#(might fuck around and start posting again lmfao)

[kakujis]

ALL I WANTED WAS YOU.

and when the world treats you way too fairly... well, it's a shame i'm a dream.

synopsis: a break up is nothing, not when the two of you are sworn to be together. satoru thinks you just need a little reminder.

warnings: dark content. ageless blogs + minors DNI. afab!fem reader, sub!reader, yandere!satoru, switching povs at times, possessive behavior, dubcon, recording, dacryphilia, cheating (not on gojo), somno, praise, manipulation, gaslighting, mind break(?), begging, fingering, oral f!receiving, choking, pussy slapping, creampie, masochism (reader), tiny bit of man handling and hair pulling. he is mean AND whiny. he literally sniffs u at one point lol. you wear makeup. implied multiple rounds.

ft + wc: gojo x reader, around 5.2k

@enchantedforest-network

an: hi, so like months ago (as all my wips start) i had this idea for toxic!ex bf gojo which delved into yan gojo LOL. he is so hard to write... like wtf... so anyway this was been rotting away since september!! i think i did lose my mind just a little bit writing this ngl LMFAO. idk if i really leaned that heavily into the yan, but we are going to truck along and post this anyways. thanks for waitin'. also, thank you to dooby and sky for both proofreading and giving me some ideas to push through, @sxgars for the banner, and my brain/fingers for not giving up.

gojo satoru still remembers the day you left, eyes puffy and face streaked with makeup as you stormed out of your shared apartment. in gojo’s mind, it was fine, you’d be back. no matter how big of a fight, you always came back. 

but it’s been months now of you ignoring his calls and texts, avoiding him whenever you see him. you’ve even blocked him on some of your social media platforms since he can only access the ones you haven’t used in years. most people have told him to let it go, move on, it’s not worth it. but satoru’s heart knows what it wants and at the core of it all, it wants: you. 

he thinks you might need a little coaxing, something to help you realize you love him again. once he finds out your address, his plan is set. he spruces himself up, spritzing on the cologne of his that was your favorite, even getting suguru to stop by the flower shop near his workplace to grab you a bouquet. yes, gojo’s got it all figured out. he’ll swing by, shower you in love like he used to, and you’ll realize you missed him just as bad. 

imagine his dismay when you won’t even open the door, your voice muffled from the other side. you tell him to leave, it’s over, you don’t want to see him anymore. he begs you to open it, just give him one more chance, but you sigh, crack the door open a smidge, and tell him. 

“satoru, leave. my boyfriend’s here.” 

he thinks that word is disgusting if he’s not the one it’s referring to. maybe you’re lying, maybe it’s another ruse to get him to piss off, but when you peek behind your shoulder, giving a little smile, the kind you used to give gojo, soft, sweet, loving; he realizes you’re completely honest. 

the lump in his throat is sticky, clinging onto the walls of his neck like gum. meanwhile, his heart feels like it’s beating in his ears, a not-so-friendly reminder of his fragility. 

you turn back, eyeing the flowers, an assortment of your favorite kinds - satoru, satoru, i like these, see? - and in a moment of soft-heartedness, step out. you can’t deny the pull of your heartstrings, satoru’s endearing aura plucking at them in a solemn tune, but you’re different now. you don’t need satoru anymore.  

“look,” you start, adjusting his tie and fixing the crinkling cellophane. “maybe you could give this to someone else? they’re so pretty, someone out there would be lucky to have them. and, you’re satoru, handsome, funny, sweet. you’ll find someone else in no time!” 

but he just stares, eyes boring into you as if it feels like the wind’s been taken out of him as your words fall on deafened ears. fuck the flowers, you’re so pretty, you’re the one people are lucky to have. in a sense, he’s bewildered because there’s no way you’ve actually moved on… right? 

you sigh again, a hint of exasperation tinging your voice, “gojo, i think… this should be the last time we see each other.” you step back, hand on the door handle. to you, this is a step in the right direction. 

for him, he finds that the way you don’t use his first name has him wanting to rip his hair out from the root. 

“wait, please, i love you.” he states, finally finding his voice, feeling like his time with you is running out. his lip quivers while his heart continues to shatter with each passing second. “i’d do anything for you, you know that right?”

ah. same old satoru, the man who swore he’d take the moon from the sky if you wanted. anyone looking in would swear you were lucky, but you remember things being a little… suffocating. it was too much, too overwhelming eventually. 

you bite your lip, strengthening your hold on the handle, ready to leave. you can’t meet his gaze, knowing that if you do you might falter. “but i don’t. i don’t love you anymore.” - it’s a lie, you know it is from the little bud inside your chest blooming, breaking out past the walls of your heart, but you just… can’t. 

he shakes his head, taking a step forward. “you don’t mean that.” 

“i do, satoru!” you flinch at your own voice, taking a deep breath to calm down. “please, just leave.” you tell him one more time before you retreat back inside and slam the door. 

he waits for a few minutes, thinking that maybe he’s on one of those prank shows. you’re going to open the door, tell him it was a joke, and to come inside. except you don’t, and he’s stuck under the low flickering haze of your complex’s lights. 

gojo’s a bit stunned on the walk back home, foggy eyesight mixed with thoughts flying a mile a minute equates to a tall stumbling man with no care for those around him. he can’t even count how many people he’s bumped into, let alone the amount of sorrys he’s muttered, the now crumpled bouquet still firmly held in his hand, indicated by the whites of his knuckles. 

when he gets home, he sinks into the floor, his head wrapped around his arms before he flings the bouquet across the room. “fuck!” a picture frame of the two of you clatters to the floor, glass breaking in tiny, jagged pieces. he kept it after all, in hopes that you’d come back eventually, but now it’s clear you’re not. he doesn’t even care that he’s knocked something off a table, he’s so fucking hurt.

hurt that you’ve moved on so easily, hurt that you’re out there calling someone else ‘baby’. he can’t fucking stand it, wanting to rip out the baseboards of his home or set it all on fire. from the first day he met you, gojo’s always firmly believed you were made for him. that thought was always reaffirmed with every ‘i love you,’ that dripped from your lips into his ear every morning and evening. 

maybe it’s not the best timing, but he remembers other things as well. like each time he’s been deep inside you and your pretty mouth would hang open, eyes blown and glassy, as you gasped out his name like it was the only thing you knew how to say. or even the times you took initiative yourself, crawling under the covers to wake him up, kitten licks and sloppy kisses to his cockhead. his own eyes met yours, with a lidded call of reverence, and that was all he needed to know. 

there’s no reason to wallow, he thinks, a small reignition of flame in his gut brewing. each passing memory that trickles by is another reminder that you did love him. no, that’s not right. you do love him.

okay, he thinks, i can still fix this. you just need a little reminding is all. you love him and you’re just a little confused. maybe his mind is breaking, but he reminds himself that it’s better his mind than his heart. 

”yeah,” he mumbles, dusting himself as he gets up off the floor. “she still loves me.” 

to be honest, breaking and entering wasn’t really his thing, he never saw the appeal in it before. but, this isn't really a break in, he’s just visiting his girl. he will say though, you did make it a little too easy by keeping your key under the mat. no, you kept it easy because you knew he was coming, simple as that. 

he goes in tentatively at first, wanting to see what you’ve done with the place, nodding in approval as he scans over the rooms. you’ve done a good job, just like you did before, but he does frown when not a single one of his photos is up. you must have forgotten or maybe you’re trying to save your new boy toy some heartbreak. silently, he walks over to your bedroom door, peeking in.

his mouth quips up into a smile when he sees you. you’re pretty as you sleep, just like he remembers. you’ve always been a heavy sleeper, mouth slightly agape as your drool dribbled down into the pillow. 

“hey beautiful…” he murmurs when he reaches you, bending down to brush away a few strands of loose hair from your face. 

a little “mm,” leaves your lips as your face twists at his touch. he leans in til he’s just a hair’s breadth away, before he ghosts his lips over yours slightly. still the same old you, lips just as soft as he remembers and what little self restraint he had continues to chip away. 

the hot breath of exhales continue to mix as satoru spends his time taking in your scent. he tries his best not to whine when you pull away slightly, once again leaning further in to stay as close to you as possible. if he could get high off of it, he probably could, but the ache in his belly grows. he needs you. 

“wait a minute…” he mumbles when you try to once again turn away. “why are you always trying to run away from me?” it’s a silly question, rhetorical since you’re still locked in the deep throes of sleep. but your body seems to answer in place of your voice when your legs rub against the sheets and your chest once again heaves itself over, leaving him behind. 

he’s sad that you’ve taken away his favorite aromatic, but with your shuffling, you’ve moved the blankets down letting him get a peek of your bare skin. you’re always a sight to behold and his fingers run themselves lightly over your body before he’s pulling the blanket off you completely. 

you’ve always been a heavy sleeper, affectionately dubbed his “sleepy wife,” even though you were never married. it’s been a while since his hands burned with such intensity, running up and down your thigh and leg, even tracing along the curvature of your ass. 

his knee dips into the bed as he finally looms over you, pushing you gently onto your back, before he’s prying your thighs open with one hand. he thinks he should take his time, savor it, satoru, but you’re just so… inviting. he runs a finger across the waistband of your shorts, experimentally tugging lightly. he flickers his eyes between his hands and your face, seeking for any signs of waking as he slowly starts to expose more and more skin. 

hints and glimpses of skin are all he needs to get riled up, further than he already is, as he takes the leap and pulls your bottoms off completely. 

“oh fuck princess,” he groans when he sees your pretty pussy for the first time in months. he’s nearly salivating like a dog as he remembers just how good you taste, bending down to get perched between your thighs. 

the first kitten lick against your clit chips away at his already waning self control. the next one that delved between your folds nearly completely breaks it. but he’s missed tasting you on his buds, missed consuming what was his. take your time, satoru. his mind ticks again, and he settles back to prepare a nice lob of spit before he’s letting it fall onto your pussy. 

you shiver unconsciously at the sensation and he takes a pause, not wanting you to wake just yet. you’d probably flip out on him and he can’t have you getting mad at him just yet. 

he waits until you settle again before he’s diving back in, driving his tongue between your folds as he laps up your essence. to say he was starving was an understatement, for these past months he’s felt like he’s been dying. 

it’s intoxicating as your juices and his saliva mix to dribble down his chin, dripping onto your bed sheets below. he eats you out like it's his first real meal in months, tongue lapping as much of your essence as he can while his fingers dig deep into the plush skin of your thighs.

he shudders as he grinds his hips into your mattress, the tip of his nose running against your clit sending little shockwaves up your unconscious body. you taste just as good as he remembers, losing himself in the sweet slick of your cunt.

your eyelids finally flutter open, readjusting to the darkened light of your room, but you can't miss that familiar snowy peak of hair settled in between your thighs.

"satoru?" you breathe, meeting his lidded eyes as your hands come down to immediately push back against his forehead, but instead your fingers curl up into his locks. 

“hi,” he chimes, smiling against your pussy as he readjusts, sitting up to shoot you a wicked smile. “hi baby, good mornin’.” the tone ofhis voice is sweet, nearly identical to what it was like when you were together.

he replaces his tongue with his fingers, whining a little when he feels you clench down onto them as he starts to scissor you open. 

“what the fuck are you doing here?” you hiss, but your body jerks when he rubs against a particularly sweet spot of yours. 

“i missed you. i can’t visit?” he pouts, pressing a kiss against your clit before his tongue is laving over it again as if to make a point. “did you miss me?” he asks when your eyes roll back and you tug just a bit harder on his hair. 

“no.” you grit, but you can’t stop the way your hips buck up into him. 

“you’ve always been a bad liar, angel.” he shrugs, before he’s latching onto your cunt again.

he’s eaten you out more times than either of you can count, he knows exactly how to get you there. he knows it’s just a little bit more until you fall apart. he’s back on with even more fervor, alternating between sucking on your clit to sloppily and quickly flicking his tongue against it. 

“oh fuck,” you mewl, throwing your head back and thrashing as you come undone on his fingers, pussy fluttering and toes curling. 

“see, i knew you missed me.” he grins, as he brings his fingers up to suck at the slick around them. you’re still panting as you try to close your legs, but satoru’s fast, bringing his hands back down to tear them open. “ah ah ah,” he tuts, “we’re not done til i say so, got it?”  

“sa- gojo, you need to leave.” you plead, head heavy and stomach churning at what’s just happened. you fucked up but it’s fine, you can fix this still. 

“why?” he asks, “your boyfriend gonna come home?” fine, he’ll play your little game for now. he’ll antagonize you for a bit, before he’s disgustingly sweet again, just like the good ole days. but there’s also the anger brewing within him, why the fuck won’t you just come home? 

he smirks when you pause, already knowing the answer, “don’t tell me you two aren’t living together?” 

you shake your head, “that’s none of your business, gojo.” in hindsight, after satoru, you wanted to take things slowly the next time. moving in after only a month of dating probably wasn’t the best idea. 

“why not? i’ve got a right to know what you’re up to.” he pouts as he says it, hoping your irritation will ease up. 

you scoff, narrowing your eyes, “since when?” but your attitude is nothing more than a facade, always has been. “we’re not even together anymore-“ 

“since i decided, you’re mine.” he snaps, cutting you off and leaning down into you. “i decided that years ago by the way, and i’m not gonna let some fucking random mess with us.” 

you squeak as you hear him rustle with his pants, freeing his aching cock and you hate the way your stomach flip flops when you see it. it’s been so long since you’ve been fucked let alone touched. gojo was the last person to have you writhing underneath him and if you told him, he’d have even more of a need to keep it that way. 

your tough facade is breaking, you’re falling back into your hazy, mindless, and needy ways. you love satoru, even if the relationship was toxic, even if he gave you so little breathing room. but not yet, you won’t give in just yet. 

you try to scramble back further before you’re able to twist out of his hold for just a moment. but he grabs your hair by the root, twisting and pulling you back close to him and you yelp, clawing at his hand.

“baby, you’re really testing my patience.” he hisses into your ear, before he’s shoving you back down on the bed. “god, you know i hate being mean to you. just be good for once, yeah?” 

“gojo, leave.” you try one more time, but the hands that push up against him are so weak that he can tell your body’s betraying you. not only that, but your thighs shake at the pain in your scalp and you wish he would do it again. 

“i don’t think you want me to.” he states and you hate that he’s right. you don’t want him to leave, you want him to slide into you, filling you up. “or am i wrong?” he asks, looming over you, running his pretty cockhead through your folds. “go ahead, tell me to stop.” 

you bite your lip in an effort to not gasp out a pathetic moan, squeezing your eyes shut. each run against your clit has your legs widening, almost like you’re inviting him to come in. 

“knew it,” he quips, before he’s prodding at your entrance. your eyes fly open then, breathing heavily through your nose, but you don’t try to back off letting him glide in, inch by inch. “it’s cause you love me.” 

“i don’t,” you exhale as you watch his dick disappear within you, stretching you further than his fingers did. you’re nearly breathless when he finally bottoms out, fists balling into your sheets. 

“yes, you do,” he breathes, his own breathing jagged and rushed, almost like it’s being squeezed out of him. “you always have and always will.”

gojo satoru always fucks with your psyche, one of the many reasons you decided to leave him. it wasn’t obvious, not at first and neither was it nefarious. it was silly little item mix ups, funny conversations that seemed to follow satoru’s lead, until it was a loss of freedom, like a nightingale in a cage. 

huh? no, you’re meeting them next week… yeah, you told me last night. 

but that’s not- 

it is. check your phone. 

oh, i guess it… is? 

c’mon, would i lie to you princess? now you can hang out with me all day. 

and then suddenly it was all too clear when you did get that girl’s trip out, when your friends stared at you like you were fucking insane. it wasn’t normal at all that you couldn’t do a single thing without him. your friends helped you fit the pieces together and that was enough. you were going. 

leaving that day was easy, satoru hated seeing you upset and was more than willing to give you space when needed. it always went one way: you cool off, he swoops in and dresses up his words extra nicely to make you stay. but you didn’t this time. 

it was easier to leave all your things there as well instead of trying to leave in the middle of night. you thought you could do it, away from him you’d figure things out. 

but there must have been a part of you that still wanted him to chase after you, a divergent, rogue piece that strayed too far from the board. is that why you didn’t leave the city? still a part within satoru’s web of connected streets, just waiting until you were ensnared again. 

his eyes are still as pretty, his face almost too handsome, and voice just as alluring as before. you guess that’s what this is, a predator just waiting to stick his fangs into your neck.

“you’re insane,” you gasp out, holding onto your tiniest bit of strength. 

“aw, just for you.” he smiles, before he’s rolling his hips into yours, grinding in just the way you like, just as you remember. 

with each stutter of his hips, your walls twitch around his length and body jolts in waves of pleasure. soft gasps and moans tumble off your lips and satoru buries his face into your neck, nipping little marks into your skin, almost as if he’s etching one word into it: mine. 

it hits him almost instantly, this sick feeling in the pit of his stomach when he remembers that stupid little nuisance. he uses his hands to push up, still ramming into you as he takes a look at your face contorted in pleasure, as you peek up at him. 

“gojo?” you mumble, trying to take into account that look in his eye, but your head is bubbly with the pleasure he’s giving you. 

even with your walls clenching down around him with each roll of his hips, his anger seeps into him like water to a sponge as he tries to block out the idea that someone else was in what was his. that they probably saw this face that you’re making and got to hear your pretty little moans. 

“where’s your fucking phone?” he hisses, snatching it off the nightstand when he finds it, illuminated by the notifications of text messages from your “boyfriend.”

you whimper, trying to grab it, but satoru holds your hands together by the wrist, strategically keeping them against your chest so you can’t move up. 

“gojo, don’t!” you plead, snapping out of your trance for a moment, but the grip on your wrist tightens and you yelp. followed next is a glare, his gaze striking you right to the core. your words die off and he goes back to looking at your phone. it’s easy to unlock, you never changed the pass code. 

his eyes scan the texts quickly and frankly, it’s fucking disgusting to read this guy call you pet names that only satoru can say. he continues to scroll, trying his best to not dig his nails deep into your skin as he takes note of every heart emoji, flirtatious interaction, and pet name from your end. 

he keeps his breathing deep and even to keep himself from blowing his lid and he has half a mind to block his number to make sure you can’t speak to him again. but suddenly he’s got a better idea, getting back at him seemed so easy. 

you look so cute underneath him, pretty pussy enveloping his cock just like it was made to do, why not show it off? especially to someone that pissed him off. 

“hey baby, can you smile for me?” he says, voice sugary sweet as he opens your camera app, but you shake your head, trying to sink further into the pillow. you’re wary of the sudden personality change, especially when he finally releases your hands. 

he pouts, “c’mon now, you’re so pretty when you smile… please?” he sighs when you continue to refuse, but continues on, angling the camera til he’s satisfied with the image. 

“god, you’re so fucking gorgeous.” he says as he zooms onto your flushed face, hands coming up to hide it, before paneling back to record down your body. he stops when he reaches where both your hips are flush together, pussy sucking in his cock right to the brim. “fuck, would you look at that? i don’t even know your name man, but how fuckin’ pretty is this?” 

you gasp when you realize what he’s doing, but before you can say anything, you feel a hand come down onto your sensitive pussy. you yelp out but his hand comes down again and you're mortified when it sounds more like a moan. “bet you didn’t know she liked that,” he goads, “she also likes this.” he says, wrapping a hand around your jugular and giving a squeeze. 

your eyes roll back as the air escapes you, muddying your sight in little black dots. your hands fall to pull at his wrist, a moot effort considering the strength difference, and he laughs. a condescending flit of noise dripping in ego. “scratch that, she fucking loves that. hey, in my defense, i’m a little rusty, it’s been a while.” 

gojo has always been one of two things, needy and arrogant. but the worst was always when the two came together, usually in his worst fits of jealousy. he’s never recorded you before, always too eager to remember to set anything up before he’s pouncing on you.

but this satoru feels different, he feels scarier, nearly dangerous, although you shake off that fear til it’s nothing more than a fleeting thought. you liked this - no he was right, you loved this. before you broke up you were always begging satoru, just a little harder, just a little meaner, please.

with another heavy squeeze as the oxygen is once again cut off from you, you feel the walls around your heart finally crumbling completely, almost like a switch is flipped on. you can’t run from nor deny the heady need that was gojo satoru, the man that knew you in and out. you flutter your lashes at him, like you always did when you wanted to tell him something. he loosens his grip on your neck, just enough so that you can speak, “you wanna say somethin’, baby?” 

“u-use me,” you mumble, voice no louder than a whisper as your eyes start to leak that familiar pretty liquid that drives him insane. you’ve missed him, missed this - whatever the fuck it was, some messed up amalgamation dressed up under the guise of love. 

“hm?” he goads, a sick smile plastered on his face because you’re finally acting how you should. “a little louder for me, princess. i can’t hear you.” 

“use me!” you sob, trying to shift your hips to get some sort of stimulation, “please, satoru, please.” 

the use of his first name has him feeling like an actual god as he switches the camera back onto him. “you heard her.” he says with a wicked grin, before ending the video and pressing send. he tosses your phone to the side, “now where were we?” 

you whine when he shifts, one elbow propping him up as his hand once again finds it’s place against your neck. your own hand resumes it’s place as well, but instead of pulling this time you press, lashes heavy with tears as you wordlessly beg satoru to claim what’s his again. 

he’s so close to you now, his snowy hair tickles your forehead and his breath mixes with yours as he finally starts to move. you choke out a sob as he ever so slowly hits all the right places and you wonder how long you actually managed to make this far. 

“this is what you wanted isn’t it, baby?” he coos, being careful to not choke you for too long, even though you almost wish he’d fuck you passed out. “just needed a little reminder that i’m all you need right?” 

you nod, hiccuping with each thrust that knocks any air you have left out of your lungs. he’s right, just the two of you is all either of you need. you think the world is melting away as satoru presses kisses against your spit ridden lips, his own groans mixing in with yours as your tongues mesh together in sloppy, messy runs. 

“and now you’re gonna cum on my cock, aren’t you?” he picks up the pace, slamming in harder, rougher, like he’s proving a point. but he’s almost always right, with each kiss of his mushroom tip against your sweet spot pulsing pleasure throughout your body. “show me how much you love me.” 

“‘m close, toru,” you sniffle, nails digging into his arm as you blink away more tears, gasping up into his mouth. “‘m so close, please.” 

“i know.” he states, pressing his forehead against yours, sticky and sweat covered, as he gazes into your glassy, hazy eyes. “come on, cum for me princess. show me who you belong to.” 

there’s something so euphoric about satoru’s words, claiming every last bit of you, that you fall apart almost instantly. your orgasm hits you hard, rippling through you as your eyes and head both roll back, your pussy clenching down on his thick cock. 

“f-fuck! cumming, toru, i’m-“ you squeal, tears running down your face freely but satoru swallows up your moans, his lips once again sealing over yours, since those belong to him too. 

that’s enough for him, a firm affirmation that you love him, and he loses control of his once precise thrusts. he pistons into you, heavy balls slapping against your skin and pounding hard as if to leave marks all up your velvet walls. you milk out his own orgasm, walls fluttering and he detaches from your lips to growl out, “you’re all fucking mine, got it?” 

you chant out “yes,” as many times you can, still riding out your own orgasm as his cum paints your walls in white, til he finally slows back down to a stuttering close. he pants as he runs his hand up to rub his thumb over your tear-ridden cheek. 

“i love you.” he mumbles and you blink up at him sleepily meeting his pretty lidded blue eyes. it’s a stark contrast to the satoru just moments ago, pounding into you like his life depended on it. 

“love you too, toru.” you whisper, running a hand over his. your head and body feel heavy, yet your mind is still floating above the clouds. he’s probably oversensitive but you can’t care, knowing that your neck is prettier now that his fingerprints are littered on it. “toru… again.” 

he laughs when he feels you start to grind your hips, sticky slick and cum dripping from your hole. he feels like he’s on cloud nine hearing you beg for him after all this time. 

“please, please, toru,” you whine, craning your neck to brush sloppy, wet kisses across his lips and jawline. “i love you, so please.” 

“course, angel,” he mumbles in between kisses, “just gimme a few minutes and i’ll give you everything you want.” 

[amhrosina]

Afterglow (Matt Murdock x Reader)

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a/n: another taylor swift song fic lmfao i just cannot help myself, this one is so angsty i almost felt bad for Matt just writing it (someone pls give that man a hug, he NEEDS one) also i feel so bad about not posting that i didnt even send this one to my beta reader i just posted it and hoped for the best lmfao

Summary: Matt and Reader have an argument that feels like it might be relationship-ending after Matt's hectic lifestyle as Daredevil catches up with him.

warnings: ANGST BRO SO MUCH ANGST, matty really just deserves the world, angry matt at the beginning, soft matt and foggy convo, matt doesn't know how to accept love, super soft matt at the end, some religious imagery i guess, happy ending

-

I blew things out of proportion, now you're blue

Put you in jail for something you didn’t do

I pinned your hands behind your back, oh

Thought I had reason to attack, but no

Fighting with a true love is boxing with no gloves

Chemistry 'til it blows up, 'til there’s no us

Why'd I have to break what I love so much?

It's on your face, and I'm to blame, I need to say

The door slammed behind Matt in a fitful rage, and he was so pissed off, so intense in his anger that he wanted to turn around and slam it again, just to lash out a second time. It was so unlike him to be this way, so unlike him to allow the festering wound that was his soul show itself so plainly, but it had been a long night, long year, long life and he was fucking tired.

And you. You. You. You. You’d been caught in the crossfire. 

“Fuck.” Matt breathed, already regretting the argument that he’d started simply because he hadn’t been able to reel the Devil back in after a long night. The tight leash he held on the part of him that he hated, the part of him that you’d never seen because he’d hidden it so deep inside himself every night, was a ghost in his hands. The line between Matthew the person and Daredevil the vigilante had been blurring for months, but tonight was the first time he’d let it slip through the careful facade he’d been constructing around himself. He was a shattered window, ready to break at the slightest bit of pressure. 

The cold sliced into Matt’s skin as he stepped through the doorway at the front of his building, a sobering chill of wind that triggered the memory of your eyes welling with tears. He’d been relentless in his anger, and what for? Because he had a bad night? Because he couldn’t save everyone, and somehow that was your fault? 

Asshole is the word you’re looking for, Matthew.

Matt groaned and pulled his phone out of his pocket, dialing Foggy’s number before he could talk himself out of it.

“It’s three in the morning, Matt.” Foggy said by way of greeting, voice still heavy with sleep. “You’re not somewhere dying are you?”

“Only metaphorically.” Matt replied, shuffling his feet. He lowered himself to sit on the stairs beneath him, huffing as his body settled against the concrete. The metal of the railing dug into his temple as he rested his head against it, an uncomfortable reminder that the only person to blame for this was himself.

“You okay?” Foggy’s tone had shifted from a sleepy annoyance to somewhat concerned. 

Matt closed his eyes. He didn’t deserve the love he received from his friends.

“I’m-” He started, but cut himself off when he realized he had no idea what he was going to say. Was he okay? No, he didn’t think so. 

“You’re kinda freaking me out here, man.”

“I fucked up, Foggy.” He deflated as he admitted it.

“With her?” Foggy pressed.

“With her. With everything.” Matt shrugged, blinking away the tears burning the back of his eyes. Your sudden return to his thoughts felt like whiplash, and he couldn’t catch his breath. “She deserves better than me.”

“Matt,” Foggy chided, and Matt could tell he was shaking his head, “Don’t say that. She loves you.” 

“Maybe not anymore.” Matt knew how ridiculous and juvenile he sounded, but the Matthew-Murdock-party-of-one pity party was in full effect, and he was leaning into the sad corner of his being so aggressively he couldn’t stop himself from saying it.

“She loves you.” Foggy repeated. “I don’t think anything could change that. What happened?”

“I had a bad night and yelled at her. It was stupid and I feel like an ass-”

“An asshole.” Foggy finished, and Matt couldn’t stop the chuckle that followed this observation. “Listen, did you tell her any of this?”

“Not yet.” The longer Matt sat, the more he hated himself for leaving. The words he had shouted echoed in his mind. “She should just leave. I’m never going to be able to give her what she deserves.”

“What about what you deserve, Matt?” Foggy asked, heated in the defense of his very best friend, “You deserve to be loved, too.”

Matt sat with Foggy’s statement for a second, letting the love wash over him for the briefest moment. Is this what it’s like for the kind of people who can easily accept the love of others? His body felt warm and fuzzy, an unfamiliar but comforting sensation that had him rubbing the heel of his hand across his chest.

“I should go apologize and hope to God she’ll take me back.” Matt sighed.

“She will, Matt.” Foggy assured him. “She will.”

Matt returned the phone to his pocket and turned, heading back into the place that held his entire aching heart.

It's so excruciating to see you low

Just wanna lift you up and not let you go

This ultraviolet morning light below

Tells me this love is worth the fight, oh

I lived like an island, punished you with silence

Went off like sirens, just crying

Why'd I have to break what I love so much?

It’s on your face, don't walk away, I need to say

Hey, it's all me, in my head

I'm the one who burned us down

But it's not what I meant

Sorry that I hurt you

When Matt reentered the apartment, it had only been twenty minutes since he’d stormed out, but it had felt like hours. You were in the same place that he’d left you - curled up in a sitting position on the sofa - except now your cheeks were coated with salty tears that permeated the air around you. Matt tasted them on his tongue the second he opened the door, a twinge of pain shooting through his chest as he realized just how bad the situation was. You were so deep in thought, cycling through the words Matt had spat at you, that you hadn’t noticed his arrival.

“Petal?” Matt called softly, alerting you to his presence in the room. You startled, turning to look in his direction. The silence before you responded was deafening and anxiety inducing, something Matt had never handled well. He wrung his hands together and took a step closer to you. Finally, you spoke.

“You came back.”

Not a question, but not really a statement either. A simple observation that left Matt stumbling over his words. 

“I uh…never really left. I was just downstairs.” He scratched the back of his neck. “On the steps out front. I didn’t go far.”

“I thought you weren’t coming back.”

Matt’s lip wobbled as he inhaled sharply and asked, “Do you want me to go?”

He wasn’t sure he wanted to know the answer to that question. He listened to your answer anyway. He would listen to any words you had to offer, even if they were words that might kill him.

“You said some terrible things, Matt.” You sniffled, sighing heavily as another wave of tears coated your cheeks. “You said ‘If you can’t handle this, I don’t think we should be together anymore.’ And the funny thing is, I don’t even know what I’m supposed to be handling.”

“Petal, I-” Matt began, shaking his head.

“No, Matt.” Your voice had suddenly become very firm and very loud, all at once. Matt flinched. “I’m not finished.” You adjusted your body, leaning your head back against the sofa before continuing. “I don’t know who you are anymore. My Matty would never keep things from me or disappear for days at a time or yell at me. The man I fell in love with is missing, and I don’t know what to do to get him back.”

The hold Matt had on his tears was obliterated as you admitted your feelings to him. Warm tears fell down his face, every droplet an admission of guilt. You were right, of course. Matt hadn’t felt like himself in months, and instead of trying to get a grip on himself, he had been leaning into the suit every night, forcing his mind to focus on other things. He always took on the brunt of the pain in any situation - he’d been doing this his entire life - but he had not realized how much of that pain was being transferred to you every time he forgot himself.

“Baby, I’m- I can’t even say how sorry I am.” Matt sank to his knees in front of you, pleading. “You’re right about everything, and I’m sorry. I’m sorry I can’t be good enough for you or come home to you after work like a normal boyfriend would and I’m sorry for the things I said. I never wanted to hurt you the way I did. I will never, ever, deserve your love.” He swallowed a sob as he admitted what he thought was the truest thing he’d ever said out loud. “Foggy told me I deserve love but I’ve thought and thought about it and I can’t imagine a world where your love will ever feel like anything but a gift to me.”

You sighed again, sniffling as you lifted your hand to cradle Matt’s wet cheek.

“I know I’m fucking it up. I’m sorry I can’t be more. This is all I have to offer, and I know it’s selfish to ask you to keep loving me but I can’t be without you. You’re all I have.”

“I don’t understand, Matty.” You shook your head, furrowing your brows.

“You’re the only thing that brings me home. And I don’t mean physically. You’re the only reason I can find my way back to myself. You remind me of the love the world is capable of. Not even Foggy can do that for me the way that you do. Can’t you see that you’re it for me? Without you, I am just a man walking hand in hand with the Devil. There is no point without you.”

“Matty.” You sighed, caressing his cheekbones as tears cascaded down his face. 

Matt wasn’t sure what he wanted you to say. That he did deserve love, or maybe that you weren’t going to leave him after tonight was over, or maybe anything besides ‘I don’t love you anymore’. 

“Don’t leave me.” He begged, barely above a whisper, so tired of the war raging in his mind. If there was anything he was capable of doing tonight, it was pleading with you for this. Beyond that, he was useless. “Don’t leave.”

“Will you lay with me?” You asked, and Matt nearly collapsed into your hold. It was not what he was expecting, but he would take it. The inevitable self-hatred and doubt about this moment echoed in the back of his mind, but he was ignoring it for once. All he wanted to do was lay with you, so that’s exactly what he did.

Tell me that you're still mine

Tell me that we'll be just fine

Even when I lose my mind

I need to say

Tell me that it's not my fault

Tell me that I'm all you want

Even when I break your heart

I need to say

I don't wanna do, I don't wanna do this to you (Ooh)

I don't wanna lose, I don't wanna lose this with you (Ooh)

I need to say, hey, it's all me, just don't go

Meet me in the afterglow

Matt was on the verge of tears again, lying next to you in the bed that you had shared with each other for so many nights. He was so afraid of losing this, losing you. He wasn’t entirely sure he would survive if you asked him to leave after this. He wasn’t entirely sure that mindset was healthy, either, but that didn’t stop him from contemplating it. He was here, and you were here, and if he was destined to live in this doubt forever, then at least he would die next to you.

Your tears had long dried up, but the ache deep inside you was palpable and overwhelming and he didn’t know what to do. The hand you had led him here with, the one that you still held, the only thing connecting your body to his was his safety blanket. This was what people called a safe space, he thought. For the first time in a long time, Matt began to silently pray.

He prayed for you, and he prayed for himself, and mostly, he prayed for love. He prayed that the night would last forever, so that he could lay next to you for the remainder of his life. He prayed for forgiveness, and begged for yours. He prayed for the strength it would take if you didn’t grant it to him. Because if you asked him to leave, he would. It would hurt and possibly - no, definitely - kill him, but he’d do it, because you deserved that, at least. The possibilities of the night were endless, and that was the scariest thing to Matt. Anything could happen.

“What are you thinking about?” You asked, lightly squeezing his hand.

“I’m praying.” He murmured, squeezing your hand back.

“About what?”

“About you.” 

“Oh, Matty.” 

The smile on your face, the steady thump of your elevated heart rate, felt like a win. Comfortable silence overtook the room, and you were so still for so long that anyone else might’ve thought you had fallen asleep, but Matt knew better. You were thinking, contemplating every word that had been shouted, pleaded, and begged tonight. All the while, Matt prepared himself for the worst.

“The sun’s coming up.” You murmured.

“Yeah?” It was all he could muster. Everything hurt, and he never wanted this moment to end.

“Yeah.” You swept your fingertips over his cheeks, following the path of the sun as it draped itself across both of your bodies. 

Matt swallowed, opened his mouth to ask the dreaded question, and then closed it and swallowed again. The gentle caress of your fingers felt like a brand in his skin. Finally, in a thick voice he asked for the second time in a matter of hours, “Do you want me to go?”

“Oh, Matty.” You whispered, tears welling in your eyes, and Matt’s heart sank into the ground below him. He thought he could do this, but he couldn’t. He was just supposed to leave what you had built with him? After everything, he was just supposed to count his losses and move on? No fucking way. His breathing had picked up, and he was so focused on his pounding heart that he almost missed the rest of your sentence. “I never wanted you to go. I just wanted you to understand how lonely I’ve been without you. I’m upset with you, but I’ll always love you, and I’ll never be the one asking you to leave.”

Matt stopped breathing for a moment, soaking in the warm relief as it crashed through him. He didn’t have to go, and you loved him. You loved him. You loved him.

“Are you sure?” He forced himself to ask, even though it was the last thing he wanted to do.

You let out a small giggle and pressed your lips to his forehead before responding. “Of course I’m sure, Matty. But it has to change, okay? We can’t do this to each other again.”

Matt could hardly believe the words coming out of your mouth. He would do anything to keep you here, holding him, keeping him safe, loving him. Anything.

“I promise.” He murmured, grabbing at your face to pull it closer to his. “I love you.”

He pressed a million kisses into your face until you let out the melodic laugh that he felt he could get drunk on. He would do anything to hear that sound again, to be the one causing that sound. Anything.

-

Tag List:

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[blacksapphhicmaddonna]

CHAPTER ONE - WHAT I HAVE TO DO.

a/n: hey y'all! so, I tried to post this in response to the anon who asked for a snippet but I saved it as a draft and Tumblr ate it😭 SO THIS IS DEDICATED TO YOU, ANON, WHOEVER YOU ARE!! sorry babes!💔💖💖💖💖

its been a minute since I've written anything fully, this was fun!!! as always, please ignore any grammar/syntax/spelling. I proof read it but you feel me. I'm super excited to be writing something so long and multi chaptered and definitely out of my comfort zone! am I an action girly now? LMFAO but anyway, I'm super open to any feedback and 👀 as always, if you wanna see sum, say sum.

anyway, I love my science gays and I will stan shuriri forever. this is pretty much all angst at this point❤️‍🩹, but I truly hope you enjoy LMFAOOO. lmk how you feel.💗 (and yes, I love a good flashback real bad and ima do it every time if I can. not too much on me LMFAO)

✮ taglist: @mybonafidefeelings@zeezeecave@gr00vyminibus@lppriceisright@darkangelchronicles@princessmel-1995@xenaizogie@nanii2x, and tagging a few folks that enjoyed the sneak peak and a few shuriri/shuri/riri folks who might! @karimwillia @inmyheadimobsessed@mal-urameshi@somethingcleaverandwhitty@imjusthere2readbruv@imagineandwrite there's more but my computer glitching so we gonna get this show on the road! lmk if you'd like to join the taglist or check the link in my tagged post! love y'all, muah

✮ word count: 11,193

✮ panther divider: @firefly-graphics

✮ some of the xhosa translations are from @iinkonde! here's where you can find some of their amazing resources: 1 2 3

Shuri paced the room that seemed to be growing smaller by the millisecond around her, searching for something - anything - inside of the brain most people considered the smartest in the universe to offer the scientist in front of her. She found nothing but the desperation she had been pushing down since the moment they met.

A desperation that mirrored the effects of the herb she had reproduced, also made from the desperation to save something that she felt was slipping through her fingers at the time. Just like the herb had found its way through her body when she first took it, this feeling spread from her throat as she choked when their eyes met as she pushed herself into the dorm room she was once again standing in. Down to her chest, pulling heart strings she didn’t know she had. Plucking them in a rhythm that felt intrinsic, ancestral, almost painful in the way that they made everything feel superimposed. She resisted, but she felt her toes and she felt her finger tips and she felt the curls framing her face dance above her eyes ever so gently. It spread through every atom that comprised the panther and she could barely breathe. She felt everything and she felt nothing, like she was sinking in an ocean of clouds. She could barely look at the woman who was staring back at her with a look of confusion, and an equal desperation that she couldn't explain.

Shuri still had nothing to offer in terms of speech. She paced at a speed that had only just registered as super fucking fast, clearly adding to the concern building in Riri's eyes.

"Shuri-" Riri started, but couldn't even try to finish as her voice had triggered the awaiting and building eruption in Shuri that it always did. Riri, if she did anything to Shuri, she made her feel things she wasn't used to feeling.

"Anything you want, just name it. It's yours. I'll make it happen. I'll build it myself. Just please don't do this. Please." Shuri froze in her place, finding herself begging for something she couldn't explain. She knew she was almost yelling at the other woman, which she would never do but she couldn't find the part of her that could compose herself. She was thankful for the kimoyo beads she had scattered in the room when she entered, enabling a silencing mode and cutting through anything that the government had tapped in Riri's room.

Riri froze too, only moving to fumble with her fingers nervously. She didn't have anything to offer the panther, the queen standing in front of her. She didn't have anything to comfort her friend. The woman she loved more than she could explain. More than almost anything. 

"I don't... I don't want anything from you, Shuri... We both knew this day was coming. You had to have thought about it. I thought you were.. I don’t know... It almost felt like-"

"Please, Ri. Please. Just find something and I'll do it. I'll make it myself if I have to. Please just find something else."

"I don't want... I don't understand, Shuri. We only talked about this like twice, I didn't even think you cared that much or even had time to care about it... or me, really. Just... lets just sit down for a second." Riri tried to redirect, trying to give herself time to figure out what was going on. She felt her mind trying to run back through memories and conversations the two had shared in the past year and some change, but it was few and far between that they ever really had time to talk about their lives in depth lately. At first, they talked a lot after they had finally reconnected. They had even spent a few nights together. But lately, Shuri had been working a lot and it seemed like their connection was running dry. Riri had shared her plans a few months ago and hadn't really heard much back from the woman standing in front of her looking like she was fighting a battle she wasn't sure she'd win. Riri had committed herself to this, to showing up and doing what she felt she needed to do to make up for all the ruin she had caused - or at least what she thinks she caused. And now Shuri was trying to offer her a chance out of it. She didn't know what to do or what to think. That's something she felt often with the panther, she figured out. She had zoned out for only a split second before Shuri was grabbing her wrists and looking in her eyes.

"Riri, I'm begging you." Shuri stared into the Iron Heart's eyes, searching for something she knew she was missing. Something she needed the way she needed air, she felt. Riri searched back, trying to decipher something Shuri wasn't ready to let her see.

"Shuri, you know I feel responsible... But, I just.. I don't understand what's going on. What's wrong? Please just talk to me. It's okay." Riri tried to pull them closer, tried to grab the Panther's hand but her grip was too tight around her wrists. Shuri relaxed it, she hadn't intentionally been holding on so tight but she wasn't ready to let go. She's never been ready to let go of who she loves. She saw that same resolute look in Riri's eyes that was always there when she was sure about something. It broke something in Shuri that she knew she couldn't mend on her own. One final try, she told herself.

"I will give you anything under the sun. Please just don't go to them. Don’t go to him. I- I know you're trying to help and change things for the better, and you will. But not like this. Not until it's safe. He will find you, Riri. He will do anything to get to you and to get back at me. You know this and you still choose to go? You don’t have to make this easy for him. We can figure this out a different way. Please. I will give you access to all the technology Wakanda has to offer, just please find something else to focus on, to take place of this. Please."

Riri tried to pull her closer again but the panther moved back, sending a shiver of rejection up Riri's spine.

"I don't want anything from you, Shuri... I just want you. I- I mean I just want you to-"

Shuri felt her body getting hot and somehow freezing at the same time. Riri just wanted her? But she also wanted to go on this suicide mission, which is what it was regardless of what Riri thought of it. She fought back the defensiveness she felt crawling up her throat like it always did when she was hurt. She didn't want to lash out on Riri, she only wanted to protect her. She only wanted her to be safe, alive. She only wanted her. But it was to no avail. She felt the ferocious beast pull itself through her. She scorned herself as her words burned their way through her skin, landing on Riri's.

"You just want whatever you want. You just want to fight whatever moral war you have going on because you're the one who survived! You would give up your life for what? For who? Not for my mother! Not for me!"

Riri hadn't noticed the tears stinging down her cheeks until she saw the ones pouring out of Shuri's. It was something she had never seen before. She had seen Shuri lash out, though. She knew this was just the first wall of defense the panther had when she felt hurt, afraid, abandoned. She couldn't take this personally, though she had to fight back the sting of the words as they came at her. She reached out to try and touch the woman in front of her.

"Shuri, please. Let's just ta-"

"What?! Sit and talk? For what? For you to tell me again why you have to do this, why you have to go and die? Do you care so little for me? For yourself?"

"You know that's not true!"

"Why wouldn't it be true?! Ungayenza njani le nto kum!?"

"Please just listen to me! I don't know what's going on but we can talk about it! I'm right here, I'm right here!"

"But you won't be after this! You don't have to do this! Just let me try, let me show you that there's other things to give you purpose, there’s other ways we can handle this! PLEASE!" Shuri felt herself starting to cave in, her chest becoming a cavern filled with the screams of the orphaned girl inside of her. The girl who needed her family. The girl who couldn't save her brother. The girl who was held back from her mother as she drowned. The woman who loves women, specifically the woman in front of her who was planning to give herself up. She couldn't keep it together. She couldn't breathe. She couldn't think.

"That's not for you to decide, Shuri!" Riri shot back, starting to feel the same layer of armor pull itself over her. She didn't like being yelled at. It triggered something in her that she herself had pushed back as far as it would go. She just needed to get Shuri to listen to her.

"I don't care! You can't do this Riri!"

"Please stop yelling at me!" Riri gave in, covering her ears and turning her back to the panther, who felt herself go still. She hadn't meant to unleash this part of herself. She felt embarrassment mixing with her desperation, afraid she had only made things worse. Who was she to be trying to control the actions of a woman she only met a little over a year ago? Who she was just friends with, and barely that if you based it off what normal friendships looked like. They rarely even spoke for longer than a few minutes every couple days and that wasn’t even true anymore. Shuri scorned herself for the time she hadn’t spent with her, for the time she had been forced to spend trying to fix, defend or save her country. She resented her royal blood now more than ever, wishing she could be nothing more than a girl again. Maybe a student. Maybe just different. Shuri felt herself starting to crack, she felt like she would disintegrate if she stood there any longer. She had done enough damage. She and Wakanda and the Talokan had put Riri through enough and she knew that. She could see why Riri would think this guilt was hers to bare but Shuri knew better, knew more secrets. She knew that her father and his father and so on hadn’t handled things right, and no matter the good T’Challa had tried to do - maybe he didn’t do it right either. So now it laid in her hands, forced once again to stand in the way of something she wasn’t ready for. She felt bad for herself, but she felt worse for Riri. She wishes she had never sent her home with the beads, that they had never touched hands, that they had never even met. Maybe if no one ever knew about Vibranium, no one would be trying to take it. Or maybe if the world had always known, if her ancestors had done things differently, this wouldn’t be Riri’s life. She was part of the lost tribe, as N’Jadaka would call it. Maybe he was right. She didn’t know what to think, but she also knew who she was, herself. She was the most powerful person on the surface world and she was the Queen of the most powerful nation in the world. And she was in love, helplessly, with Riri Williams. She would not let her go again.

"I am sorry for coming here and making you upset." Shuri said blankly, masking any emotions she had just shattered into the room as best as she could to regain any self control she had left.

Riri turned around, tears still swelling in her eyes. She hiccuped and it made Shuri's heart pound.

"I-it's okay. I just don't like b-being yelled at. Can we just sit and talk?"

Shuri nodded, knowing Riri needed a minute. Riri turned to grab a blanket off her bed to wrap herself in as she took a seat on the floor in front of her bed. She closed her eyes and took a few deep breaths before motioning to Shuri to sit next to her. Shuri stared at her for a moment too long, before kneeling down next to her. They sat in silence that wasn't comfortable for the first time in a long time. Neither missed this feeling, the feeling of such uncertainty between them. Sure, it was always there, biting at the backs of their minds and hearts. But they had both worked hard to be comfortable with just having what they had. But now more than ever, neither was sure what was really going on. Shuri mirrored Riri, taking a few deep breaths. Riri felt herself relax, misreading the quiet sigh Shuri let out.

"Are we okay? I don't want us to fight. I just... need you to help me understand why you're so upset. It didn't seem like you even really cared about this. I know you've been busy with what you have going on so I just figured this... I.. wasn't really on your radar anymore."

Shuri stayed silent, fighting that feeling nudging her.

"Please say something." Riri pleaded quietly after a few too many more moments of silence. She couldn't stand it. Neither could Shuri. She needed to escape. Get out of the room, out of America. She needed to run and scream and break something. She needed to kill Namor. That was her only option, once again. She knew it would come. She knew the fate of her country would be in the air again, and part of her knew she shouldn’t do it. Equal parts yes and no. Blood on either hand, regardless of what choice she made. But she also knew that Riri's life was once again in question and there was only one answer Shuri would accept. She would deal with the aftermath the same way she had been. She would accept whatever came. She knew she wasn't thinking clearly, that maybe she would be exiled or worse, but she also knew she couldn't live with herself if Riri wasn't alive tomorrow, and that was enough for her right now. If Riri wouldn't listen, then there was only one choice.

"I'm sorry I yelled at you, Riri. It won't ever happen again."

Riri was startled at the sincerity in the Panther's voice. She was confused why that was what Shuri felt she had to focus on in the midst of whatever the hell was going on.

"It's okay, I promise. I'm not mad at you for yelling at me. I'm just confused..."

"It's not okay. This, whatever you're planning, whatever he's planning... None of this is okay." Shuri said, pinching between her eyes as she tried to swallow the same beast from just a few minutes ago.

"Shuri... it's not like before. It's not about him. It's not even just about what happened in Wakanda. You know I'm Iron Heart. You knew I was going to start doing these things at some point. Missions that weren’t just flying around Chicago and Boston stopping robberies. And you know that something has to be done. And I can’t let this go on again when we all know it’s my fault.” Riri sighed. “We all know it is. So, please just try to hear me..."

"I have always heard you, Riri."

Riri digested that sentence with a gulp. She replied after a moment.

"Then let me hear you, for once. Tell me why you're here. Tell me why you're reacting like this. Tell me who you are and what you're feeling. Let me in, Shuri." She said, reaching out to grab Shuri's hand again. The Panther's hand was hot, almost burning. She didn't pull away this time.

"I'm here because I lo-.. Because I won't let this happen." Shuri caught herself before she said something she couldn't explain. Riri looked into Shuri's eyes with a pleading, less sure look. Shuri couldn't hold it this time. She couldn't freeze. She couldn't tell Riri. She reminded herself what happens every time she loves someone. She reminded herself of what she was capable of and what needed to be done. Regardless if Riri ever shared her feelings or not, she would swear her life to protecting the woman until the day she met the ancestors and maybe after if she could. She would do whatever it took, every time, no matter what, she resigned to herself. She squeezed Riri's hand.

"What're you gonna do? Lock me in my room, Shuri? I don't get what's going on!" Riri pleaded.

"I would never. You are not a prisoner or someone I want to control. You are free to do as you please, just as I am. Please understand that much."

"What does that mean... Wait, please don't go!" Riri tugged back at Shuri's hand again as the Panther got up to leave. Shuri looked down at their hands touching, taking in every second that their skin touched. She remembered what it felt like to reconnect after a long time apart. She wishes she could live in it like she had before. She brought their foreheads together and closed her eyes.

"I will protect you with every part of me. The cost will never be too much."

"Shuri, please don't do what I think you're about to do..." Riri pulled Shuri's hands into hers and brought them to the sides of their faces. They were so close they could feel each other's breath on their lips. Riri prayed in her head that Shuri would listen to her, knowing the strength and power the woman in front of her wielded. Shuri choked out a pained laugh before kissing Riri's forehead and pulling away, taking in the scent of Ghanian Shea Butter and the sweet scent Riri always had.

"Andizukuphulukana nawe. Impilo yami ngeke ibe lutho ngaphandle kwakho, Riri Williams."

Before Riri could open her eyes, the Black Panther was gone, the sound of a closing door shaking Riri to her core. She felt like she was in shock, having nothing to do but curl into a ball and pull the blanket around her body, covering her face as she let the rest of the tears fall silently. She laid there for what felt like an eternity until she heard a familiar voice call out to her.

"Miss Williams?" Riri jumped up, running around her room tracking down the voice. She picked up a purple and black kimoyo bead and held it up, suddenly seeing several others connect like magnets from across the other corners of the room.

"Griot?!" Riri both yelled and whispered.

"Hello, Miss Williams. Are you feeling alright?" Griot asked as the AI began taking a scan of her body to check her vitals.

"I've been better... what's going on? Why are you here? Not that it's not nice to... well you get what I mean!"

"It seems you have suffered a panic attack of sorts. Please get some water and take a seat before I proceed."

Riri rolled her eyes with a tired huff, giving in because she knew Griot wouldn't budge until she obliged. She grabbed a half empty bottle of water from her desk and sat back down near her bed, pulling the blanket up around her. She suddenly felt the absence of Shuri in her space and fought back the tears threatening to make way through her as she pulled the bracelet on, watching it activate. She had felt this way before, but it was different now.

"Feeling better, Miss Williams?"

"Just Riri is fine, and I guess. Can you explain what's going on now, please Griot?"

"Yes, Miss Riri." Griot replied as a hologram of Stark Tech floated in front of the scientist. She felt even more confused.

"Why are you showing me Stark Tech?"

"The panther has created and assigned your own AI for you, it's name is VIV. It is nearly identical to the JARVIS, or Vision, that Tony Stark had. It has been being developed for over a year, and seems to have just finished."

"What the fu-"

"The Panther also has an updated version of your vibranium Iron Heart suit on it's way to your lab location, or garage currently. She has given you access to me as well, with some restrictions. She has instructed me to inform you of this when the AI download is complete."

Riri sat in even more shock than she was in before. She was even more confused about Shuri's intentions now. More confused about her feelings, than anything. She replayed the words the panther had said to her before she left, she knew some Xhosa but it wasn’t great. 

"Can you translate what Shuri said to me in Xhosa before she left, Griot?" Riri asked, hoping for some clarity. Griot calculated for a moment, before answering.

"It would seem I am not permitted to complete that task at this time, Miss Riri."

Riri felt a pang of frustration rise in her, as she let out a laugh.

"Of course not... Can you tell me where the panther is right now?"

Griot took a moment again before answering.

"The Queen was on her way back towards Wakanda as of her last status, but it would seem she has powered off her location devices. Would you like me to contact her for you?"

Riri sat for a moment, considering her options and her own feelings.

"No, that's alright Griot. We're going to my lab. Can you help me boot up VIV when we get there? We're going on a trip."

"As you wish, Miss Riri."

Riri stood up, grabbing a hoodie and sliding on some J's. Before she walked out the door, she slid on the kimoyo beads and asked a final question.

"Oh, one last thing Griot. Can you turn on privacy mode? I would like my location hidden from everyone, including the Panther. Can you do that?"

"It seems I can, but I would not advise that action Miss Riri. There are safety protocols in place that the Panther can activate for you remotely."

"That's fine, just turn it on. I have my own safety protocols."

"As you wish, Miss Riri."

"Thank you, Griot."

Riri made her way to her garage in no time, paying no mind to the world around her or the messages on her phone from MJ about their project. When she got there, she did decide to shoot her a quick text explaining that she was heading home to Chicago for a family emergency, that MJ could find her portion already done on a small drive in her room and that she had permission to break in, and that she would make it up to her later. MJ did reply, but Riri didn’t have time for that. She got to work, with the help of Griot, or the portion of him that she was allowed to operate, and booted up her own AI and implemented it into her nano suit. The one from wakanda was on its way but wouldn’t be there in time. Thankfully, she didn’t have to meet with Namor for another day and a half. She needed to think quickly but after working everything out with her suit, she was unsure where to go from there. 

“Griot, can I use both you and VIV?” 

“Yes, but you likely will not need me once the AI is turned on. I will be there when you need me, though Miss Riri.”

“Thank you Griot.” Riri smiled to herself, always fond of Griot and their robot voice. It made her think about the time she spent in the lab with Shuri, where they would borderline argue and Riri would laugh at them. This brought back that pang in her stomach and chest. She got to work on turning on and engaging with the AI so that it could mold to her needs, voice and patterns. After about an hour, she felt ready to head off. Except she had no idea how to get to Wakanda, let alone how to get in. She ruffled through her bookbag to find the information Namor had sent for her. A small teal envelope with her name on it, looking like it was written with a quill and ink. She shuddered at the thought of how old this man was and how intentional he had been to get this note to her. She opened it and read over it again, hoping to find more information than last time. Then, an idea came to mind.

“Hey VIV, and Griot, not that I don’t think you can handle it by yourself VIV. But uh, can you both scan this for me? I don’t have my Black light. Look for anything and everything. Cross reference what you find, if anything. Please.” 

“Yes IronHeart.” “Yes, Miss Riri.” They both answered in tandem. While they got to work, Riri sat down finally to think about what she could do. She couldn’t exactly call up the avengers to help her figure this out. She had to be lowkey, she had to be smart, and she needed it to work. She had only been to Wakanda once, and wasn’t really in the know about how to travel there let alone get through the border forcefield. As she went over all she did know, trying to remember any details that would help, the AI duo alerted her. 

Griot speaking first, since VIV seemed to sense a deeper trust from the IronHeart’s patterns. 

“There are markings on the back that would indicate a geolocation where Namor would like you to meet.”

“So, coordinates? I can work with that.” Riri said out loud, still trying to figure out exactly how she could work with that. Until she looked over at her father’s red car, in pristine condition thanks to Shuri. And it dawned on her. 

“Griot, do you have contact information for anybody besides Shuri?”

“I have contact information for Queen Shuri, and Okoye, former general of the Dora Milage.”

“Perfect. Please contact her now.”

“Yes, Miss Riri.”

“Wait, before you do, please transfer this contact information over to VIV. I’m not sure if Shuri knows that I have VIV yet, but in case she does, I don’t doubt that she would shut you down.” Riri explains to her favorite robot as if they needed it. Griot complied and sent a call out to Okoye.

Riri waited, holding her breath. She wasn’t sure is Okoye would answer, or even be willing to help. But this is what she had to work with. 

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, Okoye answered.

“Small girl. Is everything alright?” Okoye answered seeming cheerful enough to hear from the girl but not without worry for the cause. Riri took a deep breath and explained the situation, truthfully, to the best of her ability. Somehow, as a surprise to both of them, Okoye was on her way in a matter of minutes as a Midnight Angel, with a jet that Shuri had let her keep. They both knew Shuri would be upset, but somehow it didn’t matter enough to let her get to Namor. They both knew what could happen, and what Shuri would likely do. 

No time was wasted when Okoye arrived, Riri running in the open hatch as fast as she could. Okoye pulled off without a trace, both of them hoping they hadn’t alerted any American law enforcement this time.

Okoye charted course for Wakanda and they both sat in near silence for most of the ride, only sharing a few words when Riri boarded, Riri showing Okoye the letter before she began piloting. They would make it in time. Riri sat near the back, not feeling like she belonged at the mantle of the machine. She had always liked these, having begged Shuri to teach her how to fly one before they set off for war. Riri sunk into her feelings that she had been trying to keep at bay since finding out about the AI. Before Shuri came, she honestly really wasn’t sure what she was going to do or how she was going to do it. But it seemed like the timing would suggest that she was supposed to, whether she really wanted to believe that or not. She didn’t want to believe that she was this horrible monster who brought death and destruction with her everywhere she went, but sometimes she really did. She tried to fight those thoughts back and began to feel the weight of her body, sinking into the seat. Sinking was a familiar feeling to her. She tried to remember how to swim in her own thoughts. She remembered how Shuri would talk her through her episodes. How she would call right away when she sensed anything off, even if Riri wasn’t wearing her beads. She remembered how it felt to think everything would be okay, and how often that was proved to be untrue. 

It was too easy to remember. Too easy to feel like it was just yesterday. Riri couldn't keep her mind from wandering back in time while the Wakandan jet made its way through the air. Trying to focus on anything else, trying to pay attention to the Dora silently flying or guarding the exit, trying to watch the sky around her. Anything. She couldn't bite down hard enough on the inside of her cheek, leaving a sore mark wasn't enough to keep her mind from its current occupation. 

"What are you doing here?!" The shorter of the two screamed, almost screeched as she ran into the panther's arms. 

"I had some time to myself finally. Where else would I go?" Shuri chuckled as she picked the scientist up. 

"You could literally go anywhere in the world and probably... out of the world? At this point with Wakandan tech." Riri explained, seriously, as she hung onto the slim but toned body holding her off the ground with ease, not realizing she was holding on as tight as she was. Not realizing there was nowhere else Shuri would have gone. Nowhere. 

"You're so... anyway, what should we do?"

"How long do we have?" Riri asked as she pulled back, not even trying to contain her wide grin that was plastered across her face. Shuri recorded it to memory, as she always did with the smaller woman's features. 

"96 hours. Well, 96-ish, less now that we've been standing here debating where I could've gone." Shuri jokes as she lets go, making sure Riri found her footing. 

"Shut up! Four days?! We have so much to do!" Riri definitely screeched this time, pretending to slap Shuri's arm. Fighting the urge to grab it and pull her in, Shuri picks up Riri's book bag from where she dropped it and places it in her desk chair as she walks to the bed and pulls her own bag out from under the bed.

"Exactly how long have you been here? You seem comfortable." Riri jokes as she grabs two waters from her mini fridge and hops up on her bed. 

"I am." Shuri chuckles at the sight of the shorter woman having to jump to get on the bed. "And since your first class."

"Are you serious?! Why didn't you say anything dickhead?!" 

"Ouch!" Shuri feigns pain as she catches the pillow Riri throws at her head and plops on the bed next to her. "I had a few things to handle, and needed to secure the dorm building. I didn't want to disrupt your day, I know midterms are coming up no?"

"Yeah, they are but you could've let a bitch know! I would've cleaned!" Riri states, noticing that she sounds much like her mother. 

"I like your mess." Shuri smiles. 

"Shut up. How did you secure the whole dorm building?"

"Well, I hope you don't mind. I have beads in every corner of the building. And a few around campus as well. Including in here. Is that alright with you?"

"Sheesh. Do I have a choice?" Riri jokes, but Shuri nervously answers.

"Yes of course! If it's not comfortable for you, I can sleep at a hotel. I should've asked, I'm sorry about that. Next time I'll-"

"There's a next time too?"

"Well, if you'd li-"

"Are you crazy?! Of course! And yeah yeah, that's all fine with me. I get it. Don't start worrying about it or nun. I was just curious."

Shuri's smile returns and she relaxes back into the bed. It was oddly comfortable, being that the last time she was here was before the war. Sure, they'd been talking for months over facetimes and calls. And texts. And letters.. oddly, but not to them. They were both truly as desperate as they felt, but excused it since it seemed mutual - opting to call it a mutual interest in friendship, as opposed to what it really was in the bigger picture. And sure, they had seen each other one other time, but it was so brief that it shouldn't really count - although it did, to both of them. 

Shuri had arrived at an American event in Boston, forced to show face by the elders after the uproar surrounding her mother and everything. She felt it was too soon and didn't make sense to attend a tech gala when none of it was even touching Wakandan tech. But regardless, she put on her best suit and went, disregarding the elder's request for her to wear traditional royal attire. She sat there, wishing she hadn't come, while big investors droned on. The only part that peaked her interest was listening to the stories of young inventors. They reminded her of herself, so excited and in a hurry. They reminded her of someone else too. Someone she had been longing to see since she left Wakanda only a few months ago at the time. 

Shuri muddled around the thought of calling Riri, or just showing up at her dorm. She knew she had responsibilities to attend to the next afternoon after she returned home, and it really hadn't been that long. Maybe Riri wasn't ready to see her yet? Or maybe she never would be. Or maybe Shuri had really made their connection up in her own mind. Or maybe she didn't? And maybe she should just call her, or maybe send her a quick text to keep it more casual? Keep what, casual exactly? She wasn't sure. She paced around her own mind anxiously the entire night, not realizing it was her turn to speak until the Doras were next to her asking if she was alright. She collected herself and headed to the stage, performing a speech much like her brother had about the importance of innovation, supporting the youth - especially the Black and Brown youth, etc. She meant what she said but she hardly felt as connected or present with it as she was when she wrote it. Still circling her mind was her favorite innovator, the scientist who made everything make sense to her. Pining so badly, by the end of her speech she had resolved to call Riri. Faking her smiles through the eruption of clapping and handshakes as she left the stage, she made her way back to her seat while the closing speech began - only to lose her resolve when Ayo bent down to whisper a reminder of their exit plan and their intended arrival time back in Wakanda. 

She had known it was a foolish thought. Who even knew what the small scientist would be doing at this time? She could be working, studying, partying. God, Shuri hoped not but recoiled at her own thoughts. She wasn't heteronormative and she wasn't the toxic type. She just also felt jealous of anybody and anything that got to be around Riri when she wasn't. Which was most times. Essentially all the time. Really, she reasoned with herself, she had only been around Riri for a few days and it had been against her will anyway. Maybe she really was making all of this up in her head. 

The Queen of Wakanda continued her mental pace as she made her exit, later than most guests and certainly not from the front entrance. She walked through the beautiful building with the Doras who were talking amongst themselves about logistics, seemingly all having caught onto another one of Shuri's "moods". Shuri paid them no mind, as they expected, while she began brooding. What was the point of coming to America, aside from like... the actual point, politically - if not to see her scientist? She caught herself scoffing at "her scientist", making fun of herself in her head as they headed outside and around the back when the Doras suddenly stood alert around her. Shuri looked around her and back at her beads quickly, doing a quick scan of their surroundings, only to hear a small, out of breath "Hey" from her left.

"Williams?"

"Yeah, yeah.. haha. Hoo. Crazy catching you here." Riri joked awkwardly as she tried to catch her breath from clearing having run.

"Yes, well I was-"

"Giving a speech. I saw on tv. Just happened to be in the neighborhood myself so I figured I'd uh, say hi." Riri cut the Panther off as she caught her bearings and finally made eye contact. Shuri made contact back, silently signaling for the Dora to drop their guard. Ayo looked between them but of course followed command. Shuri stepped between them and closer to the scientist, who was now twiddling her fingers and looking anywhere but at Shuri. Just like she did in Wakanda. Just like Shuri had replayed in her head a billion times over. While Shuri took the absence of eye contact as a chance to damn near gawk at the smaller woman, Riri was doing her own mental laps. 

She also questioned her intentions and if she had been making this all up. She also questioned how crazy she must look, showing up here like this. She couldn't stop herself, leaving MJ, Peter and Ned in her OWN room after they had been flipping through channels and Riri caught a glimpse. That was all it took, one, maybe two seconds and she was out the door. And granted, she kind of was in the neighborhood. If you consider being four miles away in the neighborhood. She had considered grabbing her car from the garage but figured it would take too long, so she jumped in her nano suit her and Peter had been working on (that definitely still needed some work), and flew over. Of course she couldn't land in front of everyone, so she landed in a park a few blocks away and took off on foot. None of which she will EVER tell anybody, although she could barely remember her excuse to the three friends she left in her dorm as she forced herself to look back up and meet Shuri's eyes. 

"In the neighborhood?"

"You could say that." Riri joked awkwardly again.

This made Shuri laugh. Riri had that effect on her, she had learned during their late night lab sessions. Even in the midst of the grimmest of days and a literal war, Riri had Shuri laughing so hard she cried a few times. They both seemed to be thinking back while they laughed together and smiled at each other shyly until Ayo cleared her throat. 

"We must get going, Kumkanikazi." Both women seemed to jump a bit, having been pulled out of their staring contest. Riri shuddered at hearing Shuri be called that, she recognized it from when Okoye would speak about Queen Ramonda. She had done her best to pick up on as much of the language as she could when she was there, for some reason unknown to her - she just figured it would come in handy. But now, hearing it and knowing it meant Queen, shook her to her core. She remembered why she hadn't reached out, the guilt that sat in her bones about it. She nearly turned on her heels until she heard Shuri speak. 

"One moment please."

"My Queen, we really must-" Ayo begun speaking in Xhosa but was cut off by the Panther Queen. 

"Please. One moment." Shuri said, a command but almost begging, not turning to face the general one step to the side of her. She pulled at the necklace around her neck and Ayo nodded silently. 

"I will ready the jet." Ayo answered and turned around, her and the two other Dora briskly walking to the jet that was just now coming into Riri's focus. She assumed it was using the new camouflage tech she had heard mentioned before she left Wakanda. 

"Those things get cooler every time."

"Yeah, I suppose they do." Shuri laughed half heartedly. They both tried to speak but cut each other off.

"So-"

"I do-"

"You first." They both sheepishly smiled as they spoke in unison. but Riri insisted. "Go ahead, please." 

Shuri would've resisted if she wasn't so desperate and struggling against showing it. 

"How have you been? I've mis- I've been wondering. We haven't spoken since you left." Shuri caught herself, suddenly feeling like twiddling her fingers and looking at her shoes too but she resisted that too. She was good at resisting. 

"Oh.. well yeah. I've been. You know, school, work. Just been trying to get through the semester. I wanted to re- well I wondered how you've been too."

"I've been, too." Shuri shrugged with a smile. She wanted to know more, everything. To devour the stories Riri could tell her, even the most mundane. She wanted to know what pencils she used to write equations and what she thought of the food in her cafeteria. Riri just smiled, feeling the weight again. She knew Shuri hadn't been good, and she knew she hadn't either. 

"Can I ask you-" They both spoke in unison again. 

"You first." Riri insisted again, before Shuri could. Shuri didn't like it but she also didn't have much time to waste. 

"Why didn't you reach out?" She asked, leaving Riri out of breath all over again. After a second that seemed like a million, Riri answered.

"I didn't know how." She said truthfully. 

"I left you beads. Maybe I should've left a note too. I'm sorry, I figured you'd-"

"No, no. Not like that. I figured that out, it was actually pretty easy." Riri smiled, thinking about how much fun it was to try to get the beads to work. Fun until it wasn't. Fun until she heard Shuri's voice message and left it for months.

"Then you didn't want to?"

"No, I did. I just didn't know... how. I didn't know what to say, or how to say it. But trust me, I wanted to. I really wanted to." Riri said earnestly and more quiet than she intended. Shuri believed her and took her answer, even if she didn't like it. Again resisting herself. Resisting Riri. 

"I understand. Thank you for letting me know. Well..." She looked back at the Jet and sighed. They made eye contact before Shuri decided it would be best to count her losses in her own country, turning to leave. 

"Wait, I still have a question!" Riri almost shouted. "If that's okay... of course." She said more quiet. Shuri turned around eager to hear. Hoping. Resisting. But hoping. She nodded her head.

"Well..." Riri twisted her fingers around in her hands. She still didn't know what to say or how to say it. But she didn't have much time to waste. 

"Well?" Shuri asked, trying not to sound pushy but anxious to know. 

"Is it too late?" Riri asked, looking back up at the woman in front of her. The face she had committed to memory, but a bit different. More mature. Somehow even more beautiful. Shuri said nothing.

"...To reach out... To talk?" Riri finally drove it home, sending a silent prayer to whoever would answer that she wouldn't further embarrass herself. 

Startling the both of them, Shuri's beads lit up and Ayo's face appeared. 

"My apologies my Queen, but if we do not leave in the next three minutes, you may be late to your engagements tomorrow."

"Yes, thank you. I'm coming." Shuri said back, eyes still on Riri. 

Riri felt defeated as she watched the panther tuck her beads back up her sleeve. It probably was too late. And who knows. Maybe it was the right thing to do to not stay in contact. Maybe that's what was best for Wakanda or Shuri. She remembered her mother always telling her that sometimes "doing the right thing feels like shit". In this case, she thought, it felt worse than shitty.

That was until Shuri grabbed her hand. Softly, almost too soft in comparison to what you'd expect from a super powered panther. It was so soft yet sent a shiver through Riri, like electricity was coursing through her. Like her heart was beating for the first time. The eye contact was somehow not as awkward as it was a second ago when they were standing a few feet apart. It was like they were all alone.

"Use the beads. If they need to charge, just set them in the sun but they shouldn't."

"Oh- Okay. I will. I will." Riri said twice, almost like she was confirming with herself first and the Shuri.

"Good." Shuri smiled. She took a step closer before she heard another beep on her own beads. Before the General could speak, Shuri was already responding. 

"I heard you. I'm coming."

She looked at Riri again and sighed, and suddenly Riri saw just how exhausted the Panther really was. And maybe something else too. Shuri stepped back again, not wanting to let go of Riri's hand. 

"It'll never be too late. I'll see you soon?" Shuri said, finally letting go and letting the physical distance regrow between them, hoping that the emotional distance wouldn't grow again too. 

Riri watched as the panther walked back to the jet and boarded, looking back only once, only long enough to catch Riri's small wave but not return it. The younger scientist stood there feeling disassociated, unsure of what to do next. Really, she knew she had to go back to her dorm and go back to living her real life just like she had after she left Wakanda. Although, as dreary as that still seemed to her, this time felt different. Like there was something to look forward to, if she had the balls to actually use the beads like Shuri had said. She mulled over whether or not it was an instruction or a question from the Panther as she chose not to watch the jet fly off behind her. She heard the media start to buzz again when they heard the jet, upset that they had missed the person they were waiting for. Yet, Riri stood there and stared at the ground where Shuri was just standing. She still felt that pathetic feeling, and worried that she hadn't had a chance to explain how she found Shuri or even knew she would be there. She felt the weight of grief again, after seeing how tired Shuri looked when you really looked at her. And she felt guilty, for feeling excited. For feeling the butterflies she always pretended she didn't feel. She wondered, briefly, how Shuri was feeling right now but per usual, tried not to wonder too much as to not become delusional. She knew better than anybody that assuming to know how someone else thinks is the worst mistake you can make. 

Shuri, back in the jet that was flying faster than she would like, was afflicted by similar thoughts. She wondered how Riri had found her and wondered if she really was as lucky as that just felt. She wondered why the girl even came. She wondered if she thinks about her too. She wondered if Riri would use the beads. She sat awake, replaying every moment of their time together since their first encounter over and over until they arrived in Wakanda, despite the Doras concerns for her not getting rest. Shuri would rest when things were well enough for her to rest, she told herself, but even she was starting to notice the cracks. She knew she could only stay awake for so many days until her body would shut down. She had secretly tried some of the elixirs and teas that both Nakia and Aneka had sent her, and she had read what Okoye sent her after hearing everything. She had slept every now and then, but it was never restful. It was never without torment from some figment of her mind taking shape of someone she wasn't ready to face - whether that be Namor, N'jdaka, or her mother. She always prayed for T'Challa to appear, who she wasn't sure if she was ready to see but longed for the comfort of his voice or face, but each time her body fell asleep, her mind fell into a well pit of despair. 

That is, until later that night. Shuri had been through her daily responsibilities after making it back to Wakanda. Once her meetings were over, she made her way to the lab. She did her best to avoid checking the status of Riri's beads, trying to keep her mind busy as she usually did. It was harder this time, knowing that she'd actually spoken to the girl. After bopping around a bit, her body started to feel the weight of the past few days. She hadn't been physically training as much as she should've the past few weeks, because she knew it would knock her out but she was starting to feel stiff. She finally let up and sat down at one of her desks in a back room of the lab after Griot had let her know her vitals. She didn't usually sit in this room, so she hadn't been aware of what was placed in there. As she lazily sifted through the papers on the desk to try to keep her mind occupied, she saw blueprints for Riri's Iron Heart suit. The same feeling of nervousness and excitement rose in her as she more hurriedly looked over them. Despite all the work they did together, she never really got to see too much of Riri's initial process from scratch. She ran her slender fingers over Riri's pencil marks, reading over all her notes to herself. 

With a yawn, Shuri sat back and relished in the fact that Riri actually existed. Sometimes, when Shuri was really out of it, she couldn't believe that everything really happened. She was sometimes convinced she would wake up and her mother would still be here, or that Riri was just a figment of her desperate imagination. Sure, having her mother back would be... well, everything. But it scared Shuri to think Riri might not have been real, that she didn't really happen. She felt selfish for this, knowing that Riri's life would probably be better without the trauma she endured in Wakanda. But nevertheless, Shuri held on tight to the memories she had of the woman, hoping that they would be enough for her. 

She thought about how it felt to hold Riri's hand, to touch her skin again. It was just as soft and delicate as it had been when they parted ways a few months ago. Her face looked the same, maybe more mature in some ways. She looked tired too, underneath the face she put on for other people. They had gotten past that with each other during their long nights alone working together in the lab. 

She thought about what it would feel like to fall asleep in Riri's bed. The mattress probably wasn't super comfortable but she remembers all the colorful pillows she has, messily strewn across the surface. The different colored blankets would probably fit them both well, even with the little space a twin bed supplies. They would have to be close, touching. Shuri imagined breathing in sync, feeling Riri's ribcage rise and fall in her arms while they were pressed against each other. She thought about how Riri smells. She's been trying to replicate it for months. She thought about breathing her in, laying her face in the crook of her neck and sleeping. Not thinking. Sleeping. Not even having to dream. She thought about waking up next to her, seeing her sleeping still until Shuri shifted too much by accident. Riri waking up and no doubt saying something funny. Or soft. Or just saying hello. How her eyes would look. She thought about not being afraid to make it real, that in her thoughts she didn't have to pretend that these touches were by accident or out of necessity. That they could spend an eternity, wrapped in colorful blankets, sleeping and touching skin to skin. That maybe Riri would feel the same, and they would laugh about how long it took to figure it out. That they would laugh until they couldn't, and talk until they couldn't, and then they would kiss. And everything would melt away, and neither would know where their skin would begin or end. And they would kiss until they couldn't. And they'd sleep. 

She hadn't realized she had fallen asleep at the desk until she heard Griot's voice. 

"Sorry to startle you, Panther. But, Miss Williams is trying to contact you. How would you like me to proceed?"

Shuri was shook, unsure of what she looked like or even what time it was. She felt nervous. She felt groggy, not even sure if this was real either. Nevertheless, she answered. 

"Patch me through, please."

She waited a moment with bated breath, hoping this wasn't a dream or some fluke. Until she heard a familiar voice.

"Hello?" Riri asked, sounding nervous herself. Shuri wondered what time it was there, too. 

"Hey." She said, in a more relaxed tone. Even if this wasn't real, it was still the best dream she'd had in months. Maybe ever.

And they talked, for a long time. Eventually working through any awkwardness. Riri never explained how she made it to the Panther, and the Panther never asked. She did explain, however, why it took so long for her to call. Shuri just listened and let herself laugh, like she'd been dreaming about. Finally feeling free for a little bit, even if it was just for a little bit.

On the other side of things, once Riri had cleared everyone out of her room when she got back and promising to explain to MJ later, she had sat down and thought about what to do. That turned into pacing and talking outloud. She had been avoiding the beads like the plague for months, unsure of what to do. Unsure of what choice would cause the least harm, since she already felt guilty for what she had caused. She found herself awake all night feeling anxious. She left for class that morning, deciding that she would get through her day and take a nap. She would figure it out after that. What she didn't tell Shuri, is how hard its been to sleep since she left Wakanda, or really even how hard it was while she was there. But when she tried to take a nap, she realized that all she dreamed about this time was Shuri and how soft her hand was when they had touched and how peaceful it felt to talk to her, even if only for a few moments and only a few words. She decided when she woke up that even if they ended up never talking again, she would keep her promise and use the beads.

And that's what she did. And that's what they kept doing, for weeks and months. They talked, they listened, they laughed, and on rare occasion, fell asleep. Both free from nightmares, even if just for a little while. Until Shuri finally arrived.

And finally, they had some time to really figure things out. Shuri promised she wasn't missing anything important by being there, and that she had allotted enough time. Riri was still unsure about it but couldn't resist the opportunity to finally see the woman she had been pining over for months - as a friend, of course. 

As Riri remembered back fondly, she had forgotten what was ahead of her until she was jolted by turbulence that was usually well controlled by the Wakandan tech in the fighter jet. She couldn't process how she could possibly be on her way to confront the man that almost killed her and did actually kill the Queen of Wakanda. She couldn't fathom that she was racing there, against her love, her best friend, to make sure she didn't kill him first. Suddenly her clothes all felt too tight, and her suit felt heavy despite being nano. Suddenly the air felt hot and her lungs felt empty and she felt dizzy. She had felt all of this before, a panic attack. Riri Williams was no stranger to a panic attack. Not before Wakanda, and definitely not after. Though, for the past few months, she had always had Shuri to help ground her. Now, she was floating in the air, literally and figuratively. Everything was moving so fast. She felt herself spiraling and cursing herself in the process, unable to stop it but ashamed nonetheless. She had worked hard, since she was younger, to have a control over her emotions and thoughts. She needed to, especially if she was going to take this super hero shit serious. Especially if she was going to be there for her mom and sister after her dad passed. Especially if she was going to make it. But she felt that control slowly ripping itself to shreds, doing a number on all the mental blocks she had in place. She couldn't lose Shuri. She couldn't be the cause of another war in Wakanda. She couldn't live with the guilt. She couldn't let Shuri get hurt, or worse, for her again. Even if it meant confronting a man much more powerful than her. Even if it meant losing. Even if it meant drowning all over again. 

Suddenly, she felt a cool hand grace the side of her cheek. She felt her suit dematerialize around her until it was just a bracelet again. She felt Okoye kneel down in front of her, eyes kinder than they usually were. She felt her pull her in close and squeeze. The pressure of the embrace bringing Riri back into her body. They stayed like that until Riri could breathe again. 

She went to apologize as Okoye pulled back silently, just as she had appeared, but she was cut off. 

"Aht aht. There is no need." Okoye softly but firmly let her know, sitting down next to her. They had never been this close before. Riri looked over to see the jet flying itself. The first time she saw that happen she was crazy nervous, but she's grown to trust both Wakandan tech and Okoye. After a few moments of silence, Okoye spoke again.

"I know what she means to you, you know."

Riri looked at her finally, noticing how somber her eyes really looked. She had seen those eyes before, but not like this. Okoye continued, looking back out the windows. 

"I was T'Challa's right hand. I saw it all, from the beginning to the end. I saw him be the panther, I saw him be the king. I saw him be Shuri's brother." Riri felt a pang in her at the use of Shuri's name. She listened.

"And I saw him fall in love. I saw him devote himself to Nakia, and I saw her unravel at the loss of him - until she left. I saw it all, as much as I could. And I often wondered why I didn't feel the way they seemed to feel when my husband betrayed me and Wakanda. But their love... it was pure. It was something out of this world, it was something built into them." Okoye sighed, feeling grief in many directions. Riri found herself fighting back tears again until Okoye looked at her with different eyes, almost loving eyes this time.

"I have seen that kind of love before and that is how I know you have it. Both of you. And that is how I know we will figure this out." Okoye looked at her and squeezed her hand again, affirming what she said. They both heard the AI tell them they were approaching in the next 5 minutes. Through her tears that were now shamelessly falling down her face, Riri gulped out a question, in true Riri fashion.

"Do you think you will ever love like that?"

"I already do." Okoye said, getting up and adjusting herself to get back to the front of the plane to chart their secret entrance into Wakanda. Riri looked confused.

"Ngudade wethu." Okoye answered again, before sitting down and being who she needed to be. Riri knew what she said, and knew that she was right. About all of it. 

As they prepared themselves, Riri suited up and made her way to the front of the plane. 

"Where did he say to meet?" The midnight angel asked Riri. She sent the coordinates to the jet and looked at them wistfully. She hadn't really thought about where she might actually be going to "talk" to him when she was rushing to get herself to Wakanda. She jumped when Okoye gasped. 

"What?! What is it?!" Worry filled her from head to toe again, hoping it had nothing to do with Shuri. 

"That bastard... We are going to have to find a way to break into the palace. He wants to meet in the throne room."

Riri was speechless, knowing that this was a tactic to try to make her feel weak. She also couldn't deny that it was working. She felt her heart rate increase at the thought of being back in there. Of seeing the place where she almost died. Of... all of it. She had visited many times in her dreams, all against her will. And now she would face him there, against her will. She knew he was doing this to weaken her resolve, much like her and Shuri did with the dehydrating jet. She knew his intent all along, but this certainly solidified it. 

Riri tried to make peace with dying in Wakanda. Once again, her mom wouldn't know where she was or how any of this happened. She wondered what lie they would tell her. She wondered if she would fight or just give herself to him. She wondered what Shuri would do, knowing this wouldn't end well no matter what she did. But she held her mind together as best as she could. She knew she had to meet him before she did. She knew she had to do what she could to prevent a second war. Okoye knew too, looking at her and then pulling up her own beads to try and locate Shuri. 

"The Panther's location services are currently offline." The Ai spoke to them. 

"Let us pray she is behind us and not ahead of us."

"Will she know where to find us?"

"We are about to break into the most secure place on the planet earth. I'm sure everyone will know where to find us in a matter of moments." Okoye answered and they shared a look. 

"I hope you know, I will fight until the end with you. I have stood with the Wakandan throne my whole life. I have stood with Shuri and those that came before her. I have stood for the safety of my people as best as possible, but I have made my own mistakes before. I will stand with you, now, Riri. No matter the outcome."

Riri felt the pull of her tear ducts again but different this time. Okoye reminded her of her own sister, and of her own mistakes. She reached out a hand and found Okoye's. They held hands until it was time to land. 

Once they had maneuvered their way into the country using Okoye's knowledge as former general and her new disguising tech, which Riri made a note to recreate if she made it out of this, Riri followed Okoye into the dense jungle around them.

"The best chance we have is to stay low until we can't anymore, and then charge in. The Doras won't see it coming but they will react, with their full might as they've been trained to do. Even to me. Our goal is not to harm any Wakandans, but we have to get to the throne room before he does. I will do my best to reason with Ayo and Aneka but they will resist a meeting with him there. Once we spot him, we must draw him away from the palace. Even if it means drawing him to the sea. Remember that he is most powerful near water."

Riri nods as she listens. Okoye wishes there were another way.

"Remember that if we see Shuri, we may already be too late. We must keep them separate. I do not know if she will choose peace a second time. Not when it concerns you."

"I don't want her to do this, I hope you know. You were right. You were right about it all. I love her. But I don't want her to risk everything for me. You all already have and I can't live with that. I can't live with any of this. I don't want to die but... But I can't let everyone else die for me either." Riri spits out, hoping she's being believed. She means it. Okoye looks at her and hears Nakia's voice in her head. "I just know his spirit. It is simple in that way for me."

"Ndiyawazi umoya wakho. I believe you. And I will fight to make sure no one has to die today, unfortunately even him if it means peace."

"Thank you."

"Thank you, small girl."

"For what?" Riri asked, genuinely surprised since most of the mayhem the past few months has been a result of her actions - intentional or not. 

"For giving her something to hold onto again. Something to believe in." Okoye answered truthfully. Riri didn't know what to say but she took in what the older woman said, against trusting her. After a few moments of silence, it was time.

"Stand behind me and do not fly until I tell you. If you enter the air space anywhere near the palace, you will be shot down before you can count to one. Do you understand?" Riri nodded. 

She did understand. Now, more clearly than ever.

🖤

[humanitieswalkingredflag]

confession headcanons with lotor, acxa and allura

notes: first post on this account, figured I'd start off with something pretty simple tags: friends to lovers, confessions, first kisses, hugs, overall just fluff lmfao, claustrophobia, tight spaces, being locked into a closet word count: 1.5k

[ lotor ]

okay so first of all Lotor would act one of two ways if he had feelings for you

either he'd be extremely suave around you (and of course a blushing mess the second you acted even close to similar)

or he'd be almost mean? like I feel like he would ignore you if you were someone he really cared about and/or someone he was enemies with

in the latter case its a situation where he doesn't want you knowing

I feel like, if you two went from friends to lovers, it would more be the second option, so we're going to go with that

so you've been noticing for a while that Lotor's been ignoring you for a while

and you're like hey bitch what gives, so you go and ask him why

poor lotor is an absolute mess. he has no clue what to say

cause like obviously he can't say, "Yeah I was ignoring you because you're super hot and I'm in love with you." So he just kinda stands there like 🧍 "How can I help you?"

but now ur like lowkey pissed so you just force answers out of him by like getting super mad

and he's just like 😒 "why do u care?"

hehe you just yell out "Cause I love you fucking idiot."

and then you realize what you just said and storm off lmfao

poor man has a panic attack and then just chases you into the hallway, grabbing you and pinning you against a wall as gently as he can.

"did you... mean that?" lotor forces out, cradling your cheek in his large hand. his cheeks are red, you notice with some satisfaction, and as you revel in this affection after weeks of being starved of it you realize that the likelihood of lotor feeling the same way is really quite large.

so, after working up insane amounts of courage, you go on your tippy toes, guide lotor's head down to a height where you can reach him, and peck him gently on the lips, pulling away quickly, cheeks dusted red. "uh... sorry," you look away, not wanting to make eye contact with him, "If you don't feel the same way... you can just ign-"

"- I do feel the same way," he coughs out, also not meeting your gaze.

"Oh."

Lotor steels himself, then leans down, tilting your head up with his warm hand as he gently meets your lips, deepening the kiss as you smile into it.

After some time he breaks away, smiling.

the man is emotionally stunted but you can fix that *winks*

[ a/n that was shit lmfao he's quite ooc i hope y'all don't mind ]

[ acxa ]

acxa would be really subtle if she had feelings for you

if you guys go from strangers to lovers, then she'll probably just subtly do things for you

she's going to get a coffee, she'll ask if you want one as well

just the little things

if it's a friends to lovers scenario, she might leave lingering touches along your arms or hands

I feel like her main love language is acts of service, considering she's relatively closed off due to her military history, so she will do more things for you, as I already mentioned. however if she has feelings for you beyond just friendship, she might also cave to your love language as well

physical touch? she's letting you hug her, which leads to ezor teasing her so fucking much because usually acxa will just step back if someone tries something like that

if its gift giving, expect small, practical things likes knives or omnitools. she won't give elaborate gifts all willy-nilly, but she does know what you like for, for example, your birthday

anyway back to the confession (I got a bit off track there lmfao)

so acxa will be realllll subtle, and you'll just be blushing your ass off lmfao

like she'll gently adjust some hair so that it's again behind your ear and you will just go red as a tomato

the issue here is that ACXA IS FUCKING OBLIVIOUS

doesn't notice a thing

this means ezor (best wingman fr) and zethrid (their exhausted gf) have to play cupid and get you two together, because ofc only ezor sees the signs and has to act on them

anyway, the actual confession is relatively simple, because ezor dedicates so much of their time into getting you two into the closet together that zethrid swears she hasn't slept all week

(the sheer amount of failed attempts... is astounding)

so ezor is like, hey, [reader] wanted to meet you here for something top secret and pushes acxa into the closest, meanwhile zethrid just picks you up and drops you inside, closing and locking the door as soon as you two are in there

ofc they're both outside listening in

anyway acxa starts off by trying to break down the door, like the night in shining armor she is, but as soon as she realizes that it's futile she just slumps against the wall and accepts defeat

i mean ofc she knows why ezor is doing this

doesn't mean she has to like it

"so..." you blurt out, awkwardly rubbing the back of your head with your palm. internally, you're panicing at being locked inside a tight space with none other than acxa, the object of your affections, but you hope that you can at least display some composure around her.

you wouldn't want her to think you a complete fool.

acxa raises an eyebrow, "yeah?"

"how are we going to get out of here?" you ask, saying the first thing that comes to mind.

"they'll let us out eventually."

"hopefully. why do you think they locked us in here?" of course you know why the locked you in here. you should never have told ezor about your feelings for acxa, the general always was far too eager to play matchmaker to trust properly with sensitive emotions.

acxa doesn't reply for a while, simply tilting her head at you. she supposes it's now or never. the quicker she confesses the quicker you're both out of here; you've mentioned hating tight spaces before and she doesn't want to inconvenience you any further.

"they locked us in here because of my feelings for you, [reader]."

your eyes widen and your cheeks go red at the implication in her words. "do you-"

"they're romantic, yes, before you ask."

you swallow, "okay. um. I uh-"

"you feel the same way?"

"yes."

acxa sighs, in relief, and stands. as she steps towards you, you reach a hand out so that she may help you up. yet instead of staying standing up she kneels before you, her face at level with yours. as she takes your face in her warm hands, you smile, and she lends you one in return, right before your lips meet hers. the kiss is warm, nice, gentle, soft. you seperate, but before you can lean back against the wall, she grabs your collar, whispers, "may I?", waits for your nod then clashes your lips against her own, this one much hungrier.

ezor tugs the door open right then, but acxa just keeps kissing you.

[ a/n i am so gay. so. so gay ]

[ allura ]

THE SWEETEST

so obvious tho

but to everyone but you

again you are both oblivious to each other's blushing messes

"you look really pretty/handsome today," you are SCREAMING

in reply: "may I braid your hair, princess?" allura perishes on the spot and is so unbelievably red the entire time-

coran is, in this case, playing wingman

SHE STARTS WRITING LOVE LETTERS

they're always signed:

- from your sky princess

you only catch on at dinner one evening and you have that AHA! moment right next to coran

oh allura is so embarassed when you just stand up, tug out a letter and point at her while jumping up and down

but coran is smirking so hard lmfao

"you wrote the letters! princess you should have told me in person!" you're overjoyed; she returns your feelings! but why didn't she just tell you?

"I was scared you didn't feel the same way, love," allura replies.

you hands down leap towards her, hugging her so hard that she has to tell you to losen your grip a bit, lest you strangle her and you just cover her face in kisses. as you realize what you're doing though you jump away and blush hard, "sorry, I should have asked."

she shuts you up by tugging you back onto her lap and kissing you softly. "It is not an issue, my love."

you legitimately short circuit.

meanwhile the paladins: 😃 what the fuck 😃

cr: @humanitieswalkingredflag 2022 - by reading this you are agreeing to the following - this is my content and you will not copy it to any other websites - I do not own any of the characters, however I do own the work I write - I do not profit off of this content

[plaguethewaters]

@thetiredyuk i am having more Thoughts about that one - ranboo is the sone of death beeduo au. I was about to just send you an ask but also this is almost 2k words so it may be better off as a post lmfao

So like. bullet points time, this is an approximate summary of what i think the Plot would be like - wordbuilding aside

(Temporary mcd, suicide warning)

Year like, 1500 something (to be more well researched but i do want it to be like. something something renaissance. it works) we've got two poor ass kids born of the same year. Except tommy is pretty much a normal guy, liked by his family and such. His parents have enough children they can gamble for at least one to be successfull, so they send him to be a painter's apprentice in the hope he'll make some kind of money. There, in the slighter bigger town thats almost a city but not quite, he meets tubbo. Now Tubbo would have been a normal guy, except he was born with facial deformities so now everyone thinks he's a demonic freak hated by the gods (this renaissance world is politheistic bc kristin needs to be there and also i wil not do christianity if i dont have to lmao.)

Tommy is not intimidated by any gods. obviously. also his dad is really into the goddess of death and he prays enough for both of them, so he's like. protected and shite. And he immidiately hits it off with the cursed boy

surprise hes not actually cursed but people are dicks anyways. Tommy makes him a fancy mask to cover his face - even thought its totally cool as shit, but its cool enough only tommy should ever get to see it - and that eventually does help him. Because tubbo wasnt like, a shit guy. Hes a damn good builder and knows how to read, which are talents big enough that the costruction workers for that church out of town are ready to ignore the whole probably cursed thing. As long as he as the masks.

Tommy: makes him the first genuine gift hes ever received in fifteen years of life Tubbo: never takes it off again. like never Tommy: shocked pikachu face

anyways so tommy dies like. super young. They have their fun for a few years but at like seventeen tommy is called to be the artist for this very fancy duke of the town over - and at the start they'r super happy bc that means Money and Food and Roof over your head and shite. its a very good fucking deal.

except the noble is a bastard. His town revolts against him, and when they storm the castle they aren't exactly asking names or faces: tommy gets immidiately like, super destroyed by the crowd, and dies a few minutes later.

Tubbo hears of this like five months later bc its the fifteen hunderds and hes poor.

He does Not take it very well ngl

He goes a bit murdery - basically hes like "im not living without tommy, might as well burn down a village while im at it right, right."

Now ranboo, in all of this, freshly the equivalent of seventeen for an immortal death being, is starting on their training to actually become death- His mom send him on a quaint little village in europe thinking "hey, the most those guys die of is like. malaria. consumption maybe. itll be easy as hell"

And now like two hundred different souls are around him with FIRE written on their foreheads and Ranboo feels distinctly outside of his range, to be really honest.

he steps a couple ethereak planes down just to see what the heck is the matter - if this is another of those voide beings his mom will be Super Pissed and they want to see that reaction

And it isnt the void people

Instead, in front of their eyes, the singular most beautiful person hes ever seen - and hes seen lots, in this line of work.

He cant see their face, but their actions speak enough. The sheer rage, the almost dance like movement of their body perfectly framed by the light of their torch, seeing no humanity or mercy in whatever their searching for. their hair look angelic in its softness, burnt by the worst flames of hell and yet tended by the same hands who wield it - strong hands, clearly forged by hard work and dedication. This is a guy who has nothing to lose, and there's little Death loves most than someone who doesnt fear it.

He has to go down, has to speak to them immidiately.

So he does.

There's really no time - his mom had given the singular rule not to interact with humans, shell be on them in Seconds- but one question can be asked in the haste: "What brings a mortal to do this?"

"It's all for you, love!" the mortal says. They also say some other things, after, but Ranboo is not very well versed in the human tongue and they are speaking Very Loudly.

(Tubbo actually said "Fuck you, you motherfucker it's Your Fault, you took every single thing i love". Easy mistake, if one thinks about it.)

Their mom is Pretty Pissed but she does undesrtand stupid things done for young love. So she's like "eh, ive loved mortals too. go have fun" and everything

Except a year passes, and ranboo still hasnt even spoken to the guy, and she remembers suddenly Mortality Exists.

Shes never had them take a soul who died naturally - for lack of occasion, mostly - and they may have been. a tad sheltered. They most definitely do Not know what death actually is like for humans, nor how long does it take for them to die

she wonders if it would be a tad overprotective to take this over for them

she thinks about seventy years in the future, at most, when the boy dies. She thinks that her son cannot cry but can definitely cry. she thinks of their screams of sadness ringing through her ears-

Tubbo wakes up in the river, alive.

He did not Intend to be alive, and it's actually quite unfortunate for him to be so.The survivors are quite angry and probably close to him, now. Welp, no way to die is reallt any worse than another, he thinks. Ill just wait here for them.

When the pitchfork collapses his heart and he continues breathing, he understands something might be a little bit wrong.

And like, a good five hundred years pass like this.

Things Tubbo has learned in his five hundred, twenty three and two halves years on this demon forsaken earth:

Clothes get so much shittier over time. he has One (1) tailored shit from the 1800 and Nothing has even barely compared to it ever since.

getting stabbed does not hurt less just because youre not actually dying. Poisoning is actiively way worse since you're not actually dying. Diving off cliffs is Not Fun. In general, try not to do dying things even if youre immortal

theres a hole in his heart where his loved ones were and it will never get filled

Food gets esponentially better over time. Lord bless whoever decided curry should go on chicken because they were Cooking For Real. Chocolate was still better before though.

Working for soulles bosses has not changed At All in all of this time tho.

he works at mcdonalds because no college would accept his non existant resume, and being immortal dosent deprive him of his needs unfortunately. The manager took one look at this kid dressed from like three different centuries with a goat mask on his head and was like. why not. at least youre not a stoner and you know how to read.

His coworkers firmly believe hes a criptid and have a full going investigation to prove it. The highest bet at fifty dollars says hes mothman in disguise, there to eat the fliest that live on their shitty food. The lowest bets hes an angel waiting for the right time to brign down armageddon.

Every night he goes in the woods to an almost forgotten Death altar and he prays. Half of his prayers consist of insults and the other half are pleas for her to fucking kill him already

This does not help the criptid chronicles

Kristin also has like. only so much patience. Hes holding up the prayers line - which is actually still pretty fucking used in central asia - and hes generally annoying as shit.

She takes ranboo by the scruff, gives them a passable human form, and throws them down there. Get your shit together boy youre like a thousand years old. Get your man (to stop fucking with the phoneline)

Ranboo is Not Enthusiastic about this but cmon. Hes death. How hard can working at a mac really be?

Spoiler it is

Spoiler it does Not matter, because awkwardness aside ranboo is funny, and easy to talk to, and compassionate and caring. He doesnt want to kill tubbo, he doesnt look at him like hes a fictional creature (and yes marcie, hes seen the bet table), he isnt his soulless boss. Tubbo is grieving but he also very desperstely wants a friend.

One day someone stops at his shitty apartment at like three am

Ranboo stands in fron of his door drenched from head to toe, holding the possibly smallest kitten tubbo has ever seen in his Life. Hes miserable but the cat is miracoulously dry, screaming their head off - and ranboo is panicking. Are they okay are they dying? Do you have any food i dont know what he eats but its so small and i didnt know where else to go- please i dont want it to die or something and-

The moon shines on their long, wet hair and their stupid fucking suit is as wrinkled as ever. They look like they desperately want to rub their hands against each other but there is a kitten in the way and it probably makes them even more anxious - theres very little messes bigger than him, right now.

Tubbo falls in love.

They heal the kitten and keep enderchest in their now shared apartment.

They grow closer, and closer, and something is forming. Ranboo is aware a relationship cannot be based on lies, as much as it worries him how tubbo will react.

so he prepares like a romantic ass evening

roses and candles and a nice dinner with a fancy wine

tubbo almost gets flustered

except at the end of the night the confession isnt "i love you" but "im the guy who took away your only ffamily".

and he sees Red.

Ranboo doesnt remember what tubbo screamed, not exactly. He remembers grief, and crying, and feeling worse than he ever believed he could. He remembers the endless guilt sitting in his chest, and the slam of a door - maybe from the inside out. Hes definitely outside, now, and the house ifìs far away enough eh cant see it, but that could also be the tears.

His mother finds him crouched in a patch of grass, tears steaming down their cheeks in a constant flow. Shes not aware if they'd returned to death form to feel safer, or because they believed they deserved the burn. Shes not sure what option makes her feel worse.

shes aware that this is. pretty much her fault

TO HER DEFENSE she was not really aware humans were so touchy about death. The souls she reaps arent very talkative and the guy shes with is chill about it so like. maybe this one is weird

(the guy she's with is Phil, whos Decidly not a human but has also decided not to tell her yet. For the bit, yknow? He's been a live a couple thousand years, it would be awkward to drop it now. He's also somewhat a serial killer and Not Normal about death At All)

BUt this is still here fault and she does have to set it right a little bit

So she summons Tubbo to her persnoal room in the palace and goes like. "oi. why r u so mad little guy"

And hes like: you took away the single person whos ever loved me ever

"Wait that's the only problem?"

"What the fuck else would it be"

"thought u were mad at him cause he lied lol"

"LYING IS NOT WORSE THAN KILLING A GUY"

Anyways Kristen is so relieved rn. She thought tubbo was phisically like, repulsed by the concept of death and all, and he was mad that Ranboo lied to him and all. Which he is, but the rage is so so much less than the grief yknoe. And she knows how to fix it if its just one (1) measly soul

Tommy is so fucking confused

Th modern world is full of sounds and weird textures and the food is fucking fantastic but also Too Much, and Tubbo introduced him to this weird ass potion hed called a bong and now hes seeing gods the likes of which had never been discoveres

Over all hes just happy to be alive and with his best friend

He kinda hates ranboo. The fucker threw a scyte at him for no reason when tommy would have Almost Certainly survived because he is simply That Cool. Ranboo didn't believe in his awesomeness enough and is thus a Bitch

Tubbo is. iffy

He cant deny he has a teensy tiny crush now, because hes far too deep in this for that

But also ranboo did like. lie straight to his face

but also tubbo would Not have believed him if a random guy showed up at three am at a mcdonalds saying they were the child of death

and he Did trust that what he saw in ranboo was real, betrayal aside. No one fakes looking That much like a wet cat

so it does take a while. couple years in fact, to get back at the level of trust they had before (inster a cool anime montage where they have lots of fun together as roommates and cats coparents and all)

One night when they are - not back together, because they hadnt been dating before, but back to that almost definitely dating just not officialized stage- ranboo asks him if would ever want to be mortal again.

And tubbo thinks of it. His time on earth had been so plagued by grief hed never really ecperienced anything it had to offer. Hed never seen the sights or did anything at all besides praying for death, and thats kind of a shitty way to pass five hundred years

'But tubbo what about your humanity? wouldnt it be irrevocabily lost by giving awau something so fundamentally human as death" someone would ask. And tubbo would anser "ehh who cares"

He hasnt been fully human since hes burned that whole village down, anyway. And he likes the benefits of this life more than whateer moral superiority a Normal human would have over him

just-

"and tommy too, obviously. I get the feeling you dont like him dead" Ranboo jokes.

There's no decision at all then. Fuck yeah, immortal boyfriend and immortal brother what more could a fucker want.

They get to cause chaos on earth and probably kill a bunch of rich people for a long long time

the end :)

Im like. very tentatively calling this Deathless Death, in the vane hope that i will write something for this better thant bullet points. But for now bullet points it is

[onlyseokmins]

strawberry & cream • k.m.g.

Pairing: kim mingyu x fem!reader

Genres: smut (minors dni!), "established" undefined relationship (?)

Warnings: alcohol, swearing, delayed orgasm (m), subby!gyu technically yeah uh huh, he's pussy whipped okay, lots of baby/good boy, lowkey i'm crying, consensual video recording/nude pictures taken, cumming inside wheee, mild aftercare!! lmk if i missed anything :)

WC: ~3k

A/N: I finally posted smth!! Was thinking of one of the dialogues in class last week lmfao and this is what happened. I'm procrastinating on everything else bc i'm unhappy w/ how they've been turning out but this one isn't too bad... turned out longer than i thought and i even made a quick banner ehehe 🤞🏻 enjoy ~

"You look like you've never felt the touch of a real man."

It's a comment that would have pissed you off if a stranger dared to say it to you. But you know who this tall drink of water is so you agreeably play along. First, taking a sip from the golden liquor swirling in your glass before smirking.

"How observant of you to pick up the fact that I prefer the company of women. They're lovely, kind, beautiful… " Your pointer finger extends to tap against tan skin exposed by the black dress shirt's two unfastened buttons. You lean in close to the tall man as your nail lightly draws circles causing him to groan. "And so soft and supple."

You pull away the minute Mingyu's eyelashes flutter shut when he breathes in the scent of the familiar perfume you're wearing. 

"Unlike you."

Chocolate brown eyes snap back open at your comment but you've already disappeared from his sight. Easily navigating through the crowded dance floor, the gyrating bodies grooving to the catchy techno beat naturally part for you to make your way through.

A large hand wraps around your wrist right before you arrive at the open center. You're swift to hide your knowing smile before he spins you around to face him, sweat glistening on his brow. It doesn't surprise you that Mingyu finds it difficult to move as lithely as you. Although tonight, it just might be the fastest time record he's found you.

"You were quick."

It's a chase and it's a game. Not the way one might think. Even with such a tall figure staring into your eyes, it's you who holds the upper hand. Like a cat tricks a mouse into thinking its escape and safety are secured, you let Mingyu play his cards like he has the winning royal flush.

Unlike a rodent, though, he very well knows to not have a false sense of security. He's well aware of who has the control. You.

But that doesn't mean he'll give in easily.

"Didn't let anyone catch me."

"Atta boy."

He preens under your praise. Mingyu's approachable. Despite his devilishly handsome features, one goofy smile is enough to put anyone at ease. Convince them to talk him up, thinking they might score a chance. But ever since this little "thing" between the two of you started, when that sly glint in your eyes lured him right where you wanted, he's gotten more efficient at blowing people off. 

Just to be the lucky one to have you.

You wish you could be annoyed or tired of him. Content to flirt with one of the many other pretty women and men vying to get your attention. But once again, it seems like you'll be going home with your little brother's best friend.

Warm hands roam your body. Eager to nudge his thigh between yours, you can feel the pleased grumble in his chest under your palms. He likes your outfit. Fingers tease at the large open slits around your waist, hooking underneath the silver double chain that decoratively runs across your hip bones. He tugs up questioningly and raises his eyebrows at the saucy wink you send him.

"Lace and beads," you challenge, "or nothing on at all?"

Mingyu wrinkles his forehead in thought, biting his lip at the faint detection of something hard amidst the heat of your cunt pressing into his thigh. "Fuck, you're dirty."

"What's your guess?"

"What do I get if I'm right?"

"Shouldn't you be asking what's the punishment going to be if you're wrong?"

"I'm sure I'll like it either way."

The disco lights blur when he spins you again, the narrow tip of your heels almost make you lose your balance if he didn't have such a steadfast hold on you. Like he'd let you go on his own accord. If possible, he presses the back of your body even tighter against his firm body so you can feel how much he wants you. Not that it's hard to miss, tight pants almost unable to contain such thick thighs, well-shaped ass, and specifically his dick bulge — especially when it's straining against its leather confines.

"Naughty boy."

"Says the one that always looks so fuckable every time we meet," his tongue plays with the tiny hoop on the upper part of your ear. "So goddamn sexy."

"Bet if I told you to, you'd take out your dick for me right now. Slip it right inside of me in front of all these people."

The change in music drowns out his reply but you can easily tell what it is by the desperate roll of his hips. Like a puppy in heat, he grinds pathetically against the thin blue material covering your body searching for some semblance of relief.

You snake an arm behind his neck to grab at the fluffy locks he's growing out because he knows you like to pull at it. Mingyu readily brings his lips to your neck to lather you in hot, open-mouthed kisses. Throwing your head back against his shoulder and swaying to the beat, he continues to casually explore. Wandering hands move upwards, appreciating the access to your midriff above the high waistband. 

Brushing underneath the swell of your chest, you hear his frustrated moan at the crisscrossed laces just barely stretching enough fabric to cover your breasts. His brain goes fuzzy with the thought of one light tug freeing those gorgeous tits. The only thing holding him back from doing exactly that is the not-so-subtle gaze of the pretty woman that's been keeping her eye on the two of you moving around the dance floor. 

Who she wants is uncertain. Maybe both? The two of you are trying to blend in, acting as if you're not about to tear each other's clothes off right now. A fleeting glance and you probably look like the average dancers surrounding you but a steady, piercing gaze is enough to figure out the undeniable sexual tension between the two of you.

"And you say you're not naughty, Mr. Kim."

He knows you can read him like an open book. "Only for you, god… you know the things you do to me. You alone. But fuck, is this a one-piece?"

"Yeah, you like it?"

"'Course I do, how could I not? But how am I supposed to take it off? I like you better naked, after all."

"Who says you'll be the one taking it off?" Your aloof tone makes him whine and you chuckle. "Luckily, I know a very efficient way to undress."

"Gonna give me a hint?"

Mingyu knows you've started to pay zero attention to any flirtatious gazes when you're in his arms. Which is why he refuses to let go. But of course, you have other plans. You pry one of his hands away from your waist, interlocking your fingers together. Once his grip loosens enough, you step away from his warmth and firm body. Keeping your hand in his, you turn to face him and tilt your head.

"Your answer?"

Brown eyes sparkle mischievously as he weighs his options on how to answer the initial question asked. Your patience will grow thin if you have to wait any longer so he makes up his mind with a toothy grin. 

"Bet you have nothing covering that pretty pussy of yours."

Mingyu lets himself be willingly yanked forward by the hand you're still holding. His lips collide with yours and he's quick to brush his tongue across your lips, asking for entry. You hum in contemplation once you feel his hands wander down to squeeze at your ass and press your pubic bone roughly against his bulge. Your mouth opens slightly, enough so your tongue can poke out and tangle with his. It's a battle he's suddenly determined not to lose as he fights and wrestles against your dominance in his overeagerness.

You press a hand against his pectoral to try and steady him so he doesn't knock you over and feel his heart beating at a rapid pace. Pulling away, you shake your head at the way he chases after your lips. 

"You're awfully bold for someone who knows their answer is wrong."

"I love kissing you," Mingyu admits more to himself than you yet you catch it anyway. It had taken months for even a peck on the cheek to be allowed. Of course, he'd be delighted with whatever few opportunities he's granted to lavish you in and with a kiss or more.

"Savor it now, baby boy 'cause you won't get another chance tonight."

He's elated, smiling at you and puffing out his chest. Eyes darkening with a carnal desire at the strawberry and cream flavor he can taste with a swipe of his tongue over his own lips. Grateful that you said "for tonight", not forever. A thumb daringly smears the complementary lip tint even further from where it's smudged and escapes the desirable shape of your mouth.

"Oh, I look forward to whatever you have planned."

—

Mingyu lowkey regrets those words an hour later when his cock is still achingly hard — oozing precum that's dripping down the entire angry red length and coating his abs. He wishes he could let his mind wander to ward off the orgasm that's been denied its release but that's impossible with you in his vicinity.

Naked. On top of him. Fuck.

You'd shown him how effortlessly you could take off a difficult clothing set. To know one's surprise, you were the one who taught him how to effectively unclasp a bra with one flick. Obviously, anyone would easily shed their clothes to have a chance with Kim Mingyu, so you figured it wasn't that big of a deal.

But guiding a man on how best to pleasure their partner was no small feat. Although the man only cared to focus on what pleased you.

Of course, it was torturing him. Duh.

Even now, the thought of you simply undressing has his jaw tensing. No one should look that good getting naked. But it's you. Doing it for him. 

"Shit!" he rasps out through clenched teeth.

"Aw, what's wrong, Gyu? Wanna cum already?"

"N-no."

"That's right, I didn't give you permission yet. Good boy."

He's panting, trying to keep his senses together but they're so dizzyingly saturated with everything that's you. 

The flashbacks.

When you'd loosened the laces and let your tits bounce out from their binds, putting on a little show for him per his request. Squeezing them together and releasing before bending over to show off the round curve of your ass and the pretty little thong you had on. Lace, chains, and beads in all the right places he'd felt earlier, you knew you could wear fancier lingerie without him ripping it because Mingyu wasn't allowed to touch.

The present.

His hands are gripping the sheets so tightly they might rip but both of you could care less about a hotel's bedding. Veins lining his arms pop out in irritation as he struggles to rein in how much he wants to touch you, knowing you let him get his fill out on the dancefloor and you'll more than likely let him cum faster if he's well-behaved.

The visuals.

You're gliding back and forth on top of his dick, not sheathing it fully inside you. Alternating between jerking him off with your hand instead while you sit on his thighs so he can feel your slick arousal all over them. He's doing so good for you and you're pleased. You'd already cummed once, making sure to slip just the tip in so he loses his mind over how tight you clench around him for kicks and giggles.

He was not beneath begging for you, knowing you thrived off of it. It would be a lie to say it didn't stroke your ego to have such a big, broad, beautiful man fall apart and break into pieces for you. He might've even cried, definitely feeling his eyes water in desperation now. You love it.

So much that you dismount, turning your back as you reach for your phone on the nightstand. Mingyu moans without shame but this one's out of despair. He'd rather be denied any release from the immense pleasure you've subjugated him to than ignored.

"Hush, baby boy, I just want to capture how pretty you look for me. That's okay, right?" 

"Will you let me cum? I wanna cum so bad. Pretty please?" Hips jutting up at the chill in the air making his dick uber sensitive as it flops pathetically against his stomach. "Please, please, please!" 

His "pleases" trail off into a mumbled mess of plaintive begs, big brown eyes pleading. You purse your lips in sympathy when he sniffles, shifting so you can run your hand through his bangs and then cup his flushed cheek.

"Shh, I'll let you cum baby, I will. But you know I need you to answer me." Taking pictures was already established between the two of you ��� both having your fair share of candid polaroids and videos stored away. But it was still a vulnerable decision and you wanted his clear consent. "Want to hear it from this mouth of yours."

Your thumb traces Mingyu's plump upper lip the same way he did to you earlier. Although you don't hesitate to slip it inside. He readily sucks on your finger and closes his eyes, using it as an anchor to stabilize his breathing and try to clear the haze clouding his senses.

"Y-yeah… Go ahead."

"Good boy, see that wasn't so hard." You snap a few pictures, eating up how good his dewy skin looks under the lighting. You're kind enough to not leave him wanting for too long, finally returning to wrapping your hand around his leaking cock. "Unlike this bad boy."

"'M sorry."

"Don't apologize, you're a vision to behold, Mingyu," you scold seriously. "And never forget that."

"Oh… kay."

"You deserve to cum don't you, baby? Sorry for making you wait so long." You both know you're full of shit. You're not sorry. "Well-behaved boys deserve their rewards, I'll even film a good shot of when you cum — you decide where so you can save it for when you're lonely."

"Th-thank you," Mingyu wheezes out when you begin easing his cock between your pussy lips. Achingly you start to sink down, light spasms causing your hole to ripple delightfully around the full stretch of his girth.

"As long you don't cum until I say so or you'll end up licking it off the bed."

He's so tense you're starting to fear he could tear the mattress. Consolingly, you bring his large hands up to your breasts, encouraging him to squeeze and tug at them as he pleases. Like his favorite set of stress balls, he focuses on kneading them in a way that has you arching your back and causing you to fully sheathe him inside faster.

Sometimes Mingyu can win in the smallest of ways.

You let out paired sighs of relief when the bottom of your ass meets his thighs. "Where do you wanna cum, baby?"

"Inside, god please, inside!"

He babbles helplessly at the sensual way you swivel your hips but you know he can't hold on much longer and want to ensure your puppy man gets his much-needed relief. "Your wish is my command."

The guttural noise he lets out is followed by an incoherent gibberish of him thanking you as he starts to paint your inner walls white with his release. It's a long one that lasts spurt after spurt with an enormous amount of tension unloading from his entire body. You ride him through it, the pleasant way he's twitching inside you setting off your own climax and milking all that he's worth.

You're quicker to recover, obviously. Tilting your phone camera at the perfect angle, you press the red recording button and slowly move your hips up. He grumbles at the loss of your warmth but you coo at him, fingers tapping soothingly where you've braced your hand against his abs for some support.

"Look how good you filled me up, Gyu." You're speaking more to the future Mingyu that will definitely be watching this but the Mingyu now is still listening. "Such a good boy."

He whines at the view he can see, the way globs of his release ooze out of your cunt at every clench you make for show. It's dirty and sinful which is your strongest suit. You save the video and send it to him once you're satisfied, noticing the way his eyelids are starting to droop.

Shaky legs carry you to the bathroom. You return with a washcloth, making sure to be very gentle wiping him down. He shifts onto his side when you've finished and extends his arm over the spot beside him, a silent invitation for you to crawl under the covers you pulled up over his broad shoulders.

And of course, you do. Well aware of how much he likes to cuddle and cling. Mingyu's a needy man all over and a large part of you feels guilty at being unable to give him what he deserves the most.

But he keeps this game going, continually showing up at every bar or club you inform your brother you're stopping by. You're not sure if you hate it or like it. You've left many openings for him to slip away and yet the man doesn't — only insisting on getting even closer. 

Not even the cold, empty side of where you laid next to him as he fell asleep is enough to discourage him. You see, you're not wrong but Mingyu's not simply needy. He's stubborn too. 

A dreamy grin graces his face at the sight of your trademark pink post-it note left on the nightstand for him. It never says much of any substance but it's not like he bothers reading it. He presses a kiss against the lip stain you always leave on it, breathing in the tantalizing strawberry and cream scent he knows so well that emanates from it. Then he slips it alongside the many others in his wallet. Right next to his favorite nude picture of you and the expired, unused condom from the first night he tumbled into bed with you.

onlyseokmins: October 2022 ©

Personal Taglist: @aceofvernons @joshibambi @junhui-recs @pandorashbox @rubyscoups @woozluv @yeosayang @dejavernon @httpswonwoosglasses @noraehey @charcharfairy @buffhoshi @horanghae8star @onlymingyus

[macabremoons]

Funky Little Tag Game

Name of the game: I will start off the tag game tagging a couple of people, giving a basic premise for the story, and a starting point. From there each person who participates must add a 300-1.5k bit of writing and add something to the world. For example, you can add a new character, a new element to the magic system (if we make one), or a new place in the world. Try to keep your ideas expandable! Oh, and be sure to reblog the post you are replying to. That way it's easier to follow along! Let's see if this works, and if not we can always try again LMFAO.

Tagging (super big no pressure tagging): @aziz-reads, @wrenofthewords, @halfbit, @leisoree, @thesoftestofpetals, @lyra-brie

Premise: Everyone has those dreams that they thought were real, but as Quinn wakes up in from a nightmare, he can't shake the feeling that this one actually was. The only issue? He died in his dream.

Addition: Vampires (we knew it was coming shush)

Tws: panic attack, vomiting, death, injury

Fatal Dreams

The scent of blood clings onto Quinn’s nostrils as he tosses himself out of bed and onto the floor.  

His fingers find his throat, pressing against it as if a desperate question: is he dead? He knows, he knows, the answer is no. He’s breathing, though on the edge of hyperventilation. He’s shaking on the floor like he’s coming down from a high. Quinn has to be alive, but he can’t shake the feeling that he isn’t anymore.

His fingers find a pulse, and he lets out a startled laugh. Quinn crumbles to his floor, exhausted ironically from sleeping and nearly delirious. He laughs harder than he has in awhile, to the point it hurts his throat. As the laugh leaves him, he stays on his floor, still, as if he can’t believe it. 

He’s fine. He’s going to be okay.

He wipes the tears from his eyes and gets up. He takes one of his discarded blankets and wraps it around his shoulders. There’s no way he’s going back to bed, so he might as well find some way to calm himself down and then watch youtube videos until sunrise. 

Quinn tiptoes into the kitchen. If his mother hadn’t heard him hysterically laughing, he doesn’t want to wake her up now. He gingerly opens the fridge, and takes out the orange juice that expired yesterday and pours himself a tall glass. He regrets taking such a large sip because he gags once the tate reaches him. It’s so sweet he feels like he’s just shoved sugar into his mouth. He places the glass down with a bit more force than necessary. 

The minute the drink properly settles in his stomach, he feels it drop. He’s up in an instant running towards the bathroom. He reaches the toilet bowl at the very right moment. As Quinn retches, he can’t help but think that this will certainly awake his mother. He can’t bring himself to care. His head is spinning and he feels cold all over. He swears that food poison takes hours to kick in, but maybe this time it’s decided just to fuck with him.

Quinn whips his mouth with a bit of tissue before rinsing his mouth in the sink. This night is more of a nightmare than his stupid dream. He looks into the mirror and nearly cringes at the dull eyes that meet him. His eyes move down and then—

No.

No, there’s no fucking way.

On his neck lies a bite mark: the exact way he died in his dream. 

[unproduciblesmackdown]

an/other thing/s, Of Course

rifling through things again going like "oh yeah, That" & "hmm making connections. great work, me" & "huzzah forgot that entirely / what a delight as always to revisit things" & Pointing these couple times

reminded of wondering "wait did another sibling die in infancy or are they always just out of frame, infantly. or is their mom coincidentally babysitting at the moment" and in a real feat was like alright a wiki sure might have these answers, i'll open it & look things up. indeed telling me an infant hannah was a sibling, died. then going "oh right you're telling me What lmfaooo" re: the wiki's timeline asserting that Mordecai's First Murder(tm) was four years before the fleeing on a train incident?? murder of "opportunism and revenge" like What is going on there lmao, a lot at once, apparently. providing more of a quote that i'm just taking for granted Exists rather than perhaps have to wayback cited sources: "He extorted money from someone who had previously worked for and who had, in a way, betrayed him and indirectly cost his already depleted family a great deal. What he managed to get from this individual was a frustrating pittance, though, so believing himself to be smarter and more capable, he murdered him and took his place as a relatively minor player in a larger criminal network. He used the to position to embezzle money from higher-ups, at first to make up for what was lost and later, because he could. Eventually, inevitably, he got caught." that little Mystery Solving thing where you sure just don't have enough info until you do lmao like What! out here going "starts as a bookkeeper. probably does some embezzling wuh oh" like no way am i inferring "yeah but also previously worked for, indirectly kind of betrayed by some bookkeeper, Got His Ass i.e. killed and replaced him like hello yes it's me, That Guy? working remotely? what Comedy played out in replacing him lmfao and Then embezzles and Then gets in trouble for that" like hello!!! amazing. another win for looking things up ever after all.

which does kind of ramp things up, also. figured "i do remember mordecai's dad died at some point in his childhood & the entire poor tenement living conditions issue & combining that & general socioeconomicpolitical factors it's like well yeah sure so he gets into bookkeeping for perhaps less than legitimate(tm) enterprises, does some less than Definitely Not Embezzling" was motivation for things enough, sure, then like oh uh hello murder years before fleeing??? but add in a sibling dying for increased sense of insecurity and some kind of especial acute crisis specifically uponst this family by some specific party Fucking Around like ah right sure. doling the Finding Out and more broadly being in tempestuous situations always from some point onwards, gotcha.

and well the only thing about the little atlas & mordecai photograph is "oh right i forgot there was that photograph of these two" and the other remarkable point being like, can't really think of another time mordecai is ever shown so Wide Eyed in a "neutral" mode of being. rather than elevatedly bothered, whether at the level of "quite unsettled &/or irritated" or the level quite above that of "trying to kill someone before they kill him and it's extra tricky / urgent" which is very neat of him (to shift o_o mode for that, namely. thank you mordecai for the Drama as always. real [!] visuals) and it's like, maybe it's to cue his being younger? sure has real I'm Baby design, even with also "yeowch. sharp" and resting bitch face design, additionally. complimentary. was gonna be like "sure don't know when it was taken or how quickly this particular of the job was further presented to him, but maybe it's about having a few dozen fewer kills under his belt or something. but like damn never mind even getaway train mordecai was like been there, ["you son of a bitch i told you i'd do it. you're next (i'm referring to a specific post edit lmao. but you can imagine)"]'d that....still perhaps several dozen fewer kills and, you know, kind of a wash to consider the specifics beyond that when it's like sure maybe that'd make him look unhappier in pictures or maybe there's reaching the point of having to adjust to that new norm here. rather than that even with motivation, probably baby's first murder is more difficult than the implicit second through fourth required to Not Be Killed himself. or maybe not. much to consider; all speculative. maybe it's another impromptu unexpected snapshot. maybe he's glad to take a pic with just atlas &/or doing so feels more like a Portrait & this is still his Portrait Face. presumably he wouldn't have had many, or any at all, taken in years. and atlas mustering half a half smile like another giddily joyful day with the boys

[alluralater]

random post at 5am. haven’t slept but i had a great night!

it’s actually… very strange that now i’ve cut the love of my life out of my life, everyone they hate or dislike or had problems with are just like introducing themselves to me at random times. it’s also making me feel more confident in my decision. i say love of my life because that’s who they are to me and that’s unfortunately the very extreme truth. tonight though i went through a slight ethical dilemma in which someone i knew from high school had come up to me (yet again at the bar). i think i just partially feel like weird about it because there’s an age difference AND this girl has literally made out with said love of my life in front of me, which didn’t put me off at all. just was strange in a fascinating way watching the person who loved me use certain techniques on someone else that they’d used on me. shit would still work actually lmfao. but anyways okay, so i saw her in high school and thought she was cute but i wasn’t like into her that way whatsoever because i was busy fucking around too much. so this girl literally pointed me out in the bar over the summer to the loml and was like “i know her!” and proceeds to talk me the fuck up and say how she knows we never interacted or talked but she always looked up to me and liked me. so okay- now i see this cute motherfucker all the time. i actually know their older sister but not well (we follow each other on ig after a night of drunken slutty club grinding and have the occasional convo when we see each other lmfao). their sister is like considerably older than me though so there’s no high school overlap there at all. all this to say- i would feel weird fucking someone who looks at me with such admiration?? like even through the hotness in her eyes when she’s looking at me, i can still see that she just likes me a lot as a person which makes me feel weird. it truly doesn’t help matters that she’s entirely and completely my fucking type. the thing i liked about her when we went to school together was that she has these gorgeous eyes. so dark and lively. her voice is this yummy type of low. tonight when i was out, i ended up wanting to go outside for a bit and took my friends with me and when i turn she’s standing near to our table and she calls my name. i kinda brushed her off and made it more about like “you can have our table! we’re gonna head outside for a few!” and she looked SO crestfallen. like jesus fucking christ- don’t show me someone with dark brown eyes like this because it kills me. my friends were like “she clearly wanted to talk more with you, what are you doing??” and like dude what am i SUPPOSED to do? just put my lips on her lips and hope i don’t feel immediately guilty for entering an ethical gray area for me?? i’d much rather swallow glass than have a guilty conscience and that’s how i’ve lived my entire life?? she was watching me outside the bar too, maybe hoping to catch my eyes so she could start up a convo. i just acted like i didn’t see her. she’s 21 or 22 and i just really don’t know about all the rest in terms of her having looked up to me. anyways- i might follow her on ig and see what comes of it (because someone tonight randomly told me to live more and think less??). god honestly i need to dump the full tea from this whole night because it was a rollercoaster for ya girl. but i’ll do that with my actual friends lmfao

[shrimpmandan]

Ngl with the amount of antis who interact with my works or end up following me on social media I’m REALLY losing my empathy for when they freak out about proshippers following/interacting with them. Like. Why the fuck am I putting in all this effort to unfollow and block antis, checking for DNIs and signs of discomfort so I can respect their boundaries, when 90% of the time they don’t do the same? I can understand not checking everyone who follows YOU, but following others? Not even a brief check? Does there need to be a giant neon glowing sign for them to take the hint?

I still tend to unfollow/unmutual antis, if not hardblock them depending on how bad they are, but it’s really fucking funny how quickly they’ll victimize themselves for being in the proximity of a proshipper that they themselves followed and who doesn’t really keep it a secret. In a weird way I’ve started taking pride in the antis who leave kudos on my AO3 and shit. I don’t owe ‘em shit, I don’t consider practically anyone on social media to be a friend outside of Discord, I lose nothing for them fucking off or sticking around at the end of the day. If they end up throwing a hissyfit over what other content I write in my own time that’s their problem lmao.

Though I really should write more problematic Cuphead fics. Might get some of them to take the hint. For as much as I love TCS, I’m really beginning to miss the Cuphead game era of fandom where seeing problematic content was pretty common place, even if 2016-2018 was the peak of stupid cringe culture content online. I think that was my first exposure to Cupmug/Cupcest actually lmfao. Adult YouTubers pointing and laughing at it and calling it ‘cringe’, blasting it in front of their knowingly underage fanbase because cringe content was majority consumed by dumb preteens. Funny how that works out eh?

Side note: Calamug, Devilcup, and Devilmug were all also decently popular ships back in 2017. Devildice was still easily the biggest, but do not fucking think there weren’t HEAPS of toxic fics about ‘em. Everyone knew they were at least a little fucked up and unhealthy. Boss and employee is a power dynamic. Hot power dynamic, yes, but one regardless. The hypocrisy in this fandom is hilaaarious.

Anyways. I’ll get around to Ch 2 of Don’t Stop Singing eventually. It’s still in the works. I’m just frankly exhausted with the current state of the Cuphead fandom, though I guess at the absolute least most of the cesspit is contained to Twitter. Not to say there aren’t antis on here, but there’s way less. I can deal with muting people on AO3 if it means I can enjoy myself in peace. Granted, after I post ch 2 of that fic, I’ll probably move on to another fandom for some time. Again: not that I don’t enjoy Cuphead still, just kind of tired. I’m still eager to hear more news, but if we don’t get a new season, then. Oh well I guess. At least I can take solace in the fact that none of the folks that worked on the show particularly care about this stupid internet shit-- Dave Wasson and Grey DeLisle interacting with/outright shipping Chadice respectively, DD also interacting with both proshippers and antis amicably. It’s just suffocating as an actual writer and fancreator being mostly unable to engage with the fandom (or most fandoms tbqh) without putting up a bunch of emotional barriers.

I didn’t even get hit with harassment as heavily as some other proshippers in the fandom. Won’t name anyone in particular of course, but I’ve watched people get bullied off the platform while antis gloated after the fact. I was harassed by a popular fanartist who STILL interacts with my works and the most amicable assumption is just that he doesn’t know it’s me. I got the LEAST bad harassment, but that required me putting up all these emotional barriers and blocking like half of the fandom.

All so I can not worry about possibly being harassed. Possibly. And it’s so fucking tiring to have to do all the time, but I refuse to abandon my values just because it’d be ‘easier’. No amount of not labeling myself as proship would change the fact that I like and have both written and consumed problematic content for well over a decade. And I would not give it up for the fucking world, because I think as someone who went through utter HELL in real life, that if nothing else I should GET to express what that did to my brain instead of censoring it for a bunch of internet nobodies who don’t truly care for someone like me to begin with. It’s a lot easier to burn out on fandom when you both can’t make friends, and also don’t want to, because the first time you tried you got harassed.

I’m eternally grateful for the other proshippers and neutrals in the fandom. Keep on chuggin’.

[wqxianvents]

// CONTAINS COMMENTARY AND PICTURES OF TEARS OF THEMIS NEW EVENT: “ENDURING LIGHT.”

This is only the Prologue section I talk about in this one, aha and I ALRWDY HAVE SM TO TALK ABTR

first of all, another group event of course, you love to see it and they’re being dorks but in a cooler way already 💃 also btw happy new year!! hope it’s been treating y’all well already :]<3

okay so i’m going into this event basically being sus of everyone at this point LMAO, i don’t even trust our boys tbh - anything could happen and i’m excited! everytime there’s a big event i always am like “ugh… not another one i have to drain energy into and it isn’t even that interesting” (respectfully). like the last one on the train? i didn’t really care much about it, the only things that interested me were nxx being all up on eachother (exaggerating)

basically i prepare myself to be disappointed, which might sound messed up but tbh the events have only been hittin recently (for me) because of the fact that they’re not having nxx be at eachother’s throats lol. (not saying the past ones weren’t good though and that none of the recent ones were a miss bc again, i didnt fully enjoy the train event)

this one already had me though 😭 got me gagged, the ui is so fucking cool - the card system?? the OUTFITS make me wanna CHOMP my phone (esp luke’s… smth- smth abt it is just. hm, delectable). also baby davis always appearing is so cute his little “hello, miss… uh, i mean, little boss!” LMAO that is my son!!!

ANYGAYS we always have to start off with Marius talking about something going on ‘round town, intended to invite his lovely lady but of course the boys have to interrupt and say hey, where is our invitation??? 🤗 you love to see it

jxjddh “i didn’t ask you guys” LMFAO HE IS SO DONEEE - artem, vyn: “oh really? let me hit you with this comeback. give me my invitation.”, like why are they so angy ARENT YALL RICH? GET YOUR OWN INVITATION 😭😭 i just adore the difference here though like, luke is the one purely excited here and not just “oh, aha, trying to get alone with rosa? how about: no.” but vyn is like 😭 “okay, shit, thanks for the invitation, marius.”

ARTEM MINDING HIS OWN BUSINESS BY HIS COMPUTER AND DECIDING TO INSERT HIMSELF INTO THE CONVERSATIONNN. they’re silly billies.

of course we needed our typical marluke banner 🥺

“Without us, who would you team up with?” did he just call marius friendless or can i also mix that with delulu poly nxx and add a hint of, “bitch who else are you planning to invite? we are RIGHT here” LMFAO

“Luke, are things at work slow lately?” 😭😭😭 i have tears in my eyes u were gonna invite him anyway shut up

i want a group event where the guys don’t butt in just to see if marius invites them anyway HAAHSJS like he just has the stuff ready for the boys just in case they butt in again, but one time they don’t and he’s just confused 😭

kicking my feet, he loves them all dearly. they’re my babies, my lil ol family!!

ANYWAYS… we’re here. Li Hotel 🤨 && again, the wayyy i was entranced with everything omg obsessed obsessed. BY THE WAY i already suspect that the letter-friend is reporter pearce 🤨🤨 don’t ask me for proper reasoning besides the fact that they reveal the letter-friend is a guy LMAO

&& shares the same life goal (wanting to travel around the world) as little boss 😔💜 but who knows…

alright last two things ✨ nxx boys lowkey teasing rosa by being in character HAHAHDJ (NOT ME POSTING THE WEONG PICTURE AND MAKING MYSELF SAD)

same, rosa, same 😭 (and the invitation card?? zoo wee mama- the way that marius was the only one who kept his eyes on rosa thoughhj hejeejnffk GRRR. okay sorry. NAUR and the luke stare 😔 marluke strikes my heart once again!!! WHY IS VYN ALL THE WAY UP THERE BTW)

anyways. last but not least, this isn’t technically apart of the prologue but it’s when Davis takes you on a little tour as always to show you the event and there is one part where you can have discussions with the boys. you click on luke by default but the first conversation option you have, he talks about this:

&& this actually made me tear up pretty bad 😭 then i had a whiplash and went “OHH THE FUCKING CARD” LMFAOO,, LIKE WHY WOULD HYV DO THIS TO ME ���� i love the parallels luke always has with his au cards though ugh, makes me depressed in the right way(??)

like his birthday card (the name is itching my brain, i can’t remember) and in his bday event there was a mirror and sword (i believe) that appeared 😔 now this… sobbing throwing up, do NOT TOUCH ME

ARE YOU TELLING ME HE ACTUALLY DIES IN THE CARD STOOFPFPFDB??? THAT HE DOESN’T SAY HE LOVES HER? WHAT IS THIS. punching the floor. DO THEY ALL DIE? I THOUGHT ARTEM AT LEAST LIVES…. AM I MIXING UP CARDS…. see what this event is doing to me already 😔

ojay. i’m done here, had to write the thoughts out brrr, imma go finish reading the event now 🌚 toodles (unless u can read the vyn spoiler below)

HUGE CARD SPOILERS BELOW: VYN [MEDIEVAL SUSPENSE]

OHHbajdhd and adding on why I’m not trusting anyone - even our boys - in this event is because this event reminds me too much of a card that Vyn has. A group of folks in this card are acting and Vyn’s character ended up being the killer. I won’t leave my thoughts on the card but this is why I’m sus of everyone 😔

[xx-cringe-factory-xx]

Im bored so I am once again talking about stuff I barely understand\d and Im too scared to talk to the hs discord cause it feels like others make me uncomfy cause their fixed morals and actual ability to understand and explain things better than me lmao.

How I see my class and aspect as a thief of void

(alos may talk about lunar sway (mine is prospit leaning), read to find out!!)

woah okay sooo im gonna start with aspect cause that's easier for me to understand and explain why i think it's litterally me.

the voidy stuff!

so the only ways Ive seen void explained is "confusion, unaware, subjectivity" and vague stuff like that whish uh, yeah it's right ig, both light and void are based around their own understanding of things. but it feels like others focus too much on that. void players tend to be confident in what they do understand(or at least I am), even if it may not be a lot or very useful.

cannon examples being: equius with robots, roxy with actually quite a bit(others relationships, the window things, ect.) uhh cant remember any void players lmfao,

also another thing people tend to ignore is that they are hard to understand/ make sense of. once again with equius just overall being veiwed as "oh no, its THAT guy" and roxy just cannonically being imposible to explain/read by dirk. also he never even asked??? so that's part of the issue people dont just ask, most void players would just answer if people asked. like dude??? we dont fucking hide how we feel, its just that others dont even like, put in effort to know. alsowhile im kinda on a tangent about how people dont ask, void players are kinda like "dont ask, dont tell." (haha refference to homophobia) unless they see it as important or relavant. I alos just dont have a lot of oppinions on things that do actually affect me, but that is prolly jsut more of a me thing than void as a whole.

(btw, I am going to take a quick break to go pee before I get into my class, and I will not reread this till after I post it, so I may think of things I wanna change or add, which means i will prolly just be reblogging it everytime i think of somethign knew lmfao)

uh Thevft thievery and tax fraud

(my laptop is overheating slightly, i only have three tabs open)

okay quick thing on why Im not a witch and why I think online quizes keep forcing that apon me with some random ass aspect (THE ASPECT CHANGES ALMOST EVERY TIME :SOB: )

witches tend to not understand that they're doing something wrong/ they just see that what they're doing MIGHT help them, so they do it. they over all do their best to do what they think makes sense without like trying to explain why it makes sense ig(?) witches also dont seem to have many strong oppinions on others outside of every one of their friends is the best, or every one else is either unimportant and does not matter enough to even CONSIDER taking into account when coming up with a possibly confusing plan. while thief's tend to get ahead of themselves they do understand that a complicated plan can go wrong WAY more than a simple one, arvhams razor or whatever.

as explained in the silly brochure thingy that i have spent too much time rereading (lnked on the masterlist thing for classpecting posts in pinned thingy) thief's are also working on higher stakes. focused on an end goal instead of the specifics of what leads us there. which unfortunately leads us to completely ignoring why and who we might've hurt to get us to the end goal. also in the brochure thing it mentioned how thief's work against what they think is how society works (?) (meenah wanting to live on a moon cause of reasons I cant remember, and vriska just in general viewing people as just boring or unimportant) for a thief, theirs them and then theirs everyone else with zero overlap. when a thief get's to close to being like their perception of everyone else they force themselves out of it so it becomes a weird cycle of "woah these people are great" and "these people are making me soft, uhoh gotta fix that"

when in relation to my lunar sway, I'm a prospitian. (woagh) which yikes black and white thinking, and I think i fucking need a good reason for doing things. or at least a reason I think is good. lmao

prospit theif of void(conclusion??)

all together I tend to get uncomfy with people actually understanding and being set on things ESSPECIALLY MORALS. i overall view most people as more mature than me. as in they understand what they view as bad. I like philosophy and the open ended questions that come with it. I'm not really attached to any specific religion or ideas. I do like absurdism on solipsism though. subjectivity is a huge thing for me, it's just that others usually are super strict on what they see as real or true. honestly my only rules/morals for myself are dont hurt others unless it's necessary, and anything is okay as long as you feel good about it and arent ACTUALLY hurting others (as in fuck around and find out, BUT DO NOT ACTUALLY TOUCH OR INTERACT WITH PEOPLE WHO TOUCH REAL KIDS OR ANIMALS YOU SICKF UCK)

anyways uh yeah im a theif of void, i am making all of thisup based on a game thing that didnt even explain it properly in the og webcomic.

I love you (/??) bye

[astro-break]

New hypmic anime season and I'm BACK IN THE FUCKING BUILDING AGAIN (I feel like the Martha I'm coming home sweetie audio)

Thoughts on the 1st ep of Hypmic Rhyme Anima+. Spoilers beware

New plotline lets gooooooo I like that they're straying away from the drama tracks actually, Rhyme Anima is fundamentally a different experience from the core drama tracks which gives new material for both new and old fans OP is an actual banger, Ramuda's verse is the best fight me all you want but you know i'm right Nemu!! uh spoiler chara for anyone new to the anime I guess? Like they spoil her right at the introduction and iirc they didn't really build off her mystery in the first season. Makes her impact here a bit weaker but I'm willing to let it slide since some might not catch it (Post Editing Astro here: I haven't rewatched Rhyme Anima since it finished airing and uh. Nemu definitely was a plot point there lol they dropped it after ep 11 but she was there!) Jyushi my son I love you so much you idiot I love the little stingers for each team that they did for each team, its so cute and gives so much personality The visuals have definitely improved, a big step above the last season in terms of animation i don't see an improvement with story writing though… Pacing is still all over the place and very squished/fast paced makes sense since the cast has grown by a quarter since last season but still makes me sad that there isn't much time given to each character individually I forgot how much I love the localization of Doppomine Okay so Pink hair and Green hair in the flashback are most definitely the two in the white cloaks. Theres just no subtly with this series lmaoooo Nice that they were able to incorporate everyone somehow but too many people means that too many parts to handle I'm getting deja vu, this exact same thing happened last season…. Oh. Its the same guy. Makes sense lmfao Listen bud I have minimal rap experience but that rap was just embarrassing wow. No rhyme or flow, there was only straight passion which i mean props I guess but you suck ass Look at me being so smart and predicting all of these ahead of time without looking at any materials Did Rio just contact Jyuto with his hypmic???? Samatoki have I ever said that I love your for being a bullheaded idiot? bc I do. you're so silly Damn the typography has gotten even better, its just a lot more smooth and the animation too especially during Jiro's part is just so stylish The animation has improved a lot I'm glad it got a little more love compared to last season My guess is that maybe someone from the six divisions will fall under the anger thingy that's going around, something like the stage show. My biggest guess is that they might re-incite the Samatoki and Ichiro conflict again but I hope not. Another guess is that there will be old MCD or Naughty Busters beef which seems more plausible given that this is Sasara and Kuko's anime debut but I guess we'll wait and see THE OUTFITS!!! THE STUPID OUTFITS I LOVE THEM the art style of the ED is super pop punk and has a strong sense of style which i love. its simple but stands out really well which i love Very jjk but more toned down. Feels a bit like a cleaned up croquis drawings the smear frames is just so stylish and good, very simple and a bit messy and sells the gesture drawing kind of feel of the ED Ramuda's parrot costume i love you Those hand signs just make the first letter of each word which is really fun. Not proper JSL though I guess beggars can't be choosers esp for a series like this

Overall, a really strong start. It shows how it built off the first season and where it improved and while some things (like the horrid pacing) never change, at the end of the day its still a fun and delightful watch

If anyone wanted to read my thoughts on the first season, they're all archived here

[ruvviks]

>> oc quizzes

needed to catch up with tag games so i did a bunch of them in one post >:) was tagged by @arklay, @shellibisshe, @aceghosts, @florbelles and @strafethesesinners to take this test for my ocs, was tagged by @strafethesesinners to take this test and this test for my ocs, and was tagged by @aceghosts to take this test for my ocs, thank you all so much and sorry for the delay i've just been sitting here LMFAO <33 tagging @radioactiveshitstorm, @sweet-mephistopheles, @awful-roffle, @dickytwister, @roses-of-heaven, @reaperkiller, @steelport, @aartyom, @morvaris, @swordcoasts, @girlbosselrond, @cultistbase, @liurnia, @faarkas and anyone else who wants to do this :D <3 feel free to just pick one!!

– WHAT'S AT YOUR CORE?

– SPUN GOSSAMER.

the easiest thing to do is stay quiet when something’s up. you’re not bothered, and you know what? you shouldn’t be! it’s none of your business, even when it’s entirely your business. it’s difficult (read: impossible) to tell if your cheery demeanor is a cover-up for something sadder, or if it’s simply your natural state of mind. you see a lot of things: people coming through town, people leaving the house and never coming back, lies and deceit of the highest degree. what happened to you? will you ever be that kid again? your presence smells like cotton candy, and your fingertips sparkle like stars. whatever white rabbit you’re chasing isn’t going to lead you to wonderland if you don’t start reaching out when you’re not feeling okay

– FLIGHTLESS BIRD.

the thought of your found family is what motivates you in your own little world. you touch the clouds, and the soil gives way under your footprints… this is utopia. if you were to erase one thing, it would be your memory. experience is important, but ignorance is bliss. identity, in heaven, should give way to happiness. you'd give anything just to sit by the swings and eat ice cream, but this isn't that kind of world. you have to get up and wash the dirt off of your scraped knees

– WHAT JEWEL ARE YOUR BONES MADE OF?

– PEARL.

you are a bit of an open wound. ⍜ the pain won’t kill you like you think it will, let yourself bear it and you’ll find you can ⍜ you might even find that the world is a lot more than your oyster. ⍜ reticent (unwillingly so), passive, introverted ⍜ resilient, generative, adaptable ⍜ you hold the ability to create and recreate the world around yourself

– STAR SAPPHIRE.

well hello, beautiful. ✦ how does it feel to have their eyes on you all the time? ✦ do you like to perform? do you like the way their hands reach for you as you turn in the spotlight? ✦ do you wish they would stop? ✦ they won’t. they can’t help it. ✦ is that the reaction you wanted? you want them to laugh, to cry, to moan, to yell at you maybe. ✦ you only exist in the lines spreading across the faces of others, right? ✦ if nobody thinks of you, you aren’t. so you make yourself headline news and they won’t look away ✦ attention won’t solidify you when the sun comes up and love won’t fill that hole inside. ✦ you might want to install an alarm system. just because they want you, doesn’t mean you have to give yourself

– WHICH GREEK GOD ARE YOU?

– ARES.

ok i had to really search the myths for some positive ares rep… i did not find any. regardless. you are not some meathead or the embodiment of rage or whatever. you've just got your thing, which ok is a little bit to do with war/anger/wrath etc. but so do the rest of these guys. you're just as good as the rest of them and you have an incredibly hot aura so congrats on that. there's more to you than some people bother to see, fuck them if they don't

– APRHODITE.

you honestly have the hardest energy to pin down. 'oh aphrodite is just some love/sex god' wrong the spartans worshipped her as a war goddess. you can be found anywhere and nowhere, you are mysterious, you are ethereal, many probably love you

– WHAT KIND OF SPOOKY CREATURE ARE YOU?

– GULPER EEL.

king of the deep sea. your whole deal is swimming around with your mouth wiiiiiide open. fearless. hungry

– FRESNO NIGHTCRAWLER.

hahaha oh my god. oh my god your legs are so long. your joie de vivre is unlimited. i’m terrified

[patrocool]

i would love to hear about pekka rollins:( torture fic, honey in your ears, spice in your mouth, slaz crack fic, and trying to change!!!

ooooh okay, so!!

pekka rollins:( torture fic is a rewrite of one of my 'verses from band-aids on our bullet wounds (chaps 21, 25, and 31 i think?) that has been expanded a Lot. it is now 15k words with 6/18 planned chapters written entirely. its @randomcat1832's fault that it is now so long. in this fic, kaz was taken by rollins and tortured for six months. he ends up blinded and Very Fucked up and traumatised, the the fic is over the course of roughly a year after being rescued as he slowly heals and becomes himself again. also trans kaz for the win:)

honey in your ears, spice in your mouth is a companion to my sick fic, and i hate myself every day that's dealt that i couldn't comfort you, where kanej have a fight, inej leaves on the wraith, and kaz ends up getting deathly sick, all in kaz's pov. honey in your ears is inej's pov of all of that!!

slaz crack fic is uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh well. if you know me irl please dont read this. the fic is basically what if,,,, the slat,,,,,, fucked kaz,,,,, and also inej was there

trying to change is a short lil thing inspired by the mother mother song of the same name. it sits unfinished bc i thought it was bad but now reading it, i think it could actually be an interesting start to something. i just,,, dont have a plot for it. but basically, kaz is beating himself up for not immediately becoming Better for inej post-ck

snippets under the cut!

pekka torture:( fic

TW: implied past torture, extreme trauma response, a bit of racism, violence, poor mental state, all around Bad Time, and its in 2nd person!

Most of the townsfolk think Inej is your nurse. You know you should be angry and you think you are, but it feels muted. Distant. As if behind a thick curtain, or perhaps on a separate floor of a house.

(As if you were still in that cellar while your heart was out of your chest, far, far away while Pekka was too damn close–)

You consider using the knife strapped to your arm underneath your sleeve to take a stab at some of the particularly nasty commenters, but it feels more like a learned behavior, a routine you can fall back into rather than an urge in the moment. You think you might be so used to violence that it's become your default, and you hate that you even have to resort to your default when you should be angry. You should be furious–

But you’re not. You’re just numb.

-

honey in your ears, spice in your mouth

Once the letter was in her hands, Specht subtly nodded towards her captain’s quarters. He knew as well as she did that whatever was on that piece of parchment was important– and likely sensitive information.

She didn’t need to be told twice.

She barely even registered Wylan’s wax seal as she cracked it open to Jesper’s familiar scrawl.

It didn’t say much but what it did made her stomach plummet in the worst way.

Wraith,

KB is sick. Raging fever. Called-me-Jordie-again-and-didn’t-seem-to-know-he-was-wrong sort of sick. Don’t know for how long, finding medik.

He keeps mumbling your name.

-J

Within half a bell, the Wraith was heading towards Ketterdam with a vengeance with only the little dinghy sent ahead as a warning.

Tell him I’m on my way, was all she wrote on the return note.

-

slaz crack fic

cw: nsfw lmfao

No one understood Kaz like the Slat did. No one knew what he needed like it did either.

Kaz couldn’t stand the touch of another person, the very thought of skin against his repulsed him, but he was still a man with certain urges and, well. The Slat didn’t exactly have skin, now did it?

-

trying to change

tw: implied parental and child death (kaz's backstory), self hate

“What’s wrong?” She asked, looking him over carefully– he felt her eyes lingering on his still scabbing knuckles and the stiff way his leg was laid out. 

I missed you, he wanted to say. I didn’t have you by my side. I couldn’t do even the one thing you asked of me. I’ve failed you at the very simplest of things, things that Jesper had managed within days of knowing you and yet I still have nightmares about. I can’t do this, I can’t be what you want. I can’t be the man you want me to be– I only know how to be the monster the Barrel made me into.

He turned back to his books. “I’m fine,” he said, stiff as dry wood.

“You’re not,” Inej said, her words cutting through him like a knife.

(Like a plow.)

Kaz swallowed down a lump in his throat and his eyes found the date of the most recent log in his book. He hadn’t changed, and Jordie would never get the chance to. Because that was what it was really about, wasn’t it? That’s what it always was– he couldn’t even just move on with his life. He was forever stuck in this limbo between dead and alive, crumbling under the weight of his dead forever-13-year-old brother.

[incarnateirony]

Well well well, if it isn't good karma coming around.

So after my Every Day Is Tuesday post about learning to cope (and getting some nice supportive health tip dms)

Phrasing i left on an email got management attention AGAIN about that fucking flood thing back during memorial day, and TLDR what's 1700 in receipts caused by rental negligence. The management company had ASSESSED the illegal af plywood wall over what should be the basement door. They KNEW it, and a backing up drain were a problem a month prior. Then, floods hit, etc. Chaos. Giant hole in the wall et all.

So. That's what brought the stress of Rob into my life. But I've shaken that now. But I was like, if I hadn't taken that 1700 hit about the wall going out I might have more padding--wait, what again.

So now they're looking back at when they took over my file as a company. Vs when who emailed what where. Cuz previous rental agency TOTALLY deuced out of their potential liability there and I GUARANTEE you hid me in some bulk of data management files, cuz I know how this shit works, I worked in mortgages, it's adjacent.

So like. They caught it fresh when it was new but lost sight of it, and that's around when *I* started passing out so. whatever it was probably a lost cause tf I have other things to try to do. And now it's in discussion again. Pulling up old emails. Mentioning the tree coming down I've been taking care of that was reported back then.

But this alongside my rental assistance request definitely has their flags up on to NOT try to let the system trigger any bullshit on my file in particular, no doubt. And if I get compensation or whatever, AND the 3 months assistance for people in situations like mine hits, suddenly I'll be good for half a yearSDKFSJDFSKDJF and that's before tax returns, roommates at agreed rates, and whatever else.

Neat.

Hell if only ONE pans out I'm good. That's why I'm like. Why am I middle aged housewife stressing about this? I'm good. I'm so fuckin good. They'd be better off just giving me this shitty old house than trying to take me to court about it with that door situation. They'd lose the place wholesale for the owner in fees and shit alone. This place literally is not worth it, I would win, period, Try Me.

So now in the very least consider that in gridlock while the other shit processes that they're no doubt gonna hit yes on everything minded.

Odds are, what they're gonna do:

Make sure system doesn't flag their eviction process like the slumlord thing they do. I notice this company at 5 days yells your'e late and warns eviction procedings will automatically begin at 15 days late like damn, calm down, it's the 6th. I get it, there's a late fee. Chill.

Quietly approve that and happily take the 3 months rent

Go quiet and hope I don't follow this up by, say, breaking out the old physical receipts rather than reminding of old emails. You know, this old hip aint great today but this should be on file for you all anyway, here's these entire email chains even if some of the images are lost depending when I deleted emails or not. but give me a week, see what happens. And you're not gonna ride me out all 3 months.

Ultimately crack now that they've expressed awareness. And/or try to bulk me out to another agency.

So the way I see it, I got like 5 1/2 free months rent in the near future, or minimum 3. I still got roomies agreed to pay the rent. Tax returns. Disability eventually settling. Possibly a small part time job, depends. Selling random shit slowly in my basement. Like, neat, not sure how but even before disability I can put up like 1200/mo starting February. Basically, I'm brokeish right now spare a few hundred emergency funds but it's one of those. Give it a couple weeks. I'm good. lmfao.

Because both roomies are busting ass to pay their dues their own ways now, and both do gig work so it's like, here's 70 of it today. Thanks. And they're aware to get it in line next month and that I'll be looking for signs of it this month. I know one guy's good, he works two jobs AND does side gigs wherever as a third option anywhen. So basically, yeah, between here and say, the 15th, another like 800 will come in, give or take. So suddenly, while I'm not rich, there's something resembling a nest egg back just before my birthday. Then let all this other shit process and pend, happy birthday to me I guess.

And them still fully aware of when to pay their dues next month. Where one way or another I'm covered. So there's another like 1000 in the bag. 2K in before tax returns hit probably near the finale so woohoo, that's another 3K. Suddenly end of march is like 5K, minus like, friends I've taken small loans from to pay back, general costs I choose to make, so lets say 4K. Ok. well damn, I'm back. With disability hanging in the future and life stable for the foreseen future and a 3-6 month period I can just put up savings of like 1K, give or take. Even half that. 500, with some comfort expenses.

So it really does look like I'll be able to make the Great Trip after all. In fact, give me about a month to pay off my remaining dues and let shit land and I can probably go in hella extra on it, like enough for almost 2 shares instead of 1. SKDJFSDJK Let's Do This.