurance that we are here for all of you.”

 Tears started coming again, he pulled me into a hug. His right arm was wrapped around my waist, and his left hand was cradling my head. The jacket was wedged between us, my jaw was against his left shoulder, and my arms were wrapped around his waist. He was so calming, maybe even a little intimidating. I closed my eyes and took a breath; the smell of the jacket was the same smell coming off Jared. I opened my eyes, took a half step back, and asked, “Is that smell Gucci Guilty?”

 “Hell yeah, I love that stuff.” He said with a smile.

 “Emma, we gotta go.” Liz said quietly.

 “Seriously, I’m here if you need me.” He said.

 I pulled my phone out, and save the number. “What should I name you? I don’t want people to know it’s you. Is that selfish?” I asked.

 “No.” He replied, and took my phone, entered something and handed it back. “There.”

 I looked at the contact name, ‘J’

 I looked up and we smiled at each other.

 “See you later.” Jared said.

   After we left I grabbed my riding gear out of the SUV and started to get dressed. The jacket Jared gave me was already on, and I was putting my riding jacket over it.

 “Where we headed now?” Liz asked.

 “Well, none of us work tomorrow, how about we go to my place and hang out and share all the pictures. Cause Emma I have a bunch you need to see of you and Jared.” Jessica said.

 “OK!” I replied.

 As we went down the road, I was ahead of the SUV, I had Mars playing in my ears, I was beyond happy. Too bad I didn’t see the Ford F150 truck run the red light and T-bone me.

 All I remember is screeching tires, metal tearing, a lot of pain, then nothing.

 When I woke up, I was lying in a bed, it was warm, I was so thirsty. The lights were so bright. Something was in my mouth and I couldn’t move. My eyes didn’t want to open, I wanted to rub my eyes.

 I started to panic, I couldn’t see and I couldn’t move. I could hear beeping. I moved my fingers, I was holding something. I gripped it and there was a clicking noise. Someone came closer, and started talking, “Well hello, can you open your eyes? I started to shake my head, but that hurt like hell. “Okay, it’s okay, Emma don’t move your head. Your hands are restrained. If I let them loose you have to promise to not pull cords out. I’ve already called the Doctor, he is on his way.”

 After my hands were free I rubbed my eyes and finally open them, it was even brighter. I started to feel my face, that’s when I realized that I had a tube down my throat. I wanted it out. Where was my friends, how long had I been here, the last thing I remember was leaving the Mars concert.

 I was handed a white board and a dry erase pen, I started writing my questions.

 ‘What happened?

Where am I?

Where are my friends?

I want to talk to J.’

 I turned the board, the nurse read, and replied, “You were in a pretty nasty accident, you are at the University of WA hospital in Seattle. Your friends went to get food, who is J?”

 I erased the board, ‘Where is my phone?’

 I showed her, “Your friends have it, I’ll go get them once the Dr. Christian is here.”

 At the point, a male voice rang out, “I’m here, go ahead Kelly. Hello, Ms. Emma. How are you feeling?”

 I wrote on the board, ‘Confused, and in pain.’

 “Yes, you are going to have some confusion, and can you tell me what hurts?” he asked.

 ‘My throat, head, neck, back, and legs. I want this tube thing out.’

 “Yes, do you remember much of the accident? Blink once for yes and twice for no.” he said

 I blinked twice.

 “You were T-boned by a drunk driver, almost a week ago. You had a broken leg, a dislocated right shoulder, and a cracked skull, along with some bumps and bruises. It’s a good thing you were wearing as much as you were it saved your life. As for the pain, I’ll have some pain meds coming, and the tube that has to stay in a little longer, we want to make sure that you are under your own control. If you wake up tomorrow on your own then we can remove it. Ah, and here are your friends.”

 Jessica, Liz, Tim, and James all came busting through the door. “I’ll let you all catch up.” The Dr said, then left.

 I looked at my friends, and waved. They all chuckled. I started writing on my board,

‘Where is my bike?

Where is my phone?’

 I turned it to them, they read it. “I have your phone, here.” Liz said, pulling it out of her purse and setting it on the tray in front of me.

 “You bike was totaled Em. We took pictures, but the insurance agencies are going to get you a new one. The guy that hit you is being sued.” James replied.

 I picked up my phone and opened the messages, clicked on ‘J’

 There was a bunch of messages, my brow was knitted. Liz came closer, “oh, he texted you a day after the show. I messaged him back told him what happened, we are supposed to tell him you are awake. Do you want me to message him?”

 I gave the ASL sign for ‘Yes’

   The next day, the tube was still not out. Apparently, my esophagus was damaged and was still healing. I wasn’t allowed to swallow or talk, which meant the tube stayed. I was resting when I heard movement in the room.

 “No, I don’t wanna wake her. You guys go ahead we are just going to have a seat and wait for her to wake up.” A man said.

 I knew that voice, I inhaled, and opened my eyes as I felt a hand brush my face. There he was on my right side, Jared. I smiled. I probably looked awful. I squeezed my eyes together as tears fell. “Shh, you’re okay.” He said. I looked up there was Shannon on my left. I tried to smile. But more tears came. I was fighting the blanket, I was to hug them. But my hands were pinned again. Jared saw me trying to move, that’s when he and Shannon moved the blanket and saw that I was restrained.

 “What the hell?” Jared looked at me. I moved my hand enough to motion at the tube. That’s when my friends returned. Jared looked over at Jessica and asked, “Why the hell is she restrained?”

 “They are afraid that she is going to pull the tube out.” She replied.

 “I’ll be right back.” Jared said. He squeezed my hand and left, Shannon in his wake.

 I motioned to my board, ‘What the hell are they doing here?’

 Liz and Jessica chuckled. “They were worried.” Jessica replied

 ‘I look like hell. I need a shower. I feel gross. Can I get a washcloth or get a bath or something?’

 Jared and Shannon returned, Jessica took the board and whispered, “I’ll ask the nurse okay?”

 “Ask me what?” Kelly reappeared. Jessica showed her the board. “Ah okay, I’ll be right back.”

 When she returned she had a bucket of supplies. Jessica cleared her throat, “Okay everyone let’s leave them to it.”

 Liz stuck her head through the curtain, and asked, “you decent?” I nodded. Everyone re-entered, Jared and Shannon came in last. Jared looked at me, I smiled slightly, and showed him that my wrists were free. He smiled.

 “Feel better?” Shannon asked.

 I blinked once. “That means yes.” Liz said.

 Jessica handed me my board, ‘Anyone know when I can leave?’

 Jared chuckled, and replied, “One step at a time, let’s get the tube out first.”

    The next morning, I awoke to Jared curled up on my bed with his head on my chest. He smelled amazing and he was so warm. Shannon was in the window. I smiled. As soon as I smiled, I knew something was off. My throat was constricting, my body was trying to cough. I started shifting. Jared and Shannon both woke immediately. “What’s wrong Em?” Jared asked. The machines started going off.

 Kelly came in, “It’s okay, your body is telling us it’s ready to have the tube removed. Just hang on okay, Dr. Christian is on his way.” She was holding my left hand, Jared had my right.

 I was scared, and tears were spilling over. The tape that was around my mouth was starting to pull. Dr. Christian started giving orders before he entered the room. “Mr. Leto and Mr. Leto, can you please wait in the hall?”

 My eyes grew wide, I gripped Jared arm tighter, “No, we aren’t leaving her.” Jared said, and Shannon moved closer and place his hand on my shoulder.

 Fine, but this isn’t going to be pretty. Please put these masks on.” Dr. Christian said, handing them the masks.

 The tube was removed, I could taste blood. My throat felt like it was on fire and my voice was hoarse.

 A week later, there was a problem with my release. I had nowhere to go. I was in a wheelchair and Jared, Shannon, and my mom were discussing options.

 “All of her stuff is already in L.A.” my mother said.

 “Then we will take her down there.” Jared said

 “She can’t be left alone, and she doesn’t know anyone down there.” Mom said.

 “She has me and Shannon, and I never said she was going to her apartment.” Jared said, and looked at me.

 He crouched in front of me, “Emma, you are going to come stay with me okay?”

 “ok.” I said quietly. “I just want to get out of here.”

 “I know. We are going to a hotel and tomorrow we are going to get on a private jet and fly to L.A.” Shannon said, as Jared signed my paperwork.

 My mother, come over to me and asked, “Are you sure you are okay with this? I can talk to your father.”

 I smiled weakly, “This isn’t home anymore Mom. I’ll be safe.”

 She kissed, my forehead as Jared came back over, she looked him dead in the face and said, “You better take amazing care of my daughter. You saved her life once, you better do it again.”

 “I promise.” My mother left.

 Jared was crouching again, “Here, it’s cold outside. He was tucking a hoodie in my lap. I looked down and there were the words ‘Leto Crew’

 I looked up, Shannon was now crouching in front of me too.

 Finally, Jared said, “Let’s go home.”