#AND I TRIED TO CRAFT A VERSION OF MYSELF WITHOUT WING BUT I AM NOT ME WITHOUT THEM IN MY HEART.etc etc

[parkeryangs]

thinking about cricket sherwood AGAIN and how his view of iterative personhood shapes everything he does!! because it doesn't matter until it DOES — before cicada, he's happy to lie about the fact he knows he isn't the "real" cricket, that that version of themself is probably long-dead and he doesn't care in the slightest — and after, it matters in a way he doesn't even know how to explain out loud.

they iterate a version of themself with an accent reminiscent of the red dirt in their youth, give back a name he buried a long time ago, and send them back to the valley to move on from cicada (even though they both know it's impossible) and it's at that moment i think they finally acknowledge the space between themselves now and a dozen years ago and who-knows-how-long into the future are less than they pretend to be, that every version past and present still wears a threadbare friendship bracelet and ignore the weight that carries. etc etc.

[cxhnow]

Chloe x Halle Talk Police Brutality and Postponing Their Album

“The way our music has evolved is exactly how we're evolving as young women.”

Four days before the release of their sophomore album, Ungodly Hour, Chloe x Halle addressed their fans to let them know they’re postponing it. In a video posted across their social channels, sisters Chloe, 21, and Halle Bailey, 20, sat shoulder to shoulder at their home in Los Angeles, surrounded by hovering green trees, and tried to sum up their range of emotions after witnessing a global uprising against police brutality.“In honor of all of the lives lost in police brutality, we felt like it was right to postpone, and fully shine our attention and our work on them,” Chloe said, with both a shake and clarity in her voice, in the video to the duo's 2.7 million followers. Halle added, “Music has been used for a long time to bring us joy and healing in difficult times like this.” Just weeks before, George Perry Floyd, a Black man living in Minneapolis, died in police custody while a white officer’s knee was pressed on his neck. As video of his killing spread, and after the deaths of Ahmaud Arbery and Breonna Taylor, protests sparked around the world demanding accountability and allyship with the Black Lives Matter movement. On the day Chloe, Halle, and I spoke by phone, Tony McDade, a Black trans man in Tallahassee, Florida, was fatally shot by an officer. In Los Angeles, where the sisters live, protesters strung their bodies together to temporarily shut down the 101 freeway. In Atlanta, where they were born, six police officers were charged after being accused of using excessive force on two Black college students who were tased and pulled out of their cars days earlier.During a time when fans are more critical of how celebrities engage in civil rights activism, Grammy-nominated musicians and actors Chloe and Halle Bailey don’t tiptoe. They urge fans to sign petitions, donate, vote, and recognize Black life, early and often. They celebrate Black joy year-round. This is what their followers have grown to expect from them. Chloe and Halle have always had something to say, and it just so happens to be an important time to speak up.

It’s hard to wrap your head around the unbreakable confidence it takes to be a female pop artist if you aren’t one. Thankfully, Chloe and Halle have each other. For decades, the bond among members of Black singing girl groups has given audiences soulful and fun music. In the '90s, groups like SWV, En Vogue, and Zhané made upbeat R&B music that made you want to dance with your homegirls. Now, contemporary duos like KING, Van Jess, and Ibeyi stand out for their rapturous vocals enveloped in dramatic production. Chloe x Halle add to this legacy by singing, writing, and producing ethereal music that resonates with the girl next door.Yet there are distinct differences in the duo’s vocal style; they don’t try to match each other’s voices to create some sort of uniformity. Rather, they play off of rhythm and song pacing to meld their voices. When they do sing choruses and bridges together, their voices, albeit distinct, create layered, otherworldly melodies.The duo’s sound is often described as angelic, giving leeway for some to describe them as two women without sin. Chloe and Halle want to shatter this idea because it’s not realistic. “For Ungodly Hour we were so excited to just flip the narrative of being the perfect angel and show the other side[s] of us.…," says Halle. "The dark side, the naughty side, the things that happen that you don't see behind the scenes.” 

The majority of the 13 songs on the album are about navigating messy situations — sometimes ones that you have caused. In the midst of trying to be a better friend or romantic partner, you know that you’ll always be imperfect, and decide to love yourself anyway.“I've always been a jazz head," Halle says. “I don't know why, but there's something about the pain and the love and the heartbreak that you can truly feel through the essence of those songs that are sung by Billie Holiday, Nina Simone, Ella Fitzgerald.” As of late, Chloe’s “really, really been inspired by '90s music and early 2000s production,” a vibe you can hear and see in “Do It,” the second single off of Ungodly Hour.“We wanted to show our sensual side because we are growing as young women, but we still kept it classy and cute,” Chloe says. “It was just really fun for us to do that. We also wanted to start dancing this era, and just something really simple. And it makes us so happy to see everyone doing that dance on TikTok.”Chloe expands on how the name of the album and title track came about after working with the U.K. duo Disclosure: “We wrote this song [the title track “Ungodly Hour”] with Disclosure, and we had the best time,” she recalls. “I forgot what I was watching, but I heard the phrase ‘ungodly hour’ and wrote it in my notes. [It] kind of stuck out to all of us, and we were like, ‘What can you say with this?’ We all came up with this sentence: ‘Love me at the ungodly hour,’ which means love me when I'm at my worst; love me when I'm not all dolled up and made up. Love me when all my insecurities are out on the table.”’

“We started writing about when you're in a situationship with a guy and the chemistry is there, and you know the love is there and your connection is so deep, but he's not going all in," she continues. "For some reason he doesn't want to commit. He's entertaining other options, and it's just saying, ‘You know what? I love myself enough to walk away and put the brakes on this and to pause this. So when you decide you like yourself, when you decide you need someone, when you don't have to think about it — love me at the ungodly hour.’”Other emotionally complex tracks on the album include “Forgive Me,” a haunting song inspired by Chloe’s own life, after she discovered a guy she was involved with was going back and forth between her and another young woman. “I Wonder What She Thinks of Me” is a song that tells the story of the new love, the one a man gets with after he’s broken up with his ex.The vocalists are eager to make music that grows with them and becomes more layered as they do. “The way our music has evolved is exactly how we're evolving as young women,” Chloe says. The chromelike wings they turn around and show on their album cover, worn with black, latex dresses, are symbolic of their strength and power.When I ask what they hope for in the future, the Bailey sisters seem at ease. Chloe would love to work with BTS: “They're performing — it's top-notch. I'll sit at my computer and watch all of their music videos and all of their performances.”“Awards would be nice," she adds. "Being at the top of these Hot 100 lists would be beautiful and amazing, but as long as I'm growing and I'm a better version of myself tomorrow than I was today, I am content.”

The duo is used to releasing music during times of political duress. Two years ago, when Chloe x Halle were part of our music issue for the release of their debut album The Kids Are Alright, the world was grappling with an immigration travel ban enacted by President Donald Trump, the #MeToo movement, and pressing climate change legislation. That album was an intonation from the sisters to young activists approaching human rights issues head-on: “Do it while you young. Don't let them turn you numb. Don't let them get you strung. Ooh, let me put you on,” they sing on their first album's title song.“I was 15 through 17, and Chloe was 17 through 19 during the making of the album,” Halle says of their debut project. “We were still very young. We were still trying to figure out what we wanted, and I think that showed in the music.”As artists, the singers say their first album was about proving they could play an active, hands-on role in the production of their own music in an industry dominated by men. As two teenage women, it was about showing the world that, although they didn't have all the answers and weren’t sure what was lurking around every corner, they had the guts to find out. At that point in their careers they had been signed to Beyoncé’s Parkwood for five years and had released one other project, the Sugar Symphony EP, in 2016. But aside from opening tour performances and high-profile appearances, they hadn't become household names.

Now, amid a health pandemic and a country in unrest because of its history of white supremacy, Chloe and Halle are navigating being famous and also having a distinct voice. While finding ways to take care of themselves, the sisters are also promoting an album from their home, in the rooms where they first honed their craft as writers, instrumentalists, and producers. “We've kind of gotten back to our roots and started doing what originally got us started," Halle says, "which is doing YouTube covers, interacting on social media, and connecting with our beautiful fans through there.” A lot has changed in their personal lives as well. They're private about the details, but say they’re learning more about guys and finding themselves in relationships and situationships. They’re experiencing more love, heartbreak, and the misguided antics of boys. "We have to take our power back as women and not allow ourselves to be played,” Chloe riffs.In January, the third season of their Freeform show, grown-ish, dropped. In the college-centered comedy, led by Yara Shahidi, Chloe plays Jazz and Halle plays Sky, ambitious twin sisters who attend the fictional state school Cal U. Jazz is balancing being in love with her boyfriend Doug (played by Diggy Simmons) and schoolwork; Sky is focused on being a track star while navigating her interracial relationship. Like the sisters in real life, their characters are witty, impeccably stylish, and proud of their Blackness. But unlike Chloe and Halle, they’re far more overt about their love lives — often kissing in hallways and openly discussing their sex lives — and unfiltered opinions.Before stay-at-home orders went into place, Chloe and Halle had been expanding farther into Hollywood, and pursuing separate film projects.In July 2019, it was announced that Halle is set to play Ariel in the live-action The Little Mermaid. Many saw Halle’s breakout feature-film role as a huge win for inclusion, but, like clockwork, people on social media found an issue with the revamped iteration of Ariel being played by a Black woman. Halle spoke out on the discourse, telling Variety at the time, “I feel like I’m dreaming, and I’m just grateful. I don’t pay attention to the negativity. I just feel like this role is something bigger than me. It’s going to be beautiful.”

Halle remains grateful, but says of the negative criticism, “We've always learned to just keep our heads up no matter the situation. No matter what anybody has to say about you...just keep pushing.”

Like Halle, Chloe is also expanding her acting chops in feature projects. In December, Chloe wrapped filming for her role in the horror film The Georgetown Project, starring Russell Crowe and Ryan Simpkins. “I'm really protective of my energy, I'm very spiritual, and I love God,” she says about the thriller. “So I was constantly praying when I was on set. But surprisingly, the energy on set was so positive. And I learned so much by being around all of these Oscar-winning actors.”

Humility is a running trait between the sisters. They don’t hide their confidence, but are also God-fearing and incredibly gracious. They’re media-trained and polite, but also find a way to be frank. They say this album is a “whole different world” for them as they reveal more of their personalities, while exploring what it means to be grown women.

“We are learning to embrace who we truly are,” Chloe says about their music evolution. “Our insecurities, our sexuality, owning our power. I'm grateful that we are given a space where we can do that comfortably. And I'm grateful for our parents, because they instilled in us that we need to be strong and independent young women.”

[recurring-polynya]

Hello! I have forgotten my tumblr login, but I am shai from AO3 and I just want to say that the Abhorsen books are very dear to my heart and I am THRILLED at idly wandering tumblr and seeing you're writing a Bleach AU set in that world. (Are the Kuchikis the Abhorsens? Is there a Mogget equivalent and is it Yoruichi? Is Karakura in Ancelstierre? I can't map the two settings together at alllll in my head on first glance but I'm super curious how you will!)

First of all, I am beyond excited that anyone actually cares about this project. I was going to try to explain it, but honestly, it’s not that long and, uh, maybe I should just post it. So, here’s the shorty version, where I cut it off at the Dramatic Drabble Point. I have more, but it starts to meander into an actual plot, where the plot is just the final confrontation at the end of Sabriel. I honestly just wanted to write Renji as part of the Crossing Guard Scouts?? I might expand this (how much? as much as I feel like?) after I re-read Sabriel. My husband has been reading the books to my son, and I catch snatches of it and it’s got me In the Mood, but I found myself forgetting way too much. 

Dear everyone else: I refuse to explain any of this. The Abhorsen books are the shit, just go read them. If you love Rukia as a character, you will love Sabriel. The two of them, along with Susan Sto Helit and Death of the Endless are the fictional pragmatic death girls of my heart, if I *ever* write an actual book, it will almost surely be about a pragmatic death girl.

Anyway, here it is, The Worst Charter Mage in Ancelstierre.

“All that stuff Colonel Zaraki said… about a soldier’s intuition an’ stuff… that was just made up, right? To scare us? Us, uh, new guys, I mean, you never get scared, right Renji?” 

Captain Abarai Renji of the Northern Perimeter Reconnaissance Unit, or the Crossing Point Scouts, as they were often known, stared out into the foggy dusk. His skin itched. His ears strained to hear the unearthly whistling of the wind flutes, which as far as he knew, none of the other scouts could hear. He could usually hear them, but not tonight. “Stop cleaning that damn firearm Yuki,” he grumbled without turning around. “Check your sword fittings instead.”

Lance Corporal Yuki Rikichi, having been stationed on the Perimeter for all of two months, very slowly started reassembling his pistol. “I’m not great with swords,” he admitted.

“Wind’s from the north,” Renji grunted. “Guns ain’t much good.”

“That’s just stories, though, right?”

“Nope,” Renji replied, squinting at a dark shape winging through the sky. It looked a bit like the airplanes he had seen when we went South for officer training, but it was too small, too silent, and besides, shit like that didn’t work past the Wall. He groped for his spyglass. “You think you can do that protection charm I been teaching you?”

“Yeah, I’ve practiced and practiced!” Rikichi bubbled eagerly.

Renji frowned, trying to focus the spyglass. If tonight was going to go as badly as his skin was crawling, that protection charm was going to do about as much good against the Dead as Rikichi hurling his useless gun at them. “Fuck,” he muttered. “That’s a someone.” 

“A what?” Rikichi echoed. 

“We got visitors,” Renji repeated, standing and checking the sword strapped his hip. “You go tell the Colonel, I’ll give ‘em the ol’ Crossing Scout welcome.”

“I can’t leave you alone!” Rikichi yelped. “Look, I’ll just radio him.”

“You’re welcome to try,” Renji shrugged, making his way down the stone staircase of the watchtower, knowing that piece of Ancelstierran junk would give nothing but static until the wind changed.

As Renji watched the strange craft circle down toward the ground, he tried to pull together the Charter Marks for a Major Blessing. It wasn’t a hard spell, and it would protect him from the Lesser Dead, maybe even a weak Free Magic Creature. As usual, the marks weren’t behaving, and he finally gave up. He didn’t know why he had such a hard time casting spells. None of the books he read ever described Charter Marks as elusive or mischievous. Was it like this for all Charter Mages? Maybe if he ever met another one, he could ask them. He was going to have to rely on his sword arm instead. Fortunately, his sword arm was pretty fucking reliable. 

The craft had settled in the tall grass, and two figures were getting out. It looked remarkably like an airplane, except that it appeared to be made of paper, painted in cheerful blue and silver. It was powered by Charter Magic, Renji had heard the pilot whistling Charter Marks as they brought the thing to the ground. Pretty nifty trick, to be honest. Must be from deep in the Old Kingdom, where they still taught the old magic. Renji himself had been born just a few miles from the Wall, lived in that shitty border town until he was sixteen. He’d come south thinking he never wanted to see a Charter Stone again, but somehow, he’d never made it much further south than the Perimeter, not for long anyway. It was fine. He was useful here. 

Renji gripped his sword with one hand. They looked and felt like people, but Free Magic Creatures could be tricksy. “Halt!” he shouted. “Who goes there? This is not a legal crossing point! What is your name? What is your business?”

The taller of the two figures, clad in a red and gold helmet and a red cloak, leaned down and said something to the much smaller figure, the pilot, who was dressed in blue and silver. The pilot elbowed the other in the ribs and then announced in a voice that rang with authority, “I am the Abhorsen and if you don’t help me, this gate is going to fall before dawn!”

Renji drew his sword. “I’ve met the Abhorsen!” he shouted. “You sure don’t look like that tall, pretty bastard to me!”

The pilot, who had been slowly approaching him, froze in her tracks. “That… was my brother-in-law,” she bit off. “How did you know him? He never came this far south.” She was silent for a moment before adding tentatively, “Also, he wasn’t the Abhorsen, although sometimes he let people believe he was.”

Renji’s fingers twitched on his sword grip. No. It couldn’t be. It was impossible. The voice was different, huskier, more mature, but then, it had been twelve years, she wasn’t a girl anymore. Not that she’d grown much. “I am simply returning her to her family,” that pale, flash prat had said, as he pulled her up onto the horse behind him, and rode away with the one person who gave Renji’s life any meaning or purpose. “Not one step further,” he shouted, since he didn’t think he could keep his voice steady any other way. “I don’t care if you’re the bloody Queen of the Old Kingdom herself!”

Something was happening with the taller of two visitors. Dark red energy, nearly black was crackling around his fists, the ozone smell of Free Magic permeating the air. Renji tried again to pull a Mark from the Charter, and this time one came easily, and he felt an invisible barrier thrum into place before him. It was no diamond of protection, but it should be enough to fend of some upstart teen.

“Cool it, you moron!” the pilot yelled at the youth. “The Scouts are good people, they just get hung up on procedure. Also… I… might know this guy.” She reached up and hooked a finger over the scarf wrapped over her face and pulled it down, tucking it under her chin. “Abarai Renji? ‘Zat you?”

“Rukia…” Renji murmured just as there was a clatter of boots on bitumen behind him. 

“WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE?” a familiar voice bellowed. “Abarai, you got your sword out and there ain’t no blood on it, what’s going on?”

“Says she’s the Abhorsen, sir,” Renji reported, adjusting his sword stance but not relaxing. “Don’t look like the Abhorsen I remember.”

Colonel Zaraki strode through the company of men who had accompanied him, towering, helmetless, his hawklike nose catching the setting sun. He surveyed the young woman standing before.

“The wall is going to be attacked, tonight!” she shouted. “A massive army of the Dead, led by a necromancer who is himself one of the Greater Undead!  Are you the commanding officer of this garrison?”

“Abhorsen came through here in ‘87,” Zaraki grunted. “Clever woman. After the fuckers down south stopped letting us move the gate every few months, all the deaths at the crossing point would build up, cause spontaneous risings. She carved us those wind flutes to keep the Dead down.” He surveyed the woman, dressed in a blue and silver tabard over silver chain. Her dark, short-cropped hair, the stunning indigo eyes Renji would never, ever forget. “Looked a lot like you. Your mother?”

“Sister,” Rukia corrected. It was Rukia, Renji was sure of it now. Of course she hadn’t been taken away to be a noble, she’d been taken away to be the fucking Abhorsen. Of course she had.

“If you’re the Abhorsen now, that means–”

“She went into Death four days ago. She’s holding out, but she’s been there too long, she can’t come back. At the full of the moon, the wind flutes will fail.”

“That the new Abhorsen-in-Waiting, then?”

Rukia’s eyes darted to the youth at her side and back again. “Maybe. This is Kurosaki. He is what he is.”

“Yo,” Kurosaki waved, seemingly unconcerned by any of this.

Zaraki jerked his chin at Renji. “Stand down, Captain. You been on the Wall too long to be this twitchy.”

“Don’t trust people who ‘are what they are’,” Renji replied. “Sounds to me like something a Free Magic Construct would say.” He sheathed his sword, but didn’t release the Charter Mark.

“He’s a lot of things, but he’s not a Free Magic Construct,” Rukia rolled her eyes.

“I’m standin’ right here, y’know!” Kurosaki protested.

“What do you need, Abhorsen?” Zaraki asked.

Renji glanced at him, surprised. He’d served under the man for over a decade, and he’d never seen him act this respectfully to anyone, including his own COs.

“I need every Charter Mage you’ve got,” Rukia barked. “Aizen has hidden his body in Ancelstierre, a few miles from here. We need to destroy it, but it’s going to take a ton of power to destroy something that powerful.”

Zaraki scratched his ass thoughtfully. “You may not realize, ma’am, but we don’t get a whole lot of Charter Mages this far south. My boys, though, have got swords like you’ve never seen. Zaraki’s Company can cut through anything, living, Dead, or in-between.”

“That’s very nice,” Rukia bit off, “because they are going to have an awful lot of things to stab in just a few hours. But I need Charter Mages. I don’t care if there aren’t many. Please. Give me what you have.”

Zaraki took a deep, resigned breath through his nose. “Well. You heard the lady, Abarai. Take that fucking apprentice the boys down south sent you, too. You managed to teach him anything yet?”

“Not… much…” Renji admitted, stunned.

“What, what?” Kurosaki exploded. “You’ve only got a single Charter Mage?”

“He’s terrible, also,” Zaraki added. “Worst Charter Mage I’ve ever seen, aside from the apprentice. Good with a sword, though, one of the best in the company to be honest.”

“Thanks for the vote of confidence, sir,” Renji grouched. Suddenly, he realized that Rukia was looking at him, and he felt like he was eleven years old again, meeting her for the first time, being judged by those eyes and, inexplicably, being found worthy. “I’ll go. At your service. Abhorsen.”

[dieviskais]

and i oop

so  i’m  gonna  take  a  moment  to  gush  about  silver   &   just  some  personal  stuff   ,   because  i  probably  won’t  be  able  to  write  any  of  my  replies.   silver  is  my  favorite  sonic  character   &   so  it  really  does  put  a  smile  on  my  face  whenever  you  say  you  guys  like  my  portrayal  of  him   !   i’ve  spent  months   &   months  working  on  him   <3   !   &   in  advance   ,   i  apologize  for  the  lack  of  writing   &   continuously  asking  for  opinions  on  my  portrayal  without  doing  much  fdkslajfkdsf

i  was  so  worried  to  begin  silver’s  blog.   when  i  first  came  to  the  sonic  rpc  a  year  ago   ,   i  wasn’t  all  that  confident.   i  made  gadget’s  blog  first  as  a  fail  safe  to  be  honest.   i  liked  his  design   &   considering  he  was  a  blank  slate  character   ,   i  had  free  reign.   for  months  i  kept  thinking   &   pondering   &   working  on  his  character   &   tried  to  sculpt  something  special   &   unique  for  everyone  to  enjoy.   it  wasn’t  until  i finally  started  being  comfortable  with  writing  gadget  did  i  think  to  myself   ,   you  know  there  isn’t  that  many  active  silver  blogs.   which  is  where  the  start  of  my  original  silver  blog  began.

suffice  it  to  say   ,   i  felt  out  of  place.   my  only  experience  with  sonic  was  a  couple  of  spin  off  games  like  sonic  fighters   &   the  like   ,   &   sonic  06  being  the  only  games  i’ve  really  known.   at  the  time   ,   nintendo   &   pokemon  in  specific  really  consumed  all  my  interests.   still   ,   despite  06′s  flaws  i  stilled  loved  it   &   i  really  loved  silver   !   which   ,   is  why  i  was  scared  to  write  silver  in  the  first  place.   not  only  has  silver  himself  in  recent  years  been  watered  down  to  uwu  baby   &   incompetent  without  someone  there  to  hold  his  hand   ,   but  a  lot  of  what  i  saw  from  the  fandom  also  adopted  that  mindset  for  silver.   which   ,   sucked  for  me   ,   because  i  loved  06′s  version  of  silver  a  lot.   i  remember  when  i  was  first  writing  him   &   all   ,   even  though  i  had  these  headcanons   &   this  about  page  detailing  all  this  different  stuff  about  him   ,   it  felt  like  in  my  own  writing  i  was  just  selling  myself  out   &   writing  him  like  the  baby  the  fandom  wanted  out  of  him.   it  was  really  rough   &   tiring.   it  wasn’t  until  around  the  time  i  made  his  second  blog  did  i  really  break  away  from  that   &   portraying  him  how  i  wanted  to.   which   ,   even  then  i  still  wasn’t  all  that  free   &   felt  like  i  was  holding  myself  back   ,   but...

with  my  return  to  the  sonic  rpc  after  months  of  mia   ,   here  i  am  with  my  own  portrayal  of  silver.   something  inspired  from  06   ,   but  something  unique   &   special  to  me.   giving  him  layers  upon  layers  upon  layers   &   fleshing  out  his  character  in  a  different  perspective.   as  well  as  just  taking  his  character   &   pushing  it  further  to  add  an  even  more  interesting  take   ,   the  concept  of  silver  being  this  time  deity.   while  i  may  not  be  the  most  super  active  writer   ,   please  know  that  i’m  super  ecstatic  with  writing  silver.   his  aesthetics   &   overall  character  fits  nicely  together  with  my  style  of  writing   &   it  makes  me  super  happy.   while  it’s  always  a  bit  of  a  hassle  to  reply  to  things  due  to  me  being  specific  with  my  writing   ,   being  able  to  writing  not  just  his  aesthetic   ,   but  whole  surreal  vibe  as  a  whole   ?   it’s  a  wonderful  experience  to  say  the  least.

there’s  so  much  to  my  silver   &   it’s  fun  to  just  write  it  out.   even  if  it’s  only  ever  just  tiny  bits   &   pieces  in  my  writing   ,   just  being  able  to  read  through  some  of  my  old  writing   &   seeing  all  the  little  sprinkles  of  who  he  is  just  makes  me   :).   in  his  presence   ,   there’s  an  odd  feeling  of  tension   (   but  nothing  too  drastic   ,    but  it’s  there.   something  just  underneath  the  surface   ).   his  psychokinesis  gives  him  this  aura  that  simply  makes  it  known   ,   he’s  here.   it’s  unsettling   ,   because  compared  to  the  peaceful  presence  that  he  gives  off  in  his  voice   &   dialogue.   sometimes  he  says  things  that  are  vague  or  something  is  just  a  little  off   ,   but  there’s  always  that  small  smile  on  his  face   ,   that  tired  look  in  his  eyes   ,   there’s  always  that  peaceful  tone  in  his  voice.   he’s  patient   &   calming   (   but  his  eyes  are  always  looking  into  the  distance   ,   his  eyes  are  always  lonely   ).

but  what’s  off  putting   ,   is  that  he  knows  something  you  don’t.   what  gives  him  weird  vibes  is  that  when  he  talks  to  you   ,   there’s  a  look  in  his  eyes  that  says  i’ve  accepted  your  death.   what’s  strange  is  that  he  always  seems  to  come  around  when  it’s  a  little  too  convenient  for  him.   like  he  already  knew  where  you’d  be   ,   where  you’re  going   &   what  you’re  doing.   yet  he  simply  acts  like  he  hasn’t  got  a  clue.

upon  all  of  that   ,   he’s  still  silver.   he’s  still  that  last  bit  of  hope  a  world  on  fire  still  left.   he’s  the  remains  of  a  desolate  land   &   he’s  the  survivor  of  a  bleak  future.   he  still  seeks  his  own  justice   &   every  once  in  a  while  there’s  still  a  glint  of  hope  in  his  eyes   (   like  he’s  a  torch  just  barely  lit   /   but  the  fire  still  blazes  no  matter  how  small  it  is   ).   he’s  still  just  a  bit  playful   &   warm   &   despite  everything  that  he’s  been through   ,   he’s  still  himself.   

yet  there’s  something  that  hides  in  the  shadow  of  his  smile   ,   on  the  tips  of  his  quills   &   fur.   an  anger   &   frustration  that  resides  in  him.   he  was  just  a  child  when  the  fate  of  the  world  was  burned  into  the  palms  of  his  hand.   he  was  a  child  when  he  had  to  learn  to  fend  for  himself.   he  was  still  an  innocent  youth  when  his  angel  wings  were  torn  off  his  body.   his  childhood  is  in  the  ashes  of  the  flames  he  constantly  had  to  extinguish  every  day.   the  smell  of  something  burning  reminds  him  of  home   (   but  it  was  never  home   ).   he’s  not  free   ,   his  wrists   &   ankles  are  cuffed   ,   he’s  a  prisoner  of  fate.   no  matter  what  he  can’t  seem  to  save  his  world   &   it  frustrates  him.   his  entire  life  all  he  ever  did  was  try  saving  this  world   &   it  always  ends  in  disaster.   &   in  his  frustration   ,   he  constantly  goes  back  in  time  to  destroy  his  decaying  world  himself.   leaving  nothing  in  his  path   ,   until  he  tires  himself  out.

&   he  repeats  the  cycle.

since  silver  has  repeated  these  timelines  over   &   over  again   ,   he’s  gotten  lost  with  his  path.   like  he’s  simply  a  ghost  in  time.   he’s  not  tangible  with  the  worlds  he  sees  before  him.   he  constantly  tells  himself  that  he’s  not  apart  of  their  life.   it’s  why  it’s  difficult  to  get  close  to  him.   even  when  you  think  that  you  are  getting  close   ,   there’s  still  a  billion  more  layers  guarding  his  heart.   he  holds  a  heavy  burden   ,   that  he  can’t  simply  find  himself  getting  comfortable  with  letting  anyone  get  close  to  him.   despite  how  touch  starved  he  is   ,   he  continues  to  ache   &   keep  to  himself.   burning  the  bridges  before  they  can  cross   (   because  all  he  knows  is  to  burn   /   destroy   ).

but  enough  about  that   ,   i  can  go  on   &   on   ,   but    !   i  really  just  want  to  say  how  happy  it  makes  me  to  anyone  that  would  take  the  time  to  read  my  ramblings  at  all   :’)   !   i’m  constantly  thinking  about  silver   &   my  other  muses   &   i  really  put  a  lot  of  heart  into  creating  a  unique   &   fun  muse  to  write  with   !   as  well  as  making  sure  that  he  feels  real   &   consistent  to  how  i  want  to  portray  him.   all  while  crafting  it  all  into  this  very  extra   &   pretty  imagery  in  my  own  writing  style   !   it  means  a  lot  when  i  hear  that  you  guys  enjoy  him   &   i  want  all  my  mutuals  to  know  i appreciate  you  all  as  well   !   &   i’m  just  as  excited  to  keep  working  on  silver   &   hopefully  staying  for  as  long  as  i  can   <3   !

[cameoamalthea]

What is Jester’s Relationship with the Traveler, and is it Healthy?

TLDR: Sorry this is long, I’ll put this at the top. They are best friends, he’s not a father figure, he’s her best friend and maybe idealized crush. He did not groom her. He did not gaslight her. He failed to communicate, failed to take responsibility for the pain that lack of communication caused her, did not actually apologize, and for many, many reasons, they do not have a healthy relationship.

I noticed the chat during C2E103 seemed split between describing Artagan as either gaslighting/abusive “boyfriend” or narcissistic “father figure”. Since Boyfriend and Father are two VERY different things, the first question is: 

What exactly Jester’s relationship with the Traveler?

The Traveler is her best friend. While some viewers have described Artagan as Jester’s Father figure because she grew up without a Father, the text does not support that interpretation. 

Jester first describes the Traveler in C2E08 she says, “I mean, yeah, sure. I worship him, sure. He’s more like my best friend.” Later, in that same episode, she prays to him because she misses him and worries he might not like her now that she has new friends, “I want you to know that you’re still my best friend and if you want me to be alone I will be if that means that you’ll be here.” The text is explicit that she sees him as her ‘best friend.’ 

Then in C2E17 we get this scene:

LAURA: I take a bite of my caramel apple, and I go walking down.

MATT: You hear a crunch sound and your hand shakes for a second and you look down and a mysterious secondary bite was taken out of the apple.

LAURA: (gasp) I lick the spot.

(groaning)

SAM: You’re making out with your god? Gross.

MATT: They have a special relationship.

Jester licking the spot where the Traveler took a bite of her apple seems like she’s attempting an indirect kiss.. Sam picks up on that, questioning if Jester makes out with The Traveler. Matt comments they have a special relationship. (This scene is already pretty creepy, you guys, but it would be a MILLION times creepier if she thought of him as a father figure.) 

In C2E42, Jester talks to the Traveler about her crush on Fjord. “Traveler, how do I make a boy like me?” After the Traveler offers some advice, Jester asks, “You’re not jealous, are you?” And after the Traveler says he’s not, Jester still tells him, “You’ll always be my number one love.” This exchange adds credence to the reading that the Traveler is not only Jester’s best friend but, like Fjord, a romanticized crush. Her best friend, her number one love.

In C2E56 we learn that Jester first met the Traveler 15 years ago. “He was, you know, like my age when he came to see me, and then we hung out and we were like best friends hanging out for a long time” The Traveler was not an adult male ‘father figure’ to Jester as she was growing up. He was another child her own age. In conclusion, to Jester the Traveler is her best friend who grew up with her. 

2) The next question: Is this relationship healthy?

NO, it’s NOT

During the Traveler’s first on-screen conversation with Jester in C2E09 Matt gives the following description. “There in the dark space of the hood, you can see the familiar verdant irises looking back, and the warmth fills you once more, the comfort that kept you comfortable so many years alone in that room.”

Jester grew up, for years, alone in a room. That is not healthy because children need socialization. They need to be around other people, including other children. Jester’s Mother loves her, but keeping her isolated like that was not healthy. 

She needed a friend and the Traveler gave her that. The issue is, children need more than one friend. Jester’s only relationships growing up were with her Mother and with the Traveler. From childhood to her early twenties she’s only had two people in her life, and the Traveler and her Mother. He’s her only friend. It’s no wonder Jester is attached to the Traveler and insecure in her relationship when it changes.

Once Jester begins adventuring, he is not there with her constantly. In C2E8 she worries that he might be upset that she has other friends now and tries to assure him she’s still his best friend, even offering to be alone again if that would make him come back.

That is not a healthy attachment. Note, the Traveler does not ask her to leave her friends or put him first. He comes to her later that night to assure her that he’s with her. In Episode C2E09 when Jester is upset because she hasn’t received a care package from her Mother. The Traveler tells her that her mother doesn’t know she’s here yet, but comforts her by reminding Jester that she has her friends.

The Traveler wants Jester to have friends. Her insecurity in the relationship does not seem to come from him. Jester is insecure because she’s only had two people matter in her life, and her Mother just asked her to leave because she couldn’t protect anymore. The fact that Jester is anxious when the package doesn’t arrive because Beau is skeptical about it is telling. Jester knows her Mother, the Mighty Nein do not, but their doubt that Jester has a Mother who cares and will send her money is enough to get under Jester’s skin.  She hasn’t had enough secure relationships to feel confident in the relationships she has, and that’s not healthy. 

As for the Traveler, I have seen some argue that he “groomed” Jester. Grooming is a term coined to describe predatory behavior by child molesters and sexual abusers: “Grooming is a process used by people with a sexual interest in children to prepare a child for sexual abuse. It is often very carefully planned and it can take place over weeks, months or even years.” (source) 

As Jester is not a survivor of child sexual abuse, it is likely that people using this term to describe “a predatory tactic that is meant to build a deep emotional connection” (source) that the traveler used to manipulate Jester. 

Except, that Traveler is not someone who has a plan, especially not a detailed, drawn-out plan required to groom Jester into starting a cult to gain power. Such a scenario would also require a lot of steps and for factors outside his control to go right. 1. Find an isolated child. 2. Hope she stays that way and that her mother doesn’t send her to boarding school or something. 3. Appear as a child and keep up the act to become childhood best friends 4. Hope she jumps to the conclusion you’re a god without you ever telling her that 5. wait for her to grow up and become your cleric. 6. Hope that her belief will give you divine powers 7...profit?

That scenario is giving Artagan way too much credit. He doesn’t like work or responsibility. He does not think about what he’s doing or the consequences. He is not capable of patiently crafting a decades-long scheme, he’d get bored way too fast.

More likely this happened one, not so well thought out choice, at a time. In C2E94 the Traveler explains, “I am the Traveler, but it was not always this way, for when I traveled here, it was a world before me where I was without burdens, without responsibilities... amusing myself by leaping into every whim with glee and purpose. And one day, I met a little girl...This little girl and I found a kinship….and she saw me as a god. So for her-- for you-- I donned the mask of one.”  The Traveler further clarifies, “I didn't intend for this to be what it was”(C2E95). 

The Traveler, on a whim, decides to make a little girl happy. What does she want? A friend? He can’t create a friend for her or change her circumstances short of kidnapping her, so he polymorphs himself into a child her age and becomes her friend. 

In C2E95 the Mighty Nien postulate that he took on an appearance to get close to her.

YASHA: So he, but he wasn't a real little kid when he met you, that's how he befriended you.

FJORD: He made himself appear that way.

Which, if true, would be creepy. However, given the Traveler does not have a motive or want anything from Jester, it’s likely Artagan polymorphed himself and body and mind became a mortal child. (my guess is a younger version of the half-elf Keelyn that he based on Keyleth) He’s an immutable immortal being, impossibly ancient and eternally young, he’s never been a child or grown-up before, and it might be fun. 

That is the sort of ‘on a whim’ thing that tracks what we know about Artagan from campaign one. A twink in leather says I can’t die; his response is ok I want to try killing you then. Why? He’s never done that before and wants a new experience. He lives for new experiences and probably really enjoyed being a child and growing up with a best friend. 

Then when Jester started to see him a god, he became that because he doesn’t want to disappoint her. That isn’t healthy either. Relationships based on trying to be what you think the other person wants instead of hoping someone likes you for you don’t work out. If he had been honest, I’m sure Jester would have been happy to have Artagan the Archfey as a friend and would have been thrilled with her cool Warlock powers if he offered them. He does not want to risk disappointing Jester with the truth. When he does reveal the truth, and Jester asks if they’ll still be friends, his answer is, “If you'll have me." (C2E95).While this wording may simply suggest he's carefree and not possessive, it implies that he did not know if Jester would still want to be his friend.

Having godly powers also lets him give Jester abilities that help her. When Jester asks if she can contact her Mother in C2E09 he responds, “I think the more deeds you do, the more lives you change, the more confident brats you break-- She'll find you”. He wants her to grow his faith to become powerful enough to learn the spell sending and talk to her mom whenever she wants. 

However, growing in power means he is stretched thin. “While such faith granted me power beyond what I thought possible to achieve, I was being spread too thin across those who I'd taken under my wing. I thought to bring them all together, to unify their causes and perhaps forge a community under this banner, my banner, our banner.” He devises the plan for Traveler Con after slavers kidnapped Jester while he wasn’t looking. Part of his motivation likely is to find a way to manage his followers so he can be free to be there for Jester.

It likely the Traveler has never had a friend before either. He describes his past and his experience with gaining followers as “Eons of living for only myself, I found a new joy in helping others” (C2E94). Jester was his forest experience with caring about another person.  Neither Jester nor the Traveler had other friends. They grew up together with only each other. Then Jester went off into the world as an adult, made other friends and he tried to be what she wanted and still wants to be her friend but he does not know how to be a good friend. 

That does not mean their relationship is abusive. Many point to the conversation in C2E103 as evidence that Artagan is gaslighting Jester, but that is arguably not the case .Gaslighting means “to manipulate (someone) by psychological means into questioning their own sanity” (source) Gaslighting goes beyond failing to validate someone’s feelings “I’m sorry you feel that way” to actively invalidating their feelings e.g. ‘Why do you feel that way, you have no reason to’. The phrase “I’m sorry you feel that way” is known as a “non-apology apology”. Such phrasing can be used to gaslight as it “may imply the person took offense for hypersensitive or irrational reasons.” (Id.) 

However, a non-apology in personal relationships is not always gaslighting. “Statements that use the word "sorry" but do not express responsibility for wrongdoing may be meaningful expressions of regret. But such statements can also be used to elicit forgiveness without acknowledging fault.” (Id. Emphasis Added).

Not taking responsibility for how your actions impact others is manipulative, wanting forgiveness without accepting fault and realizing what you did wrong so that you won’t do it again. Artagan is ABSOLUTELY an irresponsible person. He hates responsibility and is actively working on getting out of his responsibilities (which is ironic, working to avoid work). He has never had to take responsibility for anything, even feeling regret may well be against his nature as a fey. 

That’s not healthy. Artagan should have taken responsibility. Because it doesn’t matter that he did not mean to scare Jester, he did scare her. He scared her so much that he brought her to tears. When Artagan realizes he’s upset her he says:

“Please don’t ever think I’m not looking out for your best interests.” 

“Oh dear thing, I don’t mean to put you through this.”

“I’m sorry if you felt abandoned.”

This phrasing is not taking responsibility. He did put Jester through this and it hurt her, he did leave her in a situation where she feared he would abandon her and doubted if he was looking out for her best interests because he did not communicate. 

That said, the conversation does not cross into gas-lighting because he does not invalidate the way Jester feels. On the contrary, he validates her by saying, “You’re right, I should have been a little more forthright with you with information.” 

This belated realization does not change the fact he put Jester in danger without her informed consent, and she calls him on it, screaming that she’s there for extra days, meaning more danger, because he did not warn her. When she realizes she’s yelling at him, she apologizes, but he says, “It’s alright.” He does not invalidate that she’s upset or question her yelling at him. Instead he focuses on addressing what’s upsetting her i.e. fear of losing her memory and being left on an island enslaved to a monster, reiterating “I would have come back.”  And Jester knows it’s the truth because he has promised her to come back and in this fantasy fey rules context, that means he cannot break his word. 

Making that promise is taking action to address her concerns. Not only does Artagan validate her feelings, but he also takes active steps to address her fears by giving her what she needs, clearly communicated assurance. Again, this is a Binding Promise, a fey promise is like a devil’s contract, it’s deep unbreakable magic and not something a fey would give for nothing, but he does, freely, because he recognizes that she needs assurance that he will look out for her. 

Note: In real life, promising is not enough because actions show change. It is important to remember that abusers aren’t 100% awful all the time. Abuse is often followed by a honeymoon period. If someone hurts you saying you need more than words, you need demonstrated change beyond the honeymoon period. However, in the context of analyzing this scene, Artagan making a promise is itself an action taken. 

He has a long way to be a good friend and what he did was wrong and his initial responses do not take responsibility. That is a red flag. An actual apology would have been:

“I did not plan to leave you here. I always try to look out for your best interests. I’m sorry I was not more forthright with you with information and put you in a frightening situation. I’m sorry for scaring you. I’m sorry for hurting you. I’m sorry I have not been there for you in the way you need.”

And while he did take responsibility and acknowledge what he did wrong, he didn’t accompany that with an I’m sorry.  To me, that comes down more on the side of flawed character rather than an irredeemable gaslighting abuser.  Admitting you were wrong and the other person is right is the opposite of gaslighting and Artagan did that. 

That does not mean this relationship is Healthy. In terms of being a friend, Artagan has no experience, and the fact he’s a fey makes him a very bad choice of friend. If you’re of a kind where vows are binding learning to speak open and honestly might be a challenge. Fey also lack empathy so he will have to rely on Jester to tell her why she’s upset and to set boundaries. Communication, setting boundaries, interpersonal-effectiveness, in general, is a skill, and Jester never had many friends, so she’s still learning too. 

[drainflyclub]

The Limp of Corrupted Feet

I’m sitting on a wall. There is birdshit right next to me, cigarettes and gum stains all over the ground. A pigeon is at my feet, ignoring me, pecking for food. It’s feet are covered in yellow, twisting tumours, and it pathetically hops on its stumps, flapping its wings for stability, eyes wide looking for something to eat. I have just been told I didn’t get the job.

There is this warped idealism that cities seem to bring, those big cities, those creative cities. Did we all learn too much from movies and books? Was there ever really a chance your Dreams could come true by simply being somewhere different, or was it a big lie, like Cinderella or spiritual contentment? The idea is basic - live in The City, do things in The City, experience The City, love The City, let The City provide for you. A cultural and economic hub so you can live a life beyond anything your small town friends could ever imagine or comprehend. Funny, how most the people I’ve met have expressed distaste or outright white hot hate for this place. But they still live here, they still live here. 

My white shirt is now stained with sweat from sitting in a hot office all day, and from nervousness. I stink of worried energy and adrenaline. “You’ve obviously got talent…” they said. I replied all smiles and confidence and stupid fucking finger guns like some sort of 80’s movie character, moustache and all. I washed this shirt last night, soaking a pasta stain on the front and hoping it would be clean. I woke up and it was creased and damp, I hoped my body heat would unwrinkle the fabric. I can’t afford an iron. “You’ve obviously got talent but…” I was meant to come in for another day, but they made a decision in seven and a half hours and two articles. I’m relieved in a way. I only own one good shirt.

I think my own ego has brought me here, but now I’m older and my head has hardened. If I can’t do something, I hate it. There are many things I can’t do. “You just don’t have enough writing experience.” and I think, ‘I do’, but not your kind of writing. Though maybe I haven’t let my writing be judged before. Maybe I am bad. I want to write an article out of spite. I want to prove to them how wrong they are. I smile and wink and die inside. 

I find out that the job would have paid a touch over minimum wage. I factor in food and transport on the ticking calculator that runs in my head, keeping a check on my bank balance. I would probably be on minimum wage before tax and loan repayments. I have trained for 3 years and worked for 3-maybe 4 years in this industry. “You just don’t have the experience.” I think about the value of my education. I think about The City and how it was meant to make my dreams come true. I think about minimum wage. Rent. Food. Bills. Tax. I think about fighting someone, or killing myself, or buying a plane ticket and fleeing. Instead I scratch my sweat covered nose. 

I have secured myself a new job. It also pays a touch over minimum wage. I am a freelancer. In theory this means I choose my own pay and choose my own hours. I am told that they pay this rate and this rate only. I get emails at strange hours demanding I come in. I am on a zero-hours contract, but by law I am a freelancer. I earn less than my colleagues, and have less security. There are no benefits to what I do. I consider how I will end it when I reach 55 years old and can bear to work no more with no pension and no house. I consider trying to work out a higher rate of pay, but I know there are a million broken souls queueing behind me to take my place and work more for less. Last time I tried to do so I took a pay cut. I fuck up my own finances and my sanity for the sake of a job I’m told I should be lucky to have. I don’t feel lucky. 

As I walk back to my flat, I watch a woman stare at me and smile through my sunglasses. I don’t acknowledge her. She must think that I have my shit together. She doesn’t realise that this shining statuesque version of me is made of cheap marble and wood, that I’m wearing my one good shirt and wondering what it’s like to be evicted or made bankrupt. I wonder how soon I’ll experience it. I wonder how many people here are in the same boat. One has a bag from Whole Foods and steps into a brand new Jaguar. I wonder no more. In my head, I claw around trying to figure out how many days of work I need to do to make rent next month. I start to feel sick so I stop. 

I know I have to go to the Benefits Office and ask for help paying my bills, but I don’t want to. I feel like the provider. My mother once told me that what caused my dad to break down was always feeling like he had to provide. I let that thought stick for a while. What did the early tribes do when one of their hunters became lame or blind or deaf? Did they care for them or let them die in the wilderness? My rent has gone up this year. House prices are falling in my area but my landlord has a mortgage and the agency has commission to make so it goes up anyway. I can’t afford another deposit or letting fees so I let them fuck me. My contract says they won’t allow any tenants who use benefits, so I hope I can get the money put directly into my account and hide my shame. 

I look at my bank statement and feel like crying when I realise my mental calculations were off. I am poorer than I thought. I go into a shop and buy the cheapest beer I can find there, because I feel like shit and want to feel better. I look at the £1 bottles of piss-quality cider and work out how long it’ll be before I start drinking that. I pick up two four-packs of regular beer. There were times in the early days of The City where I would buy craft beers and bottles of wine like there was a shortage approaching, where I would go to bars on my day off and sit supping cold expensive pints. I’m not sure if I genuinely believed and experienced The Dream then, or if the fun has ruined my memories.

I walk and walk and walk and consider dropping everything and moving elsewhere. Maybe somewhere cheaper? Maybe a foreign country? I know I can’t. I owe the Government so much money in back taxes. I was seduced by a startup who hadn’t been corrupted by ideals like profit who actually paid me a fair wage for The City. I used my money to live like a human being. The company went bust. Now I’m poorer than ever. Now I have the burden of my past sitting forever on my back, my punishment for committing the sin of thinking I could breathe easy. I have to be in The City to earn enough to be poor. I am Prometheus, but the eagle will find no more liver.

I realise how cliche my experience is. We’re all dreamers who got hammered down by society again and again. I’m not clever or creative. I’m average. I walk through my front door and the chain is still on. The cheap door frame buckles and spits plaster everywhere. I would be worried about my deposit if I knew the several tea stains and cracked paint hadn’t already cost me over a thousand pounds of it. If I leave here I know I won’t be able to afford securing another place. I want to tear the rest of the wood off the frame and break something. Instead I work out which white lies to tell my landlord’s agency so they come and fix it without blaming me. I try to work out if I care whether they know or not anymore. 

I try to write. “You’re just not good enough.” Maybe they’re right. I’m so full of vinegar and spite and drink, I want to show them they’re wrong. I look at my half finished projects and ideas laying in the gutter. I look at my bank balance. I look at the broken door frame. I look at the dark bags under my eyes. I look at the tea stains. I look at my half empty beer. Maybe they’re right. 

I’m sitting on a wall. There is birdshit right next to me, cigarettes and gum stains all over the ground. A pigeon is at my feet. It’s feet are covered in yellow, twisting tumours. It pecks at a plastic bag filled with breadcrumbs. It’s eyes are wide as it tries and tries to get them. The breadcrumbs are inside the bag, teasing the bird through clear plastic. It can’t get to them. It tries again anyway. 

- M. M. Sheridan (2017)

[putschki1969]

Hikaru Birthday Event 2018 – Live Report

So…since my last report was stupidly deleted by yours truly and I only provided a mini-report, I thought I would write a proper one for you now. This time around I am using google docs so I hope nothing will be deleted. Without further ado, let’s get to it!

The day of the event was my second day in Japan. I was still quite exhausted from my travels but oh well, it wasn’t too bad. I got up pretty early and met up with my friend Sai to line up for the merchandise. We were at the venue (Suntory Hall Tokyo) at around 10 am to make sure we got everything we wanted. Thankfully the wait wasn’t too bad since we were protected from the sun underneath the building. It was still humid as hell but pretty bearable. Some Japanese Kala-fans from twitter said “hi” to me and as always I was super awkward. Sorry!! Anyways, after the wait was over, we finally got to buy our goods. I bought pretty much everything except the towel because meh, I am not a fan of towels. So yeah, I got the white shirt with the pink triangle, the cap, the ticket file and the booklet\clearfile set. Here’s a sneak peek at the booklet in case you haven’t seen it yet 〈(•ˇ‿ˇ•)-→ CLICK ME

By the way, the goods are available on the Space Craft Online Store since yesterday so be sure to get them quickly!! https://spacecraft-shop.jp/kalafina

Afterwards we headed to “La Maison Kioi” (the Kalafina SPICE interview location) to enjoy some cake. Then we headed to Shibuya to check out the Starbucks seat Keiko sat at in the 10th Anniversary Film. Just a while back, Hikaru had tried out a Calpis drink so e decided to have it too. The place (Afternoon Tearoom) was close by so that was very convenient. The lassi was certainly interesting, it had quite the unique taste, not sure I would order it again though XD.

Slowly heading back to the venue, we came across a bunch of fellow Kala-fans who had just gotten out of the afternoon event. We only heard good stuff so of course we were more than excited. At the venue we met up with lots of other Kala-fans and made some new friends. Then after another hour or so we were finally allowed inside. I delivered my letter and the ones by @theraspberrybushes and @mello-chi and then I went to my seat.

The event started on time…with a more or less unspectacular power point presentation regarding all the questions Hikaru had been asked in the questionnaire. I am pretty sure they used all the questions because there were at least 40 or something. No way in hell I could memorise all of that, especially since the questions/answers went by way too fast. Some random stuff I remember. • Hikaru’s favourite numbers are 2 and 7 • She owns around 1000 mangas • She can read a volume in about 30 minutes • If she hadn’t become a singer she would have wanted to become a mother in her 20ies • The type of character she likes in games: Men-tough; Women-peculiar and beautiful • The type of men she likes: Kind and calm • Favourite colours: Monochrome, blue and red • Favourite game: Momotaro Dentetsu • He favourite castle is Himeji • Her favourite characters in FGO are Gilgamesh and Shiki

Sorry, I can’t think of anything else. She also replied to my questions about recommendations in Toyama but she wrote like ten places or something and there was just no way for me to read it that quickly (especially since I suck when it comes to location kanji) But really, the questions weren’t exactly the highlight of the event but the most amazing part about this section were the childhood pictures of Hikaru which were randomly thrown in between questions. Like seriously the cutest pictures ever of baby Hikaru (and her little sister). Chibi-Hikaru was so freaking adorable, I could barely contain myself. We saw her wrapped up in cute winter clothes with her cheeks all red from the cold. With pig-tails!  (♥ω♥*) We saw her in her pjs at home watching TV.

Then she finally came on stage wearing the gorgeous outfit you saw in the blog post. The top is by IENA in case anyone is interested. Of course I ended up buying it because how could I resist???? http://zozo.jp/?c=gr&did=55355842

She sat down and personally replied to three more questions that were asked frequently. The first one was about her in-ear-monitors. Someone was curious what they always hear when they wear them. Hikaru explained how they work and how they tune out unnecessary noises etc. Next question was about which merchandise she designed was the most memorable for her. She didn’t actually reply to that question iirc but she used that opportunity to introduce this event’s goods. A staff member rolled up a cart with all the merchandise and she introduced them all similar to what she wrote in the Harmony countdown. Sakurada Hirotaka helped her come up with the goods so he deserves credit as well. She also explained that the colours of the shirts represented Kalafina’s origin colours. The final question was about mobile games and how much time she usually spends playing them. If she is into a game and there is an event going on, she will pretty much play all day long. As soon as she gets up, on the train, during breaks, in bed…until she falls asleep XD

Next up was the manga corner. I spaced out a little here. She always read a page out of one of her beloved mangas and then she talked about why this section felt so special to her. ・xxxHOLiC ・My Hero Accademia ・Tenshi Nanka Ja Nai

Please don’t ask me what she talked about. I have literally no idea. I have never heard of these mangas so it didn’t make much sense what she was talking about. But still, it was very nice to see her talk about her passion.

We played Janken afterwards and two lucky winners (one of them my friend Sai) got a present from Hikaru and got to go up on stage. While I can’t say I care much for the mangas they received as present, I would have killed to get a chance to go up on that stage. Oh well, turns out I suck at Janken. XD Somehow I completely forgot how to play it T_T

The Live

宝石-Houseki: WOW! Just wow! I didn’t know that this was the song Hikaru auditioned with. But hey, that explains why she was eventually chosen because man, she slayed! She sounded amazing! I think the song was slowed down a bit, yeah, it definitely was. Her performance was so powerful and tragic, she almost sounded like she was using elements from Keiko’s and Wakana’s voices. She had the same oomph as Keiko and yet there was a hint of tragedy (the same tragedy you usually get from Wakana). Flawless, absolutely flawless. Honestly, I am not even sure which version I like better, Hikaru’s or Keiko’s.

プラチナ-Platina: This is apparently one of her most frequently sung songs at karaoke. She absolutely loves it. It was an okay performance, I can’t say I like that song very much (it’s too cutesy for my taste) and I don’t think the song is particularly suited for Hikaru’s voice but Hikaru was super adorable and all smiles and she obviously had a blast with it so I was happy for her.

北ウイング-Kita Wing: Wow!! Just. Wow!! Hands down one of my favourite performances of that night. I had never heard that song before but Hikaru’s rendition was absolutely gorgeous. I just got to listen to the original version and OMG, they changed it SO MUCH. They slowed it down a lot and made it sound so much more tragic and sad. It left a lasting impression and I think I will have to buy it now. So beautiful.

CAT'S EYE: Sakurada wrote a special jazz arrangement for this song. I wish there was footage of this performance. Hikaru was so freaking sexy here. The way she moved to the lyrics, especially during that “sexy” line! Oh boy! Nosebleed!!! And it was a song I actually knew so YAY about that. If I remember correctly, I think it was actually one of the songs I voted for so double YAY.

ARIA: Finally, the song I had been waiting for. I obviously voted for this because it’s one of my all-time favourite Hikaru songs and I loved the 10th Anniversary version so freaking much (everyone else also voted for it so I kinda knew this would make it onto the setlist). This version was in a slightly higher pitch I think but not as high as the original version. She sang it with so much emotion, at this point I first started crying. Once again Hikaru mentioned that this song means the world to her and it has taught her so much. It’s always special if she gets to sing it and every version is different/unique. I was a bit sad because all the Wakana/Keiko/Kajiurago parts were left out. I had hoped she would sing that WaKei section after the bridge. It’s literally one of my favourite parts of the song because of the lyrics. But oh well, it was still a mind-blowing performance and Hikaru knocked it out of the park. She struggled a bit during the 10th Anniversary performance (especially during the final verse - although studio magic made sure it sounded well-rounded on the DVD/BD) but here she hit every note.

Blackbird: Hikaru mentioned that we would all recognise this song once we heard the chorus but meh, it seems I am the only one who has never heard of this song. Guess it’s because I have never really listened to the Beatles. Sorry to everyone who thinks that’s blasphemy or something. Either way, Hikaru made me really like this song although it will not become my favourite. Nothing about it was very memorable so I have a hard time remembering any details. I just know that Hikaru sounded really chill and cool. She obviously enjoys to sing this type of song.

Honesty: It’s honestly embarrassing how few songs I knew during this live. This was another one I had never heard before but boy, Hikaru made me fall in love with it immediately. I don’t know what it was about her performance but it was just so touching and emotional, it seemed like she meant every word she was singing. Everytime she sang “honesty” my heart broke a tiny little bit. The feels! Oh, the feels!!

Just the Way You Are: Can’t say I ever cared much for this song but once again Hikaru brought something special to it that made me appreciate how lovely this piece actually is. It really felt like she was singing from the heart. On that note, I would like to mention that her English pronunciation was really good during all the English songs. You most definitely understood what she was singing and she tried her best to emphasise each and every word. Very impressive. That’s certainly not a given with Japanese artists. Although I guess we all know that Hikaru’s English is very good. After this song, Hikaru told the Japanese audience that even though they probably didn’t understand the English lyrics, she hoped she was able to convey the meaning through her singing (she was!!). She invited everyone to check out all the lyrics because they are all super beautiful.

魂のルフラン- Tamashi No Rufuran: I was one of the people who voted for Zankokuna Tenshi no These so when she started to talk about Evangelion I freaked out a little. Unfortunately she ended up singing this song instead. I haven’t really watched the series so I only ever knew the OP and nothing else. Can’t say this song left a lasting impression. I don’t remember much from it. T_T Sorry, Hikaru. And sorry to everyone who had expected a more throrough report. I think she struggled a bit during the high parts here but it wasn’t too bad.

History Maker: I am embarrassed to say that I once again didn’t recognise the song. It sounded familiar but I couldn’t for the life of me remember where it was from. I was confused because I thought it was a Western song but Hikaru had mentioned she would sing anime songs now. I was like, “ehh???” Only afterwards when Hikaru mentioned it was from Yuri on Ice I suddenly remembered. [I am definitely the most clueless person when it comes to anime] This was most certainly the most upbeat and fun song of the night. Everyone was hyped and Hikaru was running around the stage, trying to connect with as many people in the audience as possible. And it worked. So much power, so much strength. Simply amazing. She really managed to capture the spirit of the song. Can’t say I watched the anime but I know it’s about sports and figthing spirit and boy, after this performance I was SO READY to climb Mount Fuji XD (which is good since I actually did climb Mt. Fuji the day after). Once she was finished Hikaru told us that actually no one had voted for her to sing this song but since it’s one of her faves she thought it would be okay to include it, this was “Hikaru’s vote” so to speak.

sprinter: Hands down my favourite performance of the night. The lights were dimmed and all you could hear was Hikaru’s voice which was already brimming over with emotion. The arrangement was super slow, she sang pretty much all the lines (including Wakana’s and Keiko’s). She didn’t sing the Kajiurago parts though. When she got to the “kimi ni aitai…” part, the hall became completely dark and there was just a tiny light illuminating Hikaru. Her voice was raw and fragile and very quiet. She wasn’t even singing them properly, it was more like she was saying them to us. It’s hard to explain but it was utterly heartbreaking. Tears everywhere. She only sang that part once and I think that’s for the best because this way it was incredibly powerful. And even though you could barely see her face you could definitely hear her voice break. She ended the song with Wakana’s line, “I'm calling your name”. By the end of the performance everyone was in tears and you could see Hikaru wiping away a tear too.

That was the end of the live, Hikaru took a bow and thanked everyone. When she told the audience to give a big round of applause to Sakurada he started playing the first tunes of “Happy Birthday”. It was a bit awkward at first because Japanese audiences never know what to do in situations like that. But they caught on surprisingly fast and so everyone was singing for Hikaru. That’s when Hikaru pretty much broke down into tears and watching this made me cry even more. She desperately tried to compose herself afterwards but nope, she couldn’t. Whenever she started to speak, a new wave of emotions seemed to hit her. She had to use a towel to wipe her tears away. She said that she didn’t expect Sakurada to play the birthday song for her (although I think that’s not true because he apparently played it during the afternoon event too but I forgive her for that little lie XD). Oh well, whether she was surprised or not she seemed to be moved either way and that is the only thing that counts. She thanked us for coming, thanked us for making this night incredibly special for her and finally assured us that she would forever remember this evening and treasure it within her heart…during the whole time tears were streaming down her face. She hopes that the next time we all meet there will be less tears and more laughter. She apologised for crying so much (oh please, Hi-chan, never apologise for that!!!!) Then she left the stage and the audience was asked to remain seated until told otherwise. The individual rows were asked to wait in line and leave the hall one by one.

That’s when we all got our personal greeting and postcard from Hikaru. She was standing outside wearing the white shirt from the merchandise and she handed each and every person a handwritten note and thanked them once again for coming. The staff people were rushing everyone out but fans were able to talk to Hikaru for a milli-second. When it was my turn I was shaking and I started crying again. Hikaru smiled at me and gave me one of her English cards (like seriously, she even prepared English cards for her foreign fans! So thoughtful of her!). I told her that I was incredibly moved by her performance (as if my crying wasn’t indication enough) and it looked like Hikaru was about to start crying too but then I was ushered outside so I can’t know for sure. I was shaking so much and then and it took a few minuted to compose myself.

All in all it was a super special event and I am so glad I got the chance to attend it. Hikaru is a born solo performer and she owned the stage throughout the entire event. She made me fall in love with her even more. You could really tell how much she cared about her fans. Right now I am very grateful that she is there for us and wants to be close to us. This event and all her blog posts make me so very happy, you have no idea. My only regret is that Hikaru didn’t mention Wakana and Keiko during the evening event. Why did she only talk about them during the afternoon event? So unfair! But oh well, it’s not like I missed much. She basically just told the audience that they are keeping in touch and that she had received birthday geetings from both of them (duh! Of course she did! Did anyone doubt it?) and that Wakana regularly sends pictures of her plant babies. They are all doing their own thing now so I understand and respect their choice (yes, I think it’s their choice and they are not forced by Space Craft) to lay low and not mention the others too much. However, it’s still nice when they do.

Okay, that’s a wrap. Hope you enjoyed this and if you have any questions, don’t hesitate to ask

[depthanonymous]

Thursday. December 26th Chicago O’Hare

This is a Story about how I met my Soulmate.

Growing up I always needed everyone's approval.... I needed that validation for my ego. I got picked on and bullied as a young kid. Too fat, too many freckles, stupid laugh, buck teeth, you name it.... I was too white for the Mexicans, too Mexican for the white kids... I never felt like I fit in, with anyone, even family at times. So I tried to fit in everywhere I went, I tried to impress and 1-Up everybody. I had to win, always. I had to become the best. So no one would have anything to talk about. I needed everyone to approve of me and I had no idea why.... I was doing things I didn't like, working jobs I didn't enjoy, to buy things I didn't even really want, to impress people I didn't even care about....

And then, December 26th 2013, at 8 something AM on a Thursday, I'm at Chicago O'Hare airport.... walking from one end of the airport to the other so I can grab a bite to eat while I wait 3 hours for my flight to Maryland.... and I cross paths with a walking goddess.... she's coming from the opposite end, and should be ending up at the gate I just got out of, Heading back to Omaha From Ohio... I kid you not this was some out of the movies stuff...

I originally met her my freshman year of highscool. She would always come up and eat lunch in the art room during my art class. I used to just drool over her as a freshman, (I was such a dork, had ZERO swagger of any sort) and she was this GORGEOUS girl, but she was a Junior and an amazing artist; coupled with this massive attitude. The only time I ever got the courage to go up and attempt to ask her out. She was drawing a sketch for her figure-drawing class... and I come up and go "hey what are you drawing?" Trying to flirt, and failing. she doesn't even look up at me, she just says "What does it look like?" And I shut down so fast and walked away.... that was 2009

So now, December 2013, I'm tall, (I used to be 5'3ish now I'm 6'3) I'm in better shape, better dressed, looking classy wearing a nice coat and stuff. I'm feeling good, carrying myself differently as a man. Just got the new iPhone, blasting the free version of Pandora..... and I see her. And I instantly get brought back to when I made a fool of myself.... and I'm like, screw that. I'm talking to her this time... only now, we locked eyes, movie style.... and time stops. Busiest and biggest airport in the US... and I come across her. Again. Only this time, she's actually looking back at me, and smiling.... I cut across the hall and she meets me half way. She's so damn beautiful I can't even get words to come out. Luckily she still had that good ole attitude and after a second or two says "Hey, I'm not drawing anything this time, so you're going to have to think of something good." And right then and there I'm thinking, “she remembered!? god damn I'm going to marry this girl.” Everything about her was perfect... so I laugh and now I'm back down to earth and to my confident self (freaking out internally) and I'm like, "oh really, you mean you won't shut down anything I say this time?".... she was looking at the departure screen as I said it.... and she looks at me with this shock that I just said that and then this beautiful smirk, and gives me that smile that just makes everything in me start to tingle. She looks back at me like she's thinking the exact same thing I am.... so I say, "where are you headed?" She says Omaha, asks if I still live there. I say yeah. So then I ask when her flight home is and she says not for another three hours... JUST LIKE ME. So I say “well I also have a pretty big layover, do you know where your gate is?” She says "Duh, its all pretty clearly marked." So I'm like cool, that hurt the pride a little but moving on. And I ask her "well, since we both have a few hours do you wanna grab some food and catch up." She said "Nah, I already ate....(waits silently for what felt like a year crammed into 5 seconds) but we can sit here and chill for a bit if you want." And I'm like STARVING, but I don't even care. I'm just over here mesmerized because this woman is GORGEOUS, and in my head I just keep saying don't mess this up don't mess this up don't mess this up.... so We catch up, she told me she was at Creighton, I said I was going to trade school. She made fun of me and said "Do you still drive that really loud tiny green truck." I got all offended because I did still drive it and loved it. But I get over it..... So all of the sudden hours of talking pass and we are both almost late to board.... so we run to our gates. And the whole vacation I'm just thinking about her, can't get her out of my head. Thinking about some elaborate plan to ask her out and over exaggerating a big romantic plan like always. And I get back from Vacation and get busy and don't know how to approach her to where I don't seem like a Creep....

Well, a couple months pass and around summer time. Her and and another person I went to school with are doing door to door surveys about the neighborhood. And guess who's door they come knocking at? MINE! On my only day off in the last two months... coincidence? I think not. so I come up and answer all shy and say hi to the girl I remember from school. and then see her around the corner and get this rush, I got so nervous I began to sweat a little. I could tell she was nervous too. We gather and sit down in the family room. when I look over to see if the nerves have settled. She couldn't look up at me. She was just staring at the clip board, fumbling on her words on and off as she asks questions and awkwardly chuckles as I respond in a dorky manner.... so I call my dog over even though she isn't allowed on the carpet, to help calm my nerves.... and my dog who loves me like no other, would never abaondon my command. Goes STRAIGHT to her and won't leave her alone. So now I'm all bragging about how well behaved my dog is and she totally disobeys me and goes right to her, calming her nerves and making her smile... they finish with the survey and leave. And I spend the whole day kicking myself for messing up and not asking for her number or to go for coffee or something, anything!

A few days later... SHE messages ME! I'm jumping off the walls, I'm ecstatic. She was telling me sorry for being awkward during he survey. I said likewise, then she laughed at how my dog likes her more and I'm the one that feeds her! we get to flirting and all the cheesy cliche stuff. all of the sudden she's overly straight up with me and just hits me with, "so do you even plan to ask for my number or....?" And I'm just like damn this woman is calling me out on everything. She's like "well, I don't do this Facebook messenger stuff and you're too slow at asking soooo.... can I get yo Numbah?" Just like that...

Now we get to texting and I try asking her out....it doesn't work. And I'm not used to getting rejected so wow! why does she keep shooting me down? So finally I'm like... how about this, let's go for coffee and talk art, it's NOT A DATE. Just two people talking art like a couple of hipsters.... and she goes "fine, on one condition. Don't ever use hipsters in reference to me or you ever again."

So we go on the date, that she always said wasn't a date.... and we both get there at like 4pm, and end up talking and talking for around 6 hours, until they said they were closing.... TOTALLY A DATE. I go to get the door for her and she rushes and won't let me, and says hey, it's not a date. So I smile because in my head I'm like oh you know it was a date you just tried to make excuses now that it's over.... and then before she gets in her car I tell her to look up this song. So she pulls up next to me at the stoplight and turns it up so I can hear that she actually looked it up. Then texts me saying she had a really good time getting coffee and reiterated that it was NOT a date. And then said she loved the song, and I said “good, I'll sing it to you sometime.”

Guess what we did on our second (technically first actual) date? Yup, got food and then drove around and listened to music. And did I sing the song to her, HELL YES I DID. At the top of my lungs, looking at her and everything. While driving, big hazard but I was trying to impress. And I'm about to take her home at a decent time, like 10pm... and as I'm a block away, Te Metiste by Ariel Camacho comes on and I look over at her like damn this is my song. And she goes "wanna just make another loop"... and I said “absolutely” as I start singing that to her too. Getting her to blush and smile..... our first "loop" was like 75 miles. So I got her home at like midnight.... and she posts a status saying "When he can sing👌🏼" and I'm just all pumped up like yeeeeeeaaaaahhhh, I'm Dr. Smooth, PHD in SmoothOlogy..... and then she texts me before bed. And says thanks for food and she really enjoyed the date.... and then finishes it off with another that says "don't let the status get to your head, I liked the singing but you were way too cheesy. 😏".... I knew it, I knew it all along. Since day one, she's the woman that was crafted for me by the big man upstairs, and I'm going to marry her. AND I DID!!! Absolute greatest accomplishment and decision of my life. I had her hooked and I wasn't ever going to let her go. She asked how the hell I could have wanted to marry her without knowing everything about her....And I simply said, "When you know, you know."

You want some proof that she was my soulmate? Short story: We began teaching at the same school, in my classroom during summer our first cleaning, up in a cabinet lodged into the corner was a piece of art..... it had a picture and I instantly knew it was my wife. I ran to her room on the other wing of the building and showed her. She said it was something she made in the 3rd grade, when she attended the school..... still think it’s coincidence? I have plenty more.

Not all stories have the fairytale endings. I lost my Soulmate and Best Friend to Suicide on December 18th 2016. Sometimes it’s the most beautiful people, with the most loving families, with all the accolades and best degrees money could buy. Depression is a constant war in your head, against yourself. Hug your loved ones and appreciate every single moment.

[thedappleddragon]

hooray I think I was productive today :) friends can read this time (except cassidy, you gotta leave, birthday spoilers) but if you figure out my secret project dont tell anybody 

uhhh I dont remember much of this morning other than I just wanted to keep sleeping and my cat was probably clawing at my sheets again. I knew I needed some tape so I could tape together patten pieces for my project and my mom needed meds picked up, so I gathered my things and went to the store by myself with my mom’s card and a short shopping list. all fuckin morning I kept repeating the Minecraft creeper song and the clip from “Korone saying eating Myke Tyson's ass Good Ending” where she has the birthday cake hat. so imagine me, sitting in my car, singing “eating, mike Tyson’s, ass. NOOO” on repeat while looking for a parking space. I ended up walking laps around the store because I didn't know where they kept the fuckin hummus and I had to text my sister and ask. then there was SO much trouble at the pharmacy. basically they didnt have my mom’s insurance on file so I put her on speakerphone while she acted like a boomer not being able to read her own insurance card. the worst part is that because the pharmacy lady was talking to my mom over the phone, I couldn't kill time and be on my phone. so I had to just STAND THERE staring into the middle distance for entirely too long playing with the 2 sets of keys I had clipped to my hand purse wallet thingy. at least I felt cool in my outfit and my boots. eventually it all pretty much worked out and I got to bring home 2 out of her 5  medications and all the groceries. but the lady at checkout thought I was struggling with the machine or an idiot or something (or maybe she was trying to be helpful, whatever) and came over to help me like 3 times. like!! I'm sorry im tired and a little overstimulated and like to take my damn time!! whatever its fine lol. afterwards I drove over to dollar tree to get tape, but I ended up getting a lot of other things too. I saw that they had a brand of tape where you could buy extra rolls without the plastic thing that holds them so I got both. there was also satin ribbon which I was very tempted to get to add to my project, but since I did have fabric to color match to I put it away. instead I got a set of tiny jars, glitter, and craft glue to make into liquid glitter jars. my first idea was to maybe make them into a necklace with fake flowers and shrinky dink fairy wings, but I think they'll just be for decoration. I wanted a snack while I was there and got some crackerjack, like from the baseball song. if you didnt know, yeah its real and its just candied popcorn and peanuts with a little sticker inside. but its really damn good! that's why I ate 2 out of the 3 boxes kn the back and shared the 3rd with my dad. after checkout I sat in the parking lot eating crackerjack straight from the box since I forgot hand sanitizer and watching tiktoks. when I tried to go home there was a huge line of cars outside the entrance to the neighborhood with an ambulance in there and police lights up front, so I turned the other way and took the other entrance. when I came home I found my mom in the process of ripping up carpet in front of her bathroom so she can replace it with tile. we had discussed this earlier today but I thought this would be an eventually project, not a today project. so I spent some time cutting carpet, ripping up foam, sweeping, and prying away the spiky wooden boarders. we need to either remove or hammer down some nails that go down into the concrete before we can start laying down tiles. I spent some time taping together my pattern pieces, cutting 1cm strips off the side of 25 pieces of paper until I got 5 long lines of 5 sheets that I would need to match up and tape together. I didnt have enough space on my bed so I brought it all out to the kitchen floor. it was the biggest clean flat surface in the house I could think of. I got frustrated about pieces not fitting perfectly and my printer cutting off important parts at the very bottom of pages, but I made it work. I roughly cut around each piece and when I brough them all back to my room, I saw my cat had gotten sick on my bed which made me more frustrated. she was asleep on my blankets and very warm so when I picked her up I was worried for a moment that she might have a fever, but she’s fine. I let her out of my room so I could take off the sheet she messed up and ran it and a couple other things through the wash. for the rest of the afternoon I let my cat stay outside without me, and she ended up staying outside for hours, never straying too far from the door but not coming inside when I invite her. I'd check up on her every so often and set her food dish. my sister kept asking me to find my wallet that had mom’s card in it which frustrated me more, and by now I was also getting hangry, so I was fuckin mad and tired and needed to be alone in my room for a bit. I have her card info saved on my phone so I just texted that to her so she could pay for food. I noticed my dad’s boss had called me and I missed it, so I called him back nd he just said It would be a couple days before any updates. I wish he would have just texted me but whatever. I sat outside with my cat while we ordered, making sure she was ok and wasn't hurting her eyes in the sun. I went in the car to pick up food but made my sister go in alone. we ate together in her room while I watched tiktoks and she worked on homework. after that I looked at the stuff u got from dollar tree and started making the 5 mini glitter jars in the bathroom. they all turned out pretty cute, but the pink and red ones are lowly leaking baby oil through the cork stopper. after that I had 2 tiny jars left, so I shoved in dried rose petals and baby’s breath and crushed leaves, all from the flowers my dad got me for valentines day. I think they turned out ADORABLE, and I'm going to borrow some earring making supplies from a friend who bought them in bulk to start a small buisness of reselling aliexpress charms as earrings but quit after a while and still had a ton of leftover supplies. I think I might want to add some twine and shrinky dink fairy wings to the earrings, so I spent a while making 2 test pieces and fucking up a scrap piece to test how to make the hole for the earring hardware. I talked to my dad bout my whole process when he walked in on me preheating the oven, and he agreed to buy the smallest drill bit the hardware store had to offer so I could just drill the hole after baking. luv u papa <3 by then it was getting a little late so I went back to my room. I only have a week or so to finish my project, and I didnt want to get into pinning and cutting fabric tonight, so instead I prepped my patterns. I zoomed into the pattern pdf so it was life sized and traced the missing edges that got cut off by my printer and cut out all the pieces with an xacto knife. I was struggling all day to figure out what the hell these 2 huge shapes labeled lower front and lower back were supposed to be, until I looked through the pdfs again and realized it wasn’t even for the version of the pattern I was using!! so I folded them up and added them to the scrap paper pile. now I have all my pattern pieces nicely prepped resting on an open drawer because otherwise my cat would step all over them. tomorrow I think I'll start pinning and cutting, but not until I read through all the instructions like 3 times and try to look up a youtube tutorial. but its 2:30 am now and im hungry, good night sleep well mwah <3

[itsmomorin]

Opposites Attract

Opposites Attract

- Momo Focus

Word Count: 2631

*Halloween Special 2017

“I’m here, where are you guys?” You spoke into your phone, as you stood in front of a large mansion. People were dancing, singing, drinking, in their elaborate and spooky costumes. There were ghosts, skeletons, werewolves, and even the Hulk was present. Actually scratch that, multiple Hulks, each of a different shade of green. Heavy EDM was blasting from the inside, and it looked like there was a bonfire set up in the backyard. Great, my costume is going to smell like smoke, alcohol, and more smoke. Sigh, why did I even come? You thought to yourself. Despite the immense number of exquisite and detailed costumes, you felt fully confident in your own outfit. You spent two months in advance, acquiring materials, constructing different parts, comparing different versions, as you finally managed to complete your costume. You patted the sides of your pants, your dual pistols hung from a leather belt, and you reached backwards to feel the smooth grip of the wooden crossbow you had made over two weeks. You were dressed in a black trench coat, along with boots, biker gloves, and a black witch hunter hat to top it all off. You were the most badass vampire hunter, well, at least at this party.

“You made it! Yeah, so we decided to kind of split up, you know, try our luck at different places instead of sticking together. We wouldn’t want to drag each other down. Anyways, some of us are upstairs, I’m in the basement, I think the rest are either outside or in the backyard.” Your friend said with a slight slur.

“Isn’t outside and the backyard the same thing?”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever. Anyways, don’t come bothering me, tonight's the night!”

“Ah yes, I almost forgot, all of you guys came to hook up with someone. Jeez, don’t worry, I’m not going anywhere near you. Don’t want people to know we’re associated.” You jokingly attacked.

“Yeah, sure, we’ll see who’s laughing tomorrow morning!”

“Alright, take it easy, bud. I’ll see you in the morning.” You concluded, hanging up, and approached the front porch. A girl dressed as a black cat noticed you approaching and opened the front door for you. She smiled at you, and gave you a little meow. You thanked her and slightly shivered when she meowed at you. Welp, I’m here, might as well try to enjoy this a little bit. Let’s see if they have any food around here, I skipped dinner because my shift ended late today. You bypassed individuals who were already passed out, people who held a stranger’s hand and led them into some corner to make out, and people that were casually drinking water and sat with the other sober people. Finally, you made it into the kitchen, and there they were, stacks of pizza boxes and wings in the corner. Please let there be a few pieces left. Please. You flipped open at least half of the boxes and they were all empty or someone had bitten parts of a pizza off. Are you kidding me? Pleaseee. Upon opening the last box, you found three intact pieces of pizza. You quickly snatched them all up onto your plate and walked away. You grabbed an empty seat away from the drunk people and began to wolf down the pizza. Then you overheard two girls speaking.

“I can’t believe they ran out of food… I should’ve listened to you, I should’ve ate more at home…” One girl spoke.

“Are you really that hungry? We can go grab something quick right now if you want, or we can leave earlier and find something.” The other girl responded.

“No, no, it’s okay, I’ll live. Go have fun, maybe there’s some snacks lying around. Don’t worry about me.” The first girl said and pushed her friend towards another group of girls. The second girl nodded and joined up with her other friends. You stopped eating for a moment and peeked over to the first girl. Your jaw dropped. She’s absolutely stunning. Wow. She wore an elegant crimson dress and her hair was frizzled and let loose around her shoulders. Then she bared her fangs. Vampire huh? Heh, what a coincidence. You watched her for a few more minutes as she practically flipped open each drawer and cabinet twice. You stared down at your plate, where two perfect slices remained. Come on, (Y/N), you’re not that hungry. Surely you can spare a few slices for this poor girl. You finished your first piece, opened your phone’s camera and wiped any tomato sauce or oil off of your mouth and approached the girl. She had finally given up and sat on one of the stools near a counter top.

“Hey? Excuse me, I couldn’t help but notice that you were looking through the kitchen for something. If you don’t mind, I have two slices left here.” You said as you sat on an adjacent stool. The girl looked at you with an awkward expression, smiled quickly and shook her head.

“I didn’t do anything to these pieces, I swear. My name is (Y/N). What’s yours?” You desperately tried to save the conversation. I totally come off as a druggie right now, “Didn’t do anything to these pieces”? Smooth, (Y/N), smooth… The girl gave you a warm but distant look as she still refused to say anything. You could tell that you had failed. Completely and utterly failed. You took your two pieces of sad looking pizza and walked away from her.

“Hey there… hic… I don’t believe we’ve met before…” A drunk man spoke from behind you.

“Where do you think you’re going, little lady? hic... Cute costume, very spooky…” Another joined in.

You turned around to see the same girl being cornered by two drunk dudes who were still carrying their drinks around. She looked worried and extremely uncomfortable. Then all of a sudden, one of the men touched her bare shoulder with his hand, and your body instinctively moved forward to open a gap between the two men and the girl. The girl hid behind you, as you confronted the two.

“Who are you exactlyyy… hic.” The first man spoke.

“What do you think you’re doing?” The second chimed in.

“I could be asking you two the same questions. What do you think you’re doing with… my girlfriend?” You began strongly but began to waver at the end.

“She’s… your… girlfriend?” They both said together. They looked towards each other and laughed out loud in a disgusting manner. Why, I gotta… you thought to yourself, and suddenly a wave of confidence washed over you, as you stood up straighter than normal and projected your voice loudly and clearly for a second time.

“Yeah, she is. So I’m only going to say this once. Piss off.” You spoke coldly. The two men blinked several times as if they didn’t understand English. They looked pissed off now, as they set down their drinks and cracked a few knuckles.

“Who do you think you are?” The second man spoke angrily.

“Who am I? Can’t you tell. I’m Van Fucking Helsing.” You said with even more emotion. The two men didn’t flinch a single bit. Here we go. Again. Wait a second.

“If it’s a fight you want, then you’ll get one. But since there’s two of you, I get an advantage. See this wooden crossbow? I made it myself, quite proud of it to be honest. If I wanted to, this could probably break a few bones before it breaks. But why would I do that, when I can just load it with this metal bolt.” You explained, placing a bolt that was coloured silver onto the crossbow and pulling it back with an audible click at the end.

“So then, who wants to help me try this thing first?” You said with a grin. The two men moved their eyes onto your finely crafted crossbow and then back to you. They slowly backed off, took their drink and went outside.

“Thank- Thank you.” The girl behind you said quietly as she bowed a little. You nodded and smiled at her. You knew that you had made a bad impression before so you were just about to leave the girl alone once again but she spoke again.

“Uhm, I was wondering, if you still had the two pieces of pizza left?” The girl said again.

“Yeah, yeah, of course. Here.” You eagerly responded and handed over your plate once again. The girl thanked you again and literally glowed as she received the pizza.

“Oh hold on, I think there’s a microwave around here somewhere. I just ate it without heating so I can heat it for you if you… want.” You said turning around only for a split second. When you turned back around, the girl had already ate half of the first slice. She paused as you watched her eat.

“I guess not, then.” You said with a chuckle. The girl laughed and choked since she was chewing. You sat back on the stool and hesitated before patting her back. She didn’t reject you.

“Sorry for my attitude from earlier. My friends told me to be careful of strangers. But you seem alright.” The girl apologized after swallowing her bite.

“No, I completely understand. I didn’t exactly make myself appear trustworthy.”

“I don’t know why I came, I’m a party person usually, but I don’t think I like this ‘kind’ of party that much.”

“I ask myself the same question. I came with my friends but they came a bit early and are probably hammered by now. So now here I am, making myself look like an antisocial person/druggie who creeps on sober girls.” You jokingly said. The girl had stopped eating and gave you a wide eyed look.

“It’s a joke… haha. I swear.”

“I know, I’m just messing with you.” The girl dropped her expression and giggled.

“Why are you here then? If you don’t enjoy these types of parties.” You asked.

“Well, I’m here to keep my friends in check. Especially that one. See that girl dressed as a red hot devil? She’s a handful.”

“I wish I could say the same, but my friends all want me as far away as possible.”

“They’re trying to hit on some girls?”

“How did you… yeah, they are. They don’t really have any good luck with girls, so I’m probably here until one of them throws up or gets into a fight.”

“You gonna pull out that crossbow again?” The girl teased.

“I’ll have you know, I really did make this crossbow myself. It took me two whole weeks.”

“Really? Let’s see, give it here.”

You obeyed and gave your crossbow over. The girl pretended to shoot you as she aimed at you with one eye.

“No true vampire hunter gives over their weapon so easily to a vampire.” She commented as she aimed.

“Yeah? Well, I didn’t think vampires were weak enough to get bullied by two drunks.” You reflected back at her.

“Fine, fine, fair enough.” The girl said after licking off the sauce off of her fingers. She returned your crossbow and stretched a little as she put down the empty plate.

“Do you want to move this conversation somewhere else? Things are a bit… chaotic here.” You suggested.

“Sure.” The girl replied warmly. The two of you were going to go downstairs but you heard yelling and the smashing of bottles, then the two of you tried upstairs, but all of the doors were locked and some very inappropriate noises echoed from within the rooms. The backyard and pool were filled with shirtless people. So it was the front porch for the two of you, no one was there, not a single soul. Luckily, you wore multiple layers underneath so you handed your trench coat and scarf to the girl since it was chilly outside.

“Oh!” The girl suddenly exclaimed right after the two of you sat on the steps.

“What is it?”

“I forgot to introduce myself… ahem. My name is Momo. Nice to meet you, (Y/N).” She announced and extended her hand.

“You remember my name?” You asked, astonished, and shook her hand.

“Of course I did. You weren’t that creepy. Good try.”

“Well, sorry, next time I’ll try harder. I’ll put an excessive amount of sugar onto the pizza.”

Momo giggled at your sense of humor. Even her laugh is beautiful. Who is this girl. The two of you ended up sitting out there for the entire night. No one came to bother the two of you, no one saw the two of you. It was like you two were in your own little world together. Even when everyone began to sleep, or were too drunk and passed out. Finally, the sky began to light up with hues of orange, red, and yellow streaks that peeked through the horizon.

“Is it really morning already?” You asked, still feeling as awake as when you showed up at the party.

“We talked for a long time huh? Funny how I don’t feel tired at all. Hm, I wonder if Sana is feeling any better.”

“Who’s Sana?”

“Oh, one of my dearest friends, she got sick right before this party so she opted to stay home by herself. I’ll see her soon, I’m sure she’s fine now.”

“Okay, I’m sure she’s feeling better by now. So did you enjoy 2017’s Halloween? It’s officially over now.” You said, standing up and stretching a little.

“It’s not over yet. The Sun’s not completely up. I’m a vampire remember? I’ll burn up in sunlight. Completely combust. Then it’s over.” Momo joked, pointing at the Sun that slowly creeped up from behind the hills. You smiled, and took your long trench coat off of Momo then you held it up high with your hands, creating a cover between the sunlight and Momo.

“If that was the case, I think I’d be the only vampire hunter to protect you. I’d hold up my coat like this, and create a shield for you. Because I don’t want you to disappear.” You said as you stared straight into Momo’s eyes. She stood up, and kissed you gently on your cheek.

“Thank you, (Y/N). You’re very sweet. Thank you for making my 2017 Halloween enjoyable.”

“You’re welcome.”

“I should go now, my friends are probably waiting for me at home. They left already and I had told them that I was in good hands. They’re probably getting worried by now.”

“Ahem, uh, yes, yes you should.”

Momo proceeded to walk away from you, but before you could fully let her just go, you spoke up again.

“Hey! Will I… see you again?” You asked, feeling extremely shy all of a sudden.

“Maybe you will, maybe you won’t.” Momo replied without turning her head, she waved to you and continued to walk away. I can’t believe I just let her go.

Brrt!

Your phone vibrated against you, you had forgotten that you had placed your phone in the inside pocket of your trenchcoat. You took it out and scrolled through the notifications.

“Where are you?!?”

“I need my wingman ASAP. Please.”

“I’ll buy you twenty hot wings next time we go out.”

“Fourty.”

“We’re all heading home now… no one got lucky. For the fourth year in a row. Sigh.”

“You coming with us or what?”

“Hello? (Y/N)?”

“Alright well we’re leaving so have fun with whatever you’re doing.”

You carefully read through your friends texts and laughed to yourself. You swiped all of the texts away. You suddenly paused when you came upon a text that was hidden among the rest from an unknown number. It read…

“Your favourite vampire.”

I know, I know, it’s been like two weeks since Halloween, are you serious right now? Well I am completely serious. Hahaha, I couldn’t help but write something for Halloween so please enjoy this scenario! If you’re interested in another Halloween themed scenario, I have one on my sideblog (Hamzzisana) and see if you can find some similarities between the two... 

- itsmomorin

[papermoth-bird-blog]

Mexico: the dog days of Donna & Dianne.

As Katie, Celeste & I sat at the bar one night in Tulum, she laughed at the characters we had taken on. Celeste with her dark winged sunnies, was Dianne, a serious business woman on vacation. She’s a bit of a mom type, but knows how to party. Or maybe a model with a business brain. I laughed and agreed that there was a certain quality Celeste had about herself here, she was definitely a Dianne. Every time the humidity mingles with my hair, it grows like a 80s hairband groupie. Since the villa, Katie has been calling this character that accompanies it, Donna. From what I can tell, Donna seems like a bit of a mall rat, with questionable aesthetic tastes. I’m pretty sure it was Donna that picked out the leopard print bathing suit I’ve been wearing here. She was probably the one that picked out the ripped t-shirt I’ve been favouring too. Between all of us, Dianne & Donna have been welcomed guests in the friend group. They’ve mixed it up a little bit & added quite a bit of humour. Especially as we met new people and they started calling us Donna & Dianne because they thought those were our real names. 

The last few days in Mexico were certainly slow moving ones too. In the heat, there is something more difficult about motivating yourself to do something more than just eating cold things and hanging out on the beach. I tried to channel that lacks attitude towards doing some internal work- diary writing, and a lot of reading. I finished two books over that time- which felt really good. 

Overall, I have kind of felt like I already have one foot out of the door of this trip. I don’t want to say I am bored per se, because I have been able to fill my time with things that have certainly entertained me. Things I do not normally have time to work on, but I when I stay put, I want to be able to to crafts, which isn’t easy to source out here. I also have become so used to my alone time, I feel myself dissociating when I don’t get enough of it. Spending more time of my phone, my eyes glazing over, tuning people out- not on purpose, but as a symptom of not practicing what I now know about myself. I mean, I’m glad that I am learning these things about myself now. in the past, it was always very alarming when I felt myself dissociating and not being aware in the slightest as to why that was happening. 

I am trying to be both honest with myself about how I am feeling, and productive with the time I have. I am learning I am not so much a beach-vacation kind of person- or rather, it just is not something I find stimulating or relieving at this moment of time. I want to read and be in cultural hubs. I want to meet people that are hustling and doing interesting things for themselves and their wider community. I want to see weird community theatre & support musicians who are still finding their footing. Maybe I’ll be ready for a vacation like that when I’m older and need a break. Right now though, I am sitting very comfortable with my life & am enjoying the momentum I feel in my life. I don’t need a break from my life! I love my life! I want to keep living and growing. 

Celeste & Katie & I decided to watch “The Dirt” which is the new MOtley Crue Biopic. It was gratitous and crude in every way you can imagine. It was humbling in the way that it reminded me of all the things I am committing to cutting out of my life. And all the ways I am happy without those things. Yet, there is the smallest part of me, that still has this tiny crush on Tommy Lee. I think it’s just residual from my persistent love of drummers. 

We expanded out food choices beyond just tacos finally- eating a soup dish called pasole (sp??). It comes in two varieties- green and read. The vegetarian version is basically just made of these giant corn kernels that are an ancient crop here. Eli was telling us that I may be a have originated from this really ancient mayan dish with a dark back story (that involves human sacrifices) but I am not entirely sure if I buy it. There is a little female chihuahua that lives around the corner from us that we named after the soup. Katie has been going back and forth in her mind as to whether or not she wants to adopt her and bring her home to Canada. I keep tell her that I’m pretty sure she has a family. There are just so many dogs in Mexico & most of them don’t wear collars. These stray dogs are honestly one of my favourite parts of Mexico. My craving to own a dog is becoming more and more real. I am starting to feel as if I finally may be ready to settle down enough to handle that amount of responsibility too. 

Speaking of dogs- I have been trying to embrace the dog days attitude. I only really go to the cafes to drink fruit juices and lounge around reading. CoConAmour has been a really good spot for that. It’s a little more of a gentrified cafe- but has a very relaxed bohemian vibe about it. The seating area is outside & full of couches and comfy chairs draped with tapestries. The menu is centred on fresh & healthy vegetarian options. The little store out front has all kinds of health foods. They also run all kinds of dance & excersize work shops during the day & evenings. There are some other little cafes that encourage this really laid back attitude- but this one was the best for it. No one is in a rush there, which is admittedly a relief. 

The funny thing is, that a few of the real locals- the ones who are from this area- jokingly apologized to me at several points about Mexicans moving at such a slow pace. This joke is familiar to me, as we say the same thing amongst the Mediterranean side of my family. In my experience, however, I haven’t felt Mexico being a particular laid back kind of place. I am positive it is because of the driving tourist industry. The whole area depends on it and because of that, everyone is trying to hustle as much as they can. In doing so, many are literally just trying to rip you off as much as possible, preying on the fact that tourists don’t have a full grasp on the currency & the language. It’s been breaking my heart in a few different ways (and Katie has notably been upset by it too). I mean, I understand it all and why it happens like this,. It just reminds me how how nasty capitalism is- how much it divides us, how much it is used to oppress other people. It’s hard to be around, but for that reason I’ve been trying to really process it, instead of looking away from it. 

When the group wanted to go out dancing, I have stayed home. I’ve been enjoying being low key more and more. Celeste’s last night- I did end up going out though. And I was definitely glad I did. The bar we went to was a little more low key. I had a couple virgin cocktails with real sugar cane. So I basically sat there, chewing on cane getting up to dance when they put the Talking Heads “This must be the place” on over the PA. *That song is one of the songs that has been following me around along this trip* I slipped out early with Eli- as I was getting pretty tired at the point that I felt everyone up revving up for the night. Katie’s new friend Ross was ordering multiple drinks at once, and I could Tell Zeus was also keen to stay out as late as possible. We did all make plans to go on an adventure the following day, however. (Besides Celeste, of course, who was leaving early the next day). Zeus was heading into Merida, the state capital. Ross & I were pretty keen on seeing the huge Mayan ruins in Cabo. 

The next morning, Eli & I both got out of bed at our regular early hour. Celeste came in to say a quick goodbye & departed for the bus stop. Katie took much longer to even begin stirring. Of course, what they said was going to “for sure be an early night” ended up being quite a long, drunken one. That’s fine by me too, I think the both of them were keen to have that kind of night at one point. I was just glad that I decided to go home before it escalated too much. Ross came over, and we picked up Zeus. By then, it was the afternoon, and we didn’t really have all that much time to get to Merida- especially if we wanted to explore the towns along the way. 

We decided to stop in Valladolid where Zeus could get out and take the bus to Merida. As soon as we saw the quiet little town, we decided to stay for a least a short while. The building were all low and painted in pastel colours. They reminded me slightly of some of the houses in San Francisco. The streets were all cobble stone & pretty narrow. At the centre of town, was a beautiful square with a huge spanish church at one end. We decided to eat lunch & then walk around some more. As we did, we feel more in love. Katie was so relieved to be experiencing this side of Mexico. The people were much more genuine, and must less pushy & ready to joke along with you. Ross & I picked out a few post cards as we exchanged travel stories. 

Ross has told us so many stories about his adventures in Kaui, it has really planted a seed about going there. He described it in such a magical way- as a place filled with such magic & stillness & spirit. He shared a really difficult story, about coming across the body of a hiker under a waterfall. It broke the spell of the magic of travelling- but only enough to remind us all of what a privilege it is to be able to visit these places & explore these spaces. More than that though, what a privilege it is to be alive & be able to simply live our lives. 

Again, we got caught up exploring the town. As the time ticked by, we realized it was too late to get to the pyramid (because we were on the boarder of two different time zones, so confusing!) We embraced it & ventured over to the Centote at the center of town. We didn’t have high hopes, exactly for it. I mean, it was at the centre of the town! And there were so many cars around. We walked through the small market place past the brick walls & paid the small entrance fee. To enter the Cenotote, you have to walk through this underground tunnel. In the tunnel, there are usually a few men dressed like animals- in the ways the Mayans did in ceremony. 

When you finally break through to the light on the otherside, the view is breath taking. it was like something out of Ferngully. The Centote (Zaci) was such a piecing pure blue. Not to mention the fact that it was absolutely huge. It is half in a cave, but the sun drips in past the vines. Further back in the cave, it is cool, and those who are not swimming seek shelter there. There is such a family feeling there. Though so many people are there, it never feel cramped. There is just enough reverence held for the place, the magic remains. Even as everyone jumps of the cliff edges into the pool of water. It was without a doubt, the highlight of the trip for me & am go grateful to be able to experience. Especially knowing that this was such a sacred space for the indigenous people of the area. (.... and probably the site of many sacrifices).

We made our way back to Tulum slowly, enjoying the time we had outside of town. As we ate dinner in the little taqueria, we watched the most gorgeous plum sunset drop down behind the lake. I was so content to be in the world, be there, but alone in my head. It fuelled a lot of fodder, but in a healthy way. I found myself coming to centre again. It was such a relief. 

When we woke the next morning, Katie & Ross were again, so to rise. We again ran out of time to make it to the ruins with enough time for me to catch my bus to the airport. It was okay with me, though, as I was actually becoming so excited to go to Ontario. A feeling that was utterly foreign to me, and relieving in a way I can’t quite pin point. Katie & Ross decided to go on their own. I again said some quick goodbyes (quick goodbyes are preferable) & got to packing. I did my best to clean up the air b n b & said my final goodbye to Eli. I hadn’t had to lug all my bags in a long time, and I was again humbled, by the effort I had to put in to keep up a good pace. I kinda laughed at myself though & the fact that every time I thought my bag was the absolute fullest it could be, I managed to fit more things in it. 

I got to the bus station with ten minutes to go before the next bus. The line was quite big & I was becoming nervous I would miss it. I started to sweat for more the heat. The next bus wasn’t for 3 and a half hours. As I got to the booth & handed her my card, she informed me that I could only pay with card more than an hour in advance of the bus’ departure. I cursed under my breath as I had gone pretty much the whole trip without much cash- only using card. I picked apart my bag, looking through pockets of pants I had worn in my travels through the US, knowing I had shoved ones into some of them. I had also paid for dinner the night before & Ross had given me some Pesos in return. After my frantic search, I put the crumpled pile of notes on the counter- I literally had just enough, by some wink of the universe. I ran onto the bus & allowed myself to breathe out finally. 

I got to the airport extraordinarily early, which meant I was able to spend a lot fo quality time with my book. The Cancun airport is kind of funny- it’s so american. All the food. All the prices. So purely targeted at Americans. I got stir crazy & ended up getting myself a whole pizza which I ate at the quiet end of the airport. I became so wrapped up in my book, I hardly looked up at the time. When I did, I realized that my flight should be boarding any minute & I hadn’t looked up my gate yet. I ran to the board, then to the gate, just in time to board. I guess that was my cardio for the day. I’ve never been so restless on the plane. Most often I manage to sleep, this time I couldn’t manage it though. I was hardly able to meditate either. And I had finished my book. I was so excited to get off the plane and see my family. 

I finally understand why people get all kerfuffled at lines in airports & the long hallways. At Pearson I found myself running down the freezing hallways- still dressed as if I was in Mexico. Out of the doors, I saw my parents and my brother Isaac. In so many ways I felt like I had travelled all that way- all around the States- to come here. And I am so glad to be here now.