#2. desperately trying not to be too much of a bitch about how reductive i think the idea of nott and veth being different fucking is

[revvethasmythh]

Reminded again, as I periodically am, that there's a fair number of people in the fandom that think of Nott the Brave and Veth Brenatto as two different characters, and not fundamentally the same woman. In the absolute literal sense, this is false: Nott the Brave, returned to the body of her choice and using her real name once again, is absolutely precisely the same person she was before Caleb cast Transmogrification on her. This is, incidentally, one of her main sources of angst towards the end of the campaign! A part of Nott must have both feared (and, in some ways, hoped) that when she was changed back into a halfling, she would also be a different person. That the person she became traveling with the Nein would be an easy identity to shed, which she may have hoped for because it would be easier to fit herself back into her home life with Yeza and Luc--and because it would be easier to say goodbye to the Nein if that were the case. And she feared it because she liked this person she became, no matter how transgressive society would label her for it. And she loved the Nein and didn't want those feelings to be altered.

But she didn't change. Veth Brenatto is Nott the Brave and Nott the Brave is Veth Brenatto. This was always the point. That's why it's an anagram. It's just that when she's Veth Brenatto again, she is much more focused on the why of what she's doing. Why am I still with the Nein? Why am I still adventuring? Why do I have this reticence to return home to my family? Why don't I long for that quiet, domestic life the way I once did? Her emotional journey becomes intensely personal, sometimes subtly/quietly told, and wholly about what kind of future she wants for herself and how her choice could affect those around her. Her two families become anchor points pulling her in different directions and she has to deal with that. Which is a different story than what she was telling when she was still Nott the Brave. Nott's story was much simpler--I am a goblin and I hate it and I would like to be a halfling again. I would like to be able to be with my family again. It's straightforward and it's achieved! But that's not where it ends, because she still needs to figure out a real, functional future for herself once her goal has been achieved.

All this to say, I think when people say they prefer Nott over Veth, it's important to remember that you are reacting to a certain story arc for the character, not an entirely different character. It may also pay to ask yourselves why you think they're so different. Was "Nott" funnier than "Veth" to you? Does her ability to serve as comic relief fundamentally change whether you like her or not? Did you appreciate "Nott's" themes more than "Veth's"? Or did you even notice the themes being explored in Veth's later game at all?

[rough-and-whump]

RWT: Drugged Edition

I know I did a RWT: Spoken Word on drugged scenarios, but I was so inspired by a recent post from @thewhumpster that I needed to write a whole other collection of whumpy thoughts.

This post is informed by my own experience with drugs (weed, alcohol, painkillers), my research as an aspiring psychonaut, and then the rest is just whumpy fluff because why not?

[There’s a bit of an “Author’s Note” about drugs at the bottom - but for now - to the whump!]

Psychedelics/Hallucinogens

A whumpee who is very experienced in psychedelics/hallucinogens/harder drugs is dosed with something he knows is bad news. He’s tried it once before, cautiously and with a lot of preparation, but it was still horrible and he never felt tempted to try it again. He’s been dosed with the equivalent of a heroic dose, and the come up is just starting - he knows panicking will make it worse, but he’s so fucking terrified. (might do a write up of this with the Sarge’s surprisingly delinquent bf, Dai)

A caretaker - who appears to the team to be a straight-and-narrow type - is thrown into the spotlight when the whumpee comes back having just been dosed with their first psychedelic. The whumpee is already falling to anxiety and spiraling into a bad trip. No one knows what to do and the tension in the room is making it worse. The caretaker breaks their silence, carries the whumpee into a small room, cozies it up and proceeds to trip sit of the fucking year. They reassure the whumpee, make them comfortable, talk about whatever (idk yet what a shroom convo sounds like), etc. They manage to get the whumpee calm, keep them reassured, etc. Finally, the whumpee falls asleep and the caretaker can leave them to sleep - with every intention of coming back in just a second - so they leave the room. Once the door closes behind them, they sink to the floor, shaking and breaking down. Finally letting themselves express the fear and terror they felt the entire time, but forced down so that they wouldn’t trigger a bad trip for the whumpee.

A whumpee’s terror at what’s actually fairly mundane things, amplified by a strong hallucinogen that induces paranoia and fear.

A heavily drugged whumpee is sent out - unarmored and unarmed - into the middle of some sort of active battlefield. They’re delirious, starved, sleep deprived, and barely able to walk. Visuals, distortions and complete removal of a sense of reality overwhelm them. Can the whumper feel what’s going on? Are they afraid? What do you think they see? What does their side of the fight do? Are they even on a side in this fight?

Painkillers

Our whumpee is a high-powered businesswoman. Some sort of executive, she’s the sort of woman who commands a room the second her high-heels meet the marble flooring. But she’s not only addicted to painkillers, she can’t function without them. Her doctor has told her she’ll die of liver failure before she’s 50 if she keeps going the way she is. She has trouble sleeping, struggles with heart palpitations, and can’t even remember what it’s like not on the pills. But she craves the light-headed disorientation that comes with an excessive dose. She needs it. Can’t deal with all these people, all the dresses, all the fucking high heels, without them. 

A poor naive cinnamon roll whumpee accidentally (maybe a mislabeled bottle, or they grabbed a handful and went for it out of desperation) takes too many painkillers. As they start to feel loopy, they freak out. It’s like they can feel their heart pounding, they feel like their eyes are wigging out, and they don’t know if they’re walking straight. 

Fictional/Fantasy Drugs

[Fictional] A drug enhances Powers, and a poor whumpee has been injected. Do they suffer from horrible side-effects as their Powers increase? Are the side effects from their Power or the drug? Do they struggle to control their powers and end up doing something they regret? Or making a costly mistake?

[Fantasy] A friend in the party is a lycan - but it’s a secret, and no one knows. All they know is she brews a special tea and enjoys it nightly, and drinks it nearly constantly some days (DC 12 Investigation reveals those are days surrounding the full moon). A curious little rascal in the party sneaks some of the tea - and discovers it has horrible consequences for non-lycans. How does the party react?

[Fictional] In a sci-fi world, there’s a rare drug that’s actually a sort of self-contained virus. A naive rookie (here comes #FuturePD again) tries to infiltrate a local dealer’s circle and gets caught. He’s injected with the drug and he’s entirely unfamiliar with how to navigate it - what’s his reaction? What are the sensations? Is he suggestable irl? Is he locked in his own mind with his body free to control?

Bonus Scenarios!

Bonus to the Psychedelics/Hallucinogens 2: The team confronts the caretaker after check up number 3 on the sleeping whumpee. They demand to know why/how the caretaker knows so much about this (maybe they’re suspicious that the caretaker might’ve been working in league with the whumper?). The caretaker admits that they use psychedelics regularly, including microdosing, which is the only way they could keep up with the team. Considering caretaker is their key tactician, this surprises the group - they’ve always been the “smart one”. The caretaker is afraid of the team’s reactions, considering they think that everyone else is straight and narrow types. 

Bonus to Psychedelics/Hallucinogens 2: The Caretaker reveals to the team later that they were raised to think using anything “additional” was not only a weakness but a sin. The drugs Caretaker uses now are almost a sign of their progress in breaking out of the “conditioning” their family put them through growing up.

[Author’s Note time: I am getting all preachy and all political. If that’s not your jam, gtfo quick. Don’t @ me, bruh. If that be your jam, tho, proceed with caution and remind yourself that I’m some idiot on Tumblr and not a fuckin’ doctor. 

Continued under the break.] 

So, I do drugs. Weed, namely, but I do intend to trip on shrooms soon.

Growing up, I never even knew where to get weed. Since legalization I’ve been using it more and more. I’ve found many benefits from it and it’s changed how I think about drugs.

Sometimes it’s easy to forget that caffeine, tobacco, and alcohol are all drugs. Sometimes it’s easy to accept side-effects from drugs we can buy from the pharmacy. Sometimes it’s easy to forget that drugs like weed, LSD, shrooms, and others have legitimate and actual medical use.

That said, it’s also easy to wave a magic wand or put on green glasses and think “hey, it’s a medicine, so I can use it for anything”.

There’s a difference between using a drug as recreation or medication and abusing it to the point of dependency.

I used to pop 4 platinum robax in the parking lot before I dragged myself into the office (this was years ago now) and have 4-12 more throughout the day. Because the mindless disorientation made it easier to deal with the shit I was seeing at work and the abuse my bosses doled out. I continued this for 3 months. 

I would almost always be dizzy. It became something like my goal to always be somewhat “off”. Because then at least I wasn’t confronting my reality.

That didn’t work out well for me. I had to go on medical leave within 6 months. I was a wreck physically for about a year, and it’s only recently that I feel like I’ve finally gotten all that robax out of my system.

Getting out of that shithole, getting psychological help, and getting a diagnosis for Generalized Anxiety Disorder did help. And now, after two years of pharmaceutical SSRIs and therapy, I’m beginning to transition away from pharmaceutical SSRIs. I don’t want to have to take drugs my whole life, but if I must, I’d rather take CBD oil made out of a plant and MCT oil than something synthesized in a lab that has a marked chance of giving me liver failure, increased risk of heart disease, etc.

Seeking psychological help is healthy - it doesn’t mean you’re “weak” or you’re “crazy” or anything like that. It just means you need some help from a professional life-problem solver. Who happens to know how to talk you in circles enough that your own brain starts finally listening to you and not your insecurities and demons.

Anyways. That’s it for Rough being a pontificating bitch. I have whump to do.

Be safe, do drugs, practice harm reduction.

[lacrimosathedark]

Help, please

I know I have 2 posts like this but I just need to elaborate why I need monetary assistance and why I keep asking. I feel you have the right to know, to some limited extent, what you’re paying for. I also kind of need the vent...

I have major depressive disorder, multiple overlapping anxiety disorders including generalized, social, and PTSD, body/gender dysphoria, and an attention deficit and/or autism spectrum disorder. I may have more or my official diagnosis may have shifted so I may edit this part, but last I talked to my therapist about it that was my diagnosis.

I’m going through medications that don’t work. Or they don’t seem to. I also can’t keep taking them at a consistent schedule because my sleep schedule is incredibly out of whack, I’m incredibly forgetful, and even when I have a decent schedule, I get thrown off when my body starts “bloodletting”, because I try to sleep through it, stay in bed as long as possible so I don’t have to think about blood leaking because gravity, and then for at least the first day I’m curled up in pain desperately trying to sleep through it.

I currently don’t have the mental or emotional capacity for a full-time job and am not on assistance so I have no income. I want to do commissions, but I’m not certain I’m capable of doing anything or completing big projects. I can’t even complete my own projects.

Despite this, I pay for my own phone every month which is about $40, and with no income that’s terrifying because I end up begging for work or a loan from a family member.

I owe my father just short of a thousand dollars (he bought my laptop, which is faulty out of the box and I’ve been too anxious to return it and I was gonna pay for it with my financial aid that never came in) and I owe my mother over two thousand (for rent). And because I owe my father, I can’t bitch at him to replace the window he broke in my room. 

I have no means of transportation. I have been trying to be taught to drive for 5+ years and I am still without a licence cuz no one has taught me. The person who usually helps me get places is now too busy to do so and will be having surgery soon so she won’t be able to drive at all. I’ll hopefully be in a program soon to learn to drive, but I haven’t heard back yet. I also don’t have access to a car.

I have no friends so I have no reason to leave the house, and nowhere to go should I be able to leave. My therapist is not happy with me staying at home all the time and neither am I.

Last year I put in an application for group housing/assisted housing. Find out this past week my application had never been processed. That’s fixed but the waitlist is long and I don’t know when I’ll be able to get out of here.

A month or so ago I put in an application for food stamps/SNAP. Last week I got a call saying they didn’t have an application for me. My case manager still doesn’t know what’s going on.

My brother is abusive. He constantly makes an annoyance of himself. He stays up late and watches TV even when he knows I have a hearing sensitivity and sound outside of my room at night makes my skin crawl and I can’t sleep. He gripes on the fact that I’m an adult and I do less chores than him (I’m disabled as previously stated and he thinks he’s neurotypical, and he doesn’t even do the chores he’s assigned), that I can’t drive (no one will teach me I try so hard), and that I’m living at home (even though that’s not unusual anymore). He bitches about me living at home constantly. He calls me stupid, dumbass, retarded, idiot, slow, dumb, and many other things when I say something he finds odd or annoying. He has also called me bitch, whore, and cunt, amongst other things (whore doesn’t even make sense, he’s aware I’m not sexually active) (he has also jokingly called me a faggot in the past). He never leaves me alone even when I’m having a full meltdown and screaming. He laughs at me when I cry. He brushes me off whenever I try to explain things to him. He repeatedly tells me he doesn’t care. If I get bitchy enough and upset him beyond laughing at me, he will physically hurt me. I’ve had red marks and bruises. He’s ripped buttons off my clothes, that’s why I haven’t worn my cat hoodie in months. My bedroom doesn’t have a lock, so he can come into my room whenever, I can’t feel safe there, in my own space. He has and does openly mock my gender identity, recently he commented on my chest which is where I experience dysphoria most. He has no respect for anyone else’s things and I get in trouble when he eats mom’s food.

My mother is overworked. She works all day and most nights and she barely makes enough for us to get by. Because she’s so stressed, if I ever ask for anything, help, food, anything, she gets bitchy. I try to make helpful suggestions for the household and she turns it around like I’m the problem. She’s never around to do anything about her son and she gets mad when I call or text her at work for help because he’s upsetting or even scaring me. She tries to respect my gender identity but she gets frustrated when she realizes she messes up and she gets angry when I correct her and looks at me like I’m a bug on her shoe when I try to make suggestions to make it easier. When she’s extremely mad, she’ll use my issues against me, ex. yelling when I can’t look at her or when I glance away at a sudden movement, or screaming in my face despite my sensitive hearing. This is her at her worst, but her best is very rare because she’s under far too much pressure.

I haven’t bought clothes in months, maybe years. I don’t have anything that really matches my fashion sense, or anything I could wear for something like a job interview. Most of my clothes are hand-me-downs, and/or I’ve had since middle school.

I need to save up for surgery for a double mastectomy, or at the very least a reduction, both for my dysphoria and my health, because my chest is too large for my frame and it hurts my back and posture and I often have trouble breathing.

I’m having an increasing number of health problems and no understanding of how insurance works and with this political climate I should know this stuff, if something is really wrong I can’t afford to fix it.

I don’t want to be alone when I move out, I’d like to take one of the dogs or cats with me when I move out if I’m allowed, so I need to be able to support them too. I can’t be alone. It’d also be great to get them trained to help with anxiety/panic attacks, but that’s so hella expensive.

Sometimes to soothe my depression/anxiety I like to buy small treats or presents for myself, like candy or ice cream or coffee or soda (recently I’ve been buying raspberry Crofter’s), and I can’t afford to do that. I also like to bake when I’m stressed, and it makes me feel good to share what I make and have others enjoy it, but I can’t afford ingredients to make anything. 

This isn’t even listing things I want. This is all needs. If I started listing wants this would be much longer. But as you can see, I need a lot of help. Some people have already been ridiculously generous (I’ve gotten donations of $30 how??? and thank you!!!!) , but I feel like you should know why.

[sorrymomandcat]

Wed. November 6 2019

12:21AM I need a new lighters 

8:09AM 

I woke up with that feeling. 

Surprisingly not tired. 

I might be after I cry. 

Goodbye past.

4:33PM I'm starting this in my car on my anxious pressured 'break' at the ever busy Budapest. I'm gonna not. Brb.

4:55PM Okkkk, I’m going to be real with you.

I had a lot of clever ways to open this conversation but I have forgotten them since sitting in my Ferrari having not 1, but 2 smokes. You ever feel like you’re chewing on your own teeth? No? Good, that means you haven’t smoked meth for the past 255 days. To be clear- Cobain, Lampwick & The Joke are all synonyms for a former co-worker. Although the same person, they’re sort of not #mentalhealthawareness. TLDR; the more evolved part of me really hopes this guy is just a mean, jaded fucking asshole because the alternative is that they’re deeply psychotic and likely the permanent kind. Both leave little hope for improvement but the former at least KNOWS that. KNOWS I know. I could do a whole bullet-point slideshow fucking presentation on the red flags I had been seductively blindfolded to through exploitation of deepest nature and a stubborn unwillingness to accept pain and anger & I just might. I might. I might need to! I processed most of it as it was happening, denial was a bitch though. If you come from a place of; neglect, abuse and chaos but decided to assess your damages rather than project them on to innocent and typically pretty wonderful people.. then you need to equip yourself. Even if you took the more outward approach, leaving everyone in your path as empty useless collateral damage.. you could benefit as well. Tell yourself 'I’m only self-improving to gain further access and a tighter hold of my victims’ It doesn’t matter. Educate yourself on the impact of trauma/abuse/upbringing. See what happens to you. @ me. 

5:53PM There’s a lot of Construction Boyz here tonight. They hit on me and I’m all like ‘omg I smoke crystal meth and I’m in an over-sized hoodie at work with obviously contrasting roots growing in.. you have no idea how much I needed this’ hahah. Still, it’s nothing quite like the validation I get from making humble jokes to myself in my neurotic head! Where was I? Oh yeah. The Joke; Lampdick. This motherfucker fucking pulls out a REAL LIFE meth pipe, Chief Leaf right there. Of course CL is through-n-through up to date and real time a best friend without judgement, so it doesn’t reflect on me, but I’ve been fighting tooth (lol) and nail against obvious (but not blatant) disapproval toward this endeavor with Joke.. (of course gaslit with remarks like ‘fuck the haters’ ‘you’re really going to care what they say’ ‘it isn’t their relationship’ .. you’re the hater.. they treat me with consistent respect so duh.. you’re absolutely fucking right-it’s ours-and it fucking sucks because you’re an abusive psychopath.. shove that isolation groundwork technique up your) ? No respect. To pull out a fucking meth pipe after:

Day 1 appreciating we had a different DOC (drug of choice) and agreeing that use needs to be controlled in the best harm reduction sense possible & I firmly disclosed that I am 100% in no fucking way ever going to be okay with anyone-ever smoking meth near/with me. I still barely forgive the fuckers that ever let me do it - and I know full God damn well it was my choice/fault/willing action. I barely forgave myself! For letting them let me! Or that I even let me let them do it! So. No. It was immediately made clear. Day 1.  

Throughout this treachery The Joke made here-and-there comments about like “pass it this way” and “why don’t you save me any” and other repulsively ignorant and juvenile comments and my stance toward the matter remained firm. Which he always met with “yeah I know! I’m obviously joking! I agree! I would never do that to you” Like I was crazy for hardening my responses. Fucker, fucking fucker.

Seeing/hearing what I have vulnerably shared and experienced since the first day I made this choice (and I know not everyone who has/will make that choice is going to have MY experience. I’m not claiming that. I’m claiming ‘I don’t give a fuck what another person’s experience may be - I am not fucking here for it’ - ‘it’s a no from me dawg’ 

Knowing how desperately I am trying AND want AND try to want (some days it really do be like that) to stop smoking crystal. To end-all repair the damage it has done to myself, my relationships and my life. To prevent the inevitable damage that waits if I don’t. 

Not to mention all the attempts at ‘crazy making’ by exploiting my guilt and fear of potential harm: caused by crystal meth. ie; “you’re definitely sleep-stealing my keys and/or moving things because YOU’RE smoking crystal meth, and that shit is BAD bad + your traumatic childhood,’ (that he doesn’t give a fuck about unless using it against me in similar scenarios) ‘so come on. You can’t deny engaging in these behaviors, that I refuse tell you about. You meth-trauma black events out.. you’re not conscious of it because of YOUR big bad drug.” (which it is and I don’t intend to downplay it)

Seriously. These are real events & that’s just scratching the fucking surface. Note: this blog intentionally has NO followers and is ran anonymously. My intention is only to self-vindicate the man made madness I've enabled. Yet STILL it manages to drag into a month and a half of my God damn precious and OBVIOUSLY seriously fucking sensitive time. I feel NO shame for that; for struggling right now. For falling the fuck on my ass/face/faceassfuckhands onto a SERIOUSLY cemented floor! that manages to also be falling upwards into my fucking face! So instead of ceasing upon impact; continuously bashing my fucking FACE in. It fucking happens man. I fucking know that and I fucking own it as shamelessly as is safe to. Not as a way to justify where I am right now - but to foster a belief that I am worth the insidiously meticulous effort that's required to be better. In a better position to improve the quality of how I serve myself and thus actually beginning to serve those around me. Jesus shit what a Joke. I can’t believe I let myself: be treated this way, be ignorant to it, be willing to entertain the idea that maybe it was OK (even warranted).. but between you and me: I find it even harder to believe that another human being - one who has clearly been deeply wounded as well - can see the genuine sincerity of another human being’s soul and heart.. compulsively bleeding from a profundity raw enough to captivate a nihilist.. and humbly exposes it.. with nothing but purity in the regard of inherit human good.. and could intentionally stick their dirty fucking arms vigorously inside and tear at the exposed gauge made faithfully available. I’m not innocent here. But there’s no blood on my hands. I won’t point my fingers but my eyes are staring right at you. I know what you did to me. I did not agree to it. I agreed to taking the risk. Do you know what you did to me? Educate yourself. Wash your fucking hands. 

I didn’t bring any crystal to Budapest today. I didn’t know I was going to begin opening this, or I would have.

= I’ve got to go for a smokes. 

That’s enough for now. 

7:55PM I don’t know wtf but Doug offered me to get stoned and so I did outside but the guys who needed to switch rooms came back and then outside too because they insisted on my break.. Golf was looking for tape and offered me a Tim Horton’s, I said hot chocolate. Then Striped Vest guy also forever chatted and offered me a Tim Horton’s; I said hot chocolate. Still no tape and I tell him about Striped Vest and hot chocolate. He says ok. Meanwhile, Doug and his friend Chevy Lover are shooting the shit too and Doug asked for my number. Well first he asked if I was single. He asked if I was dating anybody LOL first of all I’m stoned and second of all the literal words out of my mouth were ‘everybody’ sincerely believing it as a reflection of my innocent love for life and immediately realizing that was a stupid answer so on reflex I said “no, myself. ha ha no. nobody. nope. that’s a. this guy who was my boyfriend died once. like a long time ago. no. weird. yeah it was wicked. wait what? why? but no. I don’t. not.” and I’ll never forget that or this hot chocolate. 

8:03PM Golf asked me to put his poppy on (dude you’re 51, you’ve definitely done this more than me and I HATE war) so I asked him like, when the war was and what it was called - “Oh no, I don’t know a lot about history” meanwhile a second ago he was like “I guess I should put one on because my Grandpa fought in the war” no that was you. anyways so I’m learning about WW1. You say you remember so much, name 5 of our veterans? #therealneverforget 

Disclaimer: I still haven’t read anything about it, I’m sorry to all relatives of dead soldiers I deeply condolence and RIP. No disrespect. We out here.

8:07PM Damn I really wish I had another hot chocolate.

8:39PM How is it not midnight?

[feminafatalis]

i wanna talk about laura cheating on shadow and what it means in terms of her morality and like what kind of person she is, but since cheating is a rough topic i’m gonna put it under a read more. please do read this if it won’t be triggering for you though because i think it’s gonna be really important to understanding my portrayal of laura! this may not be free of spoilers, but as far as i know i’ve stuck mainly to information and details we already know from the show. if i go into book stuff, i’ll put a spoiler warning

so okay, first things first: i’ve seen some stuff in laura’s and emily’s tags about laura being a bitch or a whore, etc and i’m not even gonna address that tbh but someone brought up like not condemning her for like the sexuality of it, but examining her morals. and that’s 100% valid!!! but they said like her ‘shitty morals’ or something and honestly?

laura isn’t morally shitty. she’s morally weak.

because if you think for a second laura like??? doesnt know what she’s doing is fucked up and wrong, then we are seeing two very different lauras.

and yes, she does it anyway. but that is not indicative of some like moral seed of evil. she’s lonely and sad and weak.

i don’t think robbie ever forced himself on her or really even took advantage of her because she definitely had most of her agency in the situation, but i also see so many indications that???? no part of her actually wanted to be with robbie. like as sad as it is, robbie is a complete stand-in for shadow. when she mentions being with him, she often mentions being drunk. she, as far as i can tell, drinks to ease the guilt she feels sleeping with robbie. (again, i’m not saying any of this is right, but i am saying that laura didn’t one day go ‘fuck shadow i wanna get laid’ and sleep with robbie)

robbie was a drunken mistake that made her feel special and safer and loved. i’m also going off of the fact that in book canon, shadow isn’t super expressive (which i’ll get into more later and im gonna put a spoiler warning)

i also don’t think laura’s friendship with audrey is particularly healthy. it’s 100% tenuous, probably a little high school. im certain that they don’t get along more often than they’d like to admit. of course i’m not trying to minimize what audrey’s going through (and i think the show and betty gilpin did a really good job of like portraying how much it fucks her up) but there are aspects of her personality that i could identify as seriously clashing with laura’s. i think audrey was a little more cynical, probably a bit more biting and sarcastic in her everyday life. and i think laura, before her death, was the kind of positive you only are when you’re really making an effort. laura doesn’t have a good relationship with her mom (clearly evidenced by the fact that shadow doesn’t get along with her mother. shadow meant the world to laura and if her mom was ever unkind to him i really don’t see laura tolerating that)

shadow was laura’s best friend, if not (by the time they got married) her only real friend. is that healthy? of course not. but it was definitely a reality. laura has people she’s friendly with. but her circle is audrey, robbie, and shadow. audrey is her best friend on paper, but they are old friends and definitely grew to be very different people. robbie is the person who knew shadow and was shadow’s best friend, so it makes sense that laura is more drawn to robbie for companionship than audrey because he is more like shadow

so now let’s think about laura who’s just lost her best friend in the entire world. it’s her fault. she doesn’t really shy away from the fact that she is the reason shadow went to prison. i can’t remember if they go into detail about what happened, but he did it to protect her. so: 1) the love of her life/her best friend is in prison. 2) it’s her fault. 3) her ‘best friend’ audrey is someone she connects with less and less every day. 4) robbie is there.

also!!!! laura is ABSOLUTELY self sabotaging. she knows sleeping with robbie will damage her relationship with shadow, and whether she is conscious of it or not, she thinks shadow is better off without her.

NOW let’s talk about that dick pic shall we?

gross.

so we see her phone, her texts to robbie seem to consist mostly of plans to meet. but he texts her that dick pic and she says DOWN BOY

i know this seems like im reaching but she is pretending he is shadow

it’s literally this big sweet inside joke that shadow is her puppy. they don’t go into it on the show which is absolutely obscene because it is the sweetest thing in the world and im gonna paste it in here for anyone who hasn’t read the book.

“When they got married Laura told Shadow that she wanted a puppy, but their landlord had pointed out they weren’t allowed pets under the terms of their lease. “Hey,” Shadow had said, “I’ll be your puppy. What do you want me to do? Chew your slippers? Piss on the kitchen floor? Lick your nose? Sniff your crotch? I bet there’s nothing a puppy can do I can’t do!” And he picked her up as if she weighed nothing at all and began to lick her nose while she giggled and shrieked, and then he carried her to the bed.“

So, yeah it’s a reach but I genuinely think Laura is just pretending Robbie is Shadow. She talks to him as if he’s Shadow, she gets drunk before she sleeps with him. She’s miserable because the love of her life is gone.

I’m not saying Laura is a morally pure person. But she’s not an inherently bad person. She did a bad thing out of desperation and emotional instability and now she’s dead and she can’t apologize because she doesn’t feel all that sorry because she can’t feel anything bc she’s dead. so yeah im not seeking to absolve her of guilt, but like she was also suffering a lot without shadow and the way she coped with it totally sucked! but i also see it as a very (tragically) human thing to do.

PLOT/BOOK SPOILERS BELOW

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another thing: i haven’t read this far in my reread so i don’t remember much detail but shadow is called shadow because he is a shadow of a person. that’s why i think his race is made to be a little bit ambiguous, he doesn’t talk much, and is all together pretty passive in the book. they changed these things because a) shadow as a protagonist needs to be a little bit more relatable/engaging, b) the show would be dry without dialogue, and c) like re: race you inherently have to choose a human to play the role and that person is inherently going to have a racial identity so like that’s just how that works

this is why i identified so strongly with shadow in high school, lol. he isn’t fully himself!!! he’s not fully alive, even! so obviously that factored into laura feeling so distanced from him. all she got were phone calls, potentially rare visits where he was likely suffering a lot emotionally and thus may have been even more distant? and like that’s not his fault, but again laura is a weak person. she needs a lot of love and care and reassurance which shadow can’t possibly give her in prison. it’s not his fault, it is her fault, but shadow has sympathy for her so i ask that you do too! and like you probably do bc you’re following me but ive seen a lot of hate in her tag and it just made me sad bc she’s so complex and to just write her off as a sack of shit is totally reductive bc she was definitely like wracked with guilt when she was alive. we just don’t see it now bc she’s dead and like expressing whatever guilt she had to shadow doesn’t make sense to her because its over, she already did it. and what’s the sense in making shadow feel guilty or sorry for her?

so yeah thats my spiel im sorry it turned into such a rant. but if you got this far thank you omg! ur a star and i hope you understand laura’s nightmare of an existence a little better (at least according to me) lmao love y’all! pls go easy on my dumb zombie daughter

[prettyflyforacyguy]

all

rlord christ uh okay

1: Kitchen Counter, Couch, or on top of the dryer?

kitchen Table. ;3

2: Your last sexual encounter: Good or Bad and why:

good!!!!! it was early morning and aiden was off work so we decided to mess around and it was just v low stress and nice

3: A fictional person that you think would be good in bed:

hm uh. who;s that one tiger from zootopia? shit dice drew a commission of him a while back. the sexy one. he’d treat me right.

4: Something that never fails to make you horny:

there are like a million dumb fucking things aiden does that makes me lose my gdamn mind!!!!!! like, when he loosens his tie and gives me The Sex Look or kisses my neck in a certain spot... luv that husband

5: Where is one place you would never have sex:

somewhere kids could see :/

6: The most awkward moment during a sexual experience was when ______________

one time admittedly when i was new to anal i had the inevitable ShitDick scenario bc i didn’t know how to prep myself properly........im so fucking sorry, trey, im so sorry

7: Weirdest thing that ever made you horny:

this petsmart flyer came in the mail once. that was a weird jerkoff. made me realize im deep in petplay pff

8: What is the best way to sexually bind someone: Handcuffs, Rope, or Other [if other please explain]:

aiden;s been practicing shibari and it’s pretty fun! i’d say its my fav way to be restrained rn 

9: What is the fastest way to make you horny:

it aint hard idk

10: Top or bottom?

this bitch be bottomin, my ass is Ready

11: We were about to ____________ but then ______________ [example: we were about to have sex but then his mom walked in]

12: Is one orgasm enough? Are multiple orgasms necessary?

it depends on how much stamina u have or if you’re in the mood for more? that time waiting for the refractory period tho suuuuuuuucks, im so jealous of dfab ppl that can come multiple times :/

13: Something that you have hidden in your room that you don’t want anyone to find:

a valentine’s present for aiden, shhh

14: Weirdest nickname a significant other has ever called you:

sometimes aiden fuckign. does French Shit and i dont know what he’s saying until after but it’s kind of become a joke because we’ll be having a really nice moment and he’ll lean in and like, whisper some bullshit like “my little lima bean” or “my sweet polished fork” and i fuckignt rftg,,, IT STILL SOUNDS HOT, WHY IS HE LIKE THIS 

15: Two things you like [or dislike] about oral sex:

that “pop” noise when ur mouth comes off the dick. also, when he like, holds your head with his fingers tangled in your hair and bobs your head down on his cock g gg go gogfdoood thats so hot i love it when he does that to me its nice

16: Weirdest sexual act some has performed [or tried to perform] on/with you:

welcome 2 Trauma Land next question

17: Have you ever tasted yourself? [If no, would you?] [If yes, what did you think?]

yeah. it’s a pretty slutty thing to do, it’s not great tasting if u don’t like, pineapple and shit but it’s a pretty good way to get your partner turned on more

18: Is it ever okay to not use a condom:

if u and ur partner get tested together and r clean and not seeing anyone else

19: Who was the sexiest teacher you ever had?

my sophomore year humanities teacher in my study abroad program....holy Fuck. hooooly fuck. mr. nakamura still gets me going to this day. he has a wife tho :(

20: A food that you would like to use during a sexual experience:

whipped creaaaam!

21: How big is too big:

some bad dragons are really intimidating. christ.

22: One sexual thing you would never do:

let ppl use me as an object again :/

23: Biggest turn on:

humiliation is pretty good

24: Three spots that drive you insane:

my neck

my back

my pussy, and my crack.

25: Worst possible time to get horny:

driving is pretty rough.

26: Do you like it when your sexual partner moans:

ch r is  t  y es

27: Worst sexual idea you ever had:

define “worst,” anon.

28: How much fapping is too much fapping:

who fucking calls it “fapping” still

29: Best sexual complement you ever got:

Yikes^TM

30: Bald, landing strip, Jumanji:

is this like, a lesbian thing? i dont get it

31: Is it good sex if you don’t nut:

YA GATTA NUT!

32: Fill in the blank: "If they ____________, we are fuckin"

IF THEY TRUCKIN WE ARE FUCKIN!

33: What your favorite part of your body:

my belly........? idk i used to Hate My Mcfuckin Self but aiden blows raspberries on me and its fkin cute holy hell

34: Favorite foreplay activities:

if i suck on aiden’s fingers he basically fucking Dies on the spot, so that’s fun to use. for myself, uhh. thigh kisses are hot. so hot.

35: Love (>,<, or =) Sex For those of us who don’t remember our math thats “greater than, less than, or equal to]

there was a a time when i wouldve said sex is bnetter but no, it’s Lov....i Love Husband

36: What do you wear to bed?

boxers, and my husband

37: When was the first time you masturbated:

probably when i was like nine or ten? in the “i dont know this is masturbating but it kinda feels nice” way

38: Do you have any nude/masturbating pictures/video of yourself?

there’s a lot floating around there but most of it is during The Bad Time

39: Have you ever/when was the last time you had sex outside?

uhhh shit its been a while i can’t really remember?

40: Have/would you ever have sex outside?

mhm. it’s not my fav tho

41: Have/would you ever had a threesome?

i;ve had more than a threesome, buddy

42: What is one random object you’ve used to masturbate?

when i was young and desperate and trying anal for the first time i used a vibrating toothbrush but no one told me you’re supposed to not use the brush end. the bristles were rough. 

43: Have/would you ever masturbate at work/school?

yes to both?? im a tiny troglodyte man what do u expect

44: Have/would you ever have sex on a plane?

maybe? this is a very specific situation, i know aiden would rather die than do anything on a plane tho

45: What is one song you’d like to have sex to?

i feel it coming - daft punk

46: What is something nonsexual that makes you horny?

literally like anything can make me hard im fucking easy

47: Most attractive celebrity?

my husband....he’s a star, to Me...

48: Do you watch gay/lesbian porn? why/why not?

yes. source: am gay

49: If a child was born on the occasion of the last time you had sex, how old would that child be right now?

Unborn.

50: Has anyone ever posted nude pictures of you online?

yes. i dont particularly like to think abt it but there’s a. big fan community wanting me to “come back” and it makes me super uncomfortable.

51: What is one thing that NEVER makes you horny?

girls :/

52: Do you have stretch marks? (How do you feel about them? Has anyone ever had a problem with them?)

i have a couple on my thighs and my belly from some healthy weight gain, but aiden doesn’t mind. he likes em

53: Do you like giving head? (why/why not)

dick....me Sucky Cock...nya

54: How do you feel about tattoos on someone you are interested in?

i dont rlly care

55: How would you feel about taking someones virginity?

i was a few people’s first lay and it was uh. difficult. they think they can just pound a man’s ass like their fleshlight and it’s rough when you’re like, laying there and your ass is on fire while you remind them to use more lube and also fucking go slower to start

56: Is there any food you would NOT recommend using during a sexual encounter?

sticky rice. good fucking lord, do not use sticky rice.

57: Is there anything you do on Tumblr that you would not like your significant other to see?

not really? we don’t hide things from each other

58: Do you own any sex toys? (what is it? (how long have you had it?)

we own a Shit ton. i’ve had some since i was like, a teenager but i’ve been collectin some over the years

59: Would you give your significant other unrestricted access to your Tumblr for a day?

oh god no. aiden barely knows what memes are

60: Would you be offended if your significant other suggested you get plastic surgery?

no, me and aiden have already discussed like, scar reduction shit. i have a few nasty keloids :/

61: Would you rather be a pornstar or a prostitute?

neither?? i mean, i was both for a while but *SLAMS TRAUMA BUTTON*

62: Do you watch porn?

duh

63: How small is too small?

all dick is good dick!!!!

64: Have you ever been called a freak? Why?

continues to Slam the Trauma Button

65: Who gave you your last kiss? Did it mean anything?

66: Would you switch phones with your significant other for a day?

probably not because aiden’s in a group chat with his work buddies and they’re all middle aged or young mom nurses. im a fish out of water.

67: Do you feel comfortable going "commando"?

sure, as long as its not like skinny jeans or something

68: Would you have a problem with going down on someone if they hadn't shaved their pubic hair?

not rlly. good dick is good dick

69: If you could give yourself head, would you?

im p sure everyone tries but usually i get my husband to B)

70: Booty or Boobs?

ass. please god, i’m all about ass

71: If you had a penis, what would you name it?

Ass Blaster 69

72: Have you ever been on an official date?

yes? like a movie and restraunt thing?

73: Have you ever cheated on someone? (Why?)

not that i know of, but there was a point when i was pretty low in life that i hopped around w/ partners and one night stands.

74: If you were a stripper, what would your name be?

the Pole Faller. i have no body strength and im named that bc i’d fall off the pole

75: Have you ever had sex in your parents bed? (Would you?)

no??????????? nO??

76: How would you react if you found out your parents had sex in your bed?

what...what kind of question even is this

77: What was your reaction the first time you saw a penis/vagina

“god i wanna put my mouth all over that”

78: If you had a penis/vagina for a day, what are five things you would do?

DOUBLE PENETRATION!!!!!! DOUBLE PENETRATION!!!!!