#...i stopped feeling so disconnected with myself...

[phoenixyfriend]

Here's the thing, and I hope I can stop talking about this after I'm done:

I would apologize for the Reddit thing, and I would apologize for overstating the situation as plagiarism. I can't, because there is no line for communication, but I would.

(I'm not going to make this post rebloggable. This isn't me asking for you or Radish to forgive the parts where I fucked up. This is just me explaining that I've realized there's a full-on philosophical disconnect on a key topic here.)

My need to find people praising this fic and let them know why it was taken down was childish and petty. I should not have done that, and I wish I could say that I'm better than that, but I'm not. I was genuinely hurt by what I perceived as an admission of guilt: the choice to hide an entire widely-beloved project over openly addressing the topic. I took it out on the idea of the person that I perceived to have done that, in a place I didn't think they'd see, but hoped would cause them to reconsider their perspective if they did. I'm not going to deny that I vaguely hoped to hurt their credibility for, specifically, the origination of that idea, because I took the post where they simultaneously admitted and discarded it personally. And it was wrong. It was mean and petty, and it was wrong. I would apologize for this.

I'm not bragging about what I did. I just don't want to whitewash my actions. I do not like lying.

I would also apologize for using the word plagiarism in this context, as it is a loaded one. In this day and age, the word carries a lot of weight that implies much more than what I intended.

If anyone who was impacted by this actually sees the post: I apologize.

However... there's a bit of a disconnect on another point.

I do not need to apologize for considering it, at the least, a dick move. And, to myself at least, plagiarist behavior.

I've realized I'm using a stricter definition of plagiarism than most of you, I think. Probably, you are thinking of quotes lifted wholesale, entire chapters stolen.

I'm thinking about The FutureCop court case that stars in the opening of hbomberguy's video on Somerton.

I'm thinking about academic dishonesty, the kind of thing where you feel like maybe you don't really need to add a footnote or reference another text.

I'm thinking about the long and protracted argument we're having across the internet about whether or not it's some kind of theft for someone to ask Gen AI to create art in the style of an artist online.

A few years ago, probably before any of this but I can't find it to link, I read a post about what I'm going to call the lineage of ideas. It was similar to this post, but from what I remember, the topic was either genetic or literary, not botanical. For all I know, it wasn't even a post and I'm just half-remembering a YouTube video. If someone does recognize it, then let me know and I'll link it here.

In this post, the author spoke about how they had been researching something, trying to locate the origin of a certain piece of information. They found a source, and then saw that the information there was from somewhere further back. So they found that source, and found that the information was even further back. So they found that source, something from the 1800s, and found that the 'fact' that had been cited so many times had been overstated as fact. The original had been a theory, or an offhand comment, and then treated as more until people forgot entirely where that information came from.

And decades, even centuries of research, had been based on that fact as cited.

To me, this is important. Being able to find where a theory or concept stems from, that's important. It's why I link and cite one collective AU, two fics, three posts, and a book when sharing a silly AU about Anakin being a dragon. It's why I quote friends by name in posts where I share AUs that I brainstormed with friends. It's why, even when the story I wrote is different as all hell from the post or fic that first sparked the idea, I namecheck it in the A/N.

That's part of why I've spent half an hour trying to find one specific post about how sourcing properly can help you find the origin point of misinformation, and am still mad I failed.

EDIT: still haven't found the post, but this video that @penpalpixie linked is exactly the kind of thing I'm talking about. Footnotes!

One of my core memories about cosplay were that whenever someone complimented my outfit, I would say, 'thanks! [friend] made it!' and the friend would then tell me that it was weird to do that, and made them feel like I wasn't actually enjoying the outfit.

That was... god, ten years ago. And even then, I was dedicated to making sure people didn't give me credit for things I didn't do, and hoping they would give me credit for things I actually did.

There are certain series, in fandom, that become so popular that they are used as basis for other fics. Double Agent Vader (fialleril) gave us a system of Tatooine Slave Culture that is almost omnipresent. Soft Wars (Project0506) has inspired lots of people to do fic set in the same universe. Integration Verse (Millberry_5) has inspired dozens of spin-off fics.

You know how sometimes, we talk about how we don't know where fanon came from and wish we did? How we chat about something Yan Dooku, and how it's not canon, and how it took us years to find an answer?

Can you imagine the rush that must come with finding out people love your idea so much they spent so much time wondering about it?

To me, that's what attribution is for. You want to find where the ideas and concepts come from. You want to know how stories and ideas and themes and trends change over time. You look at fandom and go 'huh, I wonder when this shift in shipping happened? I wonder why?'

And if things are cited, maybe you can find out why that one rarepair suddenly exploded in popularity, or that one style of AU is really in vogue but only since August 2024 or something.

The 25k words are so much that you clearly put the effort in, but let us know where the idea came from. You have the link. You told me to my metaphorical face. It's such a strange choice to be mad that someone ask you take the link, which you already have and already associated with the fic, and then put it. On the fic.

If the main inspiration was something else, why not just say that?

I think there's a lot to be said for the kind of hurt where someone makes something based on you, even a little bit, that you then don't get cited for.

I think there's a lot more to be said for someone telling you that you were an inspiration, even linking the exact post, and then making it clear that they don't consider you worth acknowledgement.

Like imagine your friend was setting up a birthday party for their SO, and you suggested a theme a few hours after you saw their text, and they went and did the theme! And it worked great! Their partner loved it! And then the next time you all hang out, you ask your friend, 'hey, did you get that theme from me, or like a tiktok or something?' because maybe they picked a theme before you got around to answering, but they confirm that they did get it from you. They quote the text you sent word for word, even.

And you're happy because you feel like you did something cool and then you mention later in the conversation, in front of your friend's partner, that you're happy they enjoyed the theme, and glad you could contribute to a great day. You didn't do much, all the money and effort was the friend, but yay! You helped!

And someone asks for clarification so you say, "oh yeah, I suggested it."

And your friend says, "no you didn't, that theme is everywhere. I got it from an online article."

And like... if that's true, why didn't you say so?

Why did you tell me I helped inspire you, and then get mad when I brought it up and wanted that tiny bit of credit?

Again, I'm not making this rebloggable. It's very self-pitying and I'm sure my frustration is obvious, but my first Big post about this topic was just timeline and links/screenshots. This one... this one is about the disconnect between what I view as the inherent value and importance of attribution, driven by decades of school pushing me to cite things in detail (like yeah, you have so many resources telling you Queen Elizabeth II's birthday, it's common knowledge, but Wikipedia still makes you cite The London Gazette), and what other people view as fair game in fandom.

So yeah. Hopefully you understand me a bit more now.

[uncanny-tranny]

The hardest, but most important, part of my transition has been untangling what my personal dysphoria is, and what is more a result of cissexism.

What I mean by this is that I learned that I am not dysphoric about certain aspects of myself, my body, and my life, but my discomfort in these aspects was influenced by the cissexist culture I live in which told me I couldn't exist as myself.

It's definitely a slow process, but I have found that it helps me self-actualize and actually see myself instead of what others demand of me.

[hplonesomeart]

Stabby stabby time 😌✨

(Original meme audio source can be found via this YouTube video!!)

[ohithankyou]

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[autisticbiologistmess]

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[jackalhadrurusluvr]

anyone else up feeling like they’ll never have a place in this world

[7fff00]

unfortunately sometimes i am still like, fuck, i know i resented and feared my mother a good 90% of the time [ERROR: UNDERESTIMATE] because she was ""emotionally"" ""abusive"" or whatever,¹ but at least i understood her psyche intimately and felt really close to her, even if it was often close the way a slap in the face is close…

i mean obviously i then immediately squint at this thought and go, welp, that's unhealthy! but like. even though intellectually i believe really deeply in like. Understanding And Respecting That Other People Are Wired Differently i still sometimes feel really deeply alienated by feeling as though i'm running into brick walls where i instinctively expect other people to have endless wells of deep nuanced emotions that they can & will articulate, and instead they just. don't go any deeper, as far as i can tell²??

obviously that sort of inevitably ends up sounding like a weird humblebrag about how exquisitely ~sensitive~ i am, but like, that very much is not my attitude and not my point, my point is that it's so fuckin lonely to feel like you're disconnected from people, maybe especially when like, simulacra of people are right there, so it feels like connection should be possible and then just—repeatedly—isn't—

…anyway tl;dr cloth mother / wire mother lmao

⸻ ¹ sorry for the weirdly facetious scare quotes, the terminology is in fact precisely accurate, i just also for very textbook reasons always have trouble with it! ² yes obviously 'doesn't fundamentally have any capacity for deep nuanced feeling' and 'their awareness of their own feelings is muted by some sort of blanket like "depression" or "their upbringing discouraged even experiencing their own feelings, never mind expressing them" or, you know, one million other possible examples' and 'they don't share their intimate thoughts with you for a range of possible reasons including the fact that you're Bad‚ Actually just being fundamentally reflexively reticent people' are pretty externally indiscernible from one another! i don't pretend to know which etiology is accurate; and in any event it doesn't actually matter why anyone's walls are impenetrable—they bruise me regardless because i'm Bad, Actually

[liamket]

im gonna be honest with you all im barely being held in one peace at this point i don't know why i got even worse than in january

[lemonynuggets]

My friend told me happy birthday bc it’s Basil’s birthday today and the euphoria I felt…

[sophsun1]

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[apotelesmaa]

I think the fact that u can just get prescribed ssris without being told about side effects to watch out for and then have your dose raised and suddenly have your mental health absolutely tank is. So funny. Absolutely incapable of feeling emotions to the point where all of my relationships are fucked (unable to feel affection/love) my academic career is fucked (unable to feel any sense of urgency towards assignments/attendance) my Everything Is Fucked (unable to gauge emotional well-being until things are actually hazardous) but at least I also can’t feel the Consuming Despair. Giving zombie realness. Going through the motions pilled. Apathymaxxing.

[blutprinz]

I hate myself so damn much what is wrong with me what is wrong with me????

I hate myself so much I want to kill myself I don't want to live I want to kill myself :((((

I'm always at fault It's my fault, I did all this to myself, I'm the only reason why my life is so miserable

[camellia-thea]

initially this post had some commentary about interests right now. and then it turned into a ramble about personal healing in the tags. so the interest post is going separately.

[yousaytomato]

I'm helping customers as much as I was a few months ago, I'm still providing good service and good outcomes and I'm more knowledgeable than ever. And I care about my job and we work well as a team and I generally feel like I know what I'm doing.

But, new management have brought in measures to track every single thing we do, we're being observed almost daily by managers, we have targets that aren't technically targets, but "why haven't you done the recommended amount this week?"

There's so many extra things to do, which don't actually add anything to the service we provide, just make us all more on edge and stressed. I'm being made to feel like if I do something wrong, they'll close our department and it will be my fault - because it couldn't possibly be anything to do with the stupid decisions that have been passed down from people making five times my salary.

This doesn't even scratch the service in terms of redundancies and extra training and extra work load and extra responsibilities and reduced benefits and just. Fuck it all.

[roseofcards90]

There’s a sort of loneliness that comes with Halloween now and it’s the reason why I don’t love the holiday as much as I used to before 😔

[korovamlecznybar]

life is falling through my fingers more that usually