#After he got out of prison it still holds. He's looking around to find women to date.

[saintofpride201]

What are the legalities behind getting a restraining order calling for the offending party to stay a certain amount of feet away, but intentionally violating it as the one who called for the order?

I'd ask Google but I'm horrible at wording these things in search engines.

[ghostboneswrites2]

Maybe, Possibly, One Day.

Summary: All the years that went by before Daryl realized you loved him.

Pairing: Reader!Greene x Daryl Dixon

Era: Starts at the Greene Farm, ends at the Commonwealth

Genre: survival, comfort, falling in love

Word count: roughly 2800

Warnings: TWD typical violence, character death, grief

        The first time he saw you, you were tending his wounds. His eyelids had barely parted, so little that you couldn’t tell he was awake. The gunshot barely missed him, just grazing over the side of his head. You couldn’t help but think about the scar it would leave. You felt bad for him, always searching tirelessly for that lady’s little girl and getting hurt in the process. 

        The bullet graze was oddly the least of his worries, though. The bolt that pierced through his abdomen may not have caused too much internal bleeding, but it was already nasty and oozing with pus. Your daddy made comments about going through the antibiotics so fast, but you didn’t care. You couldn’t bare to see another person die, not after so many had gone.

        Through the slivers of his nearly shut eyes, he followed you around the bed. He watched you check his bandages, clean his wounds, rewrap him carefully. He took note of your gentleness. Hershel, Patricia, Beth, Maggie — they all had careful hands. You, however, were the most gentle and tender person he’d ever been touched by. You were so afraid of hurting him, even when you thought he was out cold. He couldn’t help but admire your softness, even if it meant you might not be cut out for the world.

        He’d take notice of you after that. He never really did before, honestly. You were just one of the farmer’s daughters he’d met in passing, nothing more. After he was back on his feet, though, you’d catch his eye often. You were young. Younger than Maggie, older than Beth. He knew he couldn’t look at you that way. You know, the way that encouraged lingering gazes and any excuse to brush a finger against yours. No, he instead opted to look at you as someone to protect.

        He told himself if things went bad, if the farm went up in flames and the dead were chomping their jaws at every turn, he’d look for you. He’d make sure you made it out of there, because you deserved that. And so, he did. When the farm was burning to ash, when walkers plagued the land and took out so many of your people, he looked for you. He found you, after Carol was already on the back of his bike. 

        He would have thought you were a walker had he not recognized your frame from behind. You were dragging your feet slowly, traumatized and exhausted from the events of that night. He slowed his motorcycle beside you and called to you. “Get on.” 

        There wasn’t exactly much room, and you found yourself hugging tight around Carol to prevent you from slipping off the back. Carol had to hold Daryl tighter to avoid slipping off with you. And there he was, chauffeuring two women he’d allowed himself to care for to safety, or some semblance of such, at least. 

        That night was a blur. You lost a lot. Everything, really, except the remainder of your family and your newfound friends. 

        The winter on the road wasn’t much easier. You had all learned to operate as a team, tactical and careful. Silence became your best friend. 

        Sometimes you’d find yourself staring at people, reading them, appreciating them for who they were. Daryl wasn’t exempt from this habit. You’d always been an observer, reading people well. You could tell he was a tad softer to you and Carol than the others. Sometimes he’d make sure you got the canned food you liked if he could save it for you. Sometimes he’d just give you that knowing look and remind you that he understood, that you weren’t alone. 

        He wasn’t chatty, not even when the prison became home. Still, he made time for Carol and you sometimes. He’d bring back a little trinket for you or a flower for Carol. They were tokens of his appreciation to you both, two soft souls who reminded him he could be soft too.

        When the prison fell, when he lost Beth, he had given up hope. After the Claimers, when he found Rick again, he reasoned it couldn’t be that bad. Things could finally look up for him and his family, maybe, one day.

        Terminus seemed too good to be true, because it was. The one good thing, he was reunited with most of his family, and especially you. When he saw you in that train car, when he heard your voice, he couldn’t stop himself from embracing you. It wasn’t a long intimate hug, but it was tight and secure and you felt something when he did it. That was the beginning of something, but neither of you knew it yet.

        After Beth died, morale was at an all time low. Days blended together without food or water. You barely had the strength to keep walking. Daryl was a shell of himself after the events at Grady. You took notice but you didn’t pry. You did, however, sneak off after him once. It was one of many times he’d break away from the group and meet them back on the road. You had begun to think he had the right idea. It was exhausting carrying on with everyone in the street, trying to keep your mind set on survival instead of the image of your little sisters brains splattering all over you. 

        You followed him quietly, albeit not quiet enough to go unnoticed. You didn’t have the skill he had when it came to stepping perfectly on the crunchy leaves to not make a sound. It peeved him a little, truth be told. He went out to think of Beth, to cry, to let himself feel something finally. When he found a suitable spot to sit, he did, with no regard for your presence. You sat too, against a tree just a few feet away from him. 

        You enjoyed the silence of the forest. The sounds of nature and critters around you was second nature at that point. You didn’t even register it. You did, however, notice the two shoelaces tied around Daryl’s pants at the bottom. They were different colors, dirty and worn, and the familiarity brought a constricting feeling to your chest and throat. 

        “Are those hers?” You croaked, barely above a whisper. He glanced down at them, and looked over to you. His eyes were glossy and sad. He nodded and pressed his lips together tight, tears aching to burst through the damn of numbness he’d confined them behind. You sniffled and let out a quiet sob. The weight of your pain was too much for his hardened shell to bare. It cracked under the pressure, knowing he failed you, knowing he failed Beth, knowing she was gone and she wouldn’t have been had they not separated. It was just another tragedy to bare the burden of, just another notch on his belt. He broke. He cried. So did you. 

        You were the first to pull yourself together. When you stood and walked over to him, he looked up at you. It was a pleading, helpless look. Maybe it was forgiveness or comfort or something in between that he was begging you for. You didn’t know. But you crouched down beside him and curled up right there on the forest floor, laying your head in his lap and sharing your grief with him. It was like you gave him some of your own sadness and took a little of his in return. It was a lot to shoulder, so you’d do it together. 

        He flattened his legs as his knees were originally up toward his chest. Your head fit perfectly on his thigh. It was comfortable. You didn’t look at him. Your eyes were far away and spaced out. He watched you, though. He took in all of you. The imperfections on your soft skin, the layer of sweat that seemed to permanently coat your face and enhance your radiance. He saw the way your hair stuck down to your clammy flesh, the flush of redness from heat and sunlight. He watched your breathe and familiarized himself with the pace of your breaths. He admired you, much like he always had, but somehow it was deeper than before. 

        He found himself placing a hand on your side, and the other found the top of your head. He didn’t rub you in delicate circles or anything too affectionate. Just touching you felt like such new territory, but he was there. The weight of his still hands on your body was enough. You felt as whole as you could feel given the circumstances. 

        “C’mon.” He’d whisper after maybe fifteen minutes. “Can’t let ‘em get too far ahead.” 

        You stood and offered him a hand, which he only took to be polite. He didn’t use you to hoist himself to his feet, he used his own strength. 

        At Alexandria, when you all slept on the floor of the living room, he was the last to shut down for the night. He picked a spot close to you. Close enough to hear your breathing, but not close enough to draw attention or touch you. 

        He searched for you when the wolves attacked. He looked for you when he came back from recruiting with Aaron to let you know he was back home and safe. He’d find you when you were missing from dinner. He skipped gatherings with you. He grew fond of you in a way he hadn’t for anyone else. 

        He didn’t kiss or compliment you. Hell, it wasn’t so romantic at all, really. He’d just get that fluttery feeling when you stood close enough to touch shoulders, or when you’d both look each other in the eye and communicate silently. You always understood each other.

        Your company was peaceful and welcome. You were soft and kind, sure. But, you weren’t weak. The only thing you’d never done that others had to do was kill someone, and that time was sure to come when the situation called for it. That day would come sooner than either of you thought.

        You went out on a hunt with him once. Your duties at Alexandria were fulfilled for the day and you decided to tag along for some much needed peace that could only be found when you were alone with him in the woods.

        There weren’t many tracks to follow that day, so you spent a lot of the time just wandering with him. He normally would turn back when he realized there was little chance of finding food. This time, though, you were there, and he could tell you needed the escape, so he accompanied you in your stroll and pretended to search for signs of edible life.

          A snap in the bushes drew both your attention in the direction it came from. Daryl’s crossbow raised, your knife in hand. You suspected either a walker or an animal, never a group of rugged men dressed in rags and muck. 

        The men circled you both, outnumbering you by three more. They reeked of dirt, sweat, and blood. They eyed you with a predatory passion, the kind that a woman feared coming from a man. As hard as you fought, you and Daryl were no match for them. Daryl managed to take one out, you managed to injure another, but the other three managed to overpower you both. 

        One held you both at gunpoint while the other two went to gather some wood for a fire. Whatever they had planned for you, it wouldn’t be good. They intended on keeping you both for the night, that much was clear, but past that you were uncertain. While the other two were away, and the man you injured was wallowing in pain, the guy keeping watch over the two of you with a rifle was making sure Daryl understood just how angry he was at him for killing one of theirs. 

        You’d scream and beg him to stop but the man beat Daryl down nonetheless. Eventually Daryl stopped fighting, the pain becoming overwhelming and the fear that retaliation would result in harm coming your way creeping at the back of his mind. 

        Still, you begged, and when the man didn’t stop, you scanned your surroundings for anything of use. Your eyes landed on a gray rock with jagged edges. You glanced over at the man who was still kicking Daryl into the ground, then down at Daryl, who was watching you with a knowing look. His eyes said everything that needed to be said. He was telling you to do it. 

        Without a second thought you rushed over to the stone and ran up behind the barbarian, slamming the rock into the back of his bald head. The man stumbled and grabbed his skull, but he hadn’t gone down. You gripped the rock tightly once again and smashed him in the temple. He fell to the ground with a thud, but he was still moving, and that meant you weren’t done yet. You couldn’t be. 

         You climbed over him and straddled him, raising the rock high above your head with both hands, and brought it down on his face. You weren’t really sure if it worked. You had never killed anyone before — let alone in such a brutal fashion — so you kept going. Hoisting the heavy stone up and bringing it back down as hard as you could. By the time you stopped to catch your breath, the man’s face was smashed in, non recognizable. Blood and brain matter were speckled all over you. 

        You looked at the rock in your hands with horror and dropped it to the ground, scrambling away from the body in disgust. You were panting, hyperventilating.  When Daryl finally pushed his aching body off the ground he rushed over to you.

         His face was bloody and bruised, but you were his main focus. He dragged you to your feet and pulled you back toward home, all the while replaying the events of the day in his mind. 

        He always knew he’d kill for you. Hell, he’d die for you. But he never thought you’d do the same for him. He didn’t think you could. He didn’t believe you should have had to. He was meant to protect you, to keep your pretty skin free from the gore. He may have failed at that, but he did learn something: you’d kill for him.

        He didn’t forget that, either. Not when he helped you clean up that night, not when he relayed the events to Rick and Deanna, not when months passed and it was all in the past. He was reminded time and time again what you’d do for him. When you killed Saviors, when the war was over, when Rick died and you made sure to stay for days at a time with Daryl at his camp in the woods. 

         It took him years to realize it, but he thought maybe you could love him. He thought maybe he loved you too. He thought, no matter what, he’d always find you, and you him. 

        After the Whisperers were gone, at the Commonwealth, between caring for Judith and RJ, he’d find as much time for you as he could. And one night, at your small apartment, he’d stand outside the door, playing with his fingers and gnawing at his cheeks until he took a deep breath of courage and knocked.

        You’d open the door and smile at him the way you always did. Soft and subtle, but real. You’d step to the side and let him in. He’d follow you to the kitchen where you’d pour a drink for you both. He’d take a sip, then two, maybe three. He’d wait for the buzz to set in enough to gain some confidence in himself. Then, he’d find himself staring at you, taking you in as everything that you were. You’d ask him, “What?” With an awkward giggle. You’d wonder if you had something on your face that he couldn’t look away from. 

        He’d shake his head and shrug, unsure if he could find the words to articulate what he was thinking or feeling. He never had a way with words. 

        He couldn’t find the right thing to say, he’d realize. But he did think he knew what to do instead. 

        So, in the midst of the thick silence that consumed you both, in your dimly lit kitchen, he’d step closer to you. You’d stare up at him. He’d get close enough that you could feel his soft breaths tickle the baby hairs on your forehead. He’d reach up, slowly, unsteady, until his hands found your jaw. Then, he’d lean down, and his lips would find yours. 

Masterlist // Taglist

tags: @kissmeunicornbaobei @thesadcatt0 @clairealeehelsing @duckybird101 @tmntfixationxreader @ryoujoking @blackvelveteen1339 @yondus-girl @ladylincoln @sunshinebug9 @saylum559 @yoowhatthefuck @duffmckagansbandana @celtic-crossbow @virginsexgod69 @dazzling-roaring-20s @l0kilaufeys0n7 @uhnanix

Divider credits can be found on my masterlist!

[failing-to-write-again]

"Beloved I-"

"Oh, now I'm beloved? Funny I swore I was 'that lady' not a moment ago"

"My love please-"

"Oh no, do not concern yourself with this lady she is perfectly capable of seeing herself to bed"

You mutter as you sit at the vanity removing your finery after a particularly tense ball. You hear the bedding crumple slightly as he sits, noticing from his reflection in the mirror out the corner of your eye as he runs a hand through his hair.

"You must understand that I was trying to protect you. Vampires do not 'date' as such, and in these circles marriage is a contract. You would have been hounded."

You sigh as you feel the pressure alleviated from the adornments left on your head all night. Licking your lips and pursing them as if such physical actions could quell your frustration.

"There is protecting me from hounding and then there is throwing me to the wolves while they fawn over you."

You pause turning your head to the side to look at him not a reflection.

"While you had countless women hanging on your arm and begging for dances I was questioned and harassed by strangers."

"Why didn't you say, who crossed you?"

He stands coming to stand behind you, holding his hand awkwardly unsure if he should touch you in your state.

"I did try, Reiji!"

You spin around fully and stand glaring at him.

"At any sign of approach you shooed me away as I got looked through or glared at like some dirty rag. And then you placated them! 'Oh no, I have no idea who that lady is.' It took your father stepping in to stop one of them biting me when they realised our arrival together was simply coincidence"

Reiji's face shifted from guilt to fury. Looking to the side as he shifts his glasses further up his nose. For a moment only the ticking on his desk and your tense breathing audible.

"Why would he step in. He's the one who ordered I say nothing."

He hung his head, shaking it slightly before gently reaching for you arms and guiding you towards the bed.

"My love you must understand, I had to prioritize your well-being long term."

Biting back tears as he sits you on the bed, you pick at the seams of your gloves. You spat your next words.

"You were so cold, and then you got angry I danced with your father when he was seemingly the only thing protecting me. I was terrified and yet it's my fault? You dismiss me as if I'm nothing and then get angry at me when someone else does your job"

He inhales, as if stalling. Slowly he kneels, his face coming in to view as be tilts up your chin to look straight at him.

"Love, I may have. No I made an error in my judgement on the best way to act to protect you. I should have communicated my approach before."

He shifts bringing you right foot, still trapped in dance heels, to rest over his unbeating heart. Slowly opening them and kissing the exposed skin of your ankle.

"I want to build you, your own world. A life of happiness for you where you need never deal with unfair struggles once more. But to do so I require his approval to give you title."

He leaves the shoe to his side and switches focus to your left foot. Focusing his gaze entirely on the task, finding it difficult to be so vulnerable and not in control.

"I desire no other the way I do you. It infuriated and vexed me to have these feelings pulling me so far from the course. Any woman who has ever approached me before has been dealt with in the same manner. Mannerly but ultimately fruitless words, enough to placate but never crossing a line to anything past passive. Until you"

He lets down your foot after removing it from the tight prison of a shoe you've worn all night. Slipping your hands into his and gazing up at you at last.

"You are my answer and focus. I am drawn to you as though I am the only one effected by your gravity. Do not be foolish enough to think I am a scientist who does not correct after a failed result. In future I will never let you leave my arm all night should you bless me with your company again."

You finally smile, squeezing his hands lightly, and leaning ever so slightly forward.

"You are a foolish man at times dear."

"How could I not be when you call me that so sweetly?"

Magenta eyes swirling with adoration draw you in. He shifts from kneeling with one to both knees to regain some height over you once more, tilting his head and leaning in pressing his lips to yours. A suddenly ungloved hand touching against your cheek. Your arms moved up to ground yourself, gripping his suit's lapels, pulling him closer. After a moment his pulls himself away, his tongue touching his lips as the taste of your lip gloss lingers.

"Am I forgiven beloved? Or will you be 'able to put yourself to bed' hmm?"

His eyes crinkle slightly as he grins at you. You chuff slightly before pulling him in by the collar, of course he allowed you this for once, vampiric strength dulled to allow his human some control.

"You ever call me 'that lady' again and I will choke you with your tie."

"Would you rather beloved or love?"

"My most dear and beloved love, you who brightens my night and whom I beg to receive kiss."

"I do believe you will cause a mass fainting should they hear that."

He climbs onto the bed as you lay back, one arm holding him up the other resting his hand on your waist. Your arms looping around his neck, nails lightly scratching the nape of his neck.

"You forget I can be just as possessive as you my dear. I'm not a massive fan of sharing"

[latibvles]

HAPPY EARLY BIRTHDAY POETTTT

how about 'kissing the top of their head as you hold them' for june x benny 👀👀

A KISS TO THE TOP OF THEIR HEAD.

every time i write something from benny's point of view i need to do deep-breathing or something. cw for prison guards just generally fucking Sucking but it's more like benny thinking about how much they suck as opposed to explicit violence. they're special to me protect them at ALL COSTS!!!

—

Sleep doesn’t come easily in a place like this.

Benny often felt like a livewire right after flight, buzzing with nervous energy. Before, he had a pub to go to, other means of expelling that energy. Drinking or dancing or something — and then it goes away for a little. Here, it never subsides. Not with the cold of late-November piercing through the thin blanket bunched around his hips.

Ideally, he’d be warmer if he pulled it up to his chin, but he couldn’t stop tossing and turning, so on that front he’s still shit out of luck.

Really, what he wants is a whole lot simpler than that. A weight that was too infrequent on his chest for him to get used to, and yet he is. His fingers twitch in anticipation, he’s got half a mind to lean his head over the side and see if June’s just as restless as he is, sandwiched between him on the top bunk, Crank on the bottom one.

He doesn’t do that though. The logical part of his fraying mind knows it’s a bad idea. 

It’s not like what they have is much of a secret. Really, Benny doesn’t think it ever was, and that their COs kind of just turned a blind eye to it up until now. Benny could still fly right and June still knew how to use the bombsight so who gives a damn what they do in their free time? Here, not much was to be said either. Viv just gave him a long hard look one day once she started talking again and told him to be careful. Buck was the one reading the riot act and even if it pissed him off, he knew what they meant.

June never needed him to protect her before. Here, one slip and they could let the dog loose on her for something he did. And then he’ll get shot because he will, without a doubt in his mind, try to kill a guard with his bare hands.

The most he allows himself outside these walls is the feeling of her frigid hand curling around his wrist, like she’s reminding him that she is here, and alive, and not burning in a field somewhere with all their dead friends.

Benny shifts to one side, and when his arm starts going numb, rolls onto the other. An interminable back and forth until he feels the quiet thump of something hitting his back, barely, in the bunk below him.

He turns, it happens again, and then a third time. Thump. Thump.

He smiles to himself.

There’s shifting then, the sound of wood creaking beneath him and a body shifting — soft muttering, barely perceptible Polish curses that he doesn’t really understand but has become irreversibly fond of just because of the sound of her voice.

She pops up over the side of his bunk — messy-haired, curious-eyed, and Benny tries not to laugh into the silence. There’s movie scenes where women show up in their silk negligees to kiss jaded, gruff soldiers, soldiers, and then there’s Juney, who looks more like a curious mouse right now than a woman with underlying intentions.

“You alright?” She looks like she might scold him as she rests her chin on the edge of his bed. He nods slowly.

“Yeah. Can’t sleep.”

June reaches over, hand curling around his as she hums into the quiet, eyes downcast a moment in thought. Then she squeezes it and releases it, perking up in quick and abrupt mannerisms.

“Move over, s’cold.” Benny allows a chuckle to rumble through him as he moves over as much as he can in the bunk — which really isn’t much. He grunts when her foot smacks into his thigh and she mutters a little apology as she squirms, squeezing herself into the space until they find a position that works.

It just so happens to be that that position is half on top of him — leg thrown over his hips, her head a welcome and unfamiliar-but-longed-for weight on his chest. Her hair’s getting longer now, long enough to put in a small braid. She reaches for the sheet, pulls it over both of them as he wraps her arms around her. He feels less like he’s protecting her in his hold and more like a child holding onto their well-loved stuffed animal.

She’s braver than he’ll ever be. He kind of loves her for it.

“Now go to sleep.” She mumbles into his chest, and Benny grins a little to himself.

“You’re always orderin’ me around.” He can feel the curve of her smile even though she’s practically hiding in him.

“If you weren’t rolling around like a baby getting his wiggles out I wouldn’t have to.” Her voice is soft, muffled, and Benny tries to keep his laughter quiet, letting it be swallowed up by golden hair that he can’t see in this darkness. In the morning, if she stays, it’ll look as pretty as it always does and Benny can let himself think about mornings where they always wake up just like this, but in better places than a rickety bunk.

“You’re not mad about it though,” he counters, thumb tracing circles against her shoulder. He wants to touch her skin, watch her flush beneath his hands, and knowing that he can’t right now kind of kills him a little bit.

“Uh huh,” June mumbles, and it’s as much as he’s going to get in way of her conceding, so he smiles.

Benny tilts his head, searing a kiss to the top of her head in hopes that it conveys everything that he means and wants to say to her. There’s too much, even if she’s owed it, but if he starts right now he’ll never stop. He lingers there, lips pressed to the top of her head, feeling her fingers curl around his shirt collar and pulling it into a loose fist. One day they’ll be skin-to-skin like this every morning and the sun will light her hair up like gold. And he’ll marvel at it not because it’s gold, but because it’s June — maybe the restlessness is just him counting down until they get to that day.

Her breathing evens out, he mutters an ‘I love you’ into her hair. The way her fingers slowly curl around his shirt, he wonders if she heard it in her dreams.

[aita-blorbos]

aita for joining a terrorist group?

okay, so like, a while back I found this absolute wet cat of a child. we're bonded forever and sisters now so that's cool. my parents didn't think it was cool though. so they got her sent to some weird sketchy ass psychiatrist's weird sketchy ass orphanage.

anyways I hear someone saying that he had lightning scars and one of his patients is missing and I know the only one there smart enough for that is her. I look around for her but never really find her.

Then one day a women shows up at my door. Powerful. Absolute. And anyways yeah it's my sister, who's stuck in some kind of time loop hell right now and trying to get out of a prison she accidentally fell in. She's just talking through a phone shaped like a person.

She says shes taking over a terrorist group to free herself and like, yeah, Id do the same but fail halfway through. So obviously I say "hell yeah sis" and then she's just demolishing it like she owns the world, and I'm coasting behind her cuz I'm her favorite :3

anyways after that she's gonna take her group to fight a bunch of people for fun and asked me if I could take over this AWESOME tech building and hold em for a bit. So yeah, I transfer over (cuz I'm a haxxor xp) and I'm just wondering if I'm doing the right choice now? Like yeah maybe I shouldn't have been so thrilled to join a terrorist group but also I'd literally kill myself if she asked me to.

Eeh maybe I'm just bored. I'm watching the battles through security cams though and it's so funny. That old sketchy psychiatrist is getting his ass killed. Nice.

Update: SAYONARA SUCKERS

Update: okay. Yeah. She's uh. Not leaving her time prison. And just spawning in minor gods now. It's enriching for her!! Be nice to her she's literally neurodivergent AND a minor. And also god I think.

Update!!!! I don't actually care what ANY of you fuckers say now, she's out!!! We're still besties!!!!!! Fuck yeah I love my sister

[motsimages]

The first drag queen show I ever saw in my life was in Russia. It was 2008. They hired a group of drag queens from Moscow and brought them to a local disco in some lost Ural city. It was an spectacular show and I only regret having a poor level of Russian because I missed many jokes. This does not mean that gay people were happily out in the open, but in 2009 there was a movie about drag queens in Moscow, so it was still better allowed to do these things.

That year, I also met a gay man in his 40s. He was friends with a group of 40-50 year-old swingers and one of them happened to be my student of French. This gay man was the most interesting one in this party and I always regretted not being able to get his contact details, we got along immediately.

4 years later, in that same city, a friend of mine who had a gay friend invited us all out to the gay bar. It was far from the city centre, in some building with no lights outside. Compared to the very decorated and aesthetic bars, cafes and discos I had been in Russia, this one felt temporary. It had almost no decoration and no light work. Chairs were swimming pool chairs. It was half empty, and amongst the small vibrant young community there, a couple of man and woman in their forties caught my eye. They were quiet, just having some drinks looking at the ambiance. They looked like neighbours who decided to take a drink before going home in the closest bar, and it happened to be this one, they probably had a shared story with the rest of the clientele.

That same year, I went to Kazan and people knew there was a gay bar near a very recognisable place in the city center. I could never find it on my own and I knew I could only enter with an invitation. I have visited friends in the area later on, in one of my last trips to Kazan, around 2017? I was surprised to see two young lesbians hugging and snuggling in a hipster bar of the city center. A Russian gay roommate I had in Madrid around that time, where I also shared a flat with a very out Spanish lesbian girl, took months to even mention he liked boys. In Madrid. He was surprised that men would just hold hands in the street with their boyfriends.

From what a friend of mine has shown me from music in her teenage years, there was some possible turning point in the early 2000s where some gay men and some lesbian women made music and were relatively out in the public eye. Outside of Russia, we know of T.a.t.u., but there were many others. Several of the men casually married to women around 2010 and said that they were only gay for marketing purposes, not really gay. I particularly think of Shura (after min 1:15).

I was in Russia for the elections in, I think it was 2012. There were demonstrations and the Dean of the university where I worked gathered many teachers and told us that we should forbid our students to go demonstrate (it took him a long while because he started of saying "we must look out for them, let them know it's dangerous and they could end up in prison" but professors wouldn't agree, students were old enough to make their own decisions).

Over the past ten-fifteen years, many things have been happening in Russia, little by little. I think the last drop has been the war. Up until that moment, it was tiny changes here and there, but the war has been a big distraction so no need to hide anything anymore.

I have interpreted for Russian asylum seekers who left the country because they oposed the war and didn't want to go to the front. They were in associations agains the war and so, they were deemed not only desertors but extremists.

This past year, every month we have received Russian asylum seekers who were gay and/or opposed to the war. Many are going to Kazakhstan, Turkey or any other countries where no visa is needed. Many need to go through Georgia to be able to open a bank account that they can use in Europe while not being tracked by Russia.

I worry about my friends too. A mother of three with a son who soon will be 18, of age to go to the army and probably not the means to stop it. I worry about the friends who don't know what it means that so many people are being labeled extremists, those who are doing things "right", but how right can you do them until they're not right anymore because they're single or divorced or childless or working or unemployed or too young or too old?

I may have noticed these changes more than my friends because I have not been living in Russia in the long term, I came back every couple of years and things were harder. Moscow looks like a modern city, every couple of years looks more and more like Europe. But some things were never open to begin with and the window where they could have changed was a very small one.

[serafiel-jacobs]

Have faith in your dreams (Fanfic)

New chapter from my main series 🩷

Pinocchio saw how the entrance was barricaded so he climbed up top to find another way in, finding a hidden trap door and entering from there.

It was dark but Gemini helped guide the way, everything was so quiet but Pinocchio was on guard, the people who took Cinderella must still be in there. He walked carefully to try to be as quiet as possible and while he hadn’t used this tactic, he decided that stealth would be the best way to move around, hiding in corridors and other parts that would block him from being seen by others.

Cinderella is on the bottom of this ship, this huge ship that looks more than 100 years old and looks run down on the outside, yet inside it looks like it’s well kept, someone using it as a secret base of operations.

Eventually, Pinocchio made it to the last floor, with lots of sealed doors with locks, the place was still filled with silence, making the feeling of unease even more intense, only Pinocchio’s footsteps could be heard.

“Cinderella?” Pinocchio called for her in a low tone.

“I’m here!” Cinderella shouted, thankfully she was no longer unconscious.

Pinocchio rushed to the door where he heard that sound and broke the lock, freeing her from this prison.

“Oh God, thank you, thank you so much!” Cinderella was crying tears of joy.

Pinocchio opened his mouth to speak but the quiet ship was finally filled with sound.

“Help! Help!”

Voices from all the other doors started to shout.

“Save us! Please save us as well!”

The other prisoners were begging, they had thought Pinocchio was one of their captors, but now that they heard him properly they were begging for freedom.

Pinocchio broke each of the locks and freed the people inside, it was mostly other women, and worse is that children were here as well. As fast as they thanked him they all ran, ran away so fast and didn’t look behind. He wanted to warn them to be careful but clearly, they were desperate for freedom, Pinocchio had no choice but to make sure all of them were safe and sound.

Cinderella was walking behind him, she still didn’t feel well and Pinocchio told her to stay by his side.

Suddenly Cinderella gasped, he opened one of the doors of the ship and got inside, Pinocchio followed her.

Inside the room, was a cage filled with mice.

“We must free them too” Cinderella had heard their cries for help, she couldn’t let them stay behind.

As if the ambiance couldn’t get more tense, screaming was heard from the upper floors, and the people he saved were crying for help.

“Stay here” Pinocchio knows that Cinderella could be safe here, but he knows that he needs to come back as soon as possible. He also left Gemini with her, in case she needed to run, he could light her path.

Pinocchio rushed upstairs, hearing what was unfolding on the way.

“How did they get out? This is impossible!”

“Someone must have freed them, keep your guard up!”

When Pinocchio arrived he firmly held his weapon, and when entering the corridor he used the shield in his legion arm, it was the right call as they fired a shot as soon as he entered.

The people he had just saved were all in a corner cowering in fear, Pinocchio looked at their captors, 8 men in total, all with different body builds but all very muscular, the two up front had guns aimed at him, this was going to be hard but he could do it.

He blocked at dogged the shots, managing to disarm them, but the doctors attacked fiercely with their weapons and soon after the ones holding the guns used knives to attack Pinocchio, he was struggling, he wanted to find a way to not hurt them, he doesn’t want to hurt people anymore, he doesn’t want to kill anyone, it’s becoming overwhelming, they are trying to hurt him and hurt the prisoners, Pinocchio as no choice but to keep using Aegis as defense and give out counter-attacks.

But then, one of the men fell to the floor unconscious and he wasn't the one to attack them.

“I’ll end this right now,” said the voice of a man.

Pinocchio can’t see well whoever is helping is on the opposite side of the hall, he can only see the silhouette, is it a stalker? At least he could tell the man was wearing a Legion Arm, one that held a blade to make counterattacks.

It happened so fast, the stalker disarmed and knocked out two more men, and in the commotion, Pinocchio assisted with the battle, in the end, the stalker was the one who subdued all of them, and now all the men were lying on the ground unconscious, Pinocchio didn’t see well how he did it, but he managed to see that he used some sort of trick by hitting them on their backs.

“The entrance is no longer barricaded, two more floors and all of you will be set free”

The people thanked the stalker and thanked Pinocchio profusely, before once again running for safety.

Pinocchio had no time to thank the stalker, as they took a few steps back and vanished into the darkness. But he was just so glad that someone helped and that everyone was safe.

Moving to see Cinderella again, the mice were climbing on top of her, thanking her for her kindness before making their way to leave.

Cinderella hugged Pinocchio, “You are a hero, a real hero like the ones from fairy tales”

Pinocchio had a smile on his face because even if he did everything because he wanted to help others, he couldn’t help to admit that he liked it when he was praised like that.

——

Outside the boat, quite the commotion had happened, the police were already there helping the people who were trapped inside, and they were taking away the men he fought.

As much as Pinocchio likes getting praise he made his way out silently, he doesn’t want to take credit for this, he didn’t do it alone and he did it because he is kind, not because he wants recognition.

When was leaving Pinocchio saw that Belle was amongst the crowd, and she gave him a wink, it was best to talk to her later.

“Son are you alright?!” Geppetto rushed to his son’s side and hugged him.

“I’m fine father” Pinocchio hugged his father back.

“I was so worried about my little boy” Geppetto kissed his son’s forehead.

“Father!” Pinocchio’s face had a slight shade of pink, he was embarrassed.

Cinderella laughed, it reminded her of the good times she spent with her father; she felt like she could finally relax, and Jaq came to her side, climbing her shoulder and hugging her neck.

“Jaq you are my savior too” Cinderella praised the little mouse, so brave to run for help.

“One of the mice gave me this” Cinderella handed Pinocchio a piece of paper, he read over it but he didn’t understand much, they looked like medical notes.

It would be best to give this to Belle, maybe this will help her with what she wants.

——

“Mother I am worried about Cinderella” Anastasia knows that Cinderella isn’t one to stay late, she always does what she is told without question, “What if she is hurt?”

“Don’t be ridiculous Anastasia” Lady Tremaine said, although she secretly hoped that something happened to the girl so that she could finally get rid of her.

“She probably had to walk all the way here, what a moron she is” Drizella had a snobby attitude.

The three of them were in the Hotel Lobby, reception called them to come downstairs, where they were greeted by the sight of Cinderella and two officers.

Pinocchio was there too but he stayed quiet, not wanting to interrupt.

“Oh my, I’m so sorry officers” Lady Tremaine pulled her deceitful voice, “Hopefully the girl didn’t cause you any real trouble”

Lady Tremaine turned to look at Cinderella, “What did you do?” She stared coldly at her.

“Nothing!”

“Do not lie”

“She is not lying mam,” One of the officers said and explained the situation.

“Mother this place isn’t safe, we must leave at once!” Drizella was afraid.

“We already have scheduled to leave first thing in the morning, thankfully we didn’t have to stay in this wreathed place for long” Lady Tremaine was disgusted, “Girls let us go to our room”

Before Cinderella left, she turned to look at Pinocchio and grabbed his hands with joy.

“Pinocchio I will never forget this, I will never forget your kindness” Cinderella was crying, “Hopefully I see you again, at the very least I hope to see you in my dreams”

Pinocchio smiled and extended his arms, Cinderella hugged him, she didn’t want to let go but she had to.

She joined with Anastasia, her sister had waited for her, giving her words of reassurance and Pinocchio watched them both leave the lobby.

“That poor girl” Gemini chirped from his cage, “How awful that her family treats her that way”

“Yeah…” It made Pinocchio feel uncomfortable.

“Cinderella deserves better” Gemini sighed, “For now, we need to see Belle, maybe she can help”

——

Belle was staying in an apartment on Elysion Boulevard, it wasn’t hard to find her, Pinocchio recognized the place, it was the same place he had walked through during his mission to save Krat.

She read the piece of paper Pinocchio gave her over and over again.

“These medical notes, they aren’t real medical notes”

“What do you mean?” Pinocchio was confused.

“It is a decoded message, I can make out parts of it, but I will need to look more deeply into this”

“You can tell that just by reading it a few times?” Gemini was surprised.

“As a soldier, I know more than just combat, I know about strategy and logistics, and because of my rank, I know about ciphering.

“That’s so cool!” Pinocchio was impressed, he remembers when Venigni helped him de-code all those secret messages back then, but it was with a device dedicated to that, it was impressive to see Belle be able to do so without the need for one.

“Thank you Pinocchio, this will be of great help” Belle was so relieved, she had to leave tomorrow as her time here was done and she thought that she would have to come back empty-handed.

Pinocchio smiled at Belle, “Glad I could help!”

“Wait Pinocchio before you leave…” Belle looked serious and also sad, “You lied to me about Atkinson right?”

Pinocchio froze in place and his silence spoke more than a thousand words.

“It's okay, I am not mad, I promise” Belle gave him a faint smile, “Before leaving Krat, I went to the station, I wanted to see if I could find his body so that he could be buried back home, and I found his body, his deformed body, he was dead and I could tell that he ended his life, not wanting to become a monster”

“I'm sorry,” Pinocchio said softly, he was feeling bad about lying to her.

“Don't be, that letter he gave you, that means that what he wanted it, and your lie was what kept me going at that time, I don't think I would have been able to, with everything that was happening” Belle stood up and made her way towards Pinocchio, hugging him, “Thank you for fulfilling his last request”

Pinocchio hugged her back, he loves hugs and he was happy that Belle made peace with what had happened.

—-

Some time passed, and one morning, Geppetto picked up their mail, a letter from Alexander, a letter from Alice, and a letter from his grandmother, but one letter was different, it had an extravagant symbol used in the wax stamp. Geppetto opened it and started reading it out loud.

“You are cordially invited to the wedding between Prince Charming and the newly crowned Princess…Cinderella?!”

Pinocchio went to look at what his father was shouting about and Geppetto handed the letter to his son who read it and was just as stunned as him but also extremely happy for his friend.

“Can we please go?” Pinocchio asked, almost begging.

“Of course we are going” Geppetto can’t let his son miss this and none of them should be able to miss attending a royal wedding.

[basicallyaturtle]

Looking at pre-gender reckoning me, I often find myself wanting to distance myself from that person. It's not like that isn't me, just I kinda don't like that it is.

And that is pretty common. People talk about killing pretransistion selves or finally getting to be the you you want to be, and I mean, I still haven't socially transitioned, or medically transitioned. Really the only thing different is my hair length and I guess... like how I hold myself. Maybe it's not that different but I like to think that I have a different air about me than I did in that time. Anyway, all that to say I watched a video of pre realization me and I felt like man it's a shame that guy doesn't exist anymore. Well not like he doesn't, I am a continuation of that person's state of mind, so I am the same person in that anyone can say they are the same person as they used to be. But often times the sense of who a person is is wrapped up in their appearance, which is of course part of where the notion of 'grieving' trans people's former self comes from. Cause it's not like they stopped existing, they just appear to have stopped existing from an outside perspective. People have different ways of conceptualizing their own transitions, some see that they were always their gender and only realized it and corrected it later in life, some see their pretransistion self as a different person, someone they had to kill to get to live themselves, and others see their transition ad one step in the evolution of their life that is constantly happening, constantly changing us from our past self into out future self. I tend to go for a strange combination of 1 and 3 here, 1 because the realization hit like a bolt of lightning when I first saw it, and all these different parts of my past started slotting together into something that made sense, but also 3, because even if deep down I was a girl as a child, I certainly didn't identify that way, even after I learned what being trans was, so this feels more like another change, like going from a quiet nerd kid to a slightly rambunctious energetic college student, a big change sure, but just a change. So I've kind of held both of these in tandem, but I never really felt connection with the first one. I get how people would feel this way, and it's not unreasonable, especially if one spent a significant amount of time trapped in the closet before being able to transition in any way, then your previous gender can feel like a prison, and your old identity is the prison guard. It also makes sense just as a rebuttal to the trans grief as mentioned before when parents or friends or whoever will lament the loss of someone who is still in the room, just going you know what yeah fuck you that person's dead and I killed him.

ANYWAY I never felt connection to 2, but watching videos of that me, I kind of did, but not in the empowered way, just, damn that guy was neat, it is kind of a shame that he isn't around anymore. I literally still boy mode, and barely look different at all, so he does still exist to most people, and I don't particularly act any different, in the way that I'm just me and I'm not gonna shape my personality to try to conform to traditional gender roles, I'm still just me, so he basically is still here, just dresses in women's clothes at home and is a girl online. I don't know what it is that I look at that guy and think it's sad that he's gone. Maybe that people are their experiences, and that guy didn't know he was a girl. Like, it was another few months before he realized it, and hence I am here, but 'I' am not any different from 'him' in that big a way. Like I think back to when I first got to grad school, and I think of that person as basically the same as I am now. A little worse at make up, a little bit less knowledge about the world, but not too different. But when I think of my life before grad school it feels kind of like a dream. Not really because of the gender stuff, I don't think, I had a year after that before grad school that still feels fuzzy, though I was also home, so deep in the closet. Anyway whatever the point is grad school has taken up like 95 percent of my brain processes the last two years, whether because I had to or wanted to, and so it's difficult to think of a time before it. So why don't I look back at myself from when I first moved in and feel the same 'grief' as I di when I look at the person one year younger who still thinks he's a boy? I certainly have a lot more expetiences than her. I don't have videos of from that time, cause post reckoning I got big self conscious about any photo or video with me in it, so there are very little of those after realization. Not that weren't very few before, but I got more vigilant about not letting it happen. A shame really, but oh well. But I don't have any cohesive understanding of what I feel. I guess this also ties into this feeling of wanting to be a good guy. Like you see so many fucked up men in the world and trying my best to be a counterexample of that felt good, so when I relauzed I was not a man, it wa slike damn guess not. I don't think that's the full extent of it though,

So I guess the point of this is I feel a sort of regret that past boy me doesn't exist anymore, even though I've never interfaced with my gender identity in that fashion before, AND even though he basically still does exist, just calls herself something different and has longer hair. And if I'm going to see that me as a different person, I better see me at other points in my life post gender as different people too even though I don't.

[adrian---murphy]

Black Cat gf + Golden idiot BF

Who actually enjoyed interviewing? The answer, of course, was no one at all. Still, there were bills to be paid and food was needed to live, and neither of those things would happen on an aspiring game developer's non-existent salary. For this reason alone ( and the fact that he didn’t want a roommate ever again), Adrian had marched his way into the fifth building of the day, a towering feat of fine architecture that was primarily a law firm, but rented out offices and even entire floors for freelancer types or small businesses. It was impressive, and intimidating, and made Adrian regret not renting a suit jacket or something to make himself look a bit more professional. Still, at least his shirt was clean. The pale blue button down was as fancy as he got ( or could really afford), and if he got the job he was after, was good enough for an office monkey.

While he wished that his time could be spent working on his game, his degree and experience made writing code and doing basic tasks in someone’s IT department an easy paycheck that would leave him with time to work on his project on the side with no one knowing the difference. 

Seated in the sprawling lobby, people in nicer looking clothing than his rushed around, all busy and important and making him feel inferior just by being there. Still, he needed a real job, and thus was overcoming his awkward insecurities as best as he could while he waited to be called on. It was a bit of a wait, however, and the three cups of coffee he had were not as patient. Between security checks and being switched to a different floor, the java had made it’s way down to his bladder, and fidgeting in his seat didn’t make him look like a good candidate for a job. With a polite inquiry, Adrian shot up and made his way where he’d been directed in hopes to find a bathroom. He held it in as he made his way around the winding floor plan, going through door after door and finding nothing.

It had been minutes, and he was beginning to become worried he’d be summoned and not there, lost in the building or draining the lizard at his time, and became panicked. The panic did nothing but make the urge to pee stronger, and desperate times called nature. At a glance, the empty hallway was inviting enough to make Adrian wander swiftly to the women’s bathroom he saw at the end of a corridor. Why the women’s bathroom was right there but the men’s wasn’t, Adrian couldn’t fathom, but he was in no position to question it when the risk of having to flee the building with wet pants was this strong.

Be knocked first, and heard nothing, knocked again, announcing himself this time. There was still nothing, so Adrian pushed in the door and rushed to a stall. He could be in and out fast enough to not get caught, he decided, breathing a sigh of relief as he let go of what he’d held in. The deep was under a minute, and he quickly flushed and exited the stall. The plan was to wash his hands and make a break for it, but instead, he came face-to-face with the last thing he wanted to see. The dark eyes of a person who was actually supposed to be in this bathroom met him and locked on with a fierceness that made Adrian shiver and cower. He took a step back, his hands in the air in a gesture of surrender. “I-I-I know what this looks like…” He began, a helpless and embarrassed look on his face. “ I’m not a pervert, I swear to God, I just really really needed to take a leak and I asked the lady at the desk but I swear to God this building is worse than a laser tag maze and I couldn’t hold it and nobody was even in here so I thought I could just get in and do my business but I swear to God I wasn’t trying to do anything and I know what that sounds like and what this looks like but please don’t call the cops on me. I look tough but I have pretty lips and I’m really easy to push around and I wouldn’t do well in prison.”

[loloinlove]

The Ever After - Ch. 5

Good morning y’all. Chapter 5 is live on AO3 and you can read it - here.

Penelope walked out of her room with Eloise and Violet on either side of her, trying to seem as calm and serene as her future mother-in-law. It wasn't an especially long walk to the foyer where Violet would leave them to find her seat, but Penelope did not doubt that Violet was anxious to get to Gregory and Hyacinth, who had a penchant for getting into mischief in a matter of moments. She said as much to Violet, who gave her a thankful smile and another light squeeze on her shoulder before she was quickly walking down the rest of the steps and out of sight.

They walked in silence the entire way, Eloise holding onto her arm a little tighter than strictly necessary, but she understood her friend -and her fear of marriage- better than anyone else and didn't begrudge her grip.

Eloise had spoken with her plenty of times about her fears of marriage, and though Penelope could understand that someone as independent and strong headed as Eloise would fear getting smothered under her husband's personality, she'd had to remind her that Anthony was not the sort to push her into getting married, though he certainly could have if he'd wanted to. She knew that Eloise never needed to marry if she didn't want to and that Violet only pushed Eloise because she wanted her daughter to be happy and to find love, but she'd never truly force Eloise to marry either.

Penelope had offered her own opinions on marriage, though they differed from what Eloise had envisioned. Her plan had always involved getting married at some point, though to whom she hadn't the faintest idea, and enjoying some of the more basic benefits of marriage, namely that she could go where she liked when she liked. Soon she would have no need of a chaperone and could choose to take a Lady's maid with her if she wanted, and she was looking forward to that the most. Though Eloise often had to remind her that while it was true that a woman gained a great deal of freedom once they married, the marriage itself could be just as much of a prison as well.

 They had both heard plenty of stories about women who were absolutely miserable and at the whims of their husbands. She had reported on plenty of unhappy marriages over the last year or so, and she didn't think that would end any time soon. It painted a very macabre portrait, and with Eloise's added fears of pregnancy and childbirth, it was no surprise to Penelope that her best friend would resist the marriage mart any way that she could for as long as she was able.

Penelope certainly didn't blame her.

When they reached the foyer, they were unsurprised to find it still occupied with the staff still working on preparations for the reception. They were, however, surprised to see Colin waiting for them over in the corner snacking on a biscuit. Penelope hadn't been sure how she would feel about him being there on the actual day, but now that he was there, she felt immensely comforted by his presence. He had been scarcely at Bridgerton house in the few weeks that Penelope was there, always in and out of the house, running errands for Anthony that he wouldn't tell her about.

They had been friends for many years, and though he would not tell her what he had been up to, they had spent plenty of time together when he  was  around. They had discussed art and literature, and sillier things like the latest gossip and especially the food he got to enjoy during his travels. They had even spoken about her courtship with Anthony.

Penelope had thought of telling him of her feelings, but when she had confirmed for him that she and Anthony were indeed courting -with the intent to marry- he had been overjoyed at gaining another sister. There was nothing in his countenance to suggest that he felt anything but true happiness that she would be joining their family, and she decided to keep her feelings to herself. She could not burden him with that knowledge as it would not be fair to either of them or to Anthony, who had been especially kind to her since he'd rescued her from Berbrooke.

She had been slowly putting her feelings for him away over the last few weeks and had mostly succeeded, though sometimes the thought of Colin still set her heart to fluttering.

She wished that it didn't.

She wouldn't carry her feelings for Colin into her marriage with Anthony, as that wasn't fair to him, but she had no idea how to let go of the last of them, though maybe time and distance would help. He'd be leaving to travel again a week or so after the wedding, though she didn't know where he was going. She was sure he had told her, but her mind just could not come up with an answer.

"Pen," He said, rushing to chew through the rather large piece of biscuit he had shoved into his mouth. "Mother said you looked beautiful in your dress, but I must admit that her words did not do you any justice. Surely I must get Benedict to paint you, or maybe just a few lines of poetry, as we are pressed for time today, I rather think."

"Why are you here, brother," Eloise said snappishly, "Should you not be with the rest of the family?"

Colin rolled his eyes at Eloise's rather rude remark. She'd never had much patience with the sentiments and feelings of others.

"I'm to escort Pen down the aisle," He said, looking nervously at Penelope. "I mean to say, that is, if would like me to. I understand if it makes you uncomfortable, but I-"

"Colin, it's alright. I could not ask for someone better," Penelope said, though a pocket of worry had opened up within her. Did he know that Daphne had invited Marina? It would be quite an awful shock if he didn't. As much as Marina had hurt her, it was mostly through her words rather than any direct action taken against Penelope herself. Words could be very easy to forgive, but what Marina had done to Colin was much more than a few hurtful words.

"Eloise, may I have a few moments with Colin? I wish to speak to him before...well, before," She stated.

Eloise nodded and walked a few paces away so as to give them privacy and still act as a chaperone, though it really was unnecessary as she was to be married in just a few minutes and would no longer need one.

"What did you need to talk to me about, Pen?" Colin said, a little worry seeping into his tone.

"I'm very grateful for everything you and your family have done for me. You have always been as an older brother to me, and now that I'm about to join your family, I would feel awful if I did not at least warn you that-" 

"If you are about to warn me about Mari- Lady Crane, I am already aware that she is here. Daphne wrote to me when she first thought of inviting her, and though I did not expect that I would have to see her so soon, I would not deny you having family here today. Today is for you and Anthony, and though that was also unexpected, I am sincerely overjoyed that you will finally become a Bridgerton. Let us take care of you Pen," Colin said, gently interrupting her.

Penelope was astonished at his heartfelt words. Colin wasn't the type to be serious, not to the degree that Anthony was at any rate, but she appreciated his words nonetheless. It had hurt, finally voicing that she and Colin could truly be no more, but it did not hurt as she had expected it would and decided that she would learn to be content with Colin's friendship.

She was unsure if she could grow to love Anthony, but she would try to form a foundation of friendship at the very least. She had not wanted a marriage like her mother and father's; one where there seemed to be no affection or care shared between them. Her mother had mourned her father of course, the way that any gently bred woman would, but Penelope thought that most of her mother's grief came from the fact that they had never managed to have an heir and that their future had been so uncertain before her mother had managed to get ahold of the finances enough so that they would not end up destitute.

She'd helped out with her Whistledown funds when she was able, as she could not be too obvious about where the extra income was coming from, but it had helped until they got over the worst of their troubles. Spending the off season at their country estate certainly helped keep them afloat for another season, though her mother had complained the entire time. That mattered less now that she would probably not be returning to her family's country seat unless she was invited as a guest, which she thought would be exceptionally unlikely after her last argument with her mother.

A sudden throat clearing tore Penelope from her thoughts, and she noticed that Eloise had come back, though not because she was impatient.

Music had started up, signaling that it was time.

Colin and Penelope stood off to the side so that when the doors gently opened, Eloise was the only one in sight. She really did look lovely in her gown, though she knew Eloise could not stand it, and she certainly liked being the center of attention less than she did the dress. Though, from the little that Penelope could see of her before Eloise left their sight, her friend was managing to keep a sedate pace instead of rushing up the aisle to her place as Penelope's maid of honor like Penelope knew she wanted to.

It wasn't but a few more moments until the music changed again, and Penelope knew it was her and Colin's turn. They stood there for a long moment, Penelope unable to make herself move and Colin waiting patiently. Her reluctance must have been obvious, though he made no comment as he placed her arm through his and gave her a small nudge.

"Chin up, Pen," Colin said quietly, moving them into position. "Or you'll miss the look on Cressida Cowper's face when she sees how gorgeous you look."

Penelope let herself imagine it for a few seconds before banishing the picture from her mind. Colin had once again done a wonderful job of helping her with her nerves.

She took one step, and then another, and another until she and Colin were in front of the doorway. Everyone stood up and turned to look at her, and though she still disliked being the focus of all their attention, she felt a sort of calmness wash over her and kept walking. She searched the crowd, making sure that her Mama had not snuck in somehow, and found herself relaxing further when she could not see the distinctive red hair of the Featherington women or their loud fashion choices.

She kept her head pointed forward, looking first at Eloise, who gave her a small smile, and then at Marina and her husband Lord Crane, who looked supremely uncomfortable with all of the looks that he and his wife were receiving. She wanted to look around and find Cressida, but her eyes moved to Anthony, and she had to admit that he did indeed look handsome. His face was unreadable, but when he saw her looking at him, his face softened and he gave her a warm -if tense- smile.

She had been agonizing over getting married, and though she was grateful to Anthony for saving her from Berbrooke, she still couldn't help but feel as if she had taken something away from him.

She knew that becoming a Viscount at such a young age had left him with little choice in life but to take up his role as the head of his family, which left little time to himself for things that Benedict and Colin were able to do freely, like traveling, or pursuing a career. Eloise told her often of how hard he worked to keep them comfortable, and how busy he was all the time. It sounded to her as if he hardly seemed to take a moment for himself, and she felt as if she was going to be adding to his workload. It didn't sit well with her at all, and though she knew he would fight it, she hoped that she could help take care of him the way he took care of his family, though, by all rights, it should have been someone else in her place making that promise.

She wished he'd had the chance to find love and happiness with a woman of his choosing, someone that could honestly offer their love and commitment to him, but as she was literally walking forward to meet him at the alter she thought her wish unlikely to come true.

When they finally made it to the altar, Colin gently let her go with a little push, and then she was in front of Anthony, the Vicar standing before them, the Bible in his hands, no doubt ready to see them wed so he could go on his way.

She held onto her bouquet and stepped up to meet him, glancing at the people gathered as they sat down at the Vicar's behest. The Bridgerton clan was gathered in the front row on Anthony's side, Colin having hastily made his way to his seat between Franchesca and Hyacinth. Next to her, Violet was already dabbing at her eyes with a handkerchief, with Gregory on her other side.

On the opposite pew sat Daphne and Simon, making a very pointed statement of their support, especially with her own Mama and sisters missing. Lady Danbury was seated a little farther down, and when she caught her eye, the older woman winked at her.

At the sound of the Vicar starting to speak, she turned back to face Anthony, finding him looking at her with a curious expression on his face. She wasn't sure what had caused such an expression but decided to think on it later.

"Dearly Beloved, we are gathered together here in the sight of God, to witness the joining of this man and this woman in Holy matrimony..."

Penelope listened as the Vicar made his speech to everyone gathered in the pews behind them, but found herself looking at Anthony, who seemed not to be listening at all. He looked like he was thinking hard about something, and it was only when the Vicar cleared his throat and motioned for Anthony to begin his vows that he snapped out of it.

"If you would repeat after me, My Lord, 'I, Lord Anthony Bridgerton,'"

"I, Lord Anthony Bridgerton-"

They continued on in that manner until it came time for her to say her vows, and though her voice trembled, she managed to say them just as Anthony had. She was immensely proud of herself for not stumbling over her words.

A moment later, the Vicar pronounced them man and wife and they turned to greet the guests gathered before them, who were politely clapping as the two of them made their way back down the aisle together and out to the foyer.

They didn't have any time to speak, because as soon as they moved out of the immediate vicinity of the doorway their guests startled trickling out, the Bridgertons first amongst them. Hyacinth was the first to offer her congratulations, excitedly complimenting her dress and hair, and then immediately switching to Anthony to inquire about their living arrangements. Hyacinth wanted to know if they would be staying at Bridgerton house, and was halfway through asking if she could have a pony for her next birthday when Violet interrupted.

"Hyacinth dear, Penelope and Anthony have many people who would like to wish them well. We can discuss this later, perhaps when they return from Aubrey Hall."

Violet lead Hyacinth away and the rest of the Bridgertons quickly followed, though each of them made sure to extend their congratulations. Daphne and Simon followed suit and even extend an open invitation to visit anytime, though Daphne joked that the offer was only for Penelope.

Anthony squawked in fake outrage, earning a giggle from Penelope, who had caught Anthony's attention once more. He'd looked at her with that same curious look on his face, and she was reminded of his earlier expression. She had no time to think about it, or even question him, as the expression was gone in the next moment.

The Duke and Duchess spoke for a few moments more before they said their goodbyes, leaving her and Anthony to face the rest of the invited members of the  Ton. 

She wondered how offended everyone would be if she and Anthony left early. They wouldn't be able to leave just yet, though, from the irritated expression on Anthony's face, she was willing to bet that they would be making their escape sooner rather than later.

[emmacreatures]

BEING FOLLOWED

Hello👁👄👁 Back from the dead with a follow up!

https://www.tumblr.com/emmacreatures/713882220790775808/trying-a-way-out

Its been taking forever but waiting with these helps more with perfecting what can be perfected in personal perspective! A follow up on "Trying a way out"💕 Featuring a lot of Lyle x Ter'ran and Ka'am and Quaritch! Hope you guys enjoy! I'm busy on the follow up on this, but since it takes a while, I figured instead of one massive story, to divide it into two!

As the silence hit, Ka'am, who walked over to his own corner, grabbed some of his homemade powerful tobacco.. Watching his prisoner who had no chains, robes or anything that would hold him here. For Quaritch exhaled and got himself to focus better after sensing all scents around him, he knew he had to focus well in order to get out of there, with Lyle.. Who seemed to have been a pain in the ass as always. If it wasnt for his bold behavior, there werent here by now. "I feel like your nature isnt so common with negotiation. But I was hoping we could come down to some kind of agreeance. Something that would suit us both" Quaritch decided to take a gentle approach, leaving Ka'am to glare while he inhaled some of the smoke before letting it blow out through his nose, putting his pipe away. "Why would you think I'd care to negotiate.." Ka'am replied, allowing the tension to build up, for Quaritch narrowed his eyes a bit while he didnt move. "You wouldnt want to watch those two for ages would you. I feel like you have better things to do. I can take those off your shoulders" Quaritch dared to say, keeping an eye on Ka'am who looked him in the eye once, before he slowly lingered in the room with a threatening aura. "I have men and women to do that for me, so that excuse shall not help you" Ka'am said before he stood still, but Quaritch wasnt done yet. "You or them, it takes a lot of time.. Its still thrown away time in my eyes." "So what do you suggest? Run off, and take your kind with you, whatever you may be" Ka'am said with a glare. Quaritch still had not explained what he was exactly. Sure, he had navi skin. Navi breathing.. Navi heartbeat, but his muscles were outstanding compared to the usual. His ears were different, the hair was uncommon. Despite Ka'am's major curiosity which was uncommon on this rate that he was on.. He felt like it distracted him, and he was tired of having to watch them. It was confusing. Part of him wanted to know every detail of them.. Or more so, him. But he knew this could make him distracted in a way that would show a weak link.. and thats the thing that pissed Ka'am off for now.

Not only that, but having found out somehow his second in command, Ter'ran, had been mixing himself in a way he couldnt figure out yet.. It made Ka'am make decisions two steps ahead before people could catch up. he felt betrayed by the fact Ter'ran had kept it a secret, in the hope no one would see, but like Quaritch, Ka'am saw everything and would find out sooner or later. Meanwhile as Quaritch noticed Ka'am thinking, trying to come with the best solution, Naraya ran into the room, bowing gently before saying what happened. "Our great leader.. The prisoner, has woken up, and is very.. defensive about anything. He wont low down the voice either". That was the final drop for Ka'am. "i'm tired of having to deal with your kind. You might as well take yourself out, your 'friend' included" Ka'am said as he glared at Quaritch, who was surprised about the sudden kick out, but he could sense this wasnt going to be easy despite a door literally just opened. Having given a small sign to naraya, she poked Quaritch with a stick to make him go in a specific direction, noticing he wasnt having it "Keep that thing away from me-" "Move alien" naraya said despite she had her ears folded.. Quaritch was intimidating, but she knew she had to follow orders from ka'am as she always did. As they all had moved up towards the specific cells, Naraya had gotten the hint and info from Ka'am to open the doors, for Lyle took his chance to immediately go out, but Ter'ran.. Sensed this wasnt going to be fun. "You both. Leave the terrain.. Away, and do not look back." "Oh? So now your beloved leader decided to let us go. I aint going without him" Lyle said as Quaritch glared, knowing he was going to be the biggest pain in the ass. "Lyle. I'm your only way out-" "I dont fucking care. I dont even want it" Lyle said as Quaritch tried to talk to Lyle, but he really seemed ultimately pissed off despite all of this was his own fault.

"no. fight me all you want. " he said as he noticed Ka'am watching them all behave, as his eyes did give him the major chills, yet the idiot.. decided to go over the limits. "You know.. You- The way you treat your men is insane. You're bull. You treat your second in command like garbage, like a PRISONER. How sick do you have to be to pull that huh?" Lyle said as he approached Ka'am, pointing at him as it was the biggest danger one could think off.. two followers of Ka'am protected him by holding their bow and arrow towards Lyle, but Ka'am.. Who had a silent rage inside of him already, watched Lyle as he saw him far below himself.. "you want to get us killed?!" Ter'ran whispered for Ka'am watched them in silence, looking at Ter'ran before showing one small sight to lyle.. It took a while before any message came through again, the whole room felt extremelt tense. "Alright.." Ka'am only said, making Ter'ran feel a chill down his spine. "Ter'ran-" "You son of a bitch, dont you dare hurt him-" "LYLE." The second Lyle assumed Ka'am would do something cruel, Quaritch stepped in before Lyle could get them all killed, calling him firmly as the silence then hit again.. "Is it true?" Ka'am asked like it was the most normal thing there was, watching Ter'ran step closer to Ka'am who had called him before. Two guards held Lyle away from this all, as he watched closely.. Protective. "Do you wish to not be here" Ka'am said low and dark, for Ter'ran felt hopeless in this whole situation.. "I-.." Ter'ran couldnt talk, but it made it clear for Ka'am.. With a simple nod, he made Naraya step forward, for she grabbed his arm, and cut off a single piece of leather at his arm.. With that, he now was banned from the group. Broken loyalty. "Let them go, far away from here" Ka'am demanded as everyone made Lyle, Quaritch and Ter'ran now form together in a group.. "Step one foot among these grounds, and I'll kill you myself. Your group included" Ka'am gave his last warning towards Quaritch and the others, stepping away as they had no chance to say anything anymore. Ter'ran knew what hit him, but feeling Lyle so close and protective, made him focus on getting out of there before the arrows would follow..

"Common.. Lets get the hell out of here" Lyle said as he noticed Ter'ran being silent, going over his arm that used to have that specific piece around it.. Before frowning of some kind of anger and getting out of there.. "They dont deserve you- You know that right" Lyle kept on confirming that he found Ka'am's behavior a piece of shit.. Seeing Ter'ran hurt in some type of way made Lyle especially furious.. But at this rate, he hadnt thought of how Quaritch and the rest of the team would respond to Lyle's invite for Ter'ran. "you can be part of us now. Its gonna be so much better than how he treated you.-" "so he's suddenly part of our group?" Quaritch said as he glared at Lyle, mainly because this whole occurence was his fault. "if you want to fight me for it be my guest." Lyle said very pissed, protecting Ter'ran in his own way while they went out of the part that Ka'am claimed of his own. Just the glare of Quaritch at this rate sent Lyle to furious mode. "you really want to test me right now colonel?" He said almost as an invite to a fight.. Making Ter'ran come through. "Come Lyle.. We've had enough for one day" He said as he kept on walking, but Lyle kept watching Quaritch who showed no mercy at this rate. "watch your tongue corporal. You've done enough illegal stuff for one day" he said pissed as well, looking back as he could just feel those piercing eyes from Ka'am burn into his back.. Looking around a bit to see if he could find them, before following both Ter'ran and Lyle away from here.

After a while, Ter'ran noticed they were out of Ka'am's territory, mentioning it to the two for Lyle and Quaritch had a rocky road the whole time with each other.. "If you would've just listened and not taken your own decisions for ONCE, We're lucky to be even alive" Quaritch eventually said as they had an ongoing argument for hours now.. Making Lyle reach his boiling point. "Since when are you scared? I'm so sick and tired of you all the sudden taking different routes. Fucking admit you have a weak spot because of-" "no. he's right." Ter'ran interupted as he leaned against a tree, being less forward than usual because the realization of the banishment hit him.. "This is one of the most rare occassions that any prisoners got out. In the years i've been around Ka'am. this is a first. Just acknowledge it please. Stop making a fight all the time" Ter'ran said as Quaritch glared but Lyle almost smirked, thinking this wasnt aimed at him. "I dont take orders kid." he replied, for Ter'ran folded his ears and glared. "I wasnt talking to you" he said before continuing to walk for Lyle realized it was aimed at him.. Trying to shake it off a little as he sensed Ter'ran wasnt feeling it, which made him more cautiois for once. As he continued walking, the other two followed, doing the same. "Well despite your lame ass 'friend' or leader whatever you may call it... If its so rare for him to do so, why did he do it anyhow" "I honestly dont know. He never leaves anyone alive.. No prisoner ever came out of there" Ter'ran said as he kept walking, feeling a little bit more at ease now that they were out of his grounds. "We're 'offically' off his huntinh grounds, so we should be safe from here on out.." Ter'ran said before the group from Quaritch did a sneak attack towards Ter'ran, making sure that he wasnt going anywhere.. But of course they couldnt know that Ter'ran wasnt there to lure them or do anything bad.. But it sure drove Lyle mad.

"GET YOUR HANDS OFF HIM YOU FUCKING-" Lyle said as he fought his own men the second they dared to touch Ter'ran or pushed him onto the ground with hiccups due to the man's build and strength.. Eventually being able to pull them away or even hit them firmly.. Leaving Quaritch to call for them to bacj off. "He's no harm... Yet. But keep an eye on him. On Lyle too.. Especially after today" Quaritch said with a glare as he passed the teo, as the squad followed.. "You're okay?" "I'm fine" Ter'ran said pissed, pushing himself up again while hitting Lyle's hand to make him step back a little, before following the group, making Lyle who watched Ter'ran's body language just shake his head. "The hell you're not." he whispered before following.. All going back to bridgehead.

Quaritch had not explained in detail to the group what happened, for he himself felt like he didnt feel like explaining. There was so much to it, but he did make sure to eat and drink well.. since that was something Ka'am had no mercy for.. As he got himself back together, he kept an eye in Lyle and the so called Ter'ran.. Who still was not feeling comfortable.. Despite Quaritch still had quite some questions, he had his own mind swirling. Full of thoughts, wanting answers. Just merely being drawn to something he hadnt seen before. But most importantly, almost what seemed to be daydreaming about deadly eyes that seemed different to him... Meanwhile as Quaritch just felt like puzzling in his own complicated mind, Lyle was right next to Ter'ran who was not behaving like himself in his eyes. Lyle however made sure everyone backed off far enough when the recom squad wanted to try and put ter'ran somewhere locked.. Considering he was a 'wild' navi to them..

"Tell me what the fuck there is and quit the bullshit Ter'ran. I aint know you like this.." Lyle said as he stayed near despite his frustration. Seeing his loved one so near made him feel all kinds of things, and now that they were out of ka'am's control for a bit, he didnt feel like parting an inch anytime soon. "You really dont realize huh.. Your peanut brain sure seems active" Ter'ran said snappy, making Lyle glare but not in a true angry way. "I've been banned. Lyle-" "The fuck- When did that happen?" Lyle said obliviously in which Ter'ran sighed so loudly. "god I just want to hit you so badly-" "What way?" Lyle said with a smirk as he stood in a way he knew Ter'ran would love.. But instead he did receive a slap in the face by ter'ran. "I wanted to say be my fucking guest if it helps you- Just hold on for a minute cowboy" Lyle said rather direct, going over his cheek that he got hit with before stepping more close to Ter'ran who leaned against a metal wall somewhwre in bridgehead.. His arms crossed now.. Despite all he didnt even feel like fighting when Ter'ran hit him in the face.. He could tell the man was destressed.. "JUST- i dont like seeing you like this. Okay?? I know you as someone who's as daring and bold as I am.. Whats gotten into you?" Lyle said as Ter'ran glared almost with a follow up of a hiss. "you see this, its- Why would I even explain at this rate, you're too oblivious to realize-" "TELL me now or I will make sure you'll talk" Lyle said as Ter'ran sighed more soft.. Pointing at his arm.

"Each member of our clan.. Would make this thing around our arm.. Its stuff that only breaks when you cut it with a specific knife. Its supposedy should be there at all times, like a loyalty. I broke the loyalty, so I'm banned from the grounds until further notice" "And this bugs you because??? You've always been a rebel. Do you even remember what we started with" Lyle said out in the open, being focused on his man as Ter'ran pushed him away a bit in a TSK way.. before replying. "I always was a bit of an outcast.. Now I dont belong to anything-" "That 'friend' of yours sure made a big ass impacr on you. Who the fuck cares if you're part of something. The way that.. Kalal dude treated you.. Thats no respect, or good measure.. He shitted on you in ways I didnt even know people could-" "Its ka'am-" Ka'am-Kalal he can suck it. No need to defend his name here Ter'ran because newsflash.. He BANNED you" Lyle said pretty angry, before sighing, letting his own rough hand wipe over his face. "But hey- His loss.. you're part of our group now-" "Says who.." "Says me" Lyle said pretty damn clear, taking it really serious for Ter'ran looked around. "The last time your welcoming group was near, they tried to lock me up. Thats quite an invite" Ter'ran said realistically, making Lyle look around with a glare in case they tried anything. "They have to get used to someone whose intimidating.. I bet you can floor them all.. I'd happily watch that" Lyle said before he noticed Ter'ran's ears fold out of slight discomfort.. "Hey- Realize as well.. Look at us, back again" Lyle said as he stepped closer to wrap his hands around the man's bare waist.. Pulling him closer as Ter'ran avoided a little bit of eye contact, watching Lyle's chest while listening.. "You belong to me okay. This is my world. You're part of it. You'll always have a home here. No matter if they'll make it difficult for me. I'll kick everyone's ass" He said as Ter'ran eventually laughed once "You have no idea how stupid that sounds" he said before looking up.. Making the realization hit Lyle was indeed back after all those years.. As their eyes met in a place where they were allowed to.. Ter'ran almost felt his breath taken away for a second as he could see clear throigh them.. Which made him reach out to Lyle's face.. Going over his skin and cheek..

"You're not gonna cry are you? I can see why.. I baffle alot of people" "I fucking hate you" ter'ran said before Lyle sensed someone passing them "Yeah keep on walking PAL. You fucking better-" Lyle said as he was like the worst pitbull, glaring and almosg hissing at the individual who passed them who pretty much ran away at this point.. Small things like that were exactly the things that Ter'ran was obsessed about.. With that.. Ter'ran just leaned more into Lyle before making him look back.. "So where were we?" Lyle said swept away the second he felt assurance from Ter'ran.. something he so deeply missed. His other half. Before ter'ran hummed.. Loving to see where this man is heading with his mind.. But even before anything could escalate.. Lyle heard footsteps coming towards them. "You've got to be-" "Easy Lyle. I rather not fire you for being inconsiderate to your environment" Quaritch said rather clear as he glared "I aint ashamed. You know full well you gave no fucks back in the day. Get your own" Lyle said without much thought as he kept on holding on Ter'ran, having no intentions on letting go for the next hours. Before he sighed. "What do you want Colonel" he asked as Quaritch looked at Ter'ran. "I need you to show some more respect. And second, do not allow me to catch you both out in the open. You owe me an explanation. Now go before you disturb everyone around you-" Quaritch said loud and clear for Lyle was about to have an argument, but Ter'ran who at this rate knew better, pulled Lyle along to go somewhwre more private.. Even Quaritch knew what was to occur, sighing as he looked around before watching the sun turn to darkness..

Quaritch was feeling a little out of place for once. Not that he shared that with the rest.. He was secretive in his own way.. His mind kept on questioning things he, despite all his own experiences which he had many off, had never felt or seen before. Being a navi now, it was easy to just go outside and take a breather, unlike being a human, trapped in those 'containers with oxygen'.. Always being watched.. He wanted some peace of mind, but along that thought, he wanted to dig.. see where things could lead. It was like a whirlwind inside of his brain. While he wanted to find some way out of it, all the sudden, while sitting outside with eclipse, he swore to have seen something watch him.. For Quaritch sat on the metal floor that poked slightly over the jungle below him.. He narrowed eyes as he sat up.. Unlike most who would call 'hello' he just waited, before hearing something move in the bushes..

Out of pure instinct, he grabbed his gun and pointed, just waiting for any type of movement. But nothing seemed to be there. At least, that was what whatever there was wanted you to think. Not shooting but waiting, he decided to stand there for as long as he felt like, eventually hearing some type of movement, but invisible to the eye. Quaritch's gut told him something was out there.. But he couldnt see a thing.. Making him stand there for a whole hour before going back in.. At this rate, it was about past midnight, so most doctors, scientists and most employees were off to bed.. Quaritch, who at first was aiming for the same thing, saw an opportunity when he saw the unused computers, deciding to do one more check to see if his gut was wrong or right.. Turning the camera towards the outside area he had been sitting, he activated the specific lense in which you could see the temperatures.. Noticing a slight figure, around the bush he heard movement for a split second. He couldnt make out of it of what it was.. but after trying several lenses that the whole system had.. He finally saw it. A whole thanator had been laying on the ground, as silent as the wind, for no one to notice, but Quaritch deeply inside did.. 'why would a thanator rest there.. Or more importantly, watch.' he thought, narrowing his eyes as his tail subconsciously moved a little. Even if he would've shot, the thanator's skin is too thick to get through.. No matter what would happen, that animal would be able to stay under the radar. He realized these animals are much more advanced than the ones back at earth..

But Quaritch had a feeling this was much more thought out than what it seemed.. Through the electronics, he couldnt see much other than the shape of a thanator.. Making him grab his binoculars.. And to his surprise notices right there, the animal went back in more deep into the jungle.. Watching it through the binoculars, he noticed one specific scar.. One of an animal he had seen upclose not a few hours ago. "Son of a bitch.." he whispered.. Figuring it out. That definitely made him push even further.. He was wide awake. He didnt want to sleep.. All he wanted to do now, is track the damn beast, see where it would lead to.. Without much distractions, Quaritch shut any relation to his search down before going to his own room, getting some things ready.

As the thanator was crawling through the jungle, like the best hunter around, almost replicating his owner's behavior.. It perfectly walked up to Ka'am's liar.. All ka'am's followers usually stepped aside for his thanator at any moment. Ka'am, who was sitting on his somewhat throne, breathing out the usual smoke as he certainly was having more of it due to the big occurences the last hours... he sighed.. Having his eyes closed as he needed the extra.. Nicotine or whatever was in that heavy stuff he smoked. Hearing the breathing of his thanator, he opened his eyes as he snapped the large animal to come near him, right next to his throne. As it lend out one of his connecting pieces to make tsaheylu.. Ka'am quickly connected his own Kuru before watching what his thanator had been watching.. Keeping an eye on the specific recom that had seemed to itch Ka'am with curiosity. Looking through every detail that the Thanator had been watching.. Ka'am somehow now through the animal's memory looked better in Quaritch' eyes, throwing him off almost.. As if he felt like the man was having the same thoughts as he did.. Which would've been the first in his entire existence...

Due to that exact thought, Ka'am just abruptly disconnected his Kuru before gently going over his thanator's side of the face. 'Well done..' He showed in appreciation, exhaling once more with his smoke before stepping up.. "Lets get you something nice to eat.." He whispered in navi, walking out of his room and out of his whole 'home' before wanting to hunt something down for the thanator to eat. Of course the huge animal could hunt on his own, but he had been spying on Quaritch for Ka'am for hours.. and Ka'am with hunting for thr animal, showed his appreciation, and allows him to save his energy. As they walked out, one of ka'am's followers, watched them as Naraya saw them leave as well. "You'd almost say he'd care more for that beast than us.". With an easy 'TEHE', Naraya scared the one person, correcting them on saying such a thing. Ka'am did care.. In his own way, but if some didnt show that respect, there was no way he'd even consider to show his. Naraya knew this, and she was as loyal as one could think off.

[forensicated]

Smiffina Episodes: 480

Smithy gets a call to head to the front office to collect something that turns out to be a bunch of flowers. Gina teases him thinking he's bought them for Kezia, however they're for her! From Peter! And Smithy absolutely LOVES winding her up.

Gina reads the card as Smithy leaves the room, whatever is on it, she's not happy about it as she screws it up and throws it across the room.

Smithy and Gina are investigating an old lag, Jimmy Collins, who hasn't gone back to prison after a home visit. They find him at his wife's house - despite her claiming innocence - and Smithy chases him outside where he gets in his wifes car and drives off - causing Smithy to do a rather impressive bounce!

To be fair though, it's not only Smithy who's having a bad day in this episode...!

Reg's famous hypochondria is back in action as Gina finds Diane waiting for him in the yard after she and Smithy have brought Jimmy's wife in. He's complaining of a gippy tummy that has 'knocked him sideways' . Gina tells him to go home or get to work but stop complaining.

Jimmy's wife tells them that he'd said he had 'a thing to do' that morning and then he'd go back to prison but he didn't tell her what that thing was. She says he left the house with her at 8.30, she went shopping and then the police arrived as she got home. Reg is only too happy to trawl through the CCTV looking for Jimmy's movements but Diane keeps begging him to go home because she wants to go out and about.

Reg finds Jimmy on the CCTV and he's clearly been hurt, holding his jacket to his side and limping towards a chemists where he steals bandages and painkillers.

Gina takes delivery of another parcel from Peter - his gifts have gone up in the world as this time it's a dress, shoes and shawl. "The mans got more money than sense!" Gina is horrified though Smithy is very amused. "Er, that's something you wouldn't hear most women complaining about!" Nikki arrives with a further delivery, tickets for the ballet! "As if someone likes me wants to see a bunch of blokes in codpieces prancing around the stage!" Smithy can barely hold his laughter in. "I'm not going!" she insists, even when Smithy points out that the tickets are around £500 for the two given it's a private box!

Look at that little shit...!!

Jimmy's car is found covered in blood, his last known associates are either in another country, in prison, or dead. If he is planning a job it's either by himself or with a new team he might have met during one of his home visits. However, given the amount of blood he appears to be losing, he can't have gotten far.

Diane asks Smithy if she can be paired with someone else because Reg is still refusing to go outside and she claims it doesn't need two of them to watch the CCTV. Smithy gently explains that he's not doing it on purpose, it's simply how Reg is processing Honey's death and that he wants to be at the station and in amongst the team. She sighs but gives in and goes to sit back with him.

June shouts down to Smithy and Gina after she's received the blood results from her stabbing case. There's two sets of DNA on the knife that stabbed the school boy that morning. The boy who was stabbed and Jimmy Collins. She knows Collins is the name of the prisoner they're searching for so they join forces to find out what the hell is going on. June explains that a school boy, Tom Ryan, has admitted stabbing the victim, Martin Clark and that Clark confirmed it but June didn't believe them then and really doesn't now. Tom has gone to youth court, Martin is still at St Hugh's and Jimmy's wife is back in the interview room. She tells them that she hasn't heard Jimmy mention anyone by Martin's name. She does however recognise Tom's name as the son of Jimmy's best friend who has died. He promised Tom he'd help look after him and has kept his promise.

Gina goes to Tom's mums house... and finds Jimmy there who tries to hold her hostage. Smithy realises after Diane and Reg update him on the CCTV and he rushes to get to Gina. In the mean time, Jimmy tells the two women that Martin Clark was bullying Tom. He followed Tom to school to make sure he was ok and then he was going to go to prison but then Martin appeared and started picking on Tom. Jimmy went to his aid, Martin got lippy and produced a knife and stabbed him - Jimmy lashed out and stabbed Martin in the struggle by accident. Jimmy told Tom to run, he picked up the blade worrying about Jimmy's fingerprints and threw it on the roof before running off as Jimmy made him go with him. Gina explains that Tom is saying it was him - and that Martin verified that. Jimmy nods and shows the wound on his side that is bleeding badly as he weakens, saying he wouldn't want them to know about it. Gina collapses and Smithy calls again. She tells him she's fine but that they need an ambulance immediately for Jimmy.

Smithy gets Gina to the car and tells her to go meet Peter. She thinks it's too later but he insists it's fine, he'll do the paperwork and that she should stop making excuses and go and enjoy herself. Peter has sent a limo to collect her and it's waiting outside as Smithy and June watch Gina approaching. "Those shoes won't stay on long!" June muses, watching poor Gina struggling in the heels. "... Let's hope the dress does!" Smithy grins.

[sidehugsnsideblogs]

FCSU #91 Together Again

After what seemed like eons Farrah was at last to be reunited with her children. She awoke to find Lee on her doorstep. “We are being called to a center place.” Was all he said. The entire group was once again living together she was told. LeRoyce claimed this gathering had religious significance but the truth was he was running out of money and could no longer afford multiple properties. The group (minus Rachel) were now living in a tiny cabin in the woods of Windenburg. It was far too small for the amount of people living there. 

The first thing Farrah noticed was that Emma's eldest two daughters were missing. Vangie explained that LeRoyce had driven them out to another polygamous enclave to be married in exchange for brides for Lee and Roy, who now lived with their wives in tents behind the house. Emma was heartbroken. She never got to say goodbye to her dear Sincerity and Serenity. In the past Emma had been a fervent believer now she just seemed broken. 

Rachel was still gone and no one knew where she was sequestered. Once LeRoyce started running out of money Rachel simply moved to her own condo not far from Royce’s prison. There she lived quietly “repenting” but mostly just enjoying the peace and quiet. Farrah, who didn’t know this, was alarmed by her absence. Rachel and Maggie had always been the leaders amongst the wives. Now they were both missing in action. Mother Maggie was physically present but she seemed like a different person. She was forgetful and often angry because she didn’t recognize anyone she lived with. The other wives kept her mostly on bed rest but worried that she required more in-depth care.

As soon as she laid eyes on her daughters Farrah rushed to hug them. She couldn’t believe how they’d grown!. Hope and Faith were now teenagers and the oldest unmarried daughters left. They showed Farrah around the cabin, She, Evangeline and all the children would be sleeping in the cold, cramped cellar below the kitchen. LeRoyce, Emma and Maggie occupied the two bedrooms. The tiny cabin was quaint and kind of reminded Farrah of the Swamphouse. Here too the power seemed to fluctuate, leaving them in the dark for days on end sometimes. 

 LeRoyce came and went as he pleased, always muttering to himself. His brothers were wholly obsessed with their new wives and seemed detached from LeRoyce's machinations. As the women realized that LeRoyce was having money problems they began to knit clothing to sell online. Hopefully it would be enough to keep food on their plates. LeRoyce, despite seeming so busy, did not work. When he was home he spent his time holding a special “prayer class” for the girls or showing them videos of disturbing things like the Waco standoff.

From the cellar Evangeline and Farrah could hear the vile things he was teaching them. He claimed that each girl was put on this earth to worship him. There was little mention of a Prophet anymore, it was clear LeRoyce had seized power. He preached that no age was too young to marry, that the outside world was evil and if anyone dared stray, she would be killed in atonement. They were never to second guess or defy him. He also referred to the girls collectively as "my ladies" a term usually reserved for spouses. Just hearing him speak those words sent a shiver down Farrah’s spine. 

"We have got to get them out of here." Breathed Evangeline. Farrah was shocked. She'd never imagined Vangie of all people having thoughts like that. "He's going to marry them if we don't do something." Farrah nodded. She was playing by the rules for now, but looking for an opportunity to take her girls and run, seemed like Vangie was too. The girls themselves were aware of the danger they were in. They stuck as close to their mothers as possible. The oldest girls would accompany the younger ones everywhere, even to the bathroom, lest anyone be caught alone. Vangie, Farrah and the teens slept closest to the ladder at night. And the adults traded off keeping watch at night. 

Even the true believers were doubting LeRoyce's leadership. Hope still prayed and fasted often but Farrah noticed that she begged for deliverance for the Prophet and for things to go back to the way it was before. Emma was sullen and quiet. She'd bonded with her daughter-in-laws but clearly missed her own girls. Lee and Roy's wives were both expecting now and wanted to share this exciting time with their own families. They were also tired of sleeping in tents outside. The boys were obsessed with their brides and were inclined to listen to them.

It made total sense then, when early one morning Lee and Roy quietly loaded up their van with their meager possessions. Emma met with her remaining daughter, Joyful at the top of the ladder and they all made their way to the van together. They had to get away before sunrise. It would be easier to get lost in the dark. They sped away, successfully. By the time LeRoyce awoke, they were long gone. 

He was livid. He tore into Farrah and Evangeline, the two remaining wives. "Where are they? What did they tell you?" He screamed. The girls told him over and over that they didn't know and no one had talked to them about it. LeRoyce banned them from using any furniture or plumbing. He made them spend hours upon hours on their knees, praying for forgiveness. He grew more frantic as the pressures piled up.

[cumbunnywitch]

It made me cry kind of recently so I'm gonna post it on tumblr now that I've had some time to process it (for the umpteenth time).

When I was young, around 14 or so, I was just kind of figuring out my life. Finding out I was trans, or even egged, or even kinky, was going to be another few years away (btw shoutout to @adamwitt for your help there, fucking nerd.)

Well, I decided a few things about my bodily autonomy and started growing my hair out, grooming myself a bit better, just generally trying to feel good about my body. I was developing some other stuff, and the way I looked didn't fit the way I wanted to look, and I wasn't really quite sure why. I did know, however, that I wanted longer hair. Nothing extreme, should length was fine enough for me.

Well, my dad made fun of me for it. A lot. Not just like "oh lookin' shaggy there kiddo" but full on "You're starting to look like a fag, get your hair cut or I'll shave it off." kind of shit. It was intense. This went on for a few months at first, and then I joined the swim team in high school.

As a 14 year old boy in high school, I got bullied a bit, as I'm sure we all did. But my hair really wasn't much of a concern for anyone. The worst I got was being called Eric Foreman (from That 70's Show). No one called me a fag or queer or a homo because of my hair.

Not until my dad did. At a swimming meet. In front of my team. After I won. His congratulations turned sour immediately after he said "well now that you're winning, you gonna cut some time by shaving your head? I'm telling you, it makes you look like a sissy."

This was not the end. Now my team was doing it. They'd bring in their dad's clippers and offer to shave my head, or they'd make comments in the showers, and it was pretty terrible. I eventually quit the team when it didn't stop in the middle of my second season.

That first year though, right before some big tournament, my dad picked me up from school. This didn't happen very often, and he said we were going to McDonald's or Coldstone or some such place, as a treat. We weren't. We went to one of those sports-themed barbershops, the ones where they hire attractive women like they were the hooters of hair cuttery.

Luckily for me, the lady who ended up cutting my hair either knew what was up when she saw my sobbing quietly in her chair, or had read the FUCKING GENEVA CONVENTION (seriously, cutting the hair of prisoners is an actual war crime, look it up), and decided to help me pull one over on my old man.

She asked if she could even out my hair, make it look a bit more presentable, and even help me figure out how to style it a bit better. Now this is mid-aughties money, but it was still like a $30 wash, trim, style. Then, just to add a pickle on top of his shit sundae of a comeback, she convinced my dad to buy me some nice Tea Tree oil shampoo and conditioner. The really nice shit, I think it was Paul Mitchell brand? Shit was like $25 per bottle, and she suckered his ass into one each because it would help get rid of the chlorine from all the pool water.

This lady was my hero for an hour. I was still sad, still unhappy with what my dad tried to do to me. Maybe it's not as bad as getting beaten or having him pull out the clippers and hold me down, but it was still a betrayal of trust, not 2 years after my parents had divorced and sent me and my sister down diverging paths of emotional hell and mental anguish.

He doesn't remember anymore. Maybe he remembers that he tried and we pulled one over on him, but he doesn't remember how angry he was when we got in the car. He doesn't remember how hurt I was when he dragged me in. He doesn't remember trying to bribe the hair stylist with $40 to make sure I walked out with a "respectable hair cut." But it's been 15 or 16 years now. He's old.

He's softer too now. He treats me like a daughter. Sometimes the meds he's on make him seem not all there and he forgets, but I've seen him shake the fog away and remind himself, and call me Ashley like I want. We still talk about cars and planes and guns and the cool shit I liked back then that I still like now.

I haven't asked him to apologize about how he acted back then. He did that by being less of a piece of shit in his old age. But at the same time, I won't forgive him his past, because it was a defining traumatic moment in my life. I'll never forget it. And when he finally kicks the bucket, I'll let that memory fade into obscurity, remembered only by me as something that hurt and shaped me into who I am today. It's weird to say it made me a better person, but it did.

So I guess.. Thanks dad, you fucking asshole. I still love you.

[yayneloveart]

Trials and Trimesters, Chapter 11

If Ryunosuke had to give his opinion on British prisons versus Japanese prisons, he would say that the Japanese kind was preferable. While he did not enjoy his time being locked up after being accused of murder, it felt much nicer than being in a British prison. Everything was dank and dark and cold and very unpleasant.

They were led down to the cell block housing those with upcoming trials, passing many people behind bars in plain clothes and not any prison uniforms. Most were either sleeping on their stiff wood beds or cowering in the back of their cell. A very sad sight.

“Here is your client,” the guard told them. “Prisoner fifty-three, your legal representative is here to see you! Stop hiding and come out!”

“Watashi wa nekodesu ka?” an annoyed voice came from the back of the cell. The guard groaned and mumbled something about ‘foreign gibberish’ under his breath before walking away.

“Am I hearing things, or…?” Ryunosuke started to say.

“Is he speaking Japanese?” Susato finished for him.

“Sir?” Kazuma called out to the prisoner. “Can we speak-”

“Quiet!” a man walked out of the shadows at the back of the cell and approached the iron bars. He was short, fairly stooped, with wild eyes and equally wild hair. He shook in fear and was constantly looking around as if to catch something out of the corner of his eye. “They’re all around me… hiding… laughing… listening… right now!”

There was a pause as pregnant as Ryunosuke before they tried talking again.

“Sir, my name is Kazu-”

“You’ve come to curse me!” the man shouted at Kazuma. “You’re a ghost, aren’t you?! You’ve come to put a curse on me!”

“Excuse me," Susato addressed the madman, "do you happen to be Japanese?"

"Oh joy!" The man's demeanor immediately changed. "To hear my native spoken by a fellow Japanese, it's beyond my wildest dreams!"

The man began to dramatically cry with happiness, babbling about how grateful he was to their country for sending him a top tier lawyer.

This feels… strangely familiar…

Less than three months before, Ryunosuke had been in his own cell cowering in fear. He was curled up on the cell futon trying to process what had just happened to him. In only a few short hours, he had gone from enjoying coffee with his best friend and lover, to being accused of murder and arrested.

I wish mother was here…

"Ryunosuke?" The sound of Kazuma’s voice pulled him back to his harsh reality.

“Kazuma!” Ryunosuke jumped up and flung himself at the cell bars. “I didn’t do it, I swear!”

"I know, I know," Kazuma reassured him. "I know you would never kill anyone."

"I don't know what happened, I picked up a pistol from the floor and I heard a gunshot but not from the gun I was holding but no one else had one and the waiter saw me and pushed me into a pantry until the police got there and…"

"I read the report," Kazuma stopped him from continuing to ramble. Ryunosuke had started to tear up and was now sobbing out his words. "It looks bad on the surface, but I will find the truth of this case and prove your innocence."

"You… you will?" Ryunosuke wiped his eyes with his sleeves.

"Of course, I'm going to be your defense attorney."

Ryunosuke pushed his arms through the cell bars and pulled Kazuma into a hug. Kazuma hugged him back, and enjoyed it for as long as he could before the nearby guard forced them apart. "Limited contact only," he told them.

"I’m still scared,” Ryunosuke admitted once the guard walked away. “Everyone keeps calling me a killer  and a heartless murderer. It's like they know I'll be found guilty."

"We both know you’re not, and I’m going to show the world the truth,” Kazuma smiled at him. “I’m here for you. I’ll always be here for you.”

There were many things that Ryunosuke was thankful for that day. His lover was also a lawyer and believed his story. He was in a men's prison, versus a women's prison where Kazuma would not be allowed to enter. He did not yet know of his condition, which would have made the whole ordeal worse. Sadly, this prisoner did not seem to have as many things to be thankful for.

Current Ryunosuke shook himself out of his memories when he heard his name being repeated.

“Ryunosuke is an odd name for a woman,” the prisoner commented. “I think I’ve only met men named Ryunosuke.”

Out of everyone in London we could meet, we had to meet the one person who would know my name is masculine!

“Her parents expected a boy when she was born and kept the name anyway,” Kazuma calmly explained. “As I was saying, we are also here on a study tour and were told about your case.”

“And now you’re going to defend me, correct?” The man looked at them with pleading eyes.

“Mr. Natsume… I need time to put all the pieces together before I can make a promise like that…”

“You must have heard all the other lawyers talking about me then,” Natsume looked down dejectedly, his sad eyes watering. “They all say I’m a lost cause, a foreign nobody. I heard people call me hopeless, a lost cause, and some even said I wouldn’t understand what would be said at trial anyways. I’ve been branded as a killer and the trial hasn’t even started yet! And the poor girl isn’t even dead.”

“I can only imagine how it feels…” Kazuma gave Natsume some sympathy.

I can directly relate to him… all too well…

“Everyone here hates me. I’ve traveled across the world to study their history and literature only to be accosted and abused by everyone around me. My greatest wish would be to have a lawyer who can speak to me in my own native tongue.”

Kazuma took a long time to stare at the floor, calculating his next response.

“Give me some time… once I have a good look at the case then I’ll tell you if I will take it or not.”

“We feel that we must find some clues before committing to anything,” Susato added. “A thorough investigation will always give way to the truth!”

“Oh yes, please! Please, go find the proof that I am innocent! I will be waiting here for you, Mr Asogi Esquire!”

—

“So the woman just collapsed with no one else around them?” Ryunosuke asked as he was caught up on all the details he missed while daydreaming. They were riding in a carriage heading towards the East End where they would find the crime scene.

“That's how we understand it,” Kazuma nodded.

“But then how was he arrested if no one saw him?”

“According to him, the police brought in Mr. Sholmes to help,” Susato said. “He said he led the police right to him.”

“You mean, Mr. Herlock Sholmes?”

“I have a feeling that we’ll be seeing him again soon, and not for a casual visit,” Kazuma looked at the notes he had taken up to then. “I need to know exactly what evidence led him to Mr. Natsume. I can only hope that there's a flaw in his deduction, if Mr. Natsume is innocent, of course.”

“Do you not believe him?” Ryunosuke looked over at his husband. “He seemed very convincing to me. Much more believable than Mr. McGilded.”

“I can say he acted the part, but after yesterday's trial…” Kazuma looked down at his hands, “I feel like I can’t take a client’s word for their innocence. I need solid evidence.”

“I believe he’s innocent,” Ryunosuke said firmly. “The fear in his eyes looked real. I know that fear well.”

“I hope you’re right,” Kazuma took his hand and lightly squeezed it.

—

What began as a planned investigation became a wild goose chase as Gregson stonewalled them right at the crime scene. Despite Kazuma’s best efforts, the only information he was able to get out of the Detective was that there were witnesses to the crime, but they couldn't question them until the trial. This led them to discuss their next best step, which is when Susato took her chance.

“We can go see Mr. Sholmes at his home and ask him about the case. I’m sure he will tell us as much as he can about it!”

“Well, if we had his home address then we could do that…” Kazuma thought out loud.

“221B Baker Street! That's his address in the stories, I’m sure that it’s also his real address.”

“Is it safe to have your address be published like that?” Ryunosuke wondered.

[kamreadsandrecs]

Title: Don't Call It a Cult: The Shocking Story of Keith Raniere and the Women of NXIVM

Author: Sarah Berman

Genre: nonfiction, cults, true crime

Trigger/Content Warning/s: physical and emotional abuse of women and minors, rape (including of minors), sexual assault (including of minors), forced confinement, gaslighting, stalking, persecution

Summary (from author's website): Don’t Call It a Cult (2021) is the culmination of years of investigation into a secretive self help program that was first accused of branding, blackmailing and starving women in 2017. Its leader Keith Raniere was sentenced to 120 years in prison for sex trafficking, sexual exploitation of a child, wire fraud, racketeering and other crimes. This is the story of NXIVM, the rich and famous people who helped Raniere evade prosecution for decades, and the trial that revealed his darkest secrets to the world.

Buy Here: https://bookshop.org/p/books/don-t-call-it-a-cult-the-shocking-story-of-keith-raniere-and-the-women-of-nxivm-sarah-berman/15011261

Spoiler-Free Review: Well, that was a RIDE of a read, and also UTTERLY INFURIATING AND TERRIFYING.

I learned about this book after I finished listening to a Cult Podcast episode on NXIVM and did some googling. There are other books out there about NXIVM, with some of them written by victims, as well as some that focus specifically on Keith Raniere, but I was looking for something that was written by someone uninvolved in NXIVM, and this book fit the bill. (Also ngl but the title look interesting compared to some of the other titles of NXIVM-related books out there, which also encouraged me to pick it up.)

Anyway: I think this book’s a very good introduction to what NXIVM did to the people who were involved in it, especially the women. Most people know about the branding and DOS, but the book shows that those were more the ultimate manifestation of what Raniere had been doing for years to those around him. He didn’t start out with those from the get-go; those were things that came about after he’d cemented his hold on the women surrounding him and manipulated and abused them into a mindset where they would do whatever he asked them to do. It was deeply upsetting how he twisted the language of self-help and psychology to prey upon vulnerable women, who should have been seeing qualified psychologists and psychiatrists and not this snake-oil salesman who wasn’t above turning tail and hiding when things weren’t going his way (which is something he did A LOT, often abandoning his loyal followers to the cops whenever the law came calling).

What’s interesting to me is that his victims don’t strike one immediately as being “vulnerable”. Many of them are white, wealthy, and ambitious, with some working in fields like finance, law, and computer programming, which were heavily male-dominated during the late 1990s and into the early and mid-2000s (and still are, to a degree). I could see why they were drawn to NXIVM’s messaging of self-improvement and “ethical responsibility”, but it’s disturbing how Raniere was able to con so many of them, to the point that some of them actually helped him perpetrate his abuse onto other women. It got me thinking about the deep-seated misogyny and self-hatred that lives in a lot of women no matter how successful they might seem on the surface, and which Raniere clearly knew how to pull up and prey upon. It also got me thinking about the self-help industry, and how so many people will fall for whatever unproven claptrap self-declared “gurus” spout out because they are desperate to find a way to help themselves and maybe others too.

Overall, this was a great overview of NXIVM and what happened before it all exploded in 2019. This has a more journalistic approach compared to some of the other books about NXIVM, which are either memoirs written by victims, or books that focus on Raniere himself, and I think this is useful if one wants to come to grips with what NXIVM was, and what the brouhaha was all about if one was only hearing about it for the first time in 2019.

Rating: five long walks