#ANYWAY. you can see the pattern of intimacy throughout all the characters

[naivety]

in my black sails rewatch, i was tempted to say i was noticing a pattern of two kinds of characters in it, but as i continue to watch i think there are mainly three. three, but two of them take up the most room, and they are the storytellers, and the characters in the story they're telling. the third is the audience, and it's the place we see the most intimacy in. it is a role associated with being an audience to a truth, not a story. it's bearing witness to someone once they trust you with their truth in place of whatever story they tell for everyone else.

when silver first meets flint, he clocks him as our main storyteller right away but it's not until he directly cues flint he can see straight through it that flint pays him any attention at all. silver doesn't see his storyteller status because he's a character becoming self aware, like gates, or even billy, or because he yet loves flint enough to be his true audience, like miranda, but because silver's a storyteller too. gates is too smart not to be aware he's in a story, but he can't quite breach the containment of character into storyteller. they have just enough awareness to judge the story, but not to escape it, while someone like miranda, who plays the role of audience, sees through the narrative enough not to judge it, but to love it. for it's honest truth alone, not for it's ability to tell a compelling story. she loves it enough to want to live it, not tell it. she loves flint the man, not the storyteller, and yet he is a storyteller, and so she loves him too much to end it either. almost, when flint is willing to cede his storyteller status himself, for her, who he loves in return. however brief it lasted, almost.

after flint kills gates, he starts becoming too self aware to continue, he becomes aware that he too is a character in it and he's the villain. he becomes aware of the story and so it must come to an end, as stories eventually must from the audience's perspective. for the audience, there is no way out for a character like him, and he's too aware of which character he is. in the moment he kills gates, he becomes him; sees the story being told and his role in it, and that it's a story he doesn't want to be a part of, not in that role. there's no way out for that role. little does he know, it remains true even after he rescinds the awareness to become storyteller again. there's no way out for him anymore, not in that state. then silver walks in. and he sees not flint's story but flint's truth, crying over a man he just killed because he hates his character, hates being that character, and silver reacts not like another character, not like the audience, but like a storyteller too. he offers him the way out, and the next we see flint, he is walking back out on deck, and he is telling a story again.

i didn't even see the significance of this kinship on my first watch, how even a match it is, and how not just important that moment was for the story, of course, but how intimate for both silver and flint. it's the first scene that establishes their equality in the narrative to each other. fellow storytellers now telling a joint story, and because of it, it starts to become a story only both of them together can tell. if one loses the other in the finale of season one or the premiere of season two, the story would end. they need each other because they are equals, both refusing to let their story end against all odds.

which is why i also believe flint genuinely lost silver's respect after he lost his leg! silver's decision to protect the men had nothing to do with telling a story, he was subject to one. he wanted to be a part of the crew and that story, he wanted to live it, and the crew are just characters to flint. for a moment, he let someone else write his story. silver, as we later find out, lives life uninterested in joining stories, but telling different ones of his own, one after the other. until flint's crew. until flint! flint had him there too. he wants to be a part of that story because it's the first time in maybe forever he's felt like he could be a part of something, not just see the parts and create more favorable shapes to survive in. he is a storyteller by necessity, not an artist. it's just as likely flint loses respect for silver after the season two finale because he suspects silver backed out of their joint narrative to start telling a different one, one in which flint is just another character to right off and no longer an equal to write with. either way, it's not until silver rescinds that threat and flint believes in silver's desire to keep writing a story with him that they see eye to eye again.

it's not until they genuinely care about each other that flint lets silver see the truth of him, not just his story, and it shifts their balance of power immediately. flint gives up his storyteller position for silver and silver alone, to tell him about thomas. it is no story, it is just the truth only miranda had ever born witness to, and he tells it to him! and silver can't do the same in return. he can't be an even match to that, he can't be an equal to it. whatever his truth is, he can't tell it. he offered himself as flint's audience and flint accepted the vulnerability and offered to be silver's audience in return, but in silver's own words, there is no story to tell. the narrative falls apart for him as soon as he tries to make enough sense of it to speak out loud to someone. he can't speak of it without giving up the position of power as storyteller. he refuses flint that intimacy of stepping out of the story with him, he refuses it even to madi. the closest intimacy he can offer is to write a story in which he can pretend he's just a character in it existing alongside them. a character who loves them.

by the end of the show, silver must pretend he is more like gates and less like miranda in order to end the story. gates was at one point one of the biggest threats to flint's narrative throughout because his self awareness as a character in a story he didn't like threatened the story being told at all. the self awareness of being a character threatens to kill the story altogether, just as the self awareness of being an audience threatens to end a story for the sake of letting truth be a fact, not something to convince everyone else of, which is why both gates and miranda are killed for the story to continue. you need the mutual agreement to suspend your belief, and gates' struggle is that he couldn't make peace with that and still be in the story which is why it becomes his end, just as miranda loved the storyteller too much to not either be its end or be ended by it herself. silver, on the other hand, as a storyteller himself, knows how to be both. furthermore, he loves flint enough to try. especially if he thinks it will save madi's life. as much as flint changes to him throughout the show, he can't give up his storyteller position either, not even to just live it. so silver tells one final story, and it's the last chapter of flint's. he ends it and himself as the author, and becomes a character he is himself constantly in the process of writing. a character to himself. he becomes all three; storyteller, character, and audience. but then again, isn't that what he always was from the start?

[grenade-maid]

Just finished Lain. Watched the last episode twice, which gently removed my heart from my chest and pulped it into a fine paste in a mortar and pestle. This hit much closer to home than I expected.

In my Lain epistemology post I somewhat flippantly made an aside that the series was only tangentially about Lain the actual character. By which I meant that my read on the series up until that point (around episode 8 or 9) was that each episode was teasing apart different aspects of the ambiguity of truth, knowledge, information, and communication, with the events of Lain's life being almost just a sort of example case study for how these concepts can impact someone on an individual level. Lain was framed in a kind of zoomed out way as an abstract avatar moving through these events without a whole lot of expression of her personal thoughts and feelings.

And then we get to the last three episodes.

It's in this space that Lain the 8th grade age girl with thoughts and feelings and wants and needs and fears comes into painfully sharp focus. The beginning of the final episode sums up and contextualizes what all of this has always been about.

Who am I? What is the real me? How can I tell what's real about me if everyone interprets it differently?

Do I even exist if other people can't see me?

The flippant bravado that I expressed in that post is the same attitude that Lain has been applying to her own very sense of self throughout the series, as just another arbitrary and moldable piece of information subject to interpretation with no inherent truth.

She effectively commits suicide by removing herself from sight, mind, and memory, of everyone around her. After all, if they have no knowledge of her, then she no longer exists. But what is lurking in the subtext of this finale is that she fails to consider that everyone she is cutting off is equally subject to this process. She imagines that without her meddling they are able to be happy. But that's all it is, imagination.

She doesn't exist to them anymore because she erased their knowledge of her, but it goes both ways. In doing this, they cease to exist to her, too. The image of the happy lives of the people she knew don't come from real observation or fact. It is something that she is imposing upon her memory or imagination of those people, which is only possible because she's removed herself from the possibility of being reminded just how complex and occasionally painful their lives will be with her or without her. In those scenes nobody misses her except in these brief fleeting moments where they remember some fond association with her, before moving on to their happy lives.

But this isn't reality. She isn't seeing these people. This is how she comforts herself, by imagining that everything is for the best without her, and nobody has to feel the pain of missing her. But that's not something she can know or control. The pain they feel upon losing her doesn't exist only because she has removed herself from where she might see it and have to acknowledge it.

Do I even exist if other people can't see me?

This phrase is taken to its literal extreme in the finale. But I think it's important to take a step back and really think about what this means on a more human level, especially when it comes to the kinds of struggles that everyone, especially kids that age, are dealing with.

That is to say, even if you literally physically exist and go about the world talking to people going to school eating dinner and so on, if there are parts of you that people don't know about, if there are things inside you that you can't express, you quickly come to the painful realization that to other people, that stuff just doesn't exist. Which means that whole side of you doesn't exist, according to the outside world. And if that side of you encompasses something important about your identity or your experiences, it's hard to not come to the conclusion that the real you, the entirety of your being, doesn't exist to them either. And when you try to tell them about it, or when they notice on their own, but they don't understand or perhaps outright reject it, hasn't some fundamental part of your humanity been erased? In this kind of environment it's easy to start doubting that any of it exists at all. After all, if nobody else will recognize it, you've only got your own word to go on. And that isn't always enough to trust.

And again, keep in mind that this goes both ways. I think Lain's sister is the clearest example which is given by the series. One episode she begins as a character, someone who has thoughts and a personality and so on. By the end of the episode she is reduced to the state that she will stay in for the rest of the series, blank-eyed and senseless. That fully fledged self she had still exists though. Lain just stops being able to see it, so effectively her sister stops existing for her.

Do I even exist if other people can't see me?

When you are isolated you can say anything about yourself. You can say you're nobody, or you're God, or perhaps something even wiser and greater than God. It can feel powerful to start writing your own existence and rationalizing your own isolation, the perceptions of others be damned. You can say well, my parents don't understand me and I stopped being able to connect to my sister, but who cares! Family is just arbitrary biology anyway! What if they aren't even my family at all, and are just plants put in place by a secret organization. I'm not lonely, I'm just seeking a greater truth, a conspiracy that only I can see! I don't make social mistakes, I'm not afraid of hurting anyone, that's the fake me running around out there! But it's not sustainable. Eventually life comes crashing down, whether it be in the form of interference in the material world, or if that mental state with all of its attendant self-spun narratives just finally collapses.

As with most things in this series, Lain's interactions with "God" are written in a very abstract symbolic way. But, the pattern that it follows seems very familiar to me as one of a predatory adult grooming a vulnerable minor. He alternates between gassing Lane up as the most powerful and important being who has ever lived, and then in the next breath saying that she's nothing. In peddling his conspiracy theory narrative of humankind merging with The Wired, of Lain simply being a powerful piece of software meant for Grand Purpose, he feeds into her struggle for identity and the need to be seen and understood by at once validating these feelings and how confusing they are, while reinforcing her isolation and his own dominant grip over defining the shape of the world and society.

When Arisu finds Lain living in filth and comforts her, that is one of the rare moments that the raw, vulnerable, material world Lain, weighed down with no pretenses, pokes her head out. That moment of genuine intimacy that she has been so hungry for this whole time is enough to allow her to retaliate against "God" when he shows up in anger upon being doubted. When Arisu reacts poorly to this sight, though, is when Lain makes her final dive back into her own walled off reality. For as much as she wants to be seen and held and comforted by this girl she loves, it is far more painful for her to have to witness and live with the feeling of rejection and guilt that came from Arisu's fear in the aftermath.

The final image of her father finally expressing the real tenderness she has longed for. The imagined future of Arisu dating her former teacher well into adulthood, because it's the only model of a relationship Lain has ever seen someone want, because her parents certainly don't seem happy, and she herself didn't get anything out of the boy who kissed her. The final statement, "I will always be with you". As with everything in the series, these can be interpreted many ways. But to me it reads unmistakably as the final moments before suicide.

In any case though, after all that, it seems fairly starkly clear why Lain resonates so strongly with trans people. Contrary to the old saying that all happy people are happy the same way, but all miserable people suffer uniquely, this path to despondence is depressingly common. It is the way out that is unique to everyone who finds themselves there. I hate to say it, although I feel very lucky to say that I have survived being in that place many times--which I think is proof that it is possible to get to the other side and make a good life, despite everything-- I think if it had ended any more neatly or more positively, it just wouldn't feel as honest. It captures the depth of that state of being. That's just what it's like. And as heavy as it is to sit with, I get a lot from being able to see something painfully familiar to me reflected in such a raw way. After all that, a happy ending would just feel disingenuous. I mean, that's my life, and any happy ending they could have written just isn't how it went.

[dreamties]

Slashers W/ a Soft Pastel S/O

A/n - So this one actually wasn’t requested, I just thought it would be super cute. And what I mean by “Soft Pastel”, I mean being into soft/pastel/kawaii fashion, I just didn’t know how to phrase it. Since there’s so many subcultures.

Trigger Warning: Slight Cursing (I say f*ck)

Also- these are gender neutral, but a few describe you in skirts/dresses, so if you’re not comfy with that, just skip that part or the whole thing?? :/

I might do more like this for other types of alternative fashion- like punk or something? Or a S/O who has a lot of body mods, I think it would be fun.

Characters: Billy/Stu, The Lost Boys, Helen Lyle, Daniel Robitaille/Candyman, Brahms Heelshire, and Amanda Young.

I didn’t add Michael Myers, but can do so if y’all want it. I just think he’d be very indifferent about it...didn’t think that would be very fun to read.

Billy Loomis + Stu Macher

Stu would be the most like into your outfits

Billy? Not so much. he just thinks you look cute in everything.

but if you did more guro-kawaii looks? they would both be all over that shit. 

it combines more of the grotesque in with the cute- which is just perfect for the boys. they get to see you dawned in all sorts of blood, guts/gore, bandage patterns/aesthetics.

and maybe even tying in different monster-ish elements. 

like wearing funky white or other unnatural colored contacts, really intense makeup(especially around the eyes), and fuck it, maybe you’re wearing faux demon horns.

I think they’d find it kinda hot. if we’re being perfectly honest here.

Now- would you able to get them into it as well?

Stu will ask you, with excitement reverberating throughout out his body and his voice. of course he want’s to at least try it!

so many clips in Stu’s hair. you haven’t even had that many in your hair before!

he may also wear rings sometimes. he thinks all the colors and designs are just so fun!

and on the other hand...

Billy, the guy that basically wore the same outfit for an entire movie? who’s closet only contains jeans and white t-shirts? trying out your style? i don’t think so lol

if you do- somehow- get him to try...

then you might have pressured him into it a bit? very jokingly, of course. 

“C’mon, humor me, babe. Stu’s already dressed and everything!” You try giving him puppy eyes to seal the deal.

“Fine!” Billy says, grabbing the garment and a few clips from your hands. He shuts the door too harshly behind him.

A short silence is shared, before you and Stu burst out laughing. “Do you think he’s mad at us?” You’re hardly able to get it out. Of course he was, but in his own odd way appreciated this adventure.

He comes back a moment later, his white t-shirt replaced with a pastel red one, an especially gory character printed on the front. and a red clip barely hanging on to one of the side pieces of hair in front of his face. You try to suppress a giggle at Billy’s messily put together look.

for the love of gosh- don’t actually laugh when he appears. he is very outside of his comfort zone, and he’s only doing this because he loves you and Stu, and just,, don’t add this to his list of reasons not to try new things.

whatever your reaction ends up being, you’re absolutely obligated to tell them how attractive they look in it(even Billy who looks hella dorky).

(my art)

The Lost Boys

the comparison between their dark, punk-ish style and then the sweet baby pinks and blues, and soft lavenders that adorned your form?? 

it’s just too sweet.

they are completely enamored by your style- even if certain vampires (and I’m not naming any names, but I definitely mean David) may not show his love for your look as openly

Marko- he’d get one cutesy patch for his jacket, so he has like a little piece of you everywhere he goes. also...he genuinely ended up really digging your style? but not enough to abandon his punk look completely. he is still totally dedicated to that.

the other boys will absolutely mess with him about the patch though

all in good fun!

David’s not letting you near his hair with any extra clips or accessories. 

Dwayne enjoys the quiet intimacy shared between the two of you. just sitting together, you might be styling his hair( super loose ponytail or braid- admit it, it would be so cute! and helpful so his hair isn’t always in his face!)...anyways, you’d use a colorful hair tie, and a few clips to help pin back his hair. 

he probably won’t go out with the clips in, but if it’s just the five of you at the cave? he’ll keep it in until it’s time to sleep. 

he loves seeing how happy and accomplished you look after finishing with his hair tho.

Paul is hands down the most likely to get into the whole look and go out in public with it on. 

makeup? hell yeah. it won’t be as intense as yours, and he probably only does the eyes and maybe some shine. sparkly vampire time

hair accessories? all of them

would try combining his look with yours, to have a perfect mess of it.

a light, light  blue mesh top, slightly darker blue jacket(with slight accents in pink, purple, white or black), and his usual sort of white jeans(?) would still look great with it. he’s absolutely rocking that look.

you are ecstatic to finally have someone else to share your passion with! (much harder to find similar folks when you’re a vampire,,)

Helen Lyle

she’s so used to the plain life around her, and she’d been living before you- you were such a breath of fresh air.

of course, you’re darling personality also drew her into you- but your fashion sense? it fascinated her.

she’s not trying it herself anytime soon, but she appreciates the fact that you enjoy it. 

the most she would ever try is a very natural makeup look. and a coat or two of a pastel color of her choice.

she would love watching you get ready. not so much help out though- she just likes seeing the way you approach things. how you choose to pair certain pieces with one another.

she’ll ask questions to better understand your interests! not that it’s weird or wrong that you’re into it, she’s just a very inquisitive person.

you’d wear a lot of blue though- because you know Helen likes that color.

imagine wearing coordinated looks for different events and such. so, when you go with Helen to help out with her Candyman thesis, you might wear candy-themed attire. (of course in this universe,, she wouldn’t die! so no worries of that! you get to keep you’re gf).

if you do gift her something, she keeps it on her bedside table(or dresser). so she can still admire it, and still serves a purpose. fun décor!

all around though- Helen would be very chill, but captivated, about you’re interests.

Daniel Robitaille - Candyman

 his life is so dark and gruesome, and he loves seeing you all dressed up. 

and while he’s dead- long dead- and isn’t really apart of the world in the same sense that you are- it gives him this happy sense of hope for the world.

because there’s this very small thing, that you hold close to your heart, that makes you smile.

Also!!

even if they’re apart of a super awful, traumatic, part of his past- the bees are just a part of the family now.  

so cute yellow/spring/bee themed outfits?? yes. ohh definitely, yes.

As for him dressing up? He’d feel hesitant.

he’s filled with immense joy around you, but is almost scared with someone altering part of his attire or self in any way(rooted back to, again, past stuff).

but part of loving is to take the person as a whole, bad parts, good parts- insecurities- the entire package. and trusting one another.

he has his whole faith in you not to do anything bad.

and so, it becomes a habit for the two of you to spend mornings together, chatting and getting ready. well, you’re getting ready, it’s more for the quality time together for him.

things are little different for Daniel. for many reasons. 

one, he has very short hair. so the clips don’t really work there..

two- he only has one hand, and he’s “working” a lot with the appendages he does have. rings won’t work out because they might fall off- and he’d hate to lose something of yours.

three- he’s not a big makeup fan. he’s happy enough watching you put it on.

and then for his actual attire- he needs the coat to cover his insides. it’s also, in a way, his uniform.

you’ve settled on two things.

making homemade necklaces that can easily hide under his big coat (either sweets or honey/bee themed).

and sewing little patterns on the inside of his coat. other’s wouldn’t be able to see it, but he would know it’s there.

Brahms Heelshire

imagine being super into sorta ‘sweet lolita’, pastel/soft colors, bows, the big skirts, all the sorta ruffles(?)

 and then especially if your shorter than Brahms(which is really,, not hard to do unless you’re insanely tall cause he’s,, 6 foot 3.)- and he thinks you look like such a doll? 

but like,, in a nice way. 

I think he’d get pretty excited if he got to help you set up your outfits!

especially if you praised him for picking out a good combo, or organizing correctly.

and some of Brahms movements are a bit awkward, he’s spent most of his life in the walls and the attic...but imagine turning on his music, and just dancing with him. having him twirl you in his arms a few times.

Brahms loves having your hands through his hair. and if hair accessories means he gets more of that love and attention? then yes,, yes he will wear them.

he just likes feeling taken care of, and along with your usual duties, you help him figure out the soft fashion styles, and how to make it more appealing and suitable for his own tastes.

because- as you insist- you want it to be something he enjoys just because he does, and not just for the closeness. though you can’t deny you love that aspect, too.

i can tell you one thing right here, though. you’re never getting makeup on him. he does not like taking off his mask, even if you’ve been in a relationship with him for a while, he still hides his face a lot.

you’d offered to do his makeup once, since he was staring so intently as you did yours. you’d made the mistake of reaching for his mask. you’d usually ask before doing so, but sometimes you’d slip up.

You apologize profusely, offering your arms out to him for a hug. “There, there, Brahms.” You smile, giving him a slight squeeze of affection. 

he does take your stuff sometimes. 

it’s a little annoying when you think you’ve lost your favorite accessory or dress or etc and then you just realize,, oh, it’s my favorite wall boy again. thank gosh you love him, so you’re not really upset or anything.

he just likes having little reminders of you, it gives him reassurance. upon other warm and fuzzy feelings.

if you’re able to find time in your day though, you’ll make cute little trinkets or bracelets for him. you’ll gift them or purposely leave them out for him-  so you’ll still have some of your stuff when it comes to getting ready the next day.

in short- he’d much rather look at you than partake on his own. 

Amanda Young

she’s never seen anything like this! :0

everyone she knows, herself included, tend to wear more dulled, plain clothes.

she’s immediately very intrigued by your attire...sort of want’s to try it, but is a bit self conscious and embarrassed to ask.

So!! you start out with small things, and fairly early on you both realize that she loves when you decorate her hair with accessories. 

gifting Amanda a pair of little pig clips!!

or little stud earrings- those would be fricking adorable on her!

and she’s just so happy,, wtf

you dress mostly for yourself, but the more you’re in a relationship with your gf- the more you want to dress for her as well. 

you can see this little sparkle in her eye when she sees you, and you want to keep seeing that look for as long as you can.

you slowly get her into it. your relationship and Amanda’s interest in your style just gives her so much light in an otherwise dim world.

if she did get into it, I think she’d do more creepy/cute. as a way to sort of cope with past trauma. that this sort of “bad” thing (the creepy) can still coexist with the good (the cute). she admires that quality.

just very sweet partners, who happen to love similar types of fashion 

[dxppercxdxver]

A Note on the Use of Distance, Or: The Evolution of Nines's and Gavin's Relationship as Seen Through Body Language and Physical Proximity, Or: Sparrow Writes 6k About DE That Is Literally Just a Narrative Analysis

Apologies in advance, this is gonna be a long one. If you stick to it and read the whole thing, I will love you forever. (Also, @domlerrys, I’m tagging you because we talk about meta a lot and I think you’ll like this.)

And Michelle, I’m sorry for the length, but there’s just so much to talk about, I had to. Also, “brevity” is not in my vocabulary. Oops. (I’m also sure you know most of this already, but I had a blast analyzing this.)

So, it’s been about a month, and I think it’s about time I typed up some of my thoughts about the use of distance in Detroit Evolution. (For those of you who haven’t seen it yet, 1) What are you doing? 2) Go check it out, it’s a beautiful feature fan film made by the lovely people at @octopunkmedia, and if you like good ace representation, I think you’ll like it.)

To give us the proper background, let’s establish our characters’ relationships with touch. (For those of you who’ve seen the movie, you know this. This is just for our friends who are unaware.)

RK900, or Nines, is very asexual. Not necessarily touch-repulsed, but touch-uninterested, unless it’ll make somebody else happy (namely, Gavin).

Gavin Reed is allosexual, but has a long, complicated history of abuse and psychological manipulation, most of it revolving around intimacy, and, as such, is extremely touch-repulsed. He does not allow people to get close to him.

Throughout the film, they’re very careful to keep physical distance between them, and if they’re forced to be close together, their body language is usually very closed off. Which lends this sense of relief to a pivotal moment in the film later. The very important exceptions are the moments in the Zen Garden, and moments of extreme duress.

Let’s break it down scene by scene.

We open on the Zen Garden. In this mindscape, we know Nines and Gavin behave as though they’re been married for several years. Their interactions are comfortable and familiar, though entirely imaginary, and this is where the use of touch and distance starts to show. Even though this Gavin does not have any of the same touch aversions as the real world Gavin, he keeps his distance from Nines, and Nines, in turn, does the same. When Gavin greets him, he’s standing ten or so feet away; when they walk together, Nines hangs back, and the both of them keep their hands in their pockets, avoiding direct eye contact. Obviously, any more romantic gestures are kept offscreen for audience suspense, but still, what’s shown is equally important. The two main exceptions to this rule are when Gavin reaches out to adjust Nines’s collar and when Nines reaches out to touch Gavin’s face. However, even when Gavin is unbuttoning Nines’s shirt, his arms are perfectly straight, leaving about two feet of space between them, and when Nines cups Gavin’s cheek, it’s not really a romantic gesture. It’s almost a reverential one, and he still leaves about a foot between them. This may not seem like a lot, but considering that this is Nines’s ideal world and even his deepest desires leave that space between them, it reveals how much relative distance matters with these two.

Onto the next scene. Protest. We start in the car, with Nines staring straight ahead, avoiding Gavin’s gaze. Gavin only touches Nines to shock him out of his trance with a gentle slap, then turns his body forward, effectively closing himself off. He maintains this distance, even straying almost twenty feet in front of Nines on their walk up. Here’s another major exception, a moment of extreme duress: Gavin takes Nines’s hand and guides him through the crowd, despite the fact that Nines could easily surpass any one of the protestors in a fight. Even here, however, Gavin keeps his back turned and does not make eye contact. For all he physically reaches out, emotionally, he’s incredibly closed off. Same deal inside Jericho; table between them, avoiding eye contact, careful distance. And even in a more lighthearted moment of banter (Nines mimicking Gavin’s delivery), Chris is standing between them as a physical mediator, and he remains between them the whole scene.

Onto the D.P.D. and the famous first instance of “I hate you.” “You love me.”!

When Nines brings Gavin his coffee, his body language is very open: arms spread, standing over Gavin. However, Nines is also intensely aware of his partner’s issues regarding physical proximity, and quickly draws away, clasping his hands behind his back and retreating ever so slightly to give Gavin his space. Once Nines has spun Gavin’s feet out of the way, they are closer, yes, but Gavin’s back is turned and Nines is careful not to lean in too close over his shoulder. They’re very closed off, and remain this way for much of the scene, never directly facing one another. Gavin stands up, spins counterclockwise to keep his back to Nines until he’s behind Nines, at which point he’s in control of the situation and flips Nines off. When they speak face to face, Gavin’s legs are kicked up on the table or he’s using the coffee mug as a sort of psychological shield. Nothing direct, nothing open.

STAKEOUT! This is a really good example of something Michelle does—that isn’t like other romance movies —that I really love. A common thing in a lot of romance movies is that “almost kiss,” but in a movie like this, where the main romance emphasizes a mental connection over a physical one, that sort of play would feel cheap and out of place. Which is why I love the stakeout scene so damn much. The stakeout is the perfect time for an “almost kiss” moment, BUT! What we get instead is so much better, with two people desperate to let their feelings out but too scared to fully voice them. So you get this awkward dance of them abstracting the concept and refusing to look at one another, deliberately avoiding eye contact. Both of them are faced forward and stay solidly in their seats, leaving as much space as they can allow, and the only times they look toward one another, the other is looking away. They can’t say what they feel unless there’s that protective bubble of space between them. So you get an “almost confessing I like you” scene, with beautiful moments of almost closing that physical distance, but instead staying firmly planted in their seats until Lazzo arrives. Even when Gavin and Nines are forced to be close together, they maintain a healthy distance between them, and their “almost kiss” is swapped out for an “almost admitting I have feelings” moment. (Plus, a bonus of great asexual dialogue, yay!)

Lazzo’s scene isn’t that notable, other than Nines’s and Gavin’s hands brushing on Lazzo’s shoulder, but again, Lazzo is between them and they’re focused on other things. Still got that distance.

The infamous jacket drape, one of the moments Nines breaks the pattern of distance. Gavin is still facing away from him, yes, but Nines deliberately reaches out to touch him in a non-invasive way, one of the only times he does so. Progress! Still a one-sided gesture, though, and even the height difference emphasizes the space between them, with Nines on his feet and Gavin slumped in a chair. Still not breaking that “arm’s length” amount they’ve set. (Tying this into the @high-on-otps‘s analysis about moments of vulnerability occurring when Gavin’s wearing fewer layers, Nines seeing Gavin in just a t-shirt and gifting him his jacket takes on a whole new meaning, with Nines almost stepping in to protect Gavin’s heart. Anyway, that’s a thought for another day.) On another note, this is also one of the two main instances where you see one of these two fools being open only because they think the other won’t notice: just a selfless gesture they don’t want to have to dwell on.

Now! Onto Gavin’s house, where the pattern starts to change. It’s a great way to track the progression of their relationship. They start out separated, with Nines pulled into himself, tablet held out, and Gavin hiding behind his computer, avoiding Nines’s eyes. However, I think this is when Gavin’s starting to realize that he might have feelings for Nines and the reverse might be true (hence his moment of contemplation in the car after he notes the parallel uses of the word “charming” as applying to him and Nines’s possible love interest), and being as tired as he is, his inhibitions are not necessarily gone, but at least hampered. So he allows himself to get close physically, and sort of mentally as well. He’s conflicted, and that’s written all over him, as he puts himself right up against Nines to steal his tablet, but also refuses to look him in the eye and quickly moves to stand up later. This conflict is also incredible to watch in general, but you can see his overwhelming desire to get closer and his defense mechanisms battling in his mind in how he sits: pressed up against Nines’s side, but none of his body overlaps with Nines’s at all, and he doesn’t look at him. Nines makes the first move, leaning his head almost onto Gavin’s shoulder, but not quite. They’re still not there yet. Of course, once Gavin leaves, he keeps his back turned, meeting Nines’s eyes once, for a split second, before entering his room and shutting the door. (And tosses him some gym shorts, of course, because nothing says “I love you” like “hey, you can borrow these sleep shorts.”)

Reentering Nines’s mindscape, we see a little more conflict from his end. (I love how we actually get visual representation of Nines’s internal conflict, while Gavin’s can only be gleaned from how he moves and holds himself. It’s a nice contrast. Frankly, I adore it. Good writing.) Once again, there’s still a fair amount of space between Nines and Zen Gavin, as Nines is burying his feelings in his work. The closest Zen Gavin comes is right behind Nines to talk about what Gavin might have been about to say before walking into his room, but he doesn’t make eye contact, and moves away quite quickly. When he is open and actually making direct eye contact, he’s standing over five feet away, and Nines deliberately turns away. You see? It’s a visual metaphor for the growing emotional tension! Yay!

Nightmare time! This is one of those moments of extreme duress I was talking about!! Also one of my favorite scenes! This is the first time, in the whole film, where all three of these criteria are present: physical proximity, open body language, and direct eye contact. Nines is holding Gavin’s arms, Gavin meets Nines’s eyes, and Gavin’s arms are spread out, not crossed over his chest or in front of his face. Obviously, this moment only lasts a second, as Gavin quickly moves Nines’s arms away, Nines backs up, and Gavin averts his eyes, but for an important beat, that distance was closed, only to be reopened again. Then, of course, they have their “should I stay” moment, where Gavin is sending mixed signals: body is turned toward Nines, but he looks away repeatedly, and Nines is standing a respectful distance away, waiting for permission to come closer or leave. Eventually, Gavin verbally and physically opens himself up: while he avoids looking directly at Nines, he keeps his arms at his sides and doesn’t turn away (huge steps for someone like Gavin), and as for Nines, he does the opposite, maintaining direct eye contact, but turning his body away to give Gavin the space he needs without pressuring him. When Gavin finally welcomes Nines into his bed, he’s making a huge step in his own personal growth. Similar to the couch setup from earlier, except reversed, with Gavin initiating the touch, and with two crucial differences: Nines and Gavin make the briefest of eye contact as they lean in (a silent agreement of “yes, this is a thing we’re doing”) and their bodies overlap. There is an intimate touch in the way they hold hands, fingers interlaced, instead of sitting ramrod straight side by side without making a conscious decision to reach out to the other. Add Nines retracting his skin on top of it, and you get an extremely psychologically open moment. A moment of duress, a moment of comfort (but they still aren’t facing each other yet, and the way it is now, it’s almost like Gavin’s afraid to acknowledge it, to believe it’s real).

NEXT MORNING. Hoo boy this one was a doozy, because it takes the openness of the night before and turns it on its head, twisting and distorting it. Gavin, before he’s awake, displays very physically open body language: spread out on his blankets, arms thrown out to the side up, stomach up. Nines is almost equally so, keeping his arms open as he hands Gavin his coffee and turning more towards him as he sits on Gavin’s bed. But Gavin, regretting the choices he made the previous night, avoids eye contact, curls into himself, and takes the earliest opportunity to put his back to Nines and retreat into the closet. His whole demeanor radiates “get away from me,” but of course, Nines hasn’t picked that up yet. So he presses a little closer, and Gavin makes his point by getting up in Nines’s space, but very deliberately avoiding looking at him and still keeping a couple feet of space. When Nines feels Gavin mentally retreating, he pushes his luck by abusing his commanding presence to intimidate Gavin into cooperation (drawing himself up to his whole height and putting his face right in Gavin’s eye-line). And what does Gavin do? When Nines gets in his space ("I'm not leaving just because you regret having acted like a person"), Gavin makes direct, meaningful eye contact (something he almost never does) and is facing Nines (another big thing), but every part of him screams "get away." In particular, the hands raised in front of his chest like a shield. The whole pose is supposed to look aggressive but every goddamn part of it belies him going into defensive mode. It's FASCINATING. He’s trying to intimidate Nines into leaving him alone because he is so scared of what Nines has seen and what he knows now. This conflict of wanting to accept Nines’s help and push him away is so clearly demonstrated in how part of his body language is geared toward Nines (the eye contact) and how part of is is blocking Nines from coming any closer (his raised hands). He holds this eye contact until Nines leaves.

The next time we see Gavin is back at Jericho, and anyone can sense the tension coming off these two (except, apparently, Chris Miller). They keep a table’s worth of distance between them. Nines, clearly still feeling snubbed from the night before, makes very pointed looks in Gavin’s direction; they’re barbed, full of accusation, very uncharacteristic of Nines, but Gavin did just tell him to wipe his memory, so he definitely believes it’s justified. Gavin avoids eye contact wherever possible, simply because he does not want to deal with this shit right now. I don’t know if he does this consciously, but after Nines’s reference to “last night,” he tucks his hand in his pocket, perhaps an unconscious recoil from Nines’s act of intimacy (holding hands), suppressing that. Cut to them standing in the hallway, Gavin is standing with his arms crossed, looking away, while Nines leans in closer with a much more open stance. He continues probing and Gavin shuts him out entirely, not even deigning to look at him properly before turning his back and walking away. This is one of the tensest moments of their relationship, where Nines is trying to build up the trust they had and Gavin is feeling hurt and betrayed and confused and is falling back on his coping mechanism of shutting people out. The physical distance and body language between them reflects that.

Onto Burn’s Alley! This whole setup is interesting; it’s a social situation in which Gavin and Nines are almost required to interact, as they have a shared obligation to make Chris’s promotion party a pleasant experience, but the tension from the previous night is definitely still bleeding into their conversation. Although they’re crowded around the same table, they put several people between them and focus intently on their drinks and their other friends, never directly addressing one another and avoiding eye contact (again, this movie might as well be subtitled “the one where Nines and Gavin can never actually look at each other for one goddamn second”). Once Ada arrives, Nines makes fast excuses and leaves the conversation, at which point they go back to their previous dance of throwing longing glances at one another when the other isn’t watching. Very good, much yearning. More internal conflict, Gavin can’t deal with his own warring desires of apologizing and running away, so he retreats outside, and Nines follows because now’s his chance to rebuild that trust he lost.

I’m classifying the alley argument as a whole new section because it’s honestly a caliber all its own and deserves a separate analysis. The use of distance here is so good. Nines, though eager to be allowed back into Gavin’s space, is respectful of his partner’s boundaries and situates himself across the alley, though his posture is more open, with his hands behind his back and a gentle lean forward (though this openness is quickly shut down once Gavin snaps at him, you can see Nines’s face fall, and it hurts). Gavin, on the other hand, is violently looking away, body turned in a completely different direction; every part of his posture is unapproachable. And as the argument progresses, we get more of that weaponized distance closing. When Gavin snaps at Nines (”Don’t bother.”), he finally makes eye contact, even keeping his posture more open (arms at his sides, face toward Nines, body mostly angled toward Nines), so Nines is, for the first time, able to properly see all the hurt Gavin’s been bottling up. And Nines steps closer. But, his hackles are raised, shoulders tensed, arms clenched tightly at his sides. They’re both spilling their hearts out, but it’s bitter and cruel and even at their closest, there’s still a foot and a half of space between their chests. When Gavin spits smoke in Nines’s face, the recoil is immediate, and Nines takes his leave of Gavin as Gavin turns away from Nines again. Once again, in a moment of emotional duress, they get closer and closer, but never quite close that gap, but this time, like that morning, the openness is weaponized and aggressive, with Gavin trying to force Nines away by saying “This is me, this is all you’re gonna get, so you might as well run” and Nines trying to get back in by saying “I don’t care, you will listen to me and you will let me care for you.” But because of the violent mannerisms, it backfires. And then the distance grows again.

Watching Nines walk Ada home from the bar, Gavin keeps a huge amount of distance between himself and Nines, both because he doesn’t want to be spotted and because he can’t bring himself to come any closer. With his hood up and hands in his pockets, he’s at his most closed off of the film, and because Nines’s back is to him, it’s obvious to see he’s being shut out, or at least feels like he is. At this moment in time, Ada is the literal and metaphorical wedge between them. Her presence is keeping them apart.

Alley ambush time. This scene. Oh man this scene. Aside from the blatantly romantic reunion scene and balcony scene, this scene has about the most touch and is a perfect narrative foil to Gavin’s nightmare. (I can’t believe I just realized that now, while I was typing this. Michelle, you are a goddamn genius, every major moment has a companion, mirrored moment; Nines giving Gavin his jacket, Gavin doing his speech to Nines and leaving his jacket there; Nines comforting Gavin after his nightmare of dying alone, Gavin comforting Nines and staying by his side to ensure he doesn’t die alone; parallel confessions in the car; of course, “I hate you” “You love me,” there’s the obvious parallel; Gavin initiating a kiss in the reunion, Nines being the one to move first on the balcony; they each get their own moment to shine in the same context and it is beautiful. Hats off to you, Michelle Iannantuono, really. Okay, back to the plot.) Gavin’s body language is at the most vulnerable it’s been all film, because Nines is in danger and he’s panicking. But even with his hands cupped around Nines’s face, Gavin keeps a little bit of distance, that same bare minimum “arm’s length” we see so many times. And the questions he asks are non-invasive, once he realizes that mentioning Ada just freaks Nines out, and then the questions just turn to pleas: “Don’t fall asleep.” Only after Nines falls unconscious does Gavin allow himself to get any closer, but even then he doesn’t let himself be face to face with Nines. The first thing Gavin does is turn Nines’s back to him, forcing that emotional distance, the exception being the arm slung across Nines’s chest to keep him upright. This is the closest they’ve been, other than after Gavin’s nightmare, and Gavin is still keeping that emotional distance by deliberately pushing Nines away from him.

Onto CyberLife. Here’s the other instance where they’re only open when they believe the other won’t know. This shit also hurt like a motherfucker because Gavin’s internal conflict is at its peak here. You can see he’s having a, for lack of a better word for it, “deathbed” moment; a sort of “now or never” feeling. He’s terrified of acknowledging how he feels, much less verbalizing those feelings to the man he loves, but at the same time, he’s worried that if he doesn’t do it now, he may never get a chance. And this is demonstrated wonderfully in how Gavin approaches Nines (and, once again, he’s down to one layer of clothing, just a simple t-shirt). At first, he hangs back from Nines’s hospital bed, looking anywhere but Nines’s face, and talking about how they need Nines for the case; vague, impersonal, dancing around the topic. Until Tina knocks on the window, basically giving him silent permission to switch tracks entirely. It’s at this point that Gavin closes some distance and parallels Nines’s earlier gesture after his nightmare, when Nines reached out to hold his hand; he reaches out and places his hand over Nines’s. (Also, another brilliant parallel? Nines reaching out to touch Gavin when he’s at his lowest point—after his nightmare—and holding his hand, basically saying “I accept you,” and Gavin reaching out to Nines when he’s at his most vulnerable—doubly powerful because Nines’s skin is deactivated and Gavin used to hate androids, so seeing him like this is his truest form—at the hospital, basically saying “I accept you.” God. Poetic cinema, my dudes.) Even moves the chair closer. And then he finally looks Nines in the face and spills his heart and soul out to him, piece by piece. And even when the heart monitor starts beeping, he doesn’t pull away. He keeps his hand firmly planted, only scoots back in the chair for a moment to check the machines, before immediately pulling back in and deliberately staying close, which, for somebody who has as toxic a relationship with touch as he does, is massive. (And, as we saw from the deleted scene, he felt safe enough to fall asleep on Nines’s bed. He looked at this shitty situation and said “I trust him” and put his goddamn head on Nines’s arm and fell asleep. Like. FUCK.)

And now, Nines’s corrupted Zen Garden. This is one of the most powerful moments of the film. In the past, Nines has almost never been the one to initiate contact with Zen Gavin, it’s always been the other way around (Gavin fixing Nines’s collar, Gavin approaching him while he’s analyzing the case), with the notable exception being Nines reaching out to cup Gavin’s cheek. But he’s internalized Gavin’s touch sensitivities so much that even his mind palace version displays the same behaviors, only initiating touch when he’s comfortable. Nines doesn’t violate Zen Gavin’s space either, lets Gavin decide what’s okay. And this is where he breaks that pattern. In his panic, Nines rushes forward without thought to envelope Gavin in a desperate hug— and is met with empty air. The minute Nines tries to reverse their dynamic is when he’s deprived of Gavin’s touch. Because of Ada’s meddling, Nines can no longer interact with this perfect world he’s constructed, and Gavin is, once again, just out of reach. Nine spends the rest of the conversation with his body language painfully open, pleading with Gavin to stay using everything but his words, and I think it speaks goddamn volumes that when he finally agrees to delete him, there is no grand gesture. Nines doesn’t swoop in and kiss Zen Gavin goodbye, nor does he hug him, or even say a proper farewell. He simply nods, turns his back, and walks away, and Gavin, after a moment’s lag, swivels his head to watch, with a soft smile on his face. Nines has realized that this Zen Gavin is a fool’s errand that he cannot hope to sustain, and his last act before wiping him entirely is to metaphorically say “I am done with you. I am walking away and I am not looking back and I am saying goodbye.” Which is so goddamn powerful, I cannot.

Okay. The moment we’ve all been waiting for.

The reunion scene.

This scene hits so much harder because all the previous scenes have kept so much distance between the two protagonists. If there had been more instances of close proximity earlier in the film, I don’t think this scene would carry the same weight it did, but as such, up until this point, there’s always been at least a foot or two of space between Gavin and Nines (and in the instances of them touching, they’re either side by side and not looking at each other or front to back and not looking at each other). But I digress, let’s get into it properly.

Setup time! Gavin’s still in just his t-shirt, Nines is in Gavin’s jacket (Narrative foil from earlier, baby!), and tensions are high. Brushing past all of Tina and Chris’s intervening dialogue, let’s talk physicality. Gavin fucking freezes the minute Nines is in the room, arms held at his sides, the most open his stance has ever been when Nines was awake to see it. Nines, in turn, also keeps his hands to the side. Gavin, disbelieving, takes a step forward, but because he’s also terrified as fuck that Nines heard him and will reject him, he holds out a halfway defensive arm, though there’s not much conviction in it, as its merely held halfway up and doesn’t cross in front of his torso at all. Nines continues to approach, although slowly, so as not to scare Gavin off, because Nines cares so much for Gavin and the last thing he needs is to make him panic, not when something this monumental is at stake. Gavin, with even more internal conflict, continues his approach, daring to hope that maybe this will turn out okay, until Nines says “I heard you.” The realization that Nines essentially saw the deepest darkest parts of him makes Gavin take a step back, but he also maintains the eye contact they’ve been holding; the subtle balance between “I want to run because holy fuck he saw too much, but also I want to stay because I think it might be it this time” is so gorgeous. Of course, once Nines makes it clear that he isn’t running, even though he heard Gavin’s entire confession, Gavin gets slightly more confident and moves forward again. Drawing from the BTS footage as well, you can see Gavin’s hands are clenched the entire time, until he makes it to Nines, when he can finally let go. And finally, with a cognizant mind, they close that distance, leaving mere inches from one another. Gavin reaches out to touch Nines’s hand, feeling his pulse, before gently turning over Nines’s hand so he can feel Gavin’s pulse. Nines, reflecting his earlier gesture, connects Zen Gavin to this Gavin by reaching out to cup Gavin’s face. And then they close that gap entirely and kiss. But it gets even better because, though Nines prods, it’s ultimately Gavin that makes the first move, and I think it always had to to be. Because Nines always lets Gavin move on his own time, even if he steers him in the right direction, occasionally. It would feel wrong if Nines moved first, because he doesn’t need to kiss for romance, but is willing to do so if Gavin wants, and the way this is done, it’s so clear that Gavin wants. This is just a testament to the amazing actors for portraying this so clearly (I know this scene’s been analyzed seven ways to Sunday, but like. The way Gavin’s eyebrows furrow up in the sheer desperation to be closer? The gentle sigh of relief from Nines? The single spin of the LED from yellow to blue the instant they connect? The way Gavin, someone who hates being touched, chases the fucking kiss as Nines pulls away? Like?? Incredible???). And even better, this whole scene is very much a give and take, as both characters let down the barriers they have built up.

Let me put it this way. Nines’s greatest treasure is his mind, and he protects it fiercely for fear of abuse. Gavin’s greatest treasure is his bodily autonomy, and as such, he protects himself from unwanted touch for fear of that autonomy being taken away. And this kiss is such a dialogue of back and forth, give and take. Nines exposes his mind (”I heard you. ‘A force you can’t live without’?” and of course, “You love me.”), opening up his most vulnerable part of himself. Gavin responds in kind by exposing his physicality, by taking Nines’s hand. Nines, once again, exposes his mind by copying his gesture from Zen Gavin, bringing to light one of his most closely guarded secrets and connecting his mind to his real world experiences. And Gavin exposes his touch, once more, by being the one to initiate the kiss.

If you’ll allow me to circle back to the parallel hand-holding from earlier, it ties into this idea of “mind vs. body.” When Nines takes Gavin’s hand after his nightmare, he is demonstrating that he accepts Gavin’s mind. Nines, who values intellect and personality above all else, demonstrates that he loves Gavin for his mind and not his body here, saying “I accept you and your mind, no matter how flawed you think it is.” Gavin, on the other hand, not only has a rough history with androids, but a rough history with physicality. When he takes Nines’s hand at CyberLife, Gavin is demonstrating that he accepts Nines’s body as it is—metal and plastic and synthskin, not flesh and bone—basically saying “I accept you and your body, no matter how flawed you think it is.” They are able to accept the closely guarded facets of one another in moments of heightened emotion and I think that’s incredible.

And after the reunion, the body language is so different. Nines willingly gets up in Gavin’s space without Gavin pushing him away (leaning over him to discuss how to track Ada down), and, of course, gives him his jacket back. Outside Ada’s warehouse, they stand much closer together, nearly touching on the hood of the car, and even make much more deliberate eye contact, shying away less. But what I really like about it is that they don’t do a total 180. That’s not how recovery works. Gavin’s still facing away from Nines during the briefing, Gavin and Nines are closer on the hood, yes, but neither Nines nor Gavin reach out a hand to touch. They’re making little baby steps and it’s wonderful.

Last but not least, the balcony. The culmination of all this.

Despite all they’ve been through, Gavin and Nines still hold distance between themselves on the balcony, though they’re a little freer with the direct eye contact and body language. Gavin’s arms are no longer crossed in front of him, he actually looks toward Nines a lot more. Nines is leaned up against the railing, facing Gavin and meeting his gaze, though you can tell Nines is bothered because his arms are crossed in front of him, preventing him from being totally open. And when he starts to say something that sounds like regret, Gavin also crosses his arms in a defensive position, until Nines reassures him that it’s not Gavin, it’s him. At which point, Gavin is the most vocal he’s ever been about his feelings (I think Michelle pointed out this is the one time in the film Gavin even slightly alludes to Nines being attractive, like the dork he is) and assures Nines that he doesn’t need anything sexual to make this relationship be one he wants to pursue. He keeps his body language remarkably open, turning to face Nines entirely and keeping his arms to the side. Nines, upon realizing Gavin means what he says, has his moment of initiating touch and reaches out to cup Gavin’s face again, uncrossing his arms to do so. There’s yet another beautiful genuine moment of connection where the opposite of the original kiss happens: Nines opens up physically (regarding his interfacing), Gavin opens up mentally (flirting with Nines as opposed to just awkwardly touching him), and Nines closes the distance once more, kissing Gavin as the sun sets just out of frame, turning Gavin’s face into the light. Yet another beautiful narrative foil. Stunning. Ideal. (Also, a note on the confession, the fact that this kiss cements the idea that “This won’t be easy, but it will be worth it, because being with you is just better” just kills me every goddamn time. They’re really willing to put in the work to make this relationship work! Which is amazing!) And then they linger, foreheads pressed together, in the most intimate display of affection in the entire movie. Soft smiles, hands on bodies, completely open and vulnerable and free. Just ... content.

All in all, hats off for really emphasizing each character’s troubled relationship with touch and how that carries over into how they behave around one another. From how Gavin uses his hands and other items as shields while making direct eye contact to how Nines lets Gavin come to him and respects his partner’s boundaries so much that even his brain version of him has these same boundaries, the use of distance and touch and their slow journey to getting physically closer in the spaces they occupy is a fantastic way of showing the progression of their relationship and I consider it an honor to get to see this story unfold. The fact that Nines’s journey would be meaningless without Gavin’s to mirror it and amplify it and vice versa is testimony to the incredible writing showcased here. Bravo to the cast and crew, really.

Tl;dr (and honestly, I wouldn’t blame you) The moments of intimacy only carry as much weight as they do because in every scene prior to them Gavin and Nines hold meaningful distance between them and the only times they break that subliminal pattern are in times of extreme stress or vulnerability.

[smilepal]

Uncommon questions : 2, 9, 18 + B, F ♥

Ask meme for @gloryride 💖💖

2.) How easy is it for your character to laugh?

Hiro laughs pretty easily--whether it's at his own jokes or not, and enjoys casual banter with his friends--especially if they can handle good-natured teasing. He's good at keeping it relatively light, knowing not to go too far/doesn't actually want to make them feel bad. He also uses it to cover up more negative feelings, if you seem easygoing/like you don't care, or always have a rebuttal, then people don't pry as much, and he can hide personal feelings more easily. Regardless, he enjoys being able to get a genuine laugh out of his friends, and it's something he always appreciates in others. If someone seems super serious, he's likely to try to get them to loosen up a bit--see if he can't help break that shell a tiny bit.

9.) Do they swear? Do they remember their first swear word?

Frequently--Hiro's language belongs in the gutter, and he doesn't particularly care who overhears him. He's typically quite casual in his speech patterns, and isn't good at editing them, unless he's being extremely careful or there's good reason. He doesn't remember the first time he swore, but it undoubtedly was something he picked up from his older brother, or the other kids running around. He probably didn't think too much of it, it was easy, expressed displeasure well enough, and stuck around. And it wasn't as if anyone really cared enough to reprimand him. He's definitely the type that actively has to be careful not to swear around children, and definitely slips up on occasion.

18.) What embarrasses them?

Hiro's not easy to embarrass, by traditional means anyway. He's careful to give off an impression of "I don't care what you think of me--take it or leave it" and is not by nature, a self-conscious person. If you actually want to fluster him/see him caught off-guard, genuine affection is a really easy method of doing so. It's not something he accustomed to, especially if he's not the one initiating it. Anything romantic/nice gestures, platonic intimacy--get to him, especially if his response is commented on. If someone else points it out, it usually gets even worse, and he'll have a harder time not responding. It's easy to tell too--he blushes easily, despite the fact that he'll try to deny it. It's hard to miss though, and he knows it. Although it's not something he's used to, he still enjoys casual/sweet affection--he just might be a bit grumbly/sheepish about it.

B.) What inspired you to create them?

Oh boy, I'll try to be concise here but might not be very good at it. Hiro was inspired by me starting to get more into the cyberpunk/sci-fi genre. I'd recently seen Bladerunner for the first time (as well as the sequel) and was really inspired by the aesthetic/ideas behind it, and knew I wanted to create a character who'd fit into a world like that. So Hiro didn't start out as a Cyberpunk 2077 OC, just one who'd fit into a world like that. I'd been working on that specific character for maybe a year and a half before CP came out, and although he's gone through quite a few changes, that's where his general aesthetic/character came from.

His personality changed a lot--he became a lot more sympathetic/more likeable despite his flaws, and developed more depth beyond "rebellious gutter punk". Even after I managed to fit him into the CP universe, he went through some changes, largely inspired by my playstyle and nuances he picked up throughout the game. In my head he'd always been the more stealthy type, not wanted to race directly into combat--and he ended up being the opposite, largely because that was my playstyle in-game (and I had no patience for netrunning/sneaking.) I was also very inspired by the aesthetic in Cyberpunk--especially the tattoos and richness of the surrounding environment. I was at first driven by aesthetic when creating Hiro, and then his backstory/personality/quirks began to shape around this and make him a more unique character. I'm gonna cut myself there, because I will ramble for literally ages, but feel free to ask if you ever have more questions about him--more than happy to talk 💖

F.) What do you feel when you think of your OC (pride, excitement, frustration, etc)?

I'm so proud of him. He's without a doubt the character I've spent the most time on, and put the most detail into, as well as created the most nuanced personality for. He has flaws--bad ones, but still manages to be sympathetic in some ways? And even despite the flaws, he's still good--tries to do the right thing, even if he's not sure what it is, or if it'll matter to anyone else. But yeah, developing him, and spending a lot of time working out his backstory/how he relates to others/all the little details with him has been so enjoyable for me. It especially helped me through quarentine/COVID when I couldn't see people in person and was feeling creatively dead. Even if I couldn't draw/write, I could work on little pinterest boards or character playlists and this helped to satisfy some of the need for something creative/producing something, even if I was the only one who'd see it. He's also the first character I've felt comfortable enough to share with others/on tumblr, and it's also led me to an absolutely lovey, creative, and supportive community. So there's some gratitude there as well, probably wouldn't have met half the people I did otherwise.

Thanks for asking, these were fun (and always happy to ramble about character creation) :3

[ettadunham]

A Buffy rewatch 4x16 Who Are You?

aka ACTING

Welcome to this dailyish text post series where I will rewatch an episode of Buffy and go on an impromptu rant about it for an hour. Is it about one hyperspecific thing or twenty observations? 10 or 3k words? You don’t know! I don’t know!!! In this house we don’t know things.

And you already know that today’s episode is amazing, but let’s talk a bit about the ugly, the bisexual disaster that Faith Lehane is, and how Who Are You? builds on the character arc from This Year’s Girl (that would then go on to continue over at Angel the series).

Let’s start with the fun though, before moving onto the heavy stuff. Like how Tara and Faith essentially gaydar each other - and only one of those is in a metaphorical context.

Well, alright, Tara “sensing” that Buffy is not Buffy is not a perfect fit for this metaphor, but the connection is still there. Tara seems very intuitive, and she previously also “sensed” that Willow had magic - a much more clear use of the metaphor in this context -, so her being aware of Faith has the same association.

Not to mention that we’re pairing this with Faith textually clocking Tara and Willow’s relationship as romantic / sexual just by a few interactions. And you know what, let’s talk a bit about Willow and Tara.

I’m usually listing New Moon Rising as the first episode where the show makes that relationship explicit, but I’m starting to think that that’s not very accurate of me. And I’ll talk about what that episode does when we get there, but the truth is, Who Are You? isn’t doing a lot of hiding behind subtext anymore either.

For one, the interaction with Faith is very explicit in its own. There is no question for the audience about what Faith is inferring between the two, and it’s certainly not played as some funny misunderstanding. We are being told in every conceivable way that Faith made the correct observation - and she’s being a dick about it.

The intimacy and the explicitness of the interactions between Willow and Tara is also dialed up to an impossible degree. There’s the knee touching and the hand holding, and the “I am you know.” “What?” “Yours.”… But then you also have to have them perform a spell that’s so blatantly sexual, that it instantly blows out of the water all of the show’s previous ridiculous sex metaphors (of which there were many).

So yeah, no wonder that Faith immediately picks up on it. She’s there at the Bronze having the time of her life anyway, riling up Spike, and dancing with all the boys and girls around.

It’s the part where she decides to have some more fun outside of the Bronze, that ends up being less fun…

And yes, we’ve got to the ugly section of this post.

Patriarchy and rape culture are kind of big themes on Buffy, as they’re often what the vampires and monsters Buffy’s fighting represent. Outside of that though, we’ve also got three prominent storylines with rape elements.

One is a very explicit rape attempt, and the other two use magical elements to remove informed consent. Faith sleeping with Riley is one of the latter.

I would also argue, that in some ways, this will become perhaps the most problematic of these storylines, as it fails to acknowledge Riley as a victim in the situation. He’ll even be made to feel guilty about it, as Buffy inadvertently blames him for what happened; even as she’s on a conscious level aware of how it’s not fair to him.

So… big old yikes on that.

I’m honestly not sure how to navigate that with Faith’s trauma either, that the scene chooses the focus on instead. But I guess this is one of the things that drew me to this rewatch in the first palce - the idea of having complex discussions about subjects that in the last couple of years, we’ve tried to put objective and absolute stamps on.

And don’t get me wrong - there’s value in that. It draws attention to issues and stigmatizes harmful ideas. But it also removes context, nuance and can lead to dehumanization, that’s helpful to no one. There’s power in refusing to engage with media, characters and people who’s done awful shit, but ignoring the context and circumstances, and leaving those unexamined will likely lead to the same pattern repeating itself in some other shape or form again and again.

…And with that tangent, let’s talk about Faith’s aversion to intimacy and affection.

There are two scenes that best demonstrate this. One is where Joyce hugs Buffy!Faith, and Faith’s face screams pure confusion before she makes a beeline to put some distance between them.

Then there’s the infamous Riley scene.

Faith may be there to use Riley to hurt Buffy, but she’s not ready for the intimacy of the act. We’ve seen before how Faith uses sex often to just let out some steam, and there’s nothing wrong with that between two consenting adults… But physical and emotional intimacy requires trust, and that’s just out of the question with Faith.

So when Riley tells her that he loves her, it becomes too much. She asks Riley who he is, and what he wants from Buffy in such a desperate, broken voice, that it breaks my heart, despite the circumstances of the scene.

You certainly get the sense that Faith doesn’t believe in unconditional love. We know that she didn’t receive any love at home, and that everyone she relied on is either gone or ended up betraying her trust. And that also explains her relationship with the Mayor. He showed her care and affection, sure, but also subscribed to Faith’s idea of how the world works, with the way he always asked something in return.

The Mayor’s love for Faith was conditional on her getting the job done for her and following his orders and instructions. It was something she was able understand.

Someone showing honest affection without any caveat just makes Faith suspicious. Who are they? What do they want from her?

Faith’s biggest issue however, remains to be her self-hatred throughout this episode. As she’s had her wishes from Enemies finally fulfilled, and she now has everything that was Buffy’s, she’s starting to distance herself from her own persona.

It’s an interesting progression too. At first, Faith mostly mocks Buffy from her own body, in a way that’s almost deconstructing Buffy’s character. But then… she slowly starts to disappear in the role. The scene where she first fantasizes about stabbing Willow, and then tells her that she would never let Faith hurt her feels somehow both ironic and genuine for instance.

The way she talks about herself however is consistent throughout. She starts off by making some awful jokes about prison life and then throwing away the lipstick she as Faith previously used, telling Joyce to “burn it”. That self-hatred is there the whole time, and it boils over in the climax of the episode, as she keeps pummeling her own face, calling herself “disgusting” and a “murderous bitch”.

It’s… a lot. And it brings me back to Faith’s dreams in This Year’s Girl, re-affirming my interpretation that the murderous Buffy Faith sees there is actually a reflection of herself in her subconscious.

So it’s no surprise that Faith instead chooses to be someone else, while in Buffy’s body. And it’s it’s intriguing to watch her come to a place where she takes on that responsibility too, going to the church to deal with the vamps instead of running away. It’s a big moment, because as much as Faith is supposedly playing the Buffy role, who she’s truly acting like then is the person she wishes to be. And Buffy represents and inspires that.

Also, Sarah Michelle Gellar and Eliza Dushku are fucking nailing each others parts. It’s amazing to watch them both, even if I’ve seen them play these types outside of the show since. (Please watch Tru Calling you guys and cry about its early cancellation with me.)

Brb, I’m off to watch Five by Five and Sanctuary to complete my Faith saga, even if I have no intention adding Angel to this rewatch cycle.

[alliluyevas]

Odd numbers and GoodRocks from Mag 7, Even numbers and Sansa/Margaery

Talk about the first ship you ever had.

James and Sarah in Liberty’s Kids! They were very influential to the bickering rivals-become friends-become lovers trope that I continue to really like (see: Romione, Jaime/Brienne, etc)

Talk about three of the most important ships throughout your life.

SanSan, which has made me a lot of good friends and which sort of…uplifts me on a personal level and makes me hope + believe in love

Wolfstar because I spent about ten years of my life dancing around shipping it and loving the relationship anyway

Shireen/Myrcella bc it was my first ship I invented myself and my first femslash ship

What’s your current OTP?

SanSan probably

What’s your current NOTP?

REYLO

Do you have any poly ships?

Actually, quite a few! I have loads in ASOIAF like Jaime/Brienne + Brienne/Sansa + Sansan + Jaime/Sandor all at once, and then you got me on the Teddy/Goody/Billy train

How do you feel about love triangles?

Can be good, mostly aren’t played well tbh

How do you feel about RPF?

It kinda makes me uncomfortable

Have you ever shipped yourself with a character?

Yep! When I was little I shipped myself with Sirius and Obi-Wan Kenobi and a bunch of other transparently gay characters…now I ship myself with Rey…oops

Do you have many ships that never got together at all?

Yes, loads.

Do you ship any characters that have never met?

Hmmm…I ship some characters that don’t interact in canon like Shireen/Myrcella and McGonagall and Augusta Longbottom but they’ve both met each other before, just not on-page

Talk about your favorite first kiss.

Eowyn and Faramir in the book of Return of the King! I ran around my house screaming when I first read it when I was twelve.

Have you ever been disappointed when your ship finally got together?

Not that I can recall

Has a ship ever broken your heart?

On Friday when Chirrut and Baze died in Rogue One and I was in the movie theater bawling my eyes out

How do you feel about will they/won’t they?

It works sometimes, like with Tony and Ziva in NCIS, but sometimes it’s annoying

Have you ever “shipped at first sight”?

I don’t think so but sometimes I’ve seen tropes I like come up and I’m like Oh Drat

Talk about a ship you initially disliked.

I initially preferred Wolfstar platonically for a long time

Talk about a pairing you’ve stopped shipping romantically.

On a similar vein, I used to be hardcore Remus/Tonks and now am…not

Talk about a moment which made you question an entire ship.

Can’t think of anything in particular

Have you ever shipped something despite yourself?

Roose and Walda in ASOIAF

Talk about a ship you feel alone in shipping.

Shireen/Myrcella has a couple other fans which I recruited but mostly I am lonesome

Is there a ship you just don’t get, but have nothing against?

um…Obi-Wan/Padme, I guess

Which of your ships have the best chemistry?

all of them t b h

Which of your ships deserve better writing?

More development for Garnet/Pearl and Pearl/Amethyst but especially Garnet/Pearl!!

Do you mostly ship canon pairings?

I used to (I didn’t like to feel like I was betraying the authors) but now I definitely don’t.

Have you ever shipped a pairing before you even started watching the show/movie simply because of gifs and graphics or similar?

CHIRRUT AND BAZE

Have you noticed a pattern in your shipping? Is there a romantic dynamic you’re more drawn to?

pairings where both partners are disabled; aggressive traumatized character and kind caring character; bickering rivals; friends to lovers; size difference

Is there a ship you’ve shipped for most of your life?

um…Romione I guess? And Han/Leia

Does shipping come easily to you?

I guess I’m kind of in the middle.

Do you need to ship something to really enjoy a movie/book/tv show/comic?

No.

Name a couple of fandoms in which you have no ships.

Narnia and Law and Order I guess? Most of my fandoms I have at least some casual ships and I’m not heavily involved in either of those

Talk about one of your favorite headcanons for a ship you love.

Because I’m writing Abby/Holtz right now…Holtzmann likes the sensory input of Abby’s body weight when they’re cuddling or having sex…like the combination of pressure and intimacy is very good for her

Share five must-read fics.

Damn I haven’t read much fic in forever, I mostly write it.

this hype Renly/Loras modern AU

Beatrice @cobaltzosia has a mad good J/B genderswap AU

your Teddy/Goody/Billy was, um, lifechanging

that’s kind of all I have right now…I honestly read mostly less shippy stuff, I like to read character development fic

Name your favorite fanartist(s).

Hmm I can’t think of many by name but SanSan has many great ones

Share your favorite fanmix for your OTP.

I don’t really listen to others’ mixes much

Do you create fanmixes/gif sets/fanart/fic/fanvids and so on for you ships?

I’ve made fanmixes and fic!

Do you have a favorite trope and/or AU for your OTP?

I appreciate a good modern au but sometimes they are overused. Also family fic is always good

Do you like and use ship names?

Depends on the ship

Is there a fictional relationship you’d really want for yourself?

Ned and Cat I guess? Minus the Jon Snow issue? and the being murdered?

If you could change one thing about your OTP, what would that be?

Less of an age difference.

This took ages, I hope you like it! Thank you for asking!

[onceuponabedtime]

To my son, when he leaves home,

 This is the second such letter I’ve written to you in these weeks before your birth. It is now February 26th, 2017, just five or six weeks from a date that will be as central to your identity as your name. The fact that we see it approaching but don’t know what it will be seems strange yet fitting, indicative of life as a whole, once you start to help steer the forces that carry you through acquaintances and relationships, jobs and homes, the routine and the unexpected.

 My first letter to you warned you of things you couldn’t possibly avoid, and offered advice you almost certainly couldn’t follow. This second letter will be similarly useless. Why write it, then? Maybe it’s just to continue trying to make sense of my own late teenage years, although I hope it can be of some help to you. Anyway, it’s worth a shot.

 After leaving home, my hometown, and my friends, I began to undergo a series of changes I could not possibly have anticipated. It began with a withdrawal from those around me, which was easy enough to accomplish in a university setting where I was constantly surrounded by ever-changing, anonymous multitudes.

 At first it was a novelty, and I enjoyed the role of recluse after so many years of small town intimacy. I noticed, however, that it became a pattern that reinforced itself, and my aloofness gradually descended into isolation.

 From my increasingly unsatisfying state of isolation, what remained to me was to observe, to watch and listen. For an entire year I observed, with as little participation as could be justified. What I observed did not impress me. My peers became increasingly repulsive. My routine and surroundings became increasingly meaningless. My soul itself began to dim.

 That this downward trend could be attributed to perfectly natural changes in a young adult’s brain chemistry in no way eased my inner turmoil. I felt trapped in it, and poisoned by it.

 Though I couldn’t have known it then, the beginning of my recovery started when my thoughts went from emotionally self-destructive to physically self-destructive. That’s when I realized that my dislike for others was a way to hide from the intensity of my dislike for myself. I disliked my awkwardness, my confusion, my lack of substance, knowledge, confidence, and character. Finally I saw that without the collective identity built up throughout my childhood, what remained was something flimsy and weak. I wasn’t even sure what it was, what I was.

 This may not sound much like recovery, and it didn’t feel that way at the time, but it represented a critical shift in my perspective. Finally I was forced to confront, to examine, to evaluate who I was as a person. Luckily, my reason could now speak up loudly enough for me to hear, “You are not who you were, or who you might wish to be, but you are not as monstrous as you’ve led yourself to believe. You still recognize goodness, and respect the humanity of others.”

 With this newfound understanding of self (mostly the lack thereof) and a modicum of trust, I began to clear away the rubble of my troubled mind. With the ruins of my child identity gone, I began to slowly start anew. Where to begin? I knew I could still recognize goodness, so I set about trying to come up with a working definition of what it was, so that I could remake myself in its image. My goal, my mantra, was “How do I become a good person? How do I become a good man?” In my mind I glimpsed the space that my identity as a man would one day occupy, and I knew that basic human goodness was a necessary foundation, one that would not crumble (again) under pressure.

 What makes someone good? It’s a question that all good people must, in some way, ask of themselves and find an answer to. My concept of goodness evolved significantly over the following three years, with certain characteristics achieving priority based on my circumstances: Kindness, to self and others; honesty, reflection, empathy; trustworthiness; composure. I found it necessary to practice balance in order to avoid being dragged violently up and down by my many moods. A constant struggle was patience with myself, especially at times when my reluctance to reveal my half-formed self to others resulted (and still results) in awkwardness and embarrassment. Eventually I gained enough trust in myself to allow someone else to see me fully. That person is your mother, and together we’ve helped each other grow in ways we couldn’t have achieved alone.

 As I’ve looked around me at friends and peers, I see that this process isn’t uncommon, although each person’s journey is unique. Those who seem immune to it early do eventually pass through some form of it later. Although the early teenage years I wrote to you about previously represent the first transition away from childhood, these years of painful induction into adulthood are the most transformative I have known (although that may not be true for much longer).

 I hope you find this letter helpful in your own transition into adulthood, Elliot. At worst, it can be a window into the young man your old man once was.

 Until the next letter, with love,

 Reid

[afterpad]

Gamevice for iPad Pro - the AfterPad Review

Overview

The iPad Gamevice has long been my favorite MFi controller. Ever since I used an early prototype of the iPad Mini model, I’ve been convinced that the Gamevice is the best way to play iOS games. If you’ve seen my review of the smaller Gamevice, you know the general gist of what I’m going to say here. I love the form-factor, the build quality is excellent, and the price – while high – is reasonable for the quality of the product. The question with this larger device is simple: does the Gamevice form-factor still work on a big-screen iPad?

Unlike its predecessors, the 12.9-inch iPad is large enough to be comfortably used on a table, like a small TV, and controlled with a wireless Bluetooth controller. Some gamers might prefer this, but I’m not one of them. To me, this play style fails to take advantage of what the iPad has to offer as a gaming device – it turns the iPad into a (rather tiny) Apple TV. The beauty of the iPad has always been in the way you can hold it in your hands and directly control what is happening. There’s an intimacy to iPad gaming – it is fundamentally different than console and PC gaming, and you lose this intimacy when you use a traditional Bluetooth controller with your iPad.

The Gamevice is different from other iOS controllers. It embraces everything great about the iPad, rather than trying to turn the iPad into something it was never meant to be. And unlike with the iPhone Gamevice, the design and build quality of this iPad Gamevice model is excellent.

The Details

D-Pad

When the iPad Mini Gamevice launched two years ago, it had a better d-pad than every other MFi controller – by leaps and bounds. Amongst a sea of mushy circular d-pads, the Gamevice launched with a responsive, plus-shaped design. The competition has improved since then. The PXN Speedy, Horipad (regular and Ultimate), and SteelSeries Nimbus all have better d-pads than any of the Gamevice’s old competitors. Many of them even feature plus-shaped d-pads.

Because the original Gamevice was so far ahead in its original design, it still holds up against its new competitors. It isn’t quite as nice as the d-pad on the new Horipad Ultimate, but it’s a close second. The size is perfect, the texture is pleasantly grippy, and it is calibrated well enough to prevent accidental diagonal movements, without making these movements too difficult. If I’m nitpicking, it is a bit stiffer than I’d like – you have to press a bit harder than you should to activate it, which is why I’d rank the Horipad Ultimate’s d-pad a little higher. But overall, this is a great d-pad, and fans of retro games should be happy with the Gamevice.

The new Gamevice - same design as the Mini model, but with a far larger screen

Analog Sticks

The shape and feel of the Gamevice’s analog sticks feel like they’ve been lifted straight from an Xbox One controller; that’s a good thing, because the Xbox One controller has great analog sticks. And because the Gamevice is a Lightning-connected controller, its analog sticks communicate with the iPad at a much faster rate than older Bluetooth controllers, meaning they are potentially more responsive to quick motions.

Some early-production-run 9.7-inch iPad Gamevices suffered from major calibration issues, leading to significant analog stick dead zones. In short, you had to push the analog sticks noticeably far before they start registering movement, and the analog sticks think they’ve reached the end of their range well before they’ve actually been pushed all the way to the edge. Deadzones can cause issues in any game that requires responsive, precise motion. Because there’s a buffer between when your thumbs start moving and when the controller starts reacting to your thumbs’ movement, it can often feel like what’s happening on screen isn’t corresponding to what you’re doing on the controller. Camera movement that is supposed to be gradual instead feels sudden. Characters move in octagonal patterns instead of fluid, 360-degree motions.

This 12.9-inch Gamevice model is significantly improved from its predecessor, but not as much as I was hoping. Things have gone from terrible to adequate. It has the worst deadzones of the three modern MFi controllers, by far. The people at Gamevice have known about this problem for over half a year, and have been in direct contact with me throughout the prototype phase. I was hoping that this problem would be resolved. As it stands, the deadzones on this Gamevice don’t ruin the controller, but they are well behind those of the SteelSeries Nimbus and the Horipad Ultimate.

The ABXY Buttons

The Gamevice’s ABXY buttons have the exact same same size, shape, texture, and layout as an Xbox controller – medium-sized buttons, generously spaced away from each other, with a convex outer surface. These buttons are unchanged from the previous iPad Gamevice models, and thats a good thing, because they’re pretty much perfect.

The three-dimensional ABXY buttons on the SteelSeries Nimbus look a bit cooler, and are a bit larger, but the more generous spacing between the Gamevice’s buttons make for a better playing experience.

In my experience, the games that make the most demanding use of the ABXY buttons are button-combo-based games like Tekken and Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater. I spent time playing both of those via emulation, and no matter how intricate the button presses, the Gamevice never missed a beat. These buttons are first-rate.

Gamevice makes certain console ports playable on iOS

Triggers and Shoulder Buttons

Poor-quality triggers have ruined multiple MFi controllers. Thankfully, the triggers on the iPad Gamevice are excellent. They’ve been excellent ever since the very first iPad Mini model, and they’re still top-quality. The texture is grippy, the sensitivity is perfect – nothing to complain about here!

The shoulder buttons are similarly solid. They’re a bit more recessed than I’d like, requiring you to strain your fingers just a little bit more than would be ideal. But this is just nitpicking – considering how badly some of the other controllers dropped the ball with their shoulder buttons and triggers, the Gamevice deserves credit for getting this right.

Charging, Power, and Sound

The biggest upgrade to this 12.9-inch iPad Gamevice is something you can’t see – way it manages power has been completely redesigned. Previous Gamevice hardware included dedicated batteries. These batteries didn’t supply power to the iPad, nor could the Gamevice draw power from the iPad once its integrated battery died. This never made sense to me, and I couldn’t get a straight answer from anyone about what the logic behind this was. Anyways, it’s gone now – the 12.9-inch Gamevice draws power directly from the iPad. That means no more keeping track of its battery life – when your iPad dies, your Gamevice dies; until then, game on.

In addition to removing the superfluous battery, this Gamevice finally ditches the Micro USB input, in favor of a female Lightning port. This is an extremely welcome addition – no more extra cable required to charge the controller! When you’re running low on power, you don’t have to remove your iPad from the Gamevice – just plug it in to your standard Lightning cable, and keep playing as long as you want.

Lightning replaces Micro USB, but no headphone port

One caveat: the Gamevice is only capable of passing through 12W of power to the iPad Pro from its Lightning connection. This is not enough to actually charge the 12.9-inch iPad Pro while playing performance-intensive games – merely enough to tread water. Apple solved this problem by releasing a 29W USB-C power charger and cable. Unfortunately, the Gamevice doesn’t take advantage of this high power charger, and instead caps the input to a maximum o 12W. I can’t think of any non-Apple devices capable of charging the 12.9-inch iPad Pro at full speed, so I think this is probably a restriction of the MFi program, rather than something to blame Gamevice for.

Lastly, the Gamevice’s dedicated headphone jack is gone. It wouldn’t have made sense on this model, because the Gamevice doesn’t block the 12.9-inch iPad Pro’s headphone port. But who knows what the future holds? If future iPad Pro devices ship without a headphone port, the makers of the Gamevice might regret omitting one. Apple’s new Lightning EarPods do not work with the Gamevice’s Lightning port, so if Apple decides to ditch the headphone jack on future iPads, Bluetooth headphones will be your only option.

Gamevice Live

I rarely spend much time talking about controller software in my MFi controller reviews, because the software is rarely worth talking about. However, Gamevice Live is worth discussing in more detail, because it is more ambitious than software from other controller makers.

The Gamevice Live app (much like this website) is designed to be an interface for finding controller-compatible iOS games. It acts like a mini-App-Store, complete with featured app banners at the top, and genre-sorted sections for browsing catalogued games. Select a game, and the app shows you its iTunes description, price, and (for popular games) a map of the game’s controls.

Full disclosure: the Gamevice Live app is technically a competitor to my site. Although they paid me a lump sum over a year ago for one-time access to the AfterPad Game Database, I no longer have any ties to their app. Every game downloaded through the Gamevice Live app is a commission I don’t make on AfterPad. This is different than apps from other companies, where AfterPad supplies data directly to the apps, and I get a commission on app sales. I do, however, like the Gamevice, and I know and like the people behind the product. If you have any doubts about my ability to be objective, take the following with a grain of salt.

In my objective-as-possible opinion, the Gamevice Live app is a mess. Right of the bat, it isn’t optimized for the 12.9-inch iPad’s screen, resulting in blurry text and oddly sized graphics. This makes no sense when you consider that it merely a web view containing the Gamevice Live website – a website that scales perfectly fine to the 12.9-inch iPad Pro’s screen.

Even forgiving the blurry interface, the app doesn’t feel like it belongs on iOS. Scrolling is jerky and lacks rubber-banding, button presses are laggy and offer no visual feedback, there’s a hamburger menu at the top right that merely acts as a second way of loading the All Games screen, many of the graphics aren’t optimized for Retina, the list of genres includes a bunch of non-English entries… the list goes on and on.

It gets worse: every time you connect your Gamevice, it displays a pop-up notification prompting you to install the Gamevice Live app. If you already do have the Gamevice Live app installed, it will prompt you to launch the app. Worst of all: if you leave your iPad connected to your Gamevice, you will receive a push notification every 5-10 minutes asking you to launch the Gamevice Live app. It is impossible to disable these notifications. The only way to make the notifications go away is to uninstall the Gamevice Live app.

If you still want to use Gamevice Live after this, you should save the Gamevice Live website to your bookmarks or home screen, instead of using the app. The website is the exact same thing, but without the incessant pop-ups, and with support for the iPad Pro’s screen support. Personally, I’ll be sticking with my own site instead – although I probably should borrow their idea of listing detailed control layouts for popular games.

The Gamevice - my personal favorite way to play

Final Thoughts

If holding your iPad and controller in your lap while you game appeals to you, the 12.9-inch iPad Gamevice is an excellent controller – one of the best on the market. In every regard except the analog sticks and the app, the 12.9-inch iPad Gamevice is first rate. The analog sticks aren’t that bad, and nobody buys a controller for the companion app.

If the form factor of the Gamevice appeals to you, buy it. The polish of the product and the quality of the gaming experience is well worth the price.

Buy the Gamevice Now