#(im my own boss and im not even doing commissions im just drawing)

[sucktacular]

i work away all day in the drawing factory and i cant even afford crispy wings

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA for refusing to do any more art commissions for my mom's friends?

Ok so I (19nb) am a digital artist. If I had to honestly rate my skills I would put them somewhere in the "good enough to get a few commissions but not professional level" range and I wanted to do it professionally.

Keyword being wanted but I'll get to that

Now my mother has been showing off my art pieces to her friends (no problem with this) and it got one of my mom's friends to ask her if I could draw make icons for the website of her upcoming business back in late April (basically one big icon for the main page and five smaller ones, so six in total, all fully rendered) and paid 200 dollars for all of it (which thinking back was extremely low for the amount of time and effort that I put into that if I was going by living wage effort and time)

So I did that, got the money, spent it all and was happy.

And now yesterday (july 6th) my mom said that she asked one of her other friends (who is also her boss) if I could draw her a new logo for her side business.

SHE DIDNT EVEN ASK ME IF I WANTED TO DO THAT! SHE JUST TOLD HER FRIEND THAT I WOULD DO IT!

Now I got a big commission (dont know how much money Im getting paid) dropped on me with no warning. And apparently my mom and her friend are coming with even MORE ideas for me to draw. (Mind you that commission would take at least a week to two weeks at the MINIMUM and now they're coming up with more)

But the thing is I dont want to to do digital art professionally anymore. I want it to stay as a hobby, something to do for fun and my own enjoyment. The reason why? A one year digital art course I did last year that burnt me out so unbelievably bad. I couldnt make ANY art for myself for an entire YEAR because I was constantly working on that stupid useless course (and I didnt even get the final drawing done and submitted before the one year deadline was up so that didnt help. And it was the one I was the most proud of too)

I am burned out and I want to make things for ME, things that absolutely cant go on a portfolio (extreme horror art, fan art, NSFW art, etc)

The amount of times in the past months I have talked myself out of drawing something that would make me happy because everything I make should be fit to go on a professional portfolio is extremely high.

I'm obviously gonna do the new commission and whatever else those two tell me to draw (but it better be more than 200 dollars, like at least 350 minimum) but I am so tired of this and I just wished my mom had asked me first before automatically telling her friend yes.

So would I be the asshole if I told her Im not doing any future commissions from her friends and that I want to just do art as a hobby and not as a career?

What are these acronyms?

[meruz]

ive been neglecting my inbox so im answering all the asks rn. sorry...if you’ve been waiting for a response.

yes go ahead!! Also ik it is hard to access my FAQ from the app but btw this is in my FAQ its very comprehensive because I get this type of ask a lot LOL. dw it’s not annoying though its easy to answer and I’m glad ppl like my art enough to use it and also care abt crediting!! its in my faq not because i dont like to answer but more so u guys dont need to ask LOL

thank you!! I dont see much infinity train content ever either. when i was making infinity train fanart everyday i felt like i was on an island LOL...

honestly I feel like cahiers are decent with posca because theyre not really absorbent and posca marks tend to sit on the page as opposed to soaking through anyways. umm i wouldnt like... use it to do a whole posca piece or anything but i use poscas just for pops of color in my sketchbook pretty often and it holds up ok. sometimes u can see the shadow of the color through the paper bc its thin but thats mostly it. i took pics of some sketchbook pgs and how the back of the page looks so you can see for yourself ( cw for bakudeku LOL ) ...theres a lot of like.. normal brush pen ink and india ink that penetrates the paper more like even compared to the black posca

thank you!!!! I love drawing assorted cephalopods... their proportions remind me of drawing digimon characters LOL.

not right now u_u I’m busy.... but you can always email me at isellhotdogs@gmail.com to check abt it! sometimes i will do commissions even if im busy because it sounds cool LOL...

lol thank you!! idk if i ship(?) them either but its interesting to think about!!! theyre funny characters to bonk together and i feel like most fanart ive seen doesnt address how funny their relationship could be if it were more exploratory i guess

yk that scene is kind of a meme now but it like genuinely still makes me emotional. when colette makes lloyd promise not to tell the others at the end it breaks my heart

yeah here you go

I feel like I’ve probably talked about this before in another ask post but i dont really think about style because its one of those things that artists should try to change depending upon intention, what you’re drawing and what you want to communicate etc. what people often recognize as style are quirks that an artist maintains throughout changing their subject and approach.....ANYWAYS. thats all to say my style probably just comes out of normal stuff like looking at other art and thinking “I want to do that” or trying out different mediums and methods and settling with whatever feels the best LOL. It’s always changing & growing! Because I’m always learning new stuff!

Theres a lot! I really like the scene when daisukes lying awake in bed thinking abt how ken’s heartbeat felt. And the scene when they have a sleepover and ken wakes up first and looks over to daisuke sleeping LOL idk subtle stuff you can read very clearly as like burgeoning queer moments.. theyre recognizable from my own queer childhood and i love that in a kids anime. also at the end of the series when theyre fighting the final boss dude and ken grabs daisukes arm to ask him to jogress but hes shivering and daisuke just turns to say “youre shaking....” and in revenge of diaboromon when ken goads daisuke into endurance running by taunting him about soccer LOL (jock romance). but one i rly want to mention is theres this youtube video about how ken and daisuke’s honorifics change over the course of the series and how significant it is when they switch over to first name basis and honestly i think about it a lot THEY HAVE GREAT SCENES!! I love ken and daisuke

wow!! thats rad... the sad truth is its just my name with like a shitton of letters taken out. sometimes i abbreviate it even further as mrz and i think to myself haha ... mister z.

[haissitall]

can i talk about technoblade design situation at length because i have this very weird hill to die on? thanks. im going to be blunt so feel free to hate me afterwards

so technoblade himself said something along the lines that he prefers the fanart of his persona as a pig rather than a human version. now i’ve drawn him as a pig from my day one in the fandom, and i have been saying that i prefer this type of design over any other. let me rant about why before i move on to talk about this situation in particular.

so my issue with the majority of people drawing him as this conventionally attractive anime boy when his skin is a full-on anthropomorphic pig is that it reveals lack of imagination and desire to push boundaries and take risks. it goes both for the technical side of it (people crying out “oh no, will i have to learn how to draw a new thing?!” after technoblade’s remark is so funny to me like. yea... sometimes you have to learn how to draw new things..) and uh, conceptual side, which is more important. you see, it is a sign of inability to imagine characters as anything other than conventionally attractive. like, yes, it doesn’t fit the original design of the skin, it doesn’t fit the personality and the vibe and it makes him look a generic boy #1036... but we get to make him pretty and that’s all that matters. i mean, sure, you can say that i am being very mean and drawing is hard and yadda-yadda, and that the pig design just doesn’t fit the style of the artists, but let me prove that this is a deeper issue. consider fanfiction. in fanfiction you can have the character look anything you want! but when was the last time you’ve read a fic where he’s a pig? i’m sure there are a few of them out there, but they are clearly in a minority, just like the fanart. and maybe even more so! i’ve skimmed through fics where the sci-fi or fantasy setting would totally, one hundred percent justify him having a pig head without having to come up with any explanations for that, but it still was the same old... pink hair. thin. a handsome face. maybe weird ears and fangs, but that makes him more of an elf-vampire than a pig. now... why is that? i’m sure with some fics explanations can be found in the plot as to why in this Particular Fic he is human, but with such overabundance of human techno... we all know why. let me repeat. the inability to imagine characters as anything other than conventionally attractive. even when he is supposedly a half-pig monster with his ears and tusks he is still thin. because, you know, pigs are known for being thin, graceful animals.

with all that said i kinda cringe at how the fandom reacts to things like this. how people on twitter are like (half-jokingly, obviously) but still saying that they have to draw him differently now because he mentioned that he prefers another design... guys. if you like your anime boy techno, stick with it, own it. why do you care so much what he prefers? his content is an inspiration for us, sure, but it’s our art. he’s not our boss. just like me, a random person, rambling about how your design sucks won’t stop you from drawing it, so shouldn’t technoblade’s vague preference. i understand that a lot of the reactions are overblown for comedic purposes, but it's in the same vain as this whole culture of the fandom craving validation from creators and religiously catching every word they say about fandom activities.

(now that we are talking about this can i go off on a tangent about how easy the artist community is to take advantage of? he says “hey guys draw me some cool fanart thanks :)” and people draw these amazing pictures which must’ve taken hours of labour so he can feature them on his stream. now did he like... pay anything for them? does he pay anything to the people whose pictures he uses for thumbnails? the person whose picture he now uses as a stand by screen? or is this “paying in exposure” thing? he granted them his validation and attention, so they should be happy with giving him free content (which they’ve spent hours on making) for his videos off which he profits? now, i don’t really know. maybe he does pay them, and i am wrong and a fool. but if he doesn’t... thumbnails are so important for a youtube video to do good and if he gets to grab them for free because he has an army of dedicated and talented fans to exploit... hmmmmm)

so anyway. i understand how it seems like he is the target audience for fanart if you are posting it on twitter and stuff. and there’s nothing wrong with being excited for his interactions and drawing for his thumbnails and all that, i mean, i’ve tried doing it myself, and might try again. i'm saying that the tendency of the fandom to take everything the creator says as if it’s taken from a scripture with which they have to align their creativity seems awkward to me. like i said, he’s not your boss. unless he is commissioning you to draw a thing (which he probably isn’t).

[fucker-anon]

more helen hcs

k i can’t stop having ideas about them so here ya go. i will get some relations with puppeteer and cody done soon, but this has been in my mind for like hours. 

@creepy-bi-day idk who else to tag

Will be non verbal on a bad day, usually after a panic attack

They don’t get panic attacks that often but when they first got to the mansion there were a looooot

Mostly cause  of dysphoria: they had “masc clothing” (read straight cis ppl gave them these and they couldn’t say no :( )  and that sucked 

Jane, nina and pup helped out and lent lots of different types of clothes

Jane gave the very fem stuff

Nina gave the comfy “fuck gender roles” stuff

And pup gave the “there is no gender, only hoodie’ stuff

Helen eventually returned them (or rather tried) and learn how to sew from Pup so they could make their own clothes

Knows japanese and sign language along with spanish

Oh yea is also friends with jane and nina

Paints jane’s nail while they talk shit

Nina taught him how to make kandi bracelets 

She gave them one with the genderfluid flag and they still wear it every day

Also will wear pop on acrylic nails on fem days

Also also they’re 5’10, buttttt is usually wearing a platform boots or heels so they stand at least 6’2 

Got a pair of vintage doc martens from cody and usually wears them on his “i hate capitalism days”

Says how they hate capitalism a lot

They will fight jeff on this

Kinda hates Jeff

Like jeff is very annoy but he’s also just misinformed 

He was able to get Helen’s pronouns right even tho there was a lot of mistakes and still an occasional slip up but he’s not doing it maliciously 

On the other hand, he told helen that helen doesnt count as wasian (white-asian) cause they pass as white

Yeaaa helen just avoids them

Has a tank top with the words “beep beep depressed bitch here”

Can do eyeliner like a boss

Coffee addict, but will settle for a monster if needed

Those monster can gas masks (look them if u don't know), helens made those and gave some to cody 

Loves mulan like that's their favourite disney movie

But helen kinda hates disney cause of their shit

Does commissions sometimes

No they wont draw porn or hentai (sorry ben)

Pup is their ride or die bitch

Pup usually forces them to sleep

Helen usually forces pup not to do stupid things with cody

No one really hates helen

Helen kinda vibes with most ppl, and wont hate anyone as long as they don't do it first

Won’t smoke

The aesthetic is cool but really hates the feeling of vaping/smoking

Also they like their lungs

Not sure if this is nsfw buttt

Will wear lingerie ment for the male body (look it up)

And looks hot as fUCK

Mostly lace stuff

Also tried making lace

Doesn’t do it a lot since its work and also they have other things to do

has a movie night cody and pup

they all just snuggle and fall asleep like that

its very cute

pup taught them how to braid hair and likes to practice on nina or pup

also helped nina dye her hair

yea i have some more hcs of puppet, friendships with cody, some nsfw ones but im tired. I dont usually type this much lol

anyway hope you enjoyed!

[valdotpng]

Question. Do you have any specific resources you used to learn art and painting, etc?? Your style and skill is so so good and I'd love to see how you Do It

oh, gosh. i dont think i could ever answer this question in a truly satisfying manner, but i’ll try my best to do it!

learning art in general has just been a road of trial and error for me! looots of trial and error. im a ‘self-taught’ artist & i’ve been drawing since i was a toddler, so i’ve accumulated certain skills just bc i’ve been doing it for so dang long

that being said, i’ll share some links in a moment! but first, some advice from me to you, anon. just.. go wild. try new things and dont set too many rules for yourself, yknow what i mean? nowadays i tend to use lots of weird textured brushes + work on only one layer (which i hear is quite bad for when youre working on commissions, but i paint for myself so i dont gotta worry about correcting things all the time), and as a person struggling w/ a pretty severe case of OCD, i find it so liberating to be Forced to not give a shit through that painting method. just have fun! allow yourself to be messy, to make mistakes, and remember that you can just paint over them later. some of your ‘mistakes’ might even end up being the things that make your drawing look more interesting/organic, in the end! the ‘happy little accidents’ mindset just makes the whole process much more enjoyable imo :]

ALSO, an important thing to me was finding the right brushes for painting. just dl a shit ton of the ones that look fun to you (or make your own if your drawing program allows it!) and make an effort to try out each and every one of them at least once!! the brushes certainly arent that important-- you could paint a masterpiece with a simple square brush-- but more often than not i find my style being subtly influenced by the brushes that i use at the moment. its a thing worth considering!

another thing i should note is that, while im mostly happy with my art nowadays, i AM still learning, and i dont think i’ll ever stop learning, so, like, check in in a couple of years for some better tips i guess asuhdfuashfusdf

anyways, here are some resources that are/were very helpful to me:

when i need to browse for general art tips/tutorials/cheat sheets/etc, i usually go here: [link 1], [link 2], [link 3], [link 4], [link 5], 

now, here are some specific posts ive collected over the years that really made me rethink how i approach composition and the like in my, uh, more ‘serious’ paintings: [link 1], [link 2], [link 3], [link 4], [link 5]

this [link] video series is a Godsend, its got some very good advice AND its got nice editing too, my hellbrain was actually able to focus and learn smth from a video tutorial for once

heres a nice post about practice and improvement that you should deffo read before using all of these resources

i also find it very helpful to just.. look at art that inspires you/ that you find appealing Right before painting? that way all of the techniques you might pick up while staring at other peoples art will stay fresh in your mind, so you’ll be more likely to try em out. (setting a drawing that you really like as a phone/desktop bg works well too since youll inevitably stare at it quite often)

i also really like seeing other peoples process, so i tend to watch speedpaints/analyse process gifs & photosets a lot! seeing how messy and abstract most drawings are in the early stages of painting is really comforting/reassuring to me :] heres a couple for u: [link 1], [link 2], [link 3], [link 4], [link 5], [link 6], [link 7], [link 8], and finally, [link 9] and [link 10] (3, 9 and 10 are the ones that inspire me the most atm)

as a bonus, heres one from me as well! (usually i only post these on my patreon, but ik times are tough rn and any of your spare money could (and should) go to a far better cause) im putting it under a read more bc it contains blood and self-impalement, so beware! (bloodborne bosses, man) i might make a speedpaint in the future, too, so watch out for that!

[mikiruma-art]

12 9 19

11 months later and im finally drawing terraria again whaaat???? anyway here’s my lc headcanons/oc. he’s an ex-hero who the moon lord tempted into living in deep space to watch the celestial pillars. more info/lore/transcriptions under the cut

🌙 commissions 🌙 $10 fullbodies! 🌙

transcription

tired bags

6′7″

lip & chest scars that do not glow

“scars” that glow when using magic

physical form “corrupted” from prolonged exposure to celestial dusts

damaged mask

anime shadow when wearing mask (whatever that is)

celestial sigil to communicate with moon lord

long sleeves

the chanel boots tm

lore

when he appeared, he was just another hero- bright eyed and optimistic, and with the guidance of the npcs, ready to cleanse the world of evil. at first he despised being violent, and would often be trying to “reason” with the bosses- instead, those conversations and the eventual turn to a weapon slowly began to disillusion him. it was during the bloodbath to the top where he learned that other lands existed beyond his own, and how he wasn’t the only hero- causal information to anyone under the moon lord, but to a hero being cheered on by overenthusiastic townspeople, a soul crusher. mainly used to scare him into giving up or giving in, he decided killing the lord would instead ease the hero and allow him to avoid the knowledge he accidentally stumbled upon. instead, when the golem had fallen, the moon lord came to him and bargained with him- die and put his shattered vision of heroism to rest, or work for him with unlimited knowledge, power and life.

he chose the latter, mainly hoping to erase others expectations for him, but it quickly turned into his one regret. surrounded for nearly a century by endless, empty space & slowly suffocating on the surrounding pillar dusts. while humans weren’t affected at all, since he was given immortality, it slowly took over him, warping his appearance and enhancing his already fantastical abilities. to top it off, he was given devoted followers who boosted him even further- excessive for a guy who killed your entire fleet, but who else was going to watch these rainbow asbestos towers?

although it was the life he chose, he slowly realized this wasn’t at all what he once wanted, and desperately wanted to escape once again. he remembered when he was told other worlds existed... so with every ounce of his strength and ability, he warped himself to a random one. the noise reached the moon lord though, and he was furious.. leading to the creation of more cultists in his image, but obedient to the moon lord without question.

in the world he landed in, he is accidentally discovered by that hero sometime pre-hardmode, who isn’t aware of the cultists existence and as excited as he once was for a good ol’ fashioned hero’s quest. but that’s an adventure for another day... (yes i wanna write fanfiction about this/them)

[tumblunni]

Ok this is gonna sound weird but can you help me figure out how to self care

I've been practising trying to get over my social anxiety using Pokemon Go, cos like its an easy sociallu un-embarassing distraction when im nervous in crowds. I mean i used to just pretend to look at my phone before, and before that i owned a watch entirely to pretend to look at it, lol! Plus pokemon go has a map built in so it helps me navigate new places with minimal panic about getting lost. Anxiety + bad geographical sense = even more anxiety!

So anyway I've been trying to force myself to go on walks through The Anxiety Land more often, and gameifying it even more seems to help? Giving myself 'points' for doing various stuff to fight this anxiety. One for every day I make the same walk around this lil neighbourhood circuit, and a bonus point for each km i walk beyond the bare minimum. Pokego is useful for this too cos my shiny magikarp gets a candy precisely every kilometre! And then i think maybe a bonus ten points if i keep up a streak of going on a walk every single day for a week, month, etc? I dunno!

I also dunno really what sort of incentive to give myself for getting all these points. What am i even gonna get if i reach a milestone? I dont really know how to 'treat yo self',theres not much that i can do to make a day special or anything. And most universally agreed upon 'special days' are stuff thatd be more of another challenge to me- vacationing in a new place or going to cinema or bowling or getting hair styled. Why is scary socialness everywhere!!! And then just buying myself something isnt really gonna work cos i mean.. Nothing stopping me from buying whatever i want whenever i can afford it. Thats just what adulthood is. So i'd have to stop giving myself treats in order to give myseld treats, and thats not exactly an incentive! Plus i already have a problem with denying myseld those kinds of day to day treats, and defining stuff as "treats" when it really shouldnt be, cos thats what being poor does to you even when you get more money to live on. I mean i barely ever buy new clothes! I still only have one pair of shoes and theyre starting to leak at the bottom. And i went without a bed for the first few years i lived here cos 'i can make do on the floor and save some money'. And i ended up getting such a crick in my neck that it hurt sooooo much more after i started sleeping on tje new and good bed and correcting my posture. And man now i can actually stand up straight again!! I was guzma'd!! Actually man that would make sense that team skull isnt just slouchy cos theyre trying to be cool, but also cos theyre all homeless kids with a history of floor sleepin. No wonder theres that one grunt you find flopped over three beds at once in the ultimate snooze! Oh man imagine guzma takin the new recruits mattress shopping and everyone is like YO THIS IS DOPE LOOK AT THE MEMORY FOAM

Anyway i went offtopic lol

So can you guys help me figure out what kind of 'gift' i can give myself if i meet my anti anxiety exercise goals?

Ehhhh i dunno maybe i'll just commission someone to draw one of my dumb ocs. But i'm always too nervous to commission anyone so yeah thatd just be anotjer anxiety boss battle.. *sigh*

Anywya probably i should give myself bonus points whenever i encounter Extra Anxiouses during my walk. Probably. I dunno. Should i give myseld points for that time i helped the homeless.lady and didnt embarass myself? Or should i just start counting from today cos thats when i got the idea? Ehhhh

[thedumbdeputy]

I posted 1,642 times in 2021

121 posts created (7%)

1521 posts reblogged (93%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 12.6 posts.

I added 582 tags in 2021

#far cry 5 - 136 posts

#fc5 - 109 posts

#jacob seed - 79 posts

#john seed - 58 posts

#fc5 fandom - 53 posts

#joseph seed - 36 posts

#far cry deputy - 34 posts

#the cowboy corvus - 28 posts

#fc5 ocs - 26 posts

#rdr2 - 23 posts

Longest Tag: 106 characters

#a part of me is still like i feel bad and i wanna help youre beautiful and gorgeous and i wanna be friends

My Top Posts in 2021

#5

Introduction

This is my little introduction about me, my page and my interest!

Check me out

Name: I go by X or Rae

Gender: Genderfluid

Pronouns: Prefer They/Them, also go by She/Her

Sexuality: Heterosexual, yknow men

Fandoms: Far Cry 5, Far Cry New Dawn, Red Dead 2, Green Day, Furry(?)

Interest: Art, Music, Vulture Culture, Crow Core, Gardening, Cooking and Baking, Nature, Witch stuff (specifically Druidry)

Chaotic Lawful

Lonely but uh

I like to do art, I don't have any commissions because I like to keep my art lighthearted and fun but maybe one day I will start them. If you are interested in any of my art I am always open to request and will draw almost anything within my fandoms

If you're interested in any of my characters and their stories and family I have a huge family tree connecting my Red Dead oc's all the way to my Fc5 ones so go check that out

https://sta.sh/22bm29cavuyq

33 notes • Posted 2021-04-16 14:52:02 GMT

#4

My mom just saw the pictures of Jacob seed i have as my background and she was like "whos that" and i said a video game character and she said "hes not real right" and i said no and she said "cause hes nice looking"

I know mom, i know

34 notes • Posted 2021-04-29 19:32:06 GMT

#3

How you're supposed to beat jacobs boss fight: "Go up the mountain and fight him up there"

How I beat jacobs boss fight: *shot him with a roclet launcher behind a rock*

50 notes • Posted 2021-03-15 14:29:08 GMT

#2

My Headcannons for Jacob and his S/O

Im bored and was reading so heres some of my personal HC's, you dont have to agree. Just sharing

Actually enjoys cuddling, like he acts like he doesnt but when theyre alone hes all over them

Not a fan of PDA but if no one is around he will hold their hand or if they're in the woods he may hold them very close or pick them up

If he see's someone getting a little too friendly he will become very posessive of them and make it known they are his and his is theirs

Likes to mark them and make it known to everyone

Good at comforting them when something is wrong but doesnt know howto accept when they comfort him

They still try anyways though and it eventually gets through, just takes longer

They're his stress relief, after a long day he just wants to be with them cause they feel like the only good thing in his life

Hes always worried about them and cares for them alot

If theyre a very soft S/O he always wants to protect them and keep them safe even if he didnt like that when they first met

If theyre a strong S/O he is always very proud when they take things into their own hands but still wants to keep them safe cause he's soft boi

He can be very rough and tough or gentle and loving depending on his or his S/O's mood

Very good with his hands in more ways than one

Enjoys going out into the woods and exploring with them, normally brings the judges along as well

Doesn't always know how to express his love but tries too

Doesn't know how to accept the love his given cause hes never experienced it but slowly learns how to

Generally very confident and, of course, strong but gets nervous the first time him and his S/O get to bed

Worried what they'll think of his scars they can't see

Maybe I'll start writing again but if any of y'all sre interested ill write headcannons for anyone requested

91 notes • Posted 2021-04-16 00:02:53 GMT

#1

That moment when you keep thinking about men who are emotionally damaged and just a little too old for you

110 notes • Posted 2021-09-08 01:04:54 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

[myapogee]

therapy is expensive but tumblr read mores are free. (not that i want anyone to therapy me, i just need to vent)

at dinner i was like very obviously Not Good so my mom asked me about it and i sorta hummed and hahhed until saying how i just really hate my job and wanna quit and later this month i’m gonna talk to my boss about that to see if we cant find a way to make me Hate My Job Less

and my sister came in at some point, missing part of the convo, and was like “well if you’re going to quit, you need to start looking for work before then” and my mom’s all like, “yeah put your resume on linked in or indeed, etc”

and like. i told them i wasnt gonna quit for awhile, i’ll just let my boss know i’m unhappy and have a few months to work thru it and try to get happier and if that fails THEN i will quit.

but the reason i said that is because i dont wanna tell them my real back up plan which is “actually i dont wanna live at all, so if i quit or get fired i’ll probably just kill myself” bc that is not good etiquette to mention at the dinner table

idk i feel like. like when i was younger i was at a point where i was like “i want to die, but so does everyone else, so i guess i’ll keep living because they somehow do”. and then i learned i was wrong so i went into “i want to want to live, so i’m gonna make the most of what i have, now that i know wanting to die isn’t normal”. 

and now im just. like. fucking exhausted from trying that hard. i want to die, and i recognize that a certain amount of other people do too, and many of those other people either Actually Just Die or they get help or something i dont fucking know how the other ones get thru that tbh bc if i did i wouldnt be where i am. 

what if i just. spent my week off from work putting all my things into boxes. like drawings that i dont want my family to see into the recycling or a box labeled “please burn this if you respected me at all”. put some women’s clothes into a box labeled “never been worn: donate to good will”. etc etc. and then just. i dont fucking know man. i googled some stuff about overdosing on pills and google was like “here’s the suicide prevention hotline number”. thanks google, ya mean well. 

everyday just kinda sucks. and then if one thing goes a little wrong i spend the remainder wanting to die. and there are good moments. there are funny youtube videos. there are good tv shows. there are games of cards against humanity with my family and of D&D type games with online friends. there’s stuff that brings me joy. but its like. guess its fucking selfish of me to say but it’s... not enough? 

the biggest thing is almost def my job. and if i enjoyed it more, things would probably be better. so i should quit and find a new one. thats just. easier said than done.i wish my job could go back to being what it used to be. but things changed like a year ago or maybe two years now idfk time is an illusion. and its just. been shit ever since. 

i’ve started learning portuguese more seriously. been doing the few minutes a day on a couple different apps. i think. my ideal existence. would be moving out to my grandmother’s home in portugal, living alone now that they’ve moved on. it’s lovely there year round, so i get my exercise walking to the lil convenience store, getting some things to eat and bake with, having bread delivered by the bread truck to my home every day. the house is paid for, so all i have are utilities and food. which i pay for thru commissions online. maybe some sore of artwork with the local people. there’s land, and anyone who wants it can do with it what they will but all i ask is if they grow any food i get a little now and then. i get to be a hermit, but i’ll help out my neighbors now and then, and i know they’ll help me too. it’s a community, but with its share of isolation, and without the obligations i feel here. i grow old, having lived my own life on my own time. eventually, i’m found dead there, by a curious neighbor who didn’t care quite enough to find me before it was too late. but it wasn’t suicide. just age and the problems that come with it. but i’ve lived with minimal capitalism, with few to no family or friends or pets. there’s solace, silence, and peace. i have lived life, and can leave it without worry.

... that wont happen though. as long as my parents are alive, i am bound to them, and if i did manage to leave this house and go anywhere at all never mind portugal i dont think i would be free of the worry over them. familial obligation, holidays, etc. i can’t live without worry while i’m avoiding them and feeling guilty about it. but i can’t live as myself without worry while i’m still shackled to them too. if i stay alive, i’ll be in limbo for years as they grow older and i need to help take care of them or find people/places that can take care of them for me but that i need to pay for. etc etc. there’s so much. responsibility in this world. that i never asked for. god i just wish i was never born, really. it’s amazing to me now that anyone can have kids. like raise orphans or whatever sure. but to actually birth a child into this existence, knowing how terrible the world is? why would you choose to put someone through that? why force them to experience this, it’s dreadful. 

this. okay that latest paragraph, i wanna be clear, i 100% am not ever gonna kill someone. like i’m not gonna hurt my parents so i can live free or whatever, and i’m not saying taking someone out of this life is better than bringing them into it, etc. i’m suicidal sure but i’m not a fucking asshole.

anyways.

pls don’t... fucking reply to this in any way or even acknowledge it. i know it all already okay? the pandemic has brought people down. capitalism brings people down. the fucking winter and its holidays bring people down. i know. 

its just. a painful cycle to be in. and i really think. there’s only one way to break it. and we’re all gonna die eventually so it’s just. how long do i have to feel like shit. before i’ve earned freedom from feeling anything at all. why push back the inevitable. when it would benefit me so much to fucking embrace it.

[didsomeonesayventus]

idk i try to keep things a-okay on here but i just really need to vent on like.

everything.

god fucking dammit don’t you just love working twice as hard as your superior only to make like, what, a few dollars an hour less? yeah, checking salary data online my assistant manager, the one that DID NOT impress the area manager or whatever the hell the boss of my boss is, is making like roughly 4$ more than me every hour to do half as good a job in.. anything. Did I fucking mention her boss saw me working with her and someone else and mentioned to the actual manager he was only impressed with me??? god she can’t even be bothered to refill coins or fucking count the safe properly but will spend all her time in the back and make everyone else take on a workload she should be taking on herself because we’re already short staffed here and still losing people but no she’s getting fucking paid more than me- who drives myself to panic attacks to try keep up with making sure things are actually moving along and that people get their food -to basically sit on her ass and become dead weight that ends with me leaving later than I should. Fuck she tells me I work too hard, move too fast, but bitch I bet it’s because you can’t get on my damn level you mid-life crisis piece of shit. You’re like. at least 40. You’ve been a teacher. Why can’t you do better than Panda Express Assistant Manager that you didn’t even actually earn from what I hear you just schmoozed to the manager at your last location and didn’t get actual training to be a manager of any sort.

I can’t figure out groceries, I don’t know how to cook nor do I have motivation to so whatever I do get ends up spoiling, so I’m wasting so much money of my already small paycheck  (30-36 hours a week on 10.50$ an hour, pay every other week with roughly 15% of that taken for taxes)  eating out and even then not giving myself any sort of proper nutrition. I don’t exercise enough either or keep up with showers and teeth brushing and laundry like a person should be so I’m fucking withering away in full out shrug emoji and getting fat and unhealthy and letting everything decay okay maybe im not that bad but I really don’t care.

I can’t afford to go back to college this semester because I’ve been paying rent to my parents (and that ridiculous 450$ a month is due to go up because they could be selling our house for more than they got it for but can’t because me and my older brother are still living here so COMPENSATION I GUESS) and paying for my car (repairs AND gas for a clunker old enough to drive itself and bare minimum insurance) and paying for food and maybe SOMETHING to live for and make me feel okay for just a moment that’s like. stupid cheap generally less than 10$ in terms of price and generally having trouble limiting myself to stricter budgeting so I can actually save up and GOD DAMN don’t get me started on how the college down the street is so fucking packed that I can’t really take any courses unless I signed up like, back in may and I still don’t even know WHY I’m going to college besides “has to” and I can’t bother to fill out FAFSA and like fuck anyone would give me a scholarship since I’m so firmly average and so many people need it more than me.

I still have to make at least 10 job applications or I’m getting 100$ added to my rent because I guess if I hate my job so much why aren’t I getting another when I have no college degree no marketable skills and have been stuck in fast food for two years and therefore have no experience in anything desireable and I don’t know myself enough to sell myself  gee I wonder why I don’t have a better job dad :)))))) I can’t even really say im bright and cheery because that is fading and fading fast because of this damn job where I have no support and constant stress.

I have so much shit in my life i need to fix up. I’m turning 21 this year, I’m getting all these messages about how I should be moved out and on my own and going to college for something I’m so incredibly passionate about and living that wonderful youth life and maybe backpack across the country or whatever.

I have no passions. Art is a distraction and a hobby and no one likes it enough to buy it for dirt cheap anyways (that lunafreya piece came out to about 21$ in my commission pricing and took me like. probably 3 or 4 hours???? which translates to 7$/hour at best and 5.25$/hour at worst???????????) I can’t even write on my rp blog, the last little bastion of any of my love for writing and I don’t fucking care enough about grammar and all that to bother with going for an english major and I don’t have any stories long enough to merit writing and publishing and what’s finished is fucking stupid and not going to get a second glance.

but guess what I keep falling back on doing all these stupid drawings and losing myself in characters and hiding all this pain behind them like that makes it okay but no everyone comes out so fucking OOC to me because I impose so much of my hurt and sadness onto them heck YMX isn’t even fucking YMX anymore I’ve latched onto him so hard to give myself some way of pitying myself without actually pitying myself. you guys can go ahead and say it I’ve fucking ruined him he’s not even an actual character anymore I’ve stripped away literally anything that merits him as a younger Xehanort. You can also say I’ve completely lost sight of who Ventus is as a character and just keep writing fucking 2006-era Roxas.

god i want help. i want help so bad but i don’t feel like i actually need it i just need to get over myself and get moving but i can’t i can barely get myself out of bed in the morning sometimes cuz I just wanna keep sleeping and fuck work and fuck doing anything give me a twelve fucking year coma please and let me wake up talented and pretty and loved and actually worth giving a damn about and if not strangle me on those stupid christmas lights I got last year in a silly attempt to be festive and later to try and give some sort of aesthetic to my kleptomaniac’s bedroom at least I’ll give my life a nice poetic send-out. 

I can’t even get help anyways my parents just likely spent a fortune on my sister in hospital visits and therapy appointments because she revealed she was suicidal earlier this year (which fucking wrecked me I knew she was a mess but not that bad) and she’s so much better now and I’m so happy she is and her dog is kinda stupid and needs more walks but Matilda at least makes her happy but we can’t go through that song and dance again with me. We cant have two mental health crises in this family in one year and I most definitely cant ask for help i’ll look like an attention-seeking brat. that’s probably what I am I’m the second eldest out of five and a girl who didn’t have a mom figure I could approach for most of my life and don’t know how to approach my dad or step mother. no one will see i need help just that im looking for attention. fuck man that’s not even getting into how I’ve been in therapy before and in hindsight it feels fucking wasted whoo boy can’t wait to waste money again.

im tired.

I’m just kinda here. 

I’m not even sure if I could call it surviving.

[artofimarketing]

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[artofimarketing]

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