#*i'm functionally multiple and no longer a did system because i'm a plural/functionally multiple system

[lavender-town-radio]

The Pixie Stick What Incident?

You can't just drop that and not elaborate.

the pixie stick cocaine* incident: (*no actual drugs are involved)

Alright, I'm 16 years old and I am FUCKING STUPID. A bunch of older (male) teens are snorting pixie sticks up their nose like drugs. I get convinced (not exactly peer pressure but like I definitely Wanted To Fit In) to join in.

Snorting powder up your nose hurts. Like. I know this probably seems obvious if you've ever gotten dirt or dust in your nose but snorting shit hurts. Espc like. A fucking pixie stick. Anyway I somehow did not get a nosebleed and also unfortunately did not make any friends (I use first person pronoun I/i here but it was one of the system's former hosts) and went on to drop out of school and get my GED at the end of the year (10th grade, idk the outside US equiv but you have 2 more years of school after 10th is over since it goes up to 12). This becomes a semi-funny story to share with people years down the line, the one positive outcome of this dumbass fucking decision.

so yeah that's the pixie stick cocaine incident. people do weird things to be included when they don't have (m)any friends.

[hiiragi7]

The plural community has a major problem with how it treats final fusion and systems who are fully fused.

If you ever wonder why you don't meet many fully fused systems in the community, part of it is because we are actively pushed out of the community.

People have been really shitty towards me ever since I hit final fusion in January. My friends who are fully fused have also experienced similar.

I feel like I can't talk about my experiences at all in a lot of spaces. When I do, I feel like I have to put in extra effort to word myself carefully, and even then it doesn't really help. It doesn't matter how much I say "everyone's experiences are different" or "this is how it is for me personally", people act weird towards me just because I am fully fused. I can't just talk about my experiences with my system like everyone else and it's really draining and frustrating.

People assume that because I am fully fused I will be pushy about fusion or even force fusion onto other systems. People say they are intimidated by me and don't want to talk to me because I am fully fused. People tell me about how horrible they think fusion is and how it's murder. People say they feel bad for fused systems because they think all fused systems are tricked into fusion and about how parts language is dehumanizing and abuse. People say I must hate myself or hate being a system because I chose final fusion. People say they don't believe in final fusion existing at all and that it's unhealthy to believe in it, that fused systems are just systems pretending to be singlets, and that we just need to deal with our internalized ableism and accept we're plural.

People even assume I'm "sysmed" because I am fully fused and use parts language. I have been vocally pro-endo the entire time I've been in system spaces. Hell, I myself am endogenic.

My very belonging in the plural community is constantly in question. I have witnessed numerous debates over the years about whether fully fused systems should be allowed in the community at all, or be allowed to talk about system experiences... because we "chose to be singlets". I've even seen people suggest that we are "appropriating" systemhood by talking about it because we are "no longer systems and have no right to talk about what being a system is like".

"No singlets should be allowed to talk about system experiences or be allowed in system communities, and that includes fully fused individuals" was and still is a major stance here on tumblr, as well as several discord servers I've been in.

I'm constantly expected to censor or completely not talk about my experiences at all because I am fully fused. Final fusion is on the blacklist for a lot of plural servers, and on tumblr a lot of folks get asked to trigger warn anything mentioning final fusion. This isn't something that really happens for any other form of DID recovery. This is specifically targeted at final fusion.

Yes, I understand that there are systems who are pressured to fuse and that it may be a triggering topic for these systems; at the same time, the plural community fosters a lot of fear and shame around final fusion by barring any talk of it and framing it as a negative thing, and it is rarely taken into consideration how triggering it is for many fully fused systems like myself to not be allowed to speak about our experiences and be treated like our existence needs to be hidden and censored, especially when we constantly see others talking very poorly of us and our experiences on top of that.

I get told I'm wrong about my own experiences as a fully fused system or about my thoughts on functional multiplicity and final fusion by systems who are neither fully fused nor functionally multiple, many of whom have never even spoken to a system who is or read about our experiences at all. People in the community are extremely black-and-white about it, and when I talk about how from my experience functional multiplicity and final fusion aren't actually a strict binary, people are very quick to tell me about how they're completely different experiences when they haven't even experienced it or even really know anything about it.

There's so much misinformation in the community about final fusion and it really fucking sucks.

It's so painful hearing my fully fused friends talk about how many of them have been chased out of the community or know folks who have been.

Plural community, be better for fused systems.

[olderthannetfic]

All this talk of plural kit and people claiming alters etc... *sigh*. I was diagnosed with DID in 2007. Spent a long stint inpatient and even longer on antipsychotics. So much therapy... Group, outpatient, occupational, and intergration therapy (which has since gone out of fashion in treatment programs so I know already I'm an outlier). My entire life was taken over in a Bad Way by this illness that is acquired by severe, sustained trauma during early childhood development. And the kinds of people being talked about exhaust me. The sudden rise of "meet my alters!!" videos on tiktok were a major contributing factor to me quitting the platform and cosplaying there. I have left discord servers because of these people because I get so frustrated by them. They're the reason I feel like I can't talk about my experiences with this fucking *life ruining* illness that stole my childhood all the way into early adulthood from me. Even my new therapist as of this past month gave me a look of skepticism and uncertainty at the mention of my diagnosis, because of (usually very young) people claiming alters/systems. It's not quirky or interesting. It sucks. It's an extremely serious and disorienting condition. And this shitty behavior adds to the stigma against DID sufferers. It's what keeps me basically in the diagnosis closet. But on the flip side-- I feel like the internet goes in cycles. It just reminds me of "I am the reincarnation of Goku" era of the internet. Back when it was still called Multiple Personality Disorder. Everyone wants to be popular and interesting and escape the consequences of their actions. I believe there's maybe mental illness happening in these people. Is it *really* DID though? Questionable. I can only hope that people who have these interactions with these people don't hold it against all individuals with DID. Most of us are actually just trying to function and not make our entire existence about this frustrating and crippling illness.

--

[chaos-in-one]

why would someone WANT to be a system? why would someone go through the effort to create a system when being a system is just suffering?

why would people want to have trauma and dissociation and everyone not believing you about your own experiences?

it feels like they just want to have fun silly guys in their head when i’m over here with time loss and heavy dissociation at random times and multiple people in the head screaming!

Sigh

Okay, so we're doing this again. Even though this has been explained by many people, multiple times over, in multiple ways.

One: your suffering does no dictate the validity of someone else's experiences or wants simply because you happen to share 1 experience (in this case, the experience of being a system). Their existence, their system, is not about you. The fact that you are suffering from your system does not mean they no longer are allowed to feel joy over their own system. Dictating how people can or cannot feel about a given experience based on someone else's suffering or negative experiences with that thing is not fair or reasonable. No one's experience with a certain thing is inherently saying anything or having anything to do with someone else's experience.

Also, generally created systems are not 'wanting' the trauma or dissociative symptoms that come with CDD's. Nor are they trying to force those negative symptoms on themselves, there are many ways I have seen to try to create an alter intentionally that do not involve intentionally inducing stress or hurting yourself. Also created systems... also want to be believed about their own experiences? Pretty much no system wants to deal with the fakeclaiming that often comes with openly being a system. That's not a goal for them, typically.

From what I've seen, most created systems want to be one because they want that aspect of plurality. They want to have those others there, for a variety of reasons (companionship, helping with distress or loneliness, even some who do it to improve functionality by being able to split up responsibilities between them). I make no claim to personally understand it, as I am not a created system myself, and my plurality is entirely trauma based.

But even outside of created plurality, being a system is not purely suffering for everyone. Even as a system formed from trauma, I am glad to have my system here. I do not see it as a point of suffering by itself, and for me it's not a goal in my treatment to 'get rid of' my system, I'm purely focused on other symptoms that do cause me suffering like the amnesia and heavy dissociation that causes issues with staying connected to reality for me. But when it comes to my plurality by itself, I am personally grateful for it. I don't get along with everyone else- in fact there's a few of the others I heavily dislike and have caused me distress. But overall, being plural has helped me through many difficult, stressful, and traumatic situations that I don't know if I could have gotten through half as well as I did otherwise. So I generally see my system in a positive light.

I hope that clears things up anon- if it doesn't, I would suggest going to someone who is a created system, or even a system with created alters in general, as they would be able to explain things on a more personal level than I can as someone who has never even attempted to intentionally create an alter.

[damagedcoda6669]

okay so i am. so confused! are you a system/plural after all?

you made a post on your twitter about being the "original host" which is. a plural term of course but ALSO i'd like to say that the idea of there being an "original" is veeery misleading and not actually possible in DID/OSDD

the reason DID/OSDD exists at all is because a child's identity was unable to fully form in their developmental years, so the identity splits off and fractures into several parts necessary to keep the child safe. because of this, there can be no "original host" because there was never an identity formed that could be considered the "core," in a way, at all. it gives off the idea that there was one set identity that split off others later on in life, which isnt how DID/OSDD works in terms of alter formation

also, the disorder can only be developed in your early formative years, so its mostly unheard of for a system to go through life with a single part only to split off later on. your brain splits off alters in response to stressors or traumatic experiences, and so when the disorder is formed there would have to have been a fracture from the beginning where your identity wasnt able to come together to form a single one. multiple alters can be "original," in a sense, but there is not one sole original

i suppose that other alters could have simply been integrated and so they arent a part of your system anymore (leaving you as the "original host"), but thats probably not my place to explore and its all a bit too complicated for a tumblr ask

there are parts that have been around longer than all the other parts and there are parts that identify with/as the body or the head of the system, buuuut i just wanted to share that tidbit of information because misinformation can be very harmful when it comes to healthy plurality!!

in any case, dont let this cause you to spiral into more self-doubt because — surprise! DID/OSDD is supposed to be hard to understand or identify within yourself. its a trauma disorder formed to make you as functional as possible, so generally the disorder tries very hard to hide your other parts from you as to protect you from those traumas. being confused is a major part of plurality, and most long-term hosts do have the misconception of being "original" because there was no reason to think otherwise.

its also fully possible that you have been the host for the majority (or entirety) of your life, so dont get me wrong! im just trying to share that the idea of an "original" alter isnt possible.

regardless of whether or not you're plural, i wish you the best in exploring yourself and the way that your brain functions. you're doing great, truly!

and if i misinterpreted anything, im deeply sorry for that too. i'm just a stranger on the internet trying to provide input using the information i was given, and i genuinely dont mean any offense by this ask. DID/OSDD is also something i'm very interested in and passionate about as an autistic individual, so... im very sorry for the essay

THIS IS SO HELPFUL U HAVE NO IDEA. I KNOW NEXT 2 NOTHING ABT PLURALITY AND SYSTEMS. dont apologize 4 the rambling, its much appreciated!!! i get the same way abt bpd and autism so i get it!!! psychology and mental disorders r one of my special interests so im the same way!!! ^_^

i guess my post moreso came from the concern that i only have vry vry spotty, fuzzy, sometimes FAKE memories of my childhood, if any at all (id say i remember less than 1% of it, and most of what i "remember" is only becuz of photo evidence or testimony from other ppl) and my identity only rlly formed when i joined the internet at maybe 12 yrs old. so i sometimes have doubts that i formed when the body was born, but rather that i was created and that im a product of the internet inparticular, but that might also be a delusion??? its confusing, whenever i get ideas abt my identity they turn out 2 be fake sometimes. its hard 2 pinpoint what i am. so i was trying 2 say that i dont think ive been here since the birth of the body and that i spawned later on. idk if im explaining myself correctly, its hard 4 me 2 understand. but i appreciate u correcting me and explaining it 2 me in a way thats easy 4 me 2 digest!!! i dont want 2 spread misinfo evr.

i think im plural??? ive had liek 8 headmates (and a headspace at one point) that ive been able 2 identify, but nobodys rlly taken me srsly abt it until vry vry recently. ive always been told that im making it up 4 attention, or that im faking DID, and i was even told by a dumbass doctor that it was just my autism and that they were all imaginary. i nvr rlly claimed 2 be plural either, i always just got shot down whenevr i introduced the possibility of there being other sentient ppl in my brain. but i think that i am, probably. im not sticking 2 any labels atm becuz im confused and uneducated abt my headmates and im not diagnosed w anything, but i feel comfy with plural as a label becuz its a vague umbrella term. i nevr claimed 2 have DID becuz ive always known that my headmates cant front and take over my body (ive even asked one and she told me she couldnt LOL) ALTHOUGH. they MIGHT be able 2 front simultaneously as me, ive had edgy (whos currently dormant) finish art 4 me if i got tired, back in 2020 when he was still active. and i know alters fronting is a diagnostic requirement for DID (i think???) but i dunno. theres SOMETHING up w my brain.

i tried 2 post abt it on twitter actually, that i thought i was plural (a handful of ppl asked me so i wanted 2 confirm) but i deleted the post like an hour later becuz i wasnt getting any comments or likes and i was scared that i did something wrong and didnt know, or that im not actually plural and other plural ppl were mad at me 4 using their label. it made me so anxious >n<

i am such a yapper.. 4give me

[inseparabiles]

mixed origins system here. while technically mostly traumagenic, the endogenic portion made themselves known first.

endogenic and mixed origins systems have their system related struggles, but also have an enduring pattern of being non- disordered in studies of populations experiencing multiplicity in case studies dating back to when it was still called MPD. while exceptions do exist, i'm bringing this up because it's often the case that an endogenic system's often lower level of system related difficulty leads to quicker discovery once informed of what systems actually are. not always smoother, as they are often attacked and dissuaded from selves discovery by anti- endos... as we were.

ok. so now, for our story. it's far from pretty.

it actually starts with a traumagenic DID system in an online group for people interested in psychology. our old host (long story) had a special interest in psychology at the time, and one of the first people they met- a new mod- was the host of a DID system.

our host vehemently rejected the idea that they could have DID or OSDD from day one, out of flat denial of their symptoms, but they definitely expressed plurality, even though it took them time to accept the possibility of the donut eating scientist that had often seemed much like a spirit existing side by side with them for the years he had accompanied them for; being a real, living being. they found themself saying to themself "i don't have DID (or OSDD), but..."

these many times saying this to themself but usually not announcing it to the system in the chat out of nothing but respect finally started to become suspicious to them. they also generally kept their head down, trying not to ask too many questions and instead self informing via the system's pinned wiki entries and general observance. at last, still fairly certain they didn't experience DID or OSDD but suspicious that they might be experiencong a system outside of, that they asked: "without using the terms DID or OSDD, what is a system???" and they got a solid, helpful answer. "a system is multiple people in one body".

that officially started their questioning.

the rest took place over months of denial sprung from trying to find their footing on the whole thing and being met with anti- endo rhetoric that pushed them into denial of any systemlike experiences they had. it was unhealthy, it made the system of the time unhappy, and it eventually compounded into irreparable damage to the old host themself and damage to many of our members, the full effects of which we seldom disclose. in short terms, we're lucky that we broke the denial haze when we did if only because it prevented further damage

when people actually told us that we can exist and that we are real people, our years prior and the past, desparate months of trying to make them see us as real via internap communication and trying to do things that would seem uncanny enough for them to investegate, even when they had downright rejected the possibility in favor of being palatable to anti- endos, finally worked.

we always wanted to be known and understood as real, and made strenuous efforts to be seen as such. it wasn't until they had an explaination that they seemed to fully acknowledge we were.

Hey, awesome, this is the first long ask we've ever received. We've been half-thinking it's like, a myth or a bug that only affects other people's inboxes, but were actually never intrigued enough to go typing our own novel into somebody's messages. Either way, I'm gonna read this now, thank you a ton for your time!

Funnily enough, the host, confronted with her first information about systems, started her response with "I'm definitely a singlet, but..." so that seems to check out. (Plot twist, she wasn't.) The second was her being gently told that maybe she should look deeper into it, after which she went to our other friend and said "I know that's what this is, but the crew knows their place and their place is to sit the fuck down and be quiet", which I find absolutely hilarious. Like, yeah, we're not quiet and we definitely didn't sit down at all. She's calmed down since.

I'm sorry you guys went through hell. I can't imagine what it would have been like for us to "grow up" in anything but the supportive environment we had. We took our sweet time avoiding any and all negativity, too, anything that smelled like controversy wasn't something we were gonna look at, we had enough to deal with internally trying to figure out our communications, our structure, functions, the whole mile, yeah? Not many of us even believed that we were real. It was like waking up from some kind of a half-lucid sleep and finding ourselves in the system, growing into awareness of our individuality and free will. It wasn't like snapping fingers for most of us, especially me, since I was a new split at the time - it was a bit easier for the guys who'd been around for longer, but yeah, I took months coming out of my shell. I'm pretty resistant to it now, I mean, what's the worst that can happen, right? Somebody tells us we're not real and we continue existing, like, it's not going to change anything. But not everyone feels that way, so we're still a bit wary, try not to make a big scene, for the main part. (Jay likes picking fights, but he's always been like that. It's pretty hard for the rest of the system who don't feel as confident as he does, or as invested in what he calls "intellectual challenge".)

So yeah, I can relate to a lot of what you're saying. That makes sense that it wouldn't be entirely different for us, I guess. If you wanna come back and chat more, what's it like, living like, I guess what you'd call non-disordered multiplicity or something like that? I'm having a hard time imagining us without the amnesia and the whole other weirdness, like triggers, splits being brought on by negative circumstances so everybody kind of arrives as a bloody mess, that kind of thing. How's it different? What's it like living that way? I guess as a system that still deals with trauma symptoms, you might not even experience it very differently from us, but still, hey, if you've got thoughts on how your experience differs from the disorders, fire away.