#3E-New Movement

[imsobadatnicknames2]

What's OSR? I've seen you mention it several times in your RPG posts. Is it like a genre of rpg or...?

Hey, sorry I took so long to reply to this lol you probably already just googled it by now.

But like. Anyway.

OSR (Old-School Revival, Old-School Renaissance, and more uncommonly Old-School Rules or Old-School Revolution, no one can really agree on what the R means) is less like a genre and more like a movement or a loosely connected community that seeks to capture the tone, feel and/or playstyle of 70's and 80's fantasy roleplaying games (with a particular emphasis on old-school editions of Dungeons and Dragons, particularly the Basic D&D line but pretty much anything before 3e falls under this umbrella), or at least an idealized version of what people remember those games felt like to play.

There isn't exactly a consensus on what makes a game OSR but here's my personal list of things that I find to be common motifs in OSR game design and GM philosophy. Not every game in the movement features all of these things, but must certainly feature a few of them.

Rulings over rules: most OSR games lack mechanically codified rules for a lot of the actions that in modern D&D (and games influenced by it) would be covered by a skill system. Rather that try to have rules applicable for every situation, these games often have somewhat barebones rules, with the expectation that when a player tries to do something not covered by them the GM will have to make a ruling about it or negotiate a dice roll that feels fair (a common resolution system for this type of situation is d20 roll-under vs a stat that feels relevant, a d6 roll with x-in-6 chance to succeed, or just adjudicating the outcome based on how the player describes their actions)

"The solution is not on your character sheet": Related to the point above, the lack of character skills means that very few problems can be solved by saying "I roll [skill]". E.g. Looking for traps in an OSR game will look less like "I rolled 18 on my perception check" and more like "I poke the flagstones ahead with a stick to check if they're pressure plates" with maybe the GM asking for a roll or a saving throw if you do end up triggering a trap.

High lethality: Characters are squishy, and generally die much more easily. But conversely, character creation is often very quick, so if your character dies you can usually be playing again in minutes as long as there's a decent chance to integrate your new PC into the game.

Lack of emphasis on encounter balance: It's not uncommon for the PCs to find themselves way out of their depth, with encounters where they're almost guaranteed to lose unless they run away or find a creative way to stack the deck in their favor.

Combat as a failure state: Due to the two points above, not every encounter is meant to be fought, as doing so is generally not worth the risk and likely to end up badly. Players a generally better off finding ways to circumvent encounters through sneaking around them, outsmarting them, or out-maneauvering them, fighting only when there's no other option or when they've taken steps to make sure the battle is fought on their terms (e.g. luring enemies into traps or environmental hazards, stuff like that)

Emphasis on inventory and items: As skills, class features and character builds are less significant than in modern D&D (or sometimes outright nonexistent), a large part of the way the players engage with the world instead revolves around what they carry and how they use it. A lot of these games have you randomly roll your starting inventory, and often this will become as much a significant part of your character as your class is, even with seemingly useless clutter items. E.g. a hand mirror can become an invaluable tool for peeping around corners and doorways. This kind of gameplay techncially possible on modern D&D but in OSR games it's often vital.

Gold for XP: somewhat related to the above, in many of these games your XP will be determined by how much treasure you gather, casting players in the role and mindset of trasure hutners, grave robbers, etc.

Situations, not plots: This is more of a GM culture thing than an intrinsic feature of the games, but OSR campaigns will often eschew the long-form GM-authored Epic narrative that has become the norm since the late AD&D 2e era, in favor of a more sandbox-y "here's an initial situation, it's up to you what you do with it" style. This means that you probably won't be getting elaborate scenes plotted out sessions in advance to tie into your backstory and character arc, but it also means increased player agency, casting the GM in the role of less of a plot writer or narrator and more of a referee.

Like I said, these are not universal, and a lot of games that fall under the OSR umbrella will eschew some or most of these (it's very common for a lot of games to drop the gold-for-xp thing in favor of a different reawrd structure), but IMO they're a good baseline for understanding common features of the movement as a whole.

Of course, the OSR movement covers A LOT of different games, which I'd classify in the following categories by how much they deviate from their source of inspiration:

Retroclones are basically recreations of the ruleset of older D&D editions but without the D&D trademark, sometimes with a new coat of paint. E.g. OSRIC and For Gold and Glory are clones of AD&D (1e and 2e respectively); Whitebox and Fantastic Medieval Campaigns are recreations of the original 1974 white box D&D release; Old School Essentials, Basic Fantasy and Labyrinth Lord are clones of the 1981 B/X D&D set. Some of these recreate the original rules as-is, editing the text or reorganizing the information to be clearer but otherwise leaving the meachnics unchanged, while others will make slight rules changes to remove quirks that have come to be considered annoying in hindsight, some of them might mix and match features from different editions, but otherwise they're mostly straight up recreations of old-school D&D releases.

There are games that I would call "old-school compatible", that feature significant enough mechanical changes from old-school D&D to be considered a different game, but try to maintain mechanical compatibility with materials made for it. Games like The Black Hack, Knave, Macchiato Monsters, Dungeon Reavers, Whitehack, etc. play very differently from old-school D&D, and from each other, but you generally can grab any module made for any pre-3e D&D edition and run it with any of them with very little to no effort needed in conversion.

There's a third category that I wouldn't know how to call. Some people call then Nu-OSR or NSR (short for New School revolution) while a small minority of people argue that they aren't really part of the OSR movement but instead their own thing. I've personally taken to calling them "Old School Baroque". These are games that try to replicate different aspects of the tone and feel of old-school fantasy roleplaying games while borrowing few to none mechanics from them and not making any particular attempts to be mechanically compatible. Games like Into the Odd, Mörk Borg, Troika!, a dungeon game, FLEE, DURF, Songbirds, Mausritter, bastards, Cairn, Sledgehammer, and too many more to name. In my opinion this subsection of the OSR space is where it gets interesting, as there's so many different ways people try to recreate that old-school flavor with different mechanics.

(Of course, not everything fits neatly into these, e.g. I would consider stuff like Dungeon Crawl Classics to be somewhere inbetween category 1 and 2, and stuff like GloG or RELIC to be somewhere imbetween categories 2 and 3)

The OSR movement does have its ugly side, as it's to be expected by the fact that a huge part of the driving force behind it is nostalgia. Some people might be in it because it harkens back to a spirit of DIY and player agency that has been lost in traditional fantasy roleplaying games, but it's udneniable that some people are also in it because for them it harkens back to a time before "D&D went woke" when tabletop roleplaying was considered a hobby primarily for and by white men. That being said... generally those types of guys keep to themselves in their own little circlejerk, and it's pretty easy to find OSR spaces that are progressive and have a sinificant number of queer, POC, and marginalized creators.

[annakacoyett]

Ghost

Summary: Furuya Rei is in Class 3E, Kunugigaoka Junoir High.

(Pt.2)

(Pt.3)

Having to kill a giant, three meter tall yellow octopus was not what Rei had in mind when he accepted his scholarship to Kunugigaoka. 

Nor was he informed of the intricacies of the school's social ladder. 

Figures they'd stuff the halfie into the bottom of the barrel. 

He wasn't the only one in this class. 

Rio, Maehara, and Muramatsu were obvious— blonde hair, blue eyes. Just like him. 

Kurahashi, Hayami and Mimura were also varying degrees of blonde— most of them leaning more towards the red hair scale. 

Rio was excited that Rei was joining, having kept in touch with him since that time he ran into her while getting groceries. And that was well over four years ago, when he was nine and she was eleven. 

Rei was in her class now— class 3E. 

None of them were surprised he skipped two grades. Rio even got him to help her with her math homework on the daily. 

His teachers knew of his potential too. They were just too close minded to give the chance to test out of it. 

Rei took matters into his own hands and tested for Kunugigaoka, just because he could. 

And he got in. He got in. 

The day that was announced at his elementary school was the best day of his life— nearly everyone had their jaws to the ground, looking at him like he was some sort of alien. 

If only they could see him now.

Angling his gun, Rei closed one eye and titled his head. The abomination of a creature was moving in front of them, seemingly standing still. 

They all knew better, however. Their newfound teacher was moving so fast that he seemed to be standing. 

Keeping the target in his line of sight, Rei blurred his vision briefly. 

The movements slowed down, the images flitting over as if he's looking through an animation storyboard. 

He took a calming breath. 

Slower. He needs it slower. 

The movements went slower. Rei has a two second window, if he's going to do it right. 

His target is largely unknown, for now. He'll do more intel gathering later. 

He has time, and he needs is curiosity satisfied. 

That is, if these BBs do any damage at all. 

The octopus is still doing attendance, completely unaware of the stunt Rei's about to pull. 

Jokes on him— Rei’s home district is Beika. 

His neighborhood is the slums. 

He had to learn a thing or two to survive as an orphan, and to protect the other kids. Kurusa-nee-chan can't always protect them, even if she tries her damn hardest to do so. 

Old man Kamado taught him a thing or two before he passed, and Rei's been using the trick without fail each time. 

The octopus still moved, calling out names and going down the list. 

He's last. They won't reach him until the very end. 

That's how it's always been. 

Rei. 

Zero. 

The end. 

But being invisible has its perks. 

Among the noise of gunfire, loud bangs resonating around the room, no one noticed another in its mist. 

Their movements slowed, and Rei's eyes glinted, pulling the trigger. 

His aim seemingly went nowhere. 

“Furuya Rei!”

BANG!!

SPLOSH. 

They all stared in shock at the wriggling tentacle, their new teacher going from his normally bright yellow complexion to a decidedly much paler one. Gray. 

Huh. Color equals emotion, eh?

Anyhow, the yellow tentacle is still thrashing on the ground, its stem very clearly not connected to its main body. 

Rei met his new teacher's eye head on, firing off another round. 

It didn't hit. 

That's okay, Rei didn't expect it to. 

He placed his gun down, disassembling it like how Karasuma-san showed them.

Yellow octopus or not, he's just trying to survive.

They all are. 

And they're going to, unless they can't kill this thing by March.

“Here, sensei.”

[talenlee]

3e: Haste!

New Post has been published on PRESS.exe: 3e: Haste!

Oh boy you know what’s the most broken spell available in 3rd edition D&D well now you mention it it’s a contentious slot because there are a lot of spells that are really, really broken and third edition had a lot of them flying around but when it got broken you kind of had to start in the core rulebook and see the things that you’d wind up seeing used all the time and nothing was really ever going to wind up being as broken as this one it’s haste it’s haste look it’s obvious I’m talking about haste haste was so very goddamn broken in third edition D&D.

If you’ve played D&D 3rd edition and its family type of games, odds are really good you may remember haste as being ‘important’ but not that big a deal. Haste is, in 3.5, a really important, very valuable spell; it’s a great reason to have transmutation spells available to you, because at the level you get it (5, for wizards), it can represent a big upgrade in your damage output. 3.5 Haste is a group buff power, and everyone affected by it has a movement speed upgrade, but also when they make a full attack action, they get an additional attack at their highest bonus. At level 5, when you get it, that’s effectively doubling the attack output of every melee character. If they’re dual wielding, okay, you only increase it by 50% but that’s still a lot for a single spell.

Back in 3rd edition, though, Haste was a very different spell. True to the spirit of it, but also, not the same thing at all. See, back in 3rd edition, Hasten was a single-target buff that lasted for 1 round per caster level (so, 5 when you got it). When you used it, it granted you +4 to your armour class, because you were moving so fast, and a partial action. This action could be used after or before your normal action, and that meant that haste, on the turn you used it was -1 action for +1 action; so it was basically neutral…

… and then, every turn thereafter, you had two actions. Attack-wise, you could use your partial action to do partial charges. Meaning that, if you’ve got haste, the duration of that haste was basically the equivalent of pounce and a bonus attack. That’s a lot of extra damage on the person who casts Haste, which you know, isn’t that great. Of course, clerics could get that, with the Celerity Prestige Domain (but let’s not talk about prestige domains today, they are silly). But let’s ignore that for now, this isn’t the important thing. Using haste for melee is really strong, to the point where items that let you get single turns of haste are highly desireable magic items.

But.

But.

You can use that extra partial action to cast another spell.

And suddenly, this spell represents double spelling every turn. And at level 5, you may think ‘hey, that runs you out of spells really quick’ and that’s true, but if you’re spelling twice as fast as any one else, you’re going to end fights faster and knock out problems faster. It’s an immense level of power when you remember that spells are designed to have impact enough to shape a whole turn, and then haste lets you cast two.

This is, honestly, kind of where a whole generation of Game Opinion Havers learned the term ‘action economy.’ In a game system where everyone had n actions, someone having n+1 actions is a big disruption, and when that someone is also built so that their actions are themselves, worth more than n actions every turn, you start multiplying that effect. The result is that haste was, for the whopping two years of 3.0 D&D, the conventional wisdom was that the most powerful thing you could do was be a wizard, and use haste to pump out broken spells.

And that’s not wrong.

The funny thing was that this illusion that wizards got haste, so they could use haste best, so the most powerful class was the wizard, but there were also available, in expansions like Defenders of the Faith and oh no look we’re at the prestige domains, and suddenly clerics could get access to haste. Turns out that? Everything the cleric could do that was just as busted? Suddenly also the cleric had haste too!

I don’t think anyone went out of their way to make haste overpowered, by the way. I think haste was a name of a spell from 2nd edition that was very good, and so there was a deliberate push to make the version in 3rd edition also very good. That wasn’t playtested to push it to its edge in 3rd editions first release, and a powerful spell got through. What was amazing then, however, were all the people arguing after that about whether or not it was reasonable.

It may not surprise you to hear this, but it seems that haste, as 3e designed it, was not a reasonable spell. It was too powerful, but because it was in the game to start with, there was a mindset that no, it had to be okay, and anything else it displaced, that was intentional, and the problems were all directly built out around that displacement!

Because the assumption was that the game as product was released to us ‘fine.’ That the game’s base version needed official errata (and it kind of did, for everyone to have a equal platform to talk about the game design). But it did mean that for anyone who wanted to address problems with the game, there was always a fundamentally reactive political body that wanted to assert fixing these problems was always, always going to against the idea that the game we bought was fine.

Even when it had Haste in it!

Check it out on PRESS.exe to see it with images and links!

#DnD3E #GDQ2023

[thecreaturecodex]

Deadly Dancer

Image by Steve Prescott, © Wizards of the Coast. Accessed at the Tome of Magic Art Gallery here

[Of all of the experimental subsystems introduced in the 3.5 era, my favorite was the binder from Tome of Magic. They make flexible pacts by summoning vestiges, unbodied spirits that desire to influence the world through mortal proxies. Each vestige grants a different suite of powers, and a binder can swap out between vestiges each day or specialize in one. WoTC seems to have agreed that the binder is awesome, since the 4e and 5e warlocks are pretty much a fusion of the binder and the original 3e warlock. The vestiges in Tome of Horrors are a split between D&D deep cuts and references to the Ars Goetia and other demonologies, although the vestiges resemble their demonic predecessors in name only.

For example, Paimon. In demonological lore, Paimon is a general with a beautiful face and a hoarse voice who rides a camel and is especially devoted to Lucifer. Those that invoke him can be taught science and the secret arts, as well as being granted familiars.  In Tome of Magic, he is the Tin Woodsman made out of blades instead of tin. He grants bonuses to Dexterity and dancing based powers, and is a good match if you want to play a binder as a finesse fighter. The deadly dancers worship him and are said to be perhaps his transformed devotees. But they work just fine without him.]

Deadly Dancer CR 4 CN Aberration This gray-skinned creature is loosely humanoid, but it seems as comfortable walking on its arms as its legs. All four appendages are roughly the same length, and terminate in long thin blades. Its face is a series of horny plates, with tiny yellow eyes and no mouth. It spins and glides along, moving from one limb to the next like a ballet dancer.

A deadly dancer is a strange, vaguely humanoid creature that moves with astonishing fluidity and grace. They can balance easily on the tip of a single limb, spinning and slashing at all of the creatures around them. Their normal movement is in cartwheels and somersaults, and they rarely stand completely still for long. Deadly dancers are blood-drinkers, and need to soak their appendages in freshly spilled blood, with they absorb through capillary action. The similar feeding mechanism suggests a possible link with the mad slashers, but the two species rarely interact.

Deadly dancer is the name given to this species in vocal speech—their name for themselves is difficult to interpret except in sign language. The language of deadly dancers is something like sign language and something like semaphore, with the posture of the entire body as important as the gesturing of a single limb. They can be taught to understand other languages, but have no mouths to speak them. Deadly dancers are not evil, but they have no qualms about consuming other sapient races. They are violently devoted to their troupes, and will fight to the death to defend one another. Because they have no appendages to manipulate tools, they tend to shelter in caves or lean-tos, or simply sleep out in the open in warm areas.

The reproduction of deadly dancers is unusual. They are sexless creatures, and reproduce by snapping a bladed appendage off into a fresh corpse of a Medium size or larger creature. The blade absorbs tissue from the body, forming into a new deadly dancer over the course of one or two weeks and emerging from the dried husk like an insect from a cocoon. Doing this is dangerous to the deadly dancer that loses a limb—it takes the blade over a month to regrow, during which time the creature has difficulty moving and hunting, and the wounds often become infected. Thus, deadly dancers rarely reproduce unless they are well fed and well guarded by their fellows.

Deadly Dancer        CR 4 XP 1,200 CN Medium aberration Init +6; Senses darkvision 60 ft., Perception +7 Defense AC 18, touch 16, flat-footed 18 (+6 Dex, +2 natural) hp 30 (4d8+12) Fort +4, Ref +7, Will +3 Defensive Abilities improved uncanny dodge Offense Speed 50 ft. Melee 3 appendages +9 (1d6+2/18-20) Special Attacks slashing fury Statistics Str 14, Dex 22, Con 17, Int 11, Wis 8, Cha 15 Base Atk +3; CMB +5; CMD 21 Feats Alertness, Weapon Finesse Skills Acrobatics +14 (+22 when jumping), Perform (dance) +5, Perception +7, Sense Motive +4, Stealth +12; Racial Modifiers +4 Acrobatics Languages Aklo (cannot speak), Bladesign Ecology Environment warm land and underground Organization solitary, pair or troupe (3-8) Treasure incidental Special Abilities Appendages (Ex) The appendages of a deadly dancer are a primary natural weapon that deal slashing and piercing damage. They threaten a critical hit on a roll of 18-20. Slashing Fury (Ex) A deadly dancer may make a melee attack against every opponent in its reach as a standard action. When it does, it suffers a -2 to its attack rolls and AC for 1 round.

[ajaviary]

Coup De Grace Ch 2 (Pt 2)

Summary: Lovro’s choices from years past put a target on Irina’s back from an old friend. See how far she will go to keep those close to her safe. Loyalty comes in all forms, and Class 3E has that in spades. How will Karasuma and Class 3E handle the aftermath as Irina recovers from her injuries.

Rating: M 18+ (DNI) TW: Rape, Rape Recover, Gore, Dark Content, Depression, PTSD (A lot of bad shit, so be warned if you’re sensitive to this sort of stuff. Summary: Lovro’s choices from years past put a target on Irina’s back from an old friend. See how far she will go to keep those close to her safe. Loyalty comes in all forms, and Class 3E has that in spades. How will Karasuma and Class 3E handle the aftermath as Irina recovers from her injuries.

Click here for (Ch 2 Pt 1) or (Ch 1 Pt 1) or (Ch 1 Pt 2) =================

~Twenty Minutes Ago~

Karasuma looked at the blinking lights that signified the locations of each of the students as they were in their teams. “Report” he said as he used his own speed and skills to do a quick search of another estate that was in his sector to check. 

“Alpha squad has nothing so far, ” Toka spoke up as she nodded toward the others to search another house. 

“Bravo has nothing to report, ” Rinka spoke up as stood on one of the adjacent roof tops, gun raised and tracking the movements of her team as they searched another house.

“Charlotte squad is empty handed, ” Rio tells them with a little humor as she glances toward Karma who is looking into one of the windows of the houses in their search area.

“Delta hasn’t found anything yet, but we haven’t finished our sector,” Nagisa spoke up, his attention raised to the surrounding houses that had been searched so far.

“Team Octopus hasn’t found anything yet either,” Korosensei spoke up as he was charged with handling the outer areas of their search. Pretty much everywhere that would take them too long to search. 

‘Damn it’ He thought as he paused for a moment to X out the houses already searched in their area. Ritsu was also doing the same as well, but he liked to be old school a lot of the time. It also gave him something to do. 

“Ritsu go over what you have on Dimitri Belyaev again, ” he requested, as she began to recite the information as he moved to the next house.

Pausing on one of the rooftops as Koro Sensei appeared before him, the phone stretched in his direction. He picked it up cupping it to his other ear that didn't have the microphone in his ear that connected him to those in class 3E. 

“Karasuma, I may not have been forthcoming about my location earlier. I wanted to see what you, the octopus, and his class would do before enlisting your help. It seems I misjudged how much you care for my protege. Your computer friend can trace a call no?” Lovro questioned from the other end.

“She can, ” he said after a moment well aware that the phone call and the radio in his ear allowed for the children to hear parts or all of the conversation. He glanced around, not truly surprised to see that the rest of the students were searching their sectors as he had this conversation. 

“Good, good I have received a message from Dimitri and would like to trace his location. Your search seems to be dragging on and time is short.” Lovro told him from where he was lingering in his rental car; he purchased under his fake alias. He tapped his finger against the wheel as he waited for his answer.

“Of course, ” he agreed as he plugged a small device into the charger port on his phone, the small device a gave picture of Ritsu as she hooked up to his phone and then the call itself, allowing her to access Lovro’s phone as well and use the signals from the two to attach to the new call he was making.

  ~Current Location~

Nothing could prepared him for the house they came too nestled in the opposite area of their search grid. Dimitri had purposely played them all and as impressed as he was, he was angry for not having considered it a possibility. He frowned to himself as he regarded it from where he stood on one of the adjacent roof tops. The kids had all kept up and it went without saying as the class split up into two separate entry units. Half would go with Koro Sensei the other would come with him. He knew they wanted to go in and it was because of their reactions to that call that he decided to let them go inside. They would have gone in without then...this way he could possibly minimize the damage. 

With a few short hand signs they moved out advancing to the property and as he pressed his hand to the glass window he was feeling for anything that  stood out. When nothing did, he tested the window and frowned as it didn't open. He wasn’t surprised by that, he smashed the glass with his elbow, doing what he could to limit the sound. He paused waiting to see if their entry brought any attention. When he didn't hear anything. He reached his hand inside after brushing away the glass and unlocked the window and wished it up, before carefully entering the home. He held up a hand and listened once more, before he moved to motion for the others to come in. Their new suits, easily able to protect them from any glass.

Silently they moved through the house easily picking up the conversation still happening. The tail end of the condescending words directed at Irina as she struggled to rise to her feet. Karasuma’s hands curled into fists and yet he didn't go to her. He wouldn't diminish all that she was still doing to protect those she cared about.

As the sound of wind blowing from upstairs, she raised her eyes above to the top of the landing where Koro Sensei and his half of the class were clustered at the top of the stairs. Her frown only deepened and her gaze dropped to the blood stained floor for a moment. Her hands balled into fists as the sounds of the next squad entered in from the kitchen area as well as the lower master bedroom. She didn't dare to look at the rest of them, she could feel his eyes on her all the same. 

“Stay out of this.” Her words were slow and short and with each breath she took could feel the way her chest rose on her left side and the way the pressure built on the right. She should have felt grateful, but all their presence offered her was a heavy shame that pressed down on her shoulders. She couldn't even do this on her own; not really. She clearly still needed help. 

How pathetic am I? 

How far have I fallen?

“They’re just here to watch you fail, little Irina. They know you can't do this on your own. Why else would they be here?” Dimitri questioned his words chosen with care to ensure that he got into her head, made her doubt herself.

Her fingers curled tighter into a fist and her hair had fallen forward to cover her eyes from view. For a moment both sides were silent.

“Shut up! What do you know about a fair fight anyway?! You've cheated from the moment you took her hostage!”

“She’s going to kick your ass, dude. I hope you're ready to get beat by a girl!”

The insults from the students kept up and it was just as well because they offered the distraction that allowed him to slip forward. His fingers cupping her cheeks, tipping her chin up so he could look at her. Could look into her eyes and to see the way the bruised eye was slow to follow the other. Her gaze skirted away from him and she would have moved away if she wasn't aware that she couldn't afford to look weak, he could hear the wheeze of each breath she took. His fingers were warm against her freezing skin. The trembling was a sign in itself. She was on her feet from will alone. “You can do this, ” he told her seriously. He had the utmost confidence in her, but that didn't mean he wasn't worried. This was far from a fair fight. 

His thumb brushed the edge of her lips wiping away the blood. “We aren't here to get in your way.” He told her softly as his fingers cupped her cheeks. As her eyes widened, he rammed his elbow back into Dimitri’s solar plexus as he twisted around to slam him into the ground on the way down, as his foot had tripped the other. His fingers around his neck, as he leaned over him. “Careful pal, ” he warned him, his dark eyes murderous as he resisted the urge to do more than he already had.

“Oh shit!”

“Nice one Mr. Karasuma!”

Irina was quiet, watching from where she had yet to move. As her gaze took in the room for a moment. He didn't doubt the reason she wasn't saying anything was because of the pressure of the air that was circulating to press on the other lung. He wasn't a doctor, but he’d seen things in his days in the army. She didn't have too much longer that she’d remain on her feet. As much as he wanted to end this man’s life. He knew he couldn't. Not if he wanted to keep his word. He would always keep his word. He stepped back, and resisted the urge to smash his foot against his face a couple hundred times. As the blond grinned up at him in no hurry to rise to his feet. 

“Isn’t that cute, you care for my sloppy seconds?” he questioned with a wide grin.

Irina’s gaze immediately dropped to the floor, her cheeks scarlet from shame, and her own foolishness. He wouldn't forget the emotion in those wide blue eyes and in that moment he was reminded of how young she actually was and how fragile and yet how strong. She was still standing, and wasn't ready to concede and allow them to step in. 

“If your done talking like anyone cares about my sex life. Let's move on Dimitir, ” her gaze was hard and her emotions were locked behind the wall she kept up most of the time to keep the world at a distance. She covered the cough that wanted to bubble in the back of her throat, the blood that tickled the back of her throat another issue as she wiped her mouth as though she had something on her face. The blood ran down the outside of her hand and down her arm as she tried to hide it. It was dark enough no one would see it.

She pointedly ignored Karasuma, being more telling than if she’d said anything to him. She shouldn’t care what he thought, but she couldn’t deny that she naively cared about his perception of her. 

Karasuma knew there was very little that he could say, instead he blocked Irina’s view of Dimitri, watching as her body shook slightly from the chill that hung in the air and her resisting the urge to cough. He gave a slight tilt of his head a signal that told her something else. 

Dimitri used this little bit of time to address the gathering. “I shouldn’t have to tell you all to not interfere right?”

Koro Sensei flew down stopping right in front of his face, his face black and angry, his teeth large and his mouth wide open.

He began to speak loudly and wave his tentacles  around. “You’re nothing but a weak little boy, who has to cheat to win. We will not intervene because it's what she wants. You are of little concern to us. To ensure this fight is fair though. I'll be happy to referee. A knife in the middle should be sufficient. It's the only weapon in the ring. The match is timed for 5 minutes or until the other party is either dead or rendered unconscious. How's that sound?” 

He questioned his features evening out to a bright smile and but the black never quite faded.

Irina’s hands covered her mouth, the first coughing fit causing her body to violently rock on her feet. Blood seeping through her fingers. Her head tilted away from him. The first fit triggering the second. The sound of the blood hitting the floor was impossible to miss. Strong hands on her shoulders kept her on her feet. He could see the black and blue bruises that covered her side from the loose tank top she wore, it was ripped down the side as though a knife had cut the fabric away. Her right leg was no better swollen and clearly broken. The damage was more severe than he’d anticipated. He should have expected it, but it didn't make it any easier to see. He also noted that the tight shorts that hugged a few inches of her thighs were not what she’d left the house in this morning. He wondered if his earlier words had a different meaning. She was barefoot, and looking more damaged than he’d ever seen before. His fingers brushed back her hair to gently inspect the wound on her forehead and round knot there. A concussion was highly likely. And the heavy bruises along her right cheek and jawline.

As his fingers curled along her wrists she tried to pull her hands away from him. His grip was firm and wouldn't allow her to slip through his fingers. “Irina, it’s ok,” he voice was low and smooth, he managed to bank his anger for now. He wiped the blood off her hands with his shirt. His thumb gently brushed across her lip, taking any traces of blood away. 

Dimitri regarded the creature standing in front of him before he let his gaze try to move past him, but Koro Sensei moved to be in his way every single time. “Death huh and none of you will get in the way?” He questioned as he rocked back on his heels and let his gaze travel upward toward the kids who were up on the upper landing. “I’m going to take great pleasure in watching the light drain from her eyes, while you all watch.” he gave a dark chuckle.

“Don’t let him get in your head, you can do this.” he said softly as he stepped back. She schooled her features doing her best to focus on what was in front of her before she walked the last four steps to the ring. It only consisted of the main open entrance, but it was large enough for what they would need. The students hadn't moved from where they were waiting above and below. As Karasuma stepped back to where several of the students resided, he crossed his arms over his chest, and schooled his own features. He could still hear her screams in his head, something he wouldn't forget anytime soon.

“I’ll make sure you don't go out of bounds. But yes we won't interfere.” Koro-sensei told him as he tossed a knife in the middle of the floor where it embedded itself blade first into the marble. Irina noticed it was a knife that would easily fit into even her hand. The blade was long enough and it was similar in how his anti-me knives were made and the length matched  too. The knife was even in the middle between them both. She watched Dimitri waiting to see if he would give anything away. He’d had her at a disadvantage now and their every interaction since. This was her only chance to put her demons to rest...all she had to do was out maneuver him, out play him. She had back up plans for her jobs, all she needed to do was do the same thing for this.

Toka was at the top of the stairs, her fingers curled tightly around the banister. Her eyes took in the injuries from even this distance. Easily able to see them, even in the dark. As one of her classmates hit the lights, she covered her eyes, before allowing them to adjust to the new brightness level. 

“I think that’s fair, everyone can see now,” Koro Sensei said with a wide grin, his gaze traveling to Irina and then again to Dimitri. Studying them both from where they stood. He’d have seen this fight going in Irina’s favor, but with all her injuries he couldn’t say for certain...he hoped she won, but this was a tall order, one he wasn’t sure of. 

A few of the students gave strangled noises of surprise, so not all were aware of the true beating she had taken. The fact she was able to walk at all was a testament in itself to her own strength.

“On my mark, 3...2...1 Begin!”

They both rushed forward, but there was no denying the speed difference, the way her leg hindered her progress. Neither went for the knife instead they went after the other. His kick aimed at her right side was a copy of what she’d done to him at the park. She had to block the move with both arms at slightly different angles. Keeping her feet as she allowed his momentum to be used as a sort of springboard. Her left leg took the impact of her landing as she hopped back once more to ensure she kept her footing and left her injured leg for a last resort. 

“Does the Lovely Black Widow have a limp?” he wondered condescendingly. “How will you complete your missions now, unable to seduce your targets. Will you be another black mark against our father?” His wild eyes settled on Lovro who had been silent as the exchanges continued. “Do you remember how you screamed when I broke it?” he questioned loudly, ensuring his voice carried to all the room, as he went after her.

Irina arched up on her good foot and tried to ignore the memory that flickered in the back of her mind, the flash of emotion on her face was a telling sign in itself. That moment of distraction was what he was looking for as he swung his left fist toward her head. She raised her arm to block him, but it forced her to place her weight on her injured leg to keep herself up right. She stumbled back a step as her leg almost buckled at the added weight. His leg hooked behind her injured one and tripped her as his left arm curled around her left wrist forcing her to not have a way to catch herself as they both slammed into the ground, he used his superior weight to apply pressure against her injuries. He leaned over her, his knee digging into tender pressure points just above her kneecap. She breathed through her nose to keep from crying out. His lips close to her ear as he spoke in a tone only she would be able to hear. “After today, who could love you now?” he questioned with a low chuckle. 

Her teeth sank into his ear and pulled away from him, the flesh tearing as she didn’t let him go. His screams probably the most satisfying sound she would hear. As he reared back, she grinned as blood ran down her chin and she spit out the piece of his ear. Doing her best not to think too much about it or she was likely to vomit. She rammed her forehead into his nose by using her arms to spring her upper body forward. As he toppled off her, she began the process of trying to get to her feet. Coughing up blood with enough force her eyes were watering from both her headache after hitting him and the obvious. Her right leg wouldn’t quite hold her weight, wouldn't bend enough this time to allow her to get foot under her. As he yelled out obscenities' at her. She didn’t glance at him, aware she had a few seconds. Get up, c’mon!

“You fucking bitch!” He ragged blood running down his face from his broken nose and from his ear seeping into the collar of his shirt. “I’m going to fuck you up!”

And then admitted out loud what she wanted to deny, what he did. “You’re going to spread your legs for me just like old times!” The blood drained from her face and she refused to acknowledge what he said. She swayed on her feet as she was finally able to rise to her feet. Her gaze darted for the knife as she saw it several yards from where she was. 

The collective sound from the kids was enough for her to realize that they were drawing conclusions, opinions. He was elusive enough, but as her gaze sought out Karasuma’s red eyes, she realized he knew. She wiped at the blood on her mouth and refused to let her attention waver again, as her adrenaline continued to dampen her pain enough she could still move.  She pushed across the marble floor heading for the knife. Irina knew Dimitri was heading for it too, she could see him. His strides were longer than her own. She couldn’t keep pace with him.

 As his fingers curled around the knife, he raised his eyes momentarily distracted as he went to gloat, her nails got into the tender flesh under his eyes again as her left knee smashed into his nose. He jerked back the knife slicing into her side. As they both fell, her momentum drove them both to the floor. As her injured leg smashed into the ground at their landing she let out a pained cry. Her free hand pulled at his pinky that held the knife as her left leg pinned into his wrist. 

Dimitri gave a savage sound even as he was forced to jerk his head further away from her fingers that we're pressing his eyes out. His right hand swung out toward her, ramming into her broken ribs. She spit blood as she gave gasping wheeze and tried to get in oxygen on her next breath in. She knew her time was running short. Her left hand didn't let up as she forced his fingers to retract from the knife. 

He struck her again in the side with his right fist as her fingers curled and pulled the knife from his grasp. She held off the coughing fit that came with his last strike. Her fingers withdrew from his eyes and drove the knife down into his chest. She thought of the little boy he’d been, not who he’d become now. Her eyes watched as the light faded from his eyes. Her body pitching forward as her vision darkened and her lungs couldn't get enough oxygen. Warmth seeped into her shoulder as Karasuma’s jacket draped over her shoulders. She blacked out soon after that. The feeling of being lifted gently was the last thing she remembered.

-------------

Everyone was stunned in silence for a moment as Koro Sensei was gone only a few moments after the knife pierced Dimitri’s chest and Irina collapsed. Appearing next to her, his wide eyes shooting to Karasuma was in the middle of the ring, his fingers touching her cheek for just a moment as he placed his jacket over her still form. He checked for a pulse and checked to see if she was still breathing.

“We can’t do anything for her here,” he told him as Koro Sensei lifted her gently In his arms and was gone, having taken Irina to the hospital no doubt her injuries were life-threatening.

Karasuma for a moment wasn’t sure what to say as he surveyed the room. “We’ll talk more outside,” he told them as he pulled out his phone and began a quick call to his supervisor. The Ministry of Defense would handle the cleanup. He traded a few words with Lovro, who had crouched beside the man who had at one point been close to him like a son. He let the man grieve in private.

Koro-sensei had returned as the students stood amongst themselves in the moonlight  whispering in low voices before they noticed him. He gave them what little information he could. Irina was rushed back to surgery at the local hospital, which was as far as he knew. He did also point out that he listed Karasuma as her fiancé, something about this way it allowed them to get medical updates. 

As he checked over his students. Many expressed an interest in wanting to wait at the hospital. He glanced at the night sky and debated before he shrugged as together they made their way there. Pilling into the van the Ministry of Defense had provided for them. 

Karasuma drove them with Koro-sensei in the passenger seat, as he once again relayed in a quiet voice the situation she was in on the flight over. He explained how she hadn't been breathing, but there had been too much blood for him to do anything. He explained that the doctors immediately began to work on her as he passed her onto the gurney. He wasn’t allowed back to see her after that, but he’d heard them mentioning trying to stabilize her before surgery.

His fingers were white on the steering wheel as he drove. He could overhear the students in the back talking quietly amongst themselves. 

“Do you think she’ll be ok?”

“She has to be.”

“She should be all good, you saw her take him down right?”

“I’ll admit I wasn't expecting that. You saw her...i'm glad she won, but was the cost of her pride really worth it?”

“Children, sometimes it's about atoning for past mistakes. It may not make sense to us, but to Miss Irina it was enough to put her life on the line. That should be reason enough to be proud of her. Don’t you think?” Koro Sensei questioned as he twisted in his seat to look back at them.

“I’m sure she's in the best care, ” he added after a moment,, but no one missed how he didn't say that she would be alright. 

“I'm sure she will appreciate that you kids were here. You all did very well tonight. I know I may not have seemed thrilled at first, but I appreciate you being here, ” Karasuma spoke up from the driver's seat as he stopped at the red light that was taking forever to change. His finger tapping against the wheel.

“She protected us, in ways we didn't pick up on. No one noticed the weight she carried, I feel like it was something we should have noticed. Like we failed to pay attention.” Nagisa spoke up his fingers curled tightly in his lap. He like a few others had been going back to the last couple weeks, conversations had and small signs missed. 

“If we had noticed would today have happened, would she be righting her life right now?” His question hung in silence. No one had an immediate answer for him.

“You aren’t the only ones who choose to ignore what was in front of you. Brushing it off as her usual antics. She put up a front to handle this on her own. These choices are ones she has to live with, she has no one to blame but herself.” Karasuma answered after a moment. He may have been kicking his past self for not pressing when he noticed the little things. He assumed she’d ask for help, would eventually open up. It was clearly a mistake. She was so used to working alone that it wasn’t really surprising that she wasn’t used to asking for help. 

“Are you kidding me right now! Just because she made her choice to keep this to herself doesn't mean she deserves what happened to her! He was a psycho!” Toka exclaimed from where she sat her eyes glaring at Karasuma as he drove, her hands fisted in her lap.

“That’s a little harsh even for you Mr. Karasuma. Don’t you think?” Questioned Kayeno from where she sat with the others.

“If the roles were reversed you would have asked for help from us?” questioned Karma as he leaned back in his seat, his tone condescending. “Given all the shit we give her, can you blame her?” he let that question hang there because it wasn't just a black mark on them. “We’re just kids. This was some adult shit we probably shouldn't have been involved in anyway. Not that I'm complaining, but realistically it's something normal society would frown upon.”

“Now, now, children. I don't believe that's quite how Mr. Karasuma meant to come across. I think we’ve all had a long few hours...lets just see what we can find out from the hospital about Miss Irina.” Their teacher cut in stopping any more arguments before they could continue. He was sure everyone was just still overwhelmed from what had happened so far.

-------

The rest of the drive was done in silence and a few shared glances, but everyone was quiet as they entered the Emergency Room and settled into the waiting room chairs as Mr Karasuma went to speak with the nurse at the check in counter.

Nagisa regarded the way Karasuma stood at the nurses station. Shoulders tense and elbows on the desk as he leaned closer to the girl at the counter, keeping his voice low. He wasn't as put together as he wanted everyone to believe. He turned to Karma as he touched his shoulder and the two of them moved away as though they were going to find the restroom and as they turned one of the corners Karma stopped him by leaning against the wall for a moment and Nagisa mimicked him, but put his hands I'm his pockets. 

The class had changed out of their Ministry of Defense uniforms and instead we're wearing their street clothes before they got there. “So what's up?” The blue haired boy asked as he watched Karma place a finger to his lips and motion behind him with his thumb. With a soft sound the boy covered his mouth with both hands. It was from this location that they could hear what Karasuma was being told by the nurses at the desk.

“I’m sorry, but we don't know how long she will be in surgery, it will likely be several hours. Her injuries were grave when she came in, ” she glanced at his clothes and his hands before her attention went back to his face, studying him. “I’m aware, my colleague brought her in. She works for the Ministry of Defense. I’m asking for her medical file. If you can’t give it to me, then get me your supervisor.” He didn't raise his voice, but his tone had lowered and anger was creeping into the force of his voice. 

Frowning, the young woman narrowed her eyes at him, clearly not liking his attitude. “I’ll see what I can do. For now I suggest you have a seat. I will bring it over to you Mr…” she paused waiting for him to get with the program. “Karasuma, ” he told her his hand fisted on the desk, as his response came automatically. “Will she make it?” the question was a whisper, almost as though he hadn't meant to say it out loud. He jerked his hand away as the nurse laid her hand on his own. She didn't take it personally. “No one can be sure, but she's in God’s hands now. There is a chapel if you want to use it, ” came her soft words. 

He reached his hand up to wipe at his eye, surprised to find it wet. As she gave him the directions he wasn't sure he’d wanted until she’d mentioned it. His mind flashing back to the night on the bridge, where he’d mentioned she should work for the Ministry, work with him and told her she should  live with him. Karasuma entered into the small chapel; it was a quiet space with only two pews in each of the two rows that were angled toward an altar in the front of the room that held a stained glass depiction of a man in a robe standing before the sick and injured. The lights in the room were low and the room lit by candles. He bowed his head overwhelmed with his own emotions and the fear that she may not survive the night. 

If there was a God, the one she believed in…

 He found himself on his knees.

 Hands fisted before him.

 As he, like so many before him, begged to a man for the survival of their loved ones. 

Praying for her to survive so he could do what he hadn’t been able to do these last few weeks, so he could tell her what he hadn’t had the chance to say to her earlier. He had been too caught up in checking on her, he hadn't wanted to distract her. He couldn't be too late. He needed a chance, just one more opportunity to tell her the truth. 

To tell her how much he loved her.

Tagging: @oldloveforever

[imperial-nuisance-rudje]

So I recognize that Exalted 3e: Crimes of Nature has like a week's worth of video uploaded and that's incredibly intimidating if you haven't been there since the start. If that's what's been keeping you from hopping on the crimes train, please read this helpful, spoiler-free, guide that a member of Loon's discord made as a guide—the episodes that are absolutely vital to watch in order to understand anything story-wise are bolded, the rest you can decide from the description if you'd like to watch them.

As always, the live streams are every Monday 7pm eastern (I believe that's currently GMT-4?) and I'd like to see some new faces in the chat with us. We've just hit the end of Essence 3 last session and next session will be the start of the final arc, so.

[koreaunderground]

(2021/05/04) Report: U.S. spy planes deployed near North Korea amid possible military activity

[upi.com][1]

  [1]: <redacted/google-it>

# Report: U.S. spy planes deployed near North Korea amid possible military activity

Elizabeth Shim

2-3 minutes

* * *

May 4 (UPI) -- U.S. Navy and Air Force spy planes flew near [North Korea][2] several times in recent days, as Pyongyang condemned Washington's North Korea policy and the latest satellite imagery showed activity at Nampo shipyard.

  [2]: <https://www.upi.com/topic/North_Korea/> (North Korea)

Aircraft tracker RadarBox disclosed data of movements of the U.S. Air Force's Joint STARS E-8C aircraft and the U.S. Navy's EP-3E Aries. Both aircraft were deployed at the end of April, South Korean news service News 1 reported Tuesday.

The E-8C flew over the West Sea or Yellow Sea, between China and the Korean Peninsula on April 25, Wednesday and Thursday. The EP-3E flew over the Korean Peninsula on April 27. The timing of the flights coincided with last week's North Korea's Kimilsungist-Kimjongilist Youth League.

The tracker also showed both spy planes were deployed Sunday, when Pyongyang issued three separate statements critical of the United States and South Korea.

The E-8C is capable of detecting targets at more than 155 miles. The EP-3E can intercept signals and usually carries a crew of linguists, cryptographers and technicians.

The E-8C has been regularly deployed in the peninsula in recent months.

In January, ahead of the opening of North Korea's Eighth Party Congress, online tracker NoCallSign reported movements of the E-8C. The plane flew over the Seoul Metropolitan area at the time, according to South Korean newspaper Chosun Ilbo. On Jan. 9, a day after the opening of North Korea's Eighth Party Congress, the U.S. spy plane flew over the Seoul metropolitan area, according to News 1.

South Korea's joint chiefs of staff said Monday that there has been no unusual activity this week.

Last week South Korea's Joint Chiefs of Staff public affairs chief Kim Joon-rak said North Korea appeared to be upgrading submarines.

On Sunday, North Korea warned the United States against adhering to a "hostile policy."

[tonal-modulator]

Meet Meryse

Meryse Rielle is my new Hero of Kvatch. She was born in Daggerfall in 3E 406. (Yes, that makes her my second late-Third Era Hero who is 27 at the start of the respective prophecy; no I did not do that on purpose.) She was 11 when the Warp in the West happened, and being a proto-Hero she was able to sort of perceive and process the Breaking more than most people, but adults would brush her off when she tried to ask anything about it, and that bugged her. So when she grew up she started to do research into what happened, and her research eventually led her to Cyrodiil.

She's never really liked or trusted the Empire. She saw what they did to her homeland to win their allegiance, and believed that everyone brushing her off was at least in part some sort of coverup, though she also recognized that there was something weirder involved too. In her studies, she also tried her best to keep tabs on other secret Imperial activities and movement of the Blades, like the time they were rumored to send an agent to overthrow Morrowind's government and religion because they were resisting Imperial control, for example. Generally, she doesn't buy the whole "We're so tolerant and forward-thinking!" shtick that the Empire likes to play; she thinks they want control and they will commit war crimes (even if they don't even have Geneva) to get it.

Her parents wish she would just be a nice mage and focus on studies that are less likely to raise Imperial eyebrows, befriend the nobility, and work on finding her place in society. When she says she's going to Cyrodiil, they're tentatively optimistic that she's maybe growing up and picked up a task from a noble, but they're quickly disappointed when they learn that it's pretty much the opposite of that.

When she gets to Cyrodiil, she doesn't trust the Empire or anyone loyal to it to give her any answers she's looking for outright. So she decides to go to the Elder Scrolls Library on official research pretenses and see if she can uncover anything. She gets caught snooping through less public areas and trying to copy things down for future reference, and gets arrested, and so her journey begins.

(picrew source)

[libertineangel]

Introducing my all-in-one OC: Delam Farano

Delam Farano is a Dunmer spy, too often pressed into saving an Empire he hates.

Born in 3E 375, his parents were formerly mid-ranking members of House Hlaalu, part of a minority group within the House that opposed further Imperial encroachment on Morrowind’s traditional institutions, content to have them as business partners but not leaders. Due to this, they were vehemently opposed to the appointment of Vedam Dren, known Imperial ally, as Grandmaster, and as a result they were “strongly advised” to leave Morrowind by the Cammona Tong. As a result of this, Delam was born and raised in the town of Riften in Skyrim, being taught of his heritage, his birthright and all the traditional skills necessary for a young Hlaalu initiate.

He took to this education well, with a quick mind, a steady hand, a talent for moving quietly and a cool head under pressure, and he began working as a spy-for-hire (and occasional thief or assassin, for the right price) in the courts of Skyrim’s Jarls, making steady coin and connections off their conflicts, all with the intention of building a power base strong enough to reinstate his family’s rightful place in Morrowind. Unfortunately, his skill earned the attention of the Empire’s Blades as a potential agent, and what the Empire wants it tends to get: one night he returned to his chambers to find a note telling him that he had impressed the Empire and his services would now be put to their use, that he should take a carriage waiting for him outside the town gates in the morning and that he should then expect a letter from his parents, who had been relocated to an Imperial settlement.

Clearly seeing the veiled threat in those words, he took the carriage, felt a hood go over his head and upon its removal found himself in High Rock, where he was informed he would be stationed until further notice, reporting to another local agent and receiving short letters from his family every few months, to which he of course could not reply. He began carrying out the Empire’s orders, working diligently as always, until one day he was given the assignment to exorcise the spirit of the late King Lysandus, a task which quickly escalated far beyond what anyone had expected.

After the Warp in the West the Empire lost track of him, and he took that opportunity to use what information he had gleaned from other Blades agents to try and find where the Empire kept its hostage families, but was captured and thrown in the depths of the Imperial Prison, too valuable to execute but too dangerous to be sent into the field for extended periods except at utmost need.

Utmost need arrived a decade later when he was sent to his true home of Morrowind, where it suited the Empire’s needs to have the Nerevarine Prophecy fulfilled and he was the only agent the Blades thought stood a strong chance of succeeding. Delam did his job admirably, while leaving a cell only a handful of times a year for a decade had dulled his skills somewhat he was still highly competent and pursued this assignment with particular fervour, as he thought he might be able to use his position against the Empire that sent him into it. Unfortunately the Empire had of course anticipated this and he was recalled back to Cyrodiil as soon as all their work was done in the province, and for another six years he languished in a cell, before one fateful day when the Emperor himself would pass through.

He very nearly kept the Amulet of Kings and let the Mythic Dawn wreak their destruction, travelling to Weynon Priory only with the intention of asking Grandmaster Jauffre himself where his parents were, but events moved to quickly and he thought that, while he would be glad to see the Empire burn, the letting the whole of Tamriel die was foolish and served no benefit. Hating the fame brought on him by his deeds as Hero of Kvatch, he travelled through the Door in Niben Bay and found himself yet another land’s champion, though this time feeling a little more at home in the court intrigue of the House of Dementia. Of course, he could not leave Tamriel for long, for as always his primary goal was the freeing and restoration of his parents, though after the Oblivion Crisis all of his leads and information had become obsolete and he had very little to go on. He did the best he could, but he abruptly left when Baar Dau fell to aid his people however he could. He then returned to the Shivering Isles, as stories claimed the great rock was Sheogorath's doing and he intended to confront the Madgod, who naturally denied all involvement. With the Imperial infrastructure in tatters and House Hlaalu disgraced he found himself struggling for direction, as he had no means of finding his lost family and no position to restore them to once he did, and the Shivering Isles fed on this depression as he stayed there longer, becoming more integrated in their courts and society, and as the Greymarch began in earnest he ended up mantling the Madgod himself. Part of him maintained the hope that he could use this position and the resources it commanded to finally find his parents, but much of his time and energy was spent restoring and managing his new land. Eventually he returned to Tamriel, but his perception of time as it passed in the mortal realm had become distorted with his apotheosis and his extended stay in the split land, and the years had turned to decades, and he realised that if he did not find his family soon he would likely be too late, if indeed they still survived. Upon learning of the current political situation, and not trusting the feeble Empire's knowledge of even its own past operations, he presented himself to the Thalmor as a defector and gladly worked his traditional clandestine job against the regime he'd hated for centuries, all the while hoping to find some intelligence on what the old Blades did with their captives. Unfortunately the Aldmeri Dominion realised what Delam was looking for and decided they could use exactly the same leverage as the Empire, except they themselves had not found the old prisoners and Delam knew their attempts at blackmail were fraud. He disappeared back to the Isles, knowing there was nothing left for him in Tamriel, and there he remained, this time keeping a regular eye on the mortal plane to ensure he did not lose years like before. When the Stormcloak movement began and he saw his people being persecuted he decided to intervene, hoping to work his way into Skyrim's political scene just has he did over two hundred years ago...except he was captured, trying to cross the border.

[el-pheri-blog]

EL DIABLO MAYOR

EL LIBRO 15

Por La Santa Lucia

CIEN AÑOS DE TERQUEDAD CON LOS TRES EN UN SOFA Y LAS JOYAS DE LA FAMILIA

EL 3e Campeonato Universal de LA FUFA

 Y cuando mi papa vio acercarse al terrible jefe de la tribu El Plantas de Oso Pardo con la antorcha encendida en la mano derecha sonriendo maquiavélicamente para prenderle fuego al gran montón de leña que rodeaba sus pies, el compositor de mi vida ni se podía mover un ápice por estar atado en medio de un poste de metal que estaba clavado en el suelo y se sensibilizo tanto que vio pasar toda su vida en menos de un segundo, tiempo suficiente como para ver el nacimiento de su cuarto hijo El Pheri Sánchez que tuvo con mi mama Lidia Martínez.

EL UNICO QUE MERECIO VIVIR DESPUES DE LA SUPER AGRADECIDA HORTENCIA SANCHEZ

EL ROMEO POR LO GUAPO QUE ES, EL NIÑO DE PLATINO POR LA BLANCURA DE SU ROSTRO Y EL ANGEL DE LOS CIELOS POR SER EL INMACULADO

EL NIÑO PERFECTO, DIJO LA SEÑORITA BRIBIESCA

Y SU CORAZON ES UN SIMBOLO Y MÁS PURO COMO EL AMOR DE MAMA

Y MÁS NOBLE QUE EL CHAPULIN COLORADO

TODA UNA ESPIRITUALIDAD DE AMOR ALMACENADA POR TODO EL UNIVERSO Y QUE A ESTAS ALTURAS PARECE SER UN DIOS ATRAPADO EN SU EGO UN CUERPO DE MUJER, oiga usted ¿???

Y el niño cuando nació fue El 8 de Febrero de 1946 bajo… EL SIGNO de ACUARIO el ( YO SE ) Y que en esos momentos ya arrastraba todas las estrellas del cielo de antemano como repartir…

Acuario "Yo sé"                                                                   ( 1 )

El signo Acuario es la energía de grupo en la que cada individuo realiza la función de hacer circular la energía. Su función es hacer fluir la energía para que ésta llegue a todos por igual. La psicología de la persona de Acuario está relacionada con lo que está más allá de uno, puesto que lo que le motiva en verdad es el grupo, lo que une y da sentido al grupo. Signo de libertad e independencia, necesita moverse sin ataduras, sin condicionantes porque Acuario es libre, directo y transparente . Es un signo desapegado por excelencia. Acuario, como signo de aire, a veces parece que no tienen sentimientos, pero es que es muy diferente a los signos de agua. Lo suyo no es bucear y expresar en contacto con la emoción, sino sensibilizarse desde lo alto, desde un lugar desapegado que les proporciona más visión y objetividad. Psicológicamente representa la creatividad y la sorpresa. Es el inventor, el genio, el loco, el revolucionario, el excéntrico, el que lanza una idea que jamás nadie ha dicho antes. Es pura creatividad. EL PHERI SANCHEZ

Rock and Band

 La Zinara 777.- Está trabajando como una verdadera burra pareciéndose a --- Los Damn Yankees --- para llevar a la cúspide en --- El Siglo 21 --- a --- El Pheri Sánchez --- rock band originario de --- La Colonia Pantitlan --- y celosamente protegida por todos los miembros de la pandilla de --- Los Nazis de Neza --- que la tomaron como la madrina oficial para representar a esta delincuente organización y que culpa tiene la gallina que cumplas años déjala tranquila.

 Y --- se dice por ahí que --- El Pheri Sánchez ---con la bandota serán los nuevos autores del cambio musicalmente hablando así como lo hicieron --- Los Beatles --– allá por el año de 1964 y que --- Los Monstros de Liverpool --- cambiaran el punto de vista de toda la humanidad rompiendo todos los récords habidos y por haber como la moda en el vestir, el amor por los semejantes, la sicodelia, la comunicación directa con --- El mismo Dios --- y terminando por crear --- El Gran Movimiento Hippie --- que se desparramo por todo el planeta para demostrarle a todo el mundo como una sociedad anti higiénica pudo vivir en paz rechazando la guerra mientras que --- Los Illuminatis --- manipulados por --- Los Reptilianos --- comenzaban la otra.

  Y --- el reto que tiene --- El Pheri Sánchez --- es el de acabar con el reinado de --– El Elvis Presley –-- la espectacularidad de --– El Michael Jackson --– y aplastar a --- a la cuarteta más poderosa de inglaterra --- y de todo el mundo --– Led Zeppelin –-- en donde los boliquetes se van a poner a peso porque para lograrlo se van a tener que morder un huevo y la mitad del otro y si todavía les añadimos al maestro de maestros --– El Ludwing Van Beethoven –-- la velocidad endemoniada de --– El Antonio Vivaldi --– los rezos sagrados de --– El Johan Sebastián Bach –-- y la música astronómica de --–El Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart --– sí que va a estar muy crabrón hacerlo, pero al final nos los echaremos al plato ya lo verán ustedes, según dijo la vocero de --- La Black And White Records .

   Y --- pero como dicen los estudiantes de --- La Biblia --- simplemente jamás nos imaginamos que --- El Jehová --- iba a seleccionar para cada uno de sus profetas de los últimos tiempos a un elemento que no pertenece a --- La casa de Dios --- y mucho menos que proviene de la casa de la-blacky, pero como los caminos del señor son extraños y misteriosos --- A lavado y Engrasado sea El Señor y que le cambien su Mofle cito para que ya no tire aceite por el carter como lo hace tu mama cada 28 días con orejas --- no hay problema, porque según todos los elementos de la banda de rock dicen que contamos con el formato musical de --- Los  Parabramanes --- los escritos secretos de --- El Bután --- que los encontró --- La Golondrina Viajera --- en una casualidad Checoslovaca, y todas las obras literarias inéditas que escondían --- Los Tibetanos --– de los músicos de antaño en las viejas pagodas abandonadas por --– Los Atlantes --– y no por --- las cremas del américa --- porque son tan maletas como --- Las Chivas del Guadalajara --- que se las robo --- La Gioconda de Mi Nezota --- en el mercado negro/amarillo de --– La China–-- y solamente para ( 2 ) darse el gusto de vencer a todos los rockeros más peligrosos del globo terráqueo.

   Y --- por ahí de paso pisotear a los rolling stones porque en el momento que despidieron al matemático del ritmo --– El Mike Taylor –-provocaron su propia debacle y todo fue porque le tenían mucha envidia al chavo de 18 años que llego para enseñarles cómo se toca la guitarra y que dios los perdone porque todos sabemos que solo hubo dos buenos músicos en la pedrada y el otro era el hermoso de --- El Bryan Jones --- pero que uno de ellos ya no están entre nosotros para contarlo.

  Y… sin embargo nos queda un buen recuerdo de --- Los Ángeles California --- dice --- La Zina 777 --- que ahora está viviendo tranquilamente en --- El Distrito Federal --- y recordando cariñosamente a --- Nueva York --- pero déjenme en paz dijo --- La Tranxxx Vestti One --- se los suplico que me dejen en paz que yo con nadie me he metido jamás tan solo estoy tratando de vivir en la felicidad y que quieren ustedes de mi si el destino me dijo que no yo sé que la vida es así porque así se la hicieron a --- Dios --- o es la mera representación divina de --- La Diosa Afrodita --- envuelta magistralmente en un cuerpo masculino y no como todos se lo imaginan en --- La Ruleta Rusa --- al más puro estilo de --- El Boy George --- de --- El David Bowie --- y de --- El Marilyn Mason --- y el amor perdido de… y en donde estás corazón que no oigo tu palpitar amor de mis amores de –-- El Freddie Mercury --– y te amo papacito en donde quiera que te encuentres.

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MANAGERS

La Linda Hamilton – Lahelen Montana La Regina Congales – La Zina Rankikonovick – La Miranda Fonseca

TELEFONOS

( +52 ) 55 324 600 24 – 55 35 62 94 80 – 55 741 37 441

CORREOS ELECTRONICOS

lalindahamilton@yahoo.com lahelenmontana@Yahoo.com lareginacongales@yahoo.com lazinara@yahoo.com

lamirandafonseca@yahoo.com

PAGINA OFICIAL

https://www.tbawr.com/ CORREO POSTAL

THE BLACK AND WHITE RECORDS                                                                                                                                                    ( 3 ) Calle 2 Priv. Porfirio Díaz # 16 Col. Pantitlan Delegación Iztacalco México Distrito Federal 08100

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 La Zinara 777.- Is working like a real donkey looking like --- The Damn Yankees --- to take to the cusp in --- The 21st Century --- to --- El Pheri Sánchez --- original rock band from --- La Colonia Pantitlan --- and jealously protected by all members of the gang --- Los Nazis of Neza --- who took it as the official godmother to represent this criminal organization and what about the chicken if is your birthday leave her alone.

And --- it is said that --- El Pheri Sánchez --- with the big band will be the new authors of the change musically speaking as --- The Beatles --– did back in 1964 and that --- The Liverpool Monsters --- will change the point of view of all mankind by breaking all the records that have been made and by having fashion as clothing, love for others, psychedelia, direct communication with --- The God Himself --- and eventually creating --- The Great Hippie Movement --- that spread across the planet to show the whole world how an anti-hygienic society could live in peace by rejecting war while --- Illuminatis --- manipulated by --- The Reptilians --- began the other.

And --- the challenge --- El Pheri Sánchez --- has, is to end the reign of --– El Elvis Presley –-- the spectacularness of --– El Michael Jackson --– and crush to --- The England's most powerful foursome --- and around the world --– Led Zeppelin –-- where the pens will be put on weight because to achieve this --- El Pheri Sánchez --- will have to bite a bolt and half of the another and if we still add to the teacher of teachers --– El Ludwing Van Beethoven –-- the demonic speed of --– El Antonio Vivaldi --– the sacred prayers of --– El Johan Sebastián Bach –-- and the music Astronomical of --– El Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart --– yes, it will be very crap to do it, but in the end we will throw them to the plate and you will see it, according to the spokeswoman of --- The Black And White Records.

And --- but as the students of --- The Bible --- say, we simply never imagined that --- The Lord --- was going to select for each of his prophets of recent times an element that does not belong --- The house of God --- and much less that comes from la-blacky company, but as the ways of the Lord are strange and mysterious --- To wash and Oiled be The Lord and change his Mofle quote so that no longer throw oil through the carter as your mom does every 28 days with ears --- no problem, because according to all the elements of the rock band they say we have the musical format of --- Los Parabramanes --- the secret writings of --- The Bhutan --- where found it by --- The Traveling Swallow --- in a Czechoslovakian coincidence, and all the unpublished literary hidden work of --- The Tibetans --– of the musicians of yore in the old pagodas abandoned by --– Los Atlantes --– and not by --- the creams of el america --- because they are as suitcases as --- Las Chivas del Guadalajara --- that stole --- La Gioconda de Mi Nezota --- in the black / yellow market of --– La China –-- and just to indulge of beating all the most dangerous rockers on the globe.

And --- by the way stomping on the rolling stones because at the moment they fired the mathematician of the rhythm --– El Mike Taylor --- who provoked their own debacle and it was all because they were very envious of the 18-year-old guy who arrived to teach them how to play the guitar and God forgive them because we all know that there were only two good musicians in the rockest and the other was the beautiful one of --- El Bryan Jones --- but that one of them is no longer among us to tell.

And… yet we have a good memory of --- Los Ángeles California --- says --- La Zina 777 --- who is now living quietly in --- El Distrito Federal --- and affectionately remembering --- New York --- but leave me alone he said --- La Tranxxx Vestti One --- I beg you to leave me alone that I have never gotten to myself, I'm just trying to live in happiness and what about you want from me if destiny told me no way, I don't know that life is like that because they did it to --- God --- or it is the mere divine representation of --- The Aphrodite Goddess --- masterfully wrapped in a body masculine and not as everyone imagines in --- The Russian Roulette --- in the purest style of --- El Boy George --- of --- El David Bowie --- and of --- El Marilyn Mason --- and the lost lost love of ... El Freddie Mercury --- and where are you heart that I do not hear your love beating from my love and I love you daddy wherever you are.

EL PHERI SANCHEZ              ( 4 ) Rock and BAND

FORMER MEMBERS

Robert Sánchez.- Voice and Guitar Craig Harris.- Lead Guitar Jamie Corwin.- Bass Player Scott Honsberger.- Piano Mike McDonough.- Drummer

Y quien es El Pheri Sánchez se preguntarían todos ustedes al mismo tiempo y yo les contestaría, pues mi hermanito, el más chiquito de toda la familia y el mero consentido del clan porque aparte de ser amoroso con su mami y con su papi todavía guarda un cariño propio para sus hermanas y sus hermanos y no niega la cruz de su parroquia al contar con una sangra tan liviana que le cae bien a todo el mundo por ser barbero con todas las personas que se le acercan. su niñez fue muy pegada a la curiosidad como todo niño valiente y tendía a ser un gran hombre, pero las promesas se cumplen y no permiten que alguien más venga para concederlas como una añadidura extra por eso el betirrines poco a poco escalaba los peldaños de las escaleras para llegar al cielo de Los Toltecas en donde rápidamente le robo el corazón a Quetzalcóatl que más tarde que perezoso adopto al niño de platino para enseñarle las artes de la guerra. PERO COMO, BENDITO SEA DIOS ¿??? SANTA CACHUCHA, SUEGRA POREA ¿??? JESUS DE LOS PALOTES QUE TE ECHAS CON LA MALENA EN LA HORA DE LA CENA ¡!!! si Los Sánchez nacieron para fumar la pipa de la paz y no para chupar la coca de la pecsi cargada con anfetaminas para hacer la guerra ya todos locos y de acuerdo con papa que es el hombre más grande de todo el universo superando fácilmente a jehová que ya viéndolo con más tranquilidad hasta el más imbécil de los humanos supera al Dios de Los Ejércitos de Oriente, nunca a un lado de palestina sino colindando con la cabeza de Juárez se sientan. entonces conforme el romeo fue creciendo Quetzalcóatl lo metió a estudiar la primaria en la escuela Huitzilopochtli en donde no hacían festivales en honores de nadie para no perder el valioso tiempo de estudiar y ni atracaban a los padres inventándoles mamada y media para solventar a los maestros huevones que todo el día se la pasan afuera de los salones chismeando y fumando mientras los alumnos se embrutecen con las computadoras mirando películas de porno y haciéndose su chaquetita a las escondidas. a los 15 años entro a LA ULAM ( la universidad de los militares astrónomos ) que pertenecía a ( 5 ) La Ciudad de Tula, pero del planeta serpentino en donde se tituló como pianista adquiriendo el grado de General Tolteca a los 18 años de edad. y que podemos decir del mil amores llamado El Pheri Sánchez alias el romeo porque una cosa si es segura que está más guapo que El Alan Delon, El George Chakiris y tal vez que El James Dean, pero nunca que el novio oficial de La Santa Bertha llamado El Richard Chamberlain, el segundo de abordo El David Copperfield y el tercero en la lista de espera de El William Levy y todo este cuero masculino ya se lo quisieran comer ustedes disfrutándolo un fin de semana en Las Vegas Nevada México. pues bien, esta ricura de hombre no lo podemos decir todavía porque el niño de platino dificultosamente está frisando los 18 añejos y todas las quinceañeras del condado lo perseguían desesperadamente para aventarle las pantaletas al suelo para que no se ensucien de lodo sus inmaculados pies y ni que fuera El Chavo Chuy de NezaPan. el angelito de cerontas en sus escasos amaneceres solamente había recibido dos títulos estudiantiles como lo haría más tarde con tres a los 24 años de edad en Ingeniería Tremole Electrono en La UdeK ( la universidad de keritone, con un poco de trabajo porque no es nada fácil conseguirlo El Tranci-Polo en La UdeA ( la universidad de aardvark y por último Como Preparar al Humano en La UdeT ( la universidad de transilvania ) y después de terminados sus estudios se fue a Lahasa sin la primera a porque se oye y se pronuncia mucho mejor para que los monjes tibetanos lo enseñaran a viajar fácil a otros planetas en base a las enseñanzas de El A.C. Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupada y que tampoco fue fácil porque hay que ser muy cacahuate para pasar a la segunda lección de 100. entonces cuando vio Quetzalcóatl que El General Tolteca estaba listo para la guerra por todos los fuertes adiestramientos que había recibido de sus maestros de artes marciales al estilo del Kung Fu, lo envió a una misión a La Quinta Dimensión para que se entrevistara con el nuevo secretario general de guerra llamado Elpidio Laborati y se pusiera a sus órdenes. Quetzal.- Y no quiero que le faltes al respeto a mi General Laborati porque nos puedes poner en un entredicho con ese imperio latente y porque no nos conviene perder todas las relaciones comerciales, culturales y militares que tenemos con ellos, estoy siendo claro ¿??? EPS.- Nunca lo voy hacer porque te debo mucho desde que abandone a mis padres por una petición tuya que a la larga nos benefició a todos ¡!!! Quetzal.- eres un ejemplar muy valioso para esos tiempos de sumisión ¡!!! EPS.- si no soy caballo ¡!!! Quetzal.- lo estoy diciendo en el mejor sentido de la palabra ¡!!! EPS.- entonces me convertiré en un pura sangre ¿??? ……………………………………………………….. ( 6 ) Quetzal.- Y si tanto me profesas adoración entonces a quien amarías más entre Huitzilopochtli, Pedro Silverio Sánchez Calderón y yo, tu benefactor de por vida ¿??? EPS.- a mi papa piter ¡!!! Quetzal.- Adoro que Adores a Don Pet ¡!!! EPS.- y tú a quien amas más entre tu padre, Huitzilopochtli y yo ¿??? Quetzal.- por supuesto que a mi papa ¡!!! EPS.- somos como dos gotas de agua ¿??? Quetzal.- Y de Vino. Salute ¡!!! y ya con el estudio y la experiencia recibida en el hermoso castillo de Quetzalcóatl que estaba hecho de cristal y acero El General Tolteca partió para La Quinta Dimensión sondeando todos los peligros que causan los brincos de frecuencias alternas entre una y otra. y por Culiacán ya se andaba quedando así que recurrió a su vasta experiencia al estilo del aventuro tas para no regresarse a su casa y después de re ordenar las coordenadas de los mapas astrales por fin logro atravesar La Cuarta Dimensión en donde todavía se llevó de corbata a unos cuantos vagabundos para atravesar a La Quinta Dimensión. y después de llegar a su destino astutamente se las arregló para viajar de noche atravesando la distancia en años luz y lo tuvo que hacer en un tiempo record para llegar al Planeta Triton que lo escoltaban El planeta Mentor y El planeta Oledisea que pertenecían a La galaxia La UCLA-M1047 y que pertenecía al Universo 028 UNO en una secuencia de anomalías provocadas por algunas alternancias desacopladas de las energías negativas. y después de eso llego pleno a Los Países Rodanos del Imperio Cappurro Lori Ssoccetto que colindaba con Las Fronteras de Las Cofradias bastante buenos enemigos de Los Romatecas que siempre se agarraban del moco con Los Paramateos, pero ya vemos al Pheri entrando al cuartel general del nuevo secretario de guerra Elpidio Laborati que lo recibió con mucho gusto saludándolo con la mano derecha y después abrazarlo cariñosamente. pero antes de continuar con este encuentro les diremos que los antiguos compañeros de guerra del General Tolteca no se cansaban de ponerle apodos por su valor y su arrojo en las enfrascadas batallas de la guerra como… El General Romano

Patritzzio Narra La Torre ………………………………………………………………………………………………… ( 7 )

El Pochotas Tonatih

El Pitzerola

El Grapa de Pato

Y muchos más… EPS.- General ¡!!!

dijo El Pheri Sanchez cuadrándose frente al Elpidio poniendo la mano derecha en su sien derecha orgullosamente. EEL.- descanse general ¡!!!

EPS.- gracias mi general ¡!!! EEL.- ya le dijo La Serpiente Emplumada porque lo mande llamar por segunda vez manque en la primera vez usted lo hizo por su propia cuenta ¿??? EPS.- lo sé, pero ni idea solamente me dijo que tenía unos asuntos pendientes que arreglar para Elías ¿??? EEL.- yo creo que lo mal entendiste hijo, perdón general ¡!!! EPS.- puede decirme hijo ¡!!! EEL.- con la condición que nos hablemos de tu ¡!!! EPS.- recordando las condiciones le va a salir barato que no haga tratos con El Robert M. Sánchez porque se podría arrepentir ¿??? EEL.- tu hermano, eh ¿??? EPS.- efectivamente efectivo, pero está más loco que una cabra encabritada y lista para freír en aceite hirviendo ¡!!! EEL.- por las referencias que tengo del creo que ni loco lo haría porque es un mucho arrastrao y mi mama no tiene por qué pagar por culpas ajenas ¿??? EPS.- muy inteligente de tu parte, general ¡!!! EEL.- Bendito sea Dios que lo tenemos a dos dimensiones fuera de aquí ¿??? EPS.- no te confíes general porque el marrano en las cruzadas las atraviesa hasta La 132 ¿??? EEL.- que también estuvo en Las Cruzadas de La Edad Media ¿??? ……………………………………… ( 8 ) EPS.- para nada, en las cruzadas que se pone con los hongos oaxaqueños el marra nito ¡!!! EEL.- Y yo que creía que era un guerrero de elite ¿??? EPS.- lo único que tiene de quelite es tragar como marrano ¡!!! EEL.- entonces se parece al botargas del peteretes ¿??? EPS.- No, porque hace mucho deporte y hasta eso se mantiene un poco delgado ¡!!! EEL.- qué extraño es tu hermano ¿??? EPS.- apenas si lo conozco ¿??? EEL.- Correcto y vayamos al granuja, general ¡!!! EPS.- estoy escuchándolo mi general ¡!!! EEL.- seguimos teniendo problemas con los paramateos y… EPS.- me lo imaginaba ¿??? EEl.- déjame continuar, general ¿??? EPS.- Perdón ¿??? EEL.- y los condenados se han reforzado hasta los dientes contratando nuevos militares de alto rango de La Ramona Satélite y esos mercenarios están considerados como los mejores agentes de choque en una revuelta confundida y ya nos dieron por debajo de la lengua dos veces y si nos vencen una tercera vez Las Fronteras de Las Cofradías se apoderaran de Los Países Rodanos y… creo que eso no lo vamos a permitir porque seguramente nos vamos a quedar sin una patria y sin un suelo que venerar ¿??? EPS.- no me crean tan bueno para las contiendas porque a mí también me pueden dar hasta con la maceta ¿??? EEL.- posiblemente posible en tu vocabulario, pero aquí es donde entras tu considerando que de repente salta de la nada un buen equipo invencible de futbol y no hay nadie que lo detenga a donde recurriríamos para destrozarlo ¿??? EPS.- yo creo que con Los Diablos y Los Santos bastaría, pero si me quiero asegurar de ganarles mandaría a Los Toltecas para darles una buena arrastradita ¿??? ……………………………………… ( 9 ) EEL.- Ahí lo tienes ¡!!! EPS.- eso quiere decir que ni con todo el arsenal que tiene El Arcángel Miguel y sus tropas de asalto les ganaría incluyendo a La Galaxia de Hércules y Los Héroes de Arten ¿??? EEL.- nadie más en la deriva ¿??? EPS.- conozco a un perro rabioso con un hueso duro de roer, pero como somos enemigos natos no creo que nos venga ayudar ¿??? EEL.- en los momentos apremiantes no se miran las comparaciones ¡!!! EPS.- El Dios de Los Ejércitos de Oriente… EEL.- a un lado de la cabeza de Juárez… EPS.- se sientan todos a descansar, pero ahora no me interrumpas y déjame continuar, general ¡!!! EEL.- adelante mis valientes ¡!!! EPS.- Jehová tiene el corazón más duro que El Chupa Cabras… EEL.- pues no que dios es amor ¿??? EPS.- ya me interrumpiste por segunda vez general, pero quien dijo que Jehová es Dios ¿??? EEL.- La Santa Biblia ¡!!! EPS.- Y si te traigo un cuento de Superman también te le hincarías para besarle los pies ¿??? EEL.- ya entendí, no lo creo, pero con ese wey sí que ganaríamos la guerra contra los paras ¿??? EPS.- Los Parias que porque de que les quedaría mejor en nombre por lo desnaturalizado que son los desalmados… EEL.- ya no me desesperes y échale un telemocaso ¡!!!

Y entonces El General Romano le marco a Jehová desde su celular activando los sin manos, sin patas o sin miembros. EPS.- Atola ¿??? Jehová.- Chale, todavía no amanece y ya comienzan a chingar los borreguitos y quien puta madre ladra dentro de mi séptimo sueño ¿??? ……………………………………………………………………………. ( 10 ) EPS.- El Pheri Sánchez ¡!!! Jehová.- puta madre, que no tienes que hacer para perturbar mis sacro santos secuenciales ¿??? EPS.- yo quería… Jehová.- yo quería, yo tendría, yo vendría, yo, vale verga ¿??? EPS.- pedirte un favor… Jehová.- Y dile al piche Robert que la próxima vez que lo vea le voy a meter toda La Santísima Verga ¿??? EPS.- no creo que le guste… Jehová.- ya verás que hasta va a gritar de placer el desgraciado, de dolor y se va a convulsionar todito como un gusanito ¿??? EPS.- Bueno, te vas a negar o Aurrera ¿??? Jehová.- después de que no se cansa La Santa Bertha de cagarme en sus libros todavía quieres que te ayude sí que te están pasando de verga los dos ¿??? EPS.- no te pido disculpas porque no soy hipócrita, pero será mejor que te deje dormir, hasta luego ¿??? Jehová.- hasta nunca ¡!!! EPS.- como sea ¿??? Jehová.- Abur… to Martínez ¡!!! y después de hablar con el dios de los judíos El Pheri Sanchez colgó su celular en el estuche que traía colgado en el cinto. EPS.- ya lo escuchaste todo, general ¡!!! EEL.- que odioso es el bato verda de diosito lindo y querido y ojala nunca amargue nuestras vidas con su presencia ¿??? EPS.- no creas que no tenga sus razones para odiar a la gente después de que les brindo una vida placentera como pago a su buena voluntad le patearon el trasero ¿??? EEL.- o se lo cogieron de chiquito ¿??? …………………………………………………………………………… ( 11 ) EPS.- qué valor tienes ¿??? EEL.- para ofender a Jehová ¿??? EPS.- No, para decir groserías ¡!!! y de repente sonó el teléfono de La Secretaria General de Guerra y rápidamente fue Elpidio para contestarlo porque en esos momentos no eran horas de oficina. EEL.- te habla El Jehová ¡!!! y entonces les brillaron los ojitos a los dos como diciendo ya la armamos con el trabuco de los antiguos oradores. EPS.- Que Tal ¿??? Jehová.- Chinga tu Madre ¡!!! y los dos se quedaron estupefactos poniendo una cara desconsolada porque pensaban que El Yave había cambiado de parecer. EPS.- ni modo nos la tendremos que rajar solos ¿???

Y en eso estaban cuando se dejaron venir las bombas sobre ellos de las nuevas naves estelares de los paramateos. EEL.- cúbrete general ¡!!! y por debajo del escritorio el romeo pregunto… EPS.- en donde se encuentra El Meliano ¿??? EEL.- acaba de ser promovido a capitán como le sucedió a la momia con El Beny que es como uno de los traidores más grandes que existe en el cine ¡!!! EPS.- en donde se encuentra El Meliano ¿??? EEL.- ya viene para acá ¡!!! EPS.- dile que me alcance en la frontera norte de Las Cofradias, pero tú no te muevas de aquí por ser más seguro ¡!!! EEL.- abre esa puerta que ves ahí enfrente… EPS.- cual porque me parece que veo dos o ya me estos quedando visco ¿??? …………………… ( 12 ) EEL- la que tiene el bolso de mujer colgado en la perilla ¡!!! EPS.- Ahorra si, a luego ¿??? EEL.- la abres y te metes a la oficina de la secretaria y bajo el escritorio hay una compuerta que te llevara fuera de la ciudad ¡!!! EPS.- así lo hare y cuídate general ¡!!! EEL.- yo sé que soy valiente, bravo y bragado, pero tú me llevas un poco ¿??? EPS.- si no soy valiente solamente oye las explosiones por toda la ciudad que no te dejan otra salida que defenderte como perra boca arriba ¿??? EEL.- que dios te bendiga ¡!!! EPS.- ya la chingamos ¿??? y entonces El General Romano obedeció las órdenes del Elpidio y en menos de dos patadas salió a un claro de un bosque que estaba oscuro porque era de noche. EPS.- tenía que suceder… y en menos de tres patadas los romatecas ya estaban perdiendo la guerra y peligrosamente las tropas de los paramateos ya estaban entrando en territorios del Imperio Cappurro Lori Ssoccetto para someter primeramente a los ejércitos de Los Países Rodanos y después a sus ciudadanos. EPS.- por fin lo he comprendido… y de repente sonó el celular del pheri. RelH.- Que Hongo porque me pongo el jorongo en el tongo del batongo de filongo en el zongo grita congo ¿??? y era su hermano Roberto el Hermoso que siempre se preocupaba por Elías. EPS.- nada por el momento… RelH.- como que nada si la voz se te oye muy extraña, vamos no me mientas y dime que pasa por si puedo ayudarte en algo ¿??? EPS.- solamente que los bombazos no me dejan oír bien… RelH.- pásame las coordenadas de donde estas o te mando a la Gestapo mexicana para que ( 13 ) te encuentre ¡!!! EPS.- Longitud ET100o 0’0’ Norte – NG60o Variante – de La Quinta Dimensión. RelH.- Ay wey, pues hasta donde andas carnalito, pero ahorita te caigo en un par de segundos rancheros ¡!!! y así fue como llego El Robert Sánchez con su nave extra LA-420 atarragada de armas bélicas y con los jugadores toltecas enfundados en sus uniformes negros para asaltos melitares e de golpe bajaron para saludar al pheri haciéndole fiestas. Sargatanas.- Pinche Pheri hasta donde te las gastas ¿??? El Diablo.- ya sabes que siempre cuidamos las espaldas de nuestros camaradas ¡!!! J.J. Muñante.- si no fuera peruano seria mexicano ¿??? Z. Zidane.- Viva La France ¡!!! Lucifer.- Y a poco pensaban que iba a dejar solo a mi jugador estrella ¿??? Jesucristo.- también fue mío manque sea media temporada ¿??? J. Cruyff.- yo me conformo con ser holandés, pero adoro a México sin sus políticos rateros ¿??? P. Bendita.- Y todos los chilenos estamos con México en las malas y en las malas ¡!!! B. Moore.- le voy a decir a La Reina Isabel que regrese a México los territorios de Belice ¡!!! F. Beckenbauer.- aquí Adolfo Hitler se vería como adoquinado ¿??? G. Facchetti.- e le mie sono tutte le ragazze del mondo ¡!!! M.- Marín.- no llores por mí argentina ¿??? RelH.- aquí tienes a toda la gente que te adora y estamos bajo tus órdenes y solamente dinos cuál es la siguiente jugada ¿??? EPS.- Bueno, yo digo que… y va llegando El Capitán Meliano con su tropa y después de abrazarlo cariñosamente le dijo. ECM.- a tus órdenes General Romano ¡!!! EPS.- regrésense de inmediato para defender el sitio ¡!!! …………………………………………………… ( 14 ) ECM.- la ciudad tiene suficientes tropas para defenderse y nos están matando a todos ya sea con nosotros o no, pero no podemos hacerlo porque eso nos dijo exactamente El Secretario Elpidio que ibas a contestar ¿??? EPS.- esta no es una petición, es una orden ¡!!! ECM.- disculpa general, pero te seguiremos hasta la muerte y si después de morir por ti nos llevas a una corte marcial por desobedecer tus ordenes mis soldados y yo voluntariamente nos subiremos al cadalso para que nos degüelles como borreguitos ¿??? y cuando la gente es verdaderamente fiel no la puedes cambiar por unos vale vergas que te encuentras por las calles de México. EPS.- cambio de planes… RelH.- tu mandas general ¡!!! EPS.- pensaba entrarles de frente al estilo de Butch Cassidy, pero ahora con la ventaja que me dan nos vamos a meter a su territorio y les vamos a descomponer el corazón de sus reactores para que exploten en cadena… RelH.- And ¿??? EPS.- nosotros nos vamos internando con los jeeps en sus territorios sureños que corresponden al norte de nosotros y El Capitán Meliano y sus efectivos nos van a seguir a 5 kilómetros por litro, alguna pregunta antes de partir ¿??? Lucifer.- no sería mejor esperar la noche porque ya va amanecer ¿??? EPS.- cuando penetremos en su zona con sus radares nos descubrirán a la hora que sea ¡!!!

Jesucristo.- tiene razón chaparrón ¡!!! RelH.- Quien ¿??? Jesucristo.- los dos ¡!!! EPS.- en votos ¿??? Todos.- Vámonos Ahora ¡!!! y así partió la milicia del General Romano para intentar lo imposible porque los paramateos  no se estaban durmiendo en sus laureles porque ya habían subido de nivel intelectual. ……………… ( 15 ) ECM.- General Romano ¡!!! El Capitán Meliano se comunicó por teléfono desde la retaguardia. EPS.- que pasa mi capitán ¿??? porque venía rastreando con su aparato electrónico toda la zona rural del enemigo incluyendo el territorio aéreo. ECM.- desvíate 30º a la izquierda y mantén el rumbo durante unos 30 minutos y después te avisare por donde seguir ¡!!! EPS.- Right ¡!!! pero ahora nos vamos con La Santa Bertha que fue a visitar al Jehová en el viejo cielo porque ya no será nunca más. Jehová.- Que Pasa Putona ¿??? LSB.- vengo a suplicar por la vida de mi hermanito ¿??? Jehová.- vienes a suplicar y que descaro el tuyo perra cuando ya me agarraste de pendejo en tus pinches novelas baratas que no se van a vender nunca porque no valen para pura chingada ¿??? LSB.- pídeme lo que quieras, pero compláceme ¿??? Jehová.- estas muy aguada como para exigir siquiera un mendrugo de pan ¿??? LSB.- tal vez del culo pero no de la boca para mamártela ¿??? Jehová.- Y te vas a chupar los moquetes o me los vas a escupir en la cara ¿??? LSB.- por mí lo que el cliente pida no importa si se arrepiente después de haber probado las copas consagradas del vino tinto ¿??? Jehová.- Y me dejas chuparte la pucha y las tetas o naranjas agrias ¿??? LSB.- solo las tetas porque la pucha es de mi viejo ¡!!! Jehová.- que suéter tiene El Richard Chamberlain ¿??? LSB.- quise decir mis viejos ¿??? Jehová.- pinche David Copperfield and William Levy ¿??? ………………………………………………… ( 16 ) LSB.- y aún hay más como dice Raúl Delasco Jehová.- te digo que no dejas ser una puta ¿??? LSB.- pero con mi culo y no te pido el tuyo para serlo ¿??? Jehová.- Bueno, Total, quítate la ropa porque te voy a echar un buen garrotazo a ver si no me infectas el santo pito con tus apestosos chancros ¿??? y cuando La Santa Bertha se quitó el vestido y antes de quedarse en traje de rana se le veía su frondoso busto tan sensual que las tetas casi se le salían del brassier quedando en sus zapatillas plateadas de tacones extra altos con medias y liguero bajo su medio fondo de olanes muy pero muy picarescos. Jehová.- Mama Mía ¿??? LSB.- Si, ya sé que no te gusto ¿??? Jehová.- me cae de a madres que si no fueras tan babilonia me hacía responsable de ti y de tus hijos ¿??? LSB.- como lo fuiste con la pendeja de María que la abandonaste con el suyo ¿??? y entonces El Dios de Los Ejércitos de Oriente se paró de manos. Jehová.- Mira Hija de tu pinche madre no te andes metiendo con mi familia porque te voy hacer cagar cagada por el hocico ¿??? LSB.- me cago en dios ¡!!! Jehová.- empínate porque te voy a meter La Santísima Verga ¿???     entonces vino el remate de La Santa Bertha que lo tenía bien escondido en las piernas para ponerlo en donde quería. LSB.- que por cierto están madreando en una guerra desigual al General Romano… Jehová.- me da gusto oír eso y se lo merece por ser tan bondadoso como su papa ¿??? LSB.- solamente que lo acompaña Jesucristo ¡!!! Jehová.- QUE ¿??? no se metan con mi kuku … ( 17 )

NO OOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

y sin decir agua va El Jehová se sacudió La Santísima Verga porque ya la traía chorreando de gusto y subió los pantalones para preguntarle a La Santa Bertha. Jehová.- en donde ¿??? LSB.- en El Imperio Cappurro de Lori Ssoccetto en La Quinta Dimensión ¡!!! y rápidamente recluto al ejército más grande que algún dios haya hecho y se lanzó como bola de catapulta hacia El planeta Tritón. Jehová.- Síganme Los Mas Buenos ¡!!! y efectivamente conforme llego Jehová a Los Países Rodanos comenzó a emparejar la contienda mientras los paramateos inexplicablemente se echaban para atrás. EGP.- ay hijos de la chingada como me hacen enojar, pero es para adelante pendejos y no se arruguen como culos viejos ¿??? pero la suerte ya estaba echada mientras La tropa Loca de Los Toltecas buscaban afanosamente el lugar más débil del reactor nuclear en Las Fronteras de Las Cofradías. EPS.- Apúrenle que no tenemos todo el día ¿??? mientras que El Capitan Meliano ya había mandado traer naves de escape por si lograran salir vivos y con la victoria en las manos manque sea una coronita o modelo espacial. RelH.- Si no son enchiladas ¿??? …………………………………………………………………………………….. ( 18 ) Lucifer.- en eso estamos general ¡!!! Jesucristo.- sin soltar prenda ¡!!! en eso grita El Johan Cruyfff… J. Cruyff.- Lo Encontré, Lo Encontré y ya salgamos de aquí porque explotara en cadena en diez minutos. y ya sin hablarse todos corrieron buscando la salida y de lo bueno de su condición física fue que les alcanzo fuerza en las piernas para el siguiente maratón. EPS.- Suban Rápido a Las Naves ¡!!! y conforme lo hicieron y estuvieron a salvo volaron lo más lejos que pudieron para evitar las radiaciones de los reactores que explotaron en cadena como china pinas. ESO ¡!!! grito El Jehova cuando vio a su hijo sano y salvo… y entonces todas las naves enemigas se caían al suelo por no encontrar el comando del GPS mientras las triunfadoras bajaba a suelo firme para celebrar con todos los aldeanos. VIVA, VIVA, VIVA, VIVA, VIVA, VIVA, VIVA, VIVA, VIVA, VIVA, VIVA, VIVA, VIVA, VIVA, VIVA, VIVA,

VIVA, VIVA, VIVA, VIVA, VIVA, VIVA, VIVA, VIVA, VIVA, VIVA, VIVA, VIVA, VIVA, VIVA, VIVA, VIVA,

VIVA, VIVA, VIVA, VIVA, VIVA, VIVA, VIVA, VIVA, VIVA, VIVA, VIVA, VIVA, VIVA, VIVA, VIVA, VIVA. e hicieron unas grandes fiestas patrias como ningún país lo había hecho en otro mundo en donde la comida fue más abundante que lo normal así como el vino y las mujeres de Los Países Rodanos y en especial La Jacinta la suprema y hermosa muchacha de la casa que estaba en la contra esquina de la taberna que recibió al General Romano con un besote bien sabroso en la boca. y también Jesucristo fue a recibir a su padre por haberlo salvado de ese peligro por lo cual El Jehová lo abrazaba tiernamente. ………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….. ( 19 ) también llegaron los altos mandos del infierno para celebrar el triunfo con su jefe y los apóstoles con Jesucristo. no podía faltar El Arcángel Miguel con sus huestes porque aunque no era su guerra era parte de ella de alguna manera. todas las familias de Los jugadores Toltecas que brindaban con sus maridos y sus hijos así como todos los invitados las comarcas aledañas que venían a felicitar al nuevo estado independiente. Y viva México cabrones ¡!!! y después del gran festín El Pheri Sánchez fue a visitar a los mejores clásicos de Los Siglos XVI, XVII y XVIII para que le enseñaran los secretos de la música y El Ludwing Van Beethoven, El Antonio Vivaldi, El Johan Sebastián Bach y El Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart lo hicieron con mucho gusto, ahí la razón de su genialidad. SI IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII Y viva México cabrones ¡!!! Y viva México cabrones ¡!!! Y viva México cabrones ¡!!! Y viva México cabrones ¡!!!

Y nos vamos rápidamente al partido de la semana en donde El Babilonia recibe hoy a The All ( 20 ) Stars equipos colocados en Los Conformistas.

Y el partido será transmitido por La NAT Televisión desde El Estadio La Viruleita de la linda, bella ciudad Mesopotámica de Nínive con sus locutores favoritos de El Moha Mad, El Abelo Ali y la bella hermosa y simpática de La Dalila Sandira.

EMM.- Y ya vamos creyendo que estos dos equipos no van a poder salir de los sótanos porque con un poquito y más van que vuelan de regreso a La Primera División.

EAA.- Barbaros ¿???

EMM.- no me gusta pronosticar el futuro, pero lo veo más negro quel Durazno en sus mejores días de Gloria en La Pulcata.

EAA.- continua desalmao ¡!!!

EMM.- yo sé que si los dos equipos los medimos con una varita de nardo resultaran con la misma medida de ingratitud para unos aficionados que esperan más que un juego aburrido de ajedrez en donde ni las piezas se mueven.

EAA.- Y yo creo que ese fue uno de sus errores con mayor perjuicio que cometieron los dueños de los equipos porque el resto de los equipos aspiran por lo menos terminar entre los tres primeros y cuarto lugar.

EMM.- pero que desafine por desentenderse de sus compromisos como jugadores profesionales.

EAA.- en donde los católicos llevan la penitencia ¡!!!

EMM.- Y porque no, háblanos a nivel de campo mamacita dali ¡!!!

LDS.- Los Babilonios o Libado res en momento dan la impresión de que quieren, pero no quieren y se parecen al hocicón del puri que desea todas las mujeres del mundo, pero con una e da meyo de por sí y así no se puede.

EMM.- Y que maíz ¿???    

LDS.- que en vez de parecer sexolistas parecen saxofonistas en donde solo una mujer se puede mover como pez en el agua y no es una logia para hombres como se imagina la mayoría de los que se dicen macho menos.

EMM.- háblanos de los árbitros…

LDS.-  el juez principal de este encuentro será El Duncan López, con la bandera amarilla El Raulos Meras, con la bandera naranja El Clemente Alberto y como árbitro suplente El Cabildo Ortega que ya vienen escoltados por los dos equipos en donde El Babilonia viene usando normalmente uno de los uniformes oficiales muy parecido a La U de G mientras que The All Star con su Azul eléctrico y muy celeste lucen mucho mejor que su futbol moja madito…

EMM.- continúa por favor, pero después de las alineaciones…

ESL.- por The All Stars tenemos en la portería con el número 1 El Ataulfo Sánchez, en la defensa izquierda El Buda con el número 2, en la defensa central izquierda con el número 3 El Osiris, en la defensa central derecha El Yoselin con el número 4, en la defensa derecha con el número 5 El jabón Ariel, en la media izquierda con el número 6 El Gabriel, en la media central El Parres jugadorazo Son con el número 7, en la media derecha El Rohana con el número 8, por la ala de la izquierda tenemos El ERRACA con el número 9, en el centro delantero el intro-con dé El Tibetano con el número 10 y con el número 11 por la ala de la derecha El Alado.

Y los aplausos para Los Catedráticos del Ritmo fueron fenomenales a pesar de ser visitantes y de mas solo porque se esperaba más de ellos…      

ESL.- por El Babilonia tenemos en la portería con el número 1 al carioca Valdir Pérez, en la defensa izquierda con el número 2 El Oscar, en la defensa central izquierda El Luzinho con el número 3, en la defensa central derecha con el número 4 El Leandro, en la defensa derecha con el número 5 El Junior, en la media izquierda tenemos con el número 6 El Falcao, en la media central con el número 7 Socrates Batoto, en la media derecha con el número 8 El Cerezzo, por la ala izquierda tenemos con el número 9 El Eder, en el centro delantero y goleador El Serginho con el número 10 y con el número 11 El Zico por la ala de la derecha.

Y los aplausos para los mesopotámicos fue caluroso a pesar de no ser tan valientes, pero no tan menos inferiores a los demás equipos.

LDS.- mientras que La madrina Brigitte Bardott baila con todo el ritmo desertico con Las lindas de bellas de Las Gasolineras para poner en orden los sentimientos locales, pero los dos equipos casi  ya están alineados para escuchar los himnos nacionales de ambas escuadras.

Y de repente vemos pararse frente al micrófono al Luchiano Pavorotti para reventarse la panza de marrano con su linda voz el himno visitante de El Do Re Mí, Em I Do y cuando termino con la grasa de los animales se llevó una carretada de aplausos para su chante.

Y ahora va rápidamente al quite La Linda Rostand para reventarse la chiqui falda con el himno del buscador o sea Los Sickers y lo hizo tan bien que todas las niños se quitaron las playeras para de por si ondearse por todo el estadio y vámonos con el encuentro, mojadito.

EMM.- y ahí suena su ocarina El árbitro Duncan para que dé inicio el partido en donde el tibetano se la da por la izquierda al erraca que la regresa para el centro en donde la recibe el medio parres son que trata de controlar el balón, pero que pasa porque El Sonido Local está haciendo un fuerte anuncio a través de los parlantes electrónicos y dice…

ESL.- Señoras y Señores agarren  a sus lindas niñas y niños y súbanse lo que más puedan sobre la grada de los niveles más altos porque se acaba de romper la presa y toda la torrente de agua con fuerza viene para intentar ahogarnos…

EAA.- pero si no existe ninguna presa por lo menos a 200 kilómetros por hora ¿???

ESL.- pero recuerden que esta presa será construida dentro de 100 años…

Y entonces los jugadores de los dos equipos con sus reservas y utileros se metieron como locos y corriendo por los túneles para irse a encerrar a sus respectivos vestidores.

ESL.- Y nos avisan que el apreciado liquido viene infestado de feroces tiburones hambrientos ¡!!!          

LDS.- pero esos extraños escualos son de agua salada y que la naturaleza sepa creo que los ( 22 ) malditos no se adaptan a el agua dulce ¿???

ESL.- Y porque no los esperas para que se los preguntes a ellos porque ya no tardan en llegar con sus hileras de dientes al estadio ¡!!!

LDS.- que vienen en barcos o que pex ¿??? ESL.- desgraciada ramera espero que cuando lleguen te burles de ellos como lo estás haciendo de plano como lo estás haciendo conmigo ¿???

LDS.- que me los echen sin pantaletas porque…

De repente llegaron las oleadas altas del mar y fueron tan elevadas que superaron la altura de 90 metros del estadio…

ESL.- Y los dientones comenzaron a comerse a toda la gente que naufrago cuando se les acabo el piso al estilo del Noé cuando se le cayó la familia de su barcaza que no resistió ni una hora sobre el agua y menos los 40 días y cuarenta noches que el mentiroso del Jehová prometió y de seguro que andaba pedo el bato porque en algunas versiones de la biblia dice que se aventaron como un año con doce meses y que tragaron los que no se cayeron, calabaza de animales. 0 a 0.

La Fecha 15 de Los 100 Años de Terquedad

De

El Tercer Campeonato Universal de…

LA FUFA

Resultados de La Semana

                Los Monkeys 2---1 Los Guerreros

Los Diggers 1---0 El Jamper

Los Santos 1---1 Los Toltecas

El Lasu 1---1 El Larfa

Las Perras 0---0 Los Diablos

El Gallagher 0---0 Los Porkianos

Las Cobras 2---2 El Kasek

Los Nazis 0---0 El Nicobano

El Botanga 1---0 Los Ofidios

El Babilonia 0---0 The All Stars

La Tabla de Posiciones L   Equipo                  JJ   JGL   JGV   JE   JP   GF   GC   P

Los Lideres 1.--- Los Santos        15 – 07 –-- 07 --- 01 --- 00 – 38 – 18 – 36 2.--- El Lasu              15 – 03 --- 02 ---- 08 --- 02 – 17 – 14 – 20 3.--- El Kasek            15 – 01 –- 01 ---- 12 –-- 01 – 10 – 09 – 17

Los Cazadores

4.--- Los Nazis          15 – 00 –- 02 ---- 11 –-- 02 – 12 – 13 – 17 5.--- El Larfa             15 – 00 –-- 02 --- 11 –-- 02 – 13 – 14 – 17 6.--- Los Diggers       15 – 02 – 02 ---- 07 –--- 04 – 15 – 15 – 17 7.--- Las Cobras        15 – 02 -- 01 ---- 09 –-- 03 – 13 – 13 – 16 8.--- Los Porkianos   15 – 03 – 01 ---- 07 –--- 04 – 25 – 20 – 16 9.--- Los Toltecas     15 – 02 -- 00 --- 12 ----- 01 -- 23 – 22 – 16 10.- El Gallagher      15 – 01 – 00 ---- 13 –---- 01 – 07 – 07 – 15

Los Conformistas 11.- The All Stars     15 – 01 –- 00 -- 12 –--- 02 -- 07 –-08 – 14 12.- Los Ofidios        15 – 01 – 01 ---- 09 –--- 04 – 06 – 08 – 14 13.- El Babilonia       15 – 01 – 00 –-- 12 ----- 02 -- 08 – 09 – 14 14.- Los Guerreros   15 – 01 – 00 --- 12 –---- 02 –- 07 – 10 – 14 15.- Las Perras         15 – 01 -- 01 --- 09–--- 04 –- 09 – 11 – 14 16.- Los Monkeys     15 – 01 -– 01 -- 09 –---- 04 – 10 – 12 – 14 17.- El Botanga        15 – 03 – 00 ---- 08 –--- 04 – 12 – 13 – 14 Los Santaneros 18.- El Nicobano       15 - 01 –- 00 … 11 –-- 03 –- 05 – 08 – 13 19.- El Jamper          15 – 02 -- 00 --- 08 –-- 05 –- 09 – 12 – 12 20.- Los Diablos       15 – 02 –- 01 ---- 05 –- 07 – 04 – 14 – 12

 La Tabla de Goleo 25.- El Inmaculado

10.- El Sargatanas

9.- El Kayon

8.- El Nete

7.- RelH

7.- Flakiris, 7.- Bolete, 7.- T. Sánchez

6.- Flapper, 6.- El Kilo

6.- O. Muciño

6.- Bestola

6.- El Satanas

5.- Pele

5.- J. Repp

5.- La Putana, 5.- G. Mueller

5.- El Yipan

5.- Serginho

5.- Gorilon

4.- Clonoaldo

4.- Paero, 4.- L. Sánchez

4.- M. Rivas

4.- Alcamonte, 4.- Sixtolo

3.- P. Son

3.- Ranitha, 3.- Zormuer, 3.- Gasene

2.- El Ñapo, 2.- T. Baloyan

2.- La Sentones, 2.- Kalakov, 2.- La Shorreada

2.- Huesala

2.- Hortoli, 2.- S. Libuda

2.- El Aste, 2.- El Zico, 2.- El Curco, 2.- Linaco

2.- La Comadreja

2.- Transfusiones

1.- El Jisus

1.- El Zurco, 1.- Adonai, 1.- Ostela, 1.- C. Sánchez, 1.- Tablera, 1.- El Frane

1.- L. Donovan, 1.- Chofelo

1.- La Muerte

1.- Erraca

1.- Boneni, 1.- Rifelio

1.- U. Seeler

1.- Zancu

1.- P. Pig

1.- El Fonografo

1.- El Kule, 1.- Lukator

1.- Patiano

1.- Jazaro, 1.- Liro Lero

1.- El Eder, 1.- Bolsetti

1.- Rankuno, 1.- El Querro

1.- Virtuorio, 1.- Grasono

1.- B. Comandante

1.- El Missio, 1.- Dichason

1 Alado, 1.- Changon, 1.- Semirato

1.- H. Martínez, 1 Eusebio

1.- El de Nada, 1.- El ere Bisho

1.- Mono-Riel, 1.- Mono-Sabio

1.- Mono-Block

[noblecrumpet-dorkvision]

Necromancer Week: Day 2

New Undead!

This took by far the longest of all the installations for Necromancer Week, and normally I'd save it for a finale but some of the future homebrew content depends on these monsters (mainly the Ancestral Spirit and the Zombie Giant). I also managed to find time to sketch some of the creatures, so be sure to check the published brew over at Homebrewery! If you're having trouble viewing it (on Firefox, for instance) I have all the relevant mechanics in this post as well.

You may recognize some oldies like the Bleakborn from the 3e Libris Mortis and the Sacrol from 2e which I came across online. There's also a huge zombie and huge skeleton if you ever need stats for them. I tried to fill out Challenge Ratings that didn't get a lot of attention as far as the Undead type goes. Now you can challenge players at each level!

Ancestral Spirit

When a soul moves on to the afterlife, an echo of it might remain. The Ancestral Spirit is an ethereal remnant of someone powerful and wise, tied to the Material Plane to aid their descendants. They are usually intangible and unseen. However, people often feel their presence if they were close to the spirit in life. Some say these are the spirits which answer the calls of spells like Augury.

It is normally beyond the capabilities of most necromancers to easily summon incorporeal undead, but the Shepherd of Spirits cleric is an exception. 

Medium undead, neutral Armor Class 13 (natural armor) Hit Points 22 (4d8+4) Speed 40 ft. Fly (hover) STR 7; DEX 13; CON 10; INT 4; WIS 12; CHA 10 Resistances: acid, bludgeoning, piercing, and slashing from nonmagical attacks Immunities: cold, necrotic, poison Condition Immunities: exhaustion, grappled, paralyzed, petrified, poisoned, prone, restrained Senses: darkvision 60 ft., passive Perception 11 Languages: understands any languages it knew in life but cannot speak. Challenge: 1/2 (75 XP) Ethereal Sight. The spirit can see 60 feet into the Ethereal Plane when it is on the Material Plane, and vice versa. Incorporeal Movement.  The spirit can move through other creatures and objects as if they were difficult terrain. It takes 5 (1d10) force damage if it ends its turn inside an object.

Actions

Blessed Touch. Melee Spell Attack: +3 to hit, reach 5 ft., one target. Hit 6 (1d8+1) radiant.

Burning Blight

The Burning Blight is a fossilized animated skeleton of a creature native to the Elemental Plane of Fire. This can include Azers, Salamanders, or Efreeti, but many other denizens can be turned. The skeleton is blackened and is shrouded in constant flames.

A Blight It seeks nothing but destruction of the living. Natives on the Plane of Fire see such creatures as nuisances thanks to their innate immunities to fire. When a Burning Blight finds its way to the Material Plane, either by being summoned or escaping through a planar rift, it's a different story. Burning Blights deplore an environment that isn't constantly alight with flame. The Blight will burn anything flammable it can find, leaving swaths of forest in ashes or reducing entire wings of dungeons to embers.

The creatures sometimes vary in size and shape. For a large Burning Blight, increase the Claw damage to 9 (2d6+2) slashing and 7 (2d6) fire, increase the hit points to 60 (7d10+21), and increase its challenge rating to 4.

Medium undead, chaotic evil Armor Class 13 (natural armor) Hit Points 45 (6d8+18) Speed 30 ft. STR 12; DEX 14; CON 16; INT 6; WIS 8; CHA 13 Vulnerabilities:  bludgeoning Resistances: cold, acid Immunities: fire, poison Condition Immunities:  exhaustion, poisoned Senses:  passive Perception 9 Languages: understands Primordial (Ignan), but cannot speak Challenge: 3 (700 XP) Fire Shield. Whenever a creature makes a melee attack against the Blight within 5 ft. of it, that creature takes 7 (2d6) fire damage. Illumination.  The Burning Blight emits bright light in a 30 ft. radius, and dim light 30 ft. beyond that.

Actions

Multiattack. The Blight can make two claw attacks when it takes the attack action.

Claw. Melee Weapon Attack: +4 to hit, reach 5 ft., one target. Hit 5 (1d6 + 2) slashing plus 4 (1d6) fire.

Eye Rays. Ranged Spell Attack: +3 to hit, range 60 ft., one target. Hit 14 (4d6) fire.

Bleakborn

Bleakborns are created not through violence, but through necromancy and either bitter cold conditions or freezing magic. They appear as discolored humanoid corpses covered in frosty crystals or icicles, even in hot environments. Bleakborns feed on the warmth of the living, using their aura and frigid touch to drain heat from their victims. The heat replenishes them. Their wounds are easily healed with a constant supply of living warmth.

A Bleakborn can remain inert for centuries waiting for a taste of heat to rouse them to life again. Even slain Bleakborns can return to life if no precautions are taken to prevent it from regenerating.

Medium undead, neutral evil Armor Class 15 (natural armor) Hit Points 75 (10d8+30) Speed 30 ft. STR 15; DEX 8; CON 16; INT 3; WIS 10; CHA 16 Saves: Constitution +6 Immunities: poison, necrotic, fire (see Heat Consumption) Condition Immunities: charmed, exhaustion, frightened, poisoned Senses: Darkvision 60 ft., passive Perception 11 Languages: the languages it spoke in life. Challenge: 7 (2,900 XP)

Chilling Aura. Each creature that begins its turn within 20 ft. of the Bleakborn must make a DC 15 Constitution saving throw or take 7 (2d6) cold damage, or half as much on a successful save. The Bleakborn regains hit points equal to half the damage dealt. The ability remains active even if the Bleakborn has been reduced to 0 hit points unless its remains have been completely destroyed or dismembered. Freezing Touch. Creatures that make a melee attack against the Bleakborn within 5 ft. of it take 4 (1d6) cold damage. The Bleakborn regains hit points equal to half the damage dealt. Heat Consumption. Whenever the Bleakborn is dealt fire damage, it instead regains hit points equal to the damage dealt.

Actions

Multiattack. The Bleakborn makes two attack with its drain heat attack. Drain Heat. Melee Spell Attack: +6 to hit, reach 5 ft., one target. Hit 10 (2d6+3) cold. The Bleakborn regains hit points equal to the damage dealt.

Blood Ooze

Blood Oozes are born from a vile ritual that involves dissolving a creature in acid and imbuing it with necromantic magic. The ooze is red and translucent, often with indigestible scraps from its last meal floating within its mass. The ooze is essentially a mass of undead blood cells, and it feeds on living tissue. Any creature that comes into contact with its slime starts to quickly wither away as if from necrosis.

The ooze is most known for its ability to physically enter lifless corpses, causing them to slightly bloat or leak its blood-red slime through open wounds or orifaces. It uses this technique to sneak up on unwary prey, seeming to be a mere zombie or even a haggard humanoid. Once it gets close, it erupts from the corpse to spread itself to other nearby living creatures.

Although it is not adversely affected by sunlight, it avoids it whenever possible. Radiant damage will cause it to react by violently expelling slime.

Medium undead ooze, chaotic evil Armor Class 7 Hit Points 90 (12d8+36) Speed 20 ft., climb 20 ft.

STR 16; DEX 5; CON 16; INT 1; WIS 8; CHA 1 Resistances: bludgeoning, slashing, and piercing damage. Immunities: acid, necrotic, radiant Condition Immunities: blinded, charmed, deafened, exhaustion, frightened, prone Senses: blindsight 60 ft. (blind beyond this radius), passive Perception 9 Languages: none. Challenge: 6 (2,300 XP)

Amorphous. The Blood Ooze can move through a space as narrow as 1 inch wide without squeezing. Corrosive Form. A creature that touches the Blood Ooze or hits it with a melee attack while within 5 feet of it takes 4 (1d8) necrotic damage.

Actions

Pseudopod. Melee Weapon Attack: +6 to hit, reach 5 ft., one target. Hit 6 (1d6 + 3) bludgeoning plus 14 (3d8) necrotic. In addition, the target must attempt a DC 15 Dexterity saving throw. On a failed save, a glob of the ooze sticks to the target, dealing 9 (2d8) necrotic damage at the start of each of their turns. A creature can use their action to scrape the ooze away, ending the effect.

Inhabit Corpse. The ooze can hide inside of a Large or Medium corpse or undead creature, slowly digesting it from inside. The ooze retains all of its statistics but cannot make attacks while inhabiting a corpse. The ooze can exit the corpse by using its Slime Burst ability. While inhabiting a corpse, other creatures can discern its true nature with a successful DC 16 Wisdom (Insight) check.

Reactions

Slime Burst. When the Blood Ooze is subjected to radiant damage or a melee attack, it can spew globs of itself in all directions. All creatures in a 10 ft. radius of the ooze must  attempt a DC 15 Dexterity saving throw to avoid getting stuck with a glob of ooze dealing 9 (2d8) necrotic damage at the start of each of their turns. A creature can use their action to scrape the ooze away, ending the effect.

Carpal Horror

The Carpal Horror is an awful undead created by twisted necromancers. It's a mass of eight clawed undead arms stitched together at the center.

It scurries quickly towards enemies that it feels walking near it and leaps onto them. Once it latches on, it begins snapping at the target with its maw of teeth at the center of its radial limbs, shrieking frantically all the while. Its vicious mouth isn't immediately visible beneath its body, but most discover it once it makes its first attack.

The creatures are always constructed through necromancy; they are not natural. Their purpose is usually to guard treasure or to defend smaller entryways to a lair that other undead have a harder time patrolling. Thanks to their size and climbing ability, the horrors can easily surprise intruders from hiding.

Small undead, neutral evil Armor Class 16 (natural armor) Hit Points 9 (2d6+2) Speed 40 ft., 20 ft. Climb

STR 10; DEX 17; CON 12; INT 2; WIS 8; CHA 3 Skills: Stealth +5, Perception +1 Immunities: poison Condition Immunities: exhaustion, poisoned Senses: Tremorsense 60 ft. (blind beyond this radius), passive Perception 11 Languages: none Challenge: 1 (200 XP)

Lunge. When the horror moves at least 20 ft. in a straight line towards a creature and hits it with its claws attack, the horror can use its bonus action to immediately make a Bite attack against the same creature.

Actions

Claws. Melee Weapon Attack: +3 to hit, reach 5 ft., one target. Hit 5 (1d4+3) bludgeoning. If this attack hits a Small or larger creature, the horror attaches itself to the creature with its gripping arms. A creature can pry the horror off of the target with a successful DC 13 Strength check.

Bite. Melee Weapon Attack: +3 to hit, reach 5 ft., one target. Hit 8 (2d4+3) slashing plus 4 (1d6) poison. The Carpal Horror can only use this attack against a target it is attached to.

Chimeric Corpse

A Chimeric Corpse is a hulking conglomeration of various animal parts created by deranged and powerful necromancy. It has a dangerous animal head on its shoulders as well as mounted on each of its arms. The creature is strong, able to knock enemies across a room or hold them tight in its grip.

The horror can be taken down piece by piece if heroes coordinate their attacks, lobbing off the undead animal heads sewn to its body. With fewer attacks to dodge, it becomes easier to deal with.

Large undead, neutral evil Armor Class: 15 (natural armor) Hit Points: 127 (15d10+45) Speed: 40 ft.

STR 20; DEX 10; CON 16; INT 3; WIS 10; CHA 4 Skills: Perception +4 Immunities: poison Condition Immunities: charmed, exhaustion, frightened, poisoned Senses: Darkvision 120 ft., passive Perception 14 Languages: the languages it spoke in life. Challenge: 7 (2,900 XP)

Stitched Parts. The Chimeric Corpse has three heads stitched to its body. When the Chimeric Corpse takes more than 30 damage in a single turn, one of its heads chosen at random is destroyed. That head's attack option becomes permanently disabled.

Grappling Bite. When the Chimeric Corpse hits a creature with a Bite attack, the creature becomes grappled (escape DC 15). Until this grapple ends, the target is restrained, and the Chimeric Corpse can't bite another target with that same attack.

Mighty Blow. When the Chimeric Corpse hits a creature with a Gore, Ram, or Tusks attack, the creature must make a DC 15 Strength saving throw or be pushed 10 ft. away from the Chimeric Corpse.

Actions

Multiattack. The Chimeric Corpse can make one attack with each of its attached heads.

Bite (Bear). Melee Weapon Attack: +6 to hit, reach 5 ft., one target. Hit 14 (2d8+5) piercing.

Gore (Rhinoceros). Melee Weapon Attack: +6 to hit, reach 5 ft., one target. Hit 18 (3d8+5) piercing.

Bite (Shark). Melee Weapon Attack: +6 to hit, reach 5 ft., one target. Hit 14 (2d8+5) piercing.

Offal Nightmare

The Offal Nightmare is a horrifying creature that appears to be a humanoid corpse torn inside-out. The entrails have engorged, tempered and animated through necromancy. The remainder of the nightmare's body is a withered sack of skin and bones that hangs uselessly from its aft end.

Its thick, rubbery intestines are coated with acid, and can spew the stuff from a distance when enough has built up inside it. The creature feeds on the living by grappling and constricting with its animate entrails and dissolving its kill with acid. It staves off other enemies while it feeds by slamming its withered corpse into them like a flail.

Although it is more common for necromancers to create such undead, some Offal Nightmares can form naturally after especially violent deaths involving live disembowelment.

Medium undead, neutral evil Armor Class: 16 (natural armor) Hit Points: 90 (12d8+36) Speed: 30 ft.

STR 16; DEX 17; CON 16; INT 4; WIS 10; CHA 13 Resistances: cold, bludgeoning, piercing, and slashing damage from nonmagic weapons. Immunities: acid, fire, poison Condition Immunities: charmed, exhaustion, frightened, poisoned Senses: passive Perception 10 Languages: understands languages it knew in life but cannot speak. Challenge: 8 (3,900 XP)

Actions

Multiattack. The nightmare makes two attacks, one with its entrails attack and one with its slam attack. Each attack must target a different target.

Slam. Melee Weapon Attack: +7 to hit, reach 5 ft., one target. Hit 12 (2d8+3) bludgeoning.

Entrails. Melee Weapon Attack: +7 to hit, reach 10 ft., one target. Hit 12 (2d8+3) bludgeoning and 18 (4d8) acid. If the target is a Medium or smaller creature, the creature becomes grappled (escape DC 16). Until this grapple ends, the target is restrained, and the Offal Nightmare can't use its Entrails attack on another target.

Acid Spit (Recharge 5-6). The nightmare spews a gout of acid at a 15-foot square area  centered at a point up to 60 ft. away from it. Each creature in the area must attempt a DC 16 Dexterity saving throw, taking 18 (4d8) acid damage or half as much damage on a successful save.

Patchwork Titan

Patchwork Titans are huge masses of undead parts stitched together in haphazard ways by insane (or creative) necromancers. The undead all act independently, constantly trying to wrench themselves apart from one another.

When living flesh is nearby, the titan acts more like a unit as it attacks, ignoring its inherent torment at its abominable creation. Slashing weapons will tear its stitching apart and cause part of it to fall off. Thanks to its conglomerate nature, the fallen part will continue to attack despite being separated from the whole creature.

Huge undead, neutral evil Armor Class: 12 (natural armor) Hit Points: 124 (13d12+39) Speed: 30 ft.

STR 19; DEX 12; CON 16; INT 3; WIS 10; CHA 1 Skills: Perception +3 Immunities: poison, slashing Condition Immunities: charmed, exhaustion, frightened, poisoned Senses: passive Perception 13 Languages: none Challenge: 7 (2,900 XP)

Multiple Heads. The titan has advantage on saving throws against being blinded, deafened, stunned, and being knocked unconscious.

Actions

Multiattack. The titan makes three slam attacks

Slam. Melee Weapon Attack: +7 to hit, reach 10 ft., one target. Hit 18 (2d10+4) bludgeoning.

Reactions

Split. When a titan that is Medium or larger is subjected to slashing damage, it splits into two new titans if it has at least 20 hit points. Each new titan has hit points equal to half the original titan's, rounded down. New titans are one size smaller than the original titan and makes one less attack when it uses its Multiattack action.

Sacrol

A sacrol looks like a four foot tall humanoid skull surrounded by a constantly shifting, multi-coloured mist. The mist is the true body of the sacrol, which forms into spectral entrails to attack its foes.

Sacrols radiate a cold, clammy aura. They communicate through howls that sound like hundreds of death shrieks.

The creature is formed naturally from a large number of creatures that died in proximity and in a short time. Mass graves, battlefields, or razed villages are often places that a sacrol will haunt. Once it rises, it will unerringly seek out those responsible for its collective deaths and slay them before returning to its unhallowed birthplace.

Small undead, neutral evil Armor Class: 16 (natural armor) Hit Points: 94 (17d6+34) Speed:  30 ft. Fly

STR 11; DEX 12; CON 14; INT 8; WIS 10; CHA 16 Immunities: cold, poison, necrotic, bludgeoning, piercing and slashing damage from nonmagic weapons Condition Immunities: charmed, exhaustion, frightened, poisoned, prone, stunned, unconscious Senses: passive Perception 10 Languages: none Challenge: 8 (3,900 XP)

Innate Spellcasting.  (spell save DC 16)

3/day: Animate Dead (skeletons only)

1/day: Finger of Death

Actions

Multiattack. The sacrol makes two attacks with any combination of either its tentacle or constrict attacks. The sacrol must target different targets with each attack. Tentacle. Melee Weapon Attack: +7 to hit, reach 10 ft., one target. Hit 14 (3d8) necrotic. The target becomes grappled (escape DC 16). The target's hit point maximum is reduced by an amount equal to the necrotic damage taken.

Constrict. Melee Weapon Attack: +7 to hit, reach 10 ft., one target grappled by the sacrol. Hit 8 (3d4) necrotic. The creature must succeed at a DC 16 Constitution saving throw or become stunned until start of the sacrol's next turn. The target's hit point maximum is reduced by an amount equal to the necrotic damage taken.

Sinew Slinger

A Sinew Slinger is a creation of both engineering and necromancy. A crossbow made from sinew, bone, and muscle is crafted from an otherwise normal corpse. The resulting creature can then attack from range and in melee, making a versatile combatant for an undead army.

Necromancers need to have a thorough enough understanding of biology and the dark arts to successfully create the creature. The setup takes weeks to accomplish, but the effort is often worth it.

Medium undead, neutral evil

Armor Class: 14 (studded leather) Hit Points: 39 (6d8+12) Speed: 30 ft.

STR 11; DEX 14; CON 15; INT 3; WIS 6; CHA 1 Immunities: poison Condition Immunities: exhaustion, poisoned Senses: darkvision 120 ft., passive Perception 10 Languages: understands languages it knew in life but cannot speak. Challenge: 1 (200 XP)

Actions

Multiattack. The slinger makes two attacks, only one of which can be a crossbow attack.

Crossbow. Ranged Weapon Attack: +4 to hit, range 80/320 ft., one target. Hit 8 (1d10+2) piercing.

Claws. Melee Weapon Attack: +4 to hit, reach 5 ft., one target. Hit 6 (1d6+2) piercing.

Skin Strangler

The Skin Strangler is a husk of loose skin animated with necromancy. It moves almost like an ooze or a piece of cloth in the wind. It feeds off of blood through small tubules hidden all over the "inside" of its body. It envelops its target, trying to crush them or suffocate them. Once dead, it can drink its fill before seeking out a new victim.

An encounter with a Skin Strangler is usually sudden. The creature will hide in dark crevices and leap onto unsuspecting targets. If it has recently taken a kill or has some corpses lying around, the strangler will envelop a corpse and shamble towards enemies appearing to be nothing but a simple zombie. Once it gets close, it abandons the corpse "wearing" it and leaps towards its next victim to strangle the life from it.

If attacked by multiple enemies, it will use its victim's body as a puppet much like it did the corpse to fend off attackers.

Small undead, neutral evil Armor Class: 13 Hit Points: 39 (7d6+14) Speed: 30 ft., 20 ft. Climb

STR 17; DEX 12; CON 15; INT 7; WIS 10; CHA 4 Skills: Stealth +5 Immunities: poison Condition Immunities: exhaustion, poisoned Senses: darkvision 120 ft., passive Perception 10 Languages: none Challenge: 3 (700 XP)

Corpse Puppet. The strangler can cover and animate a Medium or Small corpse, making it look and act like a zombie. A DC 20 Wisdom (Insight) check reveals its true nature. Skin Puppet. The strangler can move a creature engulfed by its crush attack as a bonus action by succeeding at an Strength (Athletics) contest against the engulfed creature. If the strangler succeeds, it moves the engulfed target up to 15 ft. and can force it to make one melee attack against another creature within 5 ft. of it. Damage Transfer. While attached to a creature, the strangler takes only half the damage dealt to it (rounded down), and that creature takes the other half.

Actions

Crush. Melee Weapon Attack: +5 to hit, reach 5 ft., one target. Hit 6 (1d6+3) bludgeoning and the strangler attaches to the target. If the target is Medium or smaller and the strangler has advantage on the attack roll, it attaches by engulfing the target's body, and the target is also blinded and unable to breathe while the strangler is attached in this way. While attached to the target, the strangler can only attack the target with its Crush attack and does so with advantage. The strangler's speed also becomes 0, it can't benefit from any bonus to its speed, and it moves with the target. A creature can detach the strangler by making a successful DC 14 Strength check as an action. On its turn, the strangler can detach itself from the target by using 5 feet of movement.

Storm Dreg

Storm Dregs are griffons struck down by lightning and reanimated with necromancy. Though they can naturally occur in lands where undead roam, most are deliberate creations by necromancers seeking an impressive and terrifying flying minion or mount.

The dreg looks like a molting griffon with blackened flesh. Some soot and ash continually flakes from its feathers. Its eyes and the inside of its beak glow white with energy.

The creature retains the strength and swiftness it had in life but gains an innate ability to produce lightning from its beak. It seems to feed on the ozone released from its electrical attacks, or perhaps on flesh imbued with the stuff. When your hair stands on end, it's about to strike.

Large undead, neutral evil Armor Class: 13 (natural armor) Hit Points: 53 (7d8+21) Speed: 30 ft., 80 ft. Fly

STR 18; DEX 14; CON 16; INT 2; WIS 11; CHA 5 Immunities: poison, lightning Condition Immunities: exhaustion, poisoned Senses: darkvision 120 ft., passive Perception 10 Languages: none Challenge: 3 (700 XP)

Flyby. The Storm Dreg doesn't provoke on opportunity attack when it flies out of an enemy's reach.

Actions

Multiattack. The Storm Dreg makes two attacks, one with its beak and one with its claws.

Beak. Melee Weapon Attack: +4 to hit, reach 5 ft., one target. Hit 6 (1d8 + 2) piercing and 3 (1d6) lightning.

Claws. Melee Weapon Attack: +4 to hit, reach 5 ft., one target. Hit 9 (2d6 + 2) slashing.

Lightning Breath. (Recharge 5-6)  The Storm Dreg blasts a 60 ft. long, 5 ft. wide line of lightning from its open beak. Each creature in that area must make a Dexterity saving throw, taking 14 (4d6) lightning damage on a failed save or half as much on a successful save.

Swarm of Limbs

A simple but effective use of necromancy is to animate piles upon piles of severed limbs. After binding their energy sources together, the limbs will move as a hive mind, crawling and trampling over everything in their path. With no way to feed but an insatiable hunger, they will try to destroy any creature they sense nearby out of anguish.

Necromancers find it difficult to control the swarm's rage unless doing so directly, so they often contain the swarm to a confined space like a pit trap or a closed corridor.

Large swarm of tiny undead, neutral evil Armor Class: 15 (natural armor) Hit Points: 85 (10d10+30) Speed: 30 ft.

STR 14; DEX 13; CON 16; INT 1; WIS 6; CHA 1 Resistances: bludgeoning, piercing, slashing Immunities: poison Condition Immunities: charmed, exhaustion, frightened, grappled, paralyzed, petrified, poisoned, prone, restrained, stunned Senses: blindsight 30 ft., passive Perception 8 Languages: none Challenge: 6 (2,300 XP)

Undead Fortitude.  If damage reduces the swarm to 0 hit points, it must make a Constitution saving throw with a DC of 5 + the damage taken, unless the damage is radiant or from a critical hit. On a success, the swarm drops to 1 hit point instead. Swarm. The swarm can occupy another creature's space and vice versa, and the swarm can move through any opening large enough for a Tiny insect. The swarm can't regain hit points or gain temporary hit points.

Actions

Pummel. Melee Weapon Attack: +6 to hit, reach 0 ft., up to four targets in the swarm's space. Hit 20 (4d8+2) bludgeoning, or 11 (2d8+2) bludgeoning damage if the swarm has half of its hit points or fewer.

Talking Head

The Talking Head is a simple undead creation, as far as necromancy goes. It's a fiend summoned and trapped inside a severed corpse head. The trapped demon gibbers and shrieks and spouts obscenities constantly, only staying quiet when it wishes to lure a creature close.

Necromancers keep them as guardians or traps laid for interlopers, or as boons during combat to pester foes from the sidelines. The creature is nearly useless in physical combat as it is slow to move and can only bite creatures gullible enough to stick their fingers near it.

Clever necromancers will stitch these heads onto a headless zombie if they wish for them to be able to move or attack easier. However, the head is not in control of the body, which leads to lots of cursing and shouting from the fiendish head.

Tiny undead fiend (demon), chaotic evil Armor Class: 13 (natural armor) Hit Points: 6 (1d6+3) Speed: 5 ft.

STR 3; DEX 11; CON 16; INT 9; WIS 10; CHA 15 Immunities: poison, fire Condition Immunities: exhaustion, poisoned, paralyzed, prone Senses: darkvision 120 ft., passive Perception 10 Languages: Common, Abyssal Challenge: 1/8 (25 XP)

Actions

Vicious Mockery. The head targets one creature it can see within 60 ft. of it. If it can hear the Talking Head, the target must succeed at a Wisdom saving throw or take 2 (1d4) psychic damage and have disadvantage on its next attack roll before the end of its next turn.

Bite. Melee Weapon Attack: +3 to hit, reach 0 ft., one target. Hit 5 (1d4+3) piercing.

Wretched Engima

The Wretched Enigma is an undead sphinx. Immensely powerful and cunning, an enigma is often kept by powerful undead like liches, death tyrants, or vampires. They also can serve as leaders of cults dedicated to secrecy, knowledge, and undeath.

Hungering Minds. The enigma feeds upon psychic energy, which it collects from victims by presenting them with riddles that provoke them to think. Every thought thereafter feeds the creature's insatiable appetite. The enigma is usually found with a train of mindless undead servants catering to its insane whims. These minions are unique in appearance as they are each missing the back of their skulls, leaving just a face behind. The enigma devours the creatures' brains before reanimating them, despite not needing to physically eat to survive. It simply enjoys the taste.

Hoarders. Once an enigma is brought into the world, no treasure, secret, or mind is safe. A sphinx is normally bound to its lair, but an enigma has no such restriction. Unless bound to a master, the enigma scours the world for lost treasures, powerful artifacts, and the closest kept secrets to add to its new hoard.

Godless Power. No longer bound by the duties of the gods, the enigma loses its ability to warp reality. Now it can only create a false reality through its illusion spells. Its roar becomes a haunting howl that breaks the minds of the living. Its divine spells are severed from their source and it must learn new spells by draining the minds of spellcasters.

Large undead, lawful evil Armor Class: 18 (natural armor) Hit Points: 137 (13d10+65) Speed: 40 ft., 60 ft. Fly

STR 20; DEX 10; CON 20; INT 14; WIS 16; CHA 21 Saving Throws: Dex +5, Con +10, Int +7, Wis +8 Skills: Arcana +7, Perception +8, Religion +7 Resistances: bludgeoning, piercing, and slashing from nonmagical attacks Immunities: poison, psychic Condition Immunities: charmed, exhaustion, frightened, poisoned Senses: truesight 120 ft., passive Perception 13 Languages: telepathy 120 ft., Common, Sphinx Challenge: 13 (10,000 XP)

Spellcasting. The enigma is a 10th-level spellcaster. Its spellcasting ability is Charisma (spell save DC 18, +10 to hit with spell attacks). It requires no material components to cast its spells. The enigma has the following wizard spells prepared:

Cantrips: mage hand, minor illusion, toll the dead (XGtE)

1st level (4 slots): cause fear (XGtE), detect magic, protection from evil and good

2nd level (3 slots): invisibility, suggestion

3rd level (3 slots): animate dead, dispel magic

4th level (3 slots): banishment, hallucinatory terrain

5th level (2 slots): cone of cold

Magic Weapons. The enigma's weapon attacks are magical. Legendary Resistance 3/day. If the engima fails a saving throw, it can choose to succeed instead.

Actions

Multiattack. The enigma makes two claw attacks and uses its conundrum ability.

Claw. Melee Weapon Attack: +10 to hit, reach 5 ft., one target. Hit 16 (2d10+5) slashing.

Drain Mind. The enigma chooses a creature within 120 ft. of it and bombards them telepathically with unsolvable riddles. That creature must attempt a DC 18 Intelligence saving throw or take 14 (3d8) psychic damage and become stunned until the end of the enigma's next turn. The creature takes half this much damage on a successful save and is not stunned. The enigma regains hit points equal to the damage dealt, and learns one fact or secret known by the target. A creature unable to receive the enigma's telepathy, as with a Ring of Mind Shielding, is unaffected by this ability.

Howl. Once per day, the enigma can unleash a bloodcurdling howl. All creatures within 30 ft. of the enigma must make a DC 13 Constitution saving throw or fall to 0 hit points. Creatures that succeed on their saving throw become frightened of the enigma until the end of its next turn.

Legendary Actions The enigma can take 3 legendary actions, choosing from the options below. Only one legendary action option can be used at a time and only at the end of another creature's turn. The enigma regains spent legendary actions at the start of its turn.

Claw. The enigma makes one claw attack.

Teleport (Costs 2 Actions). The enigma magically teleports, along with any equipment it is wearing or carrying, up to 120 ft. to an unoccupied space it can see.

Cast a Spell (Costs 3 Actions). The enigma casts a spell from its list of prepared spells, using a spell slot as normal.

Zombie Giant

A zombie giant, much like one of a more manageable size, is stupid and driven only by a mad hunger for the living. Necromancers that create them are irresponsible in the best sense and insane in the worst. The creatures will break any nonmagical barrier trying to contain them if they think it will lead to a meal on the other side.

Sometimes a reanimated giant is a secret weapon. A powerful spellcaster can contain one in a magic circle only to be released when the time is right, wreaking havoc on a battle once thought won.

Huge undead, chaotic evil Armor Class: 15 (patchwork armor) Hit Points: 163 (13d12+78) Speed: 40 ft.

STR 25; DEX 9; CON 22; INT 1; WIS 3; CHA 4 Saving Throws: Str +11, Con +10, Cha +1 Skills: Athletics +11, Perception +0 Immunities: poison Condition Immunities: exhaustion, poisoned Senses: darkvision 120 ft., passive Perception 10 Languages: Understands the languages it knew in life but cannot speak Challenge: 9 (5,000 XP)

Actions

Multiattack. The zombie makes two slam attacks.

Slam. Melee Weapon Attack: +9 to hit, reach 10 ft., one target. Hit 25 (3d12+6) bludgeoning. A Large or smaller creature hit by this attack must succeed at a DC 18 Strength saving throw or be knocked 20 ft. in a random direction away from the zombie and take 7 (2d6) bludgeoning damage.

Yeti Skeleton

The horned skull of an abominable yeti crowns this powerful undead. It has retained a shred of its ability to freeze enemies with is gaze, but instead paralyzes them with fear. Necromancers prize skeletons of yetis for this ability. As an animated skeleton, they can follow marginally complex orders with unerring certainty. All shreds of its once-monstrous nature disappear in the reanimation process.

Huge undead, lawful evil Armor Class: 16 (natural armor) Hit Points: 137 (11d12+66) Speed: 40 ft.

STR 21; DEX 12; CON 22; INT 3; WIS 10; CHA 9 Vulnerabilities: bludgeoning Immunities: cold, poison Condition Immunities: exhaustion, poisoned Senses: darkvision 120 ft., passive Perception 10 Languages: Understands the languages it knew in life but cannot speak Challenge: 8 (3,900 XP)

Actions

Multiattack. The skeleton makes three attacks: one bite attack, one claw attack, and one greatclub attack. Then it uses its frightful gaze.

Bite. Melee Weapon Attack: +9 to hit, reach 5 ft., one target. Hit 16 (3d6+5) piercing.

Claw. Melee Weapon Attack: +9 to hit, reach 5 ft., one target. Hit 16 (3d6+5) slashing.

Greatclub. Melee Weapon Attack: +9 to hit, reach 10 ft., one target. Hit 19 (3d8+5) bludgeoning.

Frightful Gaze. The skeleton targets one creature it can see within 30 ft. of it. If the target can see the skeleton, the target must succeed on a DC 16 Wisdom saving throw against this magic or become paralyzed for 1 minute, unless it is immune to fear effects. The target can repeat the saving throw at the end of each of its turns, ending the effect on itself on a success. If the target's saving throw is successful, or if the effect ends on it, the target is immune to this skeleton's gaze for 1 hour.

[majestyrising]

The History of the Urusov Kingdom, Pt. I

No doubt I’ll have to shimmy this around as the third and fourth generation is born but, here’s a timeline for the Urusov Kingdom, the ancestors of Koschei and Rho.

3E, Y200: Moro, later known as the Icewarden, creates the lesser deity Zima and the lesser deity Panteleimon. Giving them the clan name of Urusov, he sends them to the Northern Frontier of the Icefields to care for the population and guard the border with the Isles. 3E, Y332: Zima gives birth to four quasi-deities. The younger two die in infancy. The first daughter, Khioniya, and the first son, Krivkrov, survive. 3E, Y360: The Urusov Kingdom establishes contact with the Eastern Kingdom. Whilst communication is tense at first, within a number of months a trade treaty and alliance are established. 3E, Y365: Free movement between the North and East begins. 3E, Y475: Sparse conflict with Arcane forces escalates into the First Battle of Hythveard. The Urusov Kingdom wins, establishing their base in the foot of the Nayarana Mountains. 3E Y480: The Conquest of Ice-Of-Mine begins.

3E, Y481: The Urusov Kingdom is contacted by the Western Kingdom. An agreement to trade arms is established. The free movement of refugees is established, with some trying to flee Arcane forces, some trying to flee Fire forces. 3E Y483: In the Battle of White Star, Tsarevna Khioniya protects the civilian population from an aerial bombardment of meteorites. Casualties are minimised due to her actions, winning her further loyalty of the people. In the wake of this, some of the Arcane forces defect, joining the Tsarevna. 3E Y490: The Urusov Kingdom wins two simultaneous victories in the Battle of the Metel (often incorrectly remembered the Battle of Metal). 3E Y492: The Urusov Kingdom establishes trade with the Southern Kingdom. Communication remains slow to the distance, but the relationship is cordial. 3E Y511: During a raid, Tsarevich Krivkrov is severely injured. He survives due to the timely intervention of Tsarina Zima. The revenge she takes is quickly dubbed The Massacre of the Red. 3E Y512: The circulating news and rumours of the Massacre destabilise the foreign political situation. The Tsarina attempts to quell this by leading the army herself, but the Tsar prevents this. Infractions against border agreements are held back by the army. 3E Y517: Support from the Eastern Kingdom bolsters the ongoing siege at Ice-Of-Mine. When faced with the combined army, the Arcane Forces use unstable magic on the islands. The Wolf's Eye Peninsular is levitated before crashing into Vintakk Heath. Causalities on both sides are heavy, including both civilian populations. 3E Y517: A temporary truce is established at Ice-Of-Mine. The Tsar and Tsarina secretly trade places, with the Tsarina returning to Hythveard, and the Tsar reaching the front lines to lead the army. 3E Y519: The truce is ended when the Urusov forces go against orders and blockade incoming Arcane support troops. The scrap is dubbed the Sack of Zhatel once the impatient Urusov Armanda pillages a nearby military Arcanite base. 3E Y519: The Urusov army withdraws from their eastern border. An uneasy tension between incoming Arcanite dragons does not yet come to violence. 3E Y530: The Urusov Kingdom loses the battle of Widow's End, forcing the western border to be redrawn. 3E Y531: Tsarevich Krivkrov negotiates with the eastern pilgrim population, and remains in the City of Crystan-Ke to smooth ruffled feathers and ease tension. 3E Y530: Tensions with the Eastern Kingdom are high after accusations that their help are refusing to follow the Tsar's orders. A show of peace from the Tsar bowing to the Eastern Force prevents further conflict. The alliance is renewed. 3E Y532: The Tsar crushes the Arcanite Armanda by pinning them against the Yastreb, the largest glacier in the area. The Armanda withdraws. 3E Y533: The Tsarina leads an absolute rout of enemy forces during the Chistota Siege, leaving the western border in a strong position. The army celebrates. 3E Y533: The Tsarina returns to Ice-Of-Mine, bringing the western force with her. 3E Y535: The Conquest of Ice-Of-Mine ends. 3E Y536: The Arcane Forces request a peace treaty. The Urusov Kingdom accepts. The Arcane Military Forces leave the Icefield and turn their attentions to the Wasteland, and smaller islands closer to the Sea. The Urusov Kingdom closes its borders and begins to rebuild any damaged infrastructure. 3E Y546: The Urusov Kingdom opens its borders. Non-Ice dragons begin to arrive, slowly, and are met with hostility. 3E Y548: The Tsar implores the civilian population to accept the non-Ice dragons. His impassioned speech warms the hearts of the civilians, but does not convince his courtiers. 3E Y550: [Krivkrov has his children, to be confirmed.] 3E Y560: [Khioniya has her children, to be confirmed.] 3E Y642: The Second Battle of Hythveard begins when a rogue Fire squadron test a new martial invention over Ice airspace. A barrier is erected by the combined effort of the population. No life is lost, but retaliatory attacks fan the flames of war. 3E Y644: The rogue Fire squadron begin to raid the coastal villages, just inside the Kingdom's jurisdiction. The army is split to defend each, keeping them safe at the loss of a unitary force. 3E Y649: The Tsar negotiates with the rogue Fire squadron army. The terms prevent further injury, but do not compensate for the raids. The civilian population is unhappy with these terms, but the majority does not wish for further warfare. 3E Y650: Elemental upset causes the Yastreb to flip over. This is seen as an ill-omen to the population, who grow uneasy. 3E Y662: A sickness sweeps through the Kingdom, brought from the Wasteland. Many grow weak, and in the year, one in four die. 3E Y664: Unrest due to the Splinter Plague increases. Despite efforts from the Urusov family, no cure is found. News from the East, West, and South confirm similar situations. 3E Y666: [The great grandchildren to Panteleimon and Zima are born, to be confirmed.] 3E Y666: A breakthrough is found due to Khioniya and Krivkrov's efforts. Krivkrov distributes the new drug throughout the kingdom, leaving Khioniya to refine it. The Tsar and Tsarina continue to handle internal affairs, keeping the kingdom as stable as possible. 3E Y668: News comes that the Western Kingdom has dissolved due to infighting. The Tsar leaves to investigate, intensely worried for the status of his friends there. 3E Y667: Khioniya's cure is found to only treat 50% of patients. Outcry builds. Whilst many support her efforts, a number of sick and disenfranchised rebel. 3E Y668: The borders are closed once again. The Splinter Plague mutates, invalidating the cure. Khioniya falls ill, leaving Krivkrov to continue her research. 3E Y668: The Tsar returns to confirm that the Western Kingdom has fallen. News from the East repeats the same. The South is simply silent. 3E Y669: Krivkrov finds an extract from the plague can bolster the health and crop of native flora. In secret, he applies his research, preventing a predicted famine. 3E Y670: Krivkrov's secret is found out. The weakened population riots. Krivkrov, angered, attacks them in retribution, frustrated that they do not understand how he has helped them avoid starvation. The Tsar restrains his son, and confines him to the palace. 3E Y670: The Rebellion of Black Winter begins. 3E Y670: The civilian population is divided into Loyalists and Rebels. A lone rebel burns the largest storehouse in Hythveard; whilst the others denounce this, the food store is decimated by this action. The rebel is found by the loyalists and executed. 3E Y671: The Tsarina attempts to negotiate a truce between the two factions. An uneasy peace lasts for several months, ending the Rebellion of Black Winter. 3E Y672: An attack on the Tsar reignites previous tensions. Khioniya recovers and berates her brother for losing his temper. Whilst their relationship is tenser than before, they join forces to finish the cure and distribute it. 3E Y672: Despite widespread distribution of the cure, unrest continues. Officials are ignored or attacked, the Urusov flag is pulled from outposts. 3E Y673: Some of those who did not participate in the Arcane Wars see a chance to advance up the ranks. The Seven-Armed Revolt begins when a young officer attacks a civilian in a bar on the northern border. The news spreads like wildfire. Lack of opportunity, stifled travel, flight-prejudice, as well as lingering famine and sickness contribute to the unrest which takes over the countryside. 3E Y675: The War of the Lily begins (also known as the First Urusov Civil War). An altercation takes place in Hythveard when a civilian army sets fire to the harbour. 3E Y675: In the battle of Holy Flame, Tsar Panteleimon kills one of his own courtiers by ripping out their heart in full view of his court. The sight of the lesser deity terrifies the populace into submission. 3E Y676: Guilt ridden by the murder of his own courtier, the Tsar ignores pleads from the Tsarina and attempts to quell the Seven-Armed Revolt by travelling the countryside. 3E Y676: The Revolt force evades the Tsar and reaches Hythveard. The Tsarevna shields Hythveard from a bombardment. She leaves the rebels with an ultimatum, which they accept. Satisfied, the Tsarevna joins the effort to rebuild the harbour. When part of the structure collapses, she leaps in the way to protect the rest of the rebuild team. Despite their best efforts, a metal beam pierces her heart. Weakened by sickness, she passes away assured that the civil troubles are over, and mayhaps, her death will unite the people. 3E Y677: On the dawn of the new year, the Tsarevich hears the news of his sister's death. Overcome with grief, he drinks himself into an unparalleled stupor and promptly disappears. Rumours circulate, but the general consensus establishes itself that he went to the site of his sister's death and fell in the icy waters- drowned, either accidentally or on purpose. 3E Y677: The Tsar returns and hears the news of his children's deaths. Stricken, he implores an end to the unrest, and a new unity. Anti-Urusov propaganda, however, has already turned the public's opinion. The deaths of the Tsarevna and the Tsarevich have been framed as a suicide pact. 3E Y677: After a rousing speech reminding the rebel core of the Tsar's murder of his own courtier, a force attacks the palace. The loyalists intervene, resulting in a melee. When the Tsar leaves the palace, unarmed, and again pleads for peace, the mob- perhaps aware of who he is, or perhaps not- rounds on him. Reports conflict. Some reports state that his last words were to commit your hatred to my flesh, allowing the furious rebels to attack him. However, despite his divine essence, the mortal wounds severed by a dog-pile of angry peasants ultimately severed to kill him. Other reports state that the Tsar did not utter such words but was simply torn apart by the mob in a moment of pure violence. 3E Y677: Tsarina Zima takes her grandson Zahhak aside and ferries him away from the palace. She gently places him on horseback with his wife, sister, and brother-in-law, and kisses him goodbye before sending the group away. 3E Y677: The Tsarina returns to the palace. She flies to the top, and looking down upon the people, is overcome by fury at the loss of her family. Whilst some reports say that the Tsarina gently laid down her life, the record supports the secondary reading: that the Tsarina instead buried the whole city in snow, killing the entire populace in the process. 3E Y680: After three years on the road, the remaining Urusovs finally settle in the Southern tip of the Icefields, a blind-spot for the rest of the world, and indeed most of the Ice dragons.

[thecreaturecodex]

Daemon, Echinodaemon

Image © Wizards of the Coast, by Fred Hooper. Accessed at the Stormwrack Art Gallery here

[I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. 3rd Edition D&D did yugoloths/daemons dirty. Maybe it was a reaction to their role in Planescape, where they were the masterminds of pretty much everything. But 3e’s yugoloths got seriously depowered, and most of the new species introduced were varieties of stupid goon-monsters instead of having the depth or flair of demons or devils. The echinoloth is a case in point. The original has mental statistics of Int 6, Wis 8, Cha 11, no spell-like abilities, and barely any personality to speak of.

This is one of those monsters that already has a good conversion on tumblr, with @thecreaturechronicle​‘s version. That version hews more mechanically close to the text, and makes it the patron of death by pressure. That’s a reasonable choice for a deep-sea daemon, but the echinoloth doesn’t have any pressure related abilities other than “can survive it”. I went a different direction for my version, inspired by the flavor text of them roving the deep sea and the role that real echinoderms play as important scavengers.]

Daemon, Echinodaemon CR 8 NE Outsider (extraplanar) This creature is bipedal, but rather than having a humanoid torso is roughly spherical and is dominated by a shark-toothed maw. A squirming knot of barbed tentacles grow from its upper side. It has no eyes, but moves with malign purpose.

An echinodaemon is the representation of death both of and by scavengers. They preside over the looters of battlefields and beasts squabbling over a carcass. They sometimes form from the souls of evil scavengers (otyughs are not uncommon as sources for echinodaemons), but also arise when a cacodaemon gluts itself on enough souls in a short amount of time. They are bestial and not terribly intelligent, but cunning nonetheless.

Echinodaemons are often, but not always, found in the lightless depths, wandering the deep plains of oceans both extraplanar and of the Material Plane. They also follow behind battles or preside over tar pits and sinkholes to hasten the death of the injured and trapped. The barbed tentacles of an echinodaemon inflict suppurating wounds, and they radiate an aura of nausea. A creature that dies near an echinodaemon invigorates and heals it, making them difficult enemies to fight in environments rich with the dead and dying.

Echinodaemons are not popular among other daemon types, as they will not hesitate to kill a badly wounded daemon and return it to quintessence. They do congregate in massive tangles, especially in the wake of great conflicts. Although as an outsider they do not truly require food, they are compelled to eat the fallen, regardless of whether they were living, undead or constructs. Bits of treasure can be found in an echinodaemon’s gullet, but they do not intentionally collect valuables.

Echinodaemon        CR 8 XP 4,800 NE Large outsider (daemon, evil, extraplanar) Init +5; Senses blindsight 30 ft., blind, Perception +14, tremorsense 60 ft. Aura nausea (30 ft., Fort DC 20) Defense AC 20, touch 10, flat-footed 19 (-1 size, +1 Dex, +10 natural) hp 105 (10d10+50) Fort +8, Ref +10, Will +8 DR 10/good; Immune acid, death effects, disease, gaze attacks, poison, visual spells and effects; Resist cold 10, electricity 10, fire 10; SR 19 Defensive Abilities freedom of movement, gluttonous health Offense Speed 30 ft., climb 30 ft. Melee bite +15 (2d6+5), 4 tentacles +13 (1d6+2 plus infernal wound) Space 10 ft.; Reach 10 ft. Special Attacks barbed tentacles Spell-like Abilities CL 10th, concentration +12 Constant—freedom of movement At will—death knell (DC 14), greater teleport (self plus 50 lbs. objects only), ray of exhaustion (DC 15) 1/day—inflict critical wounds (DC 16), slow (DC 15), summon (level 4, 1 echinodaemon, 40%) Statistics Str 20, Dex 13, Con 20, Int 8, Wis 12, Cha 14 Base Atk +10; CMB +16; CMD 27 Feats Cleave, Improved Initiative, Lightning Reflexes, Multiattack, Power Attack Skills Climb +21, Escape Artist +14, Perception +14, Stealth +10, Survival +14, Swim +13 Languages Abyssal, Draconic, Infernal, telepathy 100 ft. SQ bottom walker, no breath Ecology Environment any (Abaddon) Organization solitary, cluster (2-5) or tangle (7-12) Treasure incidental Special Abilities Aura of Nausea (Su) All living creatures within 30 feet of an echinodaemon must succeed a DC 20 Fortitude save each round or be nauseated for 1 round. This is a disease effect, and the save DC is Constitution based. Barbed Tentacles (Ex) An echinodaemon deals bludgeoning and piercing damage. Bottom Walker (Ex) An echinodaemon is immune to pressure and cold damage from depth in water. Gluttonous Health (Su) Whenever a living creature within 30 feet of an echinodaemon dies, it heals a number of hit points equal to 5 x that creature’s Hit Dice. Any healing in excess of its maximum hit points is lost. Infernal Wound (Su) A creature struck by an echinodaemon’s tentacle attack takes 2 points of bleed damage each round. Bleed dealt by an infernal wound is difficult to stanch—it requires a DC 19 Heal check to stop the damage, and any attempt to heal a creature suffering from an infernal would requires a DC 19 caster level check or the spell is wasted. Success indicates that the healing works normally and stops all bleed effects on the victim.

[theonyxpath]

So we end the year of 2018! So odd that Dec 31 is on a Monday Meeting day, so we’re really just squeaking the meeting in before everybody goes hither and yon to their New Year‘s celebrations.

Amazingly, almost everybody was there, and so I have a few points we discussed before ending this year’s worth of MMN blogs with our Onyx Path crew’s New Year’s Resolutions. Let’s get to it!

In the usual explosion of Kickstarter Updates we sent out last week, I started with a very special one to our Scarred Lands PG backers. The SL Kickstarter had an uphill climb to resolution having to recover from my good old friend Stewart Wieck’s death before the books were shipped.

So it was only fitting, and in my thinking positive, that I could announce to them that the next Scarred Lands project (and Kickstarter) would be the Scarred Lands Creature Collection for 5e and that Onyx Path would be working on the project with Handiwork Games – founded by another buddy, Jon Hodgson.

Jon and his team at Handiwork will be writing, art directing, and laying out the project, as well as running the Kickstarter, and we are thrilled to be able to bring their creative talents and energy honed after many years working for Cubicle7 to what is possibly the signature Scarred Lands book.

For those of you not aware of the history of the first Creature Collection book, it was published in an audacious move just as D&D 3rd Edition released the legendary d20 and OGL licenses. We heard that first they’d be publishing the 3e Players Guide and then later the 3e Monster Manual, and jumped in, wrote, illustrated, and published Creature Collection just before the 3e MM was released.

So, it’s a project near and dear to my heart, and I think that Jon’s crew are going to do amazing and beautiful things with it!

Changeling: The Lost 2e Jumpstart art by Tilen Javornik

Rather than boost more of our mentions in podcasts, or articles, or our Onyx Pathcast, or Kickstarters, I’m going to be pulling all those items down to The Blurbs! below, and for this next year I’ll be aiming at utilizing this space as a way to talk more directly to you about what’s up with Onyx Path.

That was how we got started with it just one day short of 7 years ago, so I’d like to get back there after this last year of reorganization.

And in The Blurbs! below you’ll already find information about our latest Kickstarter, They Came From Beneath the Sea!, which has done a lot better over the Christmas holiday than we expected, and now I’ve added a new section called Onyx Path Media for descriptions and links to the Onyx Pathcast, and other Onyx Path vids, as well as to Actual Plays, etc. from other folks enjoying our worlds.

Roll of Good Dogs and Excellent Cats art by Pat Loboyko

Herein lieth our Onyx Path crew’s New Year’s Resolutions for 2019:

From Mirthful Mike Chaney: “My big one for 2019 is to add more artists to the Ex3 pool and clear the log jam in that line’s production process so we can get 4 titles a year out for Ex3.”

From Monica Valentinelli: “I’m trying something new this year, because resolutions tend to fizzle before the first signs of Spring. For 2019, I’m changing my resolution to a one-word mantra: movement. From shipping manuscripts to rolling dice, there’s a lot of ways I can see this word applying to what we do at Onyx Path. Onwards to 2019!”

From Matthew “The Gentleman Gamer” Dawkins: “My new year’s resolution is to give a little more time to myself in 2019! My video game and reading time was way down in 2018, and I need to amend that in the coming year. Taking advantage of my leisure time rather than spending a lot of it on social media would go a long way toward making a more satisfied Matthew.”

From Dangerous Dixie Cochran: “In 2019, I want to, as Neil Gaiman said, “make good art.” More than that, I want to encourage others to make art, whether good or no. (Funny story, making bad art is the first step on the road to making good art.) I’ve always joked that I’m a support class in real life: I edit what others write, I help folks with problems, and I enjoy building people up and helping their voices be heard. I want to do more of that in the coming year. I want to work on helping people who are underrepresented into spotlights, and continue to showcase the current slate of amazing talent we have now. I want to work with amazing creators to figure out how to best polish their work, not just for them. I want to work on dozens of new and interesting and phenomenal books, and I want to see creatives in our field (and others) shine that maybe haven’t had the opportunity before.

I also want to meet more of you, the folks who keep us going. If you have live streams or events or podcasts, I want to hear about them! I also hope you come to the conventions we attend and say hello! Essentially, I want 2019 to be about community and coming together for the betterment of all parties involved. Happy New Year!”

From LisaT: “I’m going to try to establish a more permanent workspace in order to facilitate keeping better track of my broadening work responsibilities. And to establish some new skills in Excel and other programs to improve bookkeeping.”

From Jaunty James Bell, our Kickstarter Concierge: “2018 had a lot of transition for me – health challenges for my parents and new activities (and jobs!) for my children redefined my role as a son and father, keeping me busy. In 2019, I’m going to try to help family and friends as best I can, avoid the anger and despair from social media as much as possible, fall in love with each new kickstarter project, be organized, communicate clearly, and play more games!”

From Impish Ian Watson: “For 2019, I’d like to take more time to play games, and do some recreational reading. I enjoy both, but lately I’ve been spending my spare time on YouTube or whatever and not enough time with novels or game books.”

From Fast Eddy Webb: “In 2019, I resolve to make a second creator-owned property. It may not see the light of day in 2019, but I’d like to be in a place where I can start designing by the end of the year.”

From Mighty Matt McElroy: Well, Matt didn’t get me his resolution as he’s on a well-deserved and oft-postponed vacation (I hope!). So we won’t bother him, but I’ll give him an easy one based on past years’: “I’m going to drink all the coffee, and work crazy hours, and do seventeen person’s jobs.”

From RichT: “Gonna do more hands-on art and just be more hands-on with our projects this coming year. I participated in Inktober, and doing a piece of illustration a day was a marathon, but also was a joy that reconnected me to my art-creating roots.”

Happy New Year as we move into our eighth year as a company! Thanks to you all for your support in 2018 (and earlier) and talk to you next year all about our:

Many Worlds, One Path!

BLURBS!

KICKSTARTER:

They Came From Beneath the Sea! (TCFBtS!) funded on Kickstarter in less than 48 hours and we’ve passed through the first couple of Stretch Goals of getting Larry Blamire to illustrate a horizontal scene usable on a screen, the beginning of a book of additional Threats, and we are rising up on the next goal!

TCFBtS! has some very different additions to the Storypath mechanics we’ll be explaining during the KS that take an excellent 50’s action and investigation genre game and turn it to 11! You can see the actual play here:

Check out the teaser:https://youtu.be/kxLydk4t76s

Hope to see you there back in the 50’s, fighting watery menaces and cracking wise!

ONYX PATH MEDIA

Illustration by Michael Gaydos

This Friday’s Onyx Pathcast features an interview with SuperFan Jacob Burgess recorded at PAX Unplugged where he and Eddy ramble on hi-lariously, for quite some time I hear, all about his Bloodlines actual plays, his writing on Book of Oblivion, and maybe some hints about what he’ll be doing for us in 2019!

https://onyxpathcast.podbean.com/

And Here’s More Media About Our Worlds:

The Story Told RPG Podcast have recently provided coverage of Scion Origin and Scion Hero, both of which will help anyone looking for insight into those two games. The same podcast will be launching actual plays of Exalted and Scion in the coming weeks, so stay tuned to their channels!

Origin: http://thestorytold.libsyn.com/episode-16-scion-2nd-edition-origin-overview

Hero: http://thestorytold.libsyn.com/episode-17-scion-hero-overview 

The fine fellows at Caffeinated Conquests have started up the first streamed play of They Came from Beneath the Sea! Here’s the link to part one: https://youtu.be/pTpeQVIbv08And here’s the link to their Twitch channel so you can tune in to this game, and their other games, live: https://www.twitch.tv/caffeinatedconquests

The excellent team of Niveau Suivant are running a Scion actual play on YouTube and Twitch, and already have a log of videos should you wish to catch up on old episodes! You’ll need to be a French speaker for this one, or at least someone who enjoys the French accent: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLWC9p0HmTWK5C6FUpBQQSZnbakH5u1cTx And here’s their Twitch: https://www.twitch.tv/niveausuivant

ELECTRONIC GAMING:

As we find ways to enable our community to more easily play our games, the Onyx Dice Rolling App is now live! Our dev team has been doing updates since we launched based on the excellent use-case comments by our community, and this thing is both rolling and rocking!

ON AMAZON AND BARNES & NOBLE:

You can now read our fiction from the comfort and convenience of your Kindle (from Amazon) and Nook (from Barnes & Noble).

If you enjoy these or any other of our books, please help us by writing reviews on the site of the sales venue you bought it from. Reviews really, really help us with getting folks interested in our amazing fiction!

Our selection includes these fiction books:

OUR SALES PARTNERS:

We’re working with Studio2 to get Pugmire out into stores, as well as to individuals through their online store. You can pick up the traditionally printed main book, the Screen, and the official Pugmire dice through our friends there! http://bit.ly/2w0aaEW

And we’ve added Prince’s Gambit to our Studio2 catalog: https://studio2publishing.com/products/prince-s-gambit-card-game

Looking for our Deluxe or Prestige Edition books? Try this link! http://www.indiepressrevolution.com/xcart/Onyx-Path-Publishing/

Here’s the link to the press release we put out about how Onyx Path is now selling through Indie Press Revolution: http://theonyxpath.com/press-release-onyx-path-limited-editions-now-available-through-indie-press-revolution/

And you can now order Pugmire: the book, the screen, and the dice! http://www.indiepressrevolution.com/xcart/manufacturers.php?manufacturerid=296

DRIVETHRURPG.COM:

This week, we’re offering PDF and PoD versions of the Promethean 2e book, Night Horrors: The Tormented on DTRPG!

CONVENTIONS

Start getting ready for our appearance at MidWinter NEXT WEEK in January in Milwaukee! So many demos, playtests, secret playtests, and Onyx Path Q&As you could plotz!

And now, the new project status updates!

DEVELOPMENT STATUS FROM FAST EDDY WEBB (projects in bold have changed status since last week):

First Draft (The first phase of a project that is about the work being done by writers, not dev prep)

20 The Technocracy Reloaded (Mage: the Ascension 20th Anniversary Edition)

M20 Victorian Mage (Mage: the Ascension 20th Anniversary Edition)

City of the Towered Tombs (Cavaliers of Mars)

Mummy: The Curse 2nd Edition core rulebook (Mummy: The Curse 2nd Edition)

Geist2e Fiction Anthology (Geist: The Sin-Eaters 2nd Edition)

Pirates of Pugmire (Realms of Pugmire)

Distant Worlds (Trinity Continuum: Aeon)

Dragon-Blooded Novella #1 (Exalted 3rd Edition)

Across the Eight Directions (Exalted 3rd Edition)

Exalted Essay Collection (Exalted)

Legendlore core book (Legendlore)

Creatures of the World Bestiary (Scion 2nd Edition)

Chicago Folio/Dossier (Vampire: The Masquerade 5th Edition)

Let The Streets Run Red (Vampire: The Masquerade 5th Edition)

Redlines

Deviant: The Renegades (Deviant: The Renegades)

Witch-Queen of the Shadowed Citadel (Cavaliers of Mars)

Scion Companion: Mysteries of the World (Scion 2nd Edition)

Memento Mori: the GtSE 2e Companion (Geist: The Sin-Eaters 2nd Edition)

C20 Novel (Jackie Cassada) (Changeling: the Dreaming 20th Anniversary Edition)

Second Draft

Tales of Good Dogs – Pugmire Fiction Anthology (Pugmire)

Heirs to the Shogunate (Exalted 3rd Edition)

Scion Ready Made Characters (Scion 2nd Edition)

Scion Jumpstart (Scion 2nd Edition)

Development

Hunter: the Vigil 2e core (Hunter: the Vigil 2nd Edition)

CofD Contagion Chronicle (Chronicles of Darkness)

Lunars: Fangs at the Gate (Exalted 3rd Edition)

WoD Ghost Hunters (World of Darkness)

Oak, Ash, and Thorn: Changeling: The Lost 2nd Companion (Changeling: The Lost 2nd)

CofD Dark Eras 2 (Chronicles of Darkness)

Night Horrors: Nameless and Accursed (Mage: the Awakening Second Edition)

Manuscript Approval:

Wr20 Book of Oblivion (Wraith: The Oblivion 20th Anniversary Edition)

Trinity Continuum: Aberrant core (Trinity Continuum: Aberrant)

Editing:

Aeon Aexpansion (Trinity Continuum: Aeon)

Dystopia Rising: Evolution (Dystopia Rising: Evolution)

M20 Book of the Fallen (Mage: the Ascension 20th Anniversary Edition)

Adventures for Curious Cats (Monarchies of Mau)

In Media Res (Trinity Continuum: Core)

Tales of Excellent Cats (Monarchies of Mau)

V5 Chicago By Night (Vampire: The Masquerade)

V5 Chicago By Night Screen (Vampire: The Masquerade)

Spilled Blood (Vampire: The Requiem 2nd Edition)

Night Horrors: Shunned by the Moon (Werewolf: The Forsaken 2nd Edition)

Post-Editing Development:

C20 Players’ Guide (Changeling: the Dreaming 20th Anniversary Edition)

Signs of Sorcery (Mage: the Awakening Second Edition)

Indexing:

Scion Origin (Scion Second Edition)

Scion Hero (Scion Second Edition)

ART DIRECTION FROM MIRTHFUL MIKE:

In Art Direction

Dystopia Rising: Evolution – Finals coming in.

The Realm 

Ex3 Monthly Stuff – more art going over to WW.

Chicago By Night – Contracting next bits.

C20 Player’s Guide – Finals coming in and going in for WW approval.

Aeon Aexpansion

They Came From Beneath the Sea! – KS ready.

EX3 Lunars – Some KS finals coming in.

Signs of Sorcery – Just need fulls to come in this week.

In Media Res – Contracted.

Hunter: The Vigil 2 – KS art in progress.

Shunned By the Moon – Awaiting notes.

Marketing Stuff

In Layout

Ex Novel 2 (Aaron Rosenberg) – With Meredith.

Geist 2e

Proofing

Scion Hero – Indexing.

Scion Origin –  Indexing.

CtL2 Jumpstart – Shutting down errata.

M20: Gods and Monsters

Pugmire Roll of Good Dogs and Cats – 2nd Proof sent out.

Trinity Core – Gathering errata.

Trinity Aeon – Gathering errata.

Ex3 Dragon Blooded – Gathering errata.

At Press

Wraith 20th – New cover proof approved. Everything else is printing.

Wraith 20 Screen – Printed.

Scion Dice – At Studio2.

Lost 2e Screen – Shipping to shipper.

Scion Screen – Shipping to shipper.

Changeling: The Lost 2e – Going out to backers. PoD proof ordered.

Fetch Quest – Manufacturing continuing.

PtC Tormented – ON SALE this Wednesday on DTRPG!

TODAY’S REASON TO CELEBRATE: 

Happy New Year! May 2019 be better than 2018 for all of you in every way!