#(i was going to use some for a new ipad but that's just not necessary tbh)

[bloomingbluebell]

hhhhhasdahsdsdhsdha *happy flaps* i may have realized that i've had a repressed special interest for years and now i have planned out a budget for it (it's not cheap at all it is motorcycles) including driving lessons for both bike and car and gear and everything except insurance and gas pretty much and JHSDHSHDSDSHDSHDSHDSH AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

[ms-demeanor]

Hello! First, I wanted to say thank you for your post about updating software and such. I really appreciated your perspective as someone with ADHD. The way you described your experiences with software frustration was IDENTICAL to my experience, so your post made a lot of sense to me.

Second, (and I hope my question isn't bothering you lol) would you mind explaining why it's important to update/adopt the new software? Like, why isn't there an option that doesn't involve constantly adopting new things? I understand why they'd need to fix stuff like functional bugs/make it compatible with new tech, but is it really necessary to change the user side of things as well?

Sorry if those are stupid questions or they're A Lot for a tumblr rando to ask, I'd just really like to understand because I think it would make it easier to get myself to adopt new stuff if I understand why it's necessary, and the other folks I know that know about computers don't really seem to understand the experience.

Thank you so much again for sharing your wisdom!!

A huge part of it is changing technologies and changing norms; I brought up Windows 8 in that other post and Win8 is a *great* example of user experience changing to match hardware, just in a situation that was an enormous mismatch with the market.

Win8's much-beloathed tiles came about because Microsoft seemed to be anticipating a massive pivot to tablet PCs in nearly all applications. The welcome screen was designed to be friendly to people who were using handheld touchscreens who could tap through various options, and it was meant to require more scrolling and less use of a keyboard.

But most people who the operating system went out to *didn't* have touchscreen tablets or laptops, they had a desktop computer with a mouse and a keyboard.

When that was released, it was Microsoft attempting to keep up with (or anticipate) market trends - they wanted something that was like "the iPad for Microsoft" so Windows 8 was meant to go with Microsoft Surface tablets.

We spent the first month of Win8's launch making it look like Windows 7 for our customers.

You can see the same thing with the centered taskbar on Windows 11; that's very clearly supposed to mimic the dock on apple computers (only you can't pin it anywhere but the bottom of the screen, which sucks).

Some of the visual changes are just trends and various companies trying to keep up with one another.

With software like Adobe I think it's probably based on customer data. The tool layout and the menu dropdowns are likely based on what people are actually looking for, and change based on what other tools people are using. That's likely true for most programs you use - the menu bar at the top of the screen in Word is populated with the options that people use the most; if a function you used to click on all the time is now buried, there's a possibility that people use it less these days for any number of reasons. (I'm currently being driven mildly insane by Teams moving the "attach file" button under a "more" menu instead of as an icon next to the "send message" button, and what this tells me is either that more users are putting emojis in their messages than attachments, or microsoft WANTS people to put more emojis than messages in their attachments).

But focusing on the operating system, since that's the big one:

The thing about OSs is that you interact with them so frequently that any little change seems massive and you get REALLY frustrated when you have to deal with that, but version-to-version most OSs don't change all that much visually and they also don't get released all that frequently. I've been working with windows machines for twelve years and in that time the only OSs that Microsoft has released were 8, 10, and 11. That's only about one OS every four years, which just is not that many. There was a big visual change in the interface between 7 and 8 (and 8 and 8.1, which is more of a 'panicked backing away' than a full release), but otherwise, realistically, Windows 11 still looks a lot like XP.

The second one is a screenshot of my actual computer. The only change I've made to the display is to pin the taskbar to the left side instead of keeping it centered and to fuck around a bit with the colors in the display customization. I haven't added any plugins or tools to get it to look different.

This is actually a pretty good demonstration of things changing based on user behavior too - XP didn't come with a search field in the task bar or the start menu, but later versions of Windows OSs did, because users had gotten used to searching things more in their phones and browsers, so then they learned to search things on their computers.

There are definitely nefarious reasons that software manufacturers change their interfaces. Microsoft has included ads in home versions of their OS and pushed searches through the Microsoft store since Windows 10, as one example. That's shitty and I think it's worthwhile to find the time to shut that down (and to kill various assistants and background tools and stop a lot of stuff that runs at startup).

But if you didn't have any changes, you wouldn't have any changes. I think it's handy to have a search field in the taskbar. I find "settings" (which is newer than control panel) easier to navigate than "control panel." Some of the stuff that got added over time is *good* from a user perspective - you can see that there's a little stopwatch pinned at the bottom of my screen; that's a tool I use daily that wasn't included in previous versions of the OS. I'm glad it got added, even if I'm kind of bummed that my Windows OS doesn't come with Spider Solitaire anymore.

One thing that's helpful to think about when considering software is that nobody *wants* to make clunky, unusable software. People want their software to run well, with few problems, and they want users to like it so that they don't call corporate and kick up a fuss.

When you see these kinds of changes to the user experience, it often reflects something that *you* may not want, but that is desirable to a *LOT* of other people. The primary example I can think of here is trackpad scrolling direction; at some point it became common for trackpads to scroll in the opposite direction that they used to; now the default direction is the one that feels wrong to me, because I grew up scrolling with a mouse, not a screen. People who grew up scrolling on a screen seem to feel that the new direction is a lot more intuitive, so it's the default. Thankfully, that's a setting that's easy to change, so it's a change that I make every time I come across it, but the change was made for a sensible reason, even if that reason was opaque to me at the time I stumbled across it and continues to irritate me to this day.

I don't know. I don't want to defend Windows all that much here because I fucking hate Microsoft and definitely prefer using Linux when I'm not at work or using programs that I don't have on Linux. But the thing is that you'll see changes with Linux releases as well.

I wouldn't mind finding a tool that made my desktop look 100% like Windows 95, that would be fun. But we'd probably all be really frustrated if there hadn't been any interface improvements changes since MS-DOS (and people have DEFINITELY been complaining about UX changes at least since then).

Like, I talk about this in terms of backward compatibility sometimes. A lot of people are frustrated that their old computers can't run new software well, and that new computers use so many resources. But the flipside of that is that pretty much nobody wants mobile internet to work the way that it did in 2004 or computers to act the way they did in 1984.

Like. People don't think about it much these days but the "windows" of the Windows Operating system represented a massive change to how people interacted with their computers that plenty of people hated and found unintuitive.

(also take some time to think about the little changes that have happened that you've appreciated or maybe didn't even notice. I used to hate the squiggly line under misspelled words but now I see the utility. Predictive text seems like new technology to me but it's really handy for a lot of people. Right clicking is a UX innovation. Sometimes you have to take the centered task bar in exchange for the built-in timer deck; sometimes you have to lose color-coded files in exchange for a right click.)

[void-chara]

@mcytblrholidayexchange gift for @irrealisms !! you had lots of prompt ideas for writing, but not for art, so i hope you're happy with eclipse federation misery and agony compilation, plus song lyrics

lyric credits: Temporary - Chase Petra / Stranger - The Mechanisms / Easier - The Crane Wives (appears four times) / Two Birds - Regina Spektor / Little Soldiers - The Crane Wives (appears twice) / Heretic Pride - The Mountain Goats

feel free to ask if you want me to adjust some text to make it more readable or something, i think it looks fine but i know different peoples eyes and devices are different, and if i had more time i would definitely have spent more time messing with the colors on everything

speaking. of time. im really sorry i took so long ._. i kind of suck at estimating how long projects will take and how much time i have. thanks for being so patient!!

oh, also, some lyrics and drawings have story reasons for being grouped together, and some went where they looked good. uh. ideally id make sure everything had reason for its location, but this is one area where i did correctly estimate my time, instead of getting stuck in the planning phase.

also in the process of typing all this ive already gone back twice to change stuff in the images and re-add them to the post lol

OH also!! the part where vitalasy jumps off to his death! is as far as i can tell NOT canon accurate!! all the footage shows him jumping off the prison, since thats where he respawns. i didnt think to check this until after id already drawn most of the stuff, and already had the prison drawn, and i didnt want to reorganize the drawing. im telling myself that we only see a few of the later deaths and so theoretically the first one could have been jumping off a grassy ledge somewhere but its still bothering me and i needed to mention it.

anyway yeah really hope you like it i tried some new stuff with this one im not sure how well it turned out and thanks again for being so patient!!

EDITING TO ADD SOME MORE WORDS!!! i love talking about my art! so first, all the text on signs and stuff i did go back and look at videos and vods to make sure was entirely accurate, and i wrote all the words entirely by myself. for the lyrics and other text(death message and DELIVERANCE), i used a text tool first to make sure the words would be neat and where i needed them, and then traced over that on a new layer and deleted the original text layer. my handwritting fucking sucks always no matter what, this was a very necessary step. also! this is officially the first thing i have drawn entirely on my phone, rather than on my ipad like i used to do! also i dont use a stylus of any type i just draw with my finger lol.

[charon-cries]

Hiya! Hope this message finds u well :3 I absolutely love your art; found you from insta! Quick question also; I’m not sure if you’ve answered this before, but which brushes do you use for ur digital art? I love the textures they’re so crunchy (endearing)!! Have a lovely day!! :D

hello!! here's a little brush tour ft. this half rendered martin.

also, a great app for ipad artists who really want to dig into texture is art set 4. i swear by it and i've been using it for about two years. none of my more recent art uses it, but that's just because i'm experimenting with my process rn

so here's a list of my most used brushes lately, and there will be links to all of them at the bottom of this post.

the two labeled "custom pencil" are both my own personal modified pencils (both sourced from the 6b pencil) but the narinder pencil and the vanilla 6b pencil are both very similar to them. i use these two for sketching and flat color specifically, and if you do specifically want these two brushes then i'd be happy to upload them somewhere for you to download, but they're not really necessary for texture

i also use G&B halftone brushes sometimes! but i greatly prefer the RSCO sample pack, and i cannot find the link to the G&B brushes no matter how hard i google, and pretty much any halftone brush set will do the same job

and here's what they look like in practice!

(i like to set these halftones to color burn. color burn is my most used blending mode, even for shading)

and then i hit "copy all," paste, and duplicate it. so you should have two layers of just your entire canvas. then import a paper texture

i'm partial to the set i'll link down below, my favorite is #5. you should absolutely check out the rest of the free texture packs on their website if you're wanting to diversify your texture process btw, all of their stuff is fantastic.

to use that texture, your layers should look like this!

on the layer set to the linear burn, i also like to go into the adjustments menu and bump up the brightness until all of the colors are at similar values to what they were before. and the normal layer on top is just to control the intensity/opacity of the paper texture!

after all of that, sometimes i'll go in with brushes like MM rake follow, or more from COFE's weird pencils, on top of all of those layers for finishing touches.

definitely play around with it, try new free brushes all of the time (i heavily recommended subscribing to Manero. they have a lot of free stuff and it's all fantastic) and see what works for you <3

here are the links to the brushes in this post, as well as some extras! some of them are paid and some of them are completely free. + it wasn't mentioned here, but i use the tatyworks linen fabric brush for blending! for any of the paid brushes, i'll try to link some free alternatives

paid brushes:

alternatives to paid brushes:

free brushes:

extra goodies:

[tearful-bat]

Yandere alphabet w! Cassandra Cain

Yandere!Cassandra Cain x reader

word count: 1.1K

Affection: How do they show their love and affection? How intense would it get?

I feel like Cassandra wouldn’t be pushy with affection she wouldn’t like force you to hug her or anything. I think she’d try to coerce you into giving her affection though by offering to do stuff together

Blood: How messy are they willing to get when it comes to their darling?

Ok even if Cassandra was a yandere I still can’t see her killing someone but she wouldn’t be above beating someone really bad to the point where they’re almost dead

Cruelty: How would they treat their darling once abducted? Would they mock them?

I think she would feel guilty about abducting you but would feel it was necessary to keep you safe from people that would use you against her like her mother or other Gotham villains because of this guilt I don’t think she would be cruel to you or mock you

Darling: Aside from abduction, would they do anything against their darling’s will?

Probably not, again she feels guilty about abducting you so she wouldn’t really force you to do anything you didn’t want

Exposed: How much of their heart do they bare to their darling? How vulnerable are they when it comes to their darling?

If you weren’t fighting against Cassandra and were reciprocating some of her affection I think she would be vulnerable with you

Fight: How would they feel if their darling fought back?

She’d be hurt if you fought back but would understand why you were doing it and would try to not hurt you too much if you were fighting against her

Game: Is this a game to them? How much would they enjoy watching their darling try to escape?

No, she’s very sympathetic towards you and wouldn't she it as a game

Hell: What would be their darling’s worst experience with them?

Probably her abducting you other than that Cassandra won’t push you to do anything and would be really patient with you

Ideals: What kind of future do they have in mind for/with their darling?

I can’t really see Cassandra wanting to have kids probably would just wanna grow old with you would probably marry you if you ended up reciprocating her feelings

Jealousy: Do they get jealous? Do they lash out or find a way to cope?

Yes she gets jealous but she wouldn’t kill or hurt someone close to you unless absolutely necessary she would probably just find ways to get them away from you by making them move out of Gotham or threatening them

Kisses: How do they act around or with their darling?

She’ll try and act sweet towards might even baby you but wouldn’t force you to do anything you didn’t want to.

Love letters: How would they go about courting or approaching their darling?

She’d probably try and win you over by just killing you with kindness or by giving you things like a new iPad or clothes would hope to win you over by getting you to develop Stockholm syndrome and understanding she doesn't want to hurt you just wants to keep you safe

Mask: Are their true colours drastically different from the way they act around everyone else?

She trusts you so she would be more open with you and less closed off than she is around most people.

Naughty: How would they punish their darling?

Would feel incredibly guilty about punishing you but would probably just taking away certain things like watching TV and on more major cases she wound isolate you in your room or something.

Oppression: How many rights would they take away from their darling?

Again she feels guilty about abducting you so she would give you access to anything as long as it wouldn’t be a way for you to escape.

Patience: How patient are they with their darling?

Very patient with you she understands why you’re closed off with her because she took you against your will.

Quit: If their darling dies, leaves, or successfully escapes, would they ever be able to move on?

No she loves you dearly and was even willing to go against her own morals to abduct you in order to keep you safe so if you died she wouldn’t be able to move on.

Regret: Would they ever feel guilty about abducting their darling? Would they ever let their darling go?

She feels really guilty about abducting you, thinks about letting you go but her own obsession and fear of your safety stops her. Perhaps if you were threatening to take your own life or getting really depressed from her abducting you she would let you go.

Stigma: What brought about this side of them (childhood, curiosity, etc)?

Grew up with barley any affection and only has a few people close to her so when you show affection towards her and get close with her she’s paranoid that you’ll be hurt as a result of being associated with her also she craves affection and since your one of the few people that give that to Cassandra that contributes to why she becomes obsessed with you.

Tears: How do they feel about seeing their darling scream, cry, and/or isolate themselves?

She already feels so guilty about abducting and if you continued to do this it would shatter her heart and she might even consider letting you go.

Unique: Would they do anything different from the classic yandere?

Very sympathetic towards you and wouldn’t kill anyone or force you to do anything also very free with what she lets you do and more open to letting you go

Vice: What weakness can their darling exploit in order to escape?

Her guilt and lack of restriction

Wit’s end: Would they ever hurt their darling?

If you tried escaping or fighting against her she might slightly hurt you trying to detain you but she’s a skilled enough that she could probably do that with barely any harm towards you

Xoanon: How much would they revere or worship their darling? To what length would they go to win their darling over?

Thinks your the sweetest person ever and would try hard to win you over and develop Stockholm syndrome but if you repeatedly reject her she’d probably just eventually give up

Yearn: How long do they pine after their darling before they snap?

Not long as soon as you become close she starts to obsess over you and is very scared for your safety so for that reason she abducts you kind of early

Zenith: Would they ever break their darling?

No never and if she somehow did break you she would never forgive herself and would probably just end up letting you go

[dduane]

How do you come up with ideas? Like where do you go for inspiration for things given how annoying writers block can be?

I'd want to separate these out a bit, since they don't seem to me to be the same issue.

First (and simplest): I kinda hate using the term "writers' block", as it tends to mean too many different things to too many people, and it's too easy to be misunderstood. The term gets used for everything from being unable to start writing, to being unable to keep writing, to being unable to finish writing.

When I use it (and of course your mileage may vary), it means "hitting some spot in the writing—usually in the middle, hardly ever in any of the other places—from which you're having trouble moving forward."

After many years' practice, this usually means that I've run into a place in the narrative where the primary character involved in that section has issues going on that haven't been resolved: unanswered questions, uncertainties about what's going to happen next. (And let's be clear, as one writer to another: the uncertainties are yours, not theirs. The character is waiting for you to achieve clarity. You get clear? They get clear.)

When I hit this kind of problem, I set aside time to examine all the main characters' situations and see whether everyone knows where they're headed, or at least what they're headed toward. Normally I find that some one character has questions that haven't been answered, or some necessary conversation (with another character, or fate, or God, or you) that hasn't yet happened. Or hasn't happened to their satisfaction.

I've dealt with this problem in about twenty different ways over four decades, from the cold-blooded-analysis method of taking apart previous chapters or sections of a work, looking at the final end-state chapters or sections, and figuring out what's missing... to the Sherlock-Holmes-in-his-sitting-room method of making your character sit down in the Empty Chair and tell you what their problem is. (Which is also a mode favored by psychiatric professionals the world over, these days. Believe me, I did not give an entire novel that title accidentally.)

So: as far as I can tell, "writer's block" is almost always code for "a missing transaction (or desired transaction) in the narrative that you haven't yet identified and resolved." See above. Or that transaction may be some sort of failed communication between the outer, author-to-real-world world, and the inner, character-in-created-world world. Track it down and resolve it, and everything will be good.

Meanwhile, as for inspiration and finding ideas:

This is... not one of my problems, so I'm probably the wrong person to be asking. ...Going anywhere for inspiration? Why would I do that? It hunts me down in the street. It grabs me from behind when I'm trying to deal with the email. It gets me in a hammerlock when I'm watching somebody else's TV show.

In short: gods help me, I've been a Having An Idea person since before I started to read. I'm the one who, after being read a sleepy-time fairy tale about a prince rescuing a princess, looked at her mom and said, "Why can't it be a prince rescuing a prince?" And you see where that got me: half a million words, and (as we say on AO3) These Two Idiots. (Or: "What if magic came with a user's manual?" ...Oh gods.)

At this end of time, it would be tough for me not to have an idea or three for a novel before I've had my tea.

It goes like this:

(a) Wake up. Reach for iPad.

(b) Read news. Ugh. Naughty, naughty world. (With occasional bright spots.)

(c) ...And then wonder: "How would it be if X [thing that you just read on the news] happened in Y [entirely different universe where conditions (z) pertain]?"

(d) [make up entirely different set of conditions that don't pertain in local or even non-local reality]

...The good thing about this, of course, is that I know that ideas are cheap. Ideas are nothing. They're a dime a dozen. A dime for two or three dozen. In this regard, they observe Sturgeon's Law. (Gods rest his gentle soul.)

And more to the point: ideas are easy. It's execution (especially good, deep-delved, worthwhile execution, over tens or hundreds of thousands of words) that's hard.

Which, ninety-eight times out of a hundred, leads to:

(d) Examine idea, put it in the Scales of How Hot You Are For It, watch how the Scales weigh it and find it wanting: then throw idea out, get the hell up and have some tea.

Or, in those two other cases (twice a year, maybe); when an idea comes along that pulls the Scales down and is heavier than the Feather of Your Current Intent in the other side of the Balance—something that has some weight to it, some bite, one that resists being thrown the hell out:

(d1) Get up, have tea, write a premise filling out the idea to at least a couple of pages' length... and then start working out who the hell to market it to.

...Now this is my personal modus operandi, and I've been enacting it across various media for somewhere between fifty and sixty years and change, and there's no way I'm going to stop now. But I submit to you that it might be possible to train yourself into being this kind of What If? person, by simply spending—oh, a week, even two—asking yourself "What if...?" about everything. Every single thing you see, hear, or come in contact with. Why must this thing/this situation/this world be the way it is? Why can't it be some other way? (And then you start reasoning it out. What other way?...)

Frankly, there's no reason this shouldn't work. In fact, considering the ridiculous malleability of the human mind (and I speak with my psychiatric-nurse hat on, here) it's very likely it would work.

There's only one problem with this concept. I have no idea what to tell you if it works and you then decide you want to turn it off.

Because once you've started training your brain into this mode of questioning everything, looking under all the rocks of so-called Reality for the previously impossible impossibilities... there's no guarantee you'll ever be able to make it stop.

It's heaven for me, no mistake. But for you?

Be careful what you ask for. You might get it.

Anyway: hope this helps! :)

[eclairfromleclerc]

Hello everyone. It’s been a long long time since I posted here but I guess life has caught up. I have been writing this chapter for god knows how long because I just couldn’t bring myself to write certain scenes. I still have so many ideas and directions about where this fic can go but as you understand, I need my time to actually try and write those ideas. I am now giving you the 8th chapter of this story which is a generous 14.6 K words to make up for my long long absence. I really hope there will be people still interested to read this. Always keep in mind that english isn’t my native language so pardon any mistakes or inclarities. I hope you will enjoy this as much as I enjoyed writing it. Wait patiently for the next part. Take Care, xx.

All’s Fair

(Toto Wolff x Reader) Chapter 8

chapter 1 chapter 2 chapter 3 chapter 4 chapter 5 chapter 6 chapter 7

Landing in Jeddah feeling like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders, after closing the deal with the Bahraini investors from your Monday meeting, is the only thing you could have asked for. Nothing has been bothering you for the past few days but the fact that Christian still hasn't said anything about you being late to your meeting, made you feel a little weird. Your little text exchanges with Toto made up for the whole madness.

As soon as your phone connects to the network you see a new notification popping up.

Christian Dad Horner 

No need to come over today, I got everything scheduled for the press, me and Helmut will handle it

Get some rest.

You raise your eyebrow reading , not knowing what your father is up to. Is he drunk? Is he out of his mind? You lock your phone and get off the plane. You check in your hotel, go to your room and settle in. As you take your clothes off your suitcase you find once again Toto’s Mercedes shirt in it and you take it out and put it on a hanger and in your closet. Thursdays are supposed to be a fun day in the paddock because of all the media and generally relaxed vibe that everyone has. The fact that no sessions take place on Thursdays doesn’t mean everyone isn’t working hard but still Christian thought your presence was not necessary, so here you are. Your phone rings with a new notification

Wolff

What’s your schedule for the press today?

You 

Christian told me he and Helmut will handle it, I won’t be joining today

I am just bored, sitting in my hotel room 

You open the camera on the app and snap a picture of your computer on your bed and some snacks nearby and you hit send

Wolff 

So you get to relax.

Enjoy it for all of us who have to work

You 

Will do :)

You spend the rest of your day in your room and meet Max to grab dinner at the hotel restaurant. Much less eventful for a usual race week Thursday. 

The next day you wake up, have breakfast and get ready to leave for the track. You check you have everything you need with you including your iPad and your badge to get in the paddock and you drive the Aston Martin, you lease for the weekend, to the track. You get to the entrance and scan your badge. To your surprise the screen in front of you shows a red cross and a message saying ‘Access Denied’. You try once again but the same message appears. You reach for your phone to call Christian to get you from the entrance. You wait for a couple of seconds before you hear his voice, the noise from the garage familiar to your ears. 

“Hey Dad” 

“Hello” you hear him answering

“It seems like my pass isn’t working, can you please come here and let me through?” you ask

“Oh I am quite busy right now sweetheart.”

“Can you send someone else instead?” 

“Um, I am sorry I have to tell you this but there’s a reason why your pass isn’t working.”

“What ?”

“It is going to remain like this for sometime, before I trust you to come back to the team”

“Did you cancel my pass because of what happened on Monday?”

“You should have been ready for this. I can’t discuss it more right now, we are having a meeting before FP1”

“Can you at least let me know about the meeting?”

“No, you are not in the team currently so, nothing to share. Feel free to fly back to England or Monaco with the next flight you find” Christian tells you and then ends the call. 

Thank god you thought about moving a bit further from the entrance so no one heard your discussion with your father. You feel a rush of anger coming at you but you hold yourself and walk as gracefully as you can back to your car, as people are watching you. You drive off the track and you pull over at the first parking space you see. You sit there in silence, since you were so confused that you didn’t even think to put some of your playlists on, and you try to realize what is happening. You let out a scream and tears roll over your face as you think of your father and all his five year old antics. But then you get the best and the worst idea you could possibly come up with. You drive fast back to your hotel and you run to your suite. You open the closet, grab Toto’s Mercedes shirt, stuff it in your new bag  that you haven’t worn in public, put on some tight black pants, some flat shoes and search furiously for that Mercedes face mask that Toto gave you that day in your travel bag. You get back to your car and drive to the track again, pulling over to wear the shirt and making yourself look like a mercedes employee. You leave the car a bit farther than usual so that fans don’t recognize you coming out of the car with the Mercedes gear. You once again walk to the paddock entrance. Hair tied on a bun, face mask and huge Gucci sunglasses covering your face. You get there not having thought of a way to get in. So you go with your instincts. 

“Hey” you say to the security guard. 

“Hi, how may I help you?” 

“Um, I am a new employee for Mercedes but I can’t seem to find my badge to get in.” you say with the best American accent that you have. Not that it mattered since the guard was Saudi Arabian. “Can you maybe call Mr. Wolff to come here? I’ll explain the situation to him” 

“I’ll reach Mr Lord.” he says

“No, no. You should call Mr.Wolff instead. I am not sure Mr. Lord is aware of my arrival here.”

“I’ll try to call Mr. Wolff then.” 

5 minutes later you see the Austrian walking to the entrance of the paddock and on his way there he waves to people, greets others and takes some photos. 

He goes to the security guard that called him

“What is it?” he asks

“This lady claimed that she’s a new employee for your team but she seems to have lost her badge, she insisted that I should call you instead of Mr. Lord.” 

Toto turns to look at you and you don’t hesitate. If you are going to get in, this is your chance. 

“Hello Mr. Wolff. My name is Mindy Roosevelt, I am here from the American branch of Daimler.” you say-again in your american accent- not being even 1% sure that you are making any sense. “I was sent here to assist you but it has been a really tricky week for me.” you look at Toto and he looks as confused as ever. “I was supposed to be here yesterday but my flight was canceled so I had to travel to Abu Dhabi to catch a connecting flight.” you try to give him hints of who you are, not being sure he understands. “ I had to look for the advisor of Daimler US Anri Hakkassan to give me my badge but then my wallet got stolen at the airport so I was left without a badge and my ID to show you who I am.” you see Toto’s eyes getting wider and wider as he realizes who you are. Your story seemed convincing for the security guard but Toto can’t leave you outside. He takes a deep breath 

“Ah yes miss Roosevelt I was waiting for you all day. Sorry to hear this. Come on.” he says and signals to the guard to let you through. You walk in the paddock and to the Mercedes hospitality, Toto not hesitating for a minute at the thought of you coming from another team. As soon as you both get in you see Bradley drinking coffee in the main lounge area of the motorhome and he greets you.

“I don’t want anyone bothering me for the next half an hour at least” he says to Bradley and he walks to his office as you follow him closely. You close the door behind you and Toto reaches and locks it. You take off your mask trying to apologize for the mess you’ve created. 

“I am so sorry Toto” you say and you hear him laugh 

“What is this?” he asks as he continues laughing

“Are you mad at me?” 

“No, I am just wondering how the hell you got yourself in this situation.”

“Christian blocked my paddock pass”

“He did what?” he asks looking slightly amused 

“This isn’t funny Toto, you know how much I love being in the team”

“That’s why you are hijacking my team?” he asks

“Christian thought that removing me from the team for a couple of races is a good way to punish me for being late at that meeting we had.”

“He did it just because you were 35 minutes late?” 

“You don’t realize Christian has a mind of a five year old when it’s about work right?”

“You said the investors were not mad that you were late, you even managed to charm them into signing a deal.”

“Yeah but Christian was mad, and he says it’s not about the investment, it’s about basic work ethic. Anyways, I can’t buy a paddock pass because I am not the type to sit in the lounge to watch the race. I need to be in the team. Plus I can’t give him the satisfaction of seeing me depressed because I am not at the pitwall or the garage.”

“How stubborn.”

“Yeah I am.”

“That’s very Horner of you.” he tells you and you roll your eyes at his obvious reference to your father’s stubbornness.  

“You are my only chance Toto, the other teams don’t even have a reason to accept me, except from Alpha Tauri, but I can’t go begging Franz about a paddock pass when he is clearly influenced by my dad.”

“Why are we even your only chance, we are your main competitors.” he asks

“I swear to god Toto I will do anything just to be here until Christian decides to drop the farce that he started. I will sign an NDA, I will keep my mouth shut about anything I see, I will delete it from my mind. Just let me be in the garage for the next few races.”

“How many races?” he looks at you

“I don’t know 3 maybe 4?” you tell him barely whispering.

“That’s a lot.” he replies “But for you I’ll try to do my best.” 

You try not to scream as you stand up from your seat, walk to his chair and hug him. You catch him off guard as he widens his eyes but then you feel his tension leaving him. 

“From now on you are Mindy Roosvelt and you came here to assist me as a part of your internship at Daimler US. You studied in New York, and you are American. You don’t know for how many races you’ll be here but it’s not long term.” Toto says taking his teacher look

“Understood.”

“You should never remove your mask in front of others, just tell them that you are at risk or something. Don’t wear high heels. We should do something about your hair so that people won’t realize it’s you and I advise you to wear sunglasses as much as possible, I’ll have Lewis hand me his collection from the Police Collaboration.”

“I’ll buy a wig. Can I have some more shirts and a couple of masks?”

“Is this shirt mine?” he asks and you nod “Looks good on you.” he says

“I’ll use yours then.” you tell him and you see him grinning. 

“I’ll have someone send you a couple of shirts, pants and shoes. I'll request your new paddock pass and I will be printing your NDA.”

“If anything leaks into Red Bull I swear I’ll be the first to go to court even if I am innocent.” you tell him and he laughs “Don’t laugh, I need you to see how serious I am about this. I won’t be saying anything to anyone.”

“I trust you. The NDA part is only about the team having to be legally protected.” 

“Okay” you say 

“Your office must be ready. It’s just the room next door, please lock it when you’re in.” he advises you “And please don’t forget your American accent once you go outside.” 

“I won’t forget. If we happen to see Christian around, just stay calm, I’ll handle it.”

“Okay” he says and you sit in silence for a couple of minutes. 

“I’ll go next door now.” you say and you stand up. “Oh sorry Toto, can I ask you about one last thing?” 

“What is it?” 

“Christian told me that I am free to leave with the next flight so I will be checking out of the hotel and I thought maybe I should be at the Mercedes hotel?” 

“I’ll arrange it. See you later.” he replies as you put on your mask and go to the room next door.  

20 minutes later you hear the door knocking, you stand up and reach for it 

“Who is this?” 

“Miss Roosevelt, I am Mariah. Mr. Wolff gave me something for you.”

You put your mask on and open the door 

“Come on in.” you tell her and she steps into your fake office

“I have this new iPad for you, Toto wanted you to have this. It has all of the passwords you’ll need and direct access to Toto’s schedule so you’ll know where you will be going and what you’ll be doing.” 

“What passwords are there?”

“Company email, team communications and private accounts.” 

“Okay thank you Mariah.”

“If you need anything else please do not hesitate to ask me, have a nice day.” she tells you and she leaves the office as you lock the door and remove your mask

You reach for your phone and text Toto 

You

Didn’t need to have access to all of this

Wolff

You have to If we are planning this lie correctly. 

I also sent you the details on your company email about the hotel room. I arranged it.

You 

Give me a minute I’ll have to get used to all of this.

The iPad is nice, I’ll give it back once I get all the details.

Wolff

Adaptability is key

Keep the iPad I don’t want you walking around the paddock with your old one, it’s practically a part of your looks, everyone will realize it’s you

Wolff

Anyways gotta work, I will be in the garage with Nyck for FP1, you’re welcome to hang by the fantasy island if you ever get the energy. 

For any question just text or call. 

You sit around for a while until your phone rings with a new notification from your calendar for the session starting in 5 minutes and as soon as you get it you stand up and leave for the garage. This time though it feels different. You used to take all your stuff with you in your pit wall seat but now there’s no pitwall seat, you’ll be just standing next to Toto, in the garage. You never got to stay in the garage, Christian always made sure you had a place at the pitwall, the garage was essentially a passage to get from the hospitality to the pitwall. You never spent a whole session in there, but now you will. The difference is the garage is not the one you are used to. It’s the Mercedes one and it’s clean, organized and much more hospitable than the one at Red Bull. At the long entrance of the garage there’s someone looking at you, making sure that you’re one of them. Little does he know, you think. 

“I am looking for Mr. Wolff.” you tell him

“He’s sat at the fantasy island with Nyck. You’ll see them once you get in.”

And you certainly do. The fantasy island splits the garage in two smaller ones for the two drivers of Mercedes, you get next to Toto and you don’t say a word. You look around you trying to take everything in, how the garage looks, how everyone is focused on what they’re doing and Toto next to you trying to manage everything that’s happening. He’s too far in to realize that you’re next to him and he nearly jumps as you touch his arm. 

“Sorry” you say quietly behind your mask. 

“It’s okay, I never realized that you came.”

“Well, I couldn’t turn down the proposal, plus I am supposed to be your assistant so I have to be with you.”

“I am not complaining.” he says and thank god Nyck is too busy chatting with Bradley next to you. Bradley hasn’t asked anything about you, he just keeps looking and staring at you but he’s not saying anything. 

For the next half an hour you see Lewis and George doing their laps, coming and leaving the garage during the session but during all this time you realize that you haven’t looked at the RedBull’s performances. The Mercedes garage felt like home for some reason. You weren’t doing nothing, you were just standing with your headphones on hearing comments about the car that you swear to yourself that you will never reveal to your team. Next to you Toto sits and watches the whole team working like a well oiled machine that he engineered. You are sure that he feels proud of himself, he has that grin on his face that makes you think so. You don’t know him really well but you have learned to pick some of those signs from the times that you’ve seen him around or that you’ve hung out with him. Again all of your thoughts are interrupted by a vibration from your pocket where your phone is. Goddamn it.  Another calendar reminder but this time it is from Toto’s calendar that you’ve managed to sync to your iPhone earlier. 

Meeting: Team Principals, FIA and F1. (1 assistant is allowed to attend) 

You widen your eyes at the notification and you tap Toto’s shoulder who is watching the timings and the data in front of him. He turns to look at you and removes the headphone from your side. You do the same but you realize Nyck is looking at you. 

“Sir, I just got a notification about your meeting with the F1 and FIA execs.” 

“It is half an hour after the session ends right?” 

“Yes but am I required to attend?” you ask

“Miss Roosevelt I believe that you were asked to be here as my assistant so since the meeting allows assistants it is your duty to be there.”

“Okay Mr. Wolff” you say and put your headphones back on to watch the rest of the session. 

“If you feel uncomfortable just excuse yourself and leave.” he turns and tells you and you nod. 

After the session in which your cars -yes, Mercedes cars- finish 1 and 3 you leave the garage and go back to the hospitality while waiting for Toto to finish his press duties.

Wolff 

I am done with my interviews, meet you outside our hospitality in 5?

You

Yes, I will be there. 

You leave and find him at the spot he told you to. You walk side by side to the race control building where the meeting is supposed to take place, him towering over you and you feeling miniscule beside him. When you are just outside Alpha Tauri’s garage you see your dad discussing with Franz and you roll your eyes praying that they will just let you go by. You get temporarily relieved when you are already past them but of course Christian has to talk to you. The man is trouble without trying. You hear him yelling “Hey Toto” from your back and you turn to face him. Toto frowns a bit but his expressions are mostly covered by his sunglasses. 

“Are you heading to the meeting?” Christian asks

“We are, yes.” Toto replies as you keep walking, Christian catching up with you. You take a sharp breath trying to persuade yourself that he won’t understand who you are. You’ve got your face covered after all. 

“I’ll join you.” Christian announces not even asking Toto who is clearly getting angrier. “I don’t believe we’ve met before” he says and turns to you.

You freeze but you regain your strength and reply to him “No, we actually haven't.” 

“I am Christian Horner, team principal of Red Bull Racing.” 

“Mindy Roosevelt, nice to meet you.” you say in your best American accent hoping that you won’t get recognized. 

“And you work for Mercedes I see. Let me guess’ Public Relations?”

“No, I am here to assist Mr. Wolff for a couple of races, it is something like an internship from the American branch of Daimler.” 

“I figured from the accent that you might be American.” Christian replies “Are you planning on staying at Daimler or leaving to get a job at motorsport?” 

“I don’t know yet I’ll see where it gets me.” you answer

“If you plan on staying here please text me your details, I got a very interesting assistant position for you.” 

“You had your daughter as your assistant from the beginning of the season, what happened to her?” you ask, trying to understand what he’s doing but you hear his phone ringing. 

“It’s complicated with her, I need something stable, and I know Wolff always gets the best of the best so I might have to get a taste.” he replies as Toto, who was silent before, scoffs in the background. Christian checks his phone and excuses himself as he runs back to the Alpha Tauri hospitality center. 

You let out a breath that you didn’t realize you were holding as you are walking to the meeting. 

“Red Bull will be trying to have technical directives for the next few races to try and stop us.” Toto says. 

“I know, I built that case and all the arguments. I know exactly what to say to convince the FIA in favor of Red Bull.” you reply “Can I talk during the meeting?” you ask

“What do you mean talk?”

“Like defending our team’s points, why technical directives shouldn’t be changed, and counterarguments.” 

“No, your role is the one of the assistant, not the meeting participant. You will only be allowed there to keep notes.” 

“I can write my points to you and you can read them and elaborate more, can’t I?” 

“Yes, you can write notes for me to read.”

“Nice, let’s get no regulation change for today.” 

“Isn’t this bad for Red Bull?”Toto asks

“Right now I am working for Mercedes, and Mercedes is only treating me right.” you answer

Toto raises his eyebrows “I am both flattered and surprised by the fact that you want to favor us.”

“You know what Toto? I am tired of thinking how Christian and Helmut will be using my case to present in this meeting. I worked hard for this and I was supposed to present my point. This meeting was supposed to be my first one.”

“Didn’t you go when you were younger?” 

“No, I didn’t Christian always had his assistant with him and never managed to get me in even when I started working part-time for him. It is frustrating to see how your own father looks to replace you at a job. And now the team that I accidentally got in, even has the ability to read my notes and present a solid case.”

Toto doesn’t say anything, he just looks at you, his body language revealing that he is scared to say anything to you. 

“Am I really that bad?” you ask 

“No. Don’t you ever say that again. You were great, you got a deal with some investors, you helped run a team and you are doing a good job at even being an assistant in the team you probably hated the most.”

10 minutes later you are already sitting at a long table. Toto is sitting on your left. You take your new iPad and a Mercedes notepad with a matching pen and rest it on the conference table in front of you as team principals and other officials are taking their seats to start the meetings. Once everyone is gathered there Stefano starts the meeting with all the formalities needed the conversation starts and after a while you start discussing the burning issue. You open your updated document that you had created this morning with all the arguments and the possible answers that could be said from Mercedes’ side, those ones you hadn’t given to your father. This was only to help your presentation to get the regulations changed but now you are using it for the opposite reason. Christian finishes presenting all the planned points and it’s time for Toto to express his opinion. You managed to write a couple of things on paper and showed him some of the points that he needs to discuss. The man has done this countless times you’re sure but he’s totally letting you handle this. 

“Okay, this is an answer to Christian’s concerns about how the regulations right now are not in the right direction. I do not have an exact answer to each and every point of Christian’s speech but I will be trying to get most of them.” he says and glances at the paper in front of him “I’ll start by Christian’s point that the issue affects multiple teams, when in fact it’s not even the majority of the grid that faces the issue that you are aiming to get changed. I can’t see the reason for the regulation change, clearly it’s not that dangerous to drivers health according to doctors and also it would be a huge waste of our resources to just redesign certain aspects of the car when we have the budget cap this year. That’s how I see it.” Toto finishes his monologue and all the eyes are on him. 

“Clearly there will be a vote for this.” Stefano says 

“Thank you for the notes.” Toto says turning to you and you nod back

Later on the vote takes place and the results are the ones that you expected. That means increased performance from Mercedes and Red Bull chasing them right behind. In other circumstances you would be fuming but now you are happy Mercedes got the chance to stop the regulation changes with your help. The meeting ends and you lobby around for a little longer but afterwards you are back to the paddock walking to the garage for the second practice session. Toto walks by your side and you feel he wants to ask you about what happened there but before he can you inform him you will need some time in your office and you leave him behind. 

You get back to your office and you text your friend Sara who lives in Monaco

You

Are you in Monaco?

Sara

Of course I am in Monaco.

The question is where are you?

You 

Issues with dad, he won’t let me enter the paddock because I was late in a business meeting and now he removed me from the team

Still in Jeddah though

Listen, I need a favor from you and your magic contacts in Monaco

Sara

I don’t wish to know more about the dad-daughter drama

But I am here to help you with whatever you want

You

I need a place to stay in Monaco

Sara

You can crash on mine or I’ll book you a hotel

You 

I am thinking more of an apartment tbh

Sara

How long do you plan on staying here?

You 

Permanently?

Sara 

OMG, you’ll become a fellow Monegasque?

I will be in contact with my estate agent

You

Yes, I am planning to finally start living in Monaco. I don’t even know if Christian will take me back to the team to be honest but even if he does I can still live in Oxfordshire or in my apartment in London.

Sara

How fast do you need it?

You 

As soon as possible please 

You lock your phone as you take a deep breath to realize the decision that you just took. Moving to Monaco has always been your dream, since you have been to the Grand Prix there you fell in love with the place and you have spent quite some time in Sara’s house during the summer when you were younger. But now you want to do this alone, you want to feel independent in the country that you loved so much. You immediately think of contacting your father. You decide email is the best option. If he wants to be a bitch so will you

Hello father, 

I am sending this email to inform you about my decisions. I will be moving to Monaco in the next couple of weeks, on my own. I believe I will be able to make my own living with the money I currently have. I am requesting my last paycheck from the team since I have been fired and I am not aware of your intentions to hire me back or not. I wish that my personal space in our estate in Oxfordshire remains unchanged in case I am able to return to my obligations to the team, and I inform you that the apartment in London will still be mine. I am still in Saudi Arabia arranging my flight to Monaco. I will be quite busy during the next few weeks so I will not be able to contact you. Should you decide that I am able to come back to the team please inform me. 

Wishing you the best. 

And send. 

You go back to the garage 20 minutes in the session and you spot Toto sitting alone at the top of the fantasy island wearing a pair of headphones while another one is resting  on the desk in front of him. You go to his right and check the timings. Currently Mercedes 1-2. He looks at you and removes the headset so he can listen. He hands you the spare headset.

“Isn’t this Nyck’s?” you ask

“No this is yours, Nyck is not joining us at this session.”

“Thank you” you say and you wear the headphones 

During the rest of the session Toto shows you all the graphs about the car performance as well as all the communications systems in the team. You are convinced that he is not supposed to do that, it’s knowledge that an assistant could live without knowing and wouldn’t affect their job but still he seems so invested in letting you understand how the team works. This experience is not about gathering information for Red Bull, you think. It’s more about how a team should be and how correct management is done. Something that you feel is missing from Red Bull. The session finishes and Lewis and George are back to the garage with another top 3 finish for the team. 

As soon as your day ends you drive your Aston Martin back to the Red Bull hotel, pack your baggage, check out and drive to the airport where you are supposed to leave the car. When you manage to do so you go to the car rental area of the airport and visit the kiosk of the company Toto texted you about and get the keys to a brand new Mercedes AMG. Shortly after that you get dressed with your Mercedes gear once again and drive to the Ritz-Carlton to check into your new room. 

Turns out Toto has not only arranged a room for you but it’s also a huge fucking suite that you’re sure most Mercedes employees wouldn’t even consider having. You take a look at the suite and you open the closet door to find it full of Mercedes team shirts, hilfiger pants and the usual Mercedes designed puma shoes. You snap a picture of the closet and you decide to document those weeks of alternate reality that you are currently living in.

When the anxiety of the weirdest day you’ve lived wears off you check your phone for your newest messages

Sara

Gerard just reached out to me.

He has a wonderful loft 2,5 km from the Quartier Du Port.

Generally peaceful location

Sea views as well

Let me know if you want to see it.

You 

If you can go there and get some pictures please do. Thank you &lt;3

After that long day you realize that you didn’t get the chance to have a proper meal so you decide to order room service to finally eat something. You think of how pathetic it would look if you eat alone in this huge suite and before you can even cope with that thought you reach for your phone and call Toto. He picks up after 2 rings

“Hello” he says

“Hi, how’s everything?”

“Good, I am getting ready to go downstairs to the restaurant to have dinner, how are you?” “Oh same I was thinking of getting some room service for dinner since I can’t actually go to the restaurant to eat, but the suite is big enough to not feel restricted in one room. Thanks for that by the way.”

“I am sure you’ve only lived in suites for the whole year now so I thought why not. Don’t let the rest of the team know that though.” he says and you hear his laugh on the phone. You stay quiet and he does the same but when you actually decide to say something he speaks again “Maybe we can have dinner together now” he says.

“That’s why I called you in the first place” you admit, but you think you definitely sound a bit in despair. “I can’t order food for two people though it might seem weird.”

“You can come over to my suite, I’ll make sure that it will look as if I am having a meeting with either James or Shov.” he suggests

“Is it okay?” you ask again

“Definitely, I will be ready in 10, suite 264. See you.” he says and terminates the call.

You take a look at the closet trying to decide what to wear. You choose a graphic t-shirt and your most comfortable pants paired with your white sneakers, the only flat pair of shoes that you carried with you. You take a look at the mirror, readjust your hair, put on a nude lipstick and after 10 minutes you are finally ready to leave. You put on your mask because your goal for today isn’t getting caught from walking in some hotel corridor and you navigate your way to suite 264, you knock on the door and Toto is right there letting you in. He’s wearing a pair of black sweats and a gray T-shirt but he is barefoot. 

“Hey” you say and you walk in the suite looking around. It does look like your suite when it comes to furniture but the rooms are a little more private. There’s a desk that has turned out to be more like Toto’s office for the weekend. You sit on the couch while he closes the door behind you and walks in the living room. You take your mask off and sit there looking at the ceiling. Toto stands in front of you with a menu card in hand.

“I was thinking, maybe pasta?” he tells you

“That’s what I planned to order today.” you laugh as Toto reaches for the phone on the table next to the couch and orders 2 plates of pasta ai funghi with two glasses of red wine. 

“They’ll be here in 30 minutes” he tells you

“Great” you reply and stand up. You look at the place around you, stand up and walk to the desk. You sit on the only chair there and you put on his round glasses and put on your serious face as you move your fingers on the mousepad of his mac which -to your surprise- is unlocked so you are able to navigate in his computer. You open up his email but still he doesn’t react even though you are looking at you closely and you start typing and reading out loud. 

“Hey Michael, I am just sending you an email.” you say and you keep being serious while you hear Toto bursting in laughter at the couch.

“Lewis is the best of all time, he did nothing wrong, everything is red bull's fault.” you say again and he keeps looking at you. 

You keep joking, acting like you are typing a new email “Hey FIA, it’s Toto, please let us use the das. It's a great innovation and we are so smart to think about it. We are not illegal, or at least that’s what James Allison and Shov said. It’s not our fault that we are both smart and sexy. Thank you in advance.” 

“That’s not what I said” he laughs

“I’ll need proof for that.” you say “Would I make a good Toto Wolff?” 

“The best. I’ll be sure to leave you in my position once I retire.” 

“What will Daimler say for that though?” 

“You are doing your training so why would they have an issue?” he replies and you laugh. 

“Isn’t this suite a bit too big just for you?” you ask

“You have the same one but yeah it is a bit big.”

“Mine isn’t as big.” you say “Most times I feel lonely in those suites. Mine don’t have kitchens though.” 

“You cook? Too bad we have ordered already.” 

“Maybe another time.” you say and you hear the door knocking. 

“Quite fast.” Toto says and he stands up to open the door. 

You walk around the suite once again and enter his bedroom and look at the open closet which is once again full of Mercedes button ons so you grab one and put it on. You hear Toto talking and you go back to the living room but he’s still talking to the person outside the door. 

“I am kinda busy here Cynthia. I am sorry.” you hear him say

“Please Toto.” a female voice replies “Is there someone else? Is that why you ordered two plates, two glasses of wine?” she asks

“Cynthia I am in the middle of a very important business meeting, it’s about tomorrow’s qualifying and James is waiting inside to eat so that we can continue our meeting. Thank you for the service.” 

“Will you call me when you are done?” 

“I will be asleep when we are done.Thank you” he says and closes the door. 

You stand there in his living room wearing his button up feeling stupid for believing this thing could go anywhere further. 

“I should get going.” you say 

“Now that the food is here?” he asks but you don’t reply, “Is this shirt mine? Are you going to take this one too?”

“I will get back to my suite and you can call Cynthia, or whatever her name is, and tell her that James is gone and that you are okay for her to come back and do whatever you two do together.” 

“Wait, are you jealous? Of Cynthia?” 

“I am not jealous, just not in the position to get involved with someone who’s fucking around with the girl who brought him room service 3 times.” 

“I am not involved with her.” he says

“Well she seemed awfully too comfortable to be just a stranger Toto.” 

“What do you want to hear?” he asks

“That you’ve fucked her?” you tell him

“We slept together once last year.” 

“That’s all I needed to hear. Goodbye Toto.” you say as you walk towards the door, his shirt still hanging on your shoulders but before you can leave he manages to grab your hand 

“I only saw her once this year and I just said hi. We hadn’t spoken since last year but as soon as I arrived she didn't stop appearing in my way. She had reached out several times since we left last year but I never got back to her.” 

“So she’s nothing to you?” 

“She was just a fling.” he replies and you turn around to sit on the dining table. 

“Fine” you say, irritation apparent in your voice “Am I just a fling?” you ask yourself in your head so you decide to ask the same to Toto who is holding the pasta plates leaving one in front of you and one opposite to you  on the table. He doesn’t answer, instead he does the same with the two glasses of wine. His silence makes you feel like his answer is not the one that you want to hear but as he leaves the glasses on the table he doesn’t sit down, he stays there towering over you and looking at you. 

“If it was just a fling I wouldn’t risk destroying my team for it. Also I wouldn’t have done anything that I’ve done for you in any case.” he replies. “Technically you can’t even call it a fling because we only made out two or three times and we were drunk.” he says and just stays still “And still there are two glasses of wine that I ordered on that table. I am never going to learn, am I ?” he laughs

“Sorry ?” you ask but he leans in, reaches for your face and kisses you catching you off guard. You stay still in your chair as he sits opposite to you not saying anything

“The wine is red” he says then

“I can see that.” you reply

“They say that red wine can get you drunk easier.” 

You try to understand where he’s going with this

“And?”

“We haven’t drunk any of it yet so we are sober”

“Why are you explaining this to me like I’ve never drunk before?”

“This is the most sober that I will be tonight and you said that I didn’t have the guts to make a move without being drunk.” he says

“You won’t get drunk with a glass of wine Toto.”

“I know I won’t but still I didn’t want you to blame this on a single drop of alcohol.” he replies and you smile and you start eating. No one talks during dinner but you are laughing at each other when you’re struggling with eating the pasta without actually making a mess. It feels natural to just sit there and eat with his company, like you are finally where you are supposed to be. For this moment you forget everything else and you focus on what you are currently living. After some time you both finish your food and you see Toto standing up. 

“We should finish our wine on the couch.” he says, taking his glass and you copy his moves. He sits on the couch and you do the same but you don’t sit close to him. You rest your back on the couch arm and lay there putting your feet on his lap. He turns and looks at you but he doesn’t say anything. He rests one hand on your feet and he grabs his phone with the other one unlocking it and looking at his mails. 

“Do you want to work?” you ask

“It’s Friday night so no.” he replies

“Then close your phone”

“What can we do instead?” 

“Talk like normal people?” you tell him

“About?” he asks

“I am thinking of moving to Monaco” 

“That’s a bold choice, have you thought about it enough?” he asks

“I have and I think it’s the best thing I can do to be honest, I have some of my friends there and I really want to leave home, I really can’t deal with Christian while he keeps treating me like this.” 

“That’s good.” he replies “What about going to the factory ?” 

“How are you doing it? You live in Monaco and you also have to go to England at the factory.” 

“It’s really tiring to be honest, you need to have a place to stay close to the factory “

“I have my apartment in London available.” you tell him

“London to Milton Keynes isn’t that easy to do on a daily basis.” 

“Anyways, going to the factory isn’t my main priority right now, I am not even on the team.” 

“You are on Mercedes.” he says

“Is this an invitation to Brackley?” you laugh

“You swore it was just for a few races, not that you will be staying permanently” 

“It was my masterplan to get hired by Mercedes.” 

“We don’t want you with us.” he jokes

“Why?” you ask 

“You are distracting the team Ms. Horner.” 

“How am I even distracting the team?” you say whining “People don’t even know who I am except from you.”

“You answered for me.” he tells you “And now I have to deal with you walking around Monaco.” 

“Oh sorry, I’ll cancel my plans then.”

“Oh no, Monaco needs a twist.” he says and you look at him but say nothing. He doesn’t attempt to start a new conversation, he just readjusts on the couch, grabs the remote and opens the TV. He navigates through Netflix’s homepage and you eventually make him watch a movie which he tried to convince you not to watch. Again, none of you speaks during the movie. Halfway through, you realize you’re far too invested in the movie and turn to look at Toto who is fast asleep on that same couch. You decide that there’s no point in staying longer in his suite and you remove your legs from his lap as smoothly as you can, you grab your phone and your shoes which you had earlier taken off and head to the door tiptoeing. 

“Stay here tonight.” you hear his raspy voice which takes you by surprise and you almost scream

“It’s better that I leave, you are tired and need some sleep.” you reply

“There’s a spare bed if that’s what you’re worried about.” 

“And there’s an empty suite down the hallway.”

“Come on, aren't you bored to leave when you can just sleep here?” he tells you and well, he’s kinda right. Plus it’s not like you don’t want to spend some more time with him and it would definitely be questionable if someone saw you leaving his suite at midnight. You don’t go back to the couch but you leave your shoes down while Toto eyes every single move you make. 

“It’s quali day tomorrow, we need to sleep. Come on.”  you tell him and you walk to his room. Seconds later he follows you and enters the room. 

“I’m taking the left side.” you say and he smiles at you with a sleepy face. 

“You’re sure you don’t want to sleep in the other room?” he asks

“It’s not like it will make any difference. Except if you have a problem.”

“No, definitely not.” he replies and both of you lay on the bed, facing each other. 

“I’ll wake up earlier to go to the gym, then we can get ready and hit the track. We’ll have breakfast there.” he says and you nod. He seems very calm, eyelids heavy with sleep so you decide to lean and kiss him goodnight. As you come closer to him you can now feel his scent and warmth and you put your lips on his. The kiss is slow and sweet, somehow different from the rest that the two of you had shared up to this moment. 

“Goodnight Wolff.” you say

“Goodnight Horner.” he replies and both of you drift to sleep. 

The next day you wake up without an alarm and you find the bed next to you empty. You hear water running and figure out that Toto must be taking his post gym shower. You keep laying there and grab your phone to go through new updates and messages. Not a lot of time passes until he emerges from the bathroom wearing nothing but a white towel wrapped around his waist and he holds another one trying to dry the water off his hair. You admire the sight for a while and you say “Good Morning”. He looks at you and replies

 “Good Morning Horner. Slept well?” 

“Very much thank you” you say “How about you?”

“Slept really well, and I started my day with a good session at the gym with George and Lewis.”

“Oh that must have been interesting. I would have loved to join you three.”

“It would be funny to see their reactions.” he replies as he dries his hair on a smaller white towel while he’s looking at the nightstand on your right where his things rest . He tosses the towel he was holding on a white chair in the room and he approaches you. He climbs on the bed and puts one hand on the headrest while his other hand is stretching to reach the IWC watch on the nightstand. His already toned muscles are a little more observable now that he’s lingering above you. You draw a sharp breath at the sight trying to contain your thoughts and your self but you still look up and stare at him while he makes sure that he gets the watch. When he actually does, he looks down at you and he catches you staring. 

“What?” he asks, staying still in the same position and you don’t answer but instead you scoff. You take a quick glance on his body and you let your instincts take over. You grab him from his neck and pull him down for a kiss. He immediately reacts by holding your face with his now free hand and he pulls you closer as he deepens the kiss and bites your lip. You melt into the kiss still laying down as you feel your heart racing faster than any racing car you’ve ever seen. Your breath gets quicker as you get the sheets out of your way trying to feel his skin on yours. Toto mutters “Fuck” in between your kisses making you a little crazier. He breaks the kiss and walks to the end of the bed, he grabs your legs and starts leaving trails of  kisses all the way up from your calf to your upper thigh until he stops and looks at you, eyes full of lust. He lingers above you for a second or two and he looks at you intensely trying to make sure that he has your consent for his following actions. Once you understand what this is about you nod while you're trying to regulate your breath. 

"Stay still for me baby" he requests and you try to follow his order by just laying there as he dives his head between your thighs. Your breathing gets faster and deeper as he works his way down on you making you feel like you’ve never felt before. You sense his smile while his tongue makes circles down on you. It’s more sensual than you’ve imagined it to be. And god the man definitely knows what he’s doing. He keeps going on for a while with the same dedication as he started and you feel getting closer and closer to your absolute limits. You look down on him as he now uses his hands on you, and you see him staring back. “You look so good baby” he says and all you can manage to say is his name followed by a moan. “Toto I’m so close. Fuck” you say out of breath and he dives in once again as if he heard the magic phrase. He works his magic and shortly after you probably have the best orgasm you’ve ever had. Then he stands up, his hardness still apparent. You manage to regain your strength and crawl at the end of the bed. “Time to take care of you love.” you tell him and he looks at you with a sparkle in his eye. You reach for his neck and pull him in for a long kiss as you move your hand down his torso and on his crotch. You feel him, how hard he is, and you’re secretly taking pride in your effect on him. You start touching him, trying to make him feel good in your hands. His breathing gets faster as you continue and you can sense him coming closer and closer. You want to give him your best so you slowly lean down but he stops you. “Let me feel you?” he asks, almost sounding tortured. You feel a burning desire in you. You’ve imagined this for some time. You cannot say no, not now. Instead you say “Yes please” and get on his lap. You kiss him, while you’re repeating in your head “i am actually fucking Toto Wolff”. You give him one or two strokes getting ready for him but instead of following he looks around, probably for protection. “I am on birth control” you tell him and he turns his attention back to you. You place yourself in the right position as you feel him pressuring your entrance. Once he’s in you start riding him until  you feel yourself getting out of breath. All this time muttering his name like a mantra and he is just repeating something in the lines of “God you feel so good.”, both of you feeling like you’re in another world. As soon as he gets that you are tired he lifts you up and lays you down on the bed. Now he is on top and he’s thrusting in and out in a rhythmic and satisfying way. He looks you in the eye. It’s not awkward. Not even close. You both seem to enjoy it quite a lot. It’s not after a long time that both of you finish at the same time, in an almost poetic way. 

Now both of you lay naked on Toto’s queen sized bed. No one is talking. You just lay on his torso while his hand is round your shoulders. At some point you decide to break the silence

“That was a decent start to the day.” you say and Toto looks down on you 

“Beats the early gym session to be honest.” he says

“I would be angry if you preferred going to the gym with Lewis and George to having sex with me” 

“If it wasn’t for the gym you wouldn’t be here now”

“You think it was the ‘semi naked with a towel’ appearance that made me want to sleep with you?” you laugh “I would give it to you any time of the day, even if you were wearing a garbage bag Wolff.” 

“Nice to hear that you are unreasonably horny.” 

“It’s not without a reason though. I think you’ve figured out that I do not consider you a bad looking man.” 

“I have yes.” 

“All I had to do is to just find the courage to just throw myself at you.” you laugh 

“And you kind of had to be drunk to do so?” he asks

“Yes”

“Isn’t it ironic though?” he says “That we actually slept together during the moment of our biggest clarity and sobriety?”

“What is it with the philosophical questions Toto? I just wanted to have sex with you for a long time and I did.”

“Long time I hear?” 

“Yes, are you surprised?” you ask

“No, just glad that I am not the only one. Was it good at least?” 

“God Toto, you’re asking the cringiest questions.” you say “Yes, god, it was perfect.”  you answer and you hear Toto laugh. 

“Now as much as I want to stay here and repeat this through the day, we have to go to the track” he says

“Ah yes, I am dying to get some breakfast as well.” you say and Toto laughs 

“I’ve already had mine” he says with a smirk and as soon as you get what he’s talking about you grab your pillow and start hitting him playfully. 

“Come on, let’s get ready.” 

A hour or so later, you find yourself parking a shiny black Mercedes at the track's parking area while being already disguised as your alter ego, full on Mercedes’ gear.  Today you are wearing Toto’s shirt, which is a little oversized but you manage to style it in a great way. You grab your bag, draw a sharp breath and open the door. You walk to the paddock and scan your pass as you go totally unnoticed by people around you. To them you look like a regular Mercedes employee that they have no reason to care about. Little do they know that this is actually you. To be honest you kind of love the calmness of it, how no one is chasing you for a photo or a statement on a recent drama or event of the F1 world. You just walk unbothered. You get so caught up in that thought that you don’t actually notice how fast you got to the motorhome. You get in and put on your show, greeting the majority of your colleagues that also seem ignorant to your presence there. You go to the buffet area and grab a tray for your breakfast which you eventually bring to the small office that Toto managed to provide you. Once you settle in,  you sit down to eat but you take a photo of the breakfast as a part of documenting that crazy weekend. You also decide to send the photo to Toto. 

You 

[photo]

Grabbed breakfast and brought it to the office. Drop by if you don’t have anything better to do. 

Wolff

Just walked in. I’ll grab my coffee and be there in 5. 

You 

Cool.

Five minutes later you hear a knock on the door followed by “Miss Roosevelt it’s Wolff here.” 

“Coming.” you say and unlock the door for him to come in. 

“Hey” you say

“Hello” he answers and looks at the full tray “You got quite a lot of food there.” 

“Yeah, that start to the day just opened my appetite.” 

“That’s good to hear” 

“So, what am I supposed to do today?” 

“Well, practice starts in 45 minutes and then we have qualifying.” 

“I am aware of the program, thank you.” 

“You won’t let me finish my thought will you?” he says

“Sorry” you tell him and look at him 

“I am thinking, maybe you can join me and Nyck in the garage for practice.” he pauses to think “And then you can take a look at the data before qualifying.” 

“No I cannot do that” you say 

“Why not? I know you can read data, you have the basic skills and knowledge to judge a performance run.” 

“I don’t want to be involved with your data. It’s confidential.” you reply.  It is actually crazy that Toto is okay with the idea of you handling the team’s data, as if you are not his number one opponent. 

“I know it is. But I trust you, plus there’s an NDA that you’ve already signed. And the fact that you deny reading the data makes me want to give you access to them more than before. Because I know how serious you are about not leaking stuff.” 

“Okay I will take a look, but only for a short time.” you tell him 

“Oh and then I want you to do a tour to a group of visitors that will be coming to the garage.” 

“Aren’t there people responsible for this?” you ask, reminiscing the fact that in Red Bull you have people who are responsible for the hospitality packages. 

“There are but they are shitting their pants because Christiano is dropping by later.”

“Who is Christiano?” you ask, slightly confused

“Ronaldo” he replies

“He’s coming to the race?” 

“Yes. He’s actually coming both today and tomorrow and the team is invested in doing everything perfect for him.” he says and you are still staring at him with your mouth open “We are a bit short staffed in that team so an extra help would be amazing.” 

“Good. I’ll do that too.” 

“Great, thanks love” he says and you freeze at the name but before it gets too awkward the door knocks. 

“Toto, this is James, do you have some time to review the quali strategy?” you hear through the door

“Yes, I will be there in a sec.” he replies “Gotta go now, i’ll see you in 45 right?” 

“Right” you tell him and he is out of the office. I

You spend the next 30 minutes scrolling through twitter and eating the breakfast that you got earlier as well as taking a look at Toto’s schedule for the day. Later on you leave the office, mask on once again, and make your way to the garage and to the top of the fantasy island where Toto and Nyck are waiting for the session to start. Both cars are in the garage waiting for a sign to leave once the lights at the end of the pitlane turn green and at the same time all the mechanics are making the final touches on the set ups. You greet everyone sitting on the fantasy island and put on the spare headphones as you did the day before. The session is done as usual, the drivers  going in and out of the garage to change setups on the car to find an optimal one for the qualifying. Performance runs are also on the programme but only during the last fifteen minutes of the session. Everything concerning telemetry is being sent directly into Toto’s computer on top of the fantasy island as soon as each lap ends so that he can see how they are done and areas where they can be corrected. The session ends quicker than it usually does when you are at Red Bull because suddenly all the chit chat becomes interesting and not as boring as it is with Christian. 

“P1 and P2 huh?” you ask him. Nyck is already out of the garage, something about having to talk to some foreign media made Toto let him leave before the small pre qualifying debrief.  

“It isn’t bad is it?” he asks back.

“It is not for us” you tell him “ It is for the rest of the grid though. I bet Christian is fuming right now.” 

“It is not bad for them. If we are in front they will have to innovate more to reach us. It motivates them.” 

“I bet they are not seeing it this way though.” 

“Is Christian really fuming if we finish in front in practice?” 

“Yeah, he’s not a fan of coming second in any session of this sport.”

“Too bad for him.” he says and you laugh. At this moment your phone rings with a notification from the calendar app reminding you of an interview Toto has to attend. 

“Oh, I am seeing now that you should be outside the media pen for an interview.” you tell him

“I am very much aware, thank you.” 

“Well, why are you not there now?” 

“I prefer to hang out with my beautiful assistant instead.” he compliments you

“Oh my god, shut up” you laugh and he does the same “Come on, interview, now!” you say as you tug him and try to push him to the corridor that leads to the paddock playfully. 

“That’s unfair. I am the boss. You are not in the position to prohibit me from doing anything.” he laughs as he walks reluctantly to the paddock. 

“Well, it seems like I am in charge of what you are doing so technically I am allowed to tell you what to do.” you tell him “I will be enjoying a cold cup of coffee in the meantime.” 

“Once again, that’s unfair Horner.” he says the second part whispering so that people are not able to hear. “Also, you have work to do. The telemetry data is already in your email inbox waiting to be read and commented on, so if I were you I would actually save the coffee for later.” he says and you look at him flabbergasted. “Oh and as soon as you are done with that you have the little tour to do in an hour and a half. Take care Ms. Roosevelt.” 

Before you are able to form a sentence he is already gone, more like running to the media pen. You on the other side, walk back to your office, open your new iPad and take a look at the data. The lap times look good, still slower than the lap time that you calculated the pole position would be on, but they look good. In the data you can see clearly that the engine mode is in a much less aggressive setup that you are sure will change during qualifying. You add some comments using your iPencil concerning parts of where you think the drivers can gain time, as well as some questions for the strategists and the mechanics. When you are done, you forward your notes to Toto’s email and check the clock to see that it has actually been 1:30 hours and that it is actually the time to go meet the people you will be giving your tour to.

You find them all standing on a circle by the garage entrance at the paddock, discussing, taking pictures and being excited. There are 5 of them, 3 guys and 2 girls, all of them close to your age. You approach them and greet them. One of the girls looks gorgeous. The boys aren’t bad either. 

“Hello everyone.” you say “You must be waiting for a paddock tour right?” 

“Yeah” one of the boys says and the rest of them nod. 

“Okay!” you say in an excited tone, trying to engage with them. “I am Mindy. I will learn your names during the tour I suppose.”

“Nice to meet you” says one of the girls “Likewise” you answer “So, should we start? Are you all excited?”

“Very.” one of the boys says.

 The tour starts and you take all of them for a walk in the paddock to see all the motorhomes and where you actually work and you are actually describing all the details about what you are showing to them. You take them by the media pen, where you spot Toto giving another interview for pre qualifying. All of the guys and the girls get very excited and try to snap a picture even from far away. Then you take them by the garage but just before you manage to get in, you receive a new notification on your watch

Wolff

Just finished the interviews at the media pen and managed to see your notes and questions on the telemetry data. I forwarded them to James and he immediately got back to me asking who made all those brilliant notes and questions. I guess you are wasting yourself with management, you should become a mechanic instead. 

Oh I also caught a glance of you and the guys during the tour. I hope that you are doing alright. We don’t want to make Ritz’s employees sad, we still have a few days left before we check out. 

You read the message and realize that the people that you’ve been interacting with are people working at your hotel. So you decide to stop the tour and actually get to know them. 

“You know what? Let’s introduce ourselves before going into the garage.” you tell them and walk back to a bench located at the paddock. 

“So as I told you before I am Mindy Roosevelt, I am currently working at Mercedes AMG Petronas F1 but my position is totally different to what I am doing right now. I am actually working as an assistant to upper management, but the hospitality team has a very special guest for this weekend and they were busy enough so you are left with me.” you say  “Go ahead, introduce yourselves.” 

One of the guys starts talking “I am Ahmad Hussain and like everyone here, I am working at the Ritz-Carlton in Jeddah. I am working as a cook in the hotel kitchen so everything that you’ve tasted in the past few days might have had to do something with me.” 

“I loved everything that I’ve tried, thank you Ahmad.” you tell him

“I am Benjy Ayad, I am half american half saudi arabian and I am currently working at the Ritz-Carlton as an economics advisor.” he says

“Mohammad Dawoud, and I am working at the Ritz-Carlton in room service.”

“Oh, I will be requesting for you Mohammad.” you laugh and he takes a bow showing his honor. 

“I am also working as room service at the Ritz.” you hear one of the girls saying. This time it’s the pretty one

“That’s nice. What is your name?”

“I am Cynthia Jones.” she says and you freeze as you realize that the girl standing in front of you has slept with the man you slept with this morning. Jealousy as well as curiosity are your main feelings so you ask for more information. 

“Sounds very non-Saudi Arabian. Where are you from Cynthia?” you ask

“I am from the UK actually. I was born and raised there, my parents are British but all of a sudden I ended up here. I was looking for a position in management in some big companies here in Saudi Arabia and I got this job as a part time until I figured things out but I ended up staying for two years.” 

“That’s crazy. And why management? Do you have a degree?” 

“Yes, I actually do. I got my degree in Switzerland and I tried pursuing it but right now I haven’t found anything that I like.” 

You nod in agreement, trying to register all the information that you’ve learned from her directly. Toto was secretive about their relationship so learning even the slightest about her is important. Finally you turn to the last girl left

“Alina Mohammad, I work as a receptionist at the Ritz. Nothing to know exactly. I was born and raised here and I got a degree in touristics so I got the job of my dreams.” 

“You guys seem really happy with what you are all doing. I hope you keep doing what you love.” you say “I mean you all managed to buy a paddock pass that most people wouldn’t dream buying at what? 24?” 

“No actually we didn’t buy a pass, the team invited us to join today’s action.”  says Benjy

“Oh shit, I didn’t know that.” you say 

“Yeah they came in last night and handed us the passes just before our shift ended. We went crazy.” says Cynthia and you look at her. 

“Sorry Cynthia, if I may ask, what time do you finish your shift on average?” 

“I don’t know, maybe like 11pm or something? Yesterday I finished at that time.” she replies. At this point you are now sure, Toto asked her to come there today. There’s no other explanation. As soon as he saw her he wanted her to come back. That’s why he invited her. It wasn’t planned for you to do the interview, but he changed it to make you interact with Cynthia, to actually hurt your feelings. 

“Mindy, is everything okay?” Mohammad asks as you have totally zoned out

“Sorry, I spaced out for a bit. Yes, everything is good. Shall we continue with our garage tour?” you ask and they nod. You go back to the garage trying to explain as many things as you know about the things there. To be honest, your mood isn’t quite the same as it was before you knew who the beautiful blonde by your side was. Luckily, the tour comes to an end 30 minutes later but sadly it is qualifying time so you have to be by Toto’s side by the time the session starts. Cristiano Ronaldo is also there by Toto’s side. You nod and greet him as Toto introduces you and you just get back to work. 

During qualifying you sit there, not talking, just looking at the screen and the timings and occasionally checking your burner twitter account for any comments.  Although you are pissed at the man next to you you definitely don’t want Mercedes to qualify in bad positions so through Q1 and Q2 you are relaxed since it is obvious that both cars will be through to Q3. During Q3 you keep your fingers crossed and mostly during the last runs for pole position you keep praying as you usually do in Red Bull. When the timer runs out Lewis and George are sitting P1 and P2 respectively, locking the front row for tomorrow’s start and as soon as the team figures it out, the whole garage erupts in cheers. Toto reaches Ronaldo for a handshake, celebrating the results.  Your eye catches the guys from earlier cheering and hugging each other, taping with their phones. Toto turns to you and you do a high five with him as he smiles at you. You remain indifferent in his reaction, keeping yourself busy until George and Lewis are back to the parc ferme to congratulate them. Once you are done with that you simply say goodbye to everyone there and leave. 

You go back and grab all your things and without saying a word to anyone you drive back to the hotel. When you are ready to go back to bed, you see a new message

Max Emilian Verstappen

Where are you? I missed you on track these days. 

You

Sadly Christian thought it was a fair deal to throw me out of the team for god knows how long.

Happily for you I will be out of your way for that time so you will relax. 

Also congrats for the P3 today, it was a decent run but the mercs had the pace. 

Max Emilian Verstappen

Oh Christian…

Shut up, I already miss you. Are you in England?

Thank you H.

You

I am in Monaco, at a friend's house. 

You feel kinda terrible for lying to him but there’s not much you can do. 

After you chat with Max for a while, you order some food to eat but then get another message. 

Wolff

Lost you after qualifying and when I asked they told me you had left. That wasn’t a bad result. 

Anyways I am going back to the hotel and I am planning to order something to eat, you can hang around my suite if you want and we can discuss strategies for the race. 

Let me know what you are about to do 

You 

I’m not feeling very good, sorry. 

And tomorrow I will be coming in late, probably an hour or so before the start

Wolff

Okay. Do you need any help? Should I drop by your suite? 

How am I supposed to work without my assistant?

You 

I am not your main assistant Woff, you have a hundred people helping you, me not being there won’t be a huge issue

No, don’t come. 

Just let me fucking be for once okay? 

Later on you see that he read the message and didn’t reply. You take a hot bath and go to sleep for tomorrow. 

You wake up the next day pretty late but just in time considering the fact that you are planning to leave in 2 hours. You order breakfast to avoid having something at the track and start getting ready as you are waiting for room service to arrive. You eat and then leave. 

Since you left the hotel earlier your time of arrival is estimated earlier than you actually planned so you decide to take a drive in Jeddah’s streets to soak in the country. An hour or so before the start you actually arrive at the track. You park your car and walk to the hospitality. Then you lock yourself in your office and just read notes for the race. Later on you hear a knock on the door. 

“It’s Wolff” you hear him say and you open the door even if you don’t want to. You don’t speak. You stay there and look at him. “Are you feeling okay?” he asks 

“I am okay, yes.” you reply “Do you want anything else?” you ask him since he’s standing there just watching, 

“Why are you acting like this?” he asks

“Like what?” 

“Like Christian Horner’s daughter?” 

“Yeah, you should be expecting that since that’s exactly who I am” 

“You haven’t been like this since Bahrain.” he says

“Well if you don’t like it then you should call Cynthia.” you tell him

“Is this what this is all about? Are you jealous?” he asks

“Listen Toto, if you want to discuss this I will discuss it outside this office please.” you tell him

“Okay then, follow me.” he says 

“What? Now?” 

“I want to solve this right now if it’s okay.”

“The race starts in 30 minutes.” you say 

“It will take less than 30 minutes, follow me” he says 

Both you and Toto walk in the motorhome before he manages to open a door at the end of the hallway. You climb off the stairs and you reach a place somewhere in between a wall and a closed section of the motorhome. 

“Speak” he says 

“Bossy much ?” you ask

“Yes, now please tell me how did the whole Cynthia thing reoccur after yesterday morning?” 

“Don’t tell me you don’t know.” you tell him

“I do not have a clue.” he says 

“You don’t have a clue about inviting her here?” 

“Who?” 

“Yesterday you made me do a paddock tour to a group of people.”

“Yes, they were the Ritz employees, I am aware of that”

“So you are aware that Cynthia Jones was proudly here watching F1 and enjoying qualifying with a VIP pass right?” 

“I was not.” he says and honestly he seems like he’s telling the truth. 

“You didn’t see her in the garage?” you ask

“Well, believe it or not I do not see everyone who is in the garage.” 

“You didn’t invite her ?” 

“Nope.” 

“She said that she got her invitation right after her shift ended. And her shift ended after you saw her.”

“I was aware that they were going to be here. Just not the names of who was coming. The hotel management was supposed to do a draw and pick 5 people to join us as a gift. It’s part of our contract.” he replies

“So you didn’t know she was coming?” 

“I am going to say no once again.” he says “You can search my messages if you want to.” he says as he hands you his phone. 

“I trust you.” you tell him and you hand him his phone back 

“After all I am not that big of an asshole to invite an ex fling and then sleep with you the next morning.” 

“Don’t you dare do this again.” 

“Invite people or sleep with you?” 

“Oh Wolff fuck off.” you joke

“With you, gladly.” he replies

“Shhh” you tell him 

“You are not going to shut me up this way.” he says and then looks at you “Also take off this goddamn mask now that no one can see us, I am tired of seeing you with it.” 

You take of your mask and smile at him

“You’re sure that no one can see us here right?” you ask and he nods. 

You lean on him and kiss him, catching him off guard. He returns the kiss as he smiles in it .

“I am sorry, Wolff. I won’t overreact about Cynthia again.”

“It’s alright Horner.” he tells you. 

“The race starts in 15, should we go?” 

“Let’s go.” he says and both of you walk back to the garage and your usual places. 

At the start of the race both Lewis and George start off well, keeping their initial positions with Max lurking just behind George. Standing next to Toto, you have access to everything on his computer so you see lap by lap each and every thing you’ve learned to look for in order to plan a strategy in your head. When things get tough and Max gets behind Lewis in P2 your brain is running as fast as it can. The Mercedes strategists are proposing possible pit stop strategies based on the data that they have. However they don’t know one thing that you do. As an executive at Red Bull you have to be aware of code phrases over the team radio, which to be honest can’t be forgotten in a day. So as you’re seeing in the data Lewis is trying to manage his tires and you hear the message “Okay Max, it seems like we are going for a one stopper here.” , you feel the bells ringing in your head. 

The “It seems like” phrase is a code name for doing exactly the opposite that the phrase says so you are 100% sure that they are going for a two stopper in order to win. Something that Mercedes has done countless times. 

Toto had told you earlier that if you want to intervene you can press the button and speak but he thought that you wouldn’t be crazy enough to actually do it. When you crack the code of the Red Bull strategy you immediately press the button saying strategy and speak. 

“Red Bull is going for a two stopper.” you say and Toto looks at you with his eyes wide open. “In about 5 to 10 laps they are going to be back on the softs to chase us. I would suggest pitting Lewis for a second time, turning the engine up and trying to chase him.” 

“Are you sure?” he asks

“The “It seems like” is the key phrase Toto. Please let Lewis know. ” you tell him

“Okay. Do what she said. I am waiting for your calculations. Get back at me in two minutes.” he says while pressing the strategy button 

“Thank you.” he says. 

Later on it seems like Red Bull is caught off guard by Mercedes’ move and they try saving it as well as they can but they fail. At the end of the race the checkered flag is out and Lewis wins the grand prix in Jeddah. 

“Yes boys, come on. Amazing strategy” says Lewis through the radio as everyone in the garage is celebrating. George finishes P2. 

“Thank you for the amazing drive Lewis.” says Toto 

“Get in there Lewis!” says Bono through the radio. 

Toto turns to you and says thank you while he’s off to congratulate the other team members. After Lewis gives his post race interview to Naomi Schiff, you storm off to the pitlane to watch the podium ceremony. Max is also there and he seems a bit disappointed by his streak of P3’s during the season, but you’re barely worried. Right now you are celebrating about Lewis and George. You take your phone out and snap a picture or two. After the champagne opens and the trophies are given you go back to your office and lock yourself there once again. You’re hearing all the congratulations from people in the hospitality center and you sit on the office couch feeling that happiness and euphoria of winning. You haven’t spoken to anyone since the race ended but you are now just laying there happy. A long time after, you hear a knock on the door. You’re sure it’s Toto since the race debrief and the interviews must have ended by now. You ask who it is though.

“It’s Lewis. Can you please open up?” he says and you freeze, stopping dead in your tracks. You put on your mask and you open the door. 

“Oh my god Lewis hi. Congratulations on your win.” you tell him

“Thank you Mindy. It’s Mindy right?” he asks 

“Yes it is.” you tell him

“And you’re a Daimler intern?” 

“I am yes.” 

“Can you please take off your mask so that I can remember your face?” he asks and at this point you are pretty sure he knows that you’re not who you say you are. 

“I am sorry but I am at great risk, I don’t want to get COVID or anything.” you tell him trying to avoid the situation. 

“Don’t worry, I am wearing masks and I also tested negative this morning, so you can take it off.” 

“Is it okay if I don’t want to?” you tell him

“Yes it is.” he says and he turns to face the door, finally going to leave. “We will be outside celebrating the 1-2 with the team, it will be amazing if you come, even for the picture.” 

“I am not sure I have to be there.” 

“I know you had something to do with that win, this strategy didn’t make itself Horner.” he says and you freeze as you register how he called you. 

“Excuse me?” you tell him 

“Next time that you fight with Toto, don’t do it outside my driver’s room Horner.” he says. “I know what happened between you two, I saw you without your mask and I saw you kissing my Team principal, there’s no denying.”

“Shit. Toto said no one could see us.” 

“I could see you but Toto thought I would be at the grid by then when I clearly wasn’t.” 

“I am sorry. You can’t say this to anyone.” you tell him

“I don’t plan to, I just find it funny that you switched teams.” he says

“Yeah, I had to because my dad’s an asshole.” 

“Okay, now you get what everyone’s saying right?” he laughs

“Yeap.” 

“You should come outside, let’s celebrate. You earned this victory as much as I did. Plus I want to have you in the picture. You can wear your mask.” he says and he extends his hand to make you stand up from the couch. 

“Okay” you say and you walk with him 

“Oh and by the way, Wolff is heads over heels for you, I am pretty sure he’s liked you for a long time and he hasn’t stopped thinking about you. That Cynthia thing is completely bullshit.”

“Really?” you ask him and he nods smiling. 

Both of you walk outside to celebrate that amazing day with your amazing achievements. Mercedes really feels like home for you. Toto’s eyes light up when he sees you outside, in between the mix of employees. He stands by your side for the photos and then all of the team starts playing with champagne. It’s a really great night in the desert that makes up for the craziness of the weekend which makes you relax ahead of the new week coming up. 

[gabby-i-guess]

ADHD PSA #3: Bath time 🛀

So I just moved into a new house, and for whatever reason, the gremlins living in my brain have decided that the new shower has ‼️BAD VIBES‼️ and therefore will only agree to let me have a shower when ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY. I've been trying to figure out ways to bribe them into liking the shower, so here are a few ways I've tried to make my shower ADHD accessible.

1) DIY waterproof phone holder

Yes I know I sound like an iPad kid, but if having an audiobook/music/YouTube video playing while I shower lets me shower, I'm ok with that.

All you do is take a sturdy ziplock bag, pop your phone and a large bull clip inside, and zip it up tight (give it a lil squeeze to make sure there are no gaps). Now you can clip the bag onto your shower caddy from the inside, or another ledge or something (get creative), and voila - your phone stays totally dry and you stay entertained. You can even somewhat use your phone through the plastic, so you can change songs etc. When you're done, unclip the unopened bag, take it to a dry place, and you can open it and take your phone out there.

Here's a photo for demo:

2) Sort your shit out

Personally, I get super overwhelmed by all the steps in self-care tasks, including but not limited to showers. Routines like that involve like 10 steps that call on skills ADHDers really struggle with, like decisions, organisation, memory, executive functioning, and planning. So I've made things as simple as they can possibly be for me.

I have 4 little baskets in my cupboard for each of my regular routines:

morning (with makeup, sunscreen, moisturiser, and deoderant)

evening (with vitamin C serum, makeup wipes, pimple patches, and floss)

regular shower (with antibacterial soap, shampoo, conditioner, leave in conditioner, and a hair brush)

and ✨fancy shower✨ (with a razor, shaving cream, nice smelling soap, body moisturiser, curl cream, and a candle)

Now I can just yank out whatever basket I want and use whatever is in it on autopilot. Then, when I'm done, I can dump it all back into the basket and shove it all back into the cupboard. This method reduces how overwhelmed I get by so goddamn much that my fucking dentist commented on the noticeable improvement in my teeth, because I had actually consistently had the energy to floss. And when you're consistently flossing - well, it's only up from here baby 😎

3) DIY bath

The sensory experience of showering can be truly horrendous. And while I can't fix a lot of it, I can at least make it a little less... much. Yk?

So here's my solution:

Yup.

I got myself a blow up pool.

For my shower.

I am officially the coolest person alive.

This baby was $10 at Kmart, and is 80cm wide and 18cm deep - basically, cross your legs and it will not quite cover your thighs. To provide a little more insulation and some padding, I also popped an old towel under the pool. It's really not much, but it means I can sit down in comfortably warm water and splish-splosh myself clean. As opposed to showering, which (especially in a large bathroom/shower like I have now) is alternately way too cold and way too hot, way too loud, way too (I literally don't know how else to say it) "fast", way too out of control (so much splashing and water going everywhere, UGH), and just kinda generally way too much.

A bonus perk: I can finally use some nice pink bubble bath bombs from last Christmas 🥰🥰

I really hope one of these tips helps one of you out there. Keeping yourself clean is one of those "basics" that neurotypical/mentally well people don't realise is actually really hard.

You are doing a truly awesome job, and I'm truly, truly proud of you. Sending you love and warm, clean, sudsy thoughts ❤️

[lingshanhermit]

Lingshan Hermit: Let's Pretend 2012 Was Real

According to Mayan prophecy, a profound transformation was to occur on Earth in the year 2012, and the movie "2012" released in 2009 deepened our impression of the Mayan prophecy of disaster. I heard that after watching the film, some people decided to spend all their money before the arrival of 2012, (of course, I don't think it’s a good idea worth recommending) but most people just took it as another disaster movie.

I want to talk about an experiment I conducted recently. I wanted to see people’s reactions to the year 2012. I told a few Daoist friends, who trust me very much, that severe disasters might occur as the Mayans predicted in 2012, leading to the deaths of many people, and possibly bringing an end to human civilization, potentially bringing us back to the era of drilling wood to make fire.

Due to the recent spate of mass animal deaths worldwide, the constant disasters, and sensational news about the potential eruption of the Yellowstone supervolcano in the US, they believed every word I said.

I think you could benefit from assuming the 2012 prophecies to be true. If you really start thinking that way—that the events that occur two years later could end your life and that of most people—everything will change.

You will start to find many things less important than before. You won't continue to hold a grudge against your parents (you might not even remember why you were angry in the first place—it might have been something trivial, like them disapproving of you wearing what they considered revealing clothes, but you continue to maintain your anger because you don’t know how to end it, and you put on an angry face when you see them, as they’ve grown accustomed to that attitude), because either you or they might not live more than two years, and you only have a brief time left to see each other. If you find that the supermarket has given you less change, you won't go back and argue with them; you'll spend your time on more important things.

You would find it necessary to get used to life without electricity. Some scientists believe that the solar storms that could occur in 2012 will destroy human communication systems and power, so we might live in darkness for months. Imagine life without electricity and the internet—if you're still alive. Just thinking about such a life can drive you crazy. You might only eat some pre-stored compressed biscuits—if you are very lucky.

You'll find that actually, you can live without many things. We are often told we need this or that, but their real utility is extremely limited. For example, the iPad; its utility is really limited, and it mostly serves to satisfy the self.

You will find that many things you've been working hard for are so fragile. Your property, your house, could collapse in an instant. This will help you realize how many people's efforts your current life depends on. Just a power outage could lead to a series of problems, such as drinking water; without electricity, tap water will soon run out. If you live in a super metropolis like Beijing, imagine the scenario of tens of millions of people without water. You should be thankful for those who you’ve always ignored; without them, you couldn't even drink a sip of clean water.

If you knew you might die in a year, would you still work very hard? Or save money? If the civilization collapses, your money will be worthless. Would you care so much about money owed to you? If someone scratched your car, you wouldn't care too much. After all, you might only live another year. You will find that many of your worries are unnecessary.

Oddly enough, if we talk about the disaster of 2012, everyone feels very sad because we might die in these disasters. But if we believe that these things will not happen in 2012, we become very complacent, acting as if we will live for another ten thousand years. You would continuously store things for yourself; you store enough tea to drink for ten years or money for several lifetimes. We keep shopping and consuming. 2012 is the best Buddhist teacher; it will help you end these bad habits.

I know some people who really believe in the prophecies of 2012. They are quietly stockpiling a lot of things: medicines, water purifiers, compressed biscuits, and the like. I want to say to these people, you're overlooking the most crucial thing—you haven't stored up enough merit. Without sufficient merit, you might not even get to use these things. There are rumors that governments around the world are secretly building arks, with tickets priced up to a billion euros. Anyway, the best ticket is your good deeds; Noah was chosen to enter the Ark not because he was a wealthy person like Rockefeller.

In Buddha's time, there were ascetics who, seeing their karmic retribution about to mature, tried every means to avoid the calamity. They burrowed into the seabed silt, flew to other planets, or hid underground, but still, they were struck down by their karma and died.

Strangely, I often tell people they are going to die, that they cannot choose when, where, or how they will die, and most people are indifferent to this. But if I mention 2012, they become panic-stricken.

Before knowing about 2012, you would think you still had a long time to live. If someone died, you would be surprised—how did they die? In reality, we should be surprised if someone never dies. Death is the most normal thing. Since everyone will die, and you don't know when they will go, why would you be surprised when someone does die?

2012 lets us realize that death is not far away (not that 2012 makes death not far, but it makes us realize, death has always been close to us). 2012 gives us a sense of renunciation, 2012 generates compassion in us. Thank you, 2012, even if nothing happened that year, you have already benefited us a lot. Haven't you? In Buddhism, anything that brings us closer to reality (directly or indirectly), whatever the means, can be considered the Dharma.

This article was first published on February 15, 2011.

Copyright Notice：All copyrights of Ling Shan Hermit's articles in Simplified and Traditional Chinese, English, and other languages belong to the natural person who owns "Ling Shan Hermit". Please respect copyright. Publishers, media, or individuals (including but not limited to internet media, websites, personal spaces, Weibo, WeChat public accounts, print media) must obtain authorization from Ling Shan Hermit before use. No modifications to the articles are allowed (including: author's name, title, main text content, and punctuation marks). We reserve all legal rights.

灵山居士：让我们假装2012是真的

[maciek-jozefowicz]

[26] “Wounded” — Derwent brush, Drawing group (in the Procreate app). I was thinking — we have the advanced technology to create digital art, but we lack the advanced technology to present digital art. Computer monitors, tablets and smartphones won’t do. They lack the necessary significance, momentousness, solemnity; as do modern printing methods, which are excellent for books and periodicals, but are too cheap-looking for art. (An art print is merely a glorified poster.) Digital art is the art of our age, digital age, and here is the list of the three technologies that digital artists need to properly present their art:

1) We need high resolution, thin digital screens. Imagine the screen of an iPad Pro the size of Rembrandt’s “The Night Watch” (11′ 11″ x 14′ 4″). Imagine a screen that is essentially as light and as thin as the thickest canvas and can be produced in any dimensions required; a screen that is powered by light, like a solar-powered calculator. (The solar panel would run along the circumference of the screen and would also serve as the frame for the artwork.)

This screen will not only present the digital art, hung on walls of homes, galleries and museums, but also present the video of how that digital art was created, thus revolutionizing the way we view art. We need Apple to do this. They created two fantastic tools for making digital art — the iPad Pro and the iPencil (it’s not really called that, but it should be) — and now they need to create the tool that will show this art in the most suitable way — on large, thin screens.

Art created digitally ought to be presented digitally, and on equal terms with the art of the past; meaning, digital art shown on these large canvas-like screens should hang alongside the paintings of Van Gogh, Monet, Cézanne, Picasso, Matisse, Kandinsky, etc.

2) We need new type of printing. We need printers that can print in depth — 3-D printers that print in full color. But that would just be transitional technology. We need printers that print with oil paints and can layer those paints the way that oil painters layer their paintings. We need printers that can “print” impasto. This would be an alternative way to high tech screens of presenting digital art. (I prefer the screens. If you want to make oil paintings then use oil paints. Unless you purposely want you digital art to “look” like oil paintings — a kind of trompe l'oeil l’oil.)

3) We need more advanced ebook presentation. I am thinking about my needs here. This isn’t about technology as much as coding. I am going to collect some of my art and publish it in book and in ebook forms. But I want the ebooks to be able to also have embedded videos, of the same size as the page of the artwork. The videos will show how each artwork was created. These ebooks will represent a new kind of art book.

The inclusion of videos inside ebooks will increase the file sizes of the ebooks significantly — imagine a book collecting images of 100 artworks and their corresponding 4K videos, each around 3 to 5 minutes long. Huge file size. Amazon and Apple will need to make the necessary data storage upgrades to make these kind of ebooks happen.

It’s worth it. These types of art books will not only create better educated viewers, they will also create future generations of superior artists.

[bsdndprplplld]

7 III 2023

it's the second week of the semester and I must say that it's easier than I predicted

statistical data analysis is boring but easy, algebra 2 is easy but probably interesting, so is differential geometry

algebraic topology was funny because ⅓ of the group completed the algebraic methods course, so at first we told the professor to skip half of the lecture (we all know the required part of category theory) and then with every new piece of information he would say "ok maybe this will be the first thing today that you don't know", to which we would reply "naaah we've seen this" lmao. but the course overall will be fun and maybe it's even better that the level of difficulty won't be as high as I though, that would leave more time for my other stuff

the tutorial part of number theory was scary, because the professor wanted us to work in pairs. my autistic ass hates working in groups and the noise in the room was unbearable (everyone was talking about the exercises we were given to solve), so I was on the verge of a meltdown after 30 minutes of this despite ANC headphones. next time I will work by myself from the start. maybe without the requirement of communication it won't be as bad. the course itself will be easy, when it comes to the material. I know nothing about number theory, so the novelty will make it more enjoyable. a few people said that they would prefer the tutorial in the standard form, maybe I won't have to worry about surviving it if there are enough people who want to change it

my birthday is tomorrow and as a gift my parents gave me enough money to buy an ipad, I was saving for it since november. for a few days now I've been testing different apps for note taking, pdf readers and other tools useful for studying. I must say, this is a game changer, I absolutely love it

taking notes itself is less comfortable than on an e-ink tablet, which gives very paperlike experience, but it's better than traditional ones. the upside is that I can use different colors and the whole process is less rigid than on an e-ink

two apps that seem the best for now are MarginNote 3 and GoodNotes

the first one is good for studying something from multiple sources. the app allows to open many pdfs, take pieces from them and then arrange them in a mindmap. it's possible to add handwritten notes, typed notes, photos and probably more that I don't know yet. all of this seems to be particularly useful when studying for exams or in other situations when it's necessary to review a huge chunk of material

the second app is for regular handwritten notes. it doesn't have any special advantages other than I just like the interface lol what I like about taking notes on ipad is that I can take photos and insert them directly into the notebook, which I can't do on the e-ink. it's great for lectures and classes because I don't usually write everything down (otherwise I can't listen, too busy with writing) and even if I do, I don't trust myself with it so I take photos anyway. being able to merge the photos with notes reduces chaos

oh god this is going to be a long post! other news from life is that yesterday I had a meeting with my thesis advisor and we finally picked a topic. some time ago he sent me a paper to try and said, very mysteriously, to let him know if it's not too hard before he reveals more details about his idea. the paper is about symmetric bilinear forms on finite abelian groups, pure algebra, and I was supposed to write about algebraic topology, so I tried to search where this topics comes up, but didn't find anything. it turns out that it's used to define some knot invariant, which I would use to write about the classification of singularities of algebraic curves. in the meantime my advisor had another idea, which is an open problem in knot theory. we decided to try the second one, because there is less theory to learn before I could start writing the paper

to summarize what I'm about to do: there is a knot invariant called Jones polynomial, which then inspires a construction of a certain R-module on tangles and the question asks whether that module is free, if so, what is its rank. now I'm reading the book he gave me to learn the basics and I can't wait till I start working on the problem

[sarasa-cat]

On Saturday evening I decided I needed to give myself a very specific sort of vacation/staycation/personal-time and to do so immediately**.

It's a do all the things you need to do in order to recharge and not feel DisTraCTed sort of vacation/staycation so, honestly, some of what I am planning on doing sounds busybusy but another chunk of it will just be planned personal time and yet another chunk will actually be "doing vacationy fun things from the comfort of home-as-home-base."

Yesterday I got myself a 90 minute full body massage with hot stones to mellllllllllllt melt melt my muscles. And then I slipped into brain-off mode for much of the evening with light entertainment. I made the Decision(tm) to finish the novel that leaves me grumbling. I have one more chapter plus a short afterward to go. The second to last chapter had a moment that made me want to dump the book into the fire. I am very hesitant to ever use the phrase Mary Sue for a character for so many reasons that are well discussed (probably somewhere years ago on this blog) but, ffs, sometimes that is the precise phrase needed. Actually, more like Entitled Mary Sue. Anyhow...

Today was a post massage sleep in for as long as needed because that is how I make sure I didn't just toss money down the drain. ;)

And then, long slow hot shower and hairwashing (because my muscles neeeeeded all of that heat), toss on a no-ironing-required sundress, and out for local neighborhood lunch and coffee and a stroll and sitting in the sun just doing nothing. Ahhhhhh.

The importance of sun and doing nothing.

I recently ordered and just received and unpacked a really nice pair of lapdesks that feel handmade (two different sizes, smaller one has built in adjustable stand for using a tablet/ipad/book/notebook/sketchbook). They came from shop in france. Currently using one of them while sitting outside (at home) and getting more sun while drinking more coffee. Lol.

Today is a day of chill out.

For the next couple of weeks (or few weeks), I plan on splitting up my weekdays between:

1. Doing lots of fun things that I just haven't had time to do. This includes everything from sketching animals at the zoo, to seeking out interesting places around me (food/coffee/tea/photography ops), to finally getting back to video games (modding CP77) where I am the one holding the controller, to finally being more social online (lol-- DW i'm so sorry).

2. Listening to lots of audiobooks while continuing/returning to address all of the years of entropy. The great KonMari action. Etc etc. Also, finding all of my summer clothing and organizing it nicely.

3. Learning some new recipes to cook because I need to create a rotating set of meals I like to eat that are HEALTHY.

4. Re-starting some sort of yoga/stretching/exercise routine.

5. Getting a bunch of random/boring/necessary Adulting(tm) things on my to do list (that I keep punting month after month) finally checked off and done or, at least, appointments made and scheduled into my calendar.

6. Getting back into various hobbies that are entirely for me rather than For Professional Reasons.

7. Writing and arting only what I feel like writing and arting. Maybe take some online art workshop just to let my brain turn off and have some fun.

For the rest of today I will mostly be a lazy person because I need a lazy day in the sun.

[omsdoortodoor]

OMS Door to Door Challenge - departure date minus 5 weeks

Ian's fortnight

“Riding a bike is everything to a cyclist. The friendship and camaraderie you have with other cyclists…to a cyclist, it was the be-all and end-all of your life” Tommy Goodwin.

The third weekend in July saw a group of thirteen of us descend on New Alresford in the watercress area of Hampshire for a boys cycling weekend. This, apart from the covid year has turned into an annual event visiting a different town each year. It all started with my Stag weekend in Shrewsbury, eight years ago and we have since visited Cirencester, Marlborough, Salisbury, Ludlow  and now Alresford

I say cycling weekend but you could also call it a pub crawl or wine fest and not all of us cycle!  When we arrived six of us went out on the bikes for a ride of about twelve miles, after about three Andrew, Steve and I stopped at the first pub we came to.  We’d had an awful journey up the A303 and were in desperate need!

On the Saturday we headed off to Bishops Waltham where we had a coffee and cake stop before heading up the Meon Valley to the Ye Olde George Inn at East Meon for lunch. We then returned to Alresford cycling through some lovely countryside passing several watercress beds on the way. That evening we visited the local Italian restaurant before a last glass or two of wine at the hotel. A big thank you to all who attended, and I hope to continue the tradition next year. 

As a footnote, I was stood in the bar at The Swan Inn where we were staying when I heard, “That's Ian!”, only to turn round to be greeted by my nephew James and his partner Amy. I shouldn’t have been too surprised as they do live a stone’s throw away, and it was great to see them.

Jane's fortnight

For those who read my last blog, the answer to the question is:  Yes, I have done my foot exercises every day since my conversation with Sarah.

I now feel like the start of the Door to Door Cycle Challenge is within reach, I can feel it, I can almost touch it.  And with that comes the need to step up the final organisation.  On that front, there are lots of bits and bobs that need to be done.  And to be honest it was beginning to stress me, because I knew there were lots of little bits, but no list, no responsibility and worst of all no SPREADSHEET!

I kind of felt like this:

So last Wednesday, Ian and I reverted to our original Door To Door planning meeting.  And I feel much better organised for doing that, and for having a fresh spreadsheet.  All tasks are on a list, with whose responsibility it is and which week it will be completed in.  So, this week I have:

Had the iPad screen fixed that I (read Tarka) broke when we were away.  I will be using that a lot for uploading video on the challenge.

I have also checked to make sure I know all the details of my personal google account (rather that my old business one), so that I can upload to YouTube and other similar things without any hitch when we are one the road.  Boring by necessary.

Typed out a list with the kilometres per hour converted to miles per hour. (Because you just can’t read the km’s on the dashboard of the motorhome).  Also boring but safe and also probably necessary.

Next week I need to finalise the first aid kit and write an article for our Parish Magazine about the challenge.  I also need to give some thought to creating some themes for blogs and posts when we are on the Door to Door Challenge, as well as finalise the start and finish arrangements for the challenge.

The other “biggy” of course is my physical preparation.  Pilates and strength training continue to go well, and I am comfortable that I am on track (Thank you Sarah Grey).  But since the last post, I have started what I think is the final thing that I can do to prepare myself…Oxygen Therapy.  I know I mentioned it earlier, but the idea is that I get 20 sessions as close together as possible to get my body to the best level it can be.  Then it gets maintained by weekly/fortnightly/monthly sessions depending on what works best for me.  The initial part is a huge commitment of my time, because I am saying goodbye to 3 hours including the travel to Exeter on a near daily basis and sit in a chamber looking like a fighter pilot, but sounding like this, for an hour. 

So, as of today I have had 12 of my 20 sessions.  Am I feeling a difference?  YES.  It hit me yesterday that I felt WELL.  And I realised that I could not remember the last time I had felt like that.  Not for, literally years.  Now, as my friend Carol advised, I will ensure that I don’t get carried away and undo all the good I have done.  So, the focus for the last few weeks is PACE, PACE, PACE.

Respect

I can’t complete this blog without mentioning the truly inspirational Laviai Nielsen, who won a bronze medal as part of the British Quartet in the mixed 4x400 meters.  Apparently, she was diagnosed with MS just two days before she flew to the last Olympics in Tokyo.  Although physically we are totally different, I can imagine what might have been going on for her mentally and emotionally and I completely understand why she refused to accept her diagnosis as she competed at Tokyo.  But on returning from Tokyo, she was forced to adapt her lifestyle and tailor her training to avoid future MS-related flare-ups.  And she has mastered her lifestyle adaptations so well that she has gone on to win a bronze medal.  Total respect to her and to her sister, also an Olympian with MS.

But here is the lesson for me.  Obviously, I am not going to go out and start running – it’s just not my thing.  But whatever physical adversity I face, I think living a good live depends on finding and implementing the right lifestyle adaptations for me.

And right now, I think I am doing well on that score - getting balance – being as well as I can but also having some fun times too.

Announcement

And the final note about fun, is that we are delighted to say that our final fundraiser is definitely going ahead as planned.  For a time we were a bit unsure. So, for anyone who lives close to us, we will be holding a ‘Pop-Inn’ on the 6th September with The Big Chipper in attendance.  If you’re local and need more details, just DM me.

As always, Ian and I are truly humbled by the amount of support we have received both in terms of encouragement and the money we have raised for Overcoming MS.  If you would like to see Ian’s training route or help people with MS to lead a fulfilling life, our links to Strava and Just Giving are here.

Thank you so much

Jane and Ian

[reboxczar]

SLEEP: GET SOME by: a teen

I Love Sleep.

I love sleep. I don’t know why. I just love relaxing in a warm and cozy bed. I feel swaddled up and safe. Do you ever wonder about sleep? Do you question why you sleep? Or how you sleep? Or what happens when you sleep? Because I love sleep so much I had many questions about sleep so I decided to research a few of my questions to find out some answers about sleep. 

Why Is Sleep Important?

There are many reasons why sleep is important. I will talk about 3 reasons. 

First, sleep is “necessary for our brains to function well” (News Current). 

Second, sleep “gives our body and brain a chance to rest and regenerate” (News Current). Regenerate means to regrown. When we sleep we regenerate trillions of cells that “help our body function”. “Important stuff gets saved as memories” (Puddler). 

Third, sleep makes us healthier. A study done in Spain “suggests that people who sleep more are better able to avoid cancer, depressions, weight gain, and other negative health effects” (News Currents: Read to Know). 

What Causes Us to Feel Sleep?

Many things can make you feel sleepy and cause you to fall asleep. For example, going to bed at the same time each night trains our brains and and makes us feel sleepy and fall asleep - usually at around the same time each night. A comfortable bed also makes some people feel sleepy. “Sometimes you sleep longer if you’ve been active” (Kent, 17). I know that if I have a long and tough day at school I come home and feel very sleepy. Staying up very late for many nights in a row can also make us feel very sleepy. This is why it is very important to go to bed on time and get the correct amount of sleep  

Why Do We Have to Go to Sleep Early?

If you do not go to sleep early enough then you will not get enough sleep before it is time to wake up again the next day. If you don’t get enough sleep you will find it hard to think and concentrate. “You will feel very tired and your body will feel heavy” (Kent, 9). The worst thing that can happen when you don’t get enough sleep is that “you are irritable and cranky, even with your friends” (Kent, 9). Sometimes lacking sleep can even make you sick. This is why it is important to go to sleep on time each evening even you want stay up and watch television or play on your computer or iPad. 

Why Do Some People Drool When They Sleep? 

According to an article in New Moon Childrens Magazine, “when we sleep our throat muscles relax causing us to breathe through a very small opening” (36) and also causing us to open our mouths. Because everyone produces saliva in their bodies, when our mouths are open when we sleep some of the saliva (aka spit) can come out of our mouths and get on our pillows and blankets. This is called “drooling”. And this is the reason why some people drool when they are asleep. But not everyone opes their mouths when they sleep. And not everyone drools when they are asleep. 

Why Do We Still Feel Tired When We Don’t Get (Enough) Sleep?

What makes us not get enough sleep? Here are some reasons :

Electricity: When we are around fake lights like computers, iPads, and televisions it resets our internal clocks. Our internal clocks tell us when to go to sleep, when to wake up, and when to eat.

Snoring: When people snore loudly it can disrupt our sleep. Even our own snoring can disrupt our sleep. If we snore it can keep us awake. It can even mean that we are “trying too hard to breathe” (New Moon: A Peep Into Sleep). 

Environment: If there are loud noises, weird smells, or other things in your house or apartment that could disrupt your sleep. 

Bad Habits: The biggest reason we still feel tired even when we are getting sleep is because of bad habits. This means we stay up too late, don’t eat healthy foods, don’t drink enough water (Weber, 14), are not active enough or getting enough exercise, or that we just are not sleeping for long enough hours. 

“Every living animal needs to sleep”. When we get enough sleep it keeps us healthy. Sometimes we feel tired when we are not getting the proper amount of sleep. This is not good because every “body needs rest. Sleep is when a body repairs itself” (Weber, 18). Doctor’s recommend that kids gets between 8-12 hours of sleep each night. If you don’t get enough sleep you become “sleep deprived”. This means you are “denying” yourself sleep.

If you don’t get enough sleep then you will still feel tired. This is why it is important to not only get sleep but to get enough sleep. If you wake up and still feel like you need to take a nap then you are probably not getting enough sleep. 

I recommend that you find "sleep" and you go get some!

[cinnamonfridge]

Would you go back if NaNo asked you?

Honestly? No.

Before they removed Letitia as an admin I would have said yes.

A lot of people who don't believe the lies staff allowed to be told about me and refused to correct have shared a lot of information from the posts by the board with me. Many of those posts make it very clear that staff, Marya in particular, has not been truthful with the board.

First, there's the fact that they referred to Danni as my "domestic partner". That is a damn lie and an insult to both her deceased wife and her current one!

Danni is a very dear friend, and she's literally the closest I will ever get to having a child. Calling her my domestic partner implies a very different type of relationship that neither of us would ever consider.

Oh, and that "data breech" post is actually a bunch of bullshit in other ways too. Staff know exactly what information Danni has access to, how it happened, and why until she made that stupid comment in the chat I literally had no reason to believe she even remembered it.

So what was that "sensitive information" you may ask? Freaking username changes that were logged before Discourse (partially because of my bitching about this actually) implemented the feature that logged username changes in the admin log!

Because I considered that information to be sensitive because it included teens, some of who changed their usernames for safety reasons.

The day Danni saw it she was still in the early days of her recovery from her breakdown at the beginning of 2020 related to the death of her first wife and my own wife just a few months apart. She walked in on a meeting with my attorney about a legal issue I was stuck in because I had to either violate Arkansas's mandatory reporting laws or I had to violate the NaNoWriMo moderation policy to get a key piece of information to contact CPS.

And that's all I'm saying about that one. The other incident that people keep harping about happened in May when, god forbid, when in a hurry to pick her current wife up from work Danni disconnected and took the wrong iPad with her. We had the same model and they had the same wallpapers so the only way you'd know which one is which is based on which Wi-Fi network they were connected to in my home.

Basically she saw a notification of a thread she was watching, reacted to some posts posts, and then saw the wrong avatar in the upper right corner. The minute she saw it and undid the reactions she then turned off the iPad and called me and told me what happened. She literally had no access to any extra functions because my iPad was configured to block access to the moderation tools.

I previously touched on the whole off boarding thing, but to be very clear I was literally told on May 24th, 2023 during a google meet meeting with Grant, Letitia, and Marya that I was to continue moderating when necessary but to leave things for the new mods as much as possible, which I did. The problem is, the new mods who were supposed to be taking my place with the CTT moderation? They literally didn't do jackshit until after the category lockdown.

Which, btw, although none of the staff or mods will have the balls to admit it now, I was 100% against that shit. The minute Letitia told us it was going to happen (it was before my removal) I literally told her it was a bad idea to isolate them! And when they did it anyway, take a wild guess who was assigned to make sure all the known regulars are added to the access group... yeah ME!

Oh, and those bullshit claims that I tried to keep them isolated? I was constantly trying to get them to participate in other parts of the forums and they mostly ignored me.

Oh, and people who love to claim staff didn't know about the moderation issues? Yeah they did. It's the entire freaking reason they had dedicated questions about specifically being willing to moderate CTT and the RP section!

So, now do you see why I'm so bitter?