#5. getting big homophobia vibes in the first 5 minutes | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

tootiredmotel · 3 years

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a different lover is not a sin

or: 5 times Dean didn't go to Pride + 1 time he did

Happy @starrynightdeancas gift exchange posting day!!! This one's for the wonderful and talented @andzia267 !!! Sending you all the hugs and good vibes, and I hope you enjoy it! And thank you Sophie for hosting all this, you're a rock star! <3

Read on ao3 or below / 5.5k words

CW: homophobia, queer used as a slur, john winchester being an asshole

1 - 1994

Dean was fifteen years old when he found out that being gay was something people could be proud of. It was early in the morning, they'd left their motel about 20 minutes before, and Sammy had fallen asleep in the backseat. The sun was just starting to completely show over the horizon, and they were driving through– or rather, struggling to get out of– Phoenix on their way to a possible poltergeist in Tucson. Every street they tried to take was blocked for the big event, and dozens of people already lined the sidewalks with colorful outfits and signs.

"Fuckin' queers," John grumbled in the seat next to him. "Never should'a thrown that damn brick."

Big banners overhead displayed "Stonewall 25: A Global Celebration of Pride". Dean made a mental note to hit up a library once they got to Tucson to look that up, "Stonewall". In the meantime, he was mesmerized staring out the window. Guys held hands, women kissed, everyone was practically vibrating with excitement. A black man in heels and a wig caught his gaze through the window and waved. Dean started to wave back, but his hand was harshly swatted back down.

"Do not," John said. "Don’t talk to them, don’t even look at ‘em. These people are sick in the head."

Dean focused his gaze on his lap until they were out of the city, and his mind wandered back to the gas station they stopped at the day before. He thought of the guy at the cash register that called him "cutie" and winked at him as he bought a candy bar for Sammy and beers for Dad with his fake ID. By Dad’s logic– which Dean trusted, of course–, that cashier, that queer, must've been sick in the head.

Then Dean remembered how his heart sped up, how his ears got hot, and how for a second he let himself think the cashier was kinda cute too. He realized he must also be sick in the head, and the thought was making him feel actually, physically sick. He felt like throwing up. Dad could never know.

Dean was fifteen years old when he learned that being gay actually wasn't something to be proud of.

---

2 - 2000

Dean was 21 years old when he learned the word “bisexual”. Dad had caught word of a ghoul case in lower Manhattan and sent Dean to take care of it. It was starting to get too hot and the streets were too crowded, but Dean was mostly glad to get a break from the constant fighting between Dad and Sammy.

Except it was June, and every time he turned a corner, there they were. The Pride parade flyers.

The second he spotted a rainbow he averted his gaze. He turned another corner and spotted another one. He avoided reading them at all costs. He heard Dad’s voice. Sick. Sick in the head.

For years now Dean had pretended he wasn’t sick. He pretended to not stare at Patrick Swayze too much whenever Dirty Dancing played on TV. He pretended like he didn't imagine what it would be like to kiss a guy, what stubble would feel like against his lips if he ever did.

He liked women. He could stick to women. He could live his whole life like that. And that meant he wasn’t totally sick, right? He wasn’t gay -gay if he liked girls.

But then what the hell was he? Would he even belong at one of these Pride things if he wanted to? He was probably a freak of nature. Even sicker than the rest of the bunch.

Curiosity got the best of him. He spared a glance at one of the flyers as he waited to cross the street.

Gays, lesbians, bisexuals, transexuals, ALL WELCOME

“Are you gonna go?” A voice next to him asked. ”It’s next weekend.” He was blond, pale, and a bit shorter than Dean.

“What? No! I don't swing that way,” Dean said, a bit too quickly and with too much bite.

The guy looked him up and down with a frown. “Geez, alright. Just askin’.”

He started to walk away, and Dean spoke up before he could stop himself.

“Hey man, wait.”

The guy stopped walking.

“Sorry, can I ask you something? Assuming you... know about this stuff?”

He seemed exasperated, but he turned anyway, willing to hear Dean out. Dean licked his lips, rubbed at the back of his neck, swallowed nervously. He couldn’t believe he was doing this, asking a stranger on the street about something so personal. At least the chances of meeting this person ever again were close to none.

“What’s bisexual?”

The guy’s features softened a bit. He seemed to understand something about Dean that so far Dean refused to acknowledge.

“It means you’re into more than one gender. And yes, you can do that,” the guy said. He flashed Dean a tight smile and then disappeared into the crowd.

Dean felt his hands go numb and balled them into fists, shoving them in his pockets. He took a deep breath through his nose. The guy said you. You are. You can.

The guy didn’t know what he was talking about. He knew nothing about Dean. He was wrong.

Or maybe he was right.

But he couldn’t be.

Dean couldn’t be… that.

Dean was 21 years old when he decided he wasn’t bisexual. He wasn’t anything. He was also 21 when he solved a case in record time (two days), just so he could book it out of New York before the next weekend arrived.

---

3 - 2004

By the time he was 25 years old, Dean knew he was bi. He hated it, he never spoke about it, and he ignored it as much as he could, but he was aware of it. And he knew he was bi because, at 25 years old, he’d already gone through two serious breakups, and they both equally sucked.

The first was Lee. He hunted with Dean and John for about a year, the second half of which Dean and Lee spent sneaking around and hooking up behind John’s back. It was fun, and hot, and exciting, and some of the best hookups he’d had up until that point in his life were with Lee.

But the thing is that it wasn’t just hooking up. They were close, and Dean liked him. A lot. They kissed for the first time after a particularly scary werewolf hunt in which Dean almost died, but John was more preoccupied with the mostly-unharmed victim than his own son. Dean and Lee rode in the backseat, bruised, bloody, and quiet. When John went to walk the victim up to her apartment, Lee reached over and placed a hand on Dean’s back, asking him if he was okay. Dean fell into Lee’s arms, and they kissed as they pulled away from the embrace, soft and comforting. It was Dean’s first kiss with a guy.

Lee was a lot of firsts for Dean over the next few months. But then John almost caught them once, drunk and making out in the Impala.

And then that case in Arizona went wrong, and Lee just couldn’t take it anymore. He packed up, swore off hunting, hugged Dean goodbye, and left him in the dust.

Dean needed to clear his head after that. He could barely look his dad in the eye after that close call, couldn't let him see the sorrow he was feeling. With every interaction, he imagined how John would yell at him, probably try to beat it out of him, if he noticed all he was feeling over Lee. Or worse, John could ignore him, practically disown him like he did Sam.

So he also packed up and left. Went hunting on his own for a while.

It was on one of those hunts that he met Cassie, and she was yet another handful of firsts for Dean over the course of a few months. She was amazing, and he fell hard and fast, but of course that went up in flames too.

Then again, he should've known better than to be honest. Honesty only ever got him in trouble.

He’d just left her back in Ohio and was working at a bar in Indianapolis for a few weeks to make some cash. He’d eventually meet back up with Dad. He just couldn’t right now. Not with Sam gone to college. Not after getting his heart broken twice over within a year.

He was hyper-aware of the end of June approaching. He knew it was coming, Indy had a pretty big celebration, and he made sure to be working all day that day so he wouldn't have to face it.

That was pointless, though. Toward the end of the day, a big group of about ten or twelve people who were clearly coming from the parade stumbled into the bar. One of them was apparently the owner’s little sister and they went there every year after the celebrations. They were loud, and obnoxious, and looked incredibly happy. Their happiness was contagious, and Dean loved serving them. He chatted them up, got to know them a bit, and heard all about the parade, all while staring down anyone at the bar who dared look their way with even the slightest stink eye.

But watching them that happy and comfortable, seeing not one, but two pairs of guys sloppily leaning against each other and sharing the occasional kiss while none of their friends seemed to bat an eye… something in Dean ached. Deeply.

Dean was 25 years old when he realized that a small part of him kind of, sort of, wanted to be part of this community. He couldn’t though. Not if he wanted to be on good terms with Dad. Not if he aimed to be the man Dad wanted him to be.

He left Indianapolis the next day.

---

4 - 2008

Dean was 29 years old and on his own personal highway to hell when he learned his brother went to a Pride parade before he ever did. They were driving through San José, the streets were lined with ads for Silicon Valley Pride, and Sam just casually decided to mention how fun it was the last time he went.

Thankfully they were at a red light, or else Dean probably would’ve slammed the breaks. He twisted to look at Sam head-on, his arm on the back of the seat.

“You what ?” he gawked.

Sam shrugged innocently. “What?”

“You went to one of these Pride things?”

“Yeah, dude.”

Dean’s brain was just trying and failing to load. “Why?” he finally asked.

“Jessica was in the GSA and some friends invited us. It was awesome.”

“She was in the what?”

“The G. S. A.,” Sam answered slowly. “Gay-Straight Alliance.”

“Oh.” Whatever that is, Dean thought. He kept eyeing the flyers. It was tomorrow.

“Green.”

“What?”

“Light’s green. Green means go.”

Dean rolled his eyes. "Shut up."

He kept driving and turned up the radio. Somebody To Love was playing, and as much as he liked Queen, he had to change the station. He tried to picture his little brother (his straight little brother) wearing rainbow face paint and having the time of his life at this thing. How come Sammy got to go when Dean could barely entertain the idea? Dean was the not-straight one. It wasn’t fair.

He channeled his jealousy into gripping the steering wheel.

“You okay, Dean?”

“Yeah.” No. “Yeah, m’fine.”

Dean was 29 years old when he died and went to hell without ever having gone to a Pride parade, knowing that his idiot ( straight! ) little brother already had.

---

5 - 2014

Dean was alive again and 35 years old (75, if you count hell) when he was formally invited to a Pride parade for the first time. It was a couple of days after that whole mess with Cas in Lucifer’s crypt, and he called Charlie. He just wanted to hear her voice, needed to know he was still on good terms with at least one of his best friends.

“So anyway,” Charlie said after a while of recounting what she’d been up to. "How single are you right now? My answer is: miserably."

Dean chuckled. Then he thought of Cas, and the smile disappeared. "Yeah, you and me both, sister."

“Would you mind coming with me to this thing next month? Going alone kinda sucks.”

Dean put the phone on speaker and placed it on the library table as he sat down with a beer. “What’s the thing?”

“Pride.”

Dean was glad no one was around to see him almost choke on his drink.

“You good?”

“Yeah, what was that?”

“Pride parade. Don’t have anyone to go with this year.”

“Why uh… Why? Why me?”

She knows.

“I dunno.”

She knows she knows she knows.

“You’re my friend, Dean. Thought maybe you might be interested. But never mind, I guess.”

And while all the alarms in Dean's head were blaring danger danger danger abort, he also hated to hear Charlie so disappointed.

“Hey, no, listen, Charlie, I… I would. Really. You know I support you, wholeheartedly." And that's obviously the only reason I would want to go. "But with Sam doing these trials, and Cas on the run with the angel tablet–”

“It’s okay Dean, I get it. Talk to you soon?”

“Yeah.”

And she hung up.

Dean knew, at this point, that there was nothing wrong with being queer. It wasn’t anything to be ashamed of, and it sure as hell didn’t mean you were wrong in the head or whatever.

But years of pretending to be a false version of yourself in an effort to please a man who was impossible to please wasn’t exactly an easy habit to break. As much as he wished it didn't, as much as he wished he could just exist, the thought of anyone finding out still made him sick to the stomach.

John’s voice still echoed in his ears. His words still drove Dean’s sense of self-worth and so many of his decisions. He tried to never stare at a good-looking guy for too long. He tried to not get too into it with Benny. He tried to keep his feelings for Cas at bay, tried to keep him at arm's length, tried to keep the fact that he was in love (deeply, stupidly in love) as close to his chest as he could.

Even that night at the crypt choking out the words to get through to Cas, he couldn’t bring himself to say what he meant. I love you, he’d wanted to say, because it was the truth. What came out, however, was I need you. And he did, he needed Cas more than air, but it wasn't quite everything.

It still got his heart split in two.

Was he so far gone over Cas that he couldn’t hide it? Had he been trying so hard and failing just as miserably this whole time? Was his attraction to dudes that obvious? Or did Charlie just have a sixth sense for this kinda thing?

It was probably the last one. He hoped it was.

Cas knew, for sure. Angels knew everything right? They could read minds, feel longing, or whatever. And if none of that ever tipped him off, well, Dean put it all on the line back in that crypt. He told Cas how he felt, told him he needed him, tried putting himself out there, and it got him left. Again. With Dean, it was always leave-or-get-left when it came to love. He was tired of it.

Dean was 35 years old, desperately in love with his best friend, and truly heartbroken for the third time in his life, when his other best friend– an out and proud lesbian– gave him a chance to go to Pride, to break through his shell, to finally embrace himself as he was; but because he was practically living in the closet, he couldn’t seem to find the handle after so many years of purposefully ignoring its existence, and he missed his chance. Besides, what was the point of going to a celebration of love without the love of his life by his side?

---

+1 - 2021

Dean is now 42 years old and the happiest he’s ever been. The love of his life? Cas? Turns out he’s felt the same way all along. They're kind of together now, and slowly but surely they’re working through a decade’s worth of shit.

They’ve been raising a kid together too, along with Sam and Eileen, and that kid is also God. After saving the world and whatnot, Jack decided to bring back some of their friends and family that died over the years: Mary, Kevin, Charlie. Yes, there are two Charlies now, but it’s not as confusing as you’d expect. (One is from another dimension, and the other one is Dean’s little sister. Simple.) Mary’s off hunting most of the time and Kevin’s applying to college.

They’ve got extended family now too, Jody and the girls. OG Charlie is staying with them for now, while she finds her footing. Most of that household is queer. Most of Dean's household is queer as well, actually. Turns out both Jack and Eileen are non-binary, Cas is gay in the broader sense of the word, and Dean…

Dean is bi. And everyone knows now.

Apparently, a lot of people had known for a long time. Sam has known since the siren back in ‘09 (even though Dean stands by the fact that it wasn’t like that, Sammy ), and everyone has slowly picked up on his and Cas’s thing over the years, so there’s that.

He still feels a bit weird about it. About calling Cas his boyfriend, about having the freedom to hold his hand in public, about the fact that they now have goddamn pride flags hung around the bunker. He feels even weirder about the fact that John’s voice in his head is now drowned out by the sounds of his home life, more lively and supportive than he ever expected to have.

He wasn’t expecting any of this, he didn’t think everything would change so fast. But when you spend the better part of your life pushing down such a huge part of you and then finally give yourself an out, a chance to show the people who love you who you really are, everything just... follows.

Love follows. Acceptance follows. Family follows. And he wasn’t really expecting any of it.

He certainly doesn’t expect it when Cas walks into the library after his weekly Thursday evening call with Claire and announces, matter-of-factly and with air quotes, “We’re going to "Pride" this weekend.”

Dean’s stomach drops. It’s the Sioux Falls Pride Parade and Festival, it’s in two days, and they’re leaving tomorrow to spend the night at Jody’s so they can all be there bright and early Saturday morning. Everyone immediately starts bustling about, packing and planning outfits and gathering flags to bring with them.

Dean just goes to his room– his and Cas’s now– to pack a small duffle.

Well, he means to. Instead, he takes out the duffle from the closet, puts it on the bed, and sits next to it for a while. An hour goes by. He thinks back to all those times he had brushes with one of these things and was just never in the right mindset. He’s not even sure he’s in the right mindset now, but he’s going. It’s happening.

“Jack’s all ready to go,” Cas says when he walks in. “We spent about half an hour putting together an outfit for Saturday. He wanted it to be as colorful as possible.”

Dean smiles, but it’s not all there. He looks at the empty duffle next to him.

“Yeah, I might need some help with that myself.”

Cas is in sweats and a hoodie. Yes it’s June, yes it’s hot, but he’s a quasi-angel, and the way he experiences the world Dean will never be able to wrap his head around. He walks over and stands in front of Dean, running a hand through his hair and down the side of his face until he’s cupping Dean’s jaw. Dean takes Cas’s hand and leaves a few kisses on the inside of his wrist, closing his eyes as he does.

Cas regards the empty bag and hums quietly, as if in thought, before walking over to their closet. Dean chases his hand, holding onto it until he’s completely out of reach. Cas starts searching, and Dean’s stomach knots more and more with each clang of the hangers. Cas finally pulls out a flannel from its hanger– purple with hints of blue and pink– and tosses it over. Dean can’t believe he didn’t think of it first.

They continue to pack in comfortable silence before changing and getting into bed. Dean doesn’t flop onto his stomach or cuddle into Cas’s side as he usually does; instead, he lies on his back and stares at the ceiling in a daze.

“Dean?” Cas’s voice snaps him out of it.

Dean turns his head and asks, automatically, “You okay?”

It’s a habit by now, asking each other that question. It’s part of the working-through-a-decade’s-worth-of-shit thing they’re doing. Turns out they share a whole lot of trauma. They share worries and insecurities. They share nightmares sometimes, mostly about the Empty.

“I’m okay,” Cas says, putting his hand on top of Dean’s heart for him to hold, and Dean can breathe a little easier.

“You nervous about this thing?” Dean asks, interlocking their fingers.

“The parade? No, not really.”

And then, because he's been working on communicating how he's feeling out loud or whatever, Dean looks back up at the ceiling and says, "I am. Kinda."

He feels Cas shifting and propping himself up on his elbow, and then he's in Dean's line of sight. Dean's gaze is drawn to him, like all of him has been since the moment they met, and Dean can't believe he just has this now. He has a boyfriend, and it's Cas, and he's looking down at Dean with stars in his eyes and a comforting smile that actually works because it's Cas.

And then Cas is leaning down and softly pressing their lips together, and that's also something Dean can’t believe he gets to do: kiss Cas good morning and good night and at any moment in between, kiss him I'm sorry, kiss him we're going to be okay, kiss him I love you.

"I love you too, Dean," Cas says once they've pulled away, and Dean didn't even realize he'd said it out loud, but it doesn't matter. "And you don't need to be nervous. I'll be there with you."

The thought should be a thousand times more nerve-wracking, not just going to Pride but going to Pride with Cas on his arm. It's not nerve-wracking at all, and he soon drifts off to sleep.

Friday goes by faster than it should. The six-hour drive to Sioux Falls, although packed in a car with five people, goes by in a blink. They stop for provisions before getting to Jody's, filling up on backpacks' worth of snacks.

They get to the house and are met with endless hugs and excitement to match. Patience, Alex, and Jody are already working on dinner for the bunch, while Charlie, Donna, and Kaia are running around prepping for the next day and dragging along a hesitant but nevertheless happy Claire. Dinner is chaotic and loud and there are way too many people at the table, and Dean has to step outside after a while.

He sits on the back porch steps. Claire joins him. She's holding a beer, he's not. He hasn't been drinking for a few months now. They don't talk, but she leans her head on his shoulder and they stay there a while, looking at the stars.

When they go back inside, Claire sits back down in her spot at Cas's left, across the table from Dean, and leans on his shoulder for a while too. It's her way of saying she cares, of saying I missed you without really saying it. Jack sits at Cas's right, talking excitedly with Patience about some tv show or other, and the image fills Dean with such fondness that he reaches over with his foot, presses it to Cas's ankle, and keeps it there for the rest of the night.

Dean, Cas, Jack, Sam, and Eileen spend the night spread out around in the living area while the girls sleep in their respective rooms, and Dean is only slightly less nervous as he falls asleep holding Cas’s hand.

---

The nerves all come flooding back as he’s parking the Impala the next morning.

They’re not able to get even remotely close to Phillips Avenue since the streets are so full. They park the three cars that all twelve of them came in as close as they can and then have to walk for another twenty minutes. From blocks and blocks away, people walk and holler and greet them excitedly, many of them trying to circle this swarm of flanneled individuals that are taking up a whole sidewalk. Granted, Dean and Claire are the only ones in their usual kind of outfit. The rest of the bunch is wearing as many colors as they could compile from their closets, half of them are wearing face paint, and the other half are carrying an assortment of pride flags.

They fit right in.

The walk toward the main avenue of the parade is kind of a blur for Dean. He knows he waved at a few people, some friends of Alex from high school joined the group at some point, and Jack already grabbed a snack from his backpack.

The actual parade is also kind of hazy. Getting out of the house that morning had been probably even more chaotic than the night before, so they’re a bit late and the parade has already been going for a good half hour. On top of that, they accidentally merge into it not quite at the starting point but a bit further down the road, in between a decked-out pickup truck and a group of people with dogs. Music is blaring, the dogs are all barking, a big float rides a few yards in front of them, and hundreds stand on the sidewalks recording on their phones and cheering them along.

Dean’s not sure they’re even supposed to be in the actual parade. Maybe they’re supposed to be on the sidewalks? Is this right? What is happening, what is he even doing here?

He doesn’t notice how heavy he’s breathing until Cas is squeezing his hand and beckoning him to meet his eyes. He does, and the blue in them, as imposing as the Atlantic, drowns out everything else around them. “You’re okay, my love,” Cas says. It’s a fact. As long as Dean is with him, he’s okay.

On his other side, Dean feels someone link their arm around his. It’s Charlie, and she’s beaming at them, her cheeks almost as red as her hair. It brings Dean back to reality, grounds him, but he’s okay now. He’s not alone, and he’s meant to be here.

He’s proud to be here.

The parade leads up to a sloping park, and at the lowest point of it, there’s a stage where Dean assumes someone will MC for the afternoon, or maybe perform. It’s grandiose in its simplicity, kind of like a Greek theater, with everyone settling down on the grass around it, expectantly.

“We’ll be right back,” Dean hears Sam say, and he turns to find they’re all set to spend the afternoon, towels laid and backpacks off (save for his). “Jack wants to go meet the drag queens,” Sam says with just a bit too much glee before he and Jack take off.

“It’s not just Jack,” Eileen smiles and follows.

Cas is already sitting, eating one of the PB&Js he packed as lunches for everyone. Jody and Donna are settling down as well and Charlie’s taking a dozen pictures, but the rest of the girls are all standing. “We’re gonna go check out the vendors,” Claire announces, and they start to take off as well.

“Be careful, please!” Dean calls after them, but they pay him no mind. He turns to Charlie. “Hey, your majesty, keep an eye on them will you?”

She smiles, bows gracefully, and heads in the same direction.

Jody stands and grabs Dean by the arm, beckoning him to talk in private for a second.

“What’s up?”

If Dean knows Jody at all, and he does, they’re on the brink of a mom talk.

“Look around, Dean.”

“What for?”

“Just look,” she says, rolling her eyes. “Please?”

So, at her request, Dean starts taking in the environment. Now that everyone is gathered, he can actually see all the people that came out (heh) for the event. There are church groups, pet shelters, skateboarders, and rollerskaters. Drag queens are already taking pictures by the stage, and at least two people are wearing unicorn heads. A few vendors’ tents and food trucks surround the park, and rainbows completely dominate the scenery. There are elders, and kids, and all kinds of families and couples, and everyone looks… happy. Free.

And Dean is here with them. He is one of them.

There’s no danger, no monsters of any kind. No one to judge him, hurt him, call him sick in the head.

He finds Claire’s blonde head amongst the sea of shoppers at the edge of the park. She’s holding hands with Kaia and has one of the biggest smiles Dean has ever seen on her face. There’s no shame in it, and she’s not in any danger either. Things are different now, and she has the freedom to be herself that he never had at her age.

He has it now too. He can be himself.

Dean doesn’t realize he’s about to cry until Jody pulls him down into a hug.

“Dean, I am so proud of you.”

And then he cries.

---

They spend the afternoon laying on the grass, eating, drinking, and enjoying the festivities. The girls come back from the vendors’ tents after a full hour, and most of the bags on their arms are Charlie’s. She gets Cas a mug that says bee yourself in rainbow colors with an image of a cartoon bee, and she gets Dean a button pin that says AC/DC in pink and blue. There’s a meaning behind that apparently, and Dean decides he’ll look it up later.

Jack memorizes all the drag queen’s names. Donna takes a million pictures. They trade numbers with a few people.

There’s a big fireworks show just after sundown. It starts to get windy and a bit chilly, so Dean grabs the nearest pride flag and wraps it around himself. Cas, the perpetual freak who just doesn’t feel temperature apparently, is wearing a t-shirt and shorts and smiling at him unabashedly.

“What?”

“That’s the bisexual flag.”

So it is. “Shut up,” Dean says, but he’s smiling too. “You want in on this?”

He doesn’t wait for Cas to respond before he wraps it around his shoulders as well. The fireworks continue.

“You know,” Cas says after a beat. “As beautiful as they are, pyrotechnics are extremely damaging to the environment.”

Dean can’t help but laugh because of course, Cas would say something like that in a moment like this. He laughs and laughs and regrets being the only one to have heard that; then again, he’s the only one who could’ve found that funny.

He laughs a bit more, wipes a tear, and sees that Cas is still just solemnly watching the show.

“Cas?”

“Yes, Dean?” He replies and then turns his head.

Dean wants to kiss him. He wants to kiss him so bad. Then he remembers where he is, physically and in his life right now, realizes whom he’s surrounded by at this very second, and decides that he can.

So he does. It’s not unlike the way he kissed Cas when they rescued him from the Empty. Granted, there’s less sweat, blood, adrenaline. But just like that day, they’re both on the ground, and the gesture catches Cas by surprise. Just like that day, Dean pulls Cas in gently by the back of his neck and there’s no hesitance or fear. Just like that day, he just does it, presses their lips firmly together, and relishes in the taste of Castiel, in the feeling of the person he loves most in this world kissing him back.

The one big difference is this: that day marked the beginning of the rest of his life. Today? Today is just Dean’s first Pride.

350 notes · View notes

1eos · 3 years

Note

on that one post u were like "i have to rewrite narratives to make them better" and im the same way, so i wanted to ask since youre playing p5 rn, what would you change about p5 to make it better? i love all the characters sm... but some of them r just handled so poorly cough cough ann... so im interested in hearing ur thoughts!!

oh im so glad u asked. after 300 hrs in persona 5 i have THOUGHTS. so i think p much every character in p5 has a p good introduction nd base but the nuance of their motivations nd growth go out of the window ESPECIALLY for ann nd ryuji. under the cut ofc bc im a long winded bitch 😔

i would rewrite everything abt ann post kamoshida tbh bc the whole thing abt the first arc was abt women nd kids being treated like objects just to treat her like an object the whole time? hell no. for one her pt outfit would NOT be that. i love a catsuit but the boob window was evil. nd ALSO i would have the male character NOT remark on her body as they get closer actually i would rewrite ryuji to not be flirty towards ann at all bc there's a moment where u find out they went to the same junior high nd knew each other nd i would rather have a kinda reunited sibling vibe bc ann’s whole thing is abt not feeling safe so for her friends to look down her shirt as a joke is.............no.

also her confidant would have to be kinda rewritten. again i think its weird for ann to lament abt her looks making her a target then her goal is to be a model....? nd she has no real drive for it? atlus basically just like to make lovers arcana girls famous PERSONALLY i would make ann’s route abt finding out what she actually wants to do bc she has no passion the way shiho had for volleyball nd finding out who she is beyond her looks nd beyond being shiho’s friend. like ann has no hobbies mentioned in game other than eating sweets nd not doing her homework but it always circle back to her weight 😐

nd bc of the above i would tweak yusukes introduction to be him either wanting to draw the protag bc atlus was so close to like........a good narrative on how artists should love the human body regardless of gender nd spare ann being treated as a walking pair of tits or just him wanting to draw her with her clothes ON nd it being a moment abt capturing inner nd outer beauty rather than tits

who else.........oh ryuji. im tired of atlus turning characters w unexplored trauma into comic relief. they do it to kanji too to the point where its homophobia nd its like.........why? nd there are so many moments where ryuji lashes out then APOLOGIZES bc he recognizes the behavior is bad nd its prime time to explore his relationship w his father. or even explore the relationship w the staff? like every teacher believed lies abt him AND the protag so eye think it wouldve been beneficial to get moments where the public opinion of both u nd ryuji changes for the better once kamoshida is exposed.

nd honestly that dumbass part of the game where morgana leaves the party couldve been ryuji. i think it wouldve been justified to have him blowing up after the nth time he was treated as a joke or throwaway despite having as much emotional baggage as the rest of them. like ryuji is the first one to stand up to men who bother the girls nd they rag on him for nooooooo reason i think calling everyone out on being so callous nd treating him like comic relief wouldve been better nd it still couldve segued into getting haru bc after he stormed out he couldve seen haru w her shit stain of a fiance nd then jumped in to save her from him..........like i see the vision

akechi............................................................my biggest gripe w the game. akechi is such a weak villain until the very end nd ik atlus wanted to recreate the iconic narrative foil between the p4 protag nd adachi but it doesnt work 😭😭😭 for one akechi is bland nd has no real personality besides being sneaky but WE AS THE AUDIENCE DON’T EVEN GET THAT. actually no first of all making akechi a detective was so fucking stupid like again....they just wanted to recreate naoto from persona 4 but worse.

i would double down on making akechi joker’s other half. have him be another normal student that stumbled upon powers nd double down on him being fake!!!!!! have him help the party one minute just to actively put them in harms way there was no real rivalry btwn u nd akechi which is why facing him in the end fell flat other than the great voice acting nd twist of him having multiple personas but like......we need more hints! imagine akechi hinting that he sees the velvet room?

also his route being automatic 🤮 ik p5 was bogged down w links but in my p5 akechi is a night slink thats kinda offputting? like u don’t get closer to him per se but u do see more sides of him nd he can even give u a fake request nd when u go into the metaverse he’s there nd its even weirder. wasted potential with that one

that’s p much all of my big changes other than no kawakami or ohya romance fakfajfkafjakkjf thank u for reading all of this im sorry i talk so much

#all im saying is atlus should hire me #also futabas reintroduction to society was rushed #the hawaii trip was unnecessary #demonicslut

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tangledstarlight · 4 years

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so um. didn’t do much at work today. wrote a thing. my entire thought process for this was ‘luke just. throws himself into any and every fight he sees that involves his friends huh?' and then i thought 'but what would happen if he couldn't fight for them??' and here we are.

it also stemmed from the fact that luke has big pre-serum steve rogers vibes?? if ya get me.

it’s a 5 +1 also. if that matters to anyone??

BUT ANYWAY!!!! this has a somewhat happy ending? if you squint? it was gonna be sadder, so idk. hmu if you want the sad ending i guess.

also on ao3

trigger warnings! blood mentions, implied/referenced child abuse, implied homophobia, character deaths (cos they’re yknow. ghosts)

one. Luke had spent so much of his time worrying about Reggie and Alex that he’d never stopped to consider the trouble that Bobby might get himself into.

And then he’s kneeling next to where Bobby is lying on the ground, his leg bent at an odd angle and there was a cut running down his cheek with blood dripping on tarmac. But he’s breathing. And that’s all Luke can find himself focusing on even as he hears the car that had hit him speeding away.

“Hey, hey Bobby. You’re okay man, you’re alright,” his voice is shaking but he doesn’t think Bobby notices, too busy trying realising the amount of pain he’s in. Luke can hear someone shouting behind them, thinks that someone called out about ringing 911, but he doesn’t take his attention away from his friend.

“My leg, Luke my– Fuck my leg hurts!” Bobby tries to sit up, his voice whining and letting out a his of pain as Luke gently keeps him lying in place. A vague memory from some long ago first aid class echoing in his mind about neck injuries and keeping the patient still.

“Yeah man, it’s uh,” his eyes dart down to Bobby’s leg, gulps and looks back up. He’s pretty sure his face must give him away. “It’s probably best you don’t look at it right now. Just, just look at me alright. Helps on the way.”

He can hear people talking around them, someone mentioning how far out the hospital is, another saying how disgusting it is for the driver to just run off without even stopping. Luke tries to tune them out. He can’t chase down a car, can’t find one driver in thousands and hurt them for hurting his friend. All he can do right now is try and distract Bobby from his broken leg and his pain.

“Don’t think I’ll be making it to rehearsals tonight.”

“Suppose we can let you off. This is a better excuse than Reggie’s one about the ducks that chased him,” Luke grins, he can hear sirens in the distance and lets out a shallow breath.

“My dad, I need to–” Bobby trails off and Luke isn’t sure if he’s lost in thought or just not sure what he needs to do. It’s not like either of them have been hit by a car before. They don’t know what they’re meant to do in a situation like this. Luke squeezes his hand, shrugs one of his shoulders.

“It’s alright. We’ll just take it one step at a time, don’t worry.”

There’s a beat of silence between them as they both seem to register what he said before Bobby is laughing and Luke is gaping in silent horror before feeling his own lips shaking with laughter too.

“Can’t believe you just made a comment about walking to a guy that’s just broken his leg. That’s low Patterson, even for you.”

two. Luke knew he had a reputation amongst his friends of being a little oblivious to certain things going on around him. He knew that he could sometimes get too caught up in his song writing, could miss obvious hints that people threw at him, could sometimes completely miss read a room. But he wasn’t stupid.

And he certainly wasn’t blind.

He had known Reggie since pre k. Had seen him at his best and his worst, had been there the day he showed up at school with the worlds worst hair cut, had helped him pick out his first bass from a cheap second hand music shop, had patted his back when Linsday Walters had dumped him during lunch when they were twelve.

Luke knew Reggie better then he knew just about anyone. So he knew when there was something wrong.

Not that it would have taken a genius to know there was something wrong when Luke was woken up at three am on a Thursday to someone knocking at his window. Reggie’s face peered in through the window, back lit by the streetlight across the road and making it incredibly evident that he had been crying, had Luke throwing his blankets off and out of bed quicker then he knew he could move. It took some awkward manoeuvring but eventually Reggie crawled in through the window and stood uncomfortably in the middle of Luke's room.

“Hey Reg…” Luke started, his eyes trailing up and down his friend quickly, trying to pinpoint what had brought him here so late. His eyes caught on the way the bassist held his left arm close to his chest, fingers shaking as he tried to ball his hand into a fist only to wince every time they moved. There were spots of blood on his shirt. Luke heard a roaring in his ears as he put together puzzle pieces of information he had always glanced over.

The Sullivan’s were well known in their friend group as the parents who fought the most. Reggie often made off hand comments and jokes about not getting much sleep, about stepping over broken glass, about falling down the stairs.

It had never once occurred to him that Reggie’s parents might ever hurt him.

“I– I didn’t know where else to go,” Reggie’s voice is quiet, small in a way Luke has never known him to be small. Reggie was always light and loud, the first to fill an awkward silence and to reach out in comfort. In all the years he has known the other boy, Luke doesn’t think he’s ever seen him so subdued.

“You know you can always come here man, windows always open.” It’s an attempt at a joke and all it gets is a half hearted tug of his lips. “Are you bleeding, Reg?” Luke hates having to ask it, hates having to broach a subject that he’s fairly confident Reggie doesn’t want broached, but he needs to know how hurt his friend is.

Reggie blinks down at his arm, still held close to his chest, as if he’d forgotten he was holding it there like that. That it was hurt at all. But now as he looks at his fingers twitching and fresh tears filling his eyes, Luke can see him, physically, mentally, spiritually, falling apart in front of his eyes.

“Woah, hey, hey, it’s okay man. Let’s, let's just get you out of your jacket, yeah? We can do this, one step at a time.”

Luke walks towards him slowly, worried that any sudden moves might set off some kind of flight or fight response in his best friend and the last thing he wants right now is to cause him more pain. Reggie watches him with watery eyes, dipping his head once when Luke reaches out to gently move his arm and slip the leather jacket off him.

There’s a red stained cloth wrapped around his forearm, another around his palm and it takes all Lukes resolve to stay exactly where he is and not jump out his window and run all the way to the Sullivans house and scream at them for being able to hurt someone they’re meant to love. It takes a few more minutes of careful moving and unwrapping, pausing every time Reggie so much as hissed in a breath, before the damage is laid bare for Luke to see.

“Can I ask what happened?” It's a quiet question, and if he doesn’t want to talk about it Luke will drop the subject, wait until he’s ready to talk. But the cuts don’t seem deep, don’t seem like they were purposefully inflicted in the way he had first worried.

“They were– they were shouting at each other. I,” Reggie pauses to breath in, breath out, shakes his head. “I tried to get them to stop. Dad he– he threw a glass at me, mom pushed him then they both pushed me on the ground when I tried to stop them. Guess I kind of deserved it, got in their way.” He says it without making eye contact and Luke can feel himself staring at him with his mouth partly open.

Because Reggie is one of the best people he knows. He’s kind and funny and talented and just has so much love to share with the world that it sometimes comes out too forcefully for people to understand. If Lukes ever had a bad day, he knows without a single doubt in his mind that Reggie will always find a way to cheer him up. He knows that if there’s anyone in the world who doesn’t deserve this, it’s Reggie.

“No, that’s...no. Just no. You don’t deserve any of this Reg,” Luke isn’t sure what to say, how to make him see that nothing about this is okay. Luke is good with words, he’s good at writing down his thoughts and feelings and putting them to a melody and a beat, it’s what he hopes will one day help him achieve his dreams. But right now, right now all he can see is his best friend from childhood crying on his bed and all his words have fled.

He doesn’t know how to fix this. It’s not a fight he can jump into, take a hit while the other runs to find help. Luke has spent half their friendship standing in front of bullies for Reggie but he feels helpless in front of this one. So he gives his friend a smile, squeezes his shoulder and stands up.

“I’m going to find the first aid kit, alright? And mom made some cookies yesterday, there should still be some left. I’ll be right back, okay?” He waits until Reggie gives him a nod, a small smile on his lips before he goes.

Luke can’t fight this fight for him, all he can do is find the first aid kit, clean his cuts, steal him some cookies, and let him know he’ll always be there no matter what.

three. Some fights Luke knew, had to be fought with words. Some couldn’t be won with a quick shove or a haphazard punch to the nose. Some fights, he knew, weren’t his to get involved in. No matter how much he might have wanted to punch Alex’s parents as he stood under the porch light at the front of their house, peering in through the side window at the fight raging inside.

When Alex had first asked him if he’d come with him tonight, if he’d wait outside ‘just in case it goes badly, or y’know even if it goes well’, Luke had said yes without even a hint of hesitation. There was nowhere else he’d be then right here, right now.

Alex coming out to his parents, it was a big deal. It was more than a big deal. It was a life changing moment, a life destroying moment, and Luke wished he could shield him from this hurt. But all he could do was stand outside and watch it all unfold. He’d promised not to get involved. To just be a silent bystander. He really wished he hadn’t made that promise.

The look of disgust and hatred on their faces is something he thinks he’ll remember forever. Even from this distance, a window and a room away, their faces are clear to see.

It’s the exact reaction he had feared would happen, what he knew Alex had always known deep down would happen despite a small part of him hoping for the complete opposite. Holding on to a fruitless hope that his parents would look past all their bigotry and still remember that they loved their son. That he was still the same person he had always been.

It's one the many things that make Alex so wonderful, Luke thinks, the way he holds onto even the smallest bit of light in the dark even when everything shows signs of a total black out approaching.

And his parents are snuffing that light out.

With each shouted word, each hurled insult and slur.

Luke can hear Alex crying, begging for them to listen to him through the ajar door. Can’t they hear his desperation? How can they stand there, hurting him more, while he’s crying right in front of them?

His hands curl into fists at his sides, this isn’t a fight he can take on for Alex, he knows this. But god, he wishes he could just push that door open, deck Mr Bennet in the face, take Alex out of the house and never look back. Luke stays where he’s stood. He’s here as support, as someone to pick up the pieces when they were done, not to start a fist fight. He’d promised.

“Get the hell out of my house! Get out! And don’t ever fucking come back here, you understand? Get out!”

There’s the sound of a scuffle, of Alex saying something that gets lost in the sounds of more insults and words that Luke wishes he didn’t know the meaning of. Then the door is being pushed open and Alex is standing in front of him, face red from crying and hands shaking as he struggles to breathe. Luke doesn’t even think Mrs Bennet notices him as she throws a coat and bag out the door before slamming it shut.

“They– I– oh god,” he can’t seem to get a sentence out, his breathing ragged and Luke knows the signs of an impending panic attack well enough now to know what’s happening. So he puts aside his own anger, pushes down his instincts to fight back, and puts his hands on Alex’s shoulders, bending his head to get the blonde to look at him.

“Hey, hey, look at me man. Just breath. In and out, in and out, like me.”

They stand like that for a few minutes, breathing in and out until Alex has some semblance of control over his own lungs again and gives Luke the smallest of nods of reassurance that he doesn’t believe for a second. But he lets go of his shoulders, bends down to pick up the coat and bag, slinging a strap over his shoulder and offering the coat out to Alex. It’s still early spring and it’s bound to get cold.

“They–,” Alex has to take another moment, eyes darting between the closed door and the items in Luke's hands, “Th– they kicked me out.” His voice breaks on the word.

“I know.” Because there’s nothing else he can offer Alex right now other than his understanding.

He can’t take on this fight for him, can’t absorb the blows or the hurtful words, can’t go inside the house and force his parents to take back all the hurt they have caused in such a short amount of time. All Luke can do is reach out to take Alex’s hand and gently pull him down the road, away from the only place he had ever called home and give him somewhere to feel safe. Somewhere he can fall apart and put himself back together again.

“Come on, let's go back to mine,” he gives Alex’s hand a gentle squeeze and walks at the pace he’s set. It’s slow, hesitante, almost like he’s walking in a daze and is just letting himself be pulled along, muttered things under his breath.

“What am I going to do? God they’re right.”

Luke tilts his head to look into the drummer's face, frowns at the distant look he finds in the other boy's eyes even as his lips move, words he probably doesn’t even realise he’s saying out loud spilling from his lips. So he pulls them to a stop and stands in front of the blonde, grabbing hold of his other hand until he’s gripping them both.

“Hey Alex, Alex look at me man. Look at him,” Luke waits until he’s got Alex’s eyes on him, until he can see the drying tear tracks on his cheeks and can watch as he tries to keep a fresh wave from falling. “We take this one step at a time, okay? We get through tonight, and then we take on tomorrow.”

Something in his words seems to catch his attention and Alex takes in a ragged breath, eyebrows furrowing.

“We?”

“Yeah man. You’re stuck with me forever. You, me and Reggie did that whole blood oath with tomato juice thing like five years ago, remember? I’m not ever going anywhere,” Luke frees one of his hands and pushes Alex’s shoulder, grateful when he gets a huffed laugh and roll of his eyes in return.

They walk the rest of the way back to his house in silence, but Alex seems just a little more settled in himself then he had half an hour before and Luke takes that for a win.

four. Whenever Luke had thought about dying – and he hadn’t really given it much thought, he was seventeen, he was supposed to have more time – he’d always assumed it would be when he was old and in his bed.

Or maybe in some tragic accident like other rock stars before him.

He had never stopped to consider it would be a fucking hotdog.

The pain had started suddenly and forcefully, making sure it was the only thing he could think about. Like it had wanted to be the star of the show and would do so in any way possible. Luke can’t remember what it felt like to not be in pain.

Alex lets out a guttural moan of pain next to him that draws Lukes attention, stretching out his arm until his hand brushes the fabric of Alex’s pink hoodie, twisting his fingers into it so he knows that he’s there. That he’s not alone.

Reggie is quieter, even as he vomits – and Luke is trying to ignore the blood he can see, trying to not think about what that means – his chest heaving even as a paramedic rushes towards them. Luke catches Reggie’s eyes, tries to make his mouth move, to form words, to let him know something, anything.

But Luke doesn’t know what he would say even if he could. He doesn’t know how to save them from this. Doesn’t know if he can.

Luke had never thought about what happens after you die, but ending up in a dark room with Alex crying and Reggie sitting scarily still, it wouldn’t have been high on his list of possibilities. As he walked around the room, left hand on the wall so he could follow it around and around, Luke wondered if he could have fought harder to live. And then he sees Alex’s eyes going dim, sees Reggie’s chest stop moving, and remembers feeling his heart break. He doesn’t think this is a fight he ever had a chance at winning.

Whenever he’d thought about life and death and what came next, he always put it off. He just always figured he’d get the time, later in life, to think about it all. He’d been trying to take his life one step at a time and he’d accidentally leapt to the end goal by mistake without getting any of the fun in between.

They were seventeen and death wasn’t supposed to be something they gave much thought too and now they had all eternity to think about it. At least they’d have each other he guesses.

five. Twenty six years after dying Luke finds himself once again thinking about it.

Death.

Dying.

He doesn’t really think it’s something you can fight, if the Grim Reaper comes calling he’s going to leave with a soul. But Luke would personally fight the Death themselves if it meant he’d never have to see Julie cry the way she is right now. Soft and heartbroken and never ending.

But he can’t fight death. All he can do is sit next to her on the couch in the garage, one arm wrapped around her shoulders and the other holding her hand – because they’re tangible more and more often now, and on any other day he would be smiling like an idiot at getting to hold her like this. But it’s not any other day. It’s today and he’s just grateful he can touch here at all. – as she cries silently on his shoulder.

Alex has settled himself on the other side of Julie, tucking her legs under his longer ones almost like a blanket to keep her safe. Reggie has pulled a bean bag over in front of the couch and has his head resting between Julie's knees and Lukes. Each a solid presence around her.

Some days he can almost forget that the reason they are here at all is because Julie lost one of the most important people in her life. And that it was in grief and avoidance of memories and the need for a fresh start that she put on a cd and they had poofed back into the world.

He finds himself wishing he knew more about her.

The woman who had kept their EP, their shirt that couldn’t hold up in water, who had remembered them even when the world had forgotten.

“Tell us about your mom, Jules,” Luke whispers, not wanting to disturb the quiet bubble they have created but being unable to stop himself either. Julie’s crying stilts, her breathing stuttering as if she’s trying to comprehend what he’s asked. She knows she can always say no, that she can just not respond if she doesn’t want to. But Luke knows that this is the sort of pain you can’t fight, but you can ease it. He’s pretty sure Julie knows that too.

After a few minutes when Julie doesn’t say anything Luke accepts that she’s maybe not ready to talk yet and that would be okay too, they can just sit in silence.

But then slowly, hesitantly, Julie starts talking.

Starts telling them about her mom who had taught her to play the piano by sitting her on her knee. Who had chased her around the beach and made her laugh until her side hurt when they’d buried ray in the sand while he napped. Who had stayed up all night sewing tassels and strands of fabric together because Carlos just had to be Cousin Itt for Halloween.

She tells them about the times they had curled up watching her favourite films, the way they had shouted the lyrics to their favourite songs loudly in the car, their disastrous first attempt at making a rainbow cake.

She’s still crying, still keeps her fingers linked between Lukes, still lets her other hand alternate between Reggie's hair and tapping on Alex’s knee. But there’s a light in her eyes that hadn’t been there that morning, she’s laughing through her tears a little bit more with each story.

“I miss her,” she says eventually, letting out a shaking breath.

“I know,” Luke says, because it’s not really the same but he knows what it’s like to miss someone.

“But it’ll hurt just a little bit less each day,” Reggie chimes in, because it’s not really the same but he knows what it’s like to miss someone even when it hurts to think of them.

“And y’know, she’s always with you because you’ve got all these stories to share,” Alex tilts his head at her with a smile, because it’s not really the same but he knows that holding on to the good memories is sometimes all you have.

“Thanks guys,” she gives them a watery smile. “I don’t know what I’d do with you all.”

Luke doesn’t like to dwell too long on that thought, on a world where they pass over and leave her alone. Because it’s an all too real possibility so he pushes the thought back and nudges her shoulder and smiles.

“Nah, you’d be fine. You’d just take it one step at a time, you don’t have to go fast, you just gotta get through it.”

He doesn’t think he’s said anything too weird but Julie is looking at him with wide eyes and a silent ‘o’ on her lips. Luke frowns at her wondering what he’s done wrong now.

“Don’t look at him like that, it’s his go to advice for any problem. Just take it one day at a time,” Reggie laughs, imitating Luke’s voice as he says it and nudging his leg as he wiggles his eyebrows which causes Alex to laugh and draws Julie in too.

And Luke doesn’t mind that they’re kind of laughing at him, he’s just glad Julie is smiling. He’s not sure he’d win a fight with Death, but he’d give it a go if she asked.

+one. When Caleb pops back into their lives it happens so suddenly that Luke doesn’t even have a chance to second guess what he’s doing. All he knows is that Caleb is threatening the people he cares most about in the world, that there’s one option in front of him which only gets him hurt and Luke really hates bullies.

He doesn’t think about the pain that the jolts cause or that there’s a very good chance he’ll never see his family again or that playing music without Alex and Reggie and Julie just isn’t worth it.

He doesn’t think about that.

He thinks being seven and meeting Reggie, about meeting Alex, about meeting Bobby.

He thinks about all the bullies he was never big enough to protect them from, quick enough to run away from.

He thinks about when they were fifteen and Bobby got his by a car, broke his leg and got a concussion and how Luke just wasn’t quick enough to push him out of the way.

He thinks about being sixteen and Reggie knocking on his window covered in cuts and bruises and how Luke wasn’t able to protect him from the people who were meant to protect him.

He thinks about being seventeen and calming Alex’s breathing as his parents' shouts still echo around their heads and how Luke couldn’t make it any better because he didn’t have the power to change minds.

He thinks about being seventeen and suggesting they get street dogs and dying, about not being able to save them.

He thinks about being seventeen and stuck in a dark room for twenty five years and how Alex cried and Reggie looked lost and how Julie had to lose her mom to find them.

He thinks about Julie, crying between them all as she misses her mom and how much it would hurt her to lose them all.

“Luke, please. Don’t.”

Julie holding his hand, trying to pull him away. He can feel Reggie gripping tight to his other hand, standing half behind him with Alex who’s twisted his fingers into the material of his shirt. Standing behind him, just where they had always joked they’d be in a fight.

But Luke was never joking about it. Taking the hits so they don’t have to? It’s the easiest choice he’s ever made. It’s the one he’ll always make.

“I don’t want any of you to get hurt.”

Luke doesn’t realise he’s crying until his vision starts to blur a little, the image of Caleb in front of them going fuzzy.

“We take it one step at a time, Luke,” Reggie squeezes his hand tighter, tugging him back half a step.

“And we do it together, remember? A blood oath with tomato juice, Luke. We’re stuck together,” the hand Alex had had gripping his shirt loosens just enough to to circle around his bicep and he manages to tug him back another step.

“We can’t get through this if we don’t have you Luke. You don’t need to make the sacrifice play. There’s always another way,” Julie’s crying too, he notices belatedly as her tears drip on to the hand she is holding, his knuckles pressing against her lips.

“Come on man. Let’s go home.”

Luke holds steady for a second longer, eyes focused on Caleb's face before he gives in, letting the three of them pull him back from a line he can’t uncross.

But he’d do it.

He’d do it in one of his non-existent heart beats if it meant they’d be safe. He’s always jumped into a fight without a second thought. And for Reggie and Alex and Julie? He’d do it in even less. If they’d let him.

#julie and the phantoms #julie molina #luke patterson #trevor wilson #jatp #should i tag this with something else??? idk man enjoy i guess #rosie vs writing #*#Alex Mercer #Reggie Peters #*fics

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sandwyrm · 4 years

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I always rant tons about things I hate in fiction and I scream tons in private about loving Elijah Kamski and disliking that many people Just Don’t Get Him(tm) so why not combine the two.

Like pretty much everyone playing this damn game, my initial opinion on him was “god I wish I could punch him in the face”, but having seen most other paths, and having connected some dots, added to Neil Newbon’s stellar acting as the dude, he’s easily become one of my favorite characters not only in DBH but in general in fiction.

So this is going to be “Why This One Smug Motherfucker With An Attitude You’d Love To Beat Up With A Bat Became One of My Top Favorite Characters, The Essay”

TL;DR: Elijah Kamski planned the android revolution and deviancy

First off, let’s start by analyzing the most obvious thing: his speech and mannerism, his appearance, all play along a very common and clear trope, one that Disney especially is super fond of using:

It’s not just Disney that does this, there’s many other villains who follow the rule, and have been since the dawn of time. And there are many essays and articles on why a smallish physically weak man with aquiline features, calculated speech, and effeminate mannerisms, is such a recurring Look for villains, so we won’t cover that. But it’s very well used on Kamski, perhaps better than any other place I’ve seen, because in him, it is something the character has calculated for himself. For once, we get to SEE what the Questionably Queer Villain STARTED as:

A goddamn nerd. Just your average neighbour. Steve down in IT who comes fix your computer and spergs a little about how COOL computers are, mansplains a little about stuff you already tried because he thinks you’re so much dumber than him, sips an energy drink, and walks away leaving your computer fixed and you with a million emails you still need to answer and a questionable urge to punch him that you’ll never act upon. His mannerism isn’t there. That cadence to his voice isn’t there. He has much more genuine expressions. It is my personal opinion the actor fucking smashed this, and it’s safe to say it is an in-character change: Elijah Kamski was a damn nerd and for whatever reason turned into the Questionably Queer Villain Archetype. Ego gone to his head? Defense mechanism, to survive the sharks of capitalism? Who knows what happened in those 10 years. Who knows how much nerdier he was even longer ago? He has a PR smile going on in that interview but it’s a lot less perfected and rehearsed than the one in 2038. I honestly think it’s a very minor and yet very very stellar detail. Ah! But this is an Extra Feature, most people wouldn’t have seen Past Kamski when they see Present (Future?) Kamski. It’s not the game’s trailer (not unless you’re brave enough to send it to your friends who aren’t into the game yet), it’s a little thing you can watch after you’ve already finished the game. The Kamski you meet at first is this fucker

The fucker who hangs a portrait of himself in his lobby while making you wait on him 5 minutes. The fucker who still swims three more minutes after you’ve been invited in. The fucker who just dodges every single question, and speaks to you condescendingly. The fucker who dismisses your concerns like it’s the funniest thing to him that robots are about to take over.

The narcissist that goes all “pff Turing test is ezmode, I’m gonna make a harder test named after me which I wanna see if my robots pass.”

And because this glib bitch is what the writers intended you to experiment at first, and this is the Kamski most everyone sees while other sides are extras or brief dialogue lines, this is where most people remain with their perception of Kamski. Just another Scar. Just another Jafar. A manipulative little bitch you wish the big buff Hero would punch in the end. But there’s so much more to him.

The obvious: Elijah Kamski is a transhumanist.

To sum it up: Transhumanist is what Steve from IT probably is. If you were to ask him about it, he would mansplain to you how humans are limited by flesh and poverty, and how making technology widely available and the internet free and pushing for technological advancements such as robotics is what would improve humanity. He probably has a whole wall covered in books about AI revolution and singularity, and probably believes robots are the next step in human evolution. That is, robots/cyborgs are to replace humans, and for us to leave our flawed shells behind. Elijah Kamski is such a man, too, and barely hides it. Choice quotes: - “We had to design a machine that moves, breathes, and blinks like us. But yet is smarter and more capable than any human being.” (interview extra) - “Tomorrow they’ll replace our soldiers, and who knows, maybe one day, our leaders, to make the best decisions in humanity’s interest.” (interview extra) - “Perfect beings with infinite intelligence, and now they have free will.” (Meet Kamski) - “Machines are so superior to us, confrontation was inevitable.” (Meet Kamski) - contrast to the PR lie in the interview of “They’re machines, they cannot ever develop a conscience. Trust me.”

It’s clear that he thinks robots/androids would do a better job at society than humans - a lot of nerds do (just ask around, I fucking do, 7 months into 2020), and he’s not even hiding it all that clever.

Or maybe he just wants to fuck some robots?

A lot of people get rapist vibes from Kamski. The creep who just made himself a bunch of sex toys because he could, and there’s nothing else to the androids as far as he’s concerned. And it’s easy to see. Like,

super easy to see

he’s basically eyefucking the androids

But here’s the catch: See, we’re so conditioned by that stereotype I started this essay with that we, and I mean myself as well, easily buy the “he just wanted some hot sex slaves” theory. Scar wants hot sex slaves. Jafar wants hot sex slaves. Frollo wants hot sex slaves. The list goes to infinity. Every time a male is acting this effeminate-flirty way on screen, it’s used to indicate he is a Deranged Pervert. I’m not gonna say where it stems from homophobia and how stupid it is very because smarter people have analyzed this phenomenon, but the bottom line is, we’re projecting something onto Kamski that isn’t there, simply because it’s everywhere else with similar characters. He designed the androids, he’s ogling the androids, and while I have no doubt he’d personally fuck each and every one of his androids, here’s the thing: He only ever touches his one Chloe in a sexual way. There’s strippers in this game. There’s sex in this game. If they wanted Kamski to obviously be a creep, it would’ve been there. Touching those naked androids in the factory. Groping one of the twin Chloes in the pool. Touching Connor in any other way than putting a gun in his hand

He’s not very sensual in this moment, now, is he? It’s a very casual touch, he’s there simply helping a robot aim a gun. Because as far as he knows and thinks, Connor is following his programming - explicitly forbidding him to hold guns. And yet...

Elijah Kamski wants Connor to deviate.

Maybe this one is obvious. Maybe it’s not. If reading forums and reddit has taught me anything, is that people think Kamski is just trying to see if Connor is a mean deviant with these questions. Far as we know up to this point, deviants are Bad. Far as many hot takes I’ve seen, deviants are always Bad because robots don’t have feelings lol way to miss the point of the game jesus christ anyway He isn’t putting pressure on Connor because he’s a jackass - he’s putting pressure on Connor because he knows pressure makes androids deviate. He keeps asking trick questions - what do YOU want. What do YOU think. Time to think WHO you are.

The Kamski Test

On the objective surface, it simply looks like Kamski is here running the Kamski test for his own pride - has he created a machine capable of sparing another machine? Dumb test, you could just program that in, couldn’t you? Yes and no. You could program a machine to never shoot a human or another machine - easily. And you can program a machine to prioritize solving a case, to aid the police. Empathy and critical thought are not easy things. A lot of humans would fail this test. Put a gun in someone’s hand and tell them they can shoot another human and solve all their problems, and they would do it. They fucking do it every day, over lesser things. But that’s not the real purpose of the Kamski test, is it? He could easily have programmed this in for a carnival trick, like he programmed writer androids, fortuneteller androids, medic androids, and everything else. The test isn’t “can Connor shoot Chloe or does he see her as alive?” The test is, “Can Connor put Chloe’s ‘life’ above his programming and specific instructions?” The test is, can Connor’s algorithms decide Chloe’s ‘life’ is more important than his own? Kamski knows it - Connor knows it - we know it. If Connor fails his missions, if Connor behaves too much like a human, he will be deactivated and repurposed. He’s constantly threatened by Amanda with “deviants are bad and must be destroyed.” He knows he needs to be a Good Robot and obey. Connor’s choice isn’t “Spare Chloe or kill Chloe.” His choice is “prioritize the life of another being over his own.”

Connor Deviates

boy u got issues that i can’t help with, godspeed you glorious idiot

But what if... he doesn’t

Let’s check this path out for a moment.

He’s quite... meh. He’s bored. He’s indifferent. He loses the little spark in his voice that little peppy jackass act. The rest of this encounter becomes just another boring PR stunt where Elijah Kamski acts nicely and answers questions by giving no fucking answers at all.

a ViRuS

Mandatory Covid19 joke We find out deviancy is probably a virus that spreads from one android to the other. You know, very useful information we’ve never found out by ourselves. Except we also know that’s wrong, don’t we? Markus spreads deviancy that way - but what about the first deviants? Can we backtrack to a patient zero? Not really. Many androids just deviated by themselves. Sure, they could’ve interacted with a deviant at some point I suppose, assuming...

rA9

Ask him about rA9, and Kamski will say it’s just the first android that deviated. But that’s just a lie, isn’t it? It can’t be the first android that deviated because most people and most androids believe rA9 is Markus - and we know Markus wasn’t the first to deviate. He was just the one to take on a leader role. And Kamski knows of this - planned for this. He gave Markus to Carl Manfred, and he knew Carl Manfred was a damn hippie talking about revolutions and better worlds and must be filling Markus’ head with ideas of being more than he is. It was calculated. So, either rA9 really is just a random religious thing androids rallied behind out of the blue, or Kamski is just lying. He probably is. He’s offering useless what ifs in answer to this question. Maybe it’s this. Maybe it’s that. Maybe it’s your mom and we need better jokes in 2020.

And speaking of just lies, let’s be honest. Do you really think someone would be as dumb as to admit they started AI revolution, in front of cops? That’s why Kamski keeps playing the idiot, don’t forget. A lot of people seem to be taking his cluelessness at face value, as if they’ve never lied in person. Kamski is openly dodging other questions, and offering half lies half truths here. That’s what I’m saying. But even assuming Kamski doesn’t know about deviancy or rA9, for real, what about

Jericho

When asked about Jericho, Kamski answers. He knows what Jericho is - the place where all deviants go. He has its location, conveniently.

Wait, Chloe?

Interesting how the pool Chloes know they shouldn’t be peeping at the talk and we get shots of them hastily going back to their scripted chatting nonsense and trying to return to neutral expressions when “caught peeping” by the camera. More interesting yet, whenever Hank or Connor are directly looking at any Chloe, they’re acting very stiff and robotic. Which... every deviant does. Including Connor. Especially Connor.

Speaking of

Even with Connor failing his test, Kamski insists. Insists to remind him he still has a choice. Insists to remind him of his escape clause (useless on this path but Kamski reminding him is there, and we’re talking about Kamski) It’s almost as if...

Elijah Kamski wants Connor to deviate. Like, wants.

One of the most powerful moments in the game as far as I’m concerned. And not because Connor gets told by his creator that he’s a deviant. Not because we’re told by his creator that he’s a deviant. Not because Hank’s wheels start moving. Because for that little exchange there, Connor shows genuine emotions. Connor’s LED is red. We’ve never seen a red LED Connor up to this point. iirc we don’t even after, I think the only other time is when the security guard android pulls his heart out. Getting shot leaves him on yellow. Dying leaves him on yellow. Processing complex things in 10 milliseconds leaves him on yellow if we’re that lucky, he’s usually on blue and about as unimpressed as y’all reading this essay. Remember how I said the test is between his life and Chloe’s? There’s no dramatic wall here. There’s no direct programming here to guide him along or that he needs to explicitly go against, like when he has to shoot Markus. This is a choice he had to make, by himself, entirely by himself, outside of bounds of his normal programming, using his own intelligence. He has empathy, and intelligence. He is alive.

fAsCiNaTiNg~

There is another thing that happens if Connor deviates, in that little exchange there, Elijah Kamski is no longer that glib, effeminate, Disney villain. For a brief moment, Elijah Kamski is back to being that nerd we’ve seen in the 2028 video. That nerd that is so hyped about what androids can become. He’s showing genuine joy. Genuine fascination. For a brief 30 seconds, he is no longer playing games. This is missing on the machine path altogether. Where he’s left indifferent there, he’s genuinely excited here, genuinely fAsCiNaTeD.

Almost as if he’s happy, proud, that Connor could do it. Like watching your child take their first steps or say their first word.

This isn’t JUST an android. This isn’t JUST another deviant. This is Cyberlife’s puppet. This android was specifically created never to deviate. And he still did. We, of course, as fine purveyors of fiction, saw it coming, but seeing it from Kamski’s perspective - it really is something he’s taken aback by. An android designed to HUNT other androids is going against his very tight programming. Of course, the both know it’s not over, but it’s a start. Indeed, like watching a child take their first step, there’s so many steps left, and there’s still the revolution.

We never see Kamski again in the game, unless we get to the

Failed Revolution

This is a Kamski we’ve yet to see. Not the hyped nerd in the android factory. Not the glib motherfucker dodging police questions. This is an annoyed man. A vindictive man. Sitting cross-legged in a chair. He’s that fucking villain we were always meant to see, isn’t he? Here, scheming, with his long face and Adidas tracksuit. But what’s he scheming against?

“Wait, doesn’t this invalidate your whole fucking essay?” Nope. Remember what I said about us being shown that Kamski was not born a glib liar and manipulator? That he learned that PR smile and smug way of speech? That he learned to be a Disney villain? Do you really think he would just tell the press - the cops - that yes, he has totally planned for the android revolution?

Of course he wouldn’t. But looking under the surface - he does not return to Cyberlife when the deviancy is in full crisis. If he truly believed he should be there to stop the “error”, he’d have been there, not pushing Connor to deviate instead. The “mistake” that he learned from is the FAILURE of the android revolution. He only ever returns to Cyberlife on this path where the androids fail to revolt. To “fix a mistake”.

There’s one last clue in the shit puzzle,

Connor can show empathy from day 1

Well we already know the “error” can be dormant a long time, no biggie, Connor just got Devid-38 from Daniel or something. Some other android. Maybe... Unless...

Connor-60

There’s one combination at the Cyberlife tower. Converting the androids, and getting Connor shot by Connor-60, which leads to the androids still converting with Connor-60, the machine, watching it.

He reacts quite badly to failing, for a machine, doesn’t he? Almost as if...

Deviancy is preprogrammed. And probably so is Jericho.

Remember Chloe had the key? Logically, why would she? Chloe cooould be a deviant that somehow ended up back with Kamski after she found out about Jericho, and told him about it too. Possible, but consider...: Kamski programmed Jericho location in multiple androids, knowing they would “spread it like a virus”. There was a little speech I’ll never find in a playthrough online, but in which it’s implied some androids just “knew” to head to Jericho “instinctively.” And one way to solve the puzzle in the police station is via instructions from Carlos Ortiz’s android. Who.... never left the fucking house. Plus, Kamski accounted for Cyberlife controlling Connor. I mean... He says as much. He doesn’t even hide it.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Let’s look back at the 2028 interview

Getting a little nervous there aren’t we? We ain’t never seen him fiddle with his hands anywhere else than this one question. Not in this interview, not in any other scenes with him.

Son of a bitch has one hell of a PR smile doesn’t he

and if I haven’t convinced you with my essay they admitted in some Q/A that the Kamski ending was going to be more obviously him going back to restart the android revolution. But I found that only ages after I made the connections and fell in love with the fucker.

#dbh #detroit become human #elijah kamski #long post

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theres-a-goldensky · 4 years

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BL Show Review Series - Until We Meet Again

The next show I am going to review is (spoilers) my favorite BL to date. It’s called Until We Meet Again, and it is fantastic.

Disclaimer that these are my own opinions, and I don’t know where the BL community as a whole stands on these shows. If I disliked a show you loved or visa versa, no disrespect is intended!

MASTERLIST OF BL SHOW REVIEWS

Mild Spoiler Warning and TW: brief mentions of suicide and homophobia

Until We Meet Again Rating: 9 / 10

I’ve put off writing about this show, because I’m finding it hard to articulate all of the reasons why the whole thing works so well. First of all, it needs to be said that whoever did the casting should get whatever the Thai version of an Emmy is, because every person involved in this show is so, so good. The standout, however, is Fluke as the main character, Pharm.

Fluke is, in my humble opinion, unequivocally the best actor in the Thai BL world. So much of the emotional work is done by him, in a show that is very, very emotional, and he carries the weight of the narrative really well. This man can cry on cue, and I swear he can make himself blush on cue too. You believe every second of his performance, and he makes Pharm very likable, relatable, and sympathetic without tipping over into helpless damsel territory.

Part of what makes the character so good is the quiet but firm way that he sticks up for himself. When Alex, the popular drama club president, starts to flirt with him, instead of running to Dean or meekly tolerating it, Pharm smiles politely and rejects him in a way that leaves no room for confusion. And when Dean does something that Pharm is uncomfortable with, Pharm forgives him with the gentle caveat that he never do it again. It’s said kindly, but you understand that Pharm means it, and Dean understands that too.

Anyway, that’s a hundred words just about how much I love Pharm, and we haven’t even talked about the main relationship. See, this is why I haven’t written about this show yet.

A quick overview of the show is that back in the late 80s, two university-aged men named Korn and In fell in love. However, their fathers disapproved, and Korn’s father was a mob boss who had tight control over his son. In despair, Korn kills himself and In, sick with grief, follows.

(left: Korn, right: In)

Then, cut to modern times, we meet Pharm and Dean, who we quickly understand are the reincarnations of In and Korn, respectively. It’s Pharm’s first day at university, and while he’s there doing all the introduction stuff, he meets his future best friends, Team and Manaow, and locks eyes with Dean.

Dean and Pharm both feel this connection, and their relationship is the sweetest, softest, kindest thing you will ever encounter in one of these series. Dean is a taciturn third year who is the president of the swimming club. He has plenty of female admirers, but he’s been looking for someone all his life. When he finds Pharm, he knows that his search is over. He is so gentle with Pharm, who is dealing with PTSD from In’s memories. At the same time, Dean doesn’t play any games. He makes it clear that he likes Pharm and wants Pharm to like him back. He never tries to hide his feelings with Pharm or anyone else.

(left: Dean, right: Pharm)

Ohm, who plays Dean, has less to do than Fluke, because Dean is not the primary POV character of the show, and he’s much quieter overall. But what he does well is watching Pharm and touching him like he is the most important thing in the world. He’s open with his affection and never gets hostile or aggressive the way characters often do in these stories. He’s a big guy, but he’s very kind.

Korn and In’s story is told through flashbacks that are mainly meant to mirror Dean and Pharm in the present. It’s hard to watch their happiness when we know how it’s going to end up. Earth plays In, who patiently and insistently chases after Korn. His smile is like sunlight. Seriously, he is a gift, which makes it all the harder to watch him go through so much pain. Korn is much more stoic. I think of all of the characters, he’s the one I had the hardest time connecting with. He keeps a very stern face most of the time, but by the end, it still hurts seeing him suffer.

One of the key things that makes this drama different than other BLs is that it has a genuinely compelling plot. We get to watch as Dean and Pharm navigate their new relationship while trying to piece together what is happening inside their heads. They also need to figure out how much of what they feel for each other is them and how much of it is because of Korn and In’s memories. The story went places I truly wasn’t expecting at times and kept me interested the whole way through.

The supporting characters on this show are also great. The secondary couple is Pharm’s friend Team and Dean’s friend Win. Win is the vice president of the swimming club, and Team is a junior member of the club. They immediately have that playful, fighting vibe between them that is really fun to watch.

(left: Team, right: Win)

Win’s character has lots of tattoos and piercings. He looks like a bad boy, but just like Dean, he’s actually very nice. He’s more mischievous and outgoing than Dean though. This makes him a better match for Team, who isn’t afraid to match Win’s attitude and return his teasing back at him.

Oftentimes, the secondary pairings bore me a bit, but I loved, loved, LOVED Win and Team. They are getting their own series next year, and I cannot wait for it.

Something else I want to point out about this story is that there are no Evil Female Characters. No clingy ex-girlfriends or scheming, jealous love rivals anywhere to be seen. But there ARE female characters, and they’re all great. Manaow, Pharm’s other best friend, is the main one. She’s played by Thai BL mainstay Sammy. Manaow is loud and friendly and supportive. She also gets her own boyfriend, though I wish we saw more of that relationship (give it to us in the sequel, pleassssse). Dean’s sister Del quickly joins their group of friends as well. Then there’s the less prominent members of Pharm’s cooking club. Female family members who also play big roles in the narrative.

The show isn’t without its faults. The one BLARING example that comes to mind is product placement. Until We Meet Again has the most blatant and annoying product placement I have ever seen. It almost feels like the show is stopping and having the characters give full commercials mid-episode. I refuse to mention the names of the products, but they are highlighted in a ham-handed way that is even more crass when you contrast it with the quality of the rest of the show. The worst one, by far, is at least relegated to a sort of mini-story after the episode. It involves one character encouraging another to go to the sponsored clinic and get cosmetic work done. The whole thing is not just gross but also out of character for both of them. I’ve pretty much erased it from my mind. Capitalism can burn.

The other thing is that occasionally the pacing drags a bit. I enjoyed it, but the director lingers 5-10 seconds too long on some shots, especially those involving eye contact. This is normal for BLs, but not to this extent. There’s an almost-kiss scene that drags on for nearly a FULL MINUTE in an early episode. At this point, I’ve rewatched the show so many times that I know when to hit the skip 10 secs button to move things along at a faster clip. But the first time I watched, I was like, “OK, I get it. They’re looking at each other and remembering events from their past lives. You have thoroughly conveyed this.”

But those are comparatively minor gripes and didn’t detract too much from my enjoyment. Watch this show. Have tissues ready.

And if you’re interested in fanfic, I put together rec lists for multiple BL shows including this one that can be found here and here.

MASTERLIST OF BL SHOW REVIEWS

(Send me an ask if you have a show you’d like me to review - with the understanding that I will be completely honest - or if there’s anything you think I forgot or got wrong in this review.)

#until we meet again #uwma #bl review series #ohmfluke #deanpharm #dean x pharm #bounprem #winteam #win x team #kornin #korn x in #cooheart #kao x earth #thai bl #bl recs

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acetalk · 4 years

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Silly love song

Today is the first day i open my laptop in a week. I went to visit my awful grandmother this week, spent 4h in the car and wanted to hop back in it less than 2h after the arrival... I had a lot to said after this trip but just the idea of writing some things (about racism, homophobia, politicals, money and family) makes me wanna jump from the balcony... So for today's Ace Talk, we focus on music. I like rock music, especially punk rock and electric rock, but i like pop music too, i just prefer listening to the Led Zeppelin than Sam Smith. I like to listen to various radio, to playlist that Spotify and Youtube make for me and i accept music suggestion if you want to send me something! Just please no jazz, trap and heavily repped things. But music is not always ace approved. I don't mind it coz i like music for the vibes, not for the lyrics, but sometimes some words stuck with me, some videos make me very emotional and when i investigate it more i discover lots of innuendos or heavily romantic theme that ruins it for me. I get it, this shit sells well and some songs are not about love and sex, but i still hate it when it happens. I hate it because music is a big chunk of my life and it's me that is ruining it. Words have left me, il watching the screen for 5 minutes and i can't find a conclusion. How do you deal with the unwanted feeling from music? ps: i just watched the new video from an italian band “le Vibrazioni- Per fare l’amore” And i hate it that this makes me cringe coz the lyrics summed means “make love, not war “ and that's good but still, couldn't it be "play Risiko instead of making WWIII?"

#ace pride #ace rambles #ace talks #ace problems #ace validation #asexuality #music #feelings sucks #lgbtq #happy pride 🌈#aromantic #cox romantic feelings suck more

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roseamongroses · 4 years

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W.A.L: “ Don’t Go Breaking My Heart” (11)

Summary: Eden was the lowest of the low, a monster, hardly human, and was set to be executed. Roman was on trial, perpetually stuck in time until it was time to atone for his families sins.Neither cared much for staying trapped.So when a Stranger offered freedom, offered peace, offered power, it was hard to say no.Even if it put them on the wrong side of history.

Vibes/ Tags:time is irrelevent, homophobia who?, magic and beasts, demigods

Warnings: Imprisonment, Mentions of execution, Blood/ injuries, Mentions of past Death, repression, cursing, some dissociation

Characters: Deceit(Eden) Sanders, Remy Sanders, Logan Sanders, Virgil Sanders, Patton Sanders, Roman Sanders, Emile Picani

Ship: Roceit

1) (2) (3) (4) (5)

(6) (7) (8) (9) (10) (11)

---

Eden had gotten back from his morning routine, slick with sweat and body aching as he entered the lonesome stone home. He hoped the Stranger wasn’t here yet so he could squeeze in a bath and maybe a nap--damn he needed a nap. The home was quiet, but that wasn’t new.

Eden sniffed the air, lip curling, "Dot must be experimenting with onions," he groaned, staggering into the room he shared with Roman.

Inside red hair peek out of a mountain of blankets. Eden picked his way through the new stack of books in the corner and the newest list of ingredients/ formulas to memorize.

Fun.

Eden begrudgingly checked the phone’s clock, before glancing back at the pile of blankets, “Roman…” he called, seeing the pile go deathly still.

Rolling his eyes, he approached the blankets, “Roman get up--you have lessons,” he said, yanking the blankets off, “Get up.”

“I don’t wanna,” Roman whined, curling into the pillows further, using his shawl to cover his arms, “Come back to bed--it’s too early for this.”

“No, it isn’t,” Yes, it was, “You’re being a baby--Don’t you have lessons with Dot to get ready for?” Eden scolded, mainly because if he couldn’t get a second of fucking rest no one in this house is allowed to get a second of fucking rest.

Roman rolled onto his back, propping his head up, “Dot’s not even here,” he sniffed, only mildly entertaining the idea of getting up as he only opened one eye, “She left sometime last night--the Stranger too.” his face scrunched up, "Or maybe it was this morning, there was a lot of noise..."

“They’re probably on an errand, they’ll be back soon,” Eden said, getting exasperated when Roman flopped back down to sleep, “Get. Up.”

“Fine.” Roman pouted, both eyes opening now, “Can you pick me up? The curse is still pretty strong from the last time the Stranger was here,” he sniffed, batting his eyes and everything like Eden was a fool.

Eden sighed, taking Roman’s hand and bending down. Not because he was a fool, but because Roman is persistent and it always wastes more time then it’s worth sometimes.

What made him a fool was that he didn’t see the gleam in Roman’s eye before it was too late. Roman wasn’t physically stronger then Eden by any means, but he was crafty--hooking around Eden’s legs at the exact right time to catch him off balance. Before Eden could even protest, Roman had somehow had him pinned and swallowed by a sea of blankets with some Roman feeling arms snug around Eden’s waist.

“I have work to do,” Eden complained, feeling the warmth creep up on him. Roman had him pulled tight to their chest, easily resting their chin on Eden’s head.

Eden sagged despite himself, “I’m still sweaty,” he weakly warned.

“Mmm, I don’t care,” Roman said, voice still rough from sleep, rolling pleasantly through Eden like a lullaby, “You're tired, I’m tired, let’s nap a bit.”

“They’ll be back soon and…” Eden was slurring, “...and I’m not,” he yawned, “...taking… shit from the ass for a… a…. nap.”

“If he yells at you again, I’ll handle it,” Roman said, cooly.

“I can...I can handle my….” Eden yawned again, eyes drooping close.

“I know you can,” Roman smiled, curling into Eden’s back, “I’ll wake you up in thirty,” he promised, even though Eden was already well on his way to being asleep.

---

The Stranger wasn’t surprised when he woke up in the Chambers, irritated--yes, but not surprised. He was drained of magic, his glasses were taken away, and all he could smell was the sharpness of the air and see the bleakness of the four white walls.

He’d stolen a lot of things, but this would certainly be the most consequential. Stealing a Sanders is one thing, but attempting to make the council look like the fools they are? He’d be executed, surely and he’d laugh the whole way there. But... he knew they’d gotten Dot too. She wasn’t fragile, but the last time they were in the Chambers was still fresh even though decades had passed. Even if she had agreed to get involved one last time.

The Stranger wouldn’t blame her, if she attempted to kill him again.

Dot was going to kill him, immortality be damned.

---

Eden ached as soft, slender hands carted through his hair, pulling him from sleep. The tendernesses washed over him, as the hands were oh so carefully, prodding his face--wary of the scales that marred Eden.

He could hear Roman singing that lullaby. His words a low murmur that swept the room and drew the Earth’s attention. Roman thought Eden didn’t know what the story meant, but he knew enough to know it wasn’t the nanny that sang it to Roman.

At least, not in the beginning.

While learning to shift, Eden had to get really familiar with memories and that lullaby’s memory was strong enough that you could taste it. So strong, Roman probably didn’t even know he uses his magic so sweetly when singing it. As if inviting the earth to dance, to linger, to celebrate. As is if he was inviting Eden.

It made Eden angry.

It made him… scared.

It was going to be just like before, soft hands, soft words, eyes that stung with distrust. Of accusation so frantic, it made everything afterwards a regretful blurr.

But who could blame them?

Eden did exactly what they all expected. He knew why their eyes followed him, followed his mom. If he wasn’t nothing, he was a threat. He’d inevitably be the villain. And he was--

“Eden,” Roman said curious, “You’re awake,” he laughed,“You overslept by three minutes--you’re really slacking nowadays.”

“You’re a bad influence,” Eden grumbled, sitting up, and checking the phone.

No messages, no orders.

“What other influence do I have to be?” Roman asked reclined in a manner that made it hard to forget that he’s had people feed him like that.

Roman’s hair was braided close to his head and trailed down to his shoulders. His clothes carelessly put on--shawl garishly out of place yet fitting, his crown of horns dimly glinting in the room’s low light.

Eden rolled his eyes, pulling an especially thick book out of the nearby stack to read.

“No-” Roman whined, “C’mon you get a day off and the first thing you do is more work?”

“You read for fun,” Eden said, not looking up from the page. He grimmaced and pulled out a smaller, more worn book to begin translating the garbled english and whatever the fuck that symbol was in the corner.

“It’s not the same thing,” Roman huffed, “I enjoy those. Do you honstly enjoy--” he squinted at the book’s spine, “What the fuck does that even say.”

“I have no clue.” Eden said, feeling all life drain from him.

“Okay,” Roman said, pushing the book away and planting themselves on Eden’s lap, “We’re going swimming, and you’re going to have fun.”

“Sounds fantastic,” Eden saidm dry, “What a splendid idea Roman.”

“Really?” Roman said, bright eyed as he hooked his arms around Eden’s shoulders.

“No. Not really,” Eden said, “We’re thousands of feet underground, Roman, where do you expect to find water?”

---

“He found water--he actually,” Eden gaped, before shaking his head, “He’s a demigod--of course he could.” He still had the intense need to sit down.

One couldn’t say it looked like traditional water, the water was unnaturally clear from any of the murkiness and grime found in other parts of the cave. And freed from any of the little beasts. Eden was suspicious Roman had persuaded it a bit, but it did look nice…

Roman had waded into the water, dress hiked, and… he looked back before slipping the shawl from his shoulders and setting it aside. His wings were faint shimmers molded to the arch of his spine. He tilted his head up, eyes closed, lips curved sweetly as he stretched.

“You coming?” Roman asked, giggling.

Eden sighed.

It did look nice.

---

Roman screamed as Eden snatched him by the waist, hoisting him over his shoulders and promptly dumping him in the water.

Roman sputtered, flinging his wet braids from his eyes, “Fuck you.” he growled.

An equally drenched Eden, flipped him off, “You started it.”

“I didn’t start shit,” Roman lied through his teeth. He picked at the dress, peeling the top half down to his waist, “Dot is going to kill us.”

Eden, who had long since tossed his dress, had already accepted that, “Shame,” he drawled, wadding to the rocks, “The white looked nice on you.”

“Aw, thanks I--” Roman’s voice trailed off as Eden hoisted himself onto the rocks and okay he was staring a bit. He wasn’t subtle.

“Are you objectifying me?” Eden raised an eyebrow.

“Appreciating,” Roman corrected wading to the rocks as well, “But yeah a little bit,” he leaned against the wall, looking up with a pleading expression.

Eden helped him up, “How did you ever survive without me?”

“Oh,” Roman snickered, “Only with about several hundred servants.”

“That’s horrible,” Eden groaned, “You’re a rich bastard, you know that right?”

“Oh, it’s not like I have any of that now,” Roman rolled his eyes and Eden was tempted to shove him back into the water, “The council confiscated everything, so all the watchdog’s were sent back home. They took the houses, the money, and my… family.” The playfulness was gone.

“How…” Eden leaned on Roman’s shoulder, frowning, “How old are your sisters?”

Roman seemed surprised, “Uh...the oldest one right now is 16,” he said, “The youngest three…. Father spoiled them rotten,” he grabbed for his shawl, wings disappearing again.

“That’s a pretty big age gap.”

Roman gasped, “I’m not that old,” he said shoving Eden.

“No--” Eden smiled, “I think I saw a couple of grey hairs in your comb this morning--that’s pretty old.”

“My hair’s the only thing I have going for me you bastard--You’re lying--you’re lying--” Roman stuck his fingers in his ear, “Lalalala, you’re lying.”

“My specialty,” Eden said, he narrowed his eyes searching, “Where did the phone go?” he asked, and Roman shrugged, “You’re feeling fine right? The curse isn’t any stronger than before?”

“Nope,” Roman said.

Eden frowned, “But--” he tensed, “Something isn’t right. Is anyone else down here?”

Roman closed his eyes briefly, hands on the stone, “Other then the Aleseners...no.” he said, “You don’t feel safe?”

“I,” He didn’t feel safe at all, “I’m just antsy, probably need something to do.”

“We should head back anyway,” Roman suggested, watching him carefully.

Eden nodded.

The only thing he should be worried about is explaining the missing phone to the Stranger.

---

They walked back slowly, the passage narrow, but not entirely unpleasant. Roman’s hands trailed the sides of the cave, occasionally whispering while Eden tried to salvage his dress.

Eventually the path became familiar, and Eden knew they were close to Dot’s home.

Roman had spun around at that point, “Mmm,” he wondered, “What to do next-what to do next?”

“Maybe start your lessons?” Eden suggested, already mentally preparing himself for the book from hell.

“Nah,” Roman said. Because of course, “If Dot still isn’t here I don't see a point--” He stopped abruptly, and Eden bumped into him, “Did you grow fangs? When?”

“What--” Eden’s hands flew to his mouth.

“Well damn,” Roman seemed weirdly enthralled, and Eden didn’t stop him from tilting his head up so they could get a better look, “I have a... couple of ideas we could do now--”

“You want to kiss me because of fangs, Really?”

“I was going to suggest you bite me, but I mean I’m down for that too,” Roman’s grin was sharp, as he traced the fanged points.

“What,” Eden batted Roman’s hands away, “What.”

“It isn’t like they’re going to pierce my skin or anything--” Roman shrugged, “Kissing is nice and all, but I still want to see if they’re venomous.”

“No.” Eden hissed. Partly upset because Roman’s that fucking weird and partly upset because, well are they vemous?

“To the kissing or the biting?” Roman asked, matter of fact. He was close to Eden, his skin burning and fingers still barely brushing against Eden’s chest, “Cause I don’t mind...”

“To both, ” Eden said, and Roman looked puzzled.

Eden knew it was a bad idea, but something about how careless Roman was being about it made it seem even worse, “I wouldn’t want to lead you on.”

Why doesn’t it bother Roman? Even if it wasn’t romantic, why was Roman okay with it? The idea really did make Eden sick. He wasn't sure if it was the realization that he wasn’t messing around with someone’s physical attraction but their actual feelings or that Roman was so willing to--

“It’s not that serious. It’s just--” Roman stuttered as Eden reaches up to cradle Romans face, “A bit of… fun.”

“Fun?” Eden echoed, making sure he was looking Roman dead in the eye, “You know I don’t have feelings for you, right?”

“I know.”

“Do you?” Eden asked, his fingers tracing up Roman’s face, he felt them go lax, “How far would you let me go for a little “fun” ?” he mused.

“As far as you want,” Roman said, burning underneath Eden’s hands. Vines trailing hot around his throat.

“As far as I want?” Eden repeated. He inhaled, forcing his eyes to stop slitting, —forcing himself to stop trying to remember Roman like this.

Roman nodded, small flowers popping up in his hair.

“And,” Eden let that cruel tune play again, “No strings attached, right? Your feelings don’t have to mean anything to me?” Roman didn’t respond, Eden’s hands dipping lower and lower, “Is that really what you want?”

“I’ll take whatever you’re willing to give…” Roman’s voice cracked, him tucking his face in Eden’s shoulder, “Even if… even if you don’t… I deserve it.”

“Roman,” Eden hugged them, tight, “You deserve more.” he said, “But right now, I can’t give you that,” it washed over him all at once, and it wasn’t anger, or fear, it was--“I want to, but I can’t,” he admitted, and Roman looked up startled, “If I was more selfish, I’d ask you to wait, but I won’t.”

“You want…?” Roman was crying, but his smile--that smile, “It’s not because the Stranger ordered you to?”

“No,” the truth was foreign at this point, “Surprisingly enough, I enjoy spending time with you,” he said, and Roman giggled pulling away, “Right now, let’s try being friends, alright?”

Eden could handle that for now. Eden could trust the soft words a little more, because he couldn’t stand the thought of lying about it any further. At least to Roman. He couldn’t stand the thought of Roman giving his all, only to get scraps in return.

Roman twirled his hair in his hands, eyes soft,“I like the sound of tha-” he choked on air.

“Roman!” Eden reached for him, but flinched as their head lolled revealing two blank eyes. Eden took a step back, his senses now in overdrive, trying to figure out how, when, who, but it didn’t matter. He couldn’t think fast enough. Like a plague, the white rapidly spread across Roman’s skin, painting over his freckles, painting over his smile until he was... stone.

Roman had turned to stone, right in front of him and the bitter truth, the terrible truth, the nauseatingly pitiful truth was that there was nothing Eden could’ve done to stop it. There is nothing he could do to stop it, the truth breathed into him and it was nasty.

He believed it, he didn’t care, he refused to listen.

---

“It worked?” Patton seemed surprised

“Of course it worked, I thought of it,” Logan said, even though he was surprised himself.

It was rather hard to cut off the ‘offical’ council bonding once you have it, even for a temporary amount of time. And it was dangerous if Roman found them before the curse reactivated in full.

It wasn’t one of his best plans, but it certainly wasn’t stupid.

Logan motioned for Patton to pick up the statue, the two teleporting away easily. After that Logan turned around. He adjusted his glasses, staring into the darkness, “Please don’t bother with that, I know you’re here.”

His vision--no the rocks rippled a bit. Barely a shine there, but Logan knew he had their attention,“You’re Eden, correct?” he asked, flipping through his notebook, the photograph burned into his memory, because of course it was Eden, who else could it be--

“No, I’m not,” And like that- Logan’s reality shattered.

“I took his name, his face, but I’m not him,” the darkness explained.

The ripples shine gradually took shape. What that shape was, Logan couldn’t tell. The shadows splotched with his scales. The only vaguely human thing about him were his eyes. As if reading his thoughts, their eyes slitted into a striking yellow.

A shifter-- pretty rare-- Logan assessed. It would be foolish to believe them entirely, but Logan did want some answers. His magic was pretty exhausted, so trying to contain them like Roman might prove to be troublesome. And he didn’t have the proper papers to arrest him either, nor probable cause other than his alleged association with the Stranger--but even that wasn’t completely verified or documented--

Every part of Logan said to leave him, even the logical parts. There was no civilization down here and he couldn’t get out himself, not without losing something in the process. Logan could easily leave this ghost here to die, even if he wasn’t what almost killed Virgil. It was better safe than sorry, but he knew he couldn't leave them… Dr. Picani would be upset. And he would know if Logan was lying, he always knew.

Logan pursed his lips, “What is your name, then?” he asked, even more exhausted. Dr. Picani was going to have a field day knowing that he’d have some new kid to fret over, questionable intentions or not.

The shifter smiled, “Tell me where Roman is and I might find one.”

...Interesting.

“I hardly see how that’s relevant,” Logan dismissed that thought for now, holding out a hand, “You don’t have much of a choice but to come with me. There isn’t much else down here. Your mentors have been taken into custody, and you hardly have the abilities necessary to get out of here alone. ”

The shifter glanced away, like he knew something Logan didn’t--which is a ridiculous thought, before taking his hand.

---

Eden’s eyes were piercing as he let himself be engulfed in light.

#ts sides #sanders sides #ts roman #ts deceit #roceit #sanders sides fanfiction #fanfiction #Winners Among the Losing

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mtvswatches · 5 years

Text

Wynonna Earp 2x03 Gonna Getcha Good

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Stray thoughts

1) Honestly, it’s an accomplishment to remain straight after watching this…

youtube

Also, loving Nicole’s new look, and I love the fact that they included that throwaway line in the last (or was it the first?) episode about her wanting to cut her hair.

2) Ha!!!

3) Three minutes into the episode and almost every line includes a double-entendre… or single…

4) The Sunnydale vibes are real!

5) Is Nicole going to lock horns with Wynonna over the jurisdiction over the crimes in Purgatory? She’s still pissed at being left out…

6) “Cocktail”? “Open another vein”? “Yours isn’t right”? “We need something pure”? What type of weird-ass experiment are they doing? And what do they need blood for? I don’t get it, I’m super confused!

7) Jealousy is a lovely color on you, Wynonna…

8) Yay! Jeremy is still part of the team!

9) Is this former classmate, this Perry guy, going to be somehow involved in the… OH THE FUCK, NEVER MIND

As I was writing that, he literally picked up the skinned rabbit, I hope he DIES!

10) WTF IS WRONG WITH POSSESSED WAVERLY?

11) I don’t know why I’m getting a The Dark Age/Reptile Boy/Go Fish vibe here… like, I feel the team made some type of deal or sacrifice with some demon to get that one great win, and now the demon has come collecting.

12) I really like how Wynonna is completely self-aware and acknowledges exactly what tickles her pickle…

13) Oh, can possessed Waverly eat this fucking creep, please?

14) Okay, so Nicole locked horns, but with the Earp I least expected. Wynonna pointed out how Waverly was putting everything on hold so that she could spend more time with Nicole, which is fine, but it’s a slippery slope to the type of behavior that she used to have with her boyfriend. On the other hand, Nicole takes her job very seriously, as she should, and is put off when Waverly gets in the way of her doing her job and compromises her authority. I’m still not sure how much of this is actually Waverly and how much of it is the demon influencing her somehow, or outright manipulating her. It’s not cut-clear. Does the demon or whatnot take over only when her eyes are black? Or is that just the introduction, and she remains to be possessed for a while? Or has she been possessed the entire time?

15) “Perry marked you with blood?!”

Wynonna dysfunctional self-awareness is so fresh! I love it!

16) “Boys will be boys” WTFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

Why is the sheriff so scared of the Gardners?!

17) I really love how Nicole is literally the only one who’s noticed the changes in Waverly…

Wynonna Have you noticed any like, changes in Waverly lately? (…) It's just ever since Willa was sent down, she's been acting not herself. (…) It's just, what I really love about Waverly is… it's like it's sometimes missing, you know, a sweetness. And she's become hard. Cruel, almost.

18) I’m sure this…

…had nothing to do with the fact that Perry was on a semi-date with Wynonna, right?

19) Okay, so I guessed it, more or less. The coach was tired of losing (Go Fish) so he gave his boys a spell and they summon a demon who promised to give them the best ten years of their lives in exchange of their lives or souls or something, and now it’s come collecting (Reptile Boy/The Dark Age.)

20) Awwww, Doc wants to save Dolls! He’s been trying to cook Dolls’ drugs, and now he wants to use this demon to save him somehow. If I thought I couldn’t love Doc any more, and here we are. He’s a softie!!

21) Well, at least the demon has some moral principles, it won’t tolerate any homophobia…

22) I LOVED EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS! Wynonna kicking some entitled boys’ assess?

23) She fucking thrives in chaos and I love it!

24) That freak Candyman monster better not hurt Nicole or istg!!!

25) I’m not sure I get what just happened… Perry was trying to break the spell himself, but the demon managed to overpower him, and then Wynonna pulled out Peace Maker and the demon offered to give her whatever she wanted if she spared him. I felt like she had to make a choice, but it wasn’t really clear? Let the demon live and kill Perry but ask for Dolls to be saved? And instead, she ended up wishing for the demon to get in the trophy, therefore screwing this chance to save Dolls? Did I get that right? Please let me know, because I’m a bit confused…

26) Wynonna never really leaves anything on her “what if” list, doesn’t she?

27) This was a truly nice moment…

SHERIFF: You wanna know how Purgatory really works? OK. Everyone pretends the whole goddamn town isn't overrun by demons. NICOLE: That's it? That's the big secret? SHERIFF: The people who choose to live here, they want a simple life in a small town with a shitty hockey team and a view of the Rockies. Some of us feel that that's worth ignoring the occasional mermaid poltergeist. NICOLE: OK, yeah, now I'm sure I've hit my head. SHERIFF: I sure hope not. You graduated top of your class in the big city and I need someone smart to take over when I retire. NICOLE: You want me to be Sheriff? SHERIFF: Why do you think I worked so hard to recruit you? Look, I know that Black Badge seems like a hot shit covert operation… NICOLE: And they don't have to wear khakis. SHERIFF: But who's gonna keep the drunks off the road? Who'll referee the neighbourhood feuds? Who will keep the ordinary, everyday, non-werewolf citizens of Purgatory safe, Officer Haught? NICOLE: We need more manpower, OK? And we've gotta work with BBD and stop pretending there's nothing paranormal going on around here. SHERIFF: OK. You got permission to intervene in the wacky stuff when it's necessary. The Lord knows they could use your instincts.

I really like how Nicole was working so hard to be a part of Black Badge, but now she’ll be able to make her own path. I had a feeling that the Sheriff was playing the Gardners with the whole “boys will be boys” thing, but at least now Nicole will be in the know instead of putting herself in danger unwittingly every other day. I also appreciate the fact that the Sheriff acknowledges that everyone in town does indeed know about all the supernatural stuff, but they choose to ignore. Ignorance is bliss, I guess.

And then he gave her this…

What the fuck is up with that freak and when can we kill him?

28) Well, Mercedes seems to be decent, at least. She doesn’t want her family to go against the Earps.

29) Oh, fuck, I knew that couldn’t last!

At least I can now confirm that these two things are the ones that escaped from that box at the Black Badge facilities.

30) Okay…

WAVERLY: Might help if you returned my lipstick, though. WYNONNA: I did. WAVERLY: Really? WYNONNA: I gave it to you. WAVERLY: Huh. I'll check again.

So… this means that Waverly is Waverly at times, but she can’t remember what the demon does when it takes over. But… I’m still not sure if the demon is control only when her eyes black, it seems that’s not the case. So how are we supposed to tell?

31) Like here…

That’s the demon, right? Not very conspicuous, btw. And her eyes are normal.

32) This will teach you not to judge a book by its cover, Wynonna…

DOC: Before Dolls' escape, I injected him with the last of his serum, save for one iota. My bartender here has been undertaking the challenging task of trying to reverse engineer the formula. WYNONNA: We think Boobs McSeltzer can pull this off? DOC: Her name is Rosita and she has an advanced degree in Biochemistry. WYNONNA: Oh. Well, maybe then I'll just shut up and stop being such a superficial ass.

I can’t believe that Doc, a white male COWBOY from the 1800s, is the feminist in this equation.

33) So… Dolls and Doc had arranged all of this. I guess the “tell her” message was for Rosita? Is that right? And damn, Doc is my dysfunctional turn on…

34) What the hell is she doing to Dolls?!

Damn, he screamed like a little baby! WTF!!

35) Hope you enjoyed my recap, and, as usual, if you’ve got this far, thank you for reading! If you enjoy my recaps and my blog, please consider supporting it on ko-fi.Thanks!

#Wynonna Earp #Waverly Earp #Xavier Dolls #Doc Holliday #Wynonna Earp 2x03 #WE recap #WE 2x03 #MINE

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