hiiragi7

[hiiragi7]

Recovery, As A Word

Recovery is a very charged word.

Recovery is a word that brings up a lot of different feelings for me.

For a lot of people, recovery can be a word that is comforting, soothing. Recovery can also be a word that is clinical, made up of other people's expectations and divorced from what is personal. Sometimes the word recovery even brings other words to mind; Abandonment, assimilation, abstinence.

I think particularly of my time in the psych ward; A place where recovery has nothing to do with what I want and is not my choice, but rather exists as some pre-determined standard to meet before they may consider releasing me again. In that space, recovery is a contract you sign, swearing to a team of doctors that you are not-mad and not-suicidal and not-yourself - at least for a little while, at least until they lock you up again, and then you must do the entire dance of "Recovery" all over again. Recovery there is a performance, entertainment for people with power over you.

Even outside of the psych ward, recovery often brings these concepts to mind for me. Recovery is easily digestible, understandable (who would want to be mad, anyway, right??), and above all, inspirational.

Recovery, in a capitalist ableist society, becomes a product - Subscribe to this treatment, this pill, this therapy, this program. You want to recover, don't you? Who wouldn't want to recover? Recovery is great! Start your self-discovery self-care self-love wholesome journey today and become Just Like Us!*

*Terms and conditions may apply. Of course, we don't believe you'll actually recover (you'll always be mad!), but if you manage to fake it, we can chop up your story, your most intimate experiences, your whole life into convenient bite-sized pieces and sell that, too. Everyone loves a good "the disabled freak gets cured and becomes Normal and Healthy, Just Like Everyone Else" story!

Over the years, I have tried consistently to just focus on my own idea of recovery for myself, my own definitions and goals and journey. Something specific and personal to me, even if it didn't always conform to the popular narrative and ideas of what recovery is. And that's still important to me and something I consider important to talk about; I want other people to know that recovery doesn't have to mean not being yourself. I want people to know that recovery can be really messy. I want people to know that recovery can look exactly like disorder, and I want people to know that recovery is not incompatible with being mad, regardless of whatever gets shoved onto us. I want people to know that recovery is not some final destination that you reach, and that recovery doesn't have to mean abstinence from symptoms or addiction (and maybe it even means more symptoms for some of us, not less) and that recovery doesn't have to mean losing your community.

I want to turn recovery into a nonsense word, free to be defined however we choose, rather than chosen for us by others.

At the same time, I struggle a lot with how people see me ever since I started talking more about recovery. I struggle a lot with feeling used and feeling like I'm not being seen or treated as just another person. I struggle with feeling like others often put me on a pedestal and objectify me. I often worry that my words will not be taken with consideration and care, but rather will be consumed as though I am a product.

Let me be clear: I do not consent to being used this way. I don't exist to be other people's goals or inspiration or example.

Recovery, to me, doesn't mean being "healthy" or "normal" or even "not disordered". Recovery, at it's simplest, is just about learning who I am and how to be myself, and I am messy, disordered, mad - even while "recovered". The difference is not necessarily in my symptoms or my behavior (though I have touched on that topic before); I would consider myself recovered without any of that.

Primarily, the difference between the me that exists now and the me that existed pre-recovery is that I have come to know myself very well, and even love myself very much, something I'd never had before. I even love my madness, most days. I have more tools to care for myself and to advocate for myself and others. I have more ability to help others in my community and I have a far stronger grasp on what has happened to me, and I can put these skills towards creating change. I now have the language - the words - to talk about it.

Recovery is a very charged word; so I will use it with care.

[hiiragi7]

Pikachu from Pokémon is intersex!

[hiiragi7]

Sylvia Rivera

Happy Pride Month - I would like to remind folks that a lot of what you see online about historical queer figures is extremely sanitized and white-washed, and I'd like to take some time to talk to you all about Sylvia Rivera.

Plenty of you - I hope - may recognize Sylvia Rivera's name, but a lot of folks don't know details beyond that she was a trans woman, an activist, and friends with Marsha P. (Pay It No Mind) Johnson. Some of you may even know that she helped found Street Transvestite Action Revolutionaries (S.T.A.R.) and helped house homeless young people. I would like to talk about some of the less-talked about details of Sylvia Rivera's life and activism.

A lot of what Sylvia Rivera spoke about was the privilege of a lot of the people in the gay movement and how they have completely abandoned her and the people she was fighting to help, and she especially spoke about racial and class privilege - even in her most famous speech, she is talking about "men and women that belong to a white middle-class, white club". Sylvia was a Puerto Rican-Venezuelan Latina and she spoke quite a bit about racism in the queer community and queer movement.

Sylvia also talks about how she has been beaten and raped in jail, how she has lost her apartment for gay liberation - Still, nobody seems to want to talk about incarceration or homelessness or poverty or rape. Everyone seems plenty content cutting out this part of Sylvia's life to make her more palatable, easily digestible, relatable to the same people that would have rejected her when she was still alive.

Sylvia's activism was not accepted by the mainstream gay movement because she was often seen as too radical and too angry and too trans, and Sylvia was often not allowed to speak at events and a lot of folks in the movement were not a fan of Sylvia. Sylvia was only about 17 years old when she started getting involved with queer activism.

Sylvia was an addict and a sex worker. Sylvia was out on the streets doing sex work to survive when she was just 10 years old.

A lot of y'all are pro-prison, anti-homeless people, anti-addict, anti-sex workers throwing Sylvia's name around like y'all wouldn't have hated her too.

Here is Sylvia Rivera in 1996, homeless living on Christopher Street Pier with a tight-knit group of queer people:

You read that right, by the way - 1996, long after she had gotten involved in the movement and long after Stonewall in 1969. A lot of people talk like Sylvia became an activist and founded S.T.A.R. House and lived happily ever after with Marsha P., but that's not what happened - she and Marsha often talked about receiving no support, no funding, no help, and having to do everything on their own. But a lot of people don't want to talk about that - A lot of people don't want to talk about the issues in the queer movement that Sylvia lived through and that STILL PERSIST TODAY.

Here is another photo of Sylvia living in the "gay camp" from 2000:

During a 2001 interview, Sylvia talked about how the movement has become a capitalist movement, and her words could not ring more true today - even Sylvia's own life story has been turned into something marketable, consumable. Sylvia Rivera and everything she fought for could not be more disrespected. Pride month is corporate, capitalist; and everyone can pretend to love Sylvia now that she's dead while still never lending a hand to the people like Sylvia - the homeless queers, the sex worker queers, the addict queers, the incarcerated queers - who are still alive.

If you can, do something to help. Get involved in your local mutual aid groups, advocacy groups, support and youth groups. Give homeless people food and supplies. Donate. Spread awareness. Make some flyers or resource lists. Whatever helps.

If that's not accessible, then I at least challenge a lot of you to learn more of the history this pride month, even if it's just a little bit - A video, an article, an interview, a book, visiting a museum. Learning the history will make our community stronger.

[hiiragi7]

Intersex people are continuously harmed, killed, objectified, used, and reduced to nothing more than a hypothetical or statistical anomaly, something to be violated and then discarded. Supposedly, at best, we can expect to be treated as something a little less than human. Often, we are put far below that.

Fuck that. We deserve so, so much better than that.

Intersex people have always, always, always existed, and we will always, always, always fight to exist and breathe in the world, present and future. We will create a path forward for ourselves, no matter what. We will live to hug, scream, kiss, laugh, cry, run, and be free. Dressed in flowing yellow and purple, we will be loud, passionate, and whole.

I need to see a future where intersex kids are celebrated. I need to see a future where intersex bodies are made divine. I need to see a future where intersex voices are glorious music, blasted on every speaker for all to hear.

No longer beaten into invisibility, no longer made small behind closed doors, surgical tools, and shame-ridden conversations. We will be open, joyous, and so, so loved.

I do not wish to assimilate, to be seen as "just like everyone else"; my soul yearns for so much more.

When I dream of an intersex future, when I participate in being one of a countless number working towards its creation, there is nothing neutral about it; It must be, by necessity, an act of resistance, an act of community, an act of care for each other and ourselves.

I need to see a future where the wonder and beauty of intersexuality is celebrated in everything.

If you are intersex, know that you bring so much to this world, so much more than you know. Keep going, keep pushing forward, keep uplifting your community and keep being yourself. You are so, so important.

We will continue to live on, now and always.

💛💜

[hiiragi7]

Trans Surgery Recovery Tips

(From someone who's done this more than once)

Buy extra pads/bandages. You'll more than likely need to have some kind of dressing for several weeks and change them out, and in my experience it's easier when you have a lot of extras. Keeps everything clean and you won't have to be soaking in whatever fluids come out of the surgical site. (Not a pleasant feeling/texture)

Gatorade. Easy way to stay hydrated. Also gallon sized water bottle (so you don't have to worry about refilling it as often)

Antibiotic gel - Didn't ever think I needed it for surgical recovery/thought it was a bit excessive until I actually started using it post-op bottom surgery, and it's been the easiest surgical recovery I've ever had. Everything is completely clean and I have had zero signs of infection. Very worth it.

Get lots of easy comfort snacks, especially ones you can eat immediately and/or just need to go in the microwave.

Jello/pudding is really great for the first few days, having a bowel movement post-op is difficult (regardless of the surgery) and it helps to just keep everything easily digestible for a bit.

Also laxatives. Please buy gentle laxatives (ie Miralax). It will save your life

It helps to have a caretaker make a medication schedule and keep track of when to give you your meds, if possible. Often there are a lot of different medications post-op and it can be very hard to keep track of. (Post-bottom surgery, I was given 8 different prescriptions.)

If your surgery involves drainage tubes, you might want someone else to drain them for you - it needs quite a bit of force and can be painful.

If your surgery involves a catheter and bed bag, empty the catheter when it is about 1/3rd of the way full. If using a flip valve, leave a little bit of urine in the bladder when emptying to help cushion the balloon (can cause pain otherwise).

[hiiragi7]

Being fat and on HRT gives me gender euphoria in ways it wouldn't if I were thin, and transition has actually made me love my fat a lot more.

See, when I was considering going on E, I actually was feeling pretty hesitant about the fat redistribution changes - because all I saw as examples were thin people, often thin people with hourglass figures. So, everything I knew about fat redistribution on E was how it might look on a thin body. Obviously, that's not me and I wasn't a super big fan of that look on my body, so I felt unsure. I had no idea how my fat would redistribute or what it would look like on me.

Now that I've been on Estrogen for almost a year now, I've had some time to see how the fat redistribution actually sits on my body - and I'm really happy with it. It was definitely the right decision for me.

Additionally, I've actually gained more weight since starting E, and that's really, really awesome! For me, this goes hand in hand with being a lot more comfortable in my own skin. I love how my body looks, I feel really confident about my body, and I feel a lot more comfortable saying this is my body.

I feel more feminine and more myself.

It worked out great for me, but it also has me reflecting quite a bit on how there just weren't any resources or references I could really look at for how this aspect of HRT might affect me, and looking it up again almost a year later, I still can't find any. I think that it's really important for there to be accurate, accessible information regarding gender-affirming care for larger people. I really hope we get to see more of that in the future.

[hiiragi7]

Being fat and on HRT gives me gender euphoria in ways it wouldn't if I were thin, and transition has actually made me love my fat a lot more.

See, when I was considering going on E, I actually was feeling pretty hesitant about the fat redistribution changes - because all I saw as examples were thin people, often thin people with hourglass figures. So, everything I knew about fat redistribution on E was how it might look on a thin body. Obviously, that's not me and I wasn't a super big fan of that look on my body, so I felt unsure. I had no idea how my fat would redistribute or what it would look like on me.

Now that I've been on Estrogen for almost a year now, I've had some time to see how the fat redistribution actually sits on my body - and I'm really happy with it. It was definitely the right decision for me.

Additionally, I've actually gained more weight since starting E, and that's really, really awesome! For me, this goes hand in hand with being a lot more comfortable in my own skin. I love how my body looks, I feel really confident about my body, and I feel a lot more comfortable saying this is my body.

I feel more feminine and more myself.

It worked out great for me, but it also has me reflecting quite a bit on how there just weren't any resources or references I could really look at for how this aspect of HRT might affect me, and looking it up again almost a year later, I still can't find any. I think that it's really important for there to be accurate, accessible information regarding gender-affirming care for larger people. I really hope we get to see more of that in the future.

[hiiragi7]

I had my bottom surgery a couple days ago, and somewhere past all the long naps and gatorade and bandage changes... Everything just feels right.

I have been incredibly overwhelmed by not only the sudden absense of bottom dysphoria, but also the presence of so, so much comfort and euphoria. I expected the hardest adjustment to be the practical things, the new anatomy and function I will need to be getting used to, but truly it's the emotional side of it, the realization of "wow, this is actually my body".

I'm so, so excited to heal and experience life post-op. It is such a major relief to me to have finally had this procedure done. I am so grateful for this experience, to be able to be such an active participant in such a deeply intimate aspect of my own creation. I believe that transition is artwork.

That dysphoria that has constantly followed me in the background, that feeling of wrongness which sometimes was little enough to ignore and often big enough to make it impossible to think about anything else... it's gone now. I feel so much peace and happiness with my body.

I am so thrilled that I can be myself.

[hiiragi7]

Yippee! Yay! Wahoo! vote for me etc. etc.

@freezingcoldsystemtakes - Genuinely find your blog really funny, it's a nice break from the syscourse.

Good luck!!

SEMIFINALS: Hiiragi7 VS Freezing!

Get your votes in for either @hiiragi7 or @freezingcoldsystemtakes!

Propaganda is under the cut. Good luck and happy voting!

Reminder: These polls are completely subjective. However you define a "better" syscourser, that's how you should vote!

This time, the brackets will feature propaganda from yours truly. I am not an unbiased participant in syscourse, after all; I have my own thoughts and feelings to share.

Hiiragi7 -- A DID system who more often hangs in the sysconversation tag over the syscourse tag, they provide so much insight into lesser discussed topics. They post about final fusion, about multiplicity and plurality as a whole, and do so with open mind, heart, and soul! She's a wonderful user who also branches out from syscourse, talking about intersexuality and race as well as systemhood and origins. There's so much passion and curiosity packed into this blog!

Freezingcoldsystemtakes -- A blog that's brought a smile to many a face, Freezing satirizes syscourse, maybe in one of the first good satire blog attempts I've seen. It's clear it's all meant to be a joke, and what's posting is jokes. Genuinely hurtful content isn't shared. No genuine discourse takes place; just good-natured silliness.

An essayist versus a memer; two people alike in passion, but exerting their effort in different ways. A match for the ages.

Who will win?

You decide.

[hiiragi7]

Thank you!!!

@hiiragi7 I posted about this yesterday but wanted to say it to you properly. Good luck in the rest of the brackets! You always have a lot of excellent insight to give even beyond syscourse. I hope you make it far, and regardless of bracket position, keep sharing your thoughts. 🫡

[hiiragi7]

Raise your hand if you or someone you know has chromosomes that aren't XX or XY! (and if you don't, here's a glossary that includes examples of chromosomal intersex variations!)

[hiiragi7]

Trans, but in an alterhuman way.

Transitioning, but in a "eh good enough if I have to be a human" way.

E HRT letting me grow boobs is pretty awesome. T HRT helps regulate my energy when I'm on it.

But if I really had the option? I wouldn't take E or T; I'd take dog HRT. (HRT that turns you into a dog, obviously)

At the risk of sounding "cringe", my dysphoria won't ever be quite alleviated, because I don't have floppy dog ears and a tail to wag. And that's something that's pretty difficult to explain to people. Yeah I'm trans but more importantly I'm puppy.

[hiiragi7]

Thank you, thank you.

My next syscourse topic: When playing Minecraft, is it OK to build separate houses for each system member? Or should they share one house? Should polyfragmented systems build a city or just one comedically large hotel?

Looking forward to this syscourse.

ROUND 4: Wonder VS Hiiragi!

Get your votes in for either @wondercourse or @hiiragi7!

Good luck and happy voting!

Reminder: These polls are completely subjective. However you define a "better" syscourser, that's how you should vote!

[hiiragi7]

It's a little bit silly whenever we come across a post that's very fakeclaiming of endogenic systems and experiences.

Often, I'll look at Fennel, and Fennel will look at me, and I'll jokingly ask, "Fennel, are you real??" and she'll spin around in a circle and say "Preeetty sure, yep!!", and we both have a good laugh about it.

I think a lot of folks don't really grasp how much of a fundamental day-to-day life experience it is for me and plenty of others who identify as endogenic or mixed origin, which goes hand in hand with the fakeclaiming - that's not real, you're not experiencing that, etc. etc. leaves no room for imagining what that system's life actually looks like in practice beyond assumptions.

Fennel lives my whole life with me. Some weeks she's even more active in it than I am - lately, she's spent the past 3-4 days just knitting and playing Minecraft and watching anime with our partner. She's a whole other self who I share everything with. And for us, that's really wonderful.

I'm very secure in Fennel's existence, so we're often able to just laugh off any sort of fakeclaiming, but it does get pretty draining at times having to see posts like that. Fakeclaiming posts are very harmful, and fakeclaiming hurts everyone. It's sad to see those sorts of posts, so we try to have a little fun with it where we can.

I hope that someday we can all be accepted and celebrated for who we are, or at the very least left alone without so much harassment, and not have so much care for whether another system's experience is "real" or "valid" enough or not. But regardless of what happens, Fennel and I will just continue on living our life as more than one.

[hiiragi7]

Is The Innerworld "Real"?

For others, maybe, maybe not.

But for me? Absolutely, it's real.

The innerworld is a part of my day-to-day experience, it's something I interact with, something I can see and feel.

It's a part of my body, my mind, myself. It's a place where my parts can be safe, where my parts can talk and hug and see each other just as we are. It's something that lives and grows with me, something that I care for and work to upkeep.

For me, saying that my innerworld is not real would be just as silly as saying my parts are not real, just because it is an experience originating from within my head. There is another entire world I keep internally, and this is something I treat with a great amount of respect - Anything less would be very unkind and dismissive towards it.

My innerworld has been there throughout my life, and it has helped me greatly. It is a very sacred place for me, and so I want to offer it that same love and protection back. In doing so, I also give myself more kindness as well.

I've always had very strong visualization capabilities. I think it can pretty safely be argued that my innerworld is in some form a visualization, or perhaps a long-lasting daydream - but I reject that it is "just" a visualization or "just" a daydream, and that this categorization thus determines it to be "not real". That is to say, I don't believe that these things are mutually exclusive. It may be a visualization or whatever else you may call it, and at the same time be so vividly real.

How I experience reality isn't often the same as most other people - never really has been. It's just the way my brain is built. I know that's something which makes some people uncomfortable, and at times I feel lost or confused due to it. But... a lot of times, it doesn't particularly affect me, nor do I even think about it much unless someone else brings it up.

I used to have more complicated feelings about it, but honestly, talking to and reading about other psychotic/schizospec folks' experiences with reality as well as meeting many other systems & DID folk who don't neatly align with what reality "should be" really helped with that. I don't feel so much shame or bitterness or anger anymore about me experiencing things a little (or a lot) to the left.

I'm aware there are some things that are real to me which are not real to other people, and that's fine with me. My innerworld is one of those things.

All I really hope for is that others will be respectful towards this part of me that is so deeply personal and subjective. My innerworld is real to me, and it is another world which I engage with. I find it deeply invasive and uncomfortable when other people try to determine that realness or lack of for me - it is my innerworld, my experience, and so I feel very protective over my truth of it.

[hiiragi7]

This is me. When you vote for me this is who you vote for

(In all seriousness this is super sweet, thank you so so much <3)

the syscourse brackets are SO hard now. i love everyone in them and i cant choose!!! but i hope for a hiiragi7 win!!! they TOTALLY deserve the win <3

such amazing posts, and their posts about fusion and their experiences have been so enlightening to me. i cannot show enough how much i appreciate their posts, and how well written they are!!

vote for hiiragi7!!! :D

[hiiragi7]

Hiiragi7 for syscourse president now

I will make syscourse a happy place for all

Thank you

ROUND THREE: Hiiragi VS Pos!

Get your votes in for either @hiiragi7 or @pos-syscourse!

Good luck and happy voting!

Reminder: These polls are completely subjective. However you define a "better" syscourser, that's how you should vote!